Review Revue - Novelty Socks

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

It seems today that all we see is Reilly flipping the bird and Alf being nude while larping. Where are those good-old fashion values on which the show used to rely?  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

Jeff's been retired, and they tell me a new host is coming in. Axe skills are fire, even I know make room for him is it sink or swim are we happy in his hands listeners may be hard to hold on to blank stares at blank pages No easy way to say this You mean well, but we'll make this hard on you

I'm not gonna write out the theme song Cause he asked for it, cause he needs one You see I'm not gonna write out the theme song Cause you tell me it's what's been shaking him New guy's on his way Still not gonna write you to say Cause all I thought was Peter Griffin

Need another Mr. Babe I refute you begging pleases Guess that's all I really needed To write you A theme song today Today Today Holy freaking crap! that was incredible that was amazing incredible so that was from jp so jp says

came up with a perfect alf theme song that must be played immediately i did the lyrics and my best friend did the vocals if you could plug her at kristin brown music k-r-i-s-t-e-n brown music across all platforms and then we'll plug jp's tiktok at jp carlson j-p-c-a-r-l-s-e-n 20 go follow everybody that was amazing the writing like everything about the that was so much better than this show if you know love song by serb well it's like the whole history behind that plus this, it was just smart. Who doesn't know Love Song by Sarah Burrell? The vocals were fire.

The lyrics were fire. Now that's going to be in my head all day, and I love it. That was great. I'm not going to write you a name, Tom. That was awesome. It kind of makes me feel like I don't want to do this episode now because that was so good that like.

Let's be honest. I didn't want to do it before we heard that song was a sleepy baby today. I was a sleepy baby. He's a sleepy little baby. I'm a goo goo gaga ass bitch. I was going to ask, like, what's new with you? Are you still sleepy? I am sleepy. Riley shut the fuck

up I'm gonna be aggressive today oh my god that's gonna be this episode yeah baby we um no you know like angry babies say we are we I was on the phone with Riley earlier. Shocker. And Riley and Daniel, not our editor Daniel. There's been some confusion about that. Riley's boyfriend, Daniel, both told me I should take a 20-minute nap. They were like, take a 20-minute nap. You'll feel so much better. You'll want to do the episode. It's going to be great.

Well, I feel like fucking dog shit. I took a 20-minute nap at the same time as alf i feel amazing i went to i went i was in bed i'm like fuck i'm so tired and then 20 minute nap i woke up feeling incredible do you think there's any chance that you got my sleep too maybe i think that's how it works there was like a mix-up and you got my sleep also oh i guess i didn't think about that there could have been a mix-up at the Sleep Factory. It's like Freaky Friday, but I just, we

didn't change bodies, I just got your sleep. Sleep Factory sounds like a company that would sponsor the show. What's new with me? Thanks, Sleep Factory. Thanks for asking. I don't give a hoots-oos. Like I said on last week's episode, I've been really obsessed with the mole lately

and so I went down to take a nap and this afternoon I went down to take a nap it sounds like a baby I know literally so Daniel put me down for a nap because I was being extremely fussy I wouldn't eat my lunch so Daniel put me down for a nap

so the way I take my naps is like I'm sleepy so I need to lull myself to sleep melt my lunch. Daniel put me down for a nap. And I, so the way I take my naps is like, it's usually like, I'm sleepy. So I need to lull myself to sleep. So usually it'll consist of like 20 minutes

of TikTok and then a 20 minute nap. So a nap is like a 40 minute experience. Really healthy. Really healthy. 20 minutes of TikTok, but because I've been

so obsessed with the mole, I watched 20 minutes, not even, I watched like 10, 15 minutes of the mole on my phone. And Daniel came into our room to grab something thinking I was asleep. And he opens the door and I'm under the bucket. I just like 10, 15 minutes of The Mole on my phone. And Daniel came into our room to grab something, thinking I was asleep.

And he opens the door and I'm under the bucket. I just turn and I just go, it's The Mole. And he's like, okay. And that's what doctors recommend, is that if you're having trouble sleeping, just blast 20 minutes of blue light right into your frickin' retinas. Yeah. I'm trying to think what else is new. My frickin' ratnas, Lois.

Alf and I. Classic slip-up. Daniel and I have been making this awesome new stir-fry recipe that we found. Oh, God, yeah. What's in it? Chicken. Artichoke. Nope, I lied. Chicken. Leeks. Bok choy. We added some asparagus in there. Interesting.

A marinade. Allium-heavy dish. A marinade. What's alliumium allium is the family of foods that both leeks and bok choy belong to leeks bok choy onions garlic these are all uh alliums i didn't know that yeah i only know that because i had a customer once who was allergic to alliums and she gave me like a business card that like said all the things that were out and i was like that you know you see a lot in my line of work you see a lot but i never seen that before and she had business cards which honestly was huge because that helped us not um um killer uh speaking of making a killing um not talk about this podcast these puppies the topic today speaking of making a killing these puppies these puppies sell like hot cakes you see them everywhere they make a killing in every store they're in. They make a killing because they're so funny.

You'll die laughing when you see them. I feel like they make less of a killing than they used to. I feel like 2012, 2013 was probably the peak. I owned some. Shit. We're talking novelty socks. Let's just jump right into it. I owned some.

We're talking novelty socks. Alf, talk to me about them. What kind of novelty socks did's just jump right into it i own novelty socks um alf talk to me about them what kind of novelty socks did you have i had all sorts i had a pair of socks that had elmo's face on them they were red and then they had elmo's face and then yeah shocker i had a pair that was blue and had cookie monster's face i said a pair that was yellow and had SpongeBob's face. Now, how old are you when you're wearing these? I wish you didn't ask. But not wearing them ironically. I was probably like 13, 14.

I was wearing them ironically. Let's be clear. I had a rich, deep sense of irony as a teenager. What I will say is did that read? Professor Awesome. Did that read? Sorry. What I will say is, did that read? Professor Awesome. Did that read? Sorry, you're telling me Professor Awesome was wearing those socks ironically?

Professor Awesome, when he said Professor Awesome was his name for the cake, was also ironic. That was also an ironic choice. I don't know. I was really cringey, I guess i also had you gotta unlock the cringe to unlock yourself i also think like i don't think i ever owned the sort of quintessential 2012 novelty socks which would be a pair of socks with bacon on it or mustache or tacos or avocado now taco no i'm not saying i did but i wouldn't deny it if i did i know i had a pair with manatees on um that's cute yeah they were actually i liked those socks they were like pink and they had man oh taco yeah taco is tough. My mustache has bacon in it.

My other car is a TARDIS. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck. Were you a Whovian? You big Whovian? No, I've never seen an episode of Doctor Who. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a liar. I never have.

She's grinning from ear to ear like a liar would. I feel like I could get into it i loved it i loved it i have to say as a child come on uh no honestly i bet it's great i i bet it's awesome i know i believe it you're missing out you're busy watching the fucking mole i'm not a whovian i'm somewhat of a Whovian, I'm somewhat of a Molevian I'm not a Whovian, but I am a Molewoman So I haven't been watching Doctor Who so much as Living Underground for the past 17 years That tracks, actually

I don't know If I've ever Did you ever? I'm trying to think if I've ever seen you in a pair of Not-Lolity socks I definitely have, oh, I have some now did you ever i'm trying to think if i've ever seen you in a pair of novelty socks i definitely oh i i have some now i have some now that i wear it's like daniel bought me a pair of socks with boston terriers on them as a bit and i love them because they look like little gremlins um because we went to bu and so he we were at this museum and there was a dog exhibit

and so he surprised me after we left with a pair of like neon green socks with Boston Terriers on them. And, um, as a little BU nod. And I think they're very funny. It's funny. You saying that just reminded me,

um, of when I was in college and we did like a secret Santa. And I feel like novelty socks are like huge and yeah great secret santa gift and we would do secret santa for my whole um like class in school we had these very small classes like 40 people and we would do a secret santa all four years um with all 40 of us it was really fun and but novelty socks were big and i got a pair once from somebody if i remember correctly one sock said like on the sole of it you know like on the bottom if you can read this i have a pair of those and that's what i have

reviews of and then the other one was like fuck off it was like get out of my fucking face it was like a very aggressive and i was like flattered that that was like the energy they got for me and also i was like well i'm never wearing these very big logan roy energy succession socks if you're gonna write this fuck off fuck off um i can't even think about this so i love i feel like they've novel in the year 2023 novelty socks have come around again to where it's like if you have a pair of socks that's like bring me a taco it's like, if you have a pair of socks, it's like, bring me a taco. It's like, I think that's funny now because it's, it's the referencing of the time when they were worn. Ironic Gen Z fashion.

All bets are fucking off. They'll wear the ugliest shit and be like, look at me. Isn't this ironic? And I'm like, you're literally wearing a shirt as pants. I want to die, but I have a pair of socks.

This is not ironic. These are just just i wear them all the time and i love them how big are they shut up so um so genuinely my neighbor down the hall in our apartment has a puppy who daniel and i get to watch a lot and he's like gotten so much bigger but we love this dog so much and we talk about him all the time we take so many photos of him we send photos to like daniel's family my family like we love this dog so much and we talk about him all the time we take so many photos of him we send photos to like daniel's family my family like we love this dog so for christmas don't ask for him yeah so daniel and i spent christmas with his family in chicago and we were doing we were exchanging

gifts and daniel's dad gave daniel and i each a pair of novelty socks with this dog's face on them like a bunch of like printed there's like a bunch of faces of this dog um on the socks and which i just think they're incredible because it's like it's not even our dog like we have socks with dog's face on them that is not our dog and some people see it they're like oh is that your like afraid not um did you tell the doggies oh yeah we sent it to her immediately and we're just like look at these and she's like that's great um so we have those i remember one time uh we got socks for my my nephew loves daniel loves daniel and so we got him socks with daniel's face on that That's funny. So he has Daniel socks, but then in that same order,

something happened and we got, there was like an order mix up. And so we actually have socks with just random kids faces on them. No, no, no, no, no. And so they're just, we have them in a drawer of like someone's children. So that's weirder than having the dog socks. I love the idea that with that mix up, there was like someone, someone's grandma was like,

I got, I got socks with all my grandkids face on it. And it's just like Daniel's face all over. No, we got both. We got the Daniel face socks and and these kids so some old lady in the same order empty package yeah um but i also have a pair i was gifted a pair of socks that was like if you can see this bring me wine and i think that's funny as hell like but very much in the wraparound way of like having socks like that now is very funny. I agree.

It might've been a little cringe a couple of years ago. Maybe they're cringe now, but I think it's funny as hell, but not cringe now. So it's okay. That's true. Um, but yeah, I think when I think of novelty talks,

I think of, I'm thinking of like peak. I mean, it's like you have all the sayings, you have all those things. I feel like I've gone into bookstores where it's like a lot of like peak. I mean, it's like you have all the sayings, you have all those things. I feel like I've gone into bookstores where it's like a lot of literary sucks. Aren't meant to be funny,

but it'll have like book quotes on them or like scenes from books on them movies. But when I think it always talk, I think like mustache and bacon, I'm thinking like peak, like 2012. It's also like, I think the thing about novelty socks is it's very like novelty ties yeah which is that

you can you don't have to know anything about the person like you don't need to know what size if you're buying someone a t-shirt you need to know what size you know what i mean you need to know do they wear novelty socks everybody wears socks you can just get them fucking socks yeah and you don't really need to double you don't need to overthink it and like socks you can wear socks anytime you can wear socks with anything yeah you know i think it's a very good uh hot take you can wear socks with anything hot take i wear my stevas uh with socks uh novelty socks that say if you can read this get on the floor i was trying to do a boar on the floor like call back to the logan roy thing but i guess i'm still sleepy so i just said if you read this get on the floor that should be that's a new merch idea if you can read this

on the front it says if you can read this get on the floor on the front it says if you can read this get on the floor and on the back it says about the fish no the socks i think we should make socks if you can read this get on the floor i mean that's a good idea um somebody get on that somebody merch department get on that oh our merch department oh our giant department of hundreds of people can someone from merch do that really quick? Hey, haven't heard from merch in a while. Are y'all okay down there? Reach out. Down there?

They live in the basement of the office. I would love, I have a review I'd love to start with if that's okay. I'm very excited. Yeah, why not? You need a win. So these socks, they're floral socks that say, I'm a delicate fucking flower.

My floral socks. Okay, Steve Martin and Pink Panther. Tell us the reviews. So they're floral socks, and on the side it says, I'm a delicate fucking flower. No, thank you. So this is five stars from Diane M. Diane, my wife.

Diane, my wife. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The title is fun. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The title is fun. Love the socks. Not too thick. So work well in my work shoes. And makes me smile to know I'm wearing them.

Sometimes we all need a little secret humor to make it through the day. Secret humor to make it through the day. It's like, you know, I don't know if you know this, but it's like it's like i've seen that it's like you know people who wear lingerie under their clothes it's like even if you're just wearing it to work it's like it's for me it's like so i feel sexy throughout the day and like knowing that i'm wearing this like lacy set or whatever but it's like that but being like i got a little something funny under the leg i got a little something funny under the leg. I got a little something funny in the shoe. I do that, but with my chain mail. So that I feel like a knight.

They don't know that I'm a knight. Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. What can I do for you today? Ah, huzzah! Hmm. May I trouble you for a medium iced coffee, my liege? Um, sure.

Do you want any milk sweetener in that? Hmm. Do you have caramel swirl? You do. Yeah. I'll have that. Sugar-free. Do you have sugar-free caramel swirl?

No, we're out of the sugar-free. That's all right. It's a Friday. Yep. All right. And can I get a name for that? Lord Ben. You're in a fully normal outfit.

Like, we can't see the chain mail, but your button down looks like it's about to rip open because there's so much under it. I'm dripping with sweat. It takes so much effort to move around. Lord Ben is the name. Okay, Lord Ben. Great, we'll let you know when it's ready.

Okay. Walks over to the name. Okay, Lord Ben. Great, we'll let you know when it's ready. Okay. Walks over to the picker. Waiting there next to, like, a little teenage girl. I got a nice coffee with caramel swirl. What'd you get? Um, uh, yeah. I just, I got a vanilla latte iced vanilla latte

never had one of those is it good mom um oh no mom I think can I wait in the car can you grab this yeah of course of course hi hello

um sorry she's... yeah. I get it. Mine are just like that. It's a tough age. A tough age. Yep. A tough age. How old are yours?

Uh, 13 and 15. And 8, 15? Sorry, no. I've got 13, 8, and 15. It came out weird. I got three. And I listed them in a weird order. But I have there 8, 13, and 15.

Oh, that's nice. Yes. We got it. Bartleby, Rebecca, and Scrivener. Are those family names? They will be. All right, we got an iced caramel swirl for Lord Ben. Huzzah!

My coffee. Hits the mom in the face. Accidentally knocks her out. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sorry, my arm is a lot heavier than I thought. She's alright. She's alright. She's alright. Hey, hey. Oh, well, what was that? You're okay, right?

You're okay. Tell everyone you're okay. What just happened? Well, should I call somebody? I don't know. I don't know what just happened even that was dude did you did you were you just hit by that guy i don't think so i i don't i don't know what happened to me well sir it looked like you punched her out no no no i was uh i was there was a someone tried to get her i i protected her actually yeah no yes that's right now i remember there was a robber in here did you get no one else saw the robber oh well good thing we have tapes we can look and see exactly what happened let's all look

at the tapes i'm just gonna grab something from my wallet my wallet for my car. Really fast. Going so slowly to the door. Get to him at home. Shlopping the armor off. Kevin! Kevin, my god! Where have you been? I've been looking after the kids all day. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was at work and I just... I went to Dunkin' and it took a while to get my Dunkin' Why are you so sweaty? The armor, I was wearing my armor again And it got, it was really hard to move it Kevin, are you being Lord Ben again today? Just after work I put it on in the bathroom at work

And I wore it to Dunkin' just for a little I didn't wear it to work again I just wore it to Dunkin' That's fine, but Kevin, I love you and I want you to be happy. And I know that ever since your dad died, you've been going through it and I'm here for you and I love you,

but I just want to let you know that you don't have to wear chain mail to feel like a brave guy. But I want to be your knight in shining armor But I want to be your knight in shiny armor. I want to be your knight. I hear that, but there's also part of me that's confused because you wear it under your clothes. Well, I would look like a freak if I wore it in public on top of my suit.

Is there anything I can do to help, to make you not have to come home Carrying 30 pounds of chain mail on your body You could wear More tulle Like a maiden Or you could wear armor too But I feel like you want to wear the tulle

I don't want to wear either of them. Okay. And I don't want you to be... I know I have a feeling, because I can see it on your coffee, you're calling yourself Lord Ben. It just feels like a big dissociation from your reality, from your life. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it...

I guess maybe I'm pretending a little too hard. Well, maybe you should join like a LARPing community. Like, I think that would be a way for you to live that out. Hmm. I hadn't thought of that. He shows up, but he has the chainmail under his clothes. Everyone else is fully like like, dressed up. Oh, what's going on here?

Well, hello, traveler, and who might you be? I am Court Jester Bartholomew V. Um, this is crazy. Um, hello, sir, I guess. Wow, I guess I'm... I'm Lord Ben. Keeper of the secret knives.

Well, well, Lord Ben, we've never had any kind of knife keeper in our party, but I'm sure we can do with a few here. Lord Ben, why don't you I guess... Hey, everybody, do we have an outfit for this guy? No, I'm...

Oh, no, I'm wearing one. Oh! Oh, well, fantastic! Well, why don't you, uh, is this... So you're kind of like a guy. You're just a guy! Oh, I'm more than just a guy. I'm, uh... Tries to pull the suit off, but can't.

He's too... Too encumbered by the chain. No, I swear I'm wearing armor. It's under the suit. I just can't get the suit off right now. Are you okay? Sorry. I came all the way...

I ran here. My wife... Oh, we have an athlete in our midst. No, no, come on. Come on. I'm but a mirror keeper of the knives. No athlete am I. He's getting so hot.

He doesn't even think. He just gets really naked. Okay, here I am. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. We do not do that. We do not do that here. You gotta go. This is not the place for that. No, dude, dude, dude. We do not do that. We do not do that here. You gotta go.

This is not the place for that. No, but I'm playing along at home. At home? Sorry, I think I'm dehydrated. I mean, I'm playing with you. We don't want it like that. You need to put some clothes on. Or you need to get out of here.

That's not how we do this. Okay, I'll put on my clothes again if you're such a prude. Such a what, man? Didn't know that court jesters were so prudish in these modern times. No, we just don't want anyone... Back in my day, a court jester wouldn't make such a big deal about a man having his dragon piece out. Come back home So how'd it go?

Not great What? What happened? This seems like the perfect place for you They didn't accept me Oh Kevin They said I was too good at it Did they really say that? Yeah they said I was so in character

It made everyone feel like they were too bad at it and they didn't want to play with me. Is that really what they said? Yes, that's happened. You can tell me if that's not true. That didn't happen. I took my clothes off by accident and I got in trouble.

I was so hot in the chain mail and I just took my clothes off by accident and I got in trouble. I was so hot in the chain mail and I just took my clothes off. Kevin, you can't expose yourself to people. I know. I realize that now. To think I was gonna maybe try and make your night even better. Well, how so?

I lift up my skirt a little. Full tool. Secret tool. A secret tool! Hmm. A maiden of- Are you perhaps a maiden of the secret

tool? The order of the secret tool? Cut to her at work earlier that day. she's kind of like shifting in her seat the tool's so uncomfortable under her clothes you all right oh yeah i'm fine just a little uh uncomfortable i'm fine is it freaking brian again what no no making you uncomfortable i know you said no my god no no no I meant like physically I'm just kind of like just a little itchy oh no Brian's fine he's Brian's fine do you have the eczema uh no Tracy I don't have eczema thank you I got

I'm just gonna keep working I'm so sorry pain in the ass I'm so sorry um I'm gonna keep working though yeah you need any lotion i got hella lotion back in my no i don't have any eczema tracy but i really appreciate that and if i do need any lotion yours will be the first desk i come to all right champ hey you buck up now i think your day's gonna go a little bit better oh that's really nice thanks yeah you look good you're like sort of glowing i don't know just you look good i have sparkles all over my face some of you just look you look you look good you look nervous but you look good thank you yeah um we don't have to come in each other's appearance to have a good day

i didn't feel obligated i just wanted to see what i say, what I saw. See something, say something, right? Like the train. Yep. Well, I'm going to go back to work. Knock, knock. Hi, Brian. Who's there, you're supposed to say. Who's there? Just the biggest jokester in the office.

Oh, hey, Brian. Good to see you. You look really good. Oh. No, I didn't mean it like, I just mean you're like, you look really like, you look like you're in a good mood today. Thanks. I guess it's Friday, right? That Friday feeling.

We all got it. Wait, it's Friday? I'm just kidding. Of course I knew that. Can I do anything for you, Brian? Yeah, I was just wondering if you'd finish the report for the McPhee file

it is almost done the Catherine McPhee file is so close to being finished perfect perfecto alright I'll see you later champ great sorry no it doesn't matter if you just close the door that'll be fine yep absolutely yeah you just close the door, that'll be fine. Yep, absolutely.

Yeah, you can close it. Here I go. Closing the door. Yep, close it all the way. We got work to do. Yeah, reverse, reverse. We have work to do. You do look good, though.

Yeah, I would really appreciate you not commenting on my physical appearance. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. You walked away know armor. I guess we're all living secret lives underneath the surface. The masks we wear.

That's a reference to the mask. Jim carries the mask. Let's take a break. Woo! This shook me off. And we're back! I don't care what everybody says. I love that one.

Look, a lot of people have been saying on the Reddit, on the Discord, that that one was bad. And it was weird. And I want to say, fuck the haters. I got another review to read um so these are for uh socks men fun pop culture novelty crew socks the important thing to know about these socks okay it's not in the name they're socks with middle fingers on them

um I don't like that kind of thing somebody flip in the freaking bird so this is from Jacqueline no last name um jacqueline onassis kennedy jacqueline onassis kennedy kennedy onassis uh five stars funny gift for twin brother my husband is an identical twin, and all their lives together, flipping the bird has become somewhat of an endearment, or their form of affection, perfectly harmless and very comical between the two of them. Perfectly harmless! They have made wood carvings, exchanged cards, you name it.

These socks were just the addition to their funny sibling silliness. I am told that he wears them to work. LOL. Perfectly harmless. Wood carvings of a hand, like, flipping the bird. Just, like, flipping the bird. What the hell? How did that even, like, start?

Like, that's what's wild, too. Like, how did that become, like, classic? Or, like, one is the best man at the other's wedding? Flipping the bird the bird like it's just how many places two new parents they're looking at their twin babies in the crib yeah oh oh they're so beautiful we did it we did it we we did the thing we did the thing and boy am i tired but it's worth it i mean look at our little guys what no it's it's nothing it just you look at um

little steve's little steven's hand oh my god oh my god it looks like he's flipping him it kind of looks like he's flipping the bird at his brother Oh my god we have to get a photo That is so funny When they're older we're gonna show them this Let me go grab the camera Are they still doing it? Here you know what I can move the finger

There we go now it's like they're doing it I only moved it because that's what they were doing first They were doing it and we'll know that they were doing it We'll know they were doing it Cut to 10 years later. Okay, boys. It's your 10th birthday. And your dad and I figured that you were old enough for us to share a little something silly that we've been waiting a long time to show you guys.

Okay. Okay. I'm excited to see. but what could it be? Don't hype it up too much, Mom. I hope it's... If it's not that funny, then you're going to be hyping it up for a whole lot of nothing. You're going to look like a real square. All right, Ma, show us a picture.

Oh, no. You guys will love it. Show us the photo of Steven flipping off Robbie. Steven, what the hell? I'm sorry. I was a baby. How was I supposed to know? Oh, come on.

You see, you guys are so funny. That is minutes out of the womb. Minutes, you guys. Hey, hey, hey, Steven. Yeah. No, I'm Rob. Wait, hold on. No, no, you're Rob. Sorry. Even I get confused sometimes. Switch of birth. No, no, no, Steven. Yeah. No, I'm Rob. Wait. Hold on. Oh, no, you're Rob.

Sorry. Even I get confused sometimes. Switch of birth. No, no, no. Steven, Steven, Steven. Hey. Yeah. Yeah, Robbie.

Watch this space. Boom. Flicks him off. Now we're even. Now we're even. Boys, boys. Come on. I showed you that photo because I thought you're 10.

You can handle it. But no, that's not appropriate behavior. We're just getting it back. We're done. No tag backs. I got him. We're one on one it. But no, that's not appropriate behavior. I was just getting it back. We're done. No tag backs. I got him. We're one and one. We're even now. He flipped me off. I flipped him off. Steve, Steve, you cannot do it back. Guys, you're 10. That is not appropriate behavior.

Okay, we do not do that to people. We're good. We're good. You and I, we're even. Yeah. Yeah, we're good. Nice. Boys, that is not okay. We don't do that to people. We were showing you because you were infants. You were minutes old.

You couldn't have possibly known what you were doing, but that is not okay. Robin, say sorry. Robbie, say sorry. I'm sorry. Freaking jag off. Robbie. I'm kidding. I'm busting him.

It's fine. It's not a big deal. Say I'm sorry. Brother Steven, I am sorry. Okay. For flipping the bird. Okay, that's enough. Because you did it first.

They're 16, they're in high school. Well, first day of sophomore year. Can't believe we made it, huh? I hope we find matching twins to take to prom. We've been dreaming about that for years, to take matching twins with us to the prom. Because it would be really funny to see. Okay, boys, I'm going to drop you off here, so you let me know if you need anything, okay? I love you.

Have a great first day. Mom! Mom, let us know if you need anything. Okay. I love you. Have a great first day. Mom. Mom, let us out of the car already. We're ready to go meet some dames and make our mark on this school. Yeah, you see? Come on. It's not a big deal. We're just trying to walk you to school already.

Get out of the car. They're walking up. Hey, hey, brother Twin brother, oh, look at this Flips them off Running into school Hey, hey, hey, oh, I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you

Time to formulate my plan It's the cafeteria later that day They're walking Walking over to their table Robbie drops his whole tray It's the cafeteria later that day. They're walking over to their table. Robbie drops his whole tray on the ground. Puts his middle finger on it. Oh, you got me a one!

Not gonna lie, that was a really good one. That was a really good one. Got your ass! Wait, wait! I don't have time for your games right now. Look, a three o'clock. Got a couple of twins on site. Tick tock, tick tock. He thinks I like what I see o'clock.

Oh my gosh. A couple of fine looking broads. Oh, maybe do you think we should go over and say hello greetings and salutations he thinks you might be right brother let's uh put all the old razzle dazzle a little bit of the charm start getting things moving a little bit sir

flips him off as they start walking over uh see you there last one's a rotten egg and I'll see you there flicks him off they make it over there you there. Last one's a rotten egg. And I'll see you there. Flicks him off. They make it over there. Yeah, and so I was just telling her that it's like if we want it. Hello,

ladies! Enchante! Enchanted! Sweet, sweet summer flowers. Um, hi? What's a couple tall glasses of sarsaparilla like you doing around this watering hole, huh? What, what are you saying?

You sound, you guys talk weird. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my brother flips around. Sorry, my stupid brother. I'm older, by the way. A whole two minutes. Exactly right. My brother does not know how to talk to fine creatures such as yourselves.

We were wondering if you guys have dates for the prom. The prom that's in seven months from now. Hey, early bird gets the worm. You know what I said? Early bird gets the worm. And me and my brother, you know, he was two minutes the worm, you know what I said? Early bird gets the worm. And me and my brother, you know, he was two minutes early, if you know what I mean, and so we're the earliest birdies that ever

gonna worm me. Ah, come on! Thanks, you all. Both hands. Um, uh, yeah. We're gonna, uh, we have homework, right? We have to go do homework. Homework?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, but it's lunch on the first day of school. You couldn't possibly have any homework. And if you do, if you do, he may be the one with,

he may be with a run in his mouth, but I'm the one with the bigger brain. Flip some off. I can, so I can help you with your homework if you like. Oh, come on. I can help you with your homework.

Flip some off. Don't let this jag off ruin your day. Let me help you. A couple smart girls like you need a little help from him. I don't think so. We don't want you guys to talk to us anymore. We don't like you. You're kind of weird.

And I don't like how you keep flipping each other off. I don't like that. I don't like that either. We don't like that. Oh, you like that either. We don't like that. Oh, you win some, you lose some, eh, Robbie? Hey, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Pretty sure Al Capone said that. Alright, well

we're gonna go back to our table. We're really sorry for bothering you. Hey, we're really sorry for bothering you, but again, if you ever need a little taste of us. If you're gonna change your mind. We're, uh, way over there on that table over there. And we also go to the same school. And we'll see you around, maybe.

If you're ever at a party and you have a chips and guac and you feel like taking a double dip. Let us know. All right. All right. Stay classy. Cut to the prom. They don't have any dates. Man, this is all your fault.

Flicks you off. Flicks you off? No, it's all your fault. You all had to go and be weird and say, oh, what are you, sarsaparilla? Then no one knows what the hell that is. You know what it is. But they don't. Flips you off again.

Hey, come on, what I ever do? Flips you off. Teacher comes over. Hey, hey,. Flips you off again. Hey, come on. What'd I ever do? Flips you off. Teacher comes over. Hey, hey, boys, boys. We will not have that kind of language or behavior at a school dance. Do I make myself clear? Yeah, crystal. Now, jag off.

Shit. Brother, I think I might have said that out loud. They're sitting outside the dance. Mom's coming. What happened, boys? Oh, a tale as old as time. Mother, uh, maybe we just sweep this one under the rug, huh? Maybe all of us keep our mouths shut and none of us gets hurt.

Maybe, uh, maybe mom's the word, mom. Slowly starts to flip her off. Yeah. Absolutely not! Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, brother.

In the backseat. Yeah, brother. I think maybe it's time we... Maybe it's time we start hanging out with other people. What are you talking? I think we've gotten a little isolated. Detached from reality a little bit. What do you mean?

Come on, brother. You're my brother. You're my brother, brother. But I'm just saying that you ever notice at school nobody else talks like this. Nobody else acts like this. But this is who we are. This is who we are.

We've been talking like this for our entire lives. What do you say? What do you talk? I have enough of that. Flicks you off. Come on. You know I love you, brother, but... Flicks you off. You know, sometimes... Sometimes I practice... Talking.

What? Sometimes I practice... Talking. Like the other students at school. Flips you off, not stop. Oh my god. Who are you? I don't even know who you are anymore. And sometimes I think

maybe it's time to stop flipping each other off all the time. Maybe we're a little old for that. Bobby, what are you talking about? We were first, we were too young for it. Now we're too old for it. No, we're men.

This is what men do. No. We've been acting like boys. And I'm not proud of the way we behaved with those girls seven months ago. You remember. The last time we talked to girls. And I just think... The last time we talked to anyone who wasn't each other. Or mommy.

Or mommy. I think it's better if we start to see other people. You're going to regret this this I don't think so I think I'll be 20 years later they haven't spoken they run into each other like a crowded coffee shop uh I'll take a flat white uh if you can make that happen. Whoa.

Bumps into. Whoa. Jesus Christ. What the. Robbie. Stevie. Sorry. Steven.

Robbie. It's you. It's you. Robbie. Robbie. Robert. Good to's you. It's you. Robbie. Robbie. Robert. Good to see you. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too. Reaches out his hand to shake your hand, but it's a middle finger. We both just flip each other off. So how you have... How you been? How you have you been? How you been? I've been... I've been really good.

Is that a wedding band I see on your hand? Yeah. Number three, they never seem to stick. That's why invite months got lost in the mail. Eh, well, maybe if you'd ever reached out, maybe if you'd been there at Mom's funeral, I might have sent you one.

Maybe my invite from Mom's funeral also got lost in the mail. Eh, that'd be convenient, wouldn't it, eh? Flips you off. Freaking jag off. Jag off!

Jag off! I start kissing. Hey! What the fuck? Ooh, very normal scenes. Maybe even three. You'll never know. Third time's a charm.

You'll never know. Why don't you read that review? Why don't you read that review that you've been talking up so much? Okay. Okay. This is for the Sox. This is for the socks. This is for, it says, if you can read this funny socks novelty gift for men, women, and teens. The three genders.

The three genders. So these ones, so there's a bunch. It can be like, if you see this, if you can read this, bring me tacos. If you can see this, bring me wine. This one is, if you can see this, bring me bacon. Hell yeah. Four stars. There's can see this, bring me wine. This one is, if you can see this, bring me bacon. Hell yeah. Four stars. There's only initials.

D.N. Do not disturb. Do not disturb. Four stars. The title is Great Gift. Decent quality. Makes a great gift for the father-in-law. It's that thing where it's like, you're a man.

You'll love these bacon socks be loving my the red meat you're a dad right dad's love dad what the fuck you talking about dad's love red meat they're always eating it i've seen i every dad i've ever met ate red meat throwing a couple broths on the fire yeah yeah my daughter just went vegetarian so i got a couple veggie ones on there for her too that's nice of you that's nice of you you know a lot of these dads you know i think they take uh i take this kind of hyper masculine thing too far you know the like oh meat eating is somehow like a masculine thing and like eating you know vegetables is for for girl i think it's ridiculous frankly eating vegetables are for girls you know you know these dads who are like oh i could never

be vegetarian i love meat oh yeah that's crazy that's crazy but you know it's like i love i love my kids can i just can i uh i know we're not super close i know know my missus, your missus, their buds. And I know we've not, you know, Brian, we've not really gotten too much of a chance to hang out together. But can I share something with you? Of course, man. We're everything sacred around the grill. You know that? Yeah.

Yeah. Clinks. Cheers to beers. My son-in-law, Christopher, great guy. Yeah. Love him dearly. He was at the, he was at that, oh, what was that? The field day thing you have at the fundraiser?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He got me a gift for my birthday that he presented to me. He said, oh, this is so you. This is so Nathan. And I was like, I was excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except it wasn't Nathan.

What was it? It was a pair of socks, which is fine. I love socks. Can't get enough of this stuff. I'm always saying, everybody wears socks. Very good gift. Neutral. And it just said, if you can see this, bring me golf.

And it's just like, yeah, I'm a dad, but I'm more than a dad. I don't even play golf. Right. I was going to say, I didn't think you play. Because I play, and I don't think I've ever seen you. No, I never have. So I guess it's just like, I just wanted to vent to another dad that it's like, you know, yeah, I have kids, but it's like, I'm still me. I'm still Nathan.

I still have my own life and interest. And it's like, I'm not just a grill master. You know, I'm not just a golfer. I don't even play golf. So I just, I don't know. Do you feel that sometimes? No, go off, Kate. That people just kind of put you in a box?

Yeah, no. I mean, I love my wife. Of course. I love my wife. Carol's the best. Oh, I'm nothing without her. I swear to God. When she found me-

I know that. She turned my life around. I was a lost soul before I met her. But, you know, every year on my birthday, Christmas, she gets me this stuff. Right. And it's always like best dad ever. You know, I got a mug or something. Yeah. Or intention.

Very nice. Yeah. Or like a shirt that says, like, oh, I'd rather be fishing with my son or something like that and you don't have a son and i don't have i only got girls you guys only have daughters but it's like the thought i guess she like thinks i'm a dad i don't know it's like i don't know i just like what if you got me a mug that was like i really like fishing by myself. You know?

Or like. Yeah. Or like sometimes. Sometimes I like to go out without my wedding ring on. You know? Something like that. No, I'm just saying. Like, it would be nice to get a gift, you know, that was like.

Some variety, I guess what you're saying. It could be anything. Just like what you were saying. It could be anything. It was exactly what you, I say the exact same thing as you. Yeah. Like, I would, I would never go out, like, on the town without my wedding ring. But it's like, I guess I would like socks.

I would be like, if you say, if you, if you can see this. Right. Bring me, bring me a plate of falafel light on tahini. Because that's one of my favorite foods. Yes. And no one knows that about me. That's a thoughtful gift. No one's really cared to ask.

No, and that's the thing. It's like your daughter's a vegetarian. You're taking all this time to look out for her. Yes. And it's like, where is she taking time to learn what you like? Maybe you don't want to be grilling meat at all. Maybe you'd rather be grilling falafel. Exactly.

But no one asks. Or if you see this, bring me a hug. Because you know what? I'm a guy who likes a hug. Oh, I hear you. I'm just spitballing. I'm just spitballing.

Hopefully someone hears it. You know what you could get me? Yeah. You know what you could get me? Oh, tell me. Is you could get me like a pair of socks that says,

hey, if you can read this, tell me to put my ring back on you know tell me i'm making a huge mistake if you can read this that's what i could use i don't mean to pry what and your marriage is not my business i heard heard that. Yeah, but I also just don't want to ignore what I'm hearing in terms of kind of what you're throwing down. Sure. Are you...

Do you have, like, affairs? No. No. I'm just saying, like, you know, sometimes you're changing the oil on the car and get a lot of oil on your hands and you're washing them and you're like i'll just take the ring off so i can well sure yeah so i can wash my hands better and then you know you dry them off and you think you know you just maybe you just maybe the first time you just forget to put it back on you know

and you're going out for beers with the boys later and you're not wearing it and the lady comes up to you and buys you a drink and it you know feels nice that attention it feels nice of course hey we're only human you haven't felt that way in a long time and like I say it was an accident you didn't mean to not be wearing the rings because the oil

oil change and then you know she buys you another another and you go home and you put the ring on and you know no harm no foul you remember in the car you got the ring and you know so she was buying you the rounds

yeah and then maybe you buy her a couple too you know it's only right so you know it's just like you know then maybe maybe a few months later you get into a fight and you're feeling down and you you take it off on purpose that time you don't you don't ever do anything with the women you just talk to them and you buy them drinks and it's just nice to feel wanted put put that on a shirt right put all that on a shirt i bet yeah yeah but that but that whole story um just give me me a second I need to make a call

yeah I'll take care of the brats they look like they're getting a little burned on the bottom I'll flip them for you call my wife hey yeah what's up hey um I love you I love you too I just want to say that I love you.

I love you too. I just want to say that. I love you and I am so proud to be your husband. Thank you. And you are the light of my life. I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh, sweetheart. I'm just grateful for you. And I'm a sap.

Yeah, I'm such a sap. But there are days like today that I just want to let you know, I'd never take my wedding ring off at a bar and buy women drinks. What? I'd never do that. I'm calling to let you know that I would never do that because I love you. And I'm so grateful for you and for our family. And I'd also, I'd never take it off on purpose and keep doing that.

I'd never go out somewhere and have other people buy me drinks that I could tell were. Who told you? What? Who told you? Told me what? Oh, yeah, yeah. Plain and coy. Sure. You don't know that I've been cheating?

Is that what you're going to pretend now after all that? Marie, are you kidding me? Marie, are you? Is this real? Is this real? So what? Is that what you're going to pretend now after all that? Marie, are you kidding me? Marie, is this real? So what? Is this real right now? You're working late. I take my ring off.

I let men buy me drinks. It's not a big deal, okay? Maybe it happens more than once. Marie, just tell me right now. Is this real or not? Is this real life? Is this my real life that's happening? No. Oh, my God.

No, I'm just joking around. My God. It was just a big joke. I can't believe this. I cannot believe this. How long has this been going on? Does it matter? It does.

It does to me. Because I want to know when my life started becoming a lie, when my wife started becoming a lie when my wife started becoming a lie sweetheart tell me i love you tell me do i always have and i always will no i'm not lying i mean that i just want you to know before all misery. I want you to know that I do love you. Marie, I am going to smash the phone in my own hands. Tell me now. It was three years ago. Oh, my God.

When you went to that conference in Orlando. Three years, Marie, Christ. We had just gotten in that fight. We could have had therapy. And the kids were away. We could have had a conversation. A sleep away camp. I tried.

I tried with you For months I was begging you to go back to couple therapy With me and you said you thought we didn't need it You said you thought we were fine And all we needed was this I thought we were fine I guess I was very wrong Well if you knew how to listen

Maybe this wouldn't have happened I'm sorry Oh so you're blaming me I'm saying it I'm sorry. I don't want to... Oh, so you're blaming me? No, I'm not. Oh, so you're blaming me? I'm saying it takes two to tango. Maybe you never cheated, alright? Maybe you never stepped out.

Maybe you never stepped out, but that doesn't mean you were there. Hey, Marie. What? If you can hear this, bring me my wife back hangs up sitting on a park bench

just like I walk over with a plate full of brats burnt as hell crispy brats man sorry they got a little burned I couldn't help but overhear you guys were yelling on the phone pretty loud. I couldn't hear what she said, but I heard what...

I'm sorry. My life's over. No. My wife is over. No. What do you mean, no? Look at me, man. You don't even know.

You said you heard us yelling, but you didn't know what we were saying. Look at me, man. You don't even know. You said you heard us yelling, but you didn't know what we were saying. Look at me, man. What? If you choose life, today could be the first day. I'm not going anywhere. I just, my wife's been cheating on me for three years. Oh, jeez. That's not what I thought you guys were talking about at all.

What did you think we were saying? I thought maybe you, like, maybe you, like, left the bat, like, a tap on and she was, like, yelling at you about that or something. I was way off. Huh. Cheating, huh? Well, funny enough. Not funny, I guess. kind of a dark sense of humor something that my son-in-law doesn't know because he only gets me golf stuff if you can see this

if you can see this let's let's watch rick and morty that's what exactly i was gonna say is that she's actually been doing the same thing that you've alluded to taking your ring off, having people buy you drinks, flirting, emotionally, abandoning, abandoning your partner for three years. And I'm none the wiser. If you can read this, the egg's on my face. If you can read this, I'm one sorry motherfucker. If you can read this, my heart is in two. If you can read this, I'm there for you. Whatever you need. If you can read this, I'm at a loss.

And I don't know if the pieces of my life will ever be picked up in the same way again. They might be put back together, but it'll look like a Picasso painting of what was once a hyper-realistic oil portrait of a happy family. You can read this. That was deep. And if you can read this, I think you're going to be okay. I really do. If you can read this.

If you can read this. If you can read this. Do you think there's light at the end of the tunnel? Do you think the dawn always comes after the darkness? Is there an end to the storm? If you can read this. My friend. My friend. If you can read this, my friend.

It's always darkest before the sunrise. Just when you think there's no hope left, that's when you tap into something new. If you can read this, my friend, my brother, dare I say, I think you're going to find a new wife. A new life. A new... Everything. If you can read this, will you be there for me every step of the way, even in moments when I can't handle it myself.

If you can read this, will you help me shoulder this load? If you can read this, I won't just shoulder that load. When it gets too tough, my king, I'll carry it for you.

If you can read this, thank you. And if you can read this, it's gonna be you and me for the rest of our lives. Come hell or high water, thick or thin, it is going to be you and me for the rest of our lives. Come hell or high water, thick or thin, it is going to be you and me and nothing else will ever come between that because I have found something in you that I have been searching and searching and searching for my entire life and I'm only finding now

on this park bench and this sunny day in you. If you can read this. If you can read this. I think. I think I can see myself falling in love with you. Hey, you can read this i know this sounds crazy but doesn't you marry me yes if you can read this yes i will marry you if you can read this by the powers vested in me by the state of California I now pronounce us married.

The camera zooms out. It was a wedding all along. Those were the longest fucking vows I've ever seen at a wedding. That was so moving, but God, I need to pee. Do you want to do our last segment?

Let's do it. This shook me all week long. Here, I'm going to do it like Bernadette Peters. Okay. This shook me all week long. Okay, now I'm going to do it like Peter Griffin. Holy freaking crap. This shook me all week long. That was rough. Holy frickin' crap. This should be done.

We can learn. That was rough. That was rough, man. That was rough. I'll tell you what's been shaking me. Yeah, I'll go first because you've been going first. And so I'll go first today. I fell.

What? I took a spill. You had a fall. I had a fall. I was playing squash. Oh, a fall. I had a fall. I was playing squash. Oh, that's right. I know this. And I grazed my knee pretty bad.

Started bleeding. Still. Still hurts? Kind of hurts. Sucks. Played squash again last night, though. With the boys? With the freaking boys.

I'm getting a little better. Oh. Every day, I get back in touch with my squash instincts. If you can see this, I'm getting a little better every day I get back in touch with my squash instincts if you can read this I think I love squash no but I do love it and I feel great it feels fun to be doing and the sun is coming out

here in Chicago Illinois it's getting warmer every day. And, you know, I'm just in a good mood, man. I don't know. Love that. Something about this episode, man, just put me in a good fucking mood, eh? It's because you were a sleepy little grumpy ass baby. I was.

And then you had a little laugh. I don't know if I was all that. And now you're happy again. I did. And you know what? At the end of the day, and people, you can say what you want. You can disparage me on the Reddit for this. I just like to laugh with my friend.

I guess what's shaking me is that laughter is medicine. Is that crazy to say? I don't believe in medicine. Okay. I only laugh. I only believe in laughter. And water. Yeah.

I guess what's shaking me come on seriously no i mine's gonna be so emo i guess what's shaking me is that it's like we were we've literally been we recorded another episode this morning we've been on the phone between and before episodes true and we've recorded this and what's shaking me is that if you can read this i love you and that we can talk for hours about nothing and still have hours of nothing to talk about in a great way and if you can read this i'm leaving the podcast shut the fuck up no this is a blast and i'm sorry to say that much like if i were you stop it i hate this i hate this no that's not happening i can't go through that again i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding i love the podcast i love you it'll never end and we'll never die if you can read this i love that if i if you can read this is just is is 2023 snow homo if you can read this

I love you if you can read this I think I'm in love with you if you can read this I freaking love you man if you can read this oh here sorry what and what's

a different way because he's gonna be like no but what's really shaking you is my curtain bangs I got them shortened oh for fuck's sake they're kind of fire

because I've been learning how to style them better and I'm feeling very confident and I feel very pretty. And witty and bright. And if you can read this. And I hope one day you shave your head.

So that I can stop talking about my crazy bangs. So you can shut the hell up about these bangs. Well, you can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInnit. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit r slash ReviewReview. And Discord, ReviewReview. Head gum Discord. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com.

Just your web browser. Chrome, Brabing, Safari, Internet Explorer. Not your phone, you fucking idiots. And at RileyHandspa. And on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts at riley guy who knows at the time of this recording i wonder if by june it's like maybe i should just prophylactically just like stop you know just like in advance just stop oh when this comes out i'll be 27 that's cool oh stop lying, you don't need to lie by your age anymore. You're 29 and everybody knows that. I was convinced I'm 29.

We say this every single week, so you guys are probably sick of hearing it, but we can't bear it. We can't help but repeat. If you can read this. Okay. read this flip the bird if you can read this flip the bird

we'll see you guys next time thanks for listening bye Thanks for listening. Bye. Jeff's been retired and they tell me a new host is coming in. Act skills are fire, even I know that. Make room for him, is it sink or swim? Are we happy in his hands listeners may be hard to hold on to blank stares

at blank pages no easy way to say this you mean well but we'll make this hard on you I'm not gonna write out the theme song Cause he asked for it, cause he needs one

You see, I'm not gonna write out the theme song Cause you tell me it's what's been shaking him New guy's on his way, so, still not gonna write you to say cause all I thought was Peter Griffin need another Mr. Babe, I refute you begging pleases, guess that's all I really needed to write

you a theme song today today Today That was a Hiddem Original.