Review Revue - Hotel Spas

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Hotel Spas and discuss getting flattened, "earning it," and getting into your dream school.Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. My name is Knogsbert Mouthfeel. And I'm going to restaurants for a limited time. My name is Nogspur Mouthfeel.

And I'm going to sing you a song. So this is Nog. So this is Nog. So this is what makes life divine. I'm on the globe with cholesterol. The key to five stars is love. My heart has clots and i feel shy i'll touch all five stars in the sky so this is the podcast that I've been dreaming of.

Mm. Mm. So this is Nog. That was so beautiful. This really is Nog. Did you like it? You're crying. It was amazing.

I mean, like, why aren't you crying? What the fuck is wrong with you? She said, is this Nog? Yeah. That's a thick dairy beverage. An egg-based paste. That's exactly right. I know.

I mean, I just feel like they channeled nogs really, really expertly. And it was really moving. Yeah, it was an amazing song. I'm not on the verge of tears. What is wrong with you? You think I'm heartless? Yes! Wait, okay, so that was unbelievable.

That's my favorite theme song we've gotten so far. It was beautifully sung. I kind of want to get married. What? Like, that kind of music. To the musician? Robin? Or to the song?

To Robin? I would. To Robin? Yeah, I mean, if she'll have me. Or to, like, you want to get married, like, and have that song play at your wedding. Ideally either. Ideally both. Ideally both?

Ideally both. That was gorgeous. That was, like, amazing. Can you fill me in on, is that a musical theater reference? Like, is that a song? It is. Hold on. So, it's, the original lyrics are, so this is love, so this is um it's it hold on so it's the original excerpt so this is love

so this is love hold on so this is love uh what is it originally from from cinderella what say pippin i said cinderella i think you said you said something crazy i think you said pippin cinderella for sure um uh that was incredible yeah that is 10 out of 10 this has to have been uh a reaction to you asking soliciting more musical theater parodies so this is nog also a great nox for mouthfeel voice i want to like when i during my nuptials i want to walk down the aisle to that song that is like when everyone stands up they're like oh here she is here she comes so this is not she also wanted us to shout out but just before we move on uh at robin underscore makes on

instagram uh where you can find her and her illustration work. Robin makes Jeffrey. What are we doing? What are we doing? I mean, like, look at us. We're talking about eggnog in June. A friend of mine recently was like, so like what,

how's, how's your work day? And I, and I sent them a screenshot of, uh, what I was working on, which was trying to find a lathering lotion sound effect for the Nair episode. So what are we doing?

Because that's work. What the fuck are we actually doing? That's like what we do for work. I did love the sound effect of the cell door closing in the Monopoly episode. That was really good. Oh, yeah. It's June today.

It's June 1st when this will come out. June 1st, yeah. In two days from this release day. Your birthday. I'll be 25 years old. Correct. You can rent a car without any insurance. That's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. Well, like turning 25, like that's all that matters. I'm not even thinking about how like from the second I turn 25, I'll be closer to 30 than I am to 20. Jesus. And I will only be thinking about cars. Cars? Renting a car.

Okay. I guess that's all there is to it. That's all there is to your birthday or to life itself? One and the same. God, that's so telling. Your birthday is life itself to you. I mean, of course. Not of course.

Well, not every birthday. Just like nothing else matters except my 25th birthday. Right. No, that's what I was worried about. Got it. Because this, okay. So because we recorded three episodes in two days, so this will come out in a couple of weeks.

What do you think these past two weeks will have been like for you? Oh my God. They're going to have been revelatory. They're going to have- Really? Yeah. Holy shit. Okay. Can you speak to that a little bit more? you oh my god they're gonna have been revelatory they're gonna have really yeah holy shit okay

yeah can you speak to that a little bit more it's gonna i'm gonna learn everything that i needed to know about myself to be fixed yeah that's amazing i can't wait to check in on this day and you did say whoa that's amazing before i finished my thought so like no and it's actually no i didn't and um uh what about you you will have traveled a little bit i will have traveled i will be living out my last days as a 24 year old i think in this time i will like because once you're like once you're 25 you're a fucking adult you're over the hill you're on your way down over the hill is 40 but yeah no it's it 25 is the new 40 and no one's saying that i'm so sorry but nobody's saying that so basically in these next two weeks i need to do everything that i wanted to do as a kid

and then that will be what are some just name two examples like what are two things that you wanted to do as a kid as a kid before you got over the hill to use your words oh my god i want to just like make mistakes i just so big it's so big i said name two specific things i want to spill some milk and i'll cry about it and other than that i guess like the most specific thing is like I want to eat enough Dippin' Dots that I'm actually pretty fine about until I just projectile exorcist vomit somewhere. That feels like a really kid thing to do. So both of your things are dairy related, mostly in terms of spilling them, whether out of your own gut or just onto the table. And that's being a kid to you. And that's, well, well 24 that's so doable and so dairy um

that's so dairy but it's the milk that i can eat then it turns into a cheese. Yeah. Yep, that's cheese. Pointing to yogurt. Yep, that's cheese. Turns it off on the TV in the executive's room. Well, what do you guys think of the proof of concept? Yum. Leaning to yogurt. Yup, that's cheese.

Oh my God. With like the kind of like wink and like. Really sassy and leaning on like the title card. It's like. Are we in an inside joke with you? Like, do you know that that's yogurt?

Or do you really think that's cheese? Because it is the pilot and there isn't a cold open. So this is the first thing that they're seeing in the series. Well, yeah, it's part of the season arc. It's going to end up, by the end of the first season,

we'll get it. If that. We'll get what? That will be cheese or you will understand that it's not so you'll you'll understand that raven knows that it's yogurt and so that's the kind of main season one arc and honestly probably her character arc throughout the entire series um we'll buy it i don't know we need some more content honestly this is fine we've been kind of like not working that hard so this is the only pitch we have this week and we'll buy it i know we just had some laughs right now and like a lot of high energy kind of banter but like we need to

just like slow it down we need to breathe we need to relax spas spas are what we're talking about hotel spas hotel spas specifically and the reason why it's not just any spas because there is a difference there is a difference when you're at because one you get to go upstairs and sleep in it and for you you're talking about not hotels i slept in the attic in a day spa of a massage envy yeah hotel spas let's wax oh that's really good yeah let's eyebrow wax let's eyebrow wax at a hotel spa hotel spas yeah it's like, I think what I think is hilarious about a hotel spa is you, if you're staying on a different floor from where the spa is, you're either going to the spa, like in your regular clothes and you'll change in there. Or it's you walking down the halls in a robe, getting in the elevator, walking by other people going about their day in a robe. I also, in the reviews that I've been looking up for these, it's like, there's weird, like sometimes it's like,

you could only get certain passes if you're staying at the hotel. You can't use certain amenities. Even if you pay for the day, if you're not staying the night, you can't use a pool. And because you're there for the whole hotel experience, they're not there to be,

it's like with a day spa, it's like that's all the energy they're putting into it. Yeah, like that's it. That's it. That's the ultimate for that day to have. Yeah. Yeah. Have you, Jeff, any experience with a hotel spa?

Oh, countless. Okay. I mean, I'll often treat myself. I am want to stay at a spa for the day uh not a lot of experience but yeah i've been to like some hotel spas throughout my years and do you get like are you more prone to a facial or massage or both honestly just just facial or sorry just massage honestly just the skin shit yeah no just the just historically just the massage but now that i've gotten more into my skincare like ish i i really want to like do a facial somewhere like a heyday

or something have you ever gotten a facial never in my life they're so good really yes i'm more prone to get facials because for a long time yeah i did not enjoy a massage and i don't know what the fuck i was thinking um Cause as I've gotten older, it's something that I really do enjoy. There was this one, I was staying at a hotel and I'm like, I'll get a massage, I'll treat myself. And I passed the fuck out on that table.

Which I can't tell if it's a good, it's like, cause I want to enjoy the massage, but also if it's relaxing enough to put me to sleep, but then I'm like, but I'm not feeling it. And I'm just taking a nap. Yeah. Like a $300 nap. So should we just like get into it? Let's get down and dirty.

Do you want to kick us off or should I? This is the, this is a four star review of La Prairie at the Ritz Carlton Spa in Midtown Manhattan. Okay. So we're doing. Okay. I got fancy hotel spas too. Yeah. This comes from Matt S.

Matt sat on a rat under the mat in a hat. And that's all one name? It's all hyphenated, but it is the last name. So how many marriages happened over time? Matt sat on a rat under a mat with a hat. Yeah. That's like 10 marriages. Four stars.

I might have been... Oh, my God. I might as well have been hit by a tranquilizer dart. Couldn't have been more of a relaxing experience. Beautiful aromas, champagne in hand, or tea. Very peaceful. It's like such violent language. For the most peaceful day.

Yeah, he has no frame of reference. Shot in the ass with an arrow that knocked me out fucking cold. It was bliss. Hi, excuse me. Hello, welcome. Sorry, this is my first day. Hello, you have reached Jeannie. How can I help you?

Yeah, I was just calling to see if I could get some kind of spa package booked for the weekend. I know it's kind of short notice, but... Oh yeah, absolutely. We have three different tiers available. First tier is just you come in and you can get a massage or facial of your choice.

And you get some of our complimentary water, our famous cucumber melon water. Tier two is you get massage and facial. And then tier three is you get the full day. You can do any kind of treatments you want and full use of our pools and our hot tubs. And is there kind of like an industrial level pressure tier where basically you'll flatten me like a steamroller and then there'll be kind of some

kind of acupuncture acupressure where I feel like I'm just being stabbed by vaccine needle after vaccine needle used as hell. Oh, we get a lot of calls. I know it's my first day like I just said, but I've heard tell that we get a lot of calls, a lot of calls. I know it's my first day, like I just said, but I've heard tell that we get a lot of calls, a lot of calls about people asking for more intense pressure in our massages. Yes, yes. And so absolutely, I get the euphemism. We can make sure that we give you Tony, who is, he is like, you know, our big guy. He brings out the big guns.

So he'll make sure to really get those deep tissue massages. Yeah, I mean, he's, for lack of a better term he's a jacked guy uh so he'll really make sure in terms of staying armed staying armed excuse me you said he brings out the big guns yes i'd love that he is a that's great we can uh he is free this thursday at 145 if that works for you and does he provide his own rounds or should I bring? I think there's been a miscommunication here. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. My name? Burley. Okay, Burley.

I think there's been a miscommunication. There will be no weapons in the room. You will just be wearing a towel or a robe if you want to have boxers on, trunks underneath. So they can put me in a trunk. They can put me in a trunk and sort of knock me around kick me like a soccer ball i think that the services that we provide here are outside of the realm of things that you seem to be looking for um we offer services that promote relaxation and um time for self-reflection and treating yourself. Yes. So what I think you're looking for, there actually is a place a couple blocks away.

One of those rage rooms. You can throw a bat. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to rage. I'm already rage. I don't need to be more worked up. I need to come into the spa and like you said, relax, you know, treat myself like shit.

When I feel low, I feel high. Does that make sense? We can ask Tony. His history is as a WWE fighter. And we can ask him to maybe go a little harder than he should. No, you know what? I feel like you're still not getting it. I don't want the extra pressure.

I want him to beat the shit out of me. I want him to flatten me like a pancake, pin me down for three seconds, I lose the match. You want to fight Tony? That'd be great, yeah. How much is that? Cut to the spot.

They've made like a makeshift ring and it's like they have like towels, like a really taut look. Instead of ropes, it's a bunch of spa towels. The robes that you guys come out in are like the spa robes and slippers. Tony's in the corner of the ring.

He's got two cucumbers over his eyes getting ready. A masseuse comes into the middle. Let's get ready to rumble. And in our newcomer corner we have um burly i'm totally good to whisper by the way i know that that's the rule okay great so we have tony d and burly wow uh i guess the rules should be no one gets hurt i don't know um maybe no punches on the face and you're like yeah that sounds good that sounds good we have some shiatsu hot stones on the side in case anyone wants to just add those for a nice bit of um you know the heat will kind of like loosen up the muscles a little bit and again we have some of our cucumber melon water if anyone needs a little break so again looking out to the crowd it's all just people sitting in robes they're all just random spa goers and we'd ask as per usual as is our

policy that we keep your phones on silent and that we have no loud noises no phone calls um okay three two one go the bell is like those like chi things where it's just ding it's so soft No loud noises, no phone calls. Okay, three, two, one, go. The bell is like those like chi things where it's just ding. It's so soft. They just kind of both square up. They grab each other's shoulders like they do in wrestling, but then they just start massaging each other. One of them takes one of the hot stones, slams it on their back.

Oh, it's scalding, but I do feel the loosening. That is pretty good, actually. Lack of inflammation, for sure. Acupuncture thing grabs him right into his meridian lines. Oh, I can already feel the detox. Tony just starts doing his, like, whoa. I feel like I'm back where I belong. Back in the fucking ring.

His voice starts getting louder. I'm getting back. Tony, Tony, please please if we could ask you for a voice ring no this feels fucking incredible grabs a chair I missed it oh I'm on the like the mat looking up

towards like heaven I'm like bliss you get home rate the place five stars I might as well been hit by a tranquilizer dart couldn't have had a more relaxing experience um should we take a break yeah marty This is for the four season spa in Beverly Hills. That's where I want to be. This is five stars from Marie R.

Rest. Marie R. Rest. I decided to treat myself to a massage for my birthday. I requested Dimitri for a deep tissue massage. What a great birthday gift to me. He is so talented. He really knows how to work the stress right out of your muscles.

I booked another massage on that day. I justify the price by scheduling every seven weeks. They're a bit pricey, but well worth it. I walked into the hotel and was quickly reminded why I take my business here. Everyone, every once in a while, deserves some decadence in their life to be reminded of how special we really are. The Four Seasons does a great job at making you feel special. I did not want my experience to end. From the second you walk through the front door and the doorman opening the door for you to the wait for the elevator with the classical background music.

This place is a taste of heaven. I look forward to my next massage in August. This time, I'll be going early to enjoy my glass of champagne in the steam room. And I wonder what celebrity I'll ride the elevator with next time. In a job interview sorry so the reason why you want this job is because it pays enough that you can go to the yeah the beverly or the beverly wilshire you said beverly hilton the beverly hilton every seven weeks for that special treatment something about me that you should know uh is that i really think all of us are intrinsically special.

And I think deep down we're all good and we're all perfect. And so it's like, what a better way to just own how, how special and decadent our sweet little scrumptious souls really are than getting our bodies rubbed the right way on the back. So this is going to be for, you know, you're going to be in charge of a lot of patients at this children's hospital. Yes. And as much as I admire you saying that there's, you know, goodness in everyone. Perfection in everyone. That's probably a slippery slope.

But no, just like the idea is to help children who are deathly ill. I couldn't agree more. No, but you can't because I asked you why you want to do the job and you said you want to go to a spa. So I just like, you're so qualified. I'm in Columbia Med School. You worked at the Cleveland Clinic for six years. We want to hire you. You're frankly our best candidate.

It's this one red flag that I have to ask you about. Are you doing this for the children or are you doing this for spa treatments? I don't see how it can't be both i think if i'm not honoring the perfect little girl in me every week then i don't know how i can show up for these kids you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others right i need to i need to get a deep tissue massage before i can help others okay so you're saying it's a it's it's purely just for stress management is. So you're saying it's purely just for stress management. Is that what you're saying? Well, like I said, it can be both. And so not only will it help me be better at my job,

but it'll just help me be a better me at the end of the day. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever gotten, you look like you're not a guy who's been poked and prodded by the hands of Dimitri. I see children get told that they're gonna die within months every day of my life so i also i can tell i can tell in the let's just say you got some designer bags under your eyes incredibly rude

those on a plane you have to pay extra you ever gotten a facial you look like you could use one in the best way and i don't mean that to say like i can see the wear and tear of all this stress of this high pressure emotionally taxing and draining job on your skin and on your body. But what I'm saying is people like I push my resume off to the side. People like us. We deserve it. We deserve it. Yeah, we really deserve it.

Cut to you running for president. A question from our viewers. What is your platform? Because you seem to have made it on this debate stage we haven't seen anything in your platform regarding the interests of others it just seems to be that you saw that the president can kind of fly on air force one anywhere they go and according to you this is a quote i want to visit every spa possible in the continental united states that's exactly right and i believe in full transparency. And I also believe, you know,

I know that it's kind of taboo for women to go out and get what they want. And there's a One Direction song, you don't know you're beautiful. And that's what makes you beautiful. I know that I'm beautiful. I know that I'm worth it. And so I think it's empowering to see a strong willed woman go out there and know what she deserves am i right and get what i want so i would like to visit every five-star spa in the world and i do think that becoming president of the united states and flying on air force one and having those resources will allow me to tap into well me and i just want to make i just want to give you a chance to clarify a quote that you had in the new york times this week oh I know the one you're going to say.

You say it. I love this one. You insinuated that the Green New Deal is about getting better and newer cucumbers for your eyes. Better and newer cucumbers for my eyes. Better and newer cucumbers for my eyes. Again, can we all say it at the same time? I'm worth it. I'm worth it.

I'm worth it. Yes. If we're not getting the best possible cucumbers for our eyes, how will we look like? Alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic. So that's the kind of president I want to be. I want to show up as my best, most relaxed, gorgeous on inside and out. I'm not going to lie. Self.

So that I can help you. Cut to her. she's president, at her first UN meeting. She has every country's representative getting a massage cucumber on their eyes. There's this, a screen comes up, world peace achieved. World peace achieved.

All right, I have another review. This is from Is isabel m of the ritz carlton spa this one's in chicago isabel moot point isabel moot point two stars not so friendly but great place to relax if you just want to be left alone they're me it's what makes you think of is like the portion of spas the quote-unquote like relaxation area yeah where it's just like you're not getting any treatments done it's just kind of like a quiet room dimly lit with music playing that room always makes me want to take a nap if i'm ever at a spa there's like nowhere i feel more like i'm ready to go to bed than in that room yeah and like in her mind she's like they weren't being very nice

but it's like she's fully like setting up a cot she's like i just want to just let me be it's like a um young adult like romance movie it's like jonathan i really like you and i feel like no one's ever gotten me quite like you have. And because of that, I want to take you to my special place, the place where I feel the most free, the place where I can be alone with my thoughts, the place that no one else has ever come with me to. Wait, we might have the same place, Anastasia.

Let's say it at the same time. Three, two, one. The quarry lookout. The spot, the Ritz-Carlton. The what? Whenever I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But no, we can totally go to your place too. That also sounds nice.

But does your place have fluffy terrycloth robes and slippers um no how can you afford that we're 17 my dad got caught up in some oil things a couple years ago but it's not a big deal i'm still me now come on i just want to give you a taste of what it's like to kind of enter and point to my brain my world got to the relaxation room it's a lot of middle-aged people don't mind them they usually just keep to themselves that's why i made this i point the corner there's a towel fort in the corner there's like twinkly lights and all these things it's's like a Tumblr thing. They let you do that? They make me take it down before I leave every time,

so I do have to reassemble it because they say that it's taking up too much space. But for now, come see Chateau Anastasia, as I like to call it. They get in the pillow or the towel for it. Yeah, I don't know. It just kind of feels like these floors are made out of linoleum.

It just feels very impersonal. This is your special place? I knew i don't know it just kind of feels like these floors are like made out of linoleum it just feels very impersonal this is your special place i knew you wouldn't get it why'd you bring me part of me well part of me hoped that you would but part of me feared the worst and i don't know i i thought you could see why it was so special to me the linoleum floor is the coldness of it reminds me that I'm alive. And the terrycloth reminds me that I'm held by the universe and by the spa. One of the spa workers opens up one of the towels. Anastasia, come on. You gotta go. You cannot keep. No, please. Just like trying to close it. more minutes five more minutes fine five more minutes but then i'm calling your dad no yes yes i'm gonna call your dad you get five more minutes in the towel fort and that's it you're also talking way too loudly we can hear you there's

not a top to it it's just like walls around everyone can hear you and you're disturbing the guests i'm sorry please just five more minutes. Okay, I'm literally, I'm starting, look at my phone. I'm starting a countdown right now. You get five minutes. An alarm will go off in five minutes. I'm sorry about that. They're so out of touch here. Not really.

I think they're absolutely in the right. I mean. I grab your face just with a palm of my hand. Jonathan, what are you saying? I thought you and I had something special. I thought we got each other. After we got our matching stick and poke tattoos, I thought we were bonded for life.

Those weren't stick and poke tattoos. You took a ballpoint pen and hammered it into my arm three times before I shoved you off of me and said, ow. But then I got the matching three dots on my arm. I thought that meant something to you. I honestly don't see how I didn't see this coming. There's a lot about you that's just like bizarre. I don't think we do see eye to eye.

In what way? I wanted to go dancing that one night. We went to the roller rink to have that party and you wouldn't leave the corner. In what way? I wanted to go dancing that one night. We went to the roller rink to have that party. And you wouldn't leave the corner. You said nobody puts me in the corner. But I said you are in the corner. And you're putting yourself there. And you said can we just go home or to a spa?

I thought you were joking. But now I'm starting to get it. Because the cool kids, people who are in, they don't get it. They don't see the beauty of the world around them. They don't understand what it's like to feel your breath, to take in the feeling of your feet on linoleum floors, the scent of cucumber in the air and how that brings you inward. The same spa employee comes in and like

opens the towel are you sending your mail here anastasia you can't do this but here this was addressed to you here it's a thank you it's a very thin envelope from pratt holy shit it's it's your decision this is your your dream i'm a little nervous i mean i mean when they send you something like this, you never know what it's going to be. You and your mom have talked about you going to Pratt for, well, your whole life. Open it. Open it. I'm going to be at NYU. We could still see each other.

We wouldn't have to deal with that end of summer break up. You just made it very clear that it seems like you didn't want to see me anymore. But I love this turn that this is taking. Well, if you get into Pratt, then I think you are the person that I thought I knew. Hold it with me. Let's just take this moment and live in the limitless possibilities that the next five seconds could hold. When I open this, and I have no idea what it's going to say, it's so flimsy. It feels like you're just holding one 8x10.

I have no idea what it's going to tell me, but I know that what we have is real. And since you entered my sacred place, I trust you with anything. So I want to let you open it and you can hold my fate and my heart in your hands. I open it up. Well, I'm like kind of trying to cutely gnaw on a piece of cucumber.

You didn't get in. They actually said you didn't finish your application. So you weren't even considered. Did you not? Did you not submit a common application? Why would I submit an application that's so common? You're not different in good ways. You're just different in strange, bizarre ways

and your dad made a lot of money off of an oil lawsuit. I have to go. The timer goes off and that's time. She fully tears it down. No! Yes! Obviously yes! I want to be me! And that's time. She fully tears it down. No. Yes. Obviously, yes. I want to be me.

You are. And that's the issue. Your last review. Okay. Here we go. One time. This is also for the four seasons in Beverly Hills. It's a two-part review.

The first one's from 2015. and the second is from 2020. Same person. It's from Lady A. Let's do Lady Atmosphere. Lady Atmosphere. The first review from 2015, five stars. Jessica does the best pedicures in Los Angeles, bar none. Five years later, two stars.

Now that Jessica's gone, I can't recommend this anymore. I had a pedicure and massage. My nails looked nice, but the new manicure has cut my cuticle back too far. It's been months already. It hasn't grown back, and it pinches my toe every day. Also, the massage I got didn't relieve any of the pain or tension. It's like craigslist missed connections it's like you know they'll be like uh instagram or usually it's twitter or tiktok

it's like help me find this person twitter do your thing and everyone's like tagging person it's like I lost someone who was typing a tweet I lost someone who is typing a tweet. I lost someone who is incredibly important to me. She changed my life. And I don't know where she is, but I can't go on without her. Jessica W., if you're out there, just know that Rachel K. is looking for you. So Twitter, do your thing. Send. Jessica responds,

Rachel, I saw you this morning. What are you talking about? Honestly, I don't know if we can keep dating if you're going to be this clingy. Call me. I respond back on the thread. Twitter, you did it. Never in my life did I think

I would be so grateful for a silly little app but all you twitter heads out there you made our wish come true and now we can be together and not have to worry about separation ever again love my followers jessica responds you're deflecting call me what i love most about jessica and my relationship is that it's real. Okay? We're back in the thick of it. We're not in the honeymoon phase any longer. And the musical emojis.

And for that, I'm so thankful. She is the love L-U-V of my life. Send. Responds again. Stop using song lyrics as a crutch. We went on four dates on the last one you invited your brother who got drunk at the restaurant and we got kicked out and i got footed with the bill and you've been dodging my venmos call me we're not real it's response musical emojis is it too

late now to say sorry because Because I do mean it. And yes, every couple has their ups and downs. And so, dear followers, this is what it looks like to be in the real world and not on The Bachelorette. Send. Responds. That's another thing. You were on The Bachelorette. And you didn't tell me until midway through date two.

You said, oh, shit, I got to go gotta go i said where do you have to go you said to set i said are you an actor you said no i'm literally the bachelorette why go on the show if you're gonna continue dating outside the show call me the next one's a voice or a notes app screenshot jessica when you're on reality tv you meet a lot of fake people. A lot has like seven O's. And when I met you walking to my car from Crafty, I thought she's the real deal. And that's why I fell for you. And yes, I am still technically on the show. And that's why I can't call you because I have lost my cell phone privileges because the producer said that I was talking too loudly and making it too clear that I was not effectively participating in this

game. I thought you would get that. And I'm willing to work through this if musical notes, you are my lover for life. And I'm willing to work through anything with you. And that's why I'm issuing this statement that Jessica, you're not getting rid of me. as long as you try. I am here. I'm in it. I'm going to stick through it with you. I do have 10 more episodes to shoot, but that does not compare to the 10 more lifetimes that I want to spend loving you.

Call me. Blocked. The next one. Front facing camera video. It's you just with two, holding two threes with your fingers next to your mouth and going, wow. Somebody responds to that one.

They said, is this true? And it's a link to an article about how The Bachelorette's been replaced. It's with Anastasia. All right, should we do our last segment? Yes. This shook me all week long. I'm trying to do 100 push-ups a day.

Trying to do 100 push-ups a day, just make it part of my routine. So if anybody wants to join me on that join me it's not it's not as hard as it sounds you don't i don't do them all at once i do them throughout the day and it's uh it's great when did you start two days ago this is day three and i already did it how does it feel it feels good it's i mean you know it's uh it sounds so daunting but already it's only been three days and i already oh, now it doesn't seem that crazy. Because if you just don't do them all at once, just do, like, I do it in chunks of two or three. And it's just, it feels good to do.

It feels like a fun little challenge. And because it can be done in, like, 15 minutes total, it feels so doable to not even, because some people are like oh i'm gonna do 100 push-ups a day for the next 100 days that was my initial thought but now i'm just like no let me just do this indefinitely because if i think about it for the 100 days then i'll be to be like counting in my head and i'm just not gonna do that but uh yeah guys the summer is happening nicer weather nicer mood longer days why don't you get in touch with your body man don't tell people to get in touch with their body that's good advice it's good advice coming from other people you are not allowed

to do it okay okay i got that for sure for sure what's been shaking you um fresh flowers having fresh flowers in the home i love so here's the thing i love like having a vase of fresh flowers like in my room or in the kitchen or dining room whatever but it's it's a double-edged sword right they're so beautiful and they smell great for like two or three days and then it's like just things start dripping off like pollen's getting everywhere you have like petals coming down yeah and then the water starts it's just it's it's maybe then i'm just not taking good care of them enough. I don't know what I'm doing, but it's like there's such a short window, I feel like, to enjoy them. Yeah.

And then the cleanup is tough. Like having to throw that all out. It's just. Hey, cleanup on aisle leaves. Nice. I went to the coffee shop near my house, a little market. And so my favorite flowers are peonies.

And it's summer. And so peonies are only a summer flower. And they started selling peonies. They're huge and they're gorgeous. And usually like when I was doing a summer, when I was working here over the summer in like 2015, I worked like right near trader joe's and so after work i would go to a trader joe's and they sold peonies during the summer for like they were really affordable and so i'm like hell yeah i can have fresh peonies like

every week um the ones here one i'm like these are like these peonies look like they ate the trader joe's peonies and they look fresh Like no leaves looked like they were dying or withered or anything like that. And I was so considering getting it. Looked down, $32. I'm like, I don't think so. For something that's going to not live very long. I was thinking about, because I followed Gigi Hadid on Instagram. It was her 26th birthday recently.

And she just had a shit ton of fresh flowers sent to her. And the only thing i could think of was like man that cleanup's gonna be wild yeah and i was asking elizabeth that because elizabeth's like do you have your what shook me and i'm like i think it's gonna be fresh flowers and elizabeth's kind of like she stared off and she looked at me and she's like i'd rather you not get me a gift at all than get me fresh flowers and i'm like that's a hot take and she's like get me a card get me a car just get me a car i don't need the flowers um so it's tough because it's like i i love fresh flowers i love being given fresh flowers but it's it's it's, it's, it's a chore. The cleanup is a chore. Yeah.

The cleanup is a chore. Yeah. But they're so worth it. But it's just, it's like. I feel like you're saying they're not worth it. No, no, no. Because they're so amazing. And they like liven up a space in such a beautiful way. Yeah.

Just like, even just, you know, if you can like pick fresh wildflowers, like they're, they're, they're wonderful. But I feel like I hit a point where that's something that i procrastinate if it's like flowers are dying yeah i'm like how long can i leave this till it becomes a problem yeah no i do the same thing like okay that's why i really vibe with desert plants because they do not ask much of you and this is a metaphor for my love life. Got it. Should we think some VIPodcats? Yeah.

All right. Thank you to Aaron Carrico. Adam Shea. Agent Gray Michael Hastyskarn. Ako. Alan. Alex Witt. Olvar Wallstrom Lindell.

Anna Liv. Anthony Amadeo. Austin Frost and Augustin Kingston. Bagadoo, the cash went through. Monkey see, monkey do. I paid a monkey to throw its poop on me. I'm bad with money and monkey. Bird Cohen.

Bobby Widdle Baby Boole. Brad Hilde. Brian Dot. Chuck. Cameron Bradley. Jason Bales. Christian Bale Dior with a Veronica web. Connor Finnegan.

Curbature. Damien M. Tarkander Undergrunderson Kirk. Daniel Powerpuff Cluff. Douglas, aka Dogeless, aka someone who saw how Rich Jeff got and went all in on Doge right before it fell off a cliff. Eric Gray is cooler than me. Hallie is my best friend and my podcast is fine crust. Fancy Octopus. Jeffrey, but on a moped. Gray here. than me. Hallie is my best friend and my podcast is fine crust. Fancy octopus. Jeffrey, but on a moped.

Gray here. Gray here. Oh my God. And I am summoning the Gray Army to defend my cool name and prove Jeffrey frickin' James wrong. Greg Berg. Hallie, aka Gray Hasty's twin. Hey Jack, it's Laura. I literally answer all of your calls.

You are honestly, God, the most clingy person I've ever met. Holly. Isaac Puff, new patron. Jake the Snake Radim. Jake Knight. Jake Ullman. Jamie Poncia. Jared.

Jared Kay. Jasper Hoffman, but for the love of Marty, will someone please gainfully or not employ Nolan Whittlebaby Murphy? Jesse Tipton. Jive Gosley. Jonah Sanchez. Job Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Caleb Luster.

Kevin Sunt. Kinsey Owes. Lauren Malang. Lord Hunter the Cool. Malik. Mark Priest. Matthew Lizama. Michael Rowland.

Mr. Tuesday Night has had enough of your sass, Mr. James, so that's actually enough out of you. My name is Jeffrey James and I love Downtown by Macklemore. Nick Correus. Nikki Crunch. Nolan Murphy more like brolin murphy so it's murphy and crocs working for the cia tricking emily blunt brolin style get a job nothing sometimes phoebe phoenix mcvernan please laura i know you're listening i just want to see you one more time then i'll'll leave you alone, Jack. Rooster Williams. Ryan Sweat's way too skinny jeans. Sam Adams. Sam Armstrong. Sarah Kilduff. Slick Ricky. Space Ant.

Spencer. T. Well, R. These vagabond dolls are longing to Bob. Ty Samby's famously fabulous fat fanny. Will Benitez. Xander Madsen. And Yaro Bouchard. So guys, that's patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff if you want various tiers of shit, comedy shit, content, hanging out, parties, zardies. Hi, Jeffrey! Hey! Were you sitting on that the whole hour?

Yes. All right. I do like it better than randomly put somewhere. You can follow Riley on Instagram, at RileyAnspa, on Twitter, at RileyCoyote, and the show on Instagram, at ReviewReview, and on Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. What the fuck are we doing?

I think about that all the time. We don't have a real job. You can follow Debbie at Instagram at Debbie James on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee. We'll see you guys again next week. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Review Review. Arrivederci.

That was a Hiddem Original.