Review Revue - Heinz

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about all sauces HEINZ and discuss fraternity nicknames, pushy grocery clerks, and cuckold realtors!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

I got a show to listen to. It is called Review Review. Riley Ann's Paul and Jeffrey Jay. If you don't like it, well then you're late. Listen to Review. Listen to the show. Listen to Review. You know you gotta go.

Listen to Review every Tuesday. Listen to Review so you can get laid. I hope you have sex soon, Jeffrey. I just, listen, thank you for that theme song. That was fantastic. I don't want, want like we can't promise that you'll that anyone will get laid if they listen to the show i almost feel like it's in an anti-desiac yeah i feel like if you listen to the show it's gonna make you less acceptable

in sexual scenarios if you want to have sex don't listen to our show. If you don't care. because everybody wants to have sex. Almost everybody wants to have sex. We're going to lose our entire audience, right? Not everybody. Not everybody. Not everybody,

but a lot of people. If you don't want to boink, give it a listen. If you want to jump somebody's bones, take off your headphones. This came in from Tom Cafaro. Hiddleston.

He said, please shout him out as Tom Cafaro at Ira Glassie on Instagram and at Tom the Vlog on YouTube. It would also be great for us to shout out his band, Worthless Commodity. Ooh, great name. They're on Bandcamp, Spotify,

and at Worthless underscore Commodity on Instagram. So check them out. Oh, thanks, Tom. That was fun. Yeah. It was trying, he says. What's up, jeffrey deeper into being vaccinated you know starting to see more of my friends uh i was gonna go surfing this morning with my buddy aj shout out aj he listens to the show

and he uh he bailed which is fair because uh i didn't confirm with him until after we both fell asleep so um that makes sense there it is and uh but we are gonna go this weekend and i'm excited about that fun yeah what about you i got my hair fixed it looks really good it looks really good i'm so happy with it yeah um i i absolutely i love it the the bits that were a little bit too red a little bit too archie andrews vibes are now toned down. They're brown, but it's like you can still see the bits of red and highlight.

I'm just like, this is what I imagine. I'm so excited. Summer hair. Summer hair. Makes me feel dyed. Jesus. Dyed my hair highlights and lowlights.

But I'm good. Today is Daniel's birthday. at the time of recording not the time of release but today april 27th is daniel rashid's 28th birthday and this morning i'm like oh my god daniel you're 28 like how do how do you feel slash like you know i love asking like as as we're getting older like i love asking people you know it's like when you know, I love asking, like as we're getting older, like I love asking people, you know, it's like when you were a kid or like a teenager and you like, and you thought of the age that you are now, like what did you, like how did you think of that age?

Like, did that seem really old to you? And Daniel's like, oh, I'm an adult. Like. Even now I feel that way. That's, that's like. Because I met Jake when he was 29 and I remember being like like, oh, like, you know, Jake's an adult. It's really wild. And so Daniel's getting closer to 30.

He can kiss it. He's so close. 30, 30. Great 28. I don't know. So naughty. Stop. He's going to be so naughty then?

Stop it. But so it's very exciting. Even though Iiel what are you like what do you want to do today he's like i have to do my taxes um so yeah it's exciting i love a birthday i love celebrating people's birthdays what are you gonna do for your birthday do you have any ideas i don't know my birthday is june 3rd i'll be turning 25 and like that to me feels like oh i'm an adult i thought you already were 25 i'm 24 um for a little bit longer but it's like 25 to me feels like oh i'm an adult i thought you already were 25 i'm 24 um for a little bit longer but it's like 25 to me feels like oh all right it feels a lot older than 24 yeah you can rent a car without any insurance or any young renters policy insurance so i don't know ideally i think like by that time um a lot of our friends will be fully vaccinated

so it's like maybe having a little get together with like fully vaccinated friends. I don't even know if I know anybody. Oh, no, I know people who are in between doses. But I don't know if I know any of my friends who haven't gotten a dose, which is a great feeling. Which is exciting. Yeah. So, yeah. But, you know, when you have a birthday party, sometimes, you know, there's going to be food involved.

Catering. Right. Catering or like a nice home-cooked meal. Yeah. Or like a potluck or, you know there's gonna be food involved catering right catering or like a nice home-cooked meal or like a potluck or you know absolutely like that and it's like you don't want to just have something on its own you don't just want to have like oh i'll have i'll have a fry yeah you want like something that kind of jazzes up this plate and you want something that's viscous. It's like, I don't want to know where I am. I want to get lost in the sauce.

And that's what we're talking about today. Heinz. Heinz. I auditioned for a pilot once. I don't know if you went out for this, but it took place. Or no, the lead character worked at Heinz. And that was like half of the show. Was his job at his great job at the Heinz factory and then just decided to work on a bucket list that's amazing Jeff what are your Heinz memories your Heinz experiences your your reasons for

Heinz my raison d'etre uh raison de mean, look, everybody's had Heinz ketchup. I think I've had Heinz 57 once. It's fine. And yeah, I know that Heinz has like a ton of, they have the famously 57 varieties of sauces. But I feel like the only one that I've ever had is the ketchup. What about you? I love some Heinz ketchup. For sure.

Listen, obviously the Heinz mustard is also a contender. It's not as popular. It's not as in the spotlight as the ketchup. Yeah. But I remember the Heinz purple ketchup. Oh, I've had this. There was purple and green, maybe blue. It's so gross.

But there was no reason for it. At the time, I'm like'm like oh my god eating purple ketchup but now like i was like because i was looking up reviews for that but it's obviously discontinued and so there's no reviews for it anywhere um and i was bummed i was looking at pictures i'm like that's vile that is absolutely yeah horrid well it's in a vial it's exactly it looks like a concoction in a lab. And it was. And they're like, put it in your mouth. It's just funny because purple's like not that far from red.

Like, why didn't they make it blue or like, I don't know, clear? It's just clear. Crystal ketchup. Why didn't they make it blue or clear? It's just something about it. Talking about a car? I was looking up like, because I love her. i'm so i texted jeff before we started recording i'm like i am so excited for the reviews today like i don't know how i'm gonna pick just two these are so good um but heinz hold on let me read you the variety

of kinds of mixes like they so they have a bunch of different combinations of sauces. These are six different blends of Heinz sauces together. And the names are Mayo Chop, Mayo Racha, Honey Racha,

Mayo Must, Mayo Q, and Crunch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is your first review about any of these? Or do you just want to put them out? I have a review about Crunch and a review about Mayo Chip.

I also have a review about Crunch. I wonder if it's the same one. Do you want to start us off with it? I'll kick us off. I think it's going to be the same exact one. Let's see it. I really hope it is. Okay. Yep.

I swear to God it's gonna, if it's not, I'm gonna be shocked. It's five stars? Yep. The title is D-lish. Yes! It's a C one! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh my God. Okay, great. That makes me so happy that we both saw this and we're like, absolutely, it has to be this. Okay, so because it's from Amazon customer AC, Jeff, give us a name for AC. Aaron Carrico. Aaron Carrico of VI Podcast. Okay, Aaron Carrico, five stars. Title is Delish.

This is for, this is for Crunch, which is a ketchup ranch blend from Heinz. Crunch is my husband's nickname. Had to order some. Discovered it as delicious. Sorry, what was that? Your husband's nickname is Crunch Yeah so I saw it and I'm like

oh it's gotta be I gotta have some crunch for my crunch How did he get that nickname? Yeah What is the origin story? What else could it be a portmanteau of? Unless his name is like Carl Ranch or some bullshit. Crunch!

Like at what age did that start? It's like a dorm room suite of a bunch of frat guys. Crunch, you guys want to come hang out? Yeah, that sounds great. You like that nickname I just came up with for you before? It's kind of cool. I've been making up nicknames for everybody in the suite. Yours is Cranch.

Yours is Cranch. Mine's Cranch? Yeah. Why Cranch? My name's Bill. Because you're crazy. And I could see you buying a ranch someday. Buying a ranch someday?

Yeah. All right. Are we connecting? I'm sorry. I know you came up with it, but I just i just i don't i don't know if it's gonna stick really yeah crunch what about what about ron sound because you kind of love music and your name is ron well my name is bill really i told you like not even a full minute ago not even a full 60 seconds and yeah what about what about just like billy or like b or something like that western mind because we're obviously on the west we're in the western hemisphere

yeah and like you're of sound mind. You're of Ron's sound mind. What about Ron's sound mind? My name's Bill, dude. For like the 10th time, my name's Bill. Tyler, you were newly placed in this because our friend went on a semester abroad. You said that your last rooming situation didn't work out. I mean, I feel like we should get to the bottom of it. Like, why didn't your last rooming situation work out?

I don't know, honestly. It was kind of like, of like i mean i did everything right i gave him a nickname yeah there it is yeah and i just didn't he didn't really like vibe with it i guess what was his nickname uh well his name was bryce and i called him fried bryce fried bryce and he hated it because i kept calling it why can't I have like what about it's like I play basketball I could be basket bill you know like something like that fried Bryce hoop earring dreams no man these sound like AIM handles I'm asking for a nickname where did you get earrings from look I know that I'm new here and i want to fit into the vibe of the suite but you know what like okay aaron what about you you could be room room room in the room room room shake shake the room because it's like that's the whole that's the whole nickname for me room room

shake shake in the room it's fresh prince of bel-air and it's like you have a car on campus which is kind of novel and you shake the room because you have like a good personality i don't know like a freshman like pledge comes in oh hey hey sky tie yeah he made his nickname your nickname is sick tyler sky tie because you're just like you're always so high energy so sky yo that's a really good nickname actually i hate that why am i sky tie dude sky tie is a killer nickname like no you know what i want to be if i could choose my own if i had my druthers what it would be layover because i love traveling and you guys know that about me and guess what else?

I don't mind the journey because the journey is half the battle. Oh, you know what? This could be right. This would be really good. What about Ron battle for Billy? No, can I choose my own game? You just said you want yours to be layover

because you like the journey and traveling. Okay, by that logic, my name will be hazelnut because i love hazelnut gelato and no that would never work for you that would never work for you what do you fucking mean i'm gonna call you layover i'm gonna call you hazelnut you don't look you don't look like a hazelnut you know what you look like you look like sand on a round house kick because guess what we went to the beach this last weekend and we watched roadhouse you are not the man you think you are that's your nickname tyler what ty, not the man he thinks he is.

Burr. No, because I'm the guy who gives everybody nicknames because I'm sort of the alpha. You can't decide to be that guy. Yeah, man. You can't earn their nicknames. Like, it just happens. You don't decide what they are. Why can't you just let it happen organically, Tyler?

Just, like, let people have crew nicknames or not. Well, not exactly. Not everyone has to have it. We're not animal house, right? We're animal house. We're absolutely animal house. First of all. Second of all, I also want to, I want to force camaraderie.

I want to, cause I'm new to the suite and I want to be in with you guys. You guys have had a whole semester without me and I want to connect with you guys. And I feel like if I give everybody nicknames, I kind of become the nucleus of the family. You know what? Forget Skytie. Hey, brothers, I got one for Tyler. Alright, man. Let's hear it.

Alright, Tyler. I'm walking around looking you up and down. I have a tape measure. I have a magnifying glass. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. What are we going to make with a guy like you? Oh man, this is going to be good. It's going to be good.

Rich has the best one. Let's do this, Rich. Tyler, kneel. I'm not going to get on my fucking knees for a pledge. Guys, put him down. Tyler, from this day forth, you shall be known as... Neil. They all go crazy.

Yes! Neil! He's such a Neil, dude. He's such a fucking Neil. He's such a Neil. Not really. And Tyler, I've already programmed into your family's phones. Your new name is Neil. Not really. I've already programmed into your family's phones. Your new name is Neil.

No way. Your mom, a text comes in to your mom's, your birth certificate. It's changed. It's Neil Burr. What the hell is this? That's such a bad first name. I'm so sorry, but that sucks. This name, it's going to stick, Neil.

It's going to stick for the rest of your life neil and oh yeah i forgot to mention the spelling is k-n-e-e-a-l not even k-n-e-e-l k-n-e-a-l that sucks hey rich you are like you're kind of the man he's not the alpha should we all go to the bar later we'll buy you drinks no fucking way single thing i'll pay for thing. I'll pay for the drinks. I'll pay for the drinks and I'll make everybody's nicknames. And I'll coordinate events. And I'll make sure that I'm kind of a nucleus, like I said. And that's how I'll get you guys' appreciation.

I kind of, like, you're still on your knees, so I just kind of tap you and you fall over. Get down, Neil. You have a say in this frat, Neil. Didn't you graduate high school early, Rich? Aren't you like 17? How the fuck is this happening? That's exactly right. And since, you know, youth comes before beauty.

Sorry, fellas. I'm going to give myself a nickname. I'm going to be... He puts a crown on his own head. Brainy Bitch Rich yeah that's not a good nickname how is that any better than layover get the meal

Brainy Bitch Rich that's kind of razzing yourself by the way you're calling yourself a bitch no it's I'm the bitch Neil that's worse brainy bitch rich brainy bitch bitch rich they carry me out of the room it's just tyler and neil hey man rich is awesome but not really well no he's pretty cool i was just gonna say i'm sorry that six years younger than you it happened this way yeah i know you were just trying to make friends and you know feel like

you're part of the group that's exactly it if you want to make you feel better yeah how are you gonna make it up to me you can choose my nickname really but only you can call me that it's not going to catch on but you're you'll be allowed to call me that hoisin pick your hoisin can you choose okay never mind yeah i'll take hoisin before it gets worse i'm so glad that we chose the same fucking review um all right should we take a quick break and thanks to sponsors this is for mayo chop uh obviously it is a mix of mayo and ketchup. Unfortunately, yeah. It is two stars from Andrew. So can you give Andrew a last name? Andrew Brancher. Where did you go? I left the room and went somewhere absolutely on the promised land.

Andrew Brancher, two stars. The title is Mix It Yourself. One of the best parts about mixing mayo and ketchup is that you get to find your preferred balance between the two flavors. Some people like more ketchup while others like more mayo. Heinz, for some reason, decided that your preference didn't matter to them. They were going to decide that balance for you.

Don't be stupid slash lazy. Just buy the ketchup and mayonnaise and mix it yourself. Yeah, man, I'm just trying to get some sauces for a barbecue. Like, we're in this Whole Foods. I don't need you to chew me out on my sauce decisions no man listen here at whole foods we take pride in being able to prepare and and expect your every need all right we've got different kinds of crackers if you want a breakfast cracker you want a little cracker with some cheese you want some little after dinner crackers we got those we have sparkling water for

any kind of the time of day and we have this mayo chop not to be confused with the Heinz brand this is our own 365 brand we trust us just trust us okay and if you don't like it feel like I'm gonna make the my own balance between the two like it's fine because some people are only gonna want ketchup somebody was just gonna want the mayo and I get both, then I can mix them and have three sauces from two bottles, obviously. No, I absolutely know what you're saying. I absolutely know. I hear you.

We hear you. Not really. This is something that we get all the time. I put the mayo chop in your bag. You're going to buy the mayo chop. Fine. You're going to buy the mayo chop. You're going to go to the party.

Cut to the party. Oh, oh my God. Oh, I'm so sorry, Sam. You actually bought mayo chip, you guys. I was literally just talking about this the other day. Like that's, it's just such a strange condiment. That's so funny though. Did you bring the ketchup and the mayo?

I was going to, but I got cornered and bullied by a grocery store clerk into buying the mayo chip. It's been happening a lot recently. I've been going to Whole Foods 365 and I keep getting they keep deciding what my groceries are gonna be that week. I feel like this goes without saying and I know you're going through a tough breakup

and so it's like I know that you are needing different things right now but you can decide things for yourself. You're right. I'm gonna go back to the grocery store I'm gonna stand up to this grocery store clerk. Cut to them at the meat counter. I want one pound of roast beef and then you're not gonna change my mind You're getting you're getting three chicken breasts my guy. Why? You're gonna get I do a ring the little bell. We get three pound three pound breast. That's so many

That's so much chicken. Listen man. I'm already ringing it up. Just trust us You're gonna have this is the last time and I got laughed at at the barbecue. It's the same person in just a different hat. Yeah. Listen, man, just trust us. You're going to cook the breasts and they're going to be the best. All right, trust us. We know exactly what you need.

Now that's going to be $725. Dollars? No, it's not. Of course, dollars. No, it's not. It's chicken breast. It's three pounds of chicken breast. There's no way it's more than $40.

I also included 330 more bottles of the mayo because trust me you're gonna want to have it you're gonna come back to the barbecue the chicken's on the grill there's like a whole table of the mayo chip i tried i tried this person's so convincing and in my last relationship i was kind of the pushover. All right. I was, I just went along with whatever she wanted. So I'm used to that. And maybe subconsciously I want that to happen, but I'm trying to work against that cycle, Sam, go on. You know what? Write a script so that you know what to say. I'm going to do that in your own words. Like you are not going to take their shit anymore. It's insane that I have to tell you this when you're just going to the grocery store. You buy whatever you want.

Cut back to the grocery store. Listen up. I'm not going to take any more of your pushing me around. I'm not going to get any more mayo chip on this visit. I'm going to get stuff that I want. Because guess what? A relationship's 50-50. And when it's 70-30 or out of balance, it's not a good relationship anymore.

I'm behind the pastry counter. I lift up the latch. I come out. I'm in a baker's hat. I walk over to you. I tenderly grab your face in my hands. I look in your eyes for a long time. Yeah?

I reach into my back pocket. Without saying a word, I pull out a bottle of mayo chop no and i place it in your hands no way kiss you on the nose oh god i'm just so lonely and this solves it come back to the barbecue i set the one mayo trip down on next to the rest of it sam jesus christ he kissed me on the nose, dude! What? It was so tender. I felt loved in that moment.

And I had to get the mayo chop. No. You're being taken advantage of. Everyone, like a group of 25 people. Let's all go down that store and tell that clerk that Sam is not going to be pushed around anymore. Cut to them in the wine area. Let like 20 of them all right I brought my whole crew there's no way you're gonna convince me to buy anything I don't want to buy and it doesn't matter how intimate we get that's right we're here for Sam and Sam is gonna buy whatever he wants okay no more of your games all right sir oh amazing you brought friends that's so exciting

i i like lightly just caress your face i'm so happy to see that sam has other healthy relationships in his life that's such healthy boundary setting jesus i have to buy the sauce it's the sauce at this point sam sam you don. It's the only thing keeping me happy. You don't have to buy the sauce. You don't have to buy the sauce. It's therapy. The clerk just like wags a finger and like 20 other words. Wholesale. Yeah, 20 carts. A wholesale cart. Yeah.

In boxes of mayo chop. Ring me up. Ring me up. This is, I'm fixing my emotional issues through the sauce and talking to this guy. I really am. Ring me up. I don't care how much mayo chop it takes. Sam's ex walks in.

Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry. I forgot that this is your Whole Foods. No worries. I'll just go down the street. I'm doing really well, actually. You look like you're doing really well. Clerk comes up. He is.

He's doing better than you ever could have dreamed. Oh, who's this? This is the clerk that works here and i don't know his name doesn't matter doesn't matter um okay wow uh well i'm you look great and i'm really happy to see that you've um you've you've found someone the clerk he knows he knows he looks good yeah and uh hey i clerk Quisperson is here. Hey, why don't you go show her what you're made of? I pass you a tiny little, like,

tit tester bottle of the mayo chop. Go on. You want me to use it? What do you mean? Just go give it to her. Just give her a little taste of what she's missing. Walk up to her. I want you to be happy hand her the sauce i think you could learn a lot from this oh um thank you you know what actually since we broke up i'm i'm vegan now so the mayo actually isn't

gonna the clerk get out get out of store. Don't even look at him. Don't even look at Sam. Sam, you don't need this shit. You don't need this shit. I guess I don't need this shit. No, I'll try it. I mean, I just started yesterday, so I can. If this means this much to you, Sam, I'll try it.

It would mean a lot. Okay. I'll break my streak. It would be closure. The sauce has become my form of healing and growth the only source really it's the fountain of youth to me and i need you to put the bookend on our relationship and have the sauce the group from the party's like sam have you even tried the sauce have i been what you've bought like bottle after bottle but have you even tried the sauce? Have I been what? You've bought like bottle after bottle, but have you even tasted it? You're committing your life to this thing, but we just want to make sure that like,

that you know what you're getting yourself into. Not yet. No, but it's been working thus far. And I can only imagine that it's going to work exponentially well when I start eating the sauce. I pass the tiny bottle back. Maybe you should try a little bit. Try a little bit tries a little bit it it's not great the clerk's rubbing his back and suddenly stops

i really don't like this sauce like slowly nods kind of takes off the hat like runs his hand through his hair just like oh man what a long day holds up a finger like one second comes back out gives him a bottle of crunch slowly nods like that's the one that's the one this is the soul you're so fickle change naturally it's not the sauce um all right uh yeah do you want to do one more review okay these are just two two two observations um one is related to this review but the other um so one this is just something i noticed on a lot of reviews that we find that i think is i think is so funny of like people reviewing things

to explain what their spouse thought of it. Jesus, to explain what their spouse thought of it. Like sometimes people will write that it's like, it has nothing to do with what they, it's not like, oh, I love this. This was great. It's like hubby had the best time on the exercise bike. Hubby couldn't get enough of the thing.

Or like, what's awesome. Like my wife went crazy for this. It's like, have her write it. Yeah. Have, have him tell you his experience.

Have them let you know what they thought. Yeah. Um, anyway, this is also for the, the mayo chup. I'd like to preface this by saying, um, the amount of reviews on here,

so many of them were talking about how it tastes like neither mayo nor ketchup. That's so gross. And then also, this is one that I don't want to use as the review, but there was a review for the crunch that it tastes like mayo and ketchup. I'm like like god damn it almost exactly what it is

but sure so this is for the mayo chop this is in a slew of a bunch of other ones being like this tastes like neither of the things it says it is it is from WJB Wilson Jordache Bosch Wilson Jordache Bosch jb uh wilson jordake uh bosh wilson jordake bosh five stars the title is different taste this is

for this is a five star review from mayo chip enjoyed the slightly different taste parentheses difficult to explain and parentheses have tried it on turkey and ham. Will buy again. It's supposed to taste like mayo and ketchup. He's like, I enjoy it. I honestly, I can't describe what it is, but I liked it. It's like a realtor showing a house, and it's just not what they're saying it is as they walk through. Yeah, so it's a California ranch style.

It is, it's kind of that modern farmhouse look. We see that it's like a two-story Spanish. And it's interesting. There's a lot of character to it. It was built very recently. It's a new construction. It's clearly been around since 1920. And yeah, so what do you think? Oh um i think it is so beautiful so gorgeous it's

such a gorgeous house i feel i'm so sorry i i hate to do this i feel like i might have gotten the wrong brochure for the house how so um oh it's just it's just i'm reading one um the one the one that you gave that you're reading from is talking about the California farmhouse, new construction. Yes. And I kind of like look around, make the face. It's like, oh, come on. Come on. It's so amazing.

Yeah. No, it's so amazing. I would love to get more info about this property specifically because this one we're very interested in. This one's great. Like I said, it's a one-story house. I mean, you can see that the ironwork on the stair set here is just unbelievable. It's actually new construction. so that's where it gets its vintage charm um i'm sorry i'm new at this i'm i just got my license last week and so uh forgive

me if i'm nervous but uh i do think i'm getting all the details right no no no it's all good i'm looking for a house for my new family i'm pregnant and my husband's at work right now and so we're just looking you know as we're expanding our life expanding our family we want to uh get a bigger home and the thing is i think he would love this yes i i can't send him any information about it without without the right information so i'd love to be able to just you know send through to him so if you could pass along the details for this property specifically um i think this is what we'd really be interested in i will text it to you right now so you can just copy and paste the text uh fantastic i have your number from your card uh all right it is a it's totally it's a totally different discussion than what you just a

craftsman bungalow in hollywood heights with a view of the ocean and the only thing about this one is that it's new construction with vintage charm. It's old. It's old. And it's new at the same time. It's everything at once. There's a yard. There's a pool. There's a deck. It's only when the actual realtor comes in. Oh my God, Hannah, I'm so sorry. I'm late, honey. Oh, hi. Hi. Excuse me me who are you sorry hannah is this this your husband oh my god i'm so happy with me no no god no this is not my husband i'm i'm hannah lee i'm i'm her realtor who are you i'm w jordick bosh obviously sorry hannah i i got it i got a text saying that you couldn't make it today and so your

assistant was going to come in and show the house for you. Wonder who sent that because I've been the realtor the whole time. Honey, I fired my assistant months ago. He was eating way too much crunch at work. Hannah, I've never seen this man in my life. Oh my god! Jesus! How did you get the keys to the

house? They're always in a flower pot or something. There's always a place get the keys to the house? They're always in a flower pot or something. There's always a place where the keys are. And that goes for any house. This house specifically, though, it has a certain history to it. It's new construction. And it is. Hannah just goes, it's not.

The thing about it is that it's sort of this hybrid between California Ranch, also known as Cranch. And it's sort of a bungalow. I call it a jungalow, though, because of all this foliage. We see that there's barely any trees. Listen, you know what? Thank you for being here, W. Jordic. Jordic Bosch. My wife is having sex with another man as we speak. And I deal with the pain by hosting open houses

because it's the only thing that really takes my mind off of things. She wanted to open the relationship and I seem to be the only one not getting any luck in the sex department. It's a cranch. It's a California ranch. it's one story look at these stairs look at these absolute iron work new construction vintage charm he is my boss i never do this and you clearly don't have an eye for design but i feel the passion why don't you come work for me i'll teach you the ropes.

I'll teach you where the keys are when they're not in the flower pot. Wink, wink, they're on your mat. And I think you've got the right kind of spunk for this job. No deal. I'm sorry, but I have to work on my own practice. I have to work on my own real estate firm. And when you're self-employed

that sort of makes you the boss which is what i need i need to feel like a boss what because then i might carry myself with a certain swagger that i could get laid too and when my wife says so do you see anyone this weekend all right then you need to get out of the house you need it we're done if you're not gonna no don't make that face you know i just my wife asked me every sunday night she said did you get lucky this weekend? And then I'm like, of course I did. And it's always a lie. I just want to even the playing field.

So I decline your offer. And I'll extend you an offer to be my secretary. And we'll have a sort of affair. Slap some heart across his face. I know. I know it's that. Be my secretary. This should be all week long.

There's a show. And listen, I know I talk about shows a lot, but this one's different. It's special. That's like 80% of your What what shook me is a show that people have already seen this show is definitely it's on its second season but we're just discovering it it's on apple tv and it's called tiny world oh my god it's hosted by paul rudd it's narrated by paul rudd and it is it is a nature doc show and it's like in the way that it's like each episode it's like one's the outback one is like meadows one's ponds one's you know caribbean and it's all about the tiny life that lives there and so it's about like all these like hummingbirds and sugar gliders and bugs and chipmunks and the footage they get is insane like all of like those kind of like planet earth

ask like doc shows are incredible but these because the creatures are so tiny i don't know how they get it um that's insane and they're all so it's incredible daniel and i like we've been binging it and just like losing our fucking minds there's an ep um and i'm not gonna give any spoilers this isn't a spoiler this is just a fact but no because the editing is so incredible it's like no they're like they're stories these things are like characters it's wild um and so in the outback episode it follows the life of like a mom and a baby sugar glider and a baby sugar glider is the size of a thumb and it's insane and that's insane the mom can like fit in the palm of the

hand and so in the outback it gets it's so hot and so dry that when the storms come it's like a lot of electrical like heat storms and so the lightning it'll cause like giant wildfires and then there's a specific kind of toxin in these gum tree leaves that it like it can it makes the fire rage even more than it already would because of the specific kind of toxin but anyway it's like it because the sugar glider you watch it get big enough where the mom can't carry the sugar glider on its back anymore and so they're surrounded by all this fire and then there's these kind of hawks they're called like the colloquial name is like fire hawks these hawks that swoop in during a wildfire because all these little creatures are trying

to run away and so they're like oh it's feeding time and they come on in and so it's like it's crazy but it's like you're watching this little baby sugar glider take his first flight on his own he's surrounded by fire and hawks and I was getting ready to sob and I was so

you should watch it if you want if you don't want any spoilers for tiny world skip ahead 30 seconds the sugar glider it survives the baby sugar glider survives but i was so ready for it to not do that and when it ended daniel was just like i'm like oh thank god and he's like riley i'm for your sake i'm happy it survived because i was really prepping for it to for you to it was gonna be a hard night for you it's gonna be a hard

night for Daniel yeah um so it's fantastic that's I'm gonna watch nature is in nature's incredible yeah it's it's unbelievable how everything works together in such a seamless way oh really quick tying into that because of nature um it is fucking wild to me that this like whatever generation i forget what it's called of cicadas are gonna come out and cicadas are crazy that they have been burrowing for 17 years and are like good morning that's crazy it's wild your turn Dr. Arthur Benjamin. What? That's all. Dr. Arthur Benjamin. He got to the bottom of my dry eye issues.

I have clogged my bion glands. You're making this up. Two of them have atrophied so i've lost some glands and the others are clogged so i'm starting lipoflow which unclogs your glands uh and uh it's also i learned i don't know nobody else could fucking diagnose me with it i've had dry eye issues since i was like 18 and if i could have found if i could have figured this out when i was 18 i would have such healthier eyes so i'm kind of pissed at every eye doctor I've ever seen. But he also explained to me that, like, the machine that tests for it is, like, $100,000. So most doctors can't afford it.

Wow. But this guy also seems to be, like, the eye doctor to the friggin' stars. Because when I was in the office, they were like, and this might be illegal to say. So maybe I'll bleep the guy's name. But he was like. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, they were just like, the front desk lady kept being like oh and is that for blank celebrity is that for blank celebrity and i also

saw like a a celebrity in the office which is not why i went i just went because he's the best dry eye specialist in la but it also makes me feel like i'm in good hands because if it's good enough for me yeah so i'm starting with my first lip of flow session tomorrow and then they're going to put punctal plugs in my drainage ducts. So basically it's going to increase the quality of tears and the quantity of tears. Increase the quality of tears? Yeah. I'm going to cry so much better.

Like the tear quality, they're going to be thick. They're going to be glossy. You joke about it, but that's what's wrong with my eyes. I know. It's just wild to think about. But hopefully, he was saying in six months, I should have much wetter eyes. And so we shall see.

Also, I have like a- The wetter, the better eyes. You know how this side of my left eye is always kind of red? It's because there's like a, I forget the name of it, but there's like a pink tissue growth that happened because of the dryness. And he said that he can get that out. So I hopefully, knock on wood,

we'll have very white eyes in the next six months. And I'm so fucking happy. I'm so happy for you. I know that this has been such a stress for you. And so I'm so happy that that's the case. Yeah, I'm so excited. We'll see. We'll see if it works.

Hopefully it does. There could be a world where it doesn't work. But he said, if you do this, it'll get better. He's like, you can't promise how much better, but it will get better. So we'll see. Yay, Jeffy! You can follow Riley on Instagram, at Riley Anspa, on Twitter, at Riley Coyote, and the show on Instagram, at Review Review. You can follow Jeff on Instagram, at Jeffy James, and Jeff on Twitter, at JeffBoyRD.

Should we think some VI podcasts? Let's fucking do it. Big thanks to Aaron Carrico. Adam Shea. Agent Michael Hastie. Ako. Alan. Alex Witt.

Alton Burkholder. Alvar Wallstrom Lindell. Anna Liv. Anthony Amadeo. Bagadoo. My therapist hated that I wore the hoodie to my last session. It fell bag. Jokes on her.

It fell bag. Bird Cohen on her. It fell bag. Bird Cohen. Bob, did you ever... Never mind. Buell. Brad Hild. Brian Dodd. Brownlee's Druthers.

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It's clearly Sad Ant, and now the reason is clear. Holly. Isaac Puff. Jake the Snake Radiff. Jake Knight. Jake Ullman. Jasper Hoffman. Jesse Tipton.

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that wedding season started I won't be able to attend any weekend czar and I imagine he decided it was zardies yeah that's the thing maybe we should talk about to the vipodcast in the discord and see if now that things are actually like normal life is

returning if we should maybe make them on a Wednesday or Thursday yeah Nate Porteous. Nolan Murphy more like Bolo Murphy so it's like Nolan Murphy in Cowboy turning if we should maybe make them on a wednesday or thursday yeah yeah nate porteous nolan murphy more like bolo murphy so it's like nolan murphy cowboy fashion just get a job man that was awful nothing sometimes new that's a new podcast hello new podcast phoenix mcvernan rooster williams sam armstrong sam i guess this is the only effective way to communicate with you. I want my hoodie.

I'm so jealous of everyone else's picks, Adams. They're coming. Sarah Kildiff. Slick Ricky. Spencer. Steph Kaz. Street Fuerer. Theodore Giesen.

These vagabondals are longing to Bob. Thick Dick Rick's Bisquick Stick. No! TR aka Ghoulia aka Penis McGinty. Ty Sambi's Thick Juicy Caboosey. New PodCat. Will Benitez.

Xander Madsen. Yara Bouchard. Zach Johnstone. And Zona Gale, author of such pivotal works as Heart, Skin, Trig. Not just kidding, it's Brendan Metz. Oh man. I'm starving. Thank thank you everyone for subscribing at the highest tier you can subscribe also for bonus comedy content at patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff we'll see you guys again next week arrivederci that was a hit gum original