Review Revue - Pogo Sticks

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Alf and Reilly have two eggs for eyes and a bacon strip as a smiley face in this weeks episode of REVIEW REVUE.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let's get it, Alfred. In here. And the pod has Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and. In this podcast, there's no disrespect. So when Jeffrey left, I nearly wept. We got two minutes for us to connect. After 100 ebbs, now we got Alfred in effect. Alfred's got precision.

Replacement, good decision. He's getting old. Gotta break away from repetition. Because when we be out, Marty pulls his weave out. You wouldn't believe we review, review. You're in for a year now. Alfred's freaking here now. Impuff from Chicago to hotly weird.

Review, review. Review, review. Start the show, getting weird Let's get it, Albert in here Let's get it, Borgwell in here Let's get it, Evans Let's get it, Albert in here Let's get it, Borgwell in here Let's get it, Evans in here

Let's get it, Albert get it Let's get it Let's get it Let's get it Podcast is bold Full of body soul Don't move too fast Podcast just take it low Don't you dread

Just listen to it Y'all hear about it The host review it Get started Get weird Don't worry about it Podcast walk you through it Set it by set

Let's get reviewing Like my daddy Let's get brewing Chips on dice Get started. Get weird. Don't worry about it. Podcasts walk you through it. Set it by set. Let's get reviewing. Like my daddy's. Let's get brewing. Chips on dice. Got who we are. Brews in the pods. On this whole place. We're brewing.

Review, review. Review, review. Start the show. Get weird. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it.

Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it.

Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it, Albert! Ha! Let's get it, Borgwell and here! Let's get it, Evans! Ha! Let's get it, Albert and here! Let's get it, Borgwell and ha! Let's get it, Evans and here!

Let's get it, Albert and ha! Let's get it, Albert and here! Yeah! Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley One of the scenes in Review Review is about a nightmare horse that's about 30 feet tall and has a nest filled with spider little tiny horses. I don't understand the minds of Riley and Alfred to be able to come up with something so deranged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's the thing. Did you hear how much my name was in that? Well, but let's get it Alfred Hall. God, that was a good one. Let's get it Bardwell in here. I feel like I have played that one before. I did think you had maybe. Yes, and for some reason it was unread in the review email. Well, it was so good. It's so nice.

They played it twice. We have to play it twice like new york from xoxo gossip banksy banksy shouldn't have to wait for the theme to be played get it done or you'll be sleeping in dishes or whatever the fuck um so thank you so much is that from it's 23 so if we i i feel like we did play that but um guys if this is not a sign that you need to start sending in more theme songs we're gonna replay them poor tyler sitting there with how many unplayed in the bank and you're over here replaying other people it was unread so listen it's the algorithm is that but

thank you that was actually the lyrics were fun i I mean, obviously it was a, it was a, it was a copyrighted song. Let's get it started. But I think it was different enough. By the Black Eyed Peas. I think you could probably get away with it. Oh, from the same exact music backing? Fuck off. Like, you're such a hater.

We're in moods today. I'm going to rank rancid, absolutely sulfurous mood. Last week, we were silly and kind of cheeky. But tonight, yeah, tonight, if that gives you any indication. Yeah, if you're feeling the fucking low energy. Low energy elf. We're recording at night. Did you say low energy jab?

Yeah. We're recording at night, and I'm sorry to say that. Trust me. I am sorry to say that because we're both little worker bees. Buzz, buzz, buzz. My ass will fall off. I'm working so hard. Is that what happens?

Oh, that's new with your little ass. Do you ever think about how when a bee stings you, it dies? Yes, I do think about that. I think it's so sad. I don't think about its ass falling off though. That's what happens. Their ass literally gets torn out. No, it doesn't.

Yes, they sing you. The barb gets stuck in you. But that's not their ass falling out. And then they fly away, and their abdomen is torn asunder. It's horrible what happens to the bees. It's horrible. Jerry Seinfeld didn't put that in his fucking porno, did he? I'm just, like, upset about it. U it upset about bees or upset about recording

oh my god i'm happy to be here with you it's been a long day and i'm happy to be here with my freeny we yeah man and i'm thrilled to be here with my you're lying for lonely baloney um what if i gave you a nickname you're always calling me alfreene then find a nickname for me right now okay no can't use that one that's inappropriate um i'm just gonna call you the c word uh what is how has your day been what's new my day it was hailing a minute ago and i thought oh i hope they don't pick that up on the microwave the microwave the microwave the microwave i couldn't tell if you meant that as a joke or not no sincerely i looked at the thing in front of my face and i said ah yes the

microwave my favorite household okay so you're recording on the microwave. My favorite household appliance. Okay, so you're recording on the microwave and it's hailing. And I thought maybe the microwave... I did it again. I thought maybe the microphone would pick up the hail and then it would make for a poor auditory experience. I mean, nothing's poorer auditory than you calling the microphone

the microwave two times. If you could have, if you had to have no microwave. Any other co-host in the world. Oh, come on. I know the answer. Everybody knows the answer. It would be.

The unknown. The unknown from Willie's. And at the time that this comes out it will be it's not topical anymore it's the unknown it's like when the tie i'm pretty sure the tiger king movie still hasn't come out you remember that you remember that when they did tiger king hasn't come out when they did tiger king and they were like rob lowe's gonna play the tiger king and it was like april 2020 everyone was like that's gonna be so fucking funny and now it's like it's do we think that's actually been production for five years do you think they actually shot

any frame of it i don't believe they i believe they did some chemarades. Which would rob low and some tigers. And because you went in for Joe Exotic. I went in for Joe Exotic. Out of the money I would fucking pay to see you as Joe Exotic. I don't think I would be the worst choice. No, you would be actually inspired. What was like his famous phrase? Something problematic. Yeah, I'm like, nothing I can think of that he would say can

be repeated um did you watch it at the time i watched it like an episode or two it was really hard for me to get through with all the animal abuse and all i couldn't do it oh and does and does the moral superiority feel good darling it actually doesn't make you feel good about yourself it actually feels great because i watched every fucking episode with milk i drunk it up like allison williams and get out i drunk it up i drunk it up um i bet you did you know that did you know that what does feel good though yeah what's new with me i have a new sweater and i'm wearing it oh as if i needed any more sweaters. I was going to say. It was on sale. Not dissimilar. Not dissimilar.

It was on sale. It is a like dark forest emerald green chunky oversized turtleneck big sleeves. How big is the weather there today? Temperature wise. How big is the weather? Temperature wise. It was in like the 60s. Okay, so not really sweater weather.

For LA, baby. you know how much you want temperature today 65 here i was wearing oh sorry i'm actually fucking talking i'm actually fucking talking you just went on about tiger king and microwaves and milk for a little bit i'm sharing that i found this really cute sweater and it was like 20 bucks when it had been like 100 bucks so that's very exciting to me that's very exciting to me. That's very exciting to me. I don't think you need to be wearing a sweater when it's 60 degrees. I don't think you need to be.

What the? You know what? Jump. Jump. Get out. No, I was trying to find a segue. Jump. Jesus.

Okay, man. I was trying to find a segue. I need to hop out of this conversation and into our topic today i could let me do it i'll do it okay hop off my dick hop off my dick and onto a pogo stick which is what we're talking about today i love a pogo stick haven't used one in years but i will say i was not the most athletic child i'll say it shocker um but once i learned that i could use a pogo stick and do it well the that's when i felt moral superiority moral physical i i felt physical because not everyone can use a pogo stick not everyone can master that but i could what was like your trick your go-to trick there's no i mean there's no trick i could just do it you couldn't do like

flips or anything no one's doing a flip on a pogo stick i was you tell me at eight years old you were doing i was doing ollies i was doing kickflips right i was grinding yeah all the other kids would show up to the skate park with their fucking boards or whatever and i'd say oh cool board have you ever used a pogo stick no why not well maybe i have and i just don't remember it's possible as a as a bouncing baby boy i was i was around one and i might have given it a whirl but i i don i just don't remember it's possible as a as a uh a bouncing baby boy i was i was around one and i might have given it a whirl but i i don't i don't i certainly never owned one possible as a bouncing baby boy i might have been around one and given it a yeah like i might have been over at a friend's house and they might have had one and i might have been give me

that pogo stick but i don't think i i never owned one i never owned one never owned one but it was a great toy at like a friend's house that like i think that's where i felt really cool because it's like i'm not a runner i'm not a track star she's not a runner she's not a track star i i never competed in like team sports i was gonna say group sports team sports so the way that i could show my physical prowess, I'd go over to a friend, I'd be like, oh, what's that thing laying around there? Oh, is that a pogo stick?

What if all Anspa had a try? Your friend is like, oh, no, yeah, you did that last time. It's okay. Yeah, no, I know you can do the stick. Oh, Anspa, you're what, 12? It's not hard to do. Anyone can do it. That's not true whistle how

old were you when you learned to whistle i'm so young that i don't have a memory of doing it is that really true yes and that's untalented you know how how old how old was i when i learned to whistle 20 15 that's too old late when you learned how to use chopsticks uh probably probably 11 12 too old how old were you like four wow you're so fucking cool you're so better than me i'm so better. Musical and can eat. I can't sing or eat. She can use a chopsticks and she can hop on a pogo stick. We're sensing a stick theme. We're sensing a stick theme.

Pogo stick is hula hoop. Is jump rope. Chopstick is hula hoop. PE scooter. PE scooter? You know, what do they call they're not scooters they're the carts scooter sound off in the comments y'all know what i mean i know you're talking about but it's not certainly in our p.e scooter i never saw a human own one of those not in pe correct those weren't like you couldn't buy those like moving cart like they feel like moving yeah you couldn't buy one in this

those were only for sale in multiples of a dozen you couldn't buy just one i loved a jump rope i loved a hula hoop i could do hula hoop oh a trick that i could do on we're not talking about hula hoops today but it does feel in the it is in the world of you know what i'm gonna say what cousins not sisters cousins not sisters um sisters not twins i could hula hoop i could keep it in motion waist down to my ankles and bring it back up to my waist that i was always kind of um transfixed by people who could do that. I thought I was the coolest motherfucker. Yeah, I mean, you probably were.

I mean, that's a level of control over one's body I don't possess now. I could spin it around on one arm, throw it up, and catch it on the other arm and keep spinning it. She is the moment. No, and here's the thing. I fell sickle because when I was in middle school, I was in the ensemble of Seussicle. Yeah. Oh, fuck. The coolest kid alert i was your girl but give us a taste give us a taste i know you remember i know you remember in the circus sequence i had a highlighted part because i could do all that hula hoop stuff but then these girls who knew how to do like aerial silks came in and i'm like okay well. Aerial silks in what grade? Like

sixth grade. That's crazy. Yeah. Let's get into we're veering too much away from the pogo stick. Okay. You can't really do anything other than jump high. I'll veer us back. I'd love to have one now. What would you do with it?

Pranks. Pranks? Yeah. Likeanks? Yeah. Like what? I'd jump off a building and bounce back up. Let's take a break. Say, got your ass. It's like, you know how people, it's like, you know, it's like if you drop a penny off the empire stapling you could kill someone it's you actually the terminal velocity jumping on my head and it shoots you back up got your ass i mean yes i mean pogo stick is hula

hoop it is jump rope but it's also mickey mouse it's also wily coyote it's acme and i think that's something to consider and we're back pogo stick is mickey mouse do you want to start or should i yeah here's one for a pogo stick new bounce pogo stick for kids pogo stick for ages 9 and up. 80 to 160 pounds. Pro Sport Edition. What does that mean? Quality, easy grip. Pogo stick for hours of wholesome fun.

I hate when a product describes the kind of fun you can have with a thing. Just let it be what it is hours of good natured fun it's like family friendly fun it has to be wholesome fun i also i'm just like seo is the worst thing that ever happened to name to naming of items what seo search engine optimization oh how they just throw all the terms in there because you're gonna google like yeah well i want to buy my grandson a wholesome pogo stick and so and then that pops up as opposed to the x-rated ones yeah where they're all freaking peters um and i think you all know what I mean by that. Mary S. Every time you bounce. Jesus Christ.

Mary S. Mary S. Mary, save me a pogo stick. Mary, save me a pogo stick. One star. No, I want a redo. Okay. Mulligan. Mary Simon. Mary save me a pogo stick one star no I want a redo Mary Simon says time to hop

three times on a pogo stick Mary Simon says time to hop three times on a pogo stick one star went to Goodwill we couldn't get it to work Three times on a pogo stick. Yes. One star. Went to Goodwill. We couldn't get it to work.

I went to return it, but it was too late. What? So I have a couple issues with this one. First of all, you couldn't get it to work. What the fuck does that mean? You don't need to set it up you just jump on it and either it works or it doesn't yeah second of all stop giving your broken shit to goodwill yes nobody wants that yes it's if it doesn't work throw it away if it doesn't work it's not you're not doing

a good thing but being like this busted ass fucking broken like cannot be fixed but couldn't get it to work she like she didn't say came broken doesn't work she said could so she's acknowledging that it was user error effective that it was no was it that she couldn't get we couldn't get it to work maybe they will at the goodwill maybe someone will buy it from goodwill and couldn't get it to work. Maybe they will at the Goodwill. Maybe someone will buy it from Goodwill and they'll take it home and they'll know. But we couldn't get it to work. We couldn't figure it out.

I mean, there were no instructions with it. I mean, and so. Okay, before I do the intake on this item, we just want to make sure that we're doing our due diligence here at Goodwill. And we just want to make sure that we're getting the best quality goods to then resell to, you know, people who would want a pogo stick. So I'm going to need a little bit more description about what do you mean you couldn't get it to work?

Like the springs were defective? Or the candles weren't really? I don't believe we got that far. You know, I wouldn't feel comfortable making any claim about the quality of any of the craftsmanship craftsmanship oh so it to me i mean looking at it it looks it's in good condition i believe so oh well great so then i just need to ask i mean not to pry but it looks like a pretty nice pogo stick may i ask it's the return? Yeah, it was quite expensive. It was about $111.99. Wow.

$111.99. Yeah. So can I ask why the return? Oh, we couldn't get it to work. Okay. Well, thank you. Someone from across the room. Wait, is that a is that a oh my gosh is that a pogo stick oh my gosh i gotta my little one has been asking for this for christmas for for months mine too

oh my gosh and i'm just i'm so this is my lucky day this is my lucky freaking day hi i'm julie gosh this is um what's your name dave dave oh my god dave you are a lifesaver excuse me ma'am i would like to take that pogo stick off of that man's very very well manicured hands oh thank you for noticing yeah absolutely we i think we could do a resell on this and maybe let's call it $20. 20 bucks for that? For that locomotive? I don't think it's a locomotive. Well, whatever it is, I will be taking it. There we, oh my gosh.

Do you mind if I give it a whirl? I sleep with Ziploc bags full of moisturizer on my hands. That's why they look so good. That's why they look so good. Do you mind if I give it a whirl in the store? Julie, honest to God, I'd love it if you did. Because, and I'm not going to, no take backsies. It's yours fair and square.

I gave it away. You purchasing it. Everything's above board here. But I'd love to see you figure it out. Because we were stumped. I mean, me and Barb must have been looking at that damn thing for about a good three quarters of an hour. I mean, this is incredible to see. I mean, this is Barb must have been looking at that damn thing for about a good three quarters of an hour. Wow.

I mean, this is incredible to see. I mean, this is actually, you know. Now, could you mind if I film this? I think Barb needs to see this because I was pretty sure. Oh, I feel like Tigger. Yeah. No, and I was pretty sure this was how it was supposed to work, but she didn't believe me. She said, no, it can't be.

You can't be jumping. Yeah. Okay. Wow wow thank you so much um julie julie um sorry yeah oh gets down whoa talk about the ride of my life oh gosh i cannot thank you enough can i ask how would i do it right but like i guess i well you just jump on the dang thing do do you not? You can still keep it. I'm not trying to take it from you.

Oh, I know. I paid for it and it's mine. Could I maybe... Could you have a turn? Have a freebie. What's that? Come on. Could I get a ride on it?

Did you just wink at her? Yeah, like just a free-spirited kind of like, you know, I'm just trying to be neighborly. Is he making you uncomfortable? No, come on. No, no. I don't think I am. No, not at all.

Right. Oh, he's doing it again. No, you can. What do you mean doing it again? You're winking again, are you not? Oh, I have something in my eye i think all that bouncing you must have created some something of a of a dust storm uh well you can use the give it a go give it a go what do you start with what is that what do you mean step one

just just get on and go like you know when you get on and go step Like, you know, when you're on top. Get on and go. Step two is go. Okay. So I think I saw you holding the bar. Gets on. It just sinks down and doesn't pop back up. Okay.

Now what? Get off. Get off. Get off. Sorry. Get off it. Steps off off did i do something wrong oh my god what did you do it's broken i don't think it's broken broke the dang thing no this is exactly what was happening back at the condo i think this is just how I use it. I really don't think it's... Cut to a different day.

I heard that his wife is drying her hair. All right, I'm just about done. Okay, honey, here, I know you want to just get yours before we head out to dinner really quick. Here you go. Thanks. Hair is soaking wet. It shoots water out of the hair.

Is your hair dryer working? Oh, yeah working oh yeah i mean like mine gave me a full blowout honestly i can stop going to the salon now because like now that i can do this at home saving me tons of money i know it's what i noticed but well by golly barb i swear mine's getting wetter it's like a damn shower in here barb oh jesus honey honey don't turn that on right next to all this water and electricity is a good combo my god stop it turn it off oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i just huh i thought i was i watched you really. I was pretty sure I used it exactly the same. I can't do this anymore. Oh, Barbie.

Barbie. I don't know how else to say this other than you are a cartoon man you are midas in terms of everything you touch turns to shit in the worst possible way that's not the midas story i mean it in a bad way okay i love you but being out and about with you is embarrassing. You don't know how to do simple tasks, and when you try, it has the opposite effect of the thing the item was meant to be used for. I don't understand the physics around it, but it has to be a sign from God. I've always been this way, though. I mean, where's this coming from i mean the night we first met you know i laid down my coat over that puddle for you and then i stepped onto it and i fell all

the way down fell all the way down it made a hole my neck in water it made a hole your coat was like those portable holes from roger rabbit and then i bought you that bouquet of flowers but turned out they were all full of bees got stung moments like these so when you say, where is it coming from? You know exactly where it's coming from. But, but, but, this is what I don't understand. I mean, on our wedding day, you know, I

got up and I saw you standing there at the altar and I said, that's, that's my Barbie. And I, well, I took out my ring and it got all rubbery on my finger and fell off. And then when you put my ring on,

it shocked me. It sent a zap through my arm. Now, listen, honey, I'm all for a practical joke or a prank here and there, but this is just, over the past five years that wasn't on purpose exhausting it's exhausting being married to you okay sure i i understand um remember last week on my birthday? When you said you baked me a beautiful pie. And I got all dolled up.

And I did. You did. And I walked into the room. All our friends and family were there. And then you just threw the pie into my face. And the pie was all shaving cream. The pie. I tripped. Okay? it wasn't on oh yeah this old chestnut no i'm serious i would never throw something at you on purpose i'm not that kind of

guy but i'm tired of holding you back and I'm tired of being I don't know just a wet rag around your neck oh god is that a phrase? I don't know you can't even do this right Barbie and Ken Barbie and Dave

are no more you're not even going to fight for me? Barbie and Ken, Barbie and Dave are no more. You're not even going to fight for me? You're not even going to say, oh, I can change my ways? I've been fighting. I fought for you this morning. You didn't see. I got up. I made you a whole breakfast in bed.

I took one step upstairs to the bedroom i came tumbling back down orange juice in my hair pancakes on my face and then that two eggs landed where my eyes are and the bacon for my mouth and this was all before you even got up i cleaned it all up i said hopefully she won't notice then she won't leave me but alas he said that wasn't enough to say yeah and the kids heard can you imagine that they were eating their rice krispies looking at their old sad sack of shit covered in breakfast food just trying to keep his wife yourself like no it's true if i'm a cartoon character i'm i'm somewhere between droopy the dog and and and pepe lepew just a sad stinky horny mess. No, I'm serious. Come on.

I want you to leave me. What? I want you to go. I don't deserve you. You sure as hell don't deserve me. And all the chaos that comes with me. Listen, Dave. Barbieave i do love you i do i don't want you to think that i know you do it's okay well you really stepping up to the plate in this way is making me reevaluate things. No.

Fly free, my little Tweety bird. Oh, no, I don't want to be, I don't want either of us to be cartoons. We can't come back from this. So what are you going to do? You're going to go just fall down flights of stairs? Well, Barbie. That's it. Just keep falling down flights of stairs your whole life.

I've spent a lot of time running for myself. Trying to be a man I'm not. For you, for the kids, for me. And, well, with Toby going to Stanford next year and Veronica on her way to Princeton I figure it's amazing how we've only been together five years we adopted and they were 13 at the time I don't know why I explain this to you every week. It's like selective amnesia with this one. Anyway, maybe it's time I find somebody who,

well, who loves me for me. I hope you find that person. Thank you. Be they a cartoon or a real life human being. My hope is on real woman. But. But. But.

You know, whatever happens, happens. Cut to him making an e-harmony profile likes I guess I'd like women no that's weird I guess I'll put hockey

I don't even really like hockey it's just more normal than the women and then two weeks later Hockey? I don't even really like hockey. It's just more normal than the women. And then two weeks later, a mysterious housekeeper turns up. Her name? Mrs. Doubtwater. Mrs. Droughtwater. And that's not, that's like, you have the preference

of men and women you choose women preference women likes women women and um well women more women if i was on a desert island what would be the one thing i'd want to have with me uh women my favorite song? Women. Okay, go ahead. This is for Fly Bar Master Pogo Stick, ages 9 and up, 82, 160 pounds. Easy grip handles, anti-slip pegs, outdoor toys, boys, girls, outside toys for kids, teens, tweens.

I'm so fucking glad that the title clarified that you can use the pogo stick regardless of gender because I was really worried until it threw that in there I know this is five stars from Caleb okay no last name oh um any fucking day Caleb any last name you can think of probably caleb any word it can be literally anything doesn't even have to be probably caleb caleb his last name is caleb caleb caleb. I like the ring of that. I could get used to this. Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. Five stars.

The title is, One of Our Most Used Toys. My kids are getting to the age where they are too old for certain toys. However, these have come in handy. I bought one for my son, and then I bought another one for my other son for Christmas. Surprisingly, with how rough my kids are on them, they've held up extremely well. We have not had any issues at all. Every time their friends come over, they use them, and my children use them all the time as well. So they've gotten lots of use since Christmas.

This one in particular bounces a lot higher than my other sons. If I was going to make a purchase again, I would definitely get this one. That bounces a lot higher than my other sons if i was gonna make a purchase again i would definitely get this one that is so fucking sad so he bought two diff okay that's your first mistake is kidding is getting two different kinds i grew up with one son one for the other i grew up with a brother two years apart if one of us had a pogo stick that went really high and one of us had a pogo stick that went really not high, that would have been, I mean, it would have been a fight to the death

over who got to use the good pogo stick. Also, like, even in the review, he's like, I got one for my son for Christmas and then I got another one for my other son. It's like he didn't have to say, like, there's something about, like, who's the other son? Like, who is referred to as my other son. It's like he didn't have to say, like there's something about like, who's the other son? Like who is referred to as the other son?

I heard you on the phone the other day. Yeah. Did you call me your other son? What are you talking about, Max? Well, I don't know. I guess you were on the phone with one of your work colleagues or something. And you were talking and you sounded really proud.

I'm proud of both of you boys. You know what was happening? He is helping me get tickets to the Kings game. And so I said, you know, can you get them for both my boys? And he said, yeah, so that's surprise. You, me and randy are going to the king's game on saturday that's awesome dad um you know kind of i mean that was artfully done you really skirted the kind of confrontation i was attempting to have with you

um obviously i'm excited to go to see the game i mean i would say i've been pretty clear um that i'm not that interested in in sport um or crowds so i would i would think maybe you would know that's not super thrilled that's maybe uh you and randy oh my god listen i love you randy does like it no you're right about half of that dad trying to spend time with his boys. And I'm just a boy. With his two sons, one and the other. Yeah. Did you hear it?

Right there. Did you hear it? The lack of gratitude in my youngest son's voice creeping up through his vocal cords. Yeah. Okay, Pops. Can we do a little word association of course okay i'm just gonna start simple dog bark okay fish gulp sun moon okay sun s-O-N. Good. Okay. Other son. Sorry, that wasn't a word. That wasn't a word.

Other son. You. I mean, oh, no. I don't mean it like that. I thought it was pretty clear where I was leading you there. I mean, I gave you, you know, that was like two, you know, ships, like cruise ships. We somehow managed to hit each other in the middle of the ocean i was gonna be so much worrying what i was trying to do there max max buddy buddy max buddy max buddy i stopped talking a while ago you can start your plane whenever you find it down sit

down okay i want to apologize are you gonna sit or are you just gonna stand over me i'm gonna stand weird i just want to apologize i can imagine that as a child that must have not felt very good hearing your dad call you the other kid well i that felt infantilizing i mean i don't think it would feel good even if i was your adult son um to hear you say that anybody i mean listen i don't know if you could tell or maybe you forgot but i'm an only child no it's pretty clear and so that was sometimes i forget it's hard to forget that about you it's sometimes i forget you know i'm an only man child raising a stew kids a stew come on enough man child no that was astute sometimes can i admit something sometimes didn't didn't what did you did did you notice how you didn't wait for me to respond

and you said can i admit you know it's the rhetorical questions with you that's really draining sometimes i feel like you you wish you had a different dad sometimes i feel like you don't lie oh my god so you can't be mad at me Absolutely. Sometimes I feel like you don't like... Oh, my God! So you can't be mad at me for calling you other son when you don't even like me. It doesn't work that way, Chief. You don't even like me. Why do you think I wish I had a different dad? Randy, get in here.

Randy, my boy, get in here. All right, all right. Yeah, that's my guy. Why don't we go into the game later, pops? Oh, call it Saturday, my man. Fuck yeah. So cool, chief. Anybody want a grinder?

Your brother Maxwell is not too happy about it. Who wants a grinder? Oh, you know I'll always take one. A sub for the little guy, right? The other one, he'll take panini, pressed. No, you were right, Randy. A sub would be good. You got it, Chief.

Randy, wait. Before you go making our grinders, can you sit for a second? We need to have a family meeting. Okay. Are you going to stay standing? I am going to stay standing. You're going to sit next to your brother. All right.

Now, boys, I love you both not an equal amount, but I like you. No, I meant to reverse that. I love you the same. I like you differently. He's pretty bold-faced about it. Yeah, I mean, it's never really been any doubt to me that he's pretty clear that he loves me more. No, no, no. I misspoke.

Hang on a second. I'm talking to my brother. You're right. I want you to know, Max, you feel the bottom of my heart. I see it as an equal. I know that I'm the more traditionally masculine one. I love sports and Italian cured meats and putting them into sandwiches that are thick with dressing. But I think-

Randy's way. It's when it's just Dijon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pops. He tries too hard. And I think at the end of the day, he's going to be not around forever. And I hope that you and I can continue to have a relationship into adulthood.

And you don't resent me because of the way he's pitted you and I against each other our whole lives. No, I really appreciate you saying that. That was... Thank you, Randy. Yeah. Ditto.

Yeah. It wasn't really about you or any of your whole thing. No, listen, boys, I love you. And listen, you can ask any parent on the block, heck, even any parent on Facebook, they will all agree that, of course, we have favorites. Of course, we have favorites. But I love you is just the same.

But it's just Randy and I connect. No, I'm sorry. I got in a rush. You literally started your rant. I misspoke, Randy. I misspoke. Listen to your father. Randy, listen to your father.

Oh, my. I miss your father I misspoke I misspoke I love yous equally I do like Randy more Because we're more similar Okay I wouldn't stretch it What do you mean We're more similar sure

But we're not similar We're like the same guy. And I love it. Uncle Brian and I feel a lot more kinship to him as a father figure. Your mother's brother is not your dad. I didn't say he was my dad. You just said, oh, he's my father. You know, Max, can i call you in for a second

you know i uh you you know you really you win what kind of fucking yes i know you don't want to go to therapy but me and max have actually been going to therapy for quite some time so yes you said that therapy is for is for people with tote bags, and I didn't really understand what you meant by that. I meant young people who donate to NPR, like me. And Max, you know who I feel really bad for? You know, I feel bad for you, sure. Who doesn't? Hey, up top!

I'm not going to high five that. Come on! And I do feel bad for dad, too. You know, for the old man. There's clearly some void. I'm not old. I'm like 63. Pretty old.

No. And Maxie, you know who I really feel bad for? Martin. Our other brother. Oh, shit. I forgot about that one. Right? You know, Max, it's like for you

to be called the other brother, imagine how much Martin wishes he even got that. But that just forgets about him. I did ultimately forget.

Oh, I keep doing that. I need to put sticky notes around the house that say, don't forget about him. I did ultimately forget. Oh, I keep doing that. I need to put sticky notes around the house that say, don't forget about Martin. Yeah, I've been here the whole time. Oh, Jesus Christ, Martin, don't sneak up on us like that. I was waiting for you to notice me.

God, you're so slight. Any chance I could score a ticket to the big game? Hey, little guy afraid there's only three tickets. No, Matt. No, Martin, you can have my ticket. I really don't want it. No, you can't.

No, you can't, Martin. No, Max, you are coming to the game. I think Martin can have my ticket. No, I don't think so. Afraid. Actually, no, your name's on the ticket, so Martin can't have it, because if the security takes it, they're like oh that's not the same that's this not the other son that's the other that's some rando first of all there's no way our names

are actually on the ticket uh i'll write them on i don't think the security guard will care that might void the ticket i i please don't make me take him. He's really a fun guy once you get to know him. Oh, yeah, right. Hey, I got a bright idea. Like you spend any time together? I got a bright idea.

Why don't we take the three of us to the game? Cut the old one out of it. Well, no. Yeah, I kind of like that idea. No, I wanted to hang out with the cool... No way, Max, not you too. You're the smart one. Let's all get on my motorcycle.

That I stole. What? No, no, that's so cool. No, guys, please don't leave me out of this. Please don't leave me out. What do I got to do to come, huh? What do I got to do? You got a time machine?

What? Because there's no way you're coming to the game unless you got a time machine. You can't be driving the motorcycle you you've had too many grinders i had a long day at the factory okay i'm a grown man i'm entitled to certain vices i love you so fucking much dude hey martin yeah Hey, Martin. Yeah? Why are you laughing? Because I think your dad might actually be your mom's brother. Come on.

That's a low blow, dad. I'm not even being like a dick. I mean, genuinely. You are being, no, I'll be clear. You're being a dick. Maybe not on purpose. Yeah, he's got a good point. You're really kind of an asshole. It's not even, no, I know.

I'm kind of a prick. But this, I actually, I legitimately don't think I'm your dad. I don't think I'm your dad. Good. I mean, honestly, for me, Uncle Brian's way fucking cooler than you. Oh, come on! You fucking rank-ass, fucking stupid-looking, wannabe

fucking cool kid. You know, it's just sad. You make me sad. You guys happy? Tell us how you really feel. You guys happy you made your old man Tell us how you really feel. You guys happy? You made your old man cry? You're not crying.

You just, you know. I'm thinking about it. You got your usual flop sweat, but rubbing your eyes. Well, fine. You three go have fun at the big game. Without your old, No, wait. No, don't. No, fuck it.

And they're gone. And they're outside. And they're on the motorcycle. And they're driving away. And, oh my god, they're already at Crypto.com Arena. And they're gone. Oh, and the game's on. Let me turn that on the TV.

And I'm watching. And the Kings- Oh, god. They shoot, they score. They shoot, they score. They shoot, they score. Oh, man. What a time. Are there any- Oh, no. They shoot, they score, they shoot, they score, they shoot, they score. Oh, man. What a time. Are there any pretzels? Oh, no. We're out of pretzels.

Oh, out of Dijon. That's because it's Randy's way. All the hoagies just dripping in the stuff. And, okay. Spin, drift. There we go. Lemon. Let's put a little lime in there. Make it a little Sprite. Sugar-free. There we go. Daddy.

Oh! Marco. Oh, God. No, don't tell me. little sprite sugar free daddy daddy oh Marco don't tell me Marco your daughter yes Marco Marco Marco Marco I mean you

picked it. Do we got time for one more? Yeah, I think Sylvester Stallone and his stolen motorbike have time for one more. Do you want to read it or should I? Celeste Peculiar says, five stars. A powerful pogo equals lots of fun. When I was a kid, many, many years ago, I used to pogo around.

Even rode my pogo several blocks away to the corner store. I don't know what possessed me to try it again, except that I remembered how much fun it was, so I went looking for a pogo for adults and found this one. I'm not disappointed. Man, is it strong. The first few times I jumped on, I flew across the driveway,

almost into my car. Oh my god. One time, and almost into a tree the other. I learned rather quickly not to jump on with so much force, but rather to gently sort of step on. Also not to make a big, strong, downward push, but baby hops. At least for now. Once I tame this beast, I'll give it my all.

And holy cow, what a workout! Oh my god! I'm sure I'll drop 20 pounds once the weather warms up just from pogoing my neighbors probably think i am nuts because you rarely have ever see a 53 year old woman jumping on a pogo stick in their driveway i am relearning the technique but have gotten up to 27 consecutive hops which is a good start i I think. I love this pogo stick. It is strong, sturdy, and powerful, and I look forward to having a blast with it. So that's a little kooky, huh?

I don't know what to say. Yeah. For me, it's man, is it strong? The first few times I jumped on it, I flew across the driveway. Man, is it strong? Once I tame this beast, I will give it my all. That's, that's... Once I tame this beast, I'll give it my all.

Two cowboys in a rodeo. beast. I'll give it my all. Two cowboys in a rodeo. Now, now, Dale, you don't need to go out there. You know, there's no need to risk your life for this. I don't need to risk my life. If I don't win this here

rodeo, I won't make enough money to bring my wise little baby boy into this world. So I don't win this here rodeo, I won't make enough money to bring my wife's little baby boy into this world. So I gotta get back out there. Damn that midwife and her extortion. I know. When our first kid arrived and she

cost us an arm and a leg, I thought I will never let this woman do this to us again. And wouldn't you know, she done fooled me again. And their home birth is not even like she's paying rent on a space. I know. All that being said, I need to literally get back on that horse. But I'm scared.

You've heard the rumors, right? What rumors? Can't be as bad as Bojangles from last month's tournament? He done knocked you right into the stands. This is... You alright? This one here is about 30 of them put together. This right here, his name is Vile.

V-I-L-E, they call him Vile. And he's something fierce not to be meddled with. I looked that horse in the eye. I swear I saw Satan himself. Well, there's no way they'd let a horse like that into this here tournament, Rodeo. He's 30 hands tall, 40 hands wide. Stop it. You're just trying to get me scared. A thick beast of a horse.

Well, I'm sure I can train that. What makes you think you're the feller to tame him? I'm sure I can train that there beast and I can ride him to kingdom come. He's killed men three times the size of you. You think they call him vile because he's all cuddles and lollipops. No, I'm sure

he's just a little stinky and maybe a little hard to look at. They say, well, that horse is vile. You know how folklore starts. Stinky? I ain't even the half of it. I turned up last week to the barn. I hadn't even seen him before my nose

started to bleed. The stench is something acrid. Like from you just cracked a battery and took a huff. You told me you'd stop doing that last fall. It's a high like no other Dale. I can't.

Stop. Well, listen, I appreciate your advice. I appreciate yous looking out for me, but I gotta get on that there horse, the midwife. You don't know what kind of shit she's got on me. Now she's an extortionist and a blackmailer. I've seen everything with this midwife. What's she got on you, Dale? Is it photographs? It's a couple photographs. Photographs of you and one of your mares. Well, no, it's just... Not judging, but there's rumors about

you, Dale. You know, the photographs are just selfies I took, but because of them rumors, she's got a lot of leverage with them. Oh, Lord, Dale. What have you got yourself into? I put them through VSCO cam because I thought, oh, well, now that makes you look pretty. Dale, they're going to sell your data. You can't do that. They'll sell your data. What have I told you about being off grid?

Okay, fine. I'll go off the grid. You don't listen to any of the podcasts I send you. You send me podcasts? Oh, my God, on Telegram. Listen, I love you, brother. You are a hell of a friend I'll ever find in this lifetime. I am a hell of a friend you'll ever find in this lifetime. I am a hell of a friend you'll ever

find in this lifetime. Thank you, Dale. My number's up next. I gotta go tack up Vile now, you see? And, uh, I can do it. I'm gonna tame that there beast. I'm gonna win this rodeo, and I'm gonna pay this evil, evil witch of a midwife,

and then she'll finally be out of our lives, and my little boy will be in my arms and it'll be the happiest day of my life. Well, lest you get Priscilla pregnant again, then you'll really be up a creek without a paddle. I learned my lesson from the last two. I swear I heard a little bit of your past life as a yodeler come into it there.

Oh, stop. You know I... That's it, Dale. That's how we'll get your money. You'll go on the yodeler come into it there. Oh, stop. You know I... That's it, Dale. That's how we'll get your money. You'll go on the yodeling circuit. There's no need to risk life and limb on vile. Now, up next, number three, two, six, Dale B. Kearns.

Well, that's me. Okay, Dale, take this. Now or never. What's that? Take it. It's a lucky charm. My grandfather gave it to me. Oh, no, you wear this on your lapel every day.

I can't take that from you. No, if you're going to die, I want you to die with a part of me on you. I'm not going to die. I might just get tossed around a little, but that's not going to kill a man. I'm sure that horse is lovely. No, it could well kill a man. You've been in this rodeo business long enough that getting tossed around a little sure does have the potential to kill a man.

Vile comes into the stable. I'm not going to make eye contact with him. No, I am not. Well, that's your prerogative. Last time I made eye contact with him, I could barely walk straight for a week after what he did to me. Well, it's time. Okay.

Vile. Vile. Oh, there goes a satanic clicks. You seem like a nice horse there, Vile? Oh, there goes the satanic clicks. You seem like a nice horse there, Vile. All big and steam coming off ya. Well, gosh, I've never heard a horse growl like that before, I gotta say. Oh, well, what if I give you a little carrot, see? Yeah,

you'll like a carrot. Oh, God, he just hoovered it up. Careful now, Dale. Give him a carrot, he'll take your arm off. Well, no, he just sucked it right up out of my hand. Hoover mouth. Hoover mouth, that's exactly

right. Hoover mouth. Hoover mouth. That's exactly right. Hoover mouth. Hoover mouth. That's exactly right. Hoover mouth. That's exactly right. Now, what if I just give him a little pet right on the nose? He's hot to the touch, Jim. I cannot. He is hot

to the touch. Well, then don't. Oh, well, you gotta touch him. You're riding him. I know. Dale, I really think. Oh, well, you gotta touch him. You're riding him. I know. Dale, I really think you should back out. He's gonna scald my legs. No. Where are my leather chaps? No, I can't keep taking your items from you.

If you're gonna die out there, I want it to be in my finest trouser. Okay, well, then take off your pants. Don't have to ask me twice. All right. Got them on. Hell yeah. Fit just right. Damn, you look good me twice. Alright, got em on. Hell yeah. Fits just right. Damn you look good. Fuck! Aw, thanks. Shit!

Alright, moment of truth. Vile, can I get on ya? Nooooooo. Oh, what a bone twisting nay I got there alright here we go alright and the round is starting we are going to count down Dale please get on file

and we will get this rodeo going alrighty tell you a lot I love you I love you too Jim hey that was the finest man

I ever knew what's her what was that you said something I was gonna say if I don't make it out you make sure to pay the midwife

I won't be paying the midwife no she's a witch and I don't believe in paying witches but I did love you cuts him off the door.

The paddock opens. Yep, there he goes. He explodes. Just a fine red mist over the crowd. The heat. He boils from the inside. All that's left is the little pin on the ground.

Told him not to do it. Stubborn son of a gun. The midwife in the space. Perfect. Perfect. I know that midwife had something to do with this. I swear. She ain't not

right. I swear. That horse and her showed up in town about the same time. I'm gonna write a letter to somebody about this because this ain't normal. Let's do our last segment. Go! This showed me all week long.

All week long? It literally did. I'm not even joking. It literally showed me all week long. Ask me what's shaking. I got one this summer. Oh my god, what's shaking your ass? Dune 2. Dune 2. Dune 2. Dune 2. Somebody asks me. They're from Glasgow.

What are you doing tonight? Dune tonight. Well, I'm seeing Dune 2. I saw Dune 2 last night. It was fucking great. I loved it. I was like, oh my God god i'm on arrakis you know um and i guess what i'm really shouting out is um making making sci-fi movies that aren't

um shit well i wasn't gonna say that i was gonna be more diplomatic um that aren't bad no that uh they're visually like fun and like, aren't just like, which I know is rich. Like it's literally a movie set, a series of movies set on a desert planet where it's just the desert, but they make some really fun visual choices. Like it's so much exposition and just like proper now on a proper now and

random proper now and exposition, but they make it really like so entertaining whereas there are other movies and they rhyme with the mc poo that uh you know it's just so it's just like visually just like broad brush just everything's looks the same and it's just and i just it was just such a good movie and it was so so many good performances and and and and um you know timothy i know you're a listener and i just want to say like um timmy i just want to say like thank you for you know being a fan from day one yeah we really appreciate it and i know we haven't played your theme song yet but

it's coming yeah we're just waiting for the right speaking of which theme songs review review show gmail.com send them fuckers please it's review review of course it's review review of course um i can't wait to see it it was really good but my what shook me is something that i have been seeing that i would like to see more of every day um at this time i mean this time, the finale will have already happened. But the traitors, I'm talking about the traitors again, because I just watched a penultimate episode of season two of the U.S. Traitors.

And what I'm here to talk about is not just how much I love the show, but how Celebrity Crush, Riley's Love Crush Alert. It's not a new one. It's just Alan Cumming again. I'm back on the Alan Cumming train. And like, it's, yeah, it's really there. again i'm back on the alan coming train and like the it's yeah it's really there it's really there for me um i'm really present to that crush to that feeling you have had no reaction to this i will say you are not because darling and i do love you but

but but i mean you're a broken record with this coming business. I mean, you know, he's a fantastic looking man. I mean, he's somewhere between a Greek god and a poet. And a nymph. Yes, I mean, he's beautiful. And I get the obsession, but there comes a point where, you know, I worry. Can I say one other thing about A Crush? This is also not a new one, but Adam Scott is in Madam Web. And I know, can you believe?

Say that sentence to someone from the 13th century. And I left that movie. Elizabeth Valenti and I, the next day, I told i told her i'm like i need that man in in an upsetting way adam scott yes yeah i mean again mr scott mr cumming these are good no no no i like and i am a broken record i have said these people what i'm saying is i know that i have said these men on the show many times before yes but there's been a lot of cuphead devil recently there's been a lot of like weird cartoon stuff and so i just want to share and i like it when is that because like i know how to react to that i am still i'm but a woman i am but a woman and

she's always alan coming to me and i and no but i think the I think the problem is when they're normal and I uh like I just don't know how to react I'm like okay when they're weird like I want you to see Dune and be like oh the worm Baron Harkonnen gave me a fucking wedding you know how I talk and now I'm fucking oh I love him so much you know who's a weird one who I've been on about recently no I mean it's really Cuphead Devil's always been a dream for me yeah it's been pretty normal lately maybe that's been shaking me yeah honestly what's going on

like my crushes are normal hey animators animators in the city of Hollywood make your weird little posh make some freaky animal guy hor guy horny freaky animal person but make him a fop and then i'll be into it you can find alfred on instagram from the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review view discord head gum discord review review and Discord, HeadGumDiscord, ReviewReview, and JeffreyJamesMyPatreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. Bye! Hey, JukeifyRiley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone application.

Never the phone app. At Riley and Spore, and on Twitter.com, now known as xxxxxxx.com for as long as it lasts at RileyCoyote and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it there That That

Horse Is Is Named Named Vile That horse is named Vile We'll see you next week cowboy

Good night. I love it when you call me sweet daddy. Daddy. That was a Hidgum Original.