Review Revue - Pumpkin Carving Kits

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Alf and Reilly are back and they're starting to get just a little tiny bit spookyThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Danny doesn't know that Riley and Ray Finds on the menu a boy can eat the buffet

The draw by Adam Scott, Aaron Trabbit And all of the wild poor Danny doesn't know That Riley's unfaithful Sasha Baroncone and Christian Borrell Are Riley's other boastsful Sasha, Bear, and Cone And Christian Borle Are Riley's other bows So don't tell Daddy Crazy money Shall I make

And as I Saw the rat farm flush away Cause Daddy doesn't know Riley wants to blow Real and fictional Guys are notable So don't tell Danny about the copper devil Don't tell Danny!

I can't believe he's so trusting While King Julian is thrusting Riley's messed up mind and throbs For the taste of young Steve Jobs Well he's kinda hot, that's fair But Riley, these guys Danny doesn't know Riley's taste in loaves Sheila's animals So don't tell Danny Cause Danny doesn't know About her other jokes Actually tell Danny! Danny needs to know So Riley can go other jokes. Actually, tell daddy.

Daddy needs to know so Riley can go to professional and fix the lovey-dohs. Daddy needs to know. Daddy needs to know. Daddy needs to know. Daddy needs to know. Daddy needs to know.

Bro. What a deep cut. What a deep cut what a deep cut okay so that was from lauren um lauren said i spent the last week cataloging all of riley's cringy crushes throughout the podcast history and turned it into this parody of scotty doesn't't know called Danny doesn't know about all of Riley's weird infatuations hope you enjoy and Riley get some help um have to agree I think one of my favorite lines has to be like King Julian thrusting

no don't tell Daniel about the cuphead devil that's how you know it's up to date that's how you know it's a contemporary and that's how you know it's that's how you know and that's how you yeah yeah yeah it's a contemporary theme song for sure um because when it started out with ray fines in the menu i was like oh no this is one from nine months ago but this is like really been cataloged over time i was like oh no i actually don't think i've talked about the cuphead devil on the podcast i think i've talked about it on live stream and the q a

uh patreon.com riley and jeff what an organic plug but uh yeah one of my actually i have a new crush but one of my crushes is the cuphead devil and the devil from the cuphead show and i will not the video game the show and i will say i think your newest one that was great that was awesome save it for my what shook me saving it for my that's your what shook That's your What Shook Me? Jesus Christ. I love Scottie Doesn't Know. You ever seen the 2004 film Eurotrip? Maybe.

Probably. They sing it in that. It's from that. Anyway. Alfred, you had COVID. Yeah, I sure as did. Do you still have it? I don't know. Can you think so? You sound normal. By normal, I mean bad. Come on.

No, you sound fine. If I didn't know, Riley doesn't know if you have COVID still. Are you out of the window? No, take a test. No, I feel fine. I mean, tomorrow is day 10. So tomorrow is when I can kind of in earnest reenter society a bit, you know, I think it's day 11,

mate. I think it's full 10 days. Well, look, either way, I'm going to the makeout party. Um, but it was amazing is that I just believes i just had covid and then alf

dm'd me which is crazy that you didn't text me alf dm'd me and he goes hey guess what and then before i even then it was a photo attached and i immediately guessed you have covid i clicked the photo opens and it's i dm'd you because you were still in Ireland. Oh, yeah, I was in Ireland. I was in Ireland for a funeral. How about that? So I couldn't text you. You could have WhatsApp'd me. Yeah, I know you were there for a funeral. Very strange that you DM'd me.

I'm just saying, I think we were all, I was already on Instagram or something. Wow, I was at a funeral, and you DM'd me. Everyone's a goddamn critic. I went to a funeral, and you DM'd me. He DM'd me at a funeral. How about you think about that? How was your COVID experience?

My COVID experience, I've had it three times. Three times a charm. Jeff had it 19 times, so I'm still doing better than Jeff. But yeah, you know, I would say it was between the two. I would say the second COVID was probably my mildest. It probably goes first is the worst. Second is the best. Second is the best. Third is the one with the

golden chest. With the nearly lost my sense of smell again, but didn't. You didn't? Good on you. I didn't. I felt like the first time famously six months to get it back fully, which was kind of That's crazy, mate. It sucked. It was not what I wanted at all. It wasn't.

Look, I'll fuck it. I'll say it. I'll admit it. It wasn't what I wanted at all. It wasn't. Look, I'll fuck it. I'll say it. I'll admit it. It wasn't what I wanted at all. But, you know, I'm doing better now. You know, I'm still a little lethargic, as it were. Ew. What?

You didn't like lethargic? No, but what I do love is that it's October 1st, baby. You love the fall. Can you speak about this? I love the fall. You that it's october 1st baby you love the fall can you i love the fall i woke up today and it was chilly i put on a sweater and i have fuzzy socks on it might actually be warmer here than in la what temperature is it in la right now uh so today it is 63 degrees right now 78 here can you believe it that's's wild. But next week, we're going to go up into the 90s. Oh. At least you don't live in New York. Anyway, so I'm enjoying that today. Jesus Christ.

You see those videos? You see those videos? Yep, yep. If you haven't seen, New York is underwater because the climate crisis is here. Anyway, I love the fall so much. I'm going to watch a spooky movie tonight. What are you going to watch? What are you going to watch?

I haven't decided yet. I think I might watch Cabin in the Woods because I haven't watched that in a long time gonna watch a spooky movie what are you gonna watch what are you gonna watch i haven't decided yet i think i might watch cabin in the woods because i haven't oh such a good movie i remember it being very good i posted this on my instagram a while ago but i have an idea for a short that it's kind of wants to be a horror it's cabin in the woods your short is cabin in the woods and so i'm gonna try and watch more horror films that are kind of more campy um than like genuine real horror because i'm a little bitch did you see bottoms um the film that just came out no i haven't seen that it's really good that's not a horror film that's just a fun campy comedy well no i mean it's quite violent i wouldn't say it's like scary no i would say tonally it's similar to like heathers but we're not here to talk about heathers we're not here to talk about you ever seen jennifer's body i love jennifer's body that's a great flick nice hardware but we're not here to

talk about nice hardware ace that's an iconic line oh you're giving we're not here to talk about this though we're literally not here to talk about the iconic classic that is nice hardware ace we're not here to talk about the iconic cult classic that's jennifer ace. We're not here to talk about the iconic cult classic that is Jennifer's body, but we are here to talk about something that I love to do, haven't done in a couple years, and I literally told Daniel we need to do this this month, and he's like, sure. He goes, please

stop, I'm literally in a meeting. I'm on a Zoom. Can you fucking stop talking about? I'm like the baby in the BBC video, like coming into the background. We're here to talk about pumpkin carving kits pumpkin carving do you like pumpkins i love a pumpkin do you eat them do you eat the seeds do you do all that i eat the seeds we we roast the seeds yeah a little pepitas there's so many on it it's so good though but you can i how really i've never been able to finish it i always end

up i always end up with like sort of a few scoops in a bag just sort of festering until i throw them out you leave the like guts you have to clean off the guts no i know that i mean after i've like i've like taken the seeds and baked them and prepared the seeds why are you looking at me because you're like oh scoops of the seeds in a bag yeah i see i see i see i see i see alf when was the last time that you carved a pumpkin and you was taking kit not just like shit from home that we're talking about the kits the kits that i as a child and as an adolescent and as an adult woman would find in the grocery store yes those are like the iconic ones yes now they're getting way too fancy for me but when i was growing up it was very much like you

had like and she still claims she's not a millennial and here she is complaining these jay-z kids have it so fucking no no now they come with like led little tea lights in them. Yeah, back in my day, we used coal. It was a coal-fired jack-o'-lantern. A coal-burning jack-o'-lantern. Alf, when was the last time you carved a pumpkin? Have you used carving pumpkin kits? God damn it. Just talk to me about it.

This is you waking up this morning. Boy, I say boy, you lean out the window. Yes, sir. You know that pumpkin down in the butchers? The one as big as me? Yes, is it still there? I do think so. What is it?

How old is it? It's October 1st. Ding dong, the witch is dead. I don't know anything about Halloween. I love pumpkins. I haven't carved a pumpkin since probably, did it the year before last i think i did it last year um but i did do it you know during the pandemic it was one of those things where it was like this could be a day right guys yes we could do a day we could make this a whole day we could turn carving pumpkins ultimately at most a 40 minute activity into a day. Right,

right, right, right. Um, and so we did it. And I think last year, I think last year, Halloween was more,

uh, normal again. And so it was like, we don't need a holiday for this. So I don't think we did it, but I do remember when we did it the year before last, it was, we got one of the packets of the tools from the grocery store and they crumbled. I mean, it was, we got one of the packets of the tools from the grocery store

and they crumbled. I mean, it was, it was like trying to carve a pumpkin. They're made of aluminum foil. It was like a breadstick. Like trying to carve a pumpkin

with a breadstick. It just, like you jam, and it just disintegrates. Uh-huh. And that's, and that's canon. And that's half the fun.

Half the fun is like using the blade, just holding the blade in your hand because it fell out of the plastic. Half the fun is like using the blade, just holding the blade in your hand because it fell out of the plastic. Without the handle, yes. It's half the fun. Yeah, it's the fun of like, or are you gonna slice your hand open

with a serrated kind of little guy? And you're like getting pumpkin in your cut and you're like, I don't think this is bad. Like I can't think of a reason. It comes from the earth. Right. So I don't know how anything that comes from the earth could be bad. And then you get lockjaw.

And then you get sepsis. I'm really scared of sepsis. Should we get into it? I think on the scale of your fears, sepsis is like one of the more rational ones. Cause like, you know, it's crazy. Sorry,

really quick tangent. I am terrified of every, I should, as someone who's an anxious hypochondriac, I should not have access to the knowledge of what sepsis is. You shouldn't have access to the internet. No, I definitely shouldn't.

But like I was, cause I follow like CDC andc and i was i was just hanging hanging hanging and they made like follow the cdc on instagram yeah again she claims she's not a millennial and she follows the cdc i never unfollowed them from like the peak of covid king fauci come bless me what i'm saying- My other car is a booster shot. Like literally the most millennial ass. They posted like five, a five post like series about sepsis. That is unnecessary. And so every time I fucking opened Instagram, it was another post about like some 23 year

old who died from sepsis. And I'm like, I should not know this. What was the inciting incident? I should not be walking around like just a little cut. and so that's it's like of course like anyway i get well and i'm always dying wait do you want to start us off or should i dots together bit by bed starting it off uh i could do one, we should maybe take a tiny break. Oh, and we haven't set an intention. Okay.

Before we take a break, oh my God, you're right. We have not set an intention. We're so close. We nearly didn't set an intention. This is going to be the most septic episode. Okay.

Get ready for the ooziest, pussiest, most septic episode they've ever done. This is going to be a septic episode. Antibiotics won't cure it after a certain point. This is going to be a septic episode. Antibiotics won't cure it after a certain point.

It's going to inflect your bloodstream, mama. This episode is running a fever of 106 and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Okay, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back're back my cut is infected oh me my cut's infected do you want to start us off or should i uh i'd love to start us off. This is for... Great. Take initiative for once in your goddamn life.

Hey. Hey. Can you point to a single time I haven't taken initiative? We don't have time for that. Pumpkin carving kit. 21 tool set with 11 double-sided pieces. Halloween professional sculpting, cutting, and carving knife supplies for fall. Jack-o'-lantern pumpkins.

Decorations for kids and adults. Love it. Love it. Rachel Nolust name. Rachel Weiss. Rachel Weiss. How many stars? Five stars.

Okay. Great little set at a reasonable price. I had purchased these to give to my nieces slash nephew for their various craft projects, but decided to keep them for myself. I have small hands, and the barrel size was just right. I have found other uses for these tools other than pumpkin carving, in quotes, from the kitchen to my many own crafting projects. Don't limit yourself with titles of what things are supposed to do. Use your imagination and your creativity will expand and all of your tools available will do more than just one job or even not the job that they were intended for. Oh, what the fuck?

So it's like, I bought these for my nieces and nephew, but I kept them because they were perfect for my tiny hands. Thought that was going to be the weird thing. And then decided, you know what? I'm not going to use them for pumpkin carving after all. I'm going to use them in the kitchen and other craft projects i love i think specifically i love like don't limit yourself to what things are supposed to be or what they're called or what they're supposed to be used for the intended purpose the intended

purpose that is so funny it's making me think never mind i was gonna say it's making me think. Never mind. I was going to say it's making me think of two-in-one shampoo and conditioner, but that's even more specific. You can't use that for more than that. That's a salad dressing. Hot dog. Get your hot dog. Hey, yo, what can I get for you? Oh, yeah.

Can I just get one dog? No, no ketchup, no mustard, just meat and bun. Meat and bun? You got it, chief. So not Chicago style. You don't want it Chicago style? Not Chicago. God, no.

Like I said, I just want meat and bun for me. All righty, meat and bun. There you go. You can pick it up in the next window. Come on, get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Thank you so much.

All right, dog. Hey, what can I get for you, son? You been helped yet Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Thank you so much. Hot dog. Hey, what can I get for you, son? You been helped yet? You been helped? You been helped yet? Anyone helped you yet? Hey, hey, no, I haven't been helped. I've been standing here forever.

You want a big dog? We got hot dogs. What you talking about? We got the biggest dogs in the city. What do you want? I would love a filet mignon. No. No, kid.

No. This isn't no fancy lad fucking type place. You just. You said we got a bunch of stuff. No, I said we have big dogs. Well, that's a big dog meal for a big dog like me. No, no, tell me. No, let me tell you what you're going to want.

You're going to love my dog. You're going to love my dog. Let me get you a brat. Let me get you a brat. You're going to love this brat. Okay. Okay. You want a Chicago style?

Sure. All right. Put that neon green on there. Hey, you want a boy style? Sure Alright, put that neon green on there Hey Want a boy style? What? Do you want a boy style? Boys style?

Yeah You look like a cool young kid You want a boy style? I never tried boy style before But I am cool and young and a boy Alrighty, alrighty Boy style Hey, free of charge for my man

Okay Takes a bottle What's a boy style? Full of bright blue liquid. Squirts it all over. What's up? What's up? What's up, chief? What's up? What is that? What are you putting on my bra? What do you mean, boss? You said you wanted it boy style, boss.

I'm putting the book. Well, I didn't know what boy style was. I asked you what boy style was and you just said it's on me. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. Don't knock it until you try it. Well, can you tell me what's going on? It's better if it's a surprise. Okay. I bet it's kind of like, I remember in like the early noughties when Heinz did a

kind of like purple ketchup and green ketchup. Is that what this is? Wait, I'm sorry. You remember the early nineties? No. I said the early noughties. Oh. So how old are you? Doesn't matter. I might have to rescind my free boy style.

You might not be a boy. No, no, no. I'm a boy. You might be a man. No. Let me get one thing clear. I'm not clear on what kind of toxic shit you're putting on my brat. But what is clear is that I am a little boy.

Right. But you remember the early noughties, which means you got to be at least 20. No, no, no, no. You misunderstand. Bush v. Gore. Let's just keep. Do you remember Bush v. Gore? Oh, God, of course.

He doesn't remember Bush v. Gore. Okay, so that was 2000. No, no, no. So for you to remember that, you have to be at least 26. No, you're not listening. You're not listening, and no one listens to little boys these days. No, you're not listening. You're not listening. And no one listens to little boys these days. Why don't you keep putting the stuff on the brat?

Bush v. Gore. Why don't you keep putting that Lysol spray that you got in your hand? It's not Lysol. Hey, you're getting warmer, but it's not a Lysol. What is it, Downy? No. Is it? What is it? Clinton Dole.. Is it? Is it? What is it?

Clinton Dole. You remember Clinton Dole? 96. You have to be a fucking idiot to not remember Clinton Dole. Okay. Who'd you vote for? Oh, sorry. Who'd you vote for?

Sorry, I cursed. I cursed. I'm a little boy. I'm cursing. I can't believe I'm out here cursing. Who'd you vote for? Who would I vote for? What do you think?

Will you take a look at me? Who do you think I voted for? You probably voted for Dole. Of course I voted for Dole. Okay, so you could vote in 1996. There's no way that you're a boy. No way. You're not understanding.

Put those Tide Pods. Sprinkle those Tide Pods around the button for me right there. Warmer, warmer, warmer, but still not quite right. No, no way. What is it? You know what? I like you. You got gumption.

You got cheek. I'm going to give you the boy style, even though I think you're at least 40. Right. I am a little boy. Now, will you please, kind sir, tell me what is on my dog today? The whole time he's been squirting this blue. His entire hand is like soaked in this viscous fluid. Here you go.

One boy style dog. Pay the next window. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is it regular Tide, just kind of detergent, not the pod? Oh, but you're getting warmer. Is it Dawn's soap? Oh, he's getting close. Oh, come on.

Just tell a little boy what's on his dog. All right, I'll tell you, but you can't tell a soul. Do you promise? I promise, mister. Because there's a lot of other hot dogs stands on this strip. And if they find out my secret boy style ingredient, you don't want Chucky Big Hands to go out of business, do you? No, I certainly don't. And you want you. Hey, listen, I'm little boy Bill.

You think little boy Bill's gonna be going spreading the news about Chucky Big Hands? No siree. Yeah, again, I'm not so sure about the little boy part, but... Look at me! I'm in a sailor outfit with a big lollipop and a diapy.

I'm a little boy. I mean, I would be more inclined to believe you about the not telling other people about boy style if you weren't so clearly lying about something else. Just what's the secret ingredient? If you share the secret with me, I'll share a secret with you. And then we'll be blood brothers bonded for life. Blood brothers. All right.

Fine. It's, uh, come closer. Come closer. Okay. Old Spice. Pure sport. Three in one. Get out of town.

Yes. It washes your face. It washes your face, washes your hair, and it washes you down there. Sorry. Listen, we're then three in one, but none of those three seem fit to be put on a sausage encased in a casing sausage line. What do you mean? Does that make sense? I mean, I don't know why you had to obfuscate that part, but yeah, it makes sense. So, I mean,

you have the three in one use, but none of those uses include being put on the brat. No, but it's, you know, off-label. It's like ozempic. But so you're telling me that people have eaten this and survived? Absolutely. You promise?

Yeah. You wouldn't break a promise to a little boy now, would you, mister? You were going to tell me a secret. I'm just saying, you wouldn't break a promise to a little tyke like me. What? Are you kidding? Chucky Big Hands, I cross my fingers, hope to die. My pinky's so big I could never break the promise.

Come on. Okay, I'll tell you a secret. All right. You have to really... Come on, who am I going to tell? Because you're giving me off-label Old Spice on my hot dog, I'm not positive that you're not going to tell anybody. I'm not a little boy. that can't be the secret the secret has to be something i didn't already know you have to give me a new secret

that doesn't snatches the hot dog back no no no give me give me my big boy brought back we were trading secrets and you gave me a fake secret. That was a secret. No, it's not a fake secret. I'm a little boy. You gave me a secret. I already knew it. Does that count?

Can I tell you a secret for real? Yes, you have to. I voted for Clinton. All right. Two times? Just the one. Huh. Huh. Interesting.

Does that change anything for you? Take the brat. You're not going to... Take the brat. You just made a little boy's day very good. You are a strange bird. Hey, so are you. Hey, how about we cheers?

Why don't we split this brat right now? No, I can't eat right now because we're sharing secrets we're sharing broths what do you mean you won't eat that shit's poison oh come on i bet you're better cooked than you think no no it's like that chuck your big hands no you don't know what they do the factory farms that meat i wouldn't eat it oh it's the meat yeah the boy sauce is great i wouldn't eat the meat though okay let me toss the meat so i'm just now gonna eat the bun and this is a delicious snack do you want to split it with absolutely cheese clink start foaming at the cut to a coroner's office um so mrs big hands unfortunately it was some of the food that was consumed that

uh took down your husband charles he was charles big hands he was always saying don't eat the meat charlene don't eat the meat the meat's always and let me be clear it wasn't the meat he did not there was no meat in his system he actually in fact never ate was the sport peppers uh no it was not pepper relish the neon relish i knew there was something rotten you'd think it would be that you really would think that because that color is not natural to nature um it was uh it was old spice three in one it's kind of a body wash uh hair wash, and he seemed to use it for what he says is a big boy sauce. Oh, the boy sauce! No, what? The boy sauce, which did ultimately take down this man

next to him. You sure that's a man? I think that's a little boy. Well, I mean, he is wearing a sailor suit, a diaper, and the rigor mortis is such that he cannot let go of the grip of this giant lollipop he has in his left fist but this this man is 63 years old huh i guess coroner maybe it's just my my name is roger yeah coroner maybe it's just my grief talking but i probably look pretty healthy to you right your veins are like neon blue would you believe me if i said oh sorry you think i'm i didn't say anything do you think I'm... I didn't say anything. Do you think I'm beautiful? This is not the question I thought you were going to ask me.

Do you think I'm beautiful? What I can tell you is that you need to see a doctor. I don't need to see a doctor. I don't know if it's sepsis. I don't know. I've honestly never seen anything like this before. But you're getting warmer. Okay. I have a review. if you can believe it uh this is for the ultimate pumpkin carving kit with 10 pop-out stencils one star from donna no last name donna donna donna now our gay apparel. That's very good.

Donna now our gay apparel. A little too early. One star. I love Christmas. It could be Christmas in October. The title is product I received doesn't match. And then a lot of ellipses. Oh, how many?

Six. That's way too many. What you have pictured does match the product I receive. Now, here many? Six. That's way too many. What you have pictured does match the product I receive. Now, here's the thing. Now, here's the thing. I'm going to guess that she meant doesn't because what you'll see in this review is that there's literally like almost nothing wrong. So I'm going to just give her the benefit of the doubt

and say that it does not. But I'm going to read it as written because that is our job here. That is our job. We are journalists. What you have pictured does match the product I received. Just this past year,

I got my fiance into my love of carving pumpkins. And this year, we put forth the effort to find an awesome carving book. And success. It has his favorite, Grim Reaper, and my favorite, a witch. It arrived today. And I met the delivery man halfway up my driveway,

just beaming with delight, knowing exactly what he was delivering. Planning our trip to pick out pumpkins whilst en route, dead focused on this man's hand. I don't know if I made eye contact. I ripped it open to find my shattered heart and hope for an awesome pumpkin this year. Womp womp. Oh, well.

Womp womp. All caps womp womp. So when I first read this, when I found this review, I didn't read the title at first. So all I saw was just her being like, I've been so excited. I get to carve a witch. I'm so pumped. Everything's perfect. Everything's great. Womp, womp.

And I could not for the life of me understand. And then I saw the title that I imagined that there was a typo. And is it the product? Is it just like normal looking? It's just like knives with the- Sorry? It's just like orange handle. Well, so here's what happened.

So she did ultimately post a photo of what she's got and it looks like what was offered um what is donna what is but you know what i think it was yeah no i don't understand i'm looking at i'm looking at the photo she posted and no you know what it does it's different it is different to be fair there's no stencils there's no stencils and that's what she meant when she said she was excited for the witch specifically the witch stencil grim weeper and my favorite a witch did you say grim weeper just that i did not mean to do that i think you said grimwim or Weeper. I did, but I didn't mean to. Gwim Weeper. Gwim Weeper.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Gwim Weeper. I love the, I finally got my fiance into like my passion. I finally browbeat my husband. Yeah. Into really getting into my hobby. That is very much a seasonal hobby. Also, I love that it's like, she's just gotten him into this and she's like showing him the stencils.

And he's like, oh, my favorite Grim Reaper. I'm like, how does he have a favorite if he's just us looking through? All right. You're sitting at the table. Okay, honey. So it's finally October 1st. Sorry. I just, I just need to, sorry, just sending an email. All right. Sent the email out of office, auto reply.

I am on vacation. Long weekend. You're all mine. Long weekend. Famously October 1st, long weekend. Yours and Digby's. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?

Okay, now can we focus? Sorry, can we focus? Yeah, sorry. So, it's finally the day that I'm getting into you. I'm getting you, getting into you. Getting you into. Hey, we'll see where the night goes. We'll see, probably not.

We're getting you into my favorite activity of all time. I can't believe it took me only eight years, only eight years to get you to get out of office to get you to get your full attention. Well, I don't know if that's a fair. I slapped down like the stencil book. Whoa. Wow. These look really cool.

Really cool. How about life changing? How about you're going to scare the shit out of every kid on this street? How about you're going to impress yourself by how well you can carve without ever having done it before? What do you mean pretty cool? Okay, now you're putting the expectations pretty high on my ability here. I don't know why you would. Well, any man that I pick, obviously, is going to know how to carve a pumpkin.

Any future husband, oh mine. By the way way this engagement has been five years long and we're kind of waiting on you right right anyway i was just thinking that you could finally do a hobby with me for once maybe you get into an activity that i want to do for once you're right you're right and you know when you said you wanted to start a cat cafe and i supplied all the capital for us to rent that space. To be fair, that was less of a hobby and more of a business venture. No, absolutely.

Absolutely. And when you said you were going to, quote, get really into looming and I bought you that loom so that you could weave and it has sat in the attic. Dustin, you could throw as much money at me as you want. But what I'm asking for is for you to participate in something with me. Right. And I would have thought, again, I would have thought that when you said

you wanted to get really into couples counseling, meaning you and I as a couple provide therapy services to people and I got that certification and, you know, we did all that stuff. I thought that that was going to be the end of it, but then, no, no, no. I couldn't be clearer.

I couldn't be clearer. I want you to carve pumpkins with me because it is my favorite thing to do in the world it, but then... No, no, no. Well, I couldn't be clearer. I couldn't be clearer. I want you to carve pumpkins with me because it is my favorite thing to do in the world, and I want to share that with my favorite man in the world. And you are the love of my life, and there's nothing I want to do more than carve pumpkins with my... Oh, certainly not get married because you have been... We got engaged, what, five years ago? Who's going to get married in October?

Not me. Okay. So let's carve a wedding. It doesn't have to be in October, but it maybe could be this calendar year. Well, okay. Who's going to get married in November. Not me. Okay. So let's carve a wedding. It doesn't have to be in October but it maybe could be this calendar year. Well, okay. Who's going to get married in November or December? November could be nice. I don't think so. Everyone's already traveling for Thanksgiving and so it doesn't really make sense to expect

them to travel again for a wedding. But then you're like, oh, who's going to get married in January? Who's going to get married in January? Nobody because it's New Year's. And then you're like, oh, who's going to get married in February? Well, Valentine's Day is kind of a main star of the show there. And then I say, okay, how about's and then you're like, oh, who's going to get married in February? Well, Valentine's Day is kind of a main star of the show there. And then I say, okay, how about March?

And you're like, not March. And then April, you're like, oh, Easter and everything. Like, I don't know if that's going to be the thing. Right. And I floated June

as a possible month every year for the last five years. And every time you say, no, I need to go birding. And so you disappear for a month and you come back. But you won't come with me. That is me asking. That is an ask for you to go birding with so you disappear for a month and you come back you won't come with me that is me asking that is because i have to work i cannot take a whole month off work just

to for you to come back and honestly you come back with sacks of feathers and i don't think that's birding what do you mean you've never been so you wouldn't know right but my understanding of birding is that you're not supposed to harm them. And you come back with pillows of the thing. I don't harm them. Again, Dustin, you literally Babe, babe, babe. You don't come birding with me so you don't know what birding is. Again, it's because I can't take a whole month off work.

I'm not grabbing them out of the air. Okay, then how are you getting them? Because I don't have the agility. You're not flying up there to their nest. No, of course not. So how are you getting them? Are you trapping them? No, I'm not trapping them. You wait for the sick ones, the ones who can't fly. You're bringing sick bird feathers into our house?

Yes. No wonder you had sepsis last year. I'm fine. Yeah, because you took those antibiotics before it was too late. Did I say antibiotics? Anyway, let's carve some pumpkins, babe. Let's put all this like. Fighting and baggage.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You and I are going to get married. At some point. And I am going to carve a pumpkin with you. Tonight. You promise both of those things?

I promise that both of those things. You promise we'll get married at some point? At some point. We will be married. And tonight. I'm going to carve a gosh darn pumpkin with you god i love you and i love you now what you gotta understand is that you can carve whatever you want but knowing that you're a bit of a novice i would recommend you following one of the stencils from i couldn't agree more stencil me mama okay papa now here's the thing

you can open the book you just flip through you got a ghost you got a zombie you got the grim reaper my favorite what's that grim reaper he's my favorite i'll do him he's your favorite yeah i love that guy let's i'll do that one He's your favorite? Yeah, I love that guy. I'll do that one. That's my favorite. Just to be clear, you said you've never carved pumpkins before?

I feel like I heard you saying that yesterday, that you've never done it. Well, no. I mean, I think I did it a couple times as a kid. Not in the last 15 years. Not in living memory, no. Let's not do this anymore are you serious you're gonna make this like this well it's like i just want it because you can't i wanted to introduce my pumpkin cherry you don't want to do it anymore yeah i mean you don't have to be cross but yeah no i mean it's

ridiculous it's you're being ridiculous i'm not being ridiculous i want to introduce you to something and so now i look stupid for bringing something. It's like for bringing this into the space of being like, I'm going to bring you to the wonderful world of blank. The last time I did it, I was probably 10. I mean, you know, years and years and years ago. Like, I could barely tie my shoes the last time I did this. Like, you... You couldn't tie your shoes at 10?

I was really tall and I had short arms. You were really tall. It wasn't about dexterity. It was about, hey, you know I don't like to talk about how I used to be really tall. Look,

I don't want to be a burden to you and make you do something that you've already done and that you already know how to do really well. I said I am excited to do this. I made a promise

that at some point we will get married and tonight we're going to please. Tonight we're going to what? What did you just say? Carving Pompiton. Tonight we're going to party Compton. Compton Pompiton.

Carving Pompiton tonight. Come on, babe. You're being silly. Yeah, I'm your goof guy. And you're my messy messy mama. So let's get along and carve these fuckers. You really mean that? I mean it. We're going to do this tonight?

This and so much more. Okay, well, I call the witch. You would. What? No, you'd love, you're always like putting witch stuff around the house. You would? Right, babe, you love witches.

That's all I'm saying. So you think I'm a witch? No. you think i'm a witch for continually bringing up wanting to get married you think i'm a witch for making you do this any of that before sorry i'm a witch for forcing you into an activity that you've already tried and didn't like because if you really liked it you would have been doing it every year instead of pretending that you didn't know how or it had no interest i never pretended i didn't know how and the interesting like you did cut cut to halloween a couple years ago oh what do you have to be oh my god oh my favorite activity in the world is carving pumpkins at halloween time do you we should you know I have an extra pumpkin out in the garage.

I can grab one for you. Bring it back. I wish I could. Oh, are you busy with work? No, not even. I just. I don't know how. What?

I can't even figure it out. How? Oh, it's really easy. I mean, they have step by step. They have stencils. I could teach you. They have stencils i could teach you they have stencils yeah no i don't know how cut back so was that even true no you might have been true about that but i don't i don't know i dustin what's really happening with you okay okay because you are being crazy today cards do you have sepsis no i don't have sepsis yeah i haven't been fully honest with you you've been fully faithful to me is that what you said honest is it honest sorry okay i'm

just a little paranoid have you cheated on me no at any point in the eight years doesn't have to be recent no god no it doesn't have to be recent even when we were first started dating were you did you ever cheat on me no because that would make because that would mean i guess i was kind of hoping you had cheated on me oh my god God. I can't believe this is happening. Because then we would be even. Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening. No.

I can't believe this is happening. My stomach is going to fall out of my ass. No, babe. What did you do? It's not. It's like, so. Oh my God. Remember the other.

Oh my God. A couple years ago, it was. The other couple years ago. I remember the other couple years ago. The other couple years ago was October. And I had that big project. I remember the other October. And I had that big project. I remember the other October. And I had that big project at work.

It was the biggest project you've ever had. I know. I was managing all those many, many parts. And I was coordinating so many different aspects. There were so many meetings. There was more presentations than I've ever done for any other project. And shareholders were on my ass. I remember that.

They wouldn't get off so they decided to help me a little bit with they put emily on the project with me just to help you sleep with emily no i didn't i didn't sleep you kiss her no i didn't was it emotional cheating were you in love with her it was late one night dustin i literally am with her? It was late. One night. Dustin, I literally am going to throw up. It was late one night, okay? Oh, my God. I can't believe this is my life. My mom wasn't right.

Wait, what did your mom say? No one has ever been engaged for five years. Stop. Yes, and so many people have. Your mom is such a liar. Anyway, it was late one night at the office abby and i we were up there on the 13th floor and it was october and there was a little chill in the air and oh my god no no if this is finishing up the presentation and you and i had just the counseling business had just failed and and and

you didn't want to counsel couples with me anymore. You were about to go on your birding thing. About to go. I go in June. I wanted some company. I was about to go. Oh, so you prepped for eight months? Yes, you prepped for eight months, dude.

Wow, now you're duding me. Okay, fine. Tell me about Emily. Tell me about how you fucked Emily. I didn't fuck her, but I did. We went to a community center. No, Dustin. It was a few blocks away from the office.

Dustin, you didn't. We didn't mean to go in. We were just walking to the train. Oh my God. And then I don't even remember who saw it, if it was Emily or me, but we saw a flyer. Just be honest. You remember.

You remember. Okay, fine. It was me. I saw the flyer and it said pumpkin carving. And I said, huh, pumpkin carving. And Emily said,

that could be cute. We could do that. I'm going to kill her. No, no. I'm going to kill her. Too late. What was it? The sepsis? You're late what was it the sepsis you're too late she got sepsis and anyway cut a long story brief we went in and we carved a pumpkin and it was like the

scene from ghost where she was behind me and she held my hand and she taught me how to carve a pumpkin and i did the grim reaper design which is why when i saw that one i said it was my favorite but babe that was it meant nothing she died of sepsis so soon after it wasn't ever anything do you understand how that's worse because now i'll never compare to the woman who died from sepsis. It wasn't good. It wasn't good. It wasn't... Carving pumpkins with you, I bet, is better.

But I wouldn't know because you've never done it with me. So let's do it tonight. Let's carve these things. I suddenly am not feeling in the Halloween spirit. Babe, babe, babe, babe. I'm gonna go birding early this year. no no no no it's only october i'm gonna find a bunch of sick birds getting ready to leave for winter but they won't be able to fly that's so fucked up just just do me one thing just do me one no seriously don't don't walk out

don't walk out what i turn around what what what one thing can open that pumpkin right now open that pumpkin okay carving into the top pull out the stem what's in there guts and seeds under that under that uh the rind of the pumpkin keep digging what do you see our table our table is under all of that under the table you don't need to dig a hole through the pumpkin through the table no taped to the bottom of the table what is that it's a note what's it say it says says happy halloweeny to my queenie i love you and the ps yes i have sepsis babe i'm not long babe i'm not long not long let's do it let's get married babe before it's too late it's too late happy halloween some of those bird feathers you brought made me sick as hell. I got sepsis out the ass right now.

We got to go. We got to get this marriage done. Otherwise, you'll make me a liar twice over. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. I feel like I have sepsis right now. Yeah, okay. Here's another one.

Here's another review or whatever. Oh, here's another one. Here's another review or whatever. This is for... Pumpkin carving kit tools Halloween 13 piece professional heavy kit carving stainless steel double sculpting tool carving kit the important thing to know about this one before i start reading the review is that it's one that comes with like a zippered like hard shell like case for the oh yes yes so it's like a little nicer it's twenty dollars a little nicer a little nicer than what you're gonna find in the grocery store exactly two stars from Will G. Will Goulter.

Will Goulter. Probably a set that was returned? Overall, I did like the kit, and it was probably the easiest time I've ever had carving a pumpkin. The various tools, especially those for the smaller details, were well-received by my family as well. Now, I'm fairly sure my kit had been used and returned.

When I opened the case initially, there was a game case for Mario 3D All-Stars, which was unsurprisingly empty, but for a moment I got my hopes up. 3D All-Stars. Which was unsurprisingly empty, but for a moment I got my hopes up. I found it a bit odd, but the tools themselves looked fine, so

I didn't think it was worth trying to get a different set. However, when I was carving my pumpkin, one of the tools literally snapped off and almost slashed my hand fortunately it didn't break the skin but it was a tool i had barely started using and definitely didn't put enough pressure on to have it snap and go flying overall i did like the tools but i'm left unimpressed since i didn't even make it through a single carving session without losing a tool

i'm a little unimpressed because i didn't even get the mario game that i was nearly promised when i opened the bag you made me think that i would get mario 3d all-stars but then it was empty almost certain that it was used and returned it's like what is the other scenario in which someone's just at the factory doing the finishing touches and they drop their copy of Mario 3D All-Stars into the case. It's like, do you know geocaching? I do. That's like a really intricate geocaching. It's just a note. It says we have to order this pumpkin carving set on Amazon.

That's crazy. that is so fucking funny that is like i mean then there was a whole story about how this person almost like cut their hand i nearly slashed my hand but it didn't break the surface so it's like did you nearly it didn't break the surface but also i didn't get mario all-stars and i don't know which is worse being the near-death experience or being promised Mario All-Stars and not getting it and not getting it stop

that's wild it's somebody at the doctor thanks for seeing me doc yeah of course Somebody at the doctor. Thanks for seeing me, doc. Yeah, of course. You know, I'm just glad I had an opening today.

A lot of people are in with sepsis. You should just be careful to wash your cuts. Yeah, well, that actually is kind of why I'm here. Oh, no. Ever since my knee replacement last week, I started out feeling pretty good. But the last the last couple days i've just felt really like fevery and sick and well i'm gonna tell you right now it's amazing that you're up and walking you should still be in bed or no i mean seriously no doc doc my knee is fine my knee is totally fine i mean that's what's so weird knee's fine, but I just feel really sick.

Have you taken a COVID test? Yeah. Positive. Put your mask back on, please. Okay, okay. But I swear I've had COVID like four times before this. This is five. And this does not feel like any of the other times.

Okay, well, can you tell me some more of your symptoms so I can get a better idea of what's happening? Yeah. So, A, can you tell me some more of your symptoms so I can get a better idea of what's happening? Yeah, so A, there's a fever. Okay, fever. Is it sweating? Are you achy? Yes, both of those. Both of those. Okay, okay, okay. How's your vision? Blurry. Blurry. And your sense of balance? Oh, I keep falling over. over oh be careful for that knee i know right um have you noticed any hair loss huge amounts but not explain the bald patches

but not where you'd think oh okay then never mind the bald patches was there before that was there before i'm talking about my pubic hair. I understand. My pubes. And any kind of change in brittleness of your nails? What nails? I mean, they fell right off, dog. Okay. And what's your...

Well, I'm no orthodontist, but I can see your teeth are a little discolored. These are dentures, but I've had these. Okay. So, well, you should maybe get them color corrected to your mouth because those aren't great. I think it looks good. Listen, you kind of have every symptom that you can have for any disease you could ever have. Well, you didn't ask me about my, the noise. I'm sorry?

You didn't ask me about the noise my knee makes. Oh. noise. I'm sorry? You didn't ask me about the noise my knee makes. Oh, um, is it making a clicking noise? Is there something happening in it? Not quite a clicking. It's hard to explain. I'm afraid you won't believe me. Come on. I trust you. You know, you are my patient. If you're saying you're experiencing something, I believe that. Thank you, doc. That means a lot. I guess the best thing to do is, and I know I have COVID or whatever, but could you just show me, could you put your ear near my knee? Absolutely. Okay. When I move my knee, there's a weird noise. Tell me if you hear it. It's a knee. Oh, my God.

Okay. All right. I'll immediately lean back. Get me out of here. You can stop moving. You can stop moving. Did you hear that? I think he said, get me out of here.

Yes. Okay. I am so sorry. I know exactly what happened all of these symptoms line up is it sepsis is it sepsis i can tell you with absolute certainty it is not sepsis oh what a relief i've been my wife was so sure it was sepsis i've been freaking out all week it is not sepsis let me bring you know the person who did your knee replacement um dr robertson is our newest doctor just fresh out of residency and i think there was a little bit of a mix-up and the replacement that he did and so i'm gonna bring it's perfect i mean i'm walking seven days later

it's not there's no issue it's not the mix-up the knee itself was great but dr robertson has kind of a he just he's he's a strange one and he'll often exactly let me bring him in and he'll explain okay well how's it going hi dr robertson hi again well hello How are you feeling? How's the knee? The knee's great, but how am I feeling? Not great. Dr. Robertson, can you please not do the David S. Pumpkin's voice for like 10 seconds? Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I just, you know, it's Halloween and I felt like, you know, how's it hanging? Yeah, we know the sketch. I don't know that sketch. It's so funny. If you go to YouTube.com and you look up SNL, it's Tom Hanks, if you can believe it. Tom Hanks is in an SNL sketch, and he's playing this guy.

Tom Hanks? Yeah, it's really funny. And he's like a scary guy, but he's not scary, and that's his whole thing. Me and Tom Hanks actually have kind of a lot in common. Oh, really? Like what? We we both have covid or had covid he had it once i've had it for put your mask back on please i've also got a son who doesn't who's very racist on the internet dr robertson we brought you in here because you did it again what did i do no no i didn't oh you

did it again i think i have brain fog is it No, I didn't. You did it again. Sorry, Dr. Robertson. I think I have brain fog. Is it too early for brain fog? No, it's not too early for brain fog because every symptom is completely lining up. Dr. Robertson, you did it again. Oh, come on. I know, but I thought it'd be funny. Wait, what did he do?

I thought it'd be funny. Wait, what did he do? I thought it'd be funny like Tom Hanks on funny i thought it'd be funny like tom hanks on snl i want to be like that i want to be a funny guy you can be a funny guy at home but you're a doctor and so when you do we need to fix this you put mario in the knee again i know i did but i thought it'd be like i thought it would make him laugh if he had a little game in there that he could just take around. My blood is on fire. Please take it out. Are you sure?

Because if I take it out, then you won't have that little Italian plumber running around your kneecap anymore. Will my knee still walk okay? It'll be fine. It just won't be as fun. That's all I needed. Yes, that's all. Dr. Robertson, he doesn't need a a funny knee and you can still be a funny doctor but you just can't keep doing this take him out please take him out cut to in surgery

scalpel scalpel what was that i was just doing a little voice. It was kind of like a character I'm working on. It's like, what if it was a doctor, but it was also like a little chipmunk? Sorry. Anesthetic! Sorry, I'm the anesthesiologist, and I don't know if we've worked together before, but this man is really ill, and so it's quite dangerous to have him under right now.

So if we could make this as fast as possible, I mean, this this is quite dangerous what we're doing because he again he's quite ill highway to the danger zone what is that it's from a little movie have you ever seen top gun top uh maverick oh the first one but you know? I think they actually do have that song, the second one as well. Oh, I saw Maverick. I took an Eddie before, so I don't really remember it. No one here likes a joke. No one here likes fun. What? Sir, this man is, doctor, this man is really close to death. Can we please just-

You guys just take it out. You guys know what you're doing. No one wants me around. I'm an anesthesiologist. That's a nurse. Oh, Dr. Robertson isn't funny. Nobody can do it except you. But like- You're really funny funny just take the fucking thing out

you're really funny dr robertson you're so funny but this man is on he's gonna die doc he's gonna die if you don't take mario out of his knee okay fine no one likes comedy here anymore i guess opens the knee takes out it's like a nintendo ds game card fine it's out stitch him back up that's not how it works with knees you don't stitch a knee bone you put you put the whole cartridge was so embedded in his knee i mean it's it might be hours of reconstruction now he might never walk with that leg. Did I do that? I think you might go to jail, man.

Did I do that? You might have really fucked up. That's kind of like a reference from just a little famous TV show. That's Urkel, right? Yeah. Yeah. Finally, someone likes my comment. Cut to his trial. Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand Dr. Robinson.

Maggie the cat. Dr. Robinson. Please! Don't put me behind bars. That was a little Who Framed Roger Rabbit for you. Jury, I rest my case. Sentence to death. They bring back the death penalty just for this fucking guy.

He dies of sepsis before they could execute him. Oh, beautiful, because he put Mario in his body. Just a little normal scene. A normal scene. We ended it normal because it had been too normal before that. We thought it was normal to bring back the death penalty into an improv comedy scene. We did one scene about an old young man

who ate a hot dog covered in body wash. Then we did another scene about a woman who kills birds. Do you have time for one more? Yeah, I got time for one more uh yeah i got time for one more this is love in usa pumpkin carving kits 14 pieces halloween pumpkin carving tools durable stainless steel professional pumpkin carving set for kids adults halloween jack-o'-lanterns i'll never get tired of really verbose amazon product titles it's just like they to come up with a better solution to SEO than that. This is five stars from Gail W.

Gail. Gail. Gail. Gail. Gail. No, I've got it. It's going to be funny. You've got it.

Gail Wars Fins. Gail Wars Fins. It's like Gail Force Winsesus christ five stars the title of the review is my granddaughter loved the kit and the final product parentheses the pumpkin and parentheses came out as she wanted it to now here's the review the pumpkin carving kit was a hit with my granddaughter she enjoyed working with the carving kit and making the scary face she envisioned. Oh. That's a cute pumpkin.

What are you drawing, Tabitha? Um, well, I just, I'm making kind of like a scary face for Halloween. Your brother did a kitty cat. I liked that. Kitty cats are kind of for babies. I want to do something that's going to give the whole block of fright. Oh, you don't listen to her, Jermaine. You go back to your kitty cat. Now, you want to give the whole block a fright. Yeah, I want to scare everybody on this street.

Okay, well, let's brainstorm. Yours looks like, so far, some kind of face. Am I right? Yeah, I'm trying to make the scariest face. Because the scariest face I can imagine is an old, old woman. Huh. That's the scariest thing you can imagine? Well, not just that.

She's old. Like, older than time itself. And she's got bags under her eyes. And the bags have bags. And the bags that have bags have bags. We get it. We get it. We get it. Yeah, we get it.

And if you had to put a number on that, how old is that? Oh, God. It'd be hard to because, like I said, she's been around for so many years. Put a number on it. I haven't finished explaining what she looks like. Unless, are you too scared? Is the description alone scaring you? No, I'm quaking in my loafers.

Grandma, her eyes are cataract city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. They are milky. How do you know what a cataract is? Glazed donut, Krispy Kreme style eyes glazed over. Sounds... It looks like she can see the future. glazed donut, Krispy Kreme style eyes glazed over. Sounds. It looks like she can see the future. Sounds like her, you know, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? Sounds like her quality of life isn't too great.

What's so funny is that you, forgetting the words, that's part of the kind of essence of the face is that you can see that her mind is starting to go. You know you'll be old one day. She's coming or going. You know that? If you're lucky. I'm not done, Grandma. Maybe I can

stop if we're getting too scared. Being old is a gift, but go on. Go on. Liver spots on her face. Okay, well that happens to everybody so I don't know why that's on there. Chapped lips. You have chapped lips right now. That happens regardless of age. That is not an old lady thing. Eczema everywhere. I don't have eczema. Grandma, who said I was talking

about you? I mean, Tabitha, it looks a lot like me. It's like an amazing fully hyper realistic. You're a gifted artist. And I'll be honest,

it's quite flattering. Well, that's another thing, Grandma. Yeah? When Narcissus looks into the water. No, I'm not. Narcissus loves what he sees. How do you know who Narcissus is? Narcissus is.

Oh, there it goes. Let me add a little bit of that to the carving. Add a little bit of what? The mind starting to fade. Starting? Girl. Now, let me just add a little bit of regret. Oh.

Loss. More than a little bit, girl. I'll add some more, Grandma. Heaping, smooth, full, not rounded, heaping. And just a touch of wisdom. Okay. That seems you could maybe do a dab more than a touch. It's just like a hyper-realistic, almost 3D-looking portrait.

You made me beautiful. This almost looks 3D. Grandma, this isn't supposed to be beautiful. This is supposed to be horrifying. Just wait. I'll put it out on our stoop. Well, before we put it on the stoop, let's show your brother. Let's see what Jermaine thinks.

If his kitty cat is going to be friends with Grimma. Jermaine. Actually, her name is Grimma. Like Grim Reaper Ma. My favorite. Come on, Jermaine. Come take a look. This two-year-old toddles over. Also, two-year-old, like, toddles over.

Also, two-year-old carving a pumpkin on his own. This two-year-old, like, toddles over. You know, your generation is soft. I'm glad that you guys aren't like your generation. You know how to use knives. He looks at the pumpkin, screams his head off, and just passes out. Too much like grandma for him. No, it looks...

Too real. Scary. Yes, he thought you turned your beautiful grandma into a pumpkin. That's not what he thought. He did. Nope. All right.

Put it out on the street. All the kids... It's like an hour later. All the kids are running home to their parents like sobbing, crying. They won't come to the house. I don't know why nobody is taking any of our candy. I've got the full size Snickers.

Grandma. What? You know why. Because Jermaine pissed his pants and now the house smells like urine? Nope. That wasn't why. Because they don't like you? That's part of it.

Because when you go to school, everyone calls you weird girl? No. What? Oh, sorry. How did you know that? Your teachers emailed. Grandma. They're worried about you.

Everyone's scared of you. They say you're quick as a whip, but socially, you're quite behind. Grandma, can't you see? You're an old hag. And I wish mom was alive. I've got cataracts, you ungrateful little brat! Wait till you see my pumpkin. There she is!

I knew she was a witch! You're going back to the basement with the other naughty children. Fee-fi-fo-fum! There's like 60 kids in the basement. What are you in for? Pumpkin carving. Join the fucking line.

Everyone's an incredible visual artist. Mine was a butter sculpture for the state fair. Thought I was going to win the blue ribbon. Joke's on me. Mine was an butter sculpture for the state fair. Thought I was going to win the blue ribbon. Joke's on me. Mine was an ice sculpture. Wow, all she gave me was a pumpkin. Mine was mixed media. Yeah, his was mixed media.

It was very cool. We liked it a lot, but grandmother didn't. Mine was paper mache, so my hair's got all gluey. Yeah, they got gluey then. Doesn't make sense why you're still sticky now, Rodney. He's the weird kid down here. Yeah, although it looks like he's got competition, new girl. No, come on.

What's your name anyway? Tabitha. Rank? No, it's Tabitha. I think your new name is Rank. Because you stink. Rank, Rank, Rank, Rank, Rank. No, it was my brother. It was my brother who pissed himself upstairs and that's why the house smells like urine. Lightly story, Rank. Rank, Rank, rank, rank. Look, things work a little bit different down here than they do topside. You have to have your wits about you. It's a doggy dog world.

A doggy dog world? It's a doggy dog world. No, not a doggy dog world. That's terrifying. Almost as scary as that witch upstairs. Look, you seem cool, but you gotta earn your respect out here. What do I need to do? Do I need to kill the witch?

No. Kill the witch! Everybody, she thinks she can kill the witch! No one can kill the witch! Even mixed media man can't do that. It's true. No one can kill the witch! Even mixed media man can't do that. It's true. His nickname, mine is Rank, and his is Mixed Media Man?

Right, because his was mixed media. Mine was a pumpkin. Yeah, we've already got a pumpkin, though. And the difference between you and him is you smell like piss. What do I need to do to earn respect? I think we're going to put you on water duty What does that entail? Well, there's 60 kids down here There's a lot of water

She's not going to let me back upstairs No, you have to go deep Is there a well at least? Yeah, go to the deep down, there's a well down there Goes down, there's another 60 kids On a lower level Well, well, well. Look who the fuck it is.

It's Rank from Up on the Second Floor. We sent a pigeon down. We heard about you. How do you already know about me? How do you know about my new nickname? Word travels fast in the Upside Down. Word travels fast. In the Upside Down.

When you get to the Upside Down, you understand that word travels lightning speed. It comes down the well and down here with all the other sewer rats. Word travels faster than grandmother's spoon. Coming towards your head Issuing another decisive blow Now What are you doing in our level? This is the upside down

You look like you belong in the right side up With all the other soft mixed media kids Well They sent me down here to prove myself And they said I needed to get water Oh, you think you can come get some of our water? Water duty Water duty

Now I've heard everything Can you please just have some water and bring it upstairs? Yeah, if you can reach the well I thought this was the bottom of the well She thought it was the bottom I thought this was the bottom of the well. She thought it was the bottom. She thought it was the bottom. No, this is the upside down, love. You need to go way, way, way down.

You've got to go to the deep, dank, dark. Oh, do you think she's going to make it in the deep, dank, dark? Stupid girl thinks she can make it in the deep, deep dark. No, I'll prove everybody wrong. You'll see. I'll come right back up. And maybe Grandma will even let me back in the house. We're hard down here. But we're not animals.

Take this. It's a pumpkin carving knife. Yeah. It's the best we've got. But if you're going on water duty, you're gonna need it. You're gonna need it, Rike. You're gonna need it, Rank. Go down even further, like near the center of the earth.

It's Rank. Rank, Rank, Rank. Welcome to the core. Welcome to the door. Welcome to the door. Welcome to the door. We're drills bad down here. Are you out of water, Doody? Let's do our last segment. This shook me all week long.

This shook me all week long. Hey! Shook me all week long. Normal scenes, normal scenes, normalest episode I've ever seen. That fucking shook me all week long. That's going to be shaking my fucking nightmares for the rest of my life. Oh my God. New celebrity crush alert. Uh-oh, let me guess, let me guess. Is it one of Biden's dogs that keeps biting the secret service is it major like biting come on jay leno get the fuck out of here

um do somebody crush alert yeah who is it tell the people armstrong circa 2013 oh yeah okay i was cleaning my apartment yesterday and i was listening to green day because it was that kind of mood and i'm like damn billy joe armstrong could get it but 2013 billy joe armstrong specifically right and that i think is what's so kind of upsetting about this one is that like you could have just said billy joe armstrong no because not now right but the issue that i'm taking is why then why not go back further to when he was more age appropriate no because i was looking up young billy jarmstrong and 2013 is the one that caught my eye right Right, in 2013, he was still in his 40s, though. Still!

Why not say 1995 Billy Joe Armstrong? Because, hold on, let me look up 1995 Billy Joe Armstrong really quick. Hold on. I feel like you picked 2013 arbitrarily. I did, because the photo that I found, I'm like, oh, that's a really good, yeah, see, no, I would not do 1995 Billy Joe Armstrong. It's literally 20.

It's specifically how he looked in 2013. You see, now I'm looking at 95 Billy Joe Armstrong and I'm kind of. You're crazy for that. He looks pretty good. So that's my new celebrity crush. If you want to update the theme song and add 2013 Green Day's Billy Joe Armstrong, go for it. I think we should post a picture on the Instagram. One of Billy Joe Armstrong in 1995 and one in 2013.

I think that's a great idea. And people have to vote on which they think is hotter. Hold on. I'm going to write that down to do. That's very funny. You get to pick the 2013 one and I get to pick the 1995 one. You get to pick which Billy Joe Strong do you feel is hotter? No, not that one.

He's hot. Hold on. 2013, 1995. Okay. What's been shaking you? What's been shaking me is a podcast. Wow. And I think it's a podcast you're going to like if you haven't listened to it already.

It's called Who Shot on the Floor at My Wedding. Do you know this podcast? I've never heard of this, but I'm intrigued. It's basically like there's this couple. They get married. Is it a scripted podcast? No, it's like true crime sort of parody. Basically, these two women got married on a boat in the Netherlands, I think, where they live.

And at some point during the wedding, somebody took a huge shit on the floor in the bathroom at the wedding. And because it's on a boat boat it was like a closed thing and so they have this one super funny friend who's like play is like the detective and they like interview a bunch of people who are at the wedding that is crazy try and figure out who shot on the floor it's really really funny and it's like super charming and it's just like i have to listen that's amazing it feels like a friend group you You know what I mean? Like you're getting let into this friend group that you're like, I would hang out with these people.

That's incredible. I think it's very like, my dad wrote a porno. That's, like I think, I think he would really like it. It's very, the episodes,

there's only like 13 episodes and they're each like half an hour. So it's like, it's super chunky, quick listen. It's very fun. I love that. I have to recommend. Hell yeah.

Um, before we do our plugs for socials, we have a live show coming up so soon. Buy your tickets before it's too late. November 5th, Sunday, November 5th. We will be doing review review live at the New York comedy festival at the

little field in Brooklyn, Sunday, November 5th, 5 p.m so go get your tickets there's ticket there's ticket link on headgum.com under live shows if you go to Little Field uh Brooklyn you can find it um New York Comedy Festival if you just look up review review live I'm sure you will find tickets for it uh we have special guests ryan gall and kylie brakeman you guys it is going to be so much fun it's gonna be a hoot and a half it's gonna be a blast also uh on october 20th i will be part of the head gum dnd monster massacre mash live stream um and it's gonna be a a blast. Hosted by Caldwell Tanner. He's DMing.

We've got an amazing lineup for you guys. So that's going to be great. If you also, if you go to HeadGum, you can find info for that. There's also info on my Instagram for both the Review Review Live and the D&D live stream. You can find Alfred on Instagram

at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at Review Review. You can find us on Reddit r slash Review Review. And then you can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. You can find us on Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. Um, and then you can find Jeff in my Patreon, patreon.com slash RileyAndJeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at RileyAndSpot, and on Twitter.com, now known as xxx.com, for as long

as it lasts, which I, you know, I guess I'll just keep saying for as long as it lasts, for as long as that lasts, at Riley Coyote, and as we say every single week on the show. Every week. Every week we say this. I'm Scott Covett about it.

Bye. Bye. every week we say this I'm Scott COVID about it bye bye bye bye bye see you next week bye that was a

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