Review Revue - Dunkin' Donuts in the Boston Area (w/ Elizabeth Valenti!)

Episode Date: January 5, 2021

Actor/Roommate of the pod Elizabeth Valenti joins Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about Dunkin' Donuts in the Boston Metropolitan Area and to discuss shrimp-themed galas, cheating Top Chef contestants, and fitness!Click here to check out Elizabeth's YouTube channel!Follow Elizabeth, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: @elizabeth_valenti, @reillyanspaugh, & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @elizabeth_v, @reilecoyote, & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. I just wanna know how you feel For the one love that's so proud and real

You make me wanna go out and steal I just wanna rip you We got her We got her Oh man I mean I'm not getting Not a fail We got

I get her every day But now we got her You know what I'm saying I've been busy I've been busy You're always busy You're the busiest person I know. Here she is.

I'm so happy. One of the most requested guests, Elizabeth, what's your middle name? Don't understand why. Marie Jude? Rose Maria. Rose Maria Jude. So original. Valente. E, you're in another room.

I am. But, you know, so close yet so, so far. So far. What were you saying, Jeff? Oh, I was just thinking. I wish we were with each other now. Friend of the pod, friend of Riley's first, then mine. Roommate of Riley's recently, not of mine.

Recently. But I am trying to, yeah, steal you. We'll make it happen. Yeah. I have a guest bedroom. No. What's that? She lives here.

I have a guest bedroom. You do? I do, yes. It's tiny. We live together. I have a guest bedroom. You do? I do, yes. It's tiny. We live together. I'm saying that there's a vacancy. Can you send me pictures? I'm worried that if I send you pictures,

you'll realize that the room isn't as good as the room you have now. No, I don't like what's happening. But what, you know, I just want to see the space. No. Just engage interest. I can show you the space. Actually, I don't have my left. Elizabeth, tell the listeners what the fuck is up

with you easier your your shoulders are near your ears you're smiling literally ear to ear i'm wondering if you're about to have an aneurysm but yes i am i'm just my girl my sweet girl is here sweet sweet friends um what is my number one boy i mean we're in a pandemic so we're in a pandemic much not freaking much um you know i just got like a couple hours of sleep a night and then just grinding it out you know you sent me a couple videos at 3 30 a.m my local time midnight so i responded this morning at like 11 when i woke up because um even though i wasn't on my phone i was tossing and turning until like yeah about around 3, 4 a.m. I like to marinate in my bed in the morning.

I like to serenade in my bed. I need you to never say marinate in my bed. I love a good marinating after like- No, you're not basting in yourself. In the morning or like after a good dinner, like a good dinner out, like marinating in the booth for a minute. Just don't say any other word is fine. But it sounds like you're like sitting in your own sweat. Fermenting in it.

Yeah. No, just letting it. Yeah. Let it go in deep into the clothes. Texted me at like 11, 1130 this morning, my time, which is what? 8, 830. And I my time, which is what, 8, 8.30? And I was like, how's it going? And you're like, I have 31 emails to catch up on.

I'm like, 31? It's eight. Yeah, that's how it is. He works in casting and let's just say, the job's never finished, huh? It's also like the biggest casting office, one of the biggest casting offices in the world. Oh, Pasha.

It's truly, it's truly nothing. What'd you say? It's nothing. Please, come on with that. What's Pasha? Like a Pasha. Pasha. Like a flick of the wrist.

I keep forgetting that you guys can't see me. Audio medium, yeah. Audio medium. Ian, I've been watching Gothic Girl because E has never seen it and I, like, that was my whole middle and high school experience

and I've seen every episode multiple times but it's been amazing to go back and watch it with E and the other night, Chuck Bass, one of the main characters, made an aside.

He was walking through a room and he turns to someone and he goes, you there. It was all we've been doing this week. Yeah, it's all we've been doing. And it was so direct. And it was to an absolute stranger.

Imagine someone just comes up to you in the middle of a ballroom and goes, you there. Oh, me? What's up? Is everything okay? Hey, yes. Yeah, no, you there. Tell me. What time is it?

Like, that was a question. Like, it was something yeah you just check don't ask a stranger whenever we see each other in another room we just go you there and that's kind of been up with us yeah yeah what's been up in uh ohio in uh bumblefuck uh it's yeah shug sorry chagrin falls ohio there we go go. C-H-A-G-R-I-N. S-U-G-A-R space I-N. I don't think so. Sugarin.

I don't think so. I don't fucking think so, guys. Sorry, E, I'm really sorry you have to see this, but like, what the fuck? 10 to 40 p.m. local time, Friday night. No, you stay. I'm not gonna have this. You watch this.

I'm not gonna. I'm recording on my phone. Yeah, good, good. It becomes like the Christian Bale video or the audio of him on set screaming at a PA. I'm sitting here trying to do my work. You come in here with this sugar and falls nonsense and I'm not gonna have it.

What did you do today, Jeffrey? Yay. Don't, again, that register. Don't let your voice hit that spot. What happened today? Oh, Jeffrey. Did you have fun? don't again that register don't let your voice hit that spot um i uh yeah i worked out i did the head i recorded the head gun podcast we you and i did a live stream for our patreon patreon.com slash riley wait this is but but when we're talking right now when this will be released it'll be 2021 it'll be jan January 5th. Yeah. Elizabeth, I don't know if... Is that New Year's Eve? Is that your song for 2021?

It's kind of just the song of the times, I feel. I don't think so. Because I used to hear that. I don't think so. If I were to pick one song of the times, I think it'd be that. No? Today, it is Friday, December 11th. And this will be

going on January 5th. I don't know, did you know that or is this news to you? No, Riley did tell me that. So I hope everyone had a Merry Chrysler

and a Happy New Year. Happy Honda Days, Merry Chrysler. Toyota sales event, Mazda clearance, wrap. Yeah, I hope everyone

got their cars. Yeah, guys, I really just hope everyone had an amazing honda sales event like that's what i really wish everyone for the end of 2020 zero down you're like adjusting your britches not even pants britches trousers zero down yeah zero percent down the way people finance um yeah what do you guys think is going to happen between now and then? I hope more people get the vaccine.

I hope I start the Queen's Gambit by this. I hope by the time this comes out, I will have seen the entirety of the Queen's Gambit. Riley, you have a habit of getting to shows really late. You just finished Euphoria. I'm wondering. So good. So good. Queen's Gambit is out.

It's in the ether. Write the futures. Today's the first day of the rest of your good so good queen's gambit is out it's in the ether write the futures this today's the first day of the rest of your life start queen's gambit don't watch prom right now watch queen's gambit how about that but why not both our friend joellen pelman is the star of netflix that came out today so yeah we're gonna be watching it but then also maybe we could also watch we'll see it's friday night where else are we but also maybe we could watch something else what'd you say garson i said oh i mean it's nothing i i don't don't no one oh me no one ever looks at me nothing i say is important oh that's sad man i always feel bad because I fall asleep a lot later than Riley and Daniel. And so do I.

So I just don't know how much they can withstand. Speaking of not really like getting in bed at, let's say, 1.30 a.m. and like trying to fall asleep, but really tossing and turning until 4. Elizabeth Valente is the only person in the world who I know that if I'm on Pacific Time and it's 4 a.m. and I text her, there's a pretty good chance she's also awake. Nine times out of 10, she will respond. Yeah. And that's the most comforting thing in the world.

Can you please explain to everyone how you view sleep? I just feel like it's so unnecessary. And the only reason I like, listen, I do it because I have to. My body literally is necessary the definition of necessary i need to do this it's necessary all right all right um but yeah you know it's it's it's i okay the thing is i have just like crazy dreams and so a lot of the time my dreams just take a lot of energy and effort out of me. So I don't even feel like I'm getting recharged. I'm sleeping to be recharged.

My body just does it because it has to do it. It's not like I want to do it. I also have a sleep talking app that records. You do. Yeah. Myself sleep talking. Did you say anything interesting last night? I did talk, but I don't remember what I said.

I usually listen to it like right when I wake up in the morning, like 6 a.m. So it's all blur. But I definitely did talk last night. Let's see. Let's hear it. I get the survey. I get the survey. Could you hear that?

Yes. Yeah. There was another one. Anyway, I got the survey. The survey. This was not last night, but this was the night before. That was also very funny. Oh, that's perfect.

Oh, great. I could share it. I could share it with friends. I'd share it. Share it with friends. Share it with family. You're writing dramedy features in your fucking dreams. A full R.E.M. cycle

is a Little Miss Sunshine-esque film. For family. It's crazy how clear I am speaking. Yeah, it's not not usually sleep talking is like but i didn't even and you're like listen jordan you get one thing straight i'm like reciting a monologue one of my favorites that we recite all the time is is just her going i I am ready. I am so ready. In her sleep.

Christ. Has that ever been an issue? And you don't have to answer this question if it's too personal, but has that ever been an issue with people that you've spent the night with? Well, you know, it's been a minute since that's happened. Well, it's been a minute for me too, so, you know. Yeah, I mean, it's been more than a minute for you. It's clearly not because of my visage.

I don't know. Speaking of sleep, or rather, not sleeping, today Elizabeth has brought us a very special topic that is near and dear to her heart in a way that's kind of unfucking fathomable. Oh, God. Today we're talking Dunkin' Donuts in the Boston area.

God, there's nothing better. E, tell us a bit about why you love Dunkin'. Elizabeth runs on Dunkin'. You beat me to it. I literally do. I literally do. Dunkin' Donuts coffee

is the best coffee in the world. I don't think so. All right. All right. You know, one man's trash. One man's trash. No, I love Dunkin'. Keep going.

Every day in college, I would have two medium mocha iced coffees with cream and sugar. At once or twice? You're visiting the store for twice? I would double fist them got it just get a large no no not enough two mediums um no i would get one in the morning and then one before rehearsal at around like six o'clock before duncan closed because when duncan closes sometimes they'll also give away donuts for free that's so a tip for anyone near duncan and we should mention you guys went to school at boston university what is your go-to duncan order we so there was a dunk there

were i mean listen in boston everyone everyone knows duncan there were there was a duncan on our campus that would be that's very very close to the fine arts building because we went to theater school. Oh, so good. So what's your go-to order? Right now, small mocha iced coffee. Just with cream. No sugar. Oh. We're cutting back. Adulting.

Yeah, that's called adulting right there. And an egg and cheese on a croissant. Oh, my God. That's amazing. What are yours? What are yours? I'm curious. I would probably do either a vanilla or hazelnut iced coffee with skim.

And if it's like the creamy vanilla, I wouldn't need sugar. Because the flavors they put in it are already pretty sweet. Listen, I love a Dunkin'. And here's the thing. If I didn't go to BU, I don't think I would love Dunkin'. But because it was like on my way to class. And it's part of the culture It's part of the culture. When Daniel and I were on our road trip I was just

craving Dunkin coffee and I like I think we were somewhere in like fucking Nebraska or something and I looked up Dunkin and there was one and I waited in that fucking line. I was so excited and what I love about Dunkin is that wherever you go to a duncan

it tastes the exact same the exact same it's beautiful they got it down and let me tell you something starbucks they don't even cut it close he is pointing so hard at us right now like why do i feel like it's just at me it is a little bit what's your gripe with Starbucks? Oh, yeah. Just Starbucks. Like every time I go there, it could be a hit or a miss. Like it's always different every time I go. But Dunkin' is 100% consistent all the time.

Don't you find that a little scary though? Yes, of course. Okay, cool. Got it. Wildly different answers. I don't have a Dunkin' order. i sorry you don't need to use that tone you're right that the tone was accusatory i guess it was because you guys were like what's your dunkin order like i have to have one listen that's why you were silent when i asked growing up in ohio

sugar sugar in falls ohio sugar in falls ohio We would always go to Raised and Glazed Bakery, right? That's not Dunkin', but go on. Yeah, whatever. There wasn't a Dunkin' until there was a Dunkin', but I was already a Raised and Glazed fiend. And then I went to college in LA, and LA's not a Dunkin' town. There's three. There's three.

And whenever there's like, oh, there's three of those, it's always South Bay, Sherman Oaks, and like deep Alhambra. And I'm like, I'm not going to any of those places. Although you used to live in Sherman Oaks. That would be my only reason to go to Sherman Oaks. There is one on Wilshire. It's really good. Then we should all go get Dunkin' when it's safe.

But LA is a donut town. 100% it's a donut town. You know, California donuts, Randy's donuts, Winchell's, whatever. You know um california donuts uh randy's donuts winchell's whatever um you know that pink box is what la is all about i mean i don't know about y'all i don't go to duncan for the donuts i i get coffee that's my question are there donuts any good and is it a coffee shop basically to you it's a coffee shop to me interesting i think it's i think it's everything and more it's whatever you want it to be it can be restored it can be it can be a coffee shop listen i've bought an i bought an i bought apparel from duncan i have tumblers upon tumblers from duncan it's a william sonoma it's

a target clothing session you want the furniture you take it pick up a chair leave with it your desk chair is a duncan chair um yeah so we didn't we know i've never gone i've been to duncan donuts but i've it's never been a consistent thing but we did have a place at usc shout out anybody anybody who goes to usc or went to usc listening to this will like completely back me up uh there is a donut shop called um oh my god wait wow no keep this in bitch you have to keep the whole thing in no oh my god you have to keep it in this is unbelievable he said anyone at us you can back me up and it is called spud nuts christ um it was called spud nuts. And I knew that.

He's going to cut everything out before this. Spud nuts was what it was called. And I never got donuts there. That's not true. I got donuts there. So it was a coffee shop. What's that? It was a coffee shop.

You said that part of your Dunkin' order is a croissant bacon egg cheese sandwich. I don't like bacon. Just egg and cheese. I added the bacon because I would have bacon to my sandwich, right? And that's my late night, but that would be late night drunk food. That was actually a really good me.

Do me, do me. Yeah, do Jeff. Oh, I'm your Jeffrey and I go into Spud Nuts and I say, oh, one big boy oink and bacon, please. On bread. There's tons of eligible bachelorettes in there, and they're all like, Jesus Christ. One of them slips through her number. Hey, ladies.

You're in a sailor's outfit with an oversized lollipop. Blush on. Anybody have somewhere I can stay while I'm away from the boat? I'm on leave. My liege. Anyways. I wasn't a Duncan guy, but I do appreciate your guys's like the whole boston of it all like the the fact that it is such a boston staple and that in boston they're called

just duncan but everywhere else it's duncan donuts no i think it's just duncan now like they changed their brand it was duncan donuts and now it's just duncan yeah all right well either way it's a clue and they changed the outdoor um they they changed um the colors the coloring the outdoor colors you mean their logo like their brand coloring yeah elizabeth can you say can you say we're gonna take a break and thank some sponsors marty yeah we're gonna take a break and thank some sponsors marty oh but like be joyful about it. Like don't say it. Like I'm forcing you.

Thanks some sponsors, Marty. No, but it's like, it really, it still even feels like I have like your arm behind your back, bending it into submission. And you're like,

ah, fine. I'll say it. Whatever. We're going to take a break and thank some sponsors, Marty. There you go. Marty.

No one's ever, by the way, no one's ever said his name that joyfully. He will be so excited. So who wants to start? I'll start. I'll start. Why don't you start?

Here's the deal. I had two. I'm really torn between the two. But this one was at the airport in Boston. So I feel like that's even more memorable. Duncan from Logan. Yeah. So this is from Catherine W.

I know exactly what Duncan it is. I've been there so many times. Me too. Agreed. Yeah, I don't know. I've only been to Boston once. it was for a um writer's boot camp drop and give me 20 prompts 20 prompts or 20 essays of 20 prompts that i have to make up 20 prompts and and the essays 20 minutes one minute per prompt 20 minutes

20 prompts 20 essays what are the prompts that go you have to do it yes hey this is boston no fucking around how many stars and what is this person's first and last initial sorry first name last initial it Sorry, first name, last initial. It's one star. Love it. Catherine W. Yeah. What is it? Go for it.

Wetzel. I was actually going to say Wetzel. No way you're going to say Wetzel. No fucking way. The odds are so slim. Catherine Wetzel. Okay. Instead of a hi, can I help you?

We got a sigh and a what do you want because our presence was interrupting some drama fest the teenagers with lip piercings were having i disregarded this spelled wrong since it's the only place open at 1am when our food was handed to us with a here and no manners whatsoever our bagel sandwich is literally too hard to eat and the egg was a gross microwave patty. We had no choice but to throw them away and go hungry. But after seeing two mice scurry around the restaurant, we were relieved we weren't able to eat them. What a disgusting place

with some of the rudest girls working. We'll not be back. And this was in the airport? Yes. Listen, Tiffany. I told you that I was going to ask Morris to the ball.

Yeah, and? And then you asked him. Don't play coy. I know. I know it all, Tiffany. He had no interest in you. No interest. That's very nice.

That's really charming coming from a woman of your advanced years he's a junior he should go to prom with a junior we'll take this outside after our shifts oh excuse me um i've been standing here for 15 minutes and you don't have a bell for me to ring so i've kind of just been lightly slapping my hand on the table but i guess you haven't heard it i'd like to place an order please i'm starving oh my god what do you want we'll do it fast what do you what do you want i would just love a small hot coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese the order is for Neve.

Neve. How do you spell that? N-I-A-M-H. Just fucking make the order. Just make the order. I'm making it, but it's not because you told me to make it. It's because I'm going to do it. I already made the last one. Horse coffee that's clearly lukewarm.

Gives it to him. Takes a bagel. Fell on the ground. Fine. She doesn't know that. No, no. Just pick it up. Gives it to you.

Cream cheese in a bag. Oh. Here you go. Would you mind? I'm so oh um would you i'm so would you uh no sorry no it's neve actually um you got your food you didn't even have to pay for it we didn't even ask any money from you coffee is so room temperature all i was going to ask if you would please put it in the microwave at least. Let me ask you something. If I call dibs with Tiffany here on Morris.

No, no, no. She's not even giving the full story. I didn't even get a chance. If I call dibs on the seventh hottest junior in our high. Sixth. I think seventh, which is why you shouldn't be upset at all morris is his name and guess what happened his last name his name is morris chestnut neve don't interrupt neve hey give me that cream cheese this is our story you know what you don't even deserve the coffee

and we'll take the bagel too i'll stay and listen I'm actually a relationship counselor. This is what I do. You're a relationship counselor? Yes. I'm heading to New York right now for a big relationship smoochy kiss conference as we speak. All right. Then who do you think is in the right? Because Tiffany here asked Morris out after I called dibs. And Tiffany's a senior

yes but i am clearly more interested in him than you are i couldn't give two shits about no tell me more about the smooching kissing time well listen the conference is the smoochy kissy conference because that's what we all want to do in relationships at the core of it we all just want a smoochy little kiss and in my years of experience the answer is so clear ladies I can't tell you how blind you both are to what's

right in front of us all are you 90 or 26 I am so sorry I asked so rudely but it just came out. Listen, I'm 47. That's worse than being on the sides. Yeah, I'd rather it be a bookend.

Now listen, do you want the answer to this problem of Morris? All I want is to be validated, Tiffany and Neve. All I want is love, honestly. Isn't that what we're both looking for? No, I want a date to the prom. Morris and I are close enough. I'm not interested in him. I don't care if he's interested in me.

Is he interested in you? I can tell you for a fact he's not. Ladies, please. I gingerly open the swinging door to just come behind the counter with you guys. You want to know the secret to a good relationship, whether it's friends or smoochy, kissy little lovers? Yes.

It's compromise. It's balance. So what are we going to do about Morris? Well, we're going to cut him in half and give a half to each of you. That's a metaphor. I think I get it. Oh, I wish.

But no, in this line of work, this is the only fair thing. We are going to slice him in half and you have one half and, well, you have the other. That way you get your prom date and you get some loving... Prom, not prawn.

I said, did I not say prom? You said prawn with an N. Is it not the shrimp gala? Cut to the- Cut to the prawn. A bunch of shrimps ball dancing and twirling each other. How the hell was Neve correct about this? She said prawn.

I can't believe that you guessed the right theme. Yeah. The theme isn't announced until the night of. Two halves of one man start flopping into the room. And how did this work out? I don't want to see your ribs, man. I'm so happy with her, right, Morris? Yeah, Tiffany got the half with his heart,

so she's really happy. Wow. I've never loved anyone like you, Tiffany got the half with his heart, so she's really happy. Wow. I've never loved anyone like you, Tiffany. My half is like really just not doing very well. Oh, God. Yeah, you're in a lot of pain. Oh, Jesus. Kill me.

Pick him up, pick him up, pick him up. I can't dance with him when he's like this. Please just kill me. Cut to Tiffany. like this you guys please just kill me cut to tiffany tiffany this is the greatest night of my life i've never loved someone so so much tiffany will you marry me cut back oh do you need something to eat you keep saying you're hungry but also never want to eat again. Do you need something? Do you need water? I'm sleepy, but also so awake. Cut back to Tiffany. What?

Here? Now? Tiffany, I want you to have my babies. Oh, my God. I just... With half your penis, too. I just... And I got the good side.

We see it's the really good half. It's the good half. It's the good half of penis too. I just, and I got, I got the good side. We see it's the really good half. It's the good half. It's the good half of the penis. Oh my, yes, yes. And now, to announce our

Prawn Prom King and Queen, half of Morris, Chestnut, and Tiffany Company. Oh my God. Oh my God. We did it,

Tiff. Drag me on up there! And now to announce the bottom feeders of prom. The other half of Morris Chestnut and Beth. Boo! You suck! You suck!

I let the fireman carry him through the entire event and he's bleeding on my purple lavender dress. A trail of blood is going all the way up to the stage. And with each stare, it's like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Gotta be shitting me with this. They give you guys trophies and like a crown. A crown?

Yeah, for prompts king and queen. Wow, I'm gonna frame this. They give us a necklace made of shrimp this is absolutely two weeks old shrimp yeah everybody's chanting bronze bronze bronze cut to beth on a date 20 years later or 10 years later how was high school um sorry um can we talk about something else? Oh, sure. I mean, I thought it was an easy question

because high school is like 10 years ago, but... No, no. Sure, yeah. Did something happen or... I got booed by... Like something life-changing? Yeah, I got booed by a shrimp. Like that was the mascot?

The door to this restaurant opens and like a mom shrimp and a little baby shrimp walk in. They notice Beth. Just don't look over there. This is. Why are they? Why are they pointing at you? I just can we go somewhere else?

They scuttle over closer. They wrap themselves around her neck. You're going to want to get out of here yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna leave now this happens way more than you think it does it happens every week when you go on a tinder date they know and also the average lifespan of a prawn is like six months so i don't know what the fuck is happening i can't let the news to other prawns to their prawn children apparently anyway duncan how do we get we got from duncan to the prawn prom oh my fucking god um i have another review. This is from Hisham K.

Elizabeth, what does the K stand for? Kardashian. Hisham Kardashian from the Dunkin' Donuts in the Boston Theater District. Oh, okay. There might be multiple, but this one's from one of them. Nope, there's just the one. Don't know that. One star.

Curse you, Dee Dee.d no i saw this usually i like you usually i enjoy your grilled cheese flatbread or your cream cheese bagels but the other night you over toasted your bagel for shame when i bit into it a while later it wasn't as hot anymore and it was like biting into cement breaking one of my permanent retainers that damn bagel cost me 150 dollars have you ever had a 150 bagel would you like to know what it tasted like? It tasted like a $2 bagel. And the thing is, I would say never again, but I can't because you're right there during my 10-minute break from class.

I hate you. And you owe me $150. This was the other one I saw. All right. We are in the final round of Top Chef. I can't even believe it. Massimo Bertiglione and Gregorio Sanz. Do I have to say here?

That doesn't feel normal. We are so happy to have you two in the final round of Top Chef Matterhorn. That's right. We are on the top of the Matterhorn this year with the best. We are at the top with the best. Top chefs in the land. All right. Do you want to know what your last challenge is?

Whoever wins this is Top Chef Matterhorn. Give it to us, chef. Give it to us, chef. Right. You guys are, it seems like you guys are reared up and ready to go. I the best so there's nothing i can't make yeah let's fucking get it okay we got a little trash talk in the kitchen all right hey i'll see oh hey we got to take out the trash when we're done making this meal okay for your last meal the judges would like you to make let's say it all at the same time i think we all know what it's gonna be we all know what it's gonna be oh wow okay two one foie gras bagel the foie gras bagel that's exactly right now for this challenge hang

on i don't want to say that i'm cheating i'm not cheating but i will say this one of the office pas kind of tipped me off that it was going to be foie gras and then yeah sorry just give me a second you you just said bagel and then you added bagel to it so now we have to put foie gras on a bagel just because massimo said it it was just supposed to be foie gras and i'll admit that i cheated but why does it have to be a bagel this is totally unfair totally unfair you you heard about it well i mean sure massimo it is unfair given that gregory cheated but given that we do have a show to make and you two are the only people still in the competition in this covid bubble that we have you two are still in the competition so we're just gonna have to bend the rules a little bit

it's fair as shit it's fair as shit because i i was prepared for foie gras now it's a foie gras bagel i have to figure out what that is if anything i'm at a handicap all right we are now going to be making a foie gras bagel so the budget for this challenge we have a kind of fake I mean again we're in a pandemic we're not gonna be sending you guys

to Whole Foods right now of course so we have a pantry in the back and your imaginary budget is $450 so you have

two hours sorry this is like supermarket sweep you're supposed to have the ingredients ready to go for sure have you ever seen this show

you've been on it for seven weeks. I just, I get tipped off every week, and I cheat. Who's tipping you off? Which one of our PAs is tipping you off? I want to out him. He doesn't make that much money. Tell us.

Tell us. I mean, I won't give you his name, because that'll give it away, but I'll tell you it rhymes with Bornelius. Hey, Randy. Randy Cornelius, get over here. Yes, sir. Hey, Randy. Randy Cornelius, get over here. Yes, sir. Yes, chef. Randy Cornelius, have you been tipping off Gregorio to all of our challenges?

No. You're fired. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it this whole time. Okay, Massimo, calm down. He's a better chef than you'll ever be, Massimo. He's a better chef than you'll ever be. Randy Cornelius, get out of here.

Get out of here. Stop. Don't hiss at me. What is that? What is that? No, Massimo, He's a better chef than you'll ever be. Randy Cornelius, get out of here. Stop hissing. What is that? What is that? No, Massimo, don't join in. He got me going. Two hours later. Okay. Okay. We're good now, right? Everyone's fine? Good to start. Stop hissing.

We've all calmed down over the course of two hours. Yes. It is now time. You have two hours to make the foie gras bagel for our judges. Whoever wins this will be crowned top chef Matterhorn. On your marks, get set, chop. I push Massimo over.

No, my ankle. Straight to the fridge. My ankle. Grab all the foie gras fixings, all the bagels. Oh my God. I take a lighter. I light all the bagels ablaze. They're all burnt to a crisp.

I take the foie gras, eat all of it except for one serving. Take one perfect bagel, toast it perfectly, add the foie gras on top, put it on a plate. It's perfectly prepared. Massimo's still like writhing in pain.

Ankle belt at a right angle. Bent at a right angle. Cut to two hours later and your time is up. Knives down. Knives down. Utensils down. Utensils down.

Been down for an hour and a half. Been down for an hour and a half. I've been on the ground this whole time. Now we'll see who the true chef is. Our judges are now going to come around to each table and they are going to taste your foie gras creations. All right. Lily Tomlin is our guest judge this week okay let's see what we have

here all right lily gregorio can you tell us a little bit about what you've presented yes thank you for asking chef um i put foie gras on a toasted bagel all right lily well that's tom calicchio would you like to taste Gregorio's foie gras on a toasted bagel of course alright give it a taste well now this is really good

I gotta tell Grace about this watch Grace and Frankie on Netflix we'll have a little chyron at the bottom of Grace and Frankie that's the only reason I agreed to do this. I know, I know. Okay, so put it there. I won't get it for you.

And Tom, Mr. Colicchio. Yeah, it's just... By the way, what is it you do, Tom? I've never heard your name before. You've never watched Top Chef. This is one of the main judges, Tom Colicchio. Okay, well, that's good to know then. Tom?

Yeah, yeah, this is good to know. This is good to know then. Tom? Yeah, yeah, this is good to know. This is good to know. I taste hints of salt. Salt, yeah. And garlic within the bagel. And it's just, it's nothing like I've ever tasted before on the show. Wow, wow. Beautiful.

10 out of 10. Wow. We don't normally score on this show, so that's really like. Who wins? How do they win but you know what we're gonna start scoring now so okay 10 out of 10 from lily tomlin we'll get to you we'll get to you in a second masimo tom out of 10 how are we rating gregorio's foie gras on a bagel 10 11 wow a perfect score wow unheard of i, this is just once in a lifetime.

A more than perfect score for Gregorio. All right, Lily and Tom, we're going to bring you over. This is Chef Mossimo. Mossimo, can you tell us about what you presented for us today? It's one of the burnt bagels from when Gregorio lit it on fire with just a bunch of loose spam on it. So I've been in a lot of pain um the pa that usually takes care of emergencies was recently fired um wait really randy was the one who kind of ran medical shit it was okay so anyway i've been in intense pain uh the last two hours no one's come to help i guess that's not something they do on

the show um i must say anyway this looks very bad uh you know i think at the end of the day what cooking comes down to is heart and i have heart massimo could you look straight into the camera and say that that's a great that's a great clip we're gonna use for socials yeah i have heart sorry Massimo could you look straight into the camera and say that that's a great that's a great clip we're gonna use for socials yeah I have heart and

wow beautiful I think no matter what happens no matter who wins I really believe in me the whole crew is weeping

you know what I don't need to taste it a first i don't need mossimo oh my god you're in my eyes lily tomlin star of grace and frank and the nominee no i know who you are just plugging myself because the only reason i came it's unbelievable first of all mossimo that you know the guest star but you don't know our recurring judge who's been on every episode of the show that you're on. And I'm not going to say that that's not influencing my decision, but you are the Matterhorn's next top chef, I think.

Wow! Wait, wait, wait, hold on, Masimo. What the fuck are you talking about? Slow your roll, Masimo. Tom, any feedback from you? That's how I started this business. I know. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, Mazzy. What the fuck are you talking about? Slow your roll, Mazzy. The shit is that? Tom, any feedback from you? That's how I started this business. Just a broken ankle.

I don't think so. A burnt bagel. Yeah. I'm still over here, by the way. Gregorio. I know your life story. That's not how you, yeah. Two bucks and me.

Two bags? This kid's got it. This kid's got it. Wow. You fucking kidding me? So do you guys even need time to confer before announcing a winner? Absolutely not. Two bags? This kid's got it. This kid's got it. Wow. You fucking kidding me? So do you guys even need time to confer before announcing a winner? Absolutely not.

None whatsoever. I guess it's very, I mean, the winner of Top Chef Matterhorn is Chef Massimo. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I did it. Massimo, as your prize, you will win $100,000 and be the featured chef at the next food and wine festival

here on the top of the Matterhorn. That's right. And since Gregorio came in second, sorry, I'm the TV announcer that's on Top Chef every episode, Gregorio is going to be deported from his home country. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I have kids. They're in public school in Vancouver. Where am I supposed to go?

Go across the border to Seattle for all we care. Spat in my eye. And stay out. This is all under the credits. Credits are continuing to roll. Sponsored by San Pellegrino. The end credits also show you guys

Wheeling off Massimo to the hospital Somebody comes up and Pants his Gregorio Your dick is small This should be all Week long It's really nice that you did it with us nobody ever does no one ever does it with us well nobody ever knows oh but you know i know i listen to every episode so can i have two things yeah

one that's like kind of an ego boost to jeff and then another which is like for all of humanity yeah and when what about the ego booster i don't know i guess your your eyes are looking kind of more even than usual today no jeff got a new watch i did i've never liked watches or i've never wanted a watch but he sent a picture he sent a picture to us and it's just so beautiful and i was like you look so powerful and i would believe anything someone said to me if someone was wearing that watch really now i'm kind i'm huh riley shit i won an emmy i take it all back no you didn't didn't work elizabeth i took it back and now you want to watch yeah now i want to watch kind of and i promised you that i would help you get the first watch.

Like, figure it out, you know, what your taste is. I love helping people figure out what they like. Easy. Easy with that. I've tried to help you find a watch, but you don't seem interested at all, which is fine. I love earrings. Me too. I don't like things on my wrists.

Like, I don't wear bracelets. Yeah, no, and that's totally valid. I like dainty necklaces, but give me a statement earring i love i love earrings but go on yeah yeah i'm i'm interested in the watches now i'm interested all because yeah whatever um but then also just for all the rest of the world humanity yes trader joe's dark chocolate stars are the actual best thing that ever happened to anyone. They are, if someone was like, you could live off of one thing

and one thing alone, I'd honestly pick that. I've never had the stars, but Trader Joe's is like chocolate candy. It's just unbelievably tasty. And I've never said tasty and I don't know why I just did.

The dark chocolate stars, it's little shortbread cookies covered in dark chocolate and they're incredible. They're, Jeff, they're the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. Context.

Do you have it with coffee or just on their own? Got it. Just fucking shovel them. Can you also shed some light, though, on how you eat? Yes, Elizabeth, give us some insight into your diet. Elizabeth is one of the most physically fit people I know in my life. Riley could literally name everything I eat in a day. Yeah, Riley, here we go. riley here we go it's okay

here we go and correct me if i'm wrong so yes all of this is saying like this works out like it's her fucking job and it's amazing i am so inspired every time i work out i'm like e what do you do because i want to do what you do to have what you have that's very sweet what you have she has a piece of toast with some scrambled eggies, sometimes orange juice, but always coffee in the morning. Good so far. Good so far.

Normal so far. Yeah, like a personal trainer's diet so far. To be honest, I don't know what you have for lunch. I typically don't eat lunch. Right, there it is. The first unhealthy thing. I like snacks throughout the day. She'll There it is. I like snacks. The first unhealthy thing. I like snacks throughout the day. She'll have little mini bites, like the little mini brownie bites.

She'll have a yogurt. She loves yogurt. So we have yogurt in the fridge, little yogurt cups. But for dinner, well, for dinner, she will put on a pot, boil some water. Pasta, baby. Usually it's just pasta. So it'll be noodles with butter and salt. Sometimes if she's feeling healthy,

she'll get out some frozen steamed broccoli, put that on there, a little bit of red sauce. And then if she's feeling crazy, she'll take some frozen chicken fries and tater tots. She'll put those in the oven that's kind of like her rotation and if she doesn't do that she'll order in and it'll be like a burger

and one night which was fucking insane she's like I got Postmates and we're like oh cool what did you get she goes salmon I Postmate salmon all the time but given Elizabeth's diet of like eggs and pasta, I'm like, what size did you get?

She goes, mashed potatoes and rice. What? Sides that like, there's like, when you try to put a good meal together, there's one slot for like that kind of thing. It's rice or mashed potatoes. You can't have both but yes you can if you're elizabeth valente right where do you get being said i fucking lit like i remember

in college going over to e's apartment and like if she would be like oh yeah i'm just making dinner right now and it'd be her pasta and she was like oh no i made too much pasta i'm like oh no could i possibly finish it because Could I possibly finish it? Because buttered pasta with noodles, I mean, sorry, buttered noodles with salt is fucking amazing. Oh, it's great. So fucking good. It's so good.

It's so good. Anyway, that's literally the only things I eat. She did miss hummus and pretzels. That's right. That is a good snack of yours. And if you're feeling healthy, carrots and ranch. And ranch dressing. Can I ask you this?

Because you work out a lot. You obviously have a fast metabolism, but that only comes from having a lot of muscle on your body. Where the fuck do you get your protein from? Do you do shakes at all? The hummus maybe? I grab you by the collar. You got to help me, man.

You got to help me. Eggs are protein, right? Eggs are protein. Yeah, but how many do you have? Two? That's like nine grams. Two a day! That's nine grams of protein There's supposed to be more in my diet Yes! Oh god

There doesn't need to be necessarily But it doesn't explain how you have muscle What you have Yeah anyway I don't know how it works What's been shaking me is I guess another old fashioned update I don't know how it works. What's been shaking me is, I guess another old-fashioned update.

I don't want to repeat myself, but the three of us and Daniel have, we kind of like, I've been talking about this maple old-fashioned, I guess just I have, and everybody's been not responding, but I made it, and I used some of the cinnamon from the Spice House cinnamon

that Riley got for me for my birthday. You basically, instead of a sugar cube and water, you do a little little bit of maple syrup and you should be sparing because it is more sweet uh but yes maple syrup bitters bourbon over ice uh lemon you know peel uh or sorry orange peel christ um but and then you top it off with just a little bit of um of cinnamon and like any cinnamon will do but the spice is really cinnamon. That sounds really good. Unbelievable. That sounds really good. Riley what's been shaking you? Me? Yeah man. Today. Well

not today January 5th but today December 11th. I recorded four self tapes in a day. Oh my god. She did. So Riley and I have had. So we did our Patreon live stream at 8 or 5 and then we're recording this for seven and that's already kind of like a late night of working especially just

in general especially for our schedule normally though four self-tapes going into that insane and in like in like a span of two hours yeah she like banged them out yeah incredible and I feel good about all of them like it wasn't like I was like just rushing it just for the sake of doing it. Like they're not due till Monday or Tuesday. But I'm like, oh, I feel I feel ready with these now. Like I feel like good enough with them to do them now. And I did it. And I texted our agent and I'm just like, hey, man, I'm doing four out of four self

tapes a day. I feel like I'm on speed in the best way. Parentheses. I've never done speed. He's he's like yeah you should try it it's great um so that was really and it's all stuff that it was just really fun like i jeff and i on our live stream today december 11th uh i just i i love taping i love because's like, we were talking about, Jeff, that it's just like auditioning is the job. And if you book something, that's a perk.

That's even better. And so it's like, I just had so much fun today. And it's like, I love days like this where, one, I'm just grateful to get auditions. So that was really fun. But also like, it was just fun because I'm like, oh yeah, this is what I love. This is what I love to do. and because sometimes i can get like i think it was just nice to remind

because sometimes like it's like the stress of like oh okay and now i gotta like get those sides and i have to do that like and it just kind of like adds to like the list of to do things i have to do but because that was all i had to do today i'm like oh I just get to play for like two hours and it was like this is why I love doing what I do and it was all very very fun um yeah so yeah so that was like what shook me also is there's one that I probably could have done on Monday but I told E after the third one I did I'm like okay I think I'm ready to do this fourth one I think I'm ready and I'm like if I can, that'll be four self-tapes in a day.

And he's just on the couch like, all right. Like, have so much fun. She's like, nice. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is working harder than anyone I know. Like, yeah, I've been up since 7.30. And I'm like, I put two hours of work in today. Well, E, I'm so glad we finally got you on. Thanks so much for having me on.

This was so silly. Yeah, we have to have you back. Also, plugs. Plug your YouTube channel, what you're working on. Let people know where they can find you. Yes, my YouTube channel is Elizabeth Valenti, V-A-L-E-N-T-I. You'll see some familiar faces on it. I'm also loving tiktok and my yeah my username is you're pretty famous on tiktok i'm not at all actually that

you're in in the in the niche department that i'm in of reciting riverdale um it's at elizabeth underscore valenti same with my insta hell yeah guys elizabeth's youtube especially is just such a treat it's just such a treat i love youtube you guys it's you can find jeffrey freshly on instagram at just jeffrey james and when i tagged you in something today i truly typed i am jeffrey james and i'm like that's weird can't find him and i have to remind myself and on twitter at don't play no James you can find our show you know where to find this show you can follow Riley on Instagram at Riley and spa and on Instagram on tiktok oh my fucking god no and on Twitter it's almost midnight and on Twitter at Riley coyote um also happy new year everybody we didn't even say that it is December 11th so we're not in new year's mode but um happy new year yeah here's to a better

2021 that wacky vaccy is uh just around the corner elizabeth and i are equally anxious about covid and uh we same same with riley yeah we all talk each other off the ledge constantly yeah um so yeah uh we'll see you guys again next week thanks so much for listening arrivederci that was a original