Review Revue - Horseback Riding Schools

Episode Date: July 11, 2023

Alf and Reilly protect the ranch and impress the likes of you.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm   Someone please make fan art of Secretariat and BeckySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Last night I had a dream where I got to be a host on your show.

Now that Jeffrey is just a ghost. But I awoke to find the child taken by a different Evan. Of all the possibilities for a new guy. Why'd you have to choose a name that's so close to mine? He and I are so alike. For instance, Alf. new guy Why'd you have to choose a name that's so close to mine? He and I are so alike For instance, Alf We don't have melanin in our skin When it comes to economics we think greed is a garden sin I know all about ya Alf, but if I start to

project Please tell me We both pooped our pants on a run in junior high Forget to text our friends cause we get too obsessed with our pastimes Dangerous hobbies are a pass, we'd never throw an axe Isn't that right? Alf and I basically now are co-hosts on this pod If he wants he can suggest me a brand new song for me to cover for a new theme. Just like Riley asked for this band, not this song like six months ago. That was awesome. That was a cover of Hypotheticals by Lake Street Dive from Evan.

Evan says, hey, folks, I was going to make a theme using Riley's bio, which was like many years outdated, but she went and updated it. So I thought I'd make one about our newest reviewer. Review, dude. Review? What do we call ourselves as a fandom? Who knows uh this one was genuinely inspired by a dream i had you're an amazing duo and i can't wait for each new episode

thank you so much evan so it's like you're actually not the only evan in my life alfred you're an alfred bardwell evans but this is evan so yours is the plural on the evans which is kind of it's like oh you're the extra whereas like evan is like the real deal does that make sense the main one the main one i wouldn't shock you to learn that's not the first time i've heard that that you're not the main evans yeah people um people kind of tell me that a lot actually oh i'm so sorry i didn't realize it's okay it's just like i think it's just because it's been so long since we recorded that it's like I forgot certain things about you. Yeah. I mean, I'll be really honest.

Yeah. Just to sort of peek behind the curtain for the listeners. We got on the call a minute ago and something happened that's just kind of like upset me. And it was that Riley looked at herself... No, whatever he's about to say. Whatever he's about to say did not happen. Riley looked at herself whatever he's about to say did not happen I can tell you for a fact

I can tell the way her eyes are angled I can tell she's staring at herself in the fucking zoom window and she goes she like kind of like puts her like hand under her chin and like slides it down her arm and goes I shit you not verbatim.

I got Riz now. It was a joke. I got Riz now. It was a joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. Alfred, this feels like the first time. I feel like the very first time.

We haven't recorded in five weeks with each other. Can you believe that? We're done with all the banked episodes, baby. We're here and we're live in the studio. Whatever you're listening to this on right now, we are recording it live. We are recording it live. It's happening

the second that you're playing it. Isn't that unbelievable? Isn't that amazing? I mean, it really is unbelievable. It is not to be believed.'s yeah this is a lie it's a huge lie how you doing yo bitch oh i uh i'm good um uh it's 90 something degrees here today um i famously record in a room that does not have air conditioning and has black blackout curtains. And has blackout curtains. So it's even more stifling. So it's sort of a little bit of a hot box situation. Yeah. But, you know, I'm okay with that.

I'm going to sweat it out. And I think that I might get so dehydrated I start to have visions. And I think that could be good for the show. That could be really good for improv, yeah. I might come up with some quirky ideas Okay let's get weird Wait let's make it weird

Let's make it weird Pete come in here Wait let's make it weird Mr. Holmes It is not that hot in here Okay where am I waking up On opposite day It is probably like in here. Okay, where am I waking up on opposite day?

It is probably like in the 70s. That's beautiful. Yeah, I mean, things are great. Again, a bang update. My curtain bangs have been trimmed. I have a new set of nails. I am back home. I was away for a while, and now I'm back.

I feel really good to be home. It sounds like a film noir. I was away for a while and now i'm back um you sound like i'm gonna be home it sounds like a like a film noir like i was away for a while for a while but i have well riz now i mean you have riz now we can say it well exactly it's like i when i left la rizless rless. I came back overflowing with Rizz. Some may say too much Rizz. I'll be honest. I got on the Zoom today. And you fell in love with me. And I fell in love with you all over again. No, and I was feeling like Sandy. You know?

I was feeling like Danny Zuko. Because my god, I thought I was looking at Rizzo. You know what I mean, guys? I thought I was looking at rizzo you know what i mean guys i thought i was looking at rizzo i felt like danny zuko looking at rizzo um who was your favorite pink lady oh god from the from the showtime show they made that nobody watched oh i didn't watch that of course you didn't nobody did but my favorite pink lady is friend was frenchie but now as i get older it's rizzo i think that's a i think that's an interesting arc um yeah what about you and it was paramount plus i i lied it wasn't

showtime it was paramount plus um which is really why no one watched it. Yeah, I think I might be opposite. I think I might have been a Rizzo as a younger man when I wore younger men's clothes. And now I think I'm a Frenchie. Now I'm sort of, that's where my fave, my heart lies, you know. Interesting, interesting arc. So, Alfred, but we're not here to talk about The Pink Ladies or The Rise of The Pink Ladies or paramount plus or riz we're here to talk about not riz but rains raining it in

we're talking about we were we were getting back up we're getting back in the saddle again after not recording for a little bit we're talking about why the long face? Ugly. You horse face looking bitch. Why the ugly face? Horse girl. Do you remember when there was like, I don't know what it was. We're talking about horseback riding schools. Like 2010 maybe. And everyone on the internet was obsessed with saying that Sarah Jessica Parker looked like a horse. Do you remember that?

It was really fucked up. Yeah, I do remember that. It's really fucked up. And also she doesn't. She doesn't like no i just want to say society do better culture um do better alfred have you ever gone to a horseback riding school or taken a lesson in the art of horseback riding. I am afraid of horses. Are you really? Not like, not like, I think it's, I think it's respect. One's under your bed?

I think it's, I think it's. As a kid, being scared to go to bed. Mommy, will you tuck me in? Of course, honey. What's up? I think there might be something under the bed. Can you check? Oh, honey, I already checked.

There are no monsters to be found. I can promise you that. Well, it's not like a monster per se. Well, talk about a Clydesdale. That's a monster of a horse. Is there a Clydesdale? Is there a Clydesdale under my bed I'm going as secretariat for Halloween

scariest thing I can imagine so is it like a fear in the way that it's like the ocean scary that it's like it's big and it can be dangerous and I respect it yes it is the size it's like every time I

picture a horse in my head and then i see a horse in real life it's bigger than i thought you know what i mean like i think if i picture horses in my head they're like dog sized and then i see one and then i see one in the flesh and i'm like when you picture a horse in your head, it's dog-sized? Yeah, like a big dog, you know, Scooby or something. But sometimes horses are like, they are a car. They are bigger than a car. Most times they are that.

Yeah, and that's so scary. We let those run around. No thank you. I still can't get over that it's like, you think that it's in your head that they're dog sized I just don't think they're that big and then I see one IRL they're big they're big creatures

they're not just big they're huge they're huge I think if I ever saw an elephant it might scare me to death I might have a heart attack right then and there because if I think an elephant is sort of a horse sized creature then what on earth I might have a heart attack right then and there. Because if I think an elephant is sort of a horse-sized creature, then what on earth?

I did see a giraffe at the zoo recently, and I was like, holy fuck, you're tall. I was like, wow. You don't understand, like, size reference. Not at all. Gotcha. But have you ever, so I'm going to guess no, the answer to have you been to a horse riding school or class is no.

Yes, I've ridden a horse before. And it was not, and it was, I think, I think what I. Is it scary? Fuck off. I think what I got out of riding a horse is similar to what I get out of like riding Space Mountain. Like, it's fun, but I'm so scared. I'm like, oh my my god this is so scary but the horses feel your fear

they feel it from your thighs and they buck me and they buck you hard have you ever ridden a pony? I have ridden a horse I went to a camp a summer camp, a day camp when I was a child and they had

you could ride horses there. It was like one of the activities and, um, I loved it. Yeah. I, I enjoy riding a horse because in my mind it's like, but there is a little bit of that fear because I'm like,

Ooh, I like walking on a horse and I like having a little trot, but it's, it's the, the thought of it just taking off and galloping, which I have been on a horse and it has done that before. It is very scary. And so it's less like I think it was like part of the horseback riding classes.

You it's like, you know, you're in a ring on this horse and like. They're like, now do this now, you know, it's like you can walk around a little bit or we can tell you how to you know write it well i'm trying i don't know the terms or anything story gets faker by the minute it's but it's like because i don't know the terms of like that you could just write around on it or they could like give you tips i'm like this is a term um yes trot canter um And it... I don't know. I think I feel like what I never... The experience I never had and never will.

But the books I loved growing up, like I loved The Saddle Club. I was never a horse girl. I never heard of it. You never heard of it? That's fine. It's about like a group of girls who each had a horse

and they all boarded their horses in the same place and they would go on adventures like riding in the trails with their horses. Big respect to those girls. Cause that sounds scary. Big respect. And I, I, it's like in my head, I also had like, I think a video game where I was at like a horseback riding Academy. Okay.

Again, I was not a horse girl. I was not a horse girl. I just love animals. And so it was like, when I think of horseback riding school, This is the most horse girl shit I ever heard in my life. When I think of horseback riding school, I think of like, like very, you know, you're in your riding pants and you have a crop. And it's like very fancy.

A lot of like black velvet, a lot of jawed purrs, a lot of riding boots. Like, I think it's fashion it's equine fashion I don't know if anything I said just made sense I've ridden horses, I've enjoyed riding the horses that I have I have respect for them

I get why they're scary they're big and they're powerful and they could fuck you up now I'm going to ask you a question. This is going to be controversial. Sure. Would you eat? Would I eat horse?

No, I would not eat horse. Okay. Controversial is what I'm saying. No, I think so. Are you going to ask me or should I just like? No, I think we should get into the reviews. You don't want to ask. I don't want to. You're scared of what I might say. I think we should get into the reviews. You don't want to ask. I don't want to ask. You're scared of what I might

say. I think you should start. Okay. This is a review coming from the... I think you're scared of horses because you had really bad food poisoning from eating horses. And that's why you're scared. It was so gamey. Okay. Let's see. Let's see.

Let's see. Ah. Ah. Okay. This one is from... Okay, let's see. Let's see. Let's see. Ah. Ah. Ah. Okay. This one is from... Um... Okay. Okay.

This one is from Black Kettle Ranch. And I think this one was in Nebraska. I can't remember. It's from Samantha K. Samantha Knowles. Samantha Knowles, one star. One star. I did not have a good experience at this barn in the end.

There is a mare out in the pasture that is extremely dangerous to anyone riding or on the ground this mare not only came after me and my horse while on the ground but in the saddle too on three different occasions i expressed my worry to tina and she advised me to quote carry a ri jesus christ daniel fix this thank you i expressed my worry to tina and she advised i expressed my worry i expressed my worry to tina and she advised me to quote carry a whip when i ride and to quote go after her as if i was going to kill her i expressed i don't and will not carry a whip when I am riding and feel as though that is not my responsibility. After the third time I gave my 30 day notice, Tina became very rude and made me extremely uncomfortable to even be at the barn. And she made me question whether she was even feeding my horses at this time.

And then what also makes this review incredible Oh my god. Clatter. is that Tina responds. Oh, thank god. I was hoping she would. And it's no text. It's just a link to a YouTube video,

which is a 20-minute YouTube video, which is a 20 minute YouTube video by a psychologist called Stop! Glossary of Narcissistic Personality Terms. Stop! So Tina is making a bold claim about... Samantha Knowles. Hahaha! bold claim about samantha knolls she doesn't even bother trying to refute anything and then i was scrolling through and she has posted a link to this youtube video on her basically every single negative review that

has been left on her business sorry is the same like narcissistic like narcissistic terms the same video that's like a glossary of narcissistic terms by Dr. Whatever oh my god that's I think my favorite response to any review just like not even

to bother to be like no this is fake she lied just back link watch the link if you want to watch the link you want to be informed go ahead if you don't you can't be fucked if you can't be fucked i don't give a shit because you're clearly a narcissist and everybody else who comes to my barn and says bad things about me is a narcissist so fuck you i mean there's so much it's like also just like the carry a whip when you ride

so that this feral horse sort of charges you and you're just supposed to go I gotta go at you like I'm gonna kill ya it's so crazy dude coming back in from from a ride

I don't know the terms coming back in from a ride into the barn just covered in sweat and tears and blood carrying the whip here girl Tina oh what's up what kind of do yous for

I uh I uh Sorry Drops the whip on the floor You look all sorts of shook up What's going on My My brother

And I was riding And he's there he's gone she took him she took him he's gone she took him and the whip didn't work Tina the whip didn't work and he's gone and he's gone and I'm here

where'd she take him to the horse the feral horse the mare the nightmare the nightmare the nightmare take the toke. The horse. The feral horse. The mare. The nightmare. The nightmare. Nightmare took him up. The nightmare. The nightmare took him and he's gone. And Tina, I don't know what to do

because you said the whip would work and the Tina, I, she looked at the whip. She smiled at me. Didn't know they could do that. She took the whip in her teeth. She whipped me across the face with it. Chucked it over to one side. That's my nightmare.

Tina, this is... You need to get him back. I don't know where she could have taken him. I didn't know horses had that instinct to like... You're making such a big deal out of this. Kidnap? She's probably just taking him back to the nest. Tina, horses don't have nests. Well, nightmare does let's go to let's go

to the nest and see if we can get your brother i'm not going there you need to go get him i am i can't get him i can't get him not by myself you can't get him i'll have to answer i'm gonna have to answer a question in order to get your brother back that only you would know the answer to is she like a troll i don't understand no don't look questioningly no no i mean it's an interesting question i've never really i've never really examined the kind of uh i guess the yeah the mythological she's certainly supernatural she's not of this world i wouldn't i think troll is maybe not the right uh kind of right kind of creature i think somewhere between pegasus uh sort of a pegasus sphinx kind

of situation she's a real good girl i forget to know her let's go get it uh let's take another whip with us let's take a bigger one this time no i don't want to carry it i don't want to carry it i'll go this is the this is the only way i can get my brother back then it's the only way but my god tina when this is done when we when he back home, you are going to be receiving hellfire on Yelp, on TripAdvisor, from lawyers, the big three. Yelp, TripAdvisor, and my lawyers. You don't even understand and exactly that's scary. So come on now, let's get on. Let me saddle up old Rosie.

Come on now, Rosie. Biggest horse you've ever seen. 14 foot tall. Who am I going to take? You're going to be in the sidecar. Rosie has just, like, a motorcycle sidecar. Like, bungee corded. That's her.

Come on now, hop up in there. And this is safe? You promise this is safe? Oh, well. It's not gonna spook her? No, nothing's gonna spook her. She's made of stronger metal than you are, that's for damn sure. Come on now. Here goes. He looks at Rosie.

And he just see flames. Her eyes are the size of a dinner plate. She's huge. It's like looking a sperm whale in the eye. Come on now, Rosie. Let's get on out of here. There you go. There you go. Cut to nightmare's nest.

Okay, now when we get up there, I need you to behave yourself, okay? Behave myself? You seem, you have a very threatening. She tried to kill me. You have a very threatening energy. You came out here. Well, I don't know how I'm going to behave myself. I don't know if my brother is alive or dead.

Oh, he's alive. You're being dramatic. He is alive. She doesn't kill him. She just likes to't know how I'm going to behave myself. I don't know if my brother is alive or dead. Oh, he's alive. You're being dramatic. He is alive. She doesn't kill him. She just likes to, you know, bring him in the nest. What does that mean? She needs him for her rituals and whatnot. I don't know the specifics.

I don't ask. Okay. What kind of working relationship do you have with this horse? That's a great question. Well, what kind of work? I think I like to think of it as sort of like maybe like a Nancy Pelosi Got it.

Let's just go with it. It's a mutual respect. We're on the same side, but we don't necessarily talk every day. You know what I mean? On the same side. Right, right. What does that mean? Well well we're protecting the ranch my brother's not a danger my brother and i were just here to ride and have a good time well i

think you know if nightmare sort of sent something rotting about him then i don't know if we're in the position just right yet so we've heard her side to say whether or not your brother is in fact quote-unquote not dangerous you know what i mean if nightmare she's got pretty good radar for that sort of thing so let's get on up there and see what she's gonna do about it there's a shy like comically giant like eagle's nest. And the brother, it just looks like a raisin, like a tiny, the size of a raisin in this giant,

giant nest. We're like standing on the rim. Nightmare's nowhere to be seen. Oh my god. Adam! Adam, oh my god. Calm down. We need to go get him! No, no, no, that's the last thing we're gonna do. Okay?

Adam! Adam, are you okay? What? Just because she's not in the nest does not mean she is not around, okay? From here on out, you're gonna need to follow my lead very closely. Okay. All right.

Also, she's the size of a regular horse. I don't know why she needs a nest this big. Well, now that you're asking another interesting question, I never really thought about the specifics of the size of her nest. No, it wasn't a question. I'm just curious. I guess maybe it's for her brood? We just feel like a thundering under our feet.

We have to get him. We have to get him and go. We have to get him and go now. Very quiet. Very quiet. We gotta be very quiet. Very, very quiet. No coughing. Very quiet.

I'm sorry. Are you allergic to horses? Like, barely, but it's- You should have taken the claritin. Goddammit, I have claritin in the barn. Okay, it's fine. I'm not taking anything from you. I am not taking anything that you have to offer ever again. Oh my god, you are so dramatic. I can see why Nightmare didn't want to-

Sorry! Oh my god. Don't move, don't move, don't move, don't move. Ah! Oh my god. Don't move, don't move, don't move, don't move. Suddenly the rumbling, the ground. From the bottom of the nest. A hundred of the smallest horses you've ever seen. Like little baby spiders. Crawling all at him, screaming. like little baby spiders crawling all Adam screaming oh my god

alright alright we're gonna go get him alright we're gonna go get him alright and you just feel this presence of a regular sized horse come up behind you how howdy nightmare I'm up behind you. Howdy. Howdy, nightmare.

Howdy, Tina. Long time no see, huh? You've respected my wishes by not coming around these parts, Tina, and I respect you for that. I do like a horse bow. I do a human bow. I do a human bow. What are you doing showing her respect? This, this, this Do you want your damn brother back or not? Oh, she

won't be getting her brother back, Tina. Now nightmare, now nightmare. Let us be reasonable. Alrighty. These two are a danger to the farm tina and you and i have known each other as long as we have both been alive that's true yeah and you know what the fuck and so you know that i would never do anything to hurt you and you know that i would do everything to protect you don't know that tina i put a horse around your arm tina i love you oh nightmare me and my whole brood now i was just being

ripped apart me and my whole brood we would never do anything to hurt you nightmare look i love you and you know your whole every little last one of those little broodlings is like it's like a daughter or a daughter you know they're all my daughter they're all my girls they're all your little nightmares and i and i love them to death but i have to say i think you might have got it. These two look as stupid as the day is long. They are terrified of you. I do not know. You should have seen this one. Try to get me with the whip.

She had no idea. She was taking. She tried to hit me with the butt of the whip. She was taking the front end. That's what I'm. That's. Yeah. She was swinging around her head.

Yeah. Like some sort of mace. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Well, I didn't know I was pan Yeah. Like some sort of mace. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I didn't know I was panicked, and she tried to kill me. Oh, stop it. You're only making yourself look stupid. You're only making yourself look stupid.

No, but look, nightmare. Look, nightmare. Look, I have to say. The sister, Kate, is being dragged away by all the mini brood as well. It's all right, Kate. It's all right now. It's all right, Kate. It's all right.

Now just go with the flow. All right. They're both just being picked apart by the little horses. Now let's get real here. Now it's just the twos of us. Yeah. They're dead, ain't they? Oh, God.

They're as dead as doornails, Tina. There's no way we're getting them back from the brood now. Tina, absolutely not. Once they taste blood, once they get the taste of blood, you know those little girls. So I guess... If I know anything, I know my little girls. Look, this is going to be an issue. Are you upset?

Are you upset with me? No, I'm not upset. I could never be upset with you. No, little ones, settle down. Oh, they're happy. They're happy. No, those are happy noises. Oh, who's a good little broodler?

Yeah. No, but I do fear that this will be an issue for the property because, well, someone's going to come looking for these two uh be it federal agents i don't think so you really think so you think they you think they really ain't got nobody on the outside gonna come get them i think they they're brother and sister they really love their they i think that they're each other's only friends in the world. I mean, shit, I hope so. Yeah, I guess from now on, I guess you're going to have to pay me back somehow.

Oh, you think you're telling me what to do? No, nightmare, come on now. All the broodlings like snap. No, no, no, little ones, little ones, little ones. You think after all this time, no, no. Little ones. Little ones. Little man, little ones. I'm not. I wouldn't. No, no, no. After all this time, Tina, that you're going to tell me what to do. Nightmare, look, we were born on the same day. In the same way. On the same day, same way.

And so we are inextricably linked. And I think that you know that I'm pure of heart. That I got a good soul and that I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. But I gotta look out for me and mine, nightmare.

And you did just kill two paid customers of mine. Arguably in cold blood blood so I am gonna need just a little bit of recompense a little bit of restitution a little bit of payback for that money is that what you want I mean if money's going yeah um well i don't have human money i don't live and die by that currency but i can give you 30 of my broodlings to to run around with the little ones on the farm how about that oh i mean that would be sweet as apple pie. Cut to like a bunch of kids in like a petting zoo.

Meow. All righty. No, open palms now. Open palms now, girls. You don't want to lose a finger. All righty. Open palms when you feed the broodling. She becomes the richest person in all of Colorado.

I love starting off with a normal one. I love starting off with a normal one. What if we did only normal improv? What if we did only normal improv? Mystical bloodlust horse. Mythical bloodlust horse with a nest. With a nest full of tiny spider horses. Let's take a break.

Let's take a break or something. Welcome back, birders. It's a birding podcast now. Riley, tell me about a bird you saw this week. A bird I saw this week. I saw, I saw, I saw, I saw, I saw. I don't think I've seen any birds this week. That's that city life.

LA, girl, you gotta get out of there. I'm literally just looking out some window. Not even like a little finch to be found. I saw a seagull yesterday Congratulations Thank you Why don't you go ahead and read a review Okay This is for

Far West Farms In Calabasas, California Okay This is a five star review From Melissa D Don't say Melissa D's five star review from Melissa D. Don't say Melissa D's nuts. Don't say Melissa D's nuts. Don't say Melissa D's nuts.

Melissa. Don't think about it. Delevingne. She's related to Cara Delevingne. Five stars. Melissa Delevingne. This is probably my favorite place to be on the weekends their horses are not only well kept and beautiful but they're very socialized and friendly it's the

place for riding whether you're a beginner or advanced they offer basic horsemanship classes which i highly recommend if you're just starting out this helps with building a relationship with your horse which will transfer to the saddle and improve your overall riding. I love the environment here. I always feel at home when I come for my lessons. I know it's like a real term, but horsemanship...

Horsemanship. ...bumps every time for me. Horsemanship. I, when I tell you, I had to read that back. And again, I am ignorant in the ways of horses and horsemanship, apparently. But I'm dying to know what that looks like and what that means. And I guess what it feels like. I love that it transfers to the saddle.

I'm picturing it as like an etiquette class. On how to be a gentleman. But horses. It's a horse cotillion. Alrighty, children. Now, please pick up your dessert spoon with your left hoof. One of the horses picks it up with their teeth. No!

All the other horses laughing. What? Becky. I don't understand. Becky. I was trying to do my best. I said left hoof, did I not? Becky is such an idiot. She doesn't even know how to pick things up with her hub

Stop it, stop it I'm just as bright as the rest of you Girls, girls Leave Becky alone She may have been raised in a barn All of them laughing, laughing, laughing But that doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve an opportunity To learn proper ladylike horsewomanship.

You don't have to protect me like that, sir. I'll get it, I promise. All right. Once again, from the top, ladies. To the end of words. Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word? Yes, of course. Step into my horse office. It's just a stable. A really nice stable.

Diplomas on the wall. Mr. Appleshire, I just wanted to apologise. I'm doing my best, I really am, but I wasn't raised in fancy boarding schools and fancy riding clubs like most of these ladies here and I just wanted to let you know that I'm trying my best but I don't know if I'm cut out for real horsemanship and life as a horse lady. Becky! Never talk about yourself like that.

Would you believe me if I told you that long ago there was a little pony, just barely a babe, born in a pretty rough stable himself, who... Are you talking about my dad? No, Becky. Barely a babe. Born in a pretty rough stable himself. Who? Are you talking about my dad? No, Becky. I'm talking about your horsewomanship teacher. Mr. Apple. Mr. Appleshire, you're telling me that you grew up in a stinky old barn just like me?

Mr. Appleshire, he grew up in the stinkiest barn in all... You don't have to talk about yourself in third person anymore. I know the stories about you. You're right. I grew up in the stinkiest, most rancid barn in all of London town. But thanks to the teachings of my forefather gestures to a horse portrait on the wall Mr. Applebottom

Jeans I learned a thing or two and now I choose to impart that wisdom unto you But Mr. Appleshire,

I'm not sure if I... I kind of like kicked a little duster with my hoof. I'm not sure if I deserve it. Becky, you deserve the world. The other mares are laughing

at me, they are. You heard them in class. Becky's so thick, she doesn't even know how to use a hoof instead of a mouth. You heard them, sir. I can't show my bloody face, my long face in there ever again. Becky. Those young ladies wouldn't know the true meaning of horsemanship if it bit them on the ramp. Mr. Harper!

I'm sorry, but it bears saying that you taking their derision and still choosing to learn proper horse etiquette shows more strength of character than those girls have ever shown. I am going to make it my personal mission to make you the most eligible young horse maiden in all the county. Oh, Mr. Appleshire, you'll be hard-pressed to find me as an eligible horse lady. Uh, I think we can make it work. Cut to a monot- Monetize? Monetize, it adds every 30 seconds.

Cut to a montage of her being trained to be actually the best horse lady that the county has to offer. Learning to eat with the proper hooves that the county has to offer. Learning to eat with the proper hooves. She can dance standing on her back feet like a human would. Getting like a full blowout on the main full makeover. Mr. Appleshear's doing the blowout. He's holding

scissors. It's really normal stuff. The rain in space is mainly in the plane. She's getting it. Everything's going great. She's getting it. There's a ball. There's a big ball. It's the night of the biggest ball

in all of the county. Any horse who's any horse is there. You go get him, champ. Remember everything I've taught you. I kind of give a little nod. Remember everything I've taught you. I kind of give like a little nod. I'm very demure now.

Now, I can't go in there with you, but I believe you will do great things. I kind of give you a questioning look. Like, why? Why can't you come? Because, my dear, I'm old. My time is up. You were my last great masterpiece. And now it's time for me to retire. Both literally and figuratively. Gives you a big horse hug. On the back of standing up Embracing each other

Goodbye Becky I believe in you Thank you And now presenting Miss Becky Applesnap The first All the horses turn

And you see some of the girls from the horsemanship. Oh, yeah, Becky. Oh, cool. They let her in here. Shouldn't she be at the petting zoo? Good one, Grendelyn. Good one. I've been working on that for weeks.

Very funny. Very funny. Doors open. Door's open. Becky's standing there on her back hooves. Everyone's immediately shocked because she did not know how to do that before. She kept standing on her front hooves. Doing the handstand.

She was obsessed with handstands. But now she's on her back hips. She's in a beautiful form-fitting gown. Her mane is piled up with like a chignon bun on her head. And she has like a cigarette holder with a carrot in it. The most handsome horse in the whole place. Duke. Duke Apple Stallion walks up to her.

Enchanté, mademoiselle. I don't believe I've seen you around the watering hole before. Oh, you're Duke Appleallion, are you not? Oh my, what a refined accent you have. Where did you go to school? Horse eaten? If I can be perfectly

honest, Mr. Duke, I would never be caught dead at a school like that. And I've seen you around the watering hole, but before I learned how to walk on my hind hooves and put my hair up right, you never took a second glance at me. And so if you can't accept me at my most normal,

you don't deserve me at where I am today. Oh, my. I do apologize, miss, if I ever came across as stuck up. It was never my intention to snub such a gorgeous mare as yourself. The other horses come up to her. Oh, Duke, oh darling, don't tell me that you've taken a fault in Mr. Becky. Did you know that she was raised in a barn?

Can you believe it? In a barn, you say? Oh, now I've heard everything. I knew it. I knew you were all fake. But I didn't come here to impress the likes of you. She's Princess Diana mixed with Audrey Hepburn. I didn't come here to...

She's kind of like doing the look up and down like Princess Di. I didn't come here to impress the likes of you. I came here because I needed to impress myself. So if you'll excuse me, everyone, I must do my rounds and then I'll be on my way. You won't be seeing these gorgeous hooves ever again because I'm off. Where are you going? Who knows?

Spain? Portugal, maybe. But whatever it is, I won't be here long. Later in the party, she's on the balcony having a cigarette. Just a carrot that's on fire. Pardon me, Miss. Can I get you another thing

to drink, maybe? Oh, that would be wonderful. What is your name again? Oh, you don't care what a lowly stable boy like. Oh, no. It's a human. It's a stable. is your name again oh you don't care what a lonely stable boy like oh no i'm just you don't care what a lonely stable boy like me has to say you're the most gorgeous horse i've ever seen oh no don't say that no what is your name i do care to know it. Oh, well, if you must know, my name is Secretariat. Secretariat, that's a beautiful name.

Before, I like lifted your chin up with my front paw. What a beautiful man, a beautiful man indeed. Now, Secretariat, I'd love some water with a sprinkling of hay in it, as if it had just come from the trough. Can you make that happen for me? Absolutely. One hay water coming up. And, Secretariat, before you go, an older horse once gave me some beautiful, life-changing advice.

Believe in yourself, Secretariat. And the rest will follow after months of hard training. Can I tell you something? Anything. Something I've never told anyone, nor horse nor man. My greatest dream in this life is... Well, it sounds stupid. I can't even say it. No, Secretary, you can tell me anything.

We shall be the best of friends from this day forward. Well, I know I'm just a lowly stable boy, but my greatest dream in life is to win the Triple Crown. I want to be the fastest horse that anybody has ever seen. Do you think I can do that, miss? Like I said, if I can be here, standing on my hind legs, wearing a dress, in a bun, smoking carrot, then you can do anything, Secretariat. Thank you. I'll never forget you. Cut to the Kentucky Derby.

It's a paddock full of horses and a human man running on all fours. And Secretaria rounds the corner. We've never seen a human man run like this. 40 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour. Oh my God, he's lapping the other horses. Ladies and gentlemen secretaria becomes the first human man to ever win the triple crown two normal ones two normal ones they just did sitting in a box at the derby with a big hat. She's like,

I knew he could do it. He's next to her. My god, I think the boy's done it. He's reverted to his old accent. In his old age. That was a beautiful celebration. I had a little mint julep. I wore a hat.

I bet everything and I won big. You're in a different house. I live in biggest house in America now. Oh. Alf, do you want to round us off with one last review? I do. I just burped. That's Lady Applecrisp would never do such a thing.

Mrs. Blueberrybottom. This is for... Mr. Applebottomjeans. Mr. Applebottomjeans. Boots with the fur. This is from Equestrian Quest Stables in, I think, Kissimmee, Florida. And this is from...

From your mum. Craig S. Craig? Craig? Craig... Excuse me. Daniel, cut that out. Craig... excuse me daniel cut that out craig craig i'm trying to think of what's a horse term with an s craig stallion stable jesus christ craig stallion which very much sounds like an adult film star. I'm Craig Stallion. I'm walking here. One star from Craig Stallion.

Three lessons, three different instructors, and the third time was certainly not the charm. The first instructor was traveling for shows too often to hold consistent weekly lessons. The second mysteriously vanished from the stable. I'm sure there was some drama there, but did not ask. And the third was Alex. After Alex, I will never return. He freely admitted that he did not care about human emotions. So, I dare say, I was warned.

But he was rude to the point of verbal abuse. He kept shouting nonsensical commands, and when I asked what they meant, he yelled at me to stop asking questions. He was constantly quoting obscure equestrian texts to prove his intellect. Very impressive. And clearly thought he was too good to be there. He told me I needed five more hours just to take another lesson with him but then when i asked how to get those hours if he would not teach me he replied i don't know read a book or something listen tamra i don't understand why you had to call me and the kid into the office we were just having a good time out in the stables and

i was just trying to teach him a thing or two. So if this meeting and air quotes like really big if this meeting is over I think we can all just go take a chill. Now Alex you are one of our to date best instructors and

I have a high opinion of you and that's why I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here. Thank you. So can we go? I just need to hear your side of the story, okay? I've heard Damien's side of the story, and I want to hear your side of the story. I really appreciate that, Tamara. Because you know what? I adore you.

And I think that, you know, even though you are 53, you are still beautiful. How do you know my age? And also disgusting. Listen, I was out in the stables with Damien. He wanted to start petting the horses immediately. And I said, no, brother, you can't just go up to them and smack your hand on their face. How about you read a book or something? And he weirdly took offense to that when all I'm trying to do is promote horse literacy. And so, you know, I was this morning, actually, in fact, I was sitting

at home drinking my coffee and I was out on my porch and I was reading the equine way. We all have read it. And I was reading the equine way. And it reminded me there was one passage. Oh, my God, Tamara. It actually reminded me a lot of you because I have so much respect for you. The text said, do unto the horse what your neighbor shall do unto you in your time of need. Take the reins, ride it hard. Alex. I'm not done. Tamara, you know the best part of the passage. Take the reins, ride it hard, but don't forget who you are.

Yes. We all know the quote. we all know the quote we all know the quote i've done the equine way uh and the equestrians way uh three times each i i am very familiar with the text and and i've always appreciated about you how familiar you are with you know the kind of source material the real the real you know the real theory behind what we do here but um thank you i do have to quibble with one thing um which is that your version of events does not really line up with what damien has told me well tamra perception is reality and so it's like i can't i can't tell damien what his experience was all i can say is if he picked up an equine text once

in a while maybe he would have a better understanding of what it is we do here right right no and i and again i totally appreciate your emphasis on theory theory is important i think we can all agree none of us would be where we are if we weren't reading extensive and so that's that actually reminds me of another passage from the no alex no it's exactly what you're saying of like none of us would be here because actually you know i have it on my phone really quick i don't even need it i know by heart what am i saying we wouldn't be here without the guide of a gallop the wisp of a mane the smile of a horse and at the end of the day tamra that is exactly what i'm trying to tell him is like if we don't have respect for the smile of a horse for the wisp of a mane from the the movement of a gallop that i don't

honestly i don't think he should be allowed on the grounds tamra and i know you know it too no i don't know it alex and in fact i'm starting to get pretty po'd with you right now because i just really feel like you're not listening that reminds me of another quote actually okay alex when humans have anger the horses weep they ride through the fields without a saddle without a care without a rain to rein them in to rein in the feelings of the mothers and the fathers the mares and the foals the stallions all working as one canter okay how about how about this? How about this, Alex? How about I read you this, huh? This is one of my favorite passages.

I can't wait. You have amazing taste. When sickness starts to spread throughout the stable, sometimes a call is the best you can do. Are you familiar with that? I'll admit that is one i am not as familiar with that's interesting alex because that's actually from leviticus leviticus okay and it's an interesting that's what i'm working my way through right now interesting point that you're not spending your focus there.

Because look at Damien right now. Look at him. Damien's like 12. He's 12. He has the comically largest bandage across his forehead. Your story did not do much to explain the head wound, Alex. Oh, you'd like me to explain the head wound, Tamara? I would.

I think that's sort of the elephant in the room. Great, I don't need my words because I can use horse Deuteronomy. And in horse Deuteronomy, if you know your scripture well, Tamara, you know that in horse Deuteronomy, it says, Let he who lay hands upon an equine beast be met with with the force. Of the mares of the past. So I don't think. You need any more explanation. Did you hit the kid with a book? Yes or no?

I met him with the force. Of the mares of the past. Does that mean you hit the kid with a book? Yes or no? I guess technically. What I had to do with the book. Was hit him with the force of the mirrors of the past.

Alex, what I tried to do here today, if you're familiar with horse, uh, skimble shanks, the scripture tells us that every horse or trainer has the right to face his accuser uh in a court of law and so i was giving you and damien the opportunity to look each other in the eye and and try and come up with some resolution on this and uh i'm sorry to say alex but i have found you nothing but uh defensive evasive effusive uh and well if i do say so kind of a tool um and i'm inclined to side with damien on this and so um we're gonna let you go um you hit a kid in the head with a book i'm so hard with the mayors of the past sorry that's what i did sorry for following the scripture sorry for following the texts sorry for doing the exact thing that you hired me to do which is to instill equine

theory into all of those who request it we hired you to clean the stables alex please leave and do not come back. And no, no, I don't want another quote. I really don't. Damien, do you want another quote? Triggs is out. No. All right.

If I can leave you with one thing. Jesus Christ. From dust, we came. And to dust we shall return, unless the dust is on the saddle of the stallion that rode you into this world, that birthed you from nothing to man who rides with the beast, and henceforth must ride into the soil where they remain I'm taking the horse you can't

I'm taking the horse fine you he's ruined anyway you've corrupted him with your violent rhetoric that horse has been causing nothing but problems since you showed up. So honestly, you're doing me a favor.

I was going to put him down. So. I guess. This is goodbye. You're welcome. I never said thank you. Chops off. you're welcome I never said thank you trots off um

thank you for handling that mister um if I could just say one thing before you go um Alex trots back really loud voice on the kid

yes um I Trots back, really loud voice on the kid. Yes? Um, I... I know I fucked up. I know I didn't do good in class today. And I know why you threw the book at me. Um, but... When I was a kid, I guess I still am a kid, they used to teach us something called the golden coo,

coo, coo, which was do unto other horses as you would have those horses do unto you. And so, Alex, this is for you. Grabs a book, the heaviest book on the shelf, curls it in his hand, knocks him out. Knocks him cold. Okay, I'm going to go home now. Bye. Sorry, that was just a lot of theory to take in. Do we want to do our last segment? Or do we want to spin on some more theory? Sit in the theory.

I mean, I know that we were in character a lot in that, but I was wondering if you could share, like as Riley and Alfred, if we could share our favorite passage from Horse Scripture. From Horse Scripture, I think my favorite passage would have to be let he who cast the first stone end up in a petting zoo. That's beautiful.

Thank you. I think mine is probably the prayer of St. Come on. Think of it. Think of the joke. Think of the joke. The prayer of St. Francis.

Land the plane. Francis. Francis. What's something that's horse related that rhymes with francis it sounds like francis francis yes okay i think mine is probably the prayer of saint francis sorry i really thought you were going to say the prayer of St. Francis. I don't remember the prayer of St. Francis, so I can't.

That's the St. Francis of Assisi. He was the animal one, so that actually tracks. Yes, I know. Thank you. It's a very smart joke I made. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Riley made a smart joke.

Riley made a smart joke of the Catholic saint of like animals and whatever. Stop yelling. My what's what's been shaking me. Thank God you asked last night. OK, so while I was away, I was not playing Mario Kart because I left my Switch at home with Daniel. So I haven't been able to play Mario Kart or Zelda, uh, to the kingdom and which is fine. But while I've been gone, a lot of my friends here in LA, including like

Daniel and our friends have basically been playing Mario Kart like every night and like a group, like they all get online and play together and hop on like a big group, like phone call. And it's very fun. So I've been doing that the past couple of nights before I left. And since I've been back i i always have been i i pride myself on being a pretty good mario kart player i will always use it with our friends ed up at least in like the top four and our friends are very very good i last night got my ass handed to me and i am a little fun fact about me. I don't know if you can tell. I am such a sore loser and I don't like that about myself, but I am. I, it is like, I, I am such a sore loser,

but only with things that I know that I am good at or have been good at. So it's like, I'm not, I'm not an athletic person. So it's like sports. It's like, I'm fine. If I lose, it's more fun because it's like, I don't expect to win anyway something like mario kart that i know that i'm pretty good at when i lose i get pissed at myself i'm not mad at anybody else i'm mad at myself and so last night just like we played i think like 12 races i wanted to leap out of the building. Um, it was awful. It was awful. Can I ask? Yeah.

Oh, you were about to answer my question. I was going to say, were you changing it up? Were you like, okay. No. Yoshi's not working. Different car, different car. No, no, no, no, no. It's because, it's because like, it's like I play as Yoshi on a sport bike with slick wheels.

And I like, that has always done right by me. But I guess like they were, you know, the logic of me losing out, they're like, well, Riley, we've been playing every night for the past three months and you haven't played at all. And I'm like, that doesn't count. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have I shouldn't need three months of daily practice. And they're like, no, that's literally why you're that why we're a lot better than you now and i'm like no that's just because i'm bad i'm a bad person i'm a bad person it directly ties to my worth and literally last night this is gonna be your what shook me isn't it i'm like yes so that's been what's shaking me and i literally we played for so long last night it was so hard for me to wake up this morning to record because and I stayed up later to practice on the courses that I didn't do well on.

But when I play against the CPU, I play on 150 CC with hard CPU. I got first in every race. It's just against our friends who are so good. I guess I'm really out of the Mario Kart game. cart game i haven't played mario kart on a regular basis or even semi-regular basis since the wii since okay since the days of the wii um is it that is there that much room for skill i mean maybe that's a lot of its chaos isn't it just about like who gets the power up isn't there kind of a real element they now know the there is a bit of an element of chance there's also they know the shortcuts that i don't know

as well um so it's a mix of both it's a mix of both anyway i won't go on too much longer about it but uh i hope that the next time um i play which will probably be tonight actually is that i have something more to say should I buy a switch? you should absolutely get a switch we got it at the beginning of the pandemic and it's the best purchase I ever made everybody sound off in the discord about whether or not I should buy a switch 100% get a switch

Alfred it'll change your life what's been shaking you bitch? come on don't don't swear um what's been shaking me i watched a documentary uh okay he's a scholar he's a scholar he's a gentleman and a scholar he's a gentle horse jesus christ i watched a documentary um it's on, I think it's on HBO. Or, sorry, it's on Max. Thank you, and thank you. Max Verstappen.

He's a Formula One driver. And it's called Class Action Park is the name of the documentary. It's about an amusement park that operated in North Jersey in the in the like 80s and 90s where basically the guy who ran it was like kind of an ex ponzi scheme kind of like shady wall street character and the like scc was like you can't work on wall street anymore you're we're gonna send you to dale if jail if you keep doing stuff and so he started this insane uh like water park in north jersey where it's like one of the first rides they come up with was like a water slide that did like a full loop oh my god people got so badly injured so frequently sure and it was like all of the staff were like teenagers

like it was and it's insane and it's really really really funny and also really really sad and scary and it's just like a very poignant documentary about like that period of like you know like people who were teenagers in the 80s

and 90s you know what i mean that like true like gen x kind of uh old millennial young gen x kind of generation and uh chris gethard who i'm a huge chris gethard head he's one of the like talking heads in the documentary because he used to go there as a kid oh my god and there's a couple other like comedians and like celebrities and things who like used to go there as kids who like talk about the experience in the documentary and just anyway it's just like a really good documentary in it and it sounds really cool and it's like i think it handles the kind of like the weird like it's funny and it's crazy and it's also really sad and kind of scary and i think they

walk the line really well so that's what shook me have to recommend it it was very good I love it um well you can find Alfred on Instagram at Alfred in it you can find the show on Instagram at review review on reddit r slash review review and we have a discord review review discord baby

and and and you can find Riley on twitter.com for as long as it lasts which is probably probably at this point doesn't really exist

maybe on blue sky I don't know at Riley Coyote and on instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and spot and as we say every week even though we've taken like a chunk of time off recording we do still say this every week see you next time bye that was a hit gum original