Review Revue - Heelys

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

Alf and Reilly break federal aviation laws in this weeks episode of Review Revue.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

Alf wears his sunglasses inside so he can, so he can make the improv scenes and story lines and Alf wears his sunglasses inside so he can so he can keep sunlight from searing his eyes Riley's calling him out Don't know if she cares about his eyes She's just after clout But I really gotta ask Did the curtains not make the move now? Oh no Blackout curtains would really help now, oh no I can't believe it, cause those damn curtains were white, shook your ass Your ass. I'm just going to fade out because I'm not submitting another four minute song.

You're welcome. Woo! Starting it off with a banger. That was from, you guessed it, Tyler. And that was from September 17th, 2023. The title of the email is all caps. one Tyler says oh you thought I was done nope back at it again for another auditory assault yeah I bet you thought

we were never gonna play that one did you Tyler this time it's the only Corey Hart song anyone cares to remember sunglasses at night turned into sunglasses inside in reference to the episode that started with Alf wearing sunglasses even though his what shook me was his blackout curtains eight times where the curtains alf cut this one down because the original is you guessed it four minutes long and i don't want

to be the reason there's a time cap on these things tyler thank you so much hey guys tyler i don't want you to take this personally but what happened here today was r said, we've got no theme songs. We've finally run out of theme songs. And I said, no. I know there's got to be one in the can from Tyler that you didn't want to play. And there was. There was one. Not that I didn't want to play. Yes, Tyler, that's why she didn't play it.

Not that I didn't want to play it. But guys, we need more original songs. Seriously. We've gotten some fantastic stuff. We've gotten some amazing, amazing stuff. And Tyler, thank you for that. Some truly earnestly good stuff. And Tyler's been submitting them as well. Hey, come on, man.

Come on. I'm just razzing. This is, sorry. This is the third hummingbird I have seen outside my office window in two days. That's got to mean something. That's got to mean something. You're probably attracted to the, you know, to the stink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not even saying this from what shook me. I, no, stop. The stench. I, the Jesus saying. Okay, guys.

This is great. You guys aren't ready for what she's gonna fucking talk about here. What's new with me? What you're thinking she's gonna say is not what she's

gonna fucking say. Oh, what's new with me she's gonna fucking say oh what's new with me i genuinely thought you were joking when you told me no no wait wait wait so for the listeners the way that i've been talking about my upset tummy my you might remember last week's episode there was a lot of dire a lot of me talking about how i've been having really upset tummy for the past couple weeks but in real time so we've been recording like this has all happened in the span of like two weeks but you guys were saying this will be like a three-week saga at the end of the three-week saga but in real time I found what like cereal like the podcast cereal I I'm just gonna cut right to the chase if If you can believe it or not, how retro is this?

I have, drum roll please, Riley's mystery illness is E. coli. E. coli. E. coli. I have fucking E. coli. That's why I've been saying it, E. coli. I have E. coli. How fucking retro is that? Excuse me, 2011, your disease is calling.

I know. And you know what's fucked up, Riley? What? I just got a text. You also have it? How crazy would that be? I just got a text from your doctor. Did he say, I'm so 2008, you're so 2008?

I'm actually, she said, you have H1N1, the swine flow as well yes i've mad cow you are a mad cow come on she set me up no but i have e coli and there's something really beautiful about like going back in time in that way to where do you genuinely think you got it um probably eating well probably eating so much ass but what's really confusing is that i've had an upset tummy for about two to three weeks but my tummy got really upset these past four or five days and i had chipotle you're lying i'm not even fucking like on a Chipotle on a Sunday they cannot avoid and then on Monday is when it was the worst Monday was the worst of it and so

you should report it so I don't know what's going on bro it's like can I ask you a question yeah did you get lettuce on your Chipotle bowl yes the lettuce is where the E.coli is I know oh my god you poor thing but it's confusing because

I so I'm not it's confusing because I... So I'm not positive with that because I've had an upset tummy for weeks. And then... But you weren't having diarrhea. Yes, I was. But I was... But the test came back negative for E. coli weeks ago. So it's definitely the Chipotle.

I'm sorry. But it came back positive. But then why was i having it two weeks ago anxiety i don't know you were taking antibiotics though but that was like a month ago but that could have led to the generalized upset tummy it feels like it's too far apart i don't know but regardless i have e coli and let's not lose sight of what matters here let's not lose out of the present it's really funny that you have this particular infection of course i've been googling all day will e coli kill me of course it could but it

won't now why would you say that to me? Now, why would you say that? Because I'm a little trickster, much like Loki. Now, what's new with you? Now, you know I'm gonna be, you know my OCD ass is gonna be spinning on it. I'll be like, huh. I could. Well, it could. Yeah, well, you could die from lead poisoning from that Stanley Cup

you're drinking out of. It's not a Stanley Cup. It's a Target brand knockoff Stanley Cup. I don't know why Riley's lying on the podcast. She doesn't want of it's not a stanley cup it's a target brand knockoff i don't know why ronnie's lying on the podcast she doesn't want i can see the wall i have a hydro floss downstairs oh my god picture this the wall behind her is just it's just a shelf lined with stanley cups all of her different stanley cups have you seen the tiktoks of tumblers of people making like water like different like here's my water for the day and it's always gone it's like 80 glitter yeah i do it's like do you have i have a big problem

with edible glitter okay i stunned her into fucking silence you have a problem what was that was your pager going off what the fuck i got a work email oh um yeah edible glitter that doesn't feel like it can possibly not be like best case scenario we find out it it wasn't doing anything bad worst case scenario it's not i don't think i've ever on purpose ingested remember when there were all those articles coming out being like girl ate boba every day for a year. Turns out now she's half tapioca. You remember those articles that were like, x-ray reveals woman stuffed like a beanie baby with tapioca. And it's like, that's what I feel like is going to happen with the edible glitter.

It's going to be like someone's going to do an autopsy. I mean, I wouldn't know. I've never eaten it or drank what's new with you what is new with me well we're in the i mean this is episodes not gonna come out for quite some time but we're in the height of basketball you're missing the big game i'm missing the big game listeners at home know what happened in the big game but i don't and i i've lost money already i've already lost money how much i don't we don't need to talk about how much money i've already lost but let's just say it's a good thing i only

let myself gamble once a year you know what i mean but anyway riley what's what's new with me is basically just that um i love the sport i love the it's the thrill of the game i love watching those kids go um and hell let's just let them play ball watching those kids go let's just let them play ball okay ref come on why are you writing that down why are you writing it down i'm not writing that i'm writing down that work email that i just got you can't be working wow this is a work i'm not working i'm not working. I'm not working. I'm writing another thing that I have to do for work after this. So I remember.

Okay. Sounds like work. Anyway. Can I set an intention? Can I just set an intention right now? You can, you stupid ass. This is going to be the most contentious episode yet. That's going to be tough because our Jan 6 episode was awkward. It's going to be the most contentious episode yet that's gonna be tough because our jan 6 episode was awkward

it's gonna be this contentious one yet okay okay fine fuck you speaking of something intense speaking of something crass crass what we're talking about heelys. Heelys. Now, Alf, talk to me about Heelys. Heelys are... When I was a kid, there were few things in this world I wanted more than Heelys. I wanted them so bad. I thought every kid... Sorry, really quick. I'm sorry to cut you off, but you are standing and you are like shifting from side to side.

I know. I'm doing the standing one again. With a shirt with the face of William Shakespeare on. You know what's funny about this? I'm wearing a shirt with the face of William Shakespeare on it, which I know is like, Jesus. And you look manic, by the way. You like can't stop moving. And what's different from every other episode?

This t-shirt that's like, this face couldn't be anyone other than Shakespeare, right? One time when I was in college, I was wearing this shirt because this is like, this is a big nighttime sleepyhead shirt for me. Sleepyhead. And it's 8 p.m., so I'm wearing a nighttime sleepytime shirt. And I was wearing it in my college apartment and my roommate's mom, his parents were visiting and his mom saw me in the T-shirt and said, is that Che Guevara? Stop it. And I said no no no Kathy it it's it's actually Shakespeare it's actually gonna go ahead and yeah I'm doing another standing episode because um I I my chair's broken and I'm, and I don't like my other chair. And so I think the standing could be powerful.

You don't seem to like it though. No, I just. You're off foot by the standing. I cut you off. No, but like now you've thrown me because I want to talk about the standing. I'm sorry. So you, you said as a kid, there were fewer things you wanted more than a pair of Heelys. Yeah, I thought kids that had Heelys were literally the coolest kids in school.

They were like – I mean, I think it also overlaps with like I was obsessed with skaters as a kid. I thought skaters were like the epitome of cool. And did you ever skate? No, absolutely not. I feel like I knew the answer when I had to ask. And here's the thing i feel like i knew the answer and here's the thing i genuinely believe if i had been allowed he leaves yeah i don't think i'd be here today i think i would have been such a liability and i think i even in my like 10 year old head knew that so much that i didn't even really push it you know what I mean yeah I think a few times I

might have been like Healy's mom and she was probably like those are for other kids you know and I was probably like yeah yeah I hear that yeah because I think I was the same I can barely stand and walk in a straight line like yeah Healy's if you don't know what you are i didn't have heelys but i think you did my stepbrothers had heelys i have like heely energy heely kid energy i'm but i'm not which you should take as a compliment because i said that i thought thank you um you said you're not corny like that coordinated oh i'm playing heelys corny and i got offended i no no no if you don't know what heelys are, Heelys are just tennis shoes with wheels in the heel. And there's only one wheel per heel.

And so it's like you kind of glide on them. I think I tried a pair of Heelys once and realized that it freaked me out too much and that I think I had the same instinct and that I would have cracked my head open. And so it never progressed past the trying it out stage. I feel very similar to Healy's about how I feel about like the age that I was when hoverboards came out. You know what I mean?

I was an adult, you know? Had hoverboards come out when I was 10, I think I would have been a menace to society. Are those the ones that it's like it's on wheels? It's a segue without the middle. Okay. Yeah. It's just the bottom part of a segue. So it's not a hoverboard.

But they call them hoverboards. But I think of Back to the Future. Yeah, okay, Marty McFuck. But that's not what I work. Colloquially, they're known as hoverboards. I also thought He-Los were very cool. But watching people use them they make it look so easy yeah and I remember the one time I tried it it's really

hard to like get that glide like it is very hard it's just like I remember kids would be walking down the hallway and then all of a sudden it was yeah and they were just very cool and i was like yeah that's the coolest kid ever that's the coolest thing i've ever seen um but alas that wasn't my lived experience nor was it would you get a pair now no you wouldn't even consider if i wasn't coordinated then my god not today not today. Because I probably think about like, man, it'd be cool to have Heelys right now. Probably at least once a week. I think about getting a scooter. You see, and I never think about that.

Because I'm not a fucking dork. See, I wasn't a Heelys kid, but I was a Razor scooter girl. You were. Were you good? Could you do the... No, I was a Razor scooter girl. You were. Were you good? Could you do the... Loved. No, I just liked riding around on it. But you couldn't do any cool tracks? No, I wasn't a trickster.

I actually liked to play by the rules. I was using it. I was a utilitarian approach to the Razor scooter. Okay, it was a commuter vehicle. Thank you very much. I really... scooter okay it was a commuter vehicle thank you very much um i really it was near the end of our college experience that i thought damn i should have gotten a scooter yeah because near the end of our college experience lime scooters came to boston and they were the bane of my fucking existence because yeah and i'm adding some people we went to college with would go in the fucking

bike lane with those things and then just leave them in the bike lane blocking the bike lane and then i'd be trundling it out or down or trundling around you'd be sleeping in a trundle bed at a sleepover i'd be saying oh i wish this trundle bed were a real bed at a sleepover and then i'd hit a lime scooter and go real bed at a sleepover. And then I'd hit a lime scooter and go- A real bed? Ass over- A trundle bed's not a real bed. It's a bed. It's a pull-out bed. This is short.

You're just short. Oh, you mean real bed as in like, I wish I had room. Yeah, bed my fucking knees don't hang off the end of. Like I'm the fucking big friendly fucko. I'm pissed. I'm in a bad mood mood i'm not in a bad mood i'm changing that i'm not but i know it's a contentious episode but i am i'm mad i am mad but i'm in a good mood a couple weeks ago and it made me laugh very hard i think it's one of the funniest things you've

called me we'll get used to it because it feels like disenchantment because it feels like the elves and doesn't feel like if i were it feels like if i was one Because it feels like Disenchantment. Because it feels like the elves in Disenchantment. Elfo. It feels like if I was one of the elves in Disenchantment, I'd be fucko. They don't still make that show, do they? I don't think they do. Guys, if you ever watch Disenchantment,

the first season is really good. I feel so bad for Matt Groening. The first season is really good. What's he doing with all that money? Every other season is not as good as the first season, but the first season is really good. Disenchantment. I was more of a Chris Enchantment guy.

This reminds me of the time. No finishing. Okay. this reminds me of the time no finishing okay okay this is the standing energy this is what standing does to you if there was a family guy picture this there's a family guy episode picture this

okay there's a family guy it's an episode of family guy the guys are all there it's Peter the guys are all there Cleland the gang's all there you know the guys.

And they're at, let's say, the Drunken Clam, the bar where they hang out. And something surprising happens, you know? And then Peter Griffin. I'm with you. Peter Griffin would say something like, Holy crap. This reminds me of the time. Oh, my God. holy crap this reminds me of the time hey this reminds me of the time i i took my heelys to

9-11 and then it would like cut away to some really like distasteful um joke about him him falling into the one world like fountain yes he would start to slide and then he would go over the railings and into the fountain. Do you want to start or should I? No, no, no. Wait. No, what would he do? No, I don't know if she wants. I can't talk about what quagmire would do. Let's take a quick break.

Okay. And then we'll come back and we'll skate our way into our review. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. and we're back you know when you were a kid and there would be like the boys that would have the swishy pants what? you know when you were a kid there was a material

that like sweatpants were made out of in like the 2000s where like the boys would be wearing them in gym class and it was like you know that noise no afraid not nails on a chalkboard i think you should start oh no i think Okay. I can start. Now, I just want to say, when I went into Amazon and I was typing in Heelys, it auto, like, you know, and they have the recommended searches. The third recommended search was Heelys for men. Hell yeah. And I thought that was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

No, hell yeah. That's cool. And so I ultimately did click on, these are Heelys for adults. Adult-sized Heelys. And adult men. Hell yeah. And I thought that was the funniest thing I've ever seen. No, hell yeah. That's cool. And so I ultimately did click on these are Heelys for adults. Adult size Heelys. And adult men. Okay. Adult men. Don't get it twisted. Men. This is four stars for black

Heelys size 11. Okay. From Jared A. Jared A. Ringstore. Jared A. Ringstore. That's very good thank you the title is i'm too old yes you are i already know that you are before you've even said a word jared bought it because i've never had a pair and always wanted some oh tried for a day and decided, I'm too old for them. But it works as advertised. It's the grimace. It's really sad.

I'm just imagining. So sad. You come home after your day of wearing Heelys and you're sitting on your bed and you're just like, yeah, these aren't for guys like me. It's like someone else wasn't like, hey, man, aren't you a little too old for those? He had a full day and he really had to grapple with his own mortality and grapple with time and age. No, it's not you guys. It's not the shoes. It's me.

Don't worry. I don't want the's not the shoes. It's me. Don't worry. I don't want the shoes to feel bad. It's me. I don't want the shoes to feel bad. Don't worry. Like, Heelys, guys, like, over there at Heelys HQ, you guys are doing a great job. These shoes are, like, it's just like. He's talking to the shoes.

It's just like, you guys are, you fit great. Like, I was going. But, Jared, Jared, we had the best day together, bro. We went all over the city, up and down the streets. I know. We even tried jumping down some stairs. Scared you a little bit, but you made it down okay.

Yeah, I mean, we jumped from the final stair onto the ground. It wasn't exactly, like, you're kind of gassing me up, um, lefty. Uh, it's not hard to gas you up when you're the coolest dude who's ever been in us. You guys. But how many dudes have you had in you? Okay, look.

You may be the only one, but we know that there's never going to be anyone like you. Come on, man. Just go to sleep, have a think, and then we'll shred the day tomorrow. Lefty buddy, take it from me. When you've seen as much of the world as I have, like, you deserve a guy who can, like, you know, do tricks. Who isn't embarrassed to go down the produce aisle in you. Like, you know, you deserve someone who's proud of you. Are you embarrassed of us?

No, it's not. No, shit, that's not what I meant to say. I'm not embarrassed of you. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed of me when I'm with you. So it sounds like you don't want to be seen with us kind of yeah i just don't think i can pull it off i just think i can't pull it off i think our wires must be getting crossed brother because i thought it was like you felt like you

weren't good enough for us. Well, it's kind of that, yeah. But then you were like, I don't want to be seen with you. And so that doesn't feel as bueno. Like that feels a little tougher to swallow. No, but okay, sorry. I could see how I kind of. Because like you're amazing and we love you

and we think you shred so hard when you're in us. It feels like there's no better feeling than you being in us and riding us all day long. I don't want to keep doing this with you. I made my decision. Doing it with us or doing it, period? Doing this whole dance. Like, I'm a loafer guy. We haven't even started dancing.

No, no, no. Wait. You haven't even seen the things we can do. No, no, no. Jared. Jared. Jared. If we danced, you will be the coolest guy at the wedding reception.

I swear to God. Trust me. You've never even tried dancing in us, dude. I've heard this all before. Okay. You are not the first. Oh, so you've been with. Just.

What do you mean we're not the first? I'm just saying there was someone else a long time ago and. Well, who? I don't. Well, maybe. Another pair of Heelys? No, no. I would never.

But, well, maybe it's better if you guys just get acquainted. Oh, so they're here. I'm going to... Yeah, he's been in the closet for... Well, since 2008, so... 16 years. So I'm going to put you in the closet. And maybe you guys can talk something out.

And in the morning, I'm taking you back to Amazon. Okay, I'm returning. No, no, no, no, no. Lefty, you're going in the closet. You're going in the closet. I trusted you. Shut the door. Motherfucker.

I knew it from the second he slipped inside me. I knew that he was untrustworthy. Well, well, well. Oh! Who are you? I'm Freddy Fedora. And I know a thing or two about being tossed and used.

Well, no, but that's not what Jared's doing to us. Jared just, he needs a break. He needs a second. It was 2008. It was the night before band sectionals. He went to Hot Topic and he picked me out on the shelf. I'd never been worn by a guy before.

Brought me home. Put me on his head. Looked in the mirror. Took some selfies. I thought we were going to be together forever. Put me on his head, looked in the mirror, took some selfies. Sounds real nice. I thought we were going to be together forever. But, uh... What happened?

Well, he... Drove to the... Drove to the competition the next day and... Put me on his head when he got out of the car and some girls saw him and... Good so far. Sounds promising. Well, they didn't have the nicest things to say about old Freddy Fedora, so...

Oh, no, brother. Come on. He came home that night and put me up here and... Well, I've been here ever since. Oh, God. Oh, God. I don't want to end up like you. Jared.

Jared, let us out. We're not meant to be in here with this dusty ass. I tried that. He's not coming back, is he? 16 years and counting. He barely even opens this closet anymore no yeah no but today i thought things were going so well we were walking down the street and he's got a crush on this girl who works at the yogurt land on fourth and so yogurt land still around yogurt land still around i was still around pinkberry's still around. Nice. Yogurtland's still around. It's still around.

Pinkberry's still around, but not doing as well as you'd think. But Yogurtland's still popping. If I was betting on one, I would have bet on Pinkberry. Yeah. A hundred percent. But the original flavor, it's not vanilla. It's just tart. Yeah, just yogurt. It's just yogurt.

Which you would want. Anyway. Yeah, just yogurt. It's just yogurt. Which you would want. Anyway. Right, right. There's a girl who works at the Yogurtland who he's got a crush on. And he walked by and he wanted her to notice him, but she was talking to her manager. And so he thought, let's bust these bad boys out, bust out the Heelys and ride past the window. That's a terrible idea. Well, it was good in theory.

Yeah. But as soon as he started, he kind of like, he got a little, he started to ride and then he got too scared, so he stopped himself too quickly. Face first on the asphalt. Stopped himself by his hands hands just barely. Sounds like Jared hasn't changed, man. I remember that day when he busted

me out for sectionals. He got out of the car he saw those chicks and well, he tried to do the Michael Jackson thing where you put the hat down. Oh, that's the coolest. And then you curl your arm up and the hat ends up on your head the right way. Oh, that's the coolest thing And then you, like, curl your arm up. Yeah. And, like, the hat ends up on your head, like, the right way.

Oh, that's the coolest thing. Even though it was, like, upside down. Anyway, he tried that, and he ended up just sort of chucking the hat over his head. Oh, no. Me over his head, I should say. Wow, I'm really dissociating. I was just going to say. Fuck, I haven't talked in a while.

Anyway, and I fell in the puddle. No. Yeah, man. So, didn't even talked in a while. Anyway, and I fell in the puddle and... No! Yeah, man. So, didn't even get me cleaned after. I still got the stains to prove it. So he's really not coming back. He might. He might.

I mean... I used to have a friend in here, Chain Wallet. He was here for a while, but Jared came for him a few months ago, and I haven't seen him in a while. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe he, maybe Jared's come around. Maybe, maybe one day, oh my God, how cool would it be if Jared had a change of heart,

and tomorrow he busted this closet open, attached the chain wallet to his hip, fedora you on his head, and us on his feet. Hope's a dangerous thing, you know? He'd be the coolest guy in town. First 10 years in here thinking, costume party, costume party. There's gonna be a themed party where he can wear me. Here I am, 16 years

later. Hasn't happened yet. This is the least radical thing I've heard all day. You know, maybe you're right. Maybe he'll have a change of heart. Who knows?

Hey, don't cry. Don't cry, man. It's just... Jared wouldn't want to see you cry. Well, it seems like Jared doesn't want to see me at all. I just wish there was something I could do to teach him that you're never too old to be cool yeah maybe hey are you the kind are you the kind of sentient where you can move around um i can kind of shuffle you know imagine like you know when an object in a movie is like possessed by a ghost

it's not coordinated like i'm not moving like we're not in like a kind of we're not you know it's not a toy story or a no i got it i got it oh jared was mentioning some movie what was it i heard him sausage party that was it yeah I heard him talking through the wall about it and I knew that it would be like that. That's his favorite movie. Really? God. Yeah. Hasn't changed. I've only known him for a day, but I feel like

he... Hey, shimmy on to me. Sorry? I have an idea. Shimmy on to me. Shimmy on to you. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Um. By the way, uh, the other guy hasn't said much. Oh, he, he doesn't like to talk too much. He's a strong and silent type. Oh, okay. I just, I just felt like I couldn't let it go without remarking on it. You know. Seems like you speak. Righty, you can say hi. Hi.

You see, he can talk. Hi, Righty. I'm Freddy Fedora. Hi. Hi. Okay. I'm shimmying. I'm shimmying.

Ho. Ha. Get on. Get on. He. Ha. He. Get on. He.

Ho. Ho. Okay. Okay. Shit. Ready? I'm about to change our lives What are you gonna do?

Three Righty you ready? Yeah Three Two Let's shred We roll out of the closet Just enough to like open and just be on the bedroom floor

Jared Jared my bro Jared where'd you go brother yeah so anyway um no i don't uh the party's tonight oh yeah i kind of already have plans i was gonna hang out with some friends and stuff. Jared, you don't have friends. Jared, put us on and go to the party, dude. It's going to be so rad. Where was it again? Steve's place?

Jared, Steve is the coolest guy you know. That guy's kind of a prick. Come on. Put us on. Jared, one last hurrah. People are going to be jamming there. I don't know if i can jam it's my favorite thing jared please all i've got's my old acoustic and i don't know it's been a long time everyone wants you to play it yeah okay wait steph's gonna be there steph oh you're gonna fuck her so hard dude you got us on come on okay i'll be there yeah um what should i wear is there like a wear us wear us oh it's ska themed yeah dude i've got

the perfect outfit i told you freddy, I'll see you in like 20 minutes. That's too early? Okay, got it. Yeah. Two hours? You're the life of the party. Okay, I'll be there when I get there. I'll be there when I get there.

Jared, it's going to be the best night of our lives. You guys are out here. I thought I put you in the closet. We're ready for the night of our lives, Jared. Oh, you heard that? That's what I was saying. Every minute of it. Oh, yeah.

I was probably just going to wear my Vans. I haven't really worn them in a couple years, but it's not like they're not going to fit anymore. They're Vans. We flip up and shoot out the wheels. They're vans. We flip up and shoot out the wheels. Goes in his mouth. Jokes.

I love a normal one. Oh, a normal one? Hmm, perchance. That's our favorite kind. Perchance. Shall I read a review? Shall I read a review? Shall i read a review shall i read a review shall i read a review yeah why don't you that'd be so crazy do it okay would you like a review um for heelys

i would love that that's actually what i was hoping you'd say that okay um here's a review for uh heelys um oh here's a review for heelys um wait a minute here's a review for heelys uh well well well i don't know which one to say i don't know which one to do they're both good five stars from no name at all it's just like an underscore and then a dash and then some underscores and then so oh no name at all um it's kind of like symbol grandma simbolina simbolina shakespeare's best late work um five stars from cimbalina and then the subject line to be clear is five stars okay these helped me find my future wife at the airport no they didn't no they did these helped me find my future wife at the airport biggest lie anyone's ever told oh those are cool shoes man oh thanks

they helped me find my future wife at the airport okay uh whatever coming to mind of like you know the trope of like running to to stop the love of your life from leaving like you're healing through the airport you're like jessica wait jessica wait the security guards are like running the tsa is running but they can't catch up because the helis are going so fast jessica jessica don't get on that plane excuse me oh fuck excuse me sir um you can't go any further than this. We're almost done boarding. No, please. You don't understand, mister. The love of my life, Jessica Burns, is about to get on that plane and marry another man. And if she does that, I'll die. I'm sorry, sir. There's not much I can do.

The boarding's already begun. She's already on the plane. I scanned her ticket a few minutes ago. There's really nothing I can do. If you just let me through, I will get there as soon as I can. Sir, we have these rules for a reason. You know. You're going to stand in between me and true love?

My destiny? The rest of my life? Could you text her, maybe? I'm sorry to do this, but... Wait, wait, no, you can't... He's fast. Jessica, I'm coming. I'm on my way.

Oh, Hudson News. No, I can't. I can't. I gotta keep going. Hey, wait up. What? Dad? Son.

Dad, what are you doing here? He's also in Healy's. Son. I'm trying to catch you. Dad, what are you doing? What are you doing here? I was coming to tell you, you gotta find Jessica. You gotta go after her.

I'm on my way, Dad. They're both speeding it's o'hare the longest you gotta take the chance i never took well that's what i'm i'm on i'm on route dad you gotta get out of here what do you need what do you need uh well i guess i need you to stop security okay i see two up ahead i them down. Wait, what do you mean by that? It is Healy's head first into two men and knocks them over like bowling pins. Oh, God. Thank you, Dad.

Thank you for your service. Okay, Jessica, there's nothing stopping me now. Keep going, keep going. Accidentally runs into grass of a pet relief area. Oh, hold on. I gotta just walk. Okay. And now we're back. Sir, this is for pets.

It doesn't go on grass. I'm sorry. It stops on grass. You can't be on here. This is for pets. It stops on grass. I'm sorry. I know it's just for pets, but I can walk on it.

Could have gone around it. I tried, but it's hard to turn. It's hard to turn. Didn't need to turn. Just needed to like slightly veer or whatever. Jessica, this will be the story we tell our kids one day. This is the biggest airport in the world. Final boarding for British Airways flight 313444.

If I don't catch her now, she's going to marry Rodney. Rodney, the watch billionaire. And I can't have that happen. 1-4-99262. Cardiff, Wales. Wales. She can do better than that. Healy's onto the plane, past the person scanning tickets.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I stop on the metal jet bridge. Sir, the door's already shut. No, you don't understand. I have to get on this plane. No, sorry, it's the law. After we've shut the door, there's no more getting on that plane. Please, what's your name? Um, Rebecca.

Rebecca, I'm Tim. And Jessica Burns, the love of my life, is sitting in first class. She's doing very well for herself. She really is, and she's probably too good for a nothing guy like me. Jessica, you said?

Yes, do you know her? Mm, about 5'9", blonde. Yeah, hair like it's been touched by the gods themselves, more like. Yeah, winning smile. First place. Oh, I have some... Eyes like the sea? Yes.

And tits to boot? Oh, and those tits were booting, but I have some terrible news. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but she was with somebody on the plane. It was Rodney. Did he have watches on both of his wrists? Yes, two watches on each wrist. Were they made of solid gold? Big buck teeth like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit.

Yes, that's him. He's the sexier man between the two of us, I think. Won't fight you on that. Well, no matter. This is my last shot. Well, that doesn't change the fact the door's shut, so... You can open it, surely. I mean, they clock it from the inside.

You need to speak to them. Well, can you call the captain, please? I can call the captain, but there's no way... Okay. Just try. Let me try. Okay, dialing the captain. Captain?

Captain? Captain! Hang on, he can't hear you he can't hear you okay i'm gonna i'll talk to him hi yeah there's a guy here um looking to tell him it's tim looking for i don't think he's gonna know who that is i don't think his name's tim um he's looking for jessica yes with the tits to boot yeah and um she uh apparently she's the love of his life and he needs to see her one more time and he's begging me to open the door but oh well yeah i mean I would say desperate. Yeah, yeah, pretty. If you won't let me on, I have an idea. Can the captain make an announcement to the plane?

Now he's asking if he can make an announcement to the plane, if that would be all right. Yeah, he says, he says, why not? I guess he's a hopeless romantic or something, he said. Can he put the phone to the monitor and I can speak to the plane? Okay, now he's asking if you can put the phone to the monitor and he can speak to the plane. Yes, okay, will do. All right.

Oh, my God. Okay, he says you've got about 30 seconds to make your announcement. and he could speak to the plane. Yes. Okay. Will do. All right. Oh my God. Okay. He says you've got about 30 seconds to make your announcement. Jessica! Jessica! It's Tim. And I'm standing at the boarding.

I'm standing right outside of the plane. I was a couple seconds too late, Jessica, but I helied all the way down the airport just to get to you. I know you're with Rodney. I know he's hot and hung and rich, but I love you, Jessica, more than he ever will. He thinks he loves you, but he doesn't know. He wouldn't know what true love is if it slapped him in the face because you are the best woman

I have ever known. And if you really, really care about giving yourself a good life and a good man you'll get off that plane right now and you will come into my arms and i will wheel us into the sunset my sweet love tim okay that was um moving i think um okay Does the captain say what's happening? Okay Captain, can I ask what's happening? Okay, so people most people had their headphones in but there is a gentleman

who's come up to the front and would like to speak to you Oh god, I bet it's Rodney. Okay, I'm going to hand you the phone now. Thank you so much, Rebecca. You're being so patient. Yeah, well, don't thank me. Thank the 200 other people on the plane

who seem totally, bizarrely content. I don't care about them. I only care about one heart on that plane. Right, okay, here's the man now. Rodney. Mmm, fantastic guess. God, even your voice is hot. Rodney, you know you don't love her like I do.

Oh, my darling, but you're right about one thing. What? I am hung like a grandfather clock. Tick tock. I know you. Tick tock. She cannot get enough of this cock. Now, my friend, the door's already locked.

We're taking off any minute. You don't stand a chance in hell of getting her. Please. What color are her eyes? Oh, there's some sort of grayish color. What's her favorite food when she's feeling sad? Probably beans on toast. It's mine, anyway.

Who's her favorite family member to vent to when she's having a hard day? Oh, it's gotta be my dad. You don't know anything about that woman. Why she's sitting with you, other than your huge cock and your stacks of bills, is beyond me. You forgot my winning personality. You are the coolest guy any of us have ever known. But if you love her, which I don't think you do, then you'd want what's best for her, right? Of course.

And what's best for her is to be with me, a librarian from Sheboygan, who's intolerant to gluten. Touching speech, but I'm afraid to say we're pulling away from the jetway. Your time has passed, my little friend. No! Soon she'll be trapped above my clockmaker's shop

with no chance of getting escaping. Put me back on with the pilot, now! Oh, fine. Beg and ye shall receive. Pilot, you have to stop the flight. Kevin, you have to stop the flight. This man is planning on kidnapping her and keeping her above a clock shop.

Yes, the man with the huge cock who you just put on the phone. It's bulging. Yes, it's bulging like a grandfather clock. You have to turn this plane around and get that woman off the plane. Thank you. Right, so... Yeah, so the captain is saying that...

I guess there's an air marshal who's going to be taking care of that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I did it. I did it. Sorry, sir. You do still need to. You've broken about, I think, half a dozen federal laws tonight.

Ain't no laws when you're drinking claws. I'm not intoxicated. Right. I don't know what that has to do with. Ain't no laws when you're fighting claws. I'm not intoxicated. Right, I don't know what that has to do with. Ain't no laws when you're fighting for love. Right, right. Ain't no legalese when you're writing these or something. I don't know.

Yes, that's great. Ain't no repercussions when my heart's a Russian. Yes, ain't no repercussions because I, I think you have a concussion. Um, I think you, you might've hit your head when you,

can I wait here for her to deboard? Um, no, absolutely not. Um, why? Because there's a young man from the anti-terror unit that would like to speak with you. There's also someone from Homeland Security.

Hold on, I thought that the air marshal was going to... Well, he's taking care of the kidnapping. The fact that that man... To bring her back to my arms. No, I think they'd be very content if she more had nothing to do with either of the odd men who were begging for her attention. So this was all for nothing.

Well, if you really loved her, you'd be glad she wasn't trapped in a clockmaker's shop, like some sort of tragic fairy tale victim. But I suppose... I don't care anymore. Right. So I don't think your... If I can't have her...

Intentions were all that different from Rodney's. Then what's the point? Yeah. And you've got a tiny cock, so... I've got the smallest. Yeah! Like the second hand on a wristwatch. Ew.

You got time for one more? I got time for ten more. I don't even care anymore i lost it all in the big game got it this is the time okay hold on this is the name i've never seen anything like this this is also for healy's for men the name of the reviewer is honestly i'm amazed they work awesome look great and came in on time five stars must buy that is the name okay so you made an account just to tell everybody how much you fucking love your heelys five stars the title is great buy awesome can't wait these are awesome i saw signs telling me to buy them and i'm not

disappointed they came in three days and look great awesome for a gift or honestly just to have now signs to buy them yes are we thinking physical or biblical? I'm thinking biblical. Right. That's the vibe it's giving. I'm ultimately thinking biblical. Especially with the fervor of which this was written. They fully made an account to talk about the divine intervention that led them to buying these shoes.

There's kind of an evangelism to it that's like seems what's amazing is that it's like god has so many other things to focus on then making you buy heelys then making sure i guess i never thought of it that way. Talking with a priest. Welcome, my son. How long has it been since your last confession? Three weeks.

Awkward. No, it's okay. Sorry. You okay you're welcome no that's all right what's on your heart you don't need to apologize i'm glad you're here what's on your heart today thanks um well i've just kind of been spiraling i guess a little bit little bit. I'm sorry to hear that. Not in a good way. No, of course. I mean, there's never really a good connotation for that. Well, I would say like doing an Ollie or something. Oh, yeah.

Well, what do you have to confess today? Yeah, I guess I... Can you remind me like what I'm like what this like the big ones are the sins like what should I be confessing of course there's a lot

to tease out I mean you know I would guess the big one is don't lie don't murder don't steal no adultery, no using the Lord's name in vain. Sick. No false idols. Okay, didn't do that.

Tick, tick, boom. You know, treat others the way you want to be treated. Things like that. Okay. Yeah, I think I'm pretty much good, good actually i guess i don't have to confess or anything so i mean it can even be as simple as like were you envious of anyone lately feel a little jealous maybe told a little white lie that you shouldn't have maybe you know not take out the trash when you said you were going to it could be anything. It doesn't have to be murder.

No, nothing like that, actually. I'm good. I'm sorry I even came in. I won't bother you anymore. No, no, no. You can also just share. It doesn't have to be about anything, but it seems like something big is on your heart. I guess I didn't know what this was i know that like you know obviously confession it's about like me confessing or whatever but yes i thought maybe it was like could go both ways what do you mean

like you know three weeks ago i was in here and I was talking about, you know, I was having these other these thoughts about, you know, people other than. Adulterous thoughts. That's normal. Yeah. And so that was like me. Telling God. Like, yeah, like one of my mess ups. So I thought maybe this week

he could reciprocate no you're so funny I have a bone to pick with him it's normal when things feel out of grasp or out of sync in our life to feel angry right god um because that's just part of the plan is it though because there was some stuff that he was telling me

in a pretty explicit way like there were a lot of signs that i was supposed to be doing something how magnificent wait felt that connection so deeply. I feel like I'm envious. And then I did it. Okay, I did the thing that I was like, well, this is clearly part of the plan. You know, there's other stuff I've never been really sure about, but this is like no doubt. I did it. Okay.

Everyone got mad at me. Well well let's dive more into that are you comfortable telling me what that thing was yeah i mean god was pretty god was pretty clear. About? He was pretty clear he wanted me to become a hype beast. He was like kind of telling me and like all the ways that God has of telling people stuff. Like my son. I'm unfamiliar with hype beast's now i've heard everything um oh i think one of my nephews

that's when you you're a lot of nephews i'm i just have them yes i thought priests weren't allowed to like have kids or be married i'm neither of those things so whose kids are they my sisters oh i see i see i see my nephews sometimes will show me videos of um young men who have a lot of shoes and exactly a lot of shirts exactly and that's kind of their whole thing exactly yeah i mean you're highlighting the shoes which is right to do but it's really more of like street wear as an umbrella term you know what i mean um understood and so you felt that it was like god's plan for you i do know that one that is one that i have driven by a couple times. I own a lot of that stuff. That's great if it brings you joy.

It does not. As long as, well, there you go. So why did he tell me to do it? Maybe it was a lesson. Did you learn anything about yourself through this process? Yeah, I learned I'm a sucker. Well, come on. I learned I'm going to do anything that God tells me to.

Won't be making that mistake again. Well, hey, now, now, now. Let's talk about these signs from God. Sure. So it started like about a year ago. I was on TikTok. And all of a sudden, my for you page is like all sneakers okay like all the time my whole for you page is like oh my god this shoe i got have you seen my shoe like

being a sign from god well i'm not that you know like at first that was like the first thing where i was like okay i guess i'm being kind of like guided maybe in this direction. Right. Because my brother-in-law is a co- he works in tech. Now I know you can't have one of those. That is my sister's husband. Your sister's husband. Okay, I see.

That checks out. I'm just keeping you accountable, too. I understand, and I appreciate you for that. I want to make sure that we're both following our rules. Yes. So he says that, you know, with the algorithm, if you watch something for a long time, that will show up repeatedly.

Huh. And I'm not trying to diminish your experience at all. If you felt that that was on your heart but i will say you know big guy upstairs got a lot of other things to worry about than you buying a bunch of streetwear such as well such as everything of course right right war famine can i ask you why you became a priest? This conversation does not go both ways. I'm just wondering, did you feel called?

I did. What did that calling look like? Like what were the signs? Well, this is before we knew about the algorithm. Right, but what were the signs that showed you you needed to be? Before there was an Instagram. Right, right. Well, the signs were signs. You know, I would walk through town

and I would see a sign that said, we need more priests. And I thought, well, that's clear as day. Seems pretty similar to mine. And then I kept walking and then it said, we need more priests now. Okay. And I thought, well thought well okay someone's trying to tell me something right walked a little farther and i felt like three billboards the way it was

one after the other then it said we need more priests now okay tobias become a priest no way and what's your name i'm not even kidding my name is tobias that is a freaky coincidence well that's my middle's name my first name is ethan okay so it might not have been for you but i thought i mean it's such a specific name i thought well surely right okay well let me hit you with one okay i was in my email the other day checking my box and my inbox, and I saw an email come in that said, want to earn cash fast? Well, do you?

Get your real estate license in only 10 days start flipping houses fast cash and i thought wait and i thought this can't be for me this there's no way okay i read a little further. This is for you, man. If you're out there and you're feeling like your life's not going anywhere, this is for you. Couldn't have been clearer, could it? So are you on your way to getting that license? Been there, done that, 3K in the hole.

I'm so sorry to hear that, my friend. That class was not worth $3,000. Well, look. Officer, I... I'm not an officer. I'm a priest. Right, but like an officer of the church or whatever. I don't know.

I don't think so. Can I get like a do-over? For... Like my baptism. I don't know. I don't think so. Can I get like a do-over? For? Like my baptism. You would like to be re-baptized? Is that a thing we do? I know some of them do it. Because you're good.

No, for us, it's like you do, it's one and done. But other ones you do multiple, you can. Other ones are kind of calling to me right now i guess well i feel like i'm getting a lot of signs that the other one no no no well hold on because you're good ours is like but i don't feel good i feel bad well that's why you're here so now i'm good i'm gonna tell you is after all this i don't know what bad thing you did if you don't want to be a hypebeast anymore you don't have to be go do five Hail Marys and you're good to go. I sold all my wife's stuff to buy shoes.

Okay. You need to get that back. Too late. Do 50 rosaries and then you're good. Only 50. That's a lot. Is it? You ever done a rosary?

Not like all the way through. It's a lot of prayers. Will you do it with me afraid not is there somewhere I can go to learn that right here so you're gonna show me I will send you a link

because my wife told me how to use wait one second sorry that's my sister My wife told me how to use the calculator. Wait one second. Sorry, that's my sister. I see you. Let's do our last segment. This shook me all week long.

And then it kept on shaking me in my life. I have loved them all um hey man what's been shaking you what's been shaking me there is this youtuber who i watch yeah um her name is hannah bales i think is her last name i apologize if i'm totally not even getting that last name right but But her name is Hannah. She's a vocal coach. She does a lot of like vocal coach reacts to Blink Blink Blink. And she's great.

And I love her. And I watched her do a reaction video to the Cats movie. Oh, my God. And so I guess what's shaking me is like reliving that experience of like watching a lot of clips from cats then just got me thinking about that did you see the full film i did it brought me back to that i watched it with my mother and screening huh i said that's a powerful screening it was a really powerful screening it was like i guess what's shaking me is i excuse me you're excused it i love a bad movie i love when a movie is so bad that it's that it's hilarious like madame webb is the worst thing i've ever

seen and it's the funniest thing i've ever seen i was choking laughing that being said there is a threshold and this is what's shaking me there is a threshold that we need to talk about. Yes. There is a sweet spot of being so bad that it's amazing and you never want it to end. And then it then it passes. So then it's like there's that sweet spot. And on one side of that, you have, oh, well, it's kind of good. So the moments that it's bad, it's like so then is it trying to be bad? Like it's a little uncomfortable. Like is it just was it just kind of like sloppy in some places?

Then it feels weird and inconsistent. Then it goes too far on the opposite end where it's so bad to the point of not even being fun to watch anymore that it's just exhausting. Yes. And that is what the experience of Cats was. Well, and you know what?

I'm going to, I'm going to pause it to you. Pause it. Ralph. exhausting yes and that is what the experience of cats well and you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna pause it to you pause it um to you about that is that the runtime tell me kitten the runtime i think has a lot to do with that. Cats is very long because like, and it doesn't have a plot. Yes. I mean, the actual kind of like source material is. Cause I don't.

Yeah. And I know, I know Andrew is a listener, but Mr. Lloyd Weber, if you're listening, which I know you are, cause you're a big fan.

He's a podcast. he's a podcast podcast um the musical itself is not my favorite no musical itself is bad yes and even in the in the youtube video she explained she's like the plot is literally just these cats sing and then one of them gets to go into a spaceship that takes them to cat heaven and they get reborn that's it that's literally you can't make it two hours and i wish i was kidding because that is not even a joke that is the plot of cats um movies that are so bad that i enjoy watching them because they're bad but they're earnest and they're fun wagon wheel what to see oh i fucking burlesque is genuinely one of my favorite movies i love that movie so much dolly parton's christmas on the square yes yes you know i mean i do think it's funny because cats has the makings of a movie i would really like it really has a potential musical

yeah and it's kind of shit and that's kind of my my shit my favorite is music but it's have you seen cats oh 100 yeah it's it passes the threshold where it's just unbearable it's unbearable i remember extremely clearly sitting down to watch that movie yeah being like okay here we go and i remember really clearly getting up after the movie was over and i remember very little in the middle there yeah yeah so it wasn't just because i was drunk it was also i love a bad movie, but it can't. It has to be right in that sweet spot. And that sweet spot, like Madam Web really hits that sweet spot for me. Christmas on the Square.

Exactly. It's like. It's like in a world where I didn't know cats exist. You told me that Judy the Stench Dench plays a character named Old Deuteronomy. I'm like, that's my new favorite movie. I know. But it's not. What's been shaking your ass? I made a cookie. Did you know that? What kind? I made a cookie. Did you know that? Did you know that? I made a vegan. I know.

I know. I've heard it all before. What is he, anemic? I made a vegan cookie. I used to be vegan. I made a vegan cookie. And, you know, I used to be vegan. I know. I know. But it's probably the best vegan baked good tea I've ever made. Oh. And maybe ever had.

What the hell is he saying? What is he talking about? What's he on about? This is crazy. His baking too real. I can't do the.'m not gonna even he's gonna bakify himself he's gonna veganize himself um but it's a peanut butter chocolate chip and i know i'm gonna describe it to you and you're gonna be like that's not a cookie that's gonna be good

here's all that's in it right you're gonna be like that's pie. Here's what's in it. Flank steak. Chicken. No. Peanut butter. Who would have guessed? LBS. Light brown sugar. Baking.

IBS. IBS. E. coli. Baking powder. Banana. Banana. As the minions would say. And flour. And vegan chocolate chips honestly that's it sounds good that's it sounds good it is good sounds like banana bread kind of

vibe or like the banana is very subtle it's the moistness like we said last week you need that moistness yeah peanut butter binds it. Yeah. Okay. And you know what I did, though? I kind of fucked with the recipe. And here's where it gets a little like... I put some raisins in there.

You're crazy. I'm crazy, but I love the texture of raisins in a cookie. I made soda bread, Irish. You're welcome. You're welcome. Thank you. Last week, because it was, of course. You can't even say it.

St. Patrick's Day. Saint. You can't even say it. Saint. And I know it's one of the big ones. And I had the raisins in that. And I was like, fuck, raisins are good. So when I was making the cookies, I was just like, I've got to put some raisins in here.

And I did. And it was fucking fire. And I'm like, I'm just saying that I would get a Tonkin tug. Ew. Ew. You can find Elf on Instagram at Alfred. And you can find the show on Instagram at Review Review. Reddit r slash Review Review.

Send some more theme songs to Review Review Show at gmail.com. Original, non-copyrighted theme songs. Please. We love when you send them. And they are so much fun to play. We get such a kick out of them. and you guys are so creative and so funny and so talented and Jeff and I have a patreon.com

slash Riley and Jeff and we are on discord review discord at head gum and you can find Jenny Annie dots herself Riley and Riley and sport on instagram.com just somewhere Jenny Annie dots herself Riley Anspar At Riley Anspar on

Instagram.com just the web browser not the phone I tried to do the Jenny Annie dots and it threw up At Riley Anspar on Instagram.com Just the web browser not the phone app And on Twitter.com Now known as XXX.com As long as it lasts

At Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on the show we are always saying it we are never not saying it correct

I'm hung like a grandfather clock I'm hung like a grandfather clock. I'm hung like a grandfather clock. We'll see you next time. Au revoir, my sweet. Bye. That was a Hiddom Original.

So I thought maybe this week he could reciprocate. No. For you. That's so, you're're so funny because i have a boner sorry sorry father that came out i meant to say i have a bone to pick Yeah, you'll cut that out. You'll cut that out. You have to cut that out. It's going so well.