Review Revue - Fake Snow

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

This week on Review Revue; Geoff and Reilly read reviews about FAKE SNOW, run for HOA president, and get neglected.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Edited by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Won't you read a review? You know all the rules by now but if not this one's for you first they go on help then they'll need some help riley jeff and a special guest review, review. It's a Hart's Kindred book, my friend, and her name is Zona Gale. Because when you're watching Buster Bluth, you will call me Zona Gale. Fading it out because it is two minutes. Oh my God, brilliant. Maybe we'll end the episode with the rest of that because that's one of my favorite songs.

That was lovely. That came in from Devin Clark Membler, beloved V.I. patron. He says that he misses Fiona and loves her a lot. She'll hear this or not. That was a parody of Uncle John's Bad End. That's a really good way to think about it. That was so lovely. That was so soothing.

You know, I was was gonna come into this really really hot i was gonna come into this with insane insane amounts of energy and hearing that just really like i'm leaning back in my chair like i just don't care well it is a parody of uncle john's band by the grateful dead so if you liked that you should listen to uncle john's band it'll calm down your many um bursts of anger i would say because like the coming in hot thing like you often do that with service workers well don't say that on the pod like yeah but like don't talk for people to hear it then maybe change it in life no it's different it's one thing if i'm doing it no i'm not embarrassed i'm shameless if it's one thing if i'm doing it and another thing if we're

talking about it in a public forum like that's different no because it is a public forum already is what i'm saying it's like you're you're like you'll taste the wine you'll make a meal out of it and you send it back every time i go out to eat with you i'm worried that they spit in our food and i did nothing you're a bystander that's not what am i what am i i mean i'm not a bystander because i'll do i'll kick you under the table and be like stop and then like i because i don't want to make it worse by being like she's you know she's being awful but the thing is when you kick me under the table my response is like a horse it's like when you kick a horse it's like go faster keep going and so when you do that to me i'm like you're

going me on all right because you're not a horse you're a horse, it's like, go faster, keep going. And so when you do that to me, I'm like, you're goading me on. But you're not a horse. Because you're not a horse. You're a human being and you understand social cues. And if somebody kicks you under the table when you're being an asshole, that means stop being an asshole. Jeffrey! You're home.

You're home. How does it feel? Yeah, I'm in Sugar Falls, Ohio. It feels cold. It's a little jittery. It's a little shivering. Crazy ass. What's that? You're crazy ass for being there and being cold. Come on.

With the crazy ass of it. We're just trying to have fun. There's no snow on the ground, but it is cold. But I like it. It was hot in LA on my way to the airport. It was like 87. Yes. Which is stupid.

Um, it's terrifying. Um, but that's so nice. I would love a chilly Thanksgiving. Um, I drove Daniels in Chicago or Evanston rather. I drove him to the airport yesterday and he had like his boots and his coat on for the plane. And I'm just like, that's what I want. I'm out here in like a t-shirt and leggings and it doesn't feel like holidays to me.

It'll get cold. No, it'll be fine. No, you don't have to say that. No, it will. It'll get sweater-y. I was thinking about when it does get warm like this because be fine you don't have to say that no it will it'll get i was thinking about when it does get warm like this because i'm like you know what i dress like it's autumn year-round and i really need to diversify my closet i live in los angeles and i dress like it is east coast fall 365 days of the year what What's wrong with me?

I don't even think that's true. I guess I dress like... Like you have summer clothes. Dress for the job you want. Dress for the season you want. No. No, no, no, no, no. Speaking of... Because you always want what you can't have.

Like I walked outside in a bathing suit because like now I want it to be, you know, beach weather. Hey, the grass is always greener. You always want what you can't have like i went i've walked outside in a bathing suit because like now i want it to be you know beach beach weather hey the grass is always greener you always can't have always um speaking of chili speaking of wanting what we can't necessarily grasp speaking of manifesting in a way um today we're talking i'm just just. Sure. Today, we're talking... I'm just going to cut right to the chase. We're talking fake snow. Faux snow. Faux snow. That's really good.

Fake snow because faux snow is the name of this product that I have. But faux snow, it's good on the ears. That is good on the ears. Jeffrey, let's talk about fake snow. Yeah, what's your experience with that most artificial of downfall yeah um i mean my god there's so much here in los angeles growing up here you see a lot of fake snow baby not only on sets but also like around christmas time because we don't oh my god fake snow abound now if we're talking like grounded fake snow you

got like the kind of it's essentially just like a blanket of cotton balls all woven together like one long stretch of cotton balls or i what i've found is like over time if you want to do like falling snow i see a lot of people just doing like tiny bubbles like that that kind of is doing it because it's better through the environment than like fake plastic shit that they're always spewing out yeah um but i think fake snow is hilarious um it's it's not funny in that it is so not environmentally friendly like the the fake um not the cotton ball stuff but like the the fake you know like tiny just tiny bits of plastic um but it is very funny to me um especially it's like you know every hallmark movie you see any any any christmas movie really the amount of fakes because you know they're

filming in burbank you know they're filming in the valley so the amount of fake snow that you're seeing of just like landing in people's hair and it stays there the entire scene yeah because it's soap and shit like yes they did that in gilmore girls i was like this is so clearly the bubble stuff you're talking about it's beautiful or if it's not like the flakes themselves are the size of your fist and they're just in the hair oh it's it's amazing it just looks like dry shampoo yeah it's never good it's never i've never seen in film like unless it's cgi and even that but it's like i've never seen practical realistic fake smell um yeah and it's oh it's incredible it's incredible and have you ever used it in your personal life um i feel like that's a question i feel like we

need to talk about off air um holy shit what could it possibly be that you can't talk about it no it's just like i it's it's just personal it's private you said private it's either medical or sexual then right they're not mutually exclusive jeffrey that's i'm so sorry to hear that okay what about you not about in your medical sexual life but just kind of fake snow generally i've yeah um my family and i have like a little um christmas village that we put on a table every year i have have a lot to say about these later, but go on. And we kind of, when I was younger, we would add to it every year. Not so much anymore, but because it's kind of rounded out in a nice way. But we do put the fake snow around it, the kind of stringy, for lack of better terms. Okay.

This is it. As I was on Amazon scrolling through reviews, I didn't realize that Christmas villages, like people making them in their homes were such a big thing. Almost every single review that I read, I would say maybe 85 to 90% of reviews I read were talking about how this fake snow played. And like, they're like, it worked great with my Christmas village.

And I'm like, I didn't know that was a thing. I guess I'd seen them if I'd go to friends' houses. But I don't know. I didn't realize that that was a huge thing. It's a thing. It's a thing for sure. So what's your Christmas village like? Well, glad you asked.

There's a New Orleans corner. There's Santa's reindeer auto body shop. There's the hotel, the B&B really. And then there's like Mrs. Claus's personal office or something. And that sort of creates a town that you get to feel like God over. I don't think so. I have a question about Christmas Villages. I guess we could just do a separate episode on this, but I'm just so curious. Yeah, we should do a separate episode actually next week.

Okay. That's tomorrow's episode. Okay. So that'll be a separate thing. Okay, great. Great. Nevermind. My question was just that.

No, we'll get into it later. Should we get into our review? Let's do some reviews. You want to start us off? Oh, I would love to. Okay. Here we go. This is for, it's called Fresh Fallen Snow.

So this is a bag of it. So this isn't like the cotton, you know, you roll it out and it's fake snow. This is like in a bag, you sprinkle it kind of fake snow. Okay. It's a four liter bag. So it's four stars from, okay, we're getting a first initial and a full last name. Okay. So it's from M. Naylor.

Let's go Maisel Naylor. Maisel Naylor. Four stars. The title is worked for a wedding. We put the snow in small bags and pass them out to wedding guests to throw quote unquote snow on the bride and groom as they left for their honeymoon. It worked great, but I would be sure to tell the guests not to dump them on the couple, but to throw upwards into the air. The bride complained that she had it in her hair for days. Also, caution to those with little children.

Have them shut their eyes as some snow fell into them i haven't seen the pictures yet to see how well it showed up in them i hope it looks great just imagining like such a thoughtful idea of like they're gonna love it it's gonna be such a great surprise and it's just a medical hazard for everybody and like traumatizing to everyone good for literally nobody there even that with the rice it's like if you're finding rice in your hair like weeks later luke i just wanted to just want to sit you down and i mean the wedding was amazing and everything you did is my best man. You know, you're my best friend for my entire childhood and up to now. And I don't know.

Everything was perfect. Oh man. Except for one thing. Ralph, can I just say like your day was incredible. I am so honored to have been able to be part of that with you um but yeah go on go on i just like sorry before you say that one thing i just want to say that it's like you're my brother man and lauren she is such an incredible woman and i'm so excited for the life that you two are gonna lead together yeah the issue might be that you're not going to be a part of it.

In what way? In every way. Because, you know, when we were leaving the chapel to get into the limo, most people tossed rice. Oh, my God. Yeah, they sure did. They sure did. And what a waste of food that was.

What a waste of food that was. No, most people threw rice. Yeah. You dumped Gatorade on me like I was a coach winning the World Series. Sorry, Super Bowl. I sure did. And dude, you should see your face. I mean, I've been in talks with a photographer.

You are going to lose your mind at those pictures. They didn't get the photos. Because if they got the photos, that would have been fun. That would have been like a fun thing to see you dumping it on me. And I'm like, ah, come on, man. They weren't ready because you didn't say anything. You just did it out of nowhere. You did it angrily.

Lauren has always sort of, that was her grandmother's wedding dress that her mom wore, that she wore, that we were hoping our daughter would wear. You got yellow Gatorade on it. So it looked like she peed herself. It can come no it can come out no it can't come out of a white dress uh so we're done i think it's friends is my thing because that well hey hopefully hey fingers crossed that you're not gonna have another wedding after this so i'm sorry for the faux paws i thought you'd be surprised. It wasn't a faux pas. It was a generational trauma. Well, listen, man.

Like, hey, I'm only your best man once. And so now we can move forward. I'm sorry about the, you know, the Gatorade, the making it look like she peed herself. I thought it was a fun goof. But if it hurt her feeling, I'll pay for the dry cleaning. How about that? Hold on. Sorry, let me just pick up. Yes, the caramel brulee latte, that's for me.

Yes. Yes. Tall. Thank you. Awesome. You've got to try one of these, man. It's unbelievable. I'm good.

That sounds awful, really sugary. I got the gingerbread crumble topping on top of it. You're going to lose your mind. I'm so sorry to hear that. You're going to lose your mind. That's the other thing. There are other parts of you that bother me, and it all kind of stems from this impulsiveness to you it's like you you know the gatorade thing you shouldn't have done that and the fact that you didn't have the wherewithal to stop yourself really bothers me as a friend

it didn't bother me in college because that was kind of fun but you haven't i feel like grown since then i'm sorry to be so harsh it's just i'm still really it kind of soured the honeymoon by the way because like like Lauren wouldn't. She was so upset about the dress that we didn't consummate on the night. And that's your fault. Cut to the honeymoon. It leans in to kiss her. Can we?

Sorry. Can we just not right now? I'm sorry. At all? I just need a minute. I'm sorry. I don't mean just need a minute. I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. I don't mean to laugh, dude.

Like, I know I just let out a guttural. Yeah, it's not funny. It sucks. But you didn't get any on your honeymoon, bro? Like, that sucks. I did, but it was, like, on the third day. It was on the third day, and that's, like, less special. Okay, so it's all fixed.

No, it's not fixed. You're gone. You're done out of my life, I think. In terms of the dress. You're blaming me because your new bride didn't want to have sex with you? She didn't want to have sex with me because she was upset about the dress, which is your fault. So it is your fault. I'm telling you that I'll pay for it.

Sorry, I don't under... I think... Listen. Okay. I've heard this phrase used a lot in in conflict solution scenarios before so i'm sorry that you feel that way can we move on no that's not the right way you you misheard the example of what you're supposed to say during conflict resolution it's actually supposed to be i feel like you're upset at me and

i'm sorry for making you upset and validating the emotion. Oh, sorry. That one's for me. Yes. You got two? The mocha chocolate cookie crumble. You got two brulees? No, dude, this is for you. This is the mocha chocolate cookie crumble frappuccino for you. I don't want this. It's a surprise.

I don't understand where I'm going wrong. I'm the one who's given you surprise drinks. I'm the one who was the life of the party at the wedding. Do you know how many people came up to me at the reception saying,

hey, man, hey, Luke, you're the man. You're the man for doing that. That was so funny. It was such a boring reception. No way somebody did that. We had the best time.

Once you poured the Gatorade, that's how we knew it was a party. So I'm sorry for livening up. And yeah, sure. Multiple people said that? It was just the one, but it was the priest. It was the priest and he said it more than once.

So I felt like- Yeah, the priest was drunk on the communion wine. I made his day better. And so I'm sorry that my purpose on this earth is to bring people joy. And if you don't want that in your life- Bring one priest joy. Hey. And your best friend it starts with one years no it starts with one priest then you can change the world takes a sip of the thing you're fucking asshole it's yellow gatorade you're fucking asshole i'm i'm gone you man oh come on you toss it out after him it hits him in the ass dude some little kid

mommy that guy just peed his pants no i didn't even whatever everyone at starbucks peed his pants peed his pants what the fuck see i. What the fuck? Peed his pants. See? I'm brightening all these people's days. So what? I don't care about any of these people. And that's your issue, man. No, you're my issue, man. You're my issue.

Should we take a quick break? Yes. quick break yes and we're back guess who's back back back uh this okay this is a five-star review of faux snow bag from crate and barrel for snorer okay um who is it from um let's just get a first and last name because their uh username's insane i'm not gonna be able to say what this is okay let's do tile leaf tile yes if your last name's tile you can't name your kid leaf leaf tile it's actually kind of perfect for this review five stars from leaf tile love my snow i reuse it every year this just made me think of like if it wasn wasn't fake snow, it's like a, it's like a suburban neighborhood.

All the houses are dressed up like in home alone. They're all beautiful. And then they all have the perfect amount of blanketed natural snow. And then you see this one and it's kind of like a yellow brown tinged hue to the snow. Hey, uh, leaf.

Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so, Garen, obviously I'm the head of the Homeowners Association. Yes, Garen. Hey, happy holidays. Yeah, you too, man. You too.

I just wanted to talk to you about the snow situation. A couple of people have started to complain about you um my understanding from what you've bragged about at the block parties is that you let the snow melt every year freeze the water and keep that in your garage freezer so that you can put it and shave it back down to the snow sure do every holiday season sure do and do you see kind of what's been happening? It's a compounding effect year to year that your snow looks horrible. I don't know. I think if that's all you guys are concerned about is just public appearance, then sure.

Is my snow not as white and crisp and fluffy as everyone else's? Absolutely it's not. Is my snow more environmentally friendly than everyone else's because I reduce, reuse, and recycle? No, it is not. No, it is not. Sorry. Shirley from 530, she's looking out her window. She shuts the blinds.

Shirley uses new snow every goddamn year. But here I am. Here I am using what Mother Nature gave me and reusing it. It's natural snow. We all use real snow. We all use snow that falls from the sky. Yours is less environmentally friendly because you bought two new freezers and you run them in the entire year keeping the snow. Listen, Patrick, they are investment pieces. All right.

When you're as committed to the environment as I am, I can reuse the snow till the end of time. All right. And sure, the freezers use a bit more energy, but when it comes down to saving the planet, that's what's going to reduce my carbon footprint right there. While all you guys, you just want new, new, new all the time. And you know how I know that? Is because guess whose lawn is brown and all the rest of you guys are green year round. You're using too much water.

I'm using the same runoff snow water to water my lawn. And then I and then I suck up the water from the lawn, put it back in the freezer. Do you see what I mean? Do you see how I'm trying to be a leader for for climate change in this community? Yeah, we're in Eau Claire. So like the grass is naturally green. You didn't plant grass. That's why your lawn is brown.

Also, since when do you care about your carbon footprint? You drive a Raptor, a lifted truck that gets 12 miles a gallon. I have solar panels on my roof. And you know what it is? I don't even think that you don't like the environment. I think you do. I'm just trying to give you a helpful tip that's all it's just to say it's not good to reduce reuse recycle snow no snow everybody no all the homeowners are looking out through their window

they've been like eavesdropping this whole time they're looking out through their windows everybody he said i want you all to listen right here. Patrick said, it's not good to reduce, reuse, and recycle. Wow, man. I didn't know you were one of those kinds of guys. Is the word that's missing from that. What is the point of this? What is the point of this? Coming up to my doorstep on Thanksgiving.

I'm trying to help. Help what? What? you want me to move you want me to put the snow away what are you trying what's your end game don't just wait for the snow to happen don't melt it freeze it into blocks then shave it back onto your fucking lawn it doesn't affect you does it how it does how it looks bad it looks bad and it bothers me because i do care about the environment so then you need to start reusing your snow brother that's what i'm trying to tell you no no i do want you to move i do want no it's just i'm only like i i laugh when i when i get bad news or something really upsetting it tickles me a little bit because it's hard for

me to process you want me to move because I'm making you look bad because I love to recycle and you don't. I just want to get it clear that that's what you're saying. I can't be clearer that you don't, you're not being green. So that makes me upset and also the aesthetics of it.

I'll tell you what. I'll do you one better. No. You're not gonna.'s hear it but no way I'm gonna run Opposing you to be the next President of the homeowners association If I win I'll stay and if

And then if I win you move How about that whoever loses Has to move Fine cut to the election I won um In a landslide. And I'm happy about it. I just am like, I'm

starting to feel bad for you just based on the fact that 40 homes in the neighborhood, you didn't get one vote. And I feel vindicated but also like, I don't know. You're a good guy. You don't have to move. you don't have to move you don't have to no i i fought i am a man of my word and i'll follow up on this i just want you to know that as i'm packing up all my u-hauls with my fake snow

i mean my real just one u-haul would be good again you don't know how to care for the environment i was just gonna say as i'm packing up all of these U-Hauls, I'm putting one piece of furniture per U-Haul. It'd be fine. And I want everyone to know that this man right here is forcing me to move and the amount of carbon that's going to be used in this move is unbelievable. It's not my fault that he's doing it this way. It is unbelievable. Everyone starts shaking my fault that he's doing it this way. It is unbelievable.

Everyone starts like shaking their heads. No, wait. Next year's election, we're voting for a real environmentalist. I'm, part of my platform was installing solar for everyone. I am an environmentalist.

Do you know how much energy that took to install the solar panels? One time! One time fucking purchase energy! You know what? I don't know if it's too late, but I'd like to change my vote. Are you kidding me? So would I.

Yeah, so would I! I would also like to do that, but guess what? This time the stipulation is that he has to move somewhere really bad. Yeah. What? Yeah. What difference? Yeah.

Juno, Juno, Juno. I don't want to move to Alaska. Cut to Alaska. Everyone on the block is reusing snow. You know that this place has snow so often of the year. You guys don't have to... Wow, this guy here thinks we've got

unlimited resources. We do when it comes to snow. Sorry, should we do our last review? I guess. Yes, let's do it this is for where to go where to go okay this is for a christmas snow blanket roll so this is one of those exactly what it says um this is two stars from carlos v carlos vienna carlos vienna waits from Carlos V. Carlos Vienna. Carlos Vienna waits for you. Okay, the title is

Isn't cut in a straight line and was very wrinkled. I really wanted to like this, but the edges are all jagged and looked really stupid with my Christmas village. Mommy? Mommy, I need a hug.

Why? Because I just came back from the Christmas art fair at school and my Christmas village got last place. Can I have a hug, please? You're just sitting there. Sorry, son. Your father's been distant recently and it's just like i'm processing that and then to take on your stuff too is tough for me your um what was it your christmas village

looked kind of shitty they said that the edges were too jagged and it didn't look warm and welcoming mommy i've been holding out my arms for two minutes. Can you please just bend down and give me a hug? I mean, your father's not even here right now on Christmas Eve, so it's, uh... I'm, like, tugging on your pant leg, like, trying to get you to come down.

He said we'd be a team. He said we would, um, walk through life together like it was an adventure. I start climbing you like a koala. But yeah, your Christmas village looked bad. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear that your Christmas village looked bad. Embrace me!

It's tough. It's tough because it's hard to focus. It's hard to focus when you feel like you're losing someone. I'm on top of your head and start climbing down the other way. It's hard to focus when you're losing someone closest to you and not even to death or not even to divorce but to indifference, it seems like. Just acknowledge me. And I know, you know what?

It's hard to acknowledge you because I see his face in yours and he's not here. Mom, please just give me a hug. I've had a really hard day. My bully ate in one first place. And he made fun of my Christmas village. And he also said, your dad isn't even here to pick you up. I had to walk home from school today. Why aren't you mad about

that? And why aren't you mad about that? Because I wanted my Christmas village to win Christmas. Mommy please give me a hug. What do I have to do to give you to give me a hug? Go find your dad for me and then I'll give you a hug. Okay.

He was in the garage. Now will you give me a hug? Bring him to me. Why can't you go get him After you give me a hug Cause then he'll know That I was wondering about him It's this cat and mouse game

Jax You'll understand when you're older Hey dad Yeah Mom sent for you. She sent for me? That's what she said. Can you please come?

Because I've been asking her to give me a hug for the better part of a half hour. And she said she'd only give me one if you came. She said she'd only give you a hug if you brought me to her? Yeah, she said that she didn't want you to know that she were, that she was wondering about you because of the whole, the cat and mouth, the cat and mouth thing. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Okay. Yeah. You go in the living room and meet you there. How about that, Jax? Okay. He's on his way. Can I have a hug before he gets here?

No. Okay, fine. Dad, come now. I'm sorry. I just needed a minute. Jax, I just needed a minute. Can you go tell... Actually, can you go tell your mother before I come out here

that I have not wondered about her for one second since I've been in the garage? Can you just tell her that? I just want a hug. No, son. You got to go tell her. Fine.

Dad said that since he's been in the garage, he hasn't wondered about you for one second. Now can I have a hug? No. Because he's not here and the deal was that you'd bring him to me. I also haven't wondered about him. Let him know. Can you please just go and tell him?

You can tell him if you want a hug. If not, I'll go tell him if you want the hug. Dad, mom's at... No, I heard her. I heard her. And please tell her that I know that that was a bald-faced lie. Because she's been thinking about me nonstop. She's been thinking about me for the past 14 years.

Never has her mind wandered once from the thought of me. Now you go tell her that. Can you repeat? That was a lot. Can you say it again? Nope. Don't worry, I heard it. I've never once thought about you.

Never once, Gregory, or whatever your name is. I've never thought of you. And how's that for distant? To have never been close at all. Can one of you just give me a hug? At this point, I don't care who it is. I just want one. Hmm.

Well, are you going to give the boy a hug? I don't like him that much. Why? Because he reminds you too much of you? Because he reminds me of you. Really? Really? So we're going there today? We're going there today. We're going there today. And every day.

Well, no one went to school for me today, so no one was going there, and I had to walk home. Hey, Jax, this is actually between your mom and me right now, sport. What are you even doing in the garage? What am I doing in the garage? You like to act like you know how to do DIY shit, but every project you do fails. Language, please. In front of Jax. Come on. Jax needs to grow up. He's 12 and he talks like this. Well, I wonder why.

Maybe it's because he's not getting enough hugs from his mom. You know what? That's how someone grows up fast. Don't coddle the boy. I'm just trying to be a good parent. Something that you know nothing about. Yeah. You know why I hide in the garage all day?

I hide in the garage all day because of this, because of how you are. Oh, that's very nice. Because I don't want to be around this kind of energy. This is not, you are not the woman I fell in love with. You are not the woman I fell in love with. Well, I didn't fall in love with you. I've never thought about you. Like I said, I've never even thought about you.

You've never thought about me? Never. I heard you tell our son that you didn't want me to know that you've been wondering about me. Who even says that? I've been wondering about you? So you've been thinking about, you haven't been thinking, you've been wondering about me? What does that even mean? I've never wondered.

Wondered what? You clearly have been. Anything, I've never wondered. And that's the problem. You've lost that sense of wonder. You know why our son got last place in the Christmas village? Because he doesn't know how to wonder. No, he doesn't know how to wonder.

He doesn't have an imagination because you don't know how to wonder. You don't know how to dream. And that's what happened to our marriage is that we lost all of our dreams. What even is this thing that you made out of wood? It looks like shit. You wonder where he gets lost last place. It's because he sees you making these weird contraptions. Like, you're not an inventor, by the way.

I am an inventor. I am inventing things, therefore I am an inventor. Then what is this? What is it supposed to do? What is this supposed to do? It looks like it has a swing arm. It looks like a giraffe that's trying to have an orgasm. It's supposed to help me button up my shirts in the morning when I'm too sleepy to do it myself. This is a wooden contraption that's going to automatically button your shirt for you.

Yes, it's going to automatically button my shirt for me. Let's see it. Let's see a demonstration. No, you don't deserve it. You don too sleepy to do it myself. This is a wooden contraption that's gonna automatically button your shirt for you. Yes, it's gonna automatically button my shirt for me. Let's see a demonstration. No, you don't deserve it. You don't deserve to see it. It can't do it. It can't do it. It's not finished yet. It's barely started. I

want a hug! Now! Grow up! Make your voice commensurate with your age. I haven't seen that kind of passion from you in 13, 14 years. Is that all it took? Is that all you needed for you to find your voice again? Our son to not have grown up past the age of seven? Yeah.

That's a lot. That's five years of stunted growth in our kid, and that's all it took is the what you're choosing to frame it. That's a lot. That's a lot. You know what, sweetie? I would like a hug. What kind of hug?

You know what kind of hug? Go upstairs and wait for me. Can I have a hug too? No, Jax, go over to Aiden's house. Fine. Your friend? Yeah, but he lives like 20 minutes away. Can you drive me?

No. Fine. He's just going to bully me when I get there. Bill's character. Fine. Goodbye, mother. Wait. gonna bully me when i get there bill's character fine goodbye mother wait say that again honey i'm waiting goodbye mother i'm going to aiden's house no wait no i'm growing up let me give you a hug no let me give you a hug no get back from me back away get off Get off with you. Shoot. No, I like the cadence of your voice, but the turns of phrases you're using are like medieval almost. Away, wench.

For I must flee. What? The fuck? What is this familial unit? Are you coming or not, honey? I'm waiting. I am. I just, everyone focused.

You be normal. You be patient. And I guess I'll be a little less withholding. Right? So can I have that hug before I go, mom? Yes, come here oh get away from me wench uh all right should we do our last segment so fucking bizarre This should be all we want.

So fucking bizarre. It's like our version of waiting for Godot. Why is it during the holidays that the scenes that we do become indie dramas? Is that what it was? I don't know what that was. That was Brigsby Bear Meats. But I remember last year around

this time as we did Simon like because that was for the car antlers and so I don't know what it is about this time of year. It's just like, oh my God. What's been shaking you?

What's been shaking you? Not this. Oh my God. What has been shaking? Well, me, Daniel and I are certified open water scuba divers. That's really cool. I started scuba diving when I was like 10. And so I haven't done it since then really. And,

um, Daniel got certified. So I'm certified with him. And so we went to, excuse me catalina island to do our open water like ocean dives yeah i've grown up in los angeles the only time i went to catalina is for like a sixth grade like science trip and so we didn't go to like the actual city of avalon we went to just like you know a little nature reserve and like slept in a cabin for two days um catalina is so cute it's very

wild it's like santa barbara meets disneyland i don't really get it but it's it's very it's really cute um and we went diving saw a lot of fish saw some kelp forests i forgot how much i love diving it was so much fun. And I'm so excited to have got to do it with Daniel. It was great. It was just a really fun time. That's awesome. Yeah, it was great.

But what shook me, though, while we were there, and I sent a photo of this to Jeff, Daniel and I were taking a walk one night and there's a bunch of put this on the instagram yeah there's a bunch of um you know like little gift shops around whatever like selling catalina merch i guess but there was one and just kind of like he's like island threads like that's my name of the store but it threads with a z and like there it is but there's's one store that in the window had all of these like baby onesies.

But the text on the onesies has nothing at all to do with Catalina. But at the bottom of everything, it says Catalina Island. So you have onesies that say, my aunt got me this shirt because she is cool. Catalina Island. You have one that says, daddy is the boss until mommy comes home.

Catalina Island. Grandchildren get 99% of awesomeness from their grandmother. Catalina Island. Awesomeness. I'm going to post this on the Instagram. None of this has anything to do with where you are. Yeah. It's unbelievable.

And also the font is like clip art, like word art. It's amazing. Like I'm going to post this, but like, look at the coloring. It's like you're making a PowerPoint presentation. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the, uh, the gradient. Yes.

Things in PowerPoint. It's pretty phenomenal. So we were just staring at that for a good amount of time. It has nothing to do with anything. You could be anywhere and you could get a shirt that says Grandpa's Little Boy. So that's what shook me. Stuff like that is never not funny to me. Who's living on Catalina Island and then being like oh you know it'd be

good like and then who goes and gets that it's like oh my god i went to catalina for the weekend i brought back some presents and one a little onesie says i pooed like little lowercase i p-o-o-d catalina island that sucks like sucks. Like, what would you do if you had a baby? And, like, I brought that back fully earnest. Like, I got this. I thought it was really cute and funny. Like, what would you actually do? I'd be like, thanks.

And then toss it, obviously. And then months go by and I'm like, I've never seen the kid wear it. You should put it on. You know, I don't. It didn never seen the kid wear it. You should put it on. You know, I don't. It didn't. Yeah, it sucked. I'm not going to lie to you.

I pooed Catalina Island. What's been shaking you, Jeffrey? Honestly, just this move. I'm moving to New York. I'll be in New York by the time this comes out. And the last time I moved, I was 17. So. But you're moving temporarily.

Yeah, for like 12 weeks, but a little bit more than 12 weeks. But still, it's like. No, that was just more self-soothing for me to be like, you're not gone forever. I can't move to New York forever. But it feels like a move because of how much I've had to pack. Yeah. And you're gone for like multiple months. It's the longest I will have not been in L.A. other than when I was home during the pandemic. But I don't think that really counts because it was my parents' house and during the pandemic.

That's so exciting. So I'm excited. And as we know, famously, the pandemic is over. Famously, COVID is eradicated. It's gone. It was eradicated. So that's exciting. We should celebrate.

We should celebrate. But that's so awesome. So what day do you get to the big Granny Smith? The big crapple? The big crapple. The big grapple. The big Sunday, the big grapple, the big grappling with the idea of change. That's so exciting.

Uh, in five days. Will you send me pics of your place? Yeah. I'm in an Airbnb for the first couple of days. And then I move into my friend on it. Cause shall I? Where?

You don't have to tell me on the pod. It's in Piccadilly Circus so not in London that's alright what? should we thank some VI patrons? before that

should I say that you can follow Riley Anspa on Instagram at Riley Anspa on Twitter at Riley Coyote and the show

on Instagram at Review Review and on Reddit r slash Review Review you can follow Mefri on Instagram at Jeffery James on Twitter

at Jeff Boyardee and at the time of recording Tuesday November november 23rd we have a vip zardi tonight huge if true it is so it is only if true uh both of those things are so it's huge and it's true okay so here we go i'm so excited to read everyone's And you know what I'm done with you Connor You're a coward and a prick And from day one you've irked me

Well what about Christian side hugs For chastity Aaron Adam Shea Agent Michael Scarn is thankful for Riley and Jeff And also all the VI patrons Y'all are so funny and I love hearing your names every week. Aw, me too.

Aggie. Oh, Alex Witt. Ako is taking the first step on the journey to self-actualization. Don't text, but be sure to hit her line. So text, obviously. Always look on the fried side of rice. All that glitters is not cluff.

And now a patron who needs no introduction. So moving on. Bob Mule. Brad Donaldson. Brad Hill. Brian Dodd. Chuck. Chasten Bales. Chief Queef. Jesus. Come on, dude. Say it. Jeff A, Jeff B, Jeff C, Jeff D, Jeff E, Jeff F, Jeff G, Jeff H, Jeff J, Jeff I, Jeff J,

Jeff K, Jeff L. I'm not going to keep going. Cullen. Devin doesn't miss Fiona anymore. He's, well, fine now. Curbature. Dolly Fartin. So it's Dolly Partin with, well, gas.

Fancy octopus. Frito Prey Love. Gabriel Castaneda. Jeff, if you can hear me, blink thrice. Daddy Back is testing a theory. Gray Rock and Roll Kingslayer. Coolest fucking name I've ever heard. Greg Bird 4 on Stranger Times.

Hey, Jeff, could you please have anyone from Haver Delivered Allow on the HeadGum Podcast please? Holly I guess look down but I wake up again I'll never stop hounding. Buell pay me back. I literally only subscribe so I could force Jeff and Riley to say trans rights xoxo In a very real sense TR

Jackson Hansel meow Jake Ullman Jamison Ponce feels honored that jeff got a tattoo of the last happy memory i've had of riley being a lemon jay jeff either give me a hoodie or spell your name correctly jay um i'm right sorry no oh yes new patron yes uh jeff either give me a hoodie or spell your name correctly love jack jesse tipton John Daniels, wow, he didn't use a stupid joke this time And that's what makes him the best name of all John Quinones Josh Jeffrey James Pike

JP again, but no, real talk Where do I send this theme song, my Bob? Reviewreviewshow at gmail.com Caleb lost his luster again Friends took it Lauren Millang Leah Pah Lord Hunter the Ordained

Maggie Anderson Malik Mark Priest Michael Begul Moe Pete the Cowardly Dog Mona Moore Raquel has given up on trying to get Jeff to pronounce her name right So we'll instead make him say Laundis

Musha Lasagna knows what Jeff did and is gonna tell the world. My hoodie has arrived. I can forego my plans to kidnap Jeff and chain him in my basement. Nate Porteous is the patron saint of, well, me. No, it's Rory and Davey's Zooeyland. Noel Murphy is employed and wetter than ever. Not a typo.

His roommate's bullying with Constance Twirly is a knee in dessert. Not all that glitters is mold. Orangey Glow doesn't have any. Phoebe. Quok. Sarah Kildiffitters is mold. Orange, you're glad it isn't Halle. Phoebe. Quok. Sarah Kildiff. Soap.

TJ Michael. Warmed corned beef, specifically. www.jeffreyjames.com was taken, dot com, was taken, dot com.

Yara Bouchard. Yasmin David. And Z. Oops, I fell asleep and forgot to thank Damien Kirk, but oh well,

he probably doesn't deserve it anyway. So thank you guys all for subscribing at the highest tier, patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff if you want to come to maybe some of these holiday Zardies. But if not, we'll see you guys again next

week. Arrivederci! It's the best head-down podcast show Won't you read a review? You know all the rules by now But if not, this one's for you First they go on hill then they'll need some help riley jeff and a special guest It's a Hart's Kindred book, my friend, and her name is Zona Gale Cause when you're watching Buster Bluth, you will call him Tony Hale

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This F is brought to you by Fran. We're not here to discuss my parents' divorce. Take your crazy ass on home. Jeff won't always be alone. alone Whoa, it's our favorite show Review, review That was a HeadGum original.