Review Revue - Green Food Dye

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Alf and Reilly return to the Horse Cotillion Cinematic Universe (HCCU) and eat pens in a thrilling episode of Not Top Chef. >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Come on in here, come on in here Alf and Riley read reviews What will you hear, what will you hear? Reviews for psychics and gazoos Alfie is an ancient man and Riley is a baby girl They chat so much shit it'll set your head awirl Somehow you'll listen every week How bleak

Come on along Come on along Why don't you join the Patreon Cause they need cash They need it fast So tell your dad and tell your mom

And if you wanna hear some skilled accent work, well, that's too bad. Come on in here, come on in here, up in Riley Reed Reviews. That was it. That was the best theme song. That was the best. That was the best. That was everything. And was the best theme song. That was the best. That was the best. That was everything.

And it's not a competition. It's not a competition. It's not. But Tyler? It's really not. But Tyler? No, but that was amazing. The vocals, the writing, it made us laugh, made us cry, made us weep.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating. That was incredible. That was from Hannah. Hannah says, hi, pals. Since you've been asking For some theme songs That are public domain

I thought I'd send in a cover Of the 1911 banger Yes Yes Alexander's Ragtime Band Fuck yes Enjoy And please force people

To follow me At Hannah Arkey H-A-N-A-R-K-E-E At H-A-N-A-R-K-E-E Love you Hannah That was Your vocal That was I mean I like When I said at H-A-N-A-R-K-E-E. Love you. Hannah, that was your vocal.

That was, I mean. When I said I wanted public domain, you understood exactly what I was asking for. You heard us. You listened. You really listened. In the words of Madam Web, of which I saw high out of my gourd this past weekend,

you did it. You did it. You did it. When she was studying spiders in the Amazon. That line isn't in the movie. Are you serious? That line is not in the movie. No. Okay.

I'm just going to jump right into it. Yeah, please. I took an edible and went to go see Madame Webb with some friends. It is the best night of my life. That was the best night of my life. Wow, really? I laughed so hard I thought it was going to throw up. I thought it was choking.

I have, I genuinely feel like we, Witness History, this is the room of our generation. This is a cult classic. Should I see it? This is a hundred, but you have to, you can't watch it sober. You have to do drugs. You have to do drugs and see this movie.

It is, and we are not telling, don't do drugs, don't do drugs. Only the coolest people I know do no way um it is it is a perfect film every line is 20 minutes long it is it is there's one line where the villain and it's like every line is a paragraph he's like also the main, his whole performance is dubbed, and it doesn't even match every single frame he's dubbed. I don't understand why. Are you serious?

Alf, it is a perfect film. You're in for the ride of your life. He's saying, he goes, I love that. You should be so lucky that you didn't know that tonight is the night that you're going to die. It is like, it is so. Sweaty.

It is un, it's a perfect movie how would you know that you how would you know if you did how that wait what is the fuck she's like how would you know that you didn't know how to climb a wall if you never even tried it is just daniel i keep quoting las arañas to each other like she is it's a perfect film it's she a stray cat jumps on her table

and drinks out of her cereal bowl she goes a stray's gotta stick together right? oh my word and then when she's learning about the spider people she's telling the cat

Las Arañas have you ever heard of Las Arañas? me neither it's un I have to go see it perfect i have never laughed our theater we got like multiple rounds of applause during it um we also saw the new nicole kidman apparently there's three new amc intros and they're all nicole and they're all nicole but apparently it's Pokemon. There's three different kinds and you don't know

which one's going to play at which movie. So that's why you're trying to get people to go. You have to catch them all. You gotta catch them all. So anyway, that's what's new with me. I can't stop thinking about it. There are so many Oscars films I have yet to see. And I saw Madame Web.

Tonight we're going to watch The Holdovers. But there are so many things that I still get to see. But instead I went and saw Madame Web. Tonight we're going to watch the holdovers, but there are so many things that I still get to see, but instead I went and saw Madame Web, and I'm glad I did. I would not change that for anything in the world. It is a masterpiece. I'm supposed to be going to see Dune 2

tonight. Dune 2? I'm so jealous. My Arrakis! Shy. Hello. The Kwisatz Hader I don't remember I rewatched the first one last night though because I was like that's what we want to rewatch the first one

if I don't rewatch this one I'll have zero and I saw it in theaters what a good fucking movie and I was like I mean I was saying it at brunch this morning yes he has friends he gets invited to brunch like i'm just like you he texted me yesterday he goes we were supposed to do 10 30 today he goes can we do 11 and then next text i want to go to brunch hey i wasn't lying was i

no i spoke my heart but i'm supposed to be seeing Dune But I wonder if I should change to Madam Web No go see Dune 2 I really want to see that I've heard it's incredible But I didn't remember I forgot it was a trilogy Oh shit I thought I was going to get Closure

And then I was like wait is it a trilogy And I looked it up and it is a trilogy And so I'm going to have to wait another three years for that final piece of the. I'm excited to hear how Elvis is in this film. Who? Elvis Presley. Is in this film? Yeah.

Who playing? Well, taking the shape of Austin Butler, but yeah. I actually didn't know Austin Butler was in it. Yes. Huh. Who does he play? This is my sand, my ruckus That was my Elvis impression

That was a good impression but not of Elvis I don't know who I don't know what it was, it was a good voice It was a good voice Mama, look at all this sand What is that, the Gom Jabari's having a seabee, huh? Let the spires flow, pretty mama. Mama, look at all this sand. What is that? The Gom Jabari's

just having to see me. Huh? Let the spas flow, pretty mama. You're back drinking coffee. Yes. You're drinking coffee again. Yeah.

And have something to say, fucker? No, I was just pointing it out. It's an iced Americano. Now, I know a lot of people will say you're a coffee snob you're a coffee snob and yet you're drinking an iced americano yeah i contain multitudes isn't that just i've never had an ice americano isn't that just espresso and water and ice water yeah that sounds fucking disgusting i find them sign like here's the problem a lot of

coffee shops in this fucking day and age are obsessed with cold brew cold brew cold brew cold brew cold brew cold brew oh my god what if we brewed it cold and and and you know what i like iced coffee i also like cold brew given the right sir but but cold brew is quite heavy yes quite kind of it has this almost like kind of um this deep woody you know this this real like almost fermented flavor sometimes and yes and and and it's not necessarily the most refreshing beverage and so the thing i like about an ice americano is that it's it's so much lighter it doesn't feel like i'm having like a milkshake which is what cold brew sometimes you know i'm not saying which is specifically what my favorite cold brew is the norland style cold brew no what's that chicory i don't fuck

with that i don't like it it's so good i don't like it is a caffeinated milkshake we haven't set an intention in a minute can i say something you need to get it right out of the gate can i say something i don't think we have to. I mean, we can today. We don't have to. I would like to set one today because it feels right. I would also like to. But I want to say, everyone who's saying you're forgetting to set an intention,

you're doing your own podcast wrong, you establish this bit, and you forget about it at least 80% of the time. No, we're not. We're choosing not to do it on those days. Because there's nothing that says that it has to be- It's free will. Ever heard of it? Have you ever heard of it? There's nothing that says that it has to be mandatory

just because you do it. There's free will. Did you know that? We didn't. Have you ever heard? Did you know that? Have you ever heard of that? Free will.

I saw it right yesterday. Did you know that? Did you know that? But it's true. It's like, have you ever considered that we could not do the What Shook Me Today if we didn't want to? We will. I don't want you to get scared.

We will do it. We could do an episode of the Joe Rogan podcast experience. What the fuck is it called? The Joe Rogan experience? The Joe Rogan podcast experience. That's right. The ride. And I could do this podcast as the Joker.

We could do the Joker. Austin Butler and the Joker. Part deux. Follet, whatever the fuck the sequel is called. Le C could do the Joker. Austin Butler and the Joker. Part deux. Follet, whatever the fuck the sequel is called. Le Cachafol. We could do Le Cachafol.

We could do the Birdcage. We could also do the musical adaptation. We don't even have to read reviews. This is our show. We could do anything we want. And so if we decide not to do a fucking intention,

most of the time, That's the intention. The intention is to not do the intention. The intention is to not do the intention. Now today's intention is a different intention. Yes. And today the intention is to not do the intention the intention is to not do the intention now today's intention is a different intention and today's intention is not not doing it today's intention I think is to be militant

militant yes I think this is going to be an incredibly I think it's going to be regimented I think it's going to be concise precise now that alph is drinking coffee again we're on the same wavelength i have i'm wearing a robe i'm

yes can i call can i call that in to the space yes why are you doing that because it's so easy like a sunday morning you added a word into that like i I'm easy. I'm wearing a robe. I'm wearing a robe. I'm still in my PJs if you can believe that. Because it's Sunday morning. Take it seriously. I do take it seriously.

Really? You're telling me I'm doing our show wrong. I can wear whatever the fuck I want. No, I didn't say that. I just said like, you know,

you kind of look like shit. And? I just worry. You know what would help brighten me up a little bit? What would brighten you up? Maybe if you're feeling a little dull. Speaking of looking like shit, if you want something that'll If you want something to help brighten you up,

change things a bit. Make people stop and stare and go, oh, that's different. Oh, that's unnatural. Well, we've got a topic for you. Sure do. Because we're talking about green food dye. Ever fucking heard of her? It's that time of year.

St. Paddy's Day is around the corner. Oh, top of the morning to you. Top of the morning to you. Top of the morning to you. Nothing screams Irish culture in America more than making foods unnaturally green. Because if anything, people know anything about Ireland, they know that all the food there is green. All of it. Nothing there is not green. Is that true? Of course. Literally every food there is

green, and that's why Americans do it. On St. Patrick's Day, they dye food green. You know, I live in Chicago. The rivers there run with dye. I was waiting for you to congratulate me. That's fine. I'm living in the greatest city in the world.

It's the greatest city in the world. it's the greatest city in the world and the greatest city in the world good morning baltimore and then um they died the whole fucking river green can you believe that so that can't be good for the water they insist that it is there's no way every year i go this can't be good for the water and i google it and the google's like no it is it's fine no way. Every year I go, this can't be good for the water. And I Google it. And the Google's like, no, it is. It's fine. No, it's actually great for it. Alf, talk to me.

Other than the river. Yes. Talk to me about green food dye. And this is green specifically. We're not just talking about food dye in general. No, no. No. And if you hear me talking about other food dye on this episode.

Hit him. Hit me. Hit him. Baby. Hit me. Two more. Hit him. Because this. Hit him. Baby. Two more. Hit him. Because this is the most militant episode ever. And if you even stray a little bit from green to any other color.

I'm going to get hit. Yep. So I don't have a lot of experience with green. I do have experience with red. Alfred. I'm kidding. I'm fucking around. I'm just fucking with you for fuck's sake

I definitely I have somewhat of a baking baking baking what's the word streak I have a baking streak in me and sometimes I like to bake

and sometimes when you're baking you want it to be a green color and so you use the dye you know what I mean I've made pancakes green you remember making green eggs and ham I remember being a child school a big exciting

day where they're like we're doing green eggs and ham today and yeah they served us up some green eggs and ham did you like yeah, they served us up some green eggs and ham. Did you like it? No. But the novelty was fun. The novelty of it. My mom on St. Patrick's Day when I was a kid, she would make me green pancakes as well.

Really? Yeah. That's really cute. Because it's like green. I feel like pancake, any kind of baking thing, that's the easiest way to put the dye in there. Green eggs and ham, like putting dye in something like that is really disgusting. Someone gives you a cake that's a tie-dye rainbow, whatever. You don't really think about it.

No. Someone gives you mashed potatoes that's bright, bright pink. You go, hang on a minute. Well, no, that's not right. Well, that's bright. Foul. Bright pink. You go, hang on a minute. Well, now that's not right. Well, that's not right. Only sweet foods can have different colors to them because they're fun and different. You try giving me a savory food

that's not the color that it was intended to be. Get that away from me. Powerful. Thank you so much. The St.rick's here are going to be dying any foods green yes i will probably be dying um banana pudding that might be good let's get into the review that do you want to start or should i one star no mccormick green food color one fluid ounce this is a little dripper bottle oh it's a little tiny guy yep this is for Betsy C

one star Betsy C Betsy Betsy Betsy Betsy come on man Fucking hell

Betsy Can you see By the dawn's early light Okay Betsy can you see By the dawn's early light One star Don't buy Hey, Betsy, can you see by the dawn's early light? One star.

Don't buy. Save your taste buds. I absolutely hate this stuff. Tastes so bad, my dog wouldn't go near it. I can't believe I was about to order a big bottle. The color is beautiful, hands down. But Lord, why make it taste so bad? The taste, the taste, the taste. And you can't return it.

Slap in the face. He's just drinking cream. The person was just eating food coloring. The taste. The taste, the taste, the taste. Slap in the face. Welcome back to America's Best Home Chef. I am your host, Randy J. Newman.

No, not that one. Today, we are joined by legendary chef to the stars. His taste buds are made of gold. He is Zeus on high. Give it up for your main judge, Tonkin B. Freebowl. That's me. How are you home chefs doing today? You look great, Tonkin.

It's such an honor to meet you. Yeah. This is kind of the best day of my life, is that crazy to say? Not at all! Well, bakers, for your first challenge, you're gonna be making a St. Patrick's Day cookie cake. Oh, how exciting is that, home chefs? But there's a twist! Oh, there always is with Tonkin B. Freebowl. You're only allowed to use ingredients you wouldn't find in a kitchen. Um, Tonkin, that sounds a little crazy, but that's who you are, Tonkin. Like, you are a crazy ass. Okay, bakers, you've got 33 minutes. Time starts now.

Okay, you're doing my job for me, Tonkin. All right. Told the network we didn't need you. I got enough charisma to land the plane, carry the ship. Tonkin, you are here as a guest chef. I will say you haven't been here for five episodes, but that's no matter. Season two is going to be the Tonkin Show. Does network know that? Because that has not been run past me, and I joined as an executive producer this season. Maybe when you're out of the loop, it's for a reason.

We're going to check in with our first home chef, Stacy Blanders. When Stacy's not here in the competition, she likes to be an amateur geologist. This is my job. Tonkin, you're just here to taste

the food. And give feedback. Yes, and my job. Tonkin, you're just here to taste the food. And give feedback. Yes, and my job is to share their backstory. All right, I'm sorry I stepped on your f***ing foot. Stacey is an amateur geologist, but when she's not looking at rocks, she's a rock star in the kitchen. Stacey, what's your favorite rock? It's got to be an onyx. That's a f***ing good, sorry, that's a good rock that yeah we gotta believe

it so stacy walk us through what you're making today your saint patrick's cookie cake using ingredients you would not find in a kitchen i'm so glad you asked um thank you so much for having me this is such an honor i love baking for my littles at home i have a two and a three year old hi kids adorable They really are. So today, I am... Names. I don't want to share that information on public television. And this is on public TV.

This is public assets. That's fair. Everybody, that's fair. So, I am making a chocolate chip cookie cake. But instead of chocolate chips, I'm using wood chips to kind of resemble that nutty flavor that chocolate can sometimes get. And I'm dyeing it green. Now, one could argue that green food dye is found in the kitchen. And it is.

But one of my nieces, she rides horses, and so she often will dye the horse tails with this food dye. So this is an ingredient that I mostly find out of the kitchen. I love that. Well, this sounds amazing. Thank you so much. I can't wait for Tonka to tell us how it tastes. Now, bringing it over to contestant number two,

we've got Richard B. Flanders. Richard, how you doing? Not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous. Don't be. I've never, I've never, well, Tonka, I've never, sir, sir, your highness, your highness. Stop. I don't need all that formality. I'm just a man of the world like you, my friend. But you're so much better than I'll ever be.

At cooking, yes. At everything. But not necessarily at being a father of two, right? Because when you're not home, you're here making, and when you are home, you're a father of two, right? Duncan, I'm not gonna lie. I've never made anything not using things from the kitchen, so

if I'm gonna be honest, I haven't even started cooking yet. Why would we have given you the challenge if you'd done it before? Well, it's like I watch things like Top Sh**, and they're like, oh, make a- Don't f***ing say that in front of me. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tonkin, take it easy. No, I'm serious.

I'm going to lose my sh** if any- Hey, note to everybody, no more Top Sh** in there. Okay, um- This isn't Top Sh**. A lot- Yeah, no, it's not. It's America's Best Amateur Home Chef. Bye.

Bye. Tonkin. Tonkin be? By? Tonkin? Tonkin B. Freeble. Tonkin B. Freeble, that's right. I actually, Tonkin, I didn't know that they added your name to the series. Yeah. That's a good option as well. Yeah, turns out the network doesn't give a shit what you think, huh?

And by the network, I do mean PBS. Uh, Tonkin, um, I don't know if you can offer, you know phone a friend or something absolutely I see I see uh my other competitor here making a cookie out of wood chips and dye and I'm a little nervous yeah I'm a little nervous I haven't started cooking yet and we've got you've got 22 minutes on the clock oh my god I've got 22 minutes to make a cookie there's nothing that there's no way it's gonna happen uh phone a friend. Okay. Well, that's actually we don't do that. No, I'll allow it. I allow it. Well, that's not fair. Can I also phone a friend? Sure. Wait, no, no. You guys only have 21 minutes and 30 seconds now. No, there's no phoning a friend.

Yeah, and if they want to burn time calling, I don't give a shit. It's a mistake. Phone a friend. What should I do? Sorry. Am I your friend? Yeah. I don't know you, chief. Well, I thought that that was implied. Do you have my phone number?

I don't have your phone number. Well, then how are you going to phone me? I thought it was implied that you would be the phone a friend. Sorry. It's called phone a friend. I'd ask a it's called phone of friend, not ask a god. Okay, fine, let me call my brother, James. Okay, ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Sorry, he's probably at work. Try him again. Okay. See if he picks up. Maybe he'll think something's wrong. Who calls two back-to-back like that? Unless something's wrong. You call your brother a lot?

We talk maybe like once a month. Oh, he'll definitely pick up if you ring twice. Let me ring a third time. Three times he's gonna pick up. Two, three. Do you have his wife's number i i uh i have his husband's number crazy for you to assume i have tonkin's gonna own that i'm gonna own that okay some of my closest friends some of my closest friends are husbands okay i'm i'm calling frank

hold on ring ring is frank your brother or his husband frank james is my brother frank is my Okay, I'm calling Frank. Hold on. Ring, ring. Is Frank your brother or his husband? Frank, James is my brother. Frank is my brother. Hello? Hey, Frank, it's me, Richard. Obviously, you probably knew that. You have my number. I need your help, and James is picking up. Are you okay? You sound really freaked out. I only have 16 minutes on the clock to do this.

That's okay. I know how he loves his bath frank how do i make a cookie cake out of things that aren't in a kitchen what do i add um play-doh maybe or uh i'm such a fucking idiot no no but you can make an edible play-doh out of cornstarch and i'm such a fucking no no i need literal play-doh no i'm such a fucking idiot i think it would still probably be in the spirit of the challenge if you do it with such a fucking hey hey hey man don't talk this girl next to me is making a cookie out of wood and that's probably not edible at all you're probably gonna i you i asked you, and within.3 seconds, you thought of Play-Doh.

I've been sitting here for nigh on 15 minutes and haven't thought of a goddamn thing. lower stakes for me. I'm just sitting in the sunroom. You know, you're out there

with all the cameras and everything. I mean, it wouldn't be so hard on yourself. I'm so stupid. Oh, I'm sorry.

Frank fell asleep in the tub again. You mean James? Sorry, yes. Sometimes we're so close to the cup, like, get ourselves together. Okay, I gotta hang up and make Play-Doh. Thank you, Frank. I love you.

Bye. I love you, too. Okay, I'm gonna... Does anyone have Play-Doh on hand? Your brother-in-law is a lot smarter than you. I know. Okay, and I will say the time is flying when you're having fun. We have three minutes left on the clock.

Home Chef's three minutes left on the clock. Let's check in with our first competitor. We haven't even talked to Stephanie. We did at first. Yeah, you did at first, and I think that my wood chip cookie cake is going to be the talk of the town. Time's up. It's time for Tonkin to taste your treats. Let's bring it over to Tonkin time.

We've got Tonkin Cam on Tonkin. Tonkin, let's try Stacy, this is your do you have a name for your creation? This is Woodland Delight. And I call it Woodland Delight because the cookie is made of wood. Yes, we know.

It's made of wood. And it's dyed green. That is clever. Thank you. I'm excited to hear wood. Yes, we know. It's made of wood. And it's dyed green. That is clever. Thank you. I'm excited to hear what you think, Tonkin. All right. Take a quarter piece. Is that all right?

Quarter piece. Of course. And you can use fork and knife, or you can just go straight with the hands. Oh, and you went straight with the hands. Chewy. Good. Meaning a lot of resistance So not chewy then

Earthy Crunchy So is it chewy or not because you said you're getting a lot of resistance Uh cake Yep Okay Um Can I be honest with you

I wish you would That is one of And I've tasted a lot of shit cooking in my life. Oh, God. That is one of the best cookie cakes made out of something you wouldn't find in a kitchen. You're lying. You're lying. You're going to get a Tonkin Tunk for that. What?

Hollywood has his handshake thing. I'm trying to do the Tonkin Tug. So I'm going to hold out my finger, and you're going to pull it. No. No, Tonkin, we don't need anyone to get a Tug. Nobody gives up. You're literally only here because you can't be fired easily. Tonkin, no one needs a Tonkin tug.

No, it's deeply inappropriate. Why is it inappropriate? It's my finger. You can't ask contestants to tug you. Hollywood does it. No, Hollywood gives a handshake. He's not asking for a handy. It's not a Hollywood handy. That's disgusting. He's a handshake. He's not asking for a handy. It's not a Hollywood handy.

That's disgusting. You can't be asking for a talking tug. He's a national treasure. I'm just going to... I appreciate it, and thank you so much. I don't need the tug. Thank you. Okay.

You see? How easy was that? Richard, did you get the Play-Doh, by the way? You had three minutes left. Thank you so much for asking. At the end of the day, Play-Doh was not readily available on this set. What does he mean, at the end of the day um play-doh was not readily available what does he mean at the end of the day i mean like at the end of the day like in the past three minutes i was

not able to acquire had 33 minutes not a whole day i'm saying that because oh my god we all were here we all saw what a super fucking time to try no you know i don't even tell you what it is yet oh what is it what i have presented for you is a couple of Bic pens from some of the PAs behind the camera. And I kind of put that on a plate. And so, that is, in lieu of Play-Doh, here are some

pens, though. What? It's not Play-Doh, but they're pens, though. But they're pens, though? I don't... That's the name of my dish. It's not Play-Doh, but they're pens, though. But they're pens, though? I don't... That's the name of my dish. It's not Play-Doh. I can't believe it's not Play-Doh.

It's pens, though. I could think of a better pun, like, in 30 seconds. You give me 30 seconds. Okay, well, then do it. Okay. I call this dish Play don't ask don't tell because you don't want to ask what's in because it's pens

god I'm such a stupid fucking idiot play don't stop me pen these are both better than yours actually I thought that their pens though is most like Pen. These are both better than yours.

Actually, I thought that their pens, though, is most, like, sounds most similar to its Play-Doh. But their pens, though, like... I don't know. Just try it. Cut to the talking hand. Okay. Metallic. Hurts my mouth. Hurts my throat Yeah

Thick, too thick Too thick with ink You don't have to eat the whole thing, Tonkin You just need to take a little taste You know on Top Chef they only actually take a little bit of a bite each time I was crystal clear About no more chefs Other than Tonkin You actually just said no Top Chef You didn't say more chefs other than Tonkin.

You actually just said no top chef. You didn't say no chefs other than Tonkin. Either way, you broke the rule. That's what you fucking sound like. Either way, you broke the rule. Oh, I'm Tonkin. Oh, I'm gonna come into PBS. I'm gonna take over the whole fucking shebang.

I'll give you a Tonkin tug. This is like who you are. Why were you doing over the whole fucking shebang. I'll give you a Tonkin Tug. Dude, this is like who you are. Why were you doing that the whole time? Because I sound like a Neanderthal. Because you're a Neanderthal. Why are you pronouncing it like that? Like what? Neanderthal.

Is that not how it's pronounced? No, it's Neanderthal. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, who's the's Neanderthal. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, who's the fucking Neanderthal now? Me. Yeah. Anyway, James,

I need the ER because of your... James is my brother's name. My name is Richard. You're forgettable. You're, you have poison. And this is poison. All right. Well, thank you so much for another

Oh wait, Tonkin, just really quick before we put you in the ambulance. Who's the winner? It's the girl. Hers didn't make me sick. Oh my god. Thank you. What I win, what I win. You get to have a private tutoring.

Oh, I don't want that. Fair enough. You see, she gets to decide. Thank you. We'll catch you guys next week. This has been PBS Presents America's Best Amateur Home Chef. What's it called when you have internal bleeding on the outside? External bleeding.

I have that. Honkin' be free. Where did that name come from? What on earth? Where did that, where did you pull that from? It doesn't matter. Let's do another review. this is for mccormick culinary green food coloring 16 fluid ounce 116 fluid ounce bottle green liquid food coloring add vivid colored cakes

cookies icing and more it is specifically designed for sweet treats oh it's specifically designed for sweet treats. Oh, it's specifically designed for sweet treats? Sweet treats. Not savory, huh? Not savory, no. This is five stars from Andree. No last name. Okay. And reading for the role of Willy Wonka

is Timothee Chalamet. And reading for the role of Willy Wonkaka is timothy chalamet five stars the title is instant green lawn central texas countless hundred degree plus days and water rations i use this on my lawn no wow giggling over my green grass i'm not worried about rain parentheses that's the word for when water falls from the sky, right? It's been so long. End parentheses. Washing it away. Yes, the turf is still

crunchy, but no one knows. Oh, for the very yellow grass from errant canines, use the blue dye. Throw that one more time at me, that last sentence. Oh, for the very yellow grass from errant canines, use the blue dye. So for the patches of grass that the dogs pissed on, use blue dye.

Yes, to make it green. Because the blue plus the yellow is going to make the grass. How are you applying it? Well, and reading for the role of Willy Wonka's Timothy Chalamet didn't specify that. How do you imagine? I would imagine that they... Paintbrush? That's really interesting.

I would imagine that I wonder if they're putting it in a spray bottle. That is interesting. Or they may just be dumping it over the grass. That's my fear, is the dumping. Yeah. I think a sleeper pick of my favorite part of the review is the parentheses, that's what it's called when water falls from the sky, right? It's been so

long. That's so fucking annoying. They are dying the grass. And can I be honest? That wasn't the first review I saw for someone dying the grass with it. Seriously? Yes. and then a lot of people being like just use paint no yes yes to is this i'd be so curious uh podcats are any of you out there using green food coloring on your lawns and if you are painting

what can i do to make you stop if If you are, please don't do it. Just use plants that are native to the part of the world that you live in. If you live in a part of the world that is a literal desert, maybe don't have a luscious green grass. Maybe get some cacti or turf if you're so wedded to the idea. But I love that they're like, everybody's none the wiser. The grass is just like an obscene shade of like cartoon green.

And it's like, and no one will ever know. Two ants sitting on the ground. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, Dale. Oh, Jim, another day, another dollar.

You know, we do what we do for the queen because we love her, you know? God, and do we ever love her? Can we talk about how she is like, God, how old is she now? What? 30? now? What? 30? 30? 30?

30? She doesn't look a day over 20. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous. I'd die for her. I'd die for her too. She could lead me anywhere, tell me to do anything. I'd die for her.

Yeah. And that's why we do what we do. You know, I don't want to, to you know put the cart before the horse but i did hear that there's some uh some kid dropped a pbj over uh by the um uh you're lying by the water feature i'm gonna check it out later i'm gonna check it out i heard i heard you hear that did you hear that from from bill yeah yeah build a beetle build a beetle's always making up shit though like i feel like he I heard some rumors. Did you hear that from Bill? Yeah, Bill the Beetle. Bill the Beetle's always making up shit, though. I feel like he often will say that, and then we go, and he meets us there, and he goes,

gotcha! I don't disagree. Remember when he said the bag of Lays was dropped a couple weeks ago? But he wasn't wrong. You remember the ice pop? He wasn't wrong about that. There was an ice pop. There was an ice pop, but I think that's why people are so quick to believe him, is because he was right that one time. And he's really using that as leverage it's been a slow day

like i'm not you know it'll take us what about a two three hours to walk over there i'm not concerned you know i mean if we show up and there's nothing there there's nothing there we walk back you know not it's not that there's nothing there it's it's whatever it's more that it's just like, it's embarrassing. Right, that you go, I don't want to be at Bill's beck and call, you know? No, but, you know, he, you know. What? Well, I just mean he's, you know,

he's a Beatle. What do you mean? Oh, come on, Bill. I, no, you come on, Jim. What are you talking about? I'm just saying in the, you know, in the. In the kingdom of the lawn or whatever you want to call it, there's, you know, there's a pecking order and we're we're ants. So.

Oh, come on. Don't you always. This is what you always do. You lower yourself so much. Don't be like we're ants. We're ants. We're ants. ants we're not not we're ants we're ants dude we are strong we are sturdy we are many he's about 11 times my size he's so massive don't he is massive he's a massive prick he's a massive prick don't disagree right massive prick. Don't disagree. Right.

So don't like, I'm so sick of you always like making yourself small compared to him. Buddy, we're ants. Stop saying it like that. Hey, repeat after me. Repeat.

Hey, take the, take the stance. Take the, the confidence stance. Take the confidence Superman pose. Get up on your hind legs. Stand up.

Put your tiny little arms on your body. And say, I'm an ant, motherfucker. I'm an ant, mother. Come on. You know I don't like. Okay, fine. You can modify it because I know you don't like to swear. Say, I'm an ant, okay?

I'm an ant, okay? I'm an ant, okay? No, come on, really mean it. I'm an ant, okay? I'm an ant, okay? I really want you to mean it. Come on, I'm an ant, okay? I'm an ant, okay? Oh, fuck. Well, look at what we got here. Oh fuck

Well look at what we got here A couple of Oh I'm an ant Okay Hey boys how's it going All the way down there How's the weather down there Oh come on man

Yeah we're all in the same Kingdom of the lawn okay so why don't you just pack it up with that yeah oh I just wanted to come have you guys heard

the good news I don't know if you heard there's a little PB&J about three hours away across the lawn but I don't see you guys over you know taking the munch

taking the crunch out of it it's crunchy peanut butter by the way I know that's y'all's favorite hey man if it's really crunchy then that's y'all's favorite. Hey man, if it's really crunchy, then that's, you know. He's saying that because he knows that it's going to get us to go over there. Don't believe

a word he says. Remember, I'm an ant, okay? I'm an ant, okay? Yeah. What's that? What's that? Sorry. He's so far down there. I can't hear you very well. No, I mean, it's not that we're not going to go and look at it it's just that for right now we're okay here actually and and and oh you're okay right yeah yeah i'm i'm an

ant okay and i and i heard that there's what's that i said i'm an ant okay and there's a um there's there you know i heard actually there's a soft serve on the sidewalk over there. So maybe you should check that out. You heard there's a soft serve on the sidewalk. Caterpillar. Oh, yeah. Who'd you hear that from? Caterpillar told me. Oh, you think Casey Caterpillar is going to be sharing that information with you?

Why not? We're close. That's not what she told me last night, if you know what I mean. You guys can't do that. You're different. Do you think they really do that? You are the most gullible guy I've ever met. I'm just saying, I've only got eyes for the queen, man.

I don't know what the other species do. I don't know. You are so insecure. I'm not insecure. You know, I didn't hear anything about a soft serve from Casey, but I did hear about the PB&J. One, I saw it with my own eyes, but the person who told me about it was none other than your queen. There's no way you talked to the queen.

There's no way that you talked to the queen. You didn't talk to the queen, ass. You didn't. There's no way she would never talk to you. What'd you just call me? I called you a big ass. Because that's what you're being bill i know you didn't talk to the queen nobody can talk to her she's like a meter and a half underground

there's no way you went in there called me a big ass soldiers didn't let you in there there's no fucking way yeah oh yeah now he's a big man using big, strong words. Oh, shit. Okay. You're an ant, okay? Then why don't you, me, when the sun hits the house on the horizon. Dale, I cannot fight him. He is literally ten times my size. Oh, if you're an ant, okay, and I'm a big ass, then why did you come and punch me in the mouth?

Maybe I will. When the sun hits the horizon? I can't tell time. Yeah, okay. Beetle. Great. I'll invite the queen. I'll invite your whole colony so they can see what a big guy you are.

Yeah, no, invite the queen. And while you're at it, why don't you see if you could get a... Come on, Jim, just say anything. Well, oh, if you're going to invite the queen, why don't you see if you can maybe get your caterpillar girlfriend to come? Since you're always having inner species and he's gone relations with each other

I'm an ant okay cut to a meter underground um by royal decree I present unto the queen a royal invitation there will be a battle between

Jim the Ant and Bill the Beetle when the sun hits the horizon this evening. What's this, little one? You dare bother the queen? No, your highness. Your majesty, I am only here

to tell you that there is a big jousting, battle brawl, cage fight, whatever it may be this evening. And Bill has invited you specifically, Your Majesty. Bill the Beetle? The very same. That guy is a prick. Well, we all know this to be so, Your Majesty, but even so, Jim the Ant has challenged him to a fight. Who?

Jim, one of your many loyal soldiers. I've never heard that name. Well, he loves you a great deal, Your Majesty, and it would be an honor to him if you could watch him fight and very well die. Well, I haven't left my underground palace in a few years. Could be good to get out. Plus, I would love to see that Bill get his box punched in, if you know what I mean. Get his card punched. I don't know what I meant by the You won't tell people that will you

Of course not Your majesty I guess what I meant was You know the thing I said next The card punched Not his box punched That doesn't make sense first of all And it didn't feel good either

So I would like to take that Stenographer Yes first of all and it didn't feel good either so I would like to take that stenographer yes could you strike that it's so embarrassing strike the whole conversation just in case burn it or whatever so the history books will not remember the battle

between Jim and Bill just summarize just leave out any of the specific stuff I said about you saying Bill should get his pots punched the Otter Pop rapper was a couple weeks ago. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not too far. What time? In about five hours' journey. Okay, what time?

When the sun hits the house on the left side of the street on the horizon. If we leave now, we can make it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Cut to, like everyone All of the critters Of the kingdom of the lawn Are there

I'm an ant, okay Knock knock Hey man, I'm not sure I can do this Well, you're gonna have to Because every subject From the kingdom of the lawn Is here to watch you get your ass kicked. No way. Come on, just see me fight Build-A-Beetle. The Queen is here.

Are you fucking serious? I'm serious. She came all this way, so... Okay, okay. Um, do I, do I look okay? I mean, you look scared shitless, but that seems pretty natural for a moment like this. Okay. Um. Hey, if you don't make it out of there alive, which no one thinks you will, I just want to let you know you've been such a great friend to me these past few years and I love you. Well, I love you too.

And you're an aunt. Okay. Don't forget. Yeah, I'm an aunt. Okay. You can lift like many, many times your body size. So don't forget that. Yes.

I've never tried. Well, how would you know that you couldn't lift a beetle however many times your sides if you never tried that's a good point hey thanks man i good luck just want to say like you know a lot of guys wouldn't you know wouldn't stick out their neck for me before and you did yeah and that means like a lot so i don't remember doing that i think i was telling you to not fight him and that's not what happened at all you you goaded me into it if i die today it's on your hands no you can't put that on me i'm not you were the one who called him a big ass yes you. You said you're a big ass, which I did not tell you to say. And you said, you gotta fight him. You gotta fight him. Nope.

Don't put that on me. If you die, it's by your own doing. Okay, whatever, man. I love you. Love you, too. Good luck. Welcome, welcome, all loyal subjects of the kingdom of the lawn. Everyone, please bow and pay your respects to the queen.

Oh, settle down, settle down. I don't need all this hullabaloo. I'm just here to see a good spar. The queen, the queen, the queen, the queen. Now, may I present the challengers. From the kingdom of, rather the queendom of the ants, Thank you. Jim!

Thank you. And from the land of the beetles, Pew! Oh, hey, your majesty, so nice to see you. Thank you for coming out. You're looking gorgeous this evening. I don't really know him. It's just one. Stenographer, can you put that in the record? i i don't i don't really know him it's just one can stenographer can you put that in the record i really don't know this guy yeah you don't know

him and you want him to get his but that's the one you want his box to get punched hey hey hey we spoke about that all right come on i'm just double checking that that's the very same just i hey quick reminder. I could get another stenographer pretty quickly. I have a lot. You got it, your majesty. Okay. Thank you.

Now, if the challengers would shake hands before the fighting commences. Well, you didn't announce the other one. I said Jim the ant. Well, you didn't get a whole thing like the other guy did. He did. I said Jim from the land of the queendom of the ants. It's Jim. I just feel like this whole thing's rigged.

I don't know. I feel bad for the little guy. I'll redo it. Okay, we've got Bill. And then we've got from the queendom of the ants. Oh, here we go. Jim! Okay, here we go.

Jim, pay your respects to your queen. Um, hello your majesty Um You know, a friend of mine once said Um You could do anything Cause you're an ant Motherfucker

And Everyone gasps I just wanna say Um Whether I live or die today, it's all for you. Who, me? Big laugh. Thank you, Jim.

Kills everybody. Thank you, Jim. I hope you live. But if you don't, I'll make sure, and stenographer, no, I'll make sure you go to state funeral. State funeral for the little guy. Got it. Okay.

So we're gonna be doing sort of classic house rules for this fight. No weird stuff. No below the belt, okay? Queensberry rules! Yes, I think we've all Seen enough You know recently

I'm looking at you Lenny Lenny the grasshopper You were You were quite weird When you get in there Why are you on a Why are you on a

I know But you have a pension For punching folks in the dick And I think that's rude But yeah so I think we all You got it Your majesty

No weird stuff. We're going to win three rounds or to the death, whichever happens first. I have a feeling I know where that'll be. Okay, so on your marks, get steady, fight. Bill just turns around. He just leans back and falls on top of Jim with his shell. Oh. Oh, my. That was quite.

Oh, shit. Come on, Jim. Come on, Jim. You see. Get him. Get him, Jim. He suddenly. Well, we may have to call it the death of Jim.

Hang on. Hang on. Let's give the little guy a chance. Oh, gosh, this was one of the shortest fights I ever did. All of a sudden you see Bill's body start to shake. Whoa, what the fuck? What the hell's going on? Oh, God. Oh, no. Jim the Ant bursts out of his chest. He's burrowed through him.

Yeah. And you are an ass. What now, huh? Who's next, motherfuckers? My, my. He's got quite the fight in him. Should we do our last segment? I suppose.

Shook me all week long. All week long. Yeah, shook me all week long. Oh, my god. That and Horse Cotillion are in the same world. They exist in the same universe. They're happening just a few meters from each other. Alf, what's been shaking your big ass?

Beg your pardon? I'm begging your pardon? I'm begging your pardon. I'm begging for it. I'm begging for your pardon. Elizabeth and I went to a place called Brooklyn Charm in Ventura. They have one in Ventura, one in Brooklyn, if you can believe it. New York?

And yeah, saw it on TikTok. It's a really cutie little place where you can make your own charm, bracelets, necklaces, jewelry, whatever. They have like thousands of charms. That's good for you. And I took her there for her birthday. It was a belated birthday present. Her birthday's in December and it's March. Quite belated. But we had a blast. We made charm necklaces and it took us like an hour just to look through all the charms. Um,

but it was so much fun. We had a blast and I, it's going to be my new personality. This necklace. I love it a lot. And we're just girls. I think it's really good. I think you really needed that.

a new personality. Well, no, just, you know, that specifically, um, ask me why,

ask me why, ask me why, why? Cause you're charmless. Got it. Well, now I'm not. And, uh. Ask me why. Why? Because you're charmless. Got it. Well, now I'm not. And I love it. Boom.

Boom. Punched her box. Punched her box. What's been shaking you? It was a quick one for me. Yeah. And I love when it's that. For me, what has been shaking me is so crazy. I don't even know if I can talk about it on the podcast.

Okay. Because it's so real, and I'm not trying to think about it. Literally anything, babe. I know, babe. Oh, you know what it is? A few weeks ago, we had the hilarious Matt Abedaga on the show. Uh-huh. Host of Get Played.

Uh-huh. Go listen to it. It's a great podcast. Uh-huh. Did you get Zelda? We had a conversation about my Nintendo Switch. For a little Nintendo bitch. All right.

Strike that. No, no. And I... Friend little Nintendo bitch. All right. Strike that. No, no. And I was like... I was like humming and harring. Humming and harring? What the fuck? Well, he was humming and harring. I don't know.

Hemming and harring. I was hemming and harring. Humming and harring. He's humming and harring. You're a hummingbird, Harry. You're a hummingbird, Harry. And... humming and harring he's humming and harring you're humming you're hummingbird Harry um and fucking Christ

and uh I uh was like should I do Breath of the Wild or should I do Tears of the Kingdom and which should I do first I don't know I just spat it was like Poseidon calling forth

A wave from my mouth That was vile You are humming and harring And I was Humming and harring And I ultimately did decide to get breath of the wild i was like i think that's the right choice i was like i'm patient i've never played a zelda before in my life i hadn't either until breath of the wild and i'm loving it it's so much fun yeah it's awesome and and and i and i haven't looked up anything. I googled anything. I was like, I'm just going to experience it.

Good. And I'm, yes, I'm confused. Yes, quite a lot of the time. You're drooling again. I'm drooling. What do you think is happening? Do you think I'm like having a reaction? Is that what it is?

I can't breathe. I'm just so much liquid from my mouth. As you're saying, I'm very confused. I'm very confused. I can barely get a word out without drool. It's like, you know when you go to the dentist and they like numb your mouth? That's how I feel right now. I was like, oh, whoa, whoa.

What on earth? What on earth? Remember last week when you tried to drink water and it just came out. I just poured it on my fucking body. You know what I think that was? I think I was looking at the Zoom and I was trying to gauge. Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. Just use your fucking mouth.

Why are you using your eyes to drink water? Well, I'm glad you're loving but i love zelda beautiful game it's a lot of fun um and if you guys have like can i ask one question about it okay the weapons yeah they're always falling apart yes it's like it's a way to get around that babes you're gonna have to keep playing okay but there is a way to get around that? Babes, you're going to have to keep playing. Okay. But there is a way to get around that. I think it's like a specific kind of one. They just wear. Wear and tear.

But can I repair them? No, you get new ones. Because I get so tired. I'm like, oh, this is a good sword. Three Bobokins later. What are they called? You're my little Bobokin. What are they called?

Bob Goblins? Bokoblin. Bokins later. What are they called? You're my little Bobokin. What are they called? Bob Goblins? Bokoblin. Bokoblin. You can find Alfred and his drool on Instagram. Yeah, I'm going to be doing... Make sure to go give me a follow, guys, because there's a lot of drool-based content coming. A lot of mukbangs coming.

There's a lot of... It's a new thing I'm trying. It's an invisible mukbang. So it's just going to be me drooling and eating food that's not there. Just soaking wet mouth over a bowl of invisible shrimp.

Green eggs and ham. You can follow Alf on Instagram at alfredandtheshow on Instagram at reviewreview, reddit r slash reviewreview and headgum discord reviewreview and patreon.com slash rileyandjet for Jeffrey James and Riley Antpaugh Zardes. Jeffrey James. And you can follow

Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley Anspaugh and on twitter.com now known as xxxxxxxxxx.com for as long as it lasts

at Riley Coyote News we say every single week of the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it I'm an ant okay

we'll see you guys next week I'm an ant okay bye I'm an ant okay bye come on in here Come on in here. Come on in here. Alf and Riley read reviews.

What will you hear? What will you hear? Reviews for psychics and the zoos. Alfie is an ancient man and Riley is a baby girl. They chat so much shit it'll set your head to whirl. Somehow you'll listen every week. Alfie, come on along, come on along Why don't you join the Patreon?

Cause they need cash, they need it fast So tell your dad and tell your mom And if you wanna hear some skilled accent work Well, that's too bad Come on in here, come on in here Alvin Reilly Read Reviews That was a Hidgum Original.