Review Revue - Halloween Candy

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

Alf and Reilly are back to read reviews on Halloween candy.This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Times have changed. And we've done novelty socks. And since Bartwell's got the chops. We'll walk to the target shop if today any shop they should try to stem instead of heading to the target shop if alfred's axe had chopped their hand in olden days a glimpse of ev heavens was looked on as something holy. Good heavens, God knows anything goes. Good improv we once knew better words now only use for letter words. Spanking ass, lusting for rats.

If driving horses you like If orchards you like If thrift stores you like If ghost tours you like If Adam West you like Or Ralph Undressed you like Well, nobody will outpost When every evening the zoom and speeding is intruding

At noon there's parties and studios Anything goes Everything is intruding at Nuna's parties and studios. Anything goes. Welcome to this old-fashioned episode of Review Review. So that was a parody of Anything Goes called Owl of Bardwell Goes. Holy shit. That was from Riley. R-I-L-E-Y.

Oh, the correct pronunciation. That was like really, nope. The correct pronunciation. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling.

Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling. Spelling.

Spelling. Spelling. That was really, I think my favorite part is the key change into the chorus. Riley says, hello, please enjoy my mangling of this classical Porter tune. I thought that was perfect. I thought that was fantastic. In olden days

a glimpse of stacking went down and down and down. I really love how it went from like the da da da da if Alfred Barlow ever did it. If Alfred Barlow ever did it. Listen, speaking of Anything Goes, the other night, as I want to do,

I was on YouTube and I was just going through classic, like watching Tony performances from years gone by and watching musical theater videos. And I made Daniel watch, I think it's 2012, 2011, 2012 Tonys when Sutton Foster was in Anything Goes and they did Anything Goes at the Tonys. And it's just so good. It's so good. I remember seeing a student theater production of Anything Goes my freshman year at Boston University.

Uh-huh. Alma mater. university um uh-huh alma mater um and i just remember during like one of the huge tap sequences there being this one girl who looked so miserable and like she didn't want to be there and it was so funny because she was killing the choreo like everyone just like absolutely miserable doing it deadpan like that's awesome i really love that i love that the booms of stocking was looked on as something shocking i really love that that's cool um it's a great show alfred riley what's new with you you you do not want to record today children you literally like you do not we hopped on zoom and alice like oh did we have to record i know and we do we simply must no why don't you want to record today is it because you're mad at me yes it's because i

don't like you um uh no i think honestly the reason I don't want to record today is that I am sleepy. And I went on a big walk this morning. And I kind of didn't, I didn't plan my day well. And, you know, I just think. How did you not plan your day well? You ever wake up at seven in the morning no and you blink and it's noon and you go what happened hillary rodham clinton what happened what happened and i and that was a day today like today like that but it's not we're not riley listen we're

not here to talk about uh you didn't even ask me how I'm doing. What the fuck? I don't terribly care. I know you don't particularly care. How are you? How are you? Wait, no, sorry. What's new with you?

Shut up. What's new? What's new with me? I went to one of my friends, one of our friends. Oh, okay. Now I know this story's a lie she hosted a little um a little fall feast at her apartment her new apartment newish apartment last night and it there was one of her friends is an amazing um she makes like beautiful grazing table like charcuterie boards oh that shit was gorgeous and delicious it was an

entire that's for i've seen it on like tiktok and instagram and stuff like that but i've actually never been in person with a big old grazing table like literally every inch of this table was covered with a little snack and like they had little mini like jars of honey with like the little honey um and your winnie the pooh ass was just there fucking it was sticking your proboscis into it like my wallace and i was on my wallace and grandma shit last night the amount of cheese i had daniel oh my god i was pounding that cheese what kind of cheese were we talking i was just i mean there was a lot but mama i was going to town on that cheddar i was going i was i was drizzling it in honey if it ain't, cheese. So I am all cheesed up.

Oh my God. Oh, and you know I paid for that this morning. I had all the cheese last night. Oh my. I'm not even lactose intolerant. And then I had 16 ounce of cold brew today. Okay. So you know that my tummy was not happy.

Right, right. The equivalent of drinking a pint of vinegar and then a snort thing of baking soda. Yeah, I guess. Yeah yeah in many ways yes it was kind of like a volcano experiment paper mache yeah um but worth it that cheese was delicious um so i'm good i'm all cheesed up i have so much dairy in my body or it goes not anymore but we're not here to talk about um my eating habits so we're not here to talk about my eating habits so we're not here to anymore um we're here to talk about dairy we're talking about scary dairy we're here to talk about what if you exclusively refer to milk chocolate as scary dairy well of course i was eating some scary dairy oh my god

my favorite candy a little bit of scary dairy uh we're talking about halloween candy specifically like scary dairy also sounds like a drag queen from madison wisconsin or from northern ireland please welcome to the first day scary dairy um it's a drag queen whose whole thing is ireland in the 60s and 70s there is a local drag queen uh here in chicago dairy queen spelled d-e-r-r-y queen she's she irish look now you're asking questions i just simply don't know the answer to but she's very very funny she could be irish american um hey uh aren't we all no um some people aren't turns out um turns out we're talking about some scary dairy we're talking about halloween candy we're talking

about the assorted mix bags let me ask you a question at your your cvs your walgreens your target yes this is important to me the question about. Okay. I want you to tell me your favorite Halloween candy from when you were like 10 and then now. Is yours going to be something weird? No, mine isn't going to be hot banana, hot banana in a dead rat. The scariest of all candy, corpse. No, it's going to be fucking something normal. Okay, so when I was a kid, I think it... Fruit leather, just say fruit leather.

No, no, no, no, I think it might have been Twix. I think little mini Twix was like that was king and now um we actually have a bowl of halloween candy downstairs now i mean listen you gotta love a reeses especially i don't know why the pump quote-unquote pumpkin reeses they're thicker they're thicker the shape is just better it tastes better they're softer they're thicker they're the same yes but it's just better the same is true of the bunnies the bunnies are better yes exactly um and i love a reese's but it's like i have one reese's and like that's it for me because it's so rich it's so sweet because you're allergic to peanuts

you have to go to the hospital i have one reason my throat closes so that's kind of but um god i love a kit kat yeah i could take a break. I could pound those. So right now for me, it's got to be a Kit Kat because I could just go to town on Kit Kat. So what that is interesting to me is that it's like it seems like you've always been a chocolate person. I love chocolate. I mean, you know me. I have my Chippy Men. I have my chocolate chips out the bag.

I love a Twix. I mean, and then I think where the Twix to Kit Kat Pipeline is that it's like some kind of like cookie or wafer element in there that isn't too sweet. So it's like you're getting, it's a texture. It's like you're getting a mix of textures. Like I wouldn't go for, I was never, I mean, listen, a little mini bite-sized like Snickers that's pretty yeah that's awesome that's pretty good but like I would never go for like a bar of Snickers because it's too much it's a lot of soft and chewy the nougat the nougat is overwhelming yeah I like I never liked a Milky Way right I mean that's all nougat and I never liked my god Three musketeers get out of here that's nasty stuff

I mean that truly is all nougat what about you what was then versus now you see then for me was a type of candy we haven't even talked about which is butterfinger? no no you see you're still thinking about chocolate is the kind of

true made in a lab candy where like are you gonna do like like literally like the just it's just viscous like goo that's in a test tube when you drink it because i remember having one of those when i was a kid and i'm like i think i hate it yes i know so probably for me king was dots if i went halloween i know i said is it gonna be something weird and you're like no not at all well okay. It's not going to be anything weird. Okay, pushing back slightly. I do think in the pantheon of weird shit that I eat,

dots is like the most normal thing I've ever said. No, but it so checks out that it's not like Butterfinger. It's not Twix. It's not Reese's. Your favorite candy was fucking dots. They're always stale. No, sometimes they're fresh. Fresh dots. You're nasty delicious grum drop gum drops for me and grum drops you're nasty i love grum okay so if it was

okay professor r it was dots then and what is it now is it baby bottle pop no not baby bottle pop Bottlepop? No, not Baby Bottlepop. Do you remember the jingle? Baby Bottlepop. Baby Bottlepop. Lick it, suck it, or crunch it. Lick it, suck it, or crunch it. What is your favorite candy now? You say really lick it, suck it, or crunch it. No, well, the thing I was going to say is when I was a kid, I was a big fan of Twizzlers. Are you kidding me?

Every time I went to the cinema as a child, it wasizzler city twizzlers twizzlers you are like your chemical makeup of your body is rare you're one of the rare honey that's why i take antidepressants but no i do i was big into the synthetic nerds rope holy hell you give me a nerd's rope the world is my oyster now that of course i've matured um my palate my palate has evolved and you eat semi-thawed hot banana your palate has not my palate has become more fucked than ever ever oh my god i cannot talk i cannot talk i've stumbled over like every other i think i'm dehydrated I have this enormous water bottle I need to chug. Drink it out of the side of your mouth. Do it.

Oh, no. People don't even know about that because this is an audio medium. In addition to eating random horrible things, I also drink water in an odd way. You're a weird guy. But now it's got to be probably Twix. Probably Twix. Chocolate is king for me now. Things like Starbursts or Sour Skittles, you know, that were kind of everything to me at 10 make my teeth hurt.

And they make my head hurt. And so, yeah, for me now I just loved when people would give out like toothbrushes would you ever trade would you do like you get your candy haul and then you do a trade just with my brother but yes we would yeah I would do it with my stepbrothers

because I was obsessed with a candy with the dots and for me it was like I would give you what? with dots I was obsessed with a candy with the dots that what with dots you just you i was obsessed again with the dots that's literally what you sounded like that was that was some meredith marks like the rumors about her and her husband are you talking about my bathtub again okay dracula are you talking about my bathtub um that was a slight on my marriage and my tub. No, I...

Yeah, so I would trade anything. You know what used to piss me off? You know what really grinds my gears? Is Tootsie Rolls. Oh, I could get down with a Tootsie Roll. Oh, they're nothing. Not anymore, but when I was a kid, for sure. You know, I would eat them, of course, when I was a kid because they were candy, but they're nothing.

Yeah. What do you mean they're nothing? They're nothing to me. What do you mean? Like, if I had the, what's his name? Fucking Dracula from the Marvel movies. The big purple one. Thanos.

Dracula from the Marvel movies? Thanos with the glove. If I had that, my snap would be getting rid of... It's fascinating to watch somebody... It's like, who thought that a migraine was contagious? But watching you now... You are exhausting. I am exhausted.

I said, people don't know that I was in a sweat lodge. I was in a sauna for 14 hours this weekend. I don't want to get into that. So when I'm thinking about assorted mix art, so I went into Target the other day to get Halloween candy for a little evening I was hosting at our apartment. That makes it sound so fucking weird. They have bags now.

So it's like I just got a bag that was like reese's and kit kats yeah that's what the people want that's what the people want there are bags that are just like the sour candy there was a bag that was like hundreds and thousands almond joy and three musketeers or something like that that is foul that bag is a crime now you know what I will say and haters can hate me all they want for this. It's true. To this day you give me a cow tail. What the fuck is that? You give me a cow tail.

All my gas station kids know what I'm talking about. Fucking cow tails are the best. What is that? You know what a cow tail is. I do. That's why I'm asking. It's basically like a big soft chewy caramel stick filled with sugar flour. And they're always like at the checkout of gas stations and they're like a nickel and they're fucking delicious. And I could eat a cow tail every day for the rest of my life and never get sick of them.

You need to go to a doctor. Because you've got the ooey gooey delicious caramel on the outside. Alf, what's the, we need to go to a doctor. Because you've got the ooey gooey delicious caramel on the outside. We need to set an intention. Honestly, I think this intention needs to be interventions. This is going to be the most intervened episode ever. Because you need to be seen. Yes, I do. Well, and I do need to be seen.

That's kind of one of my many compulsions. But no, probably by a doctor would be sound. It's going to be the most intervention episode i'm not gonna fight you on that okay because i've been through an intervention i know i know i shouldn't fight you on that let's take away and we'll come back with some intervention some intervening reviews and scenes for halloween candy we'll be right back. so we're back alf made a great point that we've never once did what i just did of like we'll be right back to do some reviews and scenes. Like we've never talked about what we're going to do.

What if we started every episode by going. That was really weird. Well, come back to the review review podcast where every week we take the quirkiest, like we take the weirdest and wackiest reviews from all over the internet and turn them into improvisational comedy. And spin it into gold.

We spin webs of crime. Alf, would you like to start or should I? Do you ever have a hot brain? Dude, you literally, I cannot stress this enough, you need to go to your primary care doctor. A what? Oh my God.

Do you want me to start? You should start. Okay. So this is, what is this? This is for Halloween candy variety pack of Lifesaver gummies, Skittles, two kinds of Skittles, and Starburst.

Lifesaver gummies are medicinal. They are, okay. So it's a 300 pack. It's like there's 300 pieces of candy in there, so it says. So this is one star from Karen. You get to give Karen a 300 pack. It's like there's 300 pieces of candy in there. So it says. So this is one star from Karen. You get to give Karen a last name. There's no initial.

It's just Karen Blank. No, I don't know. Because this is on the Target website. So I don't know if they do last names in here. So just Karen. It's going to be Karen. Karen. Karen.

Karen. Karen for the world. Karen for the world. Karen for the world. Like Karen. No, I got it. One star. The title is false advertising. Only 185 packs. Here we go. False advertising. The bag and the product page shows 300 snack size packages. However, it only came with 185 packages of candy and 125 individual Starburst candies. So glad I didn't wait till Halloween night to open the bag. I will be returning this to my store.

Oh my God. It reminds me of like, you know, the kid who does the science fair project, which is like, I bought 1500 bags of M&Ms and I figured out what percentage were red, what percentage were blue. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like that kid grows up and it's still kind of. Yeah. What's wild also, 185 plus 125 is 310. So she's actually getting more than what the bag suggests. The bag does suggest 300, but she's upset.

The fact that she counted every single thing in the bag is wild and was unhappy with what she got. Also, the photo attached, all of the Starbursts, the individually wrapped Starbursts, are all the good flavors. It's all of the different kinds of reds and pinks. And to you, those are the good flavors. You're weird. I bet you like the yellow ones yeah of course i do they taste like toilet cleaner um but yeah it was also it was giving like dudley dursley from harry potter

last halloween target sent me 301 candies and this year they only sent me 298 like what do you mean so glad i didn't wait to open the bat like who's gonna give a shit do you have exactly like 300 children in the neighborhood i can only give one candy sorry rebecca um i didn't count and they're just weren't anymore you. You're the last kid this year. There's just no candy for you. I should have counted. I'm sorry. I feel really bad.

Oh, that's okay, Mr. Henderson. I guess I'll just go to the next house. What's crazy is that every... I don't know what's happening. I don't know if I just came out too late in the night, but every single house, as soon as I get there, has been out of candy. I know. I know.

I guess there was a mix-up at the factory or something, and they just didn't send the right number this year. Your costume's great, by the way. You really mean that? Yes, you look just like her. Okay? Mom, ever since I was a baby, my mom says i have such a striking resemblance to jackie kennedy onassis that's right and it's like kind of you know you've put the blood splatter on the dress and it kind of what i would say some people might call

that distasteful but i think it's really like a fun kind of like Halloween twist. I try and be historically accurate. No, and it is like, like it's really, it's kind of unnerving, you know. Oh, well, happy Halloween. Of course, Rebecca. And I just want to say thank you for making your house all spooky and fun. You got the ghosts outside. And even though I didn't have any candy from this house, I really appreciate you putting in the effort because at least all the other neighborhood kids get candy and have fun oh no i mean of course i mean it wasn't you know wasn't all me it takes a village

you know i mean it was uh mrs wilson and also the boys so you know we did a family effort um couldn't help but notice that um you guys kind of took an interesting approach this year. Your decorations are a little peculiar, I guess. I guess we're all just trying to get in the spirit. I don't know what you mean by peculiar. Well, you have that big sign that says Ford's Theater. And then there's what looks to be kind of like a reenactment of Kennedy being shot in Dallas next to that,

which I guess is where you fit in. Yeah, it's like performance art. Right, right. Yeah, and I guess Halloween can be, you know, it could be a lot of things. So I'm not saying, you know, I just think it's interesting. What's so crazy is that we have so much candy at our house to hand out to all of the neighborhood children.

And no one came. And no one's come to our house. Maybe they don't realize that you're celebrating. Well, I mean, our lights are on. We have a big sign out front that says, one piece each, know, like to make sure that there's enough candy for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe they reckon it's all gone already. I don't know. I mean, there's a tub of it.

It's actually overflowing. Yeah, yeah. Maybe they're just, you know, it's a long walk over there to the part of the street. Maybe it's just people, you know. And what's crazy is that we're offering shuttle rides i know rebecca but i think honestly since covid like we've all been doing trick-or-treating slightly differently you know trunk-or-treat is such a big thing now you know the museum does one and the zoo and so i just i you know but i wouldn't i don't think it's anything with your

family particularly i think it's just you know it's kind of it's just, you know, it's kind of, it's just COVID. Well, thanks, Mr. Henderson. I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, of course. I guess I'm going to go try the next house. Oh, yeah, okay. Don't stay out too late, though, okay? Get home safe. Oh, thank you.

I will. Your mom around, by the way? My mom? Yeah, she's watching. She's holding down the fort. She's holding down the fort she's holding down the fort and my dad i my dad said that i could walk alone this year but he's gonna trail me in the car so he's just like he's oh i was wondering who that i was wondering who that grown man was in that yeah that

blue pontiac just kind of crawling our street i was a little unnerved yeah because i wanted to be able to walk alone this year and he said okay you can walk but i just want to make sure i have eyes on you just in case no absolutely absolutely okay well um i should probably you know get inside getting pretty cold but uh good luck with your trick-or-treating all right thank you she walks away another little kid comes up ding dong trick-or-treat smell my feet what do you want kiddo um do you got any snickers left? I got fucking king size. Oh, I left my pillbox hat. Oh, hi, Ricky.

Hey, Rebecca. Cool Jackie Onassis costume. Oh, thanks. I like what you did with the blood splatter. It looks historically accurate. Did you compare it to a photo from the day? I did, actually, yeah. I printed out a photo from Google Images, and I kind of just, like, did it. Oh, you have so much candy.

Yeah, Mr. Henderson was about to give me a king-size Snickers. He said he had loads. Oh, he must be tricking you instead of treating you, because he has no candy left at his house, or so he said. Ah, you know what, kiddo? I guess I'm out. No, Rebecca's right. Sorry, I had a momentary lapse when you walked up. Mr. Henderson, I see you holding something behind your back.

Yes, yes, my gun. I was worried. Sorry. No, not to scare you, kiddo. But, you know, just a night like this, you wonder, you know, who could be out and about. Someone knocked on the door. I just grabbed it. Don't worry.

I was never going to shoot anyone. Oh, okay. Well, have a good night, gentlemen. All right. I'll be seeing you later. All right. So, Mr. Henderson, was she correct in her saying that you don't have any candy left? Come on.

Hey, come on. You're old enough now. understand right well i understand what you know her family you know is it because they're like weirdly they have a weird obsession with presidential assassinations yeah right why do you think i own the gun i mean it's like you know they're gonna going to kill you? Well, look, here's what I'm going to say. I woke up one morning about three months ago. Someone, and I'm not saying who it was, but somebody have put an A-blinking top hat and beard in a mailbox.

In the what? In the mailbox. You said in the mailbox. I know. I had so much candy tonight and my tongue is swollen and i thought maybe maybe they were trying to set me up you know oh i see in the mailbox there's this beard and this hat and i put it on and all of a sudden you know a shot rings out whoa like the crowded for theater mr henderson i guess what can i just like get my Whoa, that's pretty intense, Mr. Henderson. I guess. Can I just get my... It's not just...

Okay, they also... It's year-round, right? Yeah, I mean, it is very... They're constantly putting stuff about political assassination on the front lawn. They don't just do it at Halloween. It's kind of... No, and what's weird is that they keep the same decorations up there. So it's always like John Wilkes Booth and like JFK and everything.

But they'll just like put an, like, you know, they'll make it a leprechaun. Or they'll make it an Easter bunny. Like it's very distasteful at a certain point. And I frankly, I think the most upsetting one is the one in the backyard. Have you ever seen that one? No, which one's that? It's when reagan was shot at but he didn't actually get shot it's very weird it's not even like it's an attempt like a

finished job they like they like even just the attempt it's an attempted assassination yeah yeah yeah yeah um well listen this has been such a great talk mr henderson i actually think i'm coming over to your place for a sleepover in the next couple of days to hang with Simon. The blue Pontiac parks right outside of your house. Hey, Howard. Happy Halloween, my man. Hey, happy Halloween. Hey, couldn't help but notice you're giving Richard some nice pieces of candy there.

Oh, yeah. I just found one under the floor. Huh. On the floor. Like I must have knocked it on the floor when I was searching for one earlier or something. Well, that's so crazy because, you know, my little Rebecca, she's been going all around town. I know. No one seems to have any candy for my sweet little girl.

Hey, you got to let her go out. My sweet little Jackie O. You got to let her go out earlier next year, I guess. All right. All right. You take care. Oh, no, we're not finished with this conversation. We're not done talking, actually, big man.

What's going to happen is, oh, God, I don't want to be in the middle of this. No, Richard, you're good, little bro. What's going to happen, buddy? What's going to happen, Mr. Henderson? Like little bro what's gonna happen buddy what's gonna happen Mr. Henderson like little bro so familiar you don't have to let him call you that what's gonna happen now Mr. Henderson Richard Richard hey you can stay and watch this if you want Howard what's gonna happen is I'm gonna get my little girl I'm gonna bring her back over here this is so awkward you're gonna tell her that you lied what is the message you're trying to show your daughter by doing

that? I'm going to show that some people are bad men and liars. I'm a grown man. I don't need to let you embarrass me. Her daddy's a good man. Sometimes there are good men and there are bad men. Okay. He got your John Wilkes boots. Here we go. And he got your Lincolns. Right.

You got your grassy knolls. No. Okay. And he got your Lincolns. Right, right, right. You got your Grassy Knolls. No, okay. And you got your JFK. No, so I'm sorry. I just have to nail something down here. Because I think this could clear up a lot for me. You said there are good men and there are bad men. That's exactly right.

And her daddy's a good man. Right. And then I'm a bad man. And I concede I lied to a child about having kids. That's pretty messed up. But her daddy's a good man. Right. And then I'm a bad man. And I concede. I lied to a child about having kids. That's pretty messed up. But then you gave a couple examples where you said, you know, JFK, the grassy no, John Wilkes Booth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you wasn't super clear from the phrasing who you think is the good man in like Abraham Lincoln versus John Wilkes Booth. Sort of a Howard versus you situation. Who's the good man? Who's the bad man? I have to wonder. Well, obviously, I'm JFK. You're the guy on the grassy knoll.

Okay. So you do think like John Wilkes Booth was the bad guy? Just to, I want to get that on the record. I mean, I'm just saying it's like, like. Simple yes or no. Simple yes or no question, Chief. I don't think it should be that hard. I'm Reagan, and you're the dude who tried to kill Reagan.

That's not the one we're talking about. One of those is not like the others. You're John Wilkes Booth. Okay, so John Wilkes Booth was the bad guy. In this scenario, yeah. What do you mean, in this scenario? John Wilkes Booth, you know who would have lied to steal candy from a kid? John Wilkes Booth.

Okay. But in the context of what John Wilkes Booth actually did, who's the bad guy? Shot Lincoln. Yes. Therefore. Therefore what? He is the blank guy. Fill in.

He's a murderer, so he's a bad guy. Okay, sure. Just that. Murder's bad, so he's the bad guy. That's all you have. What point are you trying to get across? I'm trying to get across the point your whole family gives me the creeps that nothing you guys do seems like it has good intentions i'm just trying to make sure history

doesn't repeat itself okay and i want to teach my daughter that of the good guys and the bad guys, you gotta trust the good guys and get away from the baddies. Yeah, right. Right, right, right. Okay, I'm sorry. Do you think you're Lincoln? Sorry, do you think you're Lincoln? I don't think I'm Lincoln, no. I think I'm Howard. Because I don't have a

weird psycho-social relationship with historical figures. I don't think... Lincoln never did anything wrong. I feel like you're trying to paint him out as a bad guy. I'm not a historian. I am not.

Lincoln's a perfect man. I sell cars. I don't actually know what you do for a living, but I know I'm not a historian, and so I don't feel confident saying lincoln was a never did anything really yeah yeah can't think of one thing not a single one okay well i'm gonna go inside now did you get... I left you a little present in the mail. Was the present a beard and a hat?

Sure was. Are you going to hurt me or my family? If you give my daughter all the candy that you have, no harm will come to you or the missus or the kids. Because I just think it's interesting. You seemed pretty reluctant, but you did finally say that john will spoof was the bad guy but you're actively casting me as lincoln and you said i was

a bad guy and here's what's crazy howard you bring up a good point yeah did i say that i was lincoln and then i gave you the top hat and the beard. Sure. Yes. The message I'm trying to get across to my little girls is that there are good guys and bad guys. Okay. But sometimes good guys have to do bad things. And bad guys get to do good things. What?

So you as a bad guy can do a good guy thing. Bad guys get to do good things? You're a bad guy can get to do a good guy thing. You can give a good guy candy to my perfect daughter. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I think you're a bad parent. I don't think children

need anything reinforcing about the idea that morality is black and white and that people are either good or evil. I think that's the way our whole society

is set up. And I think that you just reinforcing that through weird obsession with historical political assassination you're raising a very poorly adjusted kid why don't you say that to her face

I'm not going to say that to a child's face because I understand the boundaries of what's appropriate conversations to have in front of a child hi dad hi Mr. Henderson sweetie Mr. Henderson he'sie, Mr. Henderson, he's got something he wants to give you, and he's got something he wants to say to you.

Yeah, Rebecca, I do have something I want to give you. Oh, okay. Here's a full-size Snickers. What? I thought you said you didn't have any left. I know. I found one under the floor, on the floor, when I knocked it over. Oh I know. I found one under the floor. On the floor.

When I was knocked it over. Oh, wow. This is the best Halloween ever. Thank you, Mr. Henderson. Of course. Oh, he's not quite done yet, honey. Howard, why don't you give her a little piece of advice? And by that I mean an apology.

Okay, sure. You kind of changed tack there. I missed. No, I just forgot what i was saying for a second rebecca i'm sorry for what i'm sorry that i didn't have any candy for you earlier you well honey that's not the entire truth uh and as you know abe lincoln said like i i i must i will never tell a lie you know honest Abe

that's what your daddy's like that's a myth absolutely I know enough about history no he didn't say I'll never tell a lie and that is historically accurate Rebecca your father is nothing if not a historian Rebecca yeah and you need to shut the hell up you don't need to say anything

Rebecca are you putting it me or are you playing it miss rebecca's dad i don't know twerp which one has spoken in the last five minutes sorry i've been listening my voice is different has anyone ever told you millhouse would be a sick costume for you anyway rebecca do you think john wilkes booth was the good guy or the bad guy oh john wilkes booth is the bad guy because he's the murderer and he shot the perfect president abraham lincoln who never did anything wrong ever okay i guess what i've right rebecca yeah you're a good girl oh i guess i i guess i'm gonna give you guys candy from now on i don't know i'm sorry rebecca i lied

i didn't have candy earlier it's okay i had a feeling that you were lying because you might have been grossed out by my costume it's not even grossed out i would say unnerved but yeah i mean it's similar emotions so rebecca the point of of me having Mr. Henderson explain this lie to you is that I want you to remember, you are always the good guy and you're my dad. Also, it's 11 p.m. You are the Lincoln to his John Wilkes Booth. You both.

You are the JFK to his grassy knoll. Neither of these kids should be out. It is too late. You are the Ronald Reagan to whatever the guy's name who tried to kill Reagan is. I think it was... Was it John Hinckley Jr.? It was John Hinckley Jr. That's right. Rebecca, you really taught me something here today.

Hey, you remembered his name. I did, didn't I? I guess maybe we're more aligned in our interests than we thought. Huh. I guess. Hey, do you want to come over and help me set up the kind of like refurbished the Reagan exhibit in the backyard sometime? Yeah, I mean, I guess I learned today that I've always thought of myself as a Robert Kennedy. But maybe I was Sirhan Sirhan who assassinated Robert Kennedy.

You're a bad guy. Maybe I'm a bad guy. Sometimes. And sometimes maybe I am Robert Kennedy. And sometimes bad guys get to do good guy things. Yeah. Sometimes I'm Archduke Franz Ferdinand and other times I'm a Serbian man from the turn of the century.

But my little girl, she's always Jodie Foster. That's really weird, man. Thank God we know the show Assassins by Stephen Sondheim. Jodie. That was a really normal one. Alf, do you want to go? Alf,

do you want to do our next one? I'd love to. And by do you want to do our next one,'d like to want to do our next one i mean do the next one here's something i want to just like correct the record on earlier when we talked about baby bottle pops i did say that the slogan was lick it suck it crunch it um that didn't feel right at the time i was like that can't have possibly been what it was. I did look it up and it is lick it, shake it, dunk it. Which is much more normal than lick it, suck it, crunch it. Lick it, suck it, and crunch it. Baby bottle pop.

Baby bottle pop. Lick it, suck it, and crunch it. Okay, this is a review for... It better be. Oh, you exhaust me. This is a review for bulk halloween candy fucking two billion pounds i didn't take i didn't i didn't record it it was for a big big old bag of candy all right uh-huh five stars from ron from ron ron no last name ron weasley i knew you were i literally knew you were gonna

say weasley i almost said howard i didn't see that coming five stars okay ron saying it you have to tank the king i'm gonna do a ron boy no you said weasley dude you could have prevented this by saying howard and then i would be doing a ron weasley oh it's a different ron weasley different one what does he sound like he's just like kind of general like north american dialect like pretty general north american dialect yeah just kind of like general whatever someone thinks of an american sounding like a north someone from north america just kind of like general. Whatever someone thinks of an American sounding like someone from North America, just kind of pretty flat. Variety and freshness.

Oh, come on. Five stars, variety and freshness. Had to buy one for the wife to replace hers that I took some. That's it? That's the whole review. I had to replace hers that I took some. Had to buy one for the wife to replace hers that I took some. I had to buy one for the wife to replace hers that I took some from Ron. Just a couple guys at a bar.

One walks in. Oh, Joe, you're going to want to pour me a pint now. Oh, gee, after the day I had. Oh, cripes, you won't believe. Sure thing, bucko. What you want a pint of? How about anything that'll help me drown my sorrows? Well, that's most anything I got on tap there, eh?

Uh, then I'll take what you can spare. Aw, jeez. Oh, man. The missus is really on one today. I'll tell you what. What you do then? Oh, man. She got this big bag of Halloween candy for the kids. I, you know, my greasy little paws, I trip, quote unquote, and I, you know, I

take an Almond Joy and she goes flying off the handle. She's freaking out. She says, you go buy me another bag there, mister. This candy's for the kiddos, not for Papa Bear. So I'm out. I'm in the freezing cold. Car breaks down outside of the Walgreens. And now I have to walk home with this 10-pound bag of candy. She made you buy a 10-pound bag of candy to replace one Almond Joy? She did.

Because she said it's time for me to learn a lesson or two what the heck i know anyway she's not your ma she doesn't need to teach you a lesson god i wish she was my mother i wish she was my mother anyway man it's been way too long how how are you doing how's your missus well she's really been on one, if I'm being honest. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, what's Carol been doing now? Well, she told me not to, but I wanted to go up ice fishing with the lads.

As you should. As is your God-given right. Right. with the lads as you should as is your god-given right right so we get on the snow you know and we're driving up to you know the lake and all of a sudden snowy breaks down we're stranded out there you know your car broke down too yeah and then so what have i got a choice to do? Me and Frank strip nude, cuddle in the back seat, skin to skin, stay warm, you know. Some feller, some kid with the old TikTok out, come up, starts filming. You know, gets footage of me, you know, my bare ass hanging out with my best mate, you know. As is your God-given right. As is my God-given right, you know, to stay warm in the fucking, you know, car broken down.

What else were you supposed to do? Right. Right. It was just survival, you know. It was just survival. Nothing, nothing, nothing a little bare bump between butts. Exactly. And you've heard of oxytocin, you know, the hugging hormone, you know, the neurochemical

that's released in your brain when you hug somebody. So we're sitting there, you know, warming warming up body's flooded with oxytocin and i see this teen walking out with his phone out nice snatch the tiktok i snatch it out his hand you know i get out the car and i say you better stop recording me you know it's a private citizen you don't have a right for this you know i can't figure out how to delete it and lo and behold i post it it. I'm just clicking any old button. I can get my fucking mitts on. Well, what else were you supposed to do? Right, I'm practically frostbit head to toe.

So I can't really, anyway. And so what was your buddy doing? Was he just kind of sitting in the car? He was hiding, yeah, in the car. He was kind of embarrassed. He's not got the biggest. And so, you know, he was nervous. What's that?

You know, his gentleman soldier was not as large as, you know, maybe he'd wanted it to be. And, you know, I told him many times, you know, nothing to be ashamed of. But he's got a complex about it. And, you know, he was scared that the whole world was going to see his, you know, little soldier. His little pecker, yeah. Lucky for him, doesn't get that on camera, does get my, you know, hog and bear ass. And then my wife. And are you packing, chief?

Oh, you know, I'm, you know, I'd say average. Well, you know, kind of medium rare, you know, kind of well endowed and a little extra. Good on you, good on you. Well, you know, I try, but then, but lo and behold, turns out, you know, my Carol, she follows this kid on Instagram for whatever reason. You know, and I never knew it. Now, that's honestly, that's the thing that's the weirdest part of all this, no? Well, turns out he was friends, you know, with someone that she used to work with. You know, I don't know.

She's got, you know, her ratio is all sorts of messed up. She's following about 3K on Instagram, only got about 99 followers. Boy, that's honestly a little desperate there. I know. Most people, you know, she's actually related to, don't want to follow her, think she's a bot. They get nervous. They look at that ratio. They say, there's no way that's my Carol.

That's a bot. No, what you're going to want to do is if you only have, what did you say, like 99 followers? 99 followers. 99. If you have 99. 3K following. No. So what you're going to want to do is if you only have what did you say like 99 99 followers 99 if you have 99 following no so what you're gonna want to do i mean my daughter stephanie she's got maybe you know like 2 000 followers but even then she's only following about 600 people oh that's a good ratio there no way that's about no no way that's a way no way there that's about so if your missus has got 99 she's maybe gonna only want to be following i don't know 20 30 people well and and right right and and and

anyway so she's following this you know young young buck and then all of a sudden she's you know going on her reels uh and she sees my bare ass and hog hanging out. He posted to Reels and to TikTok? No, in fairness to him, I posted it. I was trying to delete it off his phone, and I posted to Instagram. I cross-posted it, Facebook, Twitter. You've always been so, I know this one was an accident,

but you've always been so technologically savvy. Remember when you helped me set up my Facebook page? I didn't mean to keep poking you, and then you helped me set up my facebook page you know i i didn't mean to keep poking you and then you helped me figure out how to turn that off well and i said bucko i don't mind you poking me you know i ain't got no problem with you poking me but if it's not what you're intending to do you better know it yeah yeah yeah we got that sorted out but i did we did so at the end of the day you know i think she was mainly mad that everyone had seen it, you know. So was she not, so she wasn't mad that you were keeping naked warm with your buddy there.

She was mad that your mohawk was out on for the world to see. No, I mean, she understands that I'm a man with certain needs, you know, and I need to go ice fishing with the boys, you know, and get a little strip naked on it. Would have loved an invite, by the way, I understand. Well, I didn't know you were that way inclined to fish for ice. I love fishing for ice. Are you kidding?

I would much rather catch my own ice than go make it in my freezer. Let me pull out my iPad here, send you the event, Bright. We got a link set up for the next week's trip. Is this a ticketed event? No, no. Zero dollars for the fee just so we can get an accurate head count beforehand. So if you are going to be able to make it, we would ask you to cancel so you can just get a good head count.

You know, last weekend. You know, Frank and I were driving up there together, but, you know, up at the lodge, you had a good 13 guys up there, you know, ready to do a fishing. Wow. Wow. God, I can't wait. Well, now that I'm in the doghouse, I could use a little bit of mail. I could use a little bit of mail company to keep me, to keep my spirits up a bit.

Because, you know, I don't know if Carol's going to be too happy with me, you know, after the Almond Joy incident. Right, right, right. Well, you know, I mean mean you're always welcome here you know or at the lodge um you know just so you know though you know there's not there's not always coming back from the lodge you know what i mean i don't know i mean i'm gonna have to get my own ride back no no some fellers they get up there you know the solitude a male company and they you know they started really kind of wrecking with some stuff and i just want to let you know that you might not you know want to open a can of worms you're not ready for

a i you know what i don't know if you're trying to tell me something different but all i'm hearing is you're going to be fishing in the ice with some good buddies and that might be too fun might be too fun that you might not want to come home it's like it's like you're on a play date as a kid and it's like oh no mom don't pick me up yet i need this game can i and you bargain to stay another night at your buddy's house you're saying oh no i can't go home now i'm having too much fun you know what i I'll say is since I started doing it, my Carol, she has her own setup with the girls. By the way, I love that we both have wives named Carol. I thought maybe our girls get together too because my Carol, I go up ice fishing.

She gets some of the wives together, and they start, you know, they have their own thing going on. Oh, God, they have their wine night or the wives wine night, the book club. I said to Carol, I said, you never owned a book in your life. And she still hasn't. I mean, I've searched that dang house high and low. I can't find a book to fucking, you know, fucking anything. So I don't know what they do. And frankly, I don't give a hoot.

You know, it's her private life. And, you know, married people are allowed secrets from each other, you know. I agree, you know. And, you know, I really feel like the more that we foster community, whether it's through the ice fishing or the book clubbing, you know, the better off all of us are gonna be and so you know if if it takes me stealing one almond joy away from the kiddos to have this kind of realization to get us back oh then then then you know lock me up and

throw away the key i'll take it i'll take hundreds and thousands of almond joys. No, exactly. I think you're exactly hitting the nail on the head, you know. And many animals, mammals, you know, are situationally bisexual. You know, it's a very normal thing, you know. And I think, you know, we as a society, the nuclear family and these, you know, kind of traditional Christian values, you know, they kind of, you know, they set us up for failure. And I just think, you know, I'm glad to see you're an enlightened fellow is all. So, you know, kind of you know they set us up for failure and i just think you know i'm glad to see you're an enlightened fella is all so you know good on you here's your pint on the house have a great night good luck with your candy eh we kiss we embrace

um you see below the bar has been his buddy naked, holding onto his legs the whole time for warmth. Let's take a break. Excuse me, bud. I got to go to the other end of the bar here. You're just going to hang on there, eh? No, we don't actually need another break. Okay, I can end.

I can end us. I can end this once and for all. Hey, hey, no, no, no, no. I can end it. i can end i can end us i can end this once and hey hey no no i can end it i can end it that actually reminds me of something i wanted to talk to you about um okay i just don't know if i want to shut up we have here we go here is a halloween candy variety pack with three musketeers snickers milky way and twix uh everything's fine that's not it's not a i thought you were asking me to pick nope the title is it's five stars the title is now this is the bag of candy you need so a lot of these target reviews so this is five stars a lot of these if there's like a

brackets before the review and it says this review is collected as part of a promotion there's a lot of reviews that are very much like a promotional i'm sure they got paid to write five stars for this candy so this is one of them from josephine can we get a last name for josephine josephine josephine din for some candy josephine din for some candy so her last name is din for some candy. Josephine Din for some candy. So her last name is Din for some candy. Yeah, excuse me. Welcome to the stage, Miss Din for some candy. And what's crazy, that's her married name. Josephine Din for some candy.

My family lives for Halloween. We dress up. We hand out candy. Safely, of course. We decorate. I'm, however, not a big fan of buying a million little bags of candy then this bad boy came into our lives it's huge a good eight pounds this is probably all you'll need for the night unless you live in a busy neighborhood or you're having a rough go of

it in life then grab two to make things even easier it's all of the quote-unquote best candy right here no guesswork grab this and you're good and it's an even mix of all the candy i definitely plan on getting this bag regularly i just if you're having a rough go i just i think i'm realizing you can buy candy any time of year yes you can and i don't think i knew that what do you mean well like the idea that there are people i'm trying to phrase this in a way that makes me don't sound insane okay we're getting ready to hashtag alfred is over party i just think like i didn't realize you could that anybody did that with anybody did what buy big bags of candy in february here's the thing because you can buy this bag really she can't get this bag right this is very much i mean the bag looks like a witch like because i buy

candy right i buy candy you can't get a Halloween candy variety pack around. They're going to stop selling this. Who buys... I didn't know that people... In a couple weeks. Like, if I'm going to buy candy... Yeah. I'm going to go to the candy store. And I'm going to buy some candy.

What do you mean you're going to go to the candy store? What do you mean you're going to go to the candy store? What do you mean you're going to go to the candy store? You're going to pop over to Dylan's candy bar in Manhattan. I'm going to walk up to the counter. I'm still doing the fucking Canadian, whatever that nightmare accent was from that scene. I walk up to the candy bar, eh? You're going to a candy, you're not going to go to just a drugstore? Why would I go to a druggist for candy i when i can go to the

corner shop and say excuse me sir i've got three shillings and i'd love a licorice lady lick um i don't know man i just think i just think it's crazy to buy big bag candy not in halloween time because otherwise you just buy candy right well that sorry it's crazy to buy big bags the little the big bags with little candy because the rest of the year you buy a little bag with big candy god what i'd give to to to be able to communicate this. Like, if you were like, I'm going to start... If you're like at the grocery store, right? Let's do it. And you were like, you know, I got a craving for some candy this week.

I'm going to have candy this week. I'm going to get some candy from the grocery store. All right, honey, then go get some candy. Okay, I go get candy, right? I'm going to get like some candy bars i go get candy right i'm gonna get like some candy bars and a pack of peanut m&ms that's great and put them maybe keep it in the fridge and right i'm not gonna go buy a big bag of little candy you can do whatever you want no but but i'm not gonna do that are you in a scene right now no this is fully my day what's crazy is that i was how long how long have you thought

we were in a scene i was only start i said when i said okay honey then go get some candy i thought i love the fact that you thought i was just when i straight up i just want to say for everyone listening i have never called you honey in any casual way. Okay, to be clear, I didn't think you were calling me honey in that moment. I didn't realize that you were starting a scene. I thought you were just doing a little bit of a sort of casual role play.

No, no. I guess like I would never do casual role play unless it's a long form improvisational comedy on our show. If that makes sense. People buy little, like have you ever been to like, I feel like an office buildings or like a doctor's office. Okay, sure. There's like little bowls where it's like, oh, have a little candy.

But that's not a house. Yeah. An office building isn't a house. Right. So, but this is a person buying it for their house. We need to start a scene. I know. I know. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm at start a scene. I know. I know. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm at a grocery store. I'm checking.

Oh. Who is it? No, no. Sorry. Come on. I can take you. I can take you. This lane's open.

This lane's open. Oh, okay. Sorry. Were you saying knock knock to me? I was just set up for a knock knock joke and you missed it so it's fine no it's okay we can go back who's there knock knock who's there sorry I started again knock knock it's okay who's there

sour cream sour cream who sour cream sour cream sour cream sour cream it's like Jolene that's so funny you find everything you needed you were looking for today I did you know it was just a couple little things I brought my own bag Oh, it's like Jolene. That's so funny. You find everything you needed that you were looking for today? I did. You know, it was just a couple little things.

I brought my own bag as well. It's just this kombucha, pack of gum, and then this just assorted bag of little Halloween candy. Whoa. Big night. Oh.

I guess. Yeah. Crazy. You know, I've actually had such a long week and like it's been a lot of, just a lot of work. So I'm actually, I'm looking forward to just being in on my own. So for've actually had such a long week. And like, it's been a lot of, just a lot of work. So I'm actually, I'm looking forward to just being in on my own.

So for me, that's a big night. I get to choose what I want to watch on the TV. Working late, huh? Working late. This week I've been working late. Right. Tonight too, though, right? What do you mean?

You're going back to the office after this, right? Working late. Oh, God. No, no, no. I'm heading home. I am like, I'm done for the day i'm sorry wait to just like pop on some real housewives you know i'm a glass of kombucha and no you'll take it in monday sorry what's that you'll take it in monday sorry i was assuming

like sorry i take what in monday the candy like i saw the candy and i assumed you were going back to the office now but i was kind of weird it's like obviously i'll just take it take it in one day. No, no, no, no. This is for me. I love just having like little, you know, it's like I pop it in a bowl and I can just like walk. Yeah. No, this is for my house. Right, right, right. You work, you do like, uh, you're a massage therapist in your house.

No, this is, this candy is, I'm buying it. It's a personal purchase for me to have in my home. For your guests. I live alone. It's just me. Right. But for when your customers come. I don't work from home.

I actually, I do work in like a really big office building. So you live in your office? I don't understand where our wires are getting crossed. Huh. Let me name check. Sam. Sam, no, I don't understand where the wires are getting crossed. I live alone.

This candy's for me. You ever just like to have a little sweet treat around the house? Oh, what do I love? Of course. Like, you know, I'll always buy a candy's for me. You ever just like to have a little sweet treat around the house? Oh, what do I love? Of course. Like, you know, I'll always buy a candy bar. Oh, that's great. Two or three even. Keep them stocked.

Oh, totally. So that's kind of like what I'm doing, except it's... Right, but these are so little. Oh, I know, because sometimes I don't want the whole thing, and I can just have a little pop it in the mouth. Oh, but you could eat a split in half. I guess this is all I need to buy, so as long as I can check out,

I'm good to go. You have a rewards number with this? I, uh, yep, let me just type that. Zipcode's fine, too, if you've got a phone number. Yeah, no, it's already in. There we go.

Oh, okay, sorry, I had to press a button. That's okay. And you said you needed bags? No, I have a bag, thank you. Okay, can I have the bag? I got it. It's honestly, it's just these three things. It's really not. I know, but we do have, have the bag uh i got it it's honestly it's just these

three things it's really not i know but we do have like it's not me at the manager like we're not supposed to like let you bag your own stuff it's like oh i've never heard of that before i know but if he sees you bagging your own stuff he's like why didn't you help her with the bag and i have to be like she wanted to do it herself she wouldn't let me touch it um oh no it's not that i'm not letting no no no it's not like i'm not letting you it's just that it's like i understand may i see the bag though um i really it'll take me two seconds what's faster is it faster if i just let you it's much faster if you just give me the bag uh okay here you go oh library yep are you from there am i from the library no boston it's a boston public library bag bag i thought maybe you were from boston or something oh i went to school there i'm from connecticut

oh whereabouts uh you know i think all of the items are in the bag yes so i'm gonna head home thank you so much for your help we are good to go all righty take care can you give me back the bag please could you let go absolutely yep you are holding on i'm letting it go inside my heart so that i can let it go in real life and there you go that's your bag back. Can I talk to your manager? I hate to be that person. Oh, you want a refund? I can just do that. I can just do that.

No, it's not a refund. I'm a store lead. I can do that. You have kind of made me feel weird about buying candy. And then you're just, I would just love to talk to your manager. Yeah. No, I can find, this is an awful feeling you're making me feel, but yeah, I guess I can do that.

Oh my God. No, I feel awful too. I feel awful too. Right, right. You could have just walked out and the interaction would be over and you're prolonging it. I just would really love to talk to your manager. Can I ask what you do for a living? No, I would just really love to talk to somebody.

What do you actually do for a living? Are you like some kind of like, I don't know, do you work for the CIA? I work in ads. No, but I work in ads. Oh but i work in ads i'm in what is that supposed to be we need a we've got another one yeah can i please just talk to i try i hate to be i'm on the walkie right now my god i'm literally trying to get the manager on the walkie for you, you ungrateful. Yes, she is insisting that you come to the front. I told her about your condition. She said she wants you here anyway.

What condition? What condition? You didn't tell me anything. Now I feel bad. Oh, my God. A guy on crutches is like. You're making me feel bad. I have a bad feeling in my chest. A guy with a huge is like. You're making me feel bad. I have a bad feeling in my chest. Guy with a huge boot on.

Sorry. I could have come to you. I broke my ankle last night. Oh my gosh. I didn't know anything about this. He did not tell me anything about this. I'm so sorry. I could have come to you.

I literally told her. No, that's not what happened. I literally told her that you have your broken ankle. Excuse me. What is your name? Brett. Brett, I'm Louise. I am so sorry about this mix up. ankle. Excuse me, what is your name? Brett. Brett, I'm Louise. I am so sorry about this mix-up.

Brett, if I'd known about your condition, I would have walked up to you. Sam, I told you, you can do the refunds yourself. That's why I gave you the card. You don't need me to come up to the front. It wasn't about the refunds, Brett. Sam, if you could actually give us a second. What? Sam, could you give us a second what sam could you give us a second please no he can't give you a second he literally he's he's at his register let's just step away oh okay you have such a

bizarre understanding okay what can i do for you miss what can i do for you, miss? What can I do for you? I just wanted to file a complaint about Sam. Ah, okay. What's that ah? It's my ankle. I'm sorry, would you like to sit? What can I do for you? I'm trying to make this as physically and emotionally painless as possible. Really?

Could have fooled me. Would you like to sit down to take the weight off your ankle? Tell me what your complaint is with Sam. See, you're actually making me feel bad in my chest. No, that's not... I feel bad.

You're feeling guilt, okay? For making you stand. Okay, here's what's happening. i'll do this really quick you're not making me do anything i asked if you wanted to sit down and you're being a martyr about it so here's what's happening you can sam made me feel very uncomfortable about my purchases and i don't think it's right that your employees shame their customers for what they're buying can we agree were you buying condoms he keeps doing no i Were you buying condoms? He keeps doing this. No, I wasn't buying condoms.

He keeps doing this. If this is an issue, I think he should have been long gone. Seriously, dude. No, it wasn't the condoms. It wasn't the condoms. I was buying candy, and he made me feel very weird for buying a bag of candy for myself for my house. Flavored condoms, right, right.

Nope, it's just the candy. Oh. For your office or something? No, just for my home. Oh, your home office or something? No, just for my home. Oh, your home office, right. No, I don't understand why a gal can't just buy a bag of bite-sized candy. Well, why wouldn't you just buy a small bag of big candy? That's not a thing.

I've never seen a small bag of big candy. You've never seen a small bag of big candy? If you mean like a plastic bag filled with hershey bars i guess oh oh so now suddenly she remembers no because that isn't buying a small bag of candy that's buying a bunch of you do not need to raise your voice with me ma'am you do not need to raise your voice with me sir i did not raise my voice at you oh that sickly sweet tone isn't fooling anybody i will file the complaint but i am going to be very very very transparent with you i cannot fire him i cannot demote him you cannot or will not can not what does he have over you

because he's a very bad employee at first he was fine we're having a nice conversation he's not you're a terrible customer i will concede sometimes he says things that cross the line okay are you happy why can't you fire him i don't think that is your business you said you'd be very transparent with me and none of you worked here sorry i don't work here oh you don't work here. Oh, you don't work here? Then I don't know why the fuck you think you're entitled to that information. You said I'm going to be fully transparent with you. None of this has been transparent.

This whole thing, you know, knock, knock. I'm not falling for this. Knock, knock. Oh, by the way, yeah, he did a weird thing. He's like, knock, knock. And then you're singing Jolene, but he's like, sour cream, sour cream, sour cream, sour cream. Which didn't make any... Knock, knock.

Come on. Who's there? HIPAA violation. You don't get to ask me or my staff a damn thing. This isn't HIPAA. This isn't a place of health care. Yes. Yes, it's not?

Yes, absolutely it is. What are you talking about? We do the vaccines at the Walgreens in the back. Just because this is a target CBS situation doesn't mean... Exactly. Exactly. Ma'am, I'm going to be knowing what I've told you, which is that we cannot fire Sam for reasons that are secret.

What can I do? He's blackmailing you guys. Yes. Okay. I guess I'm nothing. He knows how I actually broke my ankle. How did you break your ankle? Why would I let you also blackmail me?

Why are you giving me these little bites of information? Because I'm hoping. Are you fucking serious? You want me to free serious from him are you no no no did you just ask if you can leave yes because i don't know i never wanted this interaction i was in the office i had my ankle on ice elevated on ice i had my whole fucking afternoon planned out And you torpedoed the whole thing You had your afternoon planned out You're at work What and when you're at work

You never plan anything out At your home office where you're massaging I don't work at home and I'm not a masseuse I'm working ads Then why are you buying the candy I'm buying the candy so I can eat it in my home I don't care Go home. You just asked me.

Please leave us. Fine. I leave. You've been tormenting us. Hey, Sam, I'm going to be in my office tending to my injury. You okay? Don't forget I know. I won't.

He leaves. Huh. She forgot her receipt receipt looks like she wrote a little something on it turn this around I know how he broke his ankle too I don't work in ads

I I am a cop anyway this has been review review a show where we take the weirdest and wackiest

reviews from the internet and turn them into beautiful improv scenes what the fuck what the fuck richard last segment i just wanna review you feel shook me all week long. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That last scene was, I think, like, that's going to go in the best of of the year, I think. I think it'll be the top, like, one through ten. I think it'll be every episode. Alf, what's been shaking your ass? I don't have anything. I have something.

Then you can go first. So I love reality television. Yes. Can't get enough of this stuff. You and me i mean it's a shared passion i started watching a new competition reality show okay what is it on e and that they've started uploading on youtube okay so it's trash and i love it no it is so good what is it though house of villains no it's house of villains it is all of reality tv's like famous villains from various series and captain hook has been very mean to me in the house no it's like it's it's giving disney's house some like disney's house of mouse house of villains but it is not it is

like you've got your johnny fair play fromor. You've got Omarosa from The Apprentice. You've got Jax from Vanderpump Rules. Corinne from The Bachelor. Oh, my. You've got New York, Miss Tiffany. Oh, okay. No, it is so much fun. You've got Shake from Love is Blind.

It is. Doing what? What are they doing in the house? Is it just Big Brother style? They're just kind of in the house? No, they do kind of, it's like they do competitions. And it's like if you win the competition, you're the supervillain of the week. And then you get to put three people up for nomination to be voted out.

And then it's like the three people do a competition. And whoever comes in first place is no longer an option to be voted out. And then it's basically, it's like whoever wins the whole thing gets two hundred thousand dollars and they're noticed like america's top super villain like it is it's so camp it's a blast i'm having so much who are you rooting for i'm rooting for i think either new york or corinne and they have made an alliance they are roommates that feels powerful that feels like that's gonna be a hard duo what i love oh johnny bananas is on i've never watched the challenge shake from love is blind is so we it's also a weird like not necessarily reality show universes that overlap no no it's hilarious what's funny because it's like you have

like certain people don't know who other people are like jacks from vanderpump rules vanderpump rules is just like a reality it's not a competition show in any way right and so it's like jacks's strategy coming into the house he's like well i'm the best i'm just gonna hang out and then it's like you have people like johnny fairplay from survivor who's like he is sabotaging jacks every turn in jacks there was a very funny scene where it's like so spoiler skip ahead if you really don't want any spoilers for house feelings so it's like omarosa wins super villain of the week the first week she puts shake corinne and jacks up for elimination it's called the hit list they're on the hit list and so there's a

competition the three of them have to compete in and it's like uh there's like a uh course like a driving course um in a parking lot and it's like they have to drive a golf cart whoever whoever gets through the course fastest uh wins but they have to do it blindfolded and they have a co-pilot in the car with them and they're telling them where to go and so it's like you know you have people you could either help them or it's like oh i think this person's a threat i'm gonna give them the wrong directions so jacks picks johnny fairplay from survivor no and johnny fairplay just fully fucks him up and he's just like giving them all the wrong directions it takes him forever to get through this so then later it's like jacks is like i mean i think johnny fairplay sabotaged me but you know i'm not

from this reality competition world. I'm from Vanderpump Rules and I'm from E and Bravo where we deal with our shit on camera. None of this lying stuff. So I'm going to ask him to his face and we're going to duke it out. And so then it cuts to like him being like, hey, Fairplay, did you like be honest with me right now? Did you sabotage me in that challenge?

And Johnny Fairplay, who if you don't know who he is, he was on survivor um i think micronesia and he pretended that his grandma died like he went on and was like it was very strange he pretended his grandma died so that he could get a reward like it was very weird and like lied about it so he's asking johnny fair play he's like did you sabotage me be real be real with me right now man like face to face to face. And Johnny Fairplay just goes, no, I didn't do that. I would never do that. And Jax immediately, he's like, okay, you know what?

And I'm taking your word for it. Good man, being honest. And it cuts to Johnny Fairplay being like, he's an idiot. Like an idiot. So anyway, I'm having the time of my life. I think that might show be, might be very much in my future. That might show be my future. I don't know what is wrong with me today aneurysm what's been shaking you oh you must have thought um i am what is shaking me is probably the fact that yeah oh okay here's a genuine one

here's a genuine thing that like I kind of want. I want the haters to sound off in the comments about this. Oh, God. Sorry. I'm just saying careful because you've got a lot of haters. Certainly do. The New York Times sort of puzzle world, right? The crossword, the spelling bee.

We're all familiar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all familiar. They've added a new one okay called connections i love connections and you're a little late to this hun i know okay never called you hun before in my life what the fuck i knew you've done it twice in one episode um it's the easiest fucking thing i've ever done depends on the week no no it doesn't no it doesn't no it doesn't i've been doing it for two weeks straight i've never gotten one wrong oh two weeks straight alf i've been doing this for months it depends on the day i have depends on the day i'm sorry i've done 14 days in a row and i've not gotten a single one wrong i've not solved it in less

i solve it in two minutes every time that's great great, Alf. Call me. Call me when you lose. Because you never really will. So you'll be waiting on that call, bitch, because it's never going to happen. Yes, it will. I swear to God it will. Your confidence is nigh. I literally solve it in 90 seconds every time. It's so fucking easy.

Oh, I literally solve it in 90 seconds. I'm going to slap that phone out of your hand. On Zoom, huh? Yeah. Now, you know which one I like? Hold your guy's style. My hand's going to come out of your hand on zoom huh yeah now you know which one i like my hand's gonna come out of your computer now letterboxd is the thinking man's new york time crossword game this one you ever done this one oh that one's hard i is it or i am gonna kill you um as much as i want to watch you do honey you are killing me i called you honey guys if you want to see us call each other honey in person come get tickets get tickets for our

live show review review live new york comedy festival november 5th sunday it's coming up fast get your ticks headgum.com slash live littlefield brooklyn which is the theater that we're doing it at uh tickets on their site tickets on the New York Comedy Festival site we've got Kylie Brakeman and Ryan Gall you will not want to

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reddit r slash review review discord review review Jeff and I have a patreon if you want some of that fun stuff watch that space new things coming soon and I mean it this time because we actually had a phone call and there are fun things coming soon watch that space patreon.com slash riley and jeff oh that was a bizarre noise you made

riley on instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at riley and spa and on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley and Spa, and on Twitter.com, now known as xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx for as long as it lasts, at Riley Coyote,

and as we say every single week on the show. Every week. Every week, we're always saying this. She says every week. We're always saying it every week. Honey.

Honey. Honey. Honey. Honey. Honey. Honey. Honey. We'll see you next week, honey. Honey. Honey Honey Honey Honey We'll see you next week honey Honey

Honey Bye That was a Hiddem Original