Review Revue - Dylan's Candy Bar

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Alf and Reilly definitely set an intention this time as they explore the tradgedies of the second american civil war. >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaug...h @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. Review, review
Starting point is 00:00:27 With Alfred and Riley They'll take reviews And make some comedy. With improv scenes, their characters are completely normal. A HeadGum show, review, review, we stand alf and rightly. Things better now.
Starting point is 00:01:14 See the thing is. See the thing is. Review, review, we stand alf and wryly. Review, review, we stand alf and wryly. All rise for the singing of our national anthem. Hold on. Hold on that. Okay, here we go. Dear Alf and Riley, this is from Tyler again.
Starting point is 00:02:01 First of all, really quick before I read this, why did it sound like it was sung by frogs like it sounded like it was sung by a chorus of frogs like disney frogs in the best way yeah it was giving kind of anti-harmonies you know what i mean um please dear alph and riley actually before i read the email i just gotta say it didn't work we did this whole ploy saying we needed non-copyrighted music for a theme songs and just need to keep this nerd bitch out of our inbox we lost elf and we
Starting point is 00:02:34 literally have to play it because we are past the bottom of the barrel and song submissions this is our very last one I swear right when you think you've hit rock bottom Tyler grabs a fucking shovel And shows you a level lower Anyway here's his email God they're always so damn long
Starting point is 00:02:54 That's right another Ty Sambi production Recorded on my tin can and a string In a pool Blah blah blah I swear And I hate to keep harping on this But if I could take away anyone's voice Little Mermaid style it'd be this fuck ass fuck this I'm not reading his stupid email oh god thank you so much Tyler that is the new podcast national anthem it's like why bother being on cameo when the listeners can get you to read
Starting point is 00:03:27 whatever they want by just sending in the most shit ass song i don't know what you're talking about that was all me and i was not instructed to read anything hey sorry i called your song shit ass there tyler that was not as the lyrics were awesome the melody was not original and i loved it then there's not i have to like, we get a lot of theme songs. Not true, but we have in the past gotten a lot of theme songs, and that See the Thing is mentioned. They don't always have that in there. They don't always have that, and it's not always the Canadian national anthem.
Starting point is 00:04:01 Alfred, it feels like it's been a year since we recorded. It's been one year since we did the show. It's been a year since we recorded. It's been one year since we did the show. It's been one week since we did a pod. Two days since I took a shit. I'm very backed up. Oh, I'm having the opposite issue at the moment. I was lying.
Starting point is 00:04:20 I'm incredibly regular. You could set your fucking watch to it. Yeah, same. You're having dietary digestive issues it doesn't matter alf what no no let's make space let's talk about it what has your life been like since we recorded um what has my life been like since we recorded i mean it's i can't say it because you're gonna yell yell at me, but it has gotten cold here. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to actually kill you.
Starting point is 00:04:48 No, it's actually taking a little bit of a turn for the colder side of things. It's like we have another segment. It's like you are creating a segment at the top of the show instead of just shooting the show. It's just a fucking weather segment. Weather balloon.
Starting point is 00:05:03 But what if we call it weather baboon did you ever play bloons yes on addictinggames.com yes great games.com i think has a lot i think it has a lot to answer for addictinggames.com raised me i'm not saying without addictinggames.com i wouldn't have become an alcoholic but i think addictinggames.com I wouldn't have become an alcoholic, but I think addictinggames.com is a gateway drug. Kitten Cannon, Bloons, what was the one? Y'all ever play Line Rider?
Starting point is 00:05:34 Yes, that's the one I was looking for. Line Rider, dude. Line Rider went so hard. Addictinggames.com is still a running website, last time I checked. Okay. Sorry to say, this is where the episode ends. Shortest episode in history. I gotta go play Bloons.
Starting point is 00:05:49 There was a couple years ago, Daniel and I were on Addictinggames.com for a good couple hours. It was a pandemic, man. You don't need to worry about that. No, it's pre-pandemic. Oh, well, I wouldn't have said. You could have left that. I would have left that. Other than it getting cold, what's new? Well, Riley, we're in the maddest month of all.
Starting point is 00:06:11 Oh, did you hear that? It's the Mad Hatter. It's March Madness. It's basketball time. Well, at the time of recording it is, but at the time of release it will be April. Yeah, well, March Madness actually goes into April. But it's not March. I'm just saying it's like you're like we're in the you're a hater i bet i bet you don't even know i don't bet you don't even know what a basketball looks like do you stop i bet you don't
Starting point is 00:06:39 picture describe a basketball describe a basketball it's a basketball shit she fucking got me no i love march madness man it's the only time of the year when i allow myself to become completely consumed with gambling um and i love it i love it for three weeks a year i allow myself to become absolutely um obsessed with the sport of basketball. And, you know, there's never been a better time to get into it. I didn't know you watched sports. Do you want to know a really fun fact about me? There's a fun fact about you?
Starting point is 00:07:17 Well, it actually isn't that fun. People will remember, because I talk about it all the time, it's my whole personality or whatever. I was hit in the head with an axe once i once once upon a time it's been a while since you brought it it is you know maybe that's progress maybe that's growth it was about three years ago three and a half years ago three years ago three months and 17 days and i was counting but who's counting okay and uh I was recovering from that trauma. Shout out BetterHelp. And I got really into basketball because it was the middle of the pandemic.
Starting point is 00:07:53 But it was like early. It was back into the pandemic enough that we were like playing sports again. And it was like one of the only things I was sort of interested in. And it lined up well with March Madness and everything and I just, I got hooked. So yeah, ever since then I've been bitten by the bug as it were.
Starting point is 00:08:15 You really sound like someone who's very into sports. No darling you don't understand. The game of basketball is fascinating. I've been bitten by the bug. oh i've been bitten by the bug there's nothing quite like sitting down at 2 p.m on a weekday to watch a bunch of children play basketball with a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other i saw a guy smoking a cigar while driving the other day, and I was like, it's going to be me. It's a traveling crooner.
Starting point is 00:08:48 What the hell is up with you, though? Enough about my basketball fanaticism. What is honestly up with me? I've been very- Other than your diarrhea. Stop. I hardly know her. No, I know her a little too well.
Starting point is 00:09:04 Oh, my diarrhea actually um go way back more like i shit myself um i didn't shit myself i um have been getting back into this is not what i've been up to what do you just spell i've been getting back i've been getting back into watching the morning show it's so fucking good I'm finally watching season 2 And I'm flying through that shit Oh it's very good But season 2 is set Like at the onset of COVID
Starting point is 00:09:33 So it's like in their news It's like January 2020 And you see in the bottom chyron it's like Mystery illness coming out of Wuhan I'm like this is so Fucking triggering Anyway other than watching Because it's very good coming out of Wuhan, I'm like, this is so fucking triggering. Anyway, other than watching, because it's very good.
Starting point is 00:09:51 Other than that, I've just been working a lot. And so I'm very, very excited to be, this is so earnest. I'm very excited to be doing an episode because it's been a while. And we fully wrapped Homewrecker, the feature that Daniel and I did. And Jeffrey James has a little cameo in it. So that was really, really fun. I saw that on Instagram.com i was like i didn't know jeff was in this there's like a karaoke scene and we needed like four friends to fuck around in it and it was should have got tyler um who tyler from the theme song tyler did you fucking hear that? Dude. If I were you, that would have hurt. That would have hurt me if I were you, man.
Starting point is 00:10:26 I'd get back into this. It's been good. But we're not here to talk about my bowel habits. We're not here to talk about the morning show. Do you think it's a habit? Do you consider your diarrhea a habit at this point? Because that is worrying. We're not here to talk about Alf drinking brandy and watching basketball.
Starting point is 00:10:46 But we are here to talk about alf uh drinking brandy and watching basketball um but we are here to talk about something pretty almost as addicting as addicting addicting games you said addicting games dude oh my god you are we're here to talk about something that makes you feel a little crazy okay that makes you feel a little zany i've are i genuinely forgot the topic for a second you've already done that twice um we're here to talk with something it doesn't have the unknown but it is chock full of candy we're talking about dylan's candy bar it was a little uh willy wonka experience for all you people who are on twitter um landed the plane real well we're talking about dylan's candy bar alf have you ever been to who are on Twitter. Landed the plane real well. We were talking about Dylan's Candy Bar.
Starting point is 00:11:29 Alf, have you ever been to Dylan's Candy Bar? I've never been to Dylan's Candy Bar. I don't... Do you want to know, up until you suggested Dylan's Candy Bar as a topic at a few hours ago, p.m., you know what my sum total experience with Dylan's Candy Bar was? What?
Starting point is 00:11:45 When I was in eighth grade, there was a girl in my English class You know what my sum total experience with Dylan's Candy Bar was? What? When I was in eighth grade, there was a girl in my English class who had a Dylan's Candy Bar sticker on her notebook. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck that is. And you never asked? Never asked. Didn't really care. Did you know that it was a candy shop i mean fucking i'm not that dim i mean well you did text me about an hour after we got off the phone and said wait what's the topic i
Starting point is 00:12:11 didn't write it down okay so in fairness to me though i was driving at the time uh doesn't matter so i was looking out i was looking out for you, girl. Dylan's Candy Bar is a candy utopia, if that's what I'm saying. Yeah. And it is the CEO and founder is Dylan Lauren. I believe the daughter of Ralph Lauren. And by I believe, I mean, I know for a fact that Ralph Lauren's daughter, Dylan, is Dylan's. No. Dylan's kid. I went to it as a tween in New York.
Starting point is 00:12:53 And I thought it was magical. I thought it was the coolest thing you could do in New York. It's like. Imagining you at 11 in that space is. Oh, my God. It's amazing. It really is magical. It's like the under the floor. It's like it's kind of like clear floor
Starting point is 00:13:06 and then under it's all candy and everywhere is candy it's like there's like three stories of this building and it's all candy and it's just it's really cool the design was great and it was just it really felt like real life Willy Wonka I think
Starting point is 00:13:22 the at least the I don't know if the original storefront is still there maybe really felt like real life Willy Wonka I think the at least the I don't know if the original storefront is still there maybe it is um it's gotta be it was like three three floors like it's pretty big there's one in LA by the Grove that's not as big but it's like in the one in New York they had like a little cafe where you could get like milkshakes and like sweet treats and stuff they had different floors like you know the top floor get like milkshakes and like sweet treats and stuff they had different floors like you know the top floor was like all gummies and like sour candy and then the bottom floor was like all kinds of chocolate and like it's everything and so you you get it by bag so
Starting point is 00:13:56 it's like you get a bag when you come in and you pay by weight and so it's like you can fill up the bag with any kind of candy you want and then they they also just sell like, I'd pick the lightest candy. A box of Nerds. Game system. You could get anything. And so it was just, I remember going and getting a bag and that puppy would last me for like,
Starting point is 00:14:15 at least like two weeks. Holy cow. Because I would just space it out. But I'm not really a candy girl. I was gonna say. I love chocolate. Yeah, but you're not like, giving my Skitt me my Skittles and my Sweeties and my Smarties and my gummy wee gooey.
Starting point is 00:14:29 No, no, no, no. Even as a kid, I always, so it's like at Dylan, it was more for the novelty of going and like just being around and the environment was like really cool and exciting and colorful and well designed. I'm just imagining you walking into like Willy Wonka, you know, when it's like all that, the river of chocolate everything and he's like anything you can touch you can eat and you're like i'm okay i'm okay just the chocolate thank you i'm fine thanks i'll get i actually had some chocolate in the last room
Starting point is 00:14:55 and so i'm good um i did get i remember like in myself getting uh like a jawbreaker and bringing it back to LA and like bring it to school at lunch and thinking I was so fucking cool to have a jawbreaker did you watch edit and Eddie as a kid of course edit and Eddie did wonders for the job yeah industry job
Starting point is 00:15:18 breaker industry on life support until that show came on the air and all of a sudden I never thought about that it's the worst candy no but they made it look so cool and they're not cool no were you do you like candy i love you as a kid um i do i do now love um sour patch kids sorry that is like the one like candy that isn't chocolate that i really love or the watermelons normalsals. I agree. I don't really like the watermelons. But not the yellow ones.
Starting point is 00:15:45 Okay. I like the red, blue, and orange. I would say the red and the blue and the orange are probably better than the yellow for me as well. Nice to know in this divided time in our country. We're reaching across the aisle. Fine. Common ground. No, but I was... I definitely liked the kind of more synthetic candy. You know what I really used to love?
Starting point is 00:16:13 And I could kind of fantasize about was the... Okay. I was like, imagine that. No, the like Krabby Patty gummies. Those tasted like nothing. Oh, they were not. But there was something about them that I was upset. Like if someone gave me one of those now and was like, hey, I got this for you.
Starting point is 00:16:36 I would be genuinely excited. You would sob. You totally give like candy kid vibes. Yeah. And you're just fucking saying that to hurt my feelings because that's no no i don't mean it red gatorade on the gatorade shit you said the same thing about like i can just picture you you really get a little rat you know you give a red gatorade around the mouth that's munching on your carby patty meanwhile i have a chocolate like stain on my
Starting point is 00:17:02 lips and i loved cookies showing off about your jawbreaker and chocolate like stain on my lips. And I loved cookies. Showing off about your jawbreaker. Cookies and chocolate. Like that was more my speed versus like sour candies and gummies and stuff like that. Yeah. I still buy candy for myself. Like not at the movie theater, just during the course of my life, which I don't think is. And those are your two like environments at the movies and during the course my life is at the movies and everything
Starting point is 00:17:34 else honestly though but like when i went to see dune 2 i'm getting milk duds you know what i mean and the milk duds there was something off with these milk Duds I got at Dune 2, by the way. Dude, Milk Duds are always stale. But these ones weren't just stale. Like, sometimes you get them and they're, like, hard as hell. The chocolate was bad. It was like they were, like, they were, like, you know, they were, like, acrid. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:59 And I ate the whole damn box tonight. Should we get into it? Let's get into it. Do you want to start or should i i think you should start oh wow that's a shocker okay i'll start that if you're gonna give me that much fucking sass if you're gonna give me that much lip okay this is for all these are for the All right. This is five stars from Danielle C. Danielle. Danielle, see what you made me do.
Starting point is 00:18:34 Danielle, see what you made me do. Five stars. I was literally like a big kid in a candy store here. My parents didn't let me eat much candy, so now that I'm grown, I can do whatever I want. I had a blast here. They have just about every candy imaginable. Wasn't planning to come here at all, but after walking by, couldn't help it. The employees were very friendly and helpful. Totally worth the visit. Danielle didn't say I can eat whatever candy i want or i can eat whatever i want she said now that i've grown i can do whatever i want my parents didn't let me eat candy when i was a kid but now i can do whatever i want
Starting point is 00:19:13 um that's great sir and so that will be uh 21.58 for the bag of candy okay um apple pie uh yeah we take apple pie i'm gonna use apple pie you can certainly do that we offer that all righty doing whatever the hell i like all right oh, there are a lot of kids in here, so we'd appreciate it if you just kept the language. You know, PG. I do whatever the stay in school I like. Yeah. Well, thank you. Have such a great day.
Starting point is 00:19:56 Thank you for coming to Dylan's Candy Bar. Thanks. I love what you guys do here, by the way. Oh, thank you. You know what? We really love our jobs. It brings us joy to bring people joy and i want to tell you you really did today um i'm happy to hear that i walked in here
Starting point is 00:20:12 and i you know just felt like a big a big kid again oh that that's what we aim for you know kids of all ages right full heart full diapy you know just walking through those doors like a big kid yeah like a kitty cat are you guys um line forming behind me are you guys like i don't know like what's your role here oh i uh just cashier i just i just so that's something you guys have it's just like a cashier part part. That's something that's my job. But your part, you play the cashier. The part.
Starting point is 00:20:54 Sorry, I know what it's. This is my my job. Your role. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Are you guys casting for that right now? Oh, gosh. You're one of those New York actors. No, we're not hiring. Are you guys Casting for that right now? Oh gosh
Starting point is 00:21:06 You're one of those New York actors No we're not hiring I'm not an actor Not that there's anything wrong with being an actor But I Me and my family We see ourselves as Come on ask
Starting point is 00:21:24 I'll be with you a yes i grew up in the circus that's right oh that's very i consider myself a performer but you can see that actor it's like i bumped at that um uh that's so that's so cool but i if you guys are i'm serious about the hiring thing if you guys are um looking for a cashier. You can't bump that kid out of the way. I'm just saying he's being a little, you know, it's like a little thing called wait your turn goes a long way. You know, I know the city's famous for its rude people,
Starting point is 00:21:55 but I don't think that has to extend to the little ones. Sir, please. All right. We're not hiring right now. Thank you so much for coming in and hope you come in again. Oh, don't worry about that. We have a lot of people waiting. Okay. See you tomorrow. Please. hiring right now thank you so much for coming in and hope you come in again um oh you'll be don't worry about that we have a lot of people waiting okay so please no okay back to his apartment his girlfriend hey babe did you pick up the broccoli for the For the roast? Broccoli, you said. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:26 You forgot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had really meant to, but I left the gym and I was walking down the street and I just... Have you ever been to Dylan's Candy Bar? Oh, Jesus, Thomas. That's a place for children. Okay. Well, they didn't prevent me going in, so I think adults are... that's a place for children. Okay, well, they didn't, like, prevent me going in, so I think adults are...
Starting point is 00:22:48 It's a cool space for everybody. There were a lot of adults in there, actually. You went and bought candy instead of vegetables for dinner. Well, no, okay, when you put it like that, it casts me in a certain light, but I... I went in there and I... I love you. Okay. I love you, too. I wasn't't finished but i'll let you finish first i
Starting point is 00:23:09 interrupted you i'm glad we can put this fight to bed oh no i do you want to explain or do you want can i say what i was gonna say i don't think so can i say what i was gonna say or do you want to finish no you go ahead i'm sorry sweetness i was gonna say i do you want to finish? No, you go ahead. I'm sorry, sweetness. I was going to say, I love you. And I love that you are doing this work of healing your inner child and exploring all the things that your parents wouldn't let you do when you were a child. I think that's very important work. Yeah. That being said, I do feel that it's starting to interfere with our daily life instead of just kind of like work you are doing on yourself does that make sense i that does make sense i'm hearing that um you know i i did warn you before i started doing this work with rebecca i said you know she warned me that it might have an impact you know for a
Starting point is 00:23:58 little while on it might change things to reshuffle things. Because you're not in the circus anymore. You know, this is New York. No, I know that. I know that. Sometimes it feels like you forget. But I know. I know I did hear that. Okay. But I guess I just didn't expect it to be like a 24-7 thing. Okay. And I hear that. And I respect that. But you have to understand that when I was in the circus, as you say. It's not as I say. Well, you did just say it. It was a 24-7 thing. I mean, I woke up, circus. Went to bed, circus.
Starting point is 00:24:42 Circus. My whole day, breakfast, day breakfast lunch dinner was circus and i think you know so the unpacking of that the healing from that is also gonna maybe have to be 24 7 you know but i love you this is part of me but but it's becoming all of you. I don't want you to sleep with blankie and nightlight every night. I don't sleep with it every night. Well, what do you mean you don't every night? I mean, when you don't have blankie and nightlight. Okay, every night for the last couple of weeks, but that's not like every night.
Starting point is 00:25:18 And then I say, hey, can you please turn off the TV? I need to get up for work in the morning. And you say, I get to stay up. I get to stay up. I don't have a bedtime. So I can watch The Lion King one and a half. So I can watch The Lion King one and a half. You know those are based on Shakespeare.
Starting point is 00:25:34 Lion King one and a half? Yeah, that one is like. No, that's just the one with Timon and Pumbaa narrating. Right, it's like Mary Wives of Windsor or something. The one about Timon and Pumbaa? I'm just saying. No, that one is like. You're talking about it like it's a kid's movie. It's like their backstory. But's like Mary Wives of Windsor or something. The one about Timon and Pumbaa? I'm just saying. No, that one is like. You're talking about it like it's a kid's movie, but they could be for adults too.
Starting point is 00:25:49 But their backstory on that one is like, you know, you see Timon's life in the Meerkat colony. And then you see Pumbaa being a loner. Right. I watched the film. You don't have to recount the plot to me. All I'm saying is like, I don't think that was based. I think the Lion King is based off of Hamlet. Somebody said she needed to sleep and yet she can recall because i could hear it through the wall i could
Starting point is 00:26:08 hear every single line through the wall and then i said please turn it off and then you said again again again like a baby or kicking your feet you said again again what adults don't use the word again oh my god you are being obtuse i'm gonna i gotta go blow up some steam i'm sorry i can't be in this space right now this is it is it is giving circus oh stop it no i'm not and i'm not trying to play that card but in here it feels like a circus and i can't be around that energy. Okay? I know you were lying bait as a boy. And I know that living in that amount of terror every single day, every day was circus and every day that was your job. And you didn't get to be.
Starting point is 00:26:56 I understand that. I have empathy for that. And I love you. I just don't love when you are baby now all the time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I can smell the catnip. Yeah. And the raw meat. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:16 That they used to rub all over me. Yeah. And I look at you and I freak the fuck out. I know you do. Because I think you're a lion. A lion. And you're going to eat me. I know you do. Because I think you're a lion. A lion. And you're going to eat me. I know.
Starting point is 00:27:28 Because that was my life. And I want to take that away from you. I would do anything to take that away from you. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I see the hat rack in the corner of the room. I think it's Bozo. And he's got a big whip. And he is the only thing standing between me and the lion.
Starting point is 00:27:54 I guess I forgot that the clown was the one who was the tamer. Yeah. Everyone was kind of doing every job in this circus. By the end, things were tight. Yeah. There used to be separate roles, but not... Not when you were at the bait. Not by the end.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Yeah. We're on the same team. That's what this relationship is. That's what Bozo used to say, and it did not feel like that in the ring. Thomas, I'm not Bozo. I'm not a lion. I am just a woman. I am the a lion. I am just a woman. I'm the woman you love.
Starting point is 00:28:27 I'm the woman who loves you. And I'm asking you to help me help you help me. Okay, I hear you. I'm going to go down to the bodega. And I'm going to buy some broccoli. Thank you. I'll be back in like 20 minutes. I really appreciate and we can start this night back where on a track where it should be i'm really glad we had this talk thank you that
Starting point is 00:28:53 means a lot thank you for communicating your needs yeah okay cut to the bodega broccoli broccoli broccoli if i was broccoli what would i look like guy come in a bunch of storage boxes unloading new um new items it's like a bunch of jaw breakers like into this one section whoa hey excuse me, excuse me, chief. Sorry. No, you're all right, big boss. What is that new inventory you've got there? They're bringing jawbreakers back into circulation, if you can believe it. Haven't seen one of these since it was on, like,
Starting point is 00:29:36 Ed, Edd n Eddy. I used to. Yeah, yeah. They. Yeah, I remember those guys. They're as big as navel oranges brother yes jesus no you know what this shit'll do to your teeth god probably kids these days yeah end up looking gnarled and you know chiseled chipped yeah like an elder like a geriatric lion well anyway uh have a good night, boss. You're leaving?
Starting point is 00:30:06 Yeah, I don't work here. I just drop off the ship. You're just a jawbreaker guy, I see. Yeah. How much do one of these normally go for? Jawbreakers are next to the broccoli. They're laid out like produce. How much do these normally go for, these guys?
Starting point is 00:30:21 Oh, God, well, with inflation, I would say they're about like a dollar 25 a pop these are the big boys yeah shit so for ten dollars i could probably get i could probably get six of those these fuckers are the size of your fist broccoli is two dollars a pound. And then the size of my fist, though. I mean, that's pretty big. All right. Well, you have a good night there, buddy. I got to go drop these to every bodega
Starting point is 00:30:54 in the tri-state area. Wow. They're really coming back, though, huh? They really, really are in a big way. And these were big when we were kids. Huge. Oh, my God. Come on come on the memories don't you remember just popping that sucker in the back of your mouth like some chewing tobacco except you couldn't you know maw on it for your life you just kind of had to let it
Starting point is 00:31:19 sit there as the juices made your tongue all sorts of colors yeah no i i remember that i remember there was this one time actually when i was in the um i had cage duty and i was sweeping up and um i saw a kid you know like a guest and he was wandering sort of around the cage. And he was holding it. And he was taunting me with it. And he was like, does the lion cub want? Does the lion cub want? And I didn't know what it was. Honestly, I thought it was a ball.
Starting point is 00:31:57 I thought it was like, in my head, I was like, oh. I mean, they are. They look like the cross balls. Right. I didn't know they were candy. He wasn't eating it or anything. But now I have have context for that and that's actually really helpful for me um but i don't know anything about a cage but uh listen man i really gotta run uh but hey you should buy what a fun nostalgic treat you know i wanted to end your night with one of these bad oh no i've
Starting point is 00:32:25 i came here for broccoli that's all right i just am dropping these off i'm not gonna tell you what to do you're not wrong it would be fun you're an adult right yeah of course i am just like you yep uh anyway social security good night and everything yes have a good night and everything. Yes. Have a good night. Could you please move out of the way? I just got a big box and I got to. You really think I should get one, huh? I really, I cannot. I really got to go.
Starting point is 00:32:54 I really got to go. Twist my freaking arm. Why don't you? Okay, I'll get it. Got back to the apartment. He's got like a duffel bag honey i'm home oh thank you jesus christ it's not broccoli but it is tasty and you've you so how much money did you spend this is more than the 10 bucks i gave you a dollar 20 broccoli well no but they're a dollar 25 a piece right so this is about 100 jawbreakers so about 125 dollars i think it was
Starting point is 00:33:32 about 140 dollars and i gave the guy a five and i said spend it on something nice and um but he saw he told me with inflation they're gonna be worth a lot more soon um so i'm not worried we're just gonna you and me crack a couple a night, obviously. But we can keep a few in the back, you know, hold them, wait for it to appreciate in value. And then it'll be funky dory. Thomas, I can't do this anymore. You can put it in a bag and finish it later. Thomas, I don't know what I have to say to get you out.
Starting point is 00:34:05 I tried to make it work, but I guess I didn't want to have to resort to this. But I need you to leave the apartment, and I feel like you're not going to unless I do this. Do what? I'm a lion. No, you're not. I'm going to eat you. No, you're my girlfriend. Thomas. That's not gonna work work on me i've been out of the thomas i want you to imagine yourself back in cage duty i'm not thomas i'm not gonna do that i'm in the cage imagine yourself
Starting point is 00:34:38 back in the cage i'm in the cage i am lion no and you are bait oh shit i'm walking around i'm stalking you oh no bozo isn't here why did bozo go nowhere to be found he's supposed to be here he's smoking in the back is the whip anywhere can i grab the whip is the whip is on the other side of the cage just out of reach um do i have the bait bag you are the bait bag no but i always have a backup bait bag full of blood not right now i left the bait bag in the room i left my you are the bait bag and if you don't get out of this room in 10 seconds well is the cage unlocked the cage is unlocked so you better run okay um i'll give you five seconds okay hang, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Are you Misty or are you Golden?
Starting point is 00:35:31 Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I know one of them was the mean one and the other one was the nice one. I forget which one he said. Shit, shit. It's 50-50 chance. I'm Golden. Yeah, I'm Golden.
Starting point is 00:35:43 Okay, okay, okay. Okay, Golden was a fucker, but he was blind. I'm golden. Yeah, I'm golden. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Golden was a fucker, but he was blind. So I think if I just grab my jawbreakers and I move real slow so we can't hear. I hear you. I hear you, Thomas. Shit. I gotta leave the jawbreakers.
Starting point is 00:36:04 I gotta leave the jawbreakers. Thomas. Maybe I discard one. I feel you. I hear you, Thomas. I gotta leave the jawbreakers. I gotta leave the jawbreakers. Thomas. Maybe I discard one. I feel you. What does he mean he can feel me? I feel you. Where is that clown motherfucker? It's time to go.
Starting point is 00:36:16 Okay. Okay. Bye, Golden. Get out. Runs out the door. Runs out the door. Oh, he forgot his jawbreakers. Well.
Starting point is 00:36:31 God, I should. Well, I mean, if they're here. Oh! Fuck! Broke her jaw. Broke her jaw. Jaw got broke. Oh, I love a normal one.
Starting point is 00:36:46 I love a normal one. Hey, man. Have you ever been to the circus? Have you ever seen a... I've seen a lion. Did you know that? Did you know that? Let's take a break.
Starting point is 00:36:58 We'll come back with some more reviews of Dylan's candy bar. Okay. He was a fucker, but he was right. But he was right. Oh, and we're back! Alf, do you want to read a review oh nothing would bring me more joy um so this is for the
Starting point is 00:37:34 i just dropped something but i don't know what it was this is for the dylan's candy bar in i should hope so the houston international airport what it's like for george i think it's george bush the airport it's you know the george bush air i can't fucking remember fuck that you fuck that guy and fuck that airport i'm happy to say. Mike C, one star. Mike. Don't say. I can see it in your eyes, my friend. I can see it in your eyes. Mike Cont.
Starting point is 00:38:21 Like continued, like C-O-N-T. Cont. Mike Cont. Mike Cont't one star the store should be shut down anyone waiting at gate A7 has to hear that
Starting point is 00:38:36 damn I want candy song every five minutes oh my god oh my god you know what i'm with mike on you can't keep playing the same song i feel bad for mike i feel deep concern for the staff of that store yes an eight hour shift every five minutes there have to be other songs about candy well that's what's weird is it it says every five minutes you hear that song so between that song you hear lollipop lollipop oh my god and maybe like sugar. Oh, honey.
Starting point is 00:39:26 And it's those three songs. I'm trying to think. Oh, sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's specifically, there is something that's very haunting about I Want Candy. I want candy i want candy it does have that kind of like an organ that's like going in and out marlene spaghetti is singing i want
Starting point is 00:40:01 bring her back i feel like there really was an era and like the early 2000s of like everything was candy themed everything but there's so much but even like chalk like the phone even chocolate was candy but it's so much but even like chocolate like the phone even chocolate was candy but it's like the phone like the like there was like a motorola chocolate
Starting point is 00:40:30 like a chocolate crazer and like a lot of body wash was like candy like chocolate scented candy scented there was something that was like disgusting i'm saying in the culture that was like we're sweet we're like we're just like chewing on our bubble gum do you know what i'm talking about i do i mean it's it was the golden age of like what if your chapstick tasted like coca-cola exactly like everything had to be this swizzler's chapstick that you just at dylan's candy bar they sold those they sold like yes and there was yeah there was really something very sinister about that time in many ways yes i mean i think it was a it was an overindulgence you know what i mean this is like it's 20 like 78 in a history class All right. We are now going to be thinking, kids, I have a guest lecturer with me today.
Starting point is 00:41:33 We're going to be co-teaching this class because we know a little something about this time. And, oh, my God, I see him across the room now. Look at him. God, look at him. Yep. Oh, my God. That is Carl Frebble. And Carl Frebble is my uncle. You're in trouble.
Starting point is 00:41:56 Here comes Frebble. Oh, my God, Carl. So anyway, kids, I'm bringing my uncle in today because we're going to be talking about a time called the early 2000s. Yeah, turn of the century. Oh, don't say that. It's from so old ago. That's what they're thinking.
Starting point is 00:42:15 Oh, stop it. Oh, no. I actually have a lot of mood boards that are dedicated to this time, so I feel like I know a little bit about it. Oh, okay. Oh, that's it. That was an invitation to share. You saying that or me saying that?
Starting point is 00:42:37 Me. Oh, I was just going to say. Yeah, let's just go ahead. Like, let's just open it up. I'm sorry. Did I step on your? No, no, no.. Let's just open it up. I'm sorry. Did I step on your – No, no, no. Uncle Carl.
Starting point is 00:42:47 Lisa, did I step on your – I'm sorry. Uncle Carl, no. Did I step on your lesson plan? No. This was just us talking. Honestly, as long as the kids are engaged and ready to learn, I'm happy to get started. Okay.
Starting point is 00:43:03 I'll just say before we begin, I'm just excited that anybody cares about this period in history. I think it, you know, we don't, you know. We don't what? We don't talk about it. We don't think about it. It's forgotten. I mean, after what happened in the 2030s,
Starting point is 00:43:21 this period just gets erased from the books. You know, it's seen as less important. But, you know. Well, that's exactly what I wanted to touch on today. And so, kids, a lot of people might be thinking like, oh, are you going to really talk about like the recession and the housing crisis? And no, that's not what we're going to talk about. We're talking about the candification of the early 2000s.
Starting point is 00:43:43 And that's something that my uncle feels very, very deeply. Very strong. That was something that really shaped his life, our family's lives. It really trickled down. You know, I'm teaching it to my boys at home. They're really steeped in that culture and in that time. And it's really important to us. And so.
Starting point is 00:44:01 I didn't know you were teaching. I'm glad you're teaching them that. That's good to know. It's never too young. Never too young to start yeah god no um and so i know you guys are probably thinking like what is important about this era why do we need to care was there anything historically significant and um that you're just gonna have to ask carl about um can i talk about my mood board yes oh my god lindy i'm so sorry i'm so sorry lindy uh yeah all i was gonna say is um i i've never seen one in person but i i've seen photos of like the smackers chapstick i love smackers like different kinds of flavors and the ones that were like root beer flavored and chocolate flavored.
Starting point is 00:44:47 And I just thought that was really cool. And so I have a lot of photos of that on my computer at home. Wow. I think that's really special. Sorry, kids. Hey, Carl, Uncle Carl, can i step with you outside really quick kids we'll be right back hey getting cold feet i just i did i wasn't expecting him to be so young i mean a lot of the material i have it's you know it's quite dark and i didn't i just i i just want
Starting point is 00:45:22 to make sure you think they can handle it of course i do i wouldn't have brought you in here if i didn't think they could handle it okay okay like they're sixth graders you know it's like you know you're sixth grade i mean when i was in sixth grade you had the kids who were watching saw five every night to go to bed and then you also had the kids whose parents were like oh no if you watch harry potter and the chamber of secrets you'll be pissing your pants for a week yeah you know and so sixth grade it's a tough age it's a tough age but i promise you they are going to be so excited to learn from you so don't hold back okay and the candyfication you don't think it's too like you know old man
Starting point is 00:46:07 not at all what are you talking about you're hardly an old man okay well i'm hardly a young one why don't you get up there bring them your best stuff bring in the stuff you're most excited to share stories that maybe you've never even told me well there's some of those but i don't know if they're for this all right i'm getting in there you don't have to you don't worry about that i'm getting in there all right i just want to start off showing hands show a hand who here goes trick-or-treating? Everybody, except for one kid. Okay, okay. I've seen a lot of hands and probably a Mormon.
Starting point is 00:46:57 Is anybody in here want to tell me what kind of stuff do you get when you go trick-or-treating? Lindy, you. You're a talker. What did you get when you went trick-or-treating this year? When I went trick-or-treating this year, I got Snickers and Butterfingers. Those were the two big ones. Must be nice. Must be nice.
Starting point is 00:47:18 When I was a kid, we would go trick-or-treating, and this is the kind of stuff we would get, right? So we would get – you know what a Tootsie Roll is? I think they did away with them in the 50s. But we had these things called Tootsie Rolls, and they were vile on their own. Okay, they were chocolate, I guess. But they were rolled up, and they would hurt your mouth. Okay?
Starting point is 00:47:36 They were always stale. That doesn't sound good. You couldn't get them fresh. I don't think they made them fresh. I think they would put them in a warehouse like Parmesan cheese and let them get hard. And if that weren't bad enough there was a cherry flavor okay and that one really tasted like chapstick it really did it really just tasted like chapstick and i know what you're thinking chapstick and thank you that
Starting point is 00:47:57 thank you lindy that brings me to my next point chapstick is medicine wait sorry mr carl i thought it was supposed to be chocolate flavored. Well, and that's exactly right. But what even is a Tootsie? Turns out, nothing. So you can just make it whatever you like. Now, but there was another... So it was cherry chocolate?
Starting point is 00:48:17 Not at all. Not at all. Actually, in my studies, I've seen flavors of Tootsie Rolls that came in all sorts of colors. They had orange. They had blue. Right. And do you know what the blue was, millhouse-looking boy? Blue raspberry syrup? No.
Starting point is 00:48:36 Vanilla. Why? Nobody could tell you. But it was. Tasted like eating a butter pat. You know? Like when you'd go to a diner and there'd be butter pats on the table? That's what eating one of those was like.
Starting point is 00:48:49 It was horrid. Absolutely horrid. All right, Uncle, why don't we move away from the Tootsie Rolls? I think we've spent enough time on that. Okay, okay. Let me ask another question. You nerdy boy.
Starting point is 00:49:04 Yes. Christmas. Sorry, you nerdy boy. Yes. Christmas. Oh. Sorry, you go. I like to introduce myself. My name is Tyler. All right, Tyler. I respect a young man who knows a thing or two about introductions.
Starting point is 00:49:17 But I have a question for you, Tyler. What do you- Anything, sir. What are you having at Christmas for candy? At Christmas? Well, in my house, sir, we do a lot of baked goods. I don't know necessarily we veer into candy, but I have seen photos of other families' holidays, and they normally have what I believe is called a candy cane, sir.
Starting point is 00:49:40 Yes, you are probably allergic to a lot of stuff, but a candy cane? Does anyone know what flavor a candy cane is? Oh, this was on my mood board because it's really like, it's so cute because like the red and the white, it's peppermint. That's right, but not always. Sometimes they were fruit, and I can't tell you why. And the colors were so subtly different. Basically, the fruit would have a little bit of green in it. And so you'd pick it out of the pile and you'd think,
Starting point is 00:50:09 oh, joy, a candy cane. And you'd eat it. And it was just fruit. What fruit? Nobody knew. It just tasted vaguely like a fruit. Oh, uncle, I would like to add to this. I do remember you have one that you passed down to me
Starting point is 00:50:23 and it was a chocolate flavored candy cane yes disgusting still white somehow but yet tasted like chocolate very unnatural very very unnatural and suggested sort of a deeper flaw yes you young man i have a question uh in my studies i have seen a lot of uh the chocolatefication of the candyfication era. There were what I believe to be chocolate-scented body wash, chocolate-scented chapstick, chocolate foams even. Sir, do you have any insight on to why there was so much chocolate in that time? I have got one particularly twisted anecdote for you. I remember I was 12 years old, and i was bad at brushing my teeth i really was and you can imagine the amount of candy i was eating who else here can relate to that they're
Starting point is 00:51:14 all kind of chuckling you probably have your ai nanny do it now but i'm not gonna i'm not gonna get political i'll get in trouble but i do think that when I was 12 and I wasn't very good at brushing my teeth, my mother took me to the shop. You know, it was called Walgreens. You probably don't remember it. But, yes, we would go to Walgreens. And she let me pick out my own. There's a defunct Walgreens on Maple if you guys want to go see and run around.
Starting point is 00:51:42 Yes, it's a marijuana dispensary. And that's cool to talk about now because it's 2070. But the thing about my trip to the shop with my dear darling mother was that she let me pick my own brush and paste. She said pick your own toothbrush and pick your
Starting point is 00:51:58 own toothpaste and I picked out it was a Spongebob square pants and you would pull in your All dead eyes, they're just like, what? You don't know SpongeBob? Well, that's a story for another time. But it would sing the theme song in my brain as I brushed my teeth, and I don't think it was making the brushing any more effective,
Starting point is 00:52:16 and I don't think it really incentivized me to do it at all, but it was a gimmick, and so we bought it. It lasted probably about two weeks. Anyway, but she let me pick my own paste. And would you believe me if I told you there was a chocolate toothpaste? Can you imagine such a thing? Something that's supposed to be cleaning your teeth that tastes like candy. Can you imagine?
Starting point is 00:52:42 The mind fuck. Sorry. It's okay. It's 2070. You can say that now. We right? fuck. Sorry. It's okay. It's 2070. You can say that now. We right? Okay. I can't keep track.
Starting point is 00:52:49 They're still children. Okay. Anyway. Can you imagine what that does to the brain of a child? To brush your teeth with chocolate every night? As the Spongebob theme song screams into your spine? It was a twisted time. It was a twisted time. It was a twisted time.
Starting point is 00:53:08 And imagine that generation whose lips would get chapped and they'd cover it with root beer float, brushing their teeth with chocolate and licking fruity candy canes into knives and stabbing
Starting point is 00:53:23 each other. Carl. That was the generation that grew up and fought in the Second Civil War in the 2030s. Carl, you do not need to go into this now. We're talking about the Candification Era. We're not talking about... But to talk about the Candification Era... We're not talking about Civil War II.
Starting point is 00:53:43 ...about the direct line to the Candification Era without talking about the direct line to the Candification Era to the Second Civil War is rewriting history. And these kids deserve to know. Carl, outside now. Carl, outside now.
Starting point is 00:53:58 Okay, I overdid it. I overdid it. Sorry, kids. I'm gonna go talk to my Uncle Carl for a second. Yeah, they look rough. They can handle it. Carl. What? We do not need to my Uncle Koff for a second. Yeah, they look rough. They can handle it. Carl. What?
Starting point is 00:54:06 We do not need to talk about the Second Civil War. Some of their parents died in the Second Civil War. Some of my best friends died in the Second Civil War. I don't know what we're talking... You want to lie to them about what the cause was? No, I don't want to lie to them. Carl... That it was about deep-seated generational animosity between... Bullshit! It was about deep-seated generational animosity between... Bullshit!
Starting point is 00:54:26 It was about candy. I was born to a mother and a father whose chocolate-flavored condom broke. So trust me, I know what it's like to grow up with Candification Era trauma, okay? You don't know a damn thing. You think that that chocolate-flavored condom didn't get into my DNA? You think that as I shot through that rubber, that little part of that didn't stick? And I'm the one being in a rope out to sea. Well, you think that didn't stick with me just a little bit?
Starting point is 00:55:03 You think that didn't stick with you just a little bit? So no, I know what you're talking about. And I may not have been alive while you were having the Spongebob theme song playing in your brain. But I know a thing or two about that trauma. I was there on the fucking field. All right? I know. I was there.
Starting point is 00:55:22 I know. Okay. I want them to see the canification era as something interesting and fun and colorful. I don't need you to bring in the darkness of that time. I don't need you to bring in the Hershey's body wash that smelled nothing like chocolate, but everything like a synthetic just gloop that covered your body and did not leave you clean but left you sticky but i feel like you went in the shower you left the shower dirtier than when you got in you're tying my hands because how am i supposed to talk about the hand sanitizer that smelled so unlike anything you've ever smelled in your life, but was supposedly sugarplum fairy scented.
Starting point is 00:56:07 And it would knock you out from miles away without talking about that day when Congress, you know, did the thing. Viola Davis, my woman king. Yes, I remember. I remember. Carl? Sorry, I went away for a second. Where did you go? Well, I went to...
Starting point is 00:56:43 I went back. 2004. I was back. 2004. I was seven years old. And I was trick-or-treating with my mama. Going door-to-door. Getting those hard little tootsie rolls. Looking up at the sky.
Starting point is 00:57:02 We still had ice caps then. They don't even know what ice caps are. Right. Why would you? Let's go back in there. And listen, if you want, you can talk about the vials you would get that kind of looked like science test tubes that were just filled with like green liquid that you would drink and it was just sugar. Right. That made you feel like a mad scientist. You want to talk about those? that were just filled with like green liquid that you would drink and it was just sugar. Right, right. That made you feel like a mad scientist?
Starting point is 00:57:28 Do you want to talk about those? No, no. That reminds me too much of the laboratories. Do you mean the lab toy sets where you could make your own candies and it was just chemicals and sour paste. Remember when you could get candy loose still? You could still go into a store and get candy loose. They shouldn't have been doing that.
Starting point is 00:57:57 It's a different time. It's a different time. People would put their hands in there and grab the candy. They would grab it with their paws. They weren't supposed to, but they would. They would. Kids. Carl, I know.
Starting point is 00:58:10 I know they would. They're mitts. Grubby, grubby mitts. Carl, I think maybe you should go home. Take a rest. I got pretty worked up over this. Maybe once you started talking about Civil War 2, things started to
Starting point is 00:58:27 get a little crazy. Yeah. I could see the connection. Well, thank you for coming in. If you want to say goodbye to the kids on your way out, you can. I know they appreciated you coming in today. Yeah, I'll do that. Hey kids,
Starting point is 00:58:44 Uncle Carl's leaving for the day. I got too worked up. I'm getting put down. No, Carl, no. I'm kidding around. Any kids got any questions before Uncle Carl goes to bed? Um, Mr. Carl? Yeah, one more.
Starting point is 00:59:02 Is it true what they say? What? About the mystery airhead. The one that was the white one. Oh, my son. Was it the best flavor? No. It wasn't any flavor.
Starting point is 00:59:21 And yet, it was all the flavors mixed together. It didn't really taste like anything, and yet it hurt your mouth to eat. It was so sour, and yet it wasn't sour at all. Do you know anything of the Mystery Dum Dum Boy? Oh, yeah, I've been on the quest to find a Mystery Dum Dum for my whole life. Because they started out with the Mystery Dum Dum. It was just the flavors they had extras of, and they couldn't shift. It was the unpopular flavors, right?
Starting point is 00:59:46 You know, your weird ones, your root beer, your cotton candy, your malt. But then they started to get twisted with it and they'd mix the candy together. And then the mystery ones became half cotton candy and half root beer. It was vile, but we ate it anyway because of the mystery. Oh, God, Carl. This reminds me. I know you have to go, but this does remind me of kids. I don't know if you know anything about Harry Potter, but there were these magically flavored.
Starting point is 01:00:13 Mormon. Mormon won. Cover your ears. I'm kidding. Unless that's still a thing. Flavored beans. And they came in every flavor. And so in the cannification era, this jelly bean company
Starting point is 01:00:26 would come out with flavors that tasted like booger. And earwax. Carl. I'm just saying, they were called Beeter Bod, Beeter Dodo, what are they called? Oh, it's time for him to go. Beeter Bops, Birdie
Starting point is 01:00:42 Baby Bees. It's time for Carl to be put down. Beeter Bops, Birdie Baby Bees. It's time for Carl to be put down. Peterbops Birdie Baby Bees. And there was an ass flavor. Don't let anyone tell you there wasn't. I remember the ass flavor. It was my favorite. Tim, time for one more.
Starting point is 01:01:00 I suppose. Okay. This is one for, again, the Dylan's Candy Bar in New York. New York! One star from Kieran G. From whom? Kieran G. Okay.
Starting point is 01:01:17 Kieran G. Kieran G. Kieran. Kier. Kieran. Any day i love i can't think of any kieran god kieran god god one star i couldn't talk to my kids because the music is too loud i couldn't figure out what to get them because nothing has a price on it and most of the candy's generic what a shit show go to the m&m store instead no imagine trying to have a serious conversation with your children like i want
Starting point is 01:02:05 candy swing it's the same issue as the fucking one at the airport the music uh hey kids before before you go off and get the rest of your candy uh yeah you know it's it's my one day with you you know the, the court-mandated day. You know, you're with your mom all the time, and I know I don't get too much time with you. But since we're here, I just want to talk. I just want to talk to you guys. I'm really just, like, I feel like I don't know you as well as I used to. Okay. So, are you happy?
Starting point is 01:02:47 I know that's a big question, but, uh, you know, Peter, how you doing, buddy? Um, yeah, I guess I'm happy. You happy at school? Well, most days. What do you mean, I won't care! What do you mean most days? Well, I days. What do you mean? I want candy. What do you mean most days? Well, I'm just saying. I want candy.
Starting point is 01:03:10 There's this girl. God damn it. Sorry. Wait. Peter. I want candy. And of course, you've got, you know. Wait.
Starting point is 01:03:19 No, no, no, no, no. Peter, Peter, Peter. Back up, back up, back up. Back up. There's a girl you said. There's a girl. Peter. Shit. Can someone turn the music down? Peter. Peter back up back up back up back up. There's a girl you said there's a girl mean to me and Peter Shit, can someone turn the music down?
Starting point is 01:03:28 Peter wait Peter slow down and Peter slow down Oh my god, I'm losing my mind No, no Peter Peter Peter stop Peter stop we need to go over this in depth Please sir, son. I'll be right back. Going up to the front desk. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, sir. Hey, sir.
Starting point is 01:03:50 Sorry, I can barely hear you. I know. Can you turn the music down? We're trying. Something got stuck. Can you please try harder? Just turn the whole thing off. Oh, try harder?
Starting point is 01:04:00 Okay, thanks for the tip, asshole. I'm sorry. I didn't mean... God damn it. I'm trying to talk to my boy okay walk outside you freak I can't he's having too much fun okay can I go back to fixing the music or do you still need me here yes okay Peter buddy I'm sorry I'm sorry what were you saying there's a girl and and you almost hit. No, Peter. Frickin' boss. Have you still been talking this entire time?
Starting point is 01:04:26 Things didn't go well from there. I mean, honest to God. I'm starting to believe again, I think. God, God damn it. How is it louder? Excuse me. Peter, I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
Starting point is 01:04:38 Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Please, can you just turn the whole system off? Turn the whole system off. Turn the whole system off. Oh, really helpful advice. why won't you just do it it is so loud i can't even hear myself think okay oh guys everybody okay i know that um our whole staff is focused on this problem have we tried turning the whole system off oh we have tried that that was actually the first thing we tried okay cool can you just like give us some
Starting point is 01:05:07 space man one day every other week with my son and i'm trying to have a nice day out sure she left for a valid reason man god damn it all right fine i'll take him out drive anyone away whatever fuck you buddy oh okay big man tells it tells a fucking sorryier to fuck off. I'm 17, asshole. I'm upset. Don't fuck yourself. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Can we step outside for a second?
Starting point is 01:05:30 Can we go outside? I'm having a lot of fun. Okay, yeah. Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. If you're having fun, let's stay in here. It really is funny.
Starting point is 01:05:37 I like the atmosphere. How can I hear you perfectly now when you're not talking? Anyway, so that's... I pick him up. Peter, we're going outside just for like 10 seconds. Drop him outside. Peter, Peter, start from the beginning. Okay, so there's a girl and then the teacher hit you or what happened?
Starting point is 01:05:53 Oh, I don't want to tell it all over again. I already got it out. Oh, great. Also, I think we left my sister inside. Oh, that's okay. Mom will come get her later. That's weird. Should we do our last segment?
Starting point is 01:06:11 Let's do it. This shook me all day long. What's been shaking me? Thanks for asking. asking oh you have one today i started re-watching doctor who nerd from the very beginning when i was a little boy a little british boy growing up and i was a british boy and i would go back to england on my summer holidays and 2005 when the reboot first first started happening christopher eccleston the candification era was still going strong exactly billy piper the candification era and my aunt would rent the dvds for the season of doctor the very first season of doctor who i was
Starting point is 01:06:56 seven from the uh library in london and we watched them on her old tv anyway i started re-watching them and there's this very very sweet moment in the fourth or fifth episode where rose my other car is a tortoise where the rose and the doctor are sitting there and they're sort of having their classic banter and she's really reckoning with what it means to like leave her family behind and go and travel with the doctor doctor and she sort of playfully slaps him and he goes ow and she goes you're so gay and it when i say when i say to you when i tell you that it sent me through the fucking roof to the planet moon and around the fucking universe and back again what year was that 2005 and i mean like that was the episode like that the episode from oh set in present day 2005 and she says you're so gay in like a playful bants way and i just think it's so funny because it it just it places it in time
Starting point is 01:08:08 so perfectly and and it's just it sent me through the roof and it like it really brought me back to reality a little bit because i was like i was really lost in the nostalgia sauce and i was like this is perfect they don't make they don't make tv like this anymore man that is so fucking bonkers and i was like in my head i was like this was for children like this is a kid's tv okay that is crazy and it's like british tv you know what i mean you can get away with a little bit more than you can on american tv and stuff but i was like the idea that a kid a family tv show that you could still say that in 2005 and it was like absolutely absolutely he's so gay absolutely look at him he's wearing a leather jacket crazy it was pretty fucking funny um damn yeah um
Starting point is 01:09:01 i have two i have one really quick one and then one that's been really shaken me one quick one we haven't talked since the Oscars and Al Pacino I know this is old news but Al Pacino Al Pacino reading My Eyes See Oppenheimer is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life
Starting point is 01:09:19 not only the actual My Eyes See Oppenheimer but it's a couple beats later as the camera cuts away from him into the audience to see the production team of Oppenheimer getting up. You just hear Al Pacino go, what happened? And it is the funniest because he's not on screen when he says it. And it's as if the man woke up from a sleep and realized that he was handing out an Oscar.
Starting point is 01:09:44 It's the funniest thing I've ever... That's up there. My I see Oppenheimer. That's up there with Adele Dazeem. Yes. What happened? What happened? It's amazing. The other thing that's been shaking me, I was driving the other day.
Starting point is 01:10:00 I was listening to Beyonce and then I re-listened to Lemonade for the first time in a while okay shit's a masterpiece that shit's a masterpiece what's shaking me is just I fucking love Beyonce holy hell it's just listening to Lemonade
Starting point is 01:10:16 I'm like this really is one of the best it's just so good it's just so good that's just been shaking me yeah absolutely do you like the new stuff? The best. It's just, it's so good. It's just so good. That's just been shaking me. Yeah, absolutely. And there's one. Do you like the new stuff?
Starting point is 01:10:29 I do. I do. Oh, my God. I'm so excited for Cowboy Carter. I'm so excited for, which is Act 2 of Renaissance, if y'all don't know. But I'm very excited. But just Lemonade, go back. Go back and give it a full full listen you
Starting point is 01:10:47 have to listen to it in order um and also it is a visual album bitch go watch those music videos it's just it's so good and i just no one's doing it like her nobody is nobody is i'm glad that in classic review review fashion i'm i. Mine is a homophobic scene from a 20 year old TV show. And yours is the artist Beyonce. And what happened?
Starting point is 01:11:16 What happened? Uh, you can find Alf on Instagram at alfredinnit. You can find the show on Instagram at rreviewreview. Reddit, r slash review review.
Starting point is 01:11:23 Head gum, discord, review, review. And Jeff and I have a Patreon, patreon at r slash Review Review, HeadGum, Discord, Review Review. And Jeff and I have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. Bye. Oh, my co-host Riley Anspaugh? Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 01:11:42 Yeah, you can find her on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley Riley and spot and on twitter.com now known as xxxxx dot com singles in your area at Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it actually is a fun fact I just realized
Starting point is 01:12:00 we forgot to set an attention of course right in that moment the final wrap up I forgot anyway as we say every single week on the show you're so gay you're so gay
Starting point is 01:12:20 we'll see you next week time lord bye We'll see you next week. Time Lord. Bye.

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