Review Revue - Mood Rings

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

This week on Review Revue, Alf and Reilly read reviews on MOOD RINGS as they don't feel mommy enough, tour homes, and unleash the witch within.    Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. Well, I heard there was a brand new host

The hero that we needed most Someone who'd step up instead of doubt Well, a ghost like this, his name is Alf, is a little bit bald and kind of daft, but he's got one thing that Jeff could never rival. Alfred's butt cheeks, Alfred's butt cheeks, Alfred's butt cheeks Alfred's butt cheeks They're amazing Wow, the harmonies, the beautiful, dulcet harmonies of Alfred's butt cheeks. Alfred's butt cheeks.

That was from Victor. Victor says, Victor, heard our pleas for new theme songs now that Jeff's reign of terror is over. And I thought, what a better way to celebrate this than a song about Alf's well ass. Okay, cool. So, Victor, if you're listening, Alf just was interrupting me while I was reading your email. So that's what he was doing just then. Sorry, Victor. No, I want to just like, no, like, Victor, if you're listening, and let's be honest, you probably aren't.

When Riley just was reading the email I was making fun of her Which is something I like to do And I hope that you wouldn't want to take that away from me That was beautiful Alf, how do you feel about getting a theme song About your, well, ass I mean, look Was I

I thought maybe we would sort of I mean, there's no offense to Victor I don't know, come up with a new bit for me You literally, no You literally said I want songs about my ass. Oh, shit. Okay. You literally said I want songs about my ass.

I said I want songs about my ass. I said that. Fuck. I need to work. Is there like something you can do for memory? A lobotomy? No, for making it better. Because mine is shot.

I tried to do the same one shook Shook me about my blackout curtains. In every fucking episode. But you know. Riley. We're not here. To talk about me being dumb. We're here to welcome our guest. I thought you were going to go into.

Talking about the topic. And I'm like we barely started. I want to get out of here man. Okay we're probably going to do do one half a review maybe and then what should we um should be out of here in 15 minutes it's just us chickens here today freeny teeny bovini just between us girls between us girls um if you went to boston university school Theater, you'll get that reference. Very niche. Alfred, Riley, like, I feel naked. Well, to be clear, you are. Zoom. No, it is weird. It's weird that like, I guess when I put it when there's a guest here, I feel the need to be kind of like polite and respectful and then

when it's just you i i just like want to be so rude to you i guess does that sound right how do you know it sounds right because you and i were on the phone the other day and you were just being mean to me as per you like you do to me to be nice to me and you're like yeah it actually would it actually would so that checks out alf i'm drinking tea. I'm drinking a peppermint tea. Okay. I'm trying to cut back on two coffees a day. Yeah. And so right now I'm having a peppermint tea.

And so I am really sleepy because of the tea without the coffee. Right. Right. I'm a sleepy Riley. I had a matcha and a double espresso today. And I still feel like shit. I feel exhausted. I feel worse than I've ever felt.

That's besides the point of the caffeine. You just feel bad. Yeah, that's just what I'm like. No, but my caffeine tolerance has reached a point where I no longer. The only thing that changes is my heart rate. My level of alertness, my awakeness doesn't change. All that changes is how close i am to a cardiac event and i think that's beautiful well other than that what's new uh i had a ruben last

night i heard in the review discord that you overpaid for a ruben i walked into a deli and i panicked he was asking me what i wanted the person in front of me had ordered a ruben so i said yeah rububen sounds good. And then I realized after I ordered it that it was double the price of everything on the menu. But what I will say is it was a damn good sandwich. And I had a blast. Was it worth the price?

Oh, wow. Now you're asking the real questions. Look, it was, no, it was. Okay, there it is. But no sandwich would be, I don't think there's any sandwich on earth that would be worth that much money to me. Because to me, sandwich... $75.

Because I paid $75. This Reuben had six pounds of beef. Yeah. The crust was two... The crust? The bread was two loaves of bread stuck together. The crust. My favorite part of my Reuben was the crust.

Oh my God. Not Peter Griffin. That wasn't peter that was just a silly voice oh my god make him laugh i guess what's new with me god i'm so sleepy wake the fuck up we have an episode to do wake up wake up sorry wake up sorry i am you're dreaming no oh my god riley you've been in a coma for six years we've been trying to reach you wake up that's my worst nightmare i guess what's new with me is that um at the time of recording daniel is leaving on sunday for a week and a half and so it's just gonna be me and you already know that that means i'm taking my computer to every room in the house and the only way i can have real housewives play because when you can't have your significant other with you well you need the next best thing which is jen

i need my messy women i need i need meredith marks just kind of like talking at me while I make oatmeal so Daniel and I have come we've come to a very interesting oh TMI oh my god you're disgusting come on

Daniel plays Madden while I watch Real Housewives and it's an incredible arrangement we have this is the straightest shit I ever heard

in my life so me and Hubby have this sort of cute thing we do no no no seriously it's a door we're so cute it's so cute um there was a really cute moment where he was playing mad and then next time i was playing zelda on the switch that was okay that's cool now that's cool um but we're not here to talk about madden no or zelda no or even jen shaw which i wish we were here to talk about Jen Shaw.

But we're here to talk about, you know, but in a way we are, because it's something that is a little emotional. Right. It's a little heated, for sure. Okay, sure. But it can be quite cold. Okay, sure. We're talking

mood rings. Spooky mood rings. Alfie, you pitched this topic. I did. Why? I think I was talking to you at the time and you were being just like a real, not a brag,

you were being like a real pill. You were being like a moody little shit and I was just like, you know what? Maybe if she had a mood ring, she wouldn't ring she wouldn't maybe she's on the fucking rag it's not what i was thinking i'll text me whenever like i'm having an off day he's like oh are you on the rag right now and i'm like oh you can't say that that's so inappropriate i don't say that i say you don't say it you text it yeah that's true i text a speech yet so i guess i am saying it but you're not getting the audio. You're just getting the text. No, I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, I was obsessed with mood rings. If there was a mood ring in the room, that was...

It was on my finger, let me tell you. Look, it didn't matter who I had to elbow to get that thing. I was wearing that ring, and I was uh a little gadget tell me how i feel instead of sitting with my emotions this episode is brought to you by better uh but um were you like tracking like were you thinking about anything specific as you were tracking your emotions no i think i was just like i don't think i was consulting it like a magic eight ball i wasn't like oh interesting yeah then definitely me neither what were you doing tell me you're no i'm sure no i know you're gonna tell some story where it's gonna be like

there was a girl and i had her head in the toilet and i was giving her a swirly and then the mood ring was was red and it made me realize that i was i was lashing out because i was so angry about something else so mood rings if you guys don't know what a mood ring is i don't know how i can help you but it's basically a ring that changes color based on your body temperature no no no it's an exact science it's based on your mood it's actually based on your mood really it's in the name and so i had one when i was a kid and i very much consulted it like a magic cable because i would like think about my crush and then if i saw the mood ring change color then i was like i really love him i think and then if it changed

like i would consult it to be like oh my god how do i feel about him today how do i feel about him today yeah like am i even more in love and what would be like sure and did it work out um he's gay huh so the mood ring i didn't know it at the time right right so the mood ring it would often just kind of go to like a brown color that was just kind of like huh and you do you think that was like anything to do with like your circulate circulation issues or do you think no it was like i would like really try and like make it go a certain color but i think it's just sometimes mood rings just go to like a mixed color like it's neutral yeah your blood's working i do have to say that never um they never worked as well as i wanted them to no like you i've never

seen a movie that's like fully like vibrant color changes it's just kind of muddy green brown and and it is it's one of those things where it's like it's it's vague enough that it's like up to interpretation. You're like, yeah. Oh, it's no, no, no. It's definitely orange. Like, no, I'm like really excited. No, for sure. In a completely different situation.

No, it's blue. I'm feeling pretty sad. I'm feeling pretty sad. When did you. So, like, I guess I want to hear more about like what, so if you weren't consulting it, like a moral compass like I was, or like a seeing eye,

or seeing eye, what the fuck am I talking about? Like a seeing eye dog. So I would tie my mood ring to a piece of string and I would drag it around. No, I, you know what I guess, and I'm a simple,

I was a simple kid and i don't mean simple you don't have to tell me twice i mean symbolism stupid um and i think i was just like i think i put it on my finger it turned a color and i went that's so freaking cool man holy cow i'm like angry and shit right now he's got simple pleasures. Like, I genuinely don't think it got much. Like, you know, I don't think I developed the ability to think beyond the present moment until I was about 23. Yeah, so I just, you know, I was just putting the fucking thing on and watching it change color. Honestly, I think my enjoyment of the mood ring would have been exactly the same with knowing it was a mood ring or not. You could have pitched it to me as like, this is a ring that changes colors.

And I would have been like, no way, man. That's so awesome. I can't wait to watch it change. Just like a parrot. That's incredible. Just like, oh, look at it now. Look at it now. Look at it now.

If you had a mood ring on right now, what color do you think it would what would it represent i think the mood ring would be and be nice to me about it don't make this whole thing about like oh it'd be fucking red because i'm mad that i have to be here talking to you no i absolutely wasn't gonna do that so it would be orange um because i'm mad because i don't want to be here got it okay. What would yours be? Mine would be like a violet, like a purpley violet because I'm just like so sleepy and I'm just feeling like I'm... Yeah, that famous emotion, sleepy.

Do me. So you go to your therapist. Hey, Riley, just wanted to check in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You seem kind of down. What are we feeling today? Well, that's exactly right. I think, like, more specifically, I'm sleepy.

Sure. And, like, if we look deeper into that, like, what is that? What do we think is, like – Well, that's the root of it. The sleepiness, I think, is I've been working with that for a bit. And so it's, like, I've been riding the waves of sleepy. I'm, like, trying to find groundedness in that. Yeah.

We have some bad news. You actually have clinical sleepiness. Oh, clinical sleepy. Do you want to start us off with our first review? I'd love nothing more, man. I'd love nothing more. He's turning red right now. Red for lust.

He fucking loves reviews. Turning Red is my favorite Disney film. I loved Turning Red. It was awesome. Good movie. One star. You hate women. You know, just for that, I'm changing.

What's it for? No, I'm just changing. Five stars. What's it for? From her mood ring, bro. I don't remember which one. I forgot to write it down. Okay. Write it down?

Yeah, what most people don't know is I have a composition book and the way that I collect my reviews is I hand write them out every week Five stars from Chuck No last name Chuck Buck Chuck Buck Chuck the Buck, five stars

My wife and I absolutely adore this ring. We absolutely adore this ring. My wife didn't feel comfortable wearing her original wedding band because The only thing we would suggest is to get one size up. Overall, it's a great ring for the price. It's the back-to-back combo of because of an incident and she is out by herself a lot. Yeah. Because I've actually, I feel like I've seen a lot of videos where people are putting on wedding rings, usually women, to get people to stay away from them or not approach them. Right. Absolutely. Right, absolutely. But she doesn't like wearing

the wedding ring because of an incident. It's like trying to tell, but also it's like, I'll take a mood ring. Right, and it's like, is she wearing the mood ring on the ring finger of her left hand?

I think she met somebody somebody i think she wants people to approach her in the same way that it's like it's like oh if i mean this is such a fucked up thing but it's like it's like oh if a man if it's a guy with a wedding ring on that whatever i'll still approach him that's so hot like he's daddy i bet she was like oh i'm mommy and she's like flaunting her wedding ring off and everyone is just like really respecting that and like making clear boundaries and she's like oh that's not for me guy walks up to you at a bar hey how's it going uh name's Brian oh hi Brian um I'm Katie uh so I like reach out my hand like very flaunting the ring as if he just got engaged so nice to meet you oh oh i'm sorry i didn't realize you were um it is lovely to meet you um i gave the world's most

timid kiss on your hand oh uh sorry was that weird no you're engaged i i'm sorry i didn't realize you were no you can do you can do a little bit more than that if you want, Brian. Oh, sorry. I guess I figured because of the ring that you were, you weren't single. Oh, I'm married. You're married.

Yes. I'm married. I'm married. It's just, you know, it's like, uh, it's not so much an open marriage is more.

It's just like, I like the thrill of the chase. I like the thrill of feeling wanted, but like, you can't fully have me. Um, okay. Now fully have you um and i'm sorry to be so front up like we've just met but you did introduce this into the conversation so i have to ask what percentage can i how did you say have you i meant like i meant like you know, I'm not going to love you. Oh.

Like, I don't know. I'm so sorry. But it's like, I'm just being honest. I'm not going to love you. Okay. I am married. Like, my Joshie, I love him. I love him.

He's my husband. He's the light of my life. Okay. So he like has 100%. I could give you like 58. For a total of 158% of your love? No, I just mean comparatively.

Oh. Huh. I'll take that. Really? Yeah. Why not? Hey, I've been in other relationships where it's not even 58, you know? Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay. I'm not really a good guy. Come back to home. I'm getting back from the bar. There's like a head in my hands. Hey, sweetie. How was the bar? It was good.

You know, met up with the girls. How's Carol doing? Carol's great. Carol's great. You know, new baby. It's kind of good. You know, met up with the girls. How's Carol doing? Carol's great. Carol's great. You know, new baby. It's kind of hard. I know. I'm surprised she agreed to come out. Three weeks old. That's early to start leaving the house. No, I know. She's such a good friend. Hey, listen.

What's up, babe? Can we talk about something? There's something that just doesn't feel right with me. You're having those stomach issues again? Something you ate at the bar, maybe? No, it's not that. I mean, like, yes, but it's on a low grade, so I'm not too nervous about it right now.

Was it the queso? Did you have queso again? I did have the queso. It was the queso. I'll come back later. I don't feel... I can't do this. Not this, between us.

No, I love you more than anything. When I say my heart skipped a beat, between us. No, I love you more than anything. When I say my heart skipped a beat. No, of course, honey. I love you, I love you. No, I meant like this, holding up my hand. I won't do that again. I can't do this. Pickle ball?

No, I can't do... I can't wear this ring anymore. Oh, sorry. You were holding your hand. The way you were holding your hand, I thought you were miming pickle ball. My bad. No, that's not what I was doing. You don't want to wear your ring anymore. Oh, sorry. You were holding your hand. The way you were holding your hand, I thought you were miming Pickleball. My bad. No, that's not what I was doing. You don't want to wear your ring anymore?

I don't. And it has nothing to do with you. It's just, there was an incident at the bar, and I just... What was his name? What was his name? He'll regret it. It's really not a big deal. It's just that I'm not feeling like...

Put your hands down. I'm just not feeling... I'm starting to cry. Babe. I'm just not feeling mommy lately. I guess is the issue. And, um... Sorry, this is so stupid. I feel like if I were to stop wearing my wedding ring,

maybe trade it for something different, then I'd feel more mommy. Because people look at you, people look at, oh, he's married, he has a wedding band, oh, that's so daddy. Everyone's like, oh, he's daddy, but she's not mommy. And I want to be mommy because you're daddy. Does that make sense? I think I'm starting to get it.

I'm daddy. People look at me and they see daddy. People look at you and they just start salivating. They're like, oh, that's daddy. People look at me and they see daddy. People look at you and they just start salivating. You're like, oh, that's daddy. Sorry, salivating? Yes. Yeah, no, and I have noticed that, that people really sort of turn feral when I'm around. Yes, and then people look at me in the bar.

They see the ring and they drive. They're like, oh, that's mommy. And it's like because it's so arid for them as soon as they see the wedding ring. And so that's where I'm having the issue. Does that make sense? No, you've actually never sounded clearer headed to me in our whole marriage. Really? Whole relationship even.

Oh my God. Thank you so much for saying that. And, you know, I'm a carpenter by trade. We know this. I'm a problem solver. I'm a builder. I built this house for us. You remind me

every day, and I love you for it. I carried you up this hill in the wagon I built with my own two hands to our beautiful cabin. And I told you I could have walked on my own, and you said, nope. You're my queen. You don't have

to walk anymore. But babe, what, if not a wedding ring, what could you even wear that would be like? I don't know. Something that can signify that like, I'm still crazy. I'm still fun, but you'll never fully have me. That's true. We're always saying this. Every night before bed.

What's our little say our little ritual you you fully have me you know it's like we grab each other by the wrists right we sit crisscross applesauce in the bed we look each other in the eyes and what do we say we'll say it together right now we say we say you you fully have me and everyone else can never have me fully. Like fully. Like fully. Like fully, fully. We say you have me and no one else can ever have me fully.

Like fully. Yeah. And I love that ritual, babe. I do too. It makes me grow closer to you. I love how we border on maybe having an open marriage, but not quite. But never actually doing it.

Yes. Yes. So that's what I mean. So it's like, can we maybe like, oh my God, I've never been more in love with you in my entire life because I feel like we're on the same page. So we can like,

what if we traded out something, you know, not as, like, a wedding ring, you know? Right, right. Nuva ring? That goes on the inside. Or else I'd say yes. Right. But if you wore it on your finger, it might show that you're, like, looking for fun. That I fuck? Yeah.

Cut to me at the bar. Hey, excuse me. Name's Percy. Can I buy a drink? Oh, hand out like the same. Unchante. Is that, sorry, is that your Nuva ring? Nuva ring, yeah.

I am Mary, though, which is why it is on the ring finger of the left hand. I'm sorry, you took your Nuva ring out because you're married? Oh, because I'm fun, but you'll never fully have me. Right, right. I'm actually, um, I'm okay. Sorry. Uh, have the drink. Have the drink. It's fine. I'm, I'm gonna go. What was it? Wait, before you go, this is like the fifth guy tonight who's fleeing at the sight of my nuva ring.

Right. What is going on? Is it me? Is it the fact that I'm married? Does it not seem like I'm mommy because of that? No. I saw you across from the bar and I literally, no lie, said this to my buddy. I go, holy freaking crap. She looks mommy AF right now. Oh, that's so kind of you to say. I swear on my life, dude. That's what I said.

But then I guess I walked over and you had a used snoover ring on your hand. Right. And that made me really want to throw up um okay and so i yeah and so i and so i want to leave now if that's okay with you that's fine yeah no i get it okay cool you can go you shouldn't do that i won't please tell me you're gonna throw that away i'm gonna throw it because you can't use that again you're gonna get a really bad i'm gonna throw it away. Because you can't use that again. You're gonna get a really bad... I'm gonna throw it away. I'm a nurse practitioner. I would know you're gonna get a... Oh, that's amazing. Thank you.

It's gone. It's gone. It's out. It's in the trash. Good. Thank you. You have a great day. And we need to take a break. When mommy don't know she's wearing an uva ring on her finger at the bar. And you'll never fully have her. We'll be right back. She's wearing a NuvaRing on her finger at the bar. And you'll never fully have her.

We'll be right back. Guess who's back, back, back, back again. Peter Griffin. Wearing a used new va ring on her hand. Would it be crazy if I wrote a review? Sorry, review? Sorry, time out, man. Can you stop drinking during these episodes?

It's starting to really worry me. It's like you start out so strong, by the end of the episode, you're barely keeping your eyes open. This is for the Honey Cat Mood Ring in gold, rose gold, or silver. A bunch of sizes, minimalist, delicate jewelry. Ooh, delicate. This is a five star from Justine B.

I had to burp, so I had to move away from the microphone. Oh, could you still hear it? Yep. Oh, brutal. Justine B. Okay. Justine B. Okay. Justine Burping on mic. Justine Burping on mic.

I could barely hear it. Justine Burping on mic. Title is, such a fun, elegant ring. I really wanted a mood ring, but not one that was so obvious. I have to mix my hippie chick persona with my business persona. And this ring lets me do that. I love it. If you have to think about mixing your

hippie chick and your business, you're not a hippie. You're not. This is your new Jeff Foxworthy content. If you have to think about mixing your business and your hippie persona, well, then you might not be hippie. Hey, welcome in. Oh, thank you so much.

Hi, my name is Moonstone. You're looking to buy a house or apartment um yeah i am looking to buy an apartment um recently divorced uh single mom so something that works for me and the two little ones scorpio uh sorry scorpio um oh uh i, I don't really know that kind of stuff, but I think I'm a Libra. I don't even really know what that means, though, to be honest. Husband Scorpio, though? Husband. Yeah, I think he actually is a Scorpio.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. What did you know? Honey, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. You have hurt by a scorpio man written on you written on your face do i well there's no way i mean we just met i'm i'm laura by the way um moonstone yeah i know i know your name i know very very unique name um i picked it

oh that's cool yeah it's my birthstone so i said's good enough to be my birthstone is good enough to be my name. Yeah. Listen, I have to pick the kids up from daycare in about 30 minutes. So I'd love to just kind of fill out any paperwork that I need before. Are you going to pair me with a different realtor? Are you going to, sorry?

No, sorry. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. To what? No, absolutely. Yes. I am going to um i'm

gonna pair you with a different realtor um you might i just might like to look at the places i'm so sorry i hope i didn't offend no i was a i was a little taken aback but no you will be meeting you will be meeting a little friend of mine um who's going to be taking you around some properties oh uh awesome well i'm just going to take some basic information quickly. How many beds? How many baths? What side of town? Like just that kind of stuff.

I mean, ideally we'd love a three bed, but could do a two bed if one of them is big enough to have two beds in it. For the kids to share. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So three bed to two bath. Two bath, maybe three.

One for you, one for the boys. Okay. Of course. Yeah two bath. Two bath, maybe three. One for you, one for the boys. Okay, of course. Yeah. Three, you know, my God, if we could all have one. I know that's not possible. No, it's not. Okay, great. And I'm sorry, are you thinking more single family or are you thinking multi-unit is okay?

Either. You know, whatever. We kind of got to move soon. Okay. I'm staying with my parents and I just overstayed my welcome. No, absolutely. Hey, I hear you. Okay.

Wow. Can I just say, fuck, sorry. You're, sorry, I'm an empath. And I'm getting really moved right now by something in you. Have you ever been in a fire what my god have you ever been in a fire uh i mean i was i'm an actor and i i was in chicago fire i had a feeling i was just getting fire i was getting fire your aura is bright Sure. I mean, I had two episodes where I was trapped in a fire for five days. I'm getting a message. I'm getting a message.

Now, I don't know who this is. I don't know why they're saying it. Take a left. Sorry. So does an empath mean that you also hear spirits or ghosts? Okay, got it. Listen, this has been wonderful, Moonstone. I would love to meet with your friend.

My associate. So you said your associate. Talking about when we can tour some apartments. Absolutely. She's in the back. Let me go fetch her. Great. She walks into the back.

She walks back out again, wearing a different hat. Pleasure to meet you. Name's Marjorie. What can I do for you? Oh, that's very funny. You're your friend. Sorry.

I'm so sorry. I had to pick up my kids. Oh God. In about 10 minutes. So I really would love if I could meet your associate who I'm going to be touring with Moonstone. Yeah, it's me,

Marjorie. Sorry, Moonstone. I'm so sorry. I, I actually don't have the time for this today this is very nice hat

thank you I got it from business school it was a gift from a professor who I was inappropriately close with oh my god it's a fedora I can see that I know what a fedora is now Moonstone told me that you're looking for two to three beds

uh yes three baths Now, Moonstone told me that you're looking for two to three beds. Uh, yes. Three baths. Starting slowly back away to the door. Three bathroom ideal. You know that's not going to happen, right? Not in this city. Yeah, not in this city. You know what?

Um, I actually. I have the perfect place in mind. Don't. Okay. Are you available to see it? Um, I mean, I have to pick up my kids, but can I bring them? Absolutely. Children are always welcome on a tour. They're going to be living in the house as well, are they not?

Uh, yes, that is the point. Then shouldn't they get a say? I mean, whoa. I mean, I'm the mom. I am their guardian. I'm paying for their apartment. I mean, if they love it, yeah. I mean, if they really need it, obviously we're not going to live there. Absolutely, but wouldn't you want to know that your children like the home before you move in? Yeah, obviously. Sorry.

What's going on? I get told sometimes I come across as abrasive. I hope that's not what's happening right now. I guess I'm just confused because you are Moonstone and you just put on a hat and came back out. Actually, my name is Marjorie and I'm all business all the time. So let's get in my Prius and jet. Well, no, I'll meet you. I'm not getting in your car.

We can go pick up your kids in the Prius. Nope. I am going to take my car. They go to Stone? Yeah. Holy shit. So does my daughter. They go to Stone? Yeah. Holy shit. So does my daughter. Let's go get them. Okay, I will meet- I'm not going in the car with you.

Fine. I will meet you there. Okay, it's 33- Do you want the address of the house or not? How else will you meet me? Why are you being so mean? 33 West Maple Boulevard. Okay.

All right. See you soon. Cut to there. Mom, what are we doing with this lady? She's being kind of mean. I don't know her whole deal. I think something's going on. And it's going on.

And it's, we'll just, okay. Well, we love you. And we're so sorry you and dad went through that. But we're here for you. Thanks, kids. I love you guys so much. All right. Place is unlocked.

Shall we begin the tour? Yes. Is she a robot? I don't know. Maybe. Do you like playing basketball sport? Are you calling him sport? Yes, it's a term of endearment for a child.

Sport. You can answer her. Yeah, I like it. I mean, I prefer soccer. I like running around a lot well bully for you this place has got both a basketball hoop and a soccer goal oh wow that sounds awesome uh it sounds great it's interesting that they have for an apartment but it has well it's shared for the building it's in the courtyard i'm it No, that would be kind of wild. Look, I might be all business, but even I know how to take a joke, lady.

Whoa. Hey, boys, wait in the car. Do you like to cook? Boys, wait in the car. Go get in the car and lock the doors. Lock the doors as soon as you get in the car. I have the keys. Don't even worry.

Okay. Let go. Listen. You want to see the stove? No, we are not going in this apartment with you because earlier you were like hippie, I have the keys. Don't even worry. Okay. Let go. Listen. You want to see the stove or? No, we are not going in this apartment with you because earlier you were like hippie chick kind of vibe. And now I don't know what this is. No, that is you.

It is you in a hat. I take off the hat. Oh, groovy man. Where are we? Whoa, this is a rockin' apartment. I love this place. Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Do you like to cook?

You're a hippie and a businesswoman, I guess, instead of just being, like, good and evil. Girl, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. My name's Moonstone, and I'm a groovy hippie chick. And my associate Marjorie is all business all the time. Put the hat on again. I did not like that you did that. I was speaking

with you, not Moonstone. From now on, you... Whoa, groovy, man. Where are we? This apartment is nice. Do you like to cook? I hear this place has a gas stove. Pretty groovy, right? When are you from?

Worse for the kids. Better for us, right? For you? Yeah, because you can spliff up a doobie right on the gas stove. Can't do that with an electric. I'm going home. Oh, come on, man. We were just having fun.

I cut the hat in half. Put half on one side of your head. Groovy business. Excuse me. Are we ready for the groovy tour business? Blood trickling down her nose.

Groovy. She's a Westworld bot. Groovy business. Groovy. She's a Westworld bot. Groovy business. Groovy business, man. Shall we another? Mother, mother, may I have another? Mother, mother, may I have groovy business?

Do you like groovy business, Sport? We can spliff up a doobie on the gas oven groovy business business business sport we can token absolutely groovy doobie on the business sport there's a basketball hoop in the shared courtyard groovy groovy spluff spliff spliff

sport want to get high and shoot? Lauren. All business, all spliffs, all the time, sport. All business and no spliffs makes Moonstone a dull girl. Print that on a shirt and smoke it this is from Lauren K also for a mood ring the likes of which I've simply forgotten

this is Lauren Kerplunk Lauren Kerplunk great game you ever play Kerplunk as a child of course I loved that shit it's up there with Mousetrap for games that were fun to play wrong and not fun to play right Of course. come with a guide to tell you what your mood is. I bought this as a gift for a young girl who had not heard of

mood rings, and it not having a guide kind of defeats the purpose. Oh, Mama, on this, my 15th birthday, I can't wait to see what presents you have in store for me. Persephone,

you are going to love the gift Father and I have purchased for you. Come here. I can't wait. Can I open it now? Of course. The clock has struck midnight, Percy. Time to open away. Do you like the wrapping paper that Father and I picked out? I love it. It's tea-stained parchment. My favorite.

Just for our special girl. Sorry, Percy. I'm overcome with emotion. You're getting older and it's making Mother cry. Fifteen is such a tender age for a girl. Oh, I have to open it right away. Not yet a woman, no longer a girl. Go ahead and open it.

And wraps it. My goodness, what a beautiful ring. Oh, thank you so much, Mama. I do love jewelry. Beautiful ring for my beautiful girl. I put it on. Oh, my goodness. Oh, no, oh, no.

I'm frightened, Mama. I'm frightened. I can't. No. I take it off. Persephone, don't worry. It's a witch. There's a witch in the ring. No, that. I'm frightened. I can't. No. I take it off. Persephone, don't worry. It's a witch. There's a witch in the ring.

No, that ring is no witch. It's simply a marvel of science, my dear girl. You see, this ring, scientists have calculated in a laboratory a way by which a ring can tell you how you feel. And you put upon this ring your very finger, and it'll tell you how you feel on the inside. Thank goodness. Mother, that's fantastic. You know that I have such a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling.

If I'm wistful, if I'm a bit melancholy, you know that I do need some help discovering what, you know, not yet a woman, not quite a girl is feeling anymore. Of course. I, a grown woman, find it hard to discern my emotions. Must be difficult for a babe of nearly 15. Anyway.

If you are sure that there is no witch in the ring, then I shall put it on at once. No witch to be found here, my dearest sweet. Place upon your very finger that darling ring. It turns purple. My goodness. It's turning a shade of violet. How beautiful. Mama, what am I feeling now?

What does purple mean when the ring turns it so? Well, I'm... Well, I'm... I'm not quite your person, Effany. Let me check my diary. Goes to the bookshelf frantically pulling books off. Now, I know I had it around here somewhere. Oh, goodness.

Oh, goodness me. Oh, mother, it's turning green. No, no. It's turning the most horrific shade of sewage green. Oh, I despise it. Now, Persephone, that one I do recall. That means you're turning evil. Oh, I despise it. No. Now, Persephone, that one I do recall. That means you're turning evil. Oh, no. Oh, Mother, no. No. Maybe the witch I have feared is the witch in me all along. Yes,

because each girl has a little witch in her that upon her 15th born day may come alive and overtake her with evil. Mother, Was the witch in you on your fifteenth born day? I looked in the mirror, my dear Persephone, and a craggy old woman looked back and in that moment I knew that I contained within me a dark power

but I suppressed it and I met your father and the rest, as they say, is history. But do you think that I can overcome the witch in me? Because this ring, it's staying green. It's not even turning a pink or a yellow even. Oh my, that is quite the staying green.

We must get you to an apothecary. Quick, make haste, dear child. Cut to a CVS. We must get you to an apothecary. Quick, make haste, dear child. Cut to a CVS. Excuse me! Excuse me! Yeah, what can I do for you? Are you the master apothec at this here establishment? I'm the head pharmacist, if that's what you're asking, sure.

Yes, my dear darling girl has a witch inside her. Sweating profusely. Oh, I do need your help, Apothecary. I do need your help. The witch is trying to get out and I won't let her. I won't. I won't. Look at her. She's having quite the fit. Uh, oh, goodness. Oh, she's turning. She's turning green.

I told you, Mother. I told you I was turning green. Staying green. It really is. Oh, she's turning. She's turning green. I told you, Mother. I told you I was turning green. Staying green. It really is. Apothic. Yes? You know best as I that now is not a time for dawdling. Please.

I know. I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this before. It looks like it's maybe some kind of stomach flu by the color she's turning. What's she eating lately? She's just kind of like writhing around on the floor. A normal diet for a growing girl. Three parts liquid mercury to a lot of buckwheat. You're the

Shonderbergs from up on the hill. I know this family. Of course, the Shonderbergs from up on the hill. Look, I'm going to give her some antibiotics and maybe just some ibuprofen to bring down the fever a little bit.

Then you should be good to go. You're saying, is the apothecary going to bring down the fever a little bit, then you should be good to go. You're saying, is the apothec going to bring out the witch, brothers? Yes, child, make way for the apothec's beautiful remedies. Now, apothec, I have a question. We have some leeches at home. They're a little long in the tooth. They're getting a bit old. Are they still good, or should we get new leeches?

If you mean leeches just to have as pets, I think that's fine. No, I mean as a remedy. I was afraid you were going to say that. Um, no, I would say that that is an outdated practice. Um, I think these medicines should do just fine. Outdated, my word. Master Apothic, I swear, I mean not to besmirch your good name, but if they were good enough for Mozart, they're good enough for my daughter.

Let's go, Percy. Mother! Mother! She's turning, like, she's just turning all colors. Mother! The witch! Oh, Mother, the witch! It's happening! Oh, dear God, my baby girl. What's going on? Is she about to throw up? Is that what's going to happen? Is she going to throw up is that what's gonna happen is she gonna throw up no you fool she's turning to a witch she vomits

bile all of your souls will be mine oh my god oh my god oh my god I need to call somebody I need to call police I need to call coast guard I don't know what's going on master apothic I fear it is too late the only one she's starting to float just like Master Apothic, I fear it is too late. Too late?

She's starting to float. Just like... There is only one you should call. Who? Your priest. Request a final confession, for we are to die here tonight. At the hands of my beautiful bouncing girl. I'm not a girl, but not yet a woman.

She is no longer a girl, but not yet a woman, you see. Happy birthday to me. A flash of light. Everyone's eviscerate. Oh my God. Disney's new hit film, Turning Green, coming out in theaters everywhere. I think what I love about that, you guys will never see this, unfortunately, but Alf in that voice was kind of just, you were just kind of like moving, just kind of wiggling the whole time. You know, there was absolutely an embodiment that was necessary to achieve that voice.

Yeah, I really felt that. It was a lot of fun. Let's go to our last segment. This shook me all week long. I almost just fell back in my chair. Cool story, bro. Why don't you tell it again? Remember that?

And then I found $5. The last time I heard that, I fell off my motherfucking dinosaur. I'm so old. Jesus Christ was my camp counselor little wet on American summer for you what if we from now on we change the format of the podcast so it's just

us telling Mel Brooks jokes from 70 years ago what has been shaking you Alfred I don't get no respect that was a little bit of Rodney Dangerfield for you guys What's been shaking me all week long Can I say my blackout curtains For the ninth time

Okay I won't I was never gonna say that I've been on A real Caesar salad Kick recently God You're pissed I love a Caesar salad. It's just sad. Here's the thing about it. That's not sad. It's actually one of the most

beautiful things that can happen in a person's life is to go through a Caesar salad phase. So here's what you do if you guys don't know how to make a Caesar salad the way I do it. You buy a head of lettuce. You cut it up. You shred it, basically. Really fine. Throw it in the salad spinner. You spin it out.

You put it in a bowl. Croutons, fistful of Parmigiano, and then about a half a bottle of Newman's Own Caesar salad dressing. And the shit goes down like a house on fire. I love it. I love it. I could eat a Caesar salad genuinely every day for the rest of my life. You're going to get sick of it in a month.

No, no. I'm trying. Line in the sand right now. I will never get sick of eating Caesar salad. I love Caesar salad. It's going to be too much of a good thing. No. And then you're going to be over it.

You know what I did the other day? I got home. It was about 4.30. I was, well, how do I put this? Not quite hungry enough for dinner, not yet a woman. And I decided you know what I'll do? I'll have a cheeky afternoon

Caesar. And so I had a Caesar salad at 4.30 in the afternoon. It was just enough to tide me over until my cheeky afternoon Caesar. And I had, and then it like 8.30 rolled around. I got some enchiladas and it was amazing. It was a great day. You have dinner at 8.30 rolled around, I got some enchiladas and it was amazing. It was a great day.

You have dinner at 8.30? Sometimes. If I eat a fucking giant Caesar salad at 4.30, I do. What shook you, man? And please let it be Cobb salad. What's been shaking me is I'm doing one cup of coffee a day. I'm not going to use that as the full-wet chicken because we already know that right now. But what's been really shaking me is I'm getting back into playing Zelda

because I know the new Breath of the Wild is coming out in a couple months, I think. Zelda the Way of Water, absolutely. And it's so fun, but I'm stuck on a level right now and it's really hard. But i fucking love zelda dude um it's so much fun i'm also so a mix of that and i know i've said this is my what shook me maybe this episode hasn't come out yet but i love reading on my kindle and i love um i love reading

my kindle and i love reading it's like my new little ritual. Daniel and I have our little rituals of like we get ready for bed, we're in bed and then we each read for a bit. He has a hardcover book and I have my Kindle. But then if he wants to go to sleep early, we can turn the lights out and I can still keep reading, baby.

So I guess it's a mix of what shook me. The mix is I love video games and reading. So I guess I'm really well-rounded and balanced and awesome. Absolutely, absolutely um i think like a for a fun experiment you and daniel should do a thing where like for an hour one night you have to play madam and he has to like full attention watch an episode just i showed my mom an episode and she was like, what is going on?

We've said it before, we've said it again on the show. If you haven't watched at least the first season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. I'm on season three now. I'm three episodes into season three. You're missing out. Okay. It is incredible. We love our messy women here on Review Review.

And I'm about to start a new season after this. And I feel like I've just started with the best. I know it's tough you can't nothing OC New York nothing will ever compare to the unhingedness of Salt Lake. Did you know that

in addition to watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City you can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt you can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, Reddit r slash ReviewReview, and Twitter at ReviewReview, I don't know why I said that, that was just a habit, we don't even use it really, and the ReviewReview

Discord. I didn't know that, that's fucking crazy. Come on. You can also find the show on Facebook at ReviewReviewPod. Can you imagine? We were on Facebook. You can also find Riley and spa on instagram.com only the web browser

not the app at Riley and spa and on twitter.com for as long as it lasts at Riley coyote and as we say every single week on the show no longer And as we say every single week on the show. No longer a girl. Not yet a woman.

Bye. That was a HeadGum original.