Review Revue - Florists

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

This week on Review Revue: Geoff and Reilly make some questionable decisions, mourn their granny, and stay at the Ritz, all while reading reviews on Florists. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. I've heard it said That podcasts come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn Come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn. And there's this one. It's hosted by these two friends, Jeff and Riley. And it's called Review Review. From noggin car handlers to nair and lids. Come listen every Tuesday to these crazy ass kids. There's a goblin man named Yarmik that lives under the floor.

There's a guy who wants to fuck a craft and his wife can't take no more. They might try and sell you on some wiper blades, but if you just listen You'll hear some shine Reviews That was amazing, Alex. That was incredible. That was a little for good from Wicked. Absolutely.

That's a duet that my mom would make me sing solo to dinner party guests whenever we'd have friends come over for a little dinner party. She'd be like, when I would sing the song, and I would sing both parts. It's pretty dark. I loved it sometimes. That was beautiful wicked movie um the tea is that it's coming out in two parts so they can include every song and for all my um yeah the titular character who's playing wicked yeah wicked is still uh still tD. They haven't announced the casting yet. But Elphaba is Cynthia Erivo and Glinda is Ariana Grande.

Oh. But Wicked has still not been cast. Did you tape for Wicked? For the role of Wicked? I just, I'm a little nervous because I feel like I would have heard by now. Right. Right. Right, right, right.

Because they are on rehearsals. I don't know if they've started filming, but they are on rehearsals. They just haven't announced it is what you're saying uh i mean there are so many rules they haven't announced it's like everyone's dying to hear who the fiero is gonna be yeah i just and i i just feel like i could have gone out for multiple parts you know what i mean like did you only go out for wicked yeah and like i obviously was unsolicited but i was like i really want to be wicked so uh sent it in no word yet but uh no news is good news would you want to read for like any of the other like students at at shiz or anything the the musical is not called the

wicked because the is probably just like chorus you know what i mean the is chorus i am devastated to learn that i didn't get wicked you don't know yet i should tape for the musical or the end musical i might as well just send in the as a bum tape just to be like oh look how much you can do with nothing what's okay give me your give me your tape for the and wicked the musical so it'd be like there's a trouble afoot in the broomstick house see me in the east see me in the west broomsticks all around coast to coast i'm wicked and i'm the i'm a broomstick man i'm a broomstick man broomstick man tap dance. You just say tap dance, but you don't sing it. On the tape, I would edit in

like, you know, fucking parentheses. And it would say, this is where you would teach me to learn how to tap dance. This is where you would teach me to learn how to tap dance. So they don't even teach you tap. They're teaching you how to learn. I'm the broomstick man from coast to coast.

That's beautiful. You know what Wicked reminds me of the most? What? Broadway. The Great White Way. The Great White Wheel. The musical reminds you of Broadway. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's really good. I'm not saying I'm reinventing the wheel or anything I'm just saying holy shit you're not reinventing the wheel I know you're not you don't need to say the Henry Fonda theater or whatever the Peter Fonda theater the Henry Fonda theater

the Harry Fangston the Harry Fangston theater it's iconic the Fandango the AMC Fandango the fucking AMC 9 the Burbank the Grove I can amc fandango the fucking amc nine the burbank the grove i can't imagine opening up the grove what do you mean opening up the grove like fucking opening night kidding me with that like these broadway producers don't understand how to open a mall open a mall anymore yeah anymore well because new New York was the Mall of America

before the Mall of America, right? There were stores galores. And what would happen was these fucking Broadway numbers. What would happen? They had the funds, obviously, to put something on and they thought that's art. Actually, no, you have to open up the city with every opening night

as if no one's ever shopped at a guess i know what my guess is that they've lost that touch they i don't know if they ever had it they definitely don't have it now like a comet boom from my bed um it's been 30 minutes since we last recorded. Well, it's been an hour now. It's been an hour now. It's been an hour now. It's been an hour now. It's been an hour now.

I had eggs and rice and kimchi and spinach. I had a bread. I had a bread with toast. It looked really good. You ever had a bread sandwich? I, yes. Toasted? Yep.

Three pieces of bread. Two of them toasted on the outside. The one in the middle? Moshi? I've decided where I'm going to put my, if you listened to last week's episode, we talked about where I'm going to put my little bee tattoo from Inkbox. Your two-week temporary tattoo. My two-week temporary tattoo.

You're putting way too much thought into it. It's because on Friday I'm going to meet Daniel's extended family and so they're gonna be like oh she's a crazy ass is what they're gonna say. They're gonna see my temporary tattoo of a bumblebee. For your centimeter sized bumblebee. They're gonna go oh she's a crazy ass.

If you go swimming with them it will be gone. I'm gonna put it here. Great. I'm gonna put it on Like my Lower bicep Close to my elbow George's lover Has an ephemeral tattoo

Which is something You should consider What is that? That lasts for a year Interesting Yeah Does it scar? And it looks real

No I'm gonna look into that But we're not here We're not Sorry we're not here To talk about George's lover Are we? We're not here We weren't talking about her We were talking about Your relation to tattoos But you brought up George's lover. Are we? We weren't talking about her.

We were talking about your relation to tattoos and your reticence. You brought up George's lover. And we're not here to talk about George's lover. You've said George's lover like seven times just now. Well, obviously now I want to talk about George's lover because this is the first I'm learning about George's lover. But we're not here to talk about George's lover. Are we, Jeffrey?

No, we're here to talk about inedible arrangements. Last week we did edible arrangements. And this week, arrangements to be sure, but they are inedible depending on the kind that you get. Yeah. I mistook last week's episode because we said we were doing edible arrangements. So I just brought in a list of my past lovers. It was an arrangement of, it was an edible arrangement got it no i know uh uh my girls have you ever done the thought experiment where you kind of just think about everyone you've ever

had uh any kind of romantic entanglement with you know like in a room and then like that's the party is you hanging out i've never had that thought really yeah i wonder which of them would get along i wonder which of what drama there might let's go through name by name full first and last name and like who would get along with each other all right so okay so we did that thought experiment. We cut it all out. Because Jeff inevitably realized that it's like, they would all band together. And make a girl group.

Don't fight me. Holy shit. They made a band. There's no way. And it went on an arena, a world tour oh my god no they got bigger than than the rolling stones bigger than the Beatles why can't I be in the audience they said you're not allowed to see any show or listen to their music they can tell when you're streaming their song and their phone will explode no way they figured it out but again we're not here to talk about anyone's lovers.

For once. For fucking once, actually. We never talk about lovers. Can we just like for one gosh darn minute not talk about anyone's lover? Like, I'm sick of it. We're talking about florists. And here's the thing.

I love flowers i think florists do amazing work that the eye that they have the artistic eye to be able to make a floral arrangement just so you have the baby's breath peeking out just a little bit like nothing is gonna upstage the other unless you have like oh my god is that a peony is that a big ass peony in the middle that's gonna be the star of the show it's like they know how to cast a floral arrangement let's just say that they know who the the of the floral arrangement is they know who the ensemble is and they know who's the wicked they know who's the wicked and who's the ensemble yeah in flowers but here's the thing i love love looking at flowers i love having fresh flowers in the house it i always feel like it's a then when then when they start to die the petals start to fall off

sometimes they get like sometimes they get more pollen everywhere to get like to then take apart a floral arrangement that's um i mean it literally takes all of five minutes but it's stinky the water gets stinky yeah let's talk about it your turn i like flowers i just i'm afraid for my safety now i love flowers what's your favorite flower what's your favorite flower sunflowers i feel not safe in the room oh that's cool in the zoom room in the boom boom zoom room you speak about flowers which are delicate almost violently. I love a delicate flower. Right. That's scary.

I fucking love a petal in my hands. So you ripped a petal off of a flower. That's violence. No, I didn't rip it off. It fell off and I rubbed it between my fingers. It fell down the stairs. That's not an excuse. All right. I'm going to talk to the flower. I love peonies. When was the last time you got flowers?

Let's start there. I got flowers on my birthday last month. My mom sent me flowers. Were they peonies? Which was very nice. They were not. They were tulips. That's not true.

What about peonies in the shape of a pianist? Do you want to get into it? Do you want to start us off? Floral Art by Mia. Los Angeles, California. Okay. Five Stars by Steph C. Steph Colbert.

There it is. What were you going to say? Did you think I was going to say Colbert? No. I had a baby three weeks into lockdown. So? Ever since then, time has been fake. My brain has been more or less garbage.

And as a result, I missed my friend's 40th birthday Zoom. Something that never would have happened if it were an in-person party in an ordinary year. To make up for my horrible, stupid, rude mistake, I decided to send flowers. She lives in Los Feliz, so I found floral art by Mia on Yelp and ordered a bouquet. I picked this place because of the five-star rating and pretty pictures, and while I haven't seen the bouquet in person, I did get a five-star service and pretty pictures sent to my phone. I called and said what I was looking for. Mia asked for a budget and put together a gorgeous bouquet for same-day delivery.

The process was easy and pleasant, and I was happy to get photos of a lush bouquet, bursting with fresh pink, yellow, orange, and white flowers. I don't know how often I'll need to send apology flowers and most feel-as, but I'll definitely call Floor art by Mia when I do. Feels easier to go to the birthday Zoom. She forgot because of baby. Because of baby brain. Baby mama brain.

Well, she says her brain has been more or less garbage. Christine, it's okay. You know, it was Zoom. It's a crazy time. You just, you really don't need to be that hard on yourself. The flowers were beautiful. I really, really appreciated them. But the card was a little intense.

So that's why I wanted to call. And thank you, first of all. Did you get the pictures? I got the pictures. They were so beautiful. I'm so sorry. And thank you, first of all. Did you get the pictures? I got the pictures. They were so beautiful. I'm so sorry. I'm such a garbage person. No, see, that's, and that's why I wanted to call and talk to you because it's just like,

it's been hard to communicate with you because it's been a lot of that. Do you know what I'm saying? You know mud? Mud? Like the... My soul is kind of like mud. Wet dirt? Only worse.

It's not. And it's real... Stop. Stop. Water is what I have in my veins you had a baby 70 water or something and it's all dirty in me stop it you are a new mom you have so much to worry about it's okay it's a crazy crazy time but here this is i was so mad at myself that i missed your 40th birthday zoom that i spanked my own ass for a year and those are the first four lines of the card you wrote you don't need to keep repeating it to me i know that you spanked your own ass for a year i'm 41 you made that you made that zoom but i shaved yeah i shaved an a into my pubes to remind myself every time i go to the bathroom

that i missed alice's birthday how do you like that i don't like how do you like that's what i'm saying is it's been so long you have so many other things for me but your baby's one now like that is so exciting and an amazing thing like you are a parent you are watching this life grow i don't care it's a crazy time but it's like in in the message you sent with the flowers i can't believe it's been a year and we're talking about this that it's like i i just can't get this out of my head because you wrote saying that you're like your your brain shouldn't be allowed to be what it is. Yeah. That is so awful to say about yourself. Don't talk about my best friend like that.

I never thought I would tell anybody this, but it feels like you're receptive to it and agreeing with me. I'm listening. On and off for the last year. Changing baby. Stinky diaper. For what I did to miss your zoom 40 the big 4-0 over the hill what i would do is when i changed her i would put it on my own ass i wore it and don't wear your baby's poophorred my decision

honestly to forget your birthday. Is there anything that I can say that will convince you that I have moved on? I don't care. I didn't. It wasn't that big of a deal to me because I know that you're going through

so much. This is actually, I know you're trying to show me that you're upset or whatever. It's more upsetting. The fact that you've been putting on poopy diapies, shaving my initials into your pubes. I don't know why this all has to deal with like bathroom stuff, but like you are an amazing person. You're an incredible mom. You're an incredible friend. And so I don't know what else i can say for you to let this go because this is actually more of an imposition than you missing a zoom this is taking over your life it's taking over that's not what i thought you were

gonna say what did you think i was gonna say i thought you're gonna say thank you so much for going to the dentist and asking them to pull not just my uh wisdom teeth but the non-wise teeth as well. I have basically rabbit buck teeth at this point. I didn't know that you had done that. I did it for you. I don't want you to do these things for me. The flowers were enough. They were more than enough.

They were so expensive. Like they looked like a gorgeous bouquet, like way more than you should have paid for them. And we're done. We've moved on. Stop mutilating yourself and covering yourself in shit. Because I'm, I love you. Okay?

I know. I'll stop mutilating my body and using human excretions to humiliate myself for you. But you know what I'm not going to stop doing? What? Souring clothes. Every single one of my clothes smells like a different funk. Why? Because I forced myself.

On account of me missing your 40th birthday. You made your clothes smell bad? Sour, yeah. You soured them or you soiled them? You soiled them so that they... soiled them you soiled them some of them I soiled with like dirt mud aforementioned some of them I tossed in the trash can as if it was

a washing machine pulled them out wet put them in the dryer sealed the stench others I soured ordering sour patch kids ordering sour punch straws in bulk so that I could kind of pool together the sour, the fucking, the little granules of sour.

And I rolled up my finest dress and I got to work making it its own patch, sour kids or otherwise. It's hard to wear because it stings my skin. Then don't wear it, Christine. Wear a normal dress that isn't a Sour Patch dress. You'd love that, wouldn't you? I would! I want you to be happy! Why are you mad at me? Here comes Christine! Citric acid! All over my skin! I'm saying I don't

want that for you. Oh! I'm saying I want you to wear a nice cotton shirt. I want you to wear something soft on your body i want you to be pt where the hole doesn't kind of like let down enough around the neck so it just looks like a mock turtle humiliating myself at work for sure i haven't asked you I'm sorry for laughing. This is just the craziest thing I've ever heard. Don't be mad at me. I'm trying to get out of the room here. I'm being punished. This is all for you.

By yourself. you're punishing yourself you so what my 40th birthday zoom was so boring we we played pictionary over zoom and whose fault is that mine no i planned it poorly i thought it would translate well via internet and it didn't everyone's service was bad and it was a bad time. Do you want my old shoes? Can I also just say like I invited 40 people and only Spanking my ass with a fucking purse. 27 people showed up out of the 40.

You're not the only person that missed it. You're not the only person that missed it. And what if they don't directify it? What if they don't directify it? They sent me a text being like I'm so sorry something came up and that was it we've never talked

about it again stop that now I have to do 13 times the work to make up for your shitty friends speaking of shitty no

not speaking of shitty Ashley no don't cover yourself in your daughter's shit again if you keep doing this you know what's gonna happen No! Don't cover yourself in your daughter's shit again! If you keep doing this, you know what's gonna happen?

You think you're trying to punish yourself? I won't be friends with you anymore. That's the line that I'm at. After all I've done for you, you're gonna make a threat like that. After all you have done for me and I didn't want you to do any of it. I didn't ask you to do any of it. You asked me to come to your 40th? I didn't. I forgot. I was a terrible, no good, very bad friend. Alright?

You're not! You're being a bad friend to yourself, Christine. Be your own best friend. Be the best friend you have. Your daughter needs you. Mitch needs you. Wait, what day is it?

It's Thursday. What's the date? Like October 5th. Damn it! What? I missed my own birthday. It happens happens you're dealing with a baby and you know once we're in our 40s now it's like what's what's 43 you know have you ever seen someone eat a clock because you're about to you're not muzzy no no No! No! Am I happy now?

Making it up to myself. Go to therapy. What's that? Got it. It is that manipulation tactic of like, well, I'm going to treat myself so bad so that they feel bad, even though I did something bad. I know people who do that. I haven't broken that hard in a scene in so long. Probably since, probably since Come Back to Bed.

Simon. It's the vitriol. Embarrassing myself at work definitely it's not my that was moving too fast yeah we know every time like oh tiny break tiny break that was too tiny this is for Amore Dolce Flowers in Los Angeles. Okay. Five stars. Sandy R.

Sandy Rack. Sandy Rack. I stopped by to pick up a last minute arrangement for my grandmother's birthday, but wasn't finding anything that felt right for granny all right then the friendly staff asked me a few questions on my price range color idea and occasion i gave my price point color and occasion and she said give me five minutes and disappeared she returned a few minutes later with a beautifully elegant arrangement i was impressed occasion i gave my price point color and occasion and she said give me five minutes and disappeared she returned a few minutes later with a beautifully elegant arrangement i was

impressed and i'll definitely be back for my flower needs it's not right for granny no no no you wouldn't get it this just isn't her and can can i ask is this are you preemptively buying an urn or um did somebody pass my grandmother passed away um i'm so sorry a couple weeks ago thank you so much we were so close she was god she was such a spitfire like really an amazing amazing woman she was the funniest person i've ever met um so yeah this is all good info because i actually like to match the urn to their personality oh that's great no she was i mean like what can i say about about nana she or granny rather she preferred granny because it made her feel like she was in

a storybook um and that's the thing she She loved stories. She loved. Well, we have some Tudor-style urns. I don't know if that would tickle Granny's fancy. Can I see them? Yeah. Actually, never mind. I don't need to. That's, I already can tell, like, Tudor-style urns. That is, ah, Granny wouldn't like that.

It's just not Granny. It's not Granny. Well, the only reason I showed it is because you said storybook and that storybook cottages i hear you and i can totally understand why you'd say that um so what else but there was more to her than and no it's just like i just don't want you to like boil her down to like just liking stories oh she was so much more than that like that's just so i know she was an entirely holistic human being well you don't don't, though. I'm so sorry to be rude, um, Neil. Um, but she, like, I feel like it's like, I'm telling

you all these things, like, she was so funny, she was so clever, and then you're immediately like, oh, she loves stories. And it's like, well, yeah, she loves stories, but she also loved baking. So it's like, I don't know what you want me to say. Okay. Um, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's okay. You know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for snapping. I'm to. It's okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for snapping. I'm just, it's been a hard couple weeks. She was like the matriarch of the family, and we're all just a little on edge. So please be patient with me. I'm so sorry if anything just kind of jumps out. Hey, that's part of the job description. So you said she liked baking. This is a terracotta.

Neil! God! Neil! Terracotta. Neil. God. Neil. Terracotta. Bake it. She's more than just that. That's not granny. I can tell you for, you don't even need to finish your sentence.

I can tell for a fact that that is not granny. I'm sorry. Well, do you just want to browse? Because I feel like, you know. Do I want to browse? I can barely see through the tears in my eyes. I would love to browse because i feel like you know i want to browse i can barely see through the tears in my eyes okay so what else i would i wish i could browse what thing defined granny the most if you this is this is where we're at an impasse right there's not one thing to sum up granny okay what's your oh how would you define yourself what's your one thing probably urns

really i love finding them and matt it's like it's like i'm like a realtor so is your urn just gonna have a bunch of urns on it yeah that's really weird well actually i don't really want to be cremated okay but my coffin's to have a bunch of urns on it. That doesn't make any sense. But today's not about you. It's about Granny. You asked. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm snapping again. I feel so bad. I feel so bad. Well, why not just like a standard but beautiful urn? You know, I assume Granny was beautiful. Oh, my God. And here is a selection of...

You so would say that. You're such a man. You're such a man to reduce a woman down to her outward appearance. Yeah, she was beautiful, but she was smart. She was the smartest woman in her class in high school and college. She was the valedictorian, always. She had the highest grades of anyone that's what a valedictorian is i know what a valedictorian is it's just you said she's the valedictorian always i just always she's the smartest woman in any room okay great um well

let me and she's beautiful so it's yeah, pretty people can also be smart. Okay. Well, let me introduce you then to the smartest urn in the room. This is made by Dell Technologies. It's a smart urn. It's a smart urn? Yeah. So basically, there's like a little camera inside. So if you ever want to like, you know, check in on how she's doing, you know, you can turn the camera on via this app.

And it's Bluetooth connectivity allows you to see the ashes. I know that you're not going to like this one, but it is. I don't know why we carry it, but that is the smartest urn in the room. I just had to show it to you. It's $14,000. How popular is it? Nobody's ever bought one because that's insane. You know, that kind that just makes me laugh how so because it's like that's granny like that it's like we always need to be checking up on her because she's such a rascal

she'd always just be getting out like she'd always just like, getting out, and we'd have to find her. I wouldn't worry about that with an urn, just because, like... Well, I know. Obviously. I know. Okay. Can we just... I can see that we're maybe considering the smart urn.

I just want to make sure that this fits the description of your granny that you've said. She liked baking. She liked baking. She liked stories. She was beautiful but smart. She loved stories. And she was always running away. Beautiful but smart. Beautiful but smart.

Beautiful and smart. Beautiful and smart. And she was always getting away. Yes. This is right. I want the smart urn. I want to be able to check up on her. Make sure she's not getting into any trouble.

Make sure she is filled with stories and cookies and sugar, butter, flour. I want to make sure that she's still looking hot, but is keeping up her studies. And not getting away. Cancer's sad enough. I need her to not get loose. Okay. I'm just going to scan it. No one's ever bought one of these before,

so I feel like I'm shaking a little bit. Why are you nervous? Again, it's fourteen thousand dollars it's worth it for granny okay do you have that money i do not but i am actually going to the reading of the will um after this so i figured that it's like i know it's like don't spend money that you don't have but you're gonna put this on, but you're going to put this on a credit card. I'm going to put this on a credit card. Granny was very well to do. How did she make her money? If you don't mind me asking. You know how sometimes at Barnes and Noble, you'll have like a reader come in and like read,

read stories to the kids. Yeah. That was Granny. She'd been doing that for 55 years. I don't even feel like I have to do this but let me just take a credit card. There we go. Scan. Declined. I knew that would happen.

Thank you so much for your interest. We have some like throwaway urns on the way out that maybe you could just grab. That actually sounds more like Granny. Yeah. Yes, it does. From what you've said, yes, it does. You don't know her, but it does. I know you.

And what's my thing? If your thing's urns, Granny is indescribable. What am I then? Before I, on my way out, what am I? Confrontational. But that's not an interest. You didn't ask what your interest was. You said, what am I? I meant, like, what's my thing?

Confronting people. So then what urn would you give me? I, probably that one. Points to it. It's Muhammad Ali fighting another famous boxer. On the side. Put that one on hold.

Okay. For 40 years? God willing. All right. Scans the credit card. Do you have another review? Okay. Same floral shop.

Suki Tea. Suki Tastin. Suki Tastin. Five stars. same floral shop suki tea suki tastin suki tastin five stars wow i don't know what else to say about this business but wow my friend told me today that her dog tragically passed away this week after i finished talking to her i immediately took to Yelp to find a flower shop in her area to send my sympathies. I called at 1.08 p.m., figured out my budget, the arrangement, what I wanted to say, and provided the delivery address, all of which took 10 minutes. I was texted a picture of the arrangement for approval and maybe 15 minutes later, and it looked beautiful. At 2.05 p.m., I got a text saying the flowers were delivered. The flowers were at her house in less than an hour. Just incredible. I'm in the customer service business and firmly believe in extremely over delivering.

But this place impressed me. Nothing else to say other than this place may be 25 minutes away from me, but they've got my business for life. That last sentence is nothing. That's like is nothing. That's like, temporally, that's nothing. Because you can't say that oh, it's 25 minutes away, but they have me for life. Because that's time of day versus the lifetime. They're 25 minutes away, but they have me for the rest of my life. I believe in over-delivering.

And welcome to the honeymoon suite. Oh, thank you. Mr. and Mr. Carter. We are so happy to receive your business here at the Ritz. And I got your notes of all the things that you wanted in the room. We have the champagne. We have the classic rose petals on the bed. All of that um and we do also have a couple more surprises that i didn't want to give away but they

are complimentary of course of course we're here to separate yourself to separate but for you and slip to celebrate your special day okay separate i didn't mean to say that. I meant to say celebrate. There are two beds in here. We have two beds. You know, the divorce rate in this country is astronomical. If we split right now, it would be an annulment, not divorce. While we are celebrating your special day, we have divorce and annulment papers drafted there's no way they are in the bedside tables um we do we have a notary downstairs if you want to get that done

real quick um we have by the way i saw on the plaque outside the door it says spicy honeymoon sweet yes is that saying yeah honeymoon with a kick what's the kick honeymoon with a kick and By the way, I saw on the plaque outside the door, it says spicy honeymoon sweet. Yes. Is that saying, yeah, honeymoon with a kick. What's the kick? Honeymoon with a kick. And the kicker is that we'll see if you're still together or not when the trip is over. This is crazy.

The kick is the will they, won't they. No way. But that's where we come in. And that's the Ritz is for. Is that it's like we're here to cater to your every need. Your every need. Okay. Including divorce and annulment. Including divorce and annulment. Including divorce and annulment.

Well, I don't think we're going to be needing that, are we, honey? No, I mean, it's just, you never know. What? And that's what I, that's what we're always, that's the motto at the Ritz. You never know. I've never heard of that. And if you'll follow me to the shower, you know, we have a couple of like, we have some fun body oils.

We have some scented bubble bath. That's amazing. Honey, we could take a bath together. Yeah, we could. We could. We could do anything. And that's, again, at the Ritz, you can do anything here. So while we do have coupons for couples massages, we also have coupons for couples counseling sessions as well as free legal advice.

Legal advice? For the divorce and annulment papers. We're not getting a divorce. We're not annulling the wedding on our honeymoon. Maybe we'll get a divorce later, but this is the only time we have to enjoy this. This is the only time we have to enjoy our marriage? Well, no, that's not what I... It's just you work so much, so it's just like, you know, I don't know what I'm going to see.

I work to provide for... I work to... Do you think we could have stayed at the Ritz if I didn't work as much as I did? I didn't need the Ritz. I want you. I want, but I... Now we're staying at the Ritz. They want us to get a divorce.

Oh, wow. No, I'm just saying it's like everyone says that. Everyone says that. I want you I want but I Now we're saying At the Ritz They want us to get a divorce Oh wow No I'm just saying It's like Everyone says that Everyone says that But then if I didn't Give you the Ritz You'd be like

I want the Ritz Is that you doing everyone Or is that you doing me Are you mocking me Or are you mocking everyone Let's be very clear about this Well we also Sorry to interrupt

But we also provided With the room Is that we do have Tape recorders on hand So you can record An argument Play it back and forth And say

Oh no that's not what I said Can you play it back I can absolutely play it back Oh I don't want the reds i just want you that was me that was you doing me no it wasn't i never supposed about i and then can you play it can you keep playing i absolutely can no that was everyone that's not you it's saying everyone says that so see i said everyone says that yeah afterwards you know what because you knew you knew you shouldn't have done it and so you were backtracking. That's what was happening. Will you be needing me for the rest of the day?

Of course, I am more than happy to stay. There also opens a door. There's a little guest room on suite where I'm more than happy to stay. I am also a licensed marriage counselor. So those coupons are for me. But if you don't feel like you need me or if you want me to hear it to plan your fun couples beach day, you can go horseback riding on the beach. You can get your couples massage on the beach. Anything you want. Again, the Ritz where anything can

happen or just in case. We say a lot of different things here. Just in case. I forgot to record myself saying it so sometimes sometimes i forget what we say the ritz reminds me a lot of my husband here husband what a crazy thing to say husband what a crazy thing to say it's because you guys say a lot of things but you don't offer a lot i want a divorce don't offer a lot he says while we're standing in our rich suite that i paid for because and this is and this is exactly my point you say oh i don't want i just want you don't offer a lot fuck that yeah of course i offer a lot i offer a lot look where we are you offer a lot of cash

the wedding was honestly gaudy it was god awful on god on god on god g-a-u-d i think i can't believe this is the first time hearing about this we planned this entire thing together these were all things that you wanted i planned it and you funded it you gave me a to-do list of this is what i want i want this many people i want this many desserts i want a sushi bar open for the rest of the night i didn't need any of that i would have eloped with you because i loved you and this is where the recorders would have come in handy you never said a word of this to me you never said a word oh i was supposed to read your mind i'm not a mind reader jason i'm not and you're not a lot of things sorry not a giving lover um One of our coupons, we do have some tantric sex courses here at the Ritz. A course would be good for him.

I already know everything. Yeah, he thinks he knows everything, and that's one of the main issues of this sham marriage that we seem to have entered into. I can see that you want to say something about the pillow shams i feel like it's not the best time well let's hear it no it's just like after a long day of fun in the sun or of um annulling your frequent nuptials or you sorry your recent courts um not fun in the sun divorce in the courts we are pillow shams really are just

to die for i mean that's all you were gonna say you are in dreamland the shams are good the shams are not a sham that's what we say here at the ritz that's actually really good that's really really good thank you there's something you can agree on can i offer you a piece of advice if i may may? I thought you were going to say gum, but I'll take both. I do have gum as well. Always carry it in the pocket. I'll take some too. Thank you.

Thank you. I've seen a lot of couples come through this spicy honeymoon suite. I've been here, you know, a couple years, and I just want to say that you two have got something special. How did what just happened demonstrate that to you? Well, actually, you didn't let her finish. I was going to say special in that it's like this could either be the most incredible relationship I've ever seen in my life. Or it's going to be a beautiful train wreck.

But here at the Ritz, we're prepared. We're ready for anything because anything could happen. I'm done. Thank you. I'm done to give it a shot. What you're done to give the marriage a shot or you're done to give

the annulment a shot and see how that works out. What do you want, Jason? I want to consummate this fucking marriage. I thought you said I have things to work on I'm going to teach you Okay Okay

Gears into our relationship We're going to fix our sex life Well I will be In this guest room Of course I will be saying I will be in this guest room. Of course, I will be saying. I will be saying. Just in case. For any...

For it. Just in case. Grab the oils. And the papers. And the papers! Damn it! Feeding each other the paper that what you want is that what you want guys what are you doing uh all right should we do our last segment oh my god yeah um you know what i mean um

he's a car i got a scooter bespa adjacent. Did I already say this? No, you showed it to me in person, but we haven't talked about it on the pod. Oh, my God. It's beautiful. Yeah. Sorry.

There it is. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. I love it. You should post a photo on our Instagram. I don't want people to know anything about me. Okay. Right. We should delete our entire backlog of episodes then.

Oh my God. Sorry. Are you okay? Other photos came up okay um you got and how has it been treating you i mean i'm sorry to say but i'm a cowboy you're sorry to say it is my steed okay my stag i ride a deer steed feels more like a knight thing Like a knight and his steed Stallion then There you go

What's been shaking you? Okay I guess we'll do another Riley Celeb Crush This isn't a new one But it's just because I haven't seen season 4 of Stranger Things yet But Just because it's everywhere i mean i would climb joe keery like a tree jesus i danced with him once i remember that wait i was there yeah yeah

that was crazy remember he threw a beer bottle yeah that was wild um but my god he is so hot um so him andrew garfield and jonathan bailey could all mesh and be the same person and they are my holy trinity at the moment so i'm sorry to hear that why i don't know um but yeah i mean my god joe keery in free guy get out of the fucking pool i like i do like him i think he and i would be friends careful with that i think he and i would be very good friends careful with that we'd be lovers oh we're not here to talk about lovers damn it um should we no that's crazy well you can follow you on instagram at riley einspa oh you don't have to say that you don't have to say that um oh great

no but you can't no no no, no, you can. And you can follow Jeff on Instagram at Jeffrey James and on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee. And should we... Oh, and the show on Reddit, r slash review review, Instagram review review. Should we thank some patrons? Is that dumb? Is that dumb? That's dumb.

Let's do it. Thank you to underscore Christian Sidehugs Kwok when he asks. Agent Finney Scarn. What do you think of my new nickname, Finney? Agent Michael Scanner Finnegan, we're brothers. Ako has received nary a fucking dab for her, frankly, outstanding achievements. An apology is in order. 384 episodes, by the way. Cam is finally out of hell now that you're out of banked episodes.

Never do that again to me or my kids. Sierra Puff. Chuck. Dakota feeling refreshed hearing all these new names. Damien Kirk has memorized the first 192 digits of pi, but he still needs to go on a pilgrimage to learn what it is to come. Doctor of Funk Bob Buell. Everybody get up. It's time to slick now. We got a real Rick going down.

Welcome to the slick Rick. Fancy octopus. Freya. Free to pray love. Gale's oils LLC. Gray is the prodigal son that shines bright as he returns to North America. Haha. I'm going to make Riley and Jeff say a really long and hard to pronounce word like fucking gecko.

Hallie, the horribly awesome is Gray's twin. Happy birthday, Jeff. Use code Jeff for 20% off your Baldo twin. Happy birthday, Jeff. Use code Jeff for 20% off your Baldo purchase. Happy birthday, Jeff. Use code... Yeah, I don't know

why Austin hasn't changed his fucking thing. Fucking dumbass right now. I'm serious. Fuck that. Hey, Jeff. Could you please have anyone from HeyRiddleRiddle

on the HeadGum podcast, please? I eat spaghetti and heat balls. It's like spaghetti and meatballs, but instead of noodles, I eat the sun.

I sincerely would like to apologize for the wolf. The epic wolf. I Venmo Jeff my rent money to pay for the wolf. The epic wolf. I Venmo Jeff my rent money to pay for the subscription and would really appreciate it if he could send it back. Thanks. Jake Ullman. James Wagner is tired of all these repeat names.

Same bad name, same bad person. Jay is in... Jay is actually in the U.S. for a bit now. And this whole time zone thing might work out this week. Jesse Tipton. Joe, and for lack of a better term, Malazov. John Daniels got dumped

by his therapist and you know what? He deserved it. Jordan Fields. JP again. Wait, so is Rary Chair Spa canon in the German Dumbass Cinematic Universe?

Yes or no? Oh, I just got that that's your celebrity name. Rary Chair Spa. Caleb is too busy to come to the phone right now please leave a message after the beep beep casper vote basper lord hunter the ordained michael beggle nate porteous thinks this has to be a riley rename jeff can't be silly nolan murphy would love to be an heiress to his

erinus i'd love to inherit the charlotte hornets is all oh hi mark well priest oh so it's lame to advertise your business through your patreon name come say say that to my face at Smoke and Time on Main Island. Oh, so it's lame to imita- Oh, so it's lame to imitate someone's Patreon name on Patreon now? Come say that to my face at Guilt Jonic, which is not a reel. Pete Bradford actually went to Smoke and Time and told them it's not lame to advertise their business through their Patreon name. Peter Piper picked a pecker- Fuck.

Phoebe. Quack. Riley Ann's Claw. So it's Riley Ann's ann's paw but she's in need of a manicure riz little caesar's eaters bergman smooth pete and the funky bunch so what is this like a job now you're telling me i have to update my name more than once a year thanks for not shouting out daddy's birthday april 1st came and went and you all did nothing. That's so Raven. It's the future. The dulcet tones of Jeffrey's sleep bones. TJ Michael. Patreon.com

forward slash Riley and Jeff. Thank you all so much for subscribing at the highest tier. Come follow along for content and Zardes and shit. And shit. And shit. We'll see you guys again next week. Thanks for listening to this episode.

Areva Dare. That was a hate gum podcast.