Review Revue - Egg Nog 3

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

On this week's episode of Review Revue, Geoff and Reilly bring back a Holiday tradition for one last time before the new year; reading reviews on EGG NOG. Join the gang on this very special episode as they attempt baby talk, transition their review publication to porn, escape to Switzerland, and call action.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. I mean, when you've got reviews like this.

And spy is warm. And spy is rosy. Review, review. What's new with me is, well, glee. Jeff is a storm. Gabrus is cozy. Review Review Review Cozyness is something we're constantly trying to achieve.

Review Review Review Are you in cozies? The podcast, it shines. What bliss. Review, review. What a weird way to start this. With a lie? We don't have a theme song.

Hilarious lies. Like this. The kind of thing where it's like an aquarium's like, you can adopt an otter. And like the otter lives at the aquarium, but you're like, that's my otter. And you wish it would eat that. Everyone winks. Jeffrey is nosy. Review, review.

Number of sexual partners in your life. Review. We're talking full penetration? Fuel brings the tapes and I'll bring the posy. Review, review. Give me the juice. Give me the juice Mike's way. One is lonely and two is boring.

Third host Murph, you keep ignoring. Review. Your parents' divorce is going to be on one of the hats. Review. Murphy, keep ignoring review. Your parents' divorce is going to be on one of the hats. Review. Every year, Denton picks exactly what I want to see painted me mine. Nolan Murphy, more like unemployed fucker. He couldn't think of anything clever and best when he has no job. Review, review.

That was a Nolan Murphy banger. Of course it was. It was a company banger. It was side by side. That came in last year. Are you serious? That was going to say. This was the theme song that he's been wanting us to play for like a year.

It's fantastic. And I was going to say like those, I'm like, whoa, those are some deep cuts. Yeah. Like the aquarium episode. Like those are some some those are some deep cuts I'm sobbing I'm fully sobbing I would be if my eyes would let me it was so it's so funny that that oh my god I'm already crying it's so funny that that theme song it's so stupid Nolan I love it it's so stupid it's so brilliant but I think because it's from last year like

the timing of that is so funny with all of those references to older episodes and like Trenton and Denton and like you know all that stuff because this is our last oh my god not our last episode together but like our last regular coming on doing a review

you know we're doing the two best ofs but yeah this is our last like normal yeah and you'll be on like i'm gonna make you come on all the time but like it's the last one with you with just us too and um yeah it's really crazy the news came out today yeah it's been it's it's it's really crazy. The news came out today. Yeah. It's trippy recording this episode the day we announced it. Yeah, it's really crazy. But, yeah, I mean, we have so much time for reminiscing. I know. I know.

I know. So I'm not going to do it yet. I'm not going to do it yet. But it is really. I'm so focused on, like, last one's got to be good. So I'm feeling nervous. I haven't felt nervous on like last one's got to be good. Yeah. So I'm feeling nervous. I haven't felt nervous for one of these in a while. That's so funny.

But yeah, so that's what's new really today is that the news came out. And I'd say it's been on the whole positive responses. I think it's been very positive. Like people being like understandably sad, but like happy that it's been very positive like people being like understandably sad but like happy for the future which is how i feel like yeah i'm same sad it's trippy it's like also this show has we've released it at least once a week sometimes twice a week for three years so like even hearing those old bits it's like i remember what i was doing when we were recording those episodes i remember where i was in my life. And three years is long enough.

Like, this was during the pandemic. We started this show in January 2020. It's been almost three full years. Like, that's a long time to kind of go through a regeneration as a person in that time. And it's like, yeah, when we started this, I was, like, really sad. And this show was, like, just with where I was in life at that point and things that were happening in my personal life so like this show really did get me

through the pandemic and life feels very different now and it's just weird to look back on like starting this episode the beginning of January 2020 and now ending it basically beginning of January 2023 or at least me leaving it's sad but I think the reaction's been basically beginning of January 2023, or at least me leaving.

It's sad, but I think the reaction's been positive with a bittersweet tinge, and I think that's how I feel is I'm excited to see the show's evolution, and I'm excited to listen to the show, like to episodes that I wasn't on. Yeah, that's gonna be wild. We've never done an episode that hasn't included both you and me.

Like we've recorded sketches where it's like, you know, one of us either has COVID or... Yeah. I guess that's it. But also, like, I started doing the sketches before you, like,

started working at HeadGum. So, like, that was, like, we've done different combinations of that. We've never done Review Review without both of us. So I'm excited. And it'll also probably be a little sad to like listen to an episode that i have no idea what happened on it but i think mostly exciting and then alf and i will have you on as a guest you'll be able to guest which will be crazy yeah it'll be crazy um also alf is so excited i talked to

him today and like we're both just like it's very bittersweet and very exciting. And like, yeah, I cannot stress enough how the show is very much not ending. It's just review, review part. Well, two.

Review, review, review, review, review, review, review, review,

review, review, review, review, review, review, review, review,

and Alf is so excited. From everything I've been reading, everyone's really excited about it continuing on with Alfred. I think also, like you and I said, like, and this is something we didn't say last week but just how much thought we put into this transition in general but also the

selecting of the new host like uh i think what people are sad about is like losing our friendship on the show and our chemistry but that also isn't going away it's just shifting like i don't think y'all understand it's so funny i had a conversation so alf and i um we talk on the phone i would say almost every day maybe every other day um and whenever we talk we talk for at least an hour today we only talk for like 20 minutes because it was just my drive home from head gum alf posted on his story today he's like i'm excited yeah i saw that he's like i'm excited to take over jeffrey's job and also for riley and my phone calls to be come public and monetized um and yeah like the dynamic i mean it's like you know every relationship is different jeff and i have our own special

chemistry and friendship but also alph and i have our own special chemistry and friendship and i'm so excited to bring you guys into that because it's stupid and brilliant. And I love it. I'm so excited. But yeah, crazy. Surreal. But it's not over yet. We have three fucking episodes left.

So Riley, stop crying. Because once we get drunk and record the best of episodes, then I can really let it rip. We've got work to do. We've got work to do we've got work we have some we have some improv to do today uh riley was like what should we do like it's the last normal episode and i couldn't think of something better and more fitting than i think it's the only staple that we've done three years in a row i get maybe haunted houses but i don't remember yeah i guess we've done three Haunted Houses. Yeah. But we did the third one, so.

We have our seasonal bits that we do. Yeah. And this is one of them. This was, was Nogspurt the first eggnog or the second eggnog? It had to have been. I think the first one.

The first. Mm-hmm. Nogspurt Mouthfeel. And that's a name. And then he went into tasting eggnog. It's a name and a job yeah yeah you can't but it just happened to work out that way like noxford no there's no way is mouthfeel like noxford

is his name and it just he just happened to fall into the job of tasting passion for that there's no way nope that was it jeff between last year and now any eggnog experience I think I said this on the first one and maybe last one too but like one of our mainstay traditions in my family is we make my mom and I make homemade eggnog and then we all decorate the tree

so I'm doing that in like 12 days I think or 13 days from now are you excited to taste that sweet sweet eggy cream on your lips? Well the eggnog we make is kind of just like a big milkshake like it definitely has a little bit of that eggnog tang but it's not like the store bought eggnog which I think

is just real eggnog. It's not that eggnog thang. It has the eggnog tang but it's not that eggnog thang. Exactly right. It is that thang but it's not that eggnog thang. But so you have to have both. You have to have the James' homemade eggnog and then but so you have to have both you have to have the the james's homemade eggnog and then you also have to have like i don't know clover i hardly know clover i hardly know or i was just in sonoma and apparently clover is like a hometown hero to them oh that's fucking awesome you don't think that you don't think that that's not your truth i kind of appreciate the performative response

but i don't think that's the coolest shit i've ever heard actually would you say clover's huge in sonoma clover's a hometown here for sonoma dude i want to like text five people i know and tell them that uh i want i want you to text five people you know right now in a group chat saying Clover's Sonoma's hometown hero. Eggnog wise. Great. And then first and last name of the people you're texting. I'm going to do a group of three. Is that okay?

Okay. That's fine. I'm doing Daniel Rashid, Elizabeth Valenti, and Robert Rashid. Okay. Hold on. Clover is a hometown hero. The hometown. Is the hometown hero.

Of Sonoma. Of Sonoma. California. California, yeah. And then we'll hear their response. I'm not gonna give any context. I almost said this is a review review bit, but okay. And I'll let you guys know as the responses come in. Elizabethabeth has been texting me about something all day and i have not texted her back about it but i did send to her a clover it's the hometown hero of sonoma california she like got mad she texted something didn't respond she goes okay cool i send so no

clover she'll be like what the fuck i don't respond to anybody ever. That's true. Until days later. I feel really special because you respond to me. It's either we're texting back and forth all day or you're dead for a week. Yes, 100 percent. Because I'm either not doing anything or I'm doing a lot. But I used to be like, oh, I want to be better at texting. And I'm like, no, I don't think anyone has to be. We got Daniel reacted to the message with a question mark.

What's he confused about? I don't know. That's such a failed text when no text response, just a question mark react. That's devastating to me. But anyway, the TLDR is that I make my homemade eggnog and you got to also do store-bought. But you can't go crazy because that shit will kill you. Jesus Christ. What about you?

What's in the last calendar year your eggnog experience? I would say in the past calendar year, I have had nary a sip of that eggy nog stuff. Really? the past calendar year i have had nary a sip of that eggy nog stuff really nary a taste of the tang thing has touched my tongue that surprises me you didn't have like a june gloom did i drink eggnog in june did you like like if you drink eggnog in June, I would describe that as emotionally gloom. That is upsetting. Daniel changed his question mark to a heart. All right. I'll take it.

I'll take it. Again, I feel like I've said this every year. The concept of eggnog sounds delightful. And it is. If I have more than one sip, I will throw up, I think. Really? It's that thick stuff. It's that thick, creamy goodness.

No, it's that thick, creamy goodness. It's like, it's not a milkshake. There's a thing. I love a milkshake. Riley? Don't talk to me like that! It's that thick, creamy goodness! Hey, Riley. Riley.

Riley. It's that thick, creamy goodness. Come on. Isn't it? Say it. Riley. Riley. It's that thick, creamy goodness. Come on. Isn't it? Say it. Riley. Riley. Look at my dog.

Riley. Riley. Riley. It's that thick, creamy goodness. It's that thick, creamy goodness. It's that thick, creamy goodness. But I am excited. Like, I'm really feeling like I'm coming into a hot cocoa era.

Is that crazy to say? I really feel like it. I really feel like I'm coming into a hot cocoa era. You got to relax. Have you had any? Not yet this season. Right. So you have to relax.

No, but I'm saying I'm coming into it. Okay, okay, okay. It hasn't. And I think that's especially because I'm going to be doing the holidays in the Midwest. And so it's been, I'm going to have a white Christmas, fingers crossed. It's going to be chilly. Well, it's going to be a white Christmas either way because of the Rashids. Caucasian household.

I'm dreaming of a mixed Christmas. Half Portuguese, half white. You don't know where their shades are from no i'm dreaming of a world where they're half from porto uh got it from porto or puerto rico there's a different places i said portuguese oh no i thought you said puerto rican no no All right. I'm not dreaming of that. Got it. I know all I need to know about you.

Should we, like... We should do it. I'm also like, do I order eggnog right now? But I... It will not come before we finish. I think it might. I kind of have, like, three reviews. I don't think that it will arrive before we're done recording. Well, I'm also like it's December 6th.

And if I start drinking eggnog now, the floodgates are open. I'm going to be drinking it like every other day for the entire month. That is crazy to me. No, no one can have that. Right. That's too much of that creamy stuff. That, Riley. Riley. It's too much of that creamy stuff. That, Riley. Riley.

It's too much of that thick, creamy what? I'm going to try to hear your name. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. What? That thick, creamy goodness. That's what I'm saying.

No, you don't get it. I know it's that thick, creamy goodness. Jeff, because this is our last Normal Ep with you on as a co- have like do you want to do all of your reviews because you were like spending some time on them i'm happy to read some of mine but i was spending time on them they're not all like 10 out of 10 reviews i think the improv will be good but i'm still down for you to i want to this is just like any other that's how i want to be special this is just like none of this well how about you kick us off then? One, sorry, five stars.

Okay. Hood Golden Eggnog. This person doesn't have a name at all. Why don't you give him a full- Nogspurt Mouthfeel. This is a review from Nogspurt himself. Nogspurt Mouthfeel, five stars. The title is Wish It Weren't Just Seasonal. Do we have- This review is from March.

I liked using it as a coffee creamer. Also liked using it with a little bourbon. But not available except during the holiday season. Perhaps a few weeks afterwards. Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart. happy valentine's day honey do you want a drink let me get you a drink let me get you a drink oh you're the best you're the best give me kiss give me kiss oh i love your dry kisses i would love a drink. No, I'm going to surprise you. What? I'm going to surprise you. What?

You hear like dry cardboard cartoning open. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Not again. Two eggnogs. With a little bit of bourbon. Oh, you are so silly, Lucas. Can't wait to get sexy with you tonight.

Can't wait to get sexy with you tonight. Can't wait to get sexy with you tonight. Oh, me too. It's gonna be so sexy. But you know what? Drink up, babe. Oh, oh, oh. Hold on. Hold on.

Before we get so sexy. Before we get so sexy tonight. How about a diff? Oh, what if we had two little different Twinkies? What if we had... I'm like touching your lips with my finger. What if we had maybe a margarita? Or maybe...

My face drops. Well, turn that... I'm pulling up the corner of your mouth. Turn that phone upside down. Turn that... Ooh, give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. What's wrong?

You love a margarita. I don't know if I feel like doing Valentine's anymore. What do you mean not doing Valentine's? It's Valentine's Day. Then why aren't you having the drink? Can we sit down for a sec? We've been standing all day. Yes, what?

I love you so much. These have been the best three months of my life. I... I just... It's February and the Christmas season ended. It's February! And we live in Boca Raton.

The eggnog only. I know. But it's so muggy. Not as muggy as it's gonna be. Putting your finger up too much let me finish oh baby you can feel a dairy film it is consistently humid outside I want to get a buzz on I want to get sexy I want to get sexy with you but but I would love a drink that isn't dairy based please

I would love just like something refreshing something that gets me jazzed gets me all boozed up and ready to have sex ready to have sex with you on Valentine's Day can we compromise alright I'll cut the nog with more bourbon it'll be

more watery for you no that's gonna be watery and bourbon is kind of like a warming spirit and also thick egg stuff. I don't, I just want, you can drink eggnog, that's fine. I just don't want one. They only sell this shit from like Thanksgiving to this week, alright?

And yes, it's muggy outside, but this is bokeh, alright? In July, it's like walking through walls when you walk outside. Right. I don't want the nog then. I get it. I get it. But before we get all sexy, I want to be full of

my favorite nog. Which is egg. That's okay. That's great. I think it's awesome. Listen, I don't have the stomach for it. I don't have it. It's wet outside and have the stomach for it. I don't have it. It's wet outside and I don't want it to be wet inside my body. So I want something that's a little sharper, like maybe a citrus based thing.

You can drink it if you want. I just want something different. I feel like a, I look like a, I feel like a, I'm sorry. I feel like a fat ass drinking the eggnog alone. Jesus. No, stop that. I love like a fat ass drinking the eggnog alone. Jesus. No, stop that. I love how much you love it. I've never met someone like you ever.

I've never met someone. We've only been dating for three months. I don't want you to see the ugly sides of me on Valentine's. And if you don't drink the nog with me, my ugly side's going to come out. Listen. I'd grab your face with my hands it just feels like milk listen oh my god i i oh my god i'm bashful now because i know it's only been three months but like i've been wanting to say it for a while and i feel like now's the right time but i i love you

lucas i love nod too i oh oh i i know i love you i love y-o-og, too. I, oh, oh. I, no, I love you. I love Y-O-U. The way you feel about me is the way I feel about this drink. And if you drink the drink, I'll feel the way about you that you feel about me. I don't know if I heard you correctly. It sounds like what you're saying is that you are only going to love me if I drink the eggnog, too. But that can't be right. You're exactly right.

But it's not that I'm not gonna love you unless you drink the eggnog. It's just that it'll expedite the process. How do you feel about me right now? If you had to say. I'm halfway there. I'm halfway there. The eggnog is gonna seal the deal. The eggnog can be the final nail in the coffin of love.

And what if I don't drink the nog? What happens then? I pooped you on the nose. What happens then if I don't drink it? Then I won't drink the nog, and then I'm going to spend Valentine's Day. I'll be very sexy. And then I'll fall in love with you in another six weeks. Oh. Well, then I'm not going to have any eggnog. I'm fine to wait six weeks if you're going to say you love me then.

Because it sounds like you already do. I just don't want to say it. And it sounds like you're kind of emotionally manipulating me. But I'm not going to drink it. There's no strings attached. There's no strings attached. It's truly just what will expedite the process. I currently do not love you.

But I might in six to eight weeks, if I know my emotional timeline right. And I think I do. Are you okay? Why are you talking like that? You, I thought we were doing a thing. We were doing a thing. Are you choking? I'm talking cute like this.

Oh, I'm so cute talking like this. I'm talking cute. My God. Listen. I do love you. What? Yes. But I think there's a difference between unconditional love and conditional love, right?

I don't conditionally. I don't love you at all yet. I love you half of the way. No, I'm talking about me. Okay. I'm talking about me. I'm talking about me. Okay. I'm talking about me. I'm listening. It's like, until you did what you just did, I was willing to overlook the eggnog. I was willing to overlook all of that creamy, thick stuff.

But that voice was tough to hear. I don't have to do the voice. I thought I was doing exactly, like, say something in your voice. I'll match the voice. Oh, I'm doing this voice. Oh, I'm doing this voice oh I'm doing this right do you hear the difference I do but I'm trying so hard to literally match you does that make sense yeah it does no don't like sigh that way because it sounds like you're like starting to give up on the relationship I think it just like, maybe I don't know what love is.

Maybe I thought- Give me one more shot. Give me one more shot and maybe he sips with a dog. I don't know what the right thing to do is at this point. I feel torn. Hey, just come here. Come here. Would you come here for a second?

What? Leans in for a kiss. The dairy film is even worse. It's like creating a bubble. When he pulls away, it's like a cheese pull of spit, but it's clearly dairy-based. I think I'm going to end things here. I think it's not going to go anywhere. Kidding me?

I just want to of the voice. The dairy stuff is really hard to look past. I thought we were gonna be all sexy. Oh, God. I thought we were

gonna have a little sexy time. I wanted to, like, have a ton of sex. After drinking the dog. After drinking the dog. Forget it. He takes yours and his,

drinks them both at the same time. Steps outside, gets taken away by a fork of mosquitoes in Boca. Au revoir forever! Now that's Boca. Now that's bokeh. Dropped into the mouth of an alligator. Of course! Yes! Let's take a break.

Thank some sponsors. Whatever. Get some cash. Get some ass. What's that? And get some ass. And get some ass. Yeah. Get some egg. Get some nog. What's that? And get some ass. And get some ass. Yeah.

Get some egg. Get some nog. And we'll be right back. Ourback. Ourback. That sounded like you said hour back which I think is just a name doing that voice that's the

cringiest thing I've ever done in my entire life I think I don't think so and I wore a fedora on a cruise what cruise line was that? Carnival I was a child I thought it looked cool Carn that? Carnival. I was a child. I thought it looked cool. Carnival or Carnival?

Carnival. But it was not during Carnival. I would only ever go on a Carnival cruise during Carnival. And miss Carnival on the Carnival cruise. That's the only thing I would miss Carnival for. Is it Carnival? Okay. That's what I'm saying.

This is five stars for 365 Whole Foods brand grade A eggnog. Ew. Sorry. I was thinking of the nog. Ew. The name, no last name, first name, Objective. Objective Darren. Objective Darren.

And they've always called him that. Five stars. Objective Darren. The title, Me called him that. Five stars. Objective Darren. The title, Meets Tough Standards. Okay. We'll watch for it in 2021. You know, here at Food & Wine Magazine, there's a lot of incredible, incredible contenders this year

for kind of like top restaurants, Michelin star, all these incredible foods. I mean, like groundbreaking culinary techniques and experiences. Wouldn't you say, wouldn't you say Albie? I think there's one thing that stands out this year for me. I think we both know exactly what it is. All right.

Three, two, one. George Perrone's new pop-up in Mexico City. No. Strauss. Strauss. Sorry. I thought you would get it from that. I thought we were going to say it at the same time.

Strauss extra thick creamy dairy dog. We're on a panel this guy right all these chefs like oh classic this guy no all right so i guess i'll go first is like george perot like when he brought this incredible really empanada centered pop-up um to mexico city it was really like kind of groundbreaking. Bad in comparison to Strauss. It was really bad in comparison to Strauss. I had both. Alright? We taste the same restaurants. Who you gonna trust? Who you gonna trust? Me!

Listen, that's what you... Fuck you guys! Obviously! Raise your hand if you've tried Strauss. Like 30 people. Oh, okay. And you guys think this George thing is better? Everyone's kind of not.

Shit. No, clearly Chef Alvy is playing a big old prank, end of the year prank of the watch list for 2021. No, but for real, man, like you have been around the world this year multiple times. You've been traveling like crazy. You have tasted some of the most incredible food that this planet has to offer. I know. And some of the chefs that you've tried are here today.

And I know everyone's on vated bread. And congratulations to them for me having tried their food. Because I know that me doing that is a big deal to chefs. Well, don't be an asshole, but it is a big deal. I'm not being an asshole. I'm just like shook. And this is like my reaction to that. I had a glass that was kind of frosted. All right.

Someone had put it in a freezer so that it got all cold. Into that glass went the Strauss. And it was topped with just a pinch of nutmeg and garnished with a cinnamon stick. And that was better than any empanada that I can have

in CDMX. Okay? Because I'd rather have Ian in my glass. Everybody, thank you so much for coming to this panel. We are going to take a quick, super quick break. And while we are heading in the wings,

you know what? I think actually Gordon Ramsay's here. Gordon, if you want to teach everybody how to do an omelette, I guess, we will be right back. We're not ending it.

We'll be out in a second. Cut backstage. I mean, obviously we need to talk about what happened. Yeah, we do. You're supposed to be interviewing me. You're supposed to be making me look good. I'm trying to. Why not just agree with the eggnog thing?

Because that is an affront to what we do. That is an affront to Food and Wine magazine. That is an affront to every chef, all of their hard work, all of the incredible, incredible food you've had. Oh, bullshit. These chefs are coming in here. Bullshit. Yes, they come in here.

It's a dick measuring contest. Their mics are on and you see them in the arena. Everyone's like, what? First of all, they've all got small ones. You know that. Oh, stop it. Why else would they be out of context? That's an old wives' tale about these chefs, okay?

I don't know if that's completely true. Well, I've seen a couple of them, all right? You're having sex with them too? No, we go to the same gym. We go to the same gym. And you know what I want after I lift weights? Surely not eggnog. Eggnog!

There's some protein in there. What was the point of bringing that up? That was me being completely honest. That was me being completely honest. Then you have just lied. You know what? It's going to make us look. I have never lied on this channel before.

It is going to make us look like a joke. No, it's not. It's going to make Food and Wine Max look like a joke. Guess who's going to be at the front page of CNN tomorrow? Jeannie Moose or whatever her name is, is going to do a piece on how food and wine magazines must try dish of the year is Strauss Creamy Delicious Egg. We're going to be a laughing stock in the culinary world.

We're going to make headlines. And that's all that matters these days. No, no, it's not. Not all press is good press. That is a myth. that matters these days no no it's not not all press is good press that is a myth if we have bad press it's bad press bad press is bad press all all press is press bad press is bad press good press is good press okay and all fine dining is fine dining it's all fine dining right some of sometimes you just want a thick that's true i'm not agreeing with that no you went from... No, I'm not agreeing with you on that.

What are you saying? If I was like, oh, my dish of the year is this shitty dive bar burger. That would be fine, but I can't say that I enjoy a nice, thick, dairy glass of naan. I think that is fine. There's a difference between, oh, I really like this snack, I really like this drink, and this is the most groundbreaking dish of 2020. Do you see the difference? Can you at least hear that? Can you understand what I'm saying?

Like, I fucking love Skittles. I love Skittles. I taste the rainbow every single time I have them. I wish I could eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm a Skittle fiend. Then write an article about that. No, because that's crazy. Because

someone at Vulture should do that. Here at Food & Wine Magazine, I'm not going to do an op-ed about how Skittles are groundbreaking in the candy world. I think returning to the simple pleasures of life would be groundbreaking for this magazine. Because all we ever do is talk about hoity-toity

nonsense. That's the first good point you've made all day. What about Vogue? What about Vogue? Doing a piece on, like, the merits of tighty-whities. That'd be interesting to me. I don't care about ball mane. I care about as thick as you can possibly get it, dairy in a glass.

Like, I want it to be, like, chewable. What? Sorry, I want it to be, like, chewable. What? Sorry, gentlemen. We just, we were, your mics are on. It seemed pretty obvious. You can hear yourselves in here from the speakers. But a lot of us were talking out there, and we were just thinking, like, you know,

Chef Albie is right. This magazine is, you know, a lot of people might see it as elitist and not really helpful to cooking and food for the masses. And it's not really accessible. So why don't we make the cover story Strauss's extra thick and creamy eggnog? I think it could really get magazines off the shelves. Cut to the photo shoot day for the cover shoot. All right, darling, and I just need you to be as thick as humanly possible.

Channel your inner Kim Kardashian, then. He's talking to a court carton of eggnog. It's giving me nothing to work with. Editor, editor. Yeah. It's not me nothing to work with. Editor. Editor. Yeah. It's not even moving. Can you just... I can move it for you. Is there a specific position that you want me to put it in?

I want this to be the sexiest short of eggnog ever. I want to see it come out as thick as day. I want it to be as dairy as it's ever been. Yeah, dairy. You're writing down dairy as it's ever been. We dairy writing down dairy as it's ever been we are not retouching i don't do that shit no retouching no photoshop just natural beauty of dairy and thickness in a glass i couldn't agree more i know exactly what you mean shared vision the cover is like the carton is booksome the carton has human breasts and is wearing a thong it's like pouring out of the carton and then

forms into the shape of a really of a lumpuous woman yeah food and wine magazines now in like the porn section at airports in like the plastic sealed bag to cut to the waiting room of a sperm donation clinic um 14 guys all have the same magazine tucked under their shoulder you know we we have some material to help you get going in the room if uh if there's anything we can get for you. Oh, no, that's all right. I got everything I need right here. A mom finds food in one magazine under her teenage son's bed. What is this?

It's nothing. Stop. But it's food. I want to be a chef. Tyler. What? I just, I thought this was going to have to wait until we're older, but just sit down. Oh my God.

I didn't even do anything. It's Food Wine Magazine. Are you kidding me? A married couple. They've been married for 20 years. I just, I mean, you clearly don't even want me anymore i do want you no i i got this i didn't mean to hide it from you it was just you saw it before i could tell you that i thought maybe we could read it together to spice things up a bit okay

well i didn't know i didn't know i thought you would judge me for it i didn't know what you were gonna think hayley i would never ever judge you especially not for this this promise nog is normal all right and it's separate from our sex life but we could also enjoy it together i would love to explore that with you i really would love to open up our sexual world and experiences and enjoy the cover of the end of 2020 edition of Food and Wine Magazine with you. Cut to a punk dive bar. Guy kind of drunk bursts into the bathroom. Goes to the urinal. Looks up.

There's like taped over all the nudie cutouts is like just the nog itself. Yeah. That's awesome. Nog is sexiest woman of the year. It gets an AVN award. Signed by Wilhelmina Models. Cast in euphoria the spillage of dairy

oh my god is Angus Cloud's new roommate in slow-mo with like purple lighting yeah liquid fluctuating dairy um all right still don't know my name this is a five-star review from kathy this is of califia farms almond milk seasonal nog baits kathy bates five stars for those who have issues with milk this almond milk eggnog is delicious well not as creamy as a real eggnog the flavor is enough to give the holiday feeling add some libations and you won't really care well worth

the price anyway um what did you say your name was sorry Sorry, I've been talking forever. No, it's okay. I'm Sarah. How do you know Devin? I know Devin through work. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. He's a great guy. How do you know Devin again? I definitely feel like I didn't get gouged, even though it's an alternative nog. What did you say?

Sorry, what did you say? Did you ask me something? I was saying, how do you know Devin? Try some of this. Try some of this. Hold it this oh whoa uh sorry i'm i'm actually i'm uh i'm vegan uh this is vegan oh uh i guess i'm just not really in the mood for for that right now i'm good i i what about it makes you not in the mood for it. What are you worried it's going to taste like? I don't really, I guess the flavor profile is not really for me. It's also July. It doesn't taste like the flavor profile you want it to not be.

You don't know what I, sorry, not to be rude, but it's like you don't know what tastes I like. You know Devin. I do know Devin. And again, I don't know how you know Devin. And so you're at his baby shower. And that's why I was wondering. It's like how you know Devin and how you know Jamie. I met Devin. I do know Devin. And again, I don't know how you know Devin. And so you're at his baby shower. And that's why I was wondering. It's like how you know Devin and how you know Jamie. I met Devin at a focus group.

Oh, for what? It was for Califia Farms almond milk. I feel like I could have guessed that. Yeah. No, that was dumb of me to ask. It's definitely worth the price. What do you do? I'm sorry.

Remind me of your name again. Oh, my name is Lyson. Lyson. Lyson. That's an interesting name. What's remind me of your name again oh my name is lizen lizen lizen that's an interesting name what's the origin of that name um well my mother was like when she named me she was like well the truth is in this baby she was kind of what and she she said the truth was in me and so she said the truth lies in the baby that was what she said to the doctor when the doctor was like what's the name and so then my name legally became lies in but you can call me

lies um what truth is in you did she say haven't quite figured that out oh i'm not quite that's quite a big undertaking that she gave you with that name, huh? Yeah, I've tried to not see it as some kind of destiny, you know, because it's kind of a lot of pressure for me. Hard not to. The truth lies in you. If we could just focus on the drink that I'm holding, I really feel like it's delicious. Sorry, I know we just met, but we got personal really quickly, and you tried forcing a vegan eggnog into me. Not forcing, but yeah. I just have to ask, like, do you feel like you are really attaching yourself emotionally to this drink

so as not to think about kind of the big life journey that your mother set ahead for you by giving you the name that you have? I didn't hear anything you just said because I kind of knew where the sentence was going. So then I started to kind of tune into my taste buds in terms of the creaminess of it. I think it's incredible to have a nut milk, which is essentially water based drink like this kind of a dairy paste. I'd love for you to try it. I honestly, I, why don't you hear, I'll add some libations and you won't even really care.

Pour some bourbon in. I do care. I just don't really want to drink it. I honestly, I, why don't you, here, I'll add some libations and you won't even really care. Pour some bourbon in. I do care. I just don't really want to drink it. What do you want then? What do you want? I want this conversation to be over. Because. Great.

Oh. Nice to meet you, Lyson. Hey, Devin. Yeah. Devin. Can you come here for a second? Yeah, what's up? Yeah.

First of all, beautiful party. Congratulations to you and Jamie. Thanks. I have to ask, Lysen, what's their story? Her mom kind of named her a quest. No, I know, I know that. So then what's with the milk? That's just kind of her current obsession, I think.

I met her at this focus group and she said, this is going to be my new current obsession. So that's what I figured it was. And are you guys like friends? We hooked up, but that's, yeah. Oh, she's, yeah. And Jamie's cool with Liza being here? Jamie just during the pregnancy just hasn't felt very sexually,

um, active. And so she actually encouraged me to go. Oh, you had, you hooked up with Lysen like recently. It was, well,

the focus group was like a month ago. So I think it was like that weekend. Oh my God. It was good. It, well, you know, I don't need to do it again.

Not judging, you know, as long as like you and Jamie are cool with that. I will say she had a, I shouldn't even say this, but, you know, and I'm not shaming her, but she had like a lactation kink and it came out so thick that there has to be something eggy about that.

And, you know, don't get me wrong, like I was a good little boy. No, you know what? Devin, I don't think, we don't need to, you know what? We me wrong like I was a good little boy no you know what Devin I don't think we don't need to you know what we are work friends and I think that yeah but we're not at work right but it's gonna be hard

for me to go back to FedEx tomorrow and work behind the desk with you and knowing that you said to my face I drank my milkies like a good little boy can you see how that's hard for me I guess so and knowing that you said to my face, I drank my milkies like a good little boy. Can you see how that's hard for me? I guess so.

Sorry, I thought we were closer than that, but that's fine. No, we're not. It's okay. It's okay to make that mistake. What is your deal, by the way? Because I've watched you around this party. All you've had is complaints. Like, Liza's nice.

I'm having a beautiful time. It looked like she was offering you a drink of her eggnog no you you that might be what it looked like from the outside but from what really happened is like she was like getting mad at me for not wanting to try it and that doesn't sound like lizen well then i guess you don't know lizen because that's literally i barely know lizen and that's what happened within like the first two minutes of meeting her it's just you kind of do this right like you go into things with negative expectations i don't i'm a realist every time at work somebody comes in and says do you think this will fit and they show you a box you're like probably not but we can try and then

we try them what happens and then it doesn't fit it's like 50 50 sometimes it does fit okay i think that scenario like sure could i be a little bit more chipper at work and try to be more optimistic even if i know the dimensions and i know it's not gonna fit that can be different than like i wasn't going into that conversation with with lizen like upset i was like she seemed really cool like we started talking but then within the first 20 seconds she said how do you know Devin and then I started talking and then she said have you tried this thing and then she was talking about all of the aspects of this almond based eggnog

well you know what you said you wanted me to set you up with someone this weekend I said why don't you come to my baby shower there's going to be a lot of cool people there and you know again Jerry looks cool Jerryerry's hot jerry looks like someone jerry jerry sucks jerry well i wouldn't know i haven't talked to jerry all night

i've been too busy talking with fucking lizen about almond beverages well go talk to jerry and then tell me he's awesome fine that you want to have sex great hi uh jerry hi hi i'm sarah you're so gorgeous what oh my god you just gave me pause for a second there oh my god she'll give him the holiday and you're like dude law um this is kind of fantasy um you're british right yeah i'm from Sussex. Oh my god, this is incredible. Sorry, no, I'm blushing. This is going to sound really crazy. I know we do not know each other at all. At all.

But would you like to maybe get a drink with me sometime? Sure, yeah, that sounds great. Do you mind if the drink is, you know, me just with a little spot of brandy that I spike a McDonald's Sprite with because I'm sort of couch surfing

at the moment. I'm not quite interested in well, anything or anyone. I think you are surface level beautiful and that's about all i care to feel should we go yeah also my uh penis is sort of hard to see i will take anything i can get right now i need to prove a point i need to prove a point so can we just like i'm gonna start laughing like you've said something really funny and so so Devin can laugh. No, and my fear is that you'll start laughing.

So that's also why I want to sort of. No, no, no. I don't care. No, I wanted to preface it. You said you'll take anything you can get. Like, it's not even possible for you to take it. Does that make sense? That's fine.

Right now, I don't care about that. I just want to prove Devin wrong. Because it's sort of the intersection of micropenis and impotence. Right? So it's like, it's sort of the intersection of micropenis and impotence. Right? So it's like, it's already small. And then I also can't get it up. Does that make sense?

And then also we might mix the Sprite. We might mix the brandy because I don't know if I like those things. Lyson? Do you have any more of that bourbon spiked whatever the fuck you're drinking they always come around uh that's eggnog got it i don't care well no i wanted you to care no i just give me some that's fine that's fine i care i care we're friends we're best friends she leans in for a kiss nope No, just give me some. That's fine. That's fine. I care. I care. We're friends. We're best friends. She leans in for a kiss.

Nope. I misread that. Yep. Shit ass. Drunk off that eggy stuff. Drunk off eggs and rum. All right. Should we do another one?

This is one star. This is one star. This is for... This is also for Khalifa Farms holiday nog. Almond milk. One star from Esther K. Esther Kringle. Esther Kringle. Title is, worst tasting eggnog ever. Dumped it.

I am Swedish and Danish who grew up on grandma's Swedish eggnog. I saw this one. This excuse for milk-free eggnog was terrible. Stuff added to insult the palate. My grandpa grew up in Skanskan, and midweek dinner was always

eggnog, properly served in a soup bowl with fresh-baked bread, sardines, rye crackers, and kippered herring for grandpa and me. English grandma ate her English onion or tomato sandwich dinner. Thus, I'm very particular about eggnog. I make mine from scratch. Yeah, listen, I'm not really a talker in lifts.

I hope that's fine. But I'm sorry to hear that, I guess. You don't need to be sorry about anything anything I think what it mostly goes to show is the resilience of my family honestly I'm just taking every wrong turn I guess it just shows the resilience of my family and how even when faced with

impossible odds and hard circumstances that we always find a way to make it work not really impossible odds though right because your family grew up in Sweden, which is like a socialist country. You guys have a lot of shared institutions where you're, a lot of your needs are met. I wasn't talking about that.

Sorry. I should have been more clear, I guess. Or maybe you just should have listened better. I was talking about like faced with impossible culinary odds. Like when you have, that wasn't clear. When you have something like the Khalifa quote quote-unquote, eggnog...

No, don't get off the freeway. Keep on the freeway. Okay, and you're getting back on the on-ramp. What the fuck was the point of that? I guess it's just, like, it's pretty incredible when you have, like, such heart and determination that, like, you can turn lemons into lemonade. Or, in my case, you can turn eggs into eggnog by hand. And not drinking that shit that you get at the supermarket.

Do you buy any of that stuff get at the supermarket do you buy any of that stuff i so what are you saying are you saying like oh when life gives you lemons like theoretical good things you make lemonade or sour things you make something better like lemonade something sweet or are you saying just like when you get eggs you make eggnog immediately because that's both are not that interesting but the second one especially that not everybody can metaphorically turn lemons into lemonade and not everybody can literally turn eggs into eggnog which is what me and my family do which is like i feel like really two separate thoughts one was deeply unoriginal the other one was deeply uninteresting what's the usual reaction

you get if you tell a lot of people in your Lyft drives about this? You know, it's really funny. Like, you're honestly one of the most special customers, like clients, I'd say, that I have. Because, like, other people, when I start, yeah, no, it's okay. When I tell this to other people, they'll, like, put in their headphones and they won't listen. And that feels like, oh, my God, where's the sense of community nowadays? But you, it's like, I feel like this is kind of the best response I i've had which also makes sense because the story is pretty amazing and so is my family i don't like being in the same car as you like i yes my headphones aren't in but that's only because i didn't bring any because most lift drivers don't talk to me this conversation's been bad

and i think that you have a false perception of yourself does that make sense are you i'm trying to figure out i can tell that the gears are turning still and you're not understanding. One, I'm trying to figure out which way to go. I'm just gonna take it right here and see what happens. Go straight ass. And I guess what else I'm trying to figure out is like what part of the story is offensive to you?

I'm telling you that my family and I, we make homemade eggnog and we're pretty incredible at it. And we're also incredible people. You've actually never met my family and you don't even know me. So I would just say like, hey, hey, hey. Exactly right. I'd pull off. I've never met your family. Are you kidding me?

Don't ever talk bad about me or my family ever again. Or I'll never let you get in this car. I didn't say anything about your family. I'm just saying I don't know you. I don't know your family. So why do I want to hear about your recipes? Go back onto the road. I just start shaking my head.

Silent. I'm sorry, man. I founded this company. It's like a financial, like, crypto thing. It's called FTX. And, um... The whole thing kind of went belly up this week. So I'm, like, on CNBC.

I'm on Mad Dog. And, uh... I didn't explain myself. And... I'm just really stressed. So I'm sorry if I took that out on you. My name's Sam, by the way. Thanks for saying that. Sorry that happened to you.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Do you have anything lined up for your company company or anything in the works for something next well they're saying i might go to prison so that's not ideal um but you know the the company probably has to declare chapter 11 so no plans for that one oh oh why do you ask no it's just like i think based on that answer i can kind of see the kind of person you are ultimately and like would i be safe to say that you don't make eggs into eggnog like i'm sorry yeah your company went belly up so fix it like it's easy

so i guess it's just like i don't know why you're not trying because my family and i were really resourceful people and so when something So I guess it's just like, I don't know why you're not trying. Because my family and I were really resourceful people. The SEC is down my ass. Along with the IRS, which is already an underfunded government agency. So the fact that they have multiple agents coming my way means that I'm probably going to prison. All I'm hearing, Sam, are excuses, egg-scuses, egg-scuses. I want you to turn those egg-scuses into an egg-nog. Why are we at the airport?

Because I'm taking you to Sweden with me. Because you have a lot of lessons to learn, and it's stuff that I don't think you can learn in the old U.S. of A. No, take me to Sweden. Are you kidding me? Get me out of this country. I will take you to Sweden. Only if you stay with me and my family. Anything.

Yes. Whatever. Yes. Please. Thank you. Cut to him with his family. Oh, don't you know? Who might this long lad be?

Sorry. Sam, this is my aunt who's based in ireland but has come out to sweden for the summer um gerta this is this is sam he feel my girdle do it sam um are you kidding me oh it's cold oh there's a dairy film. There you go. Now, Sam, that's your first lesson. Never judge a book by its girdle. Or you'll start to curdle. That doesn't feel applicable to other things.

Okay. Second lesson. I'm going to leave you here with my family. I am going to go back to the United States. Must. And I want you to come back in a year's time. After a year, I think you'll have learned everything you need to know to get your company back on track. He splits.

He like dashes out the door in exile. I could just stand at the door watching him go. He'll be back. No, you don't have to say that, Aunt Gerta. He won't be back. Okay. Because I called the feds, and they're... What?

They're waiting a couple streets over. These Days by Nico starts playing as he runs in slow motion, and the U.S US government agents from the embassy are chasing him he's just like sprinting like the Darjeeling Limited slow-mo they're tackling him

bringing him down. He's in the foreground getting cuffed. The other guy's in the background shaking his damn head, but also smiling. He and Gerta are drinking eggnog. It looks amazing. They cheers him all right should we have time for one more let's do it it's a special app let's do it five stars from non-compensated reviewer oh god um pete just pete okay pete but it's p-e-e-t yep five stars of hood golden eggnog once again perfect i'm pretty picky about my eggnog and i still really like the taste of this one. Wasn't too sweet.

Nailed the perfect amount of thickness. This was creamy goodness. Hi, I'm Richard Kine. You know, celebrities these days, they all have a gin company. They all have a tequila brand. And that's why I'm partnering with upstart egg nog company creamy goodness to bring you richard kine's kind of eggnog why are we cutting no i you know what i this i love the direction we're going in. I think maybe it might be a little abrasive for the brand, if that makes sense.

Like, Eggnog is like this silky, creamy, sweet. The set, their on set, the full set is like this beautiful, lush, like off-white, cream, like gentle background. It looks like a Dove commercial. Right, and I don't know what doesn't sound soft and gentle about my voice. It's, you know what? Let's just try just, I want you to visualize like it is soft to silky. And can you maybe try embodying that a little bit for me too? Maybe that might help you get into it. Okay. Okay. I gotcha. All right. All right. Let's go again. He's just like writhing. There we go. That's great, Richard. Keep there we go that's great Richard

keep it up it looks great on camera it looks beautiful Richard we're gonna need you can start the copy whenever you want what? you gotta

what? you gotta start reading the copy you want me to read the copy and move my me to read the copy and move my body in a liquid way? No, I was saying, like, maybe... That's too much to ask.

I'm the client. This is my brand. Okay, fine. Then you do whatever you want. We've been here for six hours, Richard. You only have five lines. Because we got it on take four. We did not get it on take four.

That was the first time you read through the whole thing without stopping on take four. That doesn't mean we got it. But fine, go again. No, let's... You hired me to direct. And I'm regretting it, frankly. Do we want to...

Can we bring the background dancers back from lunch? Or are we just going to let them go? Do you want them anymore? We've been here for so long. Let's ditch the dancers. Let's ditch the the dancers this eggnog is about me richard kind fine all right uh action i call no guys hi i know everyone cut cut cut cut i am the director when i say action everybody that's when you roll. You do not listen to him.

Listen to me. We're going to 86 the dancers. You can let them go. Please thank them for a hard day's work. All right. Sound speeds. Camera rolling. Action.

Action. Nope. Action. Action. Action. Action. Action. Action. Action Action Action Action

Cut Richard No Richard You need to let me run my set Okay Don't you worry about me I'll be fine

So don't say action When I say action You start the copy Okay Action Nope When I say it No

When I say action You're gonna start the copy Alright And action Hi I'm Richard Kine And you're going to start the coffee. All right. And action. Hi, I'm Richard Kind. And you're drinking Richard Kind's thick, creamy goodness eggnog. Action. Now we're really starting.

Hi, I'm Richard Kind. Cut. And you're drinking. Cut. Everybody cut. That could have been a good take. It could have been. But then you stopped to say action.

Why are you so worried about me? You stopped to fuck with me. You stopped to fuck with me, Richard. And I will not allow that on my set. I will not allow that disrespect on my set. This is my set. It's my set. This is my...

It's my set. The client has final say. The client has final say. The client has final say. Guess who's the client? Guess who's the client? But Richard, you won't even let me direct. You won't even let me direct.

You won't even let me do that. So Richard, it's my set. Action. Cut. Keep rolling. I didn't say cut. He just kind of crosses his arms and stays there in a standoff. Cut.

Richard. No. Hi, I'm Richard Kind. Cut. Cut. Cut. Richard, what, I'm Richard Kind. Cut. Richard, what do I have to do to get you to just do one fucking take where you listen to me?

I said to the other people, I won't even be in the commercial as long as they can get that cover model from a food and wine magazine. You remember the one? We all remember. self-completed to that. Everyone

nods. Well, of course we all have. Cut to the final ad spot. The liquid nog is like dancing sexily. Pole dancing? There is a pole. It's like a candy cane. It's VO introducing Richard Kine's Creamy Goodness Eggnog you've had ryan reynolds

aviation gin you've had george clooney's tequila called calamigos or whatever now try my product richard kine's creamy goodness eggnog liked by the best modeled by the best cut now try my product and george clooney's tequila called calamigos or whatever now try my product cut I love Richard Kind he's so funny have you seen the other two no where he plays Drew Tarver's agent every time he calls him

he has like a headset in and then he's just like are you okay and he's like don't worry about me I'll be fine and then he ends it he's like I'm an agent I do this for a living and then cuts it and then he like is delivering pizzas or like'm an agent i do this for a living and then cuts it and then he like is delivering pizzas or like he's a cat driver it's so funny should we do our last segment let's do it

this shook me all week long we go um it's hard for it not to just be the news but I want this to feel like a normal episode as much as it can we still have two more episodes so with Jeff as the host again I cannot stress enough how

this show is not ending if any of you stop listening i will find you that's not a threat that's a promise my what shook me all week long is drizzilicious mini rice cakes when you're looking for a high volume low calorie snack are you reading fucking coffee right now are you these are so good i found these at gelson's they're like these little like quarter size rice cakes and there's s'mores flavored which is covered in marshmallow and chocolate there's salted caramel drizzle there's cinnamon swirl and there's birthday cake and what i do is i keep them in my fridge and then i snack on them like nobody's business and they're so fucking good

shout out Drizzylicious I'd love to become a I'd love to become a a brand rice-bass-iter no and rice-iter and rice-iter

and rice-iter there we go that's good so shout out Drizzylicious yeah And Bryciter. And Bryciter. There we go. That's good. So shout out Drizzylicious. Yeah. I'll end it on that weird plug. That really, that was insane.

That, it feels like you, Drizzylicious to you are little chippy chocolate men to me. Exactly right, yes. I guess other than. what's been shaking you well other than this um what has been shaking me what has been shaking me what has been shaking me um celebrity crush you ready oh my god it wouldn't be a normal review episode without me talking about a new celebrity crush. It's not a new celebrity crush. So he and I, Elizabeth and I went out to dinner this week and we were talking about how there are some celebrity crushes we have that like you forget about.

And then once you remember them, it's like, oh, the obsession is back. Like they're kind of off when they're off the radar for a little bit and then they come back. It's like you get to experience that crush all over again. And I'm deep in this one brother um christian borrell i met christian borrell what uh in 2015 not in like a private setting it was like outside of broadway theater but it was after something rotten me and my high school sweetheart at the time we were both in new york and we went to go she took me to see that i loved it and then he came out and signed autographs and i like took a picture

of her with him and he was very nice i have oh god he talked to us for a second though because brian darcy i'd seen brian darcy james on the subway and i went up to him and i said hey like i just saw you in something rotten because i saw it it twice. And I was like, I loved it. It's so funny. You're really good. And I'm about to go to USC. And he's like, well, and I was like, I'm going for film. I want to be a director. That my goals changed.

But is this Brian Darcy James or Christian? This is Brian Darcy James. Amazing. And he was like, well, like when you're a big director to cast me. So I don't think he would remember me. But he remembered me the next weekend when we went to for a second time and rush ticketed it. And then he said hi to me. And then Christian Borel borle because of that kind of talked to us for a little longer i am so jealous of you i have the biggest crush on christian borle and i have for a long time like since i you know would you say that you're hard for the bard i definitely am i absolutely

am jeff oh my god him as shakespeare in something rotten does something to me it really really does um so yeah so that's back for sure i found a spotify playlist called christian borle can step on my neck um jesus christ he's also like i mean he's not not attractive but he's definitely a weird looking guy you know me I guess so you know he's a little more of a deviation from that though I feel like you're just really attracted to like average looking white guys and I feel like he's not an average look I feel like a bizarre looking but it's also like his talent too like it's such a talent crash yeah he has bde i would say boral dick energy it's hard to be the bod

it's hard to be the bod baby it's so good good. That was good. I'm going to rewatch that performance once we cut this. Yeah. It's so good. He's so good. That was a good one. I'll give you that one. Thank you. What a good celebrity crush to end on.

Again, I'd like to just tell everyone again, we're not ending. Please keep listening to the show for the love of Christ. They will. The show's going to be better. It's going to, the shackles are off, let's say. It'll be best. Be best? It'll be best.

Someone on Twitter said... I think that Alfred coming in is going to inject a ton of new energy and life into the show. And I think the show's going to grow because new people are going to find it. It's going to be best. It's going to be best. Someone on Twitter said, this is like beatles saying goodbye to ringo um yeah no that's uh you crying no he kept really good time and he is a good time and he is a good time face and love um jeff Jeffrey This was our last final normal episode Together

It was It hasn't still It still hasn't fully hit me Because we have more to do And I also just know I'll be back on as a guest This was not the last time we'll do improv This is not the last time we will do this show And I love doing it with you and Alfred So i'm really optimistic about the future of the show and

both of our futures and um i'm just i'm excited right in this moment i feel excited yeah it's good it's it's like yeah it's gonna be sad once it hits but it is very exciting and i think that's also how we know that this is the right move is that we both feel all of us feel really good and excited and um yeah nice to have like the support of everyone at head gum too and like everyone's excited about this and it's sad and it's exciting it's bittersweet both things can be true at once all things complexity baby um if you want to find jeff you can do that on Instagram at Jeffy James, on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee. Um, and you can follow the show on Instagram at Review Review, Twitter Review Review Show, Reddit r slash Review Review. And you can follow Riley on Instagram at Riley Anspa, on Twitter at Riley Coyote.

Let's thank some VI podcasts. And again, everybody. I can't wait to do the best of this Saturday. The best of, oh, the best of oh well yes yes yes yes when will it come oh this will be after we record it yeah people who are voting most people are voting i'd say we got a lot of responses yeah great um okay but i can't wait for that we should have champagne or yes we will do that negronigroni or something. Yeah. Thank you too. Also yeah

patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff our Patreon will still be going strong. Yes. So subscribe to that too and if you haven't subscribed yet and you want weekly or bi-weekly Riley and Jeff content patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff

and we're still doing the head gum sketches. So go to head gum YouTube channel and watch those. Yeah. And if you want your Jeff and Riley together fix, come join the czar, our monthly czars and Q and A's because we're still very much doing that. Um, and they're a blast.

Um, so come join that. And, um, also please keep sending in theme songs. Cause we're still gonna also I'm gonna we're gonna play through all the ones that we haven't played I think you should I think that'd be really funny

it's gonna be hilarious to have Al start this next year yeah and I guess quick facts about Alf hit with an axe in the face he's a comedian he's in Chicago he is British by way of Virginia

and he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit so kind of He's a comedian. He's in Chicago. He is British by way of Virginia. And he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit. So kind of run with that if you want. Yeah. I think it'd be fun to like get the initial Ralph. Riley and Alf theme songs with not as much context for Ralph. I think that's hilarious. Like you have so much lore and history with episodes for me.

And just to come up with whatever you can. All right. Let's do it. Patreon. Thank you to underscore Christian Sidehug so he can hug two people simultaneously. Aggie. Akko will not back down without a fight. Jeff will apologize to her on air, or this entire fucking show has been for naught. Tula.

At this point, I can't even tell if Daddy chose Tuesdays or if Tuesdays chose Daddy. It's just, well, me. Austin's been feeling kind of down lately. No, but just sad. JK, I do hate my new apartment's tiny toilet, though. Bob Buell, aka the Squirtster Kid. And I'm sorry if I can go off script. My birthday is December 28th, so buy me stuff.

Camasposy. That's spooky and cozy because it's October, baby. Nope. December. Carol Fisher. Chuck. Curbature presents Jeffrey James' Farewell Tour. Dakota can't read the room. How is he supposed to feel C-word, C-word, C-word,

egregious C-word. It's the only okay super bad word. Elvis Wesley. So it's Elvis with a british accent and a fucking butler i guess fancy octopus is submitting and dominating a jack of all lades follow my cat on instagram you have to find the at yourself though though no handouts fucks foot fetish kim i texted miles the other day i said hey miles it's foot fetish kim gray feels like he should be getting a discount. Patreon slash Uber Eats wise. Happy Halloween.

It's October. I eat spaghetti and heat balls. It's like spaghetti and meatballs, but instead of noodles, I eat the sun. I'm Riley Anspun. Have you ever heard of this new show, The Office? You know, John Krasinski's kind of a zaddy. I'm going to say it. If spaghetti and heat balls substitutes noodles for the sun, then you're just eating the sun

and whatever heat balls is it sucks that this might be the last connor finnegan patreon name i hear he should at least have put some effort into it it's july you know what that means flag day let's get flapping jackson mississippi is definitely my real name maybe not though boy did i pick a swell time to finally upgrade jake and amir we pay you already so didn't think you deserve two separate patreon subs jake olman james wagner murdered someone in 2013 and is finally admitting to it fbi come get his ass that's when he was like what 10 jeffrey games jeff's evil but playful twin jesse tipton joe and for lack of a better term well malazov caleb forgot to change his name. Whoops.

Casper Bopasper. Kevin Williams. Look, to be fair, Damien Kirk ran into that fence over a decade ago, but to be unfair, he still bears that shame to this day. Lord Hunter the Ordained. Lucas Heinzel. Michael Beggle. Mo-ho-o-p.

Wish us a happy holiday season to everyone in the Riley and Jeff cinematic universe. My Bond of the Week is my mother, because name a better bond than the bond you have with your mom. Go ahead, I'll wait. My mom said I can't use the computer anymore unless it's for homework. Nate Fortius says hi to Christina, who's now listening to every episode. New patron. No, not a

new patron. No, it's for real this time. Nolan Murphy gave me the best birthday gift I've ever received. Thanks, prick. Oh, hi, Mark. Well, priest. Puff Riley. Raven Schmaven. Riz Jeffrey will never mispronounce my name again. Burden. Smoke and Time on Main Island has closed for the winter and Jameson Poncia

has to come up with funny original names now. TJ Michael. Ty Samby's wet and wild senior strip uno you have to read it all at once i'm sorry ty samby's wet and wild senior strip uno night no condoms no cares no commitments every thursday at 700 Park Crescent New... 700 Park Crescent New Way or whatever is so accurate for what senior folks' homes addresses are. Vivian of Ultimate Evil. Thank you guys for subscribing at the highest tier.

Thank you for staying subscribed. The Bizarre Days are just going to keep getting more fun. And there's still going to be inside baseball material being spilled. Oh, yeah. So if you want access to early secrets, subscribe. And we will see you next week. Yeah. For our best of part one.

I'm so excited to see what the bottom top eight are. I kind of have, I mean, I've seen the responses. I don't want to know. I don't want to see what the bottom top eight are. I kind of have, I mean, I've seen the responses. I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything. I almost told you, but I was like,

I'm glad I don't know. And I'm also not going to check the updates until the day of the Saturday. But y'all not the last episode, but the last normal episode. I've said this on discord. I will be posting a long thank you on Instagram and all that stuff as well. But thank you guys for supporting this show, for supporting my tenure on it, for growing and changing with us, for suggesting things,

for sending in theme songs, for subscribing to our Patreon, for buying my parents' divorce hoodies, for coming to our virtual live show, for everything the past three years. Thank you guys so much. It's been so much fun. It's been so rewarding. It's been so fulfilling.

Like I said, it got me through the pandemic. Without this creative outlet with you, I i don't know what i would have lost my mind more than i did same and um i'm so proud of what we've done together um and i can't wait to see what how how the show goes on from here it's gonna be really exciting for me to watch we're gonna miss you and i'm not gonna get into all the emotional stuff because we have two more episodes and then we'll be a little drunk and we'll do it then. Absolutely. Love you guys.

Love you, Riley. Love you. And Arrivederci. That was a Hiddem Original.