Review Revue - Dairy Farms

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

This week wine and breastmilk are on the menu as resident weirdos, Alf and Reilly, experience modern milking technology.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote�� Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

Maybe this time I'll be lucky. Maybe this time it'll stay Maybe this time For the first time The axe won't go in my face It came at me fast Lodged in my face was the axe Won't miss the target Anymore Like the last time

And the time before Everybody Loves a winner So nobody loved me Alfie Axface Bardwell Axis That's what they called me Wow.

Again, I'm only stopping it because it is an entire cover of maybe this time for Uncabaret. That one I'm definitely going to need you to forward to me. That is...

Yeah, that was from Nolan Murphy. He says, The King is Back. Hey, Alfred. This was in the end of January, so he's introducing himself. He says,

Hey, Alfred, I'm Nolan. Figured I should introduce myself. I'm sort of in charge around these parts. You're not. The head honcho, so to speak. Also, we've met in person. Made a little ditty for you.

Enjoy or don't. Hello, Riley. Okay, thank you so much, Nolan. I mean, my God, maybe this time. I thought it was going to be about like maybe this time the host won't go away. That's exactly what I thought. But it really subverted expectations. It was incredible.

The twist? It's a no. The twist? Alfred, what's been twisting you lately? What's been twisting me lately is the game of Twister. I play in a Twister league once a week. With a bunch of 50-year-old men. No, this is something I'm nervous to even say it.

Not because I'm worried about how the audience will respond, but because I know how you're going to respond. Oh, I can't wait. So I was playing squash the other day. And I took a tumble. Okay. On Sunday, I fell. I'm so sorry. And I grazed my knee.

Okay. Pretty bad. I'm so sorry to hear that. And it hurts. No, this isn't. No, because this is if i hadn't said that i knew how you were gonna respond this is what you would have said oh did you raise your knee no alfred ever since you hit yourself in the face with a fucking axe oh my god i'm nervous for

your physical health look at her go playing the victim was that the entire story was the entire story that you skinned your knee yeah and it and it hurts. Okay, got it. There we go. That's now it. Yeah, okay. So this is exactly what I fucking thought you were going to do. For fuck's sake, fuck this. That's fucking fucking crazy. Well, what else is new with you other than skinning?

Oh, you skinned your knee. I knew it. I knew that you could resist the temptation of belittling me, you little shit. What's new with you? What's new with me, man? I don't know. I got neapolitan flavored uh bunny grams you're familiar with bunny you know teddy grams well there's the annie the annie's brand bunny i got the neapolitan flavor so it's a mix of vanilla chocolate and strawberry flavored

bunny grams and they're fucking delish and i'm really it's gonna happen before the end of the week i'm gonna eat them like cereal there's no doubt in my fucking mind that before that box is empty they're going in a bowl with some milk and i'm eating it like cereal so i just want to let you know that's happening you you with the panda puffs and the annies like you are eating like a crunchy granola mom in like 2007 well it's because i went to whole foods to grocery shop which was you know that's a choice in of itself um and you know and i and i was i was tempted that the annies were on sale and i said and i said okay i'll get one of these um papa needs a taste i said papa's gonna need some bunny grams. So I got one thing of bunny grams, and I got one thing of the cheddar bunnies.

Um, and they're really yummy. I think cheddar bunnies are ass compared to just like a classic Cheez-It. Yeah, I mean, I don't disagree. Cheddar bunnies, cheddar bunnies. I mean, I'll say it. Teddy grams are better than bunny grams. Fuck. It's because they're organic and shit.

Because they don't have all the like goody, that yummy xanthan gum or whatever. That goody, goody xanthan gum. That xanthan gummy. Xanthan really put her whole gumusy in it. And I also got a pint of Cherry Garcia Ben & Jerry's. Oh, okay. Love how you'll get Ben and Jerry's, but you're like, well, I have to get Bunny Grahams

and not Teddy Grahams. I didn't, no, that's not. They were just on sale and the trick worked. They were like an end cap in the grocery store and I was tricked. But something I'll do, which is really yummy, is I make cookies. Oh.

And then I make homemade little ice cream sandwiches out of the cookies. Have you put like three blankets on yourself? It's cold in here. It's like it was just you and your shirt. Then you put on a blanket and now you have another blanket on top. I'm cold. And they're all red for some reason.

I'm cold. What's new with me? So glad you asked. Didn't ask, didn't ask, didn't um i played mario kart with some friends the other night and uh listen i'll shoot my own horn i'm really good at mario okay i'll say it i'll say it i won't i wouldn't say it if i couldn't back it up i am two weeks in a row you've opened a podcast recording by bragging about being good at a game. Well, here's the thing.

So it was at that birthday party where we played Mario Kart and I exclusively play as Yoshi on a sport bike. Really? Is that like a pro strat? I mean, that's what I found has worked best for me. I only play with bikes. I don't have the cart because

I found the drift is better on a bike um holy shit but i we were like okay what if we played what if we all picked bad combos what if we like on purpose tried to do like the worst combo of character and cart and wheels and glider and stuff like that so i did like a baby Luigi on like a scooter with like awful wheels still one fucking credit still one like and so I guess like it's inflated my ego and sense of ability like past the point of no return like I am and it was also on 150 cc I at first I was like what what's the series playing our friend was like 150 and I thought usually we do 100 i'm like i'm amazing no one can ever beat me ever um can i ask you a question yeah do you think of yourself as a good driver in life i am a good driver i'm a better driver than i am parker i whenever daniel and i are like trying to get a tough spot i'll drive us there and i'll ask daniel

to switch out so he can do i can parallel park it's just like daniel's better at finding like tight tight spots and fitting into that. I don't need to hear about... I don't need to hear about a lot. Interesting. Because I've often wondered if the skills are transferable between video game driving and wildlife driving. No, they're certainly not. Because if I'm driving down Franklin Avenue,

you're not getting a blue shell coming down or slipping on a banana peel that has nothing to do with anything. Also, I'm not driving a motorcycle, so it's inherently different. You ever thought about driving a motorcycle, so it's inherently different. You ever thought about driving a motorcycle? Hell no. But we're not here to talk about motorcycles. Oh, fuck, really?

Why did I say it like that? About motorcycles? Wait, write that down. We're not here to talk about motorcycles. Harley Davidson store. Write that down. That's a good idea for an episode. Where he did it.

Fuck, really? Yep. We're not here to talk about motorcycles. We're not here to talk about motorcycles. We're not here to talk about Mario Kart. Okay. Don't put the cart before the horsey, and don't put the horsey before the cow, because today we're talking the cowy,

the cowy Mandel, because we're talking- Bluey Mandel. Moo, we're talking dairy farms, honey. Dairy farms. Did you suggest dairy farms? I think I did, yeah. Tell me about it.

Why? If I can be honest with you, and I think I can, I was looking at milk when I sent that. George Glass. That's it. George Glass. That's literally how, every time you're like what should we do i literally just oh my god i can't wait to make a family guy reference but there's a family guy there's a family guy there's a scene there's a scene and i again i have watched family guy in

years copy it copy it copy it lying lying there's a family guy lying lying watching it right now no no no you're watching it right now i have a a second monitor. And it's one monitor is American Dad and one is Family Guy. No, and it's this scene where he's like, someone's asking him like what his name is. And he's like trying to lie. And he's like in a cafeteria or something. And he looks around and he sees like a plate of peas. And he's like, it's a pea. And then someone's crying.

And he's like, pea, tear. And then like a huge griffin flies at the camera. And he's like P tier and then like a huge Griffin flies at the camera and he's like P tier Griffin that's my name Peter Griffin oh fuck and look I'm not that's really funny and I think I saw that for the first time when I was like 12 or whatever and it lives it just I think of it all the time it's like other people very good the go-to poll for that would be like oh it's like a Kaiser Soze moment. Not for me. It is fully a Peter Griffin moment. Or when I literally just referenced Brady Bunch, George Glass. No, it wouldn't be that. It wouldn't be that.

It wouldn't be that. That's not normal. Oh, yeah, you have a boyfriend? What's his name? George Glass. Yeah, George Glass. Alf, you ever been to a dairy farm? Been to a dairy farm.

Honey, I own and run a dairy farm. Honey, I was been to a dairy farm? Been to a dairy farm. Honey, I own and run a dairy farm. Honey, I was born on a dairy farm. I have been to a dairy farm. I've never milked a cow. Really? Not even like as a kid? Not that I remember, and I think I'd remember. I just feel like as a kid, it's like you're going to a barn or pettings or some kind of thing and they

let you milk the cows. I can't remember if I've milked a real cow or a fake cow. Huh. That's interesting. Speak more to milking a fake cow. I think I might have milked a robot. Now what the... Okay. That's awful. Like a practice. Where?

Like at a farm. Or maybe it was a real cow, not a practice cow. I don't know. Practice cow? I'll have to call my mom and find out. Practice cow, real cow. I've been to a dairy farm. Okay, what did you like about it?

I've been to a farm. What did you like about it? I mean, I love all the animals. I loved all the animals. There's this one farm. Nothing, nothing. Oh, my God. There's this farm in wisconsin and i think it's just straight up called the farm um and i don't know if it's if it's not it is it's not exclusively

dairy but there are cows there and um you can milk the cows you can milk the goats um and there was one like i remember daniel and i went this past summer when we were in Wisconsin and, um, there it's like very much they cater like to like kids who wants to milk the goat, like they'll bring out a goat to milk. And, um, it's just so funny. Cause I remember doing it as a kid. I think I milked a cow. I don't think I've ever milked a goat. I'm milking a cow as a kid. And like milked a cow i don't think i've ever milked a goat i'm milking a cow as a kid and like it's such a strange sensation like it is what it is wild because the utter is hot and like the milk is hot because it's coming straight from the utter and like it is it is hot milk okay she's warm utter in the hand kill it's a strange sensation Unlike anything else I've ever experienced It's the most pure ecstasy It's hot in your hand

And then you also feel like As soon as you squeeze The milk leave its udder and the life leave its eyes It's like shooting out of the udder. It does shoot out. It does shoot out. That I know. And it hits the pail.

Like, it is. The sound is really. It rings. Yeah. Yes. It's wild. And so I just remember like. And you don't expect it to be hot.

You don't expect the milk to be hot. No. But of course it is. It's inside a beast. Yeah. Yeah. And so at this farm, it was like, okay, like who wants to milk the goat? And like there was one family with a couple of kids and like the kids were like a little shy and then i remember

dad was like uh i'll do it and then of course as soon as dad wanted to do it this little boy was like i want to do it and like then that got all of them doing it but it just like it's in those moments that it's like i would have loved to milk the goat i love animals like i would have loved him and like yeah let me get on in there um But then it's weird. But you were mad about this other family to do it and not you? Wasn't mad about it. Seems like you're mad. Not mad, but it would have been uncomfortable because it was so clearly geared towards kids of who wants to practice milking the goat. Oh, sorry.

So you weren't a kid right now. You went with Daniel. This is me. This was like not even a calendar year ago. And so it would have been weird for me at this farm to be like, I want to milk the goat. Would it have? I don't know. I thought it would have been weird for me at this farm to be like i want to milk the goat would it have i don't know i thought it would have i think it absolutely would have been weird if there were children there who wanted to smoke the goat and you were like no no no i the adult woman would like to milk the goat please there's also i'm forgetting the name of the fact you even

had to ask is that there's another dairy farm in new Hampshire that Daniel and I went to. We're obsessed with farms. Okay, so you guys actually stay going to dairy farms. Turns out you guys are obsessed. And they have this like little, oh God, I'm forgetting the name of it, but it's somewhere in New Hampshire. Train. And they have this little- Train. They have this little hut.

And it's like inside, they have- It's like a, you know, honesty pay as you go kind of situation where they have these coolers with little mini like- Honesty pay as you go kind of situation where they have these coolers with little mini like. Honesty pay as you go. It's like, there's no one in there. And so they have these little like tubs of ice cream,

like small. And it's like, they list the prices. And it's like, pay, pay how much it like, no one's there to watch you. So it's very much just like,

Hey, come on. If you're going to take the ice cream, be honest. Some of the best cream I've ever had in my life. Some of the best cream I ever had. Straight a dairy farm are you kidding no it's true when i have to say there is i remember during peak covid um i was i was at the capital no uh during peak covid i was in upstate new york with some friends doing a kind of trip

to try and escape COVID-19, and we just went camping. You can't escape COVID-19. Honey, I learned that the hard way. We went camping, and anyway, we weren't eating out or doing anything like that, obviously, because it was

July of 2020. But we did at one point go to a dairy in the middle of nowhere in New York and get ice cream. And I had this fresh blackberry ice cream that was just the most fruity, delicious, richest, creamiest, yummy, tummy, tummy, ummy thing I ever had. And I think of it i think of it every day i would like to imagine that every dairy farm treats the animals with

respect and are humane but i fear that that is not so that's all the time we have folks um who do you want to search activity why don't you take it away okay um this is for clock shadow creamery in wisconsin okay it's three stars from sandy i'm only it's three paragraphs the other two paragraphs don't really matter it's just the first one that from sandy n sandy sandy sandy oh my god i'm yeah i'm so fucking tired i can't remember his name don't tell me his name what what's his name who say i know i got i got it i got it i got it give it to me again no man it's gonna be really good sandy n yeah give it to me again. No, man, it's going to be really good. Sandy N? Yeah, give it to me one more time. We're keeping this in, Daniel, please. Give it to me one more time. Give it to me one more time. Need a last name for Sandy N.

Sandy N. Danny Zuko from Greece. Oh, my God. That's what took you forever to figure out. I couldn't remember Danny Zuko. I thought it was like a full character name. Sandy N. Sandy N. Sandy and Danny.

From Greece. Three stars from Sandy and Danny Zuko from Greece. I came to Clock Shadow Creamery for the cheese appreciation seminar. We were put in a small room with a window that peered through the cheese machinery. It was intimate as it was just the man and i and our host i enjoyed the cheese tasting but the tour was lackluster they show you the cheese process through a series of framed photos these photos were maybe the size of a sheet of paper i think the photo should be enlarged to poster size i'm talking about the quality of the cheese and like the curds and how it was good but it's just

the image of like I actually didn't catch upon the first read that it was her and someone else and the guide I thought it was like she went because it's weird that she's referring to her husband or her boyfriend or whatever is the man I guess her and the man was it was it like a partner or something

no just we were I came to this place for the cheese appreciation seminar we were put in a small room with a weird uh with a weirdo with a window i mean hey you you describing every episode of review so i got put in this little room with a weirdo and um that's to earnestly describe someone as a weirdo it was me it was the tour guide and then this weirdo it's also what's what's funny about that to me is that she's like complaining she's like tour wasn't very interesting i'm like maybe the process of making cheese is just boring like that's not ultimately it's not the fault of the cheese makers that most of it is all right and then we wait for nine months yeah and we just let it sit on the shelf but also wild that it's like

the photo i mean is she expecting like this giant factory where it's like they have like the commercialized tours like for for poster board but it really really yeah listen i start spreading the poster boards ah everybody come on out for the poster board conventions what the fuck listen uh simon i have had such an amazing first date with you i mean like as far as first go, this is one of the best ones that I've ever had. I mean, like, getting ice cream in the park and walking along the boardwalk. I mean, it's just, like, out of a movie. Tonight was a movie, Peggy.

Tonight was a movie, Simon. It was. But I just, you know, before, I like to be honest and upfront and treat people with kindness. And, um, before things progress any further, I just think, um, I think, I don't think we're right for each other. I think that it's been so wonderful to meet you and I hope you find what you're looking for, but I just didn't feel that connection there. Dang. Well, I would never want, uh, you know, you to not, I would never want you to go forward with something

that you weren't feeling so like totally understand you know um yeah and like yeah totally like if you want to stay you know if you want to do like a friend friend if you want to try for a friendship you already got enough friends i see that it's not that i know i actually could use some more friends but um it's just there's's something about, I don't want to be mean. I guess I'll just leave it as, you know, maybe just part ways. No, please. Because, Peggy, can I be honest about something? Okay, sure.

I hope you won't take this the wrong way. No. But like, this is my third date like this, this month. First date? My third first date this month and they've all they've all kind of ended like this like i thought it's been going really well like we do little and it's not always the you know the cream and you know but like sorry it's not always we go to the creamery and we get the ice cream it's not always that but but there's always it there's always this moment where it's like and i'm like okay and maybe we're gonna get a second day maybe something gonna you know come out or at least stay friends and it's always

there's this kind of just like you're a really great guy but and i'm like i feel like those other uh women haven't really been honest with me and i would just really appreciate it if you would help me out do me a solid even which obviously like you don't i don't you don't owe me that and so only if you feel comfortable but i would appreciate if you could just be like open and transparent with me in this moment about what it is actually sure sure sure and you know what i'm so sorry that you've been going through that because you really are so lovely no i don't mean anyone would be lucky to be with you stop that's um but i guess if i'm gonna be honest and you're asking me to be not dirt.

Stop that. You've been saying that all night and it's making me really uncomfortable. That's one of the things that I want to bring up. It's that every couple of minutes you say I'm dirt. I'm not. I'm not dirt. Thank you. Trap.

Okay. Again. Sorry. I guess. What were you going to say? The one thing that. And you asked me to be honest i want that like you i respect you i think you're a great guy but um you're uh i wonder if maybe the other days you're a weirdo what You're a weirdo. What?

You're a bit of a weirdo. Like how? You're just like a weird guy. Does that make sense? I wish it didn't. But yeah. Can you understand why, you you know moments like when we you bought my ice cream cone which was so

nice yes I thought chivalry is maybe not so dead right before you handed it to me you said uh oh poison control and you did one long lick around the entire circumference of the scoop before you handed it to me.

It was supposed to be. Right. Because it shows you that I'm silly, I'm a goofy kind of guy, and obviously if it was poisoned, I would be looking out for you, and it also shows off some of my moves. But it wasn't your moves.

Yeah, in the kissing department. Got it. It wasn't just that, though. The night didn't your boobs. Yeah, in the kissing department. I got it. It wasn't just that, though. The night didn't stop there. We were passing along a path, and you said, uh-oh, watch out for the dog poop. Watch out for the dog poop, yeah. And I was like, oh, thank you so much.

But then you took my jacket off of my back, and like a chivalrous guy in an old-time movie putting his own coat across a puddle you put my jacket well i wasn't wearing the dog shit and then we just walked around it so then i had to go wash out my coat in a in a water fountain nearby yeah and by the way i think it's really messed up if we're giving critiques that you washed dog shit out of your jacket in a water fountain. Like, some little kid is going to get fucking foot and mouth disease because of you. Okay, okay.

Listen, Simon, you are the one who asked me to explain. I've got some feedback for you, too. When we showed up here tonight. I'm never going to see you again. When we showed up here tonight and I was up here tonight and and i was saying oh that peaches and cream flavor looks really good i hope i hope they're not sold out of that by the time we get to the front of the line and you and you like you like looked down at my shoes and you were like hope you've got extra cash like implying likelying, like, that I have, like, a broke guy's shoes, I guess?

Like, you were worried I wasn't going to be able to afford to buy your ice cream because I have broke guy shoes? Well, to be fair, Simon, I didn't know. You have, like, a beat-up pair of Toms that, like, all of your toes are showing through them, and I know that they're not open-toed shoes. But I wear that because, honestly, can I be frank about something? Yeah. I'm rich as hell. And I'm scared that girls are only going to be with me for my money. And so, yeah, I dress down on first date.

Trust me, no one's going to want to be with you because of the money. Why? Because they want to be with me for other reasons? Well, no one's going to want to be with me for other reasons? Well, no one's going to want to be with you if you keep being a weirdo. I don't like when you say that about me. I'm not done

telling you all the weird... You asked me. You opened up Pandora's box. Since we're going ta for tat, let's... Speaking of Pandora's box, speaking of Pandora's box...

Oh, this. I didn't say anything about it until now the entire night. Whenever you would do something nice or make me laugh, you would say, am I getting into that box later? No, you didn't. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it. How else could you have meant it? I meant, I have, reaches into his back pocket.

I brought a wedding ring and I meant am I gonna get into the box I didn't mean like why would you bring a wedding ring Simon your downstairs neighbor area Simon that's disgusting well you know what else was disgusting

you know what else was disgusting my box and my downstairs neighbor area you know what else was disgusting? I would rather you call it my box and my downstairs neighbor area. You know what else was disgusting? What? When we got our flippant ice cream and you took the whole cone in your mouth and said, choo-choo, here comes

the deep throat train, and you swallowed your ice cream whole like a cartoon pelican eating a fish. It's a party trick. It's a party trick. And then you said, uh-oh, congested station. And you baby birded the whole intact ice cream back up onto my feet.

And then you said, now your shoes look better. It added color to it. I was helping you. Sorry the party trick didn't go well. The color was red. Something's wrong with you. There was blood all over that ice cream cone. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Because clearly you can't handle honesty like you asked for. So I guess this is... I hope you find your Mr. Right. Because clearly I'm Mr. Wingnut or whatever.

Mr. Cuckoo Bananas. Mr. Too Weird to be with, right? That's how you see me? A little bit, yeah. And to think you could have been married to a freaking millionaire if you'd only given him the chance. Look past his scruffy shoes and his rancid demeanor. Good luck with your freaking life, Peggy. Hey, there's no need to be like that. You asked me to be honest, and I was.

So hopefully, you could learn from tonight. Maybe stop being such a little freak, and then you can get a partner. Wipe my ass. See, that's another thing. Wipe my ass. When the clerk at the ice cream shop

said, that'll be $12.99, you handed him a used napkin from the at the ice cream shop said, that'll be $12.99. Yeah. You handed him a used napkin from the trash and said, wipe my ass. Right. That's a bit. You don't get it. You don't get my sense of humor. And I think that says a lot about you.

And I really hope that you find someone who does. Can I be honest with something about you? Oh my God, what? You did not come across this way on Hinge. Neither did you. You seemed really sweet and genuine. I am sweet and genuine. Not conceited.

I am not conceited. And you were prettier too. You're an asshole. Sure. That's the meanest thing you've said all day. Sure. I'll take it It's truth She goes back up to her apartment

So I'm walking down the street You're about to walk away Oh, excuse me, sir You're about to step in some Dog duty Here, let me I take my coat Oh, you're kidding

Wipe my ass Let me. I take my coat. Oh, you're kidding. Wipe my ass. I'd love to. Gets done on one knee. Will you wipe my ass forever? Oh, wait. No, you look poor. No, it's a gag. It's a disguise.

Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break for the podcast. And we're back! Hey. You little weirdo. You little freak. You little freaky deaky weirdo. This is for a dairy farm out there in Wisconsin. I don't want to say the name of it because it's way too unique. There's only going to be one named this, and I feel like I don't want to dox them.

And this is from Anthony. Well, now I feel bad for naming mine. Yeah, and that's exactly what happened on the taxidermy episodes. But mine was a good review. It was like the creamery was great. All the quality was good. And it was also, it was this person's fault for being like weird tour.

So then don't feel bad. Okay, fine. I never asked you to feel bad. You chose that. So this is from Anthony M. No one can make you feel anything. It's actually you choose. Wipe my ass.

This is from Anthony M. He's a local guide, if that helps. Anthony Mackie. Anthony Mackie. Three stars. A rare three stars for me. Don't often pick those whoa hang on time out before I read

the review what was that what was that about that when you it's true I don't know fucking something to vary the goddamn days all right three stars fascinating to see modern milking methods very state-of-the-art milking facility these beautiful creatures are well taken care of and the staff is very knowledgeable and polite he is a murderer he's a serial killer he is going to burn the place down he's going to have sex with every animal in their facility that is fucking foul i hate this person very state-of-the-art milking facility fascinating to see modern milking methods in the flesh Flesh. Uh, excuse me, hi, is this Anthony? Yeah, what can I do for ya?

Hi, Anthony, um, I'm Kiki. I work at the Moo Moo Town Creamery in northern Wisconsin. Oh, my God. Hang on a sec. Hang on a sec. I'm on my hog right now. Let me pull over. Sorry? I'm riding my hog, my Harley right now. Oh, your Harley.

Let me pull over. Yeah. Sorry about that. What can I do for you? So we saw your review for the Moo Moo Creamery. Right, right, right. Yes. And I guess this is such a strange request.

We've never had to do this, but I'm wondering if you could edit it or take it down. You know, we so appreciate you coming and checking out our space and our animals and our products. But I guess, do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to be rude. I guess I'm a little confused. I left a, maybe I left a, did I leave like a one star?

I thought I left a positive review. No, no, you left a very positive review. I think it's just, we've been getting some emails, some calls about concerns, questions for the safety of the animals, the safety of the creamery, the safety of our staff. Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank sorry. Thank you.

Thank you. Do you think that's related to my comment? They've all been referencing pull quotes from your comment. And so just like, if you could just like either, you can just delete the text of the review and just leave the stars.

Sorry. Whatever's going to be easiest for you. Sorry. I'm sorry I have to do that. Actually, I leave a lot of reviews. I'm a local guide. I mainly just ride around on my hog and i review different places and uh if i wasn't on the bike right now i would look it up on my phone but i actually don't remember what i said could you remind me because i again i would look it up but my hog is in the back and

you know of course i understand that you're on a motorcycle um i guess i'll just start from the beginning. Beautiful state of the art milking facility. Creatures unlike the witch of I've ever seen in my life. How beautiful, how beastly, how scrumptious. Anyone who comes into this facility is in a waking dream, maybe a nightmare. It's time to happen. And it's milking now. Thanks so much. Be back when you least expect me. Good cheese curds. Yeah, I guess even hearing it back, it's, I mean, I'll be honest, I don't remember writing that. But it sounds like something I'd say. And it sounds pretty flattering. I don't know why you guys are so upset about it. What's interesting to me is like, listen, sir, and it sounds pretty flattering. I don't know why you guys are so upset about it. What's interesting to me is like, listen, sir, I don't know you, but based on our conversation,

like you seem like a really lovely guy. And thank you. Maybe we can do some some collaboration, some work together on your local guide. And thank you for riding the hog sometime. Yeah, it's very nice. Take you to some of my favorite spots. Yeah, I guess it's very confusing to me as well. like talking to you how you could write something like what you wrote. Right.

I mean, I guess I'm as shocked as you are that people are taking it in a negative way because, again, I really – Let me just – of course. Let me just go to your – pull up your profile. I'm just curious to see if this feels in line with some of the other places that you've reviewed as part of your guidance. I just stopped at a Dick's Sporting Goods. Is it? I think I remember. Oh, I see that. Oh my God. Five stars. Well, I'm so glad you had a great time. Can I just give you

some of my philosophy here? It's like I don't really think about like, what's the point in leaving a negative review? You know what I mean? Sure. My mother, and may she rest, always told me if you don't have anything nice to say i i know she's she had a pretty she has a pretty bad cold she's resting um okay she always told me if you don't

have anything nice to say don't say anything at all and that's my kind of my philosophy when it comes to reviewing so you know i've loved i love dicks. Well, yeah, and it shows. Again, this is... You know what? Now that I'm reading it, it also feels kind of strangely written. May I share it back to you? Yeah, read it back to me. I don't remember it.

So it's five stars. Okay. And it says, touchdown play ball. I certainly will be playing ball in this gorgeous,-of-the-art sporting good facility. Clean, crisp, airy. It's time to play. It's time to play. It's time to play. Stay. I'll stay. I'll stay here as long as I like. Shutting down, opening up. I'm here all the time. Dick's Sporting Goods, Zero Love Tennis. I mean, look, in all honesty, again, I feel like a broken record over here. I do not remember writing that, but it is, that is inarguably my voice. Like that

sounds very much like I disagree. Like you are so well-spoken and you're so kind and thoughtful over the phone. Um, I guess here, let me just pull up another one this is um oh let me see oh you went to you went to lucas uh the italian oh i love lucas i love yes and you did well you give lucas a four-star review which is interesting oh really was this the time with the chopsticks sorry they made me eat my whole dinner with chopsticks was this the time where they made me the whole dinner with chopsticks it seems like it right where they made me eat the whole dinner with chopsticks? It seems like it. Right.

Yeah, I didn't like that. So I think I remember dinging it a little. It said chopsticks, but then you go on to say chopsticks. Didn't like that. Not as important as how much I love Luca. Luca, Luca, Luca, Luca, Luca. And then you kind of have no spaces in between. Right, right, right.

And then you say, I was robbed at Luca's. Rob of my dignity, robbed of $20 in my pocket, and robbed of a good time. That being said, spaghetti and meatballs is my favorite dish. Didn't have it here, but theirs is probably good. I had the Dover sole, but only the bones. I asked for the bones. I asked for the bones. I asked for the bones. I ate the bones with chopsticks in the alley, in the alley, in the alley.

Have you ever... Luca. That's it. Have you ever tried eating garlic bread with chopsticks before? Have you? It seems like you only ate the bones of a Dover sole. I just... Look, let's get back to the crux of the issue here.

You called me because you want me to change my review. Yes. I will not be doing that. I believe... I really... be doing that. I believe. I'm sorry. I believe that like that is a time capsule. It reflects a moment in time of how I felt about that place.

That's my legacy. I'm a local guide and it would be dishonest and it's a slippery slope. It's like I start changing your review. I'm just saying that you added another review to our creamery, which you just said that you couldn't do. When did I do that? It's five stars, and you said, I want to fuck the cheese. So, okay, we're going to just have to delete all of these. Okay, that's fair, and that's fair. I would never, you know, I would never.

Do you remember writing that? No, absolutely not. Is there a timestamp on that? It says, yep, it says, now it's two minutes ago. It just hit two minutes ago. That is so bizarre. Huh. So it was while you were speaking.

Would you, huh. Would you ever want to go on a ride on my hog? Absolutely not. Okay. Deletes the two five-star reviews. It plummets down to two stars. It's a really bad greenery. Damn it.

Should have listened when you had the chance. State-of-the-art milking facility. State-of-the-art milking facility. State-of-the-art milking facilities. I have one more. I have one more if we have the time. Shoot. Scoot. This is for Cozy Nook Farm. It's in New Hampshire, I believe.

Or is it in Wisconsin? It's in one of them. For you to find out and us to know. It's five stars from Paul B. Paul. Be good. Paul be good. Five stars.

Family owned. Family run. Family fun. All caps. You and the kiddos will have a good time. Glad to support local agrotainment. Family Run is my favorite sequel to the Chicken Run. Family owned, family run, family fun.

You and the kiddos will have a good time. Always love to support local agrotainment. I have never once heard or seen the written phrase agrotainment. That's what I call it when I get really pissed about something and everybody laughs. Call that agrotainment. Agrotainment. It's literally like, I guess the meaning would just be like you know exactly that like going to a farm getting to milk a goat getting to feed the cows and chickens or

whatever but also part of me is just like i don't know it's is it the same would it be the same as like a corn maze i probably sound so stupid right now you sound like a fucking coastal elite i do i sound like such a well take it for me city chick someone who lives in the midwest the heart of this country i think corn maize is count as agrotainment i think these are things that count as agrotainment. Corn maze. Hay bale ride. Yeah. Petting zoo. Apple picking. Apple picking is a great example.

Pumpkin patch. Pumpkin picking. Pumpkin picking. Peach picking. So just a lot of picking. Here's something that you might think counts as agrotainment but doesn't. Vineyard activities. That's not agrotainment, but doesn't. Vineyard activities. That's not agrotainment. I don't think so.

I think that's this whole other kettle of fish. Why? It's sort of bougie. What if it's like a bad winery? Yeah, if it's a bad winery. Now, I just don't care for wine culture. You know this about me. I've never.

We've never spoken about this. Yeah, we talk about this a lot. I just really don't care for that sort of stuff hey there do you want to step up and uh be the be the be the one to squash the grapes in front of everybody come on folks i'm just a mom i know i I couldn't. What's your name, ma'am? What's your name, ma'am? It doesn't matter. I'm just a mom here with my kids. Who wants to see this mom get on up here and stomp some grapes?

Well, my name is Melissa. Who wants to see Melissa get up here and stomp some grapes, huh, folks? Come on, let's give a hand. Let's give a hand. Let's get a hand for Melissa. No one's paying attention. Okay, Melissa, get on in there. Okay.

I'm not going to be very good at it. I'm just a mom. Oh, kids, get on in there. Okay. I'm not going to be very good at it. I'm just a mom. Oh, kids, come on. You want to see your mommy stomp those grapes, don't you? All teenagers. Whatever. Sure. Yeah, can I film it?

Oh, sure. Why don't you film it? I can't hurt business, right? I have a viral video. Why don't you get on? Trust me, this is not going to go viral. What? They want to see a mom stomp some grapes? Hey, Melissa!

I wanna see a mom stomp some grapes, I think. Uh, so why don't you get in there and stomp away? What's your name? Um, no one's ever asked. Well, I know what it's like to be invisible, being a mom and all. It's Persh. Hi, Persh.

Thanks for inviting me up here. The kids start walking away. Hey, Kit. Oh, never mind. They wouldn't want to see this anyway. Oh, they're kids. You know, how old? 16?

15? 16 and 17. I remember when mine were that age. It is a nightmare. Just, you gotta let them do their own thing. They'll come crawling back eventually, all right? Now get on up there. It's being a crawling and stop those crates.

Okay, well, don't blame me. Shoes off. Oh, that's right. Sorry. Don't want any shoe in the wine. Ha ha ha ha. That wouldn't be very tasty. Okay.

Um, excuse me, sir. Mm, I'm getting, I'm getting notes of Adidas. Ha ha ha. I'll getting notes of Adidas. I'll get in the wine. Those are nice sneaks, by the way. Thanks. I start gingerly. I'm not even crushing them.

I'm just like so gingerly touching them. Rolling them beneath your feet. Hey, come on. You can stomp harder than that, Melissa. No, I can't leave my mark anywhere being a mom and all. Melissa, I'm going to ask you one more time. Yeah. Stomp those grapes. Okay, if you really think I can do it.

I think you can do it more than anybody can ever do anything. That's really nice. No, I mean this. I have more faith in you right now that i've ever had in anyone i start stomping it's the best grape stomping they've ever seen a crowd starts to gather malissa malissa i told them all malissa malissa has a megaphone all of a sudden. Everybody gather round. See the world's best grape stomping mommy. Come on, Melissa Stomboe. She's not just a mom.

She can stomp. The kids turn around. What is she doing? This is so embarrassing. Bro, your mom is acting fucking whack right now. I hate this. The video goes viral. She shows up to America's Got Talent.

Hi, I'm Melissa. Crowd goes crazy. Yeah! What makes you think that you've got what it takes? I'm Simon, by the way. I can't remember if I'm still on the show. It doesn't matter. I'm glad you're here. Crazy that I don't know if you'd want to see me. I'm just, by the way. I can't remember if I'm still on the show. It doesn't matter. I'm glad you're here.

Crazy that I don't know if you'd want to see me. I'm just a mom. I don't even know why I'm here. Melissa, we love you! I don't know. I don't know, Melissa. Sounds like the crowd is excited to see you. Why don't you show the judges what you've got?

They wheel on. Great barrel. Okay. the judge is what you've got they wheel on grape barrel okay well if it all goes tits up as you Brits say it wasn't very funny don't blame me because I'm just a mom oh my god what is your act comedy because you're funny

no Melissa look me in the eye you're funny I'll step into the grapes now. I get into a roll. Melissa. Come on, everybody. Melissa. Oh, my day.

Somehow it's already wine. Like the grape juice. Simon goes out for the cup. Dips it in. Takes a sip. Hush over the crowd. It's probably pretty bad, huh? Because it's mom wine.

Melissa. What? I want you to really take in what I'm about to say. Okay. Oh, your wine's bad. Everything you do is bad. All you're good for is popping out them kiddos. This is the single greatest Zinfandel I've ever had.

You mean that, Mr. Cowell? I want to go into business with you. Okay. Okay. She becomes a billionaire off of wine Kids coming home Mom, mom, hey, I know we haven't seen you in a long time

But we've seen what you've done And ever since you left our family and left dad You're doing some pretty incredible stuff Hey mom, I was just wondering Any chance that we could borrow a little bit of change, a little bit of cash, some money? We've got some purchases we need to make. What would you ever want from

me? I'm just a mom. I don't have any more breast milk to give you. You're too old for that. Ew, Mom, we told you. Why would you say that? That's disgusting, Mom. We don't, we haven't wanted that from you since before we could articulate wants and desires. Oh, that's disgusting mom we don't we haven't wanted that from you since before we could articulate wants and desires that's exactly right you haven't needed anything from me since mom

shut the fuck up hey man you don't have to be like that with her no i'm serious shut the fuck up mom you've been there for us you You taught me how to stomp. I didn't know anything about anything until I watched you make that fucking wine. You gave me a reason to live. You gave me something to believe in again. There's not much to it. I mean, anyone can do it. I'm not even that special.

I'm just a mom. Mom, you have the worst personality. Genuinely. The worst person. Everything about you is incredible okay except for the fact that you suck to be around you're gorgeous you're kind you're rich as hell you're a successful business christ-like in your ability to make wine but you gentlemen just being around you makes me so sad. You're an Eeyore woman. You make me sad and angry to be around you. And it's a terrible combo.

Call that agrotainment. What? I don't want the money anymore. Of course you don't, because who wants mama money? I think a lot of people want mama money. But money from a mom? That's so boring. I bet when you look at me and look at my wallet, you're like,

why isn't that in a pair of baggy mom jeans? It's such a mom. Mom, what are you talking about? Tony, Tony, let me try something. I think this might be the only thing that gets through to her. Let me try something here. Hey, mom? Yeah?. I think this might be the only thing that gets through to her. Let me try something here. Hey, Mom? Yeah? Can I have some breast milk?

Tony, I think it might work. I think it might work. Mom, can I please have some breast milk now? Mother, may I? Let me try something, too. Mommy, I'm hung... I'm hungwee. Mommy, I'm so hungwee. Baby's hung...

hungwee for that breast milk. Her eyes light up for the first time in 20 years. What? Well, I... I don't have any to give. But I do have money if you want that.

Perfect. I guess if I can't give you milk, I can give you cash. Is that what? That's all we ever wanted. That's all you ever wanted? No, we're losing it, we're losing it's all you ever wanted No we're losing it We're losing it No no no I wanted the money and the titty milk That's a weird thing to say

I'm not giving you any money Fuck Producer looks up They've been reading the script I'm sorry guys I know it's your life story like this was your mom this was your relationship growing up this third act is the muddiest thing i've ever it's like the last scene just goes on and on of her saying she will give you the money she went there's no real sort of climax to the piece like well and so that that's

then you're reading it right because that's exactly how it felt in the moment because we were at her house which was made of all gold by the way i don't know if we included that literally not even gold like plated it was gold her house was you didn't say that i'm gonna write that down because that's visually that's really awesome too um but yeah i guess what happened is like we went back and forth for what felt like days of like me us being like can we have some money because we're in some financial trouble? And she was really just despondent and like, you don't even like mommy anymore. And so that's when my brother was like,

oh, we want titty milk. And she- You want the titty milk, right, right. And that really put her off. It was fine because we had breast milk. Hey, just reading it put me off. Yeah. Frankly, I don't think I want to go near milk

or tits ever again. Thanks to your screenplay. Would you guys be opposed to changing the ending? Because I know that's really how it happened. We're not trying to make a history book here. We're trying to make a movie. I understand it was boring to you. It was boring to us.

We were standing in my mom's gold living room. We want to make an interesting movie, though. But you also, this is our story. What? You want me to say, oh, she gave us a million dollars each, and then we started our foundations, and we taught people how to make wine with their feet. Is that what you want us to say? I think that would be a much more satisfying ending.

But that's not what happened. Okay. But what happened was she gave us 20 bucks each, said, go get subpedia light, because she thinks that's the equivalent to milk i guess for grown people and then she they haven't seen her since maybe there's more of a story there maybe follow that maybe like what happened to your mom maybe we can get into some speculation we can sort of shift it so the third act is more about you trying to find her i've been trying to find her but she doesn't want to be found.

Because she just said she's just a mom. No one will care where she is because she's just a mom. Can I be honest? Yeah. Please. Your mom sounds like she sucks. What the hell did you just say? Your mom sounds like she has a really, really

bad personality. Like, hard to be around, even. Only my brother and I can say that about her. Why? Because that's our... That's our mom. And we love her. And she sucks.

And she's awful to be around. And she makes wine with her feet. Like, Jesus Christ. But she's our mom, and you can't talk about her like that, you ass. Producer's grinning ear to ear. Now that's how you write a movie. Deal! At the premiere, the brothers are getting out of the limo and the mom is just across the street.

Mom, is that you? Oh, I didn't think you'd recognize me through my binoculars. And also my voice has changed. I've started chain smoking. I know. You boys probably, yeah. Probably what? Mom, come inside.

This movie's about you. You probably don't know. You probably don't want anything to do with me. Why wouldn't we? You're our mom. Because I'm just a mom. I'm just a freaking mom. You guys don't want anything to do with me.

We want everything to do with you. Mom, we wouldn't be successful Hollywood screenwriters and actors and directors if it weren't for you. Yeah, but you don't even want my breast milk. Mom, just come into the theater. Everyone's going to be so excited. No one's heard from you in ten years. That's how long it took to get this film made. Okay, yeah.

I'll come in with you. Really? Yeah. We're selling your wine in with you. Really? Yeah. We're selling your wine in the lobby. People would love a signed bottle. Yeah. Oh, I can sign a bottle. Sure.

Amazing. Thanks, boys. Wait, one question. Yeah. Can I have my tits out? And then if somebody wants some breast milk They can have it Let's do our last segment You don't want to do another review?

No This Took me all week long Night long Was that a mistake? Genuine mistake Night, Walt. Was that a mistake? Genuine mistake. I was just sort of zoned out thinking about that horrifying little bit we just did.

All about breast milk. And I guess I forgot the words to the song we sing every week. Oh, my God. What's been shaking you? Oh my god. What's gonna be shaking me is that scene we just did. It's gonna give me nightmares.

I'm gonna be dreading the day this episode comes out. What has been shaking me oh what's been shaking me is my my curtain bangs man yeah they look good thank you what's been shaking me is that it's just like it's you know when you something you change your appearance in a certain way and it's like how have i not been doing this forever like i i love them so much i can't imagine how i was ever without them and i i mean listen i'm only what almost 27 months comes out stop lying about your age i'm 29 you're 29 no i will be 27 june 3rd um but it like, at least right now, I can't imagine not having them.

Like, I love them. They are such a big part of my personality now. And especially now that I know how to style them. Right. It doesn't feel like a hassle to me because I love them. So I love my curtain bangs. I'm getting them trimmed this week. I'm very excited.

Well, I hope that they become a pertinent part of your style. I hope that you become famous for your curtain bangs. I hope that's not why I become famous, sure no i don't okay when people say oh she's famous for her curtain bangs like it doesn't mean that that's like actually what somebody's famous for i guess we can agree to disagree okay so if i was like oh yeah like you know emma robert not fucking emma roberts what's her fucking name emma watson no the other emma emma stone emma stone like emma stone's famous for her red hair that doesn't mean she's not famous for being an actor red hair the red hair is what got her cast no what's been shaking you i buy i buy cameras on the internet oh i buy

broken cameras on the internet and i fix them i don't even fix them just to have uh and i fixed i fixed one uh that's cool i didn't know you did that yeah it's a little hobby let me grab it for you this is great audio. Great audio. I'm watching Alf go over to his desk. I'm watching him grab a camera. It looks like a... Okay, okay, okay, nice. Looks good. But yeah, I bought it on the internet,

and it was sold as broken. I didn't know how to describe it. All I said was looks like a... So could you describe it for people who know cameras? Sure. I mean, it's just an slr uh camera um konica uh fs1 um it had an exploded battery was literally the only problem with it super easy to fix because the battery packs on these are removable just clean it up and it fucking worked fine i almost don't even want to say i fixed the camera because

they were so little wrong with it. And it was just really satisfying when it's like just an easy fix. And it's like, I was like, do you resell them or do you keep them? Or I don't resell them. I should, because I have a,

I have a disturbing number. My collection grows by the day. I had no idea you did this. Yeah. I think it's crazy for how much we speak that this is, I had no idea this was a hobby of yours. It's very cool. Yeah. Hey, thanks, man. No, I mean, I think it's Psych. Oh, fuck. It's one of my

pandemic hobbies. It's like basketball. You know what I mean? Sure. Anybody who knew me before the pandemic would be like, Alfred doesn't know fucking anything about basketball. Meanwhile, March Madness, I've been, I've watched about eight hours of basketball a day for the last week. Gotcha.

Pandemic did some weird stuff to people, man. And that's probably the long COVID for you. I think, and you can speak to this more than anybody, unequivocally COVID-19 changed my personality. Yes. I'm so much better to be around now. You can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInnet. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash reviewreview. And we have a little Discord channel,

reviewreview and headgum Discord. And you can find Riley and Spa on Instagram.com. Just the web browser, not the phone app at Riley and Spa. And on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week here on the show, we never stop saying this is our favorite phrase in the world. We can't get enough. We love saying this. We love saying it.

We love saying it. We love saying it. We're going to put on whatever this phrase is. We're going to put it on a shirt. I'll do you one better. Whatever this phrase is, I'm going to put it on my body. I'm going to get a tattoo. Okay, great.

And see because we say it every week. Three, two, one. my body I'm gonna get a tattoo okay great and she gets to say it every week three two one you can buy your skrill titty milk shirts at redbubble.com bye thanks titty milk bye Bye. Thanks, City Milk. Bye. Maybe this time I'll be lucky. Maybe this time, for the first time, the axe won't go in my face. It came at me fast Lodged in my face was the axe Won't miss the target anymore Like the last time and the time before Everybody loves a winner

So nobody loved me Alfie Axeface, Bardwell Axes, that's what they called me When all the axes, they're in my face Some bleeding's bound to begin It's gonna happen Happen sometime Maybe this time I'll win Cause everybody Oh, they, they love a winner

So nobody loved me Hatchet Evans Alfred Lumber That's what they called me When all the axes They're in my face Some bleeding's bound to begin It's gotta happen, happen sometime

Maybe this time, maybe this time I'll win. Ah! No, the axe! It's in my face again! Review, review. That was a Hiddem Original.