Review Revue - Funeral Homes

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

This week Reilly and Geoff inherit jobs, are bad people, fall to the center of the earth, and Geoff throws in the towel all while reading reviews on Funeral Homes.    Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a HeadGum Original. Wipe a blade at You know how I feel Loose rice in a bag You know how I feel Riley and Jeffrey King You know how I feel. It's review dawn.

It's review day. It's review life for me. And I'm feeling I love the addition of the bun, bah, bah. Yeah, on top of the horns. You already have the backing. It's incredible. Bah, bah, bah. It's Review Dawn. It's Review Day.

That's nothing. Who is that from, that gorgeous piece of music? Kyle Sheehan. So shout out, Kyle. Kyle. It's Review Dawn. It's Review Day. It's Review Life.

As I was making it, I kept thinking, I'm pretty sure they've had a parody of this song on the show already, but I couldn't remember, so I did it anyways. We love that song. We love that song, and I think the parody was me just going, and I'm feeling fine. Yeah. Yeah. No,

it's very, very Zinnisi. It's Review Dawn. You know who we are. Who we are. Oh, that we are. Who we are. Oh, that was delightful. River running contained. You know how we are. Um, Jeff, you're 25? I have already rented five cars and I'm in the red.

Why? You have no need. You have a car. I got trigger happy obviously because i was like oh this is the last age other than 59 and a half where you can do something that you couldn't do before why 59 and a half retirement account got it you can access your ira and do you feel different other than the cars and you being in massive debt like do you feel changed uh short changed or otherwise i feel short changed because i spent 280 a day on a mercedes when i could have gotten besides the car besides the car

besides the car i feel the exact same okay it's mostly that i have four parking tickets okay because four of them couldn't fit in the driveway, right? Street cleaning. I forgot. I didn't have the energy to move four of the cars late at night. How did you go back and forth from the dealership to your place? Did you drive? How did the logistics of that work? It was Turo, so they delivered all of them. Okay.

And with each passing vehicle, I started to smile that much more. So I don't know if you need a Mazda for the day, but feel free. For the day? I have to return two of them tomorrow and one of them is the Maz. I have my car and I'm happy with it. I love my car. I don't need to rent one. See, that's where you and I differ because the truck wasn't enough. You love your car.

I love it, but I'd also love to have a fleet. Obviously. You want a fleet! And if all my friends could come over, and then we could sort of drive like Harley drivers do, where they kind of take over the freeway, where there's like six bikers in a row, I'd love to have six of us in a row,

along with our ducks, not giving any fucks. So it's like a Mazda, a mercedes your truck maybe a nissan and what there's a leaf okay there's absolutely a nissan leaf uh-huh there's a chevy altima okay and there's a honda accord great i think so that's the other thing none of them are even interested no it's like if you're gonna go out out and spell out and rent a car, you're going to go rent a Honda Accord. And a Leaf. I don't care. Are you even listening?

I don't give a fuck. All right. That's fine. I'll just return them tomorrow. They're coming to pick them up. That's what changed. You asked what changed 25. I have a fleet for the next 24 hours.

And if you're not going to take advantage advantage of it then I feel taken advantage of because I did this for you no you didn't no you didn't it's sort of a menage a son you didn't do it for me I did it for the the cloud on Instagram because I thought maybe you showed up to the canyon you take a photo and see say, like, oh, my God, like, I'm being real with my pal Jeffrey. And he's keeping it real, keeping it real with a flea. And if that's, this is not how I thought this was going to go. Now I'm starting to feel like the whole thing was for naught. Now you're starting to feel that way?

I mean, I had a twinkling of it this morning when I woke up, looked out the window, had the tickets, didn't have the smile right but i thought oh you know what once i tell riley she'll be over here in a jiffy oh once i tell oh oh once i tell riley she's gonna come over and drive the leaf oh i know at the very least turn over a new one i know my pal riley she's gonna hop in that accord like her life gonna have a field day with the fiat and with the fiat nothing's changed i'm another year bolder i'm another year golder i'm starting to use vitamin c serum on my skin again maybe that's the difference is i'm taking care of my body that's great I'm starting to walk vitamin C tablets

that's also because it's cold season almost there amazing wish I could do that and still in a boot that's crazy it is crazy I'm just stop wearing tomorrow because it still hurts to wear normal shoes should have been fixed weeks ago so gonna go see yours what's going go see of course what's going on gotta go see what's going on right well doing the british accent doesn't make like no it doesn't help because it's like my my toe still feels fractured so i guess that's what's new with me is that i'm still in a boot right yeah i'm still in a boot um yeah but I had a DoorDash to sandwich from Jersey Mike's for lunch. You okay?

No. And it took the Postmate, Gary, an hour and 20 minutes to drive from Hollywood to my house in Laurel Canyon. And that is a 10-minute drive. So... I'm sorry. that is a 10 minute drive. So. I'm sorry. I was obviously on the phone with, uh, support and I got the $10 of credits.

Yeah. And then eventually got the sandwich. Yeah. But this fucker pulls up. I've never seen, dude was the dumbest guy I've ever seen in my whole life. I texted him saying, Hey, are you going to be on your way?

And he was like, I'm standing in front of your front door. Open the front door. Not there. I checked the map. Still at Jersey Mike's. I say, I think you're maybe at the door of Jersey Mike's. And he's like, got it.

And then he starts driving. And it still took him another 40 minutes. So lost a little faith in my humanity. Sorry, do you think that the pickup location is also my address? Have you ever done this before? I had to send him my address manually. You're Jersey Mike. I'm here.

Also G-A-R-I. So maybe just not the brightest tool in the shed. That makes me think, I'm trying to find a segue here. You know, you losing faith in humanity is almost like a death, right? It feels like a little death. And that really makes me think of our topic today.

Funeral. This was one of the most fruitful searches for reviews I've ever had i was on i i it was i was on a joyride last night looking at reviews i really was um jeff sent as always a list of things to review and as soon as i saw funeral homes i'm like no question that's exactly what we're doing i can't believe we haven't done this one before. I think we've pitched it before, but it's been amongst other ones that we've liked better. What are your experiences with funeral homes? I've been to a few funerals, but I've only ever been to a one funeral home. Like in the process, my stepdad's father, when he died um we went to the funeral home and all my family who's died has been english or irish so there's been open casket wakes so what

was wild is there was an open casket at the funeral home so that's the only time i've ever been and i was like 10 maybe and that was my first time ever seeing a dead body. And it was really wild. It was really wild. But I remember the funeral home. I feel like my vibe of funeral homes and the one I've been to is like, it's really ornate. It's really,

at least like, I don't know. Or maybe I feel like also in film movies and TV, like they're always like really stuffy and really fancy which is counterint i don't know it's just really interesting i don't know how i feel it's like you want to pay respects but also why are you dropping like thousands and thousands of dollars yeah on it's like honestly a dead guy it doesn't it doesn't matter if they're gonna be comfortable they're not gonna be comfortable they don't know oh yeah um i don't know no shade unless you believe what i believe about the afterlife which is that you just are in your dead body for the rest of your okay of eternity that's horrifying to think about so like people are like beneath the ground

at forest lawn right and they're like trying to yawn but they can't get i've been to a funeral at forest lawn yeah um jeff what about you experiences with fun neural homes i the only funeral i've ever been to is my grandfather's and it was in a church and he was fine he was fine it was fine that it wasn't at a funeral home and and then my other experience is us shooting good morning but that wasn't a funeral home that was a church my vision of funeral homes is that they're all very bleak and boring with drop ceilings so i'm like i don't ever want to be in one of those for a funeral or for mine yeah they seem bleak but also like weirdly fancy yeah it's this it's like trying to put makeup on um a pig or whatever that saying is because it's like on a pig jeff's doing the whole face

contour no the fucker's dead right like it's not good that there's like crown molding i'm sorry to say i've said this at funerals you shouldn't maybe it's for like the family though like but even then well i mean clearly it wouldn't be a full business yeah that's true i don't know i want i want to be cremated and i want my ashes to be spread hither than thither willy nilly spread like i lied yes for spread like I lied yes died like he lived spread wide around the world no I want to give a little zip like a dime bag to all my loved ones of my ashes and it's their responsibility to spread those ashes so. Oh my god.

A dying bag of ashes. Does that make sense? Sir, I did a bump of Jeff accidentally and now I'm feeling all kinds of weird. Honestly, I'm high off him. This is the happiest he has ever made me. And the second happiest was the day he died. Should we get into it yeah can i start us off i would love it this is a one-star review of queen of heaven cemetery and funeral center in uh lafayette california gorgeous from melanie b melanie bracewell one star California. Gorgeous. From Melanie B. Melanie Bracewell. One star.

I respect the dead and their families. One star. I want to start off with that. Sorry. Yeah. One star of the funeral home. Okay. I respect the dead and their families. I want to start off with that. But does the Catholic diocese know they have a total dirt bag named Joe Witherspoon running

the joint? Yeah. The guy is as fake as a snake shedding his skin. He pretends to care about families and their deceased loved ones, but he doesn't. All he cares about is maintaining the grounds by throwing your loved one's shit away in the trash and then lying about it. Many of my family members are there and I put a beautiful, beautiful picture of my father and came back to find it had been thrown in the trash. Knowingly, knowing this, this douchebag lies to my face when I confront him one day and catch him off guard walking the grounds. He's like, oh, did you read your contract?

We can't call everyone when we do a cleanup. I said it wasn't against policy rules. With his hands in his pocket starts to walk away so i followed him and confronted him again he said what do you want i said i want to know why you lied to me and threw my father's picture away is this how you treat the dead i'm not sure if this guy pisses on people's graves at night also he shrugs his shoulders and says i don't have the time for this joe witherspoon is a fake a liar unkind no empathy dresses in cheap ass suits and doesn't care about your loved ones or grieving process i'm asking the catholic diocese to check on this pretentious lying snake and reconsider his position and joe don't you dare

respond with your fake words because you know you're a lying scumbag catholic diocese do your job yeah dirtbag joe you probably will try and get this one deleted off yelp but guess what i won't stop. Scum. I don't have time for this. I feel like they're both bad. Oh my god. Hey, uh, Joe, thank you so much for coming into my office

today. You know, we have loved having you here. Thanks. At this funeral home. And you've been such a great addition. I received a complaint. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. No, you're not hearing me.

I received, I said a complaint, I misspoke. I've received many complaints about your behavior here. And I just kind of I want to go directly to the horse's mouth. Because, you know, you were the founder's son and so that's why you have been here for as long as you have and I respect that. Yeah. Name each

complaint one by one and I'll dispel why it was bad or not. Don't speak to me like that and you're not going to decide if it's bad. I'm going to decide if it's bad, because I am your boss. I will list them to just, because we have a lot of bodies to bury.

Throwing away photos of people's loved ones, the deceased. Well, they leave it, and then it's there for a week, so I just like, toss. That's the point, is to honor them. You know what I mean? You're like, what?

I'm just like, let me toss it. Oh, you read that book by that ex-NFL player? Yes. You can't just, listen, I read it too. And you can't pick up and toss photos of people's deceased relatives. That's not what that means. Well, it's creating junk. It's honestly making the grounds, which is my ultimate concern.

Because everyone else, everyone's dead ones are dead. Like the grounds are alive. With the sound of my dad's legacy. I care about this place. Okay. I care about this place. I hear you. And please let go of my hand.

I hear. I know that you care. I just want to make sure. I know that you do, know that you do Mr. Witherspoon and I just want to make sure we're on the same page about what kind of appropriate is I mean sorry what kind of behavior is appropriate okay so you don't want me throwing away framed photos I don't want you throwing away framed photos they're there for a reason

alright I'll stop doing that what's the next one amazing thank you so much the next one I think we're just gonna get right to the chase this is not my language but this is theirs pissing on graves language, but this is theirs. Pissing on graves? It actually, and this is something that I learned from the former groundskeeper who lost his mind, it's sad to say. But he was telling me, it was kind of near the end, that piss is better for soil than most water. Than most water? Yeah.

Because most piss is mostly water and most water isn't as good as piss. For soil. And that's, again, I cannot stress this enough. The grounds above the dead are just as important as the dead themselves, if not more so.

I don't, okay. Well, that's where we disagree. I don't think the ground is more important than the deceased. I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Not only stop pissing on the graves, but stop doing it in broad daylight when people are walking around the cemetery. And let me ask just a clarifying question. Is it the piss or is it the act?

It's both. And I would actually, I think piss is a pretty crude word. So let's like like that's great you promise to stop you promise to stop urinating on the grounds i'll stop i just i disagree with the premise on its face that's i i don't care if you disagree i just want to confirm that you will not do it anymore i know you don't care it's important to me that you hear that though what moving on let's hear that you disagree yes by the way both of the first two i feel like have been in the interest of maintaining the grounds which no one

else seems to care about because the grounds aren't as important as the deceased we are a funeral home we are a funeral home we're not a landscaping company you think we'd get any customers if the ground was fucking dirt if it was just dead grass everywhere i think we get more customers if you weren't throwing their valuables away and pissing on their relatives i care about maintaining the grounds and money and they go hand in hand i'm sorry to say sister what'd you call me nothing i've been trying to like be more casual so i've been calling people like and my guy. Don't be casual with me.

I am your boss. I'm your superior. Don't be casual with me. What's the next one? The next one? I mean, I can't believe it. Honestly, I'm shocked with myself for having such a calm,

collected conversation with you about this. You have to stop digging up the graves and putting your personal items into the caskets. I, at a certain point point people stop visiting these graves all right and then it's just bones in a box and they're gonna decompose slower in the box so why don't i dig up the graves put my shit in there free not even free storage because i'm still paying the mortgage on this place. And so then I have storage that I pay for, and people are none the wiser, and the bones decompress.

Sorry, now you got me saying shit that's wrong. The bones decompose on their own in the ground where they're meant to be. People are not none the wiser. We have tape footage of you doing this, and so we all know. Well, now i have a problem because people are filming me without my consent which actually also according to my spiritual

beliefs is stealing my soul into a camera so now you've crossed the line now our customers are at fault and i'm liable to sue mr witherspoon weatherspoons i i'm at a loss quite frankly Mr. Weatherspoon I I'm at a loss quite frankly I'm so sorry to hear that Are they going to be a customer? Nope they're not dead I am at a loss I am at a loss You keep saying oh the grounds

Oh the grounds are the most important thing All you have talked about Is your storage that you pay for You can't use people's caskets as storage. Also, they're paying for the caskets, so you're not paying for that. They paid a flat fee for the caskets and then buried them. I think it's illegal. I'm not going to look it up.

They care about it. This is all pretty black and white issues that I am not going to explain or find a middle ground of why it's bad. You said, list the things and I'll tell you if it's bad or not. They're all bad. And I know that. And it's not, this isn't the meeting. No, let me talk. This is no, don't go. Oh, well, no, because this is not

a meeting of you to decide whether these egregious, disgusting, horrific acts are maybe bad or understandable. That's not what this is. I wish I could fire you, but I can't. In your contract and in your father's wishes, I cannot fire you. That being said, I can put you to another position. Somewhere where you will not be interacting with the grounds at all you are going to drive the hearse from the funeral home to the cemeteries you will only be allowed to

be in the car in the front seat you will not get in the back with the casket mr witherspoons you will be in the front seat driving the hearse how does that sound to you it doesn't matter it sounds really bad okay well it doesn't matter because that's your job and i decided that so i actually don't care driving you guys went with the uh you guys went with the big casket huh yeah it's what my mother would have wanted did your mother require a bigger one or you just kind of wanted to give her some extra room? Excuse me? I'm just trying to figure out if there might be room for my winter clothes. I have a lot of puffer jackets, and...

You're getting a call. Oh, sorry. One second. Hello? You have forgotten, Mr. Wetherspoon, that we do have cameras installed in all of the hearses. And, again, you cannot use caskets as storage. I can't believe this is my life. I'm trying to think of another job for you, and I don't know where else to put you. I think you, let's try me back on the ground.

No, you're not going back on the ground. Then why don't I, do we have a crematorium? We do. You will stand guard of the crematorium. You will not be the one putting the bodies in there. You will be standing guard. That's a new position I just came up for you. All right, all right.

Cut to that. People are slowly putting a body into the crematorium. At the last second, tosses some junk mail in there from home. Man, what are you doing? I didn't want to, like, sometimes you recycle, it doesn't actually get there, right? So why don't we just burn it? It's already burning. No, because now this man's ashes are going to be mixed with the ashes of your junk mail.

How are we going to justify that to his family? It was a restoration hardware coupon book. So he should be so lucky to be in the same sentence, let alone crematorium, as a cloud sofa. We both know what I'm going to say. I can't work in the crematorium. You can't work in the crematorium. This sucks, man. Where's my place? Reception.

You know what? That's a reception. Um, hi. Man, where's my place? You know what? That's a reception Hi, I don't really know How this works, but neither do I I don't know how I don't know. I don't know anymore. Oh I also don't know anymore My wife's just passed I expected rounds are outside Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. Your grounds are outside?

Yeah, continue, continue. Yeah, my wife was really sudden, and she's gone. That's how I feel. Your wife did you wait? They feel gone from me, and it was so sudden. A courier comes with a letter to you. Dear Mr. Witherspoons, I am in the other room but I don't know how else to contact you without interrupting the

bereft you cannot compare you not working on the grounds to the loss of someone's wife that is unacceptable and you are being removed from the reception position alright you know what I quit I'm going somewhere else where I can work with grounds better. Thank God.

Got to him as a barista. Hi, can I please have just an iced Americano to go, please? I'm kind of in a little bit of a rush. Yeah, sorry. Just give me a second. I'm having the time of my fucking life it's like the Nancy Meyers movie soundtrack and you're just like it's like kinetic sand

but it's just you like squeezing coffee grounds this could be. Slow motion of him, like, letting the grounds fall all over him. Like, huge smile. Some of it gets in his mouth. All furnished by restoration hardware. All right, let's take a quick break and get back with some funeral, funeral home reviews.

And we're back. Woo-hoo! Da-da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dum. Woo-hoo! Um, Riley, why don't you hit him with a review all right okay i'm deciding between two here we go this is for wasatch wasatch wasatch lawn mortuary in salt City, Utah. I was watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City last night while I was so I was a little inspired. Okay, this is five stars from Ben L. Ben Lake. Ben Lake City. My whole entire family on both sides is eternally resting. Some of my ashes will go in the plot right next to my dad and uncle right on top of my

grandparents. So needless to say, this place will take excellent care of your loved ones in your time of mourning. Terrible care! Everyone's on top of each other! Attending a funeral. They lower them into the ground. This would be a beautiful resting place for dad. Mom.

They really did a great job. I think so too. It looks really- I can't help but notice that this spot looks really familiar to where grandpa was buried. I know it's been a long time, but maybe it's just the same cemetery, I guess. Oh no, it's the same plot. What? Yeah. No, your great-grand-great-grandpappy and then your grandfather were buried one on top of another, and then your dad is gonna- they're gonna lower them down, like, with a little bit of force, right? So it sort of pushes your great-grandpappy further into the earth's crust. What?

No, they can't do that. I'm sorry. If you don't have $80,000, sweetie, then this is the way it has to be. And you know what? When I die, I'm going right on top of your father, and they're going to shove me deep down in there. And when you die,

unless you're living somewhere else, you're going to push me down into the depths of hell that's fine I don't want this I don't want everyone on top of each other being pushed further into the earth's crust I don't think that's how it works but I mean how many family members do we have in this exact plot I mean there's got to be at least six and this is your idea I didn't come up with it but I don't see any problem with it, alright? I don't want to spend more than we have to. And honestly, your dad was a little fucker, a little bit.

So you know what, he doesn't need the greatest funeral. Munch! Everyone's here! You cheated on me with your aunt! And then your aunt cheated on him with me! So then everyone's at fault. That's true. Then we all deserve this plot, right? Well, I don't want to be in this plot.

I don't want to be on top of everybody. I want to have a family, and maybe I want to be on top of someone else. That's funny. What? Oh, I was just thinking about you with kids, and I was like, oh, yeah. She has no idea. She has no idea. It's like you don't, don't do that don't have kids

you're telling me like mom to potential future mom that i shouldn't have kids why shouldn't i have kids even you saying potential future mom made me shudder at the thought of me being a mom yeah sorry i've had a little bit too much of the communion wine clearly all right well you know what here here we go the priest is coming no we don't have to lower him down well i don't want to talk about this right now i don't want to talk about this right now because they're gonna put dad they're gonna i guess push force down on dad to push they start doing putting it down with like uh one of those things you see on tikt like pushes down on stuff. You hear it start to like splinter a little bit. Honestly, it's not even just that you're too selfish

because I do think that having kids makes you lose some of that selfishness. It's that I don't think you can even take care of yourself while being selfish. Mom, I think they're doing it too much. You need to tell them. You need to tell them to stop. Honey, it's a huge red flag.

Stop! Scream at the stop. Stop! Stop what you what you're doing also breastfeeding with your frame i'm sorry over to the grave i don't know what you have concave hips would be better because sobbing dad i'm honestly afraid you're gonna die in childbirth dad's guts are all over the ground they pushed it too far and they splattered dad in his casket i want you to be part of this plot but i don't want it to be while i'm still alive oh my god i'm looking at his brain it is splattered everywhere use your brain speaking of use your brain the entire all of the group that was there everyone's throwing throwing up. Just like, oh, God. Oh, God.

Better get used to this if you're going to have a baby. Let me tell you. They will spit up all over your favorite clothes. And you know what? You're a little too precious with material items, honey. The funeral director comes over. I'm so sorry. The person manning the machine, they died manning the machine.

This has never happened before. They fell asleep. They're the eternal rest, I should say. And they leaned on the lever. I'm so, so sorry. See this person's level of care and attention? That's a good parent. rest, I should say, and they leaned on the lever. I'm so, so sorry. See this person's level of care and attention? That's a good parent. You've never talked like that about anyone other than you, right? An entire team in hazmat suits coming to

scrape up dad's guts. So those are just a few of my reasons. If you really want to sit down and talk about motherhood, I would love to do that with you, but I just don't think you should take part. I am very sad. All right. Your father's dead and now he's all over the place. So I can't be here. I push you into the grave. Of course.

You go down into the earth's crust. Every single ancestor of ours was in that same plot. It is a direct line down to the earth's core. It's a volcano. They've been doing this since the dawn of time. Just pressing him down.

She's gonna blow! Okay, this is a one-star review also of Queen of Heaven Cemetery. One star from Esther H. Esther Hester. Esther Hester. One star. My daughter died I was the sole provider and was told

Written to actually that if I did not pay up immediately That they would dig her up I somehow acquired a loan to pay for the grave in stone Back in the 70s the trauma they caused me has never gone I wonder if they still do the same to others Horrid experience I'm old now, won't be buried here of course, but the memory of what they did over 40 years

ago is not a happy one. That's horrible. Digging grave. Hey Jim, do you a job, you know? We were put into this system, man, and we gotta make a living. I gotta put food on the table. No, I know, I know, I hear you. And, you know, it's a screwy system that we gotta do this.

But you ever just take a second to think about what the is that we're doing evan if i took a second for anything i would have a complete mental physical breakdown man for anything you never think about your actions no i can't frankly it's too much. You got ADD or ADHD or what? I don't have either of those. I've just done so much morally depraved shit in the name of a buck that I can't stop to think about that. This is honestly the most virtuous job I've ever had I was digging up this poor woman's child Because she wasn't able to pay the plot fee on time is the most moral job that you Say I feel like I'm going straight to hell. I feel like I'm going straight down to the onyx gates

You know like everybody what did you do before this Before this? I was a Sunday school teacher. I was teaching the kids about what the good word says. And now here I am. I feel like a grave robber. I feel like it because I am one in many ways. Why? What did you do before this? Before this, I worked on a cruise line where I would help cover up staff abuse. People were verbally abused, people were assaulted at work, and I was the defense attorney.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? In fact, I was the prosecutor in the counter suit reliable what moved you to do such a thing jim 400 an hour and you know what one day i was like i can't do even that's not enough for how bad i feel so i was like let me do something a little more righteous. And I became an actual gravedigger. For much less money than that, which makes me feel less dirty. But if you think that was bad... Oh my god, no way! What else could you have done?

I was a private hitman for hire. Oh my god, you have killed? killed I've killed I had license to in myself I became so used to the idea of waking up and clocking in which usually meant clocking someone over the head with a bat well hopefully I hopefully, I mean, it's awful. You shouldn't kill anybody, Jim, but maybe there were people who deserved the punishment? Like, maybe they were really, really bad people who

did really bad things. Did that make you feel any better? They were public school teachers. Oh my god, Jim. They were public school teachers that were considering starting a fucking not-profit. Non-profit not one of those not profits they were trying to expand access to education for people in underfunded school they're saints why did you murder them jim because wealthy people wanted them dumb. All right. So I sort of clung to the cash

as I smacked these people on their backs with an axe. Jim, I've noticed that whenever you talk about something really bad, you always start to rhyme. Because if I don't speak in some kind of poesy it feels real to me and then I have to see what's wrong with me Jim listen we've been doing this job together for what six months now well And I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing with me all the dastardly things that you- Starts digging again. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh. But I can't help but feel that you have a lot to apologize for and atone for. Like the movie?

Like the movie, Atonement. Yeah. I would love to do some atonement in a library. I think you need to go, I think for you to have a clear slate on your heart, you need to go apologize to every worker on the cruise ship every family of the teachers that you murdered and To the mother of this here girl. I'll go with you even because I feel terrible What do you say? That sounds like a lot of unfun stuff.

Yeah, Jim. Apologies aren't fun. No, you know what? Maybe I'll just continue my upwards trajectory of getting better every time. Every time, huh? I quit this job. What? And I think I'm going to go... What's slightly better than this?

I mean, a lot of things. This is pretty horrible. An insurance adjuster. Oh my god. But I might have to be in the pocket of the insurance company on this one. I might have to be on their side. You don't have to. It's all I know, Evan.

It's being bad. You could start to change your life. What do you think I'm doing here? Why do you think I just took a job at fucking Allstate? Just now. You're still being bad. You just admitted that. Better than this.

Better than this. And maybe after the insurance adjust Yeah, what are you gonna do then that's slightly better than that in? Medical imaging okay, but it's gonna be really expensive for the patients It shouldn't be to get an x-ray or an MRI should not be It's helping people Yeah, but it kind of negates it once you start costing an arm and a leg Sorry, it feels inappropriate under these circumstances

Don't laugh, hey, no, don't fake laugh If it's that funny, man I'd listen to you talk about all the egregious stuff that you've done but one of the worst things you've done is fake laugh at my joke because that makes me feel bad wait what's that on your keychain says parent of a gifted child Yeah, LA charter school Yeah, my daughter. She is in third grade, but reads at a sixth grade level She's pretty incredible. Does she learn that sorry from school or from you? sometimes Reading yeah, like do you teach your stuff at home? I do. We always read together before bed.

I'm not telling you, man. What's zip code? I live in 02573. Grabs you, tosses you to the grave. I'm sorry, Evan. I'm sorry. What are you doing? That's an underserved community. Old habits die hard, am I right?

What are you going to do to my daughter? Oh, nothing. So you just wanna hurt me because we live in an underserved community? Yeah, yeah. You don't have to do- Are you being paid for this even? I'm realizing no. So sorry about that.

You want a hand? Out of there? Yeah. Thanks. Lift you up. See? I'm getting better. See? See? Slightly better.

Was slightly better than robbing a grave and we'll just kind of take it incrementally from there i'm not trying to make any big changes because that's not gonna stick it's the baby steps that get you there yeah yeah lily pads um all right should we do our last segment let's do it this you want to go first oh wow i don't know what else is shaking me other than this. I guess what's shaking me is the episode title feels ironically apropos of what's kind of shaking both of us. So what's shaking me is a little announcement, a big announcement I want to make.

It's just this really tiny little thing. It's a real small thing. It's so small, you guys are barely gonna notice um yeah so i wanted to announce that uh at the end of this year i will be stepping away from hosting the show uh the short of it is that i've been working on a lot of projects outside of podcasting that i'm very excited about and after doing this with you for and with y'all for three years uh it feels like the right time to shake things up i can't believe it's been three years it's been three that's crazy um and sort of let the show evolve and see what other shit i can come up with once i have a fire under my ass so that's uh that's the big news and it's pretty shaking it's pretty honestly this is shaking yeah

yeah but it's also it's it's bittersweet it's really sad for me uh but i think it's the right time to to shake things up and uh i'm excited to see uh how the show evolves from here and um i'm looking forward to coming back on as a guest yes whenever you'll have jeff will be here this is not the last you'll hear of jeff on review review by a mile and also everything's fine like i don't want y'all taking this is like oh did something happen with them like everything it's a good it's bittersweet but ultimately we both decided that it's the right time. And it's really sad. But also, I'm so grateful to have done this with you for three years. And grateful to everyone who's, like, supported and listened to the show. The show's still going.

The show's not ending. But just with Jeff as a co-host. And we felt so supported. And in a second, we'll talk about what this means for the future of the show but i just wanted to also say yeah that doing this show with you riley has been one of the greatest accomplishments of my young career and honestly personal life me too uh and it's given us so many memories given me so many laughs and just like sentences that exist now in our heads and in my head that would have never happened if we hadn't hopped on zoom calls every week for the past three years

sometimes twice a week uh and i'm just yeah i'm grateful for the ride that we've had together so far i'm excited for your ride with this show continuing on and i'm excited to come back on as a guest have you on at the head gum podcast and and we're still doing the head gum sketches together we're still doing a bunch of shit we still have the patreon we're still doing zardes we'll still are doing q and a's like the only thing that's changed um really really tiny minuscule thing is that jeff is no longer the co-host of review of you at the end of the year but it's like such a small thing that like nobody's gonna even notice um yeah i mean doing this show yeah yeah you what were you gonna say i had it and then i lost it so sorry about that um yeah it's just been it's been a fucking creative ride. Yeah. And we've met so many cool people doing this together.

And just done some kick-ass improv. Like, loose rice in a bag. Trenton and Duncan. We'll get into more of this on the best of. Which also, speaking of, we'll mention this later, too. But the best of review review Google form is up. It's on our subreddit. Reddit.com forward slash r slash

review review that was the worst way i've ever plugged that reddit r slash review review yeah there's the google form so be sure to do that right as soon as you hear this because your favorite doing the we're recording the best ofs later this week when you're hearing this so uh we'll do all the reminiscing on those episodes i don't want to take up too much time it doesn't feel it yeah so we have this episode together we have one more just kind of normal episode the two of us um and then we're gonna do our two best ofs um so you still have after this week we have another normal episode like this yeah we're gonna go out with a bang and a claim it doesn't doesn't feel real. Like, I think once it's, like, really the last one of us together,

I'm going to be sad. I might cry, and that's in spite of my mybomian gland dysfunction. But this has just been the biggest joy, and I love you, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of us. And, yeah, I'll probably have more to say on the last one because it's like oh we have a couple more to do but also y'all like the show is still going strong and we have a lot of fun shit coming up for you guys when Jeff and I were talking about kind of like where to go with this show the options were either not to have it anymore or me doing it alone or me bringing in a co-host and

i love this show so much and i know we both do and i and jeff has also encouraged me and i want to do it both we're like let's keep we want to keep the show alive we want to keep it going um i know jeff does i do and i hope you guys do too i hope you guys still keep listening my god um but i know that me doing it alone would involve me booking a guest every single episode and that would um send me to a funeral home so we talking about kind of what we love about the show where we we feel excited about the show, where we feel so much of the joy of the show come from is our friendship and our chemistry. And immediately the first person who we thought of who shares that same joy and chemistry and fun and improv shit um your new co-host i just got buttery flies i went from being kind of sad to being excited the new co-host along with me is gonna be alfred barnwell

alfred ednett alfred and it so we're really he will and i will start we will kick off the new phase of review review um in 2023 in the new year um we're so excited alf is so so so excited to step into the show and we were so encouraged and like so thrilled um for how much you guys loved him on the show and so he's gonna be here every time and that's what like makes me so excited about the future of the show is like the burst of energy that is alfred yeah what and how the what he's gonna bring to the show just as a new voice too too. I think he's so funny, just even conversationally. And the three of us having played on these last two episodes that we've done with him, I've just been like,

the show's in good hands. Yeah, just passing the torch to someone very deserving. And the fear is that the show is better when I leave. That's actually a really cool idea i never thought i thought it was like a continuation of it being fun but now it's like oh an upwards trajectory an upward trajectory for sure we'll get twice the amount of listeners we're gonna have even bigger and better guests actually hard to be the advice for sure we're gonna definitely have more fun guests on next year um more crazy ass reviews

we we're we're gonna do it big it's kind of like it's what's been fun about this change is it's lit a fire under all of our asses yeah and so yeah it's gonna be it's bittersweet and exciting and sad and thrilling and all of the things and so we really are so excited for all of us to go on this ride together yeah I mean I after three years it feels like the right time and hopefully it forces all of us to grow as comedians and as people and this time next year we'll look back and be like wow look what happened yeah um and if this is the first time you're listening to the podcast then don't memorize who i am then it doesn't none of this matters um and i guess if you haven't listened anything else the new co-host

is a is an incredible actor improviser long long long long time friend of mine uh who at one point was hit in the face with an axe yeah i was gonna say like actor improviser comedian based in Chicago but that is more important I guess is that he's known is that he was hit in the face of the next and again we'll have so much time on next week's episode and the best ofs to reminisce for me to say thank you to you Riley and to the audience but I just want to say it here again uh thank you guys so much for your listenership and support these past three years thank you for your continued support of hopefully myself and definitely the show uh going forward and riley

hats off to you brava you're uh an incredibly talented improviser and it's been an honor doing this show with you and i'm excited for the first time i'm excited to round it out and celebrate and i'm excited to come back on as a guest uh and see what it's like because i've never done that yeah oh i love you man and all the same to you um you can find guest of Review Review, Jeffrey James, on Instagram. Plugging shit. At JeffBoyRD. Midway through next year, I'm just like, I thought I was going to write like four pilots and I'm a failure. Will you take me back?

On Instagram at JeffBoyRD, on Twitter. Oh, sorry. Instagram at Jeffrey James, Twitter at JeffBoyRD. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. I bet that next year we're going to be a lot more active on Instagram on Twitter at ReviewReviewShow. Reddit at r slash

ReviewReview. And you can follow Riley on Instagram at RileyAnspa on Twitter at RileyCoyote. Let's thank some VI podcasts, which, by the way, we mentioned this a little bit before. We are going to continue doing our Patreon, the two of us, but it's just going to kind of shift away from being related to Review Review. It'll be more about

just hanging out with us, our creative friendship and partnership outside of Review Review, and maybe we'll even toss up some behind-the-scenes of HeadGum sketches as we work on those and stuff. That'll evolve. We haven't exactly figured out how, but definitely still doing the Q&As and the Zardes. So'll evolve. We haven't exactly figured out how, but definitely still doing

the Q&As and the Zardes. So subscribe. Stay subscribed. Stay subscribed. Unsubscribe if you want. Join. It's going to be just as much of a hell

of a blast as it's been. Oh, yeah. Nothing about that's really changing. But after we read them today, there will be three more episodes where we're reading the names of the VI podcasts on the show

because once it's me and Alf it's you know this is for me and Jeff and so that will be one change but again the Patreon is still going strong even stronger even so if you want change up you got three more

chances after those to change up those names let's see some of it let's you know what here's a challenge i want to see the most egregious names possible nothing nothing racist misogynistic homophobic not you no don't just don't be an asshole but like i want to see the craziest fucking names that you can come up with to give to let jeff go out with a bang that's a great idea that's my challenge to the vi podcasts who we're about to read and then again uh it's in the head gum discord it's on the review review reddit uh go vote for your best of favorite episodes favorite episodes for the best i am so excited for that uh and we might even try and do those episodes in studio with a drink or five or nine

i might have a negroni. Well, that's a lot. But I'm about to submit my picks of what my favorites are. Alright, let's thank some patrons. Thank you to underscore Christian Sidehug so he can hug two people simultaneously. Sorry, I was on the wrong tier.

Aggie! Ako is on the fucking go Your hate can't catch up to her When she's fucking soaring above the ocean Continue to tread lightly At this point I can't even tell if Daddy chose Tuesdays Or if Tuesdays chose Daddy

It's just well me Austin has been feeling kind of down lately No but just sad JK I do hate my new apartment's tiny toilet though Kamisposy that's spooky and cozy cuz it's October baby it's December first fish Carol Fisher Chuck curvature's world tour Dakota can't pee with the shower curtain closed because well what if there's a murder Elvis Wesley so it's Elvis but with a British accent and a fucking butler I guess fancy octopus is

submitting and dominating. Jack of all lates. Follow my cat on Instagram. You have to find the at yourself, though. No handouts, fucks. Foot fetish can. Gray feels like he should be getting a discount. Patreon slash Uber eats wise.

Happy Halloween. It's October. Wrong. I eat spaghetti and meatballs. It's like spaghetti and meatballs, but instead of noodles, I eat the sun. Oh, my God. I'm happy John Lennon is dead. I'm Riley Anspun. Have you ever heard of this new show, The Office?

You know, John Krasinski's kind of a zaddy. I'm going to say it. If spaghetti and heat balls substitutes noodles for the sun, then you're just eating the sun and whatever Heatballs is. New patron. New patron. Ira Kras. So it's Ira Glass, but he's reviving British new punk band Kras

because there haven't been enough members in that band yet. It's July, and you know what that means. Flag day. Let's get flapping. Jackson, Mississippi. Jake and Amir. We pay you already, so didn't think you deserved two separate Patreon subs. Jake Ullman.

James Wagner was on a date and almost called her his ex's name, so no wonder why that guy's single. That happened to me once. I hooked up with someone who looked like my long-term ex, and I almost called her by her name. Good. Jeffrey Games. Yeah, good. Jeff's evil twin, but playful. Jesse Tipton. Joe, and for lack of a better term well malazzo caleb forgot to change his name whoops casper bo pasper

kevin williams new patron new patron look to be failed look to be fair damien kirk ran into that fence over a decade ago but to be unfair he still bears the shame to this day. Lord Hunter the Ordained. Lucas Heinzel. Bob Bagel. What the fuck? Sorry. Michael Bagel. Mr. Bob Buley ever thankful. Bob Bagel. My mom said I can't use the computer anymore unless it's for

homework. Nate Portia says hi to Christina, who's now listened to every episode. New patron. Not a new patron. No, it's for real this time. Nolan Murphy was born in December and is thus, well, Christ. Oh, hi, Mark. Well, priest. Puff Riley.

Raven Schmaven. Reese, the brand new Swatch Bergman. Nice. Smoke and Time on Main Island has closed for the winter, and Jameson Poncy has to come up with new funny original names now. Smooth Pete and his jazz band that used to be popular but is now struggling to remain relevant as mostly limited to making tj michael what can i say except i'm agent michael scarn oh oh sorry let me redo that what can i say except i'm agent michael scarn without connor finnegan's rage there's only connor finnegan's anguish so the rage must remain but be

kept ablaze thank you so much patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff again your challenge is to is to blow us the fuck away make my jaw drop make his jaw and his ass drop. Thank you guys so much for listening to Review Review and let's give Jeff a great send off these next couple episodes and also give Alf a great welcome. If I see the podcast numbers

drop, I'm going to find each of you personally and beat the living shit out of your eyes and give you a hug. i'm gonna say why i'm gonna say why i'm not gonna threaten people on a podcast but i will say why'd you do it i've never done that i've never done that we'll see you next time arrivederci that was a hit gum original