Review Revue - Petting Zoos

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

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This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Make me wanna go out and steal. I just wanna rip. I forgot what our theme song was

I was about to sing This shook me all week long I did that last week I think I almost did this shook me all week long But you know what you didn't Well it's cause we can't listen I don't know if we mentioned this but we can't listen to the to the music because there's no way to do it when you're remote yeah when you're when you're remote control oh that's really good yeah that's

like that's one i'm working on it's just kind of bad so i say it so what have you been working on you have all this time like what do you well yeah i have this one joke that i'm working on uh and it's it's like well usually you know there's a setup and it would it would be jeff being like that's what it is when you're remote who's jeff be like oh that's what that's oh jeff is my buddy and we podcast together and so we have this show and so yeah and so he would say oh it doesn't work when it's remote and i would say yeah yeah it doesn't work when you're a remote controller so that's kind of like what i've been workshopping a little bit and i'll say that to the mirror before bed we don't want to work

with you was it the yeah was it jeff jeff doesn't have no no it's not we actually were gonna hire jeff you asked who he was i know but just you know it's we hated what you just had to say so much that we're just gonna hire your friend it's. That's why it doesn't work when you're a remote controller. Did it work the second time? They crack up. Wait, that's really good. Well, we're here. I'm in a closet again.

I'm not drinking this time, but it's still fun. Yeah, it's only 430, so it seems like not a good time to drink. Seems like not a good time to drink. Seems like not a good time to drink. It is 4.30 on a Friday. It's already May. It's May 1st. Nice. It's already May.

Nice. So, here we are. I loved all the memes yesterday about the it's gonna be and then like just a full sentence. Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be even worse than last month. So Jeff, how is May for you so far? It's been fine.

I went for a drive with my sister today. That was fun. That's it. That's all I've done in May because I woke up late on the day. Nice. On the May. On the May. I told my

friend I said hey can you call me at 9 a.m. and she was like I probably won't and I was like okay well maybe you will but you won't and then she didn't and I woke up I kept snoozing my alarms I was so groggy this morning I was too wait did you did you ask your friend to call you at 9 to wake you up as oh yeah it's like a wake-up yeah. Why? Well, because then it feels like I'm at a hotel. Like, basically, what I'll do is I'll order room service, a.k.a. caviar, right? Postmates, Grubhub, what have you. I'll wear just a robe and nothing else.

And I'll open the minibar, which is just my fridge. And I'll order a movie, which is on Apple TV. There's no difference between a hotel and my apartment if I act like it. Well, you don't get, like, you don't get turndown service. You don't get someone cleaning up your room after you. You are paying for the experience either way. Right, right, right. That's great.

What a great May so far. Yeah, yeah. Just I've driven and I've woke up. What about you? I got eggs from the butcher shop down the street, which was great. What a great May so far. Yeah, yeah. I've driven and I've woke up. What about you? I got eggs from the butcher shop down the street, which was great. Came home. I worked out. I'm on day eight of the tight box, loose jaw.

Loose jaw? Shaved head. That's not a workout. Loose jaw, moose jaw. Deer in the headlights. Thighs. Thighlights. Spindly eyelashes that wrap all the way down to your chin as if you're crying hair.

Three minutes. This is all just, you can either listen to a song or you can do whatever this weird mutation is. Slimy webbed fingernails in an hour. With a six pack. Yeah. So I guess it's like, am I snatched now? I don't know. It's like eight days and two days off.

So really. Six days. Six. Yeah. If you want to look snatched, and this is something that I found out recently, just don't eat, don't sleep, and sort of let the day take you where it will. So then you'll look like body snatch.

It'll look like some other being has possessed you. They're here. And he's pointing to his jawbones Cutting out of your skin So yeah my This may is fine Oh that's really good Keep going with it

This may is fine And I don't know Maybe I will Maybe I don't know. Oh, my God. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Oh, she may be weary. Young girls, they do get weary. wearing that same saggy dress

but when she's weary try a little Tiredness New theme song I think Well cause we were gonna I mean we still should do this but If we don't I'll just put it here for posterity

We were gonna do a head gum sketch Where it was like a talent show At night in the office And like everybody has a different like talent or hobby. And then Marty's was going to be that. He comes in dressed like a lounge singer and then tries to earnestly sing like the standards. And it's just fucking horrible,

but not bad enough that it's like, Oh, he is singing. Yeah. Like, yeah. Um, I think we could do,

we could do like a zoom concert. Like we can play with it and still do it I would love to really do it though Like when we can Yeah I know me too So May May makes me think of being outside Being in nature

Okay Petting a goat What's that? Petting a goat, feeding a chicken Do you do that in the spring? What are you talking about? Eating an ice cream. One ice cream? Putting a guinea pig on my head and taking a picture.

That's right. We're talking petting zoos today. That's not... Holding hands with a dog. You mean like giving paw? Cat how to do my tax return. They won't be able to help you. Letting an ostrich drive my car for the afternoon. Did they ever bring it back?

They said they'll bring it back in a couple more days. Yeah. But how long has it been though? It's been two. Two days? Two weeks? Weeks. They're not going to bring it back.

Obviously. You gave your Volvo to a bird. I'm scared it crashed yeah it did that's why it's not back and then the bird's trying to bide time the bird's trying to come up with an excuse he's trying to like do the thing wait do you remember that broad city episode where uh abby like uh fucks that guy in the ass and then she breaks his dildo and she has to like go buy him a new one but then he notices no okay maybe that was a dream i had so it's that it's that so the so the ostrich is gonna try and buy you like the same car and it will be the same model but you're

like this isn't rosy um my mom when she was little she had um a fish that kept dying. I'm forgetting its name. But every time it died, unbeknownst to her, her dad would go out and just buy the same fish, like, same goldfish. And so she thought this fish lived forever. And then one day, like, she saw a version of it dead. And she was like, oh, no, it died. And it's been alive for so long i can't believe this

fish is five years old and her dad had to probably be like so you had marvin and then you had different fish that you called marvin three times over and i'm so sorry. So today we're talking about petting zoos. On the day. And Jeff suggested this topic. Yeah, this actually came in from a suggestion from the audience when we were on. It was when we were on, we did

our live stream weeks ago or months ago actually. And this, somebody, I'm gonna just I'm looking it up right now. Bear with daddy. No, I am really sad. or months ago actually and this somebody I'm gonna just I'm looking it up right now bear with bear with daddy no I am really sad hang on no one asked

no I know it's just like fuck you know what I mean it's just it was right here I get it it's May it is May Jesus Christ it's May and we've been inside for a month Instagram username dull sea dull dot sea, like the ocean, reminded us of this saying, hey, on the live stream, you mentioned petting zoos.

I think you should totally do that. So here we are or here we aren't. I'll see you. OK, so Jeff's gone. Jeff literally just ended the FaceTime and I guess I'm doing the show on my own. So my memory of petting zoos. I think when I was little, I loved the oh, my God, he's really not coming back. So I guess I'm not going to call him back. And I'm going to wait for him to call me. And we're all going to wait together. So while I tell you about my memories, I used to love a I used to love a little kind of like horse riding action, a little pony ride, which now looking back, those are the most depressing things in the world to me. Oh, he's calling back.

Here we go, everyone. I realized after a few beats that you weren't going to call. Silence. Yeah, what I was saying to everyone is that I remember being little and loving the pony rides at a petting zoo and looking back now pony and even like just seeing them now pony like petting zoos are so make me so sad and like it was hard for me to find a review that made me laugh because so many that i found were just like tiger king levels of abuse and neglect.

And it made me so upset. Yeah, I didn't see any of that. Well, all mine were just about horrible business practices from a customer service standpoint. I see. So should I lead us off? Yeah, well, Jeff, what do you remember about petting? Did you go to any of the kids? I don't think I've ever been to a petting zoo.

Really? I don't think so. Oh, you know what? I went to one last fall by accident. I went to go get a pumpkin to carve a jack-o'-lantern because I love Halloween. And there was a petting zoo attached to it, but it was like $20 to even look at the bish Wait, was that the one in Sherman Oaks? Yeah. I went to

that same one. They had a ton of Grateful Dead decals on the walls and they were only playing Grateful Dead music so I was having a blast without the zoo. Nice. Well, will you kick us off? Yes, so this is a one star review from two years ago from Sabrina L. Come on, let's fucking get this L out there. Come on, this L, this L,

oh, this L? This L is for legumes. Her last name is a nickname for beans? Yup.

A cutesy little nickname for a pinto. Legume. Fuck, this fuck this is insane like now the review doesn't matter but sabrina legumes writes one star it's about crickets mobile petting zoo in uh kenesaw georgia kenesaw georgia it's outside of atlanta one star first i have to say how disappointed i am that i even called them i was trying to arrange a petting zoo for the memorial service for my sister because she loved One star. First, I have to say how disappointed I am that I even called them. I was trying to arrange a petting zoo for the memorial service for my sister because she loved animals. Oh my god. I asked for one of two dates, and they told me that the only time that would work would be 4 p.m. I responded to their email just under an hour later and asked to confirm.

And they said that that spot was gone and couldn't come till 5.30. I mean, I reluctantly booked. But when the date approached, I realized that we would be on daylight savings and it would be dark. I called and they didn't even remember the time change and said they had no lights. Very disappointed. Just three days before the memorial

had to cancel the whole event. Imagine petting a llama in the dark while remembering a loved one. Imagine stroking a doe while you're in mourning. Grief masked by a hippopotamus in your yard. You've never been to a petting zoo. They respond. Oh, they responded?

This is what gets me. Hi, Sabrina. You sincerely have our utmost condolences regarding your sister and your family. We can only imagine the difficulty in moving forward, and for that, we are very, very sorry. With that said, regarding the petting zoo, I unfortunately don't see, sincerely, how any of this is our fault. I mean, slots are booked on a first-come, first-served basis upon concrete confirmation via the person booking, and any question or decision still lingering, unfortunately, doesn't reserve a slot. Also, regarding the daylight savings, yeah, we forgot.

But again, something we can't be faulted for. I do apologize for anything we've done for you to warrant how disappointed I am that I even called them. And a one-star review on something that was out of our control. With all this said, we wish you and your family the best and again our sincerest condolences people are fucking insane sorry this literally feels like good morning it's like showing up being like hey I'm really

sorry for your loss by being said could you delete the review yeah they do go to the eventual service how did you know the how did you know the deceased were you did you work with him oh um almost i was so close actually uh well not the deceased i i almost uh almost worked with the deceased's sister um but things kind of fell apart so that's actually why i'm what have you seen her around sabrina we've seen sabrina yeah yeah sabrina hey who are you hey um i'm from crickets mobile petting zoo you absolute fucker you piece of shit laura no i'm trying to humanize

i'm laura i have a family i'm laura i have fine fine fine fine what why are you here i am so deeply deeply sorry for your loss. And if there's anything that we at Cricket's Mobile Petting Zoo can do to help, I just want to offer our condolences. And, you know, we can give you a discounted rate if you want. We can bring over some rabbits. We can bring over some little baby goats. We can bring over, you know, maybe a llama if we have one available well i appreciate it i mean that this is kind of bizarre that you came here but it's very nice and

i to be honest i was kind of upset with you like you know we had to cancel three days before and it was just like i know but but for you to come here you left yeah well yeah i mean you know kind of how can you blame me but it's you know it's kind of your guys anyway we don to talk about it, but the fact that you came here and this piece offering, it means a lot. Totally. I think we're all good here, right? No, we are so good, and you know what? It's like, just because it's all water under the bridge, you know what? You can delete that review.

You can just delete it. I mean, it's like we're all good. It's, you know, it's like you can't blame us for what happened, and delete it i mean it's like we're all good it's you know it's like you can't blame us for what happened and so it's you know we're all we're all grieving this loss and um i think it's in everyone's but you know let's just delete it and then we'll bring the rabbits over uh sometime tomorrow whatever works best for you i mean we do book on a first come first serve so if you want to book the rabbits for tomorrow you might want to um i can confirm that right now you came to my sister's funeral to get me to delete a review and then also try and book a slot this was what we needed it for and you couldn't make it happen i mean the sun's starting to set pretty early that was the issue well we didn't know that but i mean

looking here now how i mean aren't you glad that glad that we didn't bring the alpacas here? No, my sister loved alpacas. She loved llamas. She loved goats. She liked anything with fucking shearing involved, all right? And pardon my language, but you guys aren't very good. I think it's like it was so out of both of our control what happened. No, it was completely in both of our control.

I did my part. You guys didn't even show up. Well, because the slot wasn't booked. And so we took the alpacas elsewhere because we didn't get a confirmation from you. And then all of us forgot about daylight savings. We all did. How many people work in your office? No, I'm saying you and I both.

All of us. We all did. You know what? No, I can forgive. I'm sorry to raise my voice, everybody. I can forgive the first come, first serve basis. I understand that. That makes sense to me.

What doesn't make sense to me is that you, I didn't give you the information on where to go or what time it was. You figured this out when this memorial is and then you came. This is my best friend in the entire world, my sister, my entire life you came here to help your stupid mobile zoo you're ugly by the way come on yeah would it help if i if i ran back if i ran back ran back to the to the zoo and brought some stuff right now?

Yeah. You know what? For a small fee. What? It's about like I mean things at a Get out of here. Obviously get out of here. I'll go.

I'm going to bug you to hold her back. Also, imagine like showing up to a friend's house and you just see them in the yard in a pen.

Hey, man. are you you said that you made it to the kickback of the century yeah you said you were just having some people over having some beers i did you see that there's like weird animals in your lawn weird animals talking yeah they're fucking weird. They get weird. They're down to get weird with us. We're not going to. No, we're not going to do that. We're going to pet them.

I got to pet. Come on. Come on in. Just got to hop over the little fence. Jesus Christ, yeah. And take a seat here in the hay. Hey, man, this like has got to be kind of expensive, right? What's this for?

Like you're in a really good mood. I just don't understand. It's just like, can I do something for my frat brothers without it being like, oh, like Dave is doing something, you know? It's just like, it's a Wednesday. Yeah, exactly. It's a Wednesday. Yeah. And you always kind of want something from us.

So like that's kind of why everybody's usually pretty skeptical. Here, come on. Settle down. Sit in the hay. Here's a baby goat. All right. Take your mind off things for a little bit. That is really cute.

This is really awesome. It is really cute. Oh, little fucker's biting your shirt. Oh, he is, yeah. How sweet. It's so cute. Hey, look at this little piglet. Go on.

There you go. Oh, my God. I've never seen a baby pig. It's so cute. Isn't he the cutest little oinker? It's like a little puppy. Yeah. He is a little oinking little puppy.

Yeah. Did I mention we have an ostrich? What? Dude. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Holy shit. I got to walk. I can see him in the pond over there.

Dude, honestly, look, I got to be honest with you, man. This is like, I was having a kind of shit month, and this has kind of turned things around for me. Yeah. I can't thank you enough. Yeah. Of course. And what'll make it even better

is like, can I spend the holidays with your family? Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, just two of us and a bunch of beers plus Laura's pie, but not that kind.

I'm talking apple on the day. And then, you know, we'll talk. And, oh, here, can you give the pig back? And I here can you give the pig back and i'm gonna give the pig back again look at the piggy if you had just asked straight up just called me and said hey man i'm really not looking forward to the holidays for this reason. Could I maybe spend, I don't know, Thanksgiving with you? I would have said 100% yes. But you spent, what is this, must have been $2,000 on a mobile petting zoo.

It was exactly, yeah. To get me, you tried to manipulate me. Well, not manipulate, it's just like, how could I make this an easier conversation for me for you to agree to? That's manipulation. So I thought sheep. And it's like, you know, it's not just Thanksgiving. I know. It's all three.

That's like across two months. Can I ask you something? I don't mean this to be, I mean it to be rude, but not that rude. Your family's still alive, right? It's just that they don't want they just don't want to spend time with you well you know we don't yeah no they they uh it wasn't so much they don't want to spend time with me more of like um you know maybe don't come home this year right so a polite way of saying they don't want to spend time with you i feel bad for you i'll give you that

But maybe this is why This instinct in you to like Bend reality to your choosing by Giving someone what they want And then begging for a favor, you do that all the time Well I mean it's like they said Please don't come home, you're spending too much Of our money

We're cutting you off Right, but what are you spending your money on? Things to get people to do favors for you, right? Do you want to hold the... There's some hamsters in... That's... No. In the foyer. I don't want to...

The foyer? Yeah, there was too many to put in the pen. How many hamsters do you have? They're not mine. They're crickets. I know, but how many did you rent? There's too many to... I rented about like a baker's dozen.

13? It's that plus like 50. Just say 53. Just say 63. Why do you have to be so cryptic about shit? I got nervous, man. You can't come to Thanksgiving. You can't come to Christmas.

You can't come to New Year's. Obviously. Well, then what am I supposed to do? No, come on. It'll be so... I obviously can't take the animals, but I can get you some nice speakers. I don't know. Fuck. I'm at a loss. This is exactly like the time that you bought me a trampoline

the day before your birthday. And then you got mad at me for not giving it to you on your birthday. Like, how got mad at me for not giving it to you on your birthday. Like, how the fuck was I supposed to know? You buy things for people and then you expect favors. You construct realities in your mind and then when they don't come true, you're mad, you hold it against people.

So I can't go to Thanksgiving then? I've already said that. So get out of the pen. Yeah, I will. Put the goat down, put the pig down. I don't want the goat. I didn't need this from you. You asked me to come over to have some beers. That's out of the pen. Yeah, I will. Put the goat down. Put the pig down. I don't want the goat. I didn't need this from you. You asked me to come over to have some beers. That's all I was expecting. Just get out of the pen.

I'm out of the pen. I'm out, alright? See, now you're mad. Now you're vindictive. Now I'm not going to hear from you for two months. I'm sitting just on a barrel of hay, holding three pigs. We should take a break. But before that, we'd like to check in with Marty just for a second.

Guys, this is where things get serious. Um, Marty Michael is the, one of the co-founders of head gum and head of ads, the head of the business side of things. And, um,

sometimes we just feel like we should check in on him. Cause he's kind of like, he's, you know, he's buying his lonesome. He doesn't have a lot of, he doesn't have a good support system. You know what I mean?

Right. His therapist thought he was boring., he doesn't have a good support system. You know what I mean? Right. His therapist thought he was boring so she dropped him as a client. Yeah. It's like not even, not even a good support system during, let alone this time, but like also just throughout his life generally.

Yeah. Pandemic, like his life was already a pandemic before Corona hit. And so basically we want to check in and be like, hey, Marty,

we just want to make sure that everything is good in terms of ads for our show. Yeah. I mean, like, what happened, Marty? Marty, it was like Manscaped did a trial ad run and we haven't even been paid for it yet. What happened, Marty? Marty, it's like podcasting should be booming right now as a business since everyone's home with nothing to do and we've only had one ad so far. What happened, Marty?

Marty, you were working from home already. Why are you sad now, Marty? What happened there? Dee doesn't let you take her on walks because she feels like your heart isn't in it. What happened, Marty? Dee polices how many times in a week you can masturbate. And she told me that. What the hell happened there, Marty?

Dee said that you've been on dating apps so much that you made your own, and you're the only guy allowed on the app. What happened, Marty? She said it was called mumble. What's that? What was that, Marty? What was that, Marty? Marty, there's being a couch potato,

and then there's being a slouchy tomato. And after you run, and you're sitting on the couch sweaty and hot, you kind of look like a sun-dried. What is that, Marty? What happened? Marty, Dee said that you're so dehydrated that you haven't peed clear in a month. What happened, Marty? Marty, you can get a Brita filter. You don't have to just drink the tap

and get upset about it. But I think you just want something to complain about. What was that, Marty? So, thank you guys for letting us... And feel free to reach out. He's kidmarty on Instagram and Twitter. DM him. Just make sure that he's doing okay

and that he's giving us ads. Mostly the second thing. It's the most important thing, and this cannot get lost in this. I want to make sure that he's doing alright in terms of calling companies and pitching our show. Yeah. So. So.

We'll be right back after none of these messages. Marty. Marty and we're back that was a short break Marty yeah usually you have something to skip but on our show you don't have anything to skip which is good for the audience

but bad for me because guess what I can't afford to roll it here's something that I hope you don't skip here we go this review is for Animal Adventures in Boston, Massachusetts. Nice.

Woo! Nice. This is from David C. And we know what the C stands for. Cockney. David Cockney. Right. Four stars on December 8th, 2018.

This animal shelter was a hoot. Yeah, still using that joke. I love meeting the animals here and learning how they came to live here in this shelter. The trainer was super awesome too and demonstrated how to handle each animal before letting us try. My favorite part was watching him go into the gator cage after one of the yelpers fed the tongs to the gator. Also, the chinchilla is the cutest, softest animal I have had the pleasure of touching.

Another creature I loved was the dwarf hamster. They were so cute. Thanks again for letting us be here during the Yelp event. I definitely will come back because I don't want to miss the animals. Wait. I definitely will come back because I don't want the animals to lose their homes. This is a sanctuary that must be preserved at all costs. Excuse me, where's the pig pen?

Oh, the pig pen is just, uh, Davey, go down the hall and it's immediately on your left. Alright. Oink, oink, fatties. Let's see what this is all about. Yep, still using that oink joke. Are you going to follow me or give me a tour? Yeah, no, totally. I guess we can go right this way.

I'm Tanner. What was that? It was a little pig noise. Yeah, that's good. We have a lot. You know what? I bet if you do them to our little friends here, I bet they'll get a kick out of that.

Get a hoot out of that. It'll be a hoot for them. Speaking of which, we do have some owls if you're interested. I'm fun. Are you noticing that? Are you here with anyone?

Is it a solo tour? I brought somebody here, but I offended her so fast that she left before we started the date. You could use some plastic surgery. I can't leave, so we're just going to go straight down the hall. So here are our three pot-bellied pigs.

Prize hogs, right? And I've got a prize hog. My dick isn't very big, but I say it is. Sir, I actually, this is my place of work, and I don't feel comfortable with this kind of language. I'm sorry. I get it. I get it.

I'm just trying to make you laugh. I'm trying to bring you joy, and I think it's working. Yeah. Oh, well, I don't think it's very funny. Okay. So if you're going to continue that, I will ask you to leave. All right. Let's do the sheep, because I can't be in the pig pen without making these jokes.

Okay. Sheep. Totally. We can head right let's do the sheep because I can't be in the pig pen without making these jokes. Sheep! Totally. We can head right on over to the sheep pen. Do you think that these sheep are bad to the bone? Are they little troublemakers? Oh, you know what? These are actually the most well-behaved sheep in Boston, Massachusetts. You know, we rehabilitate our animals because they come from abusive homes or, you know, they've been neglected. So we really try and give them as much love and care as they need. I get that. And are these kind of like, are these the sexy kind of sheep or are these the ones that you just kind of keep around for wool?

I don't think I know what you mean. We'll come back to it, but we can move on for now. You made the hoot joke. Would you like to see some of our feathered friends? Oh, some birds, yeah. For me, this is kind of the piece de resistance. I'd love to see your J's if you have any, some hawks. I challenge them.

Oh, peacocks would be great because I want a peacock. Well, you know what? We actually just got a peacock in the other day. All right, here we go. Flex on them. Look at this. No bird is going gonna resist this ass. I am showing off like peacocks do.

You are. I think you like what you see. No, I think I'm actually gonna have to get my manager. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. For me, it's like, oh, now the boss level. Let me see what I can do for your manager. Sorry, Tanner. What's going on? Hey, I'm Jim. Holy shit. I manage

Animal Adventures. You're really big and pretty attractive. I wasn't expecting this. I'm threatened. Alright, here we go. Peacocking. How do you like that, sir? I think I'm gonna have to ask you to go. I think you've made Tanner here pretty uncomfortable with your sexual remarks. Of course! I already

pulled a back muscle, so that'll be fine. I'll just walk. Also, I like to imagine someone going in and like what he says, I love meeting the animals and learning how they came to live here. It's just like you're talking to a goat. It's like, so tell me about you. Like, what's your story? It's just eating grass. Okay. You're the silent type. I want to know you.

I want to, like, see what's going on under those eyes. It starts peeing. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. So you're excited. Some of like things are getting too exciting here. Do you love living here? Do you have good friends?

Lays down. Oh, yeah. It's a big old cuddle puddle sometimes, isn't it? It's clearly asleep. Hey. Hey. I tried to poke my hole through it. Sorry.

Excuse me. Can you not? No touching the animals. Sorry my hole through it. Sorry. Excuse me. Can you not... No touching the animals. Sorry, I got it. It's just he fell asleep and we were in the middle of a conversation. You weren't. Just let him sleep.

I call over one of the other goats. Hey. Hey, you. Hey. Can you wake up your friend? Can you just kind of go like... Can you... Starts peeing okay i great i can talk to you um yeah why do you need to talk to that specific one we were in the middle of something i guess like

so like how did you come to be here like what starts walking away it's clearly not listening hey hey hey hey hey comes back so like sorry what you were saying you kind of trailed off there for a little bit you were saying like you just you just happened you just came by one day and and uh somebody walks up to you excuse me are you lyn you Lynette Weldon? I am, yes. You've been served. For what? It's a class action lawsuit. I don't remember. I was just supposed to give this to you in person.

I immediately turned to goat. Sorry, I lost my train of thought. The goat notarizes it. Oh, now you wake up. Yeah, that one's a notary public. Yeah. Should I do my last review? Let's do it.

This is a four-star review from the Montebello Barnyard Zoo in Montebello, California. Joyce V. We all know what it stands for. We all know. And it is victorious, you know? But you said it like in the cadence of Notorious B.I.G. I know. The Victorious. So, it's, yeah.

Sicker than your average Nickelodeon star. Sorry. Four stars from Joyce Victorious. A cute little petting zoo located in Montebello inside a park. Horses know the drill when they see you. They stick their heads out and you open their mouth to get fed. Inexpensive to see the animals and feed them. Wish there was more, though.

You get what you pay for. Hey, so I know the third date is usually pretty, you know, a little steamy, so I wanted to have a whole date that was an aphrodisiac. What say we go to the monobello barnyard and we i mean and have a night of it because these horses they know the drill they know what to do excuse me you get what you pay for at this zoo all right you walk over there and these horses just jaws wide open and you're suddenly shoving crudite into their gullet. I've never been more turned on in my life. Okay.

I think suddenly something came up for me. I didn't say what day it was. What day were you planning? Well, you just say when you're free and then I'll figure it out from there. Because I'm free every night, obviously. You know what? I actually, in the spirit of all all honesty i don't know if this is if this the first two dates were awesome i don't know if this is gonna work okay was it the

restaurant i chose on the first day no i loved that sushi place it was fantastic yeah it's good i did i mean was it the movie we saw last night i thought it was good oh my god no the movie was amazing so let's go to the zoo. I had so much fun. Well, no, because you're turned on by feeding a horse, and that actually is a major red flag for me. I didn't realize it was because I hadn't even thought about it. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, if you

were into it, I meant it like that, but I didn't because you're not into it. Well, you just said I've never been more turned on in my life. Okay, alright, easy. Hard ball. No, I know what this is. No, I'm not playing, all right, easy, all right. Hard ball. No, I know what this is. No, I'm not playing hard ball. You're playing hard to get, yeah.

Look, I know I'm not going to be hung like these horsies, but I'm pretty damn close, all right? And did I mention that you get what you pay for? The horses know the drill? I've heard people say hung like a horse, but I don't think ever in my life I've heard someone say, what was it? Hung like a horsey? Or something about that. That's really really revolting

to me. Okay. I have a lot of money though. I have a lot of money. I already know that this isn't going to work. What else is going towards me? What do I have going for me? You tell me. Well, if look, you're pretty attractive and enough said all right the fact that you didn't immediately list off five different things i know that you're not

attracted to me and guess what i think you're not cool now great you know what i actually am i actually don't care that's fine um fuck if you hadn't have brought all this up i would have loved to have gone on a third date with you but But now, because you've so clearly turned into this other person, I'm out. I'm just like, it's hard to be like the real you. You know, it's like, it's vulnerable. It absolutely is. So is this not the real you? Were you just making some weird horse sex jokes to like be funny?

No, that is the real me. It was the funny? No. That is the real me. It was the first two dates that wasn't the real me. And it was hard to put up that visage. But you were so... No, okay, then I'm... No, I'm out. I'm absolutely all the way out. I would rather have gone on a date with a dude

holding a fish in his Tinder profile. Yeah. That's how much I regret this. So, like, yeah uh yeah all right i'm trying to do some mental math here to see where i went wrong no you don't have to where i mean you went wrong in being yourself ultimately which is the opposite how is that a good message to send it's not normally what is it about me that's revolting you said said revolting. That's pretty, that sucks to hear. It's the animal fetish. No, no, it's not an animal. No, no, no.

It's the insinuation of it all. It's like, oh, look how long this horse's tongue is. Maybe my tongue would be good in bed. That's like the whole thing. It has nothing to do with the horse. It's an aphrodisiac. It's a huge joke. Don't yell at me.

I am. Don't yell at me. I am. Don't yell at me. I am. I am yelling. The horse's tongue is not an aphrodisiac, Jason. I didn't know that. All right? I just want to, like, I just want to do shit that makes you, like, hard for me.

Well, it's not going to be a horse's tongue. Fine. You know what? I changed my mind. I'll give it one more chance. Oh, you're going to give me a chance? Yeah. I'm going home.

Have fun with the horses. Get what you pay for. I don't know what that means. That makes me really scared for the animals, and that's not okay. You're missing out, man. I hate this. You really are. I hate this a lot.

You're really missing out on all of me. Great. Cool. Should we go into our last segment? This is Chip and Bonnie Long. Bon Appetit. Bon Appetit? Whatever.

Bon Appetit's Test Kitchen videos on YouTube on the day. Brad Leone, Claire Saffritz, I think, and then Molly something. And then a bunch of other people. They are hosts of the highest calendar. Funny, charming, hot, good cooks, good bakers. What they'll often do is they'll take a chunk food and they'll make a gourmet version of it. They'll crinkle potatoes and fucking deep fry the shit to make it look like a ruffle all right they'll take a talkie and roll

up a tortilla fry it in oil and then put it on a fucking bed of lettuce to drain and then suddenly they have homemade sort of chili lime fuckers and then brad and claire who i think i mentioned before they're kind of have a lot of sexual chemistry, but Brad's married. There's the tea, right? Suddenly I'm like, I bet his wife's jealous because Claire's pretty, I mean, she's pretty cute, right? She has this one strand of gray hair in a sea of black and she can make a ton of different baked goods. And then Brad will often be like a meat monger, a fish monger, and a fear monger. So he'll kind of sow seeds of dissent amongst others in the test kitchen, grill a filet

broil a trout and he shows you how to kind of cut the bones out of a fish and he puts the bone in my dockers so what because he's kind of tall he looks like a fisherman he wears beanies he has a wife and kids he lives in williamsburg he gets i i get hard for him is what i'm telling you in point blank language molly is sort of your classic girl next door, blue hair, blonde eyes. And she kind of wears this apron. It's more of a smock. And she's just so cute in it. She really is.

And I would love to just fucking, you know, marry her. And I would be married with her. And all of this happens in New York City on a high rise. And you can see the city in the background. Gourmet kitchen, chef's kitchen, chef's knives sharpened by Brad. I don't know if I mentioned it before. He and Claire sort of have this will they won't they scenario, but he's married. That's the tea.

So I made a gluten free, grain free cake yesterday because my nephew can't have any grains right now and we all thought it was going to be gross because it just has a cup of almond butter cup of dates water three eggs vanilla baking powder soda i mean baking baking soda baking powder i forget which one salt and it was delicious and the frosting was just um sun butter cocoa powder maple syrup um a little bit of coconut oil and uh maybe some salt so that's what shook me is that i'm like oh i didn't expect this to be good and it was really good um and i think i kind of blacked out for three minutes before mine before i said mine mine. Was it something I said? Yours was YouTube or something? Like a YouTube...

Well, let me just... It was Bon Appetit's Test Kitchen, and what you have to understand is that's kind of a rotating cast of characters. So you have Brad Leone, and then you have Claire Saffron. That sounds fun. I would like to watch it. That sounds great. No, they're all very cute and personable, and the recipes look fucking amazing

a lot of them are like impossible to make if you don't have access to a professional kitchen but um they're fun and i watch them late at night when i should be going to sleep i love it yeah it's also great if you're hungry also too hot to handle update we're about halfway through and i was facetiming with jeff yesterday and i told him this but there's one dude i'm forgetting his name is it brian bryce bryce yeah oh i fucking hate bryce you haven't you he's not the worst you there's there's another wave of people like for me it's impossible to imagine someone worse than bryce well um but he just like i can't but it has it uh i it's amazing to watch them do like into like intimacy workshops because it's like these are them do like intimacy workshops because it's like,

these are the kind of people who I would pay a bunch of money, and I am, to watch do this kind of thing. So it's just, it's fascinating. And Daniel and I hate it and love it, and we have to finish it. I mean, I don't want to, I'm not going to say anything, but.

Don't spoil it. I won't. But there is another wave of people, and they are the worst yet. So you'll love Bryce by the end, in comparison. Perfect. My phone is at 1%. Okay.

Do you not like Bryce because he's similar to a lot of people you know from growing up in L.A.? Like the people you didn't like? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Because he does seem like a west side like douchebag he's a west side like dude i would see at bungalow yeah exactly monica bro not even that

hot but carries himself like he looks like reynolds gosling one of the ryans um i gotta hop off sorry to cut this pod short but my phone's about to die and I have to make dinner. Imagine it. Imagine me cooking a salmon. I don't want to. I don't want to. In a hat. So it is in a hat. The salmon's the side dish? I think her phone died.

And that was perfect timing. We'll end on that. Salmon being a side. Which I guess is another piece of advice. Just make your main a side. This has been Jeffrey James. That's at IamJeff another piece of advice. Just make your main aside. This has been Jeffrey James. That's at IamJeffreyJames on Instagram, at Don'tPlayNoJames on Twitter. Riley is at RileyAnspaw on Instagram, at RileyCoyote on Twitter.

Give us a shout out. Give us a follow. DM us with your episode ideas. I will now read a five-star review that was left from one of y'all. I don't know how Marin used to... I mean, I guess he still does it, but I don't listen anymore. I don't know how he did the things where he would just

talk about his life up top for 30 minutes. This is jarring. Alright. This is a five-star review from Just Josh... Just Josh Johnson. Christ, dude. That's not easy on the ears or the mouth. Five stars.

It's pretty chill, you know, Buddhist and shit. This pod's cast is that of a pea, chick or otherwise. These birds of a feather certainly flock together and curtly block the weather. Rainn Wilson or other guys. It's essentially a review of itself and it's essentially a review of itself and sequentially a rear view of time itself jesus christ this is such nonsense i mean what are we this is this is my job this is insane all right um thank you guys so much for listening. Shout out to Just Josh Johnson. If you want to hear your five-star review read aloud on the show, leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts in the vein of the show, and we'll read it on air or we won't.

So anyways, guys, that's it. Thank you guys so much for listening. We really appreciate you guys listening during this time. I know that most of us don't have commutes right now, so we really appreciate that you guys are still giving the old show a listen week to week. Thank you for that.

Thank you for watching the HeadGum videos. We are still releasing almost every Thursday. Sometimes we miss a week, but it is what it is. Good Morning is live on filmshortens.com

and also vimeo.com, and we will probably release it on the head gum youtube channel in a few weeks as well so give that a watch if you haven't and until next week i'm jeffrey james and i am sad as shit bye that was a hate gun podcast