Review Revue - REI

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Alf and Reilly see something in each other that looks something like a father/mentor figure while reading reviews on REI.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

One, two, three, four, five. Everybody in the subway said, come on, let's ride. To the horse around the corner. The boys said they want some Pillsbury baked goods, but I really don't want them. Martinelli's like I had last week I must stay deep cause Sox is cheap I like Riley, Jeffrey, Jake and Amir and as I continue you know they're getting sweeter So what can I do I really beg you my lord to me

Pumpkin carving is just like a sport Hostiles, dice, it's all good let me dump it Please set in the trumpet A little bit of Alfred in my life Osco, dice, it's all good, let me dump it, please set in the trumpet! A little bit of Alfred in my life, a little bit of Alf by my side, A little bit of Alfred's all I need, a little bit of Bardwell's what I see, A little bit of Evans in the sun, a little bit of Alf all night long, A little bit of Alfred, here I am, A little bit of you makes me a fan.

What I love first thing about that theme song is that they did my job for me. There was a fade out. There was a fade out, actually. And I really appreciate it. You could land a plane on that fade out, man. That was beautiful. And the title of the email is Amazing Theme Song for Your Ears. This listener just said, hi, please enjoy this carefully written and performed parody of the iconic pop hit Mambo No. 5. I thought it was Mambo No. 5. Right. And so what did you think it was? I thought it was Anything goes from anything goes.

Interesting. It was beautiful. It was haunting. It was perfect. Thank you so much. I was so, and I'm going to swear, so cover your ears,

little ones. Okay. Fucking scared. Why? That my name wasn't going to be in it. Because there was that verse that was like, Riley, Jeff,

and Jake, and Amir. I saw your face. When they were listening, just kind of like the core head gum people, you're like, oh. Core head. The core four.

Jake, Amir, Riley, and Jeff. Core four. Shut the fuck up. You're like, oh, but what about me? The core four are as follows. John, Paul, George, and Ringo. Alfred, the father, the son, the Holy Spirit. The core four.

The core four oh my god it's like what is it what are we doing what are we recording an episode without a studio audience this is weird it feels so this is our first episode we've recorded since our live show and if you haven't listened to it we put out the live show in podcast form if you want to go take our our wildly successful live show it was a blast you know if you weren't there you'll never know how just how funny it went like yes you can listen to it and it is good and you should and you should listen to it if you haven't already but it'll never be the same as the palpable energy that was in that space it was i literally after the show i was talking to daniel i'm like wow to do improv uh in front of an audience in front of an audience

hits different huh hits different what a rush to actually hear a laugh after a joke like my god um it was so much fun thank you so much again for people coming out. It was like, that was amazing. Thank you to Ryan and Kylie again. That was just, that was such a blast and New York in the fall. I mean, my God. And the team at Littlefield,

you guys were great. Yes. It was a, it was an awesome time and we're going to love to do it again sometime. And now we're back in our home. Let's settle in for cozy season. The weather has changed. It's chilly in LA now. Oh,. Let's settle in for cozy season. The weather has changed. It's chilly in LA now.

Oh, and it's cold in Chicago. Al, freemy teeny, what's been new with you since we rode the high of our first live show and now in the come down, what's that been like? This has been the hardest week. Yeah, speak on that. I was in a middle seat on my plane back from two hours two and a half hour flight uh not even yeah two hours um middle seat though um and i was okay and i was boarding the plane um and the person you know scanning the boarding passes she goes traveling by herself as i'm scanning my

boarding car and i have my headphones and i'm like sorry excuse me what's that say that again and she goes are you traveling by yourself and i was like you're not a child yes i am like yeah i am then she goes do you want an upgrade and And I go, oh, could have led with that. Absolutely could have led with that. But yes, I would like an upgrade. Hands me a new boarding pass. It's not an upgrade. It's just a different seat.

It's one row ahead and it's a middle seat. Oh my God. Wait, did you have a middle seat before? Yeah, it was a middle to a middle, but just one row up the plane. I'm like, don't call it an upgrade. But imagine if it's like you were all the way back to the plane middle seat.

Do you want an upgrade? And it's just, or no, if you had like a window seat upgrade middle seat what the fuck it's like you moved me so that like somebody could sit next to their partner or something you didn't move it wasn't about me that was that's traveling alone lonely guy lonely guy i've never i've traveled alone many times and i've never been asked oh traveling alone traveling alone i think they could just tell oh kind of just by like your energy by the smell yeah the smell the smell of the smell of vision there was a moment on my flight back because I had a six hour flight home um what did you stop in Newfoundland why didn't it take six hours because that's how long it takes from New York to Los Angeles I thought they were quicker than that I thought it was like four and a half five

no it's it's faster going the other way. It doesn't matter. There was a moment. So it's like I was on the window seat and then there was a couple sitting next to me, a couple probably around my age. And there was just a very sweet moment. Like a 32, 33. No, like late 20s, you absolute piece of shit.

There was this moment where so all three of us at the same time were watching cartoons on our respective phones and so we had our tray tables down i was watching the latest season of big mouth the girl next to me was watching hotel transylvania and her boyfriend was watching anime and it's like we didn't we literally spoke not a word to each other but when when the when they came down with like drinks and snacks i didn't say anything i didn't ask for pretzels but she just like they they got made sure to get me a pack and slid it down to me and then we all it just felt like snack time at recess like we were all like we each had like our diet coke and ginger ale and our little mini bag of pretzels i'm watching our cartoons and it was just like very sweet and i loved that um so that it was a nice flight but then it was just, like, very sweet. And I loved that.

So that, it was a nice flight. But then it was, like, after a certain point, I love Big Mouth, but I'm like, God. Six hours? Big Mouth? I watch, so, and Big Mouth is only 30-minute episodes, and so I watch, you know, like, six episodes of Big Mouth. Oh, my God. And I'm like, oh, well, surely we must only be

an hour away from L.A. And I check and it's, like, another four hours left of, like, you we must only be an hour away from L.A. And I check and it's like another four hours left. I'm like, you've got to be fucking joking. I just listen to podcasts, listen to audiobooks, do the crossword. Time flies. Time flies when you're having fun. Time flies when it's only a two-hour flight. Yeah.

Only four episodes of Big Mouth. What if that was how everybody – how long was your flight? Oh, it was like 13 big mouths i watched maybe i think i watched like 10 or 11 episodes of big mouth i'm sure you got off the plane and you were super normal after that yeah um but we're not here to talk about big mouth although i wish it could season seven was very good um they're not on season seven yes they just came out they only have one season left I thought it was over already I didn't realize

they go to high school in the last episode oh my god that's crazy I know it's very good but we're not here to talk about Big Mouth no but we are here to talk about a place where I've had a big mouth where I've talked a lot

doubtful I'd love to hear that story if that's true no I didn't talk shit we're here to talk about a place where I've had a big mouth, where I've talked a lot of shit. Doubtful. I'd love to hear that story if that's true. No, I didn't talk shit. We're here to talk about a place that, in the way that big mouth is magical and long and winding and filled with possibility. So true. So is our topic today.

Wow. We're talking about REI. Have you ever, like, when someone's's like asks you how to spell your name or you're like riley like the outdoor store do i use that voice or do is that what i say both um i've never compared it to the outdoor store but i have that's like good but i have passed by and people are like oh that's like your name and i'm like yeah yes but i've never i've never i whenever i say i say it's like it's like the it's like the last name o riley and that's how people better contextualize it oh oh oh o riley get out of your system and spa yeah do that a lot when you're so alf talk to me about re REI. And if you guys don't know what REI is, it is a camping and outdoorsy superstore co-op. Okay, picture this.

I'm wearing a mask. It's green. The green mask from the Jim Carrey film, The Mask. Oh, I thought you meant like a COVID-19 mask. And I go, REI, cause I gotta. That's very good. R-E-I. cause I gotta. That's very good. REI. Cause I gotta.

I love the mask, man. I wish you were doing the mask. We're not doing the mask. Talk to me about REI. I think I've been in REI one time just as a spectator. I think I was with somebody who was buying something. I don't think I purchased anything myself. I didn't know somebody at one point who worked for REI as like outdoor instructor, you know, kayaking because they do like experiences and stuff, which I guess I didn't know about REI.

But, you know, I love to go outside. I love a hike um but i honestly i don't think i've bought anything outdoorsy not on the internet in like so many years interesting you know what like backpack like uh you know i guess like hiking boots i would probably go to an actual place like rei to buy but i have hiking boots i've had for so many years. Like, I don't know. I guess I'm just like sustainable. You know, I don't, it's like this consumerist culture that has this buying new boots, new

backpacks. I went to REI. Okay, here it goes. I have not been. So middle school and high school and most of college, I was not an outdoorsy girl. I was an indoor girl. No, that's not true, you guys. No, it's very true. But now I love, I am more of an outdoorsy girl than I've ever been.

Let's just say that. But I went to REI to get stuff for going on location for Survivor. And I did get hiking boots at REI. And what I love about it is that it made me feel so silly. I don't know why, cause I think it's smart and good to have, but it just made me feel really silly. It was like, I was trying on different models of boots and they have like in the store, at least like the big one I went to that I have reviews for in Santa Monica. It's a huge store. I mean, like they have literally, it's like three floors. Um, or I'm, whenever I go in, I feel very inspired to be like i'm gonna be a camper i'm gonna be uh like a major hiker it's like it's like oh the potential of everything

and then i get out i'm like oh i'd like to take a walk around the block um but so when i was putting on like this huge osprey camping backpack just to go parallel park your car in a different spot so i put on the boots and they have like these like plastic rock kind of like terrain formations. You have never, you will never. And so I was like walking around on this like, you know, uneven terrain that they have in the store as if it's like, oh, how does it feel? And it was just so funny. I don't know.

I was so, because it's like, I went with my mom. It felt like back to school shopping. I went with my mommy and I had like a hot coffee in one hand. And I was just in like my normal LA, just like clothes I wear here with like a coffee cup and then fucking like intense hiking boots on this plastic rock. And it was just very silly. But I love an REI. I mean, that poor rei

like those staff are probably just like every day is the same thing it's somebody coming in with a hayley bieber smoothie being like i'm supposed to go hike griffith park observatory it's either that can you or can you get me people who are really like really in really in it. I'm going to do a 50-mile ultra marathon through the desert. And also the people who worked are very, very nice. And, like, at least in this one location, they were all very nice. And, like, checking out, they always ask, like, so what are you using this for? What trip are you going to go on? Like, what are you going to do?

And I did hear, like, people around just, like, talking about this, like, really intense about this like really intense like going on a 50 mile trek like all this stuff like people are really out there doing it also i saw a lot of camping gear for dogs and that was very exciting to me not that i have a dog or that i would need to buy anything like that right now but it was very sweet i see there's like this race that happens in like. It's called the Amazing Race and it's on CBS Wednesday nights. No, it's like a foot race in, or should I say a hoof race, in somewhere in the Southwest where people like run like a marathon against horses or maybe it's like an ultra marathon.

Maybe it's like 40 minutes. Never heard of this before. Some insane distance and half the people's like an ultra marathon. Maybe it's like 40 minutes. Never heard of this before. Some insane distance and half the people are like runners running it and then the other half are people on horseback. I've never heard of this. That's insane. It was like a few years ago the first time a guy actually beat

the horses. Was it you? Stop. I mean I don't. No I'm saying is this your way I mean, I don't know. I'm saying, is it this this year? Way? I don't kiss and tell. But I was making out with a horse at the finish line. They don't call it a finish line for nothing.

Oh, God. Let's get into our reviews. We didn't know Riley. Oh, Riley. Alfred. We have something to atone for. We do. We do. We do. We do. Guys, we you. We have something to atone for. We do. We do.

We do. We do. Guys, we forgot to set an intention at the live show. We didn't set an intention at the live show. And every person in the audience had a terrible time because we didn't. Thank you for reminding me. They didn't laugh at a single joke because the whole time they were thinking, but they didn't set an intention.

They didn't set an intention. They didn't set an intention. We need to set an intention. We need to set an intention. Thank you so much. We do have to atone for that. What's it going to be though? Honestly, I think it's going to be the most equine

episode because you were talking about the horse race. Okay, but I will say we did do a horse episode a couple months ago. That's true. I guess it's going to be the most crunchy episode. I don't mean that in terms of the granola stereotype. I literally was thinking about crunchy leaves. It's fall. That's true. I guess it's going to be the most crunchy episode because I don't mean that in terms of like

the granola stereotype. I literally was thinking about like crunchy leaves. It's fall. You're hiking. You're stepping on a twig. Please stop stereotyping granola. Anyway,

I think it's going to be the crunchiest episode yet. I think I agree with you. Do you want to start us off with our first review? Or should I? Do you have a preference? Between you and me?

I could not care less. Just between you and me? Just between us girls. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I did that. Boston University School of Theater. If you attended the Boston University School of Theater between the years 2008 and

2022, you know what we're talking about. You're entitled to compensation. What's growing in your garden today, Raleigh? What if there was something to worry about? Jesus Christ. Literally narrow casting to an audience of eight people.

All of whom we know personally. Okay. What would you like to start? I'd love to start, but first I'd like to fart. I knew you were going to say that. I literally, I was about to say that because I knew you were going to. This is what happens when we talk like eight hours a day and then we expect to do a podcast. Aw.

Okay. I've got a five star review. Both of mine are for the REI in Santa Monica, California. This is five stars from Stephanie L. Stephanie Laser. Stephanie Laser. Five stars.

Do you ever feel like this shows making you less intelligent? Oh, yeah, that too. Five stars from Stephanie Laser. This place rewards and fosters individuals' enthusiasm and passion to a degree I see rarely in corporate America, and it is so freaking cool. What? I have varied interests by comparison. I'm not particularly proficient at any specific sport or athletic hobby, but I enjoy dabbling, which is why I love REI. I can always rely on them for truthful, honest guidance.

The people employed at REIs have a cult-like enthusiasm and devotion to specific interests. I do not mean that to be pejorative, but complimentary. Their interest and knowledge is open to you. REI employs them because of their excitement and know-how. When I was looking for hiking boots, I went to two different REIs. I don't recall the rationale at the time, but both employees had tons of wisdom on my selection based on my individual feedback and also information and recommendations

on the socks, no less, too. It left me with confidence in my purchase that completely translated to satisfaction when I started using my hiking boots and loved them. REI rocks. They're also a co-op, so they reward your expenditure too, which is pretty damn cool. Why was it written like a YA novel? When it's literally just like, I went to the store, they know what they're talking about.

And yet you have to call it a cult-like enthusiasm. But I mean that as a compliment also it's a it's the first line that really pulled me in of like it fosters individuals enthusiasm and passion to a degree i see rarely in corporate america and it is so freaking cool hey anything i can help you with jay oh hi. I am going camping with my boyfriend, and it's kind of embarrassing, but I'm not a super outdoorsy person. So I'm just kind of trying to figure out, like, you know, the basics of, like, what, sleeping bag or hiking boots. You know, just kind of like a basic starter kit for a city girl like me. We cater to all levels of experience here at REI, okay? You don't have anything to worry about.

Oh, thank you. I am Trish, by the way. All right. My name's Alex. So, Alex, I feel safe in your hands already. Not to get ahead of myself, but on the bottom of your receipt today, there will be a questionnaire. If you want to go online to that URL, enter to win a $10 gift card if you just fill out the survey, ask about how your experience was. Oh, sure. but not to get ahead of myself yeah i guess it remains to be seen well so you are looking for a sleeping bag you said

yeah yes all righty if you just follow me oh my god there's so many floors it's like it's like willy wonka's chocolate factory except nobody's getting in, nobody's going to drown in the chocolate river here. Yeah. Because of our life vest selection. And you won't be eating gum that turns you into a big blueberry here either. Yeah, no. But do you see if the blueberry flavored

kind of like runners goo packs? Yes, it's gum and it's goo and it's got caffeine and it's got all the electrolytes you could ever want. Would you be interested in adding some of those to your cart today? Oh, no, no, no. I'm okay. Wow, this is like, not going to lie, Alex, this is a lot.

I mean, like, I really thought I was just coming here for like a simple, you know, sleeping bag and some boots. But this is like, people get really into this stuff. Oh, yeah, they do. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're a beginner, right? Oh, very much like even beginner, beginner, like a pre-beginner. Right. But you did, you read the intro materials.

Intro materials to the store? Yeah. When you went online, you saw the pamphlets and the intro materials. You read those. Oh, I actually, I have not been to your website. I was just kind of walking down the street. I'm like, oh, I saw the R.A.I. And I'm like, oh, my Oh, I actually, I have it up on your website. I was just kind of walking down the street and I'm like, oh, I saw the R.A.I. and I'm like, oh my God,

I actually need to get stuff. Oh, that's fine. I'm so sorry. Was I supposed to do homework before shopping? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's literally fine. We'll just add them to your cart.

You can read them when you get home, just like we would ask that you read them, you know, before you hit the trail or anything. Just gives you some beginner advice, like tips, kind of info, like kind of guidance. So, Oh,

like hiking advice. Absolutely. And that's largely applicable. Um, you know, broadly, uh, so sleeping bag,

sleeping bag, sleeping bag. So how long have you worked? Oh, sorry. No, you go. You're five,

six. Oh my God. Yeah. Like exactly. Okay. And you're probably cold sleeper right um did did timothy like come into the store before and like give you a fact sheet about me because you're nailing me to a t yeah i'm five six and i'm a freezing frigid sleeper no you shook

my hand earlier and i and i near my hand nearly got frostbite um our extra fluff down sleeping bag um it's rated for arctic temperatures um it is the actually the sleeping bag that ernest shackleton used um when he went ernest shackleton um he was the first explorer to go to the um uh north pole uh or the south pole it's lost to time the records don't we don't really know which one he went to first or at all wait so then how do you know how do you know that this is the one that he well and again if you'd read the intro material this kind of stuff would be kind of you know i wouldn't have to be going over this um but does that one look okay to you was about hiking well it is and it's also some stories that can give you guidance on how to live your life.

How to, you know, it's like, you know, they're allegories. Would you? And so I'm so sorry to interrupt again. Yeah. So would it have been more helpful for me to read up about all of this before coming into the store? I think that's almost certainly true. I'm so sorry. I honestly, I had no idea that they were like prerequisite materials Trish Trish

buddy can I call you buddy uh you can call me call me whatever you like as long as you don't call me late for dinner um yeah I think you you seem really bright you have an energy that's like palpable in the store in a store sorry you say palpable in a store in the store like i think some of my other associates have been walking me you know on my earpiece and saying like who's she i haven't seen her before you should talk to her get her get you know i'm looking around like oh my god you guys just because you can't see them doesn't mean they can't see you. Do you want to maybe do a class? Oh gosh. Instead of having to buy

and like look through all the materials, like what if we just did a class? Well, I do need to buy the materials because I do need to go camping. So it's like, I do need to leave with materials. But if you take the class, you'll know what to buy. And you won't even need me.

Oh, old Alex be out of a job if you take the class. No, no, I've got, I'm so what to buy. And you won't even need me. Old Alex, be out of a job if you take the class. No, no. I'm so bonded to you now. I can't possibly go anywhere without you in the store. Okay, that's fine. No pressure. You don't have to take the class. Nobody here is going to make you take the class. Well, I feel like if I don't take it, you're not going to let me buy anything. What gave you that impression? Chestnut? Cut to the class. Okay, all right, everybody, welcome to Camping for Beginners 101. My name is Hillcrest.

My birth name is Stacy, but everyone here gets their favorite trail name. Yes, yes, you in the front. My birth name is Stacy, but everyone here gets their favorite trail name. Yes. Yes. You in the front. Yeah. I was just here to... My son, his bike had a flat tire. I was just here to get a new flat tire. Oh, perfect.

Okay, darling. Why don't you come on and take a seat there? Do I have to take the class to do the bike? Because you said camping. Yes, everybody. I'm just trying to get the bike. Everybody has to take the class. If you want to leave here with a service or an item that you would like to buy, you do

have to take the class. No. No apologies necessary, hon. That's all right. You take a seat. Sir, are you okay? No, yeah, I'm fine. You have tears rolling down your little face.

No, I'm excited to be here. Excited to be here what? Sir. Ma'am. Ma'am. That's what I thought. Sir, I need you to drop and give me 20 everyone's like what why she never does okay yeah sir i need you to drop and give me 20 yes ma'am yes ma'am someone raised their hand uh yes you darling you in the front hi um i'm i just i'm misunderstood i thought this was like we were learning how to camp. Oh no, you are absolutely going to learn how to camp.

You are going to learn how to pitch a tent. You are going to learn how to start a fire. You're going to learn how to boil water. You're going to learn how to identify poisonous leaves, bugs, plants, anything of the like. And you're going to learn how to get a little respect and to give a little respect around here. Because the most important part of camping is your manners. So that's what this gentleman in the front was absolutely missing and now he'll i'm done i'm done i'm done what i'm done ma'am

with my push-ups ma'am all right you can sit back down okay now what did actually sergeant sergeant actually soldier soldier everyone's like what the fuck you come up here why don't Actually, Sergeant. Sergeant. Actually, Soldier. Soldier. Everyone's like, what the fuck? You come up here. Why don't you tell the class about what you learned from doing those push-ups right now? Yes, ma'am. Hello, everybody.

My name is Dylan. Tell them your name. My name is Dylan. I did those push-ups because I'm a piece of shit. I did those push-ups because I came in here to fix my boy's bike without ever knowing a damn thing about camping. And that was my mistake. And I won't make it again. That's

exactly right. Good man, Dylan. Why don't you take a seat now? Yes, ma'am. Oh, whoa. That was really fucked up. Psst. Psst. Yeah? Yeah? What? Trish, right? Yeah, how did you know that? Your name tag.

Oh, sorry, yeah. Learned a thing or two being in here. It's my third time taking the class. They make you retake the beginner class? I keep failing. Oh my gosh, well- It's totally subjective. It's an oral exam and they don't give you a rubric. Oh my god.

Honestly, I just came in here for a sleeping bag and some hiking boots. Okay. If you want my advice... Please. Let them think you have no money. If they think you have money, they'll fail you and fail you over and over again. But then I'm not buying anything. That logic doesn't make any sense.

No, they'll keep you here because every time you retake the class, they charge your credit card again. What? Yes. How much money have you spent on this class? Close to four grand. Oh, my God. Okay, enough chit-chat. Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am, in the front, what is your name? Trish, right? How did you know? Your name tag, sweetheart. Oh, I keep forgetting. Trish, right? How did you know? Your name tag, sweetheart. Oh, I keep forgetting. Trish, keep up. Trish, I see you and Dylan have a little whisper. Whispers, secrets, secrets are no fun.

Secrets, secrets hurt someone. What were you two talking about? It was my fault, ma'am. I'm the one who started it. Don't be a hero. Don't be a hero. I started it, ma'am. I'll do the pushups.

Don't worry, Trish. I'm used to it. Oh, Dylan wants to be a hero. Is that what's happening? No, I was just saying it's my fault. And number one rule of REI school is take accountability. So I was taking accountability. You know what?

Dylan makes an excellent point. I think a lot of people here are not living by the REI requirements. So why don't we all chant them together? Yes, ma'am. Because we're all, I think everyone's getting a little loose and forgetting what we stand for and what we need to live by. Rule number one. Take accountability, ma'am. Take accountability.

Rule number two. Don't take shoes off. Don't take shoes off. This is a shoes on store, ma'am. Number three. Pitch a tent and pitch it good. Pitch a tent, pitch it good. Yes, ma'am.

And four, and arguably the most important rule. No snacking. No snacking. No snacking in class. No snacking in the tent. No snacking in the store. No, ma'am. You want to be eaten by a bear? No, ma' tent. No snacking in the store. No, ma'am. You want to be eaten by a bear?

No, ma'am. I didn't fucking think so. No, ma'am. Okay. Dylan? Yes, ma'am. I know you want to fix your son's bike. So badly, ma'am.

I know. I know you need to fix your son's bike. Two Christmases in a row he's not had a working bike. But ultimately, my darling, you know what I'm going to ask you, right? No, ma'am. You just made it worse for yourself, Dylan. What, ma'am? What did I do, ma'am? You couldn't read my mind in that moment, darling.

You need to drop and give me a hundred. But, ma'am, my arms are so tired and weak. Drop and give me one hundred. Could I just have a little bit of water or a bite of granola first? The room falls dead silent. Just a small snack. Trish, I'd ask you to please keep your mouth shut. Just a little snack.

Dylan, we just went over the four rules of Ariadne. Nature Valley. Something crumbly. Something bad that nobody likes. Nature Valley? I'll even have- Not only are we not snacking in the class or on the campsite, but you want to have the most crumbliest- No, I just meant-

Gritty, itty bitty snack of all? No, I just meant- A Nature Valley Crunchy Bar? I'm so sorry. Alex? Is Alex in here? Yeah. Yeah? Take Dylan out back.

Um, yes ma'am. To the storage unit. Everyone gasps. Dylan, I'm sorry. Dylan, I'm really sorry about this. Wait, wait, where are you going? Where are you taking him? Trish, trust me. He's a lost cause. Are you going to kill him?

Oh, my darling. It's so lost cause. Are you going to kill him? Oh, my darling. It's so much worse. Are you going to kill him? Trish, what the fuck? What kind of question is that? Are we going to kill that man? God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

We are going to, you know, make him do a little something for us. You know, a little tit for tat. He disrespects me in class. He's trying to get a snack. He's not doing his push-ups. Trisha, Trisha. You have to be punishment. Trisha.

It's just Trish. It's not Trisha. Trisha, Trisha. What? What? Marcel, look under the seat. You'll find something. Look under the seat.

Oh. What is that? What are you? Tr is that what are you trish what are you trish get back in your seat god all you lot are incorrigible today i'm i'm sorry um uh can i go to the bathroom can you can you go i don't know oh i don't know trish can I don't know, Trish. Can you? May I? Alex comes back from dropping Dylan off at the storage unit. I'll take her, ma'am. Good man. Trish, why don't you go with Alex? Okay. Out in the hallway.

Oh my god, um, I think I'd like to go home. Did he give it to you? There was an envelope under his seat. I don't really understand. Okay. Trisha, we don't have much time. What do you mean? When I saw you, when you walked into the store this morning, I feel so bad about what I had to do,

but I saw you and I knew that you were the key to getting us all out of here. Key? What? I started as a customer. What? Three years ago, I came in looking for a camelback. One of the ones that has the water bottle in the bag and then the tube that goes to the front. Like a little... That's a camelback, yes. Yeah, yeah.

Well, no, the camelback is a brand. They also have water bottles. They have an extensive line. If I'd like to just show... No, no. Trisha, seriously. Take the envelope. In the envelope, you're going to find a key. The key show... No, no. Tricia, seriously. Take the envelope. In the envelope, you're going to find a key.

The key is... Oh, so I'm not the key. The key is the key. Well, you are the key and you have the... Tricia, we don't have much time. In the key, you're going to find... In the envelope, you're going to find a key. The key is to one of the storage units. In there, you're going to find Dylan.

I locked him up. He has a kayak. The two of you are going to- You locked him in there? You and Dylan are going to get in the kayak, and you're going to go down the chocolate river, and you're going to get out of here, and you're going to tell the world what you saw. Well, we have to take you.

No, no. I'm a lost cause. I got to- Alex. I'll keep him off your back. I'll keep him off your back. Thank you. Yeah. I'll keep him off your back I'll keep him off your back Thank you Yeah I'll tell everybody

Hey Trisha Yes? Maybe I'll see you on the trail someday Probably not This has taken any excitement and joy away from camping that I ever had in my body And there wasn't much to begin with If I make it out of here,

which is so unlikely, I will probably never go outside again. Cut to news. It's like they're wrapped in the trauma, like tinfoil blankets. Dylan and Trish.

Dylan! Dylan! Trish! Trish! Over here! Over here! Channel 5! Dylan! Dylan! Channel 5! Yeah, yeah. What kind of horrors did you see in the REI on Santa Monica? Oh, I think it's very interesting that you want to... I'd like to... They made me do push-ups. Oh, oh. Yeah.

That's strange. Trish, Trish, Trish, Trish! Yes, yes? Trish, what was it like running... Escaping down the chocolate river? And no one's seen that. And it's been an urban legend in this town for years. Oh, it's very real.

It's sickly sweet. And deep and wide. I've never seen anything like it before in my life. I'm just grateful we made it out alive. Guys, were you scared for your lives? I don't know about Dylan, but I got nervous there for a second. You guys, I think it's important to remember that life is a little bit like pitching a tent. You know? You gotta make sure your poles

are straight, your line is tight, and that you don't eat, you know, snacking in the tent. He passes out. Fizzled. Sorry, guys. This is all. They don't have any more time.

No more questions for today. Wait, wait, wait, wait. One last thing. Yes. Grab a camera in my face. Alex. Alex B. He's in the REI.

And I think I love him. And I just want to let you know that we're doing all of this for you he started as a customer and he's an incredibly incredibly talented salesman but he is being trapped in there

by Hillcrest and Alex we're doing this for you we're gonna get you out I swear to god cut to a beach Alex is sitting on a huge sun chair,

watching this on his iPad. Oh, I got out. I got out big time. Fly free, you beautiful bastards. How did he get out? It's easy. It's in the storage. Just like a model beach.

Hillcrest walks in. Get the hell out of here. Get back to work. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. And we're back. Would you like me to read a review for an REI store for our podcast? I would love that. I would love that.

I would love that. Okay. This is for the REI in Nashville, Tennessee. This is from Adrian T. Adrian Troddy. Adrian Troddy.

How many stars? One star. No. You have to wait in line to look at shoes. Crazy. I drove two hours for that. Why do I do this to myself you have to wait in line to look at shoes crazy i drove two hours for that it sounds like i think you should leave line why do i why do i do this to myself

it's like it's like something about taking a line personally it's like you have no control of that oh my god this is so me i keep falling into this toxic habit and it's just like he was biting me i know you and me both you know trying to go to the grocery store Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Who do we think we are, huh? Yeah, who do I think I am? No, I mean, last year you should have seen it. The wife and I, it was morning, Thanksgiving morning. We were hosting Thanksgiving.

I realized no cranberry sauce. You should have, you sauce. The wife was not pleased with that one. Yeah, but I bet when you went to the store, it was smooth sailing. You walked right in, you bought the cranberry sauce, but there might have even been a self-checkout. Not at all.

It was Thursday morning, the morning of Thanksgiving. There was one store open in a whole town. I was in line for a good hour and a half, but honestly, you know what Thanksgiving with the in-laws is like. I was grateful. You were in line for an hour? Why? Do you want to get a coffee sometime?

Oh, sure. Yeah, man. You look... I just feel like... No, I just feel like you're not seeing yourself the way that we all see you. And I just want to make sure that everything's okay. No, I'm great,

man. You know, it's like every year, my wife, she's a nurse. She works, um, you know,

late on the weekend before. And then, you know, I'm a contractor. So it's just like, it always gets scrambled. We're always doing the shopping last minute, but you know,

I wouldn't trade a thing about my life. I'm not talking about your life and I'm not talking about your life, and I'm not talking about your wife. What I am talking about is you're subjecting yourself to wait in a line for an hour and a half. I know. What does that say about you? Well, with the Amazon Fresh pickup with the Whole Foods or the Instacart,

there's so many options. I don't know why I do this, but hey. Hey. It's a living. Take my hand. What? You're sweating. Your heart is racing.

Yeah, I mean, I had an extra cold, bro. As your life coach and as your friend. Oh. I know I'm not officially your life coach. I know I'm just your football coach. But something tells me that you need a little bit more help than just on the field. Sorry, I... Are you here with somebody?

What's that? Are you here with somebody? Today? Just me. I'm sorry. What do you mean? I mean, I have a wife and she's here with me. She's just she's grabbing eggnog.

So. I know you have a wife. Right. You called me coach. I'm your football coach. I don't think I called you have a wife. Right. You called me coach. I'm your football coach. I don't think I called you coach. I'm like 90% sure I did not call you coach, dude. I think you're just a guy I met in the grocery store.

I really don't. When in the conversation did you think I called you coach, man? Because maybe this is on me, but i really don't think that it is because let's wind it back we were talking right right at the beginning of our conversation you said coach i think I said like man dude guy friend buddy I really no I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do I thought I had a new purpose

do you like do you coach I mean is that something like in your history did you think I was one of your players so why would you assume that you were my football coach just cause players so why would you assume that you were my football coach just because i called even if i had called you coach because you're pretty jacked you're pretty jacked i work out yeah i have a very physical job throws a pigskin around i did play in high school you're not off base say so. You can understand why you call me coach.

I can take that on. God, hell, what I would give to be your football coach. God. I volunteer the Little Brothers Big Sisters program here in town. If you're looking for a mentor. No, I don't want to coach kids. It seems like you're hurting for mentorship. Okay.

Adults. Yes. Okay. Well, I'm sure we can. You. i okay i play in a little league softball not little that's not what i want i want softball they want i want to coach an adult tackle football community league i don't know if there are any of those. I mean, I've certainly never heard of it, but I mean... What are you doing this Christmas? On the day itself?

Yeah. We're going out to the suburbs with my wife's family. Not anymore. My name is Bill Bunce, by the way. Okay. I know you're thinking, Bill Bunce, why don't you coach baseball or softball? No. That's not how it works.

I was mainly thinking, why are you- What's your name? I'm Alan. Alan Christmas Day? The fields are going to be empty. No, I'm not. Yes, right. I'm not going to do that.

That is the perfect time. No, I'm not doing that. I've been really nice to you. That's a perfect time. This whole interaction, I've been really, really accommodating. Alan, sweetie, come on. Sweetie. We have to load up the car.

Okay. Yeah, sorry. This is Bill. Hey, how you doing, little lady? Oh, please don't say that. This is my wife. Is Roxanne. This is my wife. Is Roxanne. This is my wife, Roxanne.

Roxanne! Yeah, no, she gets that a lot, man. Yeah, like the song. Roxanne, did you know that your husband is built like a brick house and he would be the best defensive linebacker you've ever seen? Do you know football? The way you just said defensive linebacker was like a guy who's never talked about football once in his life. Well, I guess I was just assuming you were qualified to coach an adult rec football tackle football league.

But you said the best defensive linebacker. Like, freaking words out of a hat, man. Well, I guess what's your question? Like, have I watched a football game? Sure, let's start with that. linebacker, like, faking words out of a hat, man. Well, I guess what's your question? Like, have I watched a football game? Sure, let's start with that. Or, like, do I know about it? Either. It's hard to answer that.

No. Very easy. Hey, Roxy, um, you got the, um, you got the fucking the vegan eggnog. The vegan eggnog for Stacy. It's our son's girlfriend. She's obsessed with this vegan eggnog. I don't know.

I don't know what part of me reads, I give a shit about your son's girlfriend. Every part of you. Oh, my God. You seem desperate, hurting, lonely. You need a family. I need a family on the field. I don't need a family on the field. I don't need a family off the field. Roxy, can I, excuse me, Bill, can I talk to my wife for a second?

I don't know, can you? I fucking hate this guy. Alan, who the fuck is that guy? Do you know him from somewhere? Well, I thought I did. At first, I thought he was my old football coach but turns out he's just a stranger named bill um bunts i think he said um but i'm not 100 sure that's his real name um sounds incredibly made up he's trying really hard to get me playing

an adult rec tackle football league on christmas day oh my god do you think do i think that you should join a tack football league on christmas day just this one year babe i mean you know i do think you you you have like all the time you know when we're watching football together as a family you're like oh what i'd give to be back out on that field right right and let's be honest what am i missing out on a christmas at your parents well place? Well, I was gonna say, I guess you could wait until maybe after Christmas day. No, no. Your dad hates me. I thought that you

thought this guy was a crazy stranger. He does, but he's giving me the opportunity of a lifetime, babe. The chance to get back out there to hit some guys, to crack some skulls on the field again. Alan, Alan, I don't like hearing you talk like this. You haven't talked like this since high school.

You're right. And you're my high school sweetheart. Yeah, I am. And you're my high school sweetheart. I was defensive linebacker all state. And you? You were my perfect drummer girl in the band keeping time like no

other excuse me are we are you guys done with that marital conversation yet marital conversation it's just I don't know why he had to specify Bill what's up champ

do you have any do you have any other guys signed up i can get some feels like you came up with this idea right now standing just outside of a kroger stay close sweetie stay close don't talk to the man don't talk to the man hey oh fuck hey champ no no we're fine we're fine thank you no we give online we give online i'm not i'm not asking you online i'm asking for your time disappear into the store god damn it huge guy comes up whoa hey hey hey hey hey adonis. Hey, Hercules. Hey, hey, Dwayne the Rock Johnson. No. Sorry.

No, not today, man. No, I'm not going to ask for money. Seriously, man. I'm not asking for money. Not today. I want to coach you. I don't need that. I want to coach you.

I don't want that. I don't need that. You could be the best quarterback in the world. What? I already was. Well, who's to say you can't do it again with a bunch of other adult men who are friends? I left that life a long time ago, man. I sell real estate now.

But what if he came back? No, no. Your talents could be so better used on a field for fun on a weekend. Is it so hard to just ask for a fucking autograph? Why do you have to do it this way? You weird little guys are all, and I don't mean to bring up your size, but you guys are always like this. Always. Obsessed with talking about me.

Like, I'm just like a fucking piece of meat. I'm not talking about you. I hate the game. You want to hear that version of the story, man? I hate the game. It's terrible. I got chronic pain. Fuck you.

I don't even know you. I'm Bill. What the fuck was that? Tiny guy comes up. Hey, Bill. Oh. Hey, Bernie. You're coming home anytime soon, or are you're gonna stay out here all day? Uh, I think I need to stay out here for a couple more hours.

I got a big fish on the line, I just gotta reel him in. That guy seemed pretty mad at you. Yeah, I could say that again. What do you want, Bernie? Mom's getting pretty anxious. She has my phone number, she could text me herself. She's been pretty anxious. She has my phone number. She could text me herself. She's been texting you. Oh, I guess I have it on Do Not Disturb.

Yeah, right. You popped out about three hours ago, saying, oh no, oh no, we forgot the cornucopia, we forgot the cornucopia, but... Well, we did. No, Mom had one. You just couldn't find it. But Mom had it, and she told you she did. I think you just wanted a reason to leave the house.

I'm trying to build a community right now. Sorry for trying to do that. Sorry for following a dream. Dad. Some guy in the store yesterday called me coach. And from that moment on. Dad. I knew I had to do i believed you i really do i wish he did he we were standing in line together dad this is made up this is a fantasy you need to start living in the fucking present he said a sad sad little man crazy how long the lines are nobody

no but who why would somebody say that? What would be the circumstance, Dad? Because he saw something in me that felt like a mentor and father figure who got to push him to the best of his abilities. Can I be perfectly honest? Yes. I'm ashamed of you. I feel the same way. You're ashamed of yourself?

No, I'm ashamed of you. Alright, you're a sad, sad person. I'm gonna go. Walks into the store. No way, he thought you were going home! Excuse me, sir. Whoa. Do you mean coach?

Because I think you do. No, I just have a deep voice. I'm pretty average-sized. Could I... Sorry sorry i'm the general manager here name's duane could you please fuck off uh what's that you're harassing like every customer not every customer just kind of big guys no yeah yeah i mean but it has an effect um and i'm not gonna hit sit here and argue um You have two choices. You leave now, right now, peacefully, without a fuss, or I'm going to have to escort you from the premises.

What about a third choice? No. I leave, but I get your number and I get your availability for every Saturday for the next three months. I'm not going to disclose that personal information. You can have the store's phone number if you like. Can I just say, just looking at you, I'm building a to disclose that personal information You can have the store's phone number if you like Can I just say, just looking at you I'm building a team

I'm building a group of guys And on this team, it happens to be a football team And based on the looks of you You could be a pretty good running back You don't know a damn thing about football. I've never seen it, but I've heard great things. All right, fuck off. I'm going back to the store. We've got one more for you. This is the one star review of the REI in Santa Monica on 3rd Street, I think. It's from Austin H.

Austin Hutler. Austin Hutler. One star. That sucked. Nope, we're doing Austin Hutler. One star. This REI is a shit show. Customer service in the store was horrible.

Other stores are much better for customer service. It took me 90 minutes to try on snowboard boots and check out because they were so understaffed. The cashier, Kevin, was combative, berating me for wearing the snowboard boots, that I was having heat molded onto my feet, saying it was a security risk because I could walk out of this door with them on. Well, did I? Or did I wait 30 minutes in the freaking checkout line to purchase them? Kevin then tried to have a 15 minute conversation with me about REI membership and his own personal snowboarding journey with my receipt already in the box.

I did not care. Just let me pay and leave. What does it mean? I was having heat molded onto my feet i was wondering the same thing and i what does that mean my guess is that yeah it's like a thing to do with snowboarding boots because at first i was oh yeah it must be where like you put them on and then they like blast them with a heat gun or something, and so they shape to your foot, maybe? Blast them with a heat gun?

I'm just spitballing here, man. I'm not a shoe guy. You sound like Bill Bunce talking about football. They probably just blast them with a heat gun. Berating me for wearing the same boots that I was having heat molded on my feet. Or maybe the inside of the shoe, like with the heat, it started to form to the foot welcome back to our podcast um where two people argue about what something might be in theory that we could solve

by googling in two seconds i mean because at first the review what stood out to me was him being like he tried to have a conversation with me about his own personal snowboarding journey but now i'm it what's really sticking out to me is that he got mad at me for having the heat molding onto my feet. Are you Googling it? Do you want me to? No. Okay, then I won't. It'll live a mystery. This is what life

was like before the internet, okay? You'd have to go to the library, get your encyclopedia out, look up snowboard shoe heat molding, okay? If it wasn't there, you'd have to ask the librarian for a different reference. You know, the Dewey Decimal. All these things are things that Gen Z doesn't know a damn thing about. But for me, it was my life.

Mr. Stevenson, you know, thank you again for coming on, uh, on Ted radio hour. I guess it's like, what was so interesting about you and your work is that, I mean, like you have hundreds and thousands of listeners to your podcast and to your Instagram and Tik TOK lives viewers every single week. Yes. And a lot of your mystique, a lot of your allure is you present questions with no answer. I guess my first question to you that I would like you to answer is, how did that start for you? You know, when I was a kid, I had a lot of curiosity about the world, you know, and I was a God-fearing child. And we would go to church and there were a lot of questions asked. And, you know, there's so many ways where we don't know the answer. Right. And so you're doing it.

He's doing the thing. That's so fun. I guess, no, for this specific interview, I would love to hear an answer about why, you know, you bring up certain natural phenomena. You bring up, you know, scientific questions, you bring up questions about art, literature, and then you just kind of leave them open-ended. Well, I guess I'm wondering what that impulse is. Is that you putting in, you know, beauties in the eye of the beholder? Are you putting like, you know, encouraging people to look up their own answers? I'm really giving you a lot of softballs here

Mr. Stevenson no of course I mean are you Um are you Um familiar with the concept of the ship of Theseus No I'm not right right so Um you know have you ever seen the Mona Lisa Once I went on my

My honeymoon yes in person you were There at the Louvre. Yes, yes. Right, right. And it's a very small picture and huge crowd clamoring around it. Huge crowd, yeah. Mm, mm. Yes.

This has been all the time we have for this week's TED Radio Hour. May I ask you one question? Yeah. I'm getting paid for this? Unfortunately, yes. Amazing. Cut to him getting home.

Oh, honey, how was it? How'd it go? I don't know. I feel like I whiffed it. What? No. Oh, my God. Charles, you did not whiff it.

I'm sure it was great. No, babe, I just... I don't think I should do like these mainstream interviews like that. Like it's so obvious what I'm doing. And I think I think I put myself in real danger when I when I you know what I mean of like upturning the whole scam if I go on like a show like that again. Well, I listen, I disagree. I think that you have a message to share i think you're a really enigmatic figure and why all press is good press right i mean i agree i agree also you're being paid a lot and that's why we can live in this place that we do well and that's yes exactly to your point like you know the more exposure i get the more supplements we can sell

the more supplements we can sell the more cars i can buy you know the more you and the kids you know we can we want for nothing you know and and you and i are partners in this so i and i trust your judgment but i i just think i feel like we don't need that kind of exposure. You know, exposure that makes me look... I don't know, silly. Well, did they ask really embarrassing things? I mean, Ted Radio Hour is pretty good at, you know, like... Well, he asked me, like, why I... how I got started. Oh.

And did you tell them the church story? Yeah, I mean, I said, you know, when I was a kid there was a church and we would go. I was a God-fearing child and they would ask questions. Exactly! And you're telling me that that answer wasn't satisfactory to them? I mean, would that be a satisfactory answer to you? Well, I

mean, um, I don't want to offend, but, you know, in the years we've been together, I guess I realize now that I don't know that much about you, as much as I thought I did. No, Kitty, my life is a fabrication. But it's all a bit, you know, it's all part of the mystique. But they don't buy the supplements because they think it's a bit, they buy the supplements because they think it's real. So what are you saying? i'm just saying like maybe i feel what you're gonna come clean now i just feel bad like i'm i'm defrauding people i couldn't

what you're at first you were like oh i shouldn't go on these kinds of shows because i they're gonna they're gonna unmask me and now you're saying you feel bad? What is it, Charles? Well, I think I don't... Kitty, I feel like I don't like going on the shows. Because the shows force me to question myself. And force me to come face to face with what I'm doing. Which is convincing desperate, lonely people that my boner pills are going to do a damn thing. When you and I both know that they're about as effective as just taking a damn thing. When you and I both know they're about as effective

as just taking a Tums. If it would heal your conscience to come clean about your real life, to really share why you got into this, to really share what's going on, maybe people will admire that radical honesty and buy more of the boner pills. I don't.

It's worth a try. I think that's naive, Kitty. Then I don't understand what you're wanting. I don't understand what you're trying to do then. Because you know what I think? You know what? The man I love would hop on Instagram live right now on his one phone, put a TikTok Live on his other phone,

and dual livestream him sharing the personal, real, honest, gritty details about who he really is. But before I do that, I needed you to make me two promises. Okay. The only promise thing I can keep. One, that you'll still love me after you hear the real story. Of course. You are the father of my children. You are the love of my life. I don't know your middle name,

but I know that. And second, that you'll still love me even if I don't have boner pill money anymore. Why don't you hop on the lines? Why don't you hop on the lives? You didn't make... Why don't you hop on? I already have it pulled up. And three, two, one.

Beep. Hey, everybody. I did not think that the day would come where I have to make this video. All the comments hopping in being like, Bonerpill guy. Yeah, we love it. It's so good to have. where I have to make this video. All the comments hopping in being like, Bonerville guy! Yeah! We love it! It's so good to have!

Come to Brazil! No. That's, yeah, absolutely. Cannabis King 312. I would love to come to Brazil. Flooded. Come to Brazil! Yes, I'd love to come to Brazil. If you guys would have me, that sounds like a treat.

Me and Kitty and the whole family. We don't get you, but we want to to come to Brazil. If you guys would have me, it sounds like a treat. Me and Kitty and the whole family come down, but that's not why. We don't get you, but we want to get you to Brazil. Right. Well, yes. I mean, that brings me to what I'm really here to talk about today. A lot of you guys know me by a certain name, a name that I've been using for my whole career as an influencer. For some reason, all the captions, Mr. Stevenson! That's right, Mr. Stevenson, Mr. Stevenson. Come to Brazil! I have to come clean about something.

Come to Brazil and get clean in our beautiful waters. Sorry, I'm turning comments off for a sec. It's too distracting to have all this stuff about Brazil, because I've been lying to you all. That story you've heard a thousand times of me and the God-fearing boy and the questions about the Mona Lisa and Socrates, all of it,

it's fake. My real name is Douglas Adrian Smith. This surprised me with my wife. She didn't know my middle name until this very moment. And,

um, the real, the real story is that I was working in middle management for a logistics company, tracking shipments of, um, well, it was mainly protein.

It doesn't matter what the shipments were. And I was sick of it. And one day I went online and I was looking at I'm not proud of this, my wife. This was before I met my wife. I was looking at pornography.

Oh, Douglas. And I saw an advertisement for boner pills. And I thought, I could sell that. Fucking hell, I could sell that. So I made up this whole lie about church, about the Godfrey boy, about the questions,

and the whole thing got away from me. And before I knew it, I was flying around the world with DJ Khaled. I had a boat i had cars i had a beautiful gorgeous wife and two wonderful children who i love more than life itself and it was all built on an empire of selling what was mostly dust from the bottom of like you know when you finish like a box of cereal it's mainly that. And, like, some mushrooms that I don't think do anything.

My dick's never hard. There has been, really. Pills didn't work for me, probably won't work for you. I think you should turn off the... We have a lot to talk about. Dick's small, too. Turn off the line We have a lot to talk about. Dick's small, too. Turn off the line. Small and soft.

Someone hacks the comments. All cats, come to Brazil! I'm not going to be coming anywhere. On account of my soft flask... Douglas, turn off. Turn off the lines. This is ridiculous. Turn it off. Everyone in the captions,

our dicks are never hard either. You know, I got Brazil. I got the Presidential Freedom Medal from Joe Biden last week for fixing ED, curing it, they said. That was a lie. Someone requests to go live with you. Yeah. Hop on in. I don't know who this is.

Who is this? What's a username? Hey, man. The username is BigDickBenny212. with you. Yeah. Hop on in. I don't know who this is. Who is this? What's a username? Hey, man. Username is BigDickBenny212. And you really inspired that in me. No. Listen, man. I think I could speak for everyone

in the comments that we love you. Your mystique is why we love you. And now you're even more mysterious because we don't know why you lied about your entire upbringing. It was to make money. But what we do know... There's no mystery. Okay. It was to make money money you know what cheap scam and you all fucking fell for it because you're dumb and you're desperate none of our dicks have ever been hard right that's why you don't buy we don't buy the pills to get hard we've tried them and they don't do anything why

do you keep buying them they taste delicious man that's because they're just cereal exactly also you shouldn't be tasting them. You should just swallow them. Have you all been crunching them? Yes. You never notice they just taste like fucking fruit loops? They taste delicious, and they give us the hope that maybe one day

we'll have big, rock-hard digs for seven hours straight. They won't. And also, too long. You would need to go to a doctor for that. Come to Brazil. Okay. You buy my- No, you can't just up and go to Brazil.

Me and Kitty are coming to Brazil. We won't be coming there. We love you. Never stop grifting. Fuck. I just want to say, this community, these fans,

has been life-changing. The fact that you're open and honest about your scam makes us love you even more. It's so fucking powerful because I actually have a new product that I've been working on. What? And this one does not work at all. Oh my god, I can't wait. What is it? You know,

at the bottom of a thing of peanuts, how there's like peanut dust that will like make you choke the minute you eat it? Don't I know it. I put that in a little capsule and I tell you it's good for ADHD. Brother, when we're all hanging out in Brazil, we're going to be popping those pills like it's nobody's business. We're going to be so focused. We're not. Our dicks will be soft and our minds

will be wondering. But we'll be together. And I'll be rich. Douglas. I'm taking the kids. Okay. You're fine with that? This is all still on live? Everyone's like, whoa.

Are they not coming to Brazil anymore? Kitty, I gotta tell you something. They're not my kids. Never were. But they came out of me after we, you know. Are you familiar with the myth of Persephone? And Hades? Daughter of Demeter.

Yes, what does that have to do with anything? She lived in the underworld with Hades a few months of the year, and that's how we got winter? Yeah. Right. Oh my god. you're right kids we're going to brazil okay they've been watching the thing. They've just been sitting there for this entire conversation. I hope we can see Christ the Redeemer. This will be our last segment. Following the best scene we've ever done.

This should be all week long. Riley. Alfred. What's been shaking your ass? I have something that's shaking my ass. I'm going to get vulnerable on the pod. You're going to sell your boner pills. I'm going to sell boner pills.

So I was watching a YouTube video the other day That made me laugh It was a Cuphead Devil fan cam No It was Brittany Broski reading her fanfic That she wrote in 2013 And it got me thinking It was like Twilight

But with Harry Styles That's awesome And it got me thinking Now I've never written fanfic before but what I have done and did when I was in middle school

like probably like 8th grade I just want to show what's been shaking me is remembering that I used to read Beatles fanfic and it wasn't McLennan. It wasn't McLennan. It wasn't me is remembering that I used to read Beatles fanfic. And it wasn't McLennan. It wasn't McLennan. It wasn't Paul McCartney and John Lennon romance fanfic.

It was George Ring Giorgio. No, it wasn't them being with each other. It was like the equivalent of what you'd see with One Direction. I'm just like an innocent It was like, it was the equivalent of like what you'd see with like One Direction. Right.

It was like, I'm just like an innocent girl. Yes. Ringo approached me at the bar. Yes! I didn't know what to do when Ringo put his big octopus's garden hands around me. It was like, oh my God, the whole band's in love with me. They want me to come on tour with them, but I'm in high school. Guys, this is so embarrassing.

I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to pick between Ringo, George, John, and Paul, who all are desperate to fuck me, even though they're in their mid-70s. And two of them are dead. But so let me think about that. And then also the Beatles have a new song out. I'm so surprised that was being written i'm not um it also got me thinking that beatles have a new song out it's called now and then they don't yes they do yes they do they're all dead

not all of them but no elf i'm being so serious right now there There's a song that John, I think like John had written and recorded the lyrics to, and basically just using like the tech they have. Cause like they did sometime maybe in the early 2000s or something. Cause George was still alive. George, Paul and Ringo, like they got George's background vocals and his guitar and they got Paul and Ringo doing it.

And so they have that and John's voice. And so they were able to put all of this together and augment it like a little bit for John and George but it is like it's the last Beatles song that the last new Beatles song that will ever be released what is and it's it's called now and then sing it and it's uh now and then I miss you now it's it's really pretty you suck and there's a music video and it's like it's you see clips of like george paul and ringo like recording it and then it's like you know old clips of them and then it's then you just see like paul and ringo now just the two of them like it's so beautiful and sad and just like about grief and loss and like it's so beautiful so anyway i grew up being such a fucking giant beatles fan and so it was just very special there's a queen

um the band uh not the person um who holds a very special place in my heart. One of their last ever songs they did was called These Are The Days Of Our Lives. And Freddie Mercury wrote it as he was actively dying. And there's a music video where he's like totally, he's like scarily thin. But it's all about like how much he loved making music with his friends. And it's like such a sweet song.

And it's like like it's very sad but what's been shaking me riley is the fact that i accidentally placed a 400 amazon order twice last night and i woke up this morning to the realization that two of everything was being delivered to my house and i don't know what to do. I'm going to have to return it all. Yeah. It's like, and it's like things that like, there's no sense in having two of,

it's like I bought a new toilet seat because yeah, that's right. My ass broke my current one. And I was like, not about to text my landlord and be like, yeah, I sat too hard and I broke the toilet seat so i've got two of those for a one bedroom apartment that does not need uh two toilet seats i bought two like

suitcases because i my old carry-on was like so fucking broke during the trip to uh new york for the live show i was like i have to get a new suitcase so i bought a new suitcase now i got two of them like this massive amazon order of all the stuff i I was like I have to get a new suitcase so I bought a new suitcase now I got two of them like this massive Amazon order of all the stuff I've been like putting off buying um and I feel so embarrassed like and I don't know what the fuck to do

you got to return all that shit it's like my whole day tomorrow is gonna be going to Whole Foods so I can do the in person Amazon return yep fuck me um well you can find Alfred and his uh foods so I can do the in-person Amazon return. Yep. Fuck me. Um, well, you can find Alfred and his, uh, second toilet seat on Instagram

at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, Reddit r slash ReviewReview, and HeadGum Discord ReviewReview, and you can find Jeff in my Patreon, patreon.com slash RileyAndJeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com

just the web browser, not the phone app at Riley and Spa and on Twitter.com now known as xxxxxxx.com for as long as it lasts at Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week of the show, we're always saying it. Every week! We're never not saying it.

Come to Brazil. To Brazil. Come to Brazil. Come to Brazil. See you next time. Come to Brazil. Bye. What if we did a live show in Brazil? Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.