Review Revue - Holiday Ice Rinks

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Holiday Ice Rinks and discuss Ann Arbor, diving into ice, and musical clairvoyance during CAT scans.Click here to vote for the Best of Review Revue, 2020!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. I just wanna know how you feel For the one love that's so proud and real

You make me wanna go out and steal I just wanna review Oh, God. There's nothing like a tiny hand in one hand and an old-fashioned in the other regular-sized hand, you know? Cheers, Zansquad. It's 8.42 local time Cleveland, Ohio, 5.42 local time Pacific. We're having a drink, so if you're feeling...

And I'm having a think. What's that? I'm just, you know, it's that time of night. The sun goes down and my thoughts go wild. You haven't even eaten dinner yet. What wild thoughts could you possibly be having? Wild, wild, wild. Wild, wild thoughts.

I was crying on the way home today. From where? was crying on the way home today from where a little distanced outside socially safe social distance lunch with my mom in her backyard and then i came home to my house and there was traffic and so i thought i'll listen to the 10th anniversary live concert of les miserables and i played it on shuffle and the epilogue came on and I was weeping at Hauser and Venice Boulevard intersection. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. What about this? When I'm with you, all I do is drink shots.

Because, you know, in this story, whoever that person's with is unbearable. In this story. that person's with is unbearable in this story you love the Beatles it's all storytelling it's all storytelling through song you're that dude you're like at a party and you have your guitar and you're like so I'm gonna sing you a story right now everyone's like yeah I don't know

and you're like kind of like no can everyone just kind of gather around the campfire i'm gonna i'm gonna weave a tale through song yeah we have to leave for the show like we're all going to a concert where this is a pregame it's not really a sit down to see i've gone so in this story one day you're gonna actually look around and be like oh where'd you go everybody kind of smiles wait why are you guys smiling so big but tomorrow it rains so i'll follow the sun so in this story what's happening is that it's like i don't know what the weather's gonna be like just play the song man like either play it or tell us about it don't do both don't also be the genius lyric

explanation while you're singing the song don't revisit it as it's happening you're not doing a retrospective how's your day good our power our power was out it's back luckily so i'm on real internet not using hotspot data um nice but yeah it snowed on monday the on sunday night and you and it snows every year in Northeast Ohio. You'd really think they'd kind of have it down. But nay, power line's gone, spectrum's down. They couldn't give a shit because they have a monopoly on the area, obviously. You can't choose between AT&T Spectrum or Google Fiber.

It's just Spectrum here, which I think should be against the law because that is the definition of a monopoly. Yeah, we had basically no power and we're operating off of weak generator power for the better part of a week. But we're back. Generator. Nice. I think there's going to be power outages in LA. There's going to be pretty high winds tonight and tomorrow. There's Santa Annas. So anna's that fire season um we love it we'd love to see it how's your day wednesday right hump day

that's really good that's really good actually it was so good when you did it one more please for the show and for me for the show and for me

hump day you know we have fun yeah man come on come on I love that

it's fine come on don't embarrass me get Elizabeth and Daniel in here stop it I'm trying to talk to you about my day stop making me say fucking hump day again my day's been fine

and really young stop trying to make me say hump dirt and then actually doing it instead of just saying it um what's been really exciting is the spotify wrapped playlists are coming out and review review is on so many people's top five playlists which is so awesome thank you all for listening and hey for those apple podcast listeners you know thanks no i actually you absolute losers i only listen to podcasts on apple on apple podcasts so really i understand yeah and if um and if apple podcasts had a wrapped version i would probably be listening to an ungodly amount of my dad wrote a porno so that's fine my top podcast was hodinky radio which i was surprised by but i do fall asleep to it so sometimes i right i listen to like eight hours straight but

i'm really that makes sense yeah so i was kind of like responding to people who posted um about review review this morning i made some brekkie two eggs on toast um sorry it wasn't toast oh my god it wasn't toast i'm so sorry i'm so sorry brekkie two eggs on toast anyways two eggs on and everything oh nice and um i did my makeup for the first time in forever i don't know why i did i just i thought it'd be nice i did see your instagram story and you had makeup on i was like oh she has an odd diesel no not today um i just wanted to do it i don't know um and then my mom and i i went to go meet my mom and um because our tradition we she and i go and pick out the christmas tree for our family every year that's nice and so in my hometown there's a little lot um with a tent uh and trees inside and it was covid safe

because there was two like at first i was like i don't know about the time but then there was there was a kind of opening archways on either side so there was some ventilation going through and everyone was masked so we were walking around in there picking out a tree which was nice um did you take it home that day are they going to deliver they delivered it that day that like it's there is it up uh-huh damn that was fast um we should mention that we are gearing up for our best of review review kind of retrospectives, really. We're going to kind of give some commentary, introduce the bits. So if you go to the Review Review Instagram, the link is there in our bio, at Review Review on Instagram. And you can vote for your top eight favorite episodes of the show.

And we'll put together a little compilation episode, two of them actually don't vote or don't vote but then you just you might be disappointed with the outcome you'll be like oh i didn't want to listen to that one and i'll be like well it's your own fault for not voting you're like really kind of getting angry at people like no it's just like a chance if if let's say the lids episode plays and someone's like oh but i actually i really wanted public pools but i didn't vote it's like oh well did you vote and i was like no it's like okay so then why do i care what you didn't vote in the election i just didn't see a point got it uh we're not talking about voting though anspa we're talking about ice rinks ice skating leads to mating.

I mean, you're not wrong. I think it's one of the most romantic dates you can go on is ice skating around the holidays. Do you disagree? No, I, I, listen, the idea of like going ice skating and like getting cozy and like being like, oh, we're on the ice. Sounds great. I am the least confident ice skater. And so I'm just kind of holding the railing as I pull myself along the rink. And then the next day I wake up with very sore inner thighs. I went on an ice rink and I had sore gams for a week.

No, but that's what's like kind of vibey about it. Because, you know, I'm with a lass, right? And she's like, the only thing keeping her from falling on her ass is Uncle Jeffrey. And she does call you Uncle Jeffrey. Yeah. And so I'm like guiding her waist, kind of showing her the ropes in a way. Suddenly I slip and fall on my back through the ice like Harryry bailey and it's a wonderful life this is the second week in a row you've mentioned that movie go on i'm sorry is all i'm really if i'm

gonna apologize to anybody i have to apologize to hallie our patron so why make of that what you might namaste absolutely namaste do you have any ice rink experience? Yeah, I used to go ice skating for fun, not around the holidays. Sorry, go on. I thought that was my inside thoughts. That's worse that that's what your inner monologue is when we do the show. My mom was a figure skater,

so she showed me and my sister how to skate what i didn't know that not like a professional but like in college that's like a crazy skill to have she was the ice princess and vice versa no i i really wasn't good at skating because i'm not a coordinated person uh anyway uh and then yeah in recent years it's just like from high school to now it's just like taking dates if you know what i mean in air quotes um to you know holiday ice rinks so that's like your go-to like if you have a date around the holidays you're like i know what'll get her going i mean you sort of have to right it's like it's a rite of passage in a way in a way on the day what is that in a rink on a rink on a slab of frozen water ever heard of it zamboni um there's a really nice holiday

rink in downtown cleveland and public square uh and then there's one downtown la right there's one at la live and one at person square and those are always nice i never i haven't been to either of them but um yeah what about you there was a nice one i remember going with my dad and my sister there was a really cute like small one in santa monica um which was really really lovely um yeah it's fine the idea of it is always really nice and then i get there and it's really crowded and i always feel because i'm not like i'm i have weak knees and ankles and so i'll kind of get on the ice and and feel pressured to go faster than what i'm comfortable with because people behind me are like let's get a move on and i'm kind of holding on to the walls for sure um and i'm kind of like i'm not gliding i'm doing I'm kind of like, I'm not gliding. I'm doing like, kind of like little baby, like.

Like cross-country skiing steps. Yeah. Love cross-country skiing. Cannot ice skate very well. That's so much harder. No, it's just a harder workout. It's easier to do, but like, it's a better workout. But I do remember, I remember going a lot with girlfriends in high school and there was there's a lovely one in um Boston which was so fun to go in the winter in college with a group of

gals and um you never went with a lad well Jim or otherwise Jim Jim lad he's a radio dj from the uh 1960s got it last year when uh we were in new york for carnegie um i think it was like after rehearsal or something i forget when anyway daniel and i oh no no no no we daniel and i went to see oh my god it was a magical night christmas time in new york not overrated it is perfectly rated it's beautiful beautiful. And so Daniel and I went to go see one of my favorite fucking things I've ever seen, which is called, everyone look this up immediately. Jeff, you would love it.

It's called Slava's Snow Show. And it is a clowning, it's a clowning troupe. And it's like a very, this clown named Slava. The first thing that comes up on Google suggestions is Slava's Snow Show show joseph joseph gordon levitt is he part of it whoa i don't know anyway daniel and i after the show we're like look we're not ready to go back to the hotel yet let's take a walk around and we didn't realize how close we were um oh my god i forget what park

it is no it wasn't it wasn't that rink it was fuck it's like a i don't know there was a christmas market up and i couldn't tell you where it is i feel really dumb using yeah it was in union square and um all these christmas shops and like it was just we had no idea that we would just stumble upon it i think like we got out of the show and we're like i really want hot chocolate like i'm not ready to go back let's just go find somewhere to get hot chocolate yeah and then we literally like walk a couple blocks turn a corner and there's this giant bustling christmas market we're like oh hell yeah and it was perfect and it was like lightly snowing and i felt like i was at a fucking hallmark movie and we're walking around and we get um we get like uh w, like chocolate dipped waffles.

The way you're describing this, Gabrus' pants would be tight. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, it was cozy as shit, Gabrus. I hope you listen to this. You probably won't, but it's fine. You will not. And then there was ice skating happening.

And we kind of just, we just sat and watched for a while while we had our hot chocolate. And I think there was a point where we're like, should we rent skates and go? But then we're like, it's too much effort. And so we just sat and watched. And then it was great because it's like we got to watch not only the skaters going round and round, but then we got to watch the Zamboni.

And that was some good shit. It was a wonderful night. You know what's funny?'s i thought this was what you're gonna say but there's always like one guy at the ice skating rink like the holiday pop-up who's taking it way too seriously who's like wearing like hockey skates that he's like brought from home oh yeah there were so many yeah and like going backwards and all this stuff and it's like cool man you're obviously here alone yes and they're like doing backwards and all this stuff. And it's like, cool, man, you're obviously here alone. Yes, yes.

And they're like doing tricks. And they make it look so easy. And then I get on and I'm like, it's not. It's like so easy to fall cartoonishly, like flip legs in the air on your back. Yeah. So, which, you know, that is one thing I miss this year, though, is holiday ice rings. I miss falling on my back. I miss the small of Marty's back.

Marty. Straight to the ad. This review is for Arctic Edge Ice Rink in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It's from Catherine C. Christmas. Catherine Christmas writes, Five stars. Growing up, this was my go-to for ice skating.

Nothing but fond, fun memories. This place was always clean clean catered to pros and newbies and generally inviting i wish that i hadn't moved because had i not i'd still be a regular caters to pros is the fact like she moved she gets a job in the big city like she's in new york and like a high society like magazine or something and everyone's out to drinks like a trendy bar and she's just kind of like sitting like alone at the edge of the bar looking sad bartender yeah what's up another round please okay you haven't finished the first two oh i didn't even realize do you like the drink that you've been ordering because i can get you

something else like if you just tell me what you like i can make something i thought i would like white russians but i don't think i do i'll honestly just take like some maker's mark on the rocks okay that's cool yeah if that's what like, it makes sense that you didn't like the White Russian. What's on your mind, by the way? You seem kind of forlorn. Oh, no. I don't want to bore you with my sob story. It's Christmas time in the city.

He walks to the other end of the bar. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, sorry. I'm just, I don't want to put a damper on your night. Oh, okay, cool. Box to the other end of the bar. But if you really want to know. What's that?

Have you ever, I don't know, this might sound stupid, but, sorry, I'm just looking at your name tag. Shelton, have you ever been in one place, but your heart is somewhere else? Wow no i think i think no you've never like you've never thought that you should be happy where you're at but your your heart is just longing longing for something that you can't quite grasp no my heart's always kind of been good to have um well you're one of the lucky ones, Sheldon. Why? Are you feeling that way? What's that?

Yeah, I mean, I love the big city. I said you're one of the lucky ones. You're lucky that you feel that way. Yeah, I wish I could be like you. You make me blush. I'm kind of torn because, you know, I love my job. I love my new friends. I love my new life.

But there's just something's great that's missing oh there's more what's missing the arctic ice rink where's that you've never heard of the arctic ice rink i've heard of uh the one at 30 rock the one at central park the one at prospect park the one in union square um no this one's in ann arbor shelton i've never been there i grew up here which is partially why my heart has never kind of felt longing for elsewhere oh my god Shelton next time you're in Ann Arbor you have to go this place was it's a utopia I don't think I'll ever be there home what what do you mean I just don't travel that much I'm kind of a simple guy you've never you've

never gotten out of New York City what's that you've never left the city I've left the city it's just like i i don't have business in ann arbor and i don't know anyone over there well this might sound crazy but what are you doing for christmas i'm probably gonna be with my family honestly like you know everyone's here and i have like my cousins are up in the upper west side and so we probably go over to their place they have this like kind of crazy apartment so we i don't think they're what's that i don't think so well that that's almost for sure i mean like i i made it sound like we might do that but that's like the

set the plan's kind of set in stone no not anymore silly you're coming with me right now where we're going to i i figured it's time like what am i doing wasting my time here being all sad in a bar in times square when i could be where my heart really wants to be this holiday season. So come with me, Shelton. Let's go. We see there at a TGI Fridays in Times Square. Shelton, let's get out of here. Let's just run away with me and we'll be on the ice and maybe we'll hold hands.

I don't know. I don't know what the future has in store. But come with me right now, Shelton. I mean, I got to admit, I haven't dated anybody in a long time because I never take the initiative. And then, like, I just don't put myself out there besides at work and with my family. So I never get asked out. So, I mean, I'll go. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Great. Let's do it. Cut to the Arctic ice rink. Oh, my God. It's like I can feel my feet on the floor and my soul and my heart. That's great. What do you think? That sounds awesome. What do I think? What do you think of it? Yeah, I mean, it looks like they practice hockey here. It smells kind of like sweat. Oh, well, come around. They know me here, so I'll introduce you to everybody.

She goes up to the snack stand. Hi, can I help you? Oh, hi, can I help you? Hello, it's me. I'm home for the holidays. It's you. Welcome home, I guess. It's Hazel. Oh my God, Shelton, he's pretending to forget my name.

Jimmy, it's Hazel. It's me, Hazel. I don't think, first of all, my name's not Jimmy. It's Tyler. I don't think you and i've ever met no oh my god oh my god hazel are you sure you know him it's fine if you don't know him no i do it's it's so funny they switch up some on me sometimes no tyler your dad's jimmy right you're jimmy's boy my dad worked with dad worked with Jimmy, but Jimmy died in a horrific

accident, like, ten years ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was really sorry to hear about that. Well, no matter. I'm Hazel, and this is kind of like my second home, you know? You might recognize

me on the ice. You've probably heard of me i'm kind of like a little ice rat oh you know what yeah we know you um there's like he points to a thing on the wall it's like a framed photo of her saying do not let her attention all ice lifeguards do not let her on the ice without supervision um anyway can we get two hot chocolates please actually i would love um a bagel or and maybe a slice of pizza new york style oh my god this is my new friend he's a new yorker through and through oh wow welcome to oh the big apple that's a really cool place to be why aren't you

why aren't you there hey honestly i don't know i mean she told me to come to ann arbor and i just did so shelton best not to look at the picture in the back. So let's just get our skates and get on the ice, huh? I'm jonesing for some powder. And by powder, I mean ice. I just am really hungry. I kind of wanted like a bagel or something. Oh, yeah, we have a bagel here, right here.

No, it's okay. We don't need the bagels. We don't need the bagels. Hands it to him. He takes a bite. Ugh. So dry. The water that went into it doesn't taste like it should.

You know what? I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable here. What are you talking about, Shelton? You know how you felt in New York? Yeah. I don't know. I think I feel like that here. Wait, Shelton, just come out on the ice with me and just give it a little bit more time.

Okay. Cut to them on the ice. I start, I'm going backwards. I'm pulling you. Like trying to get you to go. But you're actually pretty good. Come on them on the ice. I start, I'm going backwards. I'm pulling you. Like trying to get you to go. But you're actually pretty good. Come on, follow my lead. Just one foot in front of the other, Shelton.

I'm not moving my legs because you specifically asked me not to. You said, hey, can I drag you around the ice? My skates are like a second skin, Shelton. And so what you got to understand is like, my heart might not be made of ice, but kind of like this is my natural habitat, if you know what I mean. Shelton, I'm so happy you came home with me.

You have no idea what it's like to be able to share this incredible world with someone I love. What? Shelton, from the moment we met, I knew that I had to bring you to the place that mattered most to me. As I'm talking, the ice lifeguards are like kind of starting to recognize like in a video game. It's like, huh? And Shelton, let's move here. I love you.

No one's ever loved me before. I want to take your last name immediately so that the photo on the... It doesn't matter. Let's just get married right now and I'll take your last name. And then we can be at the ice rink all the time. Yeah, Brian, it's definitely her. It's Hazel Longbottom. No, it's not Hazel Longbottom.

Oh, I understand why you want to take my name. Shelton, what's your last name? What's your last name? Blake. What's your last name? Shelton Blake. No, it's me. Let's get, okay, I'm just going to start calling myself Hazel Blake, if that's okay with you.

It'll just be really, really quick. Okay, I'm really just along for the ride. Hello. Hey, boys. I'm not who you're looking for. They hold up the picture right next to her. It's almost the exact facial expression. It's for sure you.

We're going to have to ask you to leave the rink. Cut to her family's house. I don't think your dad likes me very much. No, Shelton, he loves you. It's just kind of hard to impress him. So, Shelton, do you it's just kind of hard to impress him so Shelton do you work in fracking no I no sir I don't uh I don't work in fracking I actually work at a at a bar oh oh really Mr. Fancy Pants huh big New York man don't do this dad come on you think you're better than

me huh you think you're better than me because you just you live in manhattan manhattan the stolen land brother dad i'm complex i frack and i recognize the privilege and that we stole committed genocide yeah i know i frack and i know you can't you need to stop telling people i frack and i know sir for what it's worth um i worked my way up to to being manager at the bar that i work at. And I work very hard. And if you're worried about whether or not I'm going to be able to take care of... Hazel. Hazel. I think I can.

And Dad, Shelton loved the Arctic ice rink. Well, I wouldn't say love. He... You loved that place? Well, Dad, come on. The Arctic ice rink is the reason why Hazel can't stand up straight. She stands at an 85 degree angle to the ground. Stop! You said you'd never mention that to anyone!

Do you know how many spinal fractures she has from falling on ice? It's not noticeable unless you bring it up! It's one of those things where it's like, at first glance, you'd never know, but then once you mention it, then you can't unsee it dad has a thing about the holidays and you know clearly a thing about the ice rink and um if you're gonna be part of this family shelton it's something that you're gonna i guess need to accept about him about us dad's mom my grandma um god and it really like i every time i tell this to someone new it's really really hard um but me ma was actually quite literally and quite violently run over by a reindeer walking home from our house. Sorry, Christmas Eve.

And people say, you know, there's no such thing as Santa. But, you know, as for me and grandma, we believe. Well, she believed. Sorry, Dad. as for me and grandma we believe well she believed uh um sorry dad but um so and that's why that's why i skate i skate to let my mind go let it free and sometimes when i look down at the ice and my skates are going cutting fresh tracks i imagine me cutting into the reindeer that that ran over our meemaw and that's why they don't just a coincidence sorry it's just a coincidence that there's a song that with those exact words as lyrics what do you mean i don't think that your grandma got run over by a reindeer because um that's like a song dad did you know that someone made a song about Meemaw?

I did, actually. What? Dad, why would you ever tell me this? That's in such poor taste, actually. How do you think I paid for this house? We see that it's like fucking incredible. Dad, you... You... Wait, you wrote the song?

What? It's incredible. No, it's not incredible. You're profiting off your own mother's debt. Oh, I see what impresses big New York City boy, big Apple boy. He only wants the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Well, guess what?

I work for a living. I frack, and I know. You frack, you know, and you make money off your mother's debt. Shelton's phone rings. Sorry, I have to take this. Hey, Mom. How's Christmas with everybody on the Upper West Side?

We miss you so much, honey. I don't understand why you just up and left and said, I can't tell you why I have to go. I don't know either. I'm in Ann Arbor. I'm in the house of the guy who wrote the song Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

What? Honey! Honey! Get over here! He... arbor i'm in the house of the guy who wrote the song grandma got run over by a reindeer what honey honey get over here he sorry tell your dad tell your dad what what's what's going on new york yeah new york dad i'm in ann arbor i'm not in new york that's not new york i i know it and believe me i'm not too happy but christmas time new york what's going on i wish i was there you always make me feel better dad come on new york i'm in the house of it sounds crazy saying it you're not gonna believe me i'm in the house of the guy who wrote grandma got run over by reindeer no fucking shit cousin benny cousin benny get over here no don't put benny on yo new york what's going on what's going on new york uh i'm in ann arbor michigan go yankees what's going on? What's going on, Shelton? New York, Benny, New York, New York. I'm in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Go Mets, go Yankees. What's going on, son? Go Mets, go Jets. Go Nets. Go Mets. I'm in Ann Arbor. You're in Ann Arbor? That's not fucking New York.

I know, I know. I don't know what I'm doing here, but I found myself in some fucked up way in the house to the guy who wrote Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. No fucking way no fucking shit that's what i said oh my god new york city new york manhattan new york new york that's incredible but you know what i think hearing you guys's voices on the phone hearing Pizza. Pizza. Bagels. Zabars.

Lox. Broadway. 30 Rock. Ice skating rink at 30 Rock. Rats. Hats. I meant to ask you, how did that first date go that you went on the other day? Was it good?

Oh, well, I thought it was actually going pretty well. But, you know, i took her to the rink at 30 rock and turns out she was 30 rats in a trench coat so new york new york it's the city that never sleeps and the city that always creeps you out if you're not a local come home you're right i gotta change my flight cut to him at the airport. You don't have to leave. I thought we were going to start a life here. I don't know who you are, Hazel. You have a bad spine because you fell on ice.

And your grandma literally got run over by a reindeer. Your parents seem to have a fine relationship, but your dad wrote a song about the grandma dying. Tragically. And it's a hit and he lives in a mansion in ann arbor i this might be good for you and for someone else but it's not good for me i gotta be in new york i'm sorry then go go okay okay you're a coward then he walks down to security like you walk down on the bar but but if you are going to go, just can I ask for one thing? No.

He walks through security. Wait, wait, wait. As he's getting scanned on the x-ray thing. No. God. That was a fucking novel. That was a novel. Have fun editing that.

All right. This is a one-star review from Tiffany A. Of the Holiday Ice Rink at Pershing Square, downtown Los Angeles. Tiffany, apple-bottom jeans, jeans, boots, with the fur, with the fur. All right. So, Tiffany, apple-bottom jeans, jeans, boots, with the fur, with the fur. Fur, with the fur. But you have to sing apple bottom jeans jeans boots with the fur with the fur but you have to sing it yeah i yeah all right this is her at customs i'm not gonna sing it um no come on you're gonna have to come with us actually there's no way this is your name

all right one star no hyphens just all one word january 2. God, she didn't know it was about to happen. I've been here before and it wasn't this bad. The ice was melted with puddles. I could barely ice skate. The manager, Thatcher, was not helpful at all. He was not accommodating for paying customers. The staff even told us it's better to skate on melted ice. Professional ice skaters and hockey players definitely do not perform in melted ice. So I find that really hard to believe. It makes me think of like an inspirational sports movie of like, you know, all the rich kids get to practice on like really clean, fresh ice. There's that one like ragtag kid who's like training on a pond and then they make the team

and then like their first practice. All right, everyone, everyone line up. Get your skates lined up, please. We're gonna just start with some easy laps around the rink, okay? We just got it freshly zambonied so it should be perfect and ready to go. All right, all right.

They all take off their equipment. They're wearing swimsuits. They dive into the ice and hurt themselves. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ow. Ow. Ow. What the hell?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What is this stuff? What is this stuff? You're on an ice skating team. This is ice. What are you talking about? Yeah, and ice is water.

Ice is frozen water. Which is what you swim in. What? What? I've been training in this way that's how i made the team you've been swimming i've been trained for ice skating everyone else is skating normally bradley can you come and get get off the ice let's get you let's get you a robe and just come sit on the bench with me all right what was my time bradley you didn't get a time you

just dove headfirst onto ice you probably have a concussion i time bradley you didn't get a time you just dove head first onto ice you probably have a concussion i can't believe your head didn't split open that's where the training comes in what i am gonna be the best hockey player in town this i'm gonna beat all those rich fuckers at starwells academy bradley i can see you've got a lot of heart. All right. And I really appreciate that. And any of my boys on this team, okay? Thank you. You gotta skate on normal ice. And by normal ice, I just mean regular ice, not water.

That's what's gonna happen. It's not a big ask. Have you ever watched a hockey game? I don't know, coach. Have I ever watched a hockey game? Yeah. I've watched the Olympics. So I think, yeah. Did you watch the Olympic hockey game yeah i've watched the olympics so i think yeah

did you watch the olympic hockey game 100 yeah the meat hockey meat is what they call it hockey meat okay all right if you want to try out for the i'm gonna be the next michael phelps and i'm gonna win the stanley cup you have taken one too many concussions and you don't know what sport you're playing. So if you want to swim, that's fine. My friend, Miss Lee, is the swim coach. And so I can bring you over to her this afternoon. Her office is right down from mine. What do I look like, Wayne Gretzky?

I'm not a fucking loser like him and the other swimmers in this school. Wayne Gretzky is a famous hockey player. You sad, sad boy. You say that again. You say that again to my face. What is your issue? All nine of you. All nine of you. Oh my God. Okay. Let's take you cut to the nurse's office. She's doing the eye test with the flashlight. All right. And look to the left. Blinded by the light. Oh, that is, I cannot look at what you're showing me. Yeah, we get that a lot. Can you look to the left, please? I cannot.

When I look to the left, I start bleeding. Right. Okay, we're going to need to send you to the ER. Cut to the ER. All right. Can you just walk in a straight line for us, please? I'll do my best. He takes one step, but it's to the side.

Okay. We've cut to you're about to go in for a CAT scan. All right. So this may be, you know, hour, hour and a half. So we've got a blanket for you, and it could be a cat scan. All right. So this may be, you know, hour, hour and a half. So we've got a blanket for you and it could be a little claustrophobic. So I'm just going to put, open your left palm. There we go.

I'm just going to put a little button in there. And if you feel like you're, it's too much for you or you need to breathe there, just press that and we'll take you out for a little bit and then we'll put you back in. Okay. And does this, it's already started spinning. So how am I, am I going to get vertigo?

You're not in yet. What's that? You're not in yet what's that you're not in yet okay because it feels like i am in yeah okay close your eyes do you still feel do you still feel like you're spinning i see a lot of colors with your eyes closed with my eyes closed i'm almost yeah replaying the images of the day okay we're definitely going to put you in the cat skin so just lie down and we'll pop you right on in okay and you said i'm gonna feel claustrophobic you might and that's totally. So just lie down and we'll pop you right on in. Okay. And you said I'm going to feel claustrophobic? You might. And that's totally normal. And that's why we gave you the button. So,

you know, we would really appreciate it if you could stay in there and stay still as long as you can. The more still you are, the better of a read we're going to get. All right. We'll do. All right. So I'll be behind this booth if you need me. You know, there's a mic in there, so I'll be able to hear you. But unless it's an emergency and you really need to stop, that's when you press the button. Slide me in, Doc. I go behind the booth. Show you in.

Would you like to listen to a little music while you're in there? You might want to put me in the machine first, Doc. Oh, you're in. You're absolutely in. Really, because this feels like an atrium. That's wonderful. You said I was going to feel claustrophobic. I said you might.

It's really common, too, but I guess your depth perception is depth perception is all right well that's why you're in here so hop on folklore by taylor swift oh you know the lyrics what's that yeah no i love this song that's wonderful how are you feeling in there i have a secret to tell you. Okay. This is a first. I got to admit. What's up? I'm hearing the new Taylor Swift album. Do you want to hear it?

Oh, I can hear it. It's playing in here too. No, no, no. I put it on. Right. It's newer than folklore. Sorry. I swear to God, I'm hearing Taylor.

You're hearing an album that doesn't exist. It's hard to explain, but I know that she's going to write these songs. Sing it. I feel Taylor made, because I have it made. Bought lots of money swiftly, because I'm Taylor Swift. Bought a place on Martha's Vineyard, because I'm really poor. Couldn't afford Nantucket prices or the Hamptons either. I'm Taylor Swift I'm walking

by this and I kind of hear the song through the booth oh my god that's amazing cut to five months later I'm performing that song at like the AMAs cause I'm Taylor Swift and I bought a house on Martha's Vineyard

cause I couldn't afford Nantucket prices or anywhere else. Wow. Thank you so much. Woo. I love you guys so much. The cat scan technician is in her house like jaw on the floor.

Phone rings. Hello? You saw it. Yeah. I just, hello you saw it yeah i just i just saw it i mean those were your lyrics those were taylor's lyrics i just got a sneak peek i just got a sneak peek and you know what else communicate telepathically with me what 585 for the copay on the cat scan because i don't have a concussion i never had a concussion. I knew what was happening. Look at the song that she just did.

I knew. I knew more than anyone. You're the one with the concussion. You're the one with the concussion. All right, I'm going to drive over to your house. We're going to get you back to the ER. I dove in ice. His head is stuck in an ice bucket.

He's bleeding from the ears you're back in the cat scan holy shit all right here we are again right you're not gonna fucking believe this what hove himself is about to drop the blueprint part five i don't think so i swear to god jay-z has some lyrics you want to hear it yeah i got 101 dalmatians but a bitch is one because there's like and then he goes i i can't hear it clearly enough but he raps about how the dog is uh it's a female dog and then like the second verse is about how gender doesn't exist so it's actually woke z hove woke cut to the amas jay-z performs exactly that i call you how do you hear this i dove onto a waterfall then slipped on it because it was frozen and cracked my ear on ice you have to come get me

i am not your keeper. He's wearing a Michael Phelps hockey jersey, clearly custom made. God. This just shook me all week long. My Spotify wrapped, speaking of, Riley, was poor. Really? It was poor, actually. Yeah, it was not representative of Riley, was poor. Really?

It was poor, actually. Yeah, it was not representative of what my year was. My top five songs are, the top four are from Feli's new album. Feli's a musician who went to USC. And then the last one is Cooking Up Something Good by Mac DeMarco. Now, I like Mac DeMarco. I understand why people don't like him. I did not listen to those songs enough for those to be my top five.

100% I did not. I can name songs that I listened to for sure that should have been in the top five. But I was in the top 0.1% of Grateful Dead listeners. That's insane. I saw someone who was in the top 0.05% of Maggie Rogers Dead listeners. That's insane. I saw someone who was in the top.05% of Maggie Rogers or something. That's crazy. My top five song,

I mean, it's the same as last year. My number one artist and all my number one songs was Eva B. Ross. My top five songs was just her EP. She owes you cash. I know streams don't get that much, but if you're listening

to her that many hours for sure you're giving her i could listen to her forever um no i mean she'd out even be ross go listen to play us for the apocalypse um it's so good um well that makes sense for you i mean like you're kind of a fake grateful dead fan i guess a fake grateful dead fan yeah i never shut up about it you're a fake fan you just do it for clout i think i don't think it gives you clout people get mad at me when i talk about it people get mad people get angry well it's because i talk about it too much i don't think it's because i'm talking about the dead but yeah people get upset why i think because no one gives a shit i don't know what it is exactly, but it might have to be that nobody gives a shit. So.

It might have to be that. It might have to be that. And I don't want it to be, but it might have to. It's going to end up being that. What's been shaking me is Daniel and I are preparing for an upcoming project that we're working on with um his family and other wonderful talented artists and like writers actors dancers contortionists like all these other things so we'll talk about it magicians absolutely right um impressionists

musicians all that kind of thing um so i will i don't know if i'm allowed to fully like talk about what it is yet but y'all will find out soon because i'm going to be promoting this shit out of it on here um but anyway to prep for that we've been watching a lot of um 1920s comedy uh movies silent films um by a lot i mean we've watched one um and we're watching another one tonight just to kind of like prep for our act in it um and we watched uh a film from 1923 called uh safety last with harold lloyd and myrna davis and the first five minutes had me cackling it was so fucking funny and like the i mean the physical comedy is incredible but also the writing for a silent film is hilarious in this yeah because it's like you know there's only a couple cutaways to to written out dialogue but the the one-liners are so fucking funny

um i was really i was having such a good time time. It's been cool and like very inspirational to go back and look at that and see that like one, the comic has shifted a lot, but it's also very much the same. And that it's like, like life issues have not really changed in so many ways of like, it's really cool. Yeah. Very earnest, which shook me, but it's really fun. We had to watch that in film school and it was like one of my favorite things that we watched. So, yeah.

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