Review Revue - Kraft American Singles

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Kraft American Singles and discuss ill-timed dad jokes, anyteaser samplers, and having sex with snacks!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. Proud and real You make me wanna go Out and steal

I just wanna reach you I just wanna reach you Goosebumps. Are you kidding me? Riley, can you sing a little go to the break? Oh! Marty, can we go into a break please marty call me i've called you 10 times in the past week call me back marty marty mart I called you ten times in the past week. Marty, call me back. Marty.

Marty. I just want to know how you feel. What a love that's true. Fuck. I'm not a real. Wow. You make me want to go out and steal. Marty, call me back. I just wanna be you

I just wanna be you Are you kidding me? I'm speechless. Those vocal stacks. We're just staring at each other. Those seven chords. Jaws dropped. That was like Jacob Collier.

That was amazing. That was so fucking good. I'm speechless. I don't even have a joke or anything. I can't anything funny about that i'm so sorry andy well he probably wants us to say something funny i i can't think of anything he says uh this is that came from andy uh he wants to plug his youtube channel andy lee music so that's a-n-d-y-l-i music uh he says huge fan of the show i made a chill little lo-fi hip hop style review review theme song, Feet and Spa Herself. It's pretty chine, I think.

I was literally just going to say, this is like the lo-fi. I work to lo-fi music. This is like the lo-fi mix of my dreams. This is unbelievable. And I really forgot about that Marty song. So to have that come back, holy shit, that was amazing. He took your vocals, like auto-pitch corrected them to the song and stacked them. That was unbelievable.

That was unbelievable. Shee! Shee! Back at it again. She's instantly bummed for some reason i don't understand what it could be possibly about what do you uh what are you sad about because your face dropped you went from going she to like really sad i have an update about vegas as many of you will remember on last week's episode i talked about how daniel and i were gonna win it all yeah um and you're

millionaire right uh it's hard to talk about i. Yeah. You're a millionaire, right? It's hard to talk about. I mean, it's time to pop the champagne, right? No, come on, man. We left with change. We left with loose change. Really? We left with a quarter, a nickel, and three pennies to our names. When we pulled up at the Venetian,

we went to the Venetian because I had to show Daniel the canals because they're fucking insane, obviously. There's a gondola in a building. That's eternal daytime. It doesn't make any fucking sense. So when we were leaving. Sadly, as an aside thing, there's a gondola in a building. It's eternal daytime.

It's unbelievable. The Venetian. I had to show him. deciding we're like which casino should we go to pick the venetian because i'm like you just gotta see it um and we were looking up the parking situation we're like whoa free parking that's fantastic so we drive there from airbnb park for free we i daniel bet 60 dollars total i bet 70 dollars total we played played slots slots weren't very fun because it's just pressing a button there's no strategy you don't do anything they have really low odds too yeah we did roulette yeah that was fun yeah the woman sitting next to us was like on a fucking streak she was winning like hundreds and hundreds of dollars on roulette we played a couple hands

of blackjack we won our first hand lost the second hand lost the third hand left with nothing we we like walked up because we we had like from from everything we'd done so far we had like 25 and you needed 25 you had to you had to uh bet 25 to play so we gave him 25 and so our first hand we got two face cards we got a 20 he got a 20 we pushed second hand we got a 14 and he showed eight and so we're like we got a hit yeah yes we busted he got an 18 third hand we got a 17 like it was just it was terrible yeah anyway like we left with so but anyway as we were catching out daniel like had change in his hand he's like whatever happens tonight we're walking away with this going into the night i texted jeff i'm like dan and i are gonna win it all yeah we are going to I had texted Jeff. Flipping a nickel like an old Monopoly man.

Going into the night, I texted Jeff. I'm like, Daniel and I are going to win it all. We are going to come out of this multimillionaires. And I was convinced. And Jeff, that same night, what did you do when Daniel and I were at the casino? So you texted me that you're going to win it all. I saw that text as i was checking out at a gas station with a scratch off jeff and i were on the same plane yeah yeah yeah so we were on the same wavelength i could have made 10 million dollars riley could have also made that amount or more

or less uh i was just getting gas and i was like, I'm going to become a millionaire. So I got the scratch off. I decided I'm going to become a millionaire. I got the $30 scratch off. It's the dumbest amount of money to spend on a scratch off because the most likely scenario is you A, lose money. And then the second most likely scenario is you make $30. That's too much money to spend on a scratch-off. So I learned my lesson.

I wasn't even that bummed. It was a sunk cost at a certain point, but neither of us walked away millionaires. No, we didn't. It was devastating, and Vegas was unbelievably hot, 125 degrees in the desert. Obviously, climate change is very real. It was De. Yeah. And Vegas was unbelievably hot, 125 degrees in the desert. Obviously, climate change is very real. It was Devin Scotting.

I don't know about that, but- Our agent's assistant. No, I know. Yeah. Maybe don't dox him. He's fine. So, yeah, that's where I'm at. So I guess it's like, what's the point?

But you're fucking verified on Twitter, so that's a win for both of us. Yeah, which is its own version of high stakes poker. But all of this to say, stacking cash makes me think of stacking a different type of thin cheddar. We're talking Kraft. American. Single. Slices. Single.

Slices. Single. Slices, single, slices, single, slices. In a way, I'm a craft American single because I'm not dating anyone and I was sort of made in God's image. Oh my god. In a way.

In a way. Up to a certain point and then we just kind of freestyle. You've seen the idols of Jesus. He has the Adonis belt and I don't have that. I'll be honest with you guys. I don't have the V that points down to my D. You have the same hair, but then, oh my.

Why is that, by the way? Why is Jesus so hot all the time? I mean, he's got to be, what, 8% body fat? So, Jeff, any experiences with Kraft American singles cheese? I grew up, obviously, having grilled cheese with this. I think that, I don't know, it's not good. It just doesn't. It really sounded like you were going to launch into a dissertation.

I just think that, I don't know, it's not good. I don't think I ever liked it. I just didn't know that I liked cheese. So like my, you know, my family and I, we would make grilled cheeses and it was fine. It was very gooey. The pull, you know, the, what is it called? The cheese tear, the cheese rip. The cheese pull.

Cheese pull was ideal. But, you know, I hadn't yet been introduced to the flavors of the day. Sharp cheddar and aged Gouda. So Jeff's malfunctioning but what he's trying to say is like there's so many other cheeses out there um what's your experience i mean of course you know growing up like if you want a little snack you take one out of the fridge and you just have a little slice of cheese it is not cheese it's literally not it is literally not and and what's fascinating about it it's like on the packaging at least online the photos i was seeing that it's like has a little icon of milk and it's like always made with milk it's like well i should fucking hope so since that's what

cheese is yeah what do you mean you have to clarify that it's made with milk that's literally cheese cheese is milk cheese is milk so obviously it's going to be made with milk what else why would you have to clarify and remind us that oh no this this is made with milk we just want to be clear we just want to be crystal clear that is what sorry i hit the mic that is what that's literally how you make cheese is is milk i i saw something that actually that it said it was um it's labeled a cheese snack because it can't call itself cheese. And it's like dairy beverage.

You can't call yourself cheese. You don't have the goddamn right. Don't gatekeep pasteurized milk. No, but it's like all of us, we're the real deal. You can't even, you're not allowed to call yourself. It's cheddar, manchego, gruyere. You can't even, you don't even have the right, the luxury to call yourself cheese yeah i don't

i don't know i mean you're a cheese snack you're too cheesy for a regular snack but you're not cheese enough to be cheese it's four it's three biological children and an adopted child so we got cheese cheese cheese, cheese, and cheese snack. Well, cheese. Cheese snack. I've seen a lot of burger places in LA, you know, basically like elevated versions of like a McDonald's burger, I guess, where it's like a smash burger with like a special sauce and stuff. It's trying to be a Big Mac. And it uses Kraft. And I'm like, don't. Just use like cheddar.

Like, I don't know. I just don't think it's ever actually good on a burger. It is more affordable. Not that much. But Kraft macaroni and cheese, that shit fucking slaps every time. So good. That shit is fucking addicting. It's amazing. So where did they go wrong from their mac and cheese, their powdered stuff?

We tried. You guys are shitting on us. We tried to make a cheese. I'm not shitting on you. I'm saying that Kraft mac and cheese is incredible. We're not shitting on you. It's incredible. Sorry, we should say that we have a Kraft American Slices rep with us, and he's getting

a little butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, guys, we fucking tried. You guys are acting like we didn't try to make cheese. I understand. No, I'm just saying the mac and cheese products, you don't even touch that. That is perfect. Leave it as is. All right, thank you. That is amazing. We love that. We love that. I understand. No, I'm just saying the mac and cheese products, you don't even touch that. That is perfect. Leave it as is.

That is amazing. We love that. We love that. The slices, the cheese snack is where you could use some improvement. How? He's on the verge of tears. Would you like to start us off

with a review of cheese snack? Here we go. This is a four-star review of Kraft American Singles. This is a four-star review of Craft American Singles. This is from Handsome Gentleman. I'm not even going to change the name. That's his first and last name. Four stars.

These make great cat frisbees. One bit of advice, though, is if you have a tabby cat, untie it from the tree before you play catch. I forgot to, and Mr. theodore not only hurt his paw but also broke his sunglasses lol sorry i'm gonna need to think about the physics and the lot sorry i think he had his cat on a leash tied to a tree and then tossed a cheese slice in the general direction of uh what is it mr theodore and and then mr theodore kind of grabbed at it and uh but theodore was tied up mr theodore was tied up um and it kind of hurt the cat the tabby okay

thank you for coming into the police station today so uh i'm just triple checking as i file this report um did you say there was a cat robbery did someone attempt to steal mr well uh mr theodore tab theodore yeah thank you um so mr robbins you said that mr theodore um was hurt was there someone who came up and assaulted your cat or i'm just trying to get a better idea of how you need us to kind of move forward with any investigation need there be one i mean i have a a best case scenario in the back of my mind, if you'd like to hear it. Yes, we will take any information. Any data is good data for us. I'd like you to arrest the tree.

The tree? Because Mr. Theodore- Is that a code name of someone who is around the neighborhood who might be a potential suspect? No. Mr. Theodore, because ultimately- That's what I was afraid of.

Who hurt Mr. Theodore was the oak. Because I had Mr. Theodore, because ultimately who hurt Mr. Theodore was the oak. Because I had Mr. Theodore on a leash because I don't want him to run out in traffic, tossed him a Frisbee that was made out of cheese, and he hurt himself because he was attached to the tree. And I think it's... I see. Okay, I see what's happening. For the rest of this interview, I would actually prefer if we just said your cat. It feels very trivial to be saying the name Mr. Theodore

in a very serious context. You said you liked facts. I'm giving you the cold hard facts. Okay, I'm sorry. Well, to me, Mr. Robbins, the cold hard facts clearly show in my mind, and I'm a dog guy, so I don't know too much about cats and leashes,

but it seems like you might not be fit to own a cat and we might have to remove it from your possession and bring it to a shelter because you are abusing your animal I'm not gonna be spoken to that way by a dog person I'm sorry but I that's you're not an impartial jury I'm gonna need a different person I'm gonna need a different person because you clearly don't get what it means to own a cat. What it means to own a cat is to cohabitate with a feline. No, it's okay. I don't need to hear it because I'm happy.

There is a homicide investigation going on in the next room. And so I'd actually much rather be there. That's what I'm trained to do. Cut to the homicide investigation. All right. Blood splattered on the walls. I'll never unsee what I saw. I walked in and she was gone.

My wife, my mother of my three kids was... Brilliant. Cut back. No, I'm saying I tossed the cheese like a frisbee. Is that what you're not getting? I don't, I'm telling you, I'm happy to move you to someone else in my department. You don't need to keep telling me this.

I will bring someone in right now. If you stop talking, I will bring in a colleague. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Does your dog have a personality unto himself? Absolutely, he does. No, wrong. Cats have personalities.

Dogs are just little slobbery animals. And I know- I am not getting into a cats versus dogs conversation with you. 100%. I have real, no, 100 100 i'm not getting into this so i'll happily transfer you over to my colleague yvonne and yvonne will come in here and she will take over and and that will be that we do not need to speak to each other about this anymore

cut back to the homicide room all right we have three suspects it's looking to be a part of a series of murders they're all connected there's a symbol that keeps being painted on the wall. It looks like it's the cancer sun symbol. So it's basically 69, but put onto its side. This is going to be a national case. Cut back. All right, Yvonne, let me test your knowledge on cats before we get into this thing. When cats squint at you, what are they trying to get at? Sir, I came in here because I am not a pet owner. I came in here to be an impartial member who is able to- I'd rather have a dog owner than someone who doesn't care for animals at all. Okay, well, Detective Johnson is in the other room dealing with this homicide, and so I'm here.

I'm actually- Oh, I'll go see him myself. No, no, no, no, no. First in through. He has a motive because he's the cousin of the killer. Hey, sorry to interrupt. no, no. Person through. He has a motive because he's the cousin of the killer. Hey, sorry to interrupt. Detective Johnston. Johnson?

Go. What are you doing in here? Is it Johnson or Johnston? It doesn't matter. It's Johnson. Go back. What are you doing in here? This is a very sensitive case we're dealing with.

I heard you have a cat. The other detective looks down at the rendering of what the guy said the suspect might look like. Looks up. looks down at the rendering of what the guy said the suspect might look like looks up um detective johnson would close the door close the door and lock it close the door and lock it looks down looks up oh it's definitely this fucking guy let's book him absolutely him no and i would have gotten away with it too I was here to hide in plain sight It was a distraction method I threw cheese at a cat You killed five people

I didn't mean to do just five I was gonna do more If the issue is that I only did five i could have gotten a couple more all right i didn't mean to do just five that's nothing that's child's play should we take a break okay uh yeah marty we're gonna take a break is that cool he can't hear me marty he no we're recording he we're not on the phone i just realized that right now And we're back. And we're craft. American symbols.

This is a four-star review from Fair Honest Review. That's their name? Yeah. Yeah, that's their name. Okay. Both of these handsome gentlemen and Fair Honest Review. I would put them together. I ship it.

This is four stars the title is no more who cut the cheese joke the best thing about buying pre-cut cheese is there are no more dad jokes of guess who just cut the cheese i just imagine a family's like sitting down to like a big like a like a christmas dinner or something like a big special dinner and the dad's in the head of table like okay here we go my time to shine the kids are all putting down dishes and it's like they put out a charcuterie plate he's like rubbing his hands together like oh let's get this started and it's and it's craft american slices with some crackers what okay dad i'm not sure i bought the i bought about a block of aged gouda um for the table oh you put this charcuterie plate together where did the aged gouda go oh yeah i actually i used

it for i didn't know it was for the charcuterie plate i used it for uh my spinach and artichoke dip little smoky version of it okay um god this is uh no it should be fine it should be fine what's wrong i mean what are you not saying because you you look upset i just no it's honestly i i don't want to get into it you know we're celebrating your mother and my 35th anniversary i can't believe it um and i'm so happy to have the whole family back together again and it was a perfect opportunity for me to test out some material but obviously that's not gonna happen oh you wanted to like um you wanted to test out your vows because you have your vow renewal tomorrow oh that no that'll be fine i'm not worried about that um i'll just kind of wing it uh no it's something more important you know what i i really don't want to make i don't want

to make it a big why are you what are you doing on your phone are you ordering something for post mates um don't worry it's just it's just you know what i'm actually hungrier than i thought we have a whole spread of a feel like there's not enough food. We have a suckling turkey. And we have a charcuterie plate. We have spinach and artichoke dip. We have mashed potatoes. And we have a big cake. We have slices.

You have Kraft American slices on the table. I'm sorry. Is that not? Again, I didn't know that the asiatica was going to be for the charcuterie board. I'm sorry that it's not that high quality cheese. It's not about the cheese. It's about my set. So now daddy isn't going to get to do to be for the charcuterie board. I'm sorry that it's not that high quality cheese. It's not about the cheese. It's about my set. So now daddy isn't going to get to do his set for the table.

Set? Like jokes? Daddy isn't going to make everyone laugh and think, oh, thank God daddy's cracking his jokes. Honey, honey, honey. So now there's going to be no entertainment. Can you stop saying daddy? I'm, what, Rachel, I'm their daddy and you're their mommy. We've never called ourselves that.

It's dad and mom. It's normal. daddy wanted mommy to laugh at daddy's jokes and daddy wanted babies to also laugh at daddy's jokes and now what daddy's not gonna be funny guy yeah guys come on dad isn't getting his time to shine proud of me dad dad daddy chris daddy proud of me daddy i am proud of you son hey you're such a suck up chris chris could you get the door the postmates has just arrived so fast can you be my little scamp and just go grab daddy his slices i got it daddy opens the door grab daddy his cheese brings you the bag you postmated cheddar takes it out of the table go on uh it's free for everyone well i mean daddy paid for it but uh everyone take a slice uh it's not sliced it's just um exactly just go on take a little bit carve some i take my knife all right and start slicing it Whoa, whoa! Oh my, like insanely waving his hand in front of his face.

Oh man, who cut the cheese? Oh George, I think it was you. Oh my God, you stinky boy. Woo, he cut the cheese, all right. Come on, that was daddy's first big joke of the night. Kids, your father was laid off last week. It was part of a round of cuts at the factory. Rich, mommy, we don't need to get...

This is about us, this is about G's, and it's about jokes. It's about you. George, I'm so sorry, but we're not going to be able to pay for your college tuition. Whoever smelt it, dealt it! Richard, this is serious. Whoever said the rhyme did the crime. Yeah, I guess that's okay. I mean, I can apply for student loans.

I think I missed the window for the first semester, but I can just start in the spring. Pulls out fruit. Aren't you glad I didn't say banana? Ah, nice one, daddy. Chris, you have the best sense of humor of this whole family. Oh my God.

Chris is an idiot. You should go on the road. I grab you by the collar. Don't you ever talk about your brother like that. Don't you ever talk about your brother like that. Ever again. You just held up two oranges and said, orange you glad I didn't say banana. You can't be a tough guy now.

Richard, can I talk to you in the kitchen? Okay, mommy, let's go don't call me that i think we should i think we should postpone the vow renewal what no i had so many good jokes lined up for that mommy fine we'll do it cut to the next cut to the vow renewal richard 25 years i mean you've stuck with me through some of the darkest times in my life you've been there to celebrate some of the highs of my life. And I admire your courage. I admire your drive, your loyalty to our family.

And how when times are tough, you step up to the plate. I love you. Hey, Rachel. Knock, knock. I love you hey Rachel knock knock knock knock I can't do this Rachel please Rachel please

who's ringing your please who's there please up dog what's up dog not much what's up dog not much what's up with you smashes a pie in your face

you know what mommy daddy didn't deliver the joke correctly but mommy really came in clutch with the punchline and that's why she's my gal that's why she's my gal. That's why she's my best gal. She's daddy's best gal. I love you, honey. Oh, man. This is great. Takes out a mic. Anyone here

from Buffalo? One hand. What's that? Oh! Oh! Sucks to be you. I'm kidding. I've passed through there on a work trip. It's pretty nice. Anyone here from Des Moines? How is this a set? You're just asking people where they're from.

Crowd work. Crowd work. You wouldn't get it. You're not in comedy. Apply for jobs. Don't have a midlife crisis at a power duel. You can't? Let me see your last cover letter. You're not gonna like it. Applying for a job

at Pfizer. Yeah, here you go. Subject line is another year older, another year Pfizer. I'll go back to work. It's just like they don't appreciate humor. It's like they don't even watch Family Guy. It's crazy. That's your favorite show.

That makes, it all adds up. It all adds up. I don't know how I never noticed that you kind of suck. Should we do our next review? Yeah. Okay. Four stars from Anonymous. So first and last name?

Peter Griffin. Four stars from Peter Griffin. First of all, I'm from Wisconsin, so I like to think I know my cheeses. When it comes to making a grilled cheese, these do the best job. It's the perfect part gooey to cheesy. Perfect ratio of gooey to cheesy, I think they meant to say. Other cheeses I buy aren't as meltable as this one. The only downside is it's not the best thing for you to consume.

But one grilled cheese now and then never hurt anyone. On a first date. I love this place. I can't believe you've never been here. No, you know, I've passed by it so many times. It's just one of those places that it's like I took for granted that I lived so close to it. So you're a regular here?

It's kind of a special occasion place. And let me warn you right now. This isn't the healthiest joint. You know what? It's okay. You know, it's great to indulge every once in a while. So I'm excited. Hey, I'm your waiter.

My name is Damien. I'll be helping out today. Can I get you guys to start with any appetizers? Do you mind if I order for us for the just appetizers for the table? Oh, yeah. You know, Damien, I've actually never been here before. And this guy here, he comes in all the time. So, you know what? I fully trust you.

Order for the table. I am ready to try anything. We'll do the any teaser sampler. And we'll get that with the duck fat roast omelet skits. And then we'll do the spinach artichoke and sugar dip. We'll do the buffalo wings with a side of duck fat. And then we'll do the crudite just to be healthy. But instead of carrot sticks and celery, can we just make that a full pizza? I was just going to say uh i'll take a

crudite as as well um and then that crudite let's make that one another any teaser sampler with the following options we'll do the onion rings and can we do those extra duck fat and then i think i mean stop me if i'm wrong but we'll do the queso fresco. But can you make it not that fresco? I'd like an older queso. So basically something that ideally you've sent back to the kitchen because it just wasn't quite right. And then we'll do a crudite. But that one, let's just make that one. And then you use a sampler with all the same options as the first one, extra duck fat.

Duck fat on the side. Thanks. So tell me, do you have any siblings order something and make it something else. Sorry, we'll have the crudite, but can actually you make that the anyteaser sampler? So you want the anyteaser sampler? No, no, no. I want the crudite, but I would like that to come out as the anyteaser sampler. You weren't listening.

You should actually be writing this down. I know you waiters kind of like do some things sometimes or it's like you have it on your head, but I actually did say crudite as the any teaser sampler. Yeah, I mean, that's the most confusing thing I've ever heard. But yeah, I can do that. So just an any teaser sampler. No. Got it.

You're not listening. Should we do the next review? Yeah. This review, I totally know right now, reads like the game where it's like you just press the suggested words in your text on an iPhone. So this is five stars from Monserrat C. Monserrat C. Monserrat?

M-O-N-S-E-R-R-A-T-C. So I'm probably pronouncing that wrong. Okay, Monserrat Chap. Okay, Monserrat Chap, five stars. This is all one sentence. Yep. What I think about this product, I think this product is amazing

and its richness, its texture in the cheese is amazing and is amazing And it's richness, it's texture In the cheese is amazing And the milky taste of it, it's great I always buy this, Jesus, Jesus I will always be on the fridge I would so buy it again and again and again And I would still recommend it to all you guys It's the great product

It's packages come in different prices The little ones that you see on the picture are less than $5 Alan, Alan, come back to bed What are you doing? It's 3 in the morning come in different prices. The little ones that you see on the picture are less than $5. Alan, Alan, come back to bed. What are you doing? It's three in the morning. I'm just trying to figure out the grocery list for tomorrow. Like, basically what I'm thinking

is that we need to get the best craft they have. The singles are going to be there, and then I'll put it on the fridge. Because the thing is that I love the dairy taste of it all. I love how silky smooth velveteen it is. I love to put it on breakfast cereal. Alan, Alan, Alan, honey.

Grab your shoulders hey it's it's okay i i breathe breathe yes i know you love it but no no no no no no no no no no no there we go let's go back to bed we can finish the grocery list in the morning okay okay they get back in bed everything's normal for a little bit. And then she starts to feel the bed shake a little bit from his foot moving. I touch her foot with my foot. Alan, honey. Turn the bedside lamp on.

Alan, you gotta calm down. I'll get you some water, okay? Just wait right here. Go to the bathroom. Bring you back a cup of water. There's yarn tied across the room already, almost immediately to different clues. I dropped a glass on the floor. Oh my God.

They're calling it a cheese snack. What does that mean? Because it is silky smooth dairy. But I'm wondering how much milk is in this. I looked it up. Not that much. 10% dairy. Alan, holy shit.

Where did we? I didn't even know we had yarn. Deal with this in the morning. Actually, you don't even need to deal with this at all. We don't even need to buy craft. Just go to bed. i take my readers off you know how i told you that i lost my virginity to sharon osborne not the celebrity the one who went to my high school yeah the one who went to your high school i lied to you i was taken with and then by

craft with and then by craft. American slices to be exact. And the guilt has been weighing on me that I feel like I lied to you, even though I didn't outright lie. I just withheld information, but I think that's a version of lying in and of itself. And I don't want you to be jealous just because we always have craft stocked in the fridge because you know I love you and you know I would never cheat on you with a woman or with a cheese slice. So instead of telling me that you had the cheese like American pie, but with a slice of cheese. You told me it was a little more special.

You went to your high school. I have to know before I even get get one inch of myself back in this bed with you. We keep the house stocked. Have you ever? I mean, and in our own home. No, no, I. No, absolutely. I have.

I mean, I've thought about it. Do you love her? It's not like that. Do you love her? Yes or no? You know I love you. The fact that you even hesitated, that tells me all I need to know.

I don't want to throw away what we have. It meant nothing to me. When did it last happen? When you went to get me a glass of water i did self-complete with the craft american single but it doesn't take away from what we have what we have is love it's bonded forever well then what do you have what do you what what does craft american single have that i don't have is because she's single and american and i'm canadian is that what it is i mean yeah it is a little bit enticing to be

new and different. And to be honest, if you're being honest, I know that you haven't been fulfilled in the bedroom and neither have I. But I've been trying. I've been trying to make things work. I know. And I appreciate you putting on that orange hue robe and letting me fold you. And then that was sex. And I don't know how, honestly, I don't know how you didn't kind of put two and two together then that I was trying to make you be, for lack of a better term, a craft American single. Honestly, Alan, I think some part of me deep down always knew, but it was just too painful to come to terms with it. Don't say that.

It was easier for me to pretend that I didn't know rather than admit. My husband beds cheese. But I wedded you. Well, it doesn't feel that way. So I think we should take a break for now. Take some time apart just to figure things out. A break. Time apart.

I couldn't help but feel like when you said those words specifically, there was a little bit of a sexual tinge. You've been eating a lot of Kit Kats recently. It's just something to take the edge off at the end of a long work day. So is sex. Well, sure, you could say that about anything. So is a nice drink at the end of the night. So is, you know, watching TV.

But sure, I'll have a couple Kit Kats before bed. Whatever. You haven't said my name like that kind of lust in years. I think maybe you got gotta step off that high horse because I've seen some chocolate stains on the bed. And I didn't want to say anything because I had my own secret that was weighing on me. But tell me, have you been having a Kit Kat?

No, you do not have the ground to go off on me when you were going in on cheese. How do we fix this? All right. Clearly, we both lied to each other. Clearly, we've been searching elsewhere for validation. What do you need to feel loved? I just...

Do you want me to break off a part of me? No, don't say that, Alan. I want you for you. Because I can give you a break. I can break you off a piece of my own back tooth. No, I don't want that alan i want you for you because i can give you a break i can break you off a piece of my own back tooth no i don't want that i want you i married you and yes i made a mistake i i had a well the kit kat had me and the craft was folded just so Can we leave that behind and start again? Knowing now that there are some parts of us that we didn't know we wanted. I think we can try.

But there's one thing we have to do first. Candle lit all throughout the room. You break off a Kit Kat. I pull off a Kraft American Slice I fold it just so And you start fucking it with the Kit Kat Credits roll Turns out

They have each other And we have us I love you honey I love you more should we go to be euthanized for that right like what is wrong with us what is wrong with us it is it is 12 30 on a tuesday it's the worst time of the week and and we're talking about fucking Kit Kats and cheese snacks. I already have my what shook me.

So Elizabeth is home after a month away. So happy to have our little girl back. And yesterday around dinner time, Daniel and I are sitting talking and Daniel just goes, oh, I have a present for both of you guys. And we're like, what? Daniel goes into the front room, comes back with a small package and we're like when did you get this and he's like and he's like i have been targeted with this ad on instagram over 600 times and he's like and it finally finally wore me down all right and daniel's like the last person in the world to be like i saw this on instagram yeah i just bought

it um and he's like and i got two because i know that we'd all want to like trade off and use it and e and i were like what is it like we really had no idea what it could possibly be yeah but the man knows us the man knows us quite well i'm forgetting what they're called but he got two i'll be right back i'm just gonna i going to show you and grab it. Okay. Hold on. Here it is. It kind of looks like a thing you use to de-shed a dog or a horse.

What the hell is that? And it is called Uproot Lint. And the bag has a quote on it that says, it's so good, I can't put it down. And so what you do. So Elizabeth and I fucking love satisfying things like ASMR, but not like ASMR, but like, you know, like the, uh, the, the, I'm forgetting what it's called, but it's like the greens of the flower foam. It's like, if you're, if you're putting flowers into a foam, if you're like, uh, and then

you crush it with your hands, like the green stuff, if you look up flower foam, it's like, if you're making a floral arrangement it's like you put it into this green foam and when you crush it it's amazing so we love shit like that um we love like cleaning videos like deep cleaning videos power washing so daniel saw this and basically you rake it across rugs and carpets and it gets all of like the um kind of like it lifts everything up everything that you couldn't get with a vacuum immediately it also gets like a lot of material from the carpet that like has been worn off anyway so it's like you basically shave off a layer and it's like new carpet we did this for like two hours yesterday it was shocking how immediately when he opened it up elizabeth and i were both

like oh fuck yeah and we just like we cleaned the entire carpet in our living room i immediately did it in our bedroom our front entryway we've been saving that because we're like oh that's gonna be good and so then it's like we were all taking turns like daniel started and then like can i try and then elizabeth's doing and daniel's like oh wait can all taking turns. Like Daniel started and then like, can I try? And then Elizabeth was doing it. And Daniel was like, oh wait, can I take over? Like, it was shocking. It was as if like a dad, like he's like, how do I make chores fun and keep them entertained?

Like Elizabeth and I were doing it for a long time. And Daniel literally made me a drink while I was doing it. Elizabeth had a drink. And so that was like our night. We were cleaning our rugs and we would like look over each other, be like, oh, you got a good spot over there. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Look at this. Look at this. And it was it was it was amazing. It was amazing. I couldn't recommend it enough. Uprootland. It's fucking incredible. I can't wait to do the front carpet today. It's it's unbelievable. We should we uh email the ad team and try and get them to sponsor

i would fucking love that yeah it's it's really it's correct the quote on it it's so good i can't put it down absolutely right absolutely right insane uh i'm so happy for you thank you it was incredible um outdoor table i we have at my house we have an underutilized back deck it's just empty right now it's big and we just like I am there sometimes I used to work out there before I started climbing again

but now it's like George and Justin my roommates never come down back here because they don't come in my room really and there's nothing to do back here and I think in like three hours we're getting an outdoor table from Target. Amazing. That I'm going to have to probably assemble by myself,

which is fine, but very excited about that. That'll be so cool. Oh my God, that'll be such a nice space to have. And to hold. And I think we're going to start doing brunches and dinner parties. So you should come and bring an app. I would love that.

If you have any carpets or rugs that you need. I think I'm good on the carpet lint roller. It's not a lint roller. It's much more than a lint roller. Actually, it's not sticky. It's like it's. It's a rake. It's a rake.

It's essentially a rake. God, I'm so happy for you. But that's like that would be the worst gift ever for me. Jeff, it's unbelievable. You have to go over and try it. You have to try it. You have to try it. Okay, the next time I'm over, I'll try it.

It's amazing. You can follow Jeff on Instagram at Jeffrey James, and you can follow his verified ass on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee. You can follow the show on review at review reviewReview on Instagram, at ReviewReviewShow on Twitter, and r slash review review on Reddit. And you can follow Riley

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speaking of, thank you to our VI podcast, Aaron Carrico. Aaron, no jokes here, Coogan. Adam Neushatron. Agent Michael somebody once told me the world is

gonna roll me a co in the key of well gee alan my potty humor isn't crappy alex witt all of our wallstrom lindell anthony amadeo bob and the code bule does actually work on manscape for 20 off i got a sponsorship for 99 questions. So yeah, that's amazing. Hell yeah. Use that one. Brad Hilde. Brian Dodd.

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completely off book here our least our absolute least favorite VI podcast every week I stare at the profile name box and I freeze I'm not funny or creative enough to come up with a good name. I don't know. Fancy Octopus. Gabriel Castaneda. Gray Sarfo. Yeah, I'm married. It must suck to be alone, Jeff. Greg Virg. Hallie, hashtag, I stand with my twin Gray. Hashtag, I love you, Eric

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Lauren Melang Lord Hunter the Grey Maggie Anderson Malik Mark Priest Matthew Lizama Michael Abegel Mr. Tuesday Night has some big, big news for my fellow VI podcasts at the Nexarty, so don't miss, you bitch.

Let's make it a specific time that he cannot make it at. Perfect. Nate Porteous. New patron. Nolan is canceled for what he wrote here. I can't even repeat it, but it's too far. I mean, you need to take some time to reflect, Murph. Nothing sometimes will be the next host of the HeadGum Podcast, like soon.

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it goes. Maltese style. Like the bird or whatever. The Lego inside Grandpa's ass. Somebody please help the nose it goes. Maltese style, like the bird or whatever. The Lego inside Grandpa's ass. Somebody please help me get it out. That was what I was cracking up while editing that one. He died as he lived. Lego human coming down the aisle. No fucking way.

No fucking way. These vagabond nudes are longing to, well, stray. Xander Madsen. Yaro Bouchard. Yasmin david thank you guys all for subscribing at the highest tier we can't thank you guys enough uh for your support and we'll see you guys again next week if you'd also like access to bonus content of all shades and sizes patreon.com forward slash riley and jeff uh but if not we'll see you guys again next tuesday cheese nice that was a hit gum original Riley and Jeff. But if not, we'll see you guys again next Tuesday. Arrivederci! Cheese! Nice!

That was a Hiddem Original.