Review Revue - Haunted Houses 4 LIVE at the New York Comedy Festival! (w/ Kylie Brakeman and Ryan Gaul!)

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

Live from New York, it's Ryan Gaul and Kylie Brakeman! Join the creators of comedy joined by Reilly and Alfred as they continue their annual tradition of reading reviews on Haunted Houses!>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. This is the most excited I've ever been in my entire life.

A laugh for that. Shouldn't have been a laugh. Not funny. Thank you guys for coming to Review Review Live. This is our first live show in person we did one over zoom and it wasn't with alfred um and it wasn't good hey hey no um how are we doing are we like um is there anyone who they've never heard the podcast they don't know the podcast great question that's enough how are. How are we feeling?

Are you nervous? What if we change the format? No, I'm not nervous. No? Are you excited? Don't lie. I'm here. Sat in the front row, pretty brave. Doesn't know the format. Is there anyone who traveled to be here?

Woo! What if it was all crowd work? What do you do for a living? Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Alf, how are you doing? I'm so good. I'm pretty tired.

Okay. I ran a marathon today. Every time we start the podcast, you say you're tired. And that should be a sign to my doctors, to you. Daniel, my boyfriend and I, we watched the marathon today. I cried the whole time. Every second. It was like truly just watching people,

watching people running, that's what a marathon is. I was watching people and I'm like, they're really doing it. Like they're really like, we're all just humans watching each other run, which is what our bodies are like. Not to put you on blast. Okay.

But to put you on blast a little bit. You did say this morning, why is it so long? Why are they running all day? I don't understand. No. How can it be so many hours? To put you on blast, I said this last night, and I didn't say, why is it all day? I said, it really takes all day.

Okay. So exactly the same. Because one of our friends who lives in New York couldn't be here tonight because his girlfriend's running the marathon. I'm like, oh, that's like... It's like an old day thing. You're out of commission all of Sunday. I was being fully serious.

He's like, yeah. I tell this to Alf. I'm like, I can't possibly take all fucking day. He's like 26 miles. We lived in Boston for four years. There's a marathon every year. All the colleges get it off. Never watched it. Never watched it once. Never watched it once.

Got drunk in the street every year instead. Much better pastime. What else is new? We're recording this, by the way. This is our first live recording of a podcast as well. Yes. Yes. So even if it's not funny, be like, ah, yay.

So then people listen. They'll be like, oh, my God. I missed the best show. And we're only going to charge like $25 on Bandcamp. Like, it's yay. So then people listen. They'll be like, oh, my God, I missed the best show. And we're only going to charge like 25 bucks on Bandcamp. Like, it's super, yeah. But marathons is the topic, right? I guess. Because we've been talking about marathons for five minutes.

Boo. Right? You scared me. It was a haunted house. No, we're not here to talk about marathons. Crazy. We are here to talk about something scary. To me, running. Crazy. We are here to talk about something scary. To me, running is terrifying.

We are here to talk about something scary. We're here to talk about something a little surprising. Done three versions of this episode before. We've done three versions of this episode before, but never in person and never with these two guests at the same time. Now, these two guests are two of the funniest people that have ever lived. They invented comedy. They're a double act. You've seen them a million times together.

You've seen them a million times together. We could not be more excited and grateful to have our two guests come out in a second, and by a second I mean once the music starts. As soon as that beat drops. We've got...

What if you sang an acapella? This was all a play to get you to sing. It was all a play. And if it's the music... Starts... We've got Kylie Brakeman and Rodney! Come out. You can come out.

You can come out. You can come out. You can come out. We told them that we were playing Disturbia for them. They were like, Disturbia? We're like, yeah. And I love it. I support it. Thank you guys for being here. I'm very happy to be here.

We're so excited to have you guys. If you couldn't tell from Ryan Gould being here, we're doing Haunted Houses 4 today. Yeah, come on guys. We're doing Haunted Houses. How are you guys? I'm good. Just enjoying being adjacent to the marathon. I know you already talked about it. Being on a slow train from the marathon. Awesome stuff all around. Yeah. So you were going slow. They were going fast. Did that feel good? Yeah. Yeah, it felt poetic.

Okay. Because I'm like, I'm not doing what you guys are doing. I did love seeing people on the train with like, I saw them have medals and ribbons on. And I was like, oh my God, you ran your survey. And it said volunteer.

I'm like, that's nothing. Literally anybody. Yeah, why don't you get a job? Why don't you do something with your life? How the hell are you? I'm like, that's nothing. Literally anybody. Yeah, why don't you get a job? Why don't you do something with your life? How the hell are you? I'm great. You know what? I had my AirPods fixed at Grand Central Station today.

What was wrong with them? One of the, well, this is interesting. Sure hope so. I'll get into it. You guys take a break. I'll talk to these guys. No, one of the, what I learned was they're called tips. What's that?

Sure. The tip of the AirPod is like the little soft part. Well, yeah, you're way ahead of me. It's a very hacky joke, and I used it probably six times to six different Apple employees. I bet they loved it. And did they love it? I bet they loved it. Yeah, they loved it. They were like, uh-huh. I bet they loved it. And did they love it? I bet they loved it. Yeah, they loved it.

They were like, uh-huh. Never heard that before. But no, I broke one of my tips, and I was like, how do I get this fixed, or do I have to buy a whole new one? And she was like, oh, honey, it's $8 for two new tips. And I was like, well,

how much is a whole new set of AirPods? And she was like, she didn't even tell me. She just looked at me like, you dumb asshole. No, just get the $8,000. It's $10,000. So, no, I got that. And then I had a wonderful journey out to Brooklyn from Grant. Yeah, it was wonderful.

And easy. Easy. It was easy to get here. Well, we're not here to talk about easy. We're here to talk about scary. We're here to talk about, and it's very timely. It's, you know, a week after Halloween. And we're here to talk about haunted houses.

Now, guys, experience. I know you have a lot of experience. Lots. And I want to hear about your year. But I've never talked, we've never talked to you about haunted houses. No. No, and this is going to be new for us. So I'm from L.A., and I would frequent Knott's Scary Farm occasionally. Do we know Knott's Scary Farm?

Okay, so I guess I first have to explain what Knott's Berry Farm is, because that's where the word scary becomes a play on. So it's sort of this like nightmarish, themeless theme park that is like an amalgamation of different, like they're like, it's the 50s, but it's also, there's a Mexico section. And it's also Snoopy for some reason. And Snoopy and cowboys. So it's kind of, so when it flips to Not Scary Farm, it's just sort of like some extra weird stuff going on.

But I went in high school when I was 15, and I was in the process of beginning to maybe date this guy. And we went in a group of six, which is how you did dates back then. Chaperone. But you don't do that anymore? Just back then? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you do you. and you do you. And you do you. And there was a critical, I remember there being a critical moment where it was clear that, because I did a little like, I'm cold. Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am. And it was very clear that like, that was the moment, and everybody knew, that was the moment he was supposed to offer his jacket. A hush fell over the group, and they're like, yeah, Kylie's cold.

Like, it's going to happen. They're gonna kiss. But then he didn't and a weird amount of time passed and so his best friend gave me the jacket and I ended up wearing that for like

two hours and I felt really uncomfortable and the friend felt really uncomfortable because we're like, I shouldn't be wearing the jacket right now. But I did eventually get with that guy a week later. Good, good. So it all happened. Wow. So that's my haunted house story. That's amazing.

By the way, I thought Not Scary Farm was a play on Not Scary Farm. That's where I only knew Not Scary Farm. So I was like, oh, that's fun. Theme Park was a play on Knott's Scary Farm. That's where I only knew Knott's Scary Farm. So I was like, oh, that's fun. A theme park was a play on a themed night? A few weeks during the year, they turn it into Knott's Berry Farm. That's fun. It's so popular. What if we made it not a Halloween theme and year-round?

It'd make so much more money. What if we made it a roller coaster theme? That'd be kind of fun. That's too much more money. 364 other days. What if we made it a roller coaster theme? That'd be kind of fun. That's fun. One time when I was 17, I went to Knott's Berry Farm, and my friend hollowed out a lemon tartlet and filled it with mustard and dared me to eat it. And I did.

And was he working for the haunted house? No. Jesus Christ, man. It was a bear dare. I had to do it. A bear dare? What the fuck is that? You don't was a bear dare. I had to do it. A bear dare? What the fuck is that? You don't know a bear dare?

No. Basically, you would say, Riley, I bear dare you to eat this lemon tartlet that's filled with mustard. I know what a double dog dare is. And if you didn't do it, if you were chicken, shit, and you didn't do it,

I would get a bear on you. And we all know what that means. I certainly do. If I have a bear on you, what would happen? Let's say we're know what that means. I certainly do. If I have a bear on you, let's say we're at a wedding reception. It's a very quiet tender moment.

Yes, we're getting married. And I have a bear on you. Okay, and the groomsmen are giving speeches. And I lean to you. And I say bear down. You have to stand up on your hind legs and roar like a grizzly. But my question is, what if I didn't,

because free will, famously, what if I was like, no, I'm not going to bear down? What would happen? Then I would get another bear on you. But I don't. And they'd just fucking rack up and rack up and all before you know it. It's an honor system.

Yeah, you don't say no when someone asks you to bear down, you bear down. Listen, Riley, you gotta bear down. You have to bear down. Holy shit. You definitely, all respect for you is gone if you don't bear down.

Okay, so your story is that you hooked up with your boyfriend's friend. Your story is that you ate mustard. And what was the last haunted house you did? The last haunted, well, I did do that you ate mustard. And what was the last haunted house you did? The last haunted... Well, I did do knots this year, but I also... Do you guys know...

You love haunted houses. Anybody know what McKamey Manor is? There's a Hulu doc about it. I watched the first two minutes and then I got scared. Yeah, it's terrible. Well, it turns into something very weird that is not about haunted houses. Eventually, by the end, you're like,

I feel bad for vets and women who have been sexually assaulted. And you're like, that's not what I signed up for. Hey, listen. But you've been? No. You don't get charged to do this. You give a bag of dog food.

This is not a joke. You give a bag of dog food or a can of wet dog food. And then they have to eat it? And if you make it through, you get $20,000. And nobody has ever made it through this house. Wait, where does the dog food go? I probably would. Isn't that always the question?

I don't know. I think the man who created it, as creepy as he is, he is an advocate of dogs and shelters and stuff like that. So you're sort of like, well, I've got to do McKamey Manor now. But no, for some reason it's connected to that.

I don't know where the dog food goes. No one's ever made it through. What I say and suggest, we all go tonight and we try to do it as a group. What I want to say, if anyone doesn't know what McCamey Manor is, it's not just eat dog food and get money. It's like I torture the shit out of you until you tell me to stop. No, you have to sign something that says they can pull your teeth out. It's crazy stuff.

They waterboard you. They try to almost drown you. Listen, it's Halloween. It's classic Halloween. Live a little. Live a little. Sign the NDA. Come on.

Anyway, I did not do that. I did not do that. I did not do that. And I won't do that. Don't. For a lot of reasons. I have no dog food. But I did not. I enjoyed it very much.

But I will say, I was just home in Maine. And this is the first experience I ever had. I don't believe I lived in a haunted house growing up. But one night, at probably 1 in the morning experience I ever had. I don't believe I lived in a haunted house growing up, but one night at probably one in the morning, I had to pee. Don't be weird about it. Nobody said shit. Come on.

Everybody was saying something in their mind. They're like, ew, gross, he's peeing. No, I walked down my parents, this is the house where I grew up, I come down the stairs and I turned on the light at the bottom and I had just been having a long conversation with my mother about my grandmother.

And like whether, and she was, we were talking about how like sometimes we talk to my grandmother and she talks to her mother, my mother. She was living with you at the time? No, she was not. My mother was there. This is, I need to start over. All right, back to one.

Play the song! Play the song! Do you want to say anything? We can project. Point is, I got to the bottom of the stairs, and we had just had this conversation, and I was like, thinking about my grandmother. I don't know.

I stopped, and a picture of my grandmother on the wall slammed to the ground. It's the only time in my life, and I'm 20, it's the only time in my life that something like that has happened. Literally, the picture dropped and I said out loud,

I just said, Gam, and that's what I called my grandmother. I was like, gam, not now. Yes, yes. No, not right now. I gotta piss. I can't do it. I'm on my way to pee, and it's the middle of the night.

Let's hit this when there's sunshine in. Yes. Please. Yeah, talk to me when I'm less full of piss, please, Grandma. Because it's coming out. I do the same thing. So we live, my boyfriend and I live in like a 1920s, 30s apartment in Los Angeles. And so, of course, I'm like haunted.

And I was home alone the other night. I was watching Practical Magic for the first time. It's very good. Elate to a lot of pop culture. But I noticed one of like our plants in the corner of our apartment,, one of the leaves just started shaking. And of course, I'm like, ghost. And I do the same thing. I saw a TikTok one time that was like, if you feel a spirit in your house, just ask it politely to not do that. So I was alone in our apartment. And it's most likely the air conditioning vent right above it.

But out of the corner of my eye, I just see a branch doing this. And I was like, I'm going to be brave, Anspa. I'm like, ghost, I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating. This is exactly what I did. I'm like, ghost, I'm okay with you being here. But please don't make your presence known physically because I'm very scared. But it can let its presence be known in other ways.

You're conceding. But if you want to invade my thoughts, give me weird, freaky visions. But if you need to use my body, then do that. If you want to speak through me, please. But I have not done a haunted house this year. I was just telling Kylie beforehand that a new friend of mine texted me a couple weeks ago

and was like, I have an extra ticket to a haunted house in LA. It's called the 17th door. It's, it's one of those like immersive ones. That's like, you can electrocute me and slap my face. And I'm like,

and they're like, if you want to come, like I have an extra ticket. And I'm like, you've met me once. What part of me screams like that kind of night? Yeah. You have something to say?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No part of you, no part of you. Do you want me to read a review? Let's get started! Yes. Okay, now everyone gets to see the part

that normally gets cut out, where I open my camera roll. Sorry, hold on. No one can see this, and so i just have to say something so i so i took screenshots on yelp like a normal person whatever i just peeped out phone he has photos of a phone with the review on it it's not the actual review. Please hold it up. Turn that brightness all the way up. This fucking sucks. It's from far away.

It's not from that far. Okay. Well. Oh, God. If you must know, I was at brunch this morning, and my mommy found this review, and I took a picture of her phone, because I don't like to do work for the show.

And this one is from Jess S. What's the house? I can't do it. I definitely remember. He has to zoom in on the phone first. I got to put it. That's too much work. Bump the contrast.

So this is for Nightmare. It's a deep fried meme. Nightmare Mansion. Where? Ha fried meme. Nightmare Mansion. Where? Haunted House. Where? Virginia Beach. Okay.

Virginia. Okay. Jess S. Can we get a last name for S? Jess S. Salamander. Salamander. I heard Salamander.

Jessica Salamander says, one star. Not scary. Only had one actor. Not scary. Only had one actor. Poor girl is good, but not enough of her to go around. You can bring your five-year-olds in because it's not scary. Poor girl.

Wait, what? Not enough of her to go around. What's the house called again? It's her to go around. What's the house called again? It's going to go ahead and be called the Nightmare Mansion. Nightmare Mansion and it's one actor? Poor girl. Not enough of her to go around. She's just

sweaty like, um, running from room to room. I'm the ghost! I'm the ghost, I'm so sorry! She's going down slides to get to the bottom. You have to walk past people and I'm like, I'll get to you in a minute. I'll get to you. I'm going to scare the shit out of you.

I swear to God. Oh my God. She's waiting tables. She's like, sorry, I'm going to be I got your waters. I'll have somebody bring you waters. That's horrible. It's like, it's so, it's already so uncomfortable. I don't know.

From the one time I've ever been in a haunted house, like, there's so much of the ambient of like, of waiting in line and being like, what's going to happen? But to see the behind the scenes aspect of like this one girl, there's not enough of her to go around. How does she, like, I would hope that there's not enough of her to go around. How does she... I would hope that there's some sort of dumb waiter in the house that she can crawl and ascend to.

Because how else is she doing this? How is she getting from room to room? Unless she just sort of follows them and does different voices. I imagine at her interview, she was like, I'm in. You only need me, bitches. Trust me.

I know you planned on like eight to ten actors. Well, we only need to pay for one actor versus paying for like 15 people. And if you're sure you can do the job. I can do it. You can scare. We get roughly like 200 to 300 patrons every couple hours. That's honestly kind of a joke to me.

Which part? When you said you only get 200 to 300 per hour. Is that what you said? Yes. Oh, sorry. I was on a phone call as well. I'm sorry. Do you want this job or are you on the phone for another thing? Can I finish up my phone call? Would rather. Have you been on a phone call as well. I'm sorry, do you want this job or are you on the phone for another thing? Can I finish up my phone call?

Would rather... Have you been on the phone this entire interview? I'm not even talking to you right now. I like you. Sorry, hold on a second. I'm sorry. Give me one more second. I'm almost done.

Is that to me? That's to you. To me, Douglas? Yes. Yes. Yeah. No, it's going fine. I think they're going to hire me.

No one has ever spoken to me like this before. Oh, that's fine. I love it. Good. No, I love... Can I tell you what I love? Halloween. I love Halloween season. I love can I tell you what I love Halloween I love Halloween season I love the

smell of fall I love the smell of dying leaves excuse me I'm on the phone I see I love the smell of dying leaves I love the smell of a tree that is trying to re like die but also rebirth I love the smell of squirrels sorry Hey, Becca. Sorry, can I just say something? Are you still on the phone? I really respect you and your time. You're in my office. Yeah, sure. Can you hold? Yeah. What's the matter? Nothing's the matter.

I want to hire you for the haunted house. I'd love to accept the position. Could we could you hang up the phone so we can go over the deal? You got it. Like I said, 200 or 300 guests per hour, and you are positive that you can do the job of cast of 15. Listen, I understand why you would question

whether I could handle it or not. That's a lot. You go to a place like Boo Strawberry's Farm. Oh, not Boo's. That's our biggest competitor. Cut to opening night. No, and I didn't want to bring that up, but I do have an interview later with them.

Cut to the opening night at the haunted house. Ambience is pretty freaky, huh? This is great. I can't believe... They're probably going to have a bunch of actors and stuff. I've never been to one of these places. Welcome to Nightmare Mansion! Oh, my God!

Oh, wow! He really got me. Oh, where did she go? I think she's running up the stairs. Is she upstairs? No, I'm right here. I'm right here. Right here.

I was just checking to make sure all the ghouls are ready for your entry. Wow, she did a full costume change. Give me a second. Just a second. Do you scan the QR? Yeah. Is that someone else? I'll go get the machine.

Okay. So this is pretty freaky. I don't even know about freaky scary. This is weird. Yeah. It feels like, I don't know, there were budget cuts or something. I don't know how this could be happening. My cousin came last year.

He said it was life-changing. Really? Yeah. Okay. So it must get better. I bet it's like yeah we should go up the stairs welcome do you have the machine to stay fuck I knew she wasn't gonna so you guys know each other from work? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool, that's nice. It's my first time hanging out outside of work.

And I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I think that we are more than nail polish. Hang on, I think she's got the machine. Oh, false alarm. That's just her. I can't tell if she's above, below, or on the periphery. It feels like it's coming from my brain. Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here I am. Oh, I love it. Do you need a second to, you can just like land? No, of course I don't. Here's the machine and please just use your QR code to sign in.

So I put my- And then welcome to the scariest night of your life. Okay, okay. Okay, there's three separate. That's fantastic. All right. And then we'll have a quick little moment of a costume change,

and you'll be welcome into Chamber One. Oh, okay. Okay, that sounds scary. See you in 20 minutes. Oh. Oh, is there... you in 20 minutes. Oh. Oh, is there... I didn't realize there was a wait. I thought since we were at the front of the line

that it was like we're straight on in. No, you're welcome to stand at the entrance to chamber number one. Do you want a water or like... Mmm. No, I'm fine. You said mmm like it was tasty. Do you want a water? No, I was sipping off of my camelback.

Oh, okay. That's why. You've really put it was tasty. Do you want a water? No, I was sipping off of my camelback. Oh, okay. That's why. You've really put that into the trench coat. Yes. Cut to a different room, chamber like five. Dude, I've been waiting. I'm like not even fucking.

This is going to be scary, Brad. What? Dude, I thought it freaking was. This is for babies. There's like one woman. Hello. And welcome back. You have been some of my favorite customers.

I'm sorry, is the nosebleed part of it? Well, it is now! It is now. Have you been scared to the bone so far? I'm serious. How fucking lame this haunted house is, Brad. You said this was going to scare the shit out of my ass. The Instagram graphic was really freaking scary. Well, get ready for this.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. He's throwing up. Sir, sir, I'm sorry. No, I have like a voice. Sir, sir, we tap out. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Literally stop. Literally stop. Literally stop. Tapioca. Tapioca, tapioca. They said it was a safe word. I assumed it was tapioca. Tapioca. He said there was one, so you assumed it was tapioca.

It's fucking always tapioca. I'm sorry. Do you need us to clean it up? If you're off. No, no, I'm good. I actually don't want to at all. Just give me a second to recover. It'll be fine.

Honestly, I apologize. I've taken on too much. Did you know this was going to be the job? What kind of fucking question is that? That's what you were stepping over across the hall. I thought it was a very generous question, actually, given the circumstances. No way.

Yeah, I guess I knew it was going to be the job, but I thought I could handle it. Sorry, lady, could you just give us a second? You can take a second. I just need to talk to my comrades here. Fine. Yeah, I'll give you a second. That's the slowest she's been all night. I think she's just knocking on the door.

She's so sad. Brad, I know you're trying to impress us. I know you want to get into our frat, and you're like, this is like hardcore shit, but like, dude, all we've seen is a really stressed out lady. And like, that kind of scares me a little bit, but it's not like, oh, I'm going to have nightmares about it. No, dude, dude, I swear,

and I'm a great fit for Kai Alpha because this dude this girl she's so scary I promise it gets scarier full disclosure she's my cousin and honestly I was gonna ask if you know her

the resemblance is striking I'm surprised you said cousin yeah yeah yeah, man. And she would always do this freaky shit when we were kids. Oh, shit. Here she comes. Hey, Sarah. Hey, yeah?

Is everybody enjoying it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I've messed up. So, I actually really quickly need you to not blow this for me because I sort of have a lot on the line. Is there any way you could sort of get it together? You want me to do something scary for him?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want me to blow him out of the water? Yeah, could you just like... Yo, selfie for the gram. You could just really put the fear of God into him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've got to get into this frat. There's a lot of beer I want to drink,

and so I really need this from you. Can you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've got to get into this frat. There's a lot of beer I want to drink, and so I really need this from you. Can you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I miss getting hazed. That was so much more fun than this. Fuck. Is that weird to say? That was kind of the best time of the show.

Yeah. No. I bet you thought the chamber five was all done. We've been in here for 45 minutes. The door's locked. I thought it was an escape room for a while. I think it's just like an exit. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, shit. I don't want to. Oh, shit. Are we being rude? I don't know, dude. Are you freaking scared? Yes, I'm scared. What the fuck was that? Oh, well, you'll find out in Chamber

6. Were we supposed to memorize it? I wasn't paying enough attention. Don't forget to memorize the chamber map! Man, I think so. I think we gotta just follow her, because she's gonna get really scary. The last time you were here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? I was freaked out, but I think in more of a familial way. Because I think it's just scary to watch someone you know go through that. But I get it. Door to chamber six is now open.

You have one more room, dude. If we're not scared shitless in this room, you can kiss that dream of being in her frat. Goodbye. No. She's gonna come through. I swear to God. She is going to scare the bejesus out of you. I swear.

I swear. I swear. Let's do it. What's your name? Me? Yeah. Skyler. Skyler Bradbury

how'd you know that cause I have your family what I have your family in the basement she's fucking around no listen to them here is a recording of your family right now what

hey yo that's my sister. Yo, that is your sister, dude. I would know that voice anywhere. That is Tabitha. What the fuck? Dude, I told you. I told you.

I told you. I told you. I told you. No, this isn't. This isn't. If you want your family to live. Holy shit. What do I have to do?

What do I got? I literally do like most things. What do I have to do? You have to give me $4 million. What? I don't have that. And one bag of pasta. This isn't funny, dude.

How did you get Tabitha to do a recording for this lame-ass haunted house? Look, I just, like, give Sarah the stuff, and she just takes it from there. I, look, I really wanted to impress you guys. Is my family here? Well, yeah, of course. They're in chamber eight. We're gonna get there soon.

Chamber eight is now open. We skipped seven. We gotta go get them. Yeah, seven's lucky so they don't do it. Right, okay. Guys, I'm sorry if you don't appreciate this. I just thought I wanted to make it special for you, so I tricked Tabitha in with a handful of candy,

and I told her that something awesome was gonna happen to her. And if that doesn't make me a good... That's exactly what you told us. 18-year-olds will believe anything. If she is 18, we should make that clear. And I just... I thought that this would be enough to earn your respect,

but if it isn't, then maybe I'll see myself out. No, wait. I think that's a good idea. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is going on? It's so dark.

I can't see them. No, you guys aren't allowed in this room. Wait, I'm going up. She's going down. Wait, shit, shit, shit, shit. Dude, I can't see. The lights are out. Are you here?

I'm right next to you. Hey, you're a really broad shoulder. Thank you. I've been working out. I can tell. Stretching my shoulders a lot. It's like the only shoulder. Thank you. I've been working out. I can tell. Stretching my shoulders a lot. It's like the only broad thing about you. It's very unsettling.

I'm getting wider by the day. Dude. I'll be honest. It's your fucking family in here. I think I'm going to run. No. It's been real, man. It's been real.

Oh, my God. Excuse me. Hey. Hi. Welcome to Jersey, Mike. How can I help you? Where the fuck is... Wait.

No, no, no, no. I want to go to Team Bray. Team Bray. Team Bray. Team Bray. Team Bray. Is that you? It's me, Tabitha.

Tabitha. Tabitha. Oh my God. Girl, I'm so sorry that I let my weird fucking friend bring you here. Are you okay? I don't believe you. What? You don't believe you. What? You don't believe what?

Me? You're not really my brother. I am your brother. No, you're her. You're her. There's no way. No, Tabitha, it's me. It's Sky.

I'm going back to Jersey Mike's. I'm going back to Jersey Mike's. Do you want that Mike's way? Does that when it's really wet? Yeah, it's olive oil. It's vinaigrette, it's salt and pepper. It's actually really good. I actually recommend it. Okay, if you recommend it, I guess I have to. Oop, gotta go.

Tabitha! Tabitha! I think I'm in chamber... I'm back in chamber five. Welcome to chamber five. No! I don't want to be here anymore. Tabitha? Tabitha? Yeah? I swear to want to be here anymore. Tabitha? Tabitha? Yeah?

I swear to God I'm not Sarah. Say something only my brother would know. You're ugly as shit. Holy shit, it is you. Everybody else thinks I'm beautiful, but not you. Tabitha, we gotta get out of here now. I think this frat pledge and his weird-ass cousin are on our trail. Okay, I think I saw a way out in Jersey Mike's.

Okay, if you're sure that's the only way out, then I guess we'll go through Jersey Mike's. You have to get a sandwich and say you don't want it Mike's way, even though he recommends it. That's the scariest thing of all. I love pleasing service workers. I know, and the truth is, the bread is stale as as fuck and that's why they want you to cover it in oil because otherwise it's not a good sandwich. Okay, let's go. So, have you made your decision?

Yes, I'd like a provolone and turkey. And will you be having that Mike's way, Mike's way, Mike's way? Mike's way, Mike's way. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Mike's way, Mike's way. I really recommend it. Recommend it, recommend it. It's what everybody does. No, no, not Mike's way. really recommend it recommend it

no no I want it dry you have displeased Jersey Mike punishment will begin now they're making us run they're making us run we get out outside

holy shit are you okay? I don't know anymore. Hi, guys. Can we just do a quick questionnaire on how you enjoyed... Did you enjoy the haunted house tonight? I think I shit myself. Oh, good.

Let me just mark that down. How would you describe your shit? Oh, hey, Brad. Hey, that was some fucked up shit back there. Would you describe your shit? Oh, hey, Brad. Hey. That was some fucked up shit back there. Did you like the Jersey Mike's thing? It was weirdly specific. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're in.

Oh, fuck yeah. If you still want it. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, this is everything I've ever wanted. Yeah, this is everything to me. Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking this rocks. Yeah, yeah, I think I want to do this. Hey, brother, he kidnapped me.

No, Tabitha, girl, I know, but you have to admit, that was some baller shit. And there's more where that came from. No, shit. And there's more where that came from. No, thank you. There's more where that came from. You don't have to do that. My house, Friday night, you're all gonna get kidnapped and you're gonna go to McDonald's.

You're gonna be asked if you want it Gritty's way, you gotta say yes. I didn't know you could plan a kidnapping. Yeah. Like that. Yeah, I do it on Group Me with a couple of guys. To answer your question, my shit was rocked.

It was rocked? I mean like I had a fun time, not like my actual shit. Oh, that's fine. I understand. It's great. You guys have been the only people that went through tonight. Why was it a 40 minute wait in that one room? Well, I guess sometimes

things that are really cool take a long time to wait for. And you know what? That is the slogan of this house. And I didn't read the fine print. Sometimes things that are really cool take a long time to wait for. Some really cool things take a long time to wait for.

I mean, you should thank yourself silly that you're not I should thank myself silly? Thank you, thank yourself silly that you're not. I should thank myself silly? Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Tabitha, come on. I did it. I'm silly now. I was so serious before.

You've never heard of that saying, thank yourself silly? Yeah, dude, thank yourself silly. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh. Yeah. That was kind of fun. Now you do it. Okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. See? Now you do it. Okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you. See? Now you do it. Hey, I'm really grateful. Should we go get some Jersey Mike? Hell yeah. Let's all jump in the air and freeze frame at the same time. Okay.

And then we'll watch the credits roll over. Three, two, one. Yeah. As we go on. We remember. Our next review. Oh, shit. Okay.

Here we go. It's okay to have fun. I'm glad we started with a short one. Yeah. It's okay to have fun. It's okay to laugh. Here we go. I think it's really important to laugh.

I think it's brave even. I think it's... It doesn't have to be a competition. We can all think it's fun it is brand it means something you say you mean something? I said it means something

wait guys I gotta stop you here Riley's got a screenshot can you fucking believe it? nobody does that anymore everyone's got a picture of their mom's phone only nerds do screenshots. This is our view. So I figured, we're in New York.

We're in my city. We're in my town. How many days cumulative your whole life? I have been here probably about a couple weeks. Okay, so not your... Over my entire life. Could not possibly be yours. It's good to come home again.

Name one street. Fifth Ave. Okay, you passed. Move on to Chamber 3. So I figured let's do some reviews from my hometown, New York. I'm walking here. This is for Terror Vision House. Bad name.

This is five stars from Alice W. Can we get a last name for Alice W? Witch. Alice Witch. Alf the other day, I called Alf the other morning. He answers the phone. He goes,

what's up, witch? I think that was taken out of context. You can't say anything anymore he's like look sometimes she's being a witch what's up hag um five stars from alice witch i didn't find this scary but also nothing scares me i'm i'm still five stars by the way i'm still on a quest to find a haunted house, horror movie, or horror book that actually instills fear. The people around me seem scared though, so I think it's a well-done haunted house. Going through it took about 20 minutes, so for the length of time, it's a better value than other haunted houses in New York I've tried. Usually they're only 10

minutes, so short. I like the themed rooms, and the actors were fun and had great costumes and makeup. I also enjoyed the theme of a Hollywood studio, parentheses Horrorwood studio that produces snuff films. Oh. And as a person going through the haunted house, it's as if you may be scouted to be the next star. Please note

no photos or videos are allowed once you're in the haunted house. You're welcome to photograph outside the building and in the lobby. So a porn-themed haunted house is basically what happened. That sounds awesome. So basically, the haunted house is, from what just we saw in the review, an audition to be the lead in a porn. She really buried the lead. She was like, nothing scares me.

This isn't enough. By the way, it was porn. Also, I haven't heard anyone describe a porn as a snuff film since like the 70s when I was around. Living in New York in the 70s. You and Bob Dylan.

Yeah, it's really like, I guess that's where the horror is. It's like, am I hot enough? What if I don't get picked? Am I pretty? Horror is not knowing if you're pretty at any given time. Also, they don't film those in Hollywood. Those are where they film the real movies. You think that no porns are filmed in Hollywood?

No, all the room's taken up by the real movies. There's no space for porn. They're shooting Batman. They shoot movies that are about porn. There was the one with Mark Wahlberg when he had the big old thing. What movie are you talking about? Boogie Nights.

It wasn't porn. It was about porn. It's a very famous movie and I can't remember it. It's Paul Thomas Anderson. It is Boogie Nights. It made me smile as I remembered it. It is Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. Sorry made me smile as I remembered it. It is Boogie Nights.

Boogie Nights. Sorry, I just need to circle back. Yeah, what about it? I was thinking that porns are filmed on sound stages. Yeah, they have to be. What's that? How do they fit the camera in otherwise? Cameras are so big, you have to have a guy going like this.

I remember I was at a friend's house in the valley when I was like, I don't know, I was in a senior high school and there was a party at this one house and she pointed across this house and she goes, that's where a lot of porn is filmed. Like this one house. She sounds so cool.

And I'm like, oh, how do you know? And she goes, everyone knows that. No, it's true. Everybody knows it. You didn't know they do porn there? And everybody does. Yeah, everybody knows it. Everybody does.

You're the only one who actually doesn't know. Well, no. I'm always down to learn. Are you really? Because I feel like if you wanted to learn, you would have already known. Well, no, I'm just, do you guys, oh, so you know the people who live at that house?

Look, it's not our job to educate you, okay? I'm just, do you guys, oh, so you know the people who live at that house? Look, it's not our job to educate you, okay? I'm not trying to put like emotional labor on you guys. You're so naive. I'm just, I feel like it's like

important to be curious. Have you ever been to a slumber party? I mean like, It feels like this is your first time and I'm embarrassed for you. I went to like two hours

of one like last year, but then I like, that was enough for me. So I called mom. My mom. You called who? My mom. Yeah, I was going to say it. You didn't call my mom. Because my mom is named mom. Our mom is named mom too. Yeah. But my mom is also

named mom. Well, that's true. I'm just saying it's like I feel like it's important to know what you don't know. You know? Listen. That's why I'm just saying it's like, I feel like it's important to know what you don't know, you know? Listen. That's why I'm happy to share that. It's like, I don't know that it's a porn house.

And that's cool for me to not know that. Look. And to want to know. We're 16 years old. Do you even know how old that is? That's really, really old. I mean, it's one year older than 15. I know that.

Yeah, it's true. It's also like 16 is where you really find yourself. And my sister and I, we have found ourselves this year. And when we look across our road and say porn was shot there, I kind of think of it differently than I used

to. How so? Yeah. Yeah, what does that mean? Like when we were 15, it was like a way different feeling. Yeah, I guess it was the difference between then and now is what I'm Yeah. Yeah, what does that mean? Like when we were 15, it was like a way different feeling. Yeah, I guess what's the difference between then and now is what I'm asking. Well, we would point like a little shy, like we'd be like, no, there's porn over there. Yeah, we would literally, sometimes we would

be, for example, we had chores in the front yard, and we would have to get out there, and we'd go like, there's porn over there. But it was kind of a question, yeah. But we wouldn't know, we wouldn't know anything about it, and now when we look, that's porn over there, there's porn over there. But it was kind of a question. We wouldn't know anything about it. And now when we look... That's porn over there. That's porn over there.

You can feel the difference in the way we say it. Look at the way our hands are pointing down. Look, we're on top of it. We're in control of it. And you'll learn if you're cool enough to join our trio, if you're the third. If you're cool enough to join our trio, if you're the third. Right.

If you're cool enough. Well, I mean, like, I want to prove myself. Like, there's nothing cooler than being cool. Well, don't try too hard. I literally am trying. My heart is not to try hard. I'm looking down. I'm, like, fidgeting.

Like, I could not be less cool right now. Did you bring a snack to the slumber party? Girls. Excuse me, girls. May I come in? I'm respecting your boundariesing. Like I could not be less cool right now. Did you bring a snack to the slumber party? Girls. Excuse me, girls. May I come in? I'm respecting your boundaries. Oh, sure. Fine.

Hi, Mrs. Smith. I'm respecting your boundaries, girls. Thanks. Thank you, Dad. You're welcome. Thank you so much for having me over, by the way. I know that, you know, it's a school night. Compliment his bathrobe.

The bath? Compliment his bathrobe. Is bath? Compliment his bathrobe. Is that cool? Is that cool to do? Yeah. I'm telling you, he'll love it. I love your bathrobe, Mr. Smith. Thank you.

May I enter the room? Your compliment might feel a bit more sincere. You actually really pissed our dad off just now. Why would you piss him off? You told me to do it. You told me to do it. Okay. It was implied you invited me first.

But we can tell you didn't mean it. Girls, when I agreed to put a lock on your door, I told you the rule was if I asked to enter three times, you would unlock it. Dad. I'm a troll. I'm attempting to respect your boundaries, but in a minute, I'm going to give you a riddle,

and if you cannot solve it, I will. Oh, my God. It's a riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night.

You guys are the cool girls, and your dad has a riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. It's riddle night. You guys are the cool girls and your dad has a riddle to get in your room? Yeah, we know where the porn was shot and we solve riddles. There's porn there. Which girl is even in there? And there are riddles here. Okay.

Yeah, and my dad knows about it, by the way. Your dad knows about the porn? He supports it. That's fine. I'm open-minded. Look, we're not doing the porn. We're just knowing That's fine. I'm open-minded. Look, we're not doing the porn. We're just knowing where it is. You better not be.

And we help pay for it. Ask the riddle. Guys. Refinance it. But anyway, ask the riddle. Okay, sure. Dad, make it one of the long ones. Sorry.

Let me just, I just want to double check. Are you asking the riddle to get in the room? Or are you asking the riddle to get in the room? Or are you asking the riddle so that your daughters will unlock the door for you? I think the role was very clear. Look at the door. You can see whether it's open or not, you idiot.

It's locked, but I don't know who's going to do it. What friend literally is that? It's Bethany. It's Bethany, and we're auditioning her. She might be part of it. So it's Bethany. It's Bethany and we're auditioning her. She might be part of it. It's very simple. He, to enter our room, he asks us a riddle.

If we could solve the riddle, he has the opportunity to trade in money for coins. It's literally the easiest thing to understand. But he said if you guys get it wrong, then he gets to enter. Yes.

But I lose all my coins. So your house is a game show. Can we just get to the riddle? We've been talking. I hear the riddle. I would love literally nothing more than the long, intricate, very well thought out rhyming riddle that your dad has to offer.

I can't wait. There's nothing cooler than a riddle. And if a tiny part of it could be sung, that would be great. Settle down, girls. Settle down. Please will one of you go to the corner and spin the riddle wheel. Okay. And tell me what my...

What is the category this evening, girls? will one of you go to the corner and spin the riddle wheel? Okay. And tell me what my... What is the category this evening? Category is shoes. Shoes! Oh my god, we had shoes the last three weeks in a row. Well, then I'm certainly going to have to dig deep for this one.

What goes on both feet? I knew it'd be a long one! Wow, I guess the rhyme is a kind of slant kind of thing. I'm not really sure where that fits in. What goes on two feet, but never touches the street?

What goes on two feet, but never touches the street? If it's dirty, then there's a sign that it'll be flirty. If it's near the

door, you're asking for more. So is it shoes then? I think I know it. Does anyone else want to buzz in? Hey, use your buzzer. Use your buzzer. Use your buzzer. Use your buzzer. I thought you gave me one on the way in.

Use your buzzer. Bethany was it? Was it Bethany? It's Bethany, yeah. Okay, so. I didn't buzz in. Right, but I just want you to know, if somebody gets it wrong,

you do have a chance to steal, okay? But it'll cost you two coins. Oh my God. And if you steal and you get it wrong, then he gets to come in twice. I get to come in twice, I get to come in twice. But I can't bank them. I have to use them both tonight.

So, sorry, really quick. And the coins buy you. The coins can be redeemed for various basket robin prizes. But he can't bank them. Bethany, he can't bank them. He has to use them tonight. Stop being crazy. And it can only happen tonight on Halloween.

It's literally porn over there. There's porn over there. I have caught up to that. It is porn over there for sure. That I am fully sold on. And it's riddles over here, so buzz in. There isn't much time. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.

She's got an answer. Bethany has an answer. It has to be a form of a question. I forgot to mention. Are they shoes? No. What the fuck? Oh my God, Bethany.

Oh my God, Bethany. Fucking moron. Wait, so I got a role so does he get to come in now or what's the whole thing? That was awful. It's so clear what happens now. You make me miss mom.

I make you miss your mom? You make me miss my mom. Come on. I miss my mom too. Bethany, here's the truth. You were never going to be a part of our trio. We were auditioning you to be like a mother figure to us. Girls, when I put the locks on the door,

it was under the strict understanding that you wouldn't mention your mother anymore. Are you coming in or not? Yes, but first, would you like to know the answer to the riddle? It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks. Who's my good girl? Girls.

Wait, were you talking about one of us? No. You have a favorite. You said that's my favorite girl. You said girl. You said that's the best one in the house, and she's my favorite. Look, as a musician, that's my favorite. Girl, girl, girl. Girl. Girl, that's my favorite girl. Girl, girl, girl. Girl.

Girl. Girl. That's my favorite girl. Girl. Girl. Look, your mother was always the one who was good at riddles. She was the one who knew how to put locks on doors and wear a bathrobe the right way around.

And so she comes back from her business trip in like a week? Business trip? Is that what you call it? No, dad said she went to visit the dirt. Girls, girls, you're old enough now that I can tell you what really happened

to your mother. Come in the room or leave. It's weird that this is all on the other side of the door. It feels like such a personal conversation to have. I can't wait for you to see what our dad looks like. You're going to love it. Dad, do the funny thing with your bathrobe.

Okay. Alright. Let me just stoop to come through the doorway. Oh my god, he's 8'6". Okay. Your dad is huge. That's why we said we couldn't wait for you to see. Oh my God.

Now I'm going to make my bathrobe a basketball. Look, he's big. I love your bathroom. But girls, let's be serious for a minute. Don't look at me. Girls. You're not your kid. But you could be.

This was an audition. To be their mom? When I said your mother is visiting the dirt. I shouldn't be here. What I meant, I was speaking in euphemism. Yeah. A euphemism. I know what that means.

I also know what it means. I know what it means the most. You guys are about to hear what happened to your mom and you're talking about knowing what euphemism means. Well, I just had to make it clear. I know what it is. Yeah. I literally was just pointing out.

When we were 15, I didn't really know what it is, but now I know what it is. Well, at 15, I thought a euphemism was like, oh, it's kind of like something that is sort of like something. But now I know there's a clear difference. She does porn! Your mother moved to Hollywood to do pornography. What?

So the dirt she was visiting was a pornography actor? Yes, it was a dirty gentleman. She was visiting a dirty set. They make sexy films together. Oh my God. Well, I'm proud of her. Does it before happen to happen over there? Wait, does mom live over there?

I didn't realize this whole time we were pointing to Hollywood. That's right. We live right on the border. This side of the streets. Burbank? Burbank. By the airport. Hey side of the streets. Burbank? Burbank. By the airport. Hey, Dad.

Yeah. I think I'm proud of Mom. That's all right. As long as you're proud of me, too. Well, I'm proud of Mom. Right, guys? I sure am proud of Mom for everything she did. Right.

And I stayed. Yeah. mom for everything she did. Right. And I stayed. Yeah. Me and my bathrobe. You got a cool bathrobe, Mr. Smith. Thank you. You looking for a dad? No, I'm sure I'm not. I think it's time for me to leave this slumber party.

No. I'm going to go back to my house. No. Well, now hold on. I think I'd like to offer a rebuttal to that no. No. No. Bethany, Bethany.

Bethany. We were wrong. We chastised you for not knowing where the porn is. You said there's no way I'll ever be in your trio and you knew it from the start. Okay, but we were just like playing with you. This is like how we joke around. This is literally our style of comedy.

We're like Dane Cook. We're like Dane Cook. Do you like Dane Cook? I guess I haven't listened to him in a really long time. Well, that was not an answer. Listen, we love Dane Cook. You like Jeff Dunham? This is a Dunham house.

And that's why we're always having tension with our dad. Come on. I didn't realize they were in a rivalry. I didn't realize it was a Dunham versus Cook thing. Girls. Dad, your robe. Girls, let me get my robe from the basket. It was so big it got stuck.

Yeah, also, it took me a while to really sit with the fact that you guys have like a basketball theme room, like extreme home makeover level. Like you guys. Yeah, well they came. I can see that.

I wanted them to be stars. They came before. What do I need to say to get out of your fucking house? Well, I don't know. I'll tell you

what you need to do. You need to go out of the door. You need to put your fingerprint on the door. You need to solve a riddle. If you answer the riddle correctly, we will give you four tokens. These tokens can be redeemed for dimed.

Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. The dimes have been dimed. They're the most valuable ones. Yes. They're dimed dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes.

Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes.

Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes.

Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. Dimes. I'm hungry oh let's have dinner let's do it I'm thinking Jersey Mike's come on fuck you'd like it do you like it Mike's way you like it

Mike's way you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it

you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it you like it

you like it I love it, Mike Sway. What are the rules of the house? Both of these scenes have just been us gaslighting Riley. Oh, my Christ. You know, art imitates life. Should I do another one? Thumbs up. Thumbs up from the captain of the ship.

Oh, captain, my captain. Oh, captain, my captain. If you say a poem, you get 30 coins. This is for Niles Scream Park. What? Oh, you do have a screenshot of this one this time. Yes, thank you. I'm very modern. Yeah, true for that. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Stop, stop. That's enough. That's enough. My next one is a Polaroid, and this is from Deborah H. H. Deborah H. Can I get a last name for Deborah H? Horseman. Horseman Hal. Deborah Horseman Hell. Deborah Horseman Hell. And this is for the Nile Stream part in Barron County, Michigan. Five stars.

My son and his wife were married there. By an evil nun, no less. Wasn't even themed. It was a great ceremony, and staff made sure we had everything, and they were attentive throughout the event. On a side note, I had never been in a haunted house. Apparently, after watching many hack-and-slash movies,

I found the house somewhat boring. Maybe the other attractions were, but I didn't go through them. What? So Debra went to... Horseman Hell. Debra Horseman Hell went to her son's wedding. Yes, officiated by an evil nun. At a haunted house,

and it wasn't very scary, and they didn't go through any of the other attractions, so they don't know. I love that she found time in her son's wedding to be bored. She's like, this shit fucking blows. son's wedding to be bored. She's like, this shit fucking blows. Let's go to the club.

Look, it was a beautiful ceremony, but fuck, I wasn't scared. You go to a wedding, you expect a good scare. You expect it to be themed. You expect it to be entertaining. You expect it to be different acts that's keeping you awake and alert.

Really, the programming on his wedding, I mean, they could have booked better people. Like, it really, it wasn't the best. To get married at a haunted house is something that is so sick and twisted and, like, so cheeky about it. Huh.

It's giving, no, here's my, okay. If you're, like, a Disney adult, I love you. I'm not one of you, but I love you. I went to Disneyland recently with my friend Elizabeth and we saw a shirt. There's just certain shirts that gives the vibe of getting married at a haunted house.

It's people. No shame. You like what you like. You're putting so many fucking caveats on there. Nobody is going to be like, she fucking shit-talked Disney adults. I'm going to find her after the show. If you're obsessed with a haunted mansion, be obsessed with a haunted mansion. I don't give a shit.

This is so much worse than just saying it. But there are shirts. Just digging yourself deeper. There are shirts. There's a couple shirts that says, he's my foolish mortal. She's my foolish mortal. And it's like stuff like, yeah. I don't even get it.

That's why I was trying to give an intro. And then you're shitting on me for like explaining shit hey man the kids are here so it's like it's stuff like that or I don't know something that's like when someone has like a really intense like love for the haunted mansion or nightmare for Christmas like that's what

getting married at a haunted house is yeah it's an interesting intersection because I do believe that the same type of personality if you're this personality, you approach a crossroads. One road leads to Disneyland and the other leads to scary. And you can choose to become one of those things. But you can't go down both. But it's the same personality.

You just chose a different path. Yes. And so the Haunted Mansion people are interesting because they are both. They have a Jack Skellington tattoo and they're kind of somewhere in the middle. Yeah, yeah. And they could be into some genuinely scary shit as well, but the Jack Skellington sort of neutralizes it. There's also a nun.

Because he's hot. Yeah, there was a little nun. Let's not gloss over that little fun fact. A nun married them. That's not on. Is it the nun from the movie? The titular nun. Or is it just a weird religious woman?

A really mean religious lady. I've chosen to live alone until I die. Is evil the word that she's prescribing to this woman that she just doesn't like? Or is it they're going through. It's like you know how in doesn't like. Yeah, we're married by this evil priest. Or if they're going through, it's like, you know how in Vegas,

it's like, I want to be married by Elvis. I want to be, it's like, oh, honey, we should, oh, if they offer the package, we should just do this evil. Is it extra? Well, I mean, it's our wedding. Come on, don't be silly.

No, I know, but you know, money's tight. You know, we're saving for the honeymoon. I know, but if they're offering it, I mean, like, if we want to get like an evil nun, like she looks pretty evil, right? What's the evil nun package? The evil nun package is not for the faint of heart.

Oh. That's probably us out then, so. Well, hold on. How about you listen to women for once? Okay. Sorry. You got me! Yeah, no.

He hates it. I do. Why don't you keep going? I'm interested. He hates it. Why don't you keep going? I'm interested. I'm listening. Should you choose the evil nun package? You got like 10 years older in the second between us just talking. And I love it.

Should you choose the evil nun package? Her face darkens. Whoa. Wrinkles start to appear on her face. That's our narrator. Is that extra? Is that part of the package? Can I get a narrator? That's extra. Can I cut it? The lights dim.

A candle light. Nobody had a match. Oh! Okay. Maybe I'm into it. Keep going. Should you choose the evil nun package? Uh- it. Keep going. Should you choose the evil nun package? Uh-huh. Be warned.

Be warned. Your marriage will be filled with tumult and torture. Fights in places where there nary be fights. Oh, come on. We never fight. That's like one thing about us. In the ten years we've been together, we've literally never fought once. Not even in

Ikea? Yeah. No, we made it through Ikea. That's, I think, what's really strong and healthy is that we've never had a crossword with each other, ever. Yeah. A light touch against the shoulder shows that he's uncomfortable with what's going on. Oh, well, come on. You don't know us.

So you can narrate, but you actually... I don't think narrators know about what I feel inside. A turn to the narrator shows his insecurity is deeper than first thought. So, if we wanted to do the evil nun, because there's something like... Is it weird that I'm like, ooh?

Yes. Really? Deeply. Okay, so if we wanted to do the evil... Let's say we wanted to do... Let's just say we wantedly. Okay. So if we wanted to do the, let's say we wanted to do, let's just hype that, let's just say we want to do the Evil Nun. We want to do the Evil Nun.

Like, what kind of, like, tumult are you talking about? Because that sounds, like, exciting. I would love our relationship to be worse for me. Yeah, you fucking would. Yeah, I would. The tumult consists

of fire, blood, locusts, and gambling. That was the craziest plague of all that they don't talk about. They don't talk about it. But should you choose

the evil nun package, it will become a part of you. Blood will rain from the skies. Lotto numbers will come to you in your head. Are they the right ones? No!

Okay, they're just random lotto numbers. Should you choose the evil nun package? That's the scary part. There's all the time, but it's never the right one. Like from Lost. You will be haunted by numbers that could be winning, but they never will be. Oh, that doesn't sound as fun as fire and torture and stuff like that. That will be there as well. Okay.

What's he feeling now, narrator? Oh, sorry, I'm on a lunch break. That's all right. If you want to get him back, you have to pay the meal penalty. Now, I'm scared to ask. I thought we were just looking through options. What's that?

Are you going to pay the meal penalty? We're trying to figure out what that is. We have to. It's very simple. In the state of California, you can work for six hours at a time. I've got to. If no meal break is taken, you receive a meal penalty on the employer. And I'm totally willing to take it.

I will come back. I will start narrating again. But right now, I'm knee deep in sandwiches. Knee deep. Where are they from? Subway. Never mind. Look, if my Minnie Mouse,

my beautiful Minnie Mouse, I love this mouse. He's like Mickey Mouse Minnie. She's so Minnie and Itty Bitty. He's my Mickey Mouse. If my Itty Bitty Minnie Minnienie mouse wants to do the evil nun, you know, and pay for this. We could also look and see what else there is,

because it's like, I want this to be our day. Would you like to hear the other options? I'd love literally nothing more than that. I'm just saying, if we don't get married in the next 15 minutes, our anniversary is not going to be Halloween. It's going to be the stroke of midnight. It's going to be November 1st. Let's keep it going

I will rattle through them okay thank you if you choose to forego the evil nun package we have

as the following evil deacon package evil priest package evil altar boy package

oh it's all very Catholic evil communion cracker package. Oh, that one's interesting. We've figured out how to make the cracker do it. Kind of like an anthropomorphic communion paper. Yes, it's all very exciting.

Evil guy package. Oh, that's very Catholic. And normal. Okay. Oh, that's very Catholic. And normal. Okay. Oh. I gotta say, for being at like

a haunted house, this is the most religious haunted house I've ever been to. Well, we are sponsored. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Do you need, what do you need? Pass the mayonnaise? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. You could have asked for mayonnaise at the subway. You can literally have it. I like, I get my own mayonnaise. He has? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. You could have asked for mayonnaise at the subway. You can literally have it.

I like, I get my own mayonnaise. He has a specific, yeah, he has a specific... What packages is he sliding in? I guess I could just ask you, unless it costs anything, can I talk to him? Well, how much longer do you have on your break? Union rules, I've got four hours left. That deal you guys got was great.

Can I ask you something? Just really cool and not... Yeah, of course. If we're just hanging out as pals... Don't pry. Oh, you want to do lunchtime talk? He's on his break. I want lunchtime talk. I was wondering, what packages are you included in? Because you've got a great energy.

I don't do a lot. I do the deacon, the altar boy, the nun, I do the weird priest, and also the perverted priest. Oh, that wasn't an option. I forgot to mention. Pervert priest. I do the normal priest, the normal priest,

which is the same as the perverted priest. Just so you know, because you pay extra for the... They're the same guy. He just raises his eyebrows when he's the pervert. And I fake to be disappointed

in the rest of the church. Well, honey, I know that... Oh, my God. We only have ten more minutes to get married on Halloween. I'm kind of feeling evil nun. Fuck, I was thinking pervert deacon. Well, I don't think pervert...

I know. I think it was evil perverted priest and then evil deacon. I don't know if Pervert Deacon. Well, I don't think Pervert... I know, I think it was Evil Perverted Priest and then Evil Deacon. I don't know if Perverted Deacon was an option. Can the Deacon be perverted? All of them can be perverted. Okay, okay. All of them will be perverted.

Can we do double act Evil Nun Perverted Deacon? You want to pay for a swap-in swap-out? I could get my brother involved. A tag team? That's what I was looking for. You want our tag team package. Otherwise known as a swap-in swap-out. Yes. We can. That can be arranged.

So who would you like for your first position? I think Evil Nun to start. You want Evil Nun starting and you want pervert closing. Yes. Absolutely. And I've always said that. Okay. Step right up.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most romantic day of your life. I love you so much. Chamber one will open now. I'm fucking out of here.

Let's do our last segment. Let's get it over. Ready? Let's do it. This shook me all week long. Guys, if you're new to the show. I remember you from earlier. Did you like it?

What did you think? Fuck yeah. Okay, so this is the part of the show where we talk about what's been shaking our asses all week long. Kylie and Ryan, what have you guys been thinking about nonstop? What has been shaking your ass so hard that you're like, oh my God, my ass is shaking. I can't stop thinking about my shaking ass.

And whoever can go first. I didn't just mean to be like Kylie. No, I'm trying to think of what's shaking me. And whoever can go first. I didn't just mean to be like Kylie. No, I'm trying to think of what's shaking me. I think something that shook me recently was I just found out how much almond butter costs. It's gold. The number is double what I thought plus a couple. Yes.

So there's the riddle. How much do you think it costs? 13 a jar. 15 a jar. Yes. So there's the riddle. How much do you think it costs? 13 a jar? 15 a jar. Wow. At my local bodega. Wow, this is my city. They had like a...

My hometown. They had a couple of almond butters available and when she rang me up and she was like, it was 15, I was like, are there any cheaper almond butters? And she was like,

no. You dumb bitch. No, you fucking dumb shit. No. That's how much almond butter costs. So that's just something I learned. I did buy it. Good. It's not worth it.

It isn't worth it. How many dollars do you think it's worth? I think it's worth $8. And you can quote me on that. Wait, what did you actually pay? What did you pay? I paid $15. $15 for a jar.

For a jar. I think it's a great deal. Okay, you're working for Big Almond. It's a great deal. Big Almond Butter. I will pivot and say shaking. I get very motion sick. Very easily.

Like if I'm in a pool for too long, I get nauseous. Very motion sick. But that's because you're doing the thing where you're going around in circles being like, I'm making a whirlpool. For hours. And I don't understand what's going on. And it works. No.

I tried to go see The Shark is Broken last night. And I say tried because I made it about 15 to 20 minutes into the show before I didn't know there was a big screen where it makes you feel like you're on a boat. And I had to leave. I literally had to leave. I was not on an aisle seat either.

I was in the middle and I had to be like, hey. You made a show of it. This is me for the first 15 minutes. I was doing this. And the woman next to me, I could hear audibly being like, oh my God. This man's dying next to me. And so I got up and I left

and on the way out, they're like, as soon as you exit a Broadway show, they're like, excuse me, come over here. If they think something's wrong. I'm like, I got sick and I don't know how to explain it. I got sick. I need to go walking right now. I can't watch the rest of it. And the man

looked at me and the person I went with and said well this is a first that's shocking and I was like fuck you there's no way this is a first literally you put us out on a boat in the middle and

gave us no warning I thought I was going to throw up at one point I was like maybe I'll make it through this and I probably made it through this. And I probably made it 40 minutes into the show before exiting. But I honestly was like, I might throw up on

a bunch of people in the middle of this show. So I recommend it. It's a great show. Get there as soon as possible. Sit in the middle and take a Dramamine. I saw a show once where we had to walk across the stage to get to our seats before the show started. The only way to exit the theater

was walking back across the stage. About 25 minutes in, a woman in front of me reaches into her lap, gets her fucking purse out, and just goes everywhere. The seats were on a slope. It's cascading down. There's a shockwave. She had to get up and shuffle and walk through a

seam to leave covered in vomit. Dripping. So I think you made the right call. Yeah. No, I'm glad I did. Riley, what's been shaking you? I was about to ask you. No, but I asked you first so I could have more time to think. No, because I want more time to think. Okay. What's been shaking me is reviewer review live.

Shut up. Because now you can't take it. Wow. Now you can't fucking take it. But this has been such a good time. Thank you guys for coming out. I just like, whatever Riley's is going to be

is not going to be as good as mine. This sucks now. Mine's going to be like some weird cartoon I think is hot. And you're going to be like, I love being here. I love the city. I love the people.

I love the friends we made. So Riley, take it away. We don't have to talk to have a good time. So I guess it's like while I think of something, it's okay to be silent. Just sit in the space. Just sit in the love in the room. Oh God, what has been shaking me?

Do you want suggestions of nouns? Yes. Dog. You're always fucking talking about dogs. There's got to be a dog you like. Oh, I did. I knew it. Fucking knew it.

Thank you. My boyfriend, we're going to get a dog next year. Woo! Yes. Daniel, it's recorded, so it has to come true. No, we have been wanting a dog.

And by we, I mean really me. Both of us, but like I literally every 10 minutes, apropos of nothing, I'm like, Daniel have been wanting a dog. And by we, I mean really me. Both of us. But literally every ten minutes, apropos of nothing, I'm like yeah, I want a dog. And we're going to get one next late summer, early fall. And I'm very excited about it. We're very excited. And we've been going through...

Planning so far ahead. Because we're thinking about work and travel and when makes the most sense. And I literally, we sat down and we looked at the calendar and we're like, 2034, we are going to get a dog. We're like quarter three of 2024, we're getting a dog. And so we've been thinking about just like

dog names. We don't even know what kind of dog or what dog we're getting. But we're thinking about names that we do like. And Alf recommended one and what's shaking me is that I took it off the list. Because... Fuck off, it was such a good name too so Alf recommended the name Eggo which is really like the waffle

because it's like oh when it's being bad you can be like you're being a little deviled egg or just like you know cutesy shit like that and so Alf was like cause I was like Daniel we should name our dog Egg and Daniel's like absolutely fucking not and then Alf was like you should name it Eggo and we we should name our dog Egg. And Daniel's like, absolutely fucking not. And then Alf was like, you should name it Eggo. And we're like, that's cute.

But then all day we've been like, oh, Eggo, Eggo. And then it's one of those things where it's like I just said it too many times. I'm like, I hate it. Because it's too fucking good of a name. And now someone else is going to name their dog Eggo. And you're going to feel like a right dick. Somebody here is going to take it. Someone here is going to take it.

So, yep, getting a dog. I'll finally be able to shut the fuck up about it on the podcast of talking about how much I want a dog. Because we're going to get one in almost a year. That's shaking me today. Jesus Christ. You're being preemptively shook. Why are you waiting?

Because we just like holiday travel and then I travel for nine months. It's a long Christmas this year. It's falling on a Monday. Back from Thanksgiving, it's June. No, because I travel. It's a long Christmas this year. You know it's falling on a Monday. So I just want to get back from Thanksgiving. It's June. No, because I travel

for work for a couple months next year. I'd love to see you get one tomorrow. So would I. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for being here.

Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Kylie and Ryan, do you guys, where can people find you? Do you have anything to plug? Anything to share?

Oh my gosh. I'm online and I do shows at Deadeye Breakman on all the platforms. That's it. Yay. There you go. I'm also online at RyGall on Instagram.

Follow to... I have hopefully a movie, if anybody likes horror movies, which goes with theme. Whoa, scary. Horror movie, hopefully coming out in the next like. I don't, but I will watch it. Yeah, maybe like we're looking at like three to six months, it'll be available. But follow because we'll update all the time.

It's called McCurdy Point. It's a film shot up in Maine. It's very spooky and small and low budget, but very spooky. Yay! And yeah, that's it. Woo! Do you have anything to plug?

I have something to plug. Daniel Rashid and I made a short film a couple years ago that's coming out in December. It's premiering at Dances with Films. It's called Chauncey, and it will be released online very soon, so we're very excited about that. Yay!

You can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. And we're on Discord at the HeadGum Discord, ReviewReview. Yeah. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com.

Just the web browser, not the phone app. At Riley and Spot and on Twitter.com. Every single week. Every single week. We say this every week on the show. You all know it. You all know it in the audience. We all say it together. Fuck, what is it? We say it literally every week. Do. We was in. That's reviewing. Do reviewing.

Woo! Thank you guys so much! Thank you, Littlefield, for having us. Thank you guys! Thank you, guys! That was a HitGum Original.