Review Revue - Medieval Times (w/ Geoffrey James!)

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Reilly is joined by Alf and Geoff on her 200th episode of Review Revue.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

If she wants to do improv all night, well, there's no one that can stop her. She's going till the better help ads stop, or if Trico stops buying ad space, this show is gonna end Better help at stop, or if Trico stops, buy in at space. This show is gonna end. When they're damn well ready for it to be over. Wait all week long, now the podcast is playing for my ass. Yeah, we download the show on Tuesdays, and then we get a good laugh. You're getting mixed up with some great guests

You're getting mixed up with some weird bits Sometimes the improv takes you places that you didn't really plan on going When people see the podcast in their feed She knows what they're thinking She keeps on making those episodes People see the podcasts in their feed, she knows what they're thinking She keeps on making those episodes As if the people making reviews gave her any other option, you know They don't know nothing about what shook me They don't know nothing about Arrivederci

Some people just aren't the type for improv or comedy No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to do improv. No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast. No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to do improv She's got a string bowl removed She's not made to be out in the sunshine You know that LA weather ain't gonna get any less sunny You reach a point where there's not

a lie in the world that you could use to make Alfred believe you're not 29 yet They keep getting younger don't they Riley She's not waiting for Jeffrey to come over and ask for the job

back She is still making the cocktail that she started For Jeffrey to come over and ask for the job back. She is still making the cocktail that she started during the last May's RT. You know, there ain't no Rashid proposing to her at LAX. And she doesn't care. No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to do improv No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast no mother ever dreams

that her daughter's gonna grow up to do improv no mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to start a podcast this is like Lou Reed without the charisma sounds like shit but he doesn't have like a

you know she wouldn't change anything for the world. I'm sorry, Tyler. It is ultimately four minutes and 20 seconds long. Play the whole thing. 200th episode, you wanted that? Did you listen to that at all before we recorded? No, she didn't prove shit. You didn't want to find a great one?

That was a great one. That was a great one. That was a great one because I never proof him before anymore because I want it to be the real live reaction. And by the way, yeah, Tyler, you're kicking off episode 200, baby.

That was that theme song ultimately was from Tyler. I just want to, I need to read the email. Yeah. Guess who's back with another poorly sung theme song. That's right. It's Mr. Sambi.

This time around, I took a song about a woman who has spent her youth partying as has found herself an aging, lonely drug addict and made it about Riley. You spelled my name wrong in the email. So against me is thrash. Unreal became Spa Unreal. The voice is bad, the lyrics are mean, but the instrumentals are good because I didn't touch those.

Oh, thank you, Tyler. Alf, there's someone here with us, and I'm not talking about the cat. No, I'm not talking. If we're in audio medium, you can't bring up... Health has a black cat

puppet on his hand, which will not translate at all other than you just doing his voice because no one can see it. I wanted to do something special for the episode. But no one can see it. But you guys can. It'll come across. Not really. I've seen the tail and the ears.

And they do a different voice. Anyhow. That's just the Mad Hatter. We have Alf's weird cat puppet. And we also have our founding co-podfather himself on this special bicentennial episode. Jeffrey J. Don't call it a comeback. Is that because I'm brown? Is that because I'm brown?

Is that because I'm brown? And you think Amir is the real Jeff? Because he said Amir. And Amir sounds like a brown name. No, it was more like just trying to nag you a little bit. You know what I mean? Make you feel like you're not important or special.

That's worse. I think that's actually worse than racism. It was the cat. No. The only differentiating factor is that it wasn't the cat because you didn't do the voice. Oh, shit. Or like you want to be better.

I don't know if you would have... It was only one word. It was just the word Amir. Maybe that's how the cat would have said it. No, the cat wouldn't. That's how the cat would have said it no the cat wouldn't that's how the mad hatter would say it Jeffrey and Alfrey

it's episode 200 can you believe it this is episode 30 are you fucking kidding me I thought that Alfred was gonna say something as far as I'm concerned. But instead it was in silence. Episode 30.

This is your 30th episode? No, this is the 30th episode. No. Longest 30 years of my life. You know what's crazy? I am the only one out of the three of us who has done 200 episodes of this show. 85%. That's a B.

I'll take a solid B. 170 episodes. So I guess this episode's about... Well, me. Because I did 200 episodes. Isn't that crazy? So what are you saying? You want us to celebrate only you on this episode?

Yeah. Not like how the listeners and how it's like we wouldn't be at episode 200 without people listening to the show and how much joy and laughter it's brought us. Oh, definitely not them. That was never in question. I meant between the three of us. Between the three of us. Because we sort of pushed it over the finish line of 200, right?

As a collective effort. Really? I think you have to consider kind of an MVP kind of thing. Where it's like, who, which of the three of us? Stop wiggling. Kind of thing. Which of the three of us? Okay, so I have to be honest about the wiggling.

My roommate sold the chair I normally sit in today. And you're on an exercise ball. So I'm sitting on a yoga ball. No, it's a stool that I'm not used to. And my, at the sake of being crass, you know it's different for my ass um um I also just want to point out really quick this doesn't affect anybody except for me but it is we're in a heat wave in Los Angeles right now it affects half the country why does no I'm saying for what I'm about to say is that I am already it is like not even five minutes in this, I am already dripping with sweat.

Swamp ass, yeah, swamp ass. I'm already swamp ass right now. Let's see that ass. Let's see that swamp. No, I'm not going to show my ass on a Zoom. You said audio medium. You said nobody would see Alfred's puppet. So why can't you show us the stains on your jeans?

I'm not wearing jeans. What are we doing here? You're not wearing jeans. Alfred's in doing here? You're not wearing jeans. Alfred's in jeans. Jeff, what's your life been like since the last time you guessed it on this pod, which ultimately was we force it upon you when you were stuck in a room for 24 hours. Yeah, how'd that herald edition go? By the way, so this feels like the first time I'm truly back on the show.

Life has been a whirlwind. I've been twirling my gams from hither to there. You've been twirling my gams from hither then to there you've been twirling your gams? so I've been walking in a way where like both my legs have been trying to create a perfect circle I'm good actually but thank you roadrunner style let's talk about it yes

things are fine okay Alf what's up we moved on so fast from my update. You said you've been walking Roadrunner style, and then you said things are fine. Riley, I'm... So I didn't feel like...

There was literally nothing that I could grab onto and be like, oh, let's speak more about that. Riley... There's literally nothing I could say. I think I know how to crack him. I'm gonna make some pretty good small talk really quick. Here we go. Okay. I'm averse to it good small talk really quick. Here we go. Okay.

I'm averse to it. He literally is. What have you eaten recently? Ass. He was gonna say ass. I knew he was gonna say ass. Okay, what have you been anywhere fun? Down under.

You went to Australia? I went down on some people. God. I'm fine, Riley. Yeah. No, because we moved on so fast from my update. Okay. Alf, we saw each other last week.

We did for like 30 fucking seconds. It was the first time we've seen each other in person in a year. Can I barge in here right here? I feel like you were in Wisconsin for like what in a year. Can I barge in here right here? I feel like you were in Wisconsin for like what? A year? And you couldn't even make one full night to be with Alfred. Instead you stopped by his place on the way

to O'Hare. That's literally not what happened. But if it had been what happened, Alfred would have been like that's what I'm saying. No Jeff here's the brutal twist Jeff. I was also in happened. Here's the brutal twist, Jeff. I was also in Wisconsin. At the same time.

At the same time. And we still didn't do it. We literally were able to cross over in Chicago for 50 minutes. Yeah. Wait, so sorry. Just so I can get it all right. Alfred, you were in Wisconsin. For a wedding, correct.

For a wedding. Riley, you were in Wisconsin. For a wedding, correct. For a wedding. Riley, you were in Wisconsin. For Daniel's family reunion. Yeah. An event. Is that why you guys didn't see each other in Wisconsin? Because you were at a wedding and you were at a family event. In different places in Wisconsin. And it's not that you were indifferent.

It's not that you weren't different to see me. We were not indifferent because we literally, like, I told Al how I was going to be in Wisconsin. He's like, oh, me too. And we're like, we tried to make a plan. We're like, oh, it's not going to work out. Yeah. And then I texted him because I had two extra days. No one cares.

No one gives a shit about how we plan to see each other. I think Jeff might. I'm kind of interested. I think Jeff might. Ultimately, like, I texted him because I had two days in Chicago that I didn't realize I was going to have. Okay. And I texted Alpha, I'm like, are you in Chicago?

And he's like, why are you there? I thought you were leaving on this day. And so we were able to. Why did you lie to me? But you waited until the second day to update him and- Yeah. No. Okay.

No, it's not what happened. And then can we talk about the infamous Instagram comment? What sort of thing that has torn up the fabrics of a loving relationship between me and Alf? What was the Instagram comment? Well, okay. So Riley did Instagram you guys in a room. Uh-huh. Yeah.

There was no furniture. Right. I'm moving. I'm moving. I made a cheeky little- Is that it? Because I didn't know that was no furniture. Right. I'm moving. I'm moving. I made a cheeky little, is that it? Because I didn't know that it was that.

Yeah, I'm moving out. That's it? That's all it is, is that you're moving out. What did you say? I was worried that you didn't want to spring for it. I was worried you didn't

have the cash, and I was wondering if maybe the ad split was being, that Riley was lying to you about the ad split. Maybe you weren't getting 50%, maybe you're getting

like 4%. Let's be very clear, I'm getting my whole 50, and I don't have a couch anymore so you can interpret from that what you would like guys speaking of go to betterhelp.com

speaking of lack of funds turning into more funds double the fun even for 200 episodes we didn't ask how your week was oh it's because no one ever fucking does on this show. I just fucking was trying to. I've only had one opportunity.

It's been consumed by Alfred's floor plan. For Alfred's fucking sake. My week was really nice. Wisconsin was lovely. It's gorgeous. We were up in Door County. It's just beautiful. Any curds?

No curds. But we did go to Al Johnson's Swedish restaurant, which if you know Wisconsin and if you know Door County, Wisconsin, it is a Swedish. Door County has a very large Swedish population. Okay. And there is a Swedish restaurant called Al Johnson's, and it has a grass roof.

It's an A-frame roof, and there's goats on the roof that graze on the top of the roof. That's cool. And it's Swedish, so they're famous for their Swedish pancakes, and so we went and we got those with a lingonberry jam, and that was really fun and lovely. And now we're here. I moved into a loft.

Because your update was really cool, so I wanted to kind of get my update. Didn't you just move? I moved last year. Isn't that always the case? Yeah, but- Everyone loves that I move all the time. All the time.

Didn't you literally- But it wasn't even a year, was it? Wasn't it, like, last August? It was last August first. So, right. So it's- Not even a year. So you were only there for, what, 11 months?

What difference does that make? I signed a year lease. I saw it through. Did you break the lease? No. So you paid double rent in July? For half of July. Somebody's out splitting.

We're talking about medieval times. Yeah. Emphasis on the evil. We didn't really give the loft the whole kind of deals. Are you loving your apartment? I'm very excited to see what you've done with the place.

I said it was a loft, but it's kind of just a studio. Does it get hot with the heat wave? Yeah, it gets hot, but I have AC and so. Is it on right now? Alfred, you said you were moving. You haven't left the new place?

No. Because this is the same room with the- Yes, no, we're just selling all of our furniture. Can I recommend a linen curtain instead of the- I need these. These are blackout curtains. all of our furniture. Can I recommend a linen curtain instead of the burgundy?

I need these. These are blackout curtains. It was this or black, so I had to do it. Because the problem is that my apartment, these windows, they face due west.

Actually, due west. So kind of counterintuitively, when the sun is setting... This is such a small complaint. We're talking about medieval times. But when you say do in any direction, don't let there be a huge pause between do and the direction because it makes whoever you're talking to go like,

which direction was it? Which sounds like you're telling a good story in a good way, but it's actually just like edging. No one's waited on bated breath for a direction. East, west, fuck. I can bring the cat back if you'd like. We're talking about medieval times, because when you think renaissance, you

think the bicentennial episode of the comedy improv podcast review. I've never heard of that. That has never happened. Which in its own way has had sort of a renaissance, don't you think? That's what I was going to say. I knew you were going to say that. A rebirth if you will. Yeah. A bouncing baby boy.

Guys, what are your experiences with medieval times? The entertainment restaurant facility. Now I know Jeff knows. Has some. What did you just say? Now I know Jeff has some. No, you said now I know Jeff

knows have some. Now I know. Now my nose knows that Jeff has some. Now I know. Now my nose knows that Jeff has some. You just seem like, you know. Jeff, I feel like you did not like it as a child or as an adult. Loved it as a child.

Hated it. Really? I've never been as an adult, but as a child, I went to the one in Orlando, Florida, right? Oh. Did you have a good time?

Can I finish? Is this one of those shows where the hosts talk until you introduce the guest, which you didn't? I did introduce you. I literally said the co-podfather. Now we're all getting angry. I like when just I'm angry. Medieval Times, I went to the Orlando one. And what they don't tell you is that you don't have a choice in who you root for.

There's no agency there. You actually sat in a certain section. They don't tell you? What's that? No, they don't tell you is that you don't have a choice in who you root for there's no agency there you actually sat in a section what's that no they don't tell you what do you uh not have free will no he's right they don't tell you they do assign you to and they've got a gun to the back of your head you can't root shut up no I'm just saying what are you gonna do you're gonna like what a scab your section I think that scabbing is actually rooting for the people that they're telling you to root for. Jeff has a scab on his elbow. Because I wrote for a show. Don't tell anybody. No, I fell down a flight of stairs.

How many? Not that many, like three. Too many. Still a flight. You should get sat in a section. Really? I don't think three is a flight. You have to get sat in a section you really i don't think three seasons not a flight you have to get sat in a section and then you have to root for that night and so i was sat in

the red section and i was like i'd like you get given these goblets these fucking chalices right yeah and so i was like i was acting you know you have to eat with your hands yeah turkey legs chalice goblet corn so i like led a toast for the whole fucking section. You led a toast? Hang on a minute. This is true. Cucumber off the dome. What's that?

This was all improvised. This was the beginning of honestly review, review. A story career. I was eight and I like lifted my goblet and I was like, to the red knight. Holy shit. And the whole section was like yeah it was kind of like

every bit we've done on the show where like the crowd just goes with it for no reason yeah and everyone else is like what the my whole family is like what the fuck is this how do you start chants this easily and uh that was the highlight of my my life well I've done

some shit what about the fucking uh January ice or whatever it says what was that sorry have you been to a medieval time I've never been um really that's that's surprising that's more surprising than Jeff enjoying it as a child you seem

like you had like if they could be season passes yeah to medieval times you seem like you'd be first in line buddy. You put me in a tricky situation here because what I don't want to do is besmirch the good name of people who have season passes to medieval times

Is that a real thing? No way. You're asking the wrong guy. I mean I don't Just if I can like hop on this because I think you're exactly right. I also think not only that she also kind of puts you in a box here. Right And I don't mean on guy. I mean, I don't. Also, Alfred, just if I can, like, hop on this, because I think you're exactly right. I also think, not only that, she also kind of puts you in a box here. Right. And I don't mean on Zoom. I mean, like, she doesn't allow you to be, like, what if he does like at Medieval Times?

Right. What if he never went? It can be. I'm saying that's fine. When I went as a kid, I fucking loved it, and we'll get into that later, but I'm just saying it's like, Alf, you, like, you're a fucking nerd. Yeah, I'm a nerd. You would have loved that.

No, but do you think you're a nerd, Alfred? Yeah, I mean, I... You do, okay. Look, I mean, I would definitely... Even if he didn't? Sorry, even if he didn't? Right. He does whatever mommy tells him to do.

Look, if Riley says I'm a nerd, I'm a fucking nerd, okay? No. Bring back the puppet, come on. I, uh... No. Let's see, wait. Let's see what...

Let's ask Mr. mistoffelees if he's ever been yeah i dropped it i'm trying to pick it up with my toes literally can't do it because i burned the fuck out of my foot um my foot this has been so much fun uh jeffrey games on instagram uh it's covered in bandage because i burned um so i've never been i was a theater nerd as a kid shocking to everybody um i'm sure i was also a theater nerd as a kid. Shocking to everybody, I'm sure. I was also a regular nerd. I did like the old comic book or two. We don't need a history.

Science fiction novel, if you will. It's fine. Science fiction. Alfred Barber. But no, I've never been. I think mainly because no one ever took me. I think it's the sort of thing where if anyone had ever suggested, hey, do you want to go with me?

All you had to do was ask. Would you go to one with me? Would I go to Medieval Times with you? We could have a turkey leg like Lady and the Tramp. Should we get into the review? No, I want to talk about... No, Riley, this is your out. Oh, no.

What's your fucking damage? Have you have you been in when and i went as a child uh because one of my friends was having her birthday party there and so it was like a group of gals going to the medieval times you get a gift buena vista california did you give her did i get a i probably Buena Vista, California. Did you give her a gift? Did I get a... I probably did. I don't remember what it was. But what I can tell you is that I vividly remember the smell. A lot of horses and it's indoors and it's very... It smells of horse.

I do remember sitting in my section, cheering for the night. Yes. Quick question. Your hand is raised. Yeah, quick question. You said it was indoors. Yeah.

They happens? What? I thought all medieval times were outside. No, they're all inside. You're thinking of a renaissance fair. What do you mean? What's the difference?

Difference? What? Are you kidding me? Is this real? I thought medieval times was just kind of like a brand name. Yes, right. For a ren fair renfair no no for a what it's a

whole show what do you mean it's a whole show where you get dinner this is what the show has come to he didn't do any of his own research like the country bear jamboree when the vaccine came out i did all research myself you didn't look up medieval times you're lying you're fucking lying this is so fucked up i'm fucking not bro that's fine oh my god 200th episode the wheels are falling off as we stumble across the finish line that was the guy this sucks i just medieval times it's like a dinner theater. And it's in the round. It's like this big oblong dinner theater where you go and it's all just like sand.

Oblong, that's a great word. No. And it's like, it's a bunch of horses and it's like there's the king and the queen and the knights are jousting. It's like you watch jousting, horses do tricks, there's like an evil wizard. I've never heard of this. And you're in, this is unbelievable alfred you're sat you're sat in seconds we were talking about renfair no we're not talking about this is how it's going wait so explain this to me or is it i literally am trying and you should interrupt

no no i get that i get what you were saying. Hey, no, hang on a second. One second, actually. This is unbelievable. This is one second, actually. Thank you for explaining. No, you're not proceeding with reverence. You're not treating her with respect at all. I would like to listen more than I talk

here today. You've dominated the discourse. And that being said, follow us on the HeadGum Discord. I want to say, are they extinct? He's good at plugs, though. Are they extinct? No. And a lot of them are, the performers are striking right now because there's been a

lot of sexual harassment claims and animal abuse claims. I don't understand. Where are these? Alfred, while I'm explaining my experience with it, just fucking Google it. So when we do our improv, you know what the fuck we're talking about. No. I went when I was a kid.

Friend's birthday party. Smelled of horse. Reeked of shit, yeah. I do remember having a crush on one of the knights and the knights being very charming. Now Jeff's raising his hand. He's like, oh, it was indoors? And we're going to do this whole thing.

I don't remember seeing their faces or hearing their voices at all. I was at a Chippendales. As a kid. Yeah, that's what I was really worried about. I was actually really worried about that. No, I remember they have their helmets off and they talk a little bit. Yeah, there's sort of a narrative on the day. I'm learning. But yeah, but I am, I am, as I was looking up reviews, I did see that there are sexual harassment claims

and animal abuse claims, which makes me very sad on both accounts. Um, I do remember the food. I remember it. I remember it being very cool. Like as a kid, I remember being like, Oh, it's like, we're really in it and eating with our hands and doing the whole thing and the cheering. And I remember thinking it was very fun. and i have a vivid memory of like one of like our family friends coming into town uh from the uk and staying with us for a little bit i must have been like nine or ten and my younger stepbrother and i so badly wanted to go to medieval times and we were trying to make it seem like a fun thing to do for all of us with this you know 40 year old visiting from London and he's like so what should we all do and we're like I guess maybe oh my god we should go to

Medieval Times oh my god is that like a local thing uh it's uh well local to Buena Park California um we could drive is that authentic to the American experience? Is that what you lot get up to? Well, yeah, in a way, yes. It could be. But I remember very kindly them just changing the subject and we're like so, sorry, so we're not going, okay.

Because we could, yeah. We could go to medieval times and eat turkey legs with our hands. What was that? We could eat turkey legs with our hands. What was that? We could eat turkey legs with our hands. Got it. Do you guys like turkey? I like turkey legs a lot.

Cool. Same. I like turkey cold cuts. More than the piping hot Thanksgiving meat. I think we should get into reviews. Turkey on Thanksgiving is bad to eat for sure. Can I ask? Dry, bad, thin, thick.

Actually, we should take a quick break. Alfred, yes. No, I'm embarrassed to ask. No, no stupid questions. I've made a fool of myself here today. No stupid questions. No stupid questions. I've made a fool of myself here today. No stupid questions. I genuinely lived these 20 odd years of my life. I can't believe you didn't know what this was.

And every single fucking time somebody said medieval times in conversation, you thought it was a Renaissance fair. I was just picturing a Ren Faire. I was like, oh, that must be just a Ren Faire. And now I look quite the fool. No, but you know what? If you didn't know what it was, of course you would think it was just another term

for the Ren Faire. Also, at least now you're having this revelation in front of like a thousand people. Yeah, exactly. F*** me. F*** me. F*** me. F*** me. I think we should take a break and then I think we should read some reviews and then talk about them and do some improv about them. Question. Why would we do any of that?

I thought we were just chatting. You're recording? Am I allowed? To what? To do mine? No, you're not allowed to do your review for Ren Faire. No, but they're basically the fucking same. What if I lie and say they're Ren Faire?

What if I lie and say I know what I'm doing? Take the break. We were on a break. We'll be right back. And we're back uh jeff do you have any reviews for medieval why did we wait a week why did you say why did you ended the zoom and then said are you free next friday what the fuck was that cool off because i have a review off i'm back not for the right thing and you've had i'm back and i feel a lot more grounded i I feel a lot less irate.

No, I'm... See, this is my voice. I'm really calm. I'm not pissed at Alfred. I'm really good. No, because this is the voice you do when you're like so angry on the surface and you're bottling it up. No.

No. No. That's not what this is. Would you be happier if... Don't ask this question. Never mind. Jeff, do you want to start with the review? I know you don't want to know the answer to it

I'm so calm and happy Five stars from Robert D This is of medieval times in Buena Park Robert Danger Robert Danger Five stars I probably wouldn't have gone to medieval times if I didn't have kids.

Right? Overall, it was a good experience, and I was quite surprised at a few things. We sat in the front, and surprisingly, there was no smell. You would think with all those horses in the show, it would stink. I did see them cleaning it up right away, and I do believe that helped. Also, of course you could tell the sword fights were fake, but you have to appreciate the time that was spent on choreography. To be able to hit metal swords together,

make sparks fly, and do it fast was very impressive. You eat the food with your hands, so don't be waiting around for cutlery. I had no complaints with the chicken. I ate the whole thing and was looking around for more. Right! Right! Of course!

Sorry, can you repeat the description of the fighting? Also, of course, you could tell the sword fights were fake, but you have to appreciate the time that was spent on choreography. To be able to hit metal swords together, make sparks fly, and do it fast was very impressive. Thanks. No Oxford comma, so I read it phonetically. And do it fast all right it's like if i owned this any small business and

had this five star review and a five star review from this guy i would be like it would be the only five star review i would be want taken off of yelp because it sounds like fake and I don't like that you're just stating the obvious all of that is what you expected to be it's I did I did see and now if you can chime in on this when you were looking up reviews for medieval no I'm not allowed you said I wasn't allowed no no no you said I wasn't allowed

because I got it wrong so I shut the fuck up because that's what you fucking wanted so so fragile I said you're not allowed to read your review what I was gonna say is that I saw many a complaint about the chicken

in the reviews I saw many complaints about the food and so for him to be like I loved it so much I was looking around for more. Don't wait for cutlery. They're not going to give you any. The idea that there's just somebody walking around going, cutlery. Cutlery.

Throwing florks at people. Sorry, I just, I need you to calm down. I am writing everything you're saying down on this intake form for the ER. What happened? Because you have a lot of holes in your arm. Yeah, I was at, um... I was at Medieval Times. And that's like a Ren Faire?

Yes. Can I... No, so it's actually have you ever been? Yes, no, have I ever been. It doesn't I don't need it for the intake. So it's basically like it's indoors

that much we all know and it smells like shit in there and it's really, really loud. What I'm trying to figure out is why you are bleeding profusely from your arm. Where were you at? Because I also might need to notify the authorities if it was any illegal activity. Was there any illegal activity?

Depends if you were illegal by today's standards or by my lord's code. Definitely by today's standards. I don't know what the second thing you just said was i only care about the current california penal code ah privy sir i believe uh i believe everyone was obeying the sovereign laws of this land blood is clotting on your forearm that shouldn't happen this fast oh are you in pain from one? Here's the chart. Point to the frowny face or smiley face that you're experiencing as we speak.

That one. Dead set in the middle. I'm so confused. So the pain is a lot or it's a little or you're not in pain. It's coming and going, my lord. It waves, as it were. Knock, knock. Sorry, I'm late.

There was a patient down the hall that was giving me such trouble. Oh, my goodness. That is so much blood. Well, don't worry. We're going to help you get all right as rain. Now, Charles, what do we got going on here? I haven't been able to nail it down, doctor. Nails?

Was it nail related? Is that why there's so many holes? Oh, Privy, sir, you gave me quite a fright with all your talk of nails. Yes, nails- You don't like nails? Well, it just reminds me of my experience. Which was what? Well, I was at the Medieval Times, like I tried to explain. Medieval Times? Have you been?

Oh, my lord, not only have I been, it is a place I am wont to go every fortnight. Charles, please leave us. This kind gentleman and I, we have much to discuss. Prithee, Chuck, leave us. I just don't...

Yeah. I don't know if I should leave because it feels like you have a fire behind your eyes now. He is bleeding out. I'm trying to figure out what's going on, and now you're talking in the same weird medieval talk that is he. We'll fetch the leeches then, Charles, for we not have much time. Oh, Chuckie! Tis but an imbalance of the

humors, my lad. So I'm my lad, but you guys are both my lord? How's that fair? I'm royalty. Charles, can I see you out in the hallway for a second, please? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm really sorry. No, you go. You go. I just, this is happening. He is bleeding, and we need to stop the bleeding. I put gauze, but he's soaked through the gauze. I don't understand why you're not more making haste

to use your guys' language. Thank you for doing that. No, sorry. No, this is very serious. And that was on me. That was a little bit of malpractice. I think I was just really excited to connect with somebody who was...

Oh, my lord! We'll be with you anon. I was just really excited to connect with somebody who has really similar interests to me. He's about to fall off the table. At this hospital, I feel like no one really gets what I'm into. You know, I keep trying to, like, make all these, like, group activities happen. And I feel like no one really cares. And so it feels nice to be, like, seen by somebody.

Have you ever felt that? I felt that for sure. I also want, I got into this practice, by the way, to help people that were in need. And I feel felt that? I felt that for sure. I also want, I got into this practice, by the way, to help people that were in need and I feel like I've done it. Yeah. Well, I'm in need.

I'm in need of some connection. Hey, hey, bud. Hey, man. My lord. My lord. Majorca. What? My kingdom for a tincture.

He needs a tincture. So what kind of tincture? You are bleeding. We're stopping the blood. Let me add some more gauze. Something for the malady. The malady of what? So what happened to you? Do you think... Are you up to date on your tetanus shot? And do you think that any metal that

you came into contact with that might have punctured your skin was infected or had any kind of mold or disease or river disease? River disease, you say? I'm trying to use your guys' language at the very last second, sire. Aye, yes. I do believe that there was a young lad in the crowd that looked rather pallid with the telltale signs of river disease.

In the crowd. Okay, we're starting to narrow it down. Also, I do want to focus on the fact that when we use medieval speak, he seems to be very lucid, and when I try to talk to him with modern day tongue, he cannot seem to even hold his body upright. So maybe you should talk to him. Prithee,

sir, speak more of this experience you had at the times medieval. River disease, you say? Do you feel the humors of your body turning dark i was twas begun as a normal night as any was was it were we were but alas a lack out in the field with the boys we were tossing rings i just found a ticket in his bag it was it's this thing called medieval times i guess it's different than a Ren Faire.

I didn't know. Hush, hush. No, this is like the thing we're trying to get out of him. Wait. Quiet now. Prithee, my lord, dost thou know a non where once can find the maladies for your remedy? So what I just told him was that it's like, we're going to help you. Don't worry about it. You said, where can you find the sickness that would help his medicine?

I do. Ah, pray. You don't get it. After in French, ah, pray. Ah, pray. Syrah, pray. Ah, pray. I do believe there is an old maiden what lives off I-90 who has a secret little passage wherein she keeps

tinctures of the sort that could be curing my ailments. Well then, let us bring you to her. Anon! Charles, get the carriage ready! We cannot discharge him at this point. We cannot. That's a hippo violation for sure. I fear oh, That's a hippo violation for sure.

I fear. Oh, I see no hippo here, but the hippodrome. Not a trope of medieval times. Where the horses race in the hippodrome. Was not trade routes to get that kind of exotic animal from Africa to anywhere that would have had a kingdom or mom. Charles, as your lord and sire, I order you to make haste and ready the carriage at once.

I am too sickly. You say you got into this field to help your fellow man. The carriage is an ambulance that will cost him $2,000 to go away from the hospital. Chuck! Which insurance definitely won't cover.

Chuck! Chuck is a modern nickname for Charles. Charles is the medieval version of that. Indeed, Chuck. You go and fetch my tincture and a lord knight you can be.

I don't care about becoming that. I am gonna go replace myself with a different one. Cares not for being a lord knight! Ha ha ha! Heard everything I have. He seems fine when he talks like this. Why? Charles, can we go back out of the way for a second?

Again? Another time? What? So, just to translate for you what's going on. I know exactly what's happening. Oh, so you get it. No, I don't understand. How about we wait here, and you ready the Oh, so you get it. Okay, so if you go... No, I don't understand. How about we wait here. We wait here, and you ready the carriage. Sorry, the ambulance.

Fine, fine, fine. Cut to him down by the ambulance. Hey, it's Derek, right? You're Melanie's friend. I think we got drinks once. Yeah, you were... Oh, sorry. Sorry. You got drinks once. Yeah, you were at the... Oh, sorry. Sorry. You went to trivia one time

right? I was there at the very end, so if you don't remember me getting a lot of answers correct, I think it's because I wasn't there for the majority of it. I didn't get any, I remember. But you were like super confident and wrong a lot of the time. I think I was only there for

a couple rounds, maybe the last round only, so that's maybe why I got one question wrong, two questions wrong. That's not important. What is important is, can you do me a huge favor? Just like nurse to ambulance driver. Sure, I'm on my break, but...

Could you get off your break and drive the ambulance with me in it to, I think, this address, which I think is in Mid-City, and it has it's been described as a tower where a fair maiden, I'm sorry to use their language, but basically it's like this tower that a fair maiden is in, that has a tincture. Tower for a maiden.

But just to be clear, this would not be on my insurance. It would actually be on this guy upstairs. I actually didn't catch his name, but he's sort of this, like, he went to a medieval times, basically, and this is sounding so crazy. I'm starting to, like, but could we just go to this address, basically? If not, no worries at all. I guess, do I look like a fucking cab, I guess, is my main thought, number one.

No, and I agree. It's just that this patient, yeah. So, I'm sorry if you didn't even ask. You're right. Sorry. No, I mean, I guess I can. You can or you don't? Yeah.

Sorry. Yeah, no, I can. I physically, I can do that. So we'll do it right now. I'll just get in the passenger seat or do you want me to do the back? I'll do the back. More comfortable in the back. Cut to this just like normal apartment complex in mid-city.

So this is... There's no way this is it. This is the... Are you sure? I'm... Look, you gave me a very limited set of information. It's the address that I gave you, though? Yeah, when you said Mid-City apartment building, old wench tincture, whatever.

Yeah, I think this is... I never said wench. I don't think I'm supposed to say that, actually. Oh, sorry. The hottest woman you've ever seen in your entire life walks out of the apartment. Oh, it's Jess.

Oh, oh no. Is it the doctor? Oh my goodness. Is my Brian in the hospital? I have a feeling it's him. You're his girlfriend? There's no way. Oh my God, did he send you here for the tincture?

Yes, is it a vial or are you gonna... Out of my mind, I take like a half-used warm tube of Neosporin. Got it. Bring this to him at once. It'll cure his ails, it'll cure what ails it. Bring this to him at once. It'll make, it'll cure his ails. It'll cure what ails him. Oh, thank you so much. He is going to be in medical debt, maybe

for the rest of his life. For what amounted to a Neosporin on a cash. Can I please come with you? I have to make sure that he's okay. Cut to the hospital room. Hey, we got the tincture. It's just neosporin.

I guess you could have mentioned that because we have that at the hospital, but I'm trying to stay calm. Name your tinctures have not been warmed by the ever-loving bosom of my maiden. Got it. I've never done this, but I am going to quit a job. I'm going to quit this job. I'm going to quit this job. I'm not a quitter. Mama didn't raise no kid. Charles, no.

Nay. Nay, you mustn't. Never done that. Yay. Yay. Nay. Yay. Yay.

Absolutely yay. I raise my chalice to thee. I say adieu. Oh, pretty. Fuck you guys. Pretty. You're into it. Pretty, sir.

Yes, sir. Here's your bill. Very good. I've never served someone a bill. A bill? I bid you all adieu. They had bills in medieval times. Think not, me don't.

Having to go to bed, I think. Feeling very faint, I am. I don't usually have this level of confidence. He's being Yoda now. I'm not into that. I'm not into that. I was going to say, Jess, do you want to maybe get a drink? Because I've never gone on a limb like this.

I've never gone on a limb like this. but I have the confidence being in front of him, being in front of Brian, because he is not a threat. No, this is like a Jessica Rabbit, Roger Rabbit kind of thing. Leaving me, she will never. Oh, my God. Mine forever, she is. We're discharging you immediately. I don't like that kind of stuff.

Leaving, we will. That's the best scene that's ever been done on this entire show, 200 episodes. Nay, I do say indeed that it's the best scene we've ever done ever in, I think it's ever been done in improv history. I kind of like the boxer one. I like the boxer one with the

threesome and I like the Leanne one. But that one was good. That's pretty nice. Are we not going to do a retrospective at all? Leanne! Oh yeah, I guess we should do that. Between little bits. Alf, in your 30 episodes

out of the 200, what are some of your favorite memes so far? I really liked the one we did where it was the one where Jeff was trapped in that little room. Oh, that was the kind of circumstances in the last

like two minutes. Yeah, that one was really funny. Got it. How about you? What was your favorite one out of the 30 not fuck all those other ones um lately the one I mean it's it's I mean god

the Simon is I think my top of all time still Simon come back um that if you're an OG you know Simon um I'm trying to think some newer ones that I've loved That, if you're an OG, you know Simon. I'm trying to think of some newer ones that I've loved

that have been really, really fun. The heart-shaped box chocolate episode with Miles was really fun. Oh my God, honestly, one of the most recent ones, which is the horseback riding school, is one of my favorites now. Horseback riding school went hard. I'm still listening.

I'm just getting a drink. No, as soon as we talk about the ones Jeff wasn't in, he's like, I'm out. It was the minute you said, more recent one. It's, I mean, I was literally thinking today, I'm like, oh my God, 200 episodes. And I was just getting so sappy. And I was thinking like, I get to do like, with two hosts who are two of my best friends in this world who make me laugh harder than anybody. And I just feel very, very grateful. There's no way we make you laugh harder than, like, I don't know, Obama when he's being cheeky.

Okay, I have a review. It's Miller time. Who is this guy? This is for Medieval Times in Buena Park. What is that, like a Ren Faire? This is from Simon S like a red fire simon s don't say simon says don't say simon says don't say simon says simon come back says simon says come back to bed simon simon as two stars medieval times what a. Can't say I enjoyed it, and I think the experience can be improved. For food, it was decent.

Wasn't expecting the best meal, but it was decent food, barring the tomato soup. The rest you can eat with your hands, and they do provide napkins and towelettes to stay clean. The actual show would have been okay, except it was really hard to understand what was being said. The acoustics are not great. I think the show's changed a lot since I came for my eighth birthday back in 2001, and it doesn't feel like an improvement. You can buy alcoholic drinks. $9 doesn't feel great for a small pina colada when strawberry mixed with Malibu rum, but it did taste good. What was odd was that I wanted a virgin, but it wasn't allowed.

It's noteworthy that when I went two days ago, there was a protest from employees on strike claiming sexual harassment and animal abuses going on here. Jesus. You're not allowed to have a virgin drink,

and they're abusing the staff and animals. It's also, the thing that stood out to me for some reason was the thing of like, they make you eat with your fucking hands like a fucking animal, which, first of all, I don't know how historically accurate that is.

I feel like people in medieval times still had fucking forks and knives and shit and second and what a fucking moist towelette isn't anachronistic historic like henry the eighth ate an entire fucking a boar's head with his bare hands and then said prithee fetch me my fucking Purell United Airlines branded sanitizer wipe. It's like, what a weird, and like, well, strawberry daiquiris. Now, they definitely had those in medieval Europe, but virgin one? Like, weird moments to choose to be historically accurate, and then just to abandon the premise instantly. I also love, it's like, it's a completely different, it's like 20 years have gone by.

And he's like, I think it's different from when I was a kid. Just like having that perfect memory of like, what a fun eighth birthday at this like family friendly, like geared towards like families and kid experience. And going as an adult being like, this doesn't feel good. I don't like this one i think i have that experience a lot of like things that when i was a kid i was like this is sick and now as an adult i'm like i don't know you know guys do you ever have that do you ever feel like just like you'll never have the you know the same joy the same wonder that you did when you were a kid the same you know the simplest things you know brought you so much joy and now

it's kind of like wow you know I'm the rat race caught up in it you know i do i do like the idea of only picking and choosing what is historically accurate or not just depending on what they can accommodate or not Guys, I am the one funding this museum, alright? So, can I please have final say? Is that too much to ask? Because I can pull the funding. Do you guys want to pull the funding? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, sir.

We don't want you to pull the funding. No, no, no. I mean, like... Alright. Then I don't think that we should show this cave drawing. It's not pretty. Well, sir, if we may, this cave drawing is thousands of years old. Right.

But what if there was a laser light show? As this museum is all about the history of the human race. Which is what I'm interested in. And we are so grateful for your patronage to this wing of this museum. Okay. Oh, he's chewing his tofasho again. Mr. Parker, we are so grateful for your contribution and for your care for this museum. And your $50 billion that you have waived in front of us. grateful for your contribution and for your care for this museum and your 50 billion

dollars that you have waived in front of us. It is an ungodly amount of money. It can easily become zero. No, no, no. Sir, sir, sir. Sir, sir, sir, sir. Sir, sir, sir, sir. If I may. If I may. You may.

Thank you, sir. He's just sitting on a bench in the museum. I have to ask, would it be possible to do this room right here, leave as is, cave drawing, you know, boring. Cave drawing, cave people. Honk shoo, honk shoo, honk shoo. And then your, what was it, laser light show? Laser light show.

Which is a fantastic, very fun idea. We did print the laser tag. It's not something you participate in. Right, it's not. But you cannot tell me that this is not part of the human race. And it is the history because it's been around for a sec. No, absolutely. And I do, and I do, and I love that idea.

And I do feel like it's more maybe at home in our modern wing. We do have a wing that's dedicated to the last hundred years of human history. Yes. How am I supposed to compete with the moon landing? With modern rock and roll music? With the invention of the personal computer? I want my shit to be in a wing that people don't

really like, so when they're in that wing it's the coolest thing in that wing. Sorry, Mr. Parker, I just have a quick question, if I may. Please, call me Professor. Are you a professor? Not yet.

But you want us to call you that. But call me it, so I can see if it kind of fits in it's sort of a foster to adopt scenario sure professor uh parker i don't like it call me mr parker okay mr parker are you implying that you said my sorry and this is i'm just using your language sure my i want my shit in wing. Are you implying that you invented laser light shows? I don't think I said that at all. I said my shit, I said I want it in this wing, and I want there to be a laser. But you're saying how do I compete with the moon landing,

the invention of the personal computer, you know, all of that, which it's like, I think I'm so sorry. I took that to mean that your contribution to the history of mankind versus you would be- Museum! My contribution to the history of mankind, museum. Got it. Right, right.

But, to your point, what you add to the museum as a benefactor, sort of, you put your mark on, and at a certain point, not anytime soon, but let's say this museum, which it's in New York, so it's going to be there for a while. In 100, 200 years, people are mostly looking at the benefactors' names. They're not really looking, because they don't know who did the laser light show. They don't know who did the cave drawings. They only know the benefactor. Breathe when you talk.

You can take a second to... Yeah, there you go, Mr. Parker. Mr. Parker, Professor... Mr. Parker. talk you can take a second to yeah there you go mr parker mr parker uh professor uh mr mr parker you like mr i like mr you guys like mr or professor what do you guys what about mr's mr's good so i think mr's good dr parker doctor no i'm definitely not a doctor you could have a doctorate and i'm you know i'm a doctor i'm not a medical doctor but i still deserve no but i still doctor you will be the one giving the cash to the fucking museum. I have a doctorate in five fucking years. Anyway, um,

I guess I just, um, I guess I'm wondering, Mr. Parker, if there is a world in which the laser light show Love it.

Hasn't finished. Oh, there's more. Okay, sorry. Gets paired with the lobby. It's the first thing people see. No, no, no.

Wait a minute, Mr. Parker. You think I'm dumb? You think I am at $50 billion and then I'm deciding to put that same $50 billion into a museum as a donation? And you think I'm an idiot? No. I see what you're doing. You're trying to use positive language by saying pairing it with the lobby. Nobody gives a shit about the exhibit in the lobby.

The exhibit in the lobby is the dread. Oh, really? Mr. Parker, it is the first thing people see when they walk in. It is what they will associate their experience at the museum with. They come in and see the light show with your name right in the front. They will think, oh my goodness, this is a Mr. Parker experience. The laser light show is staying in the prehistoric wing, and on this point, I will not bend. Mr. Parker.

We still have it. We've only used $5 billion. We have $45 billion left. wing and on this point i will not bend we still have we've only used 5 billion we have 45 billion left so why don't you guys list out what you want the 45 billion to go towards and i will say if i like it or not i want to raise no next maybe no you go i maybe once you start putting laser light show on the forefront of the museum you'll get a raise how about that if we if we push back on the laser light show being in the prehistoric are you going to pull all funding not all well it depends let's see what i've already written the check so what i've given so far is all right but i could pull funding for the rest okay what

else do you want in the prehistoric wing or anywhere in the museum? Just say yes or no. We don't want the light show in the prehistoric wing. The laser light show is what? It's laser light show where you don't get anything. Mr. Parker, I have a suggestion. Please. Okay. Here's my pitch, I guess.

Just spitballing here. I wasn't prepared for this. How about we have an exhibit a wing if you will love it um and it's dedicated he's not done there's more always with this guy you think what if we have an exhibit a wing i think that's a great idea and what if it's an expansion sorry william yeah you can keep going you know in many ways my life's work my phd thesis was about the history of tools um you know in the way in which our brains and it was brilliant i actually really love this idea so we could have like we could have he's not done kevin stand-in we could have geraci frances

we could have i don't understand you said it's a history of tools i'm listing all the tools that i knew growing up in new jersey oh okay um no all the tools that I knew growing up in New Jersey. Oh, okay. All the guys that kind of made fun of me and now look at my ass. Park Avenue apartment. Yeah. Could you tell us a little bit more about your childhood? I think it might help inform.

My childhood or everything after my life got good? Because I'm comfortable talking about the latter. No, I would like to hear more about mr and and and the those parts of your life mr part i was born to an oil tycoon if we put the laser light show in the prehistoric wing which again doesn't make any sense historically can we do whatever we want with the rest of the museum can i just say that i want to take a minute to make sure we're being intersectional here because we're talking a lot about history right we're not talking a lot about her story what about here stick with me on this a history of women's liberation within the laser light show sphere i and again i'm just spitballing here i wonder if there's a world no hang on i wonder if there's

a world in which now i'm not saying this is what you're doing but to the general public that might come across as you diminishing the significance of the women's liberation exhibit by saying like implicitly people are only gonna go to this if there's lasers and I'm not saying now mr. Parker I'm not saying that is what you're saying but he wants a raise you clearly by the way William don't know anything about me or my that's true you refuse to talk about your childhood

I'll talk about everything from the point where I made my first billion on. And you've asked me no questions about that. My staff is 75% women. Clap! What are you doing? Clap! I...

Mr. Parker, I'm a historian. A damn good one. Thank you. Thank you, William. Yeah. I just want to give this information to the public and show pride and reverence and also learning and learn from our past, learn from our history, learn from our mistakes, and learn how we can improve as we march on into the future. That's what I want to do with this museum. I agree.

And we have the same goals. What the disconnect is- I don't think we do, Mr. Parker. I have to disagree. I don't think we do. No, because the disconnect is happening where you're like, oh, what we want is a room with a bunch of cave drawings and baskets. People will walk through that room unless you add a laser light show.

They're going to walk through every room, Mr. Parker, because this is a museum and that is what they're designed to do. They are designed to walk through these spaces. Sometimes people walk and they stop and they read and they look at what's around and they say, wow, lasers. Other times they just walk straight through the...

You're done with what? The museum? I fucking quit. I'm over it. I'm over you. All right, now we have another $60,000 to put towards the laser light show. Well, yeah, 40 plus benefits. You know what? I'm out it. I'm over you. All right. Now we have another $60,000 to put towards the laser light show. Well, yeah.

40 plus benefits. You know what? I'm out too, William. And it pains me to say because it is an unbelievable amount of funding that we could have gotten. This could have been the best museum in the world. It could have been the best museum. You're right. It could have been the best museum in the world.

Hey, permission to speak freely? Do it. We're done. No, we don't work here anymore anyway you don't even have to ask william by me i think you're entitled i think that chewing tobacco that you're always that you refuse to spit out i've never i always see you spitting but nothing comes out it is straining your bottom lip we worry that you swallow it i think is everybody's fear and i think you're a i think you're a tragic little man you're a mean man you're a mean

little man and you know what else what else your laser light show is fucking mid i'm gonna kill this guy cut to 10 years later the museum opens and every single exhibit is a laser light show mom mom it's all but it's not it's it's like prehistoric era through the lens of a laser light performance

mom did they really have all this technology back when back when back when grandma and Grandpa were alive? If you're a liar to your kid, I'll give you a million dollars. Well, honey, since it's in the History of Mankind Museum, it must be the history of mankind. So your name? Checkbook. Samantha Brown.

Samantha Brown? Samantha. Never mind. uh uh tamantha brown samantha brown tamantha never mind puts his checkbook away what bad name he just stands in the vestibule of the exhibit another yeah another like another couple walks in there on the younger side. Hey. Sorry? If you guys say that you like the exhibit, I'll cut your check. Oh, no, we don't. Sorry, we don't work here. A million dollars.

We don't work here. He said he would give us a million dollars if we said we love it. We love it. It's the coolest exhibit ever. I think he thinks we work here. No. Briston Dunn. Tristan Dunn. Briston.

Never mind. He hasn't given out any money and they're just all crumpled checks of names he doesn't like. You think I built my fortune cutting checks to people whose names I liked? Excuse me, mister. I'm just a whippersnapper, but I love this museum here. Is it yours? Who's asking? Me.

The name's Parker. Mr. Parker. Well, Mr. Parker. Can I call you Professor? How's that sound? Let's try it out. Professor Parker. No, I prefer Mr.

Me too. Do you like this museum? Well, gee willikers, I've been to every museum in the tri-state area, and I think this is the grandest one I've seen yet. I particularly am a fond of the lasers. A what of the lasers? Forget it. Forget it.

Forget it. I was going to give you a million dollars. No, I said I'm particularly fond of the lasers. Find. Security. They have guns you're not supposed to have those as security for a museum

but they're laser tag guns they just shine them into people's eyes and send them to the optometrist um Alfred I'm feeling generous no way no fucking way. Um, can we take a break first?

Too many breaks. There's no way you guys have four ads. That's never happening. Honey, there's no way we have any. Uh, I'll be back. Yeah! The width of your ass. What's going on?

What'd I miss? You left to go to the bathroom, which should never happen during a podcast. And so we were trying to busy ourselves, but we'll do the rest tomorrow. Sometimes, there comes a time where diapy is full. Where my dumper is... And we're back.

Or we're still going. Holy shit, holy shit. Waste of time waiting for him to pee. We have to pee before the episode starts. Please tell me. I did did but then i drank that fucking waterloo um alf i was gonna let you read a renaissance no no no no i don't think you should no i'm doing one no you can eat my no i don't think so my shorts is that what you're gonna say no i'm gonna read one madonna was such a baddie um oh my, Alf, read a review This is from Alpha B

No it's not, Alpha Bardwell Evans No it's real I swear This is a review you wrote really quickly about a medieval times Jokes on fucking you, cause it's three stars from seven years ago at the Great Lakes Medieval Fair.

Jokes? What? You said jokes on you. That wasn't funny at all. Alpha. Barnwell Evans. Three stars. Used to be a good time.

Politicians trying to steal the beer revenue. Forced the end of beer sales. Been downhill from there. No jousting. The best acts from the Renfair circuit won't even come here anymore. They made up a weekend for steampunk nerds.

Just to shore up business. It's just really sad to see this once great fair struggle so mightily. It's sad to see this once great improviser struggle so imminently.

Come on. Fair. Every time they said the word fair, it was emphasized that you got a review for the wrong thing. I don't know what you mean. It's sad to see that this once great

renaissance fair outdoor experience with booths and vendors and performers and a generally good time what that's come to

I've never seen him this angry I'm pissed I'm livid as shit I'm fuming I'm steaming I'm absolutely losing it I think you guys are forgetting about the part where they said that the best acts from the Renfair circuit won't even go there anymore.

Okay? And because of politicians trying to steal the beer revenue, they don't sell it anymore. This is a travesty. I'm sounding the alarm. I'm sitting down for my TSA pre-check interview. And you said to bring the... I have all my locks in a row.

So all my ducks in a row. I've got all the locks. You said bring the locks, so I got... This is cured with dill. This is smoked. And this is thinly sliced, and this is a more thicker slice. So it depends on what you like, but here you go. So make a bagel, and then I should be checked through TSA.

Why does that sign say docs? You meant documents thank you for the cured salmon fish but ultimately we obviously can't clear you for TSA pre-check because you brought us fish and not documents what did you need well if you had checked the website um or any kind of

uh information before coming here you would have seen we needed um birth date we needed any prior criminal records we needed um proof of residence, passport documents, things like that. Well, I live in... I don't fully feel comfortable giving you my address because how do I know that you're actually official? I brought the fish. You brought fish. Did I get the check?

No. Because I didn't bring what, the docs? Yes. I feel like I'm not quite. I thought I was really prepared. Because as a backup, I even brought. That's a pad. That's a combination.

And that is key driven. You brought locks. Three different types of locks. I. Like, can you just acknowledge for a second. I'm just flipping through a book. Sorry. This is not in any of the.

Can you just acknowledge for a second. Because I don't understand. Can we just acknowledge. And bring your supervisor over before we do this. But can we just acknowledge for a second? I'm just flipping through a book. Sorry, this is not in any of the... Can you just acknowledge for a second? And then we'll figure this out. Can we just acknowledge? And bring your supervisor over before we do this, but can we just acknowledge that if I had read it right, if it had said locks, I would have been uber prepared. I guess. I'm sorry.

This is really stressful. I'm trying to do a good job, but this feels like a waking dream. I'm going to get my supervisor. Hey, Phil? Phil? I? Phil, can you-

This is going to be a bad time. This gentleman came in here. He made this appointment three months ago to get his TSA pre-check clearance. And as you can see, he brought fish and combination and padlocks instead of documents. He misread docs for locks. And also

if even if you, sorry, before I move away from this, even if you misread docs, locks, the docs you're thinking of, and what we say on the website is D-O-C-S. And we never abbreviate it because this is a very official thing. So we do say documents.

And you brought L- and LOCKS. I talked to my buddies. Everybody was like, you have to get TSA PreCheck. It's so much easier to do. I said, what do I need to do? Alright, Phil. I'm going to hand him over to you because I feel like I don't want to

work here anymore, but I know I want to but he just makes me not want to. Let's take a look then. What have we got I know I want to, but he just makes me not want to. Let's take a look, then. What have we got? I just want to emphasize that the dill one and this other thinly sliced is Scottish. Aye. Give it a try.

Phil, I wouldn't recommend you eating food, just open food that some stranger has brought into our office. You only live once, no? Well, Sonny, I'll be honest with you. Yeah? There's a secret hidden in the bylaws. There is?

There is? Aye! laws. There is? There is? But, tragically, you've missed the mark. Because you needed to... There's a third lock. Do you want to take a guess, Sonny? Sorry, is the hidden rule that if he brings

three kinds of locks, then he gets a free time for free? What was your name? Annabelle? Phil. Annabelle. You have my phone number. Can you just call me so that you can hear my ringtone?

I guess, yeah. Is it ringing? Are you playing? Okay. We hear a sound. By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braids. Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond. No way. Lomond.

No way. The ringtone is Loch Lomond. Aye. Well, lad. I've got no choice but to give you the keys to the city. That's not what I'm applying for. Oh, no?

Can I have TSA pre-check? Oh, no son, you need to bring your documents. Damn it! Fuck! Every kind of locks. That's not just L-O-C-S. Salmon, pad, and lake. Lake.

Well, now I guess I'll take what I can get. I'll have the key to the city. Key to the city! But I really did want the fucking TSA. Aye. Well. Life's a bitch, no? I guess. What was that sigh for Annabelle

I guess I'm just I don't know how to feel anymore about this I felt like I was doing a good job you know I've only been here for a couple weeks but now this feels unreal to me. In every sense of the word, this feels like an unreal experience.

Aye, aye. I think, are you just jealous that he got the keys to the city and you didn't? I'm not jealous because you just printed on printer paper a clip art of a key

cut it out and on sharpie wrote LAX city mayor and so no that doesn't feel like I'm not entirely jealous of that and also I just am now seeing that in your briefcase you have a full stack paperclip of keys to the city and again that being lax city well i've got so i don't entirely know what your

whole deal is well i've got a little treat for you if you'd like i don't want the keys to la no i think you're gonna like what it is is it the keys to the city i don't want the keys to LAX City. No, I think you're gonna like what it is. Is it the keys to the city? Rich is into his bag. I don't want the key to the city. Pulls out a kilogram of cocaine. What the fuck? It's a key to the city. Oh my god!

He's written F major on it. Get it? Now it's a double key to the city. No? Good stuff, no? I'm out. Alright, I'll need the coke back, though. I'll be needing the coke back.

I love, I think my favorite part of this episode, episode 200, is that everyone has quit their jobs. In every scene we've done. One customer has led somebody to quit. Well, and speaking of quitting our jobs, you know, 200 seems like a good number, no? No way. No.

I have an announcement to make. I can't go through this again. I cannot go through this again. No. This is sending my body into panic. Well, you take the high road and I'll take the low road. Do we have time for one more? I don't.

Oh, okay then. Okay, sick. Let's go to our last segment, huh? Day 1. This is Chameleon Week 1. day for this week long this episode feels like I was hit in the head with a frying pan with a say

with a sake sake here's the fucking honest to fucks truth I mean this is what happens when we fucking record it gosh fuck 9.30pm Chicago time okay I'm tired I mean, this is what happens when we fucking record it. Gosh, fuck. 9.30 p.m. Chicago time, okay?

I'm tired. I'm sleepy. It's the bitching hour. It's the whiffing hour. Oh, my God. The cat puppet. Did you miss me? This sucks. I've won one.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, I'll keep the puppet in the shot. I'm taking a screenshot of the Zoom. I have a review. For episode 200. I have a review. This is psychotic. You don't want to hear my review, though?

Sure, what's the cat's review? I have a review of this podcast. Okay. Oh, that's very sweet of you. Because I've been listening the whole time. Oh, he's been listening the whole time, he said. I say. Also, there's no ventriloquism here it's just you talking and

jeff's gone as it was just you talking normally with the puppet i guess we'll never get to hear his fucking review i want to hear the review he's dead i killed him the cat's dead i fucking snapped his neck like it was so much fucking change uh what's been shaking your ass yeah it's a great question and you'd think And he's back, because the cat's gone Well, look who's shook No I think what shook me this week Ooh, what a hard thing to talk about

Is what's shaking me Not really, also if you're not ready yet Someone else can bow before you Yeah, Jeff, what shook you then, huh, fucker? I thought Riley would be ready I'm not exactly ready I haven't done one what shook you then, huh, fucker? I thought Riley would be ready. I'm not exactly ready. I haven't done one what shook me in the last six months. You know?

We literally recorded a week ago. No, yeah, no. No. Also, it wasn't six either. She left in, what, April? Wow, details. It was gone for three months, and we recorded a bunch of episodes in between when I was back for a week. Everyone's a fucking critic, huh?

Not really. We're just saying what happened. Jesus. We're trying to calm you down. Leave me the fuck alone, eh? You know what's so funny is before we recorded, I literally had the thought, I'm like, I have so many things to talk about for My What Shook Me, and I'm very excited. And now I cannot

think of a single thing. Might get a cat no way again why this time I'm doing foster to adopt with a cat that is better for me before I said give me any fucker and I'll figure it out and they gave me a cancerous 16 year old oh but old but she was great she was a lot and so i'm taking misty if you can believe it no what you said was all cats are the same i sent you three options you said all cats riley shut the fuck up um many cats suck shit that's how I know they're not all the same. Exactly right. And so I'm taking Misty, I think. But then Petunia popped up and she's sort of silly.

But she also is younger and might pose some issues. So I think I might take Misty. Why issues? Because she might demand too much of my attention. Well, and I don't want to push you. My lap space is reserved

for Misty. Right. What gross thing were you going to say? I was going to say for my sexual partners. Come sit on daddy's lap. Yeah, so I was trying to approach.

Anyway, Misty might meet me in the morning. It's the Misty morning. I will say two cats is not a bad thing. If you're worried about it being a demanding, having two little guys to keep each other company can actually be good. I know. But then there's sometimes I get lonely. Oh, my God.

Riley. What's been shaking me? You know what's gonna happen i'm gonna say this one thing and then as soon as i log off i'm gonna remember the other thing i wanted to say yes um but for right now so daniel is away for the week he's at the stony brook film festival uh and uh because his film Hit Friends is playing there and nope not Nantucket but I guess a couple things are shaking me one genuine I'll save this one for last

last night I was I made a very late dinner and I was watching The Parent Trap as I made dinner and then while I was eating dinner and my god that shit will cure what ails you. My God, that is an incredible film. It's always

a TV or movie recommendation that everyone's already seen. It wouldn't be the 200th episode without it being so. I literally, I've seen that movie so many times. I haven't seen it in a while, though. I'm standing in my kitchen, and when the twins find out that they're twins, and they're like, we're not sisters. Hallie, while, though. I'm standing in my kitchen. And when the twins find out that they're twins, I'm like, we're not sisters.

Hallie, we're twins. I started crying. Are you kidding me? What? I guess what has really been shaking me is that this is the 200th episode of this podcast. I cannot believe that. And I know I was getting emo before,

but I'm emo now. And I'm just just I'm really genuinely very very grateful and I can't wait to keep making eps and keep doing funny stuff how many episodes do you want to do total I don't I'm not putting a cap on it

you know what I'll I will put a cap on it I feel like I'm content with this being a fifth. You're good with 30 and then you're out? A fifth? You want to do 150 episodes? No, do another 800.

So do a thousand total. I do want to do some review live shows moving forward. So Alf, you better get your ass out here. That's how you make the real money. I am so grateful for this show for everyone who's listened for all the guests who've been on and I love you both so much

you two are my best friends in this world and I am so grateful to be getting to do this and like just to have you on as a guest Jeff is just like a blast and Alf to keep doing this with you is oh my god and of course your headphones popped out so you didn't even hear that I'm sorry.

I did ultimately unplug my headphones while you said something earnest. I was just saying that I love you both very much. I'm very grateful. And that's what's been shaking me. So thank you guys for listening to this podcast. What if you did a live show at that, or that British pub in Santa Monica? That would be unbelievable. I forget exactly what happened in that scene. The shoes were something or it doesn't matter.

Something with lube or like the shoes, like they were having sex in the pub. It was like a gay bar and yeah. That's from British themed pubs in the US. Old app. I'm confused with Wetherspoons. What's been, not to be confused with Yarmouk.

Alf, what are you thankful for? And by what the fuck, what's shaking you? God. Pitch, we rename the What Shook Me segment to What Are You Thankful For? We ask Carl Tartt, Hey, what are you thankful for? That's really funny.

I actually do think that A rebrand to What Are You Thankful For? It's like this fucking podcast and all of a sudden it's the most earnest question you've ever heard that's really funny how do you practice gratitude episode 200 you guys should switch it up episode 200 should we do what are you thankful for to the same up track yeah

um um what's been shaking you slash what are you thankful for I guess I can say uh fucking hell what's been shaking me

um you know not to brag not to boast but I uh I do the New York times crossword every day. Yes, you do King.

And what was that Jeff? Oh, I said that's awesome. He's just jealous. No, he said you're a loser. Okay. And I won't stick some stones and all that. Um, I, uh, no, I, I, and I do it every day. And, uh, I feel like I fell off for a while.

You know, I wasn't doing it every day because, well, I had people in my life and things, you know, people I cared about who cared about me. And I had career prospects. And so now I can. You said you had people in your life? Because the return to the crossword is to imply that those people are gone. Right. I can sink two hours into doing the Sunday or whatever. You said every day.

Right, right, right, right. But no, I mean, it feels good to be back doing it. And it is gratifying to see that little number go up of one day streak, two day streak. Read. So that's what feels good. The streak feels good. I can't judge. I do the same thing on Duol i can't judge i do that same thing

on duolingo right i do the same thing with my fap notebook speak on that what's what are you doing where can people find you the space to do it so no i want to say what i'm thankful for for fuck's sake i'm thankful for jeff's fat nope no i uh i am i am genuinely cut that out that's fucked up will you leave that in i love it uh. No, leave it in, Daniel. Cut and re-roll. I love, I am very thankful, actually, genuinely, to be earnest for a second. I am thankful that the vast majority of you crazy people out there have been very well receptive to the change of Jeff's passing.

You know, he's no longer with us. We piped him in via seance today. It's been a real joy, and the last 30 episodes have been the best 30 of my life. Here's to many more. You did

name a number. It's to 800 more. Sláinte. Slá know slainte and uh on that note jeff where can people find you who the fuck are you um at jeffrey james on instagram that's all i need to plug you don't want to plug your threads? I don't have that. Your blue sky? I don't have that either, yeah. Who is this? We are... Master Don.

Oh, and patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. Still going strong. I think back and better than ever, and we might even add some more perks maybe later this year, I don't know. Hell yeah, still going strong. We got our Zardes, we got our livestreams, we got perks coming up.

Sometimes I'm on the Zardes. Riley and I, we should say, Riley and I have not talked about adding new perks. It's just that... No, but I'm interested now. Hold us accountable. Hold us accountable. Or cut this out entirely. Also... No, no, no. Keep it in. It'll hold us accountable. HeadGum YouTube. HeadGum sketches.

Every other Tuesday, baby. You can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt you can find the show on Reddit r slash review review on Instagram at review review plug my stuff man come on and

you can find Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and spa Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley and Spa, and on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts, at Riley Coyote, and as we say every single week here on the show.

And I'm on threads at Riley and Spa, baby. That was a joke, because I knew Jeff wouldn't have one, because it's dumb. I have one. Because it's dumb. As we say every single week, Jeff, you know it.

We've been saying it since you were on the show. Every single week we've been saying this since episode one and now we're on 200. Guys, also, I can't believe 200 episodes.

That's crazy. Longest 200 of my life. He's totally checked out. As we say, he's not even gonna just fucking do the same. As we have said, every episode for the past

200 episodes. This is the longest plug ever. 200 episodes we've been saying this. So we all should be saying it right now. Oh, this, yeah. Even those of you listening, we should be saying this because we've been saying this. So we all should be saying it right now. Oh, this. Even those of you listening, we should be saying this because we've been saying it for 200 episodes. Are you a dare?

Shh! That was a Hiddem Original.