Review Revue - Gillette Razors

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Alf and Reilly are back as a totally normal and functioning family,  soul-less beasts, and pube leprechauns. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the di...scord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.
Starting point is 00:00:30 Show a little more. Show a little less. I've answered Alfred's plea. The song about his ex. I don't know much about it But I can tell you this I was born with just one cheek I was cleaved apart by an axe Oh, no one knows what you're hiding
Starting point is 00:00:59 Underneath your capri pants So if you want us to respect you You better post it on Twitter like a man Now come on everybody Let's really make them feel harassed Each sending 20 themes Songs about else Yes
Starting point is 00:01:30 That was amazing. Genuinely speechless. Genuinely vocal. Okay, that was from Hannah Key. Hannah said, Hi, pals. I heard Alf desperately crying out for a song about his ass
Starting point is 00:01:43 on the HeadGumPod. This is one I made about Jeff's. This is, this is when I made about Jeff's ass and is requested. I have pivoted to make it about Alf. If you could plug my Instagram at Hannah, R-K-H-A-N-A-R-K-E-E. That'd be excellent. Love you. Hannah, that was amazing.
Starting point is 00:01:59 What's even, what's even more amazing. I cannot stress this enough. Literally seconds before we started recording before this is true this song was gonna be alf just went wagon wheel watch we were quoting share from burlesque that was a cover of burlesque welcome to burlesque from burlesque sung by literally we were quoting burlesque seconds before right before the sentence that was said right before riley hit play on that theme song is, Cher really put her wagon wheel, her whole wagon wheel watussi in that.
Starting point is 00:02:31 Which is a joke about that fucking music. That's fucking. Wagon wheel watussi. Wagon wheel watussi. Okay. I have to say, everybody out there who's listening right now. That was insane. The bar has been set.
Starting point is 00:02:44 The bar has been set. The bar has been set. That final note. Dude. Holy shit. Holy shit. Everybody else. Take note. Take note.
Starting point is 00:02:53 Take note. That was amazing. I mean, what a high to start off on. Thank you so much. What was that Instagram again? Plug that Instagram one more time. H-A-N-A-R-K-E-E. That was fucking sick.
Starting point is 00:03:04 I'm good. I mean, my God. What's new with you after that? What's new with you, E-Cat? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's new with me? I don't know. I'm speechless. I'm stunned.
Starting point is 00:03:16 I'm gooped. I'm gagged. Yeah, I had a little, I'm having a little waterloo seltzer today little cherry limeade meant to buy spindrift don't know how i ended up with this shit i've never had it it's not as good as spinny but enough about i could have told you that god imagine being a spindrift influencer they send cases to your house if i could get a spindrift and a duncan look as a person who no longer drinks alcohol to have a spindrift and a duncan sponsorship that's my whole fucking
Starting point is 00:03:52 life everything made i'd never i'd never work again i just live off spindrift and okay that's an eating disorder no no wait shit how are you. Shit. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing? Hey, no, seriously. How are you? When this episode comes out, I'll be... This comes out on the 30th, right? May 30th? Uh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:18 I'm turning 27 in a couple days. June 3rd is my birthday. Stop lying about your age. Alf is convinced that I'm 29. You're 29 and you're lying. Or that I'm turning 29. You're lying about your age. I don't know why.
Starting point is 00:04:30 But I'm turning 27 and that feels cool. I had a moment recently where it's just like I felt not that 27 is old or young. I mean, I guess it is young. It's a big birthday though.
Starting point is 00:04:41 It's a big birthday. It's not. It is. It's 26 mid-20s, 27. Mama. 27, beginning of my late 20s. Welcome to your late 20s. And it's like I felt-
Starting point is 00:04:49 The twilight years of the best decade of your life. I felt my age in a good way- In many ways, you're dying. Of being like, oh, I feel like I'm turning 27. I just feel good, and I feel like my frontal lobe is definitely far beyond fully formed at this point. God, wish I could relate. I think mine's stunted. And so it just feels cool.
Starting point is 00:05:12 Like I feel, I don't know, sorry to be earnest. Sorry, oh, sorry. I feel good. I'm feeling really good and I'm excited to turn 27. It's like last year turning 26 gave me panic, gave me fear. Well, because 25, I loved being 25. Really?
Starting point is 00:05:29 25 is one of my best years. Oh, that's good to hear. Best ages. That's good to hear. And so turning 26, I just had this like wild nostalgic attachment to 25 that I'm like, suddenly I'm like, oh man, I'm past the halfway mark of my 20s. And like, that was very scary to me. Right, right, right.
Starting point is 00:05:47 And made me feel like all these insecurities around, it's like, you know, where I am, where I should be, all these things, a lot of comparing. And like, now entering my late 20s, I'm like, oh, we're fine. We're fine. And comparison is the thief of joy, mama. Oh. And it feels like, I think 26 is a strange age because it's like you're kind of in your mid-20s
Starting point is 00:06:08 but you're not in the late 20s yet so it just felt 26 is odd and so 27 does feel like oh yes, I'm rooted in like I'm in my late 20s I mean, you know, I'm days away now but so that feels exciting
Starting point is 00:06:20 so that's what's new with me I mean, I'm just an idiot with a baby so I actually can't relate to any of that. How old are you again? 23? 24? 23. God, I wish.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Yeah, I'm 24. I'll be turning 25 about a month after you turn 27. Yeah. That's exciting. 25 was my favorite age. I can't wait. You've really sold it for me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:40 But we're not here to talk about turning 25 or 27 or 29 is how things I'm going to be. Oh, I think I got the wrong reviews. I got reviews for the age 27. We're here to talk about something. Hmm. Something. Yeah, do it. You got it.
Starting point is 00:06:56 You can find something. Surely. We're here to talk about something, um, smooth. Something. We're here to talk about something powerful. Something revolutionary. Don't make that noise when we're talking about this. We're here to talk about something useful, for sure.
Starting point is 00:07:21 We're here to talk about Gillette razors. Gillette, the best a man can get razors what the hell kind of slogan is that man i mean it's pretty self-explanatory it's the best a man can get do you what razors do you use if you use razors i mean here's the thing about me. I wear a beard. Isn't that funny? Isn't that what you say? Is that what you say? Wear a beard? Last episode,
Starting point is 00:07:51 you said ice cream cake. So honestly, anything you say is going to make no sense to me. Fuck you. I wear a beard and I eat cashews and at the end of the night,
Starting point is 00:08:02 I'll treat myself to a little ice cream cake. You fucking weirdo. Let me take off my beard I've been wearing all day. I don't know why that suddenly turned into the Mad Hatter. I'm gonna take off my beard
Starting point is 00:08:18 this afternoon. I'm getting all hot under the collar because of my beard. Have you used Gillette razors? No. Oh. When I... So I've worn a beard for a long time now. I hate that.
Starting point is 00:08:32 Since I was in college. Actually, the last time I shaved my beard off and I was fully shaven was March 2020. And then the pandemic hit and I said, well, I'm never fucking bothering doing that again. And I haven't been fully clean shaven since. And when I was shaving, I was a Bic man because they're the cheapest possible raised disposable razors. Did you get a lot of cuts with those?
Starting point is 00:08:58 Because I would use them way longer than I should because I was cheap. And it's like, you know, and so they were like, and they weren't like, you know, Gillette is always doing like,. And it's like, you know, and so they were like, and they weren't like, you know, Gillette is always doing like, oh, this is our, you know, stainless steel nine layer blade.
Starting point is 00:09:12 It's, oh, there's so many blades. It's like, I was using a single blade like, just pulling the hair out more than actually cutting it. That's awful. Which is part of the reason I stopped shaving. It was like yeah it was doing reeking havoc on my skin um but no i i i uh i never really used gillette no not that i not
Starting point is 00:09:33 that i can think of um and of course now sorry i was just googling if Gillette makes, because I know Gillette's, excuse me, Gillette's whole like brand is, oh, okay. I think it's the same company, isn't it? I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I didn't know that Gillette owns Venus Razors. Yes, yes. It's the same company. I had no idea.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Yeah. That's interesting because I've used Venus Razors. Oh, hey, I just want to say, you are an an idiot but not because of that why would you know that why would you have known that i use a billy razor so that's just like it's a reusable handle and then you just buy new um whatever but so i remember always say it's like gillette I mean, listen, again, why are razors, so many things, but we're talking about razors, why are razors gendered? Why gendered? Why so expensive? And like, yes,
Starting point is 00:10:31 and women's razors are so much more expensive than the men's razors, and it's wild. It's like, the branding of a Gillette razor is like stainless steel, neon green, blue, black, metallic, like all this stuff, And it's like, but women, we have
Starting point is 00:10:47 to use a pink one, because if we don't, we'll explode. So I just remember like the Gillette, you get Gillette, the best a man can get, and then I'm your Venus, I'm your fire, your desire. But Gillette specifically, it's like, I just remember that it was like, I don't know, Mina. I'm your fire. But Gillette specifically, it's like, I just remember that it was like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:11:07 The ads I remember seeing were always just so like sexual, but like very straight, very straight ads. Well, and that we can all agree on. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting. I think things like razors are are like a an interesting marketing exercise you know and i'm get ready everybody because i will be speaking about something i have zero qualifications uh unlike all the other episodes but it's like all razors are basically
Starting point is 00:11:34 the fucking same you know what i mean like the venus razors the gillette razors whether they're branded for men branded for women bick amazon base it doesn't matter what like brand of razor you're getting it's not like there's really that much technology that like you know is new and going into it so it's just an exercise in like nah real men use our razors and it's like for what like you know for what it what? It's incredible. It's incredible, like, the kind of arbitrarily gendered things that you find in a store or anywhere. And the lady ones are more expensive. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:16 Which makes you think. So that's really cool. Makes you think, huh? But I just, like, I remember I have visceral memories of, of like Gillette commercials where it's like the handle of the razor looks like a spaceship. Like there's so much going on. You really thought about these Gillette commercials.
Starting point is 00:12:30 These live rent free in your head. I just, I think it's just because it was like so much And you described them as sexy a minute ago. The commercials,
Starting point is 00:12:36 because it was like the way they filmed it, the way Gillette is the best a man can get. I don't know, man. I think you might, that might be a new thing. Whatever.
Starting point is 00:12:44 I want to fuck the razor. Should we get into it? It looked... No, the razor, it looked like a spaceship. It looked like a hot man. The razor looked like a rockin' bod. A sexy guy.
Starting point is 00:12:59 An oiled up Heracles. Dude. I can start. I don't know. Can you? I have a review for Gillette. Okay. All the reviews I have are for the Gillette Intimate Manscaped Design.
Starting point is 00:13:18 No. So it's for your between me down there's. You're meeting and two veg. Your sausage roll. This one's from Jessica P. It's five stars. Okay. Also, it's like for men's pubic area is how it's advertised.
Starting point is 00:13:42 Jessica P. Jessica Pubis. Jessica. That name is going P. Jessica Pubis. Jessica. That's name is going to be Jessica Pubis. Five stars. The title is funny mistake. Full disclosure. I absolutely did not read the product description and just anticipated a
Starting point is 00:13:58 regular old razor. I was dying laughing when it arrived and I saw what i had actually ordered i needed a razor and just grabbed one that was gonna arrive at my door lol i will laugh again when i use it wait what what's different about it i guess is that she just like wanted a razor for her legs but what does it look like she's like i thought when i and then just a razor it's just the packaging is probably like for men's pubic mound or something i just love that it's like i killed her laughing like oh it's crazy but then to be like i'm gonna laugh again every single time i use it it is the funniest shit i've ever seen it will never get old that i'm and it's just a razor.
Starting point is 00:14:49 Knock, knock. Jessica, mom said that you have to get out of the shower. I have been waiting for 20 minutes. Steph, sob. I'm busy. What are you doing in there? Are you being gross? What? No, I'm literally just like showering.
Starting point is 00:15:06 Okay, well you've been showering for 20 minutes. Get out. What is so funny? What is wrong with you? Oh, Steph, you wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it. You're not old enough. We're the same. Okay, what? We're 10 months apart? Shut up. I'm coming in there. I swear to God. Stop. No, don't
Starting point is 00:15:22 come in. Don't come in. I'm gonna be late for school. Barges in. What is so funny? Fine. Just like read that. Read that package. Read that package. Okay. Stop.
Starting point is 00:15:37 Stop it. No. This is Gillette. Intimate for Men. It says for pubic mound. That's crazy. Sucks. It's crazy.
Starting point is 00:15:58 All right, girl. Hey, hey. Oh. Whoa. Sorry. You take this one, chair. No, sorry, you take this one, Jer No, sorry, man, uh, I know, you know, it's weird having a stepdad in the house And, you know, you're the oldest son And I, you know, it's like I'm the new, I'm the new man in your mom's life
Starting point is 00:16:16 I know things can get a little weird No, Jerry, no, you know, obviously our relationship, you know, you're, you're not like a father to me, but I see you as almost an older brother. So you go ahead, whatever you were going to say, you take it away, my friend. And you know what? I'm so glad, you know, if anything, I'd want to be a friend to you. Maybe not an older brother, because that kind of loses a certain respect I could have as a father figure. I hope in time. Oh, I don't see it like that.
Starting point is 00:16:44 You could come to see me. You could come to see me, you could come to see me as if not a dad, then maybe like, you know, a friend. Funny you say that. I think a lot of people would rather that I said brother than friend. But, if that's what you want, I can strive for that, Jerry. Well, why
Starting point is 00:17:00 would people say that, Tim? I think you're closer to your brother than you are to just a friend, probably. But you don't, if I may, you don't necessarily respect the orders of a brother than you would a friend. No, you're right. Wait.
Starting point is 00:17:16 No, you're wrong. I'm definitely more likely to what was that? Respect the orders of an older brother than a friend. That came out. I'll admit it. That came out a little bit wrong.
Starting point is 00:17:28 I'm not saying that I'm going to order you around or that your brother would be ordering your friend. Even I just meant like, you know, if ever, God forbid your mom were to pass and you end up in my legal guardianship that if I were to say what's what, then you're going to go along with that. And trust me. Let's be clear about something here. I'm 17. If my mom were to untimely pass now, I would just be, I wouldn't have a guard, I'd be done.
Starting point is 00:17:59 Like, you wouldn't- But don't you have to be 18? Right, I'm turning 18 in six months. Sure, if mom died in the next six months. Which, God forbid, I mean, I hope that doesn't happen. Knock on wood, knock on wood. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. I don't know how we got here, man.
Starting point is 00:18:18 I gotta get the girls to school, and I gotta get to school myself. You gotta get the girls- well, I can drive the girls. Well, I go to the same school. I could drive all you guys. You never let me drive. You're always like, oh, I wanna drive. Well, it doesn't make sense. I have to go there anyway. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:18:38 I just wanted to bond a little bit more with you is all. You can drive us. You can drive us, man. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be an asshole. No, but I don't wanna do it if you're gonna resent me. I'm not us. You can drive us, man. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be an asshole. No, but I don't want to do it if you're gonna resent me. I'm not gonna resent you for taking me to school. I just feel bad, because I don't feel like it's necessary, because I, again,
Starting point is 00:18:53 like, I have to drive. I have to go over there anyway. The girls are still laughing in there. To be in the mind of a teenage girl, you know? What a crazy place. What do you think they're laughing about in there? Jerry, I have it the faintest.
Starting point is 00:19:12 I truly... Can I just say, Tim? I truly have it the faintest idea. You are the most mature voice and kind of everything about you. 17-year-old I've ever met. Well, you know, I don't think I love my stepfather saying everything about me is mature, but...
Starting point is 00:19:27 I didn't mean it like that, man. Both vocally and everything about me, but, you know... I just mean, you've never gotten the vibe from anyone that no one's ever thought of you as like a 40-something? Not 40, no. Definitely late 20s before. No, I think, you know, after Dad left, I had to step up, be the man of the house for Steph and Jesse, and I think here we are, you know? It's great to hear that kind of laughter in the morning. You know, I'll be honest, Jerry. There were quite a few years this house didn't have much laughter at all. Well, I appreciate you saying that.
Starting point is 00:20:14 And I appreciate you. So you think that I'm the one who brought the laughs, right? I did not say that. Oh. I thought based on the context. I did not say it either. Sorry. No, I just mean there were a lot of factors.
Starting point is 00:20:29 Well, I hope I can take everyone's funny bone. Again. I didn't mean it like that. Sure. I think you do just fine, Jerry. You're a funny guy. Girls! Girls, it's time for school!
Starting point is 00:20:44 Steph, Jesse, we gotta go We're coming Stop, you guys Stop, I have to stop Finally comes out Oh my god, I'm crying Oh my god, that was crazy Yeah, we're ready, we're ready to go
Starting point is 00:21:01 What was so funny in there, ladies? Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. You guys would not get it, seriously. Oh, come on. You wouldn't get it. Tell me. No, Jerry, seriously, dude, like, chill out. Let's go to school.
Starting point is 00:21:15 Jerry, you wouldn't get it. Come on, Tim. Come on, Tim and Tim. Let's get in the car. Let's go to school. Well, I'm going to drive you guys. Actually, Jerry's going to drive us today. Oh. Oh. Okay. Actually, Jerry's gonna drive us today. Oh.
Starting point is 00:21:25 Oh. Okay. Whatever. That's fine. Oh, come on. Don't everyone get too excited? No, it's for sure. Hey, Jessie.
Starting point is 00:21:39 Jessie. Yeah? Remember the packaging? What packaging? What packaging? What are you guys talking about? No, don't worry, Jerry. You wouldn't get it. It's not a good joke for you.
Starting point is 00:21:54 Cut to dinner that night. Honey, did you have a good day at work? You know, it was quite busy and everybody was being quite, uh, quite, quite competitive. The company hasn't met the sales goal for the month and so- That's so great. Hey, uh, if I could just bring something up real quick. Sorry? Oh, yeah, sure.
Starting point is 00:22:20 I feel like secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone in this house. Can we all agree on that? Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess. Well, there was a secret secret that kind of hurt points to me. This one, this morning. Um, it's not nice to feel excluded.
Starting point is 00:22:40 It's not nice to feel like out of the joke. Jerry, I already apologized For the brother friend thing I don't think you need to bring this up again No, no, no, no, no, no, no It's not about that The girls were having a good chuckle And listen, I'm all for laughs in this house
Starting point is 00:22:57 I love a laugh But Jerry, Jerry, oh my god You were holding your wine glass so tight That it shattered in your hand Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine, you were holding your wine glass so tight that it shattered in your hand. Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. You're bleeding.
Starting point is 00:23:09 I'm fine. Steffi, get a towel. I want to know. Steffi, get a towel. I want to know. Everyone, no one's leaving this table until the girls tell me what they were laughing at this morning. Jerry, it's like- Jerry, it's literally not a big deal.
Starting point is 00:23:22 It's like literally not even a big deal. It's not a big deal. It's literally not even a big deal. It's not a big deal. No one leaves the table until I know what was funny. Because I like to laugh. No, we know. I want us all to be in on the joke. No, we know you like to laugh. I know your mother wants to laugh as well. Your mother's had a hard day at work.
Starting point is 00:23:39 She would love a laugh. Yeah, I don't know what's happening here. Things have gotten a little chaotic. Girls, girls, why won't you just tell your stepfather what was going on? Okay, whatever. Okay, okay. It's not even a big deal. Like, Steffi. You called me Jessie earlier.
Starting point is 00:24:04 Sorry, I'm Steff. I'm steff i'm steffy sorry speaking the third person well she was laughing i came in the bathroom she was laughing first so you should tell him no like yeah but it wasn't really like i was like wasn't busting up until sissy came in and then i was like laughing my freaking ass off i hate when you do that. No, but it's cute. It's like my little sissy. Okay, fine. I was like... I was like shaving my legs, if you must know. Okay. And that's your right, and that's your right.
Starting point is 00:24:38 I didn't ask. You did. You literally made me tell you what I was doing. I asked what was funny while you were laughing. Okay, so I was shaving my legs. And I... Sorry. And I had bought these razors. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:24:53 Jessie, stop. Jessie, stop. I'm sorry. I'm trying to tell them the story. And I had bought these razors on Amazon. And I bought them and I didn't even think about it. Like, I just used mom's credit card and I just bought them or whatever. The point. Get to it didn't even think about it. I just used mom's credit card and I just bought them or whatever. The point get to it.
Starting point is 00:25:08 Jerry, give her Jerry, give them a sec to explain. They're answering your question. Yeah, Jerry, come on. Let's let the girls tell their story. I'm sorry. I'm impatient. So yeah, I used mom's credit card or whatever and I ordered these razors, and then they came.
Starting point is 00:25:29 And, like, I thought I just ordered, like, normal, like, girl razors. But I didn't. I had actually ordered... I ordered these razors that said they were... Oh my god! They said they were for male pubic mounds! Pubic mound! Stop!
Starting point is 00:25:55 And that's what you were having a good chortle about earlier? Yeah. I could get into that. Sorry, what was that, Jerry? I could get into that kind of stuff. What do you mean you could get into that? I don't like that. I don't like that.
Starting point is 00:26:13 That kind of comedy. I think that's funny. Do you? Yeah. You paused for a long time after they said it, and you didn't say anything. Well, I had to think about why it was funny, and now I get it. Okay, explain it. Why is it funny?
Starting point is 00:26:28 It's funny because she's a girl, and they're razors for male pubes. Yeah, I mean, it is pretty funny. Honey, do you think it's funny? Sorry, what? I was looking at my email. Busy day at work again. Always on your phone. Yeah. Honey, a girl using guy pube razor. Funny, no?
Starting point is 00:26:53 Jeremy, why would you say that at the family dinner table? Guy pube razors. Yeah, Jerry, that's like really gross. That's really gross. Jerry, ew. Can you and the girls say it. Can you guys, just for once, can we have a family dinner that doesn't descend into this name-calling pubic jokery? Right, Mother. We can do that for you.
Starting point is 00:27:23 Absolutely. For you, honey. Anything. And also for me. Right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, whatever you say. For Mom. We can do it for Mom. For Mom. I feel like no one wants me part of this family anymore. Jerry, you seem to be forgetting this morning
Starting point is 00:27:45 when I said you were like a brother to me. And if I'm being honest, you're kind of fumbling the bag. You said he was like our brother? No, I said he was like my brother, Steffi. It's different. I don't know what he is to you.
Starting point is 00:28:02 He could be nothing. He's our stepdad. I mean, whatever, he's fine. Why are we having this conversation in front of me? Let's adhere to your mother's wishes, because she's the one who's giving orders around here, not me. Although. Wait, no, I'm sorry, Jerry. You're obsessed with talking about giving orders. It's like all you ever think a parent is supposed to do is like give orders. And it's not even, it's weird because you don't even like try and give us orders. Can I be honest? But you're always like hoping you could one day.
Starting point is 00:28:37 Can I be honest? It's giving weirdo. It's giving weirdo. It's giving weirdo, Jerry. I've never had any biological kids of my own. Right. I feel like we would know if you had. There's part of me that thinks you can only give orders if they're your own flesh and blood. And so I haven't wanted
Starting point is 00:28:55 to step over the line with you kids, but if you're giving me the opening and the door, I'll walk on through it. So eat your dinner. Go upstairs, brush your teeth, tuck yourselves into bed. Now. Jerry, what? You are funny as hell.
Starting point is 00:29:19 Where has this Jerry been? I'm laughing. I love this Jerry. This Jerry is fucking weirdo. I love it. Wait, this Jerry is like- This is funny. I'm laughing! I love this Jerry! This Jerry is fucking weirdo. I love it. This is funny. I'm giving orders to you. Wait, no. I want to bring this Jerry like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Pulls out her phone.
Starting point is 00:29:36 Wait, Jerry, no. Say that again. I'm going to film it for TikTok. No, it's not. I'm saying, eat your dinner, your chicken, your peas, your potatoes. Go upstairs, brush your teeth, tuck yourselves into bed, and go to sleep. Guys, are you serious? Did you guys hear what our stepdad just said? It's so freaking funny. Jeremy's stepdad did the thing.
Starting point is 00:29:59 Am I right? Honey, I feel like they, I don't know what's going on. I'm giving them orders and they're not doing it. Jer- I gotta be honest, Richa. You're being- you're being a real spoil sport these days.
Starting point is 00:30:16 I'm just trying to be a good daddy! Oh, Jeremy, don't say that. I don't know my role in this family. Am I a brother? Am I a friend? Oh, am I a court jester?
Starting point is 00:30:30 Or my papa? Jeremy, if I may, you're something different to each of us. And I think that's the beauty- I don't like that. No, that's the beauty of being a stepfather. Now look, I don't know all about this stuff. I'm only 17, but the ways I see it.
Starting point is 00:30:49 You know a lot more than you think you do, sport. Well, don't love sport. We'll come back to that. The ways I sees it. To me, you're a brother. To mom. I don't like that either. You're a brother. To mom, you're a husband. To Steffi, you're a jester. And to Jesse, the youngest, you know, one day you might just be a dad.
Starting point is 00:31:20 I'm 15. I'm only two years younger than you. Jesse, I'm just trying to belabor the point. Like, I'm just trying to give the guy a hope. Jessie, you really think that one day I could be daddy? Ugh! I never said that. Cherry. Tim's the one who said that, and it's literally not true.
Starting point is 00:31:34 I take it back. You're saying I could be papa. No, I take it back. Papa bear. No, you're not papa. Daddy long legs. Daddy long- Daddy daycare.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Uh, Cherry. What? I think it'd be better if you slept in the spare room tonight. I agree. I know. I'm out. I'm going. You're acting a little freaky. I know. I'm out. I'm going. You're acting a little freaky.
Starting point is 00:32:06 I know. I'm sorry. That's alright. Before I go, if I could say one more thing. Sure, whatever. Like, speak your mind. Just to end on a laugh. End the night on a high note. Sure. Whatever. How funny is it that these two
Starting point is 00:32:23 girls used Guy Pube razor? whatever. How funny is it that these two girls used used guy pube razor? I'll go to the spare room. It's like it wasn't funny anymore when he said it. Like it was funny like literally right up until the moment he said that and then it was like suddenly it was the least funny thing in the world.
Starting point is 00:32:43 Let's take a break oh I loved that family I really I really came to love that family I really came to love that family we're back by the way
Starting point is 00:33:01 the dynamic the dynamic between Steffi and Jesse and Tim I think what was cool is that neither of us knew ever who was Jesse and who was Steffi, and it kind of was pretty fluid throughout. And I think also what I liked is that the mom of the family sort of veered wildly between Frances McDormand from Fargo and Kermit the Frog. And I think that's beautiful.
Starting point is 00:33:23 Alf, do you want to hit us with another review? I guess I can hit us with another review. This one is from Nay Nay, no last name. Nay Nay... Steele. What happened to you? This is from Nene Steel what kind of
Starting point is 00:33:47 this is for the Gillette Fusion five men's razor blade refills twelve count lubra strip for a more
Starting point is 00:33:56 comfortable shave how many stars one from Nene Steel oh no five five five okay five stars Nene Steel Nene Steel five stars Five, five, five. Okay. Five stars.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Nay Nay Steel. Nay Nay Steel, five stars. Hold on, need to stop the order. I have enough now. Hold on, I need to stop the order. I have enough now. Five stars. It's like I I have enough now. Five stars. It's like I appreciate that they did the five stars.
Starting point is 00:34:32 Kneeling at my window, looking up. Okay. Starlight, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. I wish I wish with all my might. I wish I may. I wish I might. I wish I wish with all my might. I wish, God, I wish I could bear a child. All I want is to be able to have a kid. Please, if there's a fairy or God or some kind of genie, hear me, please. That's all I want. Nothing. Again.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Guess I'll try tomorrow night. She wakes up the next morning. Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah! Whose is this? Let me see. There's no tag. Which I guess a lot of babies come with.
Starting point is 00:35:23 I wouldn't know. This is my first baby. Oh, I guess you must. No, there is something, a note. It says, a little bundle of joy for you, Joy. Oh, my God. The gods or fairies or genie, whoever answered my prayers. Hello, little one. I'm going to name you Paul.
Starting point is 00:35:47 Paul. He's already speaking. Mama. Cut to five years later. Paul's already walking around. Okay, good night, sweetie. I'll see you in the morning. Good night.
Starting point is 00:36:01 Star light, star bright. First star I see Tonight, etc. You know the drill. Paul is amazing. I love him more than life itself, but I wish he had a sibling. Someone to run and play with and joke all day with.
Starting point is 00:36:20 Nothing. I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow. Catch you next morning. It happened! It happened again! That was incredible! Two kids, the perfect amount. Paul, come meet your sister, Victoria.
Starting point is 00:36:43 Hi, Victoria. Next morning. he wakes up. Oh! Oh, my God! No, I'm good. She's okay. A third baby. This is amazing.
Starting point is 00:37:01 Okay, I guess three kids won't be so bad. Mommy, who's this? This is your new Okay, I guess three kids won't be so bad. Mommy, who's this? This is your new sibling, Olive. Olive! Oh my god! Mama, Olive! Oh, amazing! She goes to bed.
Starting point is 00:37:18 You'll never guess what happens the next morning. Cut to ten years later. There's like 87 kids running around starlight star bright for sorry to see you tonight i wish i was i'm cutting to the chase please stop it stop it i can't i can't deal with this anymore this is too many kids for what i'm stop i'm stopping the order stop the order i. I'm done. I'm satisfied. I am financially, emotionally, physically drained. I am done. Genie, whoever's up there, please stop it.
Starting point is 00:37:50 Please stop it. There's a knock on the door. What? What? Yes? Hey there, I'm the genie. Hope you don't mind. I got into your house. Sorry, I...
Starting point is 00:38:04 Wait, before you come in, how do I know you're not some freak from out on the roaming streets? What do you mean you're the genie? I'm big, I'm blue. It's up to you. I don't know what to tell you. Oh my god! You're the genie from Aladdin! Well, you know... I didn't know that that's what you actually
Starting point is 00:38:20 looked like. No, I'm... Okay, let's get one thing straight. The genie from Aladdin is based on me. Obviously, I'm 3 okay, let's get one thing straight. The genie from Aladdin is based on me. Uh, obviously I'm 3,000 years old. Uh. Okay, well, since you're here, what the fuck? Sorry. I feel a little guilty, I'll be honest. What happened? I asked for
Starting point is 00:38:36 one kid, two max. No, so let's get one thing. I have a very, I have an elaborate form that actually tells me what happened. The first thing that happened was you, uh, you said Starlight, Starbright, etc. Can I get a baby? And I brought you Paul, right? You did.
Starting point is 00:38:51 And Paul is the light of my life. I don't like to pick favorites, but he is my favorite. I got that wish. I wrote it down like we do. I brought it back to headquarters. They filled out a form and then baby. Five years later, you do another one. You start like that, right?
Starting point is 00:39:08 You're going to have Victoria. And Victoria, who is just the perfect little angel. And this is where I start to feel a little bit guilty. I made a little bit of a mess up. I ticked the box on the form that says every day. And then I handed it in. And bada bing, bada boom, here we are. I've been giving you a new baby every day Um
Starting point is 00:39:27 I didn't realize that there was a form That was attached to this No well and it's It's weird too because you know you only get three wishes And in a way Well that's what I think So then when you sent me Olive I thought well surely That must be my wish
Starting point is 00:39:44 But in a weird way the the second wish, you know, it only counts... All the babies are under one wish, I guess, is what I'm saying. So I get a third wish, is what you're saying. Unfortunately not. But you just said I get three wishes, and then the second one counted all of the other babies that I have. I know, but before I knocked on the door to come in here and you made a third wish... I didn't but before I knocked on the door to come in here and you made a third wish. I didn't. Did I?
Starting point is 00:40:08 You did. You said, Starlight, Starbright, maybe, remember? We shouldn't have all these kids. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mean all of them. I mean, I love all of them, but no, you're not going to take all of them away?
Starting point is 00:40:23 Unfortunately, you know, it's kind of my job is to be a little bit of a dick. Please, what else can I do? What else can I do? I could do genie community service, but I don't think you'd like that. What does that entail? I mean, listen, can I strike a bargain? Like I said before, I don't like to pick favorites, but I mean, they're all asleep.
Starting point is 00:40:43 I do have favorites. You have favorites? And it's Paul, Victoria, and Olive. It's the first three. I mean, that's handy. Let me see. So can we just do a kind of deal where it's like you take the rest of them? Let me see.
Starting point is 00:40:58 Those three? Flipping through his forms. One of the kids crawling out of bed. Mommy. Neither of the first three. Mommy, what's going on? Oh, this is gonna be awkward. Chrisanne, go back to bed, honey. Go back to bed. Who's this
Starting point is 00:41:11 guy? I'll take care of this. Snap this finger, she dies. There you go. She's taking care. What? What are you doing? No, I just thought you meant like you'd take care of it like, poof, they'd be gone. No, I don't want all of my kids to be dead in the house. What is wrong with you? Joy, I don't want to quib'd take care of it like, poof, they'd be gone. I don't want all my kids to be dead in the house. What is wrong with you?
Starting point is 00:41:27 I mean, look, Joy, I don't want to quibble here, but it's the same difference. It's not the same difference. I thought they'd go back like their souls would go up to the stars or something like that with you. The souls would go... I mean, God, wouldn't that be nice? But no, you're wishing your children into non-existence. It's essentially I'm killing your family. I mean, look, I could...
Starting point is 00:41:44 The kids come out, Mom, who is that? No, go back to bed, go back to bed, go back to bed. Joy, I'm getting mixed signals here. I don't know what
Starting point is 00:41:50 you were expecting me to do. Well, now that I know you're going to be killing, killing, what? Who's killing what? Go back to bed. Now that I know
Starting point is 00:41:57 that that's what's happening. No, I got it, I got it. I'll do this one. This one will make you more comfortable. Staffers figures, they just disappear. Oh.
Starting point is 00:42:03 Yeah. Okay. That's a little better. They just disappear. Oh. Yeah. Okay. That's a little better. No, it's not. You see how they're functionally the same? You see how really, like, it's more pleasant
Starting point is 00:42:12 for you because the body's not here, but functionally, they're still dead. They've ceased to exist. They're dead. Jeannie, do you think I'm bad?
Starting point is 00:42:20 Yes. Why? Because you could have wished, you know, you could have been more specific. You could have said, I wish these children were in other loving, happy homes. Oh, then let's do that. Let's do that one.
Starting point is 00:42:31 Can we change it? Too late. No. That, I wish, I, how about, how about what if one of my kids wishes? Then would that count as theirs? Uh, yeah, yeah. I could do that. Paul.
Starting point is 00:42:46 Paul, honey, come here Yeah, I'm like 15 I know, Paul, I need you to I just want to make sure everyone knows It's been 10 years, I'm like 15 now A very special wish for your mom right now Okay, I wish I had a million dollars No, Paul, god damn it Can't do, buddy
Starting point is 00:43:00 Anything else? No, no, Paul, listen to me right now Paul yeah I guess I wish I was the coolest kid in school no and do fucking you look has fly as hell in your new baseball cap anything else yeah I got one more covers your mouth Paul I need you to listen to me very carefully. You know how you have 287 siblings? Nods. We can make that not be the case anymore. We can send them to loving, wonderful homes with people who really would treat them so well. All you need to do, not that I haven't been treating them well,
Starting point is 00:43:38 I've been doing great. It's just a lot of work for just me. I don't know, Joy, that was suspect. That was very, very revealing. Too many for me. I don't know, Joy. That was suspect. That was very, very revealing. It's too many for me. All you need to do is to have your final wish be that all of your siblings,
Starting point is 00:43:53 except for you, Victoria, and Olive, go to loving, wonderful homes. Can you do that for me? Uh-huh. Sorry, I forgot I'm 15. My voice is still breaking. I trust I forgot I'm 15. Okay. My voice is still breaking.
Starting point is 00:44:06 All right. I trust you. I take my hand away. I wish me and all my siblings were in loving homes, not here. No!
Starting point is 00:44:19 No! Can't do, King. Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing, ba-da-ba-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-day! There we go. they're all... Shame that those two had to die, though, huh?
Starting point is 00:44:30 Well. How you feeling, Joy? You alright? You look a little... You look a little green. I'm not alright, you just took my entire family away from me. And I should know, I'm blue! Sorry, yeah, I did do that. So I guess I don't get any wishes now for the rest of my life.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a three and done. Okay, sorry. I thought you were going to be like, oh, well, there is a loophole. Well, there is a loophole. Well, what is it then? God damn it. What is it? Let me see if I can use forms. No, sorry. a loophole. Well, what is it, then? God damn it. What is it? Uh, let me see if I can do this for him. No, sorry, the loophole doesn't work for you. Well, what is it? Maybe I can try. No, well, the loophole is, the loophole is you give me your soul,
Starting point is 00:45:14 I give you another three. Are you the devil? Sorry? Are you the devil? Uh, I mean, I go by a lot of names. Okay. I didn't know the devil? Oh, I mean, I go by a lot of names. Okay. I didn't know the devil does wishes. The first one pro bono.
Starting point is 00:45:32 Yeah. Those are the first three. First one's free. First three are free. Come on. It's kind of a deal. Yeah. I mean, take my soul, I guess.
Starting point is 00:45:41 No, I said it doesn't loophole. Does it work for you? Why doesn't it work for me? You don't have a soul. Got it. Ba-dum-psh! Thank you, thank you. Have a V-Hall night, ladies and gentlemen.
Starting point is 00:45:52 Ladies and gentlemen. I don't get no respect. Do we have time for one more? Yeah, mama. Soleil. Oh, my God. That's so stupid. How about you read one?
Starting point is 00:46:06 Sure. This one. So this comes from the question and answer section of Amazon. So it's not per se a review, but it counts. I'm going to count it. Wait, wait, wait. What is it for? This is for those same razors.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Okay. for this is for those uh those same razors okay i want to surprise my man by shaving his balls for should i go disposable so he doesn't use the same razor on his face that i use on his balls and then community member kevin, of course you should. Basic hygiene. And I'm just terrified by the premise of the fact that she's going to shave his balls until he's asleep. Right, right. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:46:57 Yeah. Because there's no other way to surprise somebody by shaving their ball. But you don't think that the surprise is like, oh, I'm getting this razor to tell him to be like hey if you want like a cool fun thing we could do is i could shave your balls you think she's so that wasn't where your mind went you thought i'm gonna surprise him by he wakes up his balls are shaved let's go back to the text i want to surprise by my man by shaving his balls for him like that's like i'm gonna surprise my man by washing his car for him and then you oh wow babe you washed my car oh what you shaved my balls when did this happen wakes up that's exactly what he says what honey what what time is it?
Starting point is 00:47:48 Somebody shaved my balls. What? Richard, what? Cheeky smile. That's crazy. What? Lauren, do you think I'm sick? There's hair all over the bed. My ball hair. All of my ball hair came out. I wonder if that was a sneaky little elf
Starting point is 00:48:07 might have shaved your balls in the night. A sneaky... Lauren, what are you talking... I'm gonna call Dr. Harpo. I'm nervous. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think... No, I'm serious.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. This could be related to some of the, like, hormonal stuff that I've been having. I'm gonna call him. I promise you're fine. I'm gonna call him. No, my God. No, please don't.
Starting point is 00:48:23 Hey, Dr. Harpo? Hello. How are you doing, man? What can I do? I mean, God, it's early. I know. I'm going to call him. No, my God. No, please don't. Hey, Dr. Harpo. Hello. How are you doing, man? What can I do? I mean, God, it's early. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to call you.
Starting point is 00:48:30 I'm sorry to call you this early, but I'm just kind of freaked out right now. I'm here with Lauren. I just woke up, and I guess overnight all my ball hair fell out. Just my ball hair. Just my ball hair. Lauren, shh. I'm on hair. Just my ball hair. Large. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone.
Starting point is 00:48:46 That's a really, you know what? Not going to lie with your medical history and the hormones that you've been dealing with. I think you should come into the office. That's what I was worried about. That's what I was worried about. I think he's fine, doctor.
Starting point is 00:48:55 I think he's fine. I think he's fine. Lauren, no offense, but you're not a doctor. And I know that with your, all of your ball hair falling out overnight, that is a very serious. It can't be right.
Starting point is 00:49:04 Right. Okay. I'm going to come in. I'm going to come in. No. Oh a very serious medication. It can't be right, right? Okay, I'm going to come in. It cannot be right. No, oh my God. Can I come too for support? Please, please. Of course, babe. In the room waiting for the doctor to come in.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Hang on. Hang on. Sorry. I just need to call. I need to call work. I need to tell them I can't come in today. No, no, no, honey, honey, honey, please. No, this is not a big deal.
Starting point is 00:49:24 No, babe, I need to call. The doctor's going to come in any minute. I don't know how long we're going to call work. I need to tell him I can't come in today. No, no, no, honey, honey, honey, please. No, this is not a big deal. No, babe, I need to call. Like, the doctor's going to come in any minute. I don't know how long we're going to be here. I just need to, I'm just going to call and tell him I can't come in. And that way, if it's no big deal, I get a free day off. Like, I just, I'm going to tell him I can't come in. Oh, okay. Hey, Michael.
Starting point is 00:49:39 Steve, how the hell are you? Oh, I've been better, man. I've been better. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, I'm having a little bit of a health scare. So I'm at the you? Oh, I've been better, man. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, I'm having a little bit of a health scare, so I'm at the hospital. Oh, shit. That sucks, man. Take all the time you need.
Starting point is 00:49:52 I know. Well, and you know some of the stuff. I've been having these issues, and so we figure better to get... Lauren's here with me. We're just figuring better to get it checked out than to let it sit. Oh, of course. Well, Lauren's a great, great partner. You're really lucky to have her.
Starting point is 00:50:05 Shit, hey. My God, I wish my Susie was like Lauren. I'll tell you what. All right, man. I think your wife's great, but I'm going to go. I got to, I think the doctor's coming in. Wait, wait, before he comes in, honey. That was weird, right?
Starting point is 00:50:17 The way he just like talked about his wife. No, that was very strange. Honey, what if, are you, are we sure that this was something actually wrong and not a bunch of, it's cute. What if, what if it was something really cute that happened, like a fun surprise by a cheeky little elf? What are you talking about? Doctor comes in. All right, well, thank God you're in here.
Starting point is 00:50:35 Oh, hi, Lauren. Hey, Doc. I really think that this is not necessary. If I could just voice my opinion. Lauren, honey, don't call me honey. That's really demeaning. I understand where you're coming from, but this is very, very serious stuff we've got going on here. Lauren, sweetie, just let's...
Starting point is 00:50:53 I know you're scared. I'm scared, too. We're just going to do a couple tests, and we're going to figure it out. Right, Doc? Yeah, well, first and foremost, can I see the, you know... See the boys? Yep. See the boys? Yep. See the boys?
Starting point is 00:51:05 Yep. Sorry, Lauren, that you have to be here for this. Huh. Pretty much as described, no? Pretty much. Almost everything is off, except there seems to be a hidden message written at the base. I guess you might not have been able to see it. At the base?
Starting point is 00:51:30 At the base, yeah. Like the base of my balls? Like round by my ass? Or the base of my cock? No. Because I think I would see it if- Lauren, how would you know? I could imagine it's by the ass.
Starting point is 00:51:43 Because I could see it if it was by my cock, so it must be by my ass. Stop calling. You could just say penis. Sorry. I know. It just sounds so clinical. Well, we're in a clinic. Right, right.
Starting point is 00:51:56 My penis. It says, wow, my God, this is tiny writing. This is incredible. He, he, he. Not that tiny. No, I meant the writing. Sorry, this is weird writing. It's incredible. Hee hee hee. Not that tiny. No, I meant the writing. Sorry, this is weird. I've been secure.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Hee hee hee. I've come for me lucky charms. If you don't hand them over, something else will be harmed. What the fuck? That's so crazy. Jesus Christ. I don't think this is a medical emergency.
Starting point is 00:52:26 I think you should call the police. Right. That's. Wow. I'm really scared right now, dog. Is this something that you did as a prank? This is a weird prank to pull over on me. No, doc.
Starting point is 00:52:38 Doc, seriously. I wouldn't. You know I take my health seriously. I take what you do seriously. Whatever. Whoever did this. Whatever freak pervert broke into our house and did this is gonna
Starting point is 00:52:49 I mean if I can sue if I can get the death penalty I would like seriously this is fucking weird no what if it was a cheeky little leprechaun what if for St. Paddy's Day it was like a I'm sorry we wasted your time doc Lauren let's go
Starting point is 00:53:06 In the car Lauren? Yeah? I'm gonna ask you something Okay And I won't be mad But I need to ask Okay
Starting point is 00:53:20 Do you know Who shaved my balls? I have an idea of what might have shaved your balls. Maybe a little leprechaun man. Came in the night on St. Paddy's Eve and left a little message for you. You know, it's just like how, uh-oh, her coffee was green this morning, and the water in the toilet was green, and there was all little message for you. You know, it's just like how, uh-oh, her coffee was green this morning. And the water in the toilet was green. And there was all little pranks around.
Starting point is 00:53:49 That was you? I thought I was pissing green, Lauren. You scared the shit out of me. I never said it was me. I said it was a lover. Lauren! Lauren! What the fuck?
Starting point is 00:54:05 Are you mad? How would I have known it was a special message? You did it, like, down by my asshole. I couldn't see that even if I tried. How was I ever supposed to read that? But aren't you impressed that the leprechaun, definitely not me, that the leprechaun managed to get that much writing done? I'm worried that I slept through that.
Starting point is 00:54:24 I'm really worried that I slept through that. That is not okay. That's not normal. I shouldn't be able to sleep through someone shaving a message into my taint. Maybe it was just the look of the Irish. I know on your grandma's side, you have like a couple of percent of them
Starting point is 00:54:41 from Cork or something, right? Yeah, I think so. She did 23 and me. I don't know if that's accurate. Lauren, I don't know what we're gonna do. What about the leprechaun? I guess we better find it!
Starting point is 00:55:04 What did you think was gonna happen? I guess we better find it! What did you think was gonna happen? Can I be honest about something? Please. I'd love to know what you were thinking. I shaved the message in dear taint. I know. How could you have known?
Starting point is 00:55:23 But why? But why? I didn't ever think that. Not for a second. Because I have been having such a hard time at work lately and your boss is always hitting on me and I thought, what if I gave him a
Starting point is 00:55:39 surprise for St. Paddy's Day? My boss is always hitting. You know, like on the phone, he was like, oh, I wish my wife was like Lauren. I think that's more about how much he hates his wife. I really don't think that was about you. So you've been having a fine time at work? I mean, frankly, my health stuff is what's probably the most concerning thing in my life.
Starting point is 00:56:05 Well, then I thought you could get a laugh. I thought you'd be like, oh, Lauren, this is so thoughtful. Why didn't you say anything? Your penmanship skills with a razor on my ass are impeccable. Let me go to the fucking doctor and make a fool of myself. I tried, and you wouldn't let me. No, I wouldn't. No, don't act like you couldn't have said it.
Starting point is 00:56:22 Sure, I was in a panic. I was in a rush. But if you'd really wanted to, you could have said it any time. Stop, stop, stop. I did it. I wanted to keep the magic alive. Sorry. Oh, sorry.
Starting point is 00:56:32 Sorry for wanting to keep a little bit of magic alive in this relationship. I'm sorry. You're right. I've been... I've been slacking. I have been busy at work. And I've been slacking. I have been busy at work. And I've been busy with my health stuff. And I haven't been making time for you like I should.
Starting point is 00:56:55 And I'm sorry. And you know what? Your thyroid issues are really getting in the way of our relationship. You're right. I'm glad you're apologizing and taking accountability for that. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:57:06 Catch you the next morning. I'm sorry. Thank you. Catch you next morning. She wakes up. No way. What? Oh, whoa, babe, what's wrong? No way. There is a... My pubes are gone. My pubes are gone. My pubes are gone, and I think there's a tiny message. Looks like there's a tiny message on your pubic mound.
Starting point is 00:57:22 What does it say? I can't fully read it. It's upside down. Uh, let me get a mirror. Hang on. Read it to me. Tee hee hee. Looks like ye were me next victim. Hopefully you two can find
Starting point is 00:57:42 the pot of gold. There's not that much real estate down there. The pot of gold I hid for you somewhere on her body. What the f- Babe, I didn't write that. You didn't? No, what? You sure?
Starting point is 00:58:04 Yeah, I'm just fucking with you of course I wrote that okay I love you I love you should we get to our next segment our next sec how about we do our last This should be all week long. Go, go, go. What's been shaking your ass? I don't know, man. I got nothing.
Starting point is 00:58:37 I went through my list. No, I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Starting point is 00:58:41 I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. What's been shaking me this week is my car leaks when it rains and I'm pissed about it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. What's been shaking me this week is my car leaks when it rains and I'm pissed about it. We've been over this. Did I already talk about this?
Starting point is 00:58:51 Yeah. You sure I didn't just tell you on the phone one time? One episode. Say the episode. I don't remember the app, but I know that we've talked about it. Okay. Leave a, leave a comment down below and don't forget to like and subscribe. Hit that smash that subscribe button.
Starting point is 00:59:03 If I've already talked about this. Comment down below I was channeling sort of YouTube creator no I got it oh didn't seem like you did because you didn't bust up laughing your sides didn't split open spew your guts everywhere
Starting point is 00:59:19 you know what shook me I'm gonna get DoorDash tonight You know what shook me? Hmm. I'm going to get DoorDash tonight. That's the saddest fucking thing. It's so fucking grim. I'm going to order dinner. That's what shook me, is I'm going to order dinner. The craziest thing that's happened to me all week is I'm going to order in.
Starting point is 00:59:48 Crazy. I'm probably going to get a little bit of a pad see you from a local Thai spa. I'm so crazy. I can think of a better one. I can think of a better one. I have one. Okay, you go and I'll think of a better one. What's shaking me is by the time we have recorded this,
Starting point is 01:00:04 I will have seen the film Rocketman four times in the better part of a month. Stop. Because I watched it like a couple weeks ago. At the time of recording, I watched it a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen it in years. I'm like, oh, it's so good. I love it. I know that I've probably had a wet chick made about it.
Starting point is 01:00:18 Then I watched it. I showed it to a friend because she's like, oh, I haven't. We were talking about it. She's like, I haven't seen it. And I'm like, do you want to watch it? And she's like, yes, we watched it then. That was a week apart. Maybe even a couple't, we were talking about it. She's like, I haven't seen it. And I'm like, do you want to watch it? And she's like, yes, we watched it then. That was a week apart. Maybe even a couple days apart from when I saw it.
Starting point is 01:00:27 Okay. And then a couple, Elizabeth Valenti, Irene Walton, and then our friend Annie have all said, oh, well, we haven't seen it. We'd love to see it. And so I'm like, oh, great. Let's do, like, we can do like a movie night. And that can be the movie. So I offered Friday and Saturday this weekend at the time of recording. And Elizabeth can only do Friday.
Starting point is 01:00:47 And Irene and Annie can only do Saturday. And I'm. I'm going to be away. For a little bit for work. And so this is the only weekend I can do. So ultimately now. I will be watching Rocketman. No.
Starting point is 01:01:03 Not even 24 hours apart from each other. That's too many times. I'll be seeing Rocketman. No. Not even 24 hours apart from each other. That's too many times. I'll be seeing Rocketman twice in less than 24 hours. So I guess it's just what's been shaking me is the 2019 vehicle Rocketman with Darren Edgerton. That's wild. And how often I've seen that movie now. I've never seen it. I've still never seen it it and i'm a big elton head you should watch it only if you're gonna rewatch it with you yeah i was just like what's one more um yeah i mean i
Starting point is 01:01:35 couldn't think of anything man i really just you're gonna order doordash i'm gonna order i The Mask. Have I talked about this? I re-watched The Mask. The 1994? Maybe. Jim Carrey vehicle, The Mask. I fucking loved that movie when I was a kid. I was obsessed with The Mask. When he comes in and he hits him with that, somebody stop me. Smoke it.
Starting point is 01:02:04 We all know these lines. Can I share a really embarrassing story before we sign out? I only would ever want you to do that. I went to, because I too was obsessed with The Mask when I was a kid. I feel like you have to be a certain type of person
Starting point is 01:02:15 to be obsessed with the film The Mask as a child. Yeah, and the answer is fucking dork. Weird dork. Yes. So I was obsessed with The Mask and I went to a friend's birthday party. And there was someone, there was like, we had face painting there.
Starting point is 01:02:30 And so everyone was getting certain phrases or like butterflies. I'm a tiger. Tiger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, can you do phrases? And I must have been like, I've never told this story anywhere ever. I must have been like I've never told this story anywhere ever I must have been like nine
Starting point is 01:02:47 and I was like can you do letters and she's like sure and so I said stop stop stop stop I'm gonna pee myself on the side of your mouth like the joker scars on my cheek
Starting point is 01:03:04 I got smoking. And I asked if she could make the letters smoke. And like, like it was like speeding down my face. So I, everyone else had like cute little designs. And I had smoking. And of course no one else got the reference. I don't think I would have got the reference as a child that was obsessed with
Starting point is 01:03:29 I would have been like oh you like you like cigarettes like is that what that is oh you're a big I thought you were going to say that you were going to ask for just like green like thick no because that would have been too normal that would have been what you think what I would do, but I got smokin'
Starting point is 01:03:46 with like multiple S's. You want to joker-fide. Smokin'. Why so smokin'? That's so fucked. Is there a picture? Please tell me there's a picture somewhere. No, there isn't. Fuck! I'm pissed. You can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInnet. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview.
Starting point is 01:04:04 Reddit r slash reviewreview. And the reviewreview discord. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, the web browser only. If you try and look at it on your phone, it'll just show you pictures of the mask. At Riley and Spine. You can find her on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts. And let's be honest, by the time this comes out in June, that's probably going to be 48 hours. At Riley Coyote.
Starting point is 01:04:29 And as we say, every single week on the show. Every single time. Smoking! Smoking! Bye! I don't know much about it, but I can tell you this. I was born with just one cheek. I was cleaved apart by an ex. Oh, no one knows what you're hiding underneath your capri pants.
Starting point is 01:05:22 So if you want us to respect you You better post it on Twitter like a man Now come on everybody Let's really make them feel harassed Each send in twenty themes Songs of badass Yes

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