Review Revue - Lids

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss horrible hats, shopping mall feuds, and bachelor parties gone awry.Check out The Headgum Podcast and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts:Apple PodcastsSpotifyFollow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Make me want to go out and steal. I just want to. So you've sung at Carnegie Hall before

And I've never done that But I do feel like I just earned my spot Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? Physically? Practice. Okay, because I was going to say you could take the ACE, I think. Yeah, but no, the whole thing is like, oh, practice, practice, practice. So it's Saturday.

It's Saturday because I'm sad as shit. Of always. What's wrong today? Today, it's just kind of like an amalgamation of not a lot of sleep, you know, bad diet, pad tight. You're drinking coffee at four yeah i'm having a an ice cold brew cafe style canyon coffee and i'm i'm not wired off of it that's the issue because i only slept like six hours why so this is bringing me to net neutral

why well because i thought i was gonna get lucky right in so i was like maybe some? So I was like, maybe some, yeah, maybe. You know, you never know when, how it's going to happen. Obviously COVID kind of throws this weird wrench into the works, but I don't know, like a vixen could fucking knock on my door at any fucking second and I could be ready. And just so I kind of fluff myself every weekend, every day. So like I'm ready to go. Every weekend, every day.

24-7. Absolutely, absolutely. So I'm up and I'm on one on one and then when i wake up it's sort of like you know most people have morning what i have morning like crying sessions so and it doesn't rhyme it's just so you're saying like oh it could happen any second any time that like used to be true but i feel like now with covid it is weirdly it has to be planned in a way um for a day so you know maybe get tested uh for std and for covid um make sure i did both make sure that uh you know your partner isn't seeing anyone else if they are you know so it's just like i think there are steps you can take i don't think at this point

a vix sorry vixen you said a vixen vixen yeah a vixen a siren siren sorry well no you said vixen so i guess you could say no a vixen or a siren i'm saying it could be either fucking one don't yell at me don't get mad at me any kind no i'm not i'm not i'm not yelling i'm calm i'm calm i'm happy um i would just like to say my phone's never charged, which it isn't, today we're good. Oh shit, it's at 2%. Yeah, that was such a fast jump. You must have every app open.

Hey Jeff, what's new with you other than you not having sex? Well, that's not new. I appreciate you thinking it's new, but for me it's kind of like a swing and a miss every time um yeah what's new honestly nothing i've been i'm still playing a lot of guitar uh trying to look around my part we're still playing switch we're playing we're carting it up we're experiencing the goat and woke heart feelings every single day yeah you well you do it like every other day like you've joined no. No. Oh. I join maybe, like, once every, like, three days or maybe once a week. Well, it feels like you're there most of the time.

Marika and Amir are always carding every day. For me, I think it's probably every other day. Amir is really good. You've gotten really good now, which I don't like. Yeah, you and Daniel used to dominate, and now you're middle of the pack. And it's, like, really really not it doesn't suit me daniel truly just embarrassed himself on mount wario the other day it was i was sad like i wasn't even having a good time i think i came in third i just beat him at the last second i think

i keep i keep getting marika at the very last second i don't know if she's gonna listen to this but shout out marika from Hedgum, New York. If you are, apologies, I guess, but it is a lot of fun. I'll hold a shell behind my back and get her at the last second and pass her. That's brutal. Even if it's sixth and seventh. It doesn't have to be first as long as I beat Marika. Amir changed his name to Cardi B.

K-A-R-T-Y B. He used to have one of the most popular Twitter accounts, I think, on Twitter. And now he just posts videos of him winning or losing badly. He's changed. What's up with me? I'm so glad you asked. I was going to. No, it's like, I'm really glad you did.

What's new with you? What's new with you? Oh my god, that was so organic. My birthday is in two weeks do you think anybody's gonna do anything for it or are you kind of left to your own devices um i know that i'll probably come and do a little distance din with my family at their house um and then i don't know i'm turning the big the giant the most important birthday to four 24 is huge right it's like it's that's like

the birthday that everyone's like whoa holy shit you're turning 24 okay wow because like 20 21 is drinking age 23 is jordan year and then like 25 is kind of big because your mid-20s 30s big 24 is nothing my golden birthday happened when I was three. Your golden birthday? Like astrologically? No, like, you know, golden birthday. It's like Daniel just had his golden birthday. He turned 27 on the 27th. Oh.

Mine happened when I was in diapers. This one will, you'll also be in diapers. Well, yeah, but for different reasons. Yeah, it's a serious medical issue. Yeah. So, yeah. What are your plans though you said that you wanted to maybe do a zoom uh i know i want to like i just want to have a little maybe have like four or five friends distance hang in my backyard like all separated by eight feet um and also have a party where i invite like 90 people. No, don't do the second one.

Even the first one's kind of pushing it. We'll see. But yeah, I remember like when quarantine started, I remember thinking that's like, oh, we'll be long done with this by the time my birthday rolls around. Yeah. This little Gemini was too optimistic, me thinks. The lady doth smile too much, me thinks.

But you know what? Today's not my birthday. Today's not your birthday. Today is Saturday. Yeah. And we're talking about Lids. Lids. The Hat Store.

I don't know if I mentioned that. You hadn't. Neither of us had. Until just now. Before we get into the reviews, we should plug our, I guess our other podcast. It's not really ours, but we're on it frequently. It's one that we are featured on. The HeadGum Podcast.

The HeadGum Podcast. A HeadGum Podcast. It's a new HeadGum Podcast called The HeadGum Podcast. We listen to HeadGum podcasters. Podcast. On HeadGum. It's sort of a company happy hour that you're all invited to. So it'll be like the staff of the network and other podcasters maybe dropping in later on.

But there's two episodes up right now with you and me, Jake and Amir, and no one else. So you are invited to it, but in a way you're not because like you're not necessarily invited to like be on the show. But you are invited to like, no, but you said they're invited. And it's like, don't say that because they're invited to listen to me they're not invited to like be in it right no they're supposed to like have a drink with us and act like that we're all hanging out together because those are my favorite types of podcasts well right but so you're imagining that someone were to hang out with the four of us and we wouldn't acknowledge their presence we wouldn't ask them any questions we wouldn't let them talk just like it's just to try to bring joy to people it's just to try and

make people feel less alone. So many people are alone right now. I'm so here for that. I'm just saying, like, don't, no, I,

you're right. Also, we'd love to, we are trying to solicit audience feedback on what they'd like to hear, any potential segment ideas. So either DM me,

or Riley, or HeadGum's Instagram, orgpod at headgum.com for the HeadGum podcast. Not review review because it's already perfect. What? Review review is already perfect and nothing needs to change. I mean, I guess I would welcome other segment ideas for this one too. Nothing needs to get better. Nah. Nothing needs to get better.

What the fuck was that? Don't make that noise. Nothing this one too. Nothing needs to get better. What the fuck was that? Don't make that noise. Nothing can get worse. Nothing. Your house shopping. So what do you guys think about this one? Do you like it or? What?

You know? So it's a no? What was that? I couldn't really tell. No, it wasn't a no. Well, okay. It was a no. So this one is a newly built spec home.

So it doesn't have a lot of character, but it is a smart home. It has a lot of amenities. Is this maybe what you're looking for? I mean, I think it's pretty clear. I think we all are on the same page about no. That's another shirt. Jeff, we're talking about lids. Lids, the hat store.

The store for hats. The store for men. No. Men. Men. Men. Check. Check.

Check. Check. Check. I love a chant in a sketch. But yeah, Lids. What's your experience with Lids? Lids. So I don't think I have ever been in a Lids. I've walked past to and fro.

Coward. In front of many a Lids before in my days of hanging in the mall in high school and not necessarily buying anything. High school, middle school, just kind of walking around on a group hang or a date. What was the guy's name? Michael Tranche or something? Michael Douglas. No, you didn't go on a date with Michael Douglas. It was someone else. For the purpose of the story, name? Michael Tranch or something? Michael Douglas. No, you didn't go on a date with Michael Douglas. It was someone else.

For the purpose of the story, it's Michael Douglas. So Michael Douglas and I would walk around the mall and kind of- See a lids? See a lids. And walk on by, maybe smell an Auntie Anne's. Would you get a sample or are you like dainty like you only eat salads? I would just smell it. Jesus Christ. So you said that with such conviction. So yeah, never been in a Lids

I guess it's just you buy hats. It's just a hat like a cap store. It's a cap store. No cap. Yeah, it's like walls lined with hats. Ballpark Dad Flat Brim Snap Back. Ballpark dad. Flat brim snap back.

Ballpark dad. Lids is a store that makes the booty go hat. Take that. Buy me a hat. Lids is the store that makes the hat go hat. Take hats on a rack. Lids is the store that makes the hat go snap. Oh, that's good.

Or makes the cap go snap. Oh, that's really good. Take hat, put it on a rack. Lids is the store that makes the cap go snap. We have to do this where I'm twerking and you're Little John. No, I'm dirty rye. Dirty rye, but I mean like you have grills. No, yeah.

So Jeff, any experiences with with lids the the place that make the cap go snap so i used to okay this is kind of a long walk to get there i'll make it as short as possible i used to yo-yo competitively i think that's kind of a thing that most people know if not that's fine and don't remember it but everybody at contest it's not fine everyone should know this about me everyone at contests would have a cool hat you basically the uniform of a competitive yo-yo is like a black tee skinny jeans crazy red shoes

and like an interesting hat and if you were sponsored the uniform of a competitive yo-yo also just the image of being like yeah so at competitions so when I was at the comps I was actually at the Ohio Midwest Regionals. At Regionals, Glee style. I actually almost was sponsored by Dunkin'.

I met with a guy. No, Dunkin' Yo-Yo's. How was I to know? How was I to know? That's the leading yo-yo company. Even people who don't yo-yo. How was I to know? I've already digressed enough.

Everybody wears hats. So I was like, I got to get a hat. Where do you get a cool hat? Lids, I guess. So I went down to the Beachwood Mall and I was like, well, I have to be different. I have to be interesting. Lids, I think they still do it, but they definitely used to at least let you custom make a hat on a screen and they print it in a burger.

I think they still do that. So I did. It's black. It's a flat and they print it and embroider it. I think they still do that. So I did. It's black. It's a flat brim. And this is 2009. Flat brim, black with pinstripes like the old Orlando Magic jerseys or just any suit. And then contrast brim. I forget what color it was.

It was either white or like neon Nike green. And then embroidered embroidered in script fully spelled out was los angeles in bright neon green and i was just like oh this is cool because california is pretty cool to me to have you weren't even living in california you just like the idea of Los Angeles. People in Cleveland can back me up. I think everybody who was raised in Cleveland just wants to live in LA.

They don't care about New York. We don't care about Chicago. It's LA. Baby. Los Angeles. It's like in Big Fat Liar when he's like, this here is a little place I like to call Los Angeles. I just like to imagine you at that competition somehow do a trick where you spin the yo-yo and it spells out Los Angeles in places. And everyone's like, yeah.

The thing is, I mean, it's a nice party trick, but I was bad compared to other people. Like, I never placed. That makes me want to cry. Just little Jeffrey in a zoo York tee with his Los Angeles hat. Like really like doing it and then not pleasing. Go Jeffrey you're doing it.

That means you want to cry. I was having so much fun I don't need your pity man. People were actually pretty cool. Okay enough of this enough of this soft shit. We're here talking about fucking hats. Just relax. We were having fun and you cut it off.

Well, I was trying to. It takes work for me to have fun. You started last week. Oh, no. I just threw up coffee. Ew. Really? I swallowed it back down.

Like a cat. Puss in spats. I do think it's cool when people call people cats. Especially, like, I mean, you pretty much can only do it if you're a jazz musician. But I like doing it. It's like, oh, man, like George Saba. Oh, that's one funny cat. It's so forced when you say it.

You sound like a narc. No, no, no, no, no. No, it's like, so we're let's just say we're at the office when it reopens and we're just like oh nicole byron yeah she's a funny cat sorry she's she's one of our biggest uh podcasters she brings in the biggest amounts of money she's a funny what she's a funny she's a funny cat she's a cool cat she makes so much money like daniel's dad is a jazz musician and like when he says it it rolls off the tongue it's like he's been saying it for years so it's what is it about me saying it that doesn't feel natural like okay oh like so what do you do for a living i'm like oh i actually do this podcast with uh one cat, Riley Anspaugh.

That feels natural to me. It's like butter. With this one cat. Oh, yeah. One of my good buddies, Jeffrey, man, he's a cool cat. I'll tell you that much. Even that sounded, I mean, that sounded pretty good. Try and say it like genuinely

Like it's just part of how you talk Okay then you ask me like a question You're setting up at a show You're waiting for me to get there And the bartender at the venue is like Oh so what do you do? What's the show for? Oh it's a comedy podcast

I do it with one of these She's a comedian, Riley Ainspaw She's actually one of those comedy cats and uh actually do you know where thomas is because i actually i think he's the manager of the venue and he's actually a pretty cool cat i actually met him he was one of those like old school cats she's a pretty cool comedy cat that'd be like my thing in the cat none of this has sounded off to me i think it doesn't bump for me it tracks really like yeah man it tracks tracks you saying he's a cool cat not always cool it's just like oh jazz cat or like oh that's one bad cat i think it's like the way i've heard it is

that it's like yeah i was playing with a with a couple cats down in uh down in new orleans yeah yeah new orleans like that sounds more New Orleans. Like, that sounds more natural than be like, yeah. That sounds more catural. Like, Jeff's a cool cat. Well,

you're putting a lot of emphasis on it. So like, if we say, it's you, me, Jake, and me recording the HeadGum podcast, and then I go get drinks with somebody later,

and it's like, what'd you do today? Oh, I was with a couple of cats over at HeadGum, and we, we were, we were waxing idiotic. No, you can't say it unless you're a jazz musician. You simply can't.

I don't know, man. I mean, we're at a fucking impasse here. We're at a crossroads. We can either go forward with the show, or we can end it here. I couldn't tell if you were doing a bit and saying, like, oh, it feels natural. It doesn't bump me. Does it feel right to you to say? No, not at all. That was just for the sake of the bit okay then i'll start so i'm i'm

riley ann's i'm dirty rye i'm talking to cool cat jeffrey james thank you i'm one of those cats i'm one of those head gum cats jeff is just one of those head gum cats it has to be where it's like there's you have a reputation because like it's people be like oh like i was playing with a couple of those new orleans cats and then people are like oh I know that I know what their style is it's a little bit of a snapping on the on the downbeat you know what I mean so for like if somebody's like oh I was over with those head gum cats what would it be like just making stupid food puns their style is snapping on the downbeat yeah anywho let's get into lids so I have the both of my reviews are from the same lids because they all the lids i

looked up only had maybe like five to six this lids had like 21 reviews um and this is for a lids in san diego california los angeles united states yeah it's just san diego california okay here we go here we go here we go from brandy c people say brandy you're a fine c her last name stands for course course it's course oh course not horse course i thought you said brand stands for fucking horse c c as in horse. O. A. R. S. E. Brandy. Of course.

Of course. Okay, Brandy Course. Two stars. April 23rd, 2014. Two stars. Here we go. I like Lids as a store in general, but this location is just okay. They do have a good selection and they are in an easily accessible area of the mall but the store is small hard to reach most hats and

the staff put off a vibe that they don't want to help you i expect more from customer service at this mall since they're a predominantly high-end mall but you always have a few bad seeds you'll always have a few bad seeds and i really like to imagine that all of these malls Are like in competition with each other Someone just walking through In a tall man outfit It's clearly two people standing up on top of each other Excuse me

Where's the general office for this mall? You're gonna go to second floor Okay do you have an elevator? I can't do stairs I can't do stairs It's hard on us Yeah we have an elevator It's hard on us. Yeah, we have an elevator.

It's just kind of down that corridor to the right. Walks into the general office. Are you Mr. Oakley of Oakley Galleria? I am. Sorry, did you have an appointment? I got a message from the general. They open the coat, shoot him with a fucking paintball gun.

Next time, think twice before developing a $250 million retail complex. They walk out smoking a cigarette. He follows them as it was just a paintball. Hey! Who the fuck are you? Wait, no, come back here! Okay, we weren't expecting this. This is a confrontation shit. Um, what?

What do you want? What the fuck are you talking about? Did Alan Smith send you? Did Alan Smith send you? Did Alan Smith send you over here to harass me? Yeah. Yeah? Okay. Well, you know what? I have a message for Alan Smith.

Cut to them in Alan Smith's office. Are you Alan Smith? Yes, I know you guys. I sent you to harass Mr. Oakley. We've got a message for Mr. Oakley. They opened the Duzzer and Jane Paul Cup. Oh, my shirt. We do have to take a break.

Thanks to Marty for this newest ad deal. Everybody go shower him with praise. Everybody go give Marty a shower, but with compliments. Sorry, we're gonna to take it again.

There's not a pause there, because otherwise people might stop listening when you say shower, and they're going to go spray him with a hose. All right, we'll take it again. Go. Everybody go give Marty a shower, but with compliments. Cut. Again, that one was worse because you actually hesitated. You weren't sure.

I got nervous. You can read the lines, by the way, because you're in the booth. Okay. All right, whenever you're ready. Everybody go give Marty a shower. Cut, cut. Not you a shower. You're supposed to be a narrator.

All right. Again, whenever you're ready. Marty a shower. Marty a shower. No. Shh. Cut. So, sorry.

No, I know what that one was. Read the words. I know what that one was. I know what I did wrong in that one. I know what that one was. Everybody go give Marty a shower, but with compliments. Cut. All right.

It's not good, but we'll use it. No, I can do it better. No, because we're about to go into overtime, which I know is what you. Everybody go give Marty a shower, but with compliments. We were recording, but that was the best one. You weren't recording that one? One more. No, we cut.

One more. If you can do that one exactly, great. One more. Here we go. Ready? Everybody go give Marty a shower shower bye with compliments all right that's it um let's fucking go home and we're back um my review is four stars of the lids at the Glendale Galleria. And I won't apologize. Four stars from December 27th, 2019.

From Dan H. Dan Harbinger. Dan Harbinger? Yeah, but you have to say it like, Harbinger. Dan Harbinger. It sounds like the Warriors chant. Warriors. You did that so cool with the headband on.

Warriors. All right, so I'm at the DMV, and I'm like, you asked me for my name for the forum. Oh, it's actually, yeah, it's Dan Harbinger. How do you spell that? Just Harbinger? It's H-A-R-B-I-N-G-E-R, and it's pronounced Harbinger. Is it pronounced Harbinger?

No. Don't write that on the form. It's Dan Harbinger. How do I write it like that? It's supposed to come across in the font. Okay. So just kind of make it a little fun, a little squiggly, a little italicized. Okay.

What's your name? My name? When do you get off? Sorry, name first and then I'm going to ask you out. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm going to. Four stars from Dan Harbinger.

This is a bald man's paradise. I have tons of hats. I love to represent my teams. Go Celtics, go Patriots, go Red Sox, go Bruins. I love buying my championship hats. Lids has been supplying me for over a decade now, and the modifications they're able to make to all of my hats really separates me from the bunch.

I noticed the favoritisms each Lids provides to local sports teams. At times, it is difficult to find a wide variety of hats for opposing teams. That would be the only drawback from Lids. The average price for each hat hangs around the mid-30s after tax, for those interested. Lids plays favorites. Sorry, plays favorites? What are you... Like, what he's saying is that if I'm in Indiana and I'm a Patriots fan,

I'm not going to see any Pats hats next to the Colts lids at Lids. Are you going to buy anything? Are you browsing? You came in here. You didn't even look at any hats. You walked right up to the front counter and started yelling at us. Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I just have a couple questions.

My nephew, huge Patriots fan, am I able to get him a Patriots hat at this hat store? Yeah, there's two versions of it over there. I mean, if you don't like those two, I'm sorry, but we do have them. It's just, I don't know if it's what you want. We do have, yeah. We have tons of Colts stuff.

We have tons of Colts stuff. Well, yeah. Well, I'm not asking for Colts stuff. I'm sorry to be rude. It's just like, it's Christmas Eve. I really need to get. Yeah, it is Christmas Eve, so you'd think you'd be a little bit. What are your favorite teams? Do you have any favorite teams? Are you for Colts stuff. I'm sorry to be rude. It's just like, it's Christmas Eve. I really need to get. Yeah, it is Christmas Eve. So you'd think you'd be a little bit.

What are your favorite teams? Do you have any favorite teams? Are you a Colts fan? Are you a Patriots fan? I'm not a big sports person, but I guess I like the Pacers. You like the Pacers? Okay. So that's basketball.

And we're talking about football. You asked what sports teams. You didn't ask what football teams. I guess I kind of like in this town, I meant football. What do you mean in this town? All right. What? What do you need? Just what do you want? Fucking Christ. I'm sorry. It's just, I meant football. What do you mean in this town? All right, what? What do you need?

Just what do you want? Fucking Christ. I'm sorry. It's just it's been a crazy holiday season and I feel like I haven't been able to connect to my nephew. You think the hat's going to connect you? From your attitude, I don't mean to be rude back to you, but it feels like maybe it's because you're rude to your nephew. You have an abrasive tone. You didn't give me any room to redeem myself.

You came in here being mad. What, well, what do you think of, what do you think an 11-year-old little tyke would like in a lid? I guess I could custom embroider something for him. I don't know how big of a sports fan he could be at this age. That's great.

But we can make it say anything. Yeah, what do you want it to say? Anything? You can say anything on there? You can say anything, be whatever color you want, whatever font. Oh my God.

Okay, let's do that. Let's do the little, let's do the Patriots symbol my god. Okay, let's do that. Let's do the Patriot symbol on there. Okay. And then under that, can you write, Hi Jake, it's me, Mark. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. That's already too many characters. I would love to spend more quality time with you in the new year. It's not a card.

It's a hat. It's not a card. You should get a card to say all that, and the hat could just be the Patriot's hat. The hat could say anything. It can say anything, but it's like 14 characters max because of the space. Let's do one hat. We're gonna do hi Jake and then we're gonna buy a couple hats so you see where this is going. We're gonna do hi Jake, this is Mark.

I wouldn't be happy to do that because I'd have to do it all right now and then you'd have to be here for about an hour. Have you ever received a really good gift? Have you ever received a really good gift that's like oh I'm gonna remember this for the rest of my life? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, my wife has gotten me some things that have really meant a lot to me.

Yeah, and what were they? Like one of them was a picture book from our trip to Greece. It was our honeymoon. And little did I know that all the things that she was taking on her camera would be like printed out on film. Why am I telling you this? It was very touching. But it's nothing like that, what, 12 hats you're going to have to buy to say this message. He's not going to wear any of them. Because because each one is gonna be a fragment of a sentence

right one of them is gonna be like have you and then another one's gonna be like looking forward to like it's gonna be horrible just get the Patriots hat and then we have cards you can just write what you want to say to him in the car this is I really don't mean to be that guy can I you're already that guy can I talk to your manager i am the manager okay manager imagine imagine someone's saying to you hey manager one of your employees doesn't want to sell 14 hats i hear that as manager let that let that sink in as a manager i'm trying to give my nephew the christmas of his life fine i'll start embroidering the hats what do you want it to say again just let me write it down and then you can go get a pretzel or something while i do hi um hey you it's me mark i hope you have a merry christmas and i can't wait to spend more quality time with you in the new year i know that your parents divorce has been really hitting you

hard yeah as i'm writing this out so far your parents divorce is going to be on one of the hats that's all that's going to be on it. But go on. I know that your parents' divorce. Yeah, can you let me know what's going to be on what hat, actually? I'll just point out the horrible ones, yeah. So far, your parents' divorce is the worst. Is hitting you hard.

And I just want you to know that being a bachelor myself. Being a bachelor myself is going to be its own hat. Go on. And I understand the plight that your dad is going through. That's another one. The plight that your dad is going through, just embroidered onto a hat in Patriot's colors. So if you ever need a member of the fam bam to talk to,

know that Mark is only a 25-minute drive away with no traffic. 48 if we're in rush hour. Yeah, there's some kind of computer glitch, but all of the last things that you just said fit onto one. So it's, what did you say? It's gonna be a long road trip? I don't even remember.

If you ever need a member of the fam bam to talk to, know that Uncle Mark is only 25 minute drive away. Uncle Mark is only a 25 minute drive away with no traffic is one of the hats. I'm looking at it as we speak. I think that's it. I think that's all I want. Yeah, that's going to be $450.

I can make that happen. What's your name? I don't think I ever got your name. My name is Travis. Travis, thank you for being such a good sport. I'm really sorry. You know how it is with Christmas Eve and last minute present shopping. But you have no idea what this present will mean to Jake.

I don't know. I don't think so. But why don't you cut to christmas jake opening the present all right jake this one's uh this one's from me thanks uncle mark um oh uh this is uh a bachelor to be oh uh shit i should have had him there's there's when you open the rest of them it'll make sense Oh all 20 of these boxes are mine Yeah From you alright And you didn't put them in order

I think I thought I think your mom must have moved around Just remember Uncle Mark is only a 25 minute Drive away without traffic I think your mom might have moved I came in here I put them in the order that That they were Do you even wear divorce my parents divorce i

don't wear hats really yeah you don't know me at all also you're not a 25 minute drive away you're only a 25 minute drive away because you're staying at the park hyatt downtown while you're in town you live states away so this this hat's inaccurate it's verbose i hate it i know you're going hey jake it's it's uncle mark I know that you're going through a lot. I don't want to talk to you about it. I don't want to talk to you about it. Also, that's what the hats say, huh? The hats say what I could never say.

I'm really proud of you. Why? Because you're going through a lot. You're the son I never had. I don't want you to be a father figure to me. That's not how I view you or our relationship. You just got me 20 hats that say what a card should have said. Also, my parents are like

You're so verbose for an 11 year old. I've had to grow up fast. I mean, my parents are going through a divorce. I've had to be a father figure to my sister. Not that you are. I love the hat. Whatever. Whatever gets you out of the room. The hats are great. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. Whatever gets me out. Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll see you New Year's. No. I go back to the store. I hats are great. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. Yeah, okay.

Maybe I'll see you New Year's. No. I go back to the store. I see you're carrying a lot of boxes. It's a no return policy on custom hats. You're not going to take any of them back? Absolutely not. Obviously not.

So many of them are just conjunctions. One of them is just its. And that's, you know what? No, no. You know, I go into Mr. Oakley's office. Who are you? I'm someone you're going to want to know. End No, no. You know what? I go into Mr. Oakley's office. Who are you? I'm someone you're going to want to know. End of the episode.

That's the tag. Your next review? This is another one from the San Diego one. Yeah. This is from Abby R. Ready or not. Abby, ready or not. This is one star 2013.

I should have read the review prior to going to the store to buy a hat. Called first to make sure they had what I wanted. I got a coupon from Google offers. And when I went to purchase the hat, the clerk took the coupon, ripped it up and said it was expired. I didn't get my five dollars off that I was expecting. And they were making rude comments about the team hat that I purchased. Never again will we go to Lids. This is a poor representation of a corporation.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're saying that the coupon expires tomorrow and it's actually valid? Can I see it? Can I just see the date? It says right in the corner there. Now it's a coop not. Oh, come on. Why did you do that?

Everybody cracks up behind the counter. My man. What? I really wanted to use that to buy the hat all right my turn my turn to bully the guy all right um nice fucking clippers hat my dude my dude all right my turn to bully her my turn to bully her why are you doing this 2007 called they want their braces back my man all right my turn my turn um you look like the kind of person who'd go to a water park she totally does right my turn my turn um hey nice clippers hat um what is it what do you um i don't i don't get how to do this guys i don't know how to do it all right yeah you guys why don't get how to do this, guys. I don't know how to do it. All right, yeah, you guys,

why don't you go check the inventory? Sorry about him. Wait, what's his name? I want him to ring me. Oh, that's Traven. Traven? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, can you bring Traven back out?

Hey, Trav. Yo, what's up? Sorry, by the way, about not roasting you right. No, no. I can't do it like these guys. I just don't have that bone in me. I just wanted to say that I noticed that you were different, and all these guys were really taking don't have that bone in me. I just wanted to say that I noticed that you were different. And all these guys were really taking turns basically spit roasting me.

And, you know, talking about my lame hat and my braces and my water park demeanor. And I just wanted to say that it's like it really stood out that you didn't take part in that. Really? Yeah. I mean, it was, it's like just couldn't be more clear that you're not like part in that really yeah i mean it was it's like just couldn't be more clear that you're not like those other guys you're a little bitch with nothing to prove and you don't know how to roast roast an ass oh she got him dude they lean over the thing dapper up you look like you go to summer camp as an adult oh he totally does he totally

does he brought a fishing pole to work yeah yeah and you you you wish you had braces but you were born with naturally nice teeth but you never got to have the before and after effect that made all your friends look cool so you made up for it by by uh by chewing a lot of gum. And it was stupid. Oh! Everybody in the store are like tossing hats off the rack. One guy jumps back, gets caught with everybody. Traven's like, that one wasn't really even an insult.

You just said that I chewed gum. I said it was stupid. And Traven, like, that one wasn't really even an insult. You just said that I chewed gum. I said it was stupid. And Traven, your mom called. She said she wants the best years of her life back. Oh! Raising you was boring for your mom, dude. Somebody pushes one of the racks over, and it's a domino effect. It lands on a kid.

None of these are even really good insults, guys. I mean, like, I'm not even offended. Oh, hell, hey, Traven, you know, something, someone makes me really sad about you is that your shoes look a little snug. Yeah, I think my feet have grown a little bit. Whoa! One of the hats catches fire. No way! Puberty much, man?

People are ripping their hair out. Somebody's giving a traditional Japanese pinprick tattoo to himself. Saying boom roasted. Oh, Traven, you are so bad at roasting you eat thanksgiving dinner turkey raw everybody stops that one wasn't really good man oh no i mean um you look

like you got bees in math we didn't like that one either no travin's like fuck talk much oh my! My man, dude! Everyone in the store starts throwing up. Somebody douses her with lighter fluid and lights a match. Wait, wait, no! Traven, you're a little coward.

They rip their face skins off like Indiana Jones. Oh! Yes! We're all loving it. Trav and Daps are up. They put a fire-resistant blanket on her. The fire, the five o'clock news. A tragic story as eight very strange individuals

die in the lids in what appears to be a purposely lit fire. The only hat that remains, a custom hat that was somehow returned with the words, your parents divorce. The full story at tonight at 11. I've got one more short review.

Julia B. of Alids in Cleveland. Julia, be our guest. Be our guest. Be our guest. Put our service to the test. Tie your napkin around your neck, Sherry, and we'll provide the rest. Soup du jour. Hot hors d'oeuvres. When we only live to serve.

Try the gray stuff. It's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes. They can sing. They can dance. Yeah, I got furloughed today. I got furloughed.

After all this. I got laid off. So, well, kids, honey honey i appreciate the show at dinner um we're in a bad spot so i'm in a lumiere costume i i think i'm gonna go eat dinner in our bedroom the kids are teapots kids why don't you why don't you go change and get ready for bed is daddy okay yeah he'll be he'll be fine. Just go brush your teeth and I'll be in there in a minute. I'm trying to usher them out with my candle hands. The dad is hunched over on the end of the bed, head in hands. You just feel a thud on your back. It's a candle.

We're gonna be okay. You never think it's gonna happen to you. I know. I know. And I just want to let you know, I love you no matter what. And we're going to be fine. I still have my job. And we'll just make that work for a while. I want to be able to get things for the kids and for you. I want to buy you fucking Broadway grade Lumiere costumes.

I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. And that's why I love you so much because you give, you give greens, greens, nothing but greens, parsley, peppers,

cabbages and celery, asparagus and watercress and fiddlewoods and lettuce. He said, all right, but it wasn't quite because he got furloughed today. Yeah. I mean, that's exactly it. Maybe, don't know i mean you think you could ask your parents

for money these dad may have some more oliver oliver never was there a boy has been born can you yes cynthia can you no be serious serious. I mean, just if we could just get... Serious. Less of a Marilyn Moore. I'm just really... You know what? I can absolutely ask my parents for some money. I think it might be better coming from you. It's not even just about the money. I'm just... I'm bummed that I lost the job.

I mean, to be working within the CIA and to be in the room with those people like... No longer in the room where it happens. Would you please stop? Please stop. I'm trying to have a real conversation with you, okay? I mean, I have to write a letter. I have to write a letter to my boss and just be like,

hey, I urge you to reconsider sincerely me, you know, Todd. I'm really trying to be here for you, but you just threw such a low ball at me. Just do it. You look so pained. Just do it. You looked so pink. Just do it. Sincerely, me. My sister's heart. What the hell?

My God. That was good. This one's Julia, be ready or not, or whatever you said. Be our guest. No, it's Julia and then the entire lyrics to Be Our Guest. The entire bit. That was all her last name. Yeah, all of that we just said is that one's last name.

Yeah, so Julia, Be Our Guest, and the whole thing, furloughed. Yeah. On my birthday, 2005, three stars. Lids has a lot of great hats for guys. I mean, I can't say I'm the hugest fan of this store because I don't buy hats. But they have a lot of hats relating to sports teams and other guy type stuff. You're going to a bachelor party. Hey!

Hey! Benny's here! Yo! What's up, Benny? What's good? Yo! Yo! Yo!

Did you get... Hey, hey, it's me. The, the, the, um... Best man. Best man, yeah. It's so crazy. I keep forgetting what I'm called. Um, did you get, did you get Alex?

Dude, I got the stuff. The present? The stripper is ready. She's gonna come get Alex? Dude, I got the stuff. The stripper is ready. She's going to come out of a box. I got the drugs. I got the booze. It's going to be a crazy weekend in Vegas. Got the hats.

Had to have the hats. Had to have the hats. There's too many hats. Actually, I didn't get either of the first three things, but I tried. I got hats. You got hats. I figured we could, for all of us, for mostly Alex, but like for all of us as like a bachelor weekend thing. So it's like men, men, men on the hat.

Yeah, I mean, I asked you, the invite was like, just get some, you know, Alex is such a man's man. Just get him some guy stuff. Yeah, guy stuff. So I tried to get meat, but it was a little bit too expensive because of how much I spent on the hats. The hats was the first thing I did. And A, it took so long because they were all custom.

And then B, I kind of ran out of the budget that you gave me. So I wasn't able to get... I gave you like $2,000. I know, I know. So it was $20 for gas, $15 for lunch at the mall, and then the other fucking $1,960 on hats. And so I couldn't afford the dancers. I couldn't afford the booze or the drugs or the...

I think we do have the room in Vegas, though, the suite, right? Because that wasn't included in the... Was that included in the budget? Was I supposed to book that? That wasn't... Well, you were supposed to book that. Kira, can we... Sorry.

Alex, I'll be in there in a second, man. No, you keep... Hey, you keep chugging. Everything's ready to go. We got everything. Strippers, booze. We have all of it. No, come here.

Your dreams are going to come true, man. What? Benny, come into the hallway. Come here. What? What the fuck? You spent $2,000 on hats? Why are you so mad? You to come true, man. What? Benny, come into the hallway. Come here. What, dude? What the fuck? You spent $2,000 on hats? Why are you so mad?

You haven't even seen the hats. You haven't even seen the hats. We don't have a place to stay in Vegas. We don't have any dancers. We don't have any booze or drugs. We don't have anything to make this weekend great. We don't even have a place to stay. We don't even have a place to stay.

I didn't fucking know. I thought you booked the room. Why was it on me? You're the best man. I sent you the email saying, I have a lot on my plate right now, and i need you to book this for me what the fuck did you spend how could you spend two thousand dollars on hats every hat is thirty dollars and i got like fucking 80 of them i got 80 hats because i thought that we were gonna invite like you know baddies up to the the suite i thought that there was gonna be dancers you thought there was gonna be dancers but you didn't

book the dancers even though it was your job to book the dancers. I've never partied, alright? That's what it is. I've never partied. I don't know how to do it. I thought hats was kind of like a way to get on the same page, and that everything else would fall into place. Here's one of the hats. This is one of the hats. It has his face, and it's surrounded by a circle, and in the circle, there's different catchphrases

that we've kind of said, quotes of the day, that are in my notes app. So this one says, oh, can't do brunch unless the wives wives are here with the winky face and that was a text that you sent to the group chat and that's on the hat and then i have this other one and it's like oh time to go hunting boys and that was back when we were in college and it was about it was kind i mean it's kind of misogynistic looking back at it but you know we were looking back at it you know people like attractive men and women's asses because you know we're all pan and that's another one of the hats we're all pan and it's it's it's it's chris's face in an egg

cracked into a skillet and then there's kind of one that is supposed to be worn by someone sitting next to whoever's wearing that hat and it says try not to ham it up and then it's it was supposed to be a a pig but it ended up being a chicken they misheard me on the call and then there's another one that says oh no shortage of chicks here and then it's it's a honey baked ham on that one so i think they mixed up what it was supposed to be these are kind of awesome right i feel like we don't even need to party like because i don't because a i'm scared to and then b it's like we don't have the to party because A, I'm scared to and then B, it's like we don't have the money. Cut to them giving Alex some presents before they go.

Okay, dude, as your best man, I kind of arranged some things to happen. All right. No, let's fucking, let's get over it. I want to get to Vegas. I want to get to Vegas. I know.

I, as your best man, I love you so much, dude. You're my brother, right? Right. This is especially from me to you. It's the hat. The hat? The hat. Um...

Yeah, alright. I made this... Yeah, I mean, I'm looking back at Benny. He hates it. He hates it. It's fine. It's fine. He hates it. Look at his face. Look at his face. He doesn't hate it. He doesn't hate it. Look at his face. He doesn't hate it. I hate it. I He doesn't hate it. Look at his face. He doesn't hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I can hear you guys, and I do hate it. Let's go to Vegas. It doesn't matter. You know what? It actually, no, actually, I was kidding. Benny spent $2,000 on these hats and didn't get us through in Vegas, didn't get us girls, didn't get us booze, didn't get us drugs, didn't get us anything. What are you, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Didn't get us anything, didn't get us anything. He actually, he doesn't even like you. He thinks that you marry him. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. He thinks that Clara sucks. He doesn't even want you to marry her. I want to your throat. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Didn't get us anything, didn't get us anything. He actually, he doesn't even like you. He thinks that you marry him. That's not true, that's not true. He thinks that Clara sucks. He doesn't even want you marrying her. I want to your throat. Shut up!

It's not true, Chris. It's not true. He's like, hey, guys, guys, guys, stop. I told you I was going to plan everything. Everything's set. You didn't have to do any of this. You didn't have to book the room or anything. I mean, if you want to bring alcohol, that's fine.

But, like, I got us the suite. My brother-in-law is like, he owns the Bellagio. Or he's a partner in it or something. I don't know. You didn't have to do the hats. But, I mean, at least the hats, like, obviously this couldn't have cost much. So I guess we all agree that Benny doesn't have to come today. What?

No, Benny's, like, my best friend. The only reason you're my best man is because Benny said no. I look at Benny. I lunch at him. Kill me! I look at Benny I lunge at him kill me Benny longs for death shall we do it? yeah

this should be our home I made a TikTok like you asked. Yeah, should we watch it live? I haven't watched. Oh, I watched the first one. Here's what shook me.

I made a TikTok, the one I promised. And then I made two more. You did. What's your TikTok handle? Is it just Riley Anspaugh? It's just Riley Anspaugh. And it's like, I know it shook me last week, but the fact that I've made them now,

it's shook me up in a different way. All right. I'm just going to do the one that you posted. Here we go. So your face is morphing in and out of Al Pacino's face because you do look like a female Al Pacino. I know. This is insane. Thoughts?

It's a solid 3.5 out of 5. Come on. Actually, I'll give it.5 out of 5. Come on. Actually, I'll give it a 4 out of 5. Fine. You look dead inside. It looks like something really bad happened to you right before you did this. Probably. Also, how did I miss this photo of you as a baby with your mom?

Which one? You look homeless, and you're like three months old. And then the next one is you guys in like great suits. What a glow up for both of you so just really quick what shook me all week long was not tiktok it is the book three women fantastic read i did this is like a very earnest what shook me all week long it's an amazing book i'm like 80 pages in uh recommended by friend alissa yoffie um it is a non-fiction work it's just it's just amazing.

Go look it up. Just go look it up. It's incredible. Like, when I'm not reading this book, I'm thinking about reading the book. Did you finish it, or are you still working on it? No.

That's good, at least. At least it's something to work on. I have nothing to do, like, other than HeadGum stuff. I find myself, especially on the weekends, with like, well, now what do I do? So that's why I cart every day.

You all right? No. Hmm. Because you're also like surrounded by loved ones. I've invited you over for a distance hang. I'm scared. Really? Of course.

Hmm. Here's the thing. I need, I'm going home in a few weeks. Oh. So I want to, I just am trying not like to limit any risk before that. And then after that, I'm going to go balls to the wall. I'm going to go where people are sneezing. I'm going to go to the ER.

I'm going to go to the OR. I'm going to go to the OR. Sing it with me. I'm going to go to the OR. I'm going to go to the OR. I'm going to go to the OR. I'm going to go to the OR. Yeah, I'm going to go to the OR.

Yeah, I'm going to cough on my body. Yeah. People are holding you back in a waiting room and you're singing that. I'm gonna go to the O.R. I'm glad you're carting.

I have that goat cart feeling and I have that woat cart feeling. This is dumb, but I can't think of anything else. I've been collecting

Grateful Dead tapes for two years now, which if anybody's familiar with the Grateful Dead that's kind of what every deadhead does like because there's people who like were there and they recorded the shows you know back in the 60s 70s 80s 90s and so

it's just this whole catalog and you can bid on them on eBay for cheap and listen to these shows that some of them are already on Spotify but a lot of them aren't and some of them are better recording quality than others. Like the best ones are the ones that were plugged into the soundboard or near the soundboard. So anyway, I bought a tape deck last year because for the longest time I didn't even have a tape player.

I was like, oh, I'll get one eventually. I'll find one and get a deal on one. And so I got one and it didn't work at all. Oh my God. And so i was pissed and me and my friend harry tried to like fix it when he was visiting la last year nothing doing uh but i i finally got um a tape deck i got a nakamichi 480 which is a pretty good japanese brand nice um and i got it on eBay, and it came last Saturday, and I've been listening to those tapes. That's been bringing me joy.

But it was a pretty lethargic week. It was not productive for me. Maybe this week will be better. Maybe this week will be better. Who knows? If it isn't, I'm gonna quit comedy. No, come on.

No, I really am. Okay, that's fine. Wait. Thank you guys so much for listening. Social. I'm riley quit comedy. No, come on. No, I really am. Okay, that's fine. Wait. Thank you guys so much for listening. Social. I'm Riley Anzva on Instagram. I'm Riley Coyote on Twitter. And on TikTok.

No, I'm not. Yeah, Riley Anzva. No, because I don't post them anymore. No, I just watch them now. You posted three times in a week. That's pretty frequent. And now I'm over it. No, now you're going to keep doing it.

No, I'm not going to keep doing it. What if it hits? It's not going to hit. Okay And now I'm over it. No, now you're going to keep doing it. Because what if it hits? No, I'm not going to keep doing it. What if it hits? It's not going to hit. Okay. So I'm done. Well, there was that New York Times article that was like, oh, like these Gen Z influencers are like creating influence houses. So I texted Riley yesterday.

I was like, I'm moving into your place and we're going to be influencers. If I hit 10,000 followers on Instagram by the end of June, Jeff and I will become influencers. Like we'll change our habits and become influencers? Or you think that having 10,000 followers makes you an influencer? No, we'll change our habits and become influencers. All right, all right. And any sponsored ad would be great. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Anyone. Doesn't matter what. Agreed. And speaking of greed, my Instagram's IamJeffreyJames. Twitter's Don'tPlayNoJames. And that's all I have. And we have Review Review on Instagram.

At Review Review. R slash Review Review on Reddit. It's popping off. I think we have 300 people now on there. There's some funny memes and stuff going on. So don't miss out. Listen to the HeadGum podcast out every Friday. There's two episodes out now with us and Jake and Amir.

Good morning if you haven't seen it. And I think that's it. Have a fun Memorial Day. Or that was yesterday. I hope you had a safe and fun Memorial Day. Are you cool cats out there? Keep listening to the show. I was actually, I ran into some of the Earwolf cats.

And the cats over at Earwolf. And Aukerman was there. And he was playing hot sacks all night long. All right. Adieu. Should we do another weekly challenge? Like last week I challenged you to make a TikTok do you want to challenge me to do something I challenge you

I gotta do something that makes you feel vulnerable and silly because that's how I felt making a TikTok so I challenge you to, I want to say post a singing video.

That's what I'm going to say. No way. Obviously no way. Why? I can't sing earnestly. Yes, you can. Can I story it or does it have to be a post? You can story it.

All right. This is fucked. I have to do it on my own? Yeah. If you do it on my own? Yeah You don't If you do it with me I'd be way more comfortable I did a TikTok on my own

That's so different Everybody's making TikToks Nobody's singing Everyone's singing on TikTok Okay fine Okay fine Fine fine Screw that

Screw that No I'll do that I just I'm not gonna be happy It's perfect Cause I hate it You can Okay Post an earnest singing story. You don't have to do a main feed.

Do you want me to pick the song? You pick the song, but it has to be earnest. You can't make it a bit. Can I at least be like, this is a challenge from Riley? Yes. All right. Fuck. Damn it.

You can hear in my voice and see in my body language That I hate this Fine, I'll do it This is insane Thanks so much guys, I guess I'll sing on a fucking Wednesday This week So look out for that Arrivederci Chives

That was a hate gum podcast