Review Revue - Nintendo Switch Games

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss their favorite Switch games, scalding your own legs, and the official premiere of their short film GOOD MOURNING on CIFF Streams!Be sure to give the show a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and include your pitch for an episode idea! We'll choose yours, or we won't!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. You make me want to go out and steal. I just want to wreck you. I think I peaked for all of that

for some reason in my head I thought we were starting with this shook me all week long I don't know why I thought that because we've never done that before we've never done that we never will obviously

no and we never should so I guess this has been great thank you so much. We've never done that. We never will, obviously. No. And we never should. So I guess this has been great. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Review Review. Obviously not the show. Well, welcome then. Hey. It's so hard.

I apologize to the audience. It's so hard to get the levels just right. I think I got it now. I think mine's always been perfect and there's nothing I've done wrong. Come on. Because that makes me look like I'm incompetent. Jeffrey James got a switch, ya bitch. Ya bitch.

On last week's episode, we were talking about it, and you encouraged me, nay, forced my hand to buy the bish, so I bought the switch. I would just like to say that sometime during this week, Jeffrey texted me saying, I think I'm gonna buy it. I i think i'm gonna do it so i didn't force the hand but that's why i mean if we couldn't tell already today's episode is all about the nintendo switch yeah we had to nintendo switch it up on their ass so we played we carded last night and um I was fucking killing it, man. I placed in almost all of them on the podium, I think.

Well, you placed like ninth out of tenth. You played eighth out of ten. I think Daniel and I did pretty well. Amir actually was up there. Marika was even doing better than you. Well, I hate to hear that, because Marika's not even famous. And that's why she's even doing as well. Like, Amir is kind of famous.

Daniel's, like, been in movies. But Marika's kind of... movies but Marika is kind of no Marika is better at video games as soon as we find a thing that becomes the thing it is me and vice versa the thing is the Switch Nintendo or otherwise

it's April 10th we are for me this is 30 days having been quarantined oh yeah wait or tomorrow's tomorrow is 30 days having been quarantined oh yeah wait or tomorrow's tomorrow's 30 days and um they just extended it in la at least to may 15th i didn't see that this is my

live reaction holy shit may 15th is that what you said because i had plans for yeah i was gonna do like you had plans already yeah no i had i had plans for a I was going to do like you had plans already? I had plans for a Memorial Day barbecue and it just feels like May 15th is really pushing it you know what I mean? I think it's going to be even longer than May 15th definitely definitely that sucks to hear maybe I'll push it back to 4th of July do you think we're good for the 4th?

Anywho Jeff how are you enjoying your switch? It's the light at the end of the tunnel for me at every hard day so what I'll do what I've been doing can I run you guys through my routine it's just me but go for it no let me ask you so i got the yes from you let me wait for the audience you're gonna be waiting a long time 80 minutes of silence and then one sure who the fuck was that um so i wake up around 10 a.m late i know but who cares it's quarantine and i am gonna call it don't yell at me late but who cares i so i'm up at 10 i get out of bed at like 10 20 10 30

i do these little home workouts that i'm doing 20 20 to 30 minutes, body weight exercises. And then I shower. Do a home, you said, I'll do some homework. It's a home workout. It's just a little homework. I'm trying to like, I'm trying to like tell a story. Fuck. And then I take my vitamins, do a protein shake,

do a banana shower. A banana shower? Oh, oh, I'm Jeff, I do a banana shower. Oh, I'm Jeffrey. Oh, I'm just getting in my banana shower. Oh, getting my potassium. Getting... You proud of yourself? Clean.

You think you're making me look an ass, but you're looking an ass. You're a fool. You're a court jester. Getting in my banana shower. What is that? That's nothing. No, it's nothing. Nothing.

Don't even stop. And then once I'm showered, I just, I'm there for the day and I do a bunch. I do work for this. I do work for the videos. I write. Honestly, I hate to do this, but I use the manscaped lawnmower. Don't say that to me. Don't shave that.

And then at night. Your rival company, don't shave that. At night, I play the Switch. Yeah, Daniel and I, because we are sharing a Switch. We're sharing a Switch. Right. And we've kind of decided that the Switch is our reward for having gotten things done that we need to during the day yeah yeah either will cart mario cart or i'll watch him play zelda breath of the wild or he'll watch me play pokemon sword those last two sound like you had to invite the nerd over to your like

hangout in middle school uh yeah i mean there's only two player game but you can watch this oh that's sad well that's a pretty solid day i started this 28 day workout thing that annie's robo walker introduced me to and right now i'm doing the flat ab challenge uh it's a 28 day sorry i'm doing the flat ass challenge um it's a 28 ab challenge. And the beauty of it is that it's like you follow these videos. It's this influencer, Chloe Ting, I think is her name. And she has a bunch of these workout videos. And so on her website, though, she has these kind of schedules of like, okay, here are the 28 days. And then she links the videos of like,

here are what videos you need to be doing per day. And so she'll kind of make a routine based on those videos. And it's like, but the video, it's like the workout total is maybe only somewhere between like, like today's the one that I have to do today is only 10 minutes. Oh. And the one yesterday was 30.

So it was like one 20 minute video, one 10 minute video. And so then today is only 10 minutes tomorrow is going to be like another 30. And then maybe the next day is 40. Then there's a rest day. And so I'm, I'm excited to get, I'm excited to get pretty jacked. I'm excited to have my body look snatched. And I'm, I'm excited to, I guess like when I come out of quarantine,

everyone's going to need to be going back in quarantine. Cause they're going to be like, oh, shit. It's Ant Spa. And she's. And that doesn't have to do with the body. That's just. Fuck. She's out.

She's out. We're all going back in. Back in. Back in. So what are we reviewing today? Well, I'm glad you asked. No one did. We're reviewing games for the Switch. Of course we are.

Because this is all we talk about now. Next week will be different consoles. The week after that will be cases. And what do you mean different consoles? Just like the light versus the main one, the different colors? Yeah, it'll be a color thing. For sure. What color do you have? I have the neon red and blue.

I just have all black. I wanted the all black, but it would have taken another four days. Mine was the last one in stock. Fucker. All black would have been chic. It would have been very choice. I don't want to see it because then I'm going to, that's obviously better. Mine looks like a candy cane.

I was playing Pokemon before you called. I was, fuck man i was like really i was stressing out on my tax returns before this is that a game no man i just like i didn't know what but apparently you're supposed to file them what is it what even is that you know what else is coming out on tax day my audit results well that too but also i feel like something um creatively stimulating just put your finger on brilliant you're searching for it but put your finger on it i'm searching for it i think it's something kind of some may describe it as genius uh it was not describe it as uh the best film ever made is that the shortest bad film ever made? Is that crazy to say? The shortest bad film ever made. Our short film, Good Morning, is premiering

on tax day. So, while most people do their taxes before tax day, they're due on tax day. So why don't you celebrate by watching an eight minute short written and performed by yours truly. It's premiering, so we were supposed to premiere at

Cleveland International Film Festival. Sure. But now, as everything's beening, so we were supposed to premiere at Cleveland International Film Festival, but now as everything's been cancelled, they're kind enough to put them all online for your viewing leisure. That's right. So we're premiering it at CephStreams online, and it'll be there for two weeks, and afterwards they're taking it down.

But after that, you can watch it on Film Shortage, and we'll also probably put it on the HeadGum YouTube channel. So everyone everyone please go stream it if you like the head gum videos if you like our podcast you'll like the short uh do you want to start this is a review for zelda breath of the wild i don't play it but uh mr rashid loves this game and it's fun to watch him play it's actually like it's nice because it's one of those games where i actually feel like i can be helpful it's not just like i'm watching someone do it it's like there are certain puzzles and it's like oh let put me in coach and like i can do it and then like it'll you know so anyway you're a kid this is but hey this is a one star review holy shit neve nevae um i'm so sorry i'm butchering

this name uh from november 5th 2019 one star it's spelled n-a-v-a-e-h neve neve i am a huge fan of the zelda series and have played nearly all of the titles. As a whole, this game is beautiful on the Switch, but it has a lot of cons. The difficulty in this game is unreal. Unless you have very fast reflexes, you will die a lot. Unless you have pinpoint aim, your archery will never hit. You've got to be very fast in combat, and there's no easy mode. Figuring out where to go is a major pain in the ass, and there's no help all from npcs half of the npcs want to kill you so avoid them this game is going in the

trash where it belongs hi i'd like to make a return do you have a problem with the game uh the game had a problem with me it feels like so morale is low for me i'm bad was it scratching was it scratching no i don't know how people have fun with this shit because it has to be pinpoint accuracy, right? You've played the game. Have you played the game? I've played it twice over. This game is like probably,

I think it won best game of the year. But would you say that it took, it takes like a bad amount of skill to be good at it? It starts off pretty easy. In fact, like the easiest. So then it can, you build into harder challenge. You think it starts out easy? It does start out easy.

It starts out with calibrating length. Beg to diff. I couldn't get past the calibration level. What is it even? I didn't even know how to move his shoulders. So... Mister! What?

Mister! Scram! Sorry. No, my buddy and I just couldn't help over here. You couldn't get past the calibration level? Come on, man. What are you, eight? I'm eight and a half.

I'm getting made fun of by a tween. This is insane. How long did it take you to finish the game? You have finished the game, though, right? No, I mean, I tried. Obviously, I tried. It's just like I couldn't. Jesus, you gotta come over here.

No, don't bring all your little friends. Dude. There's 10 of them. Yeah. What? What? What? Who the fuck?

Where do you guys come from? We're your parents. This guy couldn't beat Breath of the Wild. Loser. Loser. Loser. Yeah, this kid's the loser, right? That's what you're chanting.

Come on, man. I'm really sorry. Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry. Don't feel bad for me. I don't. Come on, man. I'm really sorry. Don't be sorry. Don't feel bad for me. I don't need your pity, man. I beat the game. I mean, you have a bunch of eight-year-olds calling you a loser. For the record, I beat the game.

I beat the game. You just said that you wish you'd beaten the game. Shut up, man. Look at the game beat you. No. The guy behind the counter, look, man, you've embarrassed yourself. I'll take the return but it's usually we don't but i feel bad we don't do that but for you i'll make an exception

let me guess this guy plays as kirby in super smash bros i know oh he does yeah i bet he hasn't filed his tax returns how do you know that? Fuck. Tax returns. How do you even know what that is? I have so many 1099s that I have to file. It's not just one W-2. I feel like we see a lot of reviews. This is bad because I'm not good at it. So I'll leave it a one star review.

That would have been great if there was a public pool review and it was like, this pool sucks because I'm not good at swimming. Because I can't backstroke. So I hit my head on the side of the pool so you can backstroke you just hurt yourself well i mean it's like apparently i didn't do it well yeah you didn't so they said stop swimming into my lane that's against the rules i said i said i'm trying not to and so that's right i'm giving this place a one star in person i'm soaking wet at the front desk i didn't bring my own towel i thought that you'd have them here we do but you didn't want to pay the fee because i have them at home then why'd you fucking oh my god just take the towel i hate looking at you wet would you like to have a turn this is a three star review from dav G's wife. What do you think G stands for?

It stands for a neck crack? Yeah. David David wife. The game is Luigi's Mansion 3 which I am gonna probably download after this. Three stars. It starts out parentheses wife.

This is to show that it's not David, it's his wife, but the same Amazon account. Nice graphics seems to play well and be fairly smooth with a reasonable storyline. Reasonable. Seems like a good game if you like ghostbuster like storylines turned out to be a bit scarier than we thought from gameplay video reviews we'd seen

got it for my daughter and me to play together after unlocking guiji playable doppelganger of luigi at least that was the. She's six and got pretty scared very quickly from this game. Guess I should have trusted my gut and gone with a tamer as in no evil ghost game, like Animal Crossing, Gigantosaurus, Let's Go Pokemon Eevee.

Well, I guess it's back to checking reviews and hoping for a better outcome next time. Reasonable storyline! Reasonable.... Reasonable. Wait, can you read that sentence again? Nice graphics. Seems to play well and be fairly smooth with a reasonable storyline.

Somebody getting notes from his book editor. There were some parts that were not as reasonable to me. Meaning? Meaning it's like when Kathy then had to take a cab to her friend's play downtown, but she was uptown. And she got there in, what, 10 minutes, 15 minutes? That didn't seem reasonable to me. I never said in the book that it took 15 minutes. I just said that after a while.

I mean, usually it's like, it would take like a while not like oh after i would take like it's like oh a while later kathleen got to her show probably she'd probably be a little late that's all i'm saying is that it's like there's some parts it's like i don't believe i don't believe you well you want me so you want me to edit the book and just say she was late to the play well it's like not only that so that's i guess it's like apply that note to all the other places do you catch my drift well it just seems like such a small thing, it's like, not only that. So that's, I guess it's like, apply that note to all the other places. Do you catch my drift? Well, it just seems like

such a small thing. If it's a bunch of small notes, I don't need them. She was late to the play or like when she cooked, it's like she turned the heat on medium high to start her eggs.

She would have burnt the eggs pretty quick. So we want to do like low heat, low and slow. Because I don't believe then that she would have like really fluffy like french style scrambled eggs if she's cooking it i didn't say they were french you see you're editorializing it i said i said she cooked eggs over over the stove i don't know what it is about the stove that made you think medium high or that they were

french velvety eggs she's kind of a she's a down-to-earth main resident it's breakfast to her it's yeah i guess that's a character note that's a character note not how much she cooked no that's pretty reasonable i guess that makes more sense to me yeah um your dad owns the company so that's why you're my editor and that's reasonable to me you're bad at notes no one's gonna believe that if she were late to the play that her friend would be like oh kathy i'm so glad you made it that's why i didn't say she was late to the play because otherwise it'd be a different story but obviously she was late to the play if she's if she's in rush hour okay i'm also seeing yeah now i just turned the page i'm seeing that you gave me notes on my

about the author section you're not supposed to do that you said it's unreasonable that i went to harvard you said it's unreasonable that I spent my 20s in Europe. That happened. What do you mean it's unreasonable? It just seems unreasonable that a guy like you would spend his time trapising around Europe instead of starting really getting to work

on his work. Get to work on your work. Two of my best sellers are written about that experience. Without the experience, you wouldn't have me as an author. Yeah, I don't know. That just seems pretty unreasonable. I can see in the background of this Skype call, yeah, your word of the day on the calendar is reasonable.

You're just shoving it into every sentence. Two days from now, my word is excitable. So what did you think of the newest draft? Seeing her kind of like really taste her first sip of whiskey since her dad died and like how how alive it made her feel like i mean i think that's a pretty excitable chapter excitable yeah so so the calendar dictates how you feel how i feel it dictates like kind of what i'm focusing on in the notes you know what's funny about luigi's mansion is that i definitely like when i was young the the gamecube version like spooked me a little bit because like I'd be playing late at night with

my buddy Chris and we would we would turn all off all the lights off we would play and it gets spooky if it's like 3 a.m sleepover style I've never played um it's so much fucking fun I don't know if there's a multiplayer thing but we should definitely you should get it i have never been able to like pinpoint the reason i have this fear and it's not like a big like ah scared fear but it's just more like a little i get spooked by it in a similar luigi's mansion style way and so it's like it's a very specific spook fear around um like you know at disneyland like the dark rides like you go on like you have your snow white you have your mr toad you have your you know things like that

where it's like you go into the dark and it's like the whole movie's playing out basically and you have like all the kind of animatronics figure animatronics yeah the animatronics aren't the thing that scares me it's how bright they are in complete darkness and there's like no visible light source it's like going into something and like pitch black and then something like fully bright and cartoony coming at you but no light source around it it isn't emanating any light anywhere else it's just like self-illuminating that is scary to me does that make sense oh god the thing that scares you is that it's self-illuminating

i'm just so confused it's just that it looks scary because it's also not like lighting anything around it. So it's like I have no sense of the surroundings of the thing. It just exists in its own void and it's really bright and technicolor. So I feel like you are just afraid of the darkness. No, it's darkness with only one thing lit in it, usually like a bright cartoony thing.

I don't know, man. We gotta figure this shit out. Come on! Anyone, please DM me if you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure there's something. I just don't get it. I just don't understand. I think if you showed me the visual, I'd probably get it. I'll show you a visual later. Okay. Well, we have to take a break. Well, after a word from our one sponsor.

The sponsor. The sponsor. The sponsor. Our last deal was really lucrative. Marty. And we're back and we're back riley would you like to do your your second it's my second one this one's for animal crossing i have never played animal crossing um i don't i've heard great things i see a lot of funny memes about it but i feel like because there's no real plot or narrative

like i think i would get bored pretty easily because for me it's like those just pure world building games they don't um entice me yeah but what about during quarantine it's the perfect quarantine one star no name but where before you buy the game and have multiple people in your family who want to play, they can't. I played it all day, super excited and loved it. And then when I couldn't do anything else today, my husband was going to create his island to play too. Well, we didn't realize that there's only one island per console, so multiple users have to share the island and use all its resources. So my husband had nothing to do and couldn't really play since I already did everything.

It was a real bummer and I hope they update it soon. You were in a divorce meeting? My client wants full control over their Animal Crossing island. I don't know what that is. That's all they've asked for. They said you can keep the house, the cars, the kids, custody. Do they buy an island on some sort of island chain are they talking about like it's a it's a game it's a video game it's a simulation and they want the island

the console sorry they want the con they want is it who just signs which you're getting everything you're getting the dog the house the cars the kids the. You're getting all of that. They just want this. So just sign it, right? It'd be dumb not to. I want the console. I'll fight to the fucking death for it. You go back and you tell your client that the deal is fucking off. He said the deal was off. He didn't want the... He didn't want

any of what you had offered. He said to keep the kids, the cars, the house, the cash, the custody, the dogs, everything. Tell them that they can keep everything, and I'll throw in a little, like, I'll take some cash out of the bank right now, but I'm keeping the island. He said that he would throw in extra cash, which it's the same joint account, so it's basically the same offer.

It reminds me of the old days, when we used to, you know, we'd go to a bookstore a rare bookstore and we would find the same vintage copy of mary shelley's frankenstein and i would say i want it and he'd be like no me and we'd end up ripping the book in half and both paying the thousand dollars each um for the restoration but you know we both knew that it's like we are so set in our ways and that's my Jack. I don't want a divorce anymore. Hey, man. She said she doesn't want a divorce anymore because you guys ripped books apart. Oh my god, she told you the Frankenstein story. It wasn't a story it was just that crazy bitch don't call it here you take our

island what am i gonna do with this build your bidet i don't want a virtual bidet find a wife rip a book share a life share life holy shit the lawyer on a date my clients i'm a lawyer uh and my clients gave me a hearth and a bidet on a game and they said find a wife rip a book so it's kind of those two things to answer your question just like why i decided you're really really nice but uh i don't know if i can do this are Are you talking about Animal Crossing New Horizons? Yeah. I've heard that it's only a one-console game. Well, I don't mean to be crass, but I've heard that you're only a one-man game.

What does that even mean? That you're very loyal. You don't mean to be crass, but you've heard that I'm loyal? Yeah, I just don't want to be too forward. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Let's do this thing, right? I think it's working. I'm gonna head out. Do you have one more? I have one more. Three stars.

Carnival Games. My son loves skeeball and bowling. Unfortunately, both of these games need to be unlocked by playing more of the mundane games that collect tickets in game currency to purchase those games. Needless to say, my son doesn't want to play, and now his 31-year-old father has been playing Home Run Derby non-stop in an attempt to unlock the games my son actually wants to play. Now, I don't really mind this too much as I'm a gamer,

and well, Home Run Derby's pretty sweet. However, 2K should have really had an option allowing parents to just simply unlock games so your kids can play whatever they want to play. Honey, honey, we gotta go. We're gonna miss the movie. We said we'd meet Todd and Claire there at 7. You have to go without me. I gotta keep playing this

Home Run Derby game. What? No, we've been planning this for weeks. I'm eight homers away from getting ske ball for Tyler. All right? This is the last thing I need is you on my case. I'm sorry. It's just this game is so frustrating. I've been playing it for eight hours, and you know how Tyler gets.

Why has he been? He's three. What do you mean you know how he gets? He throws a tantrum, get over it. He doesn't do it to you, but sometimes in the middle of the night, he pours hot water on my gets. He throws a tantrum, get over it. He doesn't do it to you, but sometimes in the middle of the night, he pours hot water on my legs. He what? He scolds me because I got him the game,

and then he can't play the thing. It's a whole thing that I've been dealing with the past two and a half weeks. I got him this game that he's been wanting to play skee-ball and bowling on. Those levels aren't unlocked yet, so he's been hurting me physically every night in my sleep until I unlock it for him. So could you please just go see the movie alone? Tyler, could you come in here, please?

Hey, Mom. I've just been told something very serious by your father, and I need you to be honest with me when I ask you about it, okay? What is it? Your dad told me that at night you've been pouring scalding water on his legs because you want to unlock certain features in a video game. What does scalding mean? Very, very hot. I don't know how to make water hot. See, that's what I thought.

Thank you, honey. You can go back to your room. He's a devil child. I'm telling you. He knows how to scald water. Three, he doesn't know how to boil water. How dare you say that about our son? Look at my legs. He takes his pants off. Look at this. Puss. scald water. Three, he doesn't know how to boil water. How dare you say that about our son? Look

at my legs. He takes his pants off. Look at this. Pus. Burns. Jesus. You think I'm doing this to myself? How have I not noticed? Because we don't have sex. Maybe. Because we don't have sex. Now, we'll get to that in a few weeks, probably, but just let me get this game settled. What else has he been doing to you? He put tacks on my ass. One on each. It started bleeding and then when the scars healed, they looked like two nipples on boobs. My ass cheeks are nippled. He circumcised me. I was uncircumcised before this. Oh, and you expect me to believe our three-year-old has been mutilating you? He takes his pants down again. Nipple ass.

Oh my god. Yeah. You know what? I'm starting to believe you're doing these things to yourself to get out of date nights. I don't relate to Todd. So you have been doing this to yourself. Yeah, of course I've been doing this to myself. I've also been trying to unlock it for Tyler because I love the little prick. But no, he hasn't been scalding my legs. Of course not. Of course not. Todd. What about Todd? He wears cargo pants out.

Todd is nice. He's nice. He's boring. You don't have to talk to him. All right. You just go off with Sheila. You do whatever you want. You talk.

You guys chat and gab because you're best friends since college. Todd isn't addicted to carnival games. Todd doesn't make nipples on his ass to look like nipples on a boob. What's that supposed to mean? What is that supposed to mean? It means that he doesn't prick his own ass. He does prick his own ass, by the way, in a different way, because the last time we got together, he talked to me about the pleasures of anal play for 45 minutes, and it wasn't even in a hot way. It was so monotone. It didn't even seem like he liked it.

At least he tries things. At least he doesn't just sit there scalding his own legs and blaming it on his toddler. What do you want? What do you want? I do try things. I just don't like them. I want you to throw away carnival games. Because, like, I've already invested so many hours into it.

You've invested too many hours. Too many hours. And you're scalding yourself. I'm over the peak. I i'm over the hump so at least if i can finish it i can justify it if i don't finish it then the whole thing was a wash tyler could you come back in here please hey mom tyler honey do you really need this game no i don't really even want to play those games that much it's just that dad kept saying that he was like you're gonna be a hell of a bowler someday son Not like I could ever be

Alright honey well hey how about tomorrow morning I'll take you we'll go bowling together Okay how about that We'll go to a real bowling alley Yeah I'd rather do that than play it on the game Alright go to bed He really keeps Throw out the game

Of course I'm gonna throw it out But it's just like he's such a snitch. He's not a snitch. I've been asking him. He actually hasn't come to me about any of this. I'm the one who had to ask if he was scalding daddy's legs. I had to ask if he wanted to play bowling on a TV. So no, he's not a snitch.

He's an angel. I'm lost in life otherwise. This whole thing is indicative of just where I'm at, all right? I'm in a midlife crisis and you're not even there for me. You're taking our prick son's fucking side. Stop calling him a prick son. He's been nothing

but incredible. He's been so supportive to me. What, while you played carnival games? No, he was helping me heal my wounds. Like the puss legs? Puss legs, the nippled ass, the circumcised. Don't make our son help you with your nipple ass. I'm just trying to be open

with him about this kind of stuff. My dad never talked to me about my body other than calling me fart ass. I need you to throw away carnival games by the end of the night or we're done. What time is it? Seven. Okay, fine.

This shouldn't be a hard decision. You should not have had to think that long about throwing away a game. It's not like what you're throwing away Animal Crossing or some shit. It's carnival games. Wait a second. No. No. You should have made your decision three times over by now.

No. Yeah. No, I'll throw it out. But you said by the end of the night. You said, what? What? Todd? Todd would never think this long.

He's taken. You can't just decide to leave me for someone who is also in a marriage. Sheila is also leaving Todd. For me? Yeah. What the fuck? We're swinging now this should be all week long do you have something i've started half ass jogging like kind of taking up jogging.

Like I start really and I hate cardio. I hate running. But I'm like, since we're here for a bit, I need to do something. And I like love my neighborhood. So I usually start hot out the gate. I'm keeping up a steady jog. And then if I end up listening to podcasts, then it just turns into walking. And then maybe I'll jog a block.

Maybe I'll sprint half a block, maybe a full block. And then it's just it's really inconsistent. And so Mariel Winand, a good pal, recommended this app to me, it just tracks like, where you're running, what your pace is. And I'm not trying for any kind of time, because I'm not like a runner by any means. But what I didn't realize about this app is that it's like, wow. It's like whenever you hit a mile, um, it'll be like distance ran one mile. And then it'll tell you your, it's like how long you've been running and then what your pace is. And so because I'm, I'm like jogging, walk it, like I'm doing a mix of all these things I'll hear in my ear as I'm just trying to get a little bit of a sweat going, a little bit of exercise, I'll hear one mile, time duration, 13 minutes.

Then it's like pace, 12 and a half minutes per mile. And I feel so bad about myself. This doesn't feel like a healthy hobby. No, it's definitely not. And that's why i've stopped using it and what's wild about the map is that it like it shows you where you've ran but then once you're done with the run it has tracked like the speed so it has like green parts where you were pretty slow orange where you were kind of jogging and then red for a sprint and so i'm able to look at

and be like okay walked there jogged there got tired there decided to run a little bit to make up for how tired I was then jog then walk and then I walked the rest of the way home so I've stopped using the app since isn't it well running's not even a good form of cardio from what I've read it's like you burn muscle

when you run really yeah like you. It's like you burn muscle when you run. Really? Yeah, like you don't burn fat, you burn muscle. Well, I don't know what to believe anymore, man. Jogging's okay, and I think walking's actually better. Well, I don't run, I jog. I walk, well, that's excellent, because I walk a lot. Yeah, I feel like you should just walk, because walking is enjoyable.

My feet are sore, because all the muscles that haven't really been used are running. And they're just like, what the fuck are you doing? My nutritionist said that you should just find things that you actually enjoy doing. Because otherwise you can't sustain it. Yeah, I love walking. Then just walk. So I will walk. What?

My name is Dirty Ryan. I'm taking a walk. I'm going up and down the block. That's right. I said block. I'm walking blocks to the left. Blocks to the right. What?. I'm taking a walk. I'm going up and down the block. That's right. I said block. I'm walking blocks to the left, blocks to the right. What? Now I'm back home. I walked all night. I said I walked through Hollywood. That's because it is my hood. I wouldn't walk to Jeff's house because that's too far. But maybe if I ran or took my car. Now I'm driving around, not even walking, because I'm a clown.

I'm in my car, not breaking a sweat, except when it's a little hot outside. That's right, we live in Los Angeles, but lately it has rained. I'm talking water all day. There it is. Rapper's delight by the end disinfecting different products with very expensive scotch i'm using alcohol products that cost 80 dollars to disinfect a box that's right i got a pair of headphones put them in a sauce that was made by alcoholic scotch and then I ruined the sauce.

That's right, I put the headphones in, disinfected them. Then I called my dad. I said, Daddy, can you please buy me another pair of headphones? Because I poured the scotch. Um, walking is great.

What's shaking you all right so this is a stupid one but let's just go with it okay um everybody's in quarantine right obviously obviously you want to if you can support local businesses here and there but you know most of us are cooking every night so uh i i've just been doing uh i've been marinating chicken in pre-made marinades right baking them at 425 for 20 minutes and it's fucking amazing it's easy it takes 20 minutes 22 minutes tops like i mean unless you marinate it all day um which doesn't even count cause you're not really focused on it or anything. So, you know,

if anybody's looking, basically, if anybody's looking for a, a quarantine recipe, just get, uh, you know, when you order groceries or go get groceries,

get a marinade sauce, like general sows, some kind of soy based thing, a miso dressing, any, any salad dressing works too, like Italian marinate your chicken you know a few hours before you cook and then bake it for 25 20 minutes and it's fucking delectable

it seeps in it's all juicy it's uh my mom did that with a tikka masala the other night and it was delightful oh yeah it's fucking yeah i'm cutting fat out of my diet, though, so I can't do dairy-based sauces like that. Hmm. What? No, it's fine. I mean, it is fine. It's just, it doesn't affect you. It doesn't affect you.

So no milk, then. So no milk, that's it, right? So no milk, then. That's how it affects you? I'm doing chocolate milk, actually. But low fat. This is your wet dream. Skim anything. Skim anything.

I'm a whole milk guy if I do have milk but i'm doing this the the non-fat chocolate um nice so yeah um this is week four of quarantine i feel like we're set i feel like we're set we're good no i mean i mean more like i'm this is it this is life now it doesn't feel strange oh i yeah no i feel positive about it. Yeah, I go in and out. It's like there are some days that's like really in the flow and the other days where it's just the like obvious feelings of just like, wow, this is very sad. They come in. And so I'm just riding that wave. I don't even feel like it.

For me, it's not sad anymore. Like, I feel like I'm more connected with some people in my life than I ever have been. Not ever. Than I have been in a long time. I just mean like the world is sad like it's the kind of like the the very much shared global trauma of what's happening sets in and then I'm like it just goes in and out it's crazy it's but I'm very grateful to have this yeah but the housing market might crash a little bit more so my goal of being a homeowner by age 30 might be fulfilled. And Jeff will probably be moving in the next eight months,

which I called. It's not going to happen. Oh, and I have a review. This is a five star review. Remember to leave your five star review. And if it's funny enough, we might read it on the show.

This is on April 8th, 2020 from Mateo Tron. Bad hosts on a bad coast. Played it aloud with the sound on and ruined a family game night, DVD or otherwise. And I can't leave the house to cop a copy of that comedy for fear of catching

the m-m-m-my corona. Oh my god. Thanks for everything? Nah. Thanks for everything? Nah. Thanks for everything. Five stars. Thank you very much for everything. And thank you for everything. Yay.

Yay. So that was, thanks, Matteo Tron. Thanks, Matteo Tron. Be sure to leave your own five star review and we'll read it on the show or not. Or not. Thanks, everybody. We appreciate them thank you to manscaped too for our first ad on last week's episode i think it'll be running on this one too

but thank you manscaped and thank you jeffrey for everything and also thanks for everything wait why do you say it like that though because that sounds like i'm never gonna see you again no she's like hey man thanks for everything it's been great you don't have anything like you're not leaving you're not going on a trip or anything right oh you're right oh okay well then i'll see you next week yeah you'll see me next week all right i'll see you guys i just ended up like a facetime call okay bye see you guys that was a hate gum podcast