Review Revue - Fitbits

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Welcome back to Review Revue, a podcast where Alf and Reilly read reviews on Fitbits find out they're half-cat, half-weirdo.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome back, everybody, to Review Review, the podcast, the only podcast on the internet where we find the wackiest, craziest, zaniest reviews on the internet and turn them through our crazy minds into wicked improv. I know things are getting scary when you can't get the punch it off the top of the widget board The wide open road to doggy dickhead now is looking fucking narrow

All I know is that I don't know, all I know is that I don't know Gremlins, all I know is that I don't know, all I know is that I don't know Improv, we get told to decide Which hoes asses chime Just like a zoop I'm not gonna change my mind All I know is that I don't know All I know is that I don't know, Barwell All I know is that I don't know All I know is that I don't know, Evans Evans What you gonna do with your socks what better make up your mind What you're gonna do with all your gummies running out of time All I know is that I don't know All I know is that I don't know, Riley

All I know is that I don't know All I know is that I don't know, Info I'm in secret town, bitch. Sheesh. Sheesh. Sheesh. That was a banger from Riley. The title of the email is up late thinking of another song an operation ivy parody for alfred and riley i don't know the song but the rendition um was one in a million that was dare i say fire um i know the band. I can't say it was an

incredibly recognizable rendition, but hey. But hey, listen, we're not trying to tell you who's ass to think is chine. That's up to you. If you think my A-star star is C-H-I-N-E, then who am I?

It's cheese and fine. Then who are we to tell you otherwise? If you had to pick one, cheese or wine. Cheese or wine? The rest of your life, you only have one of the things. Oh, fuck. Cheese. Yeah, that's easy for me.

Wine! But thank you, Riley, for sending in that theme song. That was good. Which reminds us. That was really good stuff, guys. Guys, we need some more songs. We're running low. We do.

And, but, but, we have a challenge. And Riley, I don't want you to think that we only played your song because we were running low. That's not what happened. No, that's not what happened. We're running low and we have a challenge for you guys. We would love some more songs that aren't, kind of, that isn't using the music from another song. So whether it's

acapella song, whether it's original songs, we're really just trying to just, we're just trying to be a little safer about licensing. The reality is I don't like it, you don't like it, but we live in a world with copyright where copyright is a thing and where you can

be stricken for having that. And so let's not do that, guys. So let's challenge ourselves. Let's make some original stuff. Or here's a thought. And this is for free. Do a cover of a song that's out of copyright.

It's 150 years old. Give us a traditional Irish folk song. Give us Pachelbel's Canon, but with words. Give us Happy Birthday. Give us Happy Birthday. Give us Mary Had a Little Podcast, and her name was Review Review. The opportunities are endless, but we are very

grateful. We are loving the songs. We can't wait for more. You guys are so creative and so talented. So talented. So thank you guys for sending them in. Much more talented than we are. We'd are some more i can't fucking sing for shit i know yeah alf what's new oh hey we're trying what if what if we were just like what if we hey welcome back to oh hold on i'm gonna do a genuine one i'm gonna do a genuine one imagine if this was our show come Come on, I believe in you.

Hey guys, welcome back to Review Review, the podcast where we do long form improvisational comedy based on the zaniest reviews from all over the internet. I'm your host, Riley Anspaugh, with my co-host... Alfred Bardwell Evans. I feel like I've had a lobotomy. Let me try one, let me try one. Okay, do it for real I'm gonna do it 100% earnest Welcome back everybody

To Review Review the Podcast The only podcast on the internet Where we find the wackiest Craziest Zaniest reviews On the internet And turn them through our crazy minds Into wicked improv

Wicked improv? It's wicked improv. What's new with you, bitch? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Here's what's new with me. I'm drinking coffee. That's hot, but it's cold now. Get into it.

I had hot coffee, but it cooled down, I guess is what I'm saying. When was it hot? Like, how long ago was it hot? Oh, what time is it? 1.30, probably two hours ago. Okay. You didn't put it in the microwave or... Oh, God, no.

Huh. I don't believe in doing that. I don't do that. I don't fucking do that. Meat croissant. Okay. I want to brag about something, though. Oh, my God. Love it. I want to brag about something though Oh my god love it

I want to brag about something Okay yes I stumbled upon on the internet A porn A porno film It says that hot singles in my area Are waiting for me I don't want to brag

But I was recently informed That there are many horny milfs in my area who are extremely excited to meet me. And I can do it for a very small fee. And so I think I might. No, I found a banana bread recipe online. And I tried it once. And it was like, okay, but I i learned some stuff and i did it again a second time made a double batch and i made two of i shit you not the most incredible loaves of

banana bread oh oh banana bread two of the most incredible loaves of banana bread incredible loaves of banana bread literally though they're so good they are what do you think was the key i think the key is so many banana bread recipes it's just kind of like eggs bananas flour sugar butter oil bang it in bang it out put it in the oven this one has you whip whip the sugar and the eggs together for like 10 minutes so you get this really light and fluffy, almost like a meringue. Like you might find in an eaten mess. Get into it. Like an eaten mess. Like last week's episode.

Okay. That we didn't record five minutes ago. Oh, that was a weird one. That was very frightening. I didn't like doing it. I scared myself. But, and then you whip it and you get all that air in there. And then that, it just makes it was so

moist it is deliciously moist it is so moist and light at the same time it's like the perfect like squishy like it is just that's amazing it is genuinely maybe the best banana bread i've ever had and i'm not just saying that because i made it and i had a slice for breakfast this morning and it was like i mean it was transcendent Daniel's mom made an amazing banana bread recently and she said she's like the reason why this is better than the like than other ones I've made is because

it's all about how you incorporate the ingredients it's like you just said it's not just about banging in banging out it's just like you gotta be really mindful with your dry ingredients with your wet ingredients and how you incorporate as such. 100%. 100%.

And I love putting chalky chips in my banana bread. I don't know about you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just gives you a little texture because I don't like nuts in banana bread. I don't either. God, we're so alike. I rarely make banana bread, but I love a pumpkin bread.

I like making pumpkin bread. I'm obsessed with pumpkin bread. I mean, pumpkin bread. There was a farmer's market near my house growing up where I would go and get banana bread by the loaf. And my brother and I would just eat it. You can't see what I'm- Pumpkin bread or banana bread? Pumpkin bread.

We would eat the pumpkin bread. I'm trying to think of a way to describe it. I'm just sort of miming. I don't think of a way to describe what you're doing. What are you giving up? It looks like he is eating a pickle, if that makes sense. It's like you're in Paris and you have a big hunk of baguette and you kind of like gnaw off the side. That's the merch that he's getting. So you're not cutting off of it.

You're just sort of unwrapping it like it's a candy bar. Taking chunks out of a loaf of banana bread. Like a beast. Like a wild beast. Like some sort of feral animal. That's amazing. I wish I had a slice of that. I wish I had a slice.

I'll say it. I mean, yeah, you can't. Not easily. What's new with me? Thank you so much for asking. Didn't, won't, ever. Thank you so much for asking Thank you so much for asking Since nobody cares how mom's doing

I guess I'll go Fuck myself It's Christmas morning And I've been making breakfast for everyone While they're opening presents Oh interesting No presents for mom under the tree Oh isn't that interesting

Mom kind of makes the magic of Christmas happen But who's making magic for mom Who's making magic for mom under the tree. Oh, isn't that interesting? Mom kind of makes the magic of Christmas happen, but who's making magic for mom? Who's making magic for mom? What's new with me? Yes, you. What is new for you? I've been getting into watching YouTube. Fuck off.

For real. 18 years too late, dude. I know. I think I've said this before on the pod but it's like i'm like yeah i'll watch a vlog i'll watch you i'll watch you melt every lush soap into one big soap yeah why not i'll watch you try every margaritaville in the country why not it's like i'm having fun with it do you want to promote some of these creators here's the thing I don't know their names hmm I don't know their names

so you're on a lot of drugs when you watch these no I'm forgetting how to pronounce her name Safiya Safiya Nygaard I'm probably butchering her name but she used to work at Buzzfeed and she has like a very popular YouTube channel I think she has like

10 million subscribers and she does a lot of like she does a lot of like she and her husband will like stay at like crazy hotels like do a lot of travel stuff or do a lot of like she has a series that's like the internet made me try it so it's like you know her getting her makeup done by a robot and reviewing it or like it's a lot of travel a lot of tech

it's fun so I enjoy it I just've just like, sue me. Sue me. I'll watch a YouTube video. I mean, like, get off my fucking back. I didn't say shit. I was curled up on the couch last night watching this woman melt every bar of soap from Lush and make one big Franken-bar of soap.

And I was happy. And that's not normal for you, is what you're saying. That's like a new development. No, it's normally I'll be watching TV or TikTok, but now I'm like- Prestige TV. I'll be watching Prestige TV, like the traitors, get into it. Did you, you know Paul Walter Hauser?

Yes, Blackbird. Did you see his Emmy speech? Uh-uh. Okay. That's a little fun for after the pod okay it's i loved blackbird oh i know you did i loved richard jewell but richard jewell the biopic him and kathy bates i didn't see that oh it was great he's a fantastic actor his episode of i think you should leave is so funny um i gotta go i gotta go i gotta go um but his emmy speech is crazy i'm excited he raps i'll say it he raps okay okay at the emmys at the emmys his award speech

is him doing a rap and the rap may or may not include him giving a shout-out to the big man upstairs. Okay. I'm fascinated. What made you think of that? Um, I genuinely don't remember. Oh, it's because I was like, you don't normally watch YouTube. You normally watch prestige dramas like Blackbird, because you've been talking about Blackbird a lot recently, kind of like making it your whole personality. And I was like, Paul Walter Hauser, Blackbird, Emmy speech.

I had meant to talk to you about that already. Yes. I have not seen his Emmy speech, but I have seen Taron Egerton shirtless in the scene where they arrest him in his home and he spills smoothie on himself and they tackle him to the floor. Oh, wow. My heart rate is really climbing up. Wonder how I know that.

How did you know that your heart rate Because I got a Fitbit We're talking about Fitbits today because I got one So what's your history with Fitbit? My history with Fitbit is I was thinking about this last night I remember, and this is just being a product of Growing up and being a up in the early being a child

in the early 2000s very much in like um slim fast culture very much in like that kind of the world and i remember having a step counter as a child if you can believe it fucked up bad how far we've come back then it was like there was a little ball and it was like you attach it to your hip and like and the ball like it would move with your movement it was so analog that was just a bell that your mom put on you so she could keep track of you um but anyway then when i got to theater school i'm uh people were like all of our classes were just like so physical and movement based and like i remember seeing people with fitbits i'm like oh that'd be interesting to try but like why

as an 18 year old when i need to track my steps i don't know and it's like we were so incredibly active in college there was no way you weren't moving enough no but i got one in college but just like the little one we were all sick and i And I just like, I think I taught, it was one that was like, it, I think I got an old kind of bracelet one. I had it for years. Anyway, I lost my first one a couple of years ago.

How'd you lose it? And I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea where it is. And it's probably somewhere like, I haven't cleaned out my spaces in my room in a while. So there may be just, I haven't cleaned out the spaces in my room. My bedside table. be just i haven't cleaned out the uh spaces in my room

in a while that's what i that's the phrase i'm about to say what the hell i like tore it apart yesterday that's usually where it is and it wasn't there so i have no idea where it is um may it rest uh peacefully but i working on survivor i'm like, that'd be like, it's I'm so active there. Like it'd be, it'd be nice to track. And so I was thinking like, man, I, do I get an Apple watch? And then I'm like, I was looking up and like, God, it's so expensive. I don't want an iPad on my body. Like I already have my phone. I already have music. Like I just, I would want to track. Cause also it's like, I work out, I go to the gym, I work out at home and I'm i just i would want to track because also it's like i work out i go to the gym i work out at home and i'm like i would want to track my workouts track my steps and track my heart rate because as a thyroid girly i need to make sure that like my blood pressure

and my heart my heart is okay with my uh while i'm on my thyroid medication um and so i looked up different models of fitbits and compared to college there are so many more now there are so many i know i remember originally it was like oh my god there's two versions there's blue and red yes and now it's like i have the inspire three okay is the kind i have here i'm showing it on camera oh yeah yeah i have the inspire three i'm loving it so far it's great band that's a cute little band it's a cutie little band um i also i have kind of like the silicone one it comes with but i also got um a like stainless steel hypoallergenic one just in case this starts to irritate but anyway fitbits are half the price of an apple watch more so more than half the price

like a fraction of the price like depending on what kind of apple watch you get and they do all the same shit that you kind of like me like i don't wear it to sleep i'm not i'm not that active where it's like i'm tracking workouts in such an intense way but it's like it does all the things i needed to do and this model it like it tracks certain like you know you called me the other day and i was able to answer this on my wrist and pick it up on my phone like it's certain things i was like i don't really care about that and I was able to answer this on my wrist and pick it up on my phone. Like it's certain things. I was like, I don't really care about that. And it was seamless. No, but this morning when you called me, that's how I answered. And so it's getting better at it. But anyway, it's like, if you don't want an Apple watch, was just like another phone on your hand. You just said I answered the phone with my wrist.

I'm saying another iPhone. Like it does so much shit. It's true. It's unnecessary. And some people really like all that. That's too much for me. And they're dumb. And it's too bulky. They're dumb.

But that's why I got a Fitbit. If you like that shit, you're fucking stupid. I will say though, just some of the technology. It's like I was telling Alf that like yesterday I was washing dishes. And like because I was moving my wrist so much, it did say that I took like 30 to 40 steps while I was standing at my sink and so that's the part of it that I'm like hey we're learning we're growing do I want to and elf goes I told him I got a fit fit and he goes well just make sure that you don't become the type person who's obsessed with steps and I said become mom I've been I've already been tracking that on my phone

and I said it's not accurate enough he has an essay that he wrote about because he lives on like a country estate in the UK and the road that the like manor is on there's like a lot of litter and he became obsessed with picking up all the litter on the street

I remember this and he would wear his Fitbit and it was like he would go out and he would pick up trash and like the first couple months it was like 10 000 steps and then he was like well that's so easy 20 30 40 50 and then before he knew it he was making himself walk 60 000 steps picking up and so he was walking he every single day he would pick up trash for five hours and he was was like, why am I doing this again? And it's like, I know you and I are both that kind of obsessive personality. Where it's just like, give me a statistic to track.

So I've never had a... Ask me if I'm into Fitbits. Have you ever had a Fitbit? Are you into a Fitbit? Am I into Fitbits? I'm into fitness bit in my mouth. But I... I knew it was coming and I was still um I've never had a Fitbit what I do own somewhere I god knows where it ended up

is a is a Jarman watch I'm sorry Jarman Garman Jarman Garman you familiar stop saying Jarman Garman I have no idea what you're talking about I G-A-R-M-I-N. I don't know what that is. They make GPSs, but they also make watches. They have GPSs in them. What I do own is a compass. Oh, but what I have is, of course, my sextant and the stars, by which I can navigate the whole wide world.

No, but I have... Aw, you've activated my astrology card. Aw, you've activated my Garman. But it's... you know they do like gps watches so that like when you're running outside you don't have to like keep track mentally and be like okay this is like a mile you know it just sort of does it all for you and then you're like okay great i ran 12 miles and oh my god the burping but when i was um really into running during the pandemic i got one of those and

i really liked it and it did do the heart rate stuff but then i found myself becoming completely obsessed with the heart rate like yes that's what i'm venturing into which is not good no and it's like nothing artificially changes your heart rate more than fixating on it you know what i mean of course it's like i famously have um a tiny little bit of post-traumatic stress to do with my accident and hospitals. Every time I go to the doctor, heart rate 130. It's like so insanely high because I hate fucking hospitals. And so it's like when you're fixating on your heart rate all the time, you're just going to drive it up. It's going to go up, up, up, up, up.

Of course. I have because I have anxiety. And I also have. Thank you so much. And I also have my thyroid stuff going on. Right. And I have low iron, which I learned can make your heart rate higher because the heart's working a little harder with low iron. I didn't know that.

Anyway, yeah, I don't want to get into the hypochondriac of it all, but I'm doing my best to not look at heart rate stuff too too much um but anyway i'm loving my fitbit i i find that it helps me it's like especially because i work so much of my fucking days at a desk at my computer and so it does i really like that like it gives a little beep it's like time to move i think that's good and i'm like you're right um and so that's nice and And it's cute. It's cutie. And it's not as bulky as the Apple Watch. Like, it's, I find that the Apple Watch is just, it's so big. It's so big. I'm too small.

I'm just a small bean. I couldn't possibly be expected to have the bulky watch. If I put the Apple Watch on my wrist, it'll sink me to the bottom of the ocean. I'll be like a hitman, tied rocks around me, and that's how quickly I'll sink. If I'm wearing a freaking Apple Watch, I won't even be able to get out of bed in the morning. It's so heavy. It's like, I can't even lift my arm. I'm just so tiny.

Oh, if I wear my Apple Watch, if I try and answer the phone, my wrist will break in half. Let's set an intention. Okay. I set the intention for the boba. Far, far, far, far, far, far. Far?

I'm feeling something with an F. Let me cook. Let me cook. Far-fin. Far-far-far-far-far-fin. Far-fin. Far-ting. I'm feeling something. Let me cook. Let me cook. Farfin. Far, far, far, far, farfin. Farfin. Farfing. Farfing.

Farfing. Farfing. Farting. Farfing. I think this is going to be our most frantic episode. Frantic. Frantic. Like my heart rate.

Like my heart rate because I just downed this coffee. It's going to be the most frantic episode yet. So, Alf, do you want to start us off? I'd love it if you did. This is for the Fitbit Lux. Ooh, bougie. This is like basically the kind of this one is that it's like it's supposed to look like jewelry. It just looks like a Fitbit.

Fitbit Lux fitness and wellness tracker with stress management, sleep tracking 24-7 heart rate, black graphite, one size, small and large bands included. This is from Isabelle A. Isabella thing-a-ring? Isabella thing-a-ring. Isabella thing-a-ring? Oh my god, Isabella thing-a-Ring? Oh my god, Isabella Thing-a-Ring.

Four stars. The title is I Like It Mostly. My son got this for me, and I chose this style mostly because I was looking for a less bulky watch that still had an alarm and a timer. I didn't really care

that much about all the other features. However, wearing it has made me conscious of my heart rate throughout the day, and I've been shocked at how often I was getting stressed out and causing my heart rate to get really high. So this has made me way more mindful of that and has gotten me to be intentional about reducing stress. Well, she actually wrote refusing. That's funnier.

Has gotten me more intentional about refusing stress and practicing deep breathing. The step calculator is also kind of fun. However, I don't think it's that accurate. The first morning after waking up with it on, it showed that I walked 75 steps while I slept, laughing emoji. I think it records every movement, whether brushing your teeth or kneading dough.

I don't know if a digital device can be improved upon in that way, but just for people to be aware before buying. Still, it is kind of motivating to get moving, especially after sitting a while. It reminds you to do so and then quote unquote rewards you when you do, smiley face. And every quote 10,000 steps, you even get confetti. A couple of cons that can be kind of annoying is that it doesn't show you the time simply by looking at it. You have to make sure you flip your wrist from upside down to right side up, or you have to squeeze the sides of the watch. i've issued swiping the screen to move it with various options oftentimes i'm swiping

over and over it's not shifting to the next screen it does get tiresome when i primarily just want to see the time and access the timer however i'm happy to have a watch that's more streamlined in appearance and i think more feminine oh my god she just wants a watch She just wanted a watch Techie son was like Nah mother you must get Yeah A mere watch isn't good enough for my mother And now she's like I'm self conscious about my heart rate

And like she's like I just want a watch and a timer I guess the rest of the stuff is fine too It does so many more things This woman just wanted i want a watch and a timer i guess the rest of the stuff is fine too it does so many more things this woman just wanted a wristwatch she just wanted like a casio like 8 30 whatever like digital wristwatch yeah also i love the idea of it being like i think it counts too many steps because the first morning first morning i woke up and it said I had already walked 90 miles that day. She'd been sleepwalking.

Oh, this is crazy. What is it? Remember how we got those Fitbits, you know, the other day? Yes. The other day. You mean our anniversary? Sorry. Yeah.

On our anniversary. We got those his and hers Fitbits. Yes. How many steps has yours said you've done today? Well, I mean, Henry, I haven't even gotten out of bed. No, I know, that's why I'm wondering. To go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, so I don't know, 20? Right, right.

What about you? What, you running marathons in your sleep, you crazy man? No, not that. It does say 15K steps. 15,000 steps. Well, no. Let me see. That's probably just 15.

Look at the watch. Look at the watch. What the fuck? Did you notice me in the night i maybe it was just because i was you know how i i move in the night a lot you were obsessed with moving in the night but like i shake and i twitch and i scream a lot of the night terrors do you think that could be enough to get me to 15 000 steps i can't imagine that it would you You know what? Tonight, we should just put... We should record ourselves sleeping.

Just to see. Just to see what happens. I know, but... Oh, come on. I know you don't like being on camera, but it's just for... I'm camera shy. I know you are, but... I can never perform.

Why wouldn't we want to check? No, it's not... We wouldn't be recording that. Okay, but we are going to be... We know what happened last time. But we are going to be doing that, right? What's that? What? No, and's not. We wouldn't be recording that. Okay, but we are going to be. We know what happened last time. But we are going to be doing that, right? What's that? What? No, and I think, yeah, let's record it.

And you think what? Yeah, no, I think, yeah, I think we can both agree that, like, what we did last time with the recording of that, what we're talking about was not, was not a good idea. No, it's... Can I be honest? Yes. I don't think that it wasn't a good idea, because the idea on its own is pretty fun, and pretty naughty, and pretty sexy.

Yes. So the idea itself isn't bad. The casting, however... What do you mean, the casting? I guess I just mean, like, you know, the idea of it with a different cast is great. We're just not camera people. I know.

I mean, I... Can I be honest? Please. It felt, while we were doing it, like... Yeah. It didn't feel... How do I put this? It didn't feel authentic.

On your end? Well, on both. We wouldn't normally wear those costumes while we're doing that. So why would we wear it just because we're filming? You know what I mean? It felt like we were trying too hard, I think. Can I be honest? Be honest, please.

When I said that we are not camera people like we are not suited to be on camera here we go i was being nice yeah i think that i have the face for it and the body to boot not that you don't but i'm saying it's like sometimes your confidence because you see yourself as someone who's like, oh, my God, I could. I looked so weird in in that hot dog on a stick uniform. I looked so weird, you know, bumping up against you as you were wearing the Auntie Anne's uniform. Like we were doing that mall cosplay. And I think that it was just like if you had the confidence, if you walked in being like, I work at Hot Dog on a Stick, and I'm going to get my hot dog into your pretzel,

then it would have been different. And I mean, the moment we met, I took one look at you, and I said, my God, she has a face for porn. And a body to boot. And a body to boot. And a body to boot. But that face is face for porn and a body to boot and a body to boot and a body to boot but that face is for built for porn and you know what and it's like i said when i looked at you i actually well i said i didn't say it out loud to you i said in my head what i said out loud to you was oh my god you're the most beautiful man i've ever seen that is what you said out loud to me i i can't believe we're running into each other in this bath and body works. But what I said in my head was, God, he would be such an amazing porn producer.

He has the energy to produce porn. That's really... Ethically. That's a really interesting read of me. I guess I've never seen myself that way, but they say that the ones who love you know you better than you know yourself. Exactly. And so that's why it's like you know when we did our tape the other night right your confidence in the performance of it was not there but you were

very much even you you kind of went above and beyond maybe too far you were like are we covid compliant do we have like do we have the w9s out? I do. As we were bumping up against each other, as you said, I couldn't help but feeling like I looked over and I saw the tripod. Yeah. And I saw Jeremy behind it and I thought, I wish I could trade places with him. Yes. And I felt that energy from you.

I kind of thought I would be more comfortable behind the camera and Jeremy in the costume. Oh, so you want. Well, no, I just. No, I. Anyway, I think we got off track here. No, I don't. We can.

We can. We can see if I'm on the ring camera walking around. Or the simply safe. Should we check the simply safe uh yeah no we uh let's let's do let's let's do the let's do the ring because i know we don't have cameras in the room but we have them you know outside like um okay do you remember the login for the i haven't looked in a while yeah uh it's uh the baker's house you know you and me yes the bakers and then the password is uh is porn porn corn that's right porn okay

so we're okay yep and the only reason i just want to say that it's like, you're going to, you're going to see the only reason that Jeremy, that you're going to see Jeremy on the screen at like 1am is because he was dropping off. I asked him to put our video on tape so that it wasn't kind of like in the cloud. So if you see him like coming over at like one, that's what that is. And he comes inside.

He has the key, you know, he's our assistant assistant so he has a key and he can get in and yeah yeah leave that there but one in the morning little he couldn't have dropped it off today or he listen he acts like he's his own boss now you're going outside with him well i'm going outside because i want to make sure it's dark i want to make sure that he felt okay to walk to his car okay but then you're gonna have to walk back from the car to the house by yourself he's gonna drop me well so what's gonna happen you're gonna see me getting in the car with him and what's that what's happening with that is that then he's gonna drive me back to the house so i don't have to walk alone at night okay yep i see that okay and so now what you see so when you see yeah explain this when you see him putting on the

hot dog outfit that you had worn right we shot that scene it's because he's like i want to do a rehearsal i want to do a rehearsal so he's like it'll make me a better cameraman if i kind of have a sense of what angles are gonna happen okay i don't really get that but um and now you're putting on a costume well it's the same kind of thing he's like i want to know how the costumes bump up against each other so that like i have a better sense of the cameraman of what he's dressed as a hot dog on the stick and of course you've now dressed up as a large slice of sabaro pizza um oh, okay. Okay, wow. That, what you're seeing there,

that is us having sex independently of anything else. That was because we have wanted to for a long time. Oh. And because I feel like you and I have had a disconnect. And so that's what that was. That's really, sorry, I have had a disconnect. And so that's what that was. That's really. Sorry, I'm just a little shaken. But I think if we fast forward, I thought I saw maybe like your foot or something.

No, I. Wow, good for Jeremy. No, it's I mean, it's unbelievable. I would not. It's unbelievable. Gun to my head would never. Yeah. No, no. And why would you and why

would you yeah wow yeah good for jeremy i know i know he must work out too because that's wow um i hope this isn't weird no it's not weird it's surprising uh-huh it's a little weird it's a little weird it's a little weird but you know what i can't shake how you got 15k steps where did the steps come from where did the steps come from you know and i wish i could i certainly got more right my heart rate last night and the thing is i didn't have many steps because because i didn't you know because you were how far are we walking? We were laying down. But my heart rate was through the roof. So that's what that was. But for you, I still don't understand why you, how that happened, you know? Yeah, I guess.

Oh, and now I'm leaving. There you are. Oh, my God. Where are you going? So I don't know. I'm watching you for quite a while good for jeremy wow nice so you don't remember any of this no no memory at all no you do not remember seeing us and i'm walking away okay uh-huh okay and i'm coming i'm coming back and marlo

okay margo's there margo the, the neighbor. Our neighbor Margo. Oh my God, what was Margo doing up at two in the morning? She's got two kids. Two kids under five. So she needs to sleep. Well, Lord knows

her husband is always gone. Oh God. Okay, now she's putting all that... I didn't notice her outside at all. You are looking like you're in the zone.

I'm not surprised. I am in the zone. No, no, no. The thing about it is that it's like Jeremy is a magnet A magnet with a magnum A magnum magnet

A magnum magnet man Now where Did you are you We're in the bushes we are in those bushes Do you see in the corner Oh my god yes yes And she is She is pegging me.

Wow. You have no memory of this. I have no memory of this. You know what I still can't wrap my head around now? Why can't you wrap your head around? How did you get 15,000 steps? Because I'm passively there. I'm on the ground.

I'm getting pegged. You are just laying down. There's no way the steps, you know. She has my wrists tied together. There's no way the steps, you know. She has my wrists tied together. There's no way. So you aren't even moving. I'm not even moving. It's not even like the watch is like tracking stuff that isn't really steps.

Oh, can be. Can be. There's no movement for me. This is crazy. This is crazy. Do you, should we have them over? I would love that. Should we do like a thing with them?

I think that would be so much fun. And honestly, it's like you know how much i've been wanting to get this neighborhood together and get the community together and like i feel like it would be really real i just i mean it's since the pandemic oh i says i mean kovat changed everything but now um now that the pandemic's over right it's done there's no more it's done it doesn't exist k. COVID doesn't exist anymore. I just still, like, something feels, everything about this night is normal to me. Everything's checking the boxes. Except.

Except. How did I get those steps? You got 15,000 steps. That's crazy. Like, that's the craziest thing. Okay. Okay. Eagle.

Okay, she's done pegging. Eagle. An eagle sweeps down. And he's sort of circling. He's pecking. He's pecking. Okay. Now, this could pegging. Eagle. An eagle sweeps down, and he's sort of circling. He's pecking. He's pecking. Okay. Now, this could be something.

Let's go a little farther here. She's pegging. He's pecking. Pegging and pecking. And he's got it in his talons. He's got the Fitbit in his talons. And he's flying away. And he's flying away with it.

But then how did I get it back? Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. And Jeremy is a machine. I mean, enough about the pegging. Jeremy, I mean, he must have, I mean, I don't want to accuse him, but he must have been taking some supplement to do that. No, he is. We're on hour three.

It's not an unfounded accusation. He is taking supplements because he told me, he's like, I feel like I want to build up stamina. Well, honey, stamina built up. You're an ultra marathoner at this point. I mean... It's because he's like, you know, from behind the camera, I can see that it's like that Martin doesn't necessarily have that kind of

stamina. And so that's why it's happening. And I'm not ashamed to say I can't last three hours. No! No one can. Except Jeremy. Jeremy, clearly that hypothesis is proven wrong. The eagle is back! Okay, okay, there's the eagle again. It's circling. It's circling. It's circling.

And. Oh. Oh my God. Okay. Dropped it and a badger took it. Dropped it and a badger took it. And the badger's running around with it. The eagle's picking you up.

Eagle's picking me up. And I have no memory of this. I have no memory of this. But now I'm in the air and the Fitbit's on the ground. So now how does that make sense? So how does that make sense? Oh, the badger's digging. And it's digging.

And the badger's digging. Oh my God. So the Fitbit's underground at this point and I'm up in the air. But you know what? The Fitbit's probably feeling the motion of the badger like digging and digging and digging. Absolutely. But that's not the question. The question is now how does it get back on my wrist?

No. Yeah. No, no. That is unbelievable. I think the eagle thinks, either thinks that you're its baby or it's that you're food for baby. I, I, the way it picked me up,

I'm just looking at this video, does not feel like it thinks I'm its baby. I think food is much more right. And you don't remember this. You don't remember this at all. Okay, now Jeremy finally is, yep, and he's done and he's finished. He's done, but you know what's so funny?

He's done, but he never came. No way. He just decided he'd had enough. He decided he had enough. Wow, that is concerning in a way. He actually told me, he's like, I don't need to do that. Oh, that's really odd. I said, oh, did you?

And he goes, no, I don't need to do that. Huh. Oh, and the badger's on the surface. Oh, wow. And you pick it up. You take it and the badgers up and the badgers on the surface oh and you pick it up and you pick it up you take it from the badger oh babe that's what that was oh are you serious i thought it was the dog i thought i thought that lucky got it and that he was bringing it over you thought that that feral badger was our dog i was delir. I was having sex for three hours straight. Of course, you were dehydrated. There's no way you were lucid at that point. I got inside.

The thing I do remember, I chugged a Gatorade like there's no tomorrow. And that explains the stains on the bed. And that explains the stains on the bed. Well, no, that's interesting. I was chugging a yellow Gatorade. Well, then. So the orange. I got the orange Gatorade.

Okay, so now it's the orange Gatorade and you getting back on the ground. Well, you, oh, of course, because I'm still in the air. Yes. Of course I'm still in the air. Okay. Hold on, wait, no, fast forward. Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward.

There you, oh my God. It dropped you on Jeremy's car. That is a fall. That is a fall. Hood smashed, screen shattered. Hood smashed. See, I was already inside drinking Gatorade by this point. Because at first when I-

I definitely don't remember this. Wow. Because I would have thought, wow. Okay. I mean, I seem fine. I'm getting up. You seem fine now, looking at you now. Margo is, okay, she's put the strap away.

She's going back in her house. So it's just me outside. Jeremy's there. He's in the car, though. He's not moving. And I just walk back inside oh wow oh and jeremy and jeremy threw me a yellow uh an orange gatorade that's right there it is because you had the yellow and i had the orange there it is and then you must have just you just must have forgotten i must have just

i must have just that's what I forgot. Wow. Wow. Wow. And you have no memory. No memory. And can I be honest with you? Please. I wish you would. I feel fine. I mean, looking at that video, you'd think I'd be sore or something. You've not a scratch upon you. From ass

to talon to all the things that happened to me, I feel not a pain. Not a single pain. Not a soreness, not a bruising. That's really something. Huh. Can I be honest? Oh my god, please, for once. I love you. I love you

so much. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky. I'm so lucky that... What are the chances? What are the odds? No, I mean, it's like I'm so lucky i'm so lucky i'm so lucky i'm so lucky what are the chances what are the odds no i mean it's like i'm so lucky that jeremy like has the stamina that he does i'm so i'm so lucky that like margot is willing to experiment with you and and have that kind of play with you i'm so lucky that like you are so okay with all of that like you are so secure in yourself and i'm so lucky that you, when I say you have thick skin,

I mean it very literally. Oh, of course. Like the fact that like you could be picked up by an eagle. Leathery. Dragged around. Leathery. Yes.

Yes, leathery. Leathery. Like the height of a hippo. Yes. That's what the doctor said when I was born. Like the height of a hippo. Oh my God. My heart rate is,

I'm like really getting there. Let me call Jeremy. No. Don't call Jeremy. Oh. Enchante. Call Marco. Oh.

And call her I will. And you leave the room. Okay. Twit. Okay, getting less interested. Okay, sort of not involved anymore, but I support you. And you go get us some Gatorade. Okay, can I call Jeremy?

I don't think so. This is getting annoying. I'll take a break. When I was born, the doctor said, you have the height of a hippo and a face to produce pornography. And we're back the eagle has landed and has dropped us in our next review i'll take it away transition was fire okay this is for fitbit lux fitness and wellness tracker with stress management sleep tracking 24 7 heart rate black, one size, small and large bands included. Hey, same, same.

This is from Larry, no last name. Larry the Lobster. Larry the Lobster says. All you Spongebob heads out there know what I'm talking about. Yeah, if you're a sponge head, you're gonna fucking know about this. Okay, Ariana, five stars.

Happy wife, happy Ariana. Five stars. Happy wife. Happy life. It was a Christmas gift from my wife. It was a lot less expensive than the other gifts. But that's the gift that did it. Happy wife. Happy life.

Wait. So it was a Christmas gift for my wife. Happy wife, happy life. Wait. So. It was a Christmas gift for my wife. Oh, I thought it was from. For my wife. For my wife. It was a lot less expensive than the other gifts. But.

What a weird thing to say. That's the gift that did it. It's like he's mad that he spent the money on the other shit. It's like also. But in the review for the thing, it's like my wife loved this for christmas it was a great gift she was really happy right no no i just think it's interesting um you know it's like that's so wild it's like what are you actually mad about dude i know you're mad that you got your wife a gift that she liked Oh my god Thank god it's Thursday

I've been looking forward to this boys night all week Dude Since last Thursday I know I mean look I love my family But sometimes you just need a moment to chill out With the guys Dude I say that

I say that to Carol every morning, which sometimes is weird. But it's like, you know. That is a little much, maybe. I know. I'm sorry. Now, honestly, now that I've said that to you, maybe I shouldn't say we wake up. Just to clarify, you tell your wife every morning. Yes.

We wake up. She says, good morning, good morning. How are you? What's your day looking like and like we go through our days and then i say you know i love you and i love josephine seems good so far you know our our three-year-old but i tell her i'm like what a cute kid you just need some time with the boys and she goes all right every morning every morning that's really no she doesn't react she's like okay that's why i thought

it was normal so only seeing your reaction now and now looking back i'm like oh she doesn't really have a reaction and so that's what's making me think that like i don't know because anyway how god peter i'm so sorry it's all about me me me me me what about you you you yeah i mean um you know obviously it's been tough um you know recently just worse been slow and and and you know that financial anxiety i'm definitely feeling that of course but uh you know hey i got my health and i got my family right what else health is wealth health is wealth is you know can't buy a house with health but you know i don't mean to pry me can i get a can i get another one thanks peter are you uh two yeah two Two. Two. Am I doing okay? Yeah, we're fine. I'm fine.

Because you can talk to me. No, I mean, it's just like... I don't know. Me and Rebecca, we've been having some, you know, not problems, but... No, I was going to say, you and Rebecca and rebecca no yeah you guys are kind of like the it couple mr and mrs perfect like what problems could you guys have looks to be deceiving my man um i don't know no my man my man listen no things were pretty good you guys are pretty good like i carol and i were like why can't we be like peter and rebecca yeah they've

got it all figured out and it and it honestly it felt that way um until pretty recently um you know just the holidays everything the stress i feel like it just you know we got out of rhythm a little bit and like now we're kind of not synced up. Does that make sense? Like a period. What, man? Synced up like a period? Carol and her friends, you know, sometimes the girls look them over and they'll all say, we're all synced up. Grown women?

Yeah. I mean, that's weird for a couple reasons. I mean... So it's like you guys are out of sync like a period. Yeah, yeah, it's like you guys are out of sync like a period. Yeah. Yeah, man. I guess we are out of sync like a period. Anyway, was that weird? I feel like I've always been the wrong thing lately.

It was kind of weird, bro. It was kind of weird. My man, listen. i was trying to be vulnerable with you about like my wife and i was just trying to i wasn't trying to make a joke i was genuinely like oh it's like that makes it worse in a way so what happened what got you out of sync like a period i don't know you know it's like once you've got little ones you know don't i know it you know and now now that we now that we've got mcavity and rum tum you know things are a little bit uh the tension around the house is kind of ballooned because you know christmas time it's supposed to be fun you know you're and it's like you want your kids to have the christmas that you remember having when you were a kid you're

trying to recreate that magic and so it's Of course. And so it's Christmas morning and, you know, we're down there and the cavity. Well, I remember that recently. You told me that last year the cavity got really upset because you tried to get a new stocking from a cavity, but the people at the stocking place said, no, that's a joke. We're not going to put that name on the stocking. Right. They refused to embroider it. They refused to embroider it.

You know, me and Rebecca talk about it sometimes that like, are they going to resent us when they get older? You know, obviously Macavity is a little older. You can already see that he's starting to have those seeds. Like he goes to school and everyone's introducing themselves. And it's like, you know, oh, my name's this and that. And then he has to say, I'm Macavity. And I do. And I do wonder, you know, like.

And Rum Tum Tugger's what now, two? Yes, and he's doing well, but I do regret the middle name. I don't think I know his middle name. Yeah, his middle name is Gus. Rum Tum Gus? Rum Tum Tugger Gus Rum Tum Tugger Gus The Theater Cat Johnson

And anyway Enough about my kids No I'm so sorry It's Christmas morning It's Christmas morning You're in the red We're downstairs Me

Becca We're in The PJs We have the tree We tree with stockings you know everything is set you know becca has made this gourd she's made this gorgeous additional portuguese tortilla you know and it's like a potato you have you ever had it no oh it's very common in portugal it's like they call it a tortilla but it's not like what we call a tortilla. It's more like a potato kind of loaf almost. You know what's so funny is that I haven't had it, but I'm on TikTok a lot. And I've seen videos of it.

And I'll always tell Carol, I say, why don't you make this? Oh, well, I wouldn't. But I do it like I'm kind of like half joking. And, you know, she pushes back in her joking way. She goes, I make every other meal around here you know what more labor do you want to put on me and i say oh why don't you make this um no i mean i mean becca you know it her grandmother was portuguese she only makes it on christmas day i mean it's literally not sorry man you uh do you need some water for that yeah you're just sorry no it's okay you got to take

your pills right i gotta take my oh you know how carol is she goes multivitamin this multivitamin that yeah but and so three times a day seems like a lot for a multivitamin no i don't know anyway um so yeah it's christmas morning and we're sitting there me and becker looking at each other and we've just you know we've had the tortilla and and then uh mcavity you know he comes running downstairs and rum tum tuggers close behind and they come down and they tear open their presents they're so excited you know we got rummy you know we got him this new lego set and and and you know he's like really getting good with his hands you know we got rummy you know we got him this new lego set and and and you know he's like really getting good with his hands you know he's getting that fine motor skill stuff he's like able to put stuff together on his own now which he's two he's only two and he could do that you know that's

pretty impressive i do i you know when josephine was two you could take a sec man you're like out of breath no no no no if you need to when jose Josephine was two, she still couldn't talk. Okay, yeah, not that abnormal. And I would always tell Carol, I'm like, why don't you let her talk? Oh, I don't... Why don't you let her talk?

She said, what do you mean, why don't I let her? She's a baby, she's still learning. Right, she's still learning. I think it's just... Do I have a bad sense of humor? Were you joking? Kind of. So you're not even sure if you were joking, and I think that's going to be the root of a lot of this.

Because I don't know what- Because I feel like sometimes I'll go on Barstool Sports, and they'll make these videos- Oh, God. About pranking your family. And like that gets a lot of views and people in the comments are like leaving all these emojis and like laughing a lot. And I'm like, oh, I don't think that's funny, but a lot of people do. And so I'm just trying to be funny.

Do you think it's a prank to tell your wife it's her fault your daughter doesn't talk yet? That's what it seems like on some of these videos. I don't look, I'm not like a fan of barstool like the barstool universe but i highly doubt that that's the kind of i don't think they're posting pranks like that it's usually like pranking my my wife by like you know pretending to like not know how to fucking sweep the floor you know what i mean like it's bullshit yeah not really lying to your wife or belittling your wife really i don't think okay i'm just trying to figure out like what's what's gonna yeah i want

to make people laugh and so that's okay that's really weird that that's your kind of main priority when you have a wife my main it's not my main thing but it's like i i don't know it'd be nice yeah man um do you like want to hear the rest of my story or do you want to yes because Like, I don't know. It'd be nice. Yeah, man. Do you, like, want to hear the rest of my story? Or do you want to? Yes. Because we can shift. We're having a conversation.

But it's like you asked about the story. And I want to hear. But I'm just saying it's like, I don't know. Conversations, it takes two to tango. Yeah, but if I can just give you some honest feedback. And I wonder if maybe this is what your wife is feeling. Is that, like, sometimes it's like, I feel like you only ask me about how i'm doing so that like it's like then we get the part over with that then you can talk about what you're actually wanting to talk about okay i'll keep my mouth shut no i don't mean it like no so i genuinely want to know what happened

you were saying you're having these financial issues you had this amazing portuguese tortilla yes it's incredible um and they're opening the gifts and you know i've gotten some stuff for becca and she's opening it and everything and then i like suddenly realized like oh like nobody got anything for me like you didn't get a single gift no and it's like obviously you know i don't expect mcavity to do it because he's a you know kid and he's a kid right and it's like but they're not at that age yet where they can and rummy's a baby and rummy's rummy's a baby rummy's a baby so a kid and a baby they can't get me gifts but my own wife and and and she afterwards she apologized she was like you know and i didn't want to give the impression that i got like crazy you know i didn't fucking go break the bank but it's just a small

some small things just it was more like the gesture of like i haven't exactly you want something to unwrap i haven't forgotten about you exactly you want to have something to unwrap you know and it's like she could have fucking you know you you remember that old vine where the kid's like an avocado thanks you remember thanks it's like you could have literally you know and it's just the thought but like when i know and that's my sorry really quick just to bring it back to me really quick it's like i my whole thing about christmas is like i don't even care what the gift is is that weird i just love unwrapping stuff. So actually, sometimes what Carol will do is that she'll wrap wrapping paper in wrapping paper.

Not like a roll of it. She will just put a ball of wrapping paper in more wrapping paper, and it'll just give me something to tear. You're simultaneously one of the highest maintenance and lowest maintenance people on Earth. It's really odd. It's really, really odd, man.

So then what happened? Thank you. No one got... Who's going to get daddy a present? What's daddy going to get for Christmas? And then... And this is where it kind of... I say, who's going to get daddy a gift?

Yeah. And she says, well, there is one thing i've been meaning to give you okay she reaches behind her back she pulls out a pregnancy test she's pregnant shut up she's pregnant shut up and obviously we're keeping it oh my god congratulations i was gonna ask obviously i'm excited i I was going to ask. Financially. I was going to pry. And I was going to ask if you guys were going to keep the baby.

You wouldn't have really asked that if I hadn't volunteered it. I was on the tip of my tongue. Honestly, can I be real with you? Wouldn't have told you. If we weren't keeping it, would not have told you about it. I would never give that kind of information to you. That's fair. So congratulations.

Thank you. And it's just like... Any names picked up? Isabella, thank you for asking. And I'm just nervous that, you know, I want... You won't be able to afford a third kid.

Right. It's like, I'm struggling to give Mickey and Rummy the childhood that they want. And now Grizzly's here and she's going to be... She's already here? No, no, no, no, but I mean, you know, theoretically

in my mind, she's here, you know, she's gonna be born in, God knows, you know, five months, it's not that long, and so I think Oh my God, wait, so how, she showed you a pregnancy test after four months? No, she showed me a pregnancy test on Christmas, which was a couple months ago.

So, she showed me at a normal time in the pregnancy. That's so crazy. Okay, okay. She was like a week or two late, you know, speaking of syncing up, you know, and then- Hold on. Okay. I'm all kinds of fucked up. We celebrated Christmas in our house last week.

What? And Carol was telling me, she goes, we already did it like four months ago. But I was not convinced that that was it. Well, Carol's wrong too. Okay, it's mid-Feb, mid-February right now.

So you celebrated about two months ago. That's what I meant. But I wasn't convinced that that was the real one. Can we get another one? Do you want another one? I wasn't,

God, yeah. Another two. I wasn't convinced that that was the one. I was. I'm convinced that I know when it actually is. And so I made I make Josephine, Carol and I celebrate on February 4th because that's when it really is. Is that like a different?

Are you like a different sect of like like, is that when your calendar is? Like, do you guys all, is that a thing? No, afraid not. No, we are Presbyterian, but. So it's normally the 25th of December, I believe, for Presbyterian. Normally. But I just, it's like a gut feeling. I don't know.

It's like when you know, you know. Yeah. But anyway. Do you. Yes. You know, when you tell your wife every day that you want to hang out with the boys more. Yeah. I wonder if.

I wonder if maybe we should try and expand the group a little bit. But we're the boys, you and I. group a little bit. But we're the boys. You and I. I know, but since Chris got deployed, and Steven obviously got that promotion

and he works late all the time, he can never make it anymore. I've stopped asking because it just was awkward. He told no so many times. Do you think he feels bad because we don't ask? do you think he'd rather be asked and have to say no rather than not no honestly i i ran into him a few weeks ago and i i got the sense that he was probably relieved that we weren't because it was like awkward for him to keep saying no to um anyway so it used to be you know the core four and now it's like yeah now it's just the boys and i don't really feel like you and i were

butch cassidy and the sun dance me yeah um yeah butch cassidy and the sun it's you but i don't feel like we're really we were ever really that close you and me i feel like it was more like i was chris's friend you know and you were you know so maybe we and i was what Like, I was Chris's friend, you know, and you were, you know, so. Maybe we. And I was what? Well, like, you were. You cut yourself off there. No, I'm just, like, saying, you know, I was, like.

You said you were Chris's friend. Yes, you were Chris's friend first, and then I was what? I mean, you were just, like, a guy we worked with. I mean. Wait, and I'm not saying that's what you still are to me. I'm not saying that's what you still are. But at the time, a little bit. What I'm saying. Like, it was still are to me I'm not saying that's what you still are but at the time a little bit

it was a little bit of a pity sorry I need to hold on bartender he's chugging through them can we get another one yeah you already drank those two you already drank both the ones you just brought I know

anyone can be a guy you work with until you get to know them anyone can be a guy you work with until you get to know them. Anyone can be a guy you work with until you get to know them. What is that, a riddle? No. Man. It just means that. It's like, you know when you're a kid and your parents are like, stranger, danger, stranger, danger.

Everyone's a stranger until you meet them. So I was just a guy you- Everyone's a stranger until you meet them. Tell me I'm wrong is that wrong I mean you're not wrong it's just like everyone's a stranger everyone's just a guy you work with until you become their best friend I don't like hanging out with you

I feel that from you that's not surprising to me to hear you say that and I'm so no but I need to spend time with you so we're at an impasse here you don't enjoy spending time with me but I need to spend time with you. So we're at an impasse here. You don't enjoy spending time with me, but I desperately need this time. And I sense that from you.

And I sense that from you, which is why I pitched the compromise of expanding the group. That way you can still spend time with me. Can I be honest? But I get to spend time with somebody, anybody else. I am so scared

that if we add people to this thing we've got going on that I won't hang out with you anymore yes absolutely that I will be kicked out that I will be kind of like slowly but surely

maybe not even slowly that I will be quickly kind of shoved out it's possible I know and so that's why I want to not have that happen okay

so what are we going to do I mean we want completely different things I gotta get home oh no we just got here my wife is my wife is four months pregnant

she's looking after our two under fives right now I am four drinks in I should probably just go home. So, but this has been great. I'll see you next Thursday.

Yeah. And do you mean that? I'll see you next Thursday, man. Do you mean that it's been great? No. And I can't tell, cause this is a kind of joke that I would say to my wife.

It's not a joke. That I was inspired by Barstool Sports. So is this? No. You're not joking? No. Okay. Want some advice?

Yes. Learn to see your wife as a person. That's my advice. Now that's a person. That's my advice. Now that's a joke. Alright, man. You can settle the tab. Why do I continue to play men in this?

It's like, look, sometimes our own feelings are revealed through the characters. Drunk words are sober thoughts. Okay. And it's like deep down, you are a men's rights activist. And deep down, I am a cuck.

DJ, you are obsessed with cats. Deep down, I would name my children after characters from andrew lord webber's kitty cats do we have time for one more macavity macavity i do you want to hear a really embarrassing story yes before we go on about cats the musical the musical yeah when i was a child okay uh growing up in salt lake city utah for the first five years of my life. Okay. Heather Gay Behavior. Heather Gay Behavior. I had one of my best friends growing up. She loved cats.

She was obsessed with cats. The musical or the animal? The animal and the musical. So I, of course, I'm a musical girly, but I'm a dog person. And so I was like trying to like, we would like play pretend like we were in the musical cats. And so, but then it turned into a game of like,

you know, when you're kids, I don't know why kids have this interesting phenomenon of like, I was raised by wolves or like, I'm actually part, part dragon. Like there's something about like the phenomenon of like, Oh,

I'm actually a dog what people don't know about me is that i'm actually like part jack russell like it's so fascinating jack russell so anyway i remember like i don't know why we were in i think maybe her one of her parents had to go to the hospital or something for some reason but anyway we're both left to our devices in like a hospital waiting room. What the hell? I swear to God, we were in a hospital waiting room. This is dark. And we were, everything was fine.

I don't, I mean, listen, I don't know if they were hiding something from us, but I remember everything being seemingly fine. I was probably like five. Anyway, we're like climbing across like the chairs in the waiting room in this hospital. And she's like, I'm actually part cat. Like hospital and she's like i'm actually part cat like did you know that i'm actually part and like we were like playing like cats or whatever and that like part of the game was like we were going to like meet

part of the game was you were going to meet macavity but i remember like then it suddenly became you know when're a kid, it's like you want to have the cool thing. It's like I'm actually part cat. And like then suddenly we're like, is it actually a game anymore? And I'm like, no, you're not. And she's like, yes, I literally am. And she's like, I'm not. This isn't the game.

I'm part cat. No, we're not playing anymore. No. No, you're not. You're not part cat. And she goes, I am. And I'm like, well, do you know that I'm actually part dog? This is embarrassing. And she's like, no, you're not. It's like obviously you're not you're not part cat and she goes I am and I'm like well do you know that I'm actually part dog and she's like

no you're not it's like obviously you're not you're just copying her but like as a kid I'm like no I didn't tell you till now

because I didn't want anyone to know but I'm actually part dog and she's like what well I'm part cat I'm like

what kind of cat are you she goes I'm part like snowy white cat and I'm like oh yeah well I'm part I'm part golden retriever so this, what kind of cat are you? She goes, I'm part like snowy white cat. And I'm like, oh yeah, well I'm part, I'm part golden retriever.

So this is kind of crazy that we're friends. Anyway. Meanwhile, someone's flatlining in the other room. While you run around going, Gimble shanks, the railway dog. But like,

what is that about kids that were like, I'm actually part horse? The horse, yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think. I'm actually a horse. A lot of like YA stuff and like stories for kids is based around the idea of like, he was just. Warrior cats. He was just a normal boy until he discovered his secret powers.

Like there's so much of that. I think it's just like, kids want to be special, and it takes a while to realize that none of us are special. That's so dark. This is for Fitbit Lux. Same thing. We're doing another

one? Yes. How long is this episode? It doesn't matter. Okay, shit. It's five stars from Monica, the last matter. Okay, shit. It's five stars from Monica. Okay. The last name. Monica from Friends. I thought it was going to be Monica Reality Von Teese from Reality of a Silly City.

I was almost going to say Monica Lewinsky too. So there's a lot of Monicas. Monica Von Teese Lewinsky from Friends. From Friends. Five stars. The title is, why did I not buy it before? It is a great tracker and simple to use. I love the sleep tracking and stress management features. Your health metrics are quite accurate, and I'm learning a lot about myself. Ever since I got this Fitbit, yeah, a lot of things are becoming clear to me that I should have known a while ago. Becky, thank you so much for, um,

for getting coffee with me today. I know, you know, it's, it's been crazy with work and schedules and everything. Um, but I really appreciate you meeting me here. I've always got time for you. You're the best big sister ever. I've missed you. I've missed you too. And I know we're both busy, so I will just cut to the chase. I, as you know, got a... I did 23andMe recently just to find out a bit more about our family. Oh, right.

You mentioned it. Yeah. John and the kids and I, we just did it. We got it for each other for Christmas. We we're so curious for the kids yeah because you know sometimes it's like well if you did it for john and you i think you could probably no no no because the kids each their dna makeup is different so they actually one of them is a little bit more norwegian than the other which is so funny oh god don't tell me one of them's not yours no they both are ours um but i learned something about me and probably something about you that you should also know

okay what is it yeah it's gonna sound crazy um it's gonna sound crazy if you're did i mean i already knew about the uh we have the breast cancer gene. I mean, I get screenings every year. We have that. I'm good. Keep getting that checked. Get your CA-125 blood levels checked, all that. That's for ovarian, I think.

Never mind. What I'm going to say is- Hey, there's no harm. No, there's no harm. I have this information. What's going on? You look terrified. You're white as a sheet. I have,

I have, um, the documents and the test results to back it up. And, so in case you don't believe me, but you're my sister, so I hope you give me

the benefit of the doubt. Honey, you're scaring me. We are, or at least I, but you should probably get checked too. Oh, what is it?

Part cat. Um, sorry. Orange cat, to be more specific. Sorry, we're, like, we're allergic. You said we're allergic to cat? We, in our DNA makeup makeup we are part feline and i've always known there was something a little bit different with us and i don't remember as kids we were so obsessed with like i'm a cat i'm a cat i'm a cat and i think it's because deep down

somewhere we knew i don't know and that was just aissy, that was just a game we would play as children. No, Sissy, you're not listening. I have the results to prove that we are at least 38% cats. That's an enormous percentage. I know. That's why I needed to talk to you about this in person. I mean, if what you're saying is true- And it is.

And I'm not saying it is or isn't, but what if you're- If what you're saying is true is true- Why would I lie about something like this? For attention? Come on. I'm just saying that's why you saw him would lie. I'm not telling everybody this. I didn't tell Jaune and the kids. What does that mean, the kids what?

The kids are what, 19% cat? Well, well, Shimbleshanks is, um, his is, he only got 3%. Okay. Um. That's pretty low, considering you're 38. Well, that's what I'm saying. And then our oldest, well, he's about 50. 50% cat? Yes!

That's really high. I feel like you would see some kind of physical manifestation of that if that were true i mean have you not noticed anything about you no i mean mom always told us about it for a second mom always told us tails ran in the family and yes when little rumple teaser first came out of your womb i thought he was a little hairy but sometimes babies are hairy no and he the thing is it's like i know that tails run in the family and i know that babies can be hairy yeah and now i know why oh my god how am i gonna tell mungo jerry you don't necessarily have to tell mungo jerry well if you're 38% cat Then I'm certainly some percentage cat

And lord knows that Mungo Jerry is Are you mad at me? I am a little bit Well I can sense that And I don't understand why Well it's I didn't consent to this test You know you didn't consider that when you take this When you take this test

And you tell me about the results Yeah I didn't consent to that. You didn't consent to me telling you the results of the test I did for myself? Right, I didn't want to know that. I didn't want to know who are, you know, like...

Okay, well, I'm sorry. I thought you would want to know where you came from and who you are. Have you spoken to Mom? I haven't yet. That's why I wanted- You should go see her. I was hoping that we could go together. I was hoping we could go together.

I'm not going. I swear I'm not going. Sissy. Sissy, I love your- Sissy. I love your spirit. But I cannot be on this journey. Sissy, why?

Because I am going to pretend you never told me this information, and I would hope you would do the same. I would hope you would never mention this direction to me ever again. Well... You're gonna hate me. What did you do? We don't need to go see Mom. Why?

Because she's pulling up in a car Right outside the Starbucks right now God damn it I'm sorry I had a feeling that you'd be hesitant about going I can't deal with this I mean you're gonna have to come out at some point I'm going to the bathroom Or should I say the litter box

Never was there ever a mommy Quite as special as my little I'm the mummy to my two girls. Hi, Mum. How are you, babes? Oh, I've been better, Mum. I'm not going to lie. What's up? What's going on, darling? Well, um, God, this is really... I'm just going to come out and say it. Okay.

How did you and Dad meet? Oh, you've heard the story a thousand times, darling. No, but what's the real story? I know you guys met at a discotheque. Right. I know that you shared heated glances from across the dance floor. And you danced the night away and you've been dancing ever since. Right, may he rest. But what really happened? Edith glanced from across the dance floor. And you've danced the night away and you've been dancing ever since. Right.

May he rest. But what really happened? Oh, darling, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, it was, you know, it was one crazy night in 1972. We were at the discotheque and I saw him from across the room and he glanced through exchange. He glanced through exchange. And one thing led to another, brought him back across the room and he glanced for exchange. He glanced for exchange. And one thing led to another, brought him back to the bed sit.

And, you know. I slide my phone across the table with the test results on. What's this, darling? What have you shown me? You know I'm not tech savvy. 38% orange cat. Oh, darling. You thought I'd never find out sweet baby you thought i'd never find out tails run in the family darling i never wanted you to find out like this

angels in the bathroom or should we say the litter box? I would really, I really, I will have this conversation with you, darling, but I will not have this conversation with you. If you're going to speak to me like that. It's a matter of respect. I respect you. Okay.

Then that derogatory language about the litter box is going to stop. Who are we? You are my daughter. And in every way that mattered, you were his daughter as well. May he rest. In every way that it mattered. We split up for a brief period in 1976.

Okay. He was going on tour with the band and he said he couldn't be with me anymore. Oh, mom. I had no idea and I was so livid I was so incensed that I went out

with the girls and I got a little too drunk it happens to the best of us and I had an extravagant one night of ecstasy with a tomcat.

Mom. I'm sorry, it's true. His name was Bombalurina. And I loved him carnally. Mom! For hours that night, and it was ecstasy, but... So that's our dad yes

well yours then who's Angel's there's an age gap between you and Angel so that wouldn't explain both of you um we split up again

then Bumblerina's Angel's dad because Angel's my big sister right that's right I can never remember you two look so alike well then briefly

in the summer of 1979 we split up again it was an argument about the license fee for the television. And well, he got pissed off and he went

on another extravagant adventure with the band. And one thing led to another. I was feeling extremely saucy. Not another tomcat, Mom. Sorry, he was an alley cat. Mom! He was a beautiful, fantastic alley cat named...

Oh, what was his name? We were so in love for that night. Oh, I think I remember seeing letters. Old Deuteronomy. Old Deuteronomy, that's right. Oh, he was a lover to be rivaled. Mom, that's disgusting. I don't need to hear you talking about my dad like that.

That's your daddy. But in every way that mattered. You were never going to tell me. You were never going to tell us. Brian was your dad. You were never going to tell us. No, I didn't see what the good would do it. I just want to know where we came from.

I want, I want I want Well now you know darling Now you know I want shimble shanks and And rumble teaser to know their history But I can't tell them that history Because you were too drunk Because you were too drunk on ecstasy

Oh not this again Drunk on ecstasy The accusations come flying out like so much butter like so much butter sorry my medication it's making me a bit doolally oh yeah the medication oh enough of the accusations oh here comes your sister. Would you like to insult me to her as well? Angel, your father's name is, it is, your father's name is something very, is Bumblarina.

And he was a tomcat. Are you serious? My father's name is old. Uncle Bumblarina? Oh, Deuteronomy. You don't remember? Uncle Bumblarina? He used to take us to swim lessons.

That hairy man who went Mom, that was my dad. Yes, darling, I'm sorry to say. Look, I, when you invited me here to lunch, I thought I was going to have an excellent little meal with my daughters. Not be put on trial.

You thought I was inviting you to lunch at Starbucks? Yes, I love the spinach and feta. Fine. Listen, Mom, Not be put on trial. You thought I was inviting you to lunch at Starbucks? Yes. I love the spinach and feta. Fine. Listen, Mom. It's going to take us some time to process this. That's so understandable. And I love you.

You know you'll always be our mom. I love you as well. But I think we need a little bit of space right now. Absolutely. So I think you should go. Right. And I'll just say as a parting word, Bombalurina passed away a few years ago. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Old Deuteronomy's still out there, kicking about. He usually hangs out... By the Heaviside Lair? By the Heaviside Lair. I think, you know, the Jellicle Balls tonight. He might not want to see you, but if there's ever a chance, I mean, you know, he's getting up there. He's down about eight lives, I think, so if you want to act, I'd act fast.

That's your last sentence! Okay! Okay! This is the only love. Never did something take me longer. This is Shal Gouvalis. Hey, if y'all don't know cats,

I'm sorry for this episode. I'm sorry for this episode. Go watch the movie. Go listen to the sound fucking the score before you fucking listen to this shit. Alf, what the hell

has even been shaking you? I'm a gamer. I hardly know her. A lot of people don't know this about me, that I'm a gamer. I like to game. A lot of people don't know this about me, that I'm a gamer. I like to game. And I recently made an ill-advised purchase.

Ill-advised purchase. Bought myself a Nintendo Switch. Oh my God, we can play Mario Kart together. Bought myself a Nintendo Switch. Oh my God. An ill-advised purchase. You know, some would say. No, it's not.

Some would say I can't afford that but i am obsessed with this thing what are you playing um so i uh right recently i just started playing hollow night it's a little platformer it's like everyone's little bugs it's very cute but i've never been a nintendo girl never i always had an xbox growing up so i've never really played mario kart 8 and we can play online with each other i've never really and we can play online with each other. I've never really played a Luigi game. Oh my god. This is huge. Way to bury the lead. Yeah. So that's kind of

what's shaking me is like my new era as a Nintendo girly gamer. I don't blame you that that's shaking you. That's incredible. But what's been shaking you? Enough about my ass. Enough about your ass. What has been shaking me? I've been listening to a lot of Megan Thee Stallion recently Okay

Did you see her ad for the Paris Olympics? No It's very odd Didn't see that But I do I guess what's shaking me is I love her workout videos And her narrated workout videos on TikTok

Are very entertaining I love Meg what's shaking me and maybe this maybe i'm just old to this song um maybe i'm old to this song maybe i'm late to this song but she did a remix uh she did a first or two on a remix of butter by bts And it's a fucking bop. So if you need a little kick in your pants, a little shake in your ass, the BTS Megan Thee Stallion collab on Butter

is a banger. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. I'm having a great time. And that reminds me, maybe let that inspire you to do an original theme song yes send in some original songs

to us to hear to listen what's the email again say the email I haven't said the email in a while oh my god it is

review review show at gmail.com whoa took her a minute review review show at gmail.com send in some send in some original themes.

Let's get, let's, let's. They don't even have to be good. But they have to be true. They have to be authentic to your soul. Um, thank you guys so much for listening. You can find Alf

literally on Instagram at alfredinnit. You can find him on nowhere else. You can find the show on Instagram at reviewreview. Reddit r slash reviewReview, Discord,

ReviewReview, HeadGum Discord, and Jeffrey James and my Patreon. We have one, Patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not

the phone app, at Riley and Spore and on twitter.com now known as xxxxxxxxx you got a face for porn dot com at Riley Coyote

and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it whenever not saying it whenever not saying it. Macavity. Macavity. There's no one like Macavity. Macavity. Macavity. There's no one like Macavity.

Go give cats a listen if you want to understand today's episode we'll see you next week we'll see you in a year bye bye that was a

Hiddem Original