Review Revue - Cotillion Classes

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss etiquette class faux-pas, how to eat soup properly, and Geoff’s dusty ass. Plus, they introduce a new segment on the pod!Be sure to give the show a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and include your pitch for an episode idea! Maybe we’ll choose yours for a future episode, or we won't!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Don't you worry anymore Fade to black, credits start to roll It was a feel-good movie Is what that song sounded like to me Uncle John's Band by the Dead Jeffrey loves the Grateful Dead So much so that because we don't have a theme song yet We play it every time, which is

great. That's not true. Last time, no. Second episode, we played Paul McCartney. Oh, that's right. And then we did Kendall's rap. Exactly. Six sessions.

Right. The first episode was The Grateful Dead. Totally. And that is every time to me. Yeah. Which is fair. Well, hello. Hey, you.

Sit down. Come on. Is she talking to me? Oh my God. Thank you for coming back. We missed you. Of course. Come on. Is she talking to me? Oh, my God. Thank you for coming back. We missed you. Of course. Yeah, no, I love the show.

I hope you're having a great day or night, whatever time it is for you. It's my morning commute. I'm like, I was actually pretty tired. And if it's your morning commute, I hope you're driving safe or on the train safe. Thank you. Or walking or on a bus. I'm on a bike. Oh!

Welcome to the Review Review for the rest of you listening i'm riley anspaugh i'm also riley anspaugh you're jeffrey james we go over this every time no i get confused as all because you say you're riley anspaugh and then i'm like shit what's my name maybe it's the same maybe it's the same yeah but spelled differently like the podcast title is just the it sounds like the same word twice but it's actually two different words. And you think that means that after nigh on 22 years of your life, that somehow means that you and I have the same name but spelled differently. Any other time, not when we're recording, I know my name. It's on my license.

People ask it when I'm at the coffee shop. And you just know it. I just know it because I've had it, like you said, for almost 22 years. But then the show starts, the mic's staring me down the eyes, and I'm scared. And you introduce yourself, and I'm like, I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's the same. We'll talk later about it. Whenever you say that, you scold me later, though. Yeah, it's just because that doesn't make sense, and I don't want you to embarrass yourself. The reason why that biker crashed on his way to work is because you didn't know your name. You think they're cosmically linked?

Yep. Butterfly effect to baby. I agree. And I'm proud. Review, review pod. Review, review pod. We're here to review reviews, all right? No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

We're not going to beat around the bush. It's what we buts about it. We're not going to beat around the bush. It's what we're here to do. We're not going to beat around the burning bush. We're not going to beat around the burning bush, man. I don't know. I was trying to do a burning man thing, but I got lost. Review your week, Rosebud Thorn. My rose?

I'm going to start with my thorn, or my valley, as a twer. Last night, Jeffrey and I recorded a video with my dear, dear friend, Elizabeth Valenti, who has a very funny, wonderful YouTube channel. And we did a video about TikTok and learning about it.

And she was trying to explain what a VSCO girl is to us. And I still don't get it. And that was hard. Your valley is not understanding TikTok. My valley is like because I pride myself on being like I like to think I'm a smart cookie and so it's like I was telling you this last night that it's like I usually

would get frustrated with older generations it's like okay I get that you don't like something or like a trend but it's like you at least understand like what it is and then you can base whether you like it or not my parents didn't understand snapchat exactly at least they knew they didn't understand why but they understood what exactly i don't get tiktoks why or what yeah i don't especially get the what which is the first like trend thing that's kind of feels like a milestone of like oh i feel old like just compared to like tweens and stuff.

Right. Because it's the first, like I still, I came home and told Daniel, I'm like, I don't get it. And so that was my valley because it really was very frustrating for me not to understand. And my rose, my peak was this weekend in Malibu. Daniel and I watched the sunset, had a beer, played with my dog. Just the one between the two of you?

Huh? Yeah, I don't know. Because you said you and him had a beer. I said we had a beer. We each had a beer. I misspoke. Yeah, I misspoke. Oh, too funny.

Yeah, it's fine. We had a beer each, played a game of pool, and then watched Phoebe Waller-Bridge's SNL. So that was a very good night. We watched it live. It's always fun to watch live. I used to do that every weekend in high school. Really? Didn't have a lot of friends. Aww, Jeffrey! That's not true. I had friends. I just didn't hang out with them on Saturday night, right?

One time you really could have been hanging out with them. No, it's fine, because I saw them at school and swim practice and play rehearsal. So you were friends with them just by proxy of what you were doing? I hung out with people just during working hours, right? And so Saturday night at 11.30, I'm honestly nude because I just got out the shower, oiling up as one is wont to do to watch a sketch variety hour. Alone

oiled up and naked. With a six pack of abs. On a shield on my wall. My bud, I've now decided, is getting to see that shield. Namaste.

And you? Valley, right? Frankie. Frankie or otherwise. Just traffic. I'm frantic. You sound like a bad Los Angeles observational comic. Like, traffic, right?

Come on. What's the joke, man? Yeah, like, we all are in it. We agree. The premise is good, but what's the joke? Oh, man, let me tell you guys. I was in traffic this are in it. We agree. That's the premise is good, but what's the joke? Oh man. Let me tell you guys. I was in traffic this morning on my way to work.

Could you believe it? What's your take? It's bad. It's traffic. My wife and I haven't been having sex recently. When was the last time? Maybe like three weeks ago. Be honest though.

Like three months ago. They love it. And my months ago? They love it. And my bud. Don't do it. Don't do it. Sorry. Don't do it. Let me just position myself just right.

Don't do it. Stanley Hills Drive. Oak Court. Ridpath Drive. Briar Drive. Look out Mountain Ave.

Records. We are shooting a video in Laurel Canyon, which I think we even said we wanted to do last week, and so in the interim we've written it and we're shooting it in about an hour and a half. Avenue Pictures.

Presents. Pictures. Studios. Presents. Limited. To. Limited. Today we are reviewing.

Oh, man. I'm really, this is the episode I think I've been most excited about so far. Manners class. Cotillion. Etiquette school. Etiquette school for people who need to learn how to set a table and do a dance. Or a prance. Or a prance.

Jeff, did you go to Cotillion as a boy? I did not. I did something... I went to like classic dance school that kind of incorporated some manner stuff. Jeff went to the high school from fame. No, I went to the high school from Footloose. Our dances were basically just summits. Wait, what?

Prom. We're summits. We got dressed up to talk about the syrian refugee crisis so you didn't go to cotillion i didn't go to cotillion i went to something called junior dance and so what did like what did that just learning different social dances uh you just learn box steps and then uh you talk about like how to have a firm handshake it was like it, it wasn't, it didn't take itself seriously. It was more just to like meet girls because I went to an all boys school and it was actually a lot of fun.

And then I ended up working there afterwards in high school. No way. I didn't know this. Yeah. I mean, again, it wasn't full on cotillion. It was just like, I just was a chaperone for the kids. So me and my friend Amy, we just like went there and we didn't even have to dress up.

I don't think. Maybe we did. Maybe we didn't. I don't remember. So when you attended as a lad, you didn't have to wear like a suit. Oh, when you attended, you had to wear like a jacket. It sounds like a cotillion class of sorts. Yeah, but there wasn't like a debut or anything.

You literally just went once a month to dance with girls. Yeah. So and then like everybody was just joking around and like I was like hamming it dance with girls. Yeah. So, and then, like, everybody was just joking around, and, like, I was, like, hamming it up, and I was, like, I had. Were you the class clown? I was slapping my gams and hamming it up. And did I mention that my, yeah. Sorry, no, what were you going to say? No, I just, like.

Did you mention your what? My dusty ass from the day of school. Sorry. Kind of took over the room. Yeah. I didn't want to mention it, but you asked me, so... Why was your ass dusty? I spent some time in the desert.

You're from Ohio. We had a half day. So? There are no deserts in Ohio. We got out of school at one. Okay. Classes until four. You drove to the desert states away, rolled around your little bum.

I fell. I didn't roll it on purpose. But my suit jacket was in a bag, so it was clean. Your ass hidden underneath. Sorry. Dusty, pubescent ass. Sheathed beneath clean dress. Chinos, yeah.

Took over the room. I'm crying. And I took a woman by the hand and led. And so when I went back to work, it was to make sure that there wasn't a repeat of that day. And so I just had to make sure the guys were behaving themselves, basically. So what does this have to do with your dumb ass? I'm just telling a story. I do. Oh, my God. I'm just telling a story.

Like, this is, that's what we all are trying to do is we're storytellers. I can't stop crying. So, did you go to Cotillion? I already know the answer, but just, like, for the sake of. I did. I went to Cotillion. There's a photo, and we're going to have anotillion. There's a photo and we're gonna have an Instagram account.

Yeah, there's a photo because my younger stepbrother and I were forced to go. And it was pretty much the same. It was like teaching us dances and like how to use manners and shake hands and stuff like that.

And so most everyone from my school went, like all of us elementary school kids went. And I think we must have been about like maybe fifth or sixth grade and i think like all of our moms probably got together and like this would be so nice for the kids so we all went we all hated it of course um and there's a great photo of my little brother and i getting ready to go. It'll be on the Instagram. It'll be on the Instagram.

I'll put it up. I remember quitting. I never went to the final dance. Sure. And also we had an option to do the debutante thing. And I'm like, absolutely not. I'm not doing that. You didn't want to be announced to the world as an eligible woman?

I don't get it for now. It's super, super misogynistic. A hundred years ago, it's like, within that time, it's like, yeah, okay, here are the ladies who are ready to be wed, ready to be courted. But now it's just like, I don't get it. I truly don't understand. So I went, I remember, I'm forgetting our teacher's name. But actually, you know what? One of the reviews I have, I'm pretty sure, is from that cotillion.

Amazeballs. I think it's from that one. Do actually, you know what? One of the reviews I have, I'm pretty sure, is from that cotillion. Amazeballs. I think it's from that one. Do you want to lead us off? Okay. Here we go. First review. This is from Marcy H. in Scottsdale. Five stars.

Okay. Are we ready? You're dying before my very eyes. Your ass was dusty. You're like choking on the dust. Okay. I've cut this review down a lot. So she talks about how, Marcy talks about how her sons loved going.

It's like a three-day camp you go to for etiquette. And the sons had an amazing time, couldn't wait to go back and move on to the next level, essentially. Got it. Cut to, our daughter was far more resistant to attend. However, even after the first day, she started dressing up just a bit and I could tell she was embracing

some of her newly learned skills. One afternoon, she was so excited to set the table and begged we take her to a fancy restaurant so she could practice with the forks and glasses appropriately. She proceeded to tell me how to set a proper table with dessert spoons, multiple forks, and wine and water glassware. She was also excited for her to meet the teacher event at school because she now knew how to appropriately introduce her father and I to her teacher and other adults. When I asked her to show me, she did so, and it brought tears to Why? things was when we were school shopping and she looked at a pair of jeans with a rip in them and said, oh mom, these jeans aren't classy for certain places. Mrs. Brown taught me what clothes are appropriate. Keep in mind, she still wears t-shirts and shorts every day, but there is hope for the

future. The classes, a lot of these prices are not cheap for these classes. No. So like, I just, imagining the family's like financially strained, even though it was the parents' idea to take them to this class and the daughter didn't want to go. It's like, Dad, can we go to Mastro's for dinner? They have four courses so I can practice what I learned in the class you forced me to go to. Totally. You know, I could also just, you know, grill up a steak out back. And like we have a bunch of forks that we could have you practice at home.

No, I want the experience of going. I think on Yelp it was $4 signs. So I want to have the experience of going there. It was $4 signs because that means it's really expensive. We actually, your birthday present was going to these classes. I didn't even want to. You forced me to. I know, but you love them, right? I love them.

Yeah, so you had a great time. So we can provide that experience here and we'd be so excited for you to teach us in our home. Mrs. Dornsby says that poor people are bad. Are you a poor person, Dad? Fuck it, let's go to Mastro's. Ah, wow. He's like worried the whole dinner.

What's foie gras? I don't think you'd like it. This says MP. That's market price. It is market price. Mrs. Dornsby said that market price things are usually more valuable, so they don't put it on the menu, because it's rude to put the price on the menu. It is rude to put... You know what? Mrs. Dornsby said that market price things are usually more valuable so they don't put it on the menu? Because it's rude to put the price on the menu.

It is rude to put, you know what? Dornsby is exactly right. It is rude to put the price on it so that when your daughter asks you, let's get this, and the waiter clearly knows that the old man can't afford it, right? I'm going to order you the house salad and you can practice with the forks that we have. Question just about cotillion in general. When are children going to be going to like five course dinners and like a nine year old needing to use? I don't know.

I mean, honestly, it's probably just like learn them young. I guess. Also, like what what else are the kids going to be doing? You know, it's like nowadays, if I didn't know the skills and I'd have to learn it now, I don't have time to go to a cotillion class. Have you ever used the skills that you've learned? Like, have you ever done the dances you learned at a cotillion? Or have you ever, like, when meeting someone, been like, okay, remembering back.

This is how you shake their hand. This is how you look them in the eye. I don't know. I learned the box step there. And I use that, I guess, sometimes. sometimes but again that was like a year yeah i remember we had to wear gloves and each place it's like all the women have to wear gloves i remember i forgot my gloves one time and in my class you always have to line up and like curtsy and then offer the teacher your hand to shake um and i was i was like oh no oh no

she's gonna be so mad i don't have my gloves and she i'm like i wonder if she'll make a comment and of course she did yeah and she's like oh um didn't bring your gloves i'm like no i'm really really sorry i forgot them at home and she's just like well, a lady always wears her gloves. I have never seen a woman wear white magician's gloves to any formal event. Really? In the past 60 years. All right, would you like to go next? Sure. I'm going to go with my hard-hitting one right off the bat.

This one's truly insane. It's from the Etiquette School of New York. TT. Oh, we have the same one? Do you have the long one? Yes. Okay, well, even better. This is perfect then. I attended Patricia Fitzpatrick's class in 2017.

It was a very disappointing experience. She asked me what brought me to class. I trusted her and innocently told her that my husband and I wanted to find the proper etiquette on a few things because we had some different understandings. After asking a few questions, Patricia gave me the look that my marriage was in trouble. She asked how long my husband and I have been together and then with an evil smile on her face asked the class how long did everybody think my marriage would last at first the class didn't respond but she repeated her question i believe

the class either didn't hear it at first or thought it was super inappropriate and then they ignored her again in the class in front of everyone she told a man that he was overweight and needed to lose a few pounds she called that her advice to him. Oh my god. After the class, a woman politely invited the class to take a group photo. Patricia was reluctant to do that. She asked the woman, didn't we do that over lunch already?

The class had lunch together after the first session. After we finished dessert, Patricia took out her lipstick and mirror to apply it at the dining table. That looked super weird. I've never seen someone do that for a long time. It's absolutely unacceptable table manners. This review, when I read it, I wanted to cry. Yeah.

My wife and I, we just wanted to learn, you know, the standard for proper table manners because, you know, we were raised, I was raised in the Northeast, she was raised in the Pacific Northwest, so we have different ideas. Oh. Are they really different? Like, raised I was raised in the northeast she was raised on in the pacific northwest so we have different ideas oh are they really different like is it causing trouble in the home well she's a little bit more granola and I'm a little bit more formal so like I'm trying to find some kind of like marriage between the two

so if I'm hearing you correctly you're saying you know how to use your forks and knives and she eats off the floor like a dog no that's not what I said class um how long do we think this couple will last? What the fuck did you just say? Sorry, they haven't

responded. Excuse me, class, how long do we give this couple? No, guys, don't leave. Two couples just left. Well, I mean, they didn't want to give you the truth. No, you're making everyone uncomfortable. But if you'd like to stay, I'm sure that I could probably add about five years, maybe give you the truth. No, you're making everyone uncomfortable. But if you'd like to stay, I'm sure that I could probably add

about five years maybe to the marriage. I give it eight more years at least. I shouldn't have looked, but I mean, you're making it really hard to because you have two vanity mirrors behind you. The two cheeks of your ass are cut out of your dress. So I don't think any of these table manners that you're going to be teaching us are all right because you've neuted yourself to us.

I was rolling around in the desert earlier, and so I need to air my dusty behind. I'm going to reapply my lipstick. I'm going to give out some advice now. Okay. Sorry, I smudged a little bit on my lips okay you got it on your teeth too sorry i should respond to a text really quick no we're in the middle of a conversation hello not a text yes i can talk no you picked up the phone that's not a text yeah i can talk who is it who is it just say who it is it's my husband i can talk now yeah no i'm i'm in the middle of

the class but they understand we don't um now i'm talking to this couple right now who, yeah, they are not going to make it. We have a healthy, we have a couple's therapist. We're pretty good. No, she doesn't know how to use a spoon. She's never used one in her life. No, it's more like, yeah, okay. She drinks water out of a trough like a horse. She bathes in mud like pig.

Okay, well, that was one time. Based on the wedding band. Yep. Oh, no that was one time. And I can tell that just based on the wedding band. Yep. Oh no, he can afford it. He just, he, I can tell that he didn't splurge on the ring because he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Okay, no. Honey, that's not true.

Obviously, my wife just left. Thanks a lot for this. Oh, well it's about time. She doesn't belong in a place like this. You didn't even say bye to your husband. You just hung up. That's fine. It's manners. It's not manners. It's the opposite of manners. Oh, do you think you can teach the class? Better than you.

Honestly, yeah. Really? Give it a try. All right. Teach me about a greeting. When you meet someone, shake their hand, look them in the eye. Be courteous. What?

No, keep going. Be courteous. Ask them questions about themselves. Why do you think your wife left you? She didn't leave me for good. She stepped outside because this is not a fun place to be right now. You felt how the energy's changed? This guy's shifting in his seat.

He looks really upset. Do you want to leave, sir? I don't really want to be here. Do you want to leave or do you want to lose a few pounds? What? This is what I call the advice portion of the evening. This is when I give out life-changing advice to those in need. Okay.

Run a mile a day. Eat celery and hummus. Take a bath with Epsom salt. Find a wife. Do your dad proud. And wear a goddamn suit to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Anyway, oh my god, that was exhausting. That didn't take very long, and all you did was chide him.

He's not even that fat. Sorry, you're not fat. You can't use that language in my class. You're being incredibly rude. You said run a mile each day. You told him to purposely dehydrate himself. I thought you were raised better than this. You don't know me! You told me that you

were raised... In the Northeast. That's it. In the Northeast. That's all I said. You look like a Cape Cod guy. I'm from Burlington. The Coat Factory? No. Get out of my class. Are you kidding me? Get out of my class. Why? Because I'm not from Cape Cod? Because you are raised in a

coat barn. Get out of my class. Where are you guys from not from Cape Cod? Because you are raised in a coat barn. Get out of my class. That's not where I was. Where are you guys from? Everybody answers and you just say, Cape Cod. Fuck. What the fuck is happening? Should I do my next review? Sure.

Next review. This is from Etiquette for Everybody in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. Okay. This is from Devin, age eight. Thank you for teaching us manners. I enjoyed making the fake phone calls. All right, everybody. Call whoever's first in your phone log. Probably my mom. Call her. All right, everybody. Call whoever's first in your phone log.

Probably my mom. Call her. Okay. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello. Ring, ring. Hi, Mommy. Hey, sweetie.

How's the class going? It is... Oh, sorry. Sorry. I have to start over. Again! I know. Hello.

Wait, what the fuck was that? Salutations, Mother. Did they just hit you? No. They hit their own arm, and it makes me really uncomfortable to watch. Oh, my God. Salutations, Mother. Are you having a blessed post-sunrise?

Timothy, I'm going to come get you right now. No, Mother, this needs not be so. Ask her a question about her. How was your day, Mother? It was good until now. I'm wazing it right now. I need to come get you. You sound scared. My mom says she wants to come get me. Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone! Mother, I must bid you adieu presently. Very good. Very good. But if you want to come pick me up, I can do it. No, no, no! Alright, now write a review. Write a review saying it was good. Thank you for teaching us manners.

I enjoyed making the fake phone call. It's just such a weird world. It's so funny. Manners. I don't know. It truly reminds me of like, I've never seen Downton Abbey, but I assume that like it's. I love Downton Abbey. Isn't it all about like how if one thing's wrong, the whole house falls apart?

Downton Abbey is a masterclass in cotillion. Oh my God. It is like if anyone knows how to use utensils. Yeah. It's the Crawley family. So, you know. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I've watched family. So you know, oh, okay, yeah. Oh, I've watched every,

I love Downton Abbey. Did you see the movie? Of course. Was it good? It was pleasant to, it wasn't a good movie. But if you're a fan of the show? Even that,

like I'm obsessed with it. It was a lot of cleaning. It's a lot of, SNL did a great parody of it. The stakes have never been lower. Yeah. Yeah. And it truly was like,

the whole movie was about getting the house in order. That's. Which was really satisfying to watch. I guess, yeah, because I do like, like deep cleans actually satisfy me. And it's a big house,

so they had a lot to do. Of course. Here are some reviews from the place where I attended Cotillion classes. I some reviews from the place where I attended Catillion classes. I believe this is the place. It's called Westlake Village Catillion, so I'm assuming it's this. You don't remember the name?

No, because I didn't care. But this sounds right, actually. No, this is 100% it. Yeah. Because I'm looking at the teacher's name, and yep, it's her. Okay, there it goes. I'm assuming these are all moms. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

From Simi Valley. We went to a family wedding last weekend, and my seventh grade son asked all his aunties to dance. They were so delighted, and I was so proud. Aunties? Yeah. Box step. This is our fifth box step of the night, Jason. Come along.

I'll hold the door for you. Gloves, please. I don't think we need gloves at this wedding reception. It is 2019, Jason. I know you want it to be nice. I know you've been attending cotillion classes, but I think you could let loose a little bit. I don't fit in. Everything I like is from the Victorian age.

That's true. I know. What did you like when you were in high school? When I was in high school, I liked to do the twist. We grew up in the 60s, so I, you know. That's devil worshiper dancing, though. For me, I like a box step. I know.

You love a box step. Like you can't lead when you're doing the twist yeah how is the lady supposed to know that i'm a gentleman i want you to listen to yourself when you speak jason all of us do your aunties and i well i listen to you when you speak and i ask questions about you yes jason are you happy are you happy you're you're you're how old are you when you're in seventh grade you're what 13 13 i mean i heard a story about a 45 year old who still went to cotillion and you know what he did jason what did he do don't look excited he had an affair with his 74 year old cotillion teacher of 30 years. No.

So you're telling me I'm on track to have sex by the time I'm 45? That's way earlier than I thought it was going to be. It can be even earlier if you act cool. What's cooler than a petticoat and horse jodhpurs in the garden? A lot of things, Jason. The last one is my favorite, so I'll read the second to the last. From Moorpark. We came to Cotillion because my husband and I

went to a social event where there was a boy about my son's age shaking hands with the other guests and chatting easily. We wanted that for our boy, too. Mom, Dad. Yeah, Chester. Can I get thirds at the buffet? If you ask nicely.

I already did. You know, I was watching Charlie, Sue and Ed's kid. Oh, that nerd? He's not a nerd. He actually seems like a really sweet boy, doesn't he, honey? He doesn't even play sports. I mean, he does, but not football, so. You know, sweetheart, it wouldn't hurt you to maybe say please and thank you and introduce yourself to some people around here.

Why? Because that's what a nice little gentlemanly boy does. I'm never going to see these people again. But you want to leave a nice impression. You never know, you might work for them someday. They're going to work for me. I'm going to start a company. I like that attitude, Charlie.

That's my fucking son right there. Ed, please. I can't believe my husband and the husband who has the wonderful kid both have the name Ed. That's really remarkable. Why did we even come here, Mom? You're always dragging us to fancy shit. Because this is my boss's big holiday dinner. I can't miss it.

Just go. We don't have to come. You force us to come and then you're mad at us that we don't act the way you want. Because I want a different life. I want a different... I'm getting up on the table. Forks drop, everybody stands and stares at you. I want that Ed,

not this Ed. I picked the wrong Ed. I have the wrong fucking kid who never says please or thank you and honestly isn't that good looking. I want that little boy over there to be my son because I have manners and the boys in my family, they do fucking not. So Charlie, you're going to get your dusty ass to cotillion if it's the last thing I do as your mother. And

it very well might be if you do not go to this class. Ed, get in the car. No, not you, Ed. My, my, Ed, no, you're, God, you're attractive. My, Ed, get in the car. Ma'am, we're going to have to ask you to stand down from the table. You just called a seven-year-old boy attractive. No, I was calling his dad attractive. I think that maybe you should, you guys should all head out. My last review is from Agora.

And this is my favorite review that I've had today. I know which one it is. You don't know which one it is. Yeah, I do. Did you read this? You read it to me. No. Salad is...

No. This is from the same page. Okay. My son, who grew up in Yerketillion, was recruited by the football program at UCLA. When he came home from his tryout, he said, when I was on the field, I did what my coach told me. But when I went to lunch with the athletic director, field i did what my coach told me but when i went

to lunch with the athletic director i did what mrs smith told me nice you'd be proud of your boy dad i you've done everything on your own i you know i don't care what you do you're gonna be fine mrs smith is honestly like mrs smith mrs smith was my cotillion teacher i can't believe you so what she taught me everything i know um and so it's, I felt really good to be able to put that to use with the athletic director of UCLA football program. Were they impressed? Did they even notice? They didn't notice. Uh, I mean, well, here's the thing is that it's like, I feel like if I hadn't have done what Mrs. Smith told me, they would have been like, Oh, Trey, um, why aren't you, why aren't you using your fork properly?

I think they care about your athletic ability, and you have the test scores, so I don't think that the difference maker is going to be that you were polite at lunch. Well, the difference maker is that the other boys weren't doing it properly. Do you know? It seemed like they were one-on-one lunches. Because I didn't see them in my cotillion class when I was little, so I know that they don't have that kind of background. Yeah, it's UCLA, so they're coming from

all over the country. You wouldn't necessarily see them in your 15-person cotillion class. Right. I'm not proud of you, by the way. You said you'd be proud of your boy. I'm not proud of you. And it's not because

you've achieved success. It's your personality that I can't get past. You suck to hang out with. Dad, that was really rude of you to say. It's like there's a breaking point, right? I feel like every kid in every scene we've done becomes, like, a monster.

Yeah. Like, this is what Cotillion does. That's my impression of it. I know. Because everything that, like, I've looked at some of the lesson plans, and I'm just like, you guys suck. Like, this isn't what life's about.

You think life's about what silverware to use? And it is. Can I, this is not a review. Uh-huh. But I did think that it was important to talk about, like, this is what people would be hearing in the classes. Okay. This is from the etiquettescholar.com, which is an online etiquette class.

Oh, let's take it. How to eat soup. Oh my God. So I'll be the teacher and you be like a punk kid who's in the class. All right. I know how to eat soup. You just like open up, drink it from the can. How to eat soup.

When serving soup, place the soup plates or bowls. Soup plate? Who the fuck eats soup on a plate? On an under plate. What does that mean? When the soup is finished or the spoon is laid down, the spoon is left in the soup plate, not the dish underneath. Sorry, you're eating soup in a bowl or on a plate on top of another plate. That's wasting two plates.

If the soup is served in a cup, the spoon is left on the saucer. Again, why do we need a plate under the plate that we're eating? That's why we have table mats. Like, I'm not that much of an animal that, like, I don't need a table mat. Like, yeah, I spill crumbs. Hold the soup spoon by resting the end of the handle on your middle finger with your thumb on top. Dip the spoon sideways into the soup at the near edge of the bowl, then skim from the front of the bowl to the back. I'm trying to actually imagine what that would look like, holding the spoon on my middle finger.

That's not comfortable. Sip from the side of the spoon and avoid improv. I need to rewind. Let me play that back. Sip from the what of the spoon? The side? Sip from the side of the spoon. And avoid improper table manners.

Do not slurp. To achieve the last spoonful of soup, To achieve it? Slightly tip the bowl down away from you and spoon in the way that works best. Okay, you've just been giving me step-by-step instructions and now you're letting me freeform it right at the end?

Also, why tip it away from me when I can dip it closer to and let it all cascade down onto the spoon? If you want a bite of bread while eating yourself, don't hold the bread in one hand and use the soup spoon in the other. Instead, place the spoon on the saucer and use the same hand to take the bread to the spoop to your mouth. Sorry. I need to rewind again. I don't know what spoop is. Soup!

For some reason, dipping the bread in seems like it would be really rude. I don't know why. If croutons are preferred, Oh my Christ. Pass them around in a dish with a small serving spoon so that each person can scatter a spoonful or more over his soup directly over the

serving dish. This is such a waste of cutlery. We are using so many unnecessary plates and spoons. I, that's the thing. It's like, you don't, I've never understood the appetizer fork and the big fork. Like I get it. I'm, I'm not trying to like, if that's your vibe, go for it. But like, it's such a waste. And I always use the same fork for the whole meal. It's such a not trying to, like, if that's your vibe, go for it. But, like, it's such a waste. And I always use the same fork for the whole meal. It's such a waste. It's like, that's so insane. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm, like, 50.

But, like, that's how I feel now. As soon as you hit 50, you're like, I need two forks, two spoons, and two plates. Honey, what are you? No, it's just. You seem distracted. Sorry, we need to go to Ikea, like, right now. Really? Because we're having sex.

I know. We need... Sorry, get out of me. We need to go to Ikea. Put on your pants. We're going. Okay, fine. We're here.

Ikea. What did you want? I want two. I want more forks. I want more plates. I want more bowls. Look, if I'm bad at sex, you can just fucking say it. You don't have to drag us to Ikea.

You are bad at sex, and we need more cutlery. We don't have to have these two fights at once, but you are bad at both, and we need, sorry, we're 50 now. We need more plates. Don't look sad. This truly is not the most important thing right now. The most important thing is the forks and knives and spoons. I mean, I'll help you get the...

Yeah, thank you. It's the one thing you can be good at. Let's do it. Maybe we could start experimenting. Sure. I don't care as long as I can eat soup on a plate. Why is this important to you all of a sudden? Because I'm 50. Happy birthday. It was birthday sex

earlier and you didn't give a shit. Yeah, because it wasn't fun. Now put the fucking pork in the cart. Sorry, this is hot, actually. No, that's not the point. No, let's do this in the bedroom. Oh my god, Darren. I like when you get angry with me.

I like when you buy us some fucking plates to eat our soup. And yeah, I want to eat soup on a plate now. On another plate. I saw it in a video when I was like 16 and it all makes sense to me now. You know what I saw in a video when I was 16? Porn? Yeah. We could watch it together.

I don't give a fuck so you're a nihilist when it comes to our sex life but when it comes you're a soup connoisseur with cutlery and it all happened because you turned 50 at midnight yes now you get it

I love you love you too I don't say it enough now that the kids moved out out, it's like. I want to take classes now. I want to go back to that cold October night, 2010, when I had a half day. And you went to the desert? And I found myself Buffalo Springfield style on hot, dusty roads.

And then go somewhere where the ladies are always having their gloves. Why was your ass dusty? Alright, now it's time for... This shook

me all week. This, come on! Struck me all week long. This, come on, shook me all week long. Jeff, don't be sad. It's exhausting because you're always sad. Wow, you sound like my therapist. Jeff, I can't fucking deal with this anymore. What? I'm exhausted.

You tire me out. This is your profession. No, I know. I pay you kind of a lot. And I should be used to this by now, but you are

one in a million, my guy. This shook me all week long. It's a segment that we'll do after the reviews. Basically, what's on your mind?

What's kind of like Jesus? Or what's kind of like that's weird. Or kind of like yo, I's kind of like, that's weird. Or kind of like, yo, I got to talk to you about this. I got to get the word out on this bar that I went to. Yeah. I got to talk about how my sister, she hurt my feelings.

And her husband, brother? No, dude. What's yours? Been painting recently. Really? Yeah. And that's shaking you? That's, well, I shake the canvas to get some textures

in the oil. So, I don't know if I mentioned that already. You didn't. The creative bug bit my ass and I just decided to slap some gavelin onto a palette and then I mix some titanium white into phthalo blue. And then I had a sky and I painted it right. And then I layered on top of that clouds. And then there was a red sort of border that I laid down as a foundation and it's drying as we squeak, right? So after, once it's ready, I'm going to put a sun on the bish

and then make it have rays and a smile. And the sun's name is going to be Barge. Bargeret. Sort of Margaret and Barge, right? So it's a ship and someone named Margaret as a sun with a smile. So it's shaken me all week long. Sorry, I just, I did another piece.

You don't want to hear about that one. Is I'm trying to do the curly girl method for my hair. Yeah. And it's been really frustrating. Why is it frustrating? I don't understand. Because it's like a process. But it looks fine.

It looks the same. Because I brushed it out because I got sick of it. Because the whole thing is that it's like, it goes through a gross period because it's like training itself to like use the natural oils and not rely on shampoo and like all this other stuff. Sure. So then it gets back to like – But aren't you – even already you're not supposed to use shampoo every time. I'm not good about that.

You're going to destroy your hair. Bloop, bloop, bloop. What was that? Bloop, bloop, bloop. Why did you do that? Because you're nervous? I know. Yeah.

Well, this has, bloop. What was that? Bloop, bloop, bloop. Why'd you do that? Because you're nervous? Because I know I'm, yeah. Well, this has been an episode. What did we learn? We learned, I learned that kids won't want to at first, but they'll learn to love setting the table. I learned that if you stay in cotillion long enough, sorry, I want to just put the sentence together in my head and then say it. You can perform an activity that is equal to not greater than your partner's age. So your cotillion teacher who you've known for 20 years taught you etiquette is 69, and you do 69. Right?

This has been an amazing episode. If you guys like it. You didn't respond to what I said. Yeah, if you guys like it, rate, review, subscribe. Do you get it? It's like a sex position. Yep. Again, I'm Riley Anspaugh.

I'm Riley Anspaugh. That's Jeffrey James. Really? We talked about it at the beginning of the episode. If you have your own ideas for episodes, email in at, and I can't promise this will be the email. And if it isn't, I will change it in post. Review Review Show at gmail.com. Dot net.

Dot yahoo. Netting or otherwise. Pictures. Have a happy Thanksgiving, if this is the right timing. And have a happy new year. And you know what? Hey, happy July 4th. Happy 4th of July.

Okay, it's not going to take that long to come out. You never know. That's true. Shout out Marty. Shout out... Maybe it'll kickstart him to do something. Oh, so you're saying if we give him praise that he doesn't deserve, he'll be like, shit, I don't deserve this.

I got to work for the praise. You're killing it, Marty. Hey, Marty. All right, we'll see you next week. Goodbye. That was a Hate Gum podcast.