Review Revue - Public Pools

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

Reilly and Geoff discuss public pools, snatching children, and Marty’s exact street address.Be sure to give the show a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts, and include your pitch for an episode idea! Maybe we’ll choose yours!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @dontplaynojamesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. You make me want to go out and steal.

I just wanna rip you. Peaking. Peaking already. And Marissa just told us not to do it. And we fucked it up. It's been a minute. It's been two weeks. Since we've recorded an ep?

Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Or no. Maybe more. But the last time we recorded, we hadn't released anything. So yeah, it's been at least three weeks. I think it's going well. Our first episode just hit 10,000 listens. So that's not ideal. What are you talking about? 30,000 is when you start

making a lot of money. It's ideal because we are so new. It's been three weeks, so. That's great. That's almost a month of no ads, Marty. We're off track, Hanspa.

Don't yell at me. Because imagine, I hate to disclose the numbers and maybe we'll bleep it out. You love disclosing the numbers about everything.

About rent, about houses, about phone. You love numbers and telling people them. We should be getting an ad. Okay. That's an episode. So.

And then the network gets. We're that out. The network gets. And then you and I split the rest. So it's percent of. This is so boring. How, what else has happened? How have you been? How have I split the rest. So it's ***% of ***%. This is so boring. How, what else has happened? How have you been?

How have I been? Yeah. You know that feeling when you're on the edge of glory? Yeah. Lady Gaga sang about it. I'm on the edge, the edge of glory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's like you're almost to glory. And you feel that way? No. Okay. It's been hard. It's been hard a couple of weeks. Okay. It's almost the exact inverse of what I was going to describe.

So when I said, how are you feeling? And you bring up, you know, the edge of glory. Mm-hmm. And then you say, yeah, I'm not that. So you could have just said, oh, I'm not doing so good. I'm doing poorly. Okay. Morally, physically, emotionally.

Yeah. Physiologically. Okay. My ceruloplasmin. I have no idea what that means. Is low. What does that mean? It means I have copper toxicity.

Because of the hair test? Because I had an IUD. I have no idea what that means. Is low. What does that mean? It means I have copper toxicity. Because of the hair test? Because I had an IUD. So they put, yeah, but I don't have a uterus, obviously. Of course. So it just didn't, it just sat there and spewed copper. Sat in my ass. The copper IUD was in my ass. I don't know if I already mentioned that.

You didn't. Literally a piece of copper spewing toxic metal.. The copper IUD was in my ass. I don't know if I already mentioned that. You didn't. Literally a piece of copper spewing toxic metal. Not even an IUD, just like a penny. Well, I mean, the guy said it was an IUD, but it did look like a penny. So it was an IUD. I don't think it was an IUD. So that's how you've been. That's how I've been. You've had a penny up your ass and you're sad.

For a year, yeah. What about you? I'm good. I was sick. Yeah. And I love talking about it. Everyone around me has been sick for a month. Yeah.

I was really sick. It wasn't the flu. It was like a really bad cold. Rash. Nope. That kind of. Sorry. It wasn't the flu, but I did have a rash.

The rash really took me out for a week. I didn't have the flu. I just, my prescription got worse. Eye-wise. So I was really, that made me feel bad. How long were you sick? I was sick for a week. I went to Sundance with Daniel Rashid because his film Beast Beast was premiering there.

And on the last day of us being there is when I got really, really sick. So that was a bummer. At least it was the last day. Yeah. Yeah. But then I was out for like a week. One day I'm like, after fully two days of doing nothing but watching TV, I like sat up. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, Anspa?

You worthless piece of shit. You have to stop having mirrors in your bedroom. I looked at myself. Because you're just yelling at yourself. And then I'm like what the fuck are you doing Anne Spa you worthless piece of shit you have to have stop having mirrors in your bedroom I looked at myself and then I'm like I gotta try and write I gotta try and do something I have to

even though the whole point of being sick is to just get better and not do anything I sat up and tried to write and my brain was just soup and fog so it was

soup because you were eating soup soup because I was eating soup it all went to my head broth was in my brain you know people are like oh I can't drink too much soup. It all went to my head. Broth was in my brain. You know, people are like, oh, I can't drink too much champagne. The bubbles are going to my head. The chicken broth was in my brain. Yeah.

Left side, right side? Both. Frontal cortex? Wow. You should be dead. But I'm better now. I'm happy to be back. I'm happy that the show is up.

We have episodes coming out and it's been fun it's been amaze balls yeah pretty much it's been amaze balls has anyone ever said that before? amaze balls? yeah not since early aughts

so people have forgotten about it and it's a new idea for me put it on a shirt and suddenly we're making money what does the shirt look like? the shirt thank you for asking the shirt is hemp.

So it shrinks real fast in every wash. Not only on the first wash, every wash. It's itchy natural fabrics that seems recycled but isn't. So it's not saving the environment, but it also isn't comfortable. Okay, so bad cloth and then what's the font of amazeballs and how big is it and where is it located? Joker Man. Okay.

Noia. And it's sort of a, I want to say forest green because that would look good, but it's not that. It's kind of a burnt gray. You designed it. You're making it up right now and it could, I don't want to say it, but it's in your imagination. Do you know? It's like burnt gray. Okay.

It's the color of grill marks on an overcooked steak. I know. Yeah, that's burnt gray. And it's burnt gray jokerman on a natural fiber shirt. And it just says, to circle back, amazeballs. Speaking of that specific kind of char on a steak, that reminds me of grilled meat. I don't eat red meat anymore. Okay. But Daniel's roommate, Jay Lee, made for us ramdon. From Parasite.

From Parasite to celebrate. It was delightful. It was, yeah. He gave us that and kimchi. It was just like, it was fantastic. Did you compensate him? Did I pay him? Yeah.

No. He offered to make it for us. Okay. But then you kind of owe him one. I made brownies with Daniel that everyone had. Not to brag. So it's even. Thank God.

Because you don't want to owe someone. You don't want to owe Jay a favor. You owe so many favors. Yeah. Well, it's like at this point, I don't have a weekend. It's just me cashing in on favor or people cashing in favors. Very uncut gems. Yeah.

I really related to that character. I was like, yeah, dig yourself one more meter deep. I really related to that character. I was like, yeah. Dig yourself one more meter deep. I finally saw it. It's amazing. I didn't breathe for two hours. It's amazing. It was very stressful.

Did I pitch you my alternate ending? No. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert for uncut gems. Skip ahead 30 seconds. You wait 30 seconds and get a spoiler. At the end, I don't think he should have been shot and killed in the head. I think he should have been shot in the dick because then it would

like, he would have learned two lessons. He was about to ride that high, but instead he gets shot in the dick, so like kind of... Affair. Yeah, the affair. It kind of like gets him back for that and he doesn't get to celebrate because he's in so much pain. Yeah. More shocking that he's just killed. Very shocking.

I think it could have been funny, too, to see him shot in the dick and more cathart he's just killed very shocking I think it could have been funny too to see him shot in the dick and more cathartic than just him dying and we're back so thank you to everybody who reviewed the show on Apple Podcasts it's been such a big help y'all we've charted

we've charted in best new comedy shows and best improv comedy shows so thank you we made it to the top and best improv comedy shows. So thank you. We made it to the top three of improv comedy shows. Really? Yeah. That was last week. I didn't know that.

You never check the Slack anymore. It was in the Slack. I turned notifications off. Turn them on again. There's so many notifications from Slack. You missed the fact that we charted number three. That's exciting. Super exciting.

That's really cool. We would really appreciate it if you continue with the five-star reviews. But the point being, a lot of these five star reviews have been making me laugh man. I mean it's LOL a little bit. It's a lol. I dropped to the floor rolled around on it. He did.

Laughing copter. Yeah. I watched this happen. He started spinning on the floor so quickly that he took off. It was like he started spinning on the floor so quickly that he took off. It was a physical raffle copter. So if you guys continue to send these five star reviews with funny quips, descriptions, stories, really in the voice of the show, we will read it on air. And I have one right now from Big Ass Ben.

OK, read it. Five stars title it's pretty good it's fine honestly this podcast is amazing riley has a really sassy spunk and puts a lot of good effort into her improv she has a great animal magnetism that grabs the listener jeff is really, really fine. Replace him with a sock puppet and I'd barely notice. Riley, on the other hand, couldn't even be talked by the likes of Scarlett Johansson. Oh my god. It was a pure personality and frankly, rocked out.

Wow. Jeff deserves nothing more than what he's earned, which is enough. Five stars. My review is from E. Driz. Who? Five stars. Of the fuck is that supposed to mean? My review is from E. Driz. Who? Five stars. Of course. Of course.

If it's anything less, we won't read it. Because some people think it's funny to leave three star reviews. Which brings our ratings down. And we don't chart. And if we don't chart, then you guys chart. That's a shirt. How do you like that? If we don't chart, you guys shart. That's a shirt? How do you like that? If we don't chart,

you guys shart. If we don't chart, you guys shart. Someone's applying for a loan. Sorry. Your business credentials are amazing and your resume, you're proven.

You've proven yourself and I really want to give you this loan. Oh my God. The shirt, I just, I can't, it's very blue. Oh,

it's really, really blue? The color is white but it's blue humor. It's trashy. It's a little bit off color. What part? I don't understand what this is in reference to but it says if you guys, if we don't chart you guys chart. If I leave

a three star review on this podcast then I'll chart. And they won't chart. You're denied for the loan. You absolutely just lost it in the room. You had it from the beginning. We were going to give it to you. If I don't shart, sorry, if they don't shart, I'm going to shart.

If you're going to have this weird shirt, at least don't stutter when you explain it. Well, anyway, here's my review from E-Drizz. Who? E-Drizz. Elba. Just E-Drizz. No.

Five stars. Not too long. No. Five stars. Not too long. Consistently funny. So. It's the perfect length. I don't want to laugh too long is what he's saying. He's like, I have things to do. So what if he was pitching it to his best friend?

Yo, man, you got to listen to this podcast review review. It is so funny. And you'll still be able to get your chores done for the day and your errands. You'll have a laugh. You'll have a laugh, but all the things you need to get done, you'll do. Sorry, so you listen to a podcast 30 minutes straight doing nothing else, and then you do chores in silence? Mm-hmm. Because it's like I'm laughing so hard, which is great.

It's consistently funny. I have to say this podcast is consistently funny. But what's great about it is that it's like it doesn't like, I don't have to move other plans around for the day. Right. Because it's a perfect length. And you're not upset that Sheila left you? Or is it? It's not not.

So it is. Yeah. So. This podcast is really funny. What chores do you have? Chores? Take out the trash, do the dishes. Once a week.

Once a week. Once every few days clean my room once a month I really miss Sheila yeah there it is so shout out Idris shout out

shout out Ben big ass Ben hey Jeff can I ask you something really personal maybe what is it what are we talking about

on the pod today the title of this episode is the topic they already know public What are we talking about on the pod today? The title of this episode is the topic. They already know. Public pools. We're talking about public pools today. Today. Talking about public pools today. Talking about public pools. Welcome to Public Pools Today, the only talk show about public pools. Today.

Today. One time only, every day. So basically, I'm here with our guest, Trisha R. Thank you for having me. Sorry, don't interrupt. Sorry? Your local pool? My local pool is the Cedar Rapid Valley Community Center. Shout out, shout out.

Huge applause. Audience loves it. Studio audience. Cedar Rapid Valley. And is it hard for you? I guess the hardest part is not getting paid to go to my local public pool. So it's like. So you're a humanitarian.

Well, I didn't start out trying to be humanitarian. You know, it's like the definition of being a professional is you're getting paid for something you do. And so. Right. Sure. We can at least go off that. We can go off that. I wanted to be a professional in the industry of going to my public pool.

I wanted to get paid for that. Right. I'm not getting paid for that because I get now it's like no one should pay me to go to a public pool. And what would you say to those who say you should – if that's what you want, you should be a lifeguard. You should do the training. Well, one, I don't have time because I'm raising eight kids. You're Octomom and we're talking about you liking to go to public pools. I don't like it. I love it.

And the whole point is that I don't want to sit on the side. Because I'm Octomom, I'm raising eight kids, I don't want to sit and watch everyone else's kids for the day. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. You're Octomom. You had what is that? Octuplets. Octuplets? I mean the sex had to be just out

of this world that time of conception, right? To make eight? Earth shattering. You know the big earthquake California had recently? It was like that. It caused that. Holy shit. Who was the guy?

Mark Ronson. How is this not better known? Do you have any experience with public pools? I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah for the first five years of my life. It was a public pool, indoor, where I took swimming lessons. Right. I was distracted, though, because I was standing under the little bucket thing that you pull the lever and a bucket of water falls on your head. So this public pool was like a Kalahari water park.

There was like a section where there were two slides and kind of scattered around where the bucket things. The rest was like lanes and stuff. It wasn't too much. It wasn't like this is a place. It wasn't distasteful. It wasn't daunty. This was a tasteful water park section. Yeah.

It wasn't like you walk in and you're like, oh, this is for kids. It was like there is a place for kids. Yeah. But the rest is for the rest of us. Look, kids go that way, get water dumped on their ass. Yep. You're an adult, so you're going to do swimming laps. You're going to pay for a lane.

But yeah, so that was the best. I learned monkey knee soldier. What is monkey knee soldier? I'll show you. I don't want to see it. It's this. I've actually, every time I do it, I haven't done it in so long, so it's actually this. Yeah.

So she's sitting sideways on her chair like she's sitting in Santa's lap, moving like a jellyfish. It's a monkey knee soldier. Shoving her feet away from her and back like she's doing bicycle ab exercises. Like you're a monkey first. Wait. Barely. Hold on. Arms.

Monkey. Barely. Knees up. I guess. Soldier. All right. So, okay, hang on. Let's just run through this for a second.

Monkey because you look like a monkey. Monkey. Arms up. Soldier at the end because you do look like a soldier. But the middle one is just knees. Knees. Why doesn't it like monkey rock soldier you look like a rock knee soldier oh monkey knee soldier nice i think we're gonna we're gonna i already took a video of you

doing it earlier we will post it to the instagram we will post it to the instagram at review review because this is an audio medium and you just dove headfirst into a physical bit um i haven't done it truly makes me feel like a kid again i haven't thought about that i remember like then my mom and i practicing she's like remember monkey knee soldier yeah and i'm like kind of what else were you doing i'm like i was pouring water on my head so you would get so your mom would pick you up and the first thing she would do is quiz you on what you learned in the pool do you have any experience with public pools? I took the water more seriously than my studies.

What does that mean? It means that my PSAT scores were low but so was my dive radius. What? I knew how to get into the water

at such an angle that I stream... Sorry, I'm getting a little worked up thinking about it. That I streamlined the process of breaking the surface tension

and my peers were getting into Ivy Leagues. You went to USC. Right. Sorry, I'm getting a little worked up thinking about it. That I streamlined the process of breaking the surface tension. And my peers were getting into Ivy Leagues. You went to USC. Right. But that was because I, well, my dad bought a building. Got it. Because you were doing cannonballs. Most of my childhood was, yeah, cannonball, yippee-yi-ki-yay, I'm in a pool now.

And guess what my USC application essay was? Yippee-yi-ki-yay, I'm in a pool now. And guess what my USC application essay was? Yippee-ki-yay, I'm in a pool now. Well, that was the title. It was about how I thought, obviously I didn't, but for years I thought I discovered chlorine. So you did think you discovered chlorine. Yeah. So what I would do is I'd take a beaker into the pool at CVAC, the Sugar and Valley Athletic Club. Got it.

Test it. How? The pH level was basic and so were my clothing choices. I wore khakis to and from the pool. When I was in the pool, it was plain black shorts. Testing for chlorine. And I was like, this isn't- Testing that it was in it?

Because of course it would be. Easy. Were you making sure that it had chlorine? I don't know why you're getting mad at me. This was a hobby that I had. You should have been going to school. I played hooky, and I had my first me. This was a hobby that I had. You should have been going to school. I played hooky and I had my first hookup

in a pool. That's true. Actually? No, it's not. Public pools is what we're talking about today. And this was a topic

that we were given by Gavin Stroimpler. Strumpler? Stroimpler? I don't know how to pronounce it. On our live stream the other day. And if it wasn't Gavin Stro strompler please tell us if it might have not been him because it was on a live stream and i don't know it all happened really quickly i wish we could say we came up with the idea to do public pools but we didn't why do you wish because it's good to give

other people credit i wish that it was our idea because it's a good idea so then we could like leave the day being like man that was such a fun app i'm so glad that we came up with that idea yeah but we didn't so we'll leave it being like that was a great app but like you know so when you consume a good piece of media are you in joyful like are you experiencing entertainment in its truest form because it's good no why um because i didn't look i'm watching fleabag yeah great show really funny you're pissed i'm so upset just Because I didn't come. It's like I'm watching Fleabag. Yeah. Great show. Really funny. I'm so upset. You're pissed?

I'm so upset watching it. Just because you didn't come up with this shit? I'm watching my friends perform. I'm watching my friends perform and everyone else is loving it. They're like, they're so good. Yeah, it's a great show. I'm pissed. Why?

Because you didn't write that song. Yeah. You're not getting that praise? Yeah. I can't be happy for other people. What about other people's birthdays? I'm really upset. Because it's not your birthday. Because it's not my birthday. You're a getting that praise? Yeah. I can't be happy for other people. What about other people's birthdays? I'm really upset. Because it's not your birthday.

Because it's not my birthday. You're a bad person. So public pools. Okay. Here, let's do the first one. Sorry. You're dressed as... Yes!

Bleep it! Well, at least we're live. What? And we're live. What are you talking about? I'm slippery! Sorry! What? You just sent? I'm slippery. Sorry. What?

You just sent my home address. And then I asked you why. And you said, I'm slippery. Well, yeah, I'm kind of a scoundrel. Okay. Here's my first review. This is from Rebecca K. Okay.

From Heartland's Aquatic Center. Heartland's Caroselli Aquatic Center. Have you been to this pool? I have not. This is in Heartland's Aquatic Center. Heartland's Caroselli Aquatic Center. Have you been to this pool? I have not. This is in Heartland, Michigan. Right. It's five stars. I went here as a guest to a private party.

They rented the whole pool for the evening, so I can't comment on what it is like during public hours. This place was great. It has a large twisting water slide, a tiny lazy river with those swimming noodles to hang on to, or in my case, put under your behind so you float along in the sitting position, smiley face, and a little kid's area that is shallow and has water cannons, a little slide and buckets that fill up and splash water down on everyone.

They also have a lap pool, diving boards, water basketball, and a hot tub. Lifeguards are on duty, and they'll blow your whistle at you if you try and catch a little kid coming off the big water slide. Parentheses, oops, wink face. They have life jackets and goggles you can borrow, although I'm sure those go quick during public hours. It's not a huge place, but neat little gem found in a local high school. What? Is that a dinner party? Yeah, you know, I found the most amazing little local spot.

Oh my god, tell me about it. So it's a public pool. Oh, that's fun. It's so unassuming. Wow. It local spot. Oh, my God. Tell me about it. So it's a public pool. Oh, that's fun. It's so unassuming. Wow. It's indoors. Oh, that's great. It gets cold here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really does. And so I went there, and everybody was screaming, go Cougars, go Cougars. And I was like, I joined in, and I was like also doing it. And there was this kid, and he was a little chubby, so I bullied him a little. And he went down the, what? You found a. It was a high chubby so I bullied him a little. What? It was a high school gym. Finish your story.

Suddenly kids are going and keep in mind this is like kindergarten. This is their recess and I'm there. And so they're going down the slide and I'm catching the little slippery fuckers and then tossing them onto the hard concrete. Eric. What, is the wine not good?

No, the wine's fantastic. Because we have a red. We have a chilled red. Eric, you went to a high school and caught kindergartners and threw them onto concrete? Well, it was a game. Did they know?

Well, I mean, after the first two, they started to catch on and then that's when it became a little harder. You know what I mean? Your husband gets it. What is wrong with you? I'm a competitive soul. So I come up with games hither and thither.

And you went alone to this public pool. Right. And then I had to create my own competition. Are the kids okay? You know how, so you have your steak. Peter has his. What I did, because I have two ovens because I'm very independently wealthy, I finished both steaks in each oven and raced them to the finish line.

Sorry. I don't give a fuck about how you cooked our steaks. I'm just saying I'm competitive. You're telling me that you went and started catching slippery kids and throwing them out of a pool. Catching them, yeah. Catching them, yeah. I'm so upset. Four-year-old children are going down slides.

Peter and I need to go home. Before they hit the water, I'm grabbing them with my oily hands and tossing them onto the side. How are you oily in a pool? Well, because I need some kind of like, I need to make it harder. This isn't safe. I'm reporting. You're missing the point.

This is a nice local spot that you should check out. You should never be going back. I'm not allowed back. Of course. So I won't. That's why it's like maybe if you get on the inside, you can let me in from the back door. I'm never going to let you in. In fact, you're my boss and I'm quitting.

Why? Because of the kid thing? Of course. Or is it because of the wine and steaks? No. The steaks have been raised because you're a monster. How mad can you be? You just made a pun.

I'm not a monster. You are. You know what? What do you like to do on the weekends? Because I'm sure it's not as clean a cut as you like to make it seem. What do you do? Go to the farmer's market? Yeah, Peter and I like to go to the farmer's market.

We like to pick up our groceries for the week. Yeah, not pay, not support local businesses. Of course I pay. Well, then what's the point of going to the farmer's market? You think the point is to go and shoplift? The point is to go and take advantage of the less fortunate. People who are making family businesses, and I'm shopping locally, but I'm not using my Amex.

I never knew any of this about you, and I can't work for you anymore. What? I thought working at Shazam was going to be like a really, really fun opportunity. You got to make your own way, you know? Sure. This all has nothing to do with you going alone to a public pool and catching kids and throwing them. It's lonely, you know?

I don't care. That doesn't mean anything. Are you kidding me? That sympathy card didn't work? No. Usually that works. That's how I rob farmers. So when I found this review,

this is the review that I told Jeff before. I'm like, everything's fine except for one thing. Apparently I can't catch kids when they're coming out of the water slide. Oops, wink. Not oops. Not oops, Rebecca. Not oops.

Well, no, it's just like... It wasn't an accident. It was a goof. It could have happened. It could have easily not. It could have easily not oops. Well, no, it's just like... It wasn't an accident. It was a goof. It could have happened. It could have easily not. It could have easily not happened. Yeah. It would have been really easy for you to not catch kids.

Agreed. That's what I'm saying, though. Yeah. So it would have been so much... No, don't wink at me. It would have been easier to not do it than to do it. So what are you saying? I'm not allowed back?

Of course. That's... We both know why. Is it because I caught kids? It's because you caught kids. All right. I know I'm not supposed to touch kids. I know I'm not supposed to grab them. Of course. We both know why. Is it because I caught kids? It's because you caught kids. Alright, I know I'm not supposed to touch kids. I know I'm not supposed to grab them. Of course. I know it makes the parents uncomfortable. Yeah. It makes the kids uncomfortable too. No wink at me.

The kids loved it. We're talking from opposite ends of the door that I've closed you on. Door is closed in between us. We're having this all the time. You're out, Stine. You're in a towel. We're having this whole time. You're out, Stein. You're in a towel. You're dripping.

I'm wearing an inappropriately small bathing suit. It's a banana hammock. Go watch your car. Well, no, I'm cold. And I want to catch the kids. Let me grab the kids. All right, let me grab the kids

and then maybe you'll have a different feeling. My review, my first one is from the Griffith Park pool, which is... There's a pool at Griffith? Sorry, it's like, let me finish, because part of this whole thing is like how things flow, and it's like kind of ping pong. There's a pool at Griffith? It's not at Griffith Park, it's in Los Fios, though. Oh. Four stars from Rob Eddington.

This place is good if you have family. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Is that it? That's it. No, it's not. This place is good if you have family. Hey, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Robert, you made it. I made it. Hey, oh my God. Oh my God. Robert, you made it. I made it. Oh man, this is so fun. Hey, we're over here with our kids. I think I'll be there in a minute. I just need a few minutes. Are you okay?

Jamie and I, we are here setting up a, we just had a little picnic in the park. We're here for a little swim. Did you bring any, come on. I'm not okay. What's wrong? It's just like, for so long, I've been the bachelor of the friend group. You know, it's like you guys went off, had kids, and I was like, oh, like their lives are over.

You know, I was like, they will never have fun. Their marriage has a ticking time bomb on it. You've been thinking this the whole time. Oh, God. Ever since she had kids, ah, she never lost the baby weight. It's like, that's what I've been thinking. But now seeing you guys have this birthday party, it's like your kid is smart. He's funny.

And I don't have a little guy like that. Um, I don't know what you want me to say. Sympathy would be good. Maybe say, hey, you have time. Well. You're a good friend. It would be nice to hear if you Well... You're a good friend. It would be nice to hear if you told me I was a good friend.

Robert, I wish I could tell you that you had time. I really do. Because even though you just commented on how I never lost the baby weight, you are a good friend. You lash out when you're angry. You're late to things. You aren't a good gift giver, and you don't try to be. You don't learn things about other people.

I got you a mandolin. I've never played mandolin before in my life and I told you I had no interest in learning. You told me that you've been really into cooking and that you need a mandolin. You got me the musical instrument mandolin. Yeah. I told you about cooking. So all of these things together and now you're upset because you're alone coming to a pool. You are a good friend because you're there for me when I need you.

But now you're upset because you didn't bring a plus one to my four-year-old's birthday party. Well, I didn't plan ahead. What were you supposed to plan? I don't know. Like falling in love. You can't plan that kind of stuff, Robbie. Well, they say you can't put a price on love. You can't.

I have. What price? $56,000. That's the most I would be able to spend. On what? On love. Don't yell in front of the kids. I didn't swear. I just yelled. That's fine? On love. Don't yell in front of the kids. I didn't swear.

I just yelled. That's fine. I just said don't yell in front of the kids. All right. I won't fucking yell. You can't be here today. Your energy is not like a family-friendly energy. If you had a family, it would be a family-friendly energy.

But you don't have a family, so you shouldn't be here without that energy. Why'd you invite me? I didn't. You said, I texted you this morning, you said, oh, I have a birthday for Troy at four. That wasn't- I found out from Tracy that it was at the public pool. That wasn't me saying come to the birthday for Troy at four. I thought you were being coy.

How would I be coy about Troy? Exactly. My boy. It fucking rhymes. That's exactly how. If it rhymes, then I'll have a good times. Listen, I got to get in the pool before the break time comes and all of us have to get out for 10 minutes. All right, better hide your stretch marks.

Fuck you, Ravi. What? Get out of here. All right. I'm going. Everyone out of the pool. Damn it, I missed it. That's a sad review.

I don't fucking care that Bob Eddington doesn't have a family. What use is that to me if he has a family? The best part of having a kid is being able to share diapers. What? What? The best part of having a kid. Sorry. Repeat what you just said.

I said. Yeah. I think I said what I said. This is seconds ago. I said the best part of having a kid is the joy it brings in your life. Nope. You said sharing diapers. Sharing diapers. Yep. Is a part of the joy. And then I said what's what I said. This is seconds ago. I said the best part of having a kid is the joy it brings in your life. Nope. You said sharing diapers. Sharing diapers.

Yep. Is a part of the joy. And then I said what? And you said what? Well, okay. So the idea is, this is something I'm toying with in the future. My kid is born and he doesn't know how to fucking control his piss. No one does when they're that age.

Exactly. That's not your idea. No, that's my idea. That's like biology. It's not. And so what I'll do is like be a little green, new deal or otherwise, share the diapers. Because Lord knows I can't control it still. And I think everyone can't, right?

I'm going to read my next review. Okay. This is, okay, here we go. It's beginning to look a lot like Valin. Time's day. It's named after Cupid and mine. I've been bit by the love bug. I'll say it. I've been caught

dumbstruck out of luck seconds ago we were talking about how you can't control your own piss and now you're telling me about how you have a crush

I have an infatuation a little butterfly stomach for a gal you've been with your girlfriend for three years almost so so it's not new a little butterfly stomach for a gal you've been with your girlfriend for three years almost

almost so so it's not new you didn't just get bit by the love bug um my dad is married but

he also has a girlfriend no he doesn't the girlfriend is your mom is my mom oh my god how about you don't stop dating your wife?

That's how the good relationships fucking last. And they just celebrated their 20, or actually 30th anniversary. That's incredible. Yeah, that's incredible. I want to make a shirt that says, how about you don't stop dating your wife? And it's like a baseball jersey style. How about you don't, and then there's the underline thing. Stop dating your wife.

I'm going to get that for your parents. I love stupid t-shirts. How about you don't? Stop dating your wife. You wear it on a first date. Okay, here's my review. This is from Kim H. One star.

From over three years ago. Holy shit. This is the Hamlin Park Pool in Chicago, Illinois. So after years of not being able to use this pool, as the water was no joke, ice cold, it's finally become a place to take your kids. And they would actually get in the water. Unless you...

Sorry. And they would actually get in the water. Unless you actually want to take all your kids. Because at 3.45... It turns into parents slash tots only until 5. So, if you have children of a range of ages,

those over 6 years old have to sit in the blazing sun, no umbrellas on site, for an hour and 15 until they can swim again. Lap swimmers have until 11, which is great, but why on earth would you take a midday hour limit to those under six years old? We have waited years to actually use it.

I pay bloody fortune in taxes and now our public pool is making it hard just to swim in our neighborhood pool. Seriously, does anyone actually think through this stuff? It's a committee. All right, let's just fucking figure out this public pool. I think if it's everyone at the pool at the same time, it's going to get too crowded, especially in the summer when it's blazing hot. All right, then what's your solution? We've been here for four hours. We need to maybe put age limits on certain times. How would that even work?

People under six get the whole day? Parents and kids for the half day, and then everyone else who just wanted to do laps like full adults um for half a day okay let's do parents and anyone under six oh my god for the whole day uh they have to take an hour i'll pencil in the six six year olds take an hour break what time from 3 45 to 5 so it's like hour 15 why not just make it four to five let's keep it 3 45 to 5 fucking fine all right it's long whatever gets us out the door tonight sorry i just like to imagine that it's like these like young parents with their young young parents with a group of young kids. And they're so excited for this pool day.

And the oldest is six. Everyone else is like four and a half and five. And they're like, yay, pool day, pool day. We get to swim. Pool day. We get to swim. Pool day, yeah. Yay.

I'm only six. Can I not join? What's your name? Roy. Oh, man. Well, you're such a growing boy, and that's why I'm going to have to ask you to take a seat. The only way to sit are hot aluminum benches. It's 90 degrees.

Yeah. Our umbrellas are out of commission right now. Out of commission or just put over to the side? They are put over to the side, and they are out of commission for today. Can you roll it over for me? They're really heavy. So what I'm going to have to ask you to do, you might have to take, you know, you can put a towel down under your little tush on the little aluminum bench and we can get you

back in swimming in no time. How long? Around five. That's an hour and 15 minutes. It's an hour and 15 minutes. We just got here. And those are your siblings? Mm-hmm.

How old are they? They're under six. They're under six. That's how I describe them everywhere. All of them can keep swimming. Why? You can play little fun games from the side like Colors or Chocolate Bar. It's not a game. Chocolate Bar?

Those are games. Those aren't games. No, they're not. Hey, Roy. This is for your safety that we have you out here. How? You are growing into such a young man so fast. Don't patronize me. You're growing and growing and growing boy. You're wearing a shirt that says, don't stop dating your wife.

So? How about you don't stop dating your wife? We got to keep you on the side. I thought it was a Dodgers t-shirt at first, but no. Dodgers colors and font. Sure. You're sitting on the side because if you're growing so fast, there's going to be no room in the pool for the rest of them.

There's a ton of room. There's eight lanes. What if I want to swim laps? You said people who can swim laps, they can do it anytime. Those are 18 and older who can swim laps. So what about 17-year-olds? 17-year-olds don't come to the pool. But 18-year-olds do.

Once you're an adult legally, you want to swim laps. If you're a teen, you're going on dates. You'll learn as you get older. You're going on dates. You're going to the movies. You're going to hang out. I don't think so. But you, sir, you're going to have a nice little seat.

I can get you a water. Cold. Room temp. That means it's going to be hot. Roy, Roy, honey, are you having a good time? No, Mom. Obviously not. The lifeguard is saying that I just sit on a hot bench and drink a hot water.

Room temp water. She won't move the umbrellas over, and it's because I'm six. Oh, sweetie. I mean, my hands are pretty full right now. We're playing chicken with your little sisters right now. Yeah, the lifeguard suggested a game of chicken, but it's just literally grilling chicken thighs on the bench. That's how hot it is.

Roy is being such a good little man right now. He is being so patient. I'm not. I'm very angry. This is one of the first times I've ever been so angry that I want to leave. I want to go. I want to get out of here, Mom. Let's go.

Let's fucking get out of here now. Roy! Yeah. Roy! No. Yeah, Roy. Roy. Roy.

Chant my name, why don't you? Because I deserve it. All the four-year-olds are like, Roy! See? You can never come back here I know This is a review Okay

Hopefully You can believe it I know right Of This is the South Euclid pool Okay In Cleveland From whom

It's such an insane name It's okay The initials are SM Okay I'll give you one chance to guess And then I'll say the real name Sam Mendes Saburo Montfort

Saburo Which say the real name Sam Mendes Saburo Montfort Saburo which is the first name Montfort last name so Saburo Montfort sounds like a name in cats a little bit it's too

it's jellicle to be sure it's absolutely a jellicle name one star okay 2012 great easy parking secluded extremely helpful happy and friendly staff members very clean common areas great value for the membership

pass best price for lessons from their certified trainers 20 for 45 minutes sounds amazing every day for three weeks in the summer great low price. Low price, good quality concessions food. That was it? That was it? That was it. That was the whole review. That was a shining, glowing review. One star.

I think this person thought one star was like five stars. Yeah. I'm calling you. I'm from the pool. Hello? Hi, is this Mungo Jerry and Rumpelteazer? This is Saburo M for it sorry saburo for it um is this some kind of joke that wasn't very nice i'm sorry i just saw cats recently i'm on our yelp page right now for our community pool oh you want to give me a pool

credit concessions credit for the great review I gave you. Actually, well, the review was confusing. Why did you give us one star? Because you're the number one in my heart. Oh, I see what happened. You know what would actually be more helpful is if you gave us five stars. Five stars is actually like the best rating.

You're not in fifth place. I don't believe we are. You're not top five. You're the number one. Thank you. That's very kind. And what would help us become number one is if you left us five stars. What would help you become number one is not calling in this passive aggressive way. In fact, I'm suddenly inclined to bump you down to three stars. You should absolutely do that. Well, at least you own up to your actions. Is there anything else I can help you with?

You know what? You are the worst customer we've ever had. Five stars. Really? You mean it? You promised that? Can you change that right now on the computer to make it five stars? I did it now. Five stars. I will never be at your honestly,

toilet. Your public toilet. Just don't write that. Just don't write that on the mail. Five stars. I'm changing the review. No. No. Alt was right in the world until lisa called no trying to write her wrong she did quite the opposite in fact in fart it was a farce in that jerry please it's not it's saburo monfort all right now my angry voice is coming out this is my angry voice how old are? I am however old you think I'm not.

As in, it's my Jordan year when he had to wear a different jersey. I'm 45. My name is Saburo. My last name is Munfort. So you can imagine how my childhood went. Listen, I actually have more calls to get to. Can you just stay on the line? Can you just talk? I work from home. What do you do? I'm a street

sweeper. You're a street sweeper from home? I work remote, yeah. How do you work remote as a street sweeper? I map out the routes and then I kind of make it happen. I don't know if you're doing hand signals or not, but we're on the phone so I can't see if you're doing it. I'm doing, if you saw my physicality, you'd know what I was doing. I map the route out, what makes most sense for the trucks each morning. Okay. Then it happens. So you don't do the sweeping. I own a street sweeping business, but I like to be one of the people.

So I am a street sweeper, even though I'm also kind of a CEO. But you don't go out into the trucks. Well, I don't go into the trucks but that's a job for a real sweeper i'm just the sweep eo you know that's great sabaro saburo sabaro i sabaro is a pizza place thank you so much for your review and your patronage we can't wait to have you back i actually that this has made me feel really good. That's great. Two stars. No. This should be all week long. We went into that with no warning.

Well, that's how we've been doing it. Wake up, America. It's time for your own big spanking. We are taxing you to make wealth good. We're gonna take from the lowest class of people and put it right to the top. That's right, I'm a third party candidate. That's gonna swing the vote.

I'm gonna take all the wealth and put it up top so that my rich friends get better. They're gonna think I helped them out. They're gonna give me braces so that my smile will be bad for two years and then better for the rest four. Give it to my

VP. My VP. There she is. And she goes. And she goes and she goes and she goes off the stage because I was told that I am not likable because I am woman running in this race and I'm on the ticket no one wants me to be on.

The whole crowd said, woman, woman, woman. They threw rice at her eyes. They threw rice at her eyes. It was uncooked. Would have been nice if it was cooked rice. Would have been softer. Would have been softer. Would have been softer.

Would have been softer. Would have been softer. It's an almost unanimous election in the U.S. Jeff, what has shaken you all week long? So you really want me to go first? Yeah. I already know what yours is. Should I go first? You go first.

Bad noise. Okay. Stop. I'll go first. Ooh. Ugh. Bad noise. Okay. Stop. Ooh, I'll go first. Oh, my God. Ooh, I'll go. What is this voice? You know Milhouse?

Oh, you're Milhouse. It's like sexy baby Milhouse. Not sexy. Ooh. Okay, say, uh, okay. Jeff has never looked more disgusting in his life. Okay, your sexy baby Milhouse. So just say the following sentence in the voice. Okay.

How's this negligee look over my binky? I need to get into it. How's this negligee look on my binky? And then somebody will say, cut. The line is everything's coming up Milhouse. But I do have a question on the sentence you just said. Yeah, what's up? Negligee is basically like a teddy, right?

It is like a teddy. It is a piece of – How is it over his binky? Because it's over my face. It's like over his face. It's like because I'm a baby, so it's too big. So I'm kind of like swimming in it. And it's over my binky.

You're fired. You're fucking fired. No, I'm not going to relax. No. How do these kitten heels look over my onesie? Okay, so footie pajamas and then big heels. What a weird combination. I'm a sexy baby.

And then your millhouse. That's why she's fired. So don't say calm down. You're hearing this in the booth. This is insane. Good night, daddy. Saying that to his actual dad. Because he's a baby.

Right, he's a baby. So he can't say daddy in a sexual way. So, all that being said. Not a transition. What's shaking me all week long was shaking me all afternoon long. I watched the trailer for the new Wes Anderson movie. Sure. The French one.

Uh-huh. The French Dispatch. French Dispatch featuring, you guessed it, drumroll please. I'm not going to get a drumroll for that. Timothee Chalamet. Mother, may I watch this movie with Timothee Chalamet in it? Sure. I thought The Crush was gone.

I truly did. So did I. It's back. Fuck. That was like a year and a half ago you were obsessed with Chalamet. That was 2018. He didn't go anywhere either.

He was just in Little Women. I wasn't watching it being like, oh, Chalamet. I was watching it being like, I fucking love you, Florence Pugh, who shook me all week long a couple episodes ago. Uh-huh.

Watching Chalamet in this trailer, it's back. Guess who's back, back, back, back again, again, again. Timothy Chalamet and all his friends. Who are his friends, dude? Well, now it's Bill Murray and Wes Anderson. Let's just go back and forth listing good and bad qualities of Shia. I don't like that. I know.

I'm trying to bring you over to my camp. You don't like him? He's a good, he's a fine, he's not even a good actor in my opinion. He's like, he's himself in every movie. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. That's kind of from the trailer. He's himself in every movie.

He's not. He's fine. He's like, I'm trying to think of, oh. Not even his acting. His jawline could slice bread. I agree with that, that his jaw is sharp. But I don't think he's a very engaged, he's not a fun actor to watch necessarily.

Call me by your name. It's a fine movie. He's on a bike. He's riding along with the Winklevii twin. They're having fun. They're joking around. Then there was the scene, the party, where he's jumping around trying to get his attention.

That was fun. Especially knowing movie magic,'s like jumping around trying to get his attention. Like that was fun. Especially knowing movie magic, there was no music happening on the day shooting. It was just rhythmic clicks. So he had to make that fun himself. He and Armie Hammer had to like imagine there was music. Everyone's dancing to the same beat. I think if that movie didn't take place in Italy, no one would have liked it. Of course.

Yeah. So it has nothing to do with the story or the acting. No, it has so much to do with the story and the acting. Stop. What shook you all week long? I'm mad. You didn't even explain why you like Chalamet. In the trailer, he smokes a cigarette. Are you talking about why I don't like...

I haven't explained why I like Chalamet. You're so upset. You're so flustered and mad. Are you asking me why I haven't explained... By the way, how you feel about me not liking Timeless Chalamet is how I feel about you liking milk. Okay. Okay. Other than Chalamet, what shook me all week long is the response to the chocolate chips and milk snack.

I fucking hated it. Of course. That I talked about if I were you. It's been polarizing. You've gotten a lot of people saying they like it. Uh-huh. I've gotten a lot of people saying, hey, man, you're right. Actually?

It was disgusting. I got like three people saying that, yeah. They're wrong. They're right. Nope. They're right. No. I haven't tried it, and I don't want to. Okay. You can't knock man, you're right. It was disgusting. I got like three people saying that, yeah. They're wrong. They're right. Nope. They're right. No. I haven't tried it and I don't want to. Okay, you can't knock it till you try it. I had chocolate chips today. Okay, we'll do a live stream and we'll both do it. Great. I'll have a great

time. Well, sure. Sure. Oh, I shook you, fucker. Holy shit. Um, that cunt. Sleep it. Um... We're taking chips straight from the bag because I like it from the source.

Everyone says, Riley, that's a weird ass snack. And to them I say, of course. What shook me this week? Yeah. I got one for your ass. Oh, wow, How quick that was. It was super fast. It was super fast.

We didn't need to edit. I am living outside my house. Always. Always. So what I'll do is I'll basically rent a house when I shouldn't even be living in an apartment. What did you do? I went to look at an apartment

because I do have to move in a bit. It's a few months, but I like to look because sometimes the move-in date is a few months. So I have to move in eight months. So I have to move in three months. So I went to go look at a place because it was very cheap. And I was like, oh, this is so cheap and looks nice. What's the address?

Well, I don't want to say it. You said my address earlier. Fine. Okay, I know where that is. It's one of those ones that gets interrupted by hills. I went to go look at the place. I was like, why is this place so cheap? It's a one bedroom.

It's in a cool area. I'll tell you why. I walk in and I've never described a place with grime until I was here. Grimes was living there. The molding on the floor was molding. The molding was molding There was like black something Around it it looked like a combination Of cake dirt and mold

The bathroom had a concrete Floor that was not Intentional it was because It wasn't finished And Everything was kind of brown Like it was white appliances that were cream over age that's god awful imagine everything in the place having been painted over like glue the kitchen

glad you asked thin galley you kind of had to scoot your way like you were trying to like and it was just you in there so imagine like throwing a soiree. Exactly right. So basically, you know that feeling of when you're late to a movie and you have to shuffle? It was that but for the kitchen. For the kitchen midday alone. Exactly. And then there was a really nice

deck. That was its saving grace. But did I mention a general air of danger and a basement that someone probably has died in because they didn't mention the basement on the Craigslist ad but instead there's this thin

staircase going down and a light coming from below also no one showed it to me I texted the guy and he was like yeah it's open just go check it out you could have been killed no I couldn't have been killed it to me. I texted the guy and he was like, yeah, it's open. Just go check it out. You could have been killed. No. I couldn't have been killed. It's a safe area. But I walked down the stairs.

Lights on. No one there. Really bad vibes. You could have been murdered. Unfinished. It should just be a second bedroom. If they had finished it, made it nice, there's a window. It's not even in a basement. It's a second floor. Like if they had finished it, made it nice, there's a window. Like it's not even in a basement.

It's a second floor apartment that has the second lower floor. Dark closet. With a door that should be a front door on a house, but inside. And I like look through the door. You went to Buffalo Bill's house inside of some of the lands. And I shine my light because there's no light in this closet. And I see a few paint cans, but then it's also just like I got a really bad feeling so i'm just like i gotta get out of here so i like i kind of book it out it's just like upstairs door was shut went upstairs it was an entirely different apartment i'd walked through a vortex you died um and so

anyway i got i kind of got out of there but uh on the way out i saw this door to that basement to that to the twilight zone you had stepped through and jordan peele was there uh but there was a door to that supply closet from the outside so i was like even if i did live in this place there's too many points of entry and one of them's in the basement that i don't want and i'm just like ah you know but it was cheap that's terrifying It was very scary. I was going to, I literally, because I was looking at it also partially for Marty because he's a busy guy and he's been trying to move. So I've been trying to find a place for him as well, which I successfully did. He signed the lease today.

Congrats, Marty. Congrats. Address? S***. And anyway, so I was like, yeah, like I was telling him about it. He's like, oh, that sounds crazy. He's like, yeah, I'll was telling him about it and he's like oh like that sounds crazy he's like yeah i'll take a video of it and send it to you and i was gonna go back in to take a video and i just like couldn't even bring myself to that's bad because people there

was energy there oh yeah yeah i don't know what anyone's belief is but something happened something happened there uh so that shook me that was yesterday that's a lot. Yeah. But I have some leads. And I'm going to leads. Do you have any Valentine's Day plans? That's in two days. Isabel, my girlfriend's playing a show a few blocks away from the studio. On Valentine's Day? Sorry, let me finish.

It's a So Far Sounds show. That's right. What about you? We're going to make dinner and watch a film. What are you going to make? Haven't decided yet. Decide. Right now, chicken piccata and a pot roast.

Based at anything. Based at Tofurky. Yeah. That's awesome. More of the power to you. I hope you guys have a great evening. You too, man. Yeah.

What was that? I'm suspicious. Why? What do you think is going to happen? You looked me up and down and said you too. You're going to crash our night.

I know. I know my plans. We'll see y'all next time. Bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.