Review Revue - Moving Companies

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Alf and Reilly pay 1.5 million dollars to move in with some dude.  This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Yeehaw! Oh, yeah! Listening to this show is a chore. Ants cough and bark while they make my asshole sore. They keep on lying about who they are. It doesn't make sense. I don't need wipers for my car Must keep on scrubbing ahead

Maybe they'll explain this before I am dead It just doesn't make any sense Why would Alfred get defensive over fish? Enlighten me Set me free Explain to me Improvisational comedy I swear to fucking god

I'm trying Enlighten me Explain to me Why Riley talks like a baby I missed therapy For the past three weeks Cause of this Oh yeah

Wow We are coming in strong with a banger In fact, the title of the email is Another Carrot Snatch Banger Carrot Sn banger. This is from Andy. Andy says, sorry I haven't submitted a theme song in a while.

Life sometimes has a way of preventing me from screaming into a microphone about fucking oil filters. Hope you're well. Please enjoy this parody of City Escape from Sonic Adventure 2. P.S. Sorry if this isn't mix slash perform well.

I washed down 10 Benadryls with a quart of eggnog right before I recorded the vocals. That's awesome. Andy, I thought it was perfect. I'm sorry we didn't play the entire thing, but it is incredible. And I also don't know why I talk like a baby. I also don't know why I talk like a baby. I think it's because you're a baby. You're a goo-goo-ga-ga-ass baby who is wah-wah-wah about their baby-ass hurt feelings.

Okay. That's kind of my thoughts on it. Okay. Well, we don't have to fully get into it now. We can, though. No, no, no. We don't have to. I mean, it's like we can do anything. We have free will, but it's like we don't have to fully get into it now. We can, though. No, no, no. We don't have to. I mean, it's like we can do anything.

We have free will, but it's like we don't have to. Some of us do. Alf, it's summer. It's literally summer. We're really knee-deep into summer. Hot summer in the city. Yeah, I love You don't know that? The Loving Spoonful? I love, because you're not 75

like I am. I love summer. I famously am a person who hates winter. And so I live in a city that's winter for nine months a year. But no, it's summer. It's like 90 degrees today. I love it. I'm going to go to the beach later.

Yeah, that's right. Even the Midwest has a beach and it is a real beach. And anyone who says it's not a real beach can choke. Nothing like summer in the city. Nothing like sweaty summer in the city. Someone in a rush next to Alfred looking pretty. Okay, thank you, thank you. I probably will be looking pretty.

That reminds me of something that happened to me last summer, which is that I was- The summer I turned pretty. The summer I turned pretty. The name of my memoir. I was waiting to cross the street. Don't fucking look at me like that. Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Let's do the whole Zoom with our eyes closed. I call episodes of the podcast as soon as now um i uh i was waiting to cross the street and i was standing behind a woman on a jog and i was waiting to cross the street with with a friend of mine and uh i uh well i shouted as i was telling a story i started telling a story that was i was waiting for the bus the other day. And I said it really loud. And the woman who was jogging with her headphones in jumped so bad. Like she thought I was going to murder her.

Cause I guess she didn't realize that there was someone behind her. And I just went, I was waiting for the bus the other day. And she looked so scared. And the people that I was with, they were all like trying not to laugh at me, at the woman. Right.

And that's what summer is really like for me. So summer for you is scaring women? Not on purpose. Summer for you is like inadvertently scaring women. Speaking of scaring women, how the hell are you? Fuck off. I'm good.

I'm great. I just ate a peach. And yeah, that's how are you? Fuck off. I'm good. I'm great. I just ate a peach. And yeah, that's how you know it's summer. When you eat a peach from the grocery store, that's a little underripe, but you're going to eat it anyway because it's a peach and it's summer. Oh. It was fine. It was kind of hard. They were burnt.

Yeah. I mean, listen. I'm picturing you raking your teeth, shattering them. I mean, sure. Did I chip three teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm good. listen what what oh what oh fucking hell i do think that when good when ripe when at their best the peach is my favorite fruit interesting you don't agree i love a peach i do love a peach

um i think i what's your favorite fruit man when you can't say me i agree i love a peach i do love a peach um i think i what's your favorite fruit man when you can't say me i love i love a mango okay i love a mango um i also love frozen green grapes is one of my favorite snacks i love frozen grapes but again i agree better than red that reminds me me. For frozen? Yes. Yes. I have them in my freezer. I'm going to have them later. And frankly, raw.

Not frozen. I prefer green grapes to red grapes. It depends. I got to be in the right mood for green grapes. Okay. I have such a specific thought and memory about green grapes. I remember watching, I forget what Harry Potter it is, but when I was a kid watching Harry Potter, and there's one, not that I've not seen it since I was a kid watching harry potter and there's one like and is it not that i've not seen it since i was a kid but it's like i remember specifically this memory from when i was a child

of like story watching this like they're like in study hall but like in the great hall and there's like a bunch of snacks out for them and there's like exams probably yes yes yes yes and um there's a lot of like green grapes and water and like water green grapes no no oh yummy no i just but it's like whenever i have like green grapes and maybe like some pretzels and water i feel like oh this is like a work study snack like i feel like light and studious like harry potter light and studious like harry potter i mean jesus let's get to the topic you might want to pin that you might want to pin that talk about that with your your better help um we are talking but we're not talking about being light and studious like harry potter we're not talking what are we talking about wait oh no you said

your favorite fruit is maybe peach um but yeah i i mean we're not talking about What are we talking about? Wait. Oh, no. You said your favorite fruit was maybe peach. But yeah, I mean, we're not talking about fruits. Peach, mango, strawberry. Those are all up there for me. Frozen green grapes, mango, raspberries, blueberries. I mean, and let's be honest.

What fruit do I eat more than any other fruit? Banana. Banana is the real workhorse fruit for me. I'm having many banana. We're here to talk. Alf, why don't you intro the topic? Of course.

So we're not here to talk about fruit. Although one thing I will say, sometimes you eat too much fruit. You know what I mean? And that gets your bowels moving. A chugging. Sometimes you eat too many fruit. Oh oh i see what you did there your little bit of your digestive system moving a little too fast a little thing called diarrhea mama and uh god moving through your bowels isn't the only kind of movement out there there's also

moving to the rhythm of the beat, moving houses even. And if you are going to move houses, sometimes you use movers, moving companies. Moving companies, moving companies. I'm moving out! That was Billy

Joel. I love a moving company. Speak on that. i love a moving company i love speak on that i love a moving company speak on that what the fuck does that mean i do it just means that they are doing the lord's oh i see what you mean yeah they are working so hard yes and and they are unbelievable it's worth it to me i will always moving companies are always worth it i've also knock on wood i've not had a bad experience in moving company i've not had anything like break or anything like that um the moving companies are unbelievable my last move was the first time i'd i'd uh i'd hired

movers um for my move um and it was incredible i have a piece of furniture it's kind of like a cabinet with a desk built into it you can see it behind me it's an antique it's a gorgeous piece gorgeous gorgeous it's a gorgeous it's a dark mahogany it's a gorgeous piece gorgeous but it does weigh upwards of three thousand pounds and i could cannot physically move it uh it is so fucking heavy and when i moved one guy strapped it to his back and just through pure strength of will unbelievable carried it on his back up three flights of stairs into my apartment and i was like that alone is worth the entire price of admission yes is just to not have to deal with that one piece of furniture and it's like if they're going to be dealing with that one piece of furniture fuck it yeah i could lift my mattress but i don't want to i'm getting older my back is giving up on me and I just can't risk it.

You know what I mean? Again, same. That was my only experience to date with movers, but when I move again here in a month or so, I will be using the same company again. I love it. I love them. I'm going to propose.

I'm in love. I will be proposing to all three of the movers. Yeah, I love it. I don't care. I love it. I crashed my car into a bridge. I love it. Daniel and I used movers when we moved into our new apartment, and

we have a, I mean, behind me, Alfred, you can see, we have an orange couch in our office. I've sat on that. You have sat on it, and it becomes a bed. Whoa! And it's a pull-out couch. It's a very nice pull-out couch.

We got it from our family friends, and it's really lovely. And it comes apart. It's very complicated to take apart and put back together completely. And so you had to do that with this couch because of the bed nature of it and the width to be able to get into our apartment. And Daniel and I were like, okay, well, it's like the movers, as long as they, you know, if they leave the parts of the couch in the office, we can put it back together. They just did it.

They just did it. That's awesome. They just did it. That's awesome. We didn't ask them to do it. We even said, we're like, just leave it there. We've got it. And they're like, no worries.

They just did it. didn't ask them to do we even said we're like just leave it there we've got it and they're like no worries they just did it they're unbelievable and pullout couches are some of the heaviest yes this couch is unbelievably heavy earth they are so fucking heavy and when we moved it into our old place daniel elizabeth and our friend avi and i we had to all work together put it on like a dolly and like it was a whole thing we had to take it apart to then put it back together in the other room. It was a mess. And so the movers were just like, no worries, we got it. They're unbelievable. So I love, I love movers.

But then again, knock on wood, I have yet to have like any kind of bad experience with movers or moving company. But even still, I don't care. One bad experience, doesn't matter. They're incredible. They're incredible. When I first got this incredibly heavy desk thing that I was talking about, I got the antique store that I bought it from. They delivered it to me.

I paid some of their guys to deliver it to my house because it was so fucking handy. And these two guys show up and they're incredibly ripped. And one of them is this older guy. But he's like one of those jacked old dudes you know what i mean and he's lifting it he's lifting it it was so heavy he just dropped it no like on his leg and i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god and he just kind of like pushed it off his leg and was like well not not don't worry about it and just like kept lifting it and i was like if that had happened to me i would have been done i would have been yes i would have been like

you can get it up the next flight of stairs your fucking self like no absolutely no fucking way 100 yeah it was awesome um heaviest thing i've ever lifted um my brother and i once uh tried to or did successfully remove a waterlogged uh exploded water heater from our house uh our childhood house and that thing weighed so fucking much and it it literally i thought i was gonna die and the idea of doing that every day it's incredible i love these men I want to marry them all. Um, I guess we should start talking about reviews before you get too hot and heavy. I'm getting- Heavy like that dresser

desk. I'm getting steamy like that uh, tell me the scuttlebutt. What's going on? What's on there? What's your review? Tell me. What's the scuttlebutt? What's the scuttlebutt? I can't wait for the scuttlebutt? What's the scuttlebutt? I can't wait for the scuttlebutt jokes to be even more dated by the time this goes in another two weeks. I got that scuttlebutt. This is for Poseidon Moving in Boston, Massachusetts.

Yeah! This is five stars from Nick L. Nicholas Nick. This is five stars from Nick L. Mmm. Nicholas. Nick. Nick. Nick. Leviathan.

Nick Leviathan. Five stars. Yep. Nick Leviathan. Five stars. This is the first ever Yelp review I ever done. I love a lot of restaurants I went to, but never bothered to use extra time to describe them. But Poseidon must have done something

amazing since now I'm onto my first ever Yelp review. Maybe it was the precise and concise communication platform design. Maybe it was the punctuality, speedy and professional moving motion by Emmett, Efnell, and Dilshat. Maybe it was the friendliness of all the people throughout the interactions. Or maybe, I guess most definitely, because they saved a lot of my time and effort. And now I'm just promoting for them just like all the other reviewers did, as you can see. The best money I ever spent in 2019, for sure. What can I say more? I mean, I don't like moving. Who does?

But I look forward to meeting and working with them again, if I have to have another move. And Oleg from Poseidon Moving Team did respond to all of that and just said, Hello, Nick. Thank you for taking your time to share your experience. We appreciate your support. Thank you, Poseidon moving team. It's the next time he's moving. He gets them, the same company,

to come over. Hey! Hey! Are you Nick? Oh my god, you remembered. Sorry. Yeah, hi, hi And you are Emmanuel Yeah, that's right

My hand is soaking wet Oh, giving Poseidon a run for their money, huh? Oh my god, oh my god Sorry, this is so embarrassing God, you're like celebrities I can't believe you guys are taking the time out of your The time, taking the Tim What? No, I'm Nick taking the time out of your... The time? Taking the Tim? What? No.

I'm Nick. Taking the time out of your day to help me move. So how's it... Please come in. Sorry. Come in, first of all. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, come on in. Come on in. Yeah. Can I get you guys a water snack? LaCroix? Spindrift? I'm good. You guys... A beer? no we appreciate it

but we we don't we don't tend to drink on the job you know it can get it can get

pretty dangerous actually the work so we try it out totally I mean well if you want to we could just you could

you could drink it and like metabolize it and like hang out and sober up nah we could hang out

no we have we have a few more moves to do today so yeah if you just want to like walk us do a quickthrough, show us everything that needs to go, that'll be great. You notice there's, like, there's nothing packed up.

Like, there's no evidence that I am moving at all. Okay, well, yeah, let me walk you guys through. I'm sorry. This is the living room. We do have a switch. And, yeah, we have four of the good controllers not just the joystick ones that it's like you have to connect onto it so if you guys want to play that we can do that no hey hey hey nick yeah i'm sorry um we we didn't bring boxes or anything you checked on

the website uh they told us that you didn't need packing up they said it was just a pickup drop off job i'm sorry do you are you gonna need like a boxes for the switch and the tv and everything because if so we're gonna have to go back to the warehouse to get that that's gonna oh that's a whole different move that's a whole different move that's a whole different move god you guys are so smart you're so smart to have the foresight to be like we'll need to go back and get boxes because you don't have any. Well, I don't know. That's not normal.

What? I just want to let you know. No, it's not normal. Like, you guys are different. It's pretty standard. Not everyone would say that. Not every mover would be like, hey, oh, you don't have that?

Let me go get it. Cool. What I'm trying to say is, God, I know you guys are busy. I know you're probably looking around and thinking, what are we doing here? Yeah, I was starting to. I'm just going to catch the chase because I'm nervous. And come on, Nick, you've been practicing this for weeks. I love you guys.

I'll just say it. And maybe it is the powerhouse muscle that you all have. Maybe it's the quick, speedy communication that we all share. Or maybe it's just something unspoken. But I don't know if I want to be you or join your team or have sex with each and every one of you. Maybe it's a bit of all three, but I, I would be remiss if I didn't take the time just to share my feelings and hope you feel maybe the same.

And yes, let me, let me, I'm not moving. I'm not moving. Okay. I just had to book your guys's time to come over here because I don't know how else to get in touch with you any other way.

Can I please? Of course, please. God, there's rambling Nick again. Yeah, I just want to stop you before you say anything else that might embarrass yourself later. But I feel like you've already done that. Shit, not again. Not again.

Nick, buddy, you seem like a really nice guy. I know that tone. Not again. Nick, buddy, you seem like a really nice guy. And, you know, I do. I know that tone. Yeah, I do actually remember you now from the last move. I didn't at first, but some of those, you know, I heard some of the things you were saying, and I was like, oh, well, I heard this before. And, you know, we're flattered.

We really are. And it's, you know, we want you to know it's it's not your fault um we don't blame you um we tend to have this effect on people um you know but i can assure you none of those other jokers feel the way that I do. Oh, Nick, I, I think they do. You know, it's something about the sheer power, I think, that we have physically, emotionally, mentally. Yes, I can attest. I think since there's nothing here that needs to be moved, since that's not a real move, since you lied. Well, that's not true. No, no, no, no. Don't leave. Don't leave.

Don't leave. Don't leave. No, no, no. You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself, buddy. I just topple over a bookcase. Here, let's pack this up and I can come with you to the warehouse and we can get boxes together. What about this? I like dump

all of the silverware out into the kitchen. All of those need to be boxed up. Right? Right? The two guys that I'm with, one just goes and puts the bookcase right up and re-puts the books on it and it's shocking. In like 10 seconds he puts it on. The other one goes

to the silverware drawer. It's completely just like spotless oh my god that's that's on the house obviously that's on the house no please let me pay and if i can't pay with money then let me let me maybe buy you a drink or if you don't drink then maybe i could buy you a meal or or something no we we don't we don't need that um we actually, we're paid very well. And this is really... You better be. Because I'll hurt whoever is... No, the company takes good care of us.

Okay, we're really, it's a great gig. We're all very happy. But we are going to have to go. Okay? Because this was not real. You lied to us. And it would be unprofessional for us to stay Okay. Cause this was not, this was not real. You lied to us and, and, and it,

it would be unprofessional for us to stay or to play your switch or, or drink your beer or, or anything like that. So we are going to have to go. But thank you so much for all. Is there somebody else? Sorry. Is there someone else? Well,

I'm married. I do. That's nothing to me. That doesn't matter. I mean, mean is there are you going to someone else's house yes we have two more moves today we have a three bed uh moving just across town and then and then later we're putting a studio in storage so it's an easy day for us we're not worried um. But we are going to have to get going because those are, you know, we do have to get to those clients on time. What do I have to do?

For us, nothing. This is free of charge. It was a simple mistake. That's not what I mean. What do I need to do to make sure that we can stay in each other's lives? I don't care how. I don't care how. I don't care how. Um.

I guess. Money you want. I have it. I am. I am unbelievably well off. Oh. But I would hope that this relationship wouldn't just rely on compensation. I'm. I'm worth $7 million.

Whoa. I wouldn't have guessed it looking around this place. No offense. It's just kind of bad in here. Well, that's the thing. I don't know what to do with my stuff my money my life my emotions i need someone to move well me um we've never i guess we've never really done an arrangement like this before but um yeah i, I guess if you're willing to pay, maybe we could come up with something.

If I give you guys each $500,000, will you move in with me? Yes, absolutely. That's a life-changing amount of money. And I would, I mean, is there a term on that like for a year indefinite but i get the money up front you get the money up front so there's nothing to stop me from leaving once i have the money well i mean i would hope that you know you get the money but you couldn't stop me i guess not but i don't You have a deal. I cut you guys each checks. And these are good.

These are good. These will just clear. These are good. No one's going to be. And now, okay, I will let you guys play Yoshi, whoever wants to play, because normally I'm Yoshi. But if you want to crack open a couple of cold ones and get those carts up and running. We do have to get to this other move. So we'll be back tonight

though. Roommate, we can hang out or something. So don't worry about that. We'll be back later, we promise. I believe you. Why would I not? I have no reason not to. Because we all

are in it for the long haul. Sure are, champ. Okay, we'll see you later, are champ we'll see you later I'll see you later I will see you later hours go by just sitting at home with the Mario Kart home screen just on the song has been playing

for like 6 hours there's a knock at the door oh thank god oh my god get the hair wrong okay hi hi hello uh hey there I have uh I have 13 pizzas

oh yes I'm so sorry yes six pepperoni three Hawaiian two sausage one veggie yes one veggie. Yes. One veggie. Perfect.

Thank you so much. Let me sign that. And you know what? Why don't I throw in a tip? Here's $25,000. Oh, good one. Good one. You almost had me there.

No, here. Here's a check for $25,000. What is this, from a joke shop? No, it's Here's a check. Oh, come on. For $25,000. What is this, from a joke shop? No, it's from my pocket. If my pocket is a joke shop, then I'm Mr. Magorium's wonder emporium. You sure are zany, mister. I'm gonna go. Hey, I'm having a party tonight. Oh, for real?

You're not invited. I just wanted to let you know that three of my best friends are coming over, and that's what all the pizza's for. Maybe I got overexcited. Maybe they're not going to eat all of it. You ordered 13 pizzas for three people? Well, they're hungry guys. They're movers.

That's more than four. I don't know if you've heard of them. They're at Poseidon Moving Company and they live with me now. You live with the guys from Poseidon? I sure do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I ordered a lot of the meat pizzas because it's like, you know, they need the protein. They're

movers. They moved my stepmom like two years ago and I have been obsessed ever since. That's crazy you live with those guys. Wow. I know. I know.

I mean, I can see why. I can see why. You can see why they want to live with me too? Of course. What? Stop it. No, I mean, look at you. I mean, you're hot.

You're clearly rich. I mean, they'd be crazy not to live with your ass oh come on no i'm serious what's your name oh you don't care about that i do i do i mean not really but dylan dylan i'm nick uh you could see that on the check i just wrote you but um thank you and hey maybe you'll find movers of your own one day yeah maybe or maybe I'll who knows maybe I'll end up living with them with who?

the movers or it was a joke I don't mean it like the Poseidon guys you would never do that well they would never live with you oh sorry yeah I guess no i guess they

might they probably wouldn't probably they definitely wouldn't why they definitely wouldn't live with you why because well dylan come on what dylan i don't want to be the bad guy here, but it's like there's people like me and there's people like you. I'm their soulmate, and you're just a guy. Whatever, man. Shows what you know. Sorry. Hey, hey, don't get in your car just yet. I'm sorry.

I'm leaving. Goodbye. I just want to say I'm sorry. Cut to the next week The mover still never came Knock on the door Oh thank god you guys are here I've been waiting so Hey

Remember me? Uh Dylan, the pizza guy Oh, the pizza guy, Dylan, yeah Hey man, how you doing? Yeah, pretty good Thought you might just want to meet my new roommates Oh, nice

Got a new living situation, good for you Yeah Holds his phone, it's's on facetime it's the three movers they're in his apartment they're all in a studio apartment yeah okay guys guys oh my god you must have gotten the wrong address i have mario kart up booted wait the pizzas are all still like on the counter it just flies it's just hey dylan dylan dylan hand me to nick hand me to nick i want to see they want to talk to me oh thank god emmanuel hi i'm so sorry i must have given you guys the wrong address or maybe you didn't remember sad little man you're a sad little man nick the way

that you the way you talked to dylan that night was unacceptable he told us what happened and we we were if you can if you want to know the truth we were on our way to go move in with you. When we ran into this kid, we stopped for gas. And we saw this pizza delivery kid crying his eyes out at the Shell station, filling up with gas. And he told us what you did. And we vowed never. I gave him $25,000. And you also gave him

scars emotionally all right your piece of work man you're a freaking piece of work well what do i need to do to get you guys to come back it's gonna be another 500k each that I can do. And you promise you'll come back? It's $750 now. We just talked. Each. And you promise you'll come back? We will definitely come back if you give us

three quarters of a million dollars each. Okay. Send off. It should be in your bank accounts as we speak. I'm wiring wire transfer. And another hundred K for Dylan. He doesn't deserve it. You hurt his feet.

Okay. Then we're not moving in. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine Dylan now. Okay. And, uh... So I'll see you guys soon? No, one more. One more condition.

Okay. Dylan gets to come with us. We freaking love this guy. No. No? Okay, then we won't... No, then we're not moving in with you. Oh my god.

But Dylan sucks, dude. But I only have four controllers, and there's four of us. Okay, then you sit out. I'm not going to sit out of my Mario Kart game. We can take turns. You won't be sitting out always. It's you. We can take turns.

We can rotate. Dylan, if you move in, you literally aren't allowed to talk to any of them. Okay, deal. Great. Cut to, like, Christmas. They're all just sitting. The three movers are just, like, so many presents

sitting around them, and, like, Nick and Dylan off to the side. You guys like your presents? Wow, you got us so many stuff. Yeah. I love you guys. So much stuff. Wow.

Should we... Oh, Dylan, you got us... Oh, I'm sorry. There's like all these big, brightly wrapped packages, but there's just this little one with like a little bow on it. Is this for you, Dylan? Well, that looks small and bad. Yeah, that's for me.

Oh, come on. Do you mind? Sorry, Nick. Do you mind if we open Dill's first? Sure. Yeah, that's fine. Say the best for last, right? Yeah, or start strong.

Open it up. Wow. what is it what the hell buddy what is it it's a picture of sorry it's a picture of the day we first met oh my god the shell station is just like crazy

how much we've grown as a family since then knock on the door. Are you gonna get it, Nick? Uh, I guess. Get the door, Nick! Hello? Where is he? Woman holding a child.

Where is Emmanuel? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who the hell are you? Emmanuel! What are you doing here? My God. I'm making a living. I'm making the money. Come home.

I made us $1.25 million. That's what you've been doing here? Yeah, I have a situation. An arrangement. As long as you don't kiss on the mouth. Whoa, whoa, no, excuse me. We don't kiss. It's not that kind of thing. We don't kiss. It's not that kind of thing.

So then what is this kind of thing? I guess... Oh, you go. I was gonna say, I was gonna just go off on how much I love you guys and hear my life partners, but you go off. I was going to say, I was going to just go off on how much I love you guys and hear my life partners. But you go off. I was going to say, I think I'm a Finn doll. To take a break. and we're back alph's a fin dom and for those of us who don't know what that means. Alf, could you explain that? Sure. Fin dom is an abbreviated form of financial dominatrix,

or basically it's the dominant kind of form of sexual gratification that one gets from basically extorting money. So you have fin dom, fin sub. So basically in that scene emmanuel uh sort of came to the realization that he kind of found gratification sexually um from making this sad man pay him money um and i think what we also learned is probably that nick the character of nick uh was also getting some kind of sexual gratification. All right.

Do you want to do our next review? Absolutely money out to these strong young men. So this is a one-star review for College Hunks moving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a chain. And that's not relevant to the move. It's a chain. that's not relevant to the move

like it's a chain it's not relevant to the move but that is the name of the company um and uh this is a one star from Kayla D Kayla damn Daniel back at it again with the packing peanuts

this is a one star review from Kayla damn Daniel back at it again with the packing peanuts. This is a one-star review from Kayla. Damn, Daniel, back at it again with the packing peanuts. One star. Made an appointment for 2pm today. No one showed. 30 unanswered calls

and one hour later, same number finally answered, where a woman said that Brad had a family emergency. Not sure what that has to do with the movers he hired to come here. Oh my god. And then Brad responds. Responding with much remorse.

I had a family emergency and left my work phone and computer alone with what I thought was a reliable, responsible source. I was wrong. If you still need to be moved, I would love to do your move for half the cost. My sincere apologies. Oh. My. God. Just the idea of so actively subtweeting your coworker by being like, I thought I left my phone with somebody who could handle the pressure.

I was wrong. I was wrong. Gathering all of the college hunks together in like a workroom, workspace meeting room. All right. All right, you guys. Listen up, listen up. I know everyone has been very eagerly awaiting

who is going to replace me as I step down from CEO of College Punk's moving company. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All right, you guys. The boss is on the loose. Oh, come on, you guys. Listen, I love you guys. You're all like sons to me.

You know, the fact that like I started this company when I was in college. And now you guys, all you colleges are taking the reins. It could make me happier. So, hey, come on. Hey, DeMarco, stop barking like a dog, man. All right. So I'm just going to cut to the chase. I don't need to give a whole sappy story about how much this has meant to me, how you've moved my heart, my life.

Speech, speech, speech, speech. No, no, no. What I will say, what I will say is that you guys have changed my life. You know, the missus and I, I know you all know about our infertility issues. And so we couldn't have biological kids of our own. Papa swimmers don't swim. Papa swimmers don't swim. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No tails on those fuckers. Hey, come on, Peterson. What I have found is a love and a family in you all here. And that's why it's been really hard to figure out who is going to take over the company now that I'm stepping down. Everyone starts chanting, Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug!

Of course. Of course. I know that you guys want Big Doug in the running. Big Doug is just like a giant fucking dude. Just like. Come on, guys. Come on. You know.

I know Big Doug is in the. Hey. Hey, you are in the running. And I'm not going to name names yet. Boss. I trust whatever you want to do. No disrespect. I understand whatever you want to do. No disrespect. I understand it's a tough call.

Thank you, Big Doug. Of course. When I was figuring out who I want to succeed me, I thought, I want someone trustworthy. I want a good man. I want a good man. I want a strong man. I want a good man. I want a strong man. I want a loyal man.

I want one of the big dogs. Big dog, big dog. I want a college hunk. But I want someone you can bring home to your mother. I want someone who you could leave dishes alone with, trusting that they'll be packaged up nice and neatly and none of them will be broken. Run, bro.

I want someone with a deft touch, a spring in their step, a kind of customer service that is unfathomable, yet to be beat. Big Doug? And, you know, when I thought about the frontrunner to take over this position, I thought, I don't know if they have those qualities. I don't know if I can trust them in the way that I could maybe trust somebody else I'm thinking of.

Big Doug's scratching his head. And so I thought, wow, Jason, maybe the frontrunner's not the person you thought at all. Maybe the person who was meant to take over College Hunk's moving company isn't a hunk at all. All the heads are turning to Simon, who's sitting in the back. Simon Lever? Oh, sorry, were you guys talking to me? I had my headphones in. I was watching TV.

Simon Lever, you better put down the Apple TV app on your phone and get on up here and buy an Apple Watch with the money that you're going to be making as the new CEO of College Hunks Moving Company. Nobody cheers. It's just silent. Big dog. Leave her. I hardly know her.

Big cheers. Big dog. Big dog. Big dog. Big dog. Big dog! Big dog! Big dog! Hey, but boys, boys, calm down, calm down. Why is nobody excited for Simon? Um, boss, gee, I mean, I'm really flattered, but I don't know if... I feel like the boys are right. I don't know if I'm the most...

Big dog! I'm not sure I'm the most natural fit Big Doug Big Doug Big Doug Big Doug Big Doug Big Doug

Hey, hey, hey Big Doug That's enough Big Doug I know you guys all wanted Big Doug Trust me, I've heard it a million times But guys, Big Doug, I love you And you are the strongest human person I've ever seen in my entire life guys all wanted big doug trust me i've heard it a million times but guys big doug i love you and

you are the strongest human person i've ever seen in my entire life you could crush my head with your fingers i understand hey what the hell is that listen boss but that's let me cut you off right there you You stand up. It's just like eclipsed all the lights in the room. The ceiling tiles are buckling. Yeah. His shoulders. I hate to have to do this, boss.

But I think we need to bring this to the shareholders. No. I think we gotta. I'm sorry, boss. I think the board is gonna agree that you've lost it. Because Big Doug is the only natural choice. Am I right, boys?

Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug! Big Doug. Big Doug. Big Doug. Big Doug. Big Doug. Big Doug.

Big Doug. Big Doug. That rabbit. Big Doug. Oh, my God. No, guys, I'm putting my foot down. I am the CEO of this company. I am stepping down.

I am saying it is Simon. Simon Lever is taking over the College Honks Moving Company. That's it. End of discussion, boys. We'll see what the chairman has to say about that. Cut to meeting with the chairman of the company. It's Big Doug. Big Doug, you can't appoint yourself as chairman this is a very small business

it's a small business and this is not we don't have this kind of higher ups i am the top ranking official in this small business oh let me call the board to order it's just a bunch of the guys it's everybody for the meeting. Big Doug. Big Doug. Big Doug. Settle down. Settle down. Boys.

Boys. Boys. Bored boys. Bored boys. Who do we want? Big Doug. When do we want him? Big Doug.

Why do we want him? Big Doug. How do we want him? Big Doug. Where do we want him? Big Doug. Where do we want it? Big Doug. The defense rests. This is not a court.

Guys, Simon is the leader now. Okay? Simon, you got to start acting like it. Because I know you can. I know you have it in you. So, Simon, why don't you give a speech and show all these guys what you're made of, dude. Okay. You know, guys, the boss

is right. You're the boss, Simon. You are the boss. The old boss is right. Was right. I'm not the biggest guy. I was never the biggest guy. Big dog.

School. No, settle down. In school. You know. not the biggest guy i was never the biggest guy big school no settled down in school you know the other kids they would pick on me and big dog i learned to be smart and then as i got older and after i went to prison i learned how to get by, not off brute strength, but a little thing called street smarts. Big Doug? And if there's one thing I learned in my time inside, it's that respect has to be earned, not given freely. Big Doug. So, if you boys take a chance on me, give me, I don't know, say a week as a trial. I think you might be pretty pleased with the results.

Big Doug, are you appeased? Big Doug, we'll give one week. Simon, can I just play you a side for a second? Sure. When I told you that I wanted you to take over, you never mentioned any of this to me. I just, I thought you had a great mind for business. Thanks. You had a really charismatic personality,

and were a good leader. I don't, it sounds like maybe something illegal is going to happen this week. Hey, boss. Why don't you shut your pretty little fucking mouth? Oh my god. You made your decision.

It's too late to back out now. All the guys look at each other. Simon. Little Simon has a thing or two to say boss. Simon. You were, uh, has a thing or two to say, boss. Simon.

You were weak. You were always weak. Big Doug knew it. I knew it. All the boys knew it. Simon. Simon. You're a coward.

Simon, what the hell is wrong? You're a freaky little coward who nobody likes. I took you in for the summer because your parents wouldn't let you come home. Yeah, bitch. And I learned a thing or two from that. Simon! I learned that you never give handouts to anybody because they'll just stab you in the back

like I'm about to do to your dumbass. Simon! Simon! Simon! You can get out. You can get out. Or I'm gonna set my big dug on ya.

This was a terrible mistake. I know I said I'm no longer the boss, but the paperwork is still in my name. Obviously you are all fired. I can just hire a bunch of new college guys in the next town over. I really need you all to get out.

I mean, this isn't even my building, but I'm going home. I'm still the CEO and you all do not work for me anymore. We'll see what the chairman has to say about that. No way. Big Doug throws him out the window. They're just on the first floor.

So it's just me doing this. Oh my god. Big Doug. Big Doug. Riley, why don't you hit me with another review, goddammit? I got you. I got you. Don't even worry about it. Okay, shit. Hit me with it. This is a one star from Poseidon Moving Company. We'll round it out with this.

You ready? It's from Jen K. Jen Cash. Jen Cash, one star. Continues to... Sorry. And also, this was posted 28 days ago. Okay. Continues to not respond to emails and calls

based on a move back in September of 2022. Could have been an easy fix, but they are just ignoring. Never use them to move. Read other posts. They have the same mo with many people she's it has been almost a calendar year and she is still calling about a move mishap that happened a year ago calling you on the phone. Call yourself. Hello?

Hey, uh, Richard. This is Alice, uh, from last night. God, you know that. We went on a date last night. This is so silly. Um, I know, I just wanted to call and say, one, I hope you're having a good day. Uh, two, um, I'm so just, I don't know, I'm just a little put off by how things ended last night

and i just wanted to make sure that we were okay you know it's like when i i didn't let you pay the bill and i offered to split it you got really upset and so i just wanted to make sure that yeah yeah no i mean we're we're fine sorry i don't i'm i guess like i'm sorry if you felt like i got upset i i wasn't i was just like you know i just felt i felt bad because i i i didn't like when i was offering to pay the bill i wasn't trying to like insult you or anything and i felt you were like really up you were really upset that i had even offered to pay no no i just wanted to call make sure you weren't mad at me no that's really all it is no no no no i mean you know i think it's like it's one of those things it's in it's in you know we're in 2023 the we're all sort of deconstructing you know our heteronormative

ideas that's all fine. I just wanted to make sure that you're not upset with me. No, yeah, no, I'm not. I think I, you know, I think we both know, like, we're not the first people to have a kind of awkward moment over who's supposed to pay the bill. Yeah. So I think it's all good. And, you know, I really did have a good time last night. And, you know, if you, you know, I would be down to meet up again

and maybe see if we can have it end a little less awkwardly this time. If you are. I was not expecting that. Yes, yes. I would love to. I just, yeah. I really thought you were upset,

so I'm glad you're not. And I would love to do this again. Cool, cool. Yeah, me too. Yeah, cool. I guess we can text about it. Yeah, we'll make a plan. All, me too. Yeah, cool. I guess we can text about it. Yeah, we'll make a plan.

All right. Okay. Have a good one, Alice. Cut to six months later. Ring, ring. Hello? Hey, Richard. This might feel so out of the blue, but it's Alice. We went on two or three dates a couple months ago

yeah I have your number saved uh in my phone oh my god of course sorry sorry uh well how and this must be so random but how how are you uh I'm good I'm good I'm actually um I'm I'm I'm out of town I'm at a conference a work a work thing. Oh, nice. Yeah. Things are going well, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, it's the summer. It's the busy season. Can I? Yeah.

Are you calling? What's up? What's up? It's good to hear from you. Oh, well, thanks. You too. That's actually, I'm really glad you've said that. I'm really glad you feel that way.

I just wanted to call and just make sure uh i don't know if you remember on our first date this is so long ago now on the first date that we had you know like the two or three um that you got a little upset with me uh i just want to make sure that you're not mad at me still yeah yeah i'm trying to remember first day was that uh we went to uh the italian place yeah we went to buca di beppo that's right and you were the yes yes i remember now i just want to make sure just just wanting to double check no i am not upset with me i'm not upset with you although i do want to push back a little bit um on on kind of what you said just then that I like got that I got. I can't remember.

You said I got really upset with you or really mad at you or something. Again, I think I kind of talked about this at the time. I don't think it's that weird to have a kind of awkward kind of like who's going to pay. I'll pay. You'll pay. Let's split. Like it's a, it's a, it's just one of those awkward things about being dating in contemporary context, you know?

Totally. Okay. That is all I needed to hear. I was not mad. I will let you go to your work. I just wanted to double check that, that, you know,

I just don't want to go through life feeling like, Ooh, there's a little bit of like unfinished business. Yeah. That, you know, I just don't want to go through life feeling like, ooh, there's a little bit of, like, unfinished business. Yeah, I guess I did want to know, like, why you never called me again. I guess I was wondering. No, I just feel like we weren't too compatible sexually. Right. But I just wanted to say I hope you're well.

Yeah. And I wish you the best. Yeah, no, of course. Huh, I guess I, yeah, I wish you the best. Yeah, no, of course. Huh. I guess I, yeah, I wish you the best. 13 years later. Phone rings. Hello?

Hey, Richard, it's Alice. Do you hate me? I'm just going to come right out and say it. Do you absolutely fucking hate me? Alice, Alice, I you hate me? I'm just going to come right out and say it. Do you absolutely fucking hate me? Alice, Alice, I'm sorry. Alice, um. Alice Michaels. Alice Michaels.

Cut. Alice Michaels. You have been avoiding me for 13 years, and I can only imagine that you absolutely fucking hate me. So I just want to double check that fact so at least i can know going forward that it's like oh it was something i did it was something i did is this buku is this buku to beppo alice is this buku about okay so yes so clearly you've been holding on to that and you

absolutely sorry i just don't know what i can do to make it up i moved i moved out of state and i changed my number i got a new phone it was a whole thing and so i don't have i don't have contacts so i i didn't you didn't come up as colorad i thought you were a work client or And I changed my number. I got a new phone. It was a whole thing. And so I don't have, I don't have contacts. So I didn't, you didn't come up as color ID. I thought you were a work client or something. So what, sorry,

what was the question? Do I fucking hate you? Yes. No. Why would I hate you? I, we went on three day, like,

sorry. I didn't know I needed this kind of release. That's really, really good to hear. Is this about the, the, you're the girl from the pain you were so upset with me i really don't think i was i really i really so mad no i don't think i was it's really nice god it's so weird isn't it that you are for sure for sure. Human memory is an incredible thing. So fallible.

And so I'm sorry for coming on so strong, but it's just like, I've been sitting here for 13 years being like, oh my God, oh my God, he absolutely hates me. Richard absolutely hates me. He was so angry and he screamed at me in the restaurant. I don't think I did. I really don't think I did.

When I offered to split the bill. I don't think that happened quite like that. Yeah, no, i guess uh you know something just it was a long time ago uh i'm i'm happily married or uh oh at least i'm married um but uh i uh yeah it's let's like bygones be bygones water richard honey who is that on the phone everything okay yeah it's um oh it's work it's work don't worry about it babe i'll be being i'll be i'll be back in a minute um hey this is so clear to me now my god if i was mad at you and you yeah and you said you didn't i asked you why you thought we didn't keep dating and you said it was because you didn't think we

were um like compatible uh in the uh in the bedroom um richard why are you talking about sex with work oh it's a new it's a new client babe they just want to know about about my sex life okay um so what's the question i guess the conversation just kind of ended there and i was wondering if you could elaborate oh um like if you remember what it was about the um encounters that we had that was not uh up to compatibility oh i really don't think it's a big deal honestly i don't know what is it just let that go what was it though you owe me this i think like you've been bothering me on and off for 13 years i think oh my god okay here it is i owe you this so you are still upset no you are still mad at me and this

is my god you really hated that much that i wanted to split the bill. I barely even noticed. I mean, in my recollection. You snatched the check out of my hand and you glared at me with eyes that read, you selfish whore. Whore, I would never. Here's the thing. And this is crazy because this is how i remember it is i remember we were at boca de beppo the waiter came and he dropped the check i grabbed it and said oh i can get this and you said no we can split it we can split it and i said oh okay yeah of course um and then the waiter came back i gave him our cards and i said down the middle is fine and then you

and then you were just really weird for like the rest of the night and for the date the couple dates after and i think and i guess my head, I thought it was always about the check thing, but now then you, then you said it was the sex stuff. And I just, I look, it's been 13 years. It's water under the bridge,

but I have continued to have certain issues in my life romantically. And even though i am married i would love to know what it was you thought about me that was not satisfactory let me just get something clear satisfactory so you're not mad at me i am not mad at me i do not no i barely ever think of you. That's, God, what a relief. I wish you well. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to tell me. You have to tell me. Richard. Richard, are you okay, honey?

Seems like a stressful work call. Are you happy with me? What do you mean? We have a beautiful family And three loving children I know all that And I think we're great Co-parents I think we're great

Roommates Are you not happy with me? I could never be unhappy with you I just Sometimes Richard Are you mad at me? No I could never be unhappy with you. I just sometimes... Hey, Richard. Sometimes I feel like... Are you mad at me?

No, sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I just sometimes I feel like... I wonder if we're compatible. Sexually. Of course we aren't. What? Well, that's never been part of what this is, Richard. What do you mean?

I've never felt sexually compatible to you a day in our relationship. But why? But I'm still happy as a clam. But why? But why? I'm so glad you're not mad at me. I'm not mad at you, but what's wrong with me? And I hope you have a good one.

What's wrong with me? i hope what's wrong with me why do they always leave should we do our last segment yeah this what's been shaking your ass alfred alfred what's been shaking your ass, Alfred? Alfred, what's been shaking your ass? What's been shaking your ass, Alfred? Alfred, what's been shaking my ass? I, uh, I, uh, sorry, I had to stretch real quick. I went to a concert, uh, the other night, um, and, uh, and it was, uh, it was, uh, it was a band I've seen before, uh, a few times, but it was the first time I'd seen them in that small of a venue. What band?

Uh, it was the Mountain Goats. What? Yeah, they're great they uh uh you know i've seen them quite a few times over the years that's always a really fun show it's just nice when you can tell that somebody who doesn't need to tour from a financial perspective is doing it because they genuinely like to commune with an audience. And they were playing a room. I mean, there were probably only like 150 people in the room and it was like tiny,

tiny venue compared to what they normally play. And so it was really, it was really fun to see that more intimate kind of experience. And it was just a blast. That's awesome. And so, yeah, that,

that was really good. And it made me, you know, I think seeing live music was one of those things that it was one of those pandemic kind of things where I didn't even realize how much I missed it until I started seeing shows again. So that was pretty slay, as the kids would say. That was pretty. That's pretty slay. That was pretty sheesh.

Do you want to go ahead and tell me what's been shaking you? Yes. What has been shaking me? What has been shaking me? I'll, I'll gladly tell you what's been shaking me. Sure. As soon as you think of it. Well, as soon as I think of what's been shaking me, I'll gladly tell you because often it's

like, that's all I want to do is tell you about the thing on my mind that has been shaking me non-stop the the forefront of my mind that's been shaking me a movie a tv a tv a movie oh my god okay when this comes out uh this will be like two weeks after the fact um but the 2023 jimmy awards just. And for those of you who don't know what the Jimmy Awards are, it is an incredible time of year. It is like the Tony Awards of like high school musical theater. It's a great time. And so it's like teenagers in high school in musicals who have won like all of their regional competitions. And now who are like performing for like the Jimmy. The Jimmy Awards. The Jimmy Awards. competitions and now who are like performing for like the gym the jimmy the jimmy awards

and so you got winners like eva noble azada renee rap andrew barth feldman just like if you don't know those names that's fine but they're great but basically at the jimmy awards it's like they do all these high schoolers they come and they do like character medleys so as a way to showcase bits of the roles that they have won awards for and are nominated for from their high schoolers, they come and they do like character medleys. So as a way to showcase bits of the roles that they have won awards for and are nominated for from their high school, they wear their high school costumes from the shows that they were in. It's so fun. And they do song medleys in character with these other students. And it's really moving, and it's really sweet, and it's really fun. And some of these kids have unbelievable voices.

There's one of the winners from this year. His name is Langston. I don't know his last name, but he literally put him on Broadway today, girl. Anyway, the Jimmy Awards are unbelievable. And so I love showing friends of mine Jimmy Award videos because it's like, it sounds wild in theory. And then they watch it and they're like, holy shit. So I got to have that experience the other night where two of my friends who I know love musical theater i'm like oh do you guys want to watch some jimmy medleys and they're like what and uh so yeah i love i love the jimmy awards and it's fun to watch them in person so badly the the they're so fun because you get to see like you have like a someone who played squid words yeah and who does the goofiest fucking song and then then you've got like a 15 year old

who played jean valjean yes it's like so chaotic there's a group that has become one of my favorite groups i've ever seen i think each one of them in this group is like unbelievable like stars and so it's like you have you have like beauty and the beast you have the beast from beauty and the beast singing if i can't love her going into damien from Beauty and the Beast singing If I Can't Love Her. Going into Damien from Mean Girls, the high school version. So funny. Who then goes into like Phantom, who goes into Motormouth, Mabel from Hairspray. It is

incredible. And you round it off with like Lola from Kinky Boots and SpongeBob. It is unbelievable. So yeah, if you haven't watched Jimmy Awards anything, just look up Jimmy Awards on YouTube and it's, and then also some performances making me weep. Like they are, it's so good. I could go on about them forever. But, um, if you don't want to look up Jimmy Awards on YouTube, which is crazy, what you can do is you

can find Alfred on Instagram at Alfred in it. You can find the show on Instagram at review review on Reddit, our slash review review and our discord baby Reddit, sorry, Reddit discord, our review review discord on the head gum channel and and you can find Riley on twitter.com for as long as it lasts at Riley coyote

and you can find her on instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and spa and as we say oh really quick also something else to plug um I think uh if I've seen people being a little confused Jeff and I Jeffrey James and I still have

our Patreon we just don't plug it on here anymore because I don't do the show with Jeff I do with Alf um but our Patreon is still up and running it's patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff and we do uh monthly live streams and Zardes that's a Zoom party so if you want to come

party with us on Zoom check out our Patreon baby and then we also are putting out HeadGum videos every other week so check this out

HeadGum YouTube channel and like I was saying like we say every week every single week we say every week. Every single week we say this. Mm-hmm. Do you think we're compatible sexually? We're... Compatible. Compatible. Sexually. Do you think we're compatible sexually? About drawing it out that way? Do you think we're compatible sexually?

See you next week. See ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. And now, with an impression of Alfred Bardwell Evans, here is Andrew Carrotsnatch. hey guys it's me andrew from carrot snatch um and here's an impression of alfred bardwell Pizza? But this is only three quarters of an inch thick.

Thank you very much, everyone. I hope you have a blissful, sexual evening.