Review Revue - Renaissance Faires (w/ Scott Seiss!)

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Reilly and Alf are joined by the wonderful Scott Seiss to talk all things renaissance faires - knights, archery injuries, New Jersey, NOT Medieval Times.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Grace Harper @chorlesborkleyAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, they do it in little in restaurants for a limited time. Never dreaming that a scheming lettuce and chipotle Would poison them and make them have to blow Oh, Riley Hood and Little Alf recording a pod And listen to the podcast every second day Huh. I mean, short and sweet. That so was not the vehicle I thought we were going to talk about my E. coli. I didn't think we were going to talk about my E. coli again either. That was really shocking to me.

That was from Justin. Justin says, Hi Riley and Alf and anyone else who might read this. Also, Justin's name is spelled wrong but it was such a great song.

How did Justin spell your name? That's fine. How did Justin spell your name? R-I-L-E-Y. I hope you guys are having a lovely, unless you don't like my song, day.

That's just a little joke. Even if Alf says something mean, I hope he has a nice day. I hope this works because I'm not super sure what I'm doing. P.S. I'm sure,

I'm not sure if this is lame, but it's actually super cool if you would please say, hi, Ricky. Totally fine. If not, I will either way. Huge fan of the show.

You guys are amazingly funny. Thank you. Thank you, Justin. And hi, Ricky. Hi, Ricky. And I liked the song and I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be

an asshole about it because it wasn't one that Tyler submitted. I you're such a shit. I love the animated Robin Hood. I love the music from the animated Robin Hood. It's fantastic. And it's not just because the Robin Hood Fox is what did I say? No, I know that. But it's like, it was such a gimme. And I feel like that's a perfect segue. If you're like, who's that lovely little laugh? Who's that who's probably disturbed by Riley wanting to fuck the Robin Hood fox? Oh, if you're wondering who that is, it is incredible actor, comedian, now author. You've seen him in Cocaine Bear. You've seen him on the internet his new book

the customer is always wrong is out now we've got scott c hey thank you thank you let me just throw out a hi ricky even though i'm a stranger i'm essentially a stranger to these people but hello ricky i hope you're doing well scott welcome the pod. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here and talk, you know, fuckable animated Robin Hoods, which I'm pretty sure, is that not the title of the podcast? It's not the title of the pod, but it should be. Scott, how the hell are you? First of all, at the time of recording, your book has been out for five days. Yes. Yes. My book has been out for five days. Tell us about your book. How has that been?

Oh, it's been amazing. You're an author. You wrote a full ass book. I wrote a full ass book. You know, it's a comedy book, uh, full of rants and bits about making fun of the most stressful parts of having a job, the worst parts of having a job. It kind of expands on these videos I do online about customer service, you know, the ones where I'm like, like, oh, I've been a customer here for over 40 years. Oh, good. Then you'll be dead soon. That kind of stuff, you know. And so the book really expands on all parts of having finding a job, office culture, all stuff I don't touch in my videos. And it's just it's a great gift for anyone who's had a bad day at work. And there we go. I've plugged the book. I've plugged the book now. I love it. That's fantastic. Also, I mean, it's like your videos are so funny. And if the book

is anything like the videos, I can't wait to read it. How is your, what's up? How's your day been? We're just hanging out. We're just hanging out. We're just chilling. I mean, it's been a fun week of promoting the book. I went to a Barnes & Noble and saw the book on a bookshelf the other day, and I was like, that's fun. That's exciting. That's very cool. I'm like, that's got to be a mistake. That's what it felt like to me.

I was like, what the fuck? I was like. You buy them all. You're like, I'm so sorry. This wasn't meant to be here. I didn't mean to take up space. That's my fault. That's my mistake.

No, but it's been super fun doing promo but i mean other than the book i i saw pink in concert with a couple friends the other night yo did she do the thing with all the acrobatics the flipping and she was flipping she was doing this the worst part though it was it started to rain right at the encore so she came out she was like i can't get in my metal ring and fly around oh the encore everyone was like this is bullshit pink this is bullshit but you know this is why we're here but she did she did everything else throughout the show and it was just it was so much fun that i'm so jealous i see the videos on TikTok and they fucking kill me.

I'm just like slingshotting across the crowd to like rock stars. So what? Yes, literally. Oh my God. It's incredible. She was like, I'm coming up. And then she just got launched into the freaking air. I was like, this rules.

I was like, this rips, man. This is cool. That's incredible. Did she have an opener? Did anybody open for her? Sheryl Crow. That's incredible. Did she have an opener? Did anybody open for her? Sheryl Crow. That is a crazy vibe shift. That is crazy.

That's insane. Does Sheryl Crow feel the pressure to be like, should I get a harness? Should I strap in and go flying? Sheryl Crow was like, just strapped herself into a catapult halfway through. Soak up the sun or whatever. But yeah. Soak up the sun or whatever. But yeah.

Soak up the sun. That's amazing. Wait, where was that? This was in Philadelphia. That's incredible. That is so fun. Oh my God. Alf, have you seen Pink lately?

Or what have you been doing? I haven't seen Pink ever, let alone lately. My week has been dominated by Well as I touched on last time My identity was stolen I'm still dealing with my identity having been stolen Jesus And I'm also moving

But I won't tell you where this time You're not gonna dox me this time Fuckers You're not gonna get me this time Doing everything I can to not get my identity stolen at my new place oh my god other than my internet being perfect my week nobody asked you has been great i have been dog sitting how was your neighbor and then we'll cut that in you never do no you just assumed your section was over right she was

like you're done. No one wants to hear about your identity theft. It's because you never asked me about mine. I do. Because sometimes you stare at me for long enough through the camera, and I'm like, there's got to be a reason she's staring. There's got to be a reason. And then I remember it's because I have an ass. She wants something.

I can't figure out what it is. It was weird. Alfred, you started talking about your week, and Riley ripped her router out from the wall. I was so mad. I don't want to fucking hear this. Me! Did you want to talk about your identity theft, Mark? No, I don't.

How's your dog week? No, I'm sorry. It's because of the internet. I thought you were done, but, well, I mean, since we're here. I've been dog-sitting my neighbor's dog and oh my god, the internet. Are you fucking kidding me? Um, it cut out again.

That was so insane. Um, what don't they want us to know? Animals are magic. Um, having a little guy around infinitely better mental health, infinitely better. Just like days in general, just like a little creature. My boyfriend are getting a dog next month and so it's like i am i can't wait and now even just having him like today's my last day with him but with the dog not my boyfriend and i am so sad for him to leave because i'm just he's just a little guy it's been the best week having him here.

I'm so serious. He's just a little man. What kind of dog are you getting? Nacho. We're rescuing. Our parameters are. Oh. Is that what you wanted?

Heroes. Heroes. Who rescued who? Who rescued who? True. Who rescued who? Six months to two years. Because we live in an apartment, so we're looking for like 25 to 30 pound max. We don't want like a tiny, tiny dog. Because we both grew up with big dogs. so we're looking for like 25 to 30 pound max. We don't want like a tiny, tiny dog because we both grew up with big dogs.

And we're looking for like a terrier or spaniel mix. So that is the vibe. And that's really what this little man is, the dog who I'm watching, who I love very much. But yeah, so that's been my week. I was going to say something. I'm going to save it for the end. I'm going to save it for the end. Smart, smart.

So I actually have something for the end. A little tease. Hook and tease and tease little cliffhanger there well and we lost her again and she's gone she's listen do you have a dog skunk i do i have a little uh chihuahua named rose she's absolutely beautiful she's the best uh we didn't technically rescue her because my wife actually gave birth to her and she is our daughter so okay yeah biologically uh no i i love uh having a dog i grew up with cats i was like a cat person all growing up and then now i'm fully like a chihuahua guy do you feel like you know because there is a lot of um people have a lot of preconceived notions about chihuahuas yes there's a lot of and i you know a lot of in the in the zeitgeist a lot of hate i would say does that is that hard for you it's hard for me personally yeah i mean the chihuahua

is unaware of it right like she doesn't know that people don't like chihuahuas but you do it's so funny because anytime you say I have a chihuahua, the immediate next question is, does your chihuahua suck ass like every other chihuahua? And does she? No. Well, she likes us. She hates other people. She loves us. You know what I mean? So I don't really get the hate, but she'll do this weird thing where if she is meeting a stranger, she will simultaneously be like licking their hand, but then also growling as though she's about to bite them. Like it's this mix of she wants to be, she's fighting her nature. You know what I mean? I get that. And I get that. I used to dog sit for a dog, for a chihuahua named norman who was so small that i could fit him in the palm of

my hand and he was so sweet and not violent and that really changed my opinion of chihuahuas because i i was one of those people who was like these fucking little rats i hate them and now i i i think it's 50 50 some of them suck ass. Some of them are sweet little angels who I love, and that's just the way that it is. I love when dogs have a normal ass name, like Norman. Just a person's name. An old man. I'm trying to think of a segue.

Hold on. This is going to be a really good one. Sure. Yeah, they're always good when you have to vamp to come up with one. Speaking of normal names, you know where you should never have a normal name? What? A goddamn Renaissance fair. If you're coming in with just a boring ass Norman name, get out of town.

You need to be Norman the Gargantuan or Norman the Soothsayer or something like that. We're talking about Ren fairs today. Now, guys, don't get it twisted. If you're thinking to yourself, huh, haven't we already talked about this before? No, no, no. What happened was we did a Medieval Times episode, Scott, and Alf thought that Medieval Times was a Ren Faire,

so he brought reviews for Ren Faires for our Medieval Times episode. I just want to say, we have a law in this country that says you cannot be tried for the same crime twice. And I got so much fucking hate the first time. Here's what happened. I thought Medieval Times was a brand name for a Ren Fair. I thought that it was like, know chilies and restaurant you know what i mean this is one of those this is like a really great question though it's like the like

is the hot is a hot dog a sandwich or whatever the fuck kind of question you know what i mean like it's like chilies and restaurant what the fuck are you talking about? I thought that Ren Faire was a generic term, like restaurant. And I thought Medieval Times was a specific Ren Faire, like Chili's. I thought that was incredibly transparently obvious, but I guess not. I thought Ren Faire was like restaurant. I did. I literally did. I thought it was like rectangle square.

You know what I mean? Right. I guess. Every town has. I thought it was like rectangle square. You know what I mean? Right. I guess. Every town has 2,000 of them. Scott, you chose this topic. Why Ren Fairs? What is your connection to Ren Fairs? I love Ren Fairs.

You know, I'm a theater kid. I have done improv comedy. You're welcome here. I have a lot of friends who are polyamorous. So of course I've been to Renaissance festivals. Okay. I'm so glad you brought up that last part because I'm curious. I feel I've never been to a Ren Faire. I really want to go. Yeah. I feel like there's like a very horny vibe to Ren Faire. Totally. Yes. Okay. Yes. There's a horniness there that I didn't quite,

because I used to go every year when I was a kid, and I didn't understand. Not horny as a child. Yeah, not horny as a child. Not horny as a child. You go as a kid, and your family goes, and it's just like, wow, like kings, queens, whatever, like nights and the shows.

And then you grow up, and you're like, oh, my God, everyone's like fucking each other here what's happening exactly it's because it's not even a horny in a way of like oh my god everyone's trying to fuck me it's like you're just like wait are all of you fucking each other like you're just walking around you're like why does everyone keep looking at each other what the fuck is that did i miss something was i supposed to like wear a specific wristband like this has a very swingers type energy it's swingers yeah so scott what have you have any favorite memories from renfrew as you've gone to oh yeah well i mean the so i i grew up in baltimore in in maryland

the maryland renaissance festival there was a guy there johnny fox who was this sword swallower and he he was like i bet he was come on come on come on it was a gimme it was there it was there i don't know what he got up to but but he but that was the thing that we saw every single year i have pictures with the guy like as a kid where he's just like you you know, throwing a sword down his throat. That's insane. And I'm standing there with a thumbs up. So that's good. You know, giant turkey legs, cheesecake on a stick, all types. Oh yeah, so Riley, you've never actually been to one. No.

That's crazy. You have the most Ren Faire vibe. Okay, now why are you taking that as an insult? Why are you taking that as an insult? Instantly, you're like. It's because Miles, our friend Miles, the first time he met me, he said that I have Disney college program energy

and I took great offense to that. Wow. And so I'm really curious if that is like... I know. He was the first time we met. Well, he didn't tell me the first time we met. Later on, he's like, oh, when we first met,

I thought you had done the Disney college program program i'm like what the fuck are you talking about what does that mean and so i'm wondering what kind of like the venn diagram is of like rent fair participants and disney college i think it's i think it's your your very type a ambitious ambitious, organized, you know, focused, energetic, and also bit strange, bit weird. And I think it's both of those have both of those. Well, and also, Alf and I, Scott, Alf and I both went to theater school. We went to theater school together. We were on the same improv team. So it's like very much, I think all of that.

I am also surprised I haven't been to Ren Faire. Every piece of that lends itself to going to a Ren Faire. I feel like Ren Faires are illegal in Massachusetts. I feel like I never heard of somebody going to a Ren Faire when we were in college. It's a witch thing. I don't know. Right. But in LA, I think I just haven't gone because it's like the ones here are so hot.

It's so hot when they're up. And so the thought and I. The horniness you mean. It's so hot. I can't. And so the thought and I. The horniness you mean. It's so hot. I can't stand how fucking horny it is. No, it's, I want to go. I don't know. Maybe I've just assumed that people in my life wouldn't be interested, but I really want to go.

I think it'd be very, I play D&D. And so it's like, I, that is like, so I'm so into something like that. But I've always been fascinated by, I don't know, the why. It's such a specific time period to be like, let's all do make believe for a weekend in a field. Like, it's just like very sweet. Well, and it's also like, we call them Ren Fairs, but it's not the Renaissance. It's not. Right.

Like, it's never wed Renaissance. No. It's not. No. Right. Like, it's never wedded to a specific year. It's like simultaneously like 1300 and like 1850 and like 1630. Like, there's a kind of not super historically accurate, I wouldn't say, in my experience. But I just want to dress up. I want to put on like a corset. Hell, give me an elf ear. I don't say in my experience, but I just want to dress up. I want to put on like a corset. Hell, give me an elf here. I don't care,

but it's like, I want to like have a character going with a game plan. And like, that seems fun as hell. There's a, there's a viral like thread of videos on Tik TOK of like when Ren fairs are going on there, like the kind of barmaids.

That's like been the one who like makes you sip it. And she's like, sip it, you dirty little dragon. Exactly. And it's like she's in a very busty corset. And she's pouring the beer into people's mouths. Make prolonged eye contact during. Wow. And like a lot of words of encouragement.

I'm like, this is Ren Faire. Like, y'all are some little freaks out there. Like, Ren Faire really gives the vibe. Alf, I know exactly i know exactly what you mean of like oh is everyone here fucking each other it's like the energy is for all of you theater kids out there is cast party it feels like theater kid energy like that anything could happen at any time and um so everything's a sense of like it being charged just in that environment. It's so funny. I have to go. You have to go.

Just be prepared to spend like about. 500. Yeah. I was just like conservatively $200 just on food and drink and you'll still feel hungry and bloated and like shit by the end of it like get the ye olde chicken tenders for 49.99 and then you line you line up for like half an hour and it's like yeah could i get the um mac and cheese bites they're like oh that's only available if you stood in the line six feet to the left and like i thought this was the same fucking stall that's a very specific gripe

based on my experience are there like games and things like i on what i've been reading it's like you know there's shows there's jousting there's a music there's plays there's so it's a bunch of stuff going on yeah it's like a lot of performances and then there's the jousting tournament i remember in the maryland renaissance festival they had a rock climbing wall which i don't know if that's like renaissance period very period they had a rock climbing wall at the one the bristol one in wisconsin and it's listed as a ride and that really bothered me for some reason i was like you can't fucking you like look at the rides and you're like okay so yeah there's a big swing and a rock climbing wall.

It's the on the way down. It's you on the harness on the way down. That's the ride. You earn it by getting up to the top. Yeah. I don't know of any other games. I think there was like pig wrestling. I might be thinking of a state fair now.

I don't know what I'm talking about. No, but that could also, that feels very of the world i'm thinking like i'm wondering if there's like axe throwing or like i don't know oh yeah archery yeah anything that feels like analog i'm like fuck it that could be a thing sure the the one in wisconsin has like uh archery and crossbows so it's like bit of both you know what i mean again it's like what time period are we going for exactly should we get into it let's fucking go let's get into it alf do you want to start you know who want who who wants i'd love it if you started um you would or i can go jesus okay my bad um no i can go you see this is for My bad. No, I can go. You see? This is for

Los Angeles. This is the Ren Faire right outside of LA. We got five stars from Danielle G. Can we get a last name for Danielle G? Not everyone all at once. Okay. Okay. Let's workshop this. Danielle, Danielle G.

Gubernatorial. Perfect. Goubinatorial. Perfect. Danielle Goubinatorial. Five stars. I love that there's no context for what she's saying. Here we go. The Blue Knight. OMG, so amazing. He was so interactive with the audience. He was so funny and confident. First time bringing my son here, and this night blew us away. Sit on the blue night side. Kids, ladies, and men love him. Now that's a review for Medieval Times. That's not actually. I didn't think so.

Like 100%. Everyone else is like, the food was great. It's literally surrounded by all these reviews. They're like, the food is great. It's literally surrounded by all these people. The food was great. Had a great time with my family. Parking was a little tough. But this one, I just couldn't get over. It's not even all in the same sense of like, oh, he was so awesome and funny.

He was so funny and confident. Oh, God. And now that I think of it, everyone loves him. It's just really added to the she's got a crush. Her husband is just sitting there being like yeah exactly yes it's like it's the blue night wow that's exactly it like it's like i'm imagining it's some jousting thing or maybe it's not maybe it's truly just like i don't know if it was like a meet and greet character kind of thing if if it was a jousting thing,

don't know if he had his helmet on or off. I guess he was talking because of how funny he was. He didn't even do anything. Maybe it doesn't even matter. But this woman was enthralled. And I just was so charmed by that. She's discovering. She goes, maybe I am Polly. I'm just looking at the blue knight.

My God. The blue knight is just so charming. Huh, maybe monogamy is a not for me. Okay, no, you guys. I know we just went here last week, but you guys didn't get to see this

jousting tournament. So trust me, it is going to be so worth it. The Blue Knight, like, sorry, I'm blushing. He's just, you'll see what I mean. He's kind of one of a kind. I've been to these before. Like, I know that they kind of just come out and ride their horse and do some tricks and stuff like that. Most of them just come out and ride their horse.

You're so right, Alan. Like, that's what most of them do. But I don't think you've seen this knight. He's pretty special. Okay. Sorry, I'm just like butterflies in my stomach. Oh my God, here he comes, here he comes. Try and get his attention.

So he looks over at our section. All right. Big blue. Big blue. Oh my God, that's really good. That's really good. It's me me it's Susan I was here last week

Hello maiden hello Oh my god hello maiden Look at me I mean can you believe this Do you see what I'm seeing You've brought your squire with you I see Oh my god That's so good You've brought your peasant serving boy I see That's so good. You've brought your peasant serving boy, I see.

That's so good. Well, we're together. We've been dating for a couple months, actually. Oh, in your dreams. He's my squire. Oh my god, do you see it? I mean, he's so, oh my god. I'm crying.

I'm crying. He's so funny. Yeah, it's pretty good. Oh, blue knight, look I'm crying. I'm crying. He's so funny. Yeah, it's pretty good. Oh, blue knight, look at him go. Oh my God. Are you having fun? Isn't this so fun? Yeah, yeah.

Oh my gosh, this is great. You know, I haven't seen anything yet. I'll be honest. It's very kind of typical knight behavior so far. Oh, I guess we'll agree to disagree. I'm not seeing, you know, the green knight coming around behavior so far. Oh, I guess we'll agree to disagree. I'm not seeing, you know, the Green Knight coming around and giving this kind of, you know, one-on-one interaction. But, uh.

Sure. Okay. All right, everybody. The show's about to start. But can I get a volunteer? Yeah. Sorry, I took my turkey. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Blue Knight. Yes. It's me, Susan, from earlier, from just now. Anybody, anybody. Yes, Alan, raise your hand, because the more hands that are raised,

the bigger chance we get. Big blue, big blue. Ah, little one, the peasant boy. Oh my God, he chose you. Alan, you have to go, you have to go. Come on down, peasant boy. Yeah, all right, well. All right, here I go.

I'm coming up here. This is so exciting. Whoa, what's your name, little one? Alan. Okay, can I get a hand for Alan? Yep. Smattering. Alan, what do you do for work?

I'm a manager at a Chipotle. Okay, can I hear it for Chipotle Someone in the back It was an E. coli outbreak two months ago And it was barely reported Okay I don't control that I don't control that He doesn't control that

So I got you Okay settle down Okay Alice What I'm going to need you to do I'm going to need you to do, I'm going to ride my horse up and down, and I need you to pick up its shit. You're going to be my shit scooper, Alan.

Everyone's blue ties laughing. The entire crowd's losing it. Well, I don't think that that's... They all cheer. Here's your shovel. Get scooping. Everyone's crying crying laughing Sorry Do I actually have to do this Or is this just a bit a part of the show

Or what is this Yeah you have to do it if you don't do it someone's gonna step in it I'm gonna fucking trip Be a good sport okay Your girlfriend you know she clearly is having a good time Just play along man Don't be such a buzzkill. Hey, fuck you, buddy.

I'll pick up the shit. Alan, Alan, Alan. Yeah. Whoa. This is a huge honor. Okay. We got a fighter in the ring, huh? Do you want to joust?

Do you want to get on the horse? With how much shit I'm picking up, I don't know if I'll have time. All right, settle down, little one. Okay, I mean, I'll get on the horse if you want me to. Don't touch the horse. Alan, Alan. You can't touch the horse. Don't touch the horse.

Okay. When we were at the state fair last month, remember, it didn't end well. Very clear rules. Don't touch a horse. Listen, I've been around horses my whole life. He's a kicker. Can I get another volunteer, please, from the audience? Please, for the audience? Please,

for the love of God, please. Anybody. Oh, my God. Anybody. Alan, who should I pick? Pick Susan. Pick Susan, my girlfriend. My arms have to come out of my socket. You want me to pick your girlfriend? Are you sure? Yes. Go ahead. Okay. Susan, come on down. Yes, thank God.

Hi, I'm Susan. Sorry, you already know that. My name is Susan. You're cute. What do you do for work? Oh, my God. Thank you. I teach AP Lit at a local high school.

Can I get a round of applause for teaching America's children the future of our country? Huge round of applause. Yeah, I know that's right. Thank you. Thank you. A lot of kids eat at Chipotle. A lot of kids get sick at Chipotle. If they had reported it sooner, my son wouldn't have gotten E. coli.

It almost put him in the hospital. I don't work for the corporate office. What I'm saying is I manage a local Chipotle, whatever. Which one do you manage? Which one? The one on 5th. 5th and Main. Nobody go to the one on 5th, all right?

This guy's been picking up horse shit all day. You're definitely going to get E. coli eating that. I'm not going there after this. All right, Susan. I'm going to need you to play a very important part here. Oh, happily. Sir, I actually don't know your name. I just know you as the Blue Knight.

You could just call me the Blue Knight. Okay, happily. My name's Barry. Okay, Sir Barry the Blue Knight. You're going to be playing the Knight's wife. Oh, my God. All the women in the crowd are like, fuck her. You're going to be standing on the sideline cheering me on.

Happily, I think I can do that. And if I joust well, maybe I get a kiss. Oh, stop. That's my wildest dreams. Yeah. All right. The contest is about to be settled down, peasant. What should I be doing as I'm-

You're picking up the shit. I'm still doing, I have to keep doing it? He shits a lot. I don't know what to tell you. Aren't you going to be riding him? Am I going to follow him behind? This is a huge honor. You get to squire.

Just kind of go along behind and pick it up. I got to fall behind? Alan, this is a huge honor. You get to squire. Just kind of go along behind and pick it up. I got to sprint alongside? Yes. What about the wood splinters? It gets in my eyes. Close your eyes. I don't know. Close your eyes, Alan. You should have brought goggles. Think about it before you ask. Okay.

If you love me, you will do this for me. This is really big. All right. Well, we've been dating for a few months. This is kind of crazy. Okay. All right. Let's just do that. Can we just add to the story that maybe like the guy picking up the shit is with the woman who's cheering on the knife?

With the knife's wife? I'm his wife. I don't think so. No way. That's really inappropriate. You have to be his wife in this. Well, maybe you're having an affair with the guy picking up the shit. You're not

cucking the blue knight. That's not gonna happen. Who would cuck the blue knight, Alan? Have you seen him? You have to think about it. You can't cuck the blue! You can't cuck the blue! Alan, you gotta think about these things first. In the story, that wouldn't make sense. Look at him. Who would cuck him? With you, of all people. Like, actually, Alan, I want you to think about these things first. In the story, that wouldn't make sense. Look at him. Who would cuck him?

With you of all people. Like, actually, Alan, I want you to think about it for real. Who would cuck him? Be real. I don't... With you of all people. Whatever. Aren't we supposed to be using our imagination here?

We really can't fucking imagine a world where that... All right, that's fine. That's fine. All right. I'll walk behind the horse and pick up your shit. You gotta run, Alan. You gotta run as fast as the horse. You gotta keep up.

Everybody know your place. Some and pick up your shit. You gotta run, Alan. You gotta run as fast as the horse. You gotta keep up. Everybody know your place. Some of this is human shit. The suit is very tight. It's hard to get off in time. Sometimes I just let her ride. So, on my mark, we're gonna joust. Exactly how we do it every year mark the gallop towards each other alan sprinting alongside with a bucket trying to catch the shit

i beat the fucking green knight into the ground he's fucking posed i'm the best night ever everybody's screaming my name blue night blue night circle back around go over to the blue night's wife pretty good show huh that was incredible somebody called 9-1-1 i got a wooden splinter went through my collarbone hey um susan i was gonna i was gonna make out with you in front of your boyfriend, but he looks like he's pretty sick. I think he got hit with something. Does anyone have a phone here? Are we still pretending we don't have fucking phones?

Somebody call an ambulance. Susan, I think you need to go. You need to look after him. I was going to. I was just going to say, sir, this has been such an honor, but I can't kiss you. I wasn't going to kiss you.

The horse is shitting on me. The horse is taking a shit on me. You weren't going to kiss me? I was not going to kiss you. No, it was all part of the bit. Wait, so sorry, you didn't want to kiss me or you weren't going to? It's a humiliation thing. Maybe I deserve this. The whole point of this show is like a humiliation thing oh maybe i deserve the whole point of the show is like a humiliation

kink thing i guess oh i know the vibe is very horny i just i see my alan is getting he's in a bit of a pickle right now i should go over to him in a second i'll be honest i thought he was in on it i thought he liked this kind of thing that's why i leaned in so hard i didn't know he wasn't cool with it i wouldn't have done all that big Maybe I'm not as big as it catches, I thought. I sit here covered in shit. I just, I thought. You should really look after him, though. He looks sick. I will.

No, it's like that. It's one second. I just, I think I thought that I was special. Take all the time you guys need. In the audience. I thought that like. You are special. You are.

Everyone's special to me. Well, that's like a platitude. Exactly. That's like a platitude. Like, oh, everyone's special. Like, I thought that. It's fine. I should. Everyone's special to me. Well, that's like a platitude. Exactly. That's like a platitude. Like, oh, everyone's special. Like, I thought that. It's fine. I should.

Hey, Alan, are you? How are you doing? Are you okay? Eee! I don't know. It's like they're fighting. An ambulance arrived. The medical people are there.

Alan's dead. Alan's dead. Alan's dead. Alan's actually fucking dead. He's covered in horse shit. Oh, that sucks. That does suck. Alan's actually fucking dead. He's covered in horse shit. Oh, that sucks. That does suck. That's actually such a bummer. The crowd, we're glad he's dead!

Fuck that guy. Everyone, everyone stop! Alan was a decent man. A fine man. Average. And I'd only been with him a couple months. No, stop it! Barry, enough! You said fine. Fine and average are basically synonyms. I'm using my imagination. And in the story, maybe he

was a real knight all along. And I just didn't see him that way. But everyone, toast your turkey legs. To Alan. To Alan. To Alan. No one does it. I bet these have E. coli too. Hey, that's not his. Fuck it.

It's fine. We should take a quick break and then we'll come back. With more Ren Faire. And we're back. Whoa. Ralph, do you have a review? Sure do. Sure do. Renaissance Faire.

This is for the St. Louis, Missouri Renaissance Festival. This is from Amy G. Can I get a last name? Okay, well. One star from Amy G. Amy G. writes,

got hit with an arrow. Called security. Oh my god! Got hit with an arrow arrow got security called on me as if i did something wrong pretty sure they just reopened it after i left with no change to the safety the security number is also not even for the st louis rent fair but it's one for the one in Kansas City. Oh my God. So Amy got hit with an arrow and then they called security and said, get her the fuck out of here.

And then she tried to call security to complain and they hadn't actually even given her the right number. It was in a different state. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. I actually don't really know Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. I actually don't really know what to say. That's bonkers.

The idea that you could get hit with an arrow. And it's your fault. And it's your fault. Also like. And you're causing a ruckus. And I don't want to blame Amy here. This is not what I'm trying to do. But I will say having shot arrows at the Ren Faire before.

I feel like it might have been her fault. Alfred. The only way it is, is if she was standing directly, like, in the archery lane, like in front of a target, and she was going, shoot me. Like, that's the only way that that was her fault, I think. Wile E. Coyote-esque sign that just that just says shoot me she has a bullseye painted on her i didn't i mean what what do we think happened do we think it was just someone like loading a bow and had it to the side or what like right it's like they're by one of the staff

there's like two scenarios there's like she like one of the arrows kind of like bounce like you know out of the bow and kind of like lightly grazed her and she like made a whole thing out of it or she fully got shot with an arrow and like just threw the shoulder like it's really um i don't know it's there's something about like the, um, it's hard to bring the, bring the room down, but in the medical field,

women are very often not listened to at the same rate. Like men are believed for like pain levels. Like she just has like a bow sticking through her bicep. And like the security team there is like, you seem to be causing a lot of trouble. And she's like, I was hit. I wasn't in the lane.

Someone turned around, looked at me, said bullseye and let her fly. That's okay, ma'am. Ma'am, we're just trying to get to the bottom of what you did wrong. Okay. We're just trying to make sure this doesn't happen to anybody else, so we just want to understand what you did wrong. Officer, I hear you. I feel like after 20 minutes of questioning and a lot of blood loss, I don't really... Sorry, I just got a little fuzzy.

I don't really know what else there is to say other than that man right there in the black hat and the black cape. He turned. That man, you mean King Charles. I guess. Obsquire them. Okay. Well, that guy, King Charles, he turned, saw me, and said, oh, there's a little doe right here.

I can hang that on the mantle and then let her fly. Officer. Yes. Oh, my God. King Charles, yes. You have to understand what I was trying to do. I have been elected the royal hunter for the feast, for a celebration after the joust later this eve.

Right, right. Of course I need to find succulent meat. Sure. A doe. Do you hear this? He says I'm finding meat. No, I hear you. And then he shot a human woman. I hear you.

Look, King Charles, I get where you're coming from, but we have pretty strict, you know. No way. Is it not my fault she trespassed onto the hunting grounds? I know, but hunting laws in this state are very clear, right? Shooting a doe. I was in line for ye olde snow cone or whatever. Excuse me, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am. I was talking to him. Who is in line for ye olde snow cone or whatever. The frosty cup, whatever you call it. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am. I was talking to him. The hunting laws in this state are very strict, right? You shouldn't be shooting a doe, okay? Are you sure you didn't think she had horns? I am not a doe. I am not a buck. I am a human woman.

You thought she was a buck, baby. She was wearing, you know, these ear pieces to make her seem like an elf of some sort. I thought, could those be horns? Could those be the beginning of antlers? And that's a justifiable, yeah, that's a justifiable mistake to make. I'm glad we clarified that. Yes, the other deputy here, I see you transcribing all of this. I want us all to, like, really take a look.

Look at what's being written down. It's being said, this man wanted to kill me for sport, I guess, and then eat me at a feast. Well, he thought you were a bug. You think a peasant like you knows of the written word? And that's a good point. She might not know how to read. And we'll have to. Can you write that down?

We'll have to test for that. I'm a pediatrician, so I can treat myself. That's not the issue. It's just like. You're a child? The legality. Nope. I'm a pediatrician. I am a doctor for children. He's acting like one of a child the legality nope i'm a pediatrician i am a doctor

for children he's acting like one of the babes that's for sure oh charles you need to settle down um ma'am i'm i'm really sorry that you're suffering what would you say your pain is one to ten my i will tell you i'm handling it really well but it's honest it's gonna be a ten it's gonna probably more like a three i would say it's gonna be a 10. It's gonna be 10 out of 10. Probably more like a 3, I would say. Nope, it's gonna be a 10 out of 10. If she requires bloodletting, I'm willing to fire another arrow post-haste. Well, that's very generous. I need you to be, like, a hundred

feet away from me. I can hit anything a hundred feet away. That's not, it wasn't a challenge. The challenge I gladly accept as the royal hunter for the feast. Oh, way. Well, that's his prerogative. I shall begin my paces forthwith. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Choose your weapon, ma'am. Choose your weapon. Here's the thing. No, no, no, no. I'm going to start running. All I called you to run. 97, 98. And he's off.

No, no. Are you kidding? You're going to let him try and shoot me again? This is unbelievable. Fire. Swang. Wide miss. Oh, nearly got her, huh?

Damn. Not even. Thank God he's a bad shot. Look, officer, I just want to take legal action against the man who clearly is trying to target me and hurt me for sport. So what do I need to do to make sure that this guy doesn't hurt anybody else again? Mulligan! Fire! Another arrow.

Oh, another wide miss. Thank God. Look, ma'am, I'm going to be honest with you here, okay? I'm a member of the St. Louis Police Department, and we do not have jurisdiction here. Okay, well, then who does? Why have I been wasting my time talking to you? The queen.

This is her land. No, not the queen. No, this is a festival. This is a family fun festival. I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't make the laws. Who actually has is a festival. This is a family fun festival. I'm sorry, Mambus. I don't make the laws. Who actually has legal jurisdiction over this part of town? This is, I'm sorry, this is the sovereign, you know, community issue.

Sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt. Just really quickly. Do you guys mind if I stand a little closer? I can't hit it from 100 feet away. Yeah, like 30 feet. I'll do 30. Do you feel like you could hit her at 30 feet?

Let me take a crack at 30. 30 is so close. No, where's the queen? Fine, let me talk to the queen. I can go get her, but. Someone wants to talk to the queen. Oh my God, here she is. I've been watching this whole entire argument go awry.

Now what seems to be, no, not what seems to be the problem. If you've been watching this whole thing, you see what's happening. Your Highness. Your Highness. Hello. This peasant is attempting to ruin the royal feast by getting in the way of my hunting. I do see that. And you are the most skilled hunter this side of the Mississippi.

Everybody knows. He missed me from 30 feet and 100 feet. I don't think he's that- Excuse me, madam. I don't think it's your place to speak at this time. Okay, look, your majesty, I'm a human woman. I'm clearly

not a deer. What do I need to do to make sure that this man can't hurt me or anybody else here? Well, all he's trying to do is prepare enough food for the royal feast. And if he happened to have hit you accidentally well i don't think it was an accident you can ask him he was actually he was specifically targeting me

is that so are you trying to hurt this human maid the issue is i was tricked she was acting like a deer by just standing there your highness i i can confirm she was standing there he he had probable cause to think she was a buck so thank you oh darling were you just standing i was in line for a snow cone so yeah i guess i was just standing here but i still don't think that that's all right look this fair is a place for jubilance and smiles and celebration. I will not have it marred by this chaos and you ragamuffin scoundrels. Yes, I said ragamuffin scoundrels and I'll do it again. Your Highness.

Now, Royal Hunter, I need you to issue a formal apology to this young lady and go and shoot some game elsewhere. Wonderful. I have pierced the note of apology to an arrow and I'll fire it at her fort with... It's my other arm. Good shot. That will do just nice. Good shot. That will do just nice. Thank you. Good shot. And from only ten feet away.

Very impressive. And with a crossbow, no less. Ten feet with a crossbow. You really are a talent. I will have to give you honorable mention at the feast later this evening. Now, please go take your crossbow and shoot some trash raccoons, maybe on the other side of the parking lot. Yippee!

Okay, I don't care anymore. I need to see. I need an ambulance. Shall I take her to the clink, your highness? Take her to the doctor. Yes, thank God, a doctor. Three stalls down, you know, the big mask, the bird mask. No, I don't need one of, I need a real doctor.

We have, there's a barber surgeon about three stalls the other way. We could take you there. He might be able to amputate. What the hell is a barber surgeon? It's me, why don't you know? There he is. Go ahead. Oh my god. Sit in the chair. It's the same

guy. He just took off his hunting outfit. Oh my god. You know, the budget was lower this year. Play along a little bit here, eh? A lot of double cast saying. Who do I have to pay to get out of the lot? I'm gone.

I will find a way out. You can't possibly drive. Both your arms have arrows in them. Fuck, I didn't think about that. Then please, can you take me? There was a hospital. I work there. Please just get me in however way you came here,

and let's go. Clyde, here. The oldest horse you've ever seen. They make me ride a horse when I'm here. They don't like having the squad car, so I have to ride the horse. Are you okay? Do you know how to ride? Just throw me on the back and we'll see.

You know, I don't know if Clyde can actually handle the weight of two people, but we'll see. Right? Hopefully he makes it. Old heart. Put her on the back. Slap the ass of two people, but we'll see, right? Hopefully he makes it. He just put her on the back, slapped the ass of the horse, and it just kind of wanders off. You know, I don't think I told Clyde where to go. I hope he finds his way.

We've got to change the website to a renaissance fair in St. Louis, or Kansas City, just to make sure she can't find it. Yes, I don't, sorry, I'm gonna drop the voice. Yeah, I don't know why that isn't on the website yet. That doesn't really make any sense. I don't get that either. Shoots another person.

It just fires another arrow. Hey, you hit climb. Well, now he's dead. I, let me double, hold on. There's two. Double trouble. Do we have time for one more? Do you have a hard out, Scott?

I don't have a hard out. I have a couple as well, but. Oh, no fucking way. We didn't know. Go ahead. Oh my God. Scott, round us out with your favorite. Well, I was on the New Jerseyissance fair page and they do the thing that

i love which is they respond to the bad reviews yeah i love when that happens there's something so desperate about there's just something so clawing about it yeah it's damage control damage control damage control actually you're you're the asshole actually you suck and nobody likes you uh there's a couple responses i just want to they're super short but okay this is this one one star review from kim s kim sardashian fuck okay this is from kim sardashian okay she says very disappointed was more a comic-con than a renaissance when was captain america in the renaissance and then the new jersey renaissance fair responded hi kim we started with they started with ha ha ha three times fuck hi kim we ha-ha-ha three times. Fuck. Hi, Kim.

We can't control how people dress when they arrive for our fair. Should we have not let Captain America in? From the Renaissance fairs I've visited, parentheses, many, there are always Star Wars characters, superheroes, steampunk, and all kinds of fantasy folks. What the fuck are you talking about? There's always Star Wars characters walking around. There's always Yodas.

That is, is that, that was the explanation? Is this them saying, there's always people like that? There's always people like that. Makes for quite a scene. Sorry your expectations were different from what you experienced. And that's the end. That's such a good non-apology i'm sorry you had the wrong expectations going in oh i'm sorry you expected it to be all within the same time period and not having any but it is not no but to defend the new jersey renaissance fair people a bit it is like every renaissance fair is like the most anachronistic like there's no it's like not a cohesive immersive experience it's not like you're going to like colonial

williamsburg and you're like why is there a storm trooper here like it's it's a it's a far it's for fun for fuck's sake can you just have some fun? No, I hear that. But I honestly, I agree with Kim. That's crazy. Obviously, wear what you want. But it's like, no, but it's like, it's not a costume party. You are going to a Renaissance fair. It is within a world.

And it's like, be, you know, and that being said, of course, someone can dress up as like Elizabethan or Victorian or whatever. The times are getting so mixed up. Be a magical creature, whatever. But to be fucking Captain America at a Ren Faire is actually crazy. Whatever his last name is, is pretty magical, okay? No, but it's like if you are getting ready for a Ren Faire, you're looking, it's like, hmm, what to wear?

Like flipping through, it's like, oh, it was Beetlejuice last time. I can't do Winnie the Pooh again. Like, what are you talking about? It's not Halloween. Clicking a button and the Iron Man mask flips down onto you. Time to go to the Renaissance Festival. But what can, if it is another, it's like, I would get it if the staff was dressed as Iron Man. Right.

But it's like, it's just a guy coming in there and he has a captain america i don't know suit on or something it's like we can't it's illegal for us to tell him get the hell out of here i know i that was my favorite part of the response like what were we supposed to do not let him in meanwhile disney is fully like you can't wear costumes you can't wear a costume you can't fucking wear that can't wear a costume at disney only we only we get to wear that well you did the college program you you know about this exactly riley knows all about this this is this is fake news the spreading of misinformation is crazy on the internet these days um no i know that because

there is this oh my god if you guys haven't seen her Delaney Jane on Tik TOK, she is a Disney, Disney bounder. And she's like this Australian. She always does like, I get dear and darling, you know, dear Lynn darling or a couple that do it. But anyway,

it's like you, you aren't allowed to wear a costume. So when P sometimes when people go to Disneyland, they will dress up as a character, but through kind of like street clothes, such a theater kids, street clothes, shut up.

Um, but like like you're all blacks today guys but it's like i think there's a way you can go to the renfrew as captain america but you can do like ren you're saying they should be disney bounding as captain america at the renfrew this is such a bad day no i'm saying have a Captain America outfit, but make it like Renaissance theme. What? No, that's not crazy. That's not a crazy idea. It is crazy.

That's fun. No, because look, if you have a Captain America costume, you can wear that all the time. There's so many use cases. But a Captain America themed Renaissance, like a Iron Man corset, like where, when, there's one situation in which you're able to wear that. I'm on Team New Jersey Renaissance Fair for this one, sorry to say. Could I tell you a couple other responses that they've given? Please.

Yes, please. These other two are just, they're not, there's nothing written here. This is just a star rating from two other people on google that new jersey responded to there's a one star rating from justin n justin not so not a good time that's what i'm talking about one star nothing written new jersey renaissance fair responds Sunsphere responds. Boo! Oh my God. Holy shit. No. The New Jersey Ren Faire feels like it's just

a spirit Halloween running a Ren Faire. Boo! Boo! And here's one from,'s dawn h dawn hell nice my god one star one star review nothing written new jersey rent renaissance fair response i'm sorry you have such ill will towards the fair, Dawn. As we remember who you are and know that your specific issue was with your employer and not the fair itself, it would have been more fair to review the merchant and not us. We have six, oh no, I'm sorry. We have a different mix of food merchants every year.

You seem to be a nice person and we're sorry that things didn't work out for you period to pop up with receipts and be like so you're wrong uh when they didn't even say anything it's like i know you i know your fucking problem and i know it was bullshit it's like that is the scariest shit in the world to put just a star, an anonymous star rating, and then someone goes, we know who you are. I know where you live, motherfucker. I know what you did, and I know where you live. I really want to be inside, like, the production offices of the New Jersey Ren Faire, because there is some crazy shit going down. These people are wild.

Like, I... Like... All right, all right. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. All right, guys, listen up, listen up. I know we're excited. N.J. Ren.

Hey, come on, guys, come on. N.J. Ren. I know we're so excited about the rent fair coming up this this whenever the hell we do it because it changes every year because nj rent has no fucking rules and that's our motto and because we keep getting kicked off of different municipal sites too that's part of why we have to move come on we agreed to not it's not our fault we have no fucking rules and it's not our fault the two night the night the night exactly you understand now gentlemen we got a couple extra booze to fill this year because we had some people

drop out because they're fucking lame oh fuck them i know where they. If we want to go find them, I have no problem doing that and standing on their lawn and intimidating them. Trevor, I know, and that's why you are our main man. You are our main tech guy. You are the guy. You can find anybody anywhere for no reason. That's right. Every Ren Faire needs a hacker that can find. And you've always said that.

And that's why we still have you on the team. Now, we got a couple submissions. We got like, you know, hot dog on a stick, but old timey themed. We got candy corn, but old timey themed. But I want some. We got a New Jersey it up. Did you guys see my proposal um you know what i've actually been wait i saw the big red envelope carl's proposal i've been

why don't you give it to us now carl go into that so basically it's italian ice but the ice is made from dirty water you're crazy for that. You're crazy for that. So it's kind of like Ren Faire vibes. You know what I mean? Totally. It's kind of like old-timey. Sick, yeah. How you couldn't drink the water.

So it's like you get it, and it's like, what flavor is this? And I'm like, I don't know, but it's like a little brown. You know what I mean? Yeah. Wow. It's exactly how they would have had it. Kind of rust, rust colored. I love that.

Just to piggyback off of that, if they complain, we throw it at them? I love that. Is there any other way? Hell yeah, we're going to throw it at them, Trevor. Come on, what are you talking about? I actually had another idea,

if you guys don't mind. Carl, big brain Carl over here. Okay, go ahead yeah maybe you should get behind the computer help me act i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't i could never like you brother all right you're the best hacker we have but uh no the idea basically um they're water bagels you know that's kind of our thing yeah new jersey water bagels, you know, that's kind of our thing. Yeah. New Jersey water bagels. And you might know where this is going. The water is dirty water.

Dirty water bagels. So we cook the bagels in dirty water. Oh, my God. Kind of like how they would have done back then, right? What? Are you just light bulb little Einstein over here? I know. Light bulb's going up.

Light bulb's going up over his head. Little Einstein. Just an idea. I had night. It's not. Jesus Christ. Just an idea. I had an idea. It's not Dirty Water themed. Sorry to disappoint. Oh, it's not Dirty Water. Go ahead, Ronaldo.

Do your idea. I don't want to hear it. You know how sometimes people, some people who don't prepare for the festival, they come and they're like, oh, I don't have a costume. And they'll get you elfies. You get your fairy wings. I hate these people. Fuck that.

Fuck those. Fuck them. Fuck those people. Fuck that. Fuck those. Fuck them. Fuck those people. Fuck those people. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. I got an idea for a stall. You know, it's a clothing stall, but why not jazz it up?

Why not make it N.J. Fair? Yeah. Now, it's going to be Universal Studios IP, and it's not gonna be ren themed so what's gonna be fun about it is you can be et out of renfair you can be a jurassic park dinosaur i'm sorry i have to stop you i have to stop you just for a sec what does the et costume look like exactly because i'm just having a hard time because it was the first one you said so i know it's good so i just want to know what the fuck does that exactly look like i'm so glad you asked because i had some renderings it's you know when they dress et up as a woman i do know it's my

favorite part so it's that so it's kind of like costumes for dogs you just put the head through and the rest of the body flops along right it's just kind of like a person wait so the costume is a it's just women's clothing and we have to assume that that's et that under that it's like yes people just recognize the outfit as like, oh, that's what E.T. wore when he was a girl. Yes. So you wear that around and people would be like, oh, shit. That's E.T. as a woman, but Ren Faire themed. Okay.

Well, what do you mean Ren Faire themed? Well, it's that you're wearing it at a Ren Faire. You know, we had Captain America running around last year. We had, who the fuck else? We had Homer Simpson running around. Oh, come on. Don't. Don who the fuck else? I hate that guy. We had Homer Simpson running around. Oh, come on. I know you. Don't.

Don't. Don't. I love that guy. All right, whatever. We want to do the dirty water stuff over E.T. as a woman. That's fine. It's not that I don't like E.T. as a woman as an idea. I was just trying to understand it.

That was all. Yeah. But I got there. Is it too complicated? Should we just do et and not et as a woman okay but then what does the regular et you're just wearing nothing and we're it's a full suit if you got the whole hyper real it's an et it's like people would think that you're a character walking around that's how real now why not combine them and have the hyper

realistic suit and the woman's clothing? Too much money. Too much money. Yeah, we don't have any money. We're out of money. No, new NJ Ren. NJ Ren. That's why we gotta go with these ideas. All our customers are leaving.

Trevor, I know you had some amazing marketing ideas. You're such a little tech whiz kid. I know you were just know you're such a little tech whiz kid i know you were just bopping around online come on share some stuff that you're thinking about how to market onto the masses maybe some tiki talks yeah i was gonna do well my first idea just to you know ren fest themed ren fest themed but uh augmented reality arcade no what does that mean how would that be how would we make it renfair theme so it would be like one of these you know i'm behind the computer hacking and creating this obviously in real time i'm coding all of this so obviously

you're incredible thank you thank you so they would go you know you come to the reference they say we have an augmented reality arcade they would go in and it's kind of just like you know neon green cubes that you have to jump over they're like coming at you and you gotta either jump over them or kneel down beneath them but you're you gotta you know in a VR headset. Yeah, I love that game. Yeah. Or it's like Guitar Hero, but you're like inside of it. Oh. That's so sick. What do you mean inside of it?

Like you're one of the people on stage? Well, I guess I mean you're dressed up as E.T. Okay. Because you can choose your skins. You know how they have skins in Fortnite? Skins, yes. So you'd be able to choose your skins. You know how they have skins in Fortnite? Skins, yes. So you'd be able to choose your skin. I love Fortnite.

Right now, I've only designed E.T., but that's the only one available. Look at that synergy. Come on. I didn't know you were going to go there. I didn't know you were going to go there. I didn't know you already went there. I got another bridge for you guys.

Okay. Okay. Okay. One word, a couple hyphens. Dirty watermelon. Okay. So it's watermelon, right? But we like put dirty water in it.

It's kind of like how people put like a bottle of vodka and they infuse the water. It's exactly like that. But we'll do that with dirty water. But instead of vodka, it's cholera. Yeah. I like that. I like that. I like it a that with dirty water. But instead of vodka, it's cholera. Yeah. I like that. I like that. I like it a lot.

I like it a lot. Oh, shit. A review just came in. Oh, here we go, boys. Better be good. The hacker's going to pop off. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren.

N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. Okay. One star. Boo. Boo. Boo. One star. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Hold on, I'm already typing my response. Yeah, yeah, good. Boo, okay. Boo. From someone named Gina. I would give zero if I could.

Oh. Boo. Well, that's not very nice. Or specific. Well, what is she mad about? What does she mean? Did she explain? Came here looking for a fun time with my family.

And that's what you're going to get. NJ Red, NJ Red. That's what you always get. It's just three loudmouths drinking dirty water and saying, try some, try some, over and over again. Okay, so she walked into the development booth, the R&D booth. That's not our fault.

So that's on her. That's on her. We know where you are, and you will be arrested for trespassing. Yeah, find her IP address. Yeah, find her IP. Why don't you make sure she's not using the VPN? Get that IP, and why don't you let her know?

Do a bomb threat on her. Whoa, Carl. Okay, my bad, my bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Should I get her swatted? Yes. Hey, guys, do you think that, I don't know,

maybe we keep getting moved from municipal county to municipal county because we're not playing ball like the rest of the renfair community players are so what we do our own thing we gotta do us i know we gotta do us but sometimes i feel like we're not enough we're not you want to rent enough you want to stop taking the people who complain and you know lying them down on a table and dirty waterboarding them of course i don't want to stop that no of course i don't want to stop that but i, of course I don't want to stop that. But I don't know. Do you ever get the feeling that maybe we should play by Wren rules?

Play by Wren rules? Sometimes I wonder if it was worth buying this van full of computer tech. Don't even say that. So I can always be on the move and hack and find our reviewers. No, don't say that. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have bought the water rights to that quarry, but I did it. Gotta find a way to make a profit.

This was a test, you guys. Guys, what am I saying? We are the best Ren fans. Yeah. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. N.J. Ren. N.J. Wren N.J. Wren The GameStop near my house is hiring

If you guys wanted to apply To that with me I need that job Should we do our last segment? Let's do it This Shook me all week long. Shook me all week long.

We can't sing it in the tune because we're not allowed to do that anymore. I don't know why I said Paul McCartney earlier. You know what? It's because our original theme song as a bit was Fuh You by Paul McCartney. That's right. Scott, if you've never heard the song Fuh You, I'm going to need you to go ahead and look it up from the album Egypt Station.

I have not. I will look this up. It is- Total banger. Unbelievable. The lyrics are incredible. Paul at his best. It's crazy.

And so the theme song used to be, I just want to review, but it would just be us playing Fuh You by Paul McCartney and singing over it. That's right. And we're not allowed to do that anymore. You can't do anything anymore.

How do you spell this? F-U-H. F-U-H. And then the word you. Fuh You. It's about Paul McCartney seeing a woman in a bar and wanting to fuh her. Is that really it? Holy shit.

Yes. Yes. That literally is it. Yes. First lyrics, come on baby now, let me look Holy shit. Yes. Yes. That literally is it. Yes. First lyrics. Come on, baby. Now let me look at you. Yeah.

Let me look at you. Let me look. Come on, baby. Let me look at you. I just want it for you. I just want it for you. Oh, my God. I need to listen to the whole thing and let us know what you think about it after.

It's really special. But until then, Scott, what has been shaking your ass? What can't you stop thinking about for better or for worse this week? For better or for worse? You know, it's got to be – I'm going to go on a rant here. Audio messages. Please stop sending them to me. Whoa, that's a hot take.

Oh, my God. See, I'm in this, I was arguing about this with my sister because my sister communicates almost exclusively in audio messages. And my feeling is, call me, call me. Yes, I get that, yes. Don't do a podcast at me. You're doing a podcast at me. How long are the messages?

I have some friends who will send like eight minute long ones. I'm like, no, that's a phone call. Well, she'll do, it'll be like maybe like minute and a half, but it'll be like four in a row. It'll be like bam, bam, bam. You know, that's a phone call. Yeah. That's a phone call. That's we're getting into phone call territory. And then I know a lot of people go, just look at the transcript. My phone is too old to transcribe these things. I get, I don't see the transcript. I got to listen whole whole shebang yeah so that's shaking my ass my problem with the with the audio messages is like if you want to send me a concise like 30 second message about something but what i don't want is you to puzzle it out while you're recording and it's like yeah so uh thanks yeah yeah yeah latte

thank you and uh yeah so um basically what he said was oh oh excuse me no excuse and it's like jesus fucking christ yeah wait until you're back in the car and then just tell me the story and like when you get the 10 minute audio message that has like 30 seconds of content in it that's what i want to like put my head through a window yes yeah i need it to be like i i need it i need to run I need a run through. Do one run through of what you're going to say. Yeah. Sometimes I do that.

Do a dress rehearsal. When I send an audio message, sometimes I'll record it, listen back to it, and go, that's not worth sending. And then I'll do it again. I've never done that in my life. Yeah, because you're not

as insane as I am. Do you all do audio messages? Do you communicate with audio messages? Not to that frequency. Like I enjoy an audio message if it's something that like if I'm trying to explain something that's like this is going to be a long text and I don't have the time to send right now and I'm like walking around my apartment getting ready to go somewhere

it's like that'll be an audio message or sometimes if it's something that I'm like I don't want a paper trail. Don't want any receipts about it i'm not like nothing incriminating it's just like it's really just if i don't have um time to text it out then i'll send that um no but riley and i are both we're both very pro phone call riley and i will do a phone call like even if it's five minutes five there's nothing wrong with a five minute phone call well there's nothing wrong with

it but here's the thing scott alf and i call each other at least every day because we have a codependent friendship which is kind of bare minimum 40 minutes i would say and so we are really i think we would actually drive each other crazy if it was a lot of voice memos or audio messages. I wouldn't get anything done if I was always listening to your voice memo and then trying to respond. I do appreciate getting an audio message when I'm driving. That's nice. That's true. Yeah.

Because then it is like a podcast. Like I'm happy to listen to this podcast if I have a little drive. Halfway through there's ads. They're like, oh my God, you got sponsored for this audio message? What the fuck? What the fuck? It's 23 minutes long. I get it. Sometimes it's just too many. I do have friends who they go over like the six minute mark and it's a lot of like, um, what was I saying? And I'm like, then just start it over. Start it over. Do a new one. I'd rather it be split up than like an eight minute one that I'm scrubbing through.

Yes, exactly. I get it. That's a good what shook me. I mean, sometimes I record an audio message, listen back to it, and I just go, this doesn't translate.

And I just delete it. And I don't send it. And I don't send it. Alf, that's insane. You screen the... You screen your own messages. That's crazy. You're like,

eh, no, no, no. I flubbed that. I flubbed that line. Yeah, totally. But don't you reread your texts before you send them? So what's the difference? You would send an email without rereading it? True.

Okay. Oh, true. I look at my audio messages like they're a self-tape. I'm like, oh my God. I can do better. I can do better. Let's do one more. Can we just, let's just do one more.

Let's just do one more. See what happens. See what happens. One more and then we're done. One more and then we're done. Now that we we just, let's just do one more. Let's just do one more. See what happens. One more and then we're done. One more and then we're done. Now that we have that, let's just do a loose one. Now that we have that. I don't need to be word perfect. I was so focused on the words.

I'm just going to do something different. Yeah. Because it's like, if they, you don't need to be word perfect for them to get it. It's like, they're either like me or they won't. They'll either get the message or they won't. Honestly, maybe I'll send two. Is that weird? I'll just send two.

I'll send two dots. Barely any difference. Two almost identical versions of the same audio message i smiled a little bit later in the second one so that might have a different did you catch that did you catch what i did there the beat at the end was so good alf what has been shaking your ass i saw a video on the internet of a man who was diving free diving and he was demonstrating the fact that you had to sew at the ready this is great as you go as you go deeper in the water you begin to sink which i didn't know did you guys know this i actually didn't know that in the water you float right up until about like i think it's like 50 feet. And then the weight of the water pushes you down.

Oh. So you start to sink. Oh. And I can't fucking stop thinking about it. Because I've always been like, yeah, if I was drowning, I mean, worst case scenario, I float, right? Well, you're not going that far down when you're drowning. But what if the boat, because you know what thought I've had before? A lot. You're driving over a bridge. You go off the bridge whoopsie daisy i'm in the water the car

sinks to the bottom how do i get out you crack the window you allow the water to go in the pressure equalizes you open the door and i've always been like and then i'll just i'll float up to the top but if you're too deep in there you might not you might be swimming like this and it's just pulling you down. And I can't stop thinking about that nightmare. Do you guys relate to that? That's fucking horrifying. Isn't that scary?

I never knew that. I mean, I'm with you. I do the same thing. Like, 90% of the time I'm on a bridge, I'm like, I'm thinking of how I'm going to, like, get out of my car if it goes off the edge. That's 90% of my thought process. 100%. Yeah, that's horrifying. I never knew we sync.

Well, Alf, now you've just entered and you've just added a new intrusive thought to my OCD anxiety lexicon. I'm sorry. I'll send you the video so you can really have it. No, because I scuba dive. And it's like you do have to add weights to your belt to stop you from floating because it's like, I don't think I've ever gotten so low that it's like, oh, shit, take the weights off. We're going down. But also, I feel like once you have once you're scuba diving and you have the tank, the tank floats like crazy. The tank floats.

And your vest also floats. so you equalize the vest. I think that helps. But if you're just nude, you're just free floating there. If you're driving your car naked and the car sinks, what are you going to do? We've all done it. We've all been there. Open your doors when you're driving over a bridge.

Just have your doors open. Just have the phone open. Just have a phone open. Just in case you have to bail out. But he did demonstrate that like between the floating moment and the sinking part, there is like an equilibrium where you can literally just like, you just are in pure stasis. You just float. And I was like, that seems pretty nice.

I think I could get into that. If you're so far down while you're scuba diving, Riley, can you puncture the bottom of your tank and then have it shoot you up like a rocket? Or is that just a cartoon? Kind of Looney Tunes? You know what? I think you actually could. So when you're on the ascent when you're diving,

you have to stop for five minutes because you need to have your body equalize the pressure because you can go up, you can get the bends, you can go up too quickly. And then it gets like so many bubbles in your system that you actually, it's like, you need to be put in like a pressurizing like tank. It's like very scary. It's like, if you don't. Bit much for a hobby, isn't it? Slow enough that could kill you. And so you really do need to be... Sounds so fun. You need to be very, very slow on the ascent so as

not to... And you need to keep, like, releasing air from your vest to make sure that you're not, like, shooting up to the top. Because you can just shoot up. Oh my god. Yeah. But it's very fun. I mean, it's so peaceful. It's like you're on the moon getting to see a bunch of animals that you've never get to see before. It's amazing.

I have something that's been shaking me for the past 16 hours. This is going to come as a shock to a lot of us, namely me. Okay. Listeners, you know me. You know kind of what I like and who I am. And I went to a football game at the Rose Bowl last night. Crazy. It was IU, UCLA.

But I had a fucking awesome time. Nice. I had an amazing time. No way. I realize I hate watching sports on TV. I think watching sports on TV is unbelievably boring and it doesn't interest me at all, except tennis. I could watching sports on TV is unbelievably boring, and it doesn't interest me at all, except tennis. I could watch tennis on TV all day.

You just liked challengers. That's all that is. No. Going to a game in person, incredible. Incredible. Totally. I went to an IU game in Indiana, a basketball game this past winter, and then I just went to the football game

love watching sports in person completely different experience the energy it was fantastic also iu won iu beat ucla it was like 42 to 13 and we were my dad and i were in the iu section and it was like by like the last five minutes all of the u UCLA fans were leaving. It was a great time. I like, I, I, I just love the realization, the realization of watching sports in person when your team wins kind of fun.

Even when it's not winning, even when we're not winning, it's like, I don't know who I become. I like, I had my IU get my dad's from Indiana. So that's where it's, and he went to IU.

So that's the Indiana of it all. It's because you're a theater kid. The energy is powerful when everybody is the crowd. That's why I support the Hoosiers. It's because you're a theater kid. Because you're a theater kid. I had like my IU shirt on. I got a beer and I was just, I'm like,

I was chanting along with everybody, first down Hoosiers. Like who the fuck? I was having a blast. I put on my Instagram story, and all my friends are mentioning, they're like, this is so upsetting to see. Like, who are you?

And I'm like, I don't know. She's been body snatched. She's different. I had an amazing time. I was high-fiving the guys around me. Like, it was like, I was, like, this is so enjoyable. And it's like, well, no shit. You see why millions of people, like, this is why it's, no shit. You see why millions of people...

You see why it's one of the most universal billion-dollar industries. I'm like, oh, wait. This is actually fun. So, yeah, that was really... I get it, though. I had to think a lot last night about my values and kind of what I enjoy.

It really shook up a lot of things in me of like, whoa, who is she? Who is she at a game? Wow. Who is she at a game? Who is she at a game? That's what I thought when I said, I thought, who is she at a game?

Who is she at a game? She at a game. I felt that way in college though, because like in Boston, I went to a couple hockey games. Oh, so fun. Hockey in person, my God, it's like being in the Coliseum. It's like the most fun thing ever. Hearing the smashing against the glass.

And then I tried to get into it like on TV and I would be like, yeah. No, you can't. It's not as fun when you can't see the blood, when you're not there in the moment. You know what I mean? Can't smell the iron in the blood exactly oh my gosh yeah i i've watched the ravens on tv that's like the team that i root for but i don't watch any other teams because that's the only one i get excited actually watching at home but if i if i was at a live game even if i didn't know either of the teams i could definitely see just being so energized at the end of the day it's about community isn't it we just like being in the community it is about

it's so fun like that's really what it felt like oh fuck yeah we're rooting for a team together um there was also something very gratifying about like you know this is so iu is not known for being a football school and so to come into u UCLA and like kick their ass was very funny. Um, even to me, like I was expecting UCLA to fucking crush. I, and I was like,

Oh, it'll be fun. I get to go do this thing with my dad. And then it just, um, it was a blast and, had a great time. Really shook me.

Well, I would do it again. I do wonder if the like, you know, 40 ounces of Coors Light had anything to do with it. No, I had like a quarter of it because I was driving. But I had chicky tendies and that was great. Okay, now that probably had something to do with it.

Nice. Put chicky tendies in front of me anywhere. Scott, thank you so much for joining us today. This has been such a fucking blast. Thank you both for having me. You're both hilarious. Love the show. Yeah, it's just been so much fun.

Where can people find you? Oh, yes. And find your book. And my book, scottc.com. Last name S-E-I-S-S. You can find tour dates for my standup. You can find links to my book, which is available now. The customer's always wrong.

Available anywhere books are sold. And yeah, ton of fun, y'all. Had a blast. Yay! You can find Alf on Instagram at AlfredInnet. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, Reddit r slash ReviewReview, and Discord ReviewReview. And Jeffrey James and I are still doing monthly Zoom parties. That's Ozarti, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley and Spa. And on Twitter.com, now known as XXX.com

for as long as it lasts, at Riley Coyote. And on TikTok on the clock till the party known. Stop at Riley and Spa. And as we say every single week on the show, we're always saying it. We're never not saying it. This is our slogan, our tagline. We're always saying.

And Scott knows it. That's why we're all going to say it together at the same time. Because we're always saying it. Fuckable animated Robin Hood. Fuckable animated Robin Hood. Animated Robin Hood. We'll see you guys next time. Thank you so much.

Bye. Bye. Bye. so much bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

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bye bye bye bye bye Never dreaming that a scheming lettuce and chipotle would poison them and make them have to blow. Oh, Riley Hood and Little Alf recording a pod and listen to the podcast every second day. That was a Hiddem original.