Review Revue - Mulch

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

This week on Review Revue: Geoff and Reilly read reviews on MULCH, pick it up and toss it, and are interviewed as real people not actors.   Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Edited by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. Can you tell me

What it is we're reviewing Can you tell me why I don't really care Are you listening Jeff and Riley are killing How could one single podcast blow your mind and we're hanging on

And we won't let go I just thought you should know We are the ones who hear you I just thought you should know. We are the ones who hear you. We are the ones who click. We are the ones who love your old shtick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are the ones who need you.

And if you think McCartney won't give five stars, then he just don't know who you are. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am.

Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. Who I am. review review that's who you are awful grammar on the last line review review that's who you are next to normal parody that's what that was i mean can you i am the one who knows we are sorry so the point of view is from the listeners of we are the ones who listen yeah who hear you we are the ones who hear you that was really um profound i haven't listened to next normal in forever i was rocking the fuck out what's the other what's the other big song from Next to Normal?

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm so alive. And I'll be on the fields behind your eyes. There's that one. No, there's another one. Superboy and the Invisible Girl. Son of Steel and Daughter of Air. He's a hero. No.

Just another day for another stolen hour. Where the world will feel like. I think the one you're thinking no it's i'm alive is the one you're probably thinking of no it's not i swear to god let me look it up on spot this is gonna kill me also in the meantime while spotify's loading that came in from jp that was amazing patron jp who's been trying to get us to do this uh theme song for over a month. So finally got him. It was so worth it. Okay, guys, this is something really stupid I did this afternoon when I was looking up karaoke videos instead of writing like I should be.

Yes. I'm in no way, shape or form a singer. A few lead roles in high school does not a pro make weird flex JP, but okay. No, but that was wonderful. He wrote the weird flex part. No, but regardless, I got a lyric in my head and cranked this out in garage band so shout out jp next to normal here we go just another day maybe that's the one i just yeah no that's not it yeah because then it goes it the chorus is just another day for another stolen hour

oh it's a light in the dark that's the song you're thinking of i think is this it if this is that's a fucking deep cut it's not it what no no i don't think of it oh uh you don't know I know you don't know it the whoa whoa fuck what's it called Marika's gonna kill me um oh or is it I miss the mountains god or perfect for you oh it's light yeah we need some light first of all we need some yeah need some light yeah that's the one um wow well welcome to review review the new next to normal podcast um jeffrey i remember saying next normal for the first time and being like oh this shit's dark

i loved it it's about a bunch of huge next normal head i fucking love that shit la sujet de noir what the subject of black god got it um jeff you just filmed a commercial that's true okay okay that's amazing it's easy to be successful if you all right have talent okay charm if you have reps obviously gorgeous hummingbird like orange and gorgeous gorgeous birds gorgeous gorgeous birds gorgeous gorgeous birds um look at me through the window but you're back in new york you took a red okay you took a red eye it's just been a whirlwind so i auditioned on friday morning went fine went good went great i never booked anything so i didn't think anything was gonna happen was it a tape or was it on zoom it was on zoom um it was live on zoom in the room in the zoom room late late saturday night like 9 p.m pacific midnight here i get a

call from jen hyde um at a3 and she was like uh or i got a text and she says are you around for a call i have good news and i was like okay i know what happened because they said they were casting off the tape i booked the thing fuck oh no callbacks no callbacks wow uh now i have to go i'm like okay now i have to be in la by monday night so i take a monday morning flight to la i got a covid test at my house i'm staying in our den on an air mattress because the sub letter that i'm switching with right now in new york is in my room in the basement. And then I just, you know, am working normally editing stuff Monday, Tuesday. And then Tuesday night, George Saba is doing one of his food pop-ups at my house. So I just get to have crawfish and shrimp for not free, but still.

And then Wednesday, I'm in Long Beach for 12 hours shooting the thing. And then I take a red eye back to New York Wednesday night. So I'm sleep deprived. I'm joy. I'm full of cash from the commercial and cross still somehow. I haven't digested it. Anyway, it wasn't that interesting of a story, but it's still very exciting and congratulations.

And I love that. I found all of this out through Elizabeth. I didn't tell anybody. The only people I told was George and Kristen. And I love that I found all of this out through Elizabeth. I didn't tell anybody. The only people I told was George and Kristen and then Kristen told Elizabeth. But I'm so happy for you. That's so exciting. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, it'll be good.

It'll be great. It'll be bad. Here's a little next one. It's going to be great. It's going to be fucking. We need some rice. First of soy. We need some rice. First of soy, we need some rice. You're at a sushi place ordering a bowl of rice.

Singing so softly, but people stop and listen. I'm going to make a bunch of ambient conversations, and then you just kind of start singing. No, and then yeah. We need some rice. First of soy, we need some rice. We can't sit here without rice in an empty bowl. It's a sorry sight. Why did everyone get so quiet?

Yeah! I was tagged in a, and I think you were as well, in a TikTok where, like, someone's bit. It was, I forget what comedian it was but it was like um there were big like uh poster boards like held up for the audience to all speak in unison and someone tags on tiktok being like this is what happens and like jeff and riley's scenes were like the crowd chants in unison and it was like so intricate it was like hey steven do you remember in seventh grade when you had a click it was so i'm like that's exactly what it is it's impossible to speak in the exact same time as everyone else for a sentence um the only

exciting thing to me that's happened in the past 24 hours is i beat the fairy gym leader in pokemon sword and it was really fucking hard i was with what pokemon what did you name it okay hold on well it was really hard to beat her uh because i know but it's like poison and steel work well against fairy type pokemon but yeah my steel types were pretty low level so it's like i had to train them a bit but even then it's like hers were like mid 30s levels and mine were like high 20s so it was tough but i mean we did it um and uh we don't need to talk about the names of the pokemon that i bought let's talk about the names just one name of the Pokemon that helped you beat that boss. The names aren't important.

The main two I used were Nipple and Vibrator and Guzzler. I'm trying to think what else. What were the other ones? Oh, Neil Harris, which Daniel pointed out is very funny. It's just like Neil Patrick Harris's name is just Neil Harris. And I think that's amazing. Daniel and Elizabeth and I we take turns naming my Pokemon it doesn't

matter it's fine and then which ones were the ones you named was it Guzzler yeah and I named Nipple as well Vibrator Daniel named Vibrator oh that's good okay Daniel

but we're not here to talk about inappropriate Pokemon names. We're talking about Mulch because that's a million times better than... Riley texted me last night being like, oh, what should we review tomorrow? Or not even, I think, because nowadays we just kind of text each other a barrage of like 15 ideas and then we'll like choose one from that. And the first one was Mulch. Were you thinking about mulch or why i was just thinking mulch is such a funny word also i've been pitching i've been pitching

for the better part of a month and jeff has not taken a bite out of that i would love bleep all that out it's a surprise um no but i thought of this and i'm like this is such an it's such a funny word i don't even quite know what it is i'm not like an avid gardener so this isn't really like i know what i almost said fertilizer but i'm like no that's like that's too easy and that feels just like that potty humor stuff that wouldn't be fun but mulch mulch is a layer of material applied to the surface of soil okay yes mulch is usually but not exclusively organic in nature uh it may be permanent for example plastic sheeting or temporary for example bark chips yes so it's the kind of thing it's like you see it in um like in in flower beds you see it at the base of like a playground or something like that um like wood chips or

rubber chips or something like that um so jeff like tell me let's wax mulch for a spell mulch is ideal to fall on rubber or wood chips you want to fall on wood chips oh rubber for sure yeah i mean that that's all i want to say falling off a swing set onto rubber mulch is ideal it's ideal um instead of then because then it's like either that or you get like the it's still hard but it's a rubber surface that's really my only experience with mulch is like at a playground and and it feeling good on the feet feels good on the knees yeah my new my latest uh interaction with mulch is that the rooftop of Vital, the climbing gym in Brooklyn, has rubber mulch as what you fall on. And I actually don't think it's good to fall on. It should be some kind of mat because it hurts.

Got it. I mean, yeah, it's rubber. Well, it's rubber, but it's... It's pointy rubber. It's like fallingy rubber soft nails um yeah i always actually i always thought mulch was just like a a kind of soil or like a kind of fertilizer so sometimes manure is in mulch but not always okay that makes sense um well we're here to talk about mulch we don't really have mulch we don't have much mulch experience between the two of us we don't have much mulch much we don't have much mulch experience between the two of us. We don't have much mulch experience. We don't have mulch mulch experience.

We're so silly. But we're here to talk about it. But we're here to talk about it regardless. Do you want to kick us off? This is a five-star review of Play Safer Rubber Mulch Nuggets. Protective flooring for playgrounds, swing sets, play areas, and landscaping. It's blue, too. Wait, this is, okay okay i have some reviews of this

what's the name five stars from james james and the giant peach all one word james and the giant peach i always use recycled tire mulch either brown or black yeah i never thought to use a different color till i saw this it changed the whole dynamic of my Koi pond slash dog Memorial. One bag covers more than I anticipated. Can't wait to find something else to use it on. Sorry. I have this same review. This is the first one.

There's so much in this. Cause also it gives me the same vibe of like a kid on Christmas like he's like you get a present and you want to use it immediately like for everything on your what it changed the game with specific regards to my koi pond slash dog memorial

it changed the vibe what was the vibe before yeah what are you talking about sorry no the whole dynamic talking about the whole dynamic it changed the whole dynamic because they're using blue chips for this um so i'm assuming again they said they either use brown or black which is a pretty morose chip color probably rightfully so for a dog memorial also there's an attached photo that will maybe maybe instagram i don't know if that'd be rude but there's five dogs that have died within like seven years of each other.

It's like, and there's at one point overlap between their dogs Sushi, Sumo, and Sake, where they had three at once and they all died within three years of each other. So that's pretty sad. Maybe don't mix it with a koi pond. That's a lot at once. No, but the dynamic's different it's like the you know where where once it would just felt a little bit unbalanced it felt too sad and then once we added the blue that made us think of water so we thought well well let's get some koi in there it's like a

home depot commercial and it's like real people not actors it's like the first two uh yeah i use home depot for all my home improvement needs uh they've got a good source of lumber and there's always a helpful staff second person yeah you know uh i love the little paint wheels that you get to choose you know me and my wife we we've started uh renovating the house a little bit we're new homeowners and uh they have a lot of different shades of navy the third person speaking of shades the shades of their mulch selection was really incredible so when i put that into my pet cemetery uh slash koi pond it really just changed the whole dynamic and i was so impressed with their with their wide wide range of mulch uh let's let's keep rolling let's take it one more time let's maybe just talk about what you use for mulch uh yeah like just just just the color choices and how you like how that you can get it all at home depot maybe don't oh i

thought we were all talking about like they were talking about their their lumber stuff and like what they use i i was just you know like trying to specify like what you could use it for but i mean we'll maybe use the first one but let's probably just get a second one just for safety because it was a little it's it's a 30 second spot so we need to make sure that we're very clear and people don't know what you're talking about so sorry i'm i'm new to all this stuff this is really exciting um but and action all right uh their their nugget shaped blue rubber mulch was was so uh it's really the dynamics that it brought to the no i can't say pet cemetery can i i can't say pet cemetery let's just is that let's cut uh hey it's all I can't say pet cemetery. Let's just, is that, let's cut.

Hey, it's all right if you're nervous, but like, let's just, is there anything else you use the mulch for? Like something simpler or even lie, you know, just say I use it for, you know, my flower garden. That's perfect. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, I do use it for a flower garden, so that's not a lie.

Great, great. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And action. The blue rubber mulch that I got from Home Depot works perfectly when i mix it into my flower garden which i also fertilize using the ashes of my dead pets where i buried in the pet cemetery the pet cemetery is actually more of a memorial because the ashes are sprinkled into um the fertilizer uh but regardless the mulch it looks perfect on top of it and really

just brings the flowers to life i don't even know why we even rolled on all of that that was um that was a too long and b don't maybe don't talk about dead pets ashes being used as fertilizer i don't even think that's chemically possible no i well the the the the ashes aren't the fertilizer that the it does obviously doesn't have the properties to help fertilize the plants but i said it was mixed can i actually can i do the lumber take again i feel like i could do it a little better no we got we got yours man we just need to get this third one i'm just i'm so sorry i feel like i'm holding everybody up um you are 100 that instinct is right well you asked me to um sean you asked me to to talk about the flower bed and i did and you asked me to talk

about what i use the mulch for and i did i just i i'm sorry i'm not let's move on from mulch let's just move on from mulch is there anything else you get from home depot that you can talk about as a customer remember the only thing we're selling is home depot as a brand in a store home depot as a brand yeah absolutely um well i get a lot of uh tools like hardware tools like i get a lot of my hammers, screwdrivers, stuff like that. All right, this is all good stuff. Let's roll, let's roll. Okay, great.

Home Depot has the best range of hardware tools, from hammers to screwdrivers to everything else in between. I can make incredible crucifixes to hang at the site of my pet's burial. Like in seconds, the hammer really nails everything into place so the memorial that i can build um in the shrine to my pets can be you know like looks like look like a movie set it's so professional thanks home depot cut um that was 30 seconds so if we were going to put that in that would be the entire commercial how you keep saying pets how many pets have died under your watch in the last 10 years oh Oh, it's really hard to talk about.

Because it's one or two that had big impacts? Because it's maybe like upwards, well, it's upwards of nine for sure. You know, the sick cats have nine lives. I've had nine cats at least. Can you turn the camera towards me? Hi, I like to get a lot of my nails from Home Depot and there's always good service

and the checkout's easy because they have self-checkout. All right, I think that's a wrap. We got what we need. That was so good. Thank you. No, I know. I felt like I was hired because you said that they're already striking all the stuff. Wait, wait, wait, but you specifically

asked me to come because you guys see me in Home Depot all the time. I feel like I'm such a good customer that you guys said that's why you wanted to honor me through the commercial and my patronage. Cut to the final commercial. Yeah, and I love Home Depot's selection of lumber, and everyone's always really, really helpful on staff. And I love their selections of paints. They have so many different shades of navy that me and my new homeowning wife and I enjoy.

Thirteen of my pets have died in the past ten years of my life. Thanks to Home Depot, I can remember them every single day. From the mulch that I spread around the pet graveyard to the nails and the hammers and the screwdrivers that I use to hang their pictures and crosses up along the side of the house and in the flower beds themselves, not to mention the fertilizer that I get from Home Depot

that I mix with the ashes of aforementioned pets. They've got me covered. I'm the most loyal Home Depot customer that's ever existed, and I will keep seeing them until the day I die. And maybe my kids will spread mulch around my gravesite. I hope to be buried by my pets, sake, sushi, and soy. Thanks, Home Depot. Cut to the editing bay room floor, screening it for the Home Depot executives. I know it's a little bizarre, but that is the best take we got. room floor screening it for the Home Depot executives. I know it's a little bizarre, but that is the best take we got.

Sean, when we hired you to be on this project, we were hoping that you would use your expertise in really digging into the lives of real people, not actors i know and i i tried i really did and you did just that what i think that you really honed into the key

fact that there's universality through specificity and this sad sad woman's story is so deeply specific and morose that i think it's going to touch the lives of every Home Depot customer. The client, we couldn't be more thrilled, Sean. We want to hire you as our exclusive director for every Home Depot spot from now moving forward. That's amazing. I mean, as long as there's no other caveats, I can't believe.

You do have to include this woman in every single spot that you do. No way. No way. All right. Should we take a quick break and thanks and sponsors yeah no way i have to take it but there's no fucking way that's the deal you get paid equally uh uh yeah she's also sorry you're co-directing each spot it's so much money and so stable of a job in a hard creative field i like have to take it but i'm not happy about it but this is the worst possible outcome i wanted to like do features and this is what i'm doing by the way with how long these commercials are they might be in the future

and that's actually what we wanted to talk to you about um you had an idea for a little feature um but it has to be with this lady and it's almost a documentary it's almost a doc it's one of those features that says like based on a true story except for the parts we made up It's one of those features that says, like, based on a true story, except for the parts we made up. It's one of those. One of those. One of those. I feel like I see that all the time of, like, this is based on true events. Except for the parts that are lies.

What? It's a movie. All right. Let's take a quick break. And we're back. Here we go. This is a review for Pine Bark Mulch, 100% natural pine bark mulch, houseplant cover mulch, potting media, and more. Meaning?

Right. This is one star from LB. Little Butcher. Sorry, LBB. right this is one star from lb little butcher sorry lbb little butcher um little butcher beggar one star from little butcher yeah the title is mistaken identity i've ordered this product in error. Mistaking it for horticultural bark for repotting orchids. The product is probably fine for manicuring lawns. Sorry, one more time. I ordered this product in error.

Mistaking it for horticultural bark for repotting orchids. The product is probably fine for manicuring lawns. But that was my mistake, you know, that I, so thank you for taking it back. I do hope to get a full refund, but that was just, that was silly old me. Yeah, we're happy to offer you a full refund. It's just, would you like the soil

that's good for repotting orchids um the horticultural bark for repotting orchids yes that's exactly what i would like thank you but i'm sure one of these normal people in the store might like to manicure their lawn with this mulch you seem to have like an air of like superiority. I just wonder where that comes from. Oh, superiority. Right. No, it's just I consider myself to be a horticultural expert in the finer areas of planting and potted life. But I'm sure one of these normie gross average Joes could maybe use some of this bark to sprinkle on their dead grass outside their house. Yeah, they wouldn't put mul on their dead grass outside their house yeah they wouldn't right i mean you

get what i'm saying grass i just you you physically entered the space on a high horse so i can get you this the product you need i just wonder why you're wasting your own time kind of talking down physically to everybody in the store you are you're in a home do you want me to get off of the horse get off of your high horse yes do good Do get off. Well, I only buy the tallest Clydesdales because if you're not going to buy the horse with the most hands, what's the point? That is a way that you measure the height of a horse. I don't know if you knew that, but it's however many hands high. I don't ride. It doesn't make sense to me, but it doesn't have to.

So, yes. Can I get a ladder, please? Or at Home Depot, can someone move over a ladder? Thank you. You guys don't have to do this. This is crazy. No, we do. She's paying us in like diamonds.

I don't understand. You're giving them loose diamonds? Well, it's the least I could do for having them help me off my high horse, Balto. Isn't that right, Balto? The horse just kind of stares. Right, so it can't talk to you. How silly. So yes, here we go.

I'm off my high horse. Now, can I please exchange this for the horticultural bark? You say, can I please, like, this has been a long conversation. One of the first things I said was you can get the product that you wanted. Also, you bought the first things I said was you can get the product that you wanted also you bought the first one wrong you're not going to ask me what the orchids are like what color they are how they're blooming

you're not going to ask me my name I don't need to know any of this especially after how you've treated everyone in the store so far Alex Alex just sit down for a second I look around there's kind of really nowhere to sit Let me see. Alex. Alex, just sit down for a second. I look around.

There's kind of really nowhere to sit. Where? It's a lonely life at the top, Alex. Right. And you'll never know this, but it can be lonely. You know, when you've reached the peak of success on the highest horse with the most amount of hands in the county it is lonely and so i turn to plants but i have no one to share it with no one to ask me no one to look at my diamonds or my rubies how did you make your money can i ask you that how did you get so rich it was generational right so you did nothing. I know that.

So you don't even, your only hobbies is horticulture and you do it poorly. Well, I've never worked a day in my life, but that shouldn't discredit me. Should I also ask why you don't just drive a car? Like, did something happen? Oh, you want me to make a bigger carbon footprint, Alex? A fat chance. The DU footprint, Alex? Fat chance.

DUI, right? I never got my license. You never got your license. Even worse. That means you never even took the time. By the way, you can do that any day. You can get a license any day of the week and drive an electric car. I don't have the time.

I have to spritz the orchids every 15 minutes. That's overwatering. For sure, that's overwatering. I know orchids are hard to hold and take care of, but that's overwatering. mean if you know no way i'm not taking care of them i'm not coming over i'm not coming over maybe cut take these over at her house this seemed easier i guess because you stayed another 45 minutes after i said i wasn't coming over well thank you for helping the orchids maybe you'd like to share a bite to eat i I haven't eaten with anyone other than Balto for the better part of 25 years.

Yeah, and Balto sleeps inside, I'm seeing. Has his own bedroom. Balto shares the bed with me. I was really hoping the guest bedroom was his. That's insane, but fine. Now I feel bad enough that I see where you live that I'll eat with you. You, me, and Balto are on the table.

He learned how to sit in a chair. This is the weirdest day of my fucking life. So, Alex... Egg salad sandwiches, then? Yes, and some cucumber tea. That's not real. Alex, I can't tell you what this day has meant to, well, me. And Balto, of course.

Isn't that right, Balto? Vacant stare. Absolutely vacant stare. You made an old woman like me very happy on this day. You know, they say money can't buy me love. And, well, I guess they're right. That it can buy you companionship. And that's why I'd like to offer you 15 diamonds a day for the next six months.

Why is everything in diamonds? Shouldn't it be in cash? Or did you buy a ton of diamonds because you thought that that would, like, outlast the value of the U.S. dollar? I bought the diamonds because I thought it would outlast the value of the U.S. dollar. I'll do it for a month. And while we're here I know this may come as a surprise to you but I do have a daughter who is very single

Alright I guess I'll meet her She comes out just as vacant stare as a horse What's her name? If the horse's name is Balto? This is Dalto. Daughter Balto. Got it.

I am gone. I'm out of here. This is very weird. It's like a Hansel and Gretel situation, I feel like. I fear. Balto and Dalto. Dalto, aka Daughter Balto. It's not really a chicken or the egg thing we know the horse came

first just phonetically speaking daughter balto oh uh all right should we do our last review do you have do? Do you have one or do you want me to do one? This is a two-star review of Vigoro two-cubic feet bagged premium blackwood mulch. Do you want to give Chips a last name? Chips. So one name but with a ton of s's no that's the last the first and last name together oh chips chips nope chips it's chips got it so it's ssc sss yeah uh two stars i bought more than a dozen bags on two trips all bags had a little mold which i picked out and tossed some pieces

were like a natural light wood which i picked out and tossed the second set of 10 bags had two bags with pieces of wood not chips almost as big as my hand which i picked out and tossed and then there's like photos and these are just logs. Fully logs of wood, not mulch at all. At a book tour. Promoting a book. Like a Barnes and Noble. And now I'll read a chapter.

Chapter three. I'll read a little excerpt from, you know my life in the nfl um and here we go thank you all so much for coming um yeah it's so great to see you guys here all right here we go and that was the day that i knew that the grief that i had about my dad's death i just had to pick it up and toss it and that led to the football field where I saw that pigskin. All I needed to do was the crowd altogether. Pick it up and toss it. Thank you all so much again for coming. I will now open the floor to any questions you might have.

I can't tell you enough how much it means to see all you incredible incredible men out here yes my man in the front row what's up buddy hey what's your name oh yeah my name's garen um i just hey garen i'm bobby i mean i'm sure you all knew that by now everybody just wanted to introduce me yeah all right garen what's up my man what did you pick up and toss today i don't know what you're saying. I was just shopping and saw that there was a book reading, and I usually like to stop in and see if maybe I'd want to buy the author's book. It seems to me like everyone in this room really loved what you just said, but it also just seems like an excuse to not explore your emotions at all and just kind of throw things.

I'm sorry you feel that way, man. All right, next question. Who else has got a question in the back? Nobody else has a question. I'm looking behind me. Nobody else even next question who else has got a question in the back nobody else has a question I'm looking behind me nobody else even has the emotional capacity to ask a question

so I'll ask another one alright alright my man's got he's got a good fighting spirit you know we love to have that on the Dallas Cowboys as this is happening

it's just kind of like little pamphlets that they all handed out are just kind of getting tossed up and down in the crowd from here to that's right i love it pick it up and toss it everybody all right man what's your next question go on ahead shoot um i get what other because i haven't read the book um is there like another example of something

difficult in your life maybe one that you actually an issue that you actually faced oh my god absolutely i mean who who's who's ready for me to read an excerpt from a little bit later in the book? We're talking chapter nine. Toss it. That doesn't seem like it applies. That is the title of the book. No, they're right. They love it. All right, here we go. Chapter nine. If anyone has the book, wants to read along. We can't. God, all right, then I'll do it for you.

Chapter 9, page 126. This is about three quarters of the way down the page. The day my wife told me that she was sleeping with my uncle, I knew that there were hurts in me that would take a long time to be healed. It wasn't just put the bandaid on and call it a day. It was all right. Time to go to therapy. Time to maybe put down the football for a while.

But you know what I did? I picked up that feeling and tossed it. I got back out on that field that hours later. I called an emergency practice with my boys. And then that led to us winning the Super Bowl that year. Because you know why? All you need to do is pick it up and toss it. Does that answer your question, man?

It really thoroughly does. I'm so happy I could help. Are you you still in therapy please tell me you are it's still in there because you recently never went to therapy i said i should have gone but all i needed to do was pick it up and toss it well didn't you just i mean you're on this book tour didn't you just retire like that must be some real conflicting emotions within you because i mean i know you from your football career. I don't know if you're an author and I know that you were like one of the best and now you're retired and that has to be a hard transition. I mean, how do you deal with that? Is it the book tour?

Are you throwing yourself into your work? Yeah, you could say in a way that I'm picking myself up and tossing myself into work. So the more I write, the less i need to think about everything that's happened to me the less i need to think about that i just got to save the date you're writing about your experience it's specifically having to sit down and think about it i'm so sorry to do this in front of everybody but they don't even seem like they know what's happening it's just like a bunch of bumbling idiots how you all doing i just want to gauge the crowd for a little bit how's everyone Hold on. Sorry.

Garrett, was that your name? Garen. Gambit? Queen's Gambit? Nice. All right. I never watched it. All right.

Here we go. This is going to be a real crowd pleaser right now. I have a signed football from 1992 from one of my best games. And here we go. We're picking it up. We're picking it up. We're picking it up. Toss it. All right.

Oh, look at them. They're all fighting over it. I love to see that. That's good. That's good stuff right there. No, man. To answer your question. I mean, yeah, it's a tough transition, of course.

I mean, what, 35 years in this industry? An insane career. I mean, some might say it's one of the longest careers of a professional NFL player. Professional sports. Professional sports, well, quite. So that's why I think people would be interested in your journey besides just, you know,

picking things up and tossing. See, man, you already told me that you hadn't read the book, and so if you'd read the book, you'd understand. Neither have they. Like, five minutes ago, they that you hadn't read the book and so if you'd read the book neither have they like five minutes ago they said they can't read by the way so none of us have read it well can't won't well who's to say us but can't right they can't be clearer well that's why i'm hosting things like these to read aloud so you can all get the message. Now, listen, I'm diving back into my life, right?

Not really. And I'm not liking what I see. So whenever a little memory comes, you see Harry Potter. Remember in Harry Potter when Dumbledore pulls the memory out of his brain and just plops it into a little bit of water that's that's him picking it up and tossing it great men throughout all of history all they've been doing is pick it up and tossing it i'm just putting that into words so whenever there's a memory that makes me feel bad history that's picked it up and tossed it i literally just just said Albus Dumbledore, man.

That's not history. I don't know what else to say. You said all men throughout history. Let's do one real... Yeah. All men throughout history. Correct. So one other besides Dumbledore and you. I was going to say me.

Right. Other than Albus Dumbledore and you, let's get one man throughout all of history. You have so many people to choose from you could say robespierre somehow fucking picked it up and tossed it you could say abraham lincoln picked it up and tossed it with regards to the you know the uh abolition of slavery you know what's so funny it's like it you ever watch that guy uh bill billy on the road billy on the street yeah he goes up to people and he says name a woman

and suddenly you forget every woman who was every right now i'm forgetting every man other than me and albus dumbledore this is a real this is a real non-sequitur but let me just try something really quick hey guys uh can you guys name a woman we can't right right alright another man throughout history the colonel of Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel Sanders you know what he did with his chicken picked it up tossed it into the fryer

and now look where we are this event is sponsored by KFC okay so that's how you're making a ton of money from this i'm answering all your questions man i mean look i feel a little bit like antagonized i don't know how i ended up the villain on my own book event i'm not trying to demonize you i'm just trying to make whatever i don't even know i know why i care so much i you guys have fun not reading this book you know what you need to do with all that anger you have inside i get i know i have to pick it up and toss it whatever that means i don't even

know what how cut to him at home like in bed honey come on it's 4 a.m you need to go to sleep i'm trying i just had a weird day you know i actually picked up this book earlier i was out and um there's a little bit in it that i think really might speak to you about what to do with all these tough emotions that you're feeling what pick it up and toss it jesus how did you know what pass in the book i got it signed for you i thought it really might speak to you. Opens the book cover. There's a little note. Pick it up and toss it. Signed by the football player. Yeah, he probably just says that to everyone.

It's not speaking to me in any way. Well, no, look closer. The note says, from Albus Dumbledore to Colonel Sanders to me, Bobby McPherson, and now you, Queen's Gambit. I think he got your name wrong. I don't know if he, I told him your name. That's what he thinks it is. He said, carry on the tradition of men in this world by picking it up and tossing it. I think he actually knows a little bit more about you than you think.

Takes his wedding ring. Pick it up. No. Tosses it. No. And tosses it. Outside. The group of men from the signing.

Yeah. Yeah. Outside. The group of men from the signing. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! They know five words. Toss it. We can't and yeah. I'm gone. I'm out of all of this.

Does it? I did. Yeah. Right. Get out of here. Just go. We can't. Then how'd you get here?

Does it? I am. Should we do our last segment? Yeah. This should be all week long. Jesus. I am Everyone take a read We can't

Can't or won't Can't You heard them they couldn't be clearer It just doesn't Maybe one of our favorites so stupid pick it up not even the full title pick it up toss it um jeffrey what has been shaking you oh my god um

i'm a narragansett imbucitor i haven't talked about this yet and they sent me a care package last night and it's unbelievable ever had glad you asked stickers koozies merch like that and an unreleased shandy for the road slash well mostly for the road don't drink it while driving obviously really obviously you are their ambassador you should not be insane they uh no the shandy is a black cherry lager shandy and i can't get enough of it it's actually unreleased brooke told me brooke from narragansett beers and uh i am gonna hopefully make some kind of pilgrimage to their flagship brewery in newport rhode island at some point this year maybe in may the fact i mean like listen i really admire

the tenacity of you just writing out different puns to different entities on twitter and one responded and they're like sure why not and it couldn't have been a better one to respond because i actually do love narragansett beer and everyone in the northeast can probably vouch for me here that it's a great beer and like i don't want to be a quaker oats ambassador i hate oats i would love to be an ambassador i love you should tweet verbatim why hasn't them they made you why haven't they made be an ambassador. I love it. You should tweet verbatim. Why hasn't them? They made you.

Why haven't they made you an ambassador? And then if it works, I'm going to know. But I like that. That's not my main oat. What's your main oat? Main oat. Bob's Red Mill. Sorry.

Bob's Red Mill is my oats. They're my oats. Then you should say, why hasn't at Bob's Red Mill made you in a brand ambassador? See if it works. OK. Daniel and I buy so much of it every week, so it'd be great if we could get some. Get a piece of that action.

But I'm not verified, so. I don't think that makes a difference. We'll see. Well, I'm thrilled for you and your ambassador status and your swag. The issue being when I come back to LA in a week's time they don't distribute

that far west so I cannot drink their beer are you fucking serious yeah you can still drink it oh wait like it doesn't even exist out here and I did order two cases so well you know what it was great while it lasted also i know that the replies to this

tweet are gonna be like did jeff tweet this feels like a jeff tweet whenever i tweet something silly the responses i get are like feels like a je be sad i'm not sad i'm mad mad is sad i don't think so um i what's been shaking me is honestly i remember last week we talked about free will where i can read oh my god you're doing it again no what's been shaking me is the amount of people who have been sending me book recs and like really oh my god y'all have like the next two books i got from a from a twitter user who recommended them to me like that's awesome thank you to everyone who's been reaching like i am i i'm not just like just looking at it not caring i am actively like saving all these and writing them in my notes app on my phone.

So please, please keep the book reviews coming. I'm right now. I'm on like chapter three of Such a Fun Age by Kylie Reid. And it is fantastic so far. But yeah, so it's I am just I am humbled. I am blown away by the tweets by the dms um yeah hallie sent me a great list as well um i'm just it's i'm thank you so i posted uh the screenshot of the next book i'm reading and bradilt commented, so dope that you can read anything you want.

That's so nectar. It's so free. Will is so nectar dude, that you can like literally read anything that you want to read. Um, so yeah, so I'm really excited. This book is great so far.

Um, but yeah, free will and reading. It's amazing. Uh, also I had a nightmare, another nightmare of like Daniel cheating on me and I woke up mad at him, which I know I've talked about before on the pod.

Right. You can't do that because that's your anxiety. It's nothing he's ever done. Interesting. No, you're not hearing me. You would have said interesting no matter what I said. You're still in the dream and you're still mad at him. The first thing I did, I just like I when I woke up, he was doing yoga next to me,

but I just look and I give him just like this awful stare. I was like. Bad. He's like, what now? What did I do but not do now? Exhausting to hear about, let alone him living through it. No, it's great. Put him on.

Let me apologize on your behalf. He's not home right now. It's bad for morale. He's not home because you keep doing it. No, he doesn't. No, he's not home because he's a flat tire. Now he's cheating on you. You're driving him to cheat on you. No, it's great. Put him on. Let me apologize on your behalf. He's not home right now. It's bad for morale. He's not home because you keep doing it. No, he doesn't. No, he's not home because he's a flat tire. Now he's cheating on you. You're driving him to cheat on you.

No, no, no, no. The mechanic is a hot woman in her 30s. Yeah, I know. It sucks. Damn it. It sucks. That sucks. It's Sydney Sweeney fixing up her car.

She's engaged. Yeah. Should we think some podcasts I think we should let's start with underscore Christian side hugs around the shoulder only Michael's sour a co honestly has to laugh. She's dodging still unnamed haters left and right, but she still has her eyes on the fucking prize, which means nothing, by the way. Honestly has to laugh. Alex Witt. And now a patron who needs no introduction, so

moving on. Bob Buell here, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Gray's 7th grade indiscretions that I shan't mention here. Already did. Hashtag Gray is over party. So he cheated on someone in seventh grade. That sucks. Oh my God.

Bob Buell's Holly weird question made me feel well. Holly. Cam effing angle actually is the mind freak and would appreciate it if we stopped giving Chris the attention he doesn't deserve. Charlie Daytona Beach, Florida. Chuck. Claire penis. Club.

Connor Finnegan's patience wears thick. Yeah, his tolerance for his bullshit has a badass. Daddy Tuesday Night is dishing out spankings. Get it, Nolan. Dishing out. They're just welcome for anybody who wants them. Damien Riley's Bane Kirk. Fancy Octopus.

Freya. Frito-Pray Love. Garf, enemy of the pod, just learned what cum is. Two words, epic. Gail DeSoil bringing oil to a boil. That was really satisfying. Jeff's future son, Denton Trenton James. Also, I love that a lot of people's profile pic is still Mopee.

Mopee. Giannis, not in aopeet. Giannis, not in a cum way. Giannis. Oh, Giannis. Sorry, Giannis, not in a cum way. Grey's roommates now stan Jeff and he wishes it wasn't that way. Greg Berg. Hallie the horribly

awesome is Grey's twin. Hey Jeff, could you please have anyone from Hey Riddle Riddle on the HeadGum Podcast, please? Hot Hung Wolf. I literally only subscribe to Forrest, Jeffrey, and Riley. Say trans right, 6-0-X-0. In a very real sense, TR. Isaac Puff.

Jackie Plan. So it's Jackie Chan, but he's always prepared for what's coming. Jake Ullman. Jamison Poncia. Imagine a pork so pulled and a salmon so chowdered it can only be smoke and time on Main Island. Jesse Tipton. JP again, can the sentence I always lie ever be true? Shout out again for the theme song.

Oh yeah. Caleb is now 21 and is very ready to get absolutely zoinked at the Zardy. Casper. Lauren Malang. Les Pete. Lord Hunter the Ordained Maggie Malik

Mark Priest Michael Begel Moe P. Davidson My name is Jeffrey J... No Jackson Hansel I'm not reading that Jackson Hansel

Nate Porteous was quite literally the first to say It's a good day to have a Ganset Nolan Murphy made such a great theme song this week And if if it didn't play this week, never mind, I said. Phoebe. Loaded Quok. Say this one with gusto like we're friends. John freaking Daniels. So what, is this like a job now? You're telling me I have to update my name more than once a year?

Terms and conditions apply. That one guy that everyone hates, new patron. New patron, New patron. That's how Moe Pete do. That's how Moe Pete do. That's how Moe Pete do. That's how Moe Pete do. TJ Michael.

That's how Moe Pete do. We didn't miss one. Oh, I thought we didn't. Yara Bouchard. Thank you guys all for... Thank you, guys. Yara Bouchard. Thank you, God. Thank you for subscribing at the highest tier. And patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff if you want to join the ranks and know all these weird inside jokes that we have. Mopi messaged me the other day and said, and that's how Mopi do.

After we read everyone. Insane. But you can follow Riley on Instagram at RileyAnspa on Twitter at RileyCoyote and the show on Instagram at ReviewReview and on Reddit r slash ReviewReview. You can find Jeff on Instagram at JeffreyJames on Twitter at JeffBoyardee and hey, congrats on the beer. Wish me luck on the oats. I hope you get free oats. I don't know what else to say. That would be amazing.

Hold on. Some people already... Is HeadGum's plan to avoid bankruptcy just to have all their employees become ambassadors for food and beverage brands with a silly pun? Truly, no payment involved. Someone said, oh, Basseter was right there. I think Ambassador, it's way better. Anyway,

thank you. Michael Burns just said, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Thank you guys for everything. That was a

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