Review Revue - Dice

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

This week on Review Revue; Alfred and Reilly bet their livelihood, get hungry, and pitch new Mattel products while reading reviews on DICE.  This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh  Twitter: @reilecoyote  <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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me listening as i'm cruising in my car driving fast as they talk slow and you start the pod and i'm probably just for me and trust me i'm having a ball i'll read a review stop enter scene and then i start to laugh and riley's talking like jeff you know you are an ass you're an ass but your friendship makes me laugh come on now shake my week i'm still listening don't mind me you say riley let's not read too many ads Pull up the Yelp and read that review to me Come on now, look and read Come, come on now, look and read I'm in love with Review Review

Makes me laugh while I'm going poo Although I listen to a lot of stuff I'm in love with your podcast Last night I was in my room i fell asleep listening to you every week some new reviews i'm in love with your podcast oh why oh why oh why oh why i'm in love with your podcast oh why oh why oh why oh why i'm in love with your podcast Oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why I'm in love with your podcast Every week's a new ruby Oh my god

I'm in love with the new ruby It's really interesting because there's sort of There's a refrain in that song Yeah Where he's going oh why, oh why But it really sounded on that like he was saying oh why Oh why Yes Oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why oh why but it really sounded on that like he was saying oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why um that was from ryan lutzo i'm so sorry if i am butchering your last name um and that was indeed from december 18th 2021 oh great so a recent one then. So super recent. What I love about that is the complete,

well, first of all, creativity. Yes. But the lack of rhythm, I'd say, is the, not even lack of, it is a blatant disregard for. So I think it was a choice rather than like, oh, I can't find the rhythm. It was like, I'm going to do my own thing. That song needs a pacemaker soon.

Otherwise, it is in danger. The arrhythmia is severe on that. And I loved it. I was cracking up. I was busting up, laughing. It was perfect. So thank you, Ryan. And sorry it took so long, huh?

Worth the wait, though, probably, huh? Super worth the wait. I bet I bet when he was doing it he was going I hope someone else

is hosting the show by the time this gets played. He's like I wonder if I wonder if an entirely different person will be on the other end of this. That would be pretty sick.

That'd be pretty sick. Elfini Tini Oh Elfini Tini My little win-win My little frimble. Riley. Alfred, what's new?

Let's just cut. Hey, cut the shit. What's new? Cut the shit. Cut the crap. Okay, what's new? We can't do that again. We cannot do that again.

Okay, cut the crap. Stop, stop. The crap that's new with me is mainly... Yeah, you started it. No. I just drove a car across the country um and it was no it was awful i my my this is how i know i'm becoming an old man is that i the day after i woke up and my hips oh my my hips were killing me from sitting you know stationary for 12 hours i've i've felt

that after a long time and i was like oh my my hip. And I just kept walking around the house going, my hip, my hip. And, you know, which I think was probably really pleasant experience for my roommates. Are you happy to be back? Yes. I think so. Yeah. What I'm not happy, well, it's tricky

because I do love Chicago. It's the windiest city and I do love wind. But what I don't love is the cold and it is cold as shit here compared to virginia which was a whopping like 60 degrees last week and so that was that's been an adjustment um but yeah i had to parallel park um which i didn't grow up needing to do uh i don't know what the california driver's license exam a lot of parallel parking yeah actually weirdly enough we didn't have to parallel park on the driver's exam the driver's exam driver's test um the driver's exam i thought i would have had to i failed it the first time but even so i didn't have to parallel park no i mean we didn't

have to these are things we didn't have to do on the Virginia driving test. Parallel park or go on the highway. I didn't have to go on the highway either. It's crazy. That is particularly crazy because L.A. is just a map of intersecting highways. But yeah, so I'm terrible at parallel parking. You know, this car is 20 years old. It's not got any of those fancy backup cameras, sensors. So i'm like well in danger of crunching into somebody's bumper and so yesterday

i get on my street really hard to park on my street in chicago i find a spot and i'm like great i'm gonna get it i'm gonna get it i try three times i completely biff it i'm just like in my head i'm like this space too small there's no way i'm gonna get in here i give up i drive around the corner i go three blocks i find a space i'm like dragging my suitcase three blocks back to my apartment someone's taking the space and it is a massive suv it's just like perfectly as if the wheels just went horizontal just managed to go right into the spot um so i was pissed about that and it made me feel really inadequate um so that's the energy i'm really hoping to bring into this episode today i guess it's just my

inadequacy absolutely that's really good um which i know it's something you can relate to yeah go speak on that uh nope that's not what i was gonna say i was gonna say i'm actually riding a high because jeff and i had a really fun time at headcomb happy hour last night performing um it was an amazing lineup and we had a ball we we did a review and a scene and it was the first and only time that we've ever done any live review review in person together and he's no longer a co-host which is insane that it took us that long uh but pandemic but um it was a blast and i don't feel inadequate in fact it's like what a rush to be able to perform live comedy again i was feeling really good about myself. I felt like we did really solid improv

and had a lot of fun and everyone in the lineup was great. And today I'm getting curtain bangs. That is the way the inadequacy comes in. Right, right, right, right, right. So that is, I guess you're right. If you were that happy with where you were, you wouldn't be getting curtain bangs.

Would I be getting the curtain bangs? That is a cry for help. I am excited and scared i'm either gonna look hot or not i'm either gonna look the best i ever have or um terrible and so i guess i'm just like really excited to see what the future holds for me it's like the way you're acting is it getting bangs is this sort of russian roulette where there's there's no in between it's either like 100 killed it i am a model or i can't go outside anymore that is what it is i'm mortified i'm not getting straight across bangs like i'm very much getting 70s curtain style um

and again i i just feel the last time i had bangs i had side bangs in middle school. Wow. And that was, like, the coolest thing to do. Sure. And I felt amazing. But what's – here's the thing. I like being low maintenance with my hair and just remembering that, like, with curtain bangs, you got to, like, do something about it. You got to do maintenance on it. Yeah. So we'll see.

We'll see. And then it's going to be the growing out period. Listen, we're going to go on a journey together. Yeah. You'll get a week-by-week update. I bet, like, after I get it, I'll'll be like i fucking love it i feel amazing next week i'll be like i have to style it and that sucks because if i don't style it it looks like shit um oh i guess in the same way it's like we're talking about you know you brought up russian roulette

we're talking about games we're talking about you know taking a chance i did bring up russian aha you said that. There's no way I did that. Oh, I guess I did. And I guess what it comes down to, there's no better game of chance than throwing a pair of snake eyes. Rats.

Rats. We're talking dice. Dice. Roll the dice. Andrew, dice, Clay. Dice. Roll the dice. Andrew, dice, Clay. Dice and air wrap, which are too expensive, and I just have a hair dryer and a curling iron, and that'll do just fine. Hot take. I think Dyson vacuums don't even work very well.

I have a Dyson vacuum, and I love it very much. I would rather have a shark. But no, dice. What's your experience with dice? You big dice person growing up. You have a lot of dice. Yeah. Dice collection.

Dice in the alley when I was a ween. No, listen, dice. So here's the thing. I bite my nails. Gross, gross, gross habit. Spoiler alert. That's why I get gel nails, gel gel x nails because i bite the fuckers all the time um so what's helpful is like i constantly need to be doing something with my

hands right and um either it's like a little ball or like a hair tie or whatever like i need to keep them active when i have a pair of dice oh baby that is like the best hand feeling just shaking some dice um i love a game so it's like i love throwing i'm just imagining you in the in the waiting room of a doctor's office just like a pair of dice well here's the thing i'm not using um and spa uh it's and spa we're ready for you're like throw them on the ground luck be a lady tonight looks like it's your lucky day doc i suddenly turned into bugs bunny you see i'm gonna go back for that appointment now doc it's turning into Peter Griffin

it all comes back to Peter it's always Peter every impression I have is Peter Griffin I here's the thing it's like I'm not I'm not taking dice as like a fidget thing it's just when I am playing a game with dice I love it Daniel's dad taught me a dice game that's called Ship Captain Crew

I don't know if you've heard of it or played it I think I have weirdly Love it. Daniel's dad taught me a dice game that's called Ship Captain Crew. I don't know if you've heard of it or played it. I think I have, weirdly. It's really fun. Honestly, it's too long to explain, but that's a dice game that's really fun. Also, a memory that I now am just like, oh my God, how could I not bring this up? When Alf visited Daniel, Elizabeth, and I a couple years ago- I forgot about that. We were going to play one game called Chameleon, this fun board game.

But instead, we just took the dice from that game. And we were, I don't know what happened. We turned feral. It turned into like Lord of the Flies. That's what I was thinking of. It turned into Lord of the Flies. And we were just like, we weren't actually betting anything. No.

We were just like, we're like, seven, seven, seven, go. And then like, Alf, Alf, you really took the cake. You were like, I'll bet the house. I'll bet the house. I'll bet my shirt. Alf's taking her shirt off on the floor. He's like, oh, my wife's going to fucking kill me. We were like, it was, we lost ourselves.

And it was only after we finished playing that we realized, we're like, oh my God, what the fuck happened? It was one of those real like horror movie like sort of the light of day and like you just like see the after you see what you've done the clarity of just like what what did we just do for 45 minutes um it was it was unhinged you know i have i have what some um doctors, mental health professionals have referred to as an addictive personality. And I think that definitely... Have referred to as? I think that definitely includes things such as gambling.

And I just, I get really fucking into it. I get really... Have you ever felt addicted to gambling? No, but that's mainly because I've tried very very hard to keep myself away from like actual gambling because anytime it's like jokey gambling i just get too into it and i'm like you know jokey gambling is incredible i'll like genuinely any video game you know like i play a lot of games sort of a gamer type uh you know that has you know like poker or whatever like a built-in like a game you're obsessed with video poker yeah it's like i you know that has you know like poker or whatever like a built-in like a game you're

obsessed with video poker yeah it's like i you know i play like red dead redemption or whatever it's you know supposedly a video game about like being a cowboy not for me that was that was a video game about playing fucking texas hold'em that's all i did you know anytime there's like during during the pandemic i got really into playing online dominoes because i guess i'm 90 how old are you yeah it was a very strange time for me but yeah i got really into dominoes so if anyone ever wants to play dominoes hit me up um but yeah i love dice i think they're beautiful um you and i both play dnd you know there's some gorgeous like dnd dice like yes but we're not talking about dnd dice we're not talking about dndD dice today. We're not talking about D&D dice. D&D dice, actually, I think I have it on my desk here.

It's under some shit. D&D dice are beautiful, but that's not to take away from the beauty of just a normal six-sided dice. A hexahedron, just a normal six-sided view. Just a normal six-sided dice. I can kick us off if that's not crazy. Shoot. This is just for regular bicycle brand dice. Oh, I love bicycle.

It's a pack of one set of dice. Normal shit. You just did classic normal shit, you know? Sure, sure. All right, I'm not fighting you. Okay, this is five stars from Sharon Y. Sharon, you're spit. Her last name is You're Spit. Sharon, you're spit. Her last name is You're Spit.

Sharon, you're spit. Mr. Spit? Sharon, you're spit. Jesus. Five stars. I'm sorry. The title is Lots of Dice. Okay.

Oh, sorry. There's 10 dice in here, not just the two. That makes sense. that makes a lot more sensation lots of dice they are lighter than i expected but roll well good value for game night she was wanting to buy weighted dice she meant to buy weighted dice but regular dice lighter than i expected if you know what i'm saying all right boys step aside and. Step aside, step aside. It's, uh, it's Tiny Tim's

turn to take a roll, and let's just say, tonight's not gonna go well for you all. Luck's gonna be my lady tonight. Yeah, alright, Tim. Cut the crap and shoot. I give him a kiss. I make sure they're, like, feeling good in my hand.

To myself, they ain't gonna know what hit them. Rolls it. Seven. Looks like tonight's not your night, ain't it, Moe? Hold on. Hey, how about this, Larry Blue Eyes? Let's do best two out of three, huh? I think that was just a practice roll. Yeah, practice roll. Sure, boss.

Let's double a nothing. Okay. I really appreciate you playing, shooting craps with your boss in the alley. I really like the dynamic that we got. Yeah, you know, I just feel like a lot of workplaces, you know, I see us as more of a family than a sort of colleague relationship. Anyway, shoot your dice, boss. Come on! Okay, okay. Alright.

Okay. Come on. Get it together, Tim. Get it together. Blows on it again. Luck be my lady tonight! Throws it again. Another seven. Fuck me! Boss, I don't know what to tell you here. I don't want to tell you what to do with your money, but I think we should probably call it if you, you know, I think you should probably-

No, they were supposed to be loaded! Uh, I mean, I'm loaded. With cash, see? And that's why I can afford to play this game so much as I do. Because I'm the boss, and I'm loaded. Yeah, that's it. How about I throw it again? What's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?

Okay, boss. No, I mean, you're the boss, boss. I just mean, you know, I just thought the business wasn't doing too well, you know. What with the automobile industry picking up on all, you know, us as, you know, horseshoe manufacturers, things haven't been looking so good. So, you know, I just was wondering, you know,

I guess I didn't think you had the cash but if you got the cash you got the cash let's shoot no i definitely have all the cash sure see and and that's why um i'm so good at dice you know i uh here we go how about you let me roll one more time and um i will you know what i don't think we ever fully agree on the terms of this gamble so if i if i get snake eyes on this role i'll give you all of my personal savings and you can be my boss i'm so confident in this next role that i will let you take over the company well hang on boss usually a bet has two sides you're just saying a condition that's really good for me but if it's anything other than snake

eyes it's just neutral that doesn't seem like a proposition that's worth anything for you business as usual okay well for for your sake i'll say if you get anything other than snake eyes we'll wipe out your debt that you owe me from the other two rounds that we played. How's that for a gamble? Oh, I guess that makes sense. Sure, if that's what you want to do. I was just happy to keep the debts, keep business as usual. Everything is normal.

I'm in debt. Or you're the boss. Hey, boss. I just want to say, I hope you... I'm just holding back tears. I hope you never play dice with anyone else. I don't mean that, you know, I don't want you to take offense. I just mean, you know, I would hate for somebody to take advantage of your good nature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, don't worry, don't worry about me, Larry Blue Eyes, because I, uh, I'm the best dice player this side of the Mississippi. So here we go. Last, last shoot. And luck is gonna be my fucking lady. I swear to Christ. Here we go. I bought these dice.

They're supposed to be one way, and they're gonna be that way now. Rolls, rolls, rolls. Like, zoom in. It's like slow rolling. We're chasing it down the alley. They're going so far. Hold up, hold up, I can't see!

It goes under horses, under cars. We're dodging. Whoa, whoa. One of them's a one. The first one that landed was a one. The only other dies. It keeps going. Oh my god. Oh shit, shit, shit. Turns a corner. How does it happen?

Starts going up a wall. We're climbing a fire escape. It's gotta stop sometime. Come on, baby. Through someone's kitchen. So sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me, ma'am.

Pardon me, ma'am. Pardon me. Pardon me. Big snakes on the line. That soup smells lovely, miss. Gets to the roof. Jumps onto another building. Oh my god!

Parkour. Leaping across rooftops in this city of ours. I'm getting my steps in today, you know what I mean? He brings us back to the alley where it's just covered in scrapes and blood and sweat. We could have just stayed here. There was no reason to run.

We could have just stayed here. Slowly lands on a six. Oh, boss. No, you shouldn't be calling me that anymore larry blue eyes because boss no no you're right sorry you're the boss and what do i call you now you call me a felon because if i can be honest with you right now, I bought these dice. And you remember how I said I bought them loaded? And then I said, I'm loaded.

I don't have a penny to my name. I bought these dice that were said to be loaded and landed on sevens every time. But I've been playing dice with men all over the city. Some women, too, if you can believe it. And I've lost every single one. Boss, I mean, felon. Thank you. Can I be honest with you about something?

Absolutely, boss. It was never about the money. What? It was about the QT, quality time. That's what I was in this for. Is that your love language? My love languages are twofold.

Quality time and physical touch. And I know that that's not how you roll, so this is really the best way for us to gain a sense of platonic intimacy. Mine? Wait, mine is quality time and words of affirmation. Well, I think you were the best boss I ever had, felon. I give you a pat on the back. And you know what, boss? Thank you.

You are the most patient man and patient boss I could ask for. Oh, geez, felon. Makes me sorry for what I'm gonna have to do next. What are you gonna do? Well, uh, I've recently come into a position of power, you see, and... Oh, that's right, I forgot about that. I got a business to look after now, and I... Yeah, and I'll help you.

I know, but how would it look if the Bobbies came in here and they saw... They saw me employing a felon? With my history, that'd be no good. They'd think we were up to no good in here. So, uh, gonna have to ask for your horseshoe badge. Not my horseshoe badge. I know, your certified horseshoe maker badge. I know, no, felon, fel, but let me keep my horseshoe badge. We both have full-sized weighted horseshoes attached to our lapels.

Fallon, listen, buddy. You can still call me by my name. You don't have to call me Fallon. I just am a Fallon. All right, Elio. Here's the deal. You know what? Tim is short for Elio, here's the deal. You know what? Tim is short for Elio.

I'm so glad you know that. Because your full name is, well, let me think here. Eli, Elio Tim. Elio Tim. It's from Italy, the old country. Anyway, here's the thing. You know, I don't know if this was ever really your passion, horseshoes.

Can I be honest? It seems like you're fucking terrified of horses. I don't know how you even got into this business, you know, you're an old man or whatever, but... They're like big, scary dogs. They are. They're like dogs, but 80 times the size. Uh, you know, boss, I mean, felon, or I mean,

Tim, Elio, Elio. I think maybe your passion has lied somewhere else all along. Maybe I'm doing you a favor. Is it the dice? Yes, the dice. I'm doing you a favor by cutting you loose. You can go, you know, run around the city shooting dice with, you know, birds and all sorts. Thank you. I take off my horseshoe. I give. Thank you. I take off my horseshoe.

I give it to you. Two weeks later, you see an article in the paper that little Elliotim dies after drowning in the Hudson because I chased a pair of rolling dice into the sea. I smoke you a huge cigar. The business has exploded in the last two weeks. On a horse.

A velvet suit. Beastie died doing what he loved. We could all be so lucky, son. My son's on a horse next to me. On a horse next to you. Also smoking a cigar. That's what they did. I hope I go out like that.

Me too, boss. Me too. You named your son a felon. Me too. Boss felon, Timothy Elio. Junior. Horse fucks him off. Oh, shit!

Oh my god. That one reminded me a lot of my childhood. I guess I grew up in the 20s and I shoot dice. You got it. So really, it really was a one-to-one.

Yeah, I guess I was pulling pretty directly for my upbringing. Oh, let's take a break and shoot some dice. After this, we'll shoot more dice. And we're back oh we shot some dice and now we're gonna shoot some more dice i lost everything um this is a fun one i've got for us here guys i think um i think we're really gonna love this one i think everybody's gonna fucking love this oh my god you're really hyping it up no no no it's shit you're gonna fucking hate it uh swoop games yardsy farkel and 20 plus games lightweight yard dice game set all weather with wood bucket five big laminated scorecards and a marker yard games for family so just in case it

wasn't clear from that insane description it's a a big bucket full of a bunch of large wooden dice from on games. Five big markers. Five big markers. Okay. So, this is from FireD. F-I-R-E-D. Firedyson.

Firedyson. Says, five stars. Wait, how many stars? Five stars, five stars. Too much oil. Lots of fun, though. Great fun, but the wood oil was still very wet when we received. I would highly recommend for fun. Not sure about non-toxic having an art background

I'd say wrap it in cheesecloth for a few days to let the excess oil soak out what? they were noticeably fresh guessing they were trying to get them out quickly five stars though five stars

oh my god it's like that reminds me of like um you know when you're you look up a recipe and there's like a whole novel beforehand it's like this is the easiest chicken piccata you're ever going to make food network all right welcome back to cooking with candace thank you guys so much for tuning in today. I have my incredible producer here who has agreed to hop onto the segment with me. Give him a wave, Albert. Hey there, Albert here. I've got, yeah, sorry. I'm not used to being on this side of the camera so much. Edwin chuckles. Oh, hey, you're going to do great. This is the easiest, like I said before the break, we are going to make the easiest, just simple

buttered noodles with cheese. It'll be great for kids, great for a rainy day, and great, even Albert can make it, right? Everyone's laughing. I wouldn't be so sure, you guys, okay? I kind of got two left hands when it comes to being in the kitchen. The crowd's going crazy.

Oh, they love you, Albert. They love you. Okay, so here's what we're going to do. First, I just want to give you a little bit of a backstory. This dish, Albert, I actually don't even know if you know this, and we've been working together for, God, eight, nine years now? It's crazy. Nine and a half.

My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, all of the women in my big, beautiful Italian family passed down this pasta recipe to me. And oh, I'm getting emotional. God, folks, come on! You gotta love her! You gotta love

her, folks! Everyone's weeping, clapping. No, no, no. It's just this dish really just brings me back to my Italian roots. And I'm just really happy I get to share it with you. With all of you. So first up, what you're going to want to do. Well, no, let me just say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just want to say I'm honored. You know, a lot of you in the audience you probably remember my um my my genealogy episode you know where we we really dived in you know we did a whole family tree for me and yeah and we found out that you know nobody knows where the fuck i am from um and and you know for you sorry no one knows where you are or where you're from either they really it's hard to pin down my voice um you know i have this it's a condition uh neurological condition where my accent changes pretty frequently and anyway i just want to say your strong connection to your italian heritage um i really think that's beautiful and it's something that i'm so envious of and i'm just

so grateful that you're allowing me to be a part, sort of letting me in in a small way into your famiglia. Oh, of course. Of course, we're so happy to have you as part of our famiglia.

And that's why we're going to give you this pasta to really bring you into the fold. Thank you. God, you got a lover, folks. Can we get it up?

Can we get it up? Everyone's just like rabid. Oh, guys, come on on we'll give it up for albert we're both you and i are both starting to get scared a little bit just a little just a tiny bit scared what's going on okay well all right let's time to do the cooking huh let's all simmer down like this pot of water that you started already oh god um okay uh first thing you're gonna want to do um is you're gonna want to set aside two hours for this recipe it's easy but it is time consuming um so if you're planning on making it this is going to be your afternoon but it's worth it it's worth it. It's worth it, you guys. I promise. Guys, I'm sorry.

Growling? Oh, God. I got a little distracted there. Yeah, I think the most important thing to take away from this recipe is how quick it is and easy. Isn't that right? It's really easy to make at home. Yes, it is very easy. Listen, here's the thing, Albert.

I was going to give you the long roundabout way of doing it. There are about 52 steps if you want to make it authentically for buttered noodles and cheese. But they are lovely. Sweating. Oh, sorry. Getting a little shiny. Our lovely, lovely audience is seeming a little impatient today. Yeah.

Why don't we... Oh! Oh! Here's a fun thing. I don, why don't we, um... Oh! Oh! Here's a fun thing. I don't know if you've ever done... Sorry, and again, I... One of them gets up and locks the doors. I don't know if you've ever tried...

Have you ever been to Hibachi? You ever been to Hibachi? God, you know what? I haven't done it in a long time, but I love how quick and easy it is. Yeah, and you know how they sometimes do that thing where they throw a little shrimp, and, oh, can you catch it in your mouth?

Let's just chuck some, I don't know, raw, what do we got here, raw pasta? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's throw the raw pasta into the fucking audience. They're all catching it, crunching it. Yeah. Oh, wow. They really are loving this stuff. Okay, what if we, oh, okay, oh, God. Well, don't forget the cheese.

Hey. Tossing cheese into the audience. We gotta go. We gotta go, man. I don't know. I don't know. They locked the doors. They locked the doors. I know, but... They're all like... They're trying to get closer. Oh, we can't forget. We have some fresh basil. Sorry.

I accidentally cut myself cutting off a bit of the basil from the plant. Oh, god. They're all sniffing like, oh, blood. Please, I accidentally cut myself cutting off a bit of the basil from the plant. Oh, God. They're all sniffing like, oh, blood. Oh, please. I have a family. I have a family. I have three beautiful children.

An incredible husband at home. Holy shit. Look what they did to Sam. Look what they did to the camera. I came up full beheaded. Absolutely maimed. Maunching on his head. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Um, you guys, please head. Oh my god. Oh my god. Um, you guys, please, this is all live. Guys, um, I just,

I want to make it clear that all of you, all of you here are part of my beautiful familia and I just would hate to see life end like this.

This is not the told you that this is, this is really scary. Okay. I got no one. Okay. It's obvious. i got no family i start turning on you i got nothing i'm the one who has to die here's here's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna

make a break no no no no i'm gonna make a break for it okay i'm gonna i'm gonna draw them away and then maybe you can you can unlock the door you can get out you could you know if you're quick you can get out okay you would do that for me i would do anything for you i'm your producer they immediately jump on i make a rig for it i run out oh i take it back i take it back i'm at i'm at barnes and noble i'm at a book reading. This is the whole story before my recipe for muttered noodles and cheese. And so after that harrowing day with the cannibalistic rabbit audience at our studio in Brooklyn, I'm happy to share this recipe with you all. So step one, you're going to want to get four quarts of water and bring it to a rolling boil.

Everyone starts. Everyone starts crying. Standing ovation. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Tears. They're like, that's the most powerful book recipe. One of the reviewers just, get to the fucking recipe already. What?

We're all thinking it. Someone comes up to the table after the signing. Hey, um. It's me. Someone comes up to the table after the signing Hey um It's me He's like missing an arm Oh my god Huge trench coat Massive bowler hat

Hiding under it Oh my god Albert give you a hug You're alive Barely I thought they got you in the mauling. Make up part of me. Gestures to the missing arm. They didn't get all of you.

No. And I, after a little bit, I realized that they were just hungry. They didn't, uh, mean any harm and, well, uh, we've grown closer, the horde and I, and I just wanted to come here and let you

know that I'm doing alright. You don't need to worry about me anymore. I- I got a familiar of my own now. That makes me so happy, Alfred. more. I got a familiar of my own now. That makes me so happy, Alfred. And you know what's funny? I turned the

cover of the title of the book's called You're Not Rabid, You're Just Hungry. That's for you. And for them, I guess. You named it after us. You and your familiar. I wipe a tear from the eye,

my eye. I pull a hand out of my pocket. I start eating it. We were just hungry. You're not rabid. You're just the horde. And he befriended. I want to see a spinoff of him befriending the horn. It's a sitcom. How he managed to get out, have them stop eating him and take them in.

It's a powerful story of love and family. And I think it's really a modern tale. It teaches us a lot about of love and family. And I think, you know, it's really a modern tale of kind of, it teaches us a lot about ourself and our society. And I think it's really powerful. And I just wanted to. You know that HBO Max show Selena plus chef? No. It's really wild.

I don't, the name is bad. Is that what happens in it? It's Albert plus Horde. Is it Selena Gomez and then a chef? It's Selena Gomez. And it's like like it's a show where like a chef different chef comes on every episode and like teaches her how to make a dish and they make it simultaneously and talk it's it's not good but um but i'd like to imagine it's albert plus horde okay guys uh get another uh horde oh settle down settle down, settle down. Do we have time for one more?

I mean, shit, does the... Yeah, probably. Don't be crass. Yeah, I think we do. Do you want me to do it? Take us home. Take us home, brother. Now, you won't believe this. I think this may actually be from the same dice

that you were just talking about. This is 100 pieces, 12 millimeter, small, six-sided dice set, translucent colors, dice. Well, who's it from? It's from Jessica R. R. Jessica really races. No, I didn't like that one. Jessica, Jessica Rabbits Rabbit that one. Jessica Rabbit's Rabbit.

Jessica Rabbit's Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit's Rabbit. Jessica really racist. Shut the fuck up. You know what they say, first thought, best thought. I don't know about that. How many stars? One star. Not what you think. Very, very small like barbie size man these dice are not what you were

expecting unless you're expecting a hundred dice for your barbie doll to play with and your cats to swallow whole but really these are really really small definitely made in china i think they're supposed to be for decorating your fingernails or something. Welcome, welcome Team Mattel. I'm so excited to be back for the 2023 toy season. And, you know, we have done a lot with Barbie over the past year. We got Barbie Movie coming out, got a girl wig, Marco Ravi. We're all really excited about that. And in the spirit of refreshing, renewing, regenerating,

I'm ready to hear some more ideas of like, what can Barbie be up to this year? We've had Dr. Barbie. We've had astronaut Barbie. We've had English teacher Barbie. What else? Where else can Barbie go this year? I'm open to any ideas from any level of team.

We got the whole all hands on deck meeting here. So let's just kick it off. Does anyone want to get us started? Sure. Big Kev here, marketing. Kev! Oh my God, so happy you're here. Thank you.

Thank you. It's a pleasure to finally be back in the office, you know, after COVID. Oh God. Hey, can I give you, can I give you a hug? Can we do that? I don't know. I mean, just like COVID wise. Yeah, no, and I'm saying I don't know. I mean, just like COVID-wise. Yeah, no, and I'm saying I don't know.

Okay, got it. Let's just play it safe. What were you going to say? No, I was just going to say Zookeeper Barbie, I think it could be kind of fun. Just an idea. Just want to put it out there. Zookeeper Barbie right now.

Big whiteboard. I love that. Maybe she like, yeah, maybe she like, you know, like feeds a baby elephant or something cute. Oh, everyone cute. Cute, cute, cute. But it's also like women in STEM. It's like, you know what I mean? There's kind of a positive, you know, like feeds a baby elephant or something cute. Oh, everyone cute, cute, cute, cute. But it's also like women in STEM. It's like, you know what I mean? There's kind of a positive, you know, there's something there.

That's fantastic. You know what? I can totally see the baby elephant being like a little accessory in that set. That's fantastic. That's fantastic. All right. Who else? Hi, Aaron from development.

Oh my God, Aaron. Aaron's our big ideas gal. Oh, stop it. Stop it. You're so, you're so funny, Billy. Oh, come on. Big Kevin leans over to the guy next to him. Holy shit, that's Aaron.

No, guys, come on, stop. Everyone's like, oh my god, Aaron. Astronaut Barbie was her fucking idea, man. She's a rock star. Astronaut Barbie was my idea. I don't know, I've been toying around with this one in my head a little bit. Toy, no pun intended. Everyone loses their't know. I've been toying around with this one in my head a little bit toy. No pun intended. Everyone loses their mind.

So good at this. Aaron, I bet whatever it is, it's going to be fucking brilliant. Okay. Okay. Stop it. Stop it.

You're putting so much pressure on me. How about casino Barb? Sorry. Sorry. Daniel cut that off. How about casino Barbie? Sorry. Sorry, Daniel, cut that out. How about gambling Barbie? Okay, come on. What's the real idea?

What's the real idea? She's always got jokes, man. It's so fucking funny. No, I don't think this is a joke. I think that I want to see... Why can't Barbie want luck to be a lady tonight? Why can't Barbie throw craps in the alley? Why can't Barbie lose herself a little bit in a game, stay in a casino until it's light outside and she

doesn't know what time it is? Just a thought. Yeah, Erin, I think that it might be a little mature for our demographic. Well, kids gotta grow up sometime. She's kidding! This is a classic Erin from development bit, right? I don't, I don't, hey, be careful here, marketing. I don't know, man, I think Erin might be

onto something with that. Uh, I, no disrespect to Erin, I don't think she is, because that feels like a really inappropriate theme to have for our children's doll. You know, Erin, and I'm just spitballing here, it's your idea, your brainchild. Thank you.

The last thing I would want would be to, you know, rain on your parade, so you let me know if I'm stepping out of bounds. I will. But maybe Barbie has a really long cigarette. Like one of the accessories could be like a really long cigarette, you know, an elegant cigarette,

not, you know, like a classy cigarette, you know, it makes smoking, you know, it elevates, it looks cool.

You know, it's something that, you know, grownups do. It's just a thought. It's just a thought. I love that. Right. So exactly. So I, Kevin from marketing and Aaron, I think that that's exactly what I'm hearing is that this Barbie is what grownups do.

This Barbie, everything about it is what grownups do. Um, what, like you're going to have a, a Vesper in her hand. Yeah. Well, that actually is what I was thinking got it um this feels like 40s casino barbie with cigarettes and uh that's really good 40 40s barbie 40 i think that has a good we here's the thing guys we've done this we've moved on we're we're learning from our mistakes we're learning to be um more inclusive and we're learning to be more, you know, it's like, women can be doctors too. Everyone's like, well, we knew that, Billy. We knew that. No, no, no. I just meant, it's like, we know that now.

We know that now that they can do that. Well, here's a question I ever thought. Here's a question I ever thought, right? Before Barbie did it, no one knew that women could be doctors. Before Barbie did it, before Barbie did it, no one knew that women could be doctors. Before Barbie did it, before Aaron did it,

if I may be so bold, people didn't know that women could be astronauts. Yeah. Let me ask you a question here, to the room. Let me put this to the room. Have you ever seen a woman?

No. 1940s. Hey, come on. Come on. That's incel, Greg. Shut the fuck up, incel, Greg. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to swear.

I didn't mean to swear. You know, it's 1940s woman. And she's walking into a casino. Violin case in arm. Opens up. It's a Tommymmy gun not not a violin at all she starts unloading you know and i'm just saying have you ever have you ever seen a woman do that i have not seen i guess i've not seen a woman do that um i have no interest in

seeing barbie do that again i i no interest in seeing Barbie do that. Again, I'm just, I'm putting my foot down right now. We are not doing Tommy Gunn Barbie. We're not doing Drinking Barbie. We're not doing Casino Barbie. This just feels like really cheap outlandish stuff that we're not doing. So I love Zookeeper.

Let's just go full throttle on Zookeeper Barbie. I think it's fantastic. I'm pretty sure we've done that before, but it doesn't matter. I'm happy to do it again. I'd rather do that twice than do anything that you guys just said once okay you're clearly getting worked up you're the boss we'll do zookeeper barbie great um i hate to do this in this way i am gonna hand in my two weeks. Erin, no.

Because I feel really... Erin. No, fuck. No, Erin. No, I've been really disreducted. And you know what? I think my talents would be better served elsewhere. And I did get an offer from Bratz this week.

So I think I'm going to head over there. Cut to the Bratz marketing unit. Okay, guys. We're really, really pumped. New addition to the team. We snatched her over from Mattel. Her name's Erin. You might remember her from such hits as Astronaut Barbie.

Astronaut Barbie. Everyone's so unimpressed. All right, all right. But, you know, it's time to welcome her to the Bratz family. So we're just gonna start off like we do every week just an open brainstorming sesh anybody got any ideas for what our brats dolls could be doing in this year brats all right speak on that what would that look like shit what would that look like i like the fucking thought though shit it's the girls doing k they're in a

k-hole okay sort of glassy eye just kind of absolutely no one home look on a brat stall i love it i love it uh i was thinking maybe uh casino casino brats huh casino brats what is this second grade little vanilla erin but i like it you're thinking outside the box you know maybe that's what we do maybe that's a new idea we do we do bar oh shit we do brats I mean we do brat come on guys you fucking know we do brats office explodes oh shit come on no no no no no no no he said the sleeper word guys guys guys seriously seriously put the fucking pens down they're coming at me with pads guys guys the horde

oh shit it's them there's a button on my desk I press it and it'll fucking earth explode everyone's dead fucking I don't even know maybe the sun explodes and everybody dies because I brats because i said one

fucking thing wrong in the goddamn rat stall sketch i'm tired man i'll tell you what i am i'm tired oh my god that's how we should end every scene the fucking sun explodes I don't know. Maybe there's a nuclear bomb or... Oh, my God. Should we do our last segment? Yeah. Please. Free me from this. This should be all we know.

Free me from this. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Elf, what's been shaking your ass? Jesus Christ. Oh my God. What's been shaking your ass? Well, in the spirit of what you did to me last week, where you kind of put me on blast for not watching the menu with you. Um,

I just wanted to say, you know, just so everyone full transparency, I'm so happy for the head gum happy hour that happened. I hear it went really well. Um, but something that did happen to me yesterday is that i called you um oh my god no i called you what was it like maybe four o'clock in

the afternoon 4 30 you know i figured you were probably getting ready you know we talk about once or twice a day yeah and i was just checking in and and really i was just calling to say break a leg hey i hope the show goes really well. Send my best to Jeff. I hope it's an awesome show. Go team HeadGum. You know what I mean? Wish I could be there.

I call Riley. She picks up right away. Right away, she picks up the phone. The first ring, she picks it up. You're welcome. And this is a fucking word for word-word impression of what I get. What do you want? I go, oh, sorry to bother you, miss.

I was just calling to wish you a little bit of a breaky legsies. But no, I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I tried to wish you fucking break legs. So I just wanted to know that that's that's the real riley okay okay okay okay no no no no i have a rebuttal i have a rebuttal i have a rebuttal that is how i would say eight times out of ten that is how both of us answer calls from one another we just go what what that so it is not out of the ordinary that

i would answer it in such a prickly manner. I just felt like it was really hurtful. What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? Yeah, that would go a long way. I'm sorry. Ew. But other than that, I guess we're-

Hey, anyways. Hey, you're welcome. What the hell is that? You want me to say you're welcome what the hell is that you're welcome from moana oh okay i never saw it what can i say except you're welcome um but yeah i guess what shook me other than you being the rudest person in my contacts list um i already talked about that parallel parking thing um oh i got an aero press i treated myself i bought an aero press which for all you coffee nerds out there uh is a fun little way of making coffee and uh love that you know i'm a big coffee guy was it was a barista uh in a past life and in this one um and i love coffee and it's been really fun and i would shout it out obviously still playing marvel snap um all my snap heads know what i'm

talking about just give a full life update for this last segment yeah i'm just like sort of killing time no what are you what shook you man huh what's shaking me i mean i kind of i i kind of jumped the carp a little bit with uh talking my curtain bangs I'm getting in two hours. I'm really excited, though. Other than that, yo, we had crazy rain in L.A. last week. Like, torrential. Living in L.A., growing up in L.A., I've never seen it rain like it did. And so Daniel and I were going to go see the film Babylon in theaters.

But we went to the parking lot of our building and it was a fucking river. Like it was, it was river Rapids. Like, and we were like, Oh, maybe it'll be fine. We,

we drive a block and like down the main roads, like all of the, it was like different streams and rivers coming from various streets, all converging into one rapid. It was crazy. We're like, maybe let's stay home. So we did stay home and we watched Elvis. And I guess what's shaking me is Tom Hanks in the Elvis Presley film by Baz Luhrmann.

It is deranged. Who is a good little boy? Oh, I'm not bad. That's the part. If you guys are Elvis heads out there, talk about Dice. There is a moment that Daniel and I cannot stop quoting. And it's a jump cut to like old Tom

Hanks as the colonel. And he's in a casino. And he just goes like, you know, he was like, that was the last time Elvis ever performed on stage. and then it cuts him going wanna bet and so that's been shaking me as tom cruise won tom cruise tom hanks wanna bet but i would also like to say just to give a little uh background someone dm'd me i've got a couple dms asking about king julian from last week's set oh And I can understand that. People are like, can you explain

King Julian? Can you explain the crush on that lemur? It's not the tail. It's not the way he looks at all. Again, guys, if I've said before, I've said it a million times, it is the charisma. It is the humor. He's a silly, goofy guy, and I love that shit. So it's nothing to do with the

ring tail. It's nothing to do with the fur of it all. It is just the charm. In a similar but different way that like cartoon Robin Hood is charismatic as fuck. He's not as silly goofy as King Julian, but like, see, Alf loves that Robin Hood too. Cartoon Robin Hood is hot as hell. Yeah, but there's a key difference between cartoon Robin Hood and King Julian which is that

Cartoon Robin Hood is wearing clothes Cartoon Robin Hood has been really made to look like a human man whereas King Julian is a lemur he's just a lemur that talks but he looks like a lemur he moves like a lemur

he sounds like a lemur he's not a lemur that talks, but he looks like a lemur. He moves like a lemur. He sounds like a lemur. He's not a guy. He sounds like Borat. Well, then that's about it. No, but, you know, I think it's interesting that what you're saying is that you're attracted to King Julian's personality. And you're saying it like it vindicates you. But my memory. I'm saying it used to be.

I don't feel that way anymore. I'm still attracted to Cartoon Island. Desert Island. Desert Island. Yeah. It's you. Yeah. It's King Julian.

Okay. What's going to happen? Nothing now. Daniel died in the fire. What's going to happen? Awful. Nothing. The boat fire.

I don't know. The boat fire. Nothing's going to happen. You and King Julian aren't going to smash? If Robin Hood was there, different story. No, Robin Hood's there, different story. No, Robin Hood's there, different story. Oh, but Robin Hood,

you will. Absolutely. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of this cursed program. You can follow Alf

on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can follow the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. And we have a Discord.

ReviewReview, head come come discord and you can follow uh riley and spa at chocker at riley and spa on instagram and uh at riley coyote on twitter.com um and should we just close it out with with the phrase we do every week uh of course every week we end the show the same way, and that's with a big Buh-Hell-Well. That's right! Buh-Hell-Well! Buh-Hell-Well!

Bye! Buh-Hell-Well! And you start the pod, and I'm probably just for me, and trust me, I'm having a ball. I'll read a review. Stop, enter a scene. And then I start to laugh. And Riley's talking like, Jeff, you know you are an ass.

You're an ass, but your friendship makes me laugh. Come on now, shake my wig. I'm still listening. Don't mind me. You say, Riley, let's not read too many ads. Pull up the Yelp and read that review to me. Come on now, look and read. Come, come on now, look and read.

That was a HitGum Original.