Review Revue - Great Wolf Lodge

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Alf and Reilly are back and are staying at the stinkiest indoor waterpark in town! >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. Thank you. That was really...

It put me... in the mood it made me ill at ease i don't it made me feel ill at ease did it really yes i found calming from it well that i think really speaks to my fragile mental state that was from fancy octopus and he said y'all said the lizard theme was scary so this one should be less scary i don't know if i remember that the title is not scary theme but actually the theme of the track is rr theme angels i wonder if that's like biblically accurate angels singing a Rivi Rivi theme song. It was kind of like, it was like 2001 soundtrack vibes, you know, the score vibes. Like, ba, ba. Yeah. Ba, ba, boo, ba, ba.

I think we need to, first of all, Fancy, thank you so much for sending that. Thank you. That was a good one. Guys, we need more themes. You took the original, give us something original, and you said, sure, I'd send something that no one else will send. I'm going to give you biblically accurate angels.

I said So please send more. We love them so much. And we do desperately need them so thank you. Let's cut right into it. Alf what is new with you my darling? I already know but I think you should tell our dear vodkats. Oh my darling what if you

slay? I have been. What if you flop? I have been, and squeamish listeners, sensitive listeners, tune out now. I have been shitting and throwing up. The baton has been passed. For 48 hours straight. And off is the anchor. It has been like my, and just gets still sneak peek for the topic.

My body is a water slide, which is my favorite. John. A body is a water slide. Alf, I had E. coli weeks ago. I don't have it anymore. Because you gave it to me. Yes. I am so sorry.

Do you feel comfortable sharing the story that you told me the other day? Yeah, okay, sure. I'll tell the story I told you. Guys, if you feel weird about bodily stuff, try skipping ahead a couple minutes. Just like a little warning for that. I will say it's also one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard in my life. It's not that funny, okay? It's funny to you because you're a sadist.

Yes. So i was driving around i was driving to work and all of a sudden i was struck ill and i vomited ultimately while driving that's the most important was kind of an unpleasant experience um and i was sort of coming to a light but as i was vomiting and i was sort of like my legs were kind of sp unpleasant experience um and i was sort of coming to a light but as i was vomiting and i was sort of like my legs were kind of spasming and i was like hitting the brake and the accelerator alternating and i threw up i was trying to throw up out the window but i lurched forward and the seat belt locked and so i was just it was just it was heinous it was going everywhere it's horrible it was going everywhere i was covered in. It was going everywhere. It's horrible. It was going everywhere.

I was covered in vomit. And then I had to drive like 40 minutes back to my house. It was a heinous, heinous experience. I was using like the three wet wipes that I had in the car to try and deal. So you had to drive home covered in vomit. Covered. Covered. And then he gets home, doesn't he?

And he has explosive diarrhea. And what does he discover? But that the water has been shut off inside his building. So he cannot shower. He cannot even flush the toilet. He cannot even wash his hands. What did you do well luckily i had a half a bottle of water that i was able to use to um wash my hands and i had some like lysol wipes and like wet wipes around the house with which i was able to

sort of clean myself up and then i just kind of had to clean yourself with lysol yes what else was i supposed to do i was covered in vomit i was covered in vomit and spa it was horrible yourself with bleach yes just rubbing it my beard is like completely blonde now oh my god yeah it was heinous and then i had to wait like two hours just sort of sitting in my own filth for the shower to come back on and I could fucking fully kind of bleach myself in there. To sit in that, that is so atrocious. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

And all I've had to eat in the last 48 hours is two sleeves of saltines and a bagel. Most of which I threw up at different points so I feel dehydrated and awful so if this episode isn't what you wanted you can

fuck yourselves oh do you think it's something you ate I mean I don't think it's something I smelled nice I don't know man I do think it's I did eat ultimately and I don't i'm afraid to say what i ate that i think might have caused it because i don't i don't want to be victim blamed it was chipotle well it was chipotle and famously i had chipotle right before i had the worst of my

and when you had e coli i said did you have chipotle lettuce you know that chipotle lettuce is tainted you can't eat that they always have e coli? You know that chipotle lettuce is tainted. You can't eat that. They always have E. coli. Now, I didn't get the lettuce. I never get the lettuce because the lettuce has E. coli. Turns out maybe the other stuff also has sickness in it. Maybe it's not isolated to the lettuce. Turns out it's also maybe more than one thing.

Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. But it was worth it. What's new with me? Yeah. Tomorrow, I'm going to Universal Studios Hollywood. Okay. I'm very excited. Daniel and I.

What's that? Indiana. Indiana. That's like Sean Connery, who's Indiana Jones' dad. Because there's an Indiana Jones right there no it's at Disneyland my love oh is it really yes why did I think the Indiana Jones one was at Universal because the mummy one is at Universal I'm going to Universal with Daniel Rashid Elizabeth Valent Valenti, and Jaylee. Because we, all of our friends,

we play Mario Kart together all the time, famously. We love it. And we have not, I haven't been to Universal since I was like 16. I couldn't tell you the last, Jay hasn't been to a theme park since he was a kid. And I don't know the last time Jay was at one. But Elizabeth and I went to Disneyland last year.

Disneyland was the first post-pandy one. Elizabeth and I went last summer to disney um but we all play mario kart so much and we're like oh with that world opening so it's it's jay's birthday present that daniel and i are treating him to universal so us four are gonna go i love that jaylee is one of our dear dear friends and um we're very excited and Elizabeth and I spent all day yesterday like essentially producing the day because Jay, Elizabeth and I can get there on the earlier side of the day. Daniel can't

come until like an hour after we are there, like an hour and a half and so E and I are like, okay what are the things we want to do together? We all want to do Super Mario World together we all want to do Super Nintendo World we. We all want to do Super Nintendo World. We all want to do the Harry Potter stuff together. And so what other than that,

we're like trying to plan the day and food and everything. And we sent a list. We have a list. We have a priority list. We know what time, like the last tram tour is at 6.15. How can we work around that to make sure that we get it? Oh my God.

So we fully produced our day out. We're very, very excited. Sounds miserable. I have not been there. No, you have to have a plan. No, have to have no i know i know i'm you have to have a plan and thankfully it's gonna be like cloudy tomorrow oh good chilly which is great because when ian i went to disneyland last fucking august it was so it was only in fucking southern california could a person utter the phrase thankfully it's gonna's going to be cloudy tomorrow. I mean, listen, going to a theme park, any kind of park in the heat, awful. You know what I went to Universal Studios was?

It was like June and it was 120 degrees and I had to be dipping my whole body in sun cream. Sun cream? Sun cream, my darling. He's got a sun cream of his own. Wait, can I go back like like five minutes because there was a joke i was gonna say okay so like remember i said the indiana jones yeah and i was like i don't know why i thought that was at universal yes and then what did you say i said it's because the mummy is at universal yeah you're probably getting that confused your mummy's my favorite ride as well come on disgusting come on it's too far gone get in stop the lights stop the lights um i'm very excited i will say i do i am not going to ride jurassic world why's that because it's gonna be a little chilly tomorrow and the idea of being

soaking fucking wet um for most of the day is not appealing to me. Having wet socks, wet shoes. If it was really hot, I would be on that ride like 10 times. But it's not going to be hot tomorrow. And I don't want to be cold and wet. Do you like Splash Mountain? Yes. Do you like water rides in general?

Yeah, I do. I just I need to like bring appropriate clothes or like a change of clothes or something second reason though for why i'm not gonna write it it's scary is it really for you yes i've had many nightmares since i was a child of having to like a nightmare of a situation where i'd have to swim through the ride that's fascinating but imagine doing that how fucking terrifying would that well i just swim to the edge and i wouldn't go through the whole ride i'm not an idiot but you have to well but why but i'm mad how fucking when i went to universal studios last time i went with a friend of mine um who congratulations thank

you he made a friend who is um deathly afraid of animatronics like truly horrified of animatronics. Like truly horrified of animatronics. Loves theme parks though. Kind of interesting. Well, I can understand that. No spoilers, but there is an animatronic dementor on one of the rides. Alfie, you forget that

one of my personality traits is that I watch ride throughs of things before I do it. And the way he screamed, I was like, he's going to have some sort of cardiac event. Like he was so and I

really elevated. If you're talking about the forbidden journey Harry Potter and the forbidden journey. Oh my god it really elevated my experience though to have someone be that scared next to me. I'm gonna ride the ride I will have my eyes closed the whole time because I'm a weenie baby. But Riley Yes. Speaking of rides. Speaking of water rides. Speaking of

water rides. Speaking of getting wet. Speaking of water slides Speaking of accommodation rides. Speaking of water rides. Speaking of water slides. Speaking of accommodation in a world of wet. Speaking of accommodation in a world of wet. We're talking Great Wolf Lodge. All right, now stop, set an intention okay and listen stop set an intention and listen i just backed with a whole new wet my intention is for this to be the most even keeled episode because i don't want you vomiting on your keyboard

even keeled yes no sick no sick even keeled sick yeah i love that i love that what about you well we're resetting separate intentions i'm saying like it would you have said something different i think i probably would have said let's have this be the rockiest rolliest absolutely tumbly so if you guys are wondering oh didn't they do a water parks episode yes fuck off we have done a water parks episode but this is Fuck off. We have done a water parks episode, but this is different. It was four years ago. Well, first of all, it's water parks in general was that episode. This one is different because it is a hotel indoor.

You stay and you play. Great Wolf Lodge is a hotel that also has a giant indoor water park. And they're a chain. I have not been to a Great Wolf Lodge. But with the amount of advertisements that those fuckers do, I feel like I have. I have seen so many ads for Great Wolf Lodge. They have them out there on the West Coast? Yes, they do.

I have seen at the i think the ad that keeps coming to mind is like there is mom and dad and brother and sister and they're each going about different parts of their day like mom and dad are both at work kids are at school you know boy is at football practice girl is in band practice and giant wolves oh pick each of them up from their respective locations and then start running down the street together with each family member on one of their backs

and then they end up at Great Wolf Lodge and then the big if there's one thing we know about wolves but they love water they're obsessed with when I think of aquatic And then the big, if there's one thing we know about wolves, fuck, they love water. Fuck, they're obsessed with water. When I think of aquatic mammal, first thing that comes to mind for me, wolf. Alf, what do you think about Great Wolf Lodge?

The stinky, matted fur of a feral beast in a pool. Don't talk about me like that. I've never been to a Great Wolf Lodge. I don't know if the idea of it would have ever appealed to me but it certainly doesn't now correct i cannot think of water parks as anything other than a breeding ground for giardia exactly sort of civilization scale petri dishes like just disgusting and then an indoor one yes none the where you don't have the sun sort of at least kind of like drying the floor and like it just imagine the slippery slimy floor and the like oh i just mildew oh oh the smell of it i want to throw up oh no i'm

kidding i'm kidding um but i but i might but maybe and like i've never it's like i've never been like oh oh i had a good day at the water park if only i only had to walk 10 feet to my bed like i don't really see the appeal of it being a one-stop shop like that like go to a water park that's fine but stay somewhere nice that's not in the water park. Yeah, I can't imagine that they have a different smell in the room. Like when everyone is wet. Yes. And all the clothes are wet.

It's all through the vents. Carpet. You know it's carpet, right? You know the rooms are carpet. You know it's carpet. The hallways are carpet. The elevators are carpet. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the biggest biggest just from like a water park and like this thing specifically is um it's the indoors of it all so now i actually uh i have a uh a source let's call him daniel rashid who has stayed at a great wolf lodge before okay when he was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 12 okay he loved it now that had the best time as a child and i know you're probably wondering well why isn't he here to tell us that himself he couldn't be on the episode today not that he was even planned to be but he's busy so um okay but he loved it and he was like I didn't realize that it's a chain.

Like I thought it was just the one in. He went to one in Wisconsin. Yeah, that's probably the one. And I'm like, but it's indoors. And he's like, yeah, it's indoors because it's in fucking Wisconsin. And so the pull of that was that you can go year round. So there's, I think the appeal of an indoor water park is that for kiddos, it doesn't matter what time of year they can always

go and you'd think as someone that lived in the midwest that would appeal like i would have understood that like that would have occurred to me but it didn't um but i i still i'm just like water park is summertime like you're not supposed to do that in winter water water park is summertime you're not like if you want to do that in in winter you live in a hot place i don't know just seems unnatural man have you ever like it's just it does feel it does feel um it does feel like it comes at the theming of like Great Wolf Lodge from what I can see is like cabin. Right. Wolves.

Right. Like I'm really curious about what, because that feels like winter cabin warm up by the fire with your wolf that does not feel akin to water park vibes no it's it's honestly the whole thing is very like cruise ship adjacent which i think is part of speak on that well i think you know as someone who's currently suffering from some sort of foodborne illness, I can't help but be terrified of cruise ships. And I just, the idea, I mean, I'm afraid of boats. Oh, I didn't know that about you. Yeah, I don't like boats. Afraid of the actual vessel or of being on water? No, sometimes when I like walk down by the lake in Chicago and I see a boat, I like piss and shit a little. No, of being on the water. Okay. I do get seasick quite

easily so i can't really do small boats and big boats make me nervous because um titanic and um titanic shut the fuck up ever hear of a little boat called the litho lith fucking hell lusitania that's what i was trying to say but look at the lithuania but i literally almost said lithuania twice um but yeah i think water park like i don't know i don't know it just seems like one of those places that is like when i was a kid there was a place like an arcade called planet fun what's the name of that planet fun I have no idea if it was a chain or a one alone, but it was like, you know, half a dozen arcade machines, a ball pit,

and like, you know, real kind of budget operation. Was it a place you could stay? No, no, no. It was literally just like a store, you know, tiny place. But I was fucking obsessed with it. I thought it was the coolest.

I was like, if I could live at Planet Fun, I would. And then like, hearing about it, like my parents talk about it as an adult. thought it was the coolest i was like if i could live at planet fun i i and then like yeah hearing about it like my parents talk about it as an adult it's like they were like oh no like the place like stinked of like cigarette smoke it was dingy and dark sorry it stanked of cigarette smoke the ball pit you know was greasy like yeah all the fucking stoner teenagers who worked there were like

poisoning the children you know and like i just think there are certain things like water parks and like the great wolves lodge specifically that are like those are just as a kid those are just for kids yes like those are experiences that are reserved for children to adore and adults to despise and hate their lives which i think was little's are having which was reflected in the um reviews reviews and i think like yeah that's the thing of like disneyland even and like there are other places that i think are like blissful ecstasy for children that are like okay for adults like you could have a good time as an adult with children at disneyland i do not believe that you can have a good time as an adult

with children at the great wolf lodge i really don't and if you did sound off in the comments sound off in the comments if you are a childless adult who went to great wolf lodge sound off comments right um really quick i had that same experience when i would visit like when i was a kid visiting family in ireland with my mom there was a play center called leisure land that is the most fucking irish shit i ever heard and i'd go to leisure land with my cousins and i thought it was heaven on earth. And then I'd look back at photos as an adult. And I thought, Jesus. Pretty grim.

It's like a cinder block with like a hat on it. And you're like, this is the mascot. It was a cat. It was like the Cheshire cat. Oh, haunted. It's literally like when I was a kid. I mean, and this is truly going to be eight months out of date now, this reference. But, like, when I was a kid, the, like, Glasgow Wonka experience, I would have had a blast.

Oh, my God, of course. I would have loved it there. You're also demented. That's true. I was a very strange child and an even stranger adult. Let's take a break, and then we'll get into Great Wolf Lodge reviews. How about that? How does that sound?

Get into it. Do you need to vomit or shit? No, but I do need to. And we're back. Do you want to start us off? No, I want you to start too bad so sad you broke your clavicle by

vomiting so hard against your seatbelt hey sorry I know we said we would stop that stuff but I think that might just be a continuous one for this I never said anything about that here we go these all my reviews are going to be for Great Wolf Lodge

in Anaheim, California, if you even care. This is two stars from Amy L. Amy Lys Lys Lys

Amy Lys I feel terrible. Got it. Two stars from amy lyst the title is downhill over the years so came to this location the year they opened and was the best bang for your buck so fun this is my seventh and last stay staff terribly unhappy no one smiles yelled at two times at pool scolded for things like walking into wave pool area with drink allowed by the way and was told you can't take that in the pool yes loud and exasperated employee no i'm just a spectator at which point the employee walked away 4 p.m check-in meant 4 45 p.m no apologies and no eta 4 p.m and your room is not ready we'll let you know when it is place packed and the room i've

stayed for years now has very squeaky squeaky outdated mattress lights and bathroom out curtains damaged for price paying keep rooms up to date. Someone's making lots of money to draw us in, but I can see not trickling down to staff. They're overwhelmed and not happy. Yeah, they're probably overwhelmed and not happy because people like you were gaslighting them into thinking that you're allowed to bring open containers and glass bottles into the pool.

You fucking loon. No, this is allowed no i'm sorry honey you're mistaken this is allowed actually no this is my seventh year here and actually i can bring glass to a pool no we we're allowed to yeah no i'm actually allowed to drink my frozen marg on the water slide you're wrong about that buddy sorry i love that like it was a it wasn't even the employee being like hey you can't do that it was it was like another i'm just a spectator being like hey don't do that like please don't bring glass here oh no it's okay they know me and i'm actually allowed to do this it's like i hate both those people it's like first of all narc who's tagging you on you just neither i don't like

either what i have to pick a side yeah next you're gonna be telling me to vote it's also seven times i've heard no mention of yes and maybe this person has kids but this is my seven i'm sorry if you don't have kids and your review for the great wolf sorry if you do have kids and your review for the great wolf lodge is that long and you don't mention them yeah you might be a bad parent like there's no way that person has children because if they had children they would have mentioned them you see that right i do but but the whole review is about this person's experience. And it wasn't even like, my kids were unhappy with the blank, you know. Right. I don't know.

There's something about it that's, this person, their vacation is Great Wolf Lodge. Just to get away from it all. Next. Yes. Checking in. Yes. um next yes checking in yes uh for amelia h amelia h oh god oh can i just tell you oh yeah no you go oh i was just gonna say um i see that you're a frequent guest i just wanted to say thank you for your loyalty to oh no god thank you thank you i mean brian brian yeah the the month i've had you have no idea how much i need this of course and i see you've booked the room a uh single twin is that right yep same one every every uh you know every three months and will you be needing a cot or trundle bed oh god no no this is my me time this is this is just we'd offer it for a million so i just want to make sure no that's all right god no imagine

i feel like a lot of people don't take advantage of alone time like you can take a trip by yourself in fact you should yeah get away from it all like what is it like to spend time with amelia you know what is it for you what would it be like to spend time with just brian yeah and parking are you gonna need um one vehicle i'm assuming just me myself and uh my car yeah okay compact that's another what's that compact compact okay if you would park on levels one and two oh i can do that sorry it's just like even being in here the smell of it i mean oh i know i'm sorry i'm really sorry about that no what are you talking about oh there was a it's kid's birthday party in here it was horrible it was a bacchanal in here i'm really sorry

and no it's just the smell of the water it's like the smell of the water i know we've been really trying to get that smell no brian you don't understand i'm home i'm home oh thank you um no thank you god No, thank you. God, you must be happy every day to come to work. Do you even have any stress in your body? If I worked here, oh my God. Me, I'm just a stock trader. Oh, that must be pretty stressful.

It's all work, no play. Yeah, but sounds... Hey, you must be doing pretty good to stay here once every three months, I guess. Oh, no, I make a lot of money. I make so much money. But why hoard it all when you can treat yourself and live a little, right? Right. You might even take a...

You must take other trips, too. Like, you must go to like i don't know well i do so i go to this to this well this great wolf lodge in anaheim but there's also they have one in wisconsin so when i go there to visit family i mean thank god right and so it's really nice because it's like thank god you have family or think what was the thank god there thank god that it's there thank god that i can you know holidays get away from it all just for a little bit oh i'm sorry i would love to say an example of that oh you know christmas dinner christmas day you go to the great wolf it's just so like

you know you know how family can get i sure do oh amelia would you um sorry would you pass the gravy oh amelia i got um i got the new beer you like for the only one you can get at this tour amelia can you can you grab that first or and then do you want do you want to get the gravy i mean no it's fine i can grab the gravy myself i can get the gravy? I mean, no, it's fine. I can grab the gravy myself. I can grab the gravy myself. Amelia, I've got another kidney stone. I need another punch. You promised you would last time. Everybody stop.

Whoa, whoa. Everyone stop. Whoa, whoa. What the hell? I was just my kidneys. Amelia, you don't talk to family that way. I need to, I need to go. I need to go. I need to go.

Amelia, where are you going? Where are you going? It's 7 p.m. on Christmas Day. I need to, I need to just break the noise. I need to get out of here for a minute. Be back in a couple days. A couple days? We have your whole family here.

What are you talking about? Ed, can you talk some sense into your daughter? Oh, I don't know. Sorry, I'm getting a lot of lower back pain right now. Amelia, honey, why don't you come outside, talk to me? Just one-on-one. It's negative 15 outside, Dad. Well, you're the one who wants to run off into the God knows night where. Come sit on the porch with Pop.

Dad, you aren't going to convince me otherwise. What's going on? I am leaving. What's going on is that I can't think when I'm here. I feel so stifled. You don't feel overwhelmed? Of course I feel overwhelmed. Every day's a nightmare in this house.

I got your mother. I got your cousins. I mean, it's horrid. So? Don't you ever think about getting away? Yeah, I mean, I've got my poker nights and, uh, oh, sorry, my kidneys. And I got, um, well, it's mainly the poker nights. Dad, I know a place that, and I'm not bringing this up to you.

I don't want you to come with me. This is my place that I go to be alone. Okay, we're going together. But when I'm not there, you to come with me this is my place that i go to be alone okay we're going but when i'm not there you can come okay it's the great wolf lodge right off of oak what about it it's kind of a refuge a sanctuary for me in many ways you mean where your sister got norovirus in the third grade the very same why do you go there i go there to reconnect with myself slip sliding around a water slide makes me remember that i'm just a little part of this big thing we call life i guess you know it's your life i get into the room oh okay smells of chlorine and mold and stale french fries.

And I think, God, I really am so small. And this world is so big. What am I doing? Making millions of dollars trading stocks for huge corporations. I'm moving around a lot of money every day. I've been meaning to ask. Sorry, it's now not the time. About what, Dad?

Well, I've been meaning to ask. These kidney stones, they've been bothering me for quite some time. Okay, I'm not a doctor. No, I know, but, well, I've been putting it off because, you know, ever since I got laid off, I can't really afford the bill and

i was just wondering oh you know i hate to ask it's so embarrassing for a father to ask his own daughter like this but uh don't dad i'm gonna i love you so much you know there's these you're my favorite family member right now medications they can give you that just dissolve them right out you don't gotta pass them or nothing i mean god and it's not that expensive either they're like you know i can't afford it right now because it won't be covered on the health insurance but out of pocket for you i don't think it would be a big deal dad i love you and would it just be a drop in the bucket for me yes yes okay i could pay for that kidney stone medication 20 times over and not even feel it I love you. And would it just be a drop in the bucket for me? Yes. Yes. Okay. I could pay for that kidney stone medication 20 times over and not even feel it at all.

Oh. But this is where my boundary setting comes in from the therapy I've been doing. Of course. And I love you, but I need to use this money to go to Great Wolf Lodge. Of course. And there's not enough for both. Well, there's so much. Right. I can't stress to you how much money I make.

But your baby girl has got to put herself first sometimes. Hey, fly free, my little unicorn. You mean that? You're not mad at me? I'm blacking out. It's agony. But you're not upset? I don't think so.

So if I go to Great Wolf Lodge right now, take a margarita glass to the wave pool. Maybe splash around a bit. I don't know if that's allowed, but... You're not... Oh, no, it is. They allow it for me. You wouldn't be upset with me?

Not really. At this point, I'm kind of sick at the sight of you. Well, the feeling's mutual. What? Okay. So why don't you tell everybody in there that I'll be back, you know, when I see fit. And if anyone really

needs me, just howl. Because of the lodge. Oh. Well, not now. I really need that medication. This is for the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City. Everything's up to date in Kansas City.

They've gone about as far as they can go. A little Oklahoma for you. Oklahoma, where the Great Wolf Lodge is a water park. This is from Chris I. Chris Icarus. Chris Icarus. Chris Icarus Chris Icarus Chris Icarus Flew too close to the wolf

One star Oh shit Chris did not have a good time Absolutely The worst General manager Eric And head of security at any facility I have ever been to there was an issue where another guest an adult was intentionally manipulating a part of the tower to spray the

crowd and people that passed by i'm talking old people above 70 and i stupidly forgot and walked by in my street clothes and nice shoes as we were leaving and got drenched with water mind you it was minus three degrees outside the answer from the staff was oh well here's some clothes that are two sizes too small for you spoke to Eric the general manager who said he would try to make it right by comping us for another visit. Do you think that happened? No way. Hey, hey, you up there.

You up there. You please, please listen to us. You're hurting innocent people. You don't want to be doing this. Woo! I love the water park. Hey, man, talking. Hey, someone get him a phone up there.

Can someone get him a phone up there? Yeah, chief. I'm on it. Somehow throws a flip phone up there. Hey, buddy, I'm going to call you, okay? Whatever, man. Mommy, he got the water all over my cake can someone please get this man out off of the water we're working on that enjoy your wet cake ring ring ring ring i don't want to pick up

please it's good i don't want to yell man Hello. Hey, is this the water tower blaster? You can see me. Okay. Well, I am Detective Sparks. Are you a real cop? I am. Do you want to see my badge? Lawyer.

Okay, I'm a lawyer. And I did commit a crime by saying that. No, I want a lawyer. But now you, okay, so you're a lawyer. Okay. I'm a detective well they are calling me detective because you know i'm kind of the best on the team at negotiating i'm not on the team you don't work do you work here i do i do work but you're not a lawyer or a cop

man i am a lawyer if i could bend this thing back like another half inch i swear i could spray you right now we're getting off topic listen i'm here off topic you're just lied about your profession two times like you're on survivor i was a lawyer i was a lawyer i was disbarred so now this is my job working at great wolf lodge okay okay we're not here to talk about me what's your name brady brady you got a family brady sure do got spouse kids wife two littles still squirting hey got it hey, that's enough. People are trying to have a good time down here. There's a grandma over there.

I think if I get her feet, she'll slip. Don't! Hey, Brady. Why not? Brady. Why not? Take a look at yourself. Is this the kind of dad that your two littles look up to?

Someone who sprays water at children having a birthday, innocent old ladies at the lap pool. Is this the kind of life you thought you would have? No. What's the life you want, Brady? Well, believe it or not, I used to be a detective. Nah, you're lying. Come on. That's really cool. New York City, solving the big crimes. Wow. You I got fired. Dare I ask? I aimed for the king.

And I missed. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. Well, I'm not asking you to aim at anyone today. In fact, I'm asking you to put that squirt gun down. My kids, they look at me and i can just see it in their eyes they see a failure no they are there is your family here they say that's the that's my dad that's my dad the failure my dad and they say that arrest rudy giuliani failed got fired rudy giuliani's the king of the New York crime scene?

He was back when I was there. Are your kids here, Brady? Yeah, of course. Are they in this room right now? No, they're at the Build-A-Bear. Well, I can imagine you'd be pretty embarrassed if your family walked in and saw you shooting water at high velocity

at little old ladies. Maybe, but... Maybe? Probably. Why don't they think about it for a second? Yes, they would be. I would be embarrassed. They would be embarrassed.

We'd all be embarrassed. Are you okay? Okay. We're getting somewhere. I'm not your enemy. Look, I'm on your side. Feels like you are. i'm on your side man all these people they look at you and they just see a a jackass adult on a kid's just trying to

make everybody lighten up well look around take a second longer to look. What do you see? I see a kid whose mom was all upset at him for being a brat on his birthday. And then he got sprayed with water. And now who's his mom upset at? Me. Right. But also I see an old lady. All over the kid's cake and it's an edible now.

Who's mad at God for taking her husband. But now who's she mad at? Me. Okay. I don't know how you got that. She's just sitting there. Be, you know, the punching bag for all these people's anger. Maybe I can make their lives a little easier.

And you feel like this is you making up for not taking down Giuliani. I was this close. Door opens. Hey, honey, we got the kids each got their own. What's going on? What's happening? I'm just playing. No, he's not just playing.

He got my book wet. Shut up, granny. Just sit down. Your socks are in the chest. Oh, fuck. My bad. My bad. Oh, my God. Brady, get down from there.

Brady, Brady, you're starting to hurt people, Brady. You don't want to be doing that. Starting to hurt people? Brady, come on. I've been hurting people all my life. No, you haven't. One big fuck up after another. Listen, man.

I know we only met a couple minutes ago, but I can tell you want to help people. You want to be a role model for your kids. You want to have a great time at this great wolf lodge. Oh, you want to be the big, you want to be the alpha wolf around this great wolf lodge oh you want to be the big you want to be the alpha wolf around no adult has fun here um how about you look a little closer that old woman who you thought was mad at god she was mad at me because i told her that the next wave pool would start up at three and it's actually four she's having a blast and you see that little girl over there she just learned how to swim without floaties she feels like a mermaid i said adult oh yeah okay

well um oh what about what about your wife how's she feeling have you checked in with her she's probably feeling like she married a nobody. We're not talking about you right now. We're talking about if your adult wife is having fun at Great Wolves. Why don't you pass the phone over? Excuse me? Samantha. Samantha, you're Brady's wife?

Yes. He wants to talk to you. Okay. Brady, what's going on? What's happening? Nothing. I just was playing around with the squirt gun and things got a little out of hand. Brady, all these people look really, really mad. They're not mad. They're just wet.

Oh, get over it. You come to a water park, you don't expect to get wet? Brady, what's going on? I just have a question for you, and I need you to answer 100% honestly. Of course! I just want this to stop. And it's not about Rudy this time, I swear.

Okay. Are you having fun here? Am I having fun at the Great Wolf Lodge? Are you, my adult woman wife, having fun here at the Great Wolf Lodge or not? Well, do you want me to lie or do you want the truth? I want the honest to God truth. Brady, this place smells like ass. Yes.

Smells like wet. Wet. M mildew feet yes pizza chlorine cheese chlorine pizza chlorine cheese but i'm having a really good time what i went down the water slide and I felt like a kid again I splashed around in the deep end and in my head played mermaids a little bit I was too embarrassed to say to you hey let's go to the lost kingdom because I thought you'd think that your adult woman wife was acting like a baby that this is a place for kids and you always say no adult can have fun at great wolf it's true i didn't think they could but but then that put on me like oh i'm a freak i must be a

freak because i'm having fun at this indoor water park no but do you hear how you saying no adult it doesn't make me feel like an adult yeah when you say it like when you say it back to me like that i hear it so if you could just let go of the rudy giuliani thing and you get your feet wet a little bit i fucked up some myth i think you would have a blast and the kids want you to have fun too i don't think they're gonna let us stay here what do you mean i think when i come down they're probably gonna tell us to leave because i did hit that old woman right in the chest and she fell brady what the fuck i know it happened really fast jesus so we can't stay here anymore i doubt it i don't know ask your best friend over there

whatever his name oh don't start hey i'm not your enemy baby i'm not your enemy i'm just saying like you cheated hey it's it's me again it's detective sparks you're not a cop i never said i was well i did i lied anyway um i overheard a little bit of your conversation uh not on the phone, but you are maybe about 10, 15 feet away. Get to the point. Your wife and kids can still stay here. But I feel like we'd have a lot of angry wolf cubs if we let you stay on premises. I get it.

So now, knowing that your wife and kids can stay and have fun and there'll be no legal action taken against you we'll just take your photo and make sure that no one here ever lets you in again i would never come back on my own that's fine would you mind coming down here alone would you mind coming down from there do you would come here alone? Would you mind coming down from there? Do you guys really have people who come here by themselves? Yes. Regulars.

That's fucking weird. Please come down from the tower, Brady. Can I bring the water gun with me? No. I gotta leave it up here? Yes. Fuck. Brady.

I'm coming. I'm your pal. I'm coming. It's done. Everyone's coming. I'm your pal. I'm coming. He's down. Everyone's like. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Get him out of here.

What? He spits on you. Oh, you said I get kicked out. You didn't say I get fucking spat on. Well, I'm not in charge of that. There are some angry people. You might want to consider making amends. Goes up to the old woman.

Reaches out a hand. Hey, let me help you here. What's your name? My name is Rose. Sorry about your husband, Rose. What happened to him? He's dead and so you're mad at God. No, he's upstairs watching the big game

Oh Oh, well, I'm sorry that I got your book wet And my chest cavity is filled with water still Oh, I would see a doctor about that I think it's your fault. That's called dry drowning, and it's very serious. Can we get this man out of here? Yeah.

Yeah, he's on his way. I just have a couple more. Hey, miss. I'm sorry about your kid's birthday party. I didn't mean to get the cake wet or anything. Oh, you didn't mean to get the cake wet when i just saw when earlier before that phone call i saw you you zeroed it what and you were you were narrating you said i'm zeroing in i'm locking in target locked and then you said pew pew pew happy birthday to you you you as you were shooting the cake and you're making bullet holes of water in

our kids cake and i saw how mad you were at him before and And you were making bullet holes of water in our kid's cake. And I saw how mad you were at him before and I thought maybe if I could take the heat off of him. Mad at him? You were yelling. It looked like I was mad, yelling at him. Yeah. We were singing our favorite song.

Weren't your mom yelling at you? No, we were singing our favorite song. No. You're singing Welcome to the Jungle. And it has a lot of screaming in it. So if you'd actually listen to women and children. Wait, the Guns N' Roses song? Yeah.

I love that song. Well, maybe if you ever try listening, you need to hear what's going on around you. Kids from 1 to 92 are all having a great time here at the Great Wolf Lodge but it smells bad well there's one person you didn't apologize to yet I'm drawing a blank

it's your wife oh Sam yes you have anything to say to me and the kids itty and bitty itty bitty? Itty. Bitty. Yeah.

Sam. Yeah. I'm sorry. For? Damn. For not being able to get Giuliani. What?

Hey, Daddy. Yeah, Eddie? We don't care about how you're the guy who let Giuliani get away. But he was on charge of everything. He was the head of it all. Listen to your kids.

Listen to what they're trying to say to their papa. I hear you, Eddie. Hey, Dad. Yeah, Eddie. We love you. We don't care that you're the one who let him get away. Because you're our dad.

Thank you for saying that, guys. um i'm gonna let you guys finish up the vacation um i'm gonna go wait in the car we'll be here for another two days and i'll be in that car festering well actually we cannot have you on serious the premises that includes the lot or any lodging space thereof fine i'm gonna go stand right outside the front door that's still on the premises the sidewalk outside depending on the radius of outside that radius okay i can't stop you there. And I'm gonna take that fucking water gun with me.

Hey! Before you go first of all put that down. Oh. Fine. Thank you for for stepping up to the plate today.

Being the man that your kids want you to be. And know who you are. Don't know if I did all that but thank you. And by the way pulls off a bounce.

No fucking way! It's for you Giuliani. I'm gonna drown you youiani i'm gonna drown you'll never get me alive um normal i'd say i would say rudolph juliani has nothing to worry about with that scene. What? What? I have one. I have one. I have one what? I have a review.

Okay. Spill. It's for the Great Wolf Lodge in Anaheim, California. Oh, I love that one. This is three stars and you get to make up the name no name at all yeah oh fuck okay um i would say probably rudolph william lewis giuliani this is from rudolph william lewis giuliani three stars okay the title is filthy rooms mediocre food spotty service but kids love it amen rooms are more like motel six carpets are filthy mattresses are so uncomfortable sheets are so cheap blankets are most likely never washed food is very mediocre service is not consistent

the water park is a cesspool of viruses, even though the whole place reeks of chlorine. The crowd varies dramatically, but most people are respectful. Nevertheless, kids love the water park. Sounds like you hate your kids. They don't have taste. They don't have taste. Yeah, I mean, you remember when we were kids, I mean, you know, mom and dad did their best, but, you know. Well, they did their best, but also, you know, that was when smoking cigarettes inside around your children was the norm. But, you know, yeah, exactly. So what does their best really look like, you know? Right.

That's what i mean you know you're saying like oh you feel like your kids don't have taste but like you know did you really enjoy the wine tastings mom and dad would take us on all that much of course i knew that they were raising me to be a jack-of-all-trades a renaissance woman and seeing my kids now they want to play in a water park they could be they could be out foraging truffles they could be learning to play polo they could be doing etchings of a sunset on a rock i mean we were only eight when we went to those i mean oh well i didn't get drunk. I spat in this platoon. No, I'm not even saying, but like, do you really think you could appreciate the flavor profile or anything like that? Are you kidding me? The amount I've learned of, you know, barrel aged and what kind of oak you're using and the depth of flavor. I mean, my God, like, why else would they have brought us there then if not to bring us up to be well cultured and sophisticated i want that for my kids

i mean i guess you know you've always been a little bit more sophisticated than me oh stop you do your best yeah i mean i try but you know when christopher give yourself more credit no i'm serious like you're a gentleman when the time asks for it when mom had us memorize you know all the constitution all 10 000 words of the constitution yeah i was never good at that you knew the thing day one well i don't hold your dyslexia against you, my darling. Thank you. And I wish mom could have learned that lesson. But when dad, you know, he used to take us to those Fabergé egg making classes.

Some of the highlights of my life. I always felt like I was going to break something and I was going to get into big trouble. Oh, darling. Well, listen, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but you did love those times. Just because, you know, you're a bull in a china shop doesn't stop you from having the appreciation for it, does it not? I mean, I loved them because I was with you and mom and dad like our family but no i mean you know the truth is i look back on my childhood and you know i would probably i think i i think i would be better adjusted if i'd played

you know soccer instead of having those calligraphy classes. Oh, but suck. You're getting dirty in the mud like a pig in slop. Who wants any part of that? Well, kids. Well, kids these days, not my kids, not our family, us as children. God, no. But that's why we are better than everybody else because we took the calligraphy classes, because we took the ribbon dancing classes,

because we took the horse drawing classes we did a lot of things with art and drawing and no one can take that away from us and i wouldn't take it away from you ever but i don't know sometimes i look at you know your littles and i love them dearly you know they're my niece and my nephew and and you're their unky chris and i and i love them but i i worry about them sometimes i really do oh i know where this is coming and i'm child free and i'm child free proudly happily child free and and it's and it's by choice and it's maybe it's because i don't feel like i had a childhood i was a highly parentified child i didn't have any opportunity so tim and bim

are better sailors than you with all those sailing classes you're a little bit shell i know where this is okay first of all listen no you can get out on there you get your sparrows and they will show you the ropes literally and figuratively so if you're worried about that rebecca rebecca i i have to stop you there i'm sorry but i was a better sailor than you growing up i was no i'm not i think that's just like an objective we're not talking about us where you said you're worried about them i thought it was worried because you don't have your sea legs quite like my tim and bim no i have fantastic my sea legs are sturdy as an ox i mean you said it yourself i'm a bull in a china shop and and and my my legs are strong enough to you to heave the yaw and throw the jib aside.

My worry is... Well, I was having a conversation with Bim the other day. Oh, my darling girl. When I picked her up from her horseshoe painting class and i said hey are you excited you excited for vacation you know what she said she said no you're lying no i'm serious that's a filthy dirty lie if you were bimmer tim i would have you clean your mouth out no i said i said what you don't want to spend a week learning how to

cultivate grapes learning how to of course she does three different cultivars they asked for this vacation i gave him a choice of two okay what was the other choice horse calligraphy or grape cultivation well one of those sounds dangerous so they probably picked the safer one they were so excited about this compared to horse calligraphy i'm just saying if you had given them an option between i don't know grape cultivating and i don't know disney cruise well this is just a straw man argument Chris you can say that but I don't think would you rather go to hell or

have an ice cream you know you just you just so in that wait a minute in that sort of go to hell Disneyland dirty disgusting sickly sweet a rat or have an ice cream go taste a fermented grape in a cup so if you think

that going to disneyland is hell of course it is in that our family would have never taken us to such a place well then why not um just ask the question why don't we call Bim in here? I know my darling girl. Okay. Bim, Tim. Thank you. You always leave Tim out, by the way. Well, it's because he's quiet. Darlings.

Oh, hello, my darlings. Are you having a good day with your astrological tutor? Yes. Speak up a little louder, my dear. Sorry. Yes. Oh, fantastic, my sweeties. Okay, well, your Uncle Chris and I have a question we'd like to ask you,

but I feel like I already know the answer. Why don't you ask away? Oh, you see how cultured they are, Chris. My God, you think the... All right, I'll just ask. Uncle Chris, don't you know that mother had us cultivate a vague european accent in order to have a little bit extra class i did know that yeah yes bim tim yes mother would you rather this is a hypothetical of course

because i know how excited we all are for grape cultivation vacation. But hypothetically, would you rather go cultivate grapes in the great outdoors, indoor solarium hybrid with Evian on tap. Or... Go to... Icky, yucky, sticky, smelly Disneyland. Disneyland. That's what I said. Yes, Disneyland. Mummy, can we have an opportunity

to discuss between the two of us? Oh, absolutely. I mean, I already know what you're going to say, so you don't have to put on a... I love their healthy communication. You know, and their communication seminars that I put them

through. This was a big part of that yes my darling bim you've made a decision okay well i mean there's no okay well what's what's your would you rather knowing that we're gonna go cultivate grapes next week? We'd rather go to Disneyland. Oh, this is a joke. You know, the comedy playwriting classes have been really paying off. They love testing out. Rebecca, I don't think they're joking.

Well, of course they are. They would never want to. We're not joking, Mama. This is extremely real. Bim, Bim, you don't mean that. That's not who you are. I want to ride on a minion. Well, darling, that is universal property.

That's illumination. See, they don't even know what they're talking about. I should know as a growing girl, but I do not. I can tell you which grape varieties are endangered. Exactly. And that is what a young lady with class and poise should know. I can tell you. Not, not, oh, be the, be the banana.

You know, that's not the kind of thing that. No, but mama. That children, they, you know, kids these days the kind of thing that children... You know, kids these days, all they want is illumination. Illumination. But, mother. You know how to shoe a horse. And then dressage.

But, mother. Oh, you want banana. Banana. That's what you want. Wait a minute, mother. Wait a minute. Tim, my dear mother, I... Oh, you want banana. Banana. That's what you want. Wait a minute, mother. Wait a minute. Tim, my God. I have to speak up for Brim in this moment.

You know, as children, we should not be able to identify the difference between a tobacco and musk cologne and a... Of course you should. No, mother, we should be able to identify the difference between Bob and Kevin. This is what we should do. Are you joking? Chris, what have you been telling them? Obviously, this is your doing i haven't i

haven't i mean it's probably the internet i i haven't i promise you i haven't shown them any of this stuff right kids chris i know when you're lying fine i god damn maybe last summer i maybe took him to see minions movie the rise The Rise of Gru or the first one? No, the Rise of Gru. They had so little context because they hadn't seen Despicable Me or the sequel or the... It was really hard for them to watch it.

You did that without consulting me. I mean, Mike said it was okay. What does Mike know? Mike's a dunce and I'll tell him that to his face. He's your husband. He went to Brown. Okay, I... Rebecca, I think...

I'm sorry you've had this a long time coming, and you are my sister, and I love you, but you are a snob. There it is. You're a uppity? but you are a snob. There it is. You're a uppity, stuffy. And there it is. Oh, you think I'm a snoot. Know-it-all snoot.

You really are. You think I'm a snoot. You and I had the same goddamn childhood, Christopher. Yes, and I grew up, you know, a weird sort of maladjusted freak. Oh, don't talk about yourself like that. It's true. Wet toes are nothing to sniff at.

Not that part. My personality. I'm not the toes aren't the thing. Okay. You're always with the toes. Well, I know how insecure you are about that. I'm not insecure about that. I'm insecure about the fact that I don't know any movies.

Also, you think that's all being a kid is, is knowing Banana. Yes. Knowing Kevin, knowing Bob. When we went to middle school for the first time, mom finally was too busy with her tobacco curing to send us to public school. And we went to middle school and the kids were talking about star wars and i thought they were you know talking about copernicus and galileo as you should as you should those are the tales of old and astrologers who've made leaps and bounds for us as humanity what you want to know about jar jar you want to know about yoda yes

so i guess i'm the freak freak you are well if you want to take my children to Disneyland or Universal or Great Wolf Lodge. Oh, fuck no. What? Oh, never Great Wolf Lodge. Stinky. Kids, do you want to go to an indoor water park hotel? That feels like a little too much, a little too fast. I want to ride a minion.

I'd like to buy a minion burger alf do you have another one or should i do it oh i have one and it's really funny but i think you should do yours no do it yours is probably better than mine no that was a bluff i don't have one you actually don't no i actually don't have another one. Okay, perfect. That's a really good bluff. This is also for Great Wolf Lodge in Anaheim. It is one star from Isaac P. Isaac Poopin. Like, instead of Newton, it's Poopin. No, I know. Isaac Poopin.

One star. The title is First Timer. Ugh. The hotel was not what we'd expected. The food was terrible and overpriced. The blankets for the children's beds were laughably small. The bathtub was dirty and there were very few blankets for the number of people the room accommodated for. I called the front desk multiple times around 6pm

for extra towels and no one answered or bothered returning my room call. The activities were poor in execution and the quote-unquote story time was awkward at best the water park was smaller than advertised and had little staff security after blah blah then it's really just them talking about fees i guess the story time element is what really stuck out to me who's telling them the story? And what does it have to do with the water park? I guess there's activities that go on in the hotel that have nothing to do with the water park. I don't know.

I'm so ignorant about the ways of Great Wolf Lodge. I do think I. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about that. About story time? I don't know about that as an activity. Maybe it's because I was a kid with the inability to sit still

and sort of like, for lack of a better word, a kind of attention deficit disorder. Yes, and a sort of desperate need to be the center of attention at all times. I think being told, like, we're going on vacation, now you're going to sit still quietly and listen to someone tell a story would be like

sort of nightmare material oh see I would have loved a story time yeah cause you were a goody two shoes yes fucking brown loser yes teacher's pet yes of course

disgusting okay honey okay so this is the time where the parents were going to go have dinner. And thankfully, they are going to serve all the littles dino nuggets and fries. And you get a story from Wally the wolf. So you and all the kids, you guys need to sit down. Be quiet. Wally's going to come out a little bit and tell you guys a story. And then by the time that's over, we'll be done with dinner.

I'll pick you up and go to bed. Okay. Okay. Okay. But you have to sit. You have to be quiet for this. Okay. Because this is not your story time.

What's that mean? Wally the wolf is going to tell a story. So just be good and we'll be back soon. What was that supposed to mean? They leave. Why'd she say that? That's not your story. Well, hey there, little one.

Why don't you come over here? I'll get you seated with the other kids. Like I'm some kind of spotlight hog? What's your name, friend? Francis. Francis? What a fantastic name. My name is Francine.

Look at that. We're twins. are not all right well um I still think you're great we can be friends then all right Francis and and Francine best of friends okay now I'm gonna go ahead and sit you down why don't you come over remains to be seen Papa squat over here next to Camille and Robert. Camille? Robert? Hi. We're so excited for story time.

You're Francis, right? Yeah. It's my name. Don't worry it out. Oh. Okay. Well, is it your first time here? We haven't seen you around before.

Yeah, I'm still not sure about all this. You guys like this? We love it. Our parents take us every year, and we actually met here last year, and now we're pen pals, so that's been really fun. Maybe you and I could be pen pals someday. Yeah, maybe. But the story time specifically, you guys like this? Wally is so cute and has the best stories.

You'll love him. Wait, I thought that the southern lady was going to tell the story. No, she's Wally's handler. Wally will be out. He's coming out right now. He needs a handler? What was her name? Francesca

or something. Francine. Francine is helping Wally out. She's helping him walk across the stage. It's just a giant wolf costume. Oh, that kind of handler. Well, yeah. Well, I mean, he's a...

I just thought you meant handler like, you know, how a wild animal needs a handler, not handler like how my grandma needs a handler. Well, no, he is a wild animal. She's making sure that he doesn't get too wild. Yeah, but he looks like he can't see in that costume, and that's why she's here, not that she...

Anyway. All right, kids, it's Wally the wolf. Can I get a big oh oh i love hearing that from all you little wolf pups well welcome to wally story time now are you guys ready to hear the best story you've ever heard in your life or at least the past hour okay kids i'm gonna leave you with wally i'll be back i'll just be right in the back of the room if you guys need anything wally if you need anything any treats or little wolf snacks you just let me know thank you so much francine okay here we go sorry so the handler leaves.

Well, she's in the back of the room because while he's good, he's ready to... Can we just... So you even acknowledge that he really only needs her to walk. We are here for this story. Yeah, hey, come on, man. We're trying to listen, new friend. Okay, is it always the same story or a different one? Shh.

Okay. Okay, kids, it's time for today's story. Now, I know everyone has been having a long, fun day in the water, but this story is actually set in the desert. Oh, whoa. There's a wolf now about the desert. Now, I bet some of you are wondering, what does a wolf know about the desert? Wait, I bet some of you are wondering, what does a wolf know about the desert?

Wait, he read my mind. But I have a couple friends in the great outdoors. My friend Carson Coyote told me this story from his time in the Mojave Desert. Wow. I'll admit it, that's pretty cool.

Now, once upon a time, there was, you guessed it, a coyote. Can we get an awoo for the coyote? Awoo! Yeah. Isn't it fun? He's great, right? I'm getting into it, yeah. One night, he was walking through the desert when he noticed something bright up ahead.

But what could that be? They were miles away from people, and there weren't any city lights out here. Could it be a star? No, mirage. What's that little wolf in the back? Could it be a mirage? He's talking to you. Could it have been a mirage i love that guess little wolf pup but no

what it was what was a star a bright gleaming star in the distant was that little one uh you wouldn't believe me. Well, come on. Well, that was going to be my first guess, but then I changed it to Mirage. Oh, yeah. I'm sure it was. I said he wouldn't believe me. Anyway. You guys heard me say star, though, right?

Okay. Yep. The star was gleaming and glowing. And what? It looked like it was coming straight at him. It was getting bigger and bigger until boom! It landed right next to him in the sand. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. What's going to happen? Well, it can't really be a star then if it landed right next to him. Now, guess what, you guys? It wasn't really a star after all. I should be writing these, I swear. What's, hey, hey, man. Hey, little wolf pup.

I'm so happy you're here for this story time, but we're all trying to listen to the story together. Can I get a big awoo for that? Awoo! No, you may not. Oh, little one. No, you're a little rascally wolf pup. Come on, can I get an awoo for the story?

No, you may not. Oh, this is my friend Francis. Hey, Francis, it's me. Hey, how about you give him an awoo and we just water under the bridge? No, thank you. I'm fine. I think he's being a little dramatic. He's being, what do you mean dramatic?

Well, I don't, I was talking very quietly and frankly, I mean, he's a grown wolf. You know, if he can't tell a story, you know, if he's so insecure about his storytelling ability that one kid whispering. Well, why don't you get up here and tell the story then?

I don't think you actually want me to do that. You know, that's stand up 101 mistake. You know, you think this is trust me. You can you know that's stand up 101 mistake you know come on if you think you can tell a better story trust me my man you think this is gonna work it's not gonna work the audience will turn on you

even if I don't tell a better story the audience will turn on you come on all you pups can we get an awoo for Francis awoo oh come on kids I know you can do a. Can we get an awoo for Francis? Oh, awoo. Oh, come on, kids. I know you can do a better awoo than that. Oh, you're being kind of mean.

I don't want to be pen pals with him at all. That's for sure. I never want to be pen pals with you fucking dork. Awoo more like a P-U. A P-U. Oh, come on, little wolf pup. Why don't you get up on here and you can finish the story. So the bright light that was definitely not a star landed in the desert. No, you go sit down.

You go sit down. If we're trading places, we're trading places. Telling the alpha to sit down. Now that's rich. Oh, did the little cocky get his feet into it? Some alpha can't be threatened by a kid if you're the alpha. Go sit down. They don't like you, man.

All right. Oh, what was your name again? France. No, little guy. Little guy. Not you. Nobody likes you. What's your name?

I thought we were. Robert. No need to be me. I mean, Francis. No need to be me. Oh, no. Who's forgetting names? Okay. What was the little guy in Nobody likes you. What's your name? I thought we were... Robert. No need to be me. I mean, Francis. No need to be me. Oh, no. Who's forgetting names? Okay.

What was the little guy in the front row? What was your name? What was your name in the front row? Robert. Robert. Okay. Robert. Hey, Robert.

How's it going? I'm okay. I wanted to hear... I wanted to know what the light was. Yeah, we'll get to that. What do you do for a living? I'm a kid, just like you. Right, right.

What's your favorite subject in school what is this i crowd work hey come on no we're telling the story you said you wanted you could have told a better story that's what i'm not doing i'm not gonna continue to tell the story till i've built some rapport my friend this is fucking storytelling 101 no cussing okay and i appreciate that that is a bit much. I'm sorry. So what's your favorite subject at school? Math. Math.

I pegged you as a math kid. You look smart. Thanks. Yeah. Do you want to do some quick maths for me real quick? I want to listen to Wally's story. Oh, you want to listen to Wally's story? We all want to listen to Wally's story.

Oh, so you don't want to hear the secret story? What? The secret Great Wolf Lodge story. Well, there's no... All looking at Francine. There's no secret Great Wolf... No, no, no. There's no secret Great Wolf Lodge story.

Oh, your parents didn't tell you? No, now he's being... Wait, our parents didn't tell us what? No, there's no secret Great Wolf Lodge story. Oh, your parents didn't tell you? No. Now he's being... Wait, our parents didn't tell us what? No, there is no secret Great Wolf Lodge. Oh, you guys. Robert, Camille. There's a secret Great Wolf Lodge story that all the adults know. What fell into the sand was actually a little alien.

Can we get that woo for the alien? Woo! You guys don't want to hear that boring story. That's probably the same story you heard last summer, right? Yeah, it does sound... I think the alien and the coyote become friends and the alien shows the coyote an endless water spring. I think that's what happens.

Oh, sorry. I fell asleep hearing that. Hey, come on. Now you guys want to hear the secret story, right? Yeah, we do. No, no. Hey, guys, we need to wrap this up. I'm going to call your parents to come home.

What are you afraid of, Francine? There is no secret story that their parents would have told them because the secret story does not exist. Then what are you afraid of? Then what are you afraid of? You give me the heebie-jeebies, little man. I am very scared of you. You're afraid of me.

I am very scared of you. I told you this wouldn't work. Wally, I told you not to do it. I told you not to put me up here, and you did it anyway. Hey, what little man bought it? You go sit back down, and we'll get your parents. You sit back down. Security, get him out of here.

I've had enough. I've had enough. They do. Yeah. Come on. The kids start clapping. Secret story. Secret story.

Okay. Secret story time. This story, okay, this is a secret story that they don't want you to know. That's not true. We have full transparency here. This story is called. The security guards gag her and take her out of the room. This story is called What Your Parents Really Do.

Oh, you're at story time. But I don't think you guys really want to hear that story. No, we actually don't want to hear that story. Do you want to hear the one about the snail that learned to fly? Yeah! Yeah, that seems more your state. And you see, W wally rule number two know your audience fucking hack back in the room so honey how was wally's story time tough room tough room

oh my god francis yeah your voice it's yeah i wouldn't like to i wouldn't like to play here again okay uh well let's just remember that yeah absolutely we can i sold two cds that's i mean those numbers they're not good numbers even we can admit they're not good numbers oh i mean i i mean i barely covered my, you know. Yeah, yeah. Milk for the day, you know? Yeah. Like, come on. No, I hear that.

I hear that. Well, did you do the while your parents are away? I didn't think they even wanted it, you know? Really? The secret story got them in, but when it came time for it, they weren't really into it, which I, to be honest, I knew that

and I was pushing my luck. I was trying to show off in front of the asshole. So you did the flying snail? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a crowd pleaser for a reason. It is. But can I be honest?

Frankie, baby. It's stale. It's stale. It's stale. I know it's stale. The flying snail is getting stale. I know, but they're kids. They've never heard anything like, you know what I mean?

I can get a little bit away with it with them. Of course. Of course. But no, you're right. I mean, I'm not challenging myself. I'm not challenging myself challenging myself but for the future don't don't lead with necessarily i think i think what you could do in the future is you could say do you want to hear a story about a snail who learned to fly or and then you present the other option and i hear that yeah and i hear that but i just like i felt like you know i had lost them i really felt like i lost them for a second when I said, do you want to know what your parents really do?

You know, when I did that and I just was like, I just panicked. I was like, I have to get them back. The snail story. It's a strong closer. We'll just go for that. But I agree. You're wrong. You're not wrong.

I yeah. I mean, I, you know, I've been working on the one about the car that learns to talk. And I haven't found it. You know, it feels very derivative at this point. What about the um uh car that learns to talk and i haven't really found it you know it feels very derivative at this point what about the dog that does ballet i you know i know you're always pitching that one and i and i do think it's promising ballet could be huge for our numbers i just think that the i think i want to work that in like some more blue collar rooms you know what i mean i just don't think this is the crowd it's not the crowd this is a great I think I want to work that in like some more blue collar rooms. You know what I mean?

I just don't think this is the crowd for that. It's not the crowd. This is the Great Wolf Lodge. You know, you know what I mean? Yeah, I hear that. Dog that Does Ballet, like, yeah, I think that's going to play great in Omaha. You know what I mean? But I don't know if that's going to do great here per se.

Hey, well, this is why you're the one up there, not me. I'm just running the show. You remember the one I used to do about the whale who couldn't tie her shoes? The whale who couldn't tie her shoes. Yeah, I love that one. I miss that one. I know. It's like, why did I stop doing it? Do you remember why I stopped doing that? I think I wonder. It's like, I think it became so big and so fun that people

started finishing it for you. And I remember that made you very violent. I didn't like that. No, I did not like that. It's not that kind of show. And I remember that made you very violent. Very violent time. I didn't like that. No, I did not like that. It's not that kind of show. And I would say that. They would think I was joking. And it was like a lot of tantrums.

Yeah, I was fussy. But I think maybe I've gotten over that now. Maybe I've developed. I don't know. We'll see. Development, my frontal lobe, you know. I mean, it's nowhere near complete. No, but it's more near complete.

Than a couple months ago, yeah i'm just you know well you know me i'm always pushing for a dog who does ballet i know you are and and honestly tough rooms are not a bad thing you know i i know i came out swinging saying i wanted you to cut this from the schedule from now on but you know we've learned a lot you know we're having this discussion and you know who knows if you weren't having this conversation in Philly, right? Like, I think it's good to have challenging rooms sometimes, but not every night, which is what this week has felt like. Well, can I just speak up for myself? Yeah.

That's not necessarily my fault. Oh, Kang, you are flawless. You are doing the work right now. Thank you. I felt like you were blaming me that it's like, what's my fault? It's been bad rooms. No, no, no, no, flawless. You are doing the work right now. Thank you. I felt like you were blaming me that it's like, what's my fault? It's been bad rooms. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry.

I think, honestly, it's a cultural thing. Like, I don't, you know, and I'm not trying to be one of those storyteller kids who's, you know, complaining about you. You can't tell this story anymore. You can't tell this. Right, right, right, right. But I do think that, like. You were starting to sound a little bit like coastal elite yes i exactly and i'm not and i do think

you know it's an undeniable truth that like there are certain subjects which you used to be able to talk about freely which you can't anymore and i think some of that's really good and i'm proud of that progress we've made but sometimes rooms can be a little, you feel like a room takes longer to warm them up. Now they see, you know, they see a kid storyteller who looks like me there. They get nervous. And I'm not saying they don't have a right to be nervous because,

you know, you're seven. I'm seven. I look the way I look, you know, I sound the way I sound. Yeah. But have you thought about dropping the baby voice when you're on stage?

I have not really thought about that, no. I just think, I mean, maybe I could try that. Like, why don't we, fuck, we're doing some house shows, aren't we, in New York next month? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could do it then. I guess we could try that. I just, I don't know. Why not?

Yeah, the alt kids might be into that. I just think, like, to do that here, you know what I mean? No, no, no. I was not suggesting doing that, like, on this big of a scale. I'd be arrested. It'd be Rodney Dangerfield. Yes. You know what I mean?

Yes. Yes. I don't think. Yes. The censorship. Well, I'm going to hit the sack. Okay. But, hey, great work out there. Thank you, man. I'm gonna head I'm gonna hit the sack okay but hey

great work out there you know it's like a lot of people it's like you know all the biggest critics are never the ones who are actually gonna get up on the stage themselves you actually have to be in the arena to have an opinion you know that's what I don't want to beat a dead horse that's what really pissed me off about that

Wally guy tonight was you know you know that whoeverally guy tonight was you know you know that whoever that was like he you know he wasn't taking it seriously he didn't respect for the audience you know and it's like those kids were they were gonna have a fine time i wanted them to have a great time you know what i mean well and so this is why i'm so happy that you're saying this because it's like i feel like it's really healthy um i haven't been figured i'm trying to start that i'm a little nervous oh my god what are you nervous um i signed you're not quitting are you signed wally uh and so i think it's really healthy that moron you guys hey come

on no i'm serious healthy that you're able to give me this kind of feedback because i don't want to look like i'm playing favorites no and we've always you and i have always been clear like I would never run to the assumption that you weren't going to take other clients obviously that would be naive but yes I honestly just purely we've been in this a long time together our friend to friend yep I do think you made a mistake purely for your own good like I just don't see that opinion I don't see that guy going anywhere I think you will he's here he's he has a mainstage show at the great wolf lodge so you know that's your opinion and you can have that opinion and i still love you and i'm here for you but you know friday night mainstage show great wolf lodge

how many kids are here tonight you know what i mean like oh well 17 room max is 25 right so what's that like 60 something percent look i don't want to fight with you i just wanted to tell you i'm glad it's out in the open now yeah no i mean thank you for telling me but just don't book me on any shows with him please that's fine that's fine absolutely and if that means that you have to give him some opportunities over like this i just i don't want to play rooms with that guy. He's a real prick. I got him Madison Square Garden. Are you serious? Kids love a man in a wolf suit.

Well, he'll be able to buy a lot of coke with that. Hey, why don't you get into your onesie? He has a problem. You see that, right? Get into your crib. Get in your crib. I'm pretty tired. Didn't take my nap today yeah i know can i get an awu no woo no hard feelings boss no hard feelings boss all right here's your baba

cheers cheers hey uh take it take it easy tonight oh you know i will sell madison square garden you know i don't want to hear hey come on don't want to wake up with the cops at my door tell me a story about uh you know so and so met a so-and-so again i'll see you in the morning I hope so I'm just being honest man I worry about you let's do our last segment this took me all week long I

got something in the mail today coli no I so this is got something in the mail today coli no I so this is actually by the time this comes out I believe Daniel will have just had his birthday Daniel has just turned 31 and we

love we just have a bit where we send each other every photo of a capybara we see on the internet and so we did a jellycat episode weeks ago and i pulled the trigger and i got daniel this had been sold out for months online i got the clyde capybara jellycat and it has brought me in the hours that he's been in our home yeah he's brought me so much joy already

and I love him don't get me wrong I'm obsessed with him big nose little paws it's hard for you to get an angle on him where he looks normal on the screen no his proportions are crazy

and just seeing him sitting in the living room it's the it just makes me laugh i i you make me want one for sure but i can't get one of those why mr mistoffelees be jealous well chauncey he and chauncey are now buddies they're gonna share a domain that's different you know chauncey's fucking geriatric. But what about Mr. Mistoffelees? Mr. Mistoffelees is no spring chicken. Well, yeah, but he's like 30-ish.

So anyway, it's short and sweet. Clyde Capybara, Jellycat. This shit makes me laugh so hard. I love it. Well, my what shook me this week is that I was in the path of totality ew no that is so mother nature put her bazooms up to the sky oh no but then you put a bra on oh that is awful um i uh yeah i went to southern indiana

and i was in the path of totality and i saw incredible i'm so jealous three and something minutes of totality and it was really a strange surreal experience and i'm really glad i did it it was it wasn't exactly the best journey. Being there was fantastic. I had such a great time. But on the drive back, we did ultimately get a flat tire over 100 miles away from Chicago. That sucks. Had to change the tire and then drive at 45 miles an hour on the spare because that was the max speed.

You can go on the spare on highways that have a max speed of 70 miles an hour. Yeah. And it was dark and the truckers were not pleased. But you got to see the eclipse in totality. And that is so awesome. And it was one of those things where I was like, if I was a medieval peasant. Yes. My mind would have been fucking.

Of course. I would have been like, end times like end times burn somebody like we need to repent like holy fuck me it was it was genuinely like it was genuinely one of the just like strangest things like it's the only way to describe it like the light i the light like i've never seen light like that like it just looked so odd like there was like it felt like the like it just looked so odd like there was like it felt like the sunset was happening in all directions it was very wow that's cool and all the birds went honk shoo honk shoo for a minute it was um that's i'm so glad you got to experience my dad uh also saw it in totality i'm very jealous. That's just, that's, it's special. It's special. And all those people

were saying you needed those special glasses. And you just, yeah. Row dog. No, I did wear the glasses. Everybody, you guys should all wear the glasses. All the time. 24 hours. You can find Alf on Instagram at

AlfredInnit. You can find the show on Instagram at AlfredInnit you can find the show on Instagram at Review Review and Reddit r slash Review Review and

please send us theme songs please Review Review show at gmail.com please we love them original theme songs we love them so much

and Discord Review Review and Jeffrey James and I have monthly Zoom parties on our Patreon.com

slash Riley and Jeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley Anspor and on Twitter.com, now known as XXX.com for as long as it lasts. And as we say every single week, we're always saying it. We are never actually not saying it. We'll see you next week.

That was a Hiddem Original.