Review Revue - Rolling Backpacks

Episode Date: May 25, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about Rolling Backpacks and discuss fantastical delusions, physical prodigies, and mouth breathers!Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? I'm participating in restaurants for a limited time. If that's the case, then you and I start the show and we do acapella, right?

We go to pitch perfect land. And so I'll go ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. want to know how you feel. Want to love you so down and real. You make me want to go out of steel. I just want to fall. I just want fuck you All right, Pentatonix. That came in from Reggie, if you can fucking believe it. Reggie Watts?

I mean, yeah, that sort of cheapens it because obviously it's not Reggie Watts, but it is Reggie, one of our listeners. So thanks to Reggie for that. Thanks, Reggie. And also thanks, Reggie Watts, if you're listening and you want to send in a theme song. He doesn't want to. Like, I wouldn't be upset.

Of course you wouldn't. He doesn't want to sing for us. Why? He doesn't know us. He doesn't listen to the show. He's busy. He works for Corden. He actually used to date a friend's friend of mine.

That's really cool for you. Yeah, for me? A friend's friend. Yeah. Yeah, it really cool for you yeah for me friend's friend yeah yeah it's good for you it's good because the closer i can get to watts the better will be my thoughts of myself and what i stack myself up in comparison to others for this episode sponsored by better help hi hi riley oh god you know what i gotta start placing those not at the top of the app because you expect it now so now i just gotta stop putting it at the top of the app and then you gotta just never say it

i feel like it's no i shouldn't say it great um i've grown predictable to you i I don't surprise you anymore. So your way of changing that you're predictable in your words is to do the same joke, but just in a different time in the episode. When you put it like that. Yeah, which is what it is. When you put it the way it is. How's your Wednesday, May 19th? May 19th?

It's caffeinated. I can't not express to you how much bean juice I've consumed on the day. I had three coffees yesterday. Yeah. And I had a tummy ache. Nice. Jeff came over yesterday. We were filming a little thing with our friend, Alden Dirk.

Friend of the pod, Alden Dirk. And we had some coffee in the morning. It was my second cup. And then later, Jeff was like, can I have some more coffee? And I'm like, yes, I will brew you a pot because no one else was having any, which was totally fine. It couldn't be easier to do. I didn't want you to brew it. You brewed it against my will at that point.

You literally said I would like some. Then you're like, not if, but no, I don't want to be the only one you do exactly exactly but i thought you meant that that it's like oh no don't put yourself out like to make it like it truly couldn't be easier to make yeah yeah no it is exactly that no so i made it because i'm like this will take two seconds later cut to you know i make you a pot of coffee and by a pot i mean like a cup and a pot I didn't make an entire pot for Jeff to drink but um cut to like later I go down the street I pick up a latte I come home I have like half of it and I'm like Daniel my stomach hurts and he's like was that your third coffee I'm like yeah he's like thought so and he's like you know earlier I was sitting with Jeff and he was

sipping his coffee and that you told him you're like like, I can't finish. Like, I have to finish it. And Daniel's like, well, no, you don't have to. And then you were like, no, like Riley made me hot, so I have to drink it. That's another reason why I didn't want you to make it.

You didn't have to drink it. I did. No, you didn't. I ended up being, I went to sleep at midnight. It was fine. So my fears were fine. They were, they were, they were up being, I went to sleep at midnight. It was fine. So my fears were fine. They were, they were quelled.

They were, they were unfounded, I should say. They were quelled? They were unfounded. And I was unsmiling. I was in a lot of pain. So you're a caffeinated boy. Yeah, what about you? I found what I thought was a little piece of seaweed in my coffee this morning.

I don't know how it got there. Or maybe it was just like part of like a green, a leafy green that got stuck to it in the dishwasher and didn't come out. I don't know how it got there or maybe it was just like part of like a green a leafy green that got stuck to it in the dishwasher and didn't come out i don't know but when i picked out the mug this morning i didn't see it in there and it wasn't obviously there's like it was just very jarring because like in the mornings i meditate and i drink coffee and so i was i was like really in it i took a sip of a liquid expecting it to be only that and then to feel something that wasn't that yeah enter my mouth i immediately spat it out and then our instant pot was being weird it's just been it's been really sounds awful it's a really bad morning i'm so sorry to hear that we're also recording back to back it's okay no i've been excited for this especially because today's ep is something that's really near and dear to my heart yeah it really is um

and i knew that you would say that um how did you know i would say that because of course of all people i know riley marie judan spa would have a rolling backpack. Well, here's the thing. You'd think so, and you're right, but want to hear a story that makes me want to cry? You would think what you think, and you're exactly right.

You would think what it is is true, and it is. What's the story? On the first day of sixth grade, I was entering a new school and starting middle school. Because the school that I went to, it was six through 12. So I'm like, okay, starting a new school, starting middle school, here we go.

I wanna make friends, I wanna make a good impression. This is the first day of the rest of my life. I get a pink rolling backpack with my initials on it nice i was so excited i thought it was so cute i thought it was so cool there are photos of me like my mom always takes like first day of school photos there are photos of me on my doorstep with the rolling backpack i'm like oh my god people are gonna love my pink embroidered rolling backpack i get to school sure no one has a rolling backpack everyone thinks they're lame of course and i was mortified and i was also heartbroken because i was so excited about it and like couldn't wait for it to come and it had my initials and like i was

so embarrassed rolling around school to my backpack and i literally get home and i'm like mom i need a new backpack and she's like what you just got this one i'm like no like no one uses rolling backpacks and it just it makes me so sad to think of that um yeah you should do some inner child work but i could have used one because i never i don't know about you i hated using my locker for me it cut down on passing period time it cut down on time to talk to friends to boys to have a snack so i would carry and then my you know the backpack that i eventually did get i would carry every single book that i needed for that day have back pain but it was worth it to not waste my time at a locker i think i did the exact opposite really i didn't want back pain and it was fine

to stop by my locker but also maybe it was set up different like our lockers weren't in the halls there was like a locker area yes same it was far away from the classes yeah i guess mine were too but i'd rather like sprint to class with like a lighter bag than for sure carry those books like you're talking about the potential of being late to class versus the definite back pain that you're going to have. It wasn't even being late to class. I just, I didn't, I'm like, I could, that's like, then that's my passing period time is going to the locker and changing up books. Or I could hang with a friend for five or ten minutes. And that was more worth it to me. I just did it like, we basically had like three chunks to the day. We had the first two classes and then we had like a 15 minute break.

And then we had the next two classes, lunch, and then the last three classes or something like that. So I would just I would just use those breaks. So like like the first break and then lunch would be when I swept up like swatched out, swapped out the books for those two or three classes worth of books. That's what I'm saying is that I use that time to be a social butterfly period time that's a break like we had full breaks not just the five we had full breaks too then i don't know why you did what you did i think it's insane no you don't understand is i'll i'll break my fucking back to talk to a friend for two minutes. You can do both. Also, what great conversation were you having that you needed to break your spine?

You wouldn't fucking get it. I don't. I'm in a back brace. You have to sleep in metal now, yeah. No. Riley, do you want to start us off with our first review? Wait, did you ever have a rolling backpack? I never had a rolling backpack because i wasn't a nerd elizabeth valente had a rolling backpack for like five years but somehow careful her having it is kind of awesome well

what about me having it i never judged you for having it it was your classmates i don't think anyone actually judged me i think i was just so terrified of like because i was in a new school with like new people that is like well i don't want to be that person but looking back i'm like bitch you should have just owned it you were so excited about it yeah you could have been the roller backpack girl and that's what i would have been known as for six years rbg uh do you want to start us off the the two that i have are for just like a classic larger size jansport rolling backpack yeah also something i tweeted last night which kind of ties into this like the brand of jansport and five star which is like the folders the notebooks and stuff like that they're the same to me they are like they're interchangeable in my mind yeah if if you showed me like a jams for a backpack but the logo was

five star like i used to think like oh five star the people who make the backpacks also make folders anyway um okay this is four stars from dr benjamin that's first and last name he's just a doctor the title is good but dot dot dot dot darn zippers could be better i have no complaints other than the zippers which sorry i have no complaints other than the zippers which seem to be cheap and nasty having owned a range of backpacks, this has generally been a problem other than with some top quality and top price European brands.

Getting the zippers to work cooperatively and properly is not quite the current bane of my life, but almost. Thanks so much for coming in. You know, I see a lot with a lot of older men, you know, it's hard for them to open up in therapy. But I just want you to know that this space is yours to use however you want it to. So we don't have to dive in. We don't have, we can.

Whatever you want, this space is yours and we can kind of ease into it or whatever you want to do. Thank you. You know, my wife she uh she's the one who convinced me to come here i'm i'm not usually the kind of guy to open up you know when i was growing up i thought there i thought therapy was was just a bunch of witchcraft but uh you know maybe it could be used for something i don't know um i mean sorry what do you mean witchcraft? Like your friends would go to therapy and they would magically get better?

And so you thought. You know, my buddies from the mines would, they'd come out of the mines one day being like me. And then they'd go away for an hour a week for about a couple months. And then they'd come back and be different and it just you know it happened so suddenly and they were totally changed like better they were better different they were I mean they were different I don't know if it's

to say better or worse I mean you know does that imply I'm not as good maybe but they were happier they seemed more fulfilled so you thought that it was due to like some kind of witch's brew? Some spell that was cast on them? Well, I don't know. They said

my heart is changed. My mind is open. And I thought, they get inside your head? They get all up in your thoughts and change your thoughts? That's crazy. This is interesting that you think that anytime something changes significantly, it's due to some kind of magic.

What happens when every four years, when election season rolls around and the administration changes, what do you think that is? I don't get involved with that. For the election season, I stay inside. And why is that? Because everyone outside, they start putting signs up on their lawn. They start talking about all these ideologies, all these ideas.

And I think, where did you get those? We weren't talking about that a couple months ago. And now suddenly it's like everyone had these thoughts put in. But I will give credit to my wife who insists that it's not witchcraft, who insists that it's not anything invasive. There's no brain surgery. There's no you looking in my ears. There's no you putting anything in there.

And so that is just talking. Probing, yeah. This is what I was worried about. That's what it is. That's what it is. You think it's alien life forms? I don't know. I can see the degrees on your wall that you studied for this,

and I think that's fantastic. But I just want to say, I put some earmuffs on. I just want to say that you're not getting in here. Not today. Why do you think you're so resistant to change? So resistant that you think that there has to be some kind of otherworldly powers at bay for any change to occur? I'm a man who likes to be in control. I mean, I just, I feel like I am Captain Ahab of the ship of my life.

And if I'm not at the helm, then I'm lost at sea. Then that white whale gets away from me. Okay. Is this going down some kind of road where you're going to say that there's pirates at work? Because everything to you seems to be, like, fantastical. I tap on the earmuffs. These things must not be working, because I don't know how you were reading my thoughts like that.

I was just going to say that, you know, all my college buddies who tried to convince me to do this or that, or, you know, leave the football team and join the baseball team and, you know, ask girls out. They were like pirates trying to take my ship away. And I said, no, I'm gonna stay on the football team. I'm gonna stick with my girl. And here we are 37 years later. But were you happy on the football team? Were you happy with my girl and here we are 37 years later but were you happy on the football team were you happy with your girl because it really just sounds like friends reaching out but you think that they're like blackbeard's crew or something well you know for a long time it was we had so i'm

laughing because it's like you know i defeated them in the end my cannons were more powerful I had more ammo when it came down to it I blew them away just being pushing your friends away well they had their cannons up at me and I had mine up at them they had an olive branch

that's what they had friend to friend olive branch my girl, my wife she stuck with me through it all. And in that way, I think she's almost like a little Tinkerbell. She's almost like a little fairy. How fucking so? Pardon my French. Well, to me, no offense, but all women I think of as little sprites of little fairies.

They're bringing their magic around. And sometimes it's nice, but sometimes they're a little pesky, like a little mosquito. I just get out of my ear, you know, get out of my ear. And with the pirates and the witches and the fairies, a man's got to stay at home, protect himself. Yeah, so you've been a hermit for a while? Because if you're, I'm sorry, but a rational furious. I go to the mines.

I go to the mines. I do work. I go to the mines. Yeah. With my backpacks on. Sure. And, you know, sometimes it is hard. Well, that's, you know, my wife, she sent me here because she says,

you can't stop talking about those zippers drew you can't stop and so if you want to write that down i see you have that notebook you've barely touched it if you want to write down the zippers i write down notes so that i can kind of make connections within like intricacies and there's things that i might not zippers are vampires to me. The zippers, you know, and the backpacks that I take down to the mines, they're sucking the life out of me. They're sucking the life out of me.

I take too long to open and close a backpack, put my belongings in there, put my special items, and it just takes too long. And so those are just little, each one is a Dracula unto himself, I think at the end of the day and and you know it's i don't i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to turn into

a vampire so i'm not going to let that control me so i just take ziploc bags now it's easier than taking the zipper on the jansport or something like that you take multiple ziploc bags into the coal mine because you think zippers... Freezer bags, yeah. Freezer bags. That's not what you said, but yeah. Well, Ziploc freezer bags. You ever use a Ziploc freezer bag? You put a couple chickens, put a steak in there, put it in the freezer.

It's good. What are you writing down? We have to finish up. You barely wrote anything. What are you going to do for our next session? Is it because I have the earmuffs on? Do you want me to take them? I don't know.

No, that's a little scary. All right, I'll try. Take them off. Are you happier now? I feel like you couldn't do your job before, but now I feel like you can probe me. I'm not an alien. You can get on in there. I'm not an alien.

I'm not a witch. I'm not a warlock. My pen isn't a wand. You're waving it. It's a pen. There's a lot in me. I know. That's why I haven't had to write anything down that i've pushed down yeah and so i kind of use the metaphors as a way to make them more joyful and more fantastical and whimsical rather than airing out the dirty laundry that that you know old drew just

doesn't have the time to old drew sorry your name is benjamin what who's old drew is that sounds like some kind of sorcerer i'm a dr jekyll mr hyde kind of guy so you yourself are a fantastical character all right i'm gonna need to see you three times a week for the next six months. Jesus Christ. All right, should we take a break? Oh, please. Marty. And we're back.

All right, I have a five-star review. This is from Amazon customer. Or no, sorry, this is from Colleen. Colleen Ballin. Colleen Ballin. This is for, it's a five-star review of J World New York Sunrise Rolling Backpack. Jesus Christ. Very pink and colorful.

Five stars? Five stars. From Colleen Ballin and colorful. Five stars? Five stars. From Colleen Ballin. Yes. I bought this for my daughter for the start of school. She's nine. I have to begrudgingly admit, she abuses this thing. Like, you wouldn't believe.

I mean, she's running with it where it's bouncing around behind her over uneven and broken pavement, throwing it in the car or into her line at school so that she can run and play with her friends. Not to mention it's always loaded with books, binders, pads, etc. It's held up great. I mean, this thing is made so well. No rips, no tears. The wheels still work perfectly and aren't loose.

I would buy this thing again in a heartbeat. What a way to end. That's the idea of somebody just abusing a rolling backpack, but not even like through general wear and tear and use. Or almost using it as a weapon. I was just going to say use it. Yeah. Show up to, okay, first first day little league tryouts all

right all right kids i know everyone's excited to be the next batter up okay so we're gonna we're gonna start with that we're gonna start just everyone taking a couple swings all right uh so i will toss you the ball i'll give you a little pitch pitch. And one by one, let's just try and, you know, the goal of the day, not a home run, is not anything. Just try and hit bat to ball. All right, kids? All right. So I'll be your coach for today, Coach Avery. And let's just see how you do. All right. So we have number one on our roster. We have Clarence. Clarence, come on up. Yeah, I've been practicing all summer. Oh, Clarence, I had your older brother on my team a couple of years ago.

I know it runs in the family, little man. You pitch, I fully miss. Damn it. Oh, it's all right. It's all right. You know, we're going to get a couple tries each. So why don't you go back to the back of the line and, you know, hey, we're just getting warmed just getting warmed up all right next next we have roman yeah okay roman yeah big for my age i'm really big for my age i wasn't gonna say anything but you know i can tell

someone's been eating their vegetables and drinking their milk. Muscle milk. Pitch it. He pitches it. Okay. There you go. I swing very weakly and I, like, foul ball it. Oh, hey, you know what?

No, no, no. Don't get upset. Don't make that face. You look so sad, little dude. No, I almost had it. But hey, I guess I made contact. I made contact. You made contact.

Your voice is so low, man. Puberty's coming, isn't it? It's already here. It's already here. This little twig of a girl who looks like a childhood Liz Lemon walks up. Okay, Teresa, come on. Come on. This little twig of a girl who looks like a childhood Liz Lemon walks up. Okay. Teresa, come on.

Yes, here we go. I don't know if I'm going to be any good at this. No, come on. I think you're going to be great. Is it your first? I haven't seen you out here before. Is it your first time? Yeah.

Okay. Well, you know what? Hey, there's a first time for everything. Again, we're all going to have a couple tries of this, so if you don't want to hit it this time, I don't want you to get discouraged. This sport is for everybody. All right, you ready, Slugger?

Yeah, I got it. She pulls out her rolling backpack and uses it as a bat. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We have, sorry, can someone hand Teresa a bat? Roman, can you give your bat to Teresa? Yeah, here you go. Oh, I've only ever swung things. This is the only thing I've ever swung, but yeah, I could try this bat.

Wow, it's way lighter than my backpack. Okay, well, let's try with this. Let's try with this. Okay, pitch you one. Huge 400-yard home run. Oh, my God. Was that good? I've never seen anything like that.

Hey, hang on a second. What the hell was that? Listen, everyone. She's taking performance enhancing drugs. I don't think you're taking performance enhancing drugs. What? Who told you? We'll talk about this later. He runs off.

Clarence walks up. Let me try this. It can't be that heavy. He tries to pick it up once and pulls his back. Cut to her on the Today Show. Here we have with us, we are so lucky to have her in the studio today. She is nine years old. The crowd goes, aw.

No, no, no. Don't let her age fool you. She is a queen of all trades. She is a prodigy. She is a future Olympian, that's for sure. And among other things, she's just the sweetest girl I've ever met. Please welcome Teresa B. Hi, honey.

Thank you so much for coming to the studio today we're so happy to have you hi do you need some water honey i know hey she's a little she's a little nervous everyone's oh why don't why don't you just tell us about you know what you're up to these days we we know we heard the news about you getting the best time of the triathlon, you know, the state of Utah has ever seen. And we just want to know more. Like, what is Teresa doing now? What is she up to? What's going on with you?

A lot of my skills have come from just happening to own a rolling backpack. And, you know, kids obviously are pushed a little hard in schools. A lot of books. And that's kind of how i developed superhuman strength um so i guess i'm just trying to make it through school and i also broke a power lifting record i think for greatest deadlift everyone's just kind of silent it's um there's a couple stones it was like two tons or something it was a truck at the end of the day it was a truck well i deadlifted a truck yeah the producers wheel out like they bring a truck into the studio you hear someone in the crowd just go lift the truck lift the truck no oh guys. No, she's on her day off.

You don't want to deadlift a truck in this studio. It was honestly, the deadlift was easy. I was surprised. They told me it broke a world record. I was like, what? That was a warm-up. So I could try curling it. Curl the truck.

Curl the truck. Curl the truck. Curl the truck. She picks it up and just fully curls it, puts it right back down, sits back down. Did you say you had water? Roman bursts into the door. I've been training for two years. Let me, give me this truck.

He grabs it, tries to deadlift it. Oh, no. He turns around as tries to deadlift it. Oh no! He turns around as he's about to die. You did this to me! You did this to you! Really? Really? I don't know that.

I've been taking performing enhancing drugs for my whole life we know the whole crowd we know we can see he melts everyone's just like he's finally at rest

now he can sleep do you want to do your next review again this is for the jansport classic roller this is from robert n nickel robert nickel four stars the title plenty of room but noisy wheels bag is great plenty of room to hold two large books, loaded three ring binder, a laptop, and miscellaneous supplies. Even room for food and a water bottle. My only complaint is the hard plastic wheels. They're very loud and obnoxious.

Classmates and teachers should not be able to hear me coming from a mile away. I almost imagine him like a swiperiper like from Dora kind of guy and just people being able to hear him he's a mouth breather yeah and so like I was saying like I went to get a coffee and you know obviously

I would prefer the oatmeal because I'm just sorry I need to I'll need to call you back Larry Larry I hear you what? oatmeal because I'm just sorry I need to I'll need to call you back Larry Larry I hear you what? behind a wall

there's no Larry here well now you're talking Larry I can obviously hear you cut to a wedding if anyone here objects please speak now or forever hold your peace sir do you have

sorry I've never done this in my 25 years in the clergy sir do you have something to say what no I would love to see these two live a happy life together then could you please remain silent what made you think that I had something to see these two live a happy life together then could you please remain silent? what made you think that I had something to say? cut to a funeral

and I'd love if we all just took a moment of silence for for Rebecca because she was the best mom in the world and you know I think all of us would really just love you know if we could just take a moment of silence to honor the wonderful life that she led and the loved ones who she's left to carry on her legacy.

Larry! Hey, this is a moment of silence. I know! Larry, get out of me! This is disrespectful. Now this is disrespectful. This is disrespectful. This is disrespectful.

All right, that was a quick one. Do you want to do one more? Yeah. All right, this is a five-star review of the, it's just like a black rolling Mateen backpack. Five stars. From Monica. Last name for Monica?

Monica Shelf. Monica Shelf. Monica Shelf. She says, I love this as my college nursing book bag. It's very sturdy and I carry around so much stuff like my laptop, tablet, textbooks, notebooks, etc. Everything fits in there without the bag even tilting. That's such a professional environment to have a rolling backpack. And one that

I know this one doesn't tilt, but like, because I know it's like, even a regular backpack, it's like the one that just kind of like, you have to keep picking it up. I'm so sorry about that. Mrs. Tilden, is your attorney going to be here soon because we really have to get this deposition started? No, absolutely.

I'm so sorry. She's never usually late. Let me just check my text. No, she is. She's pulling up right now. I'm so sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

She's like bursts in with a huge rolling back. Sorry, I'm so late. Here we go. Sets it up. Pushes the thing down. Opens her thing. Takes out a bunch of documents. Sorry about that.

Let's get started. Okay. Thank you so much. We're going to win this case. We're out a bunch of documents. Sorry about that. Let's get started. Okay. Thank you so much. We're going to win this case. We're going to win this case. Yes, yes. You told me that outside. We don't have to do that in here. I'm so sorry. This is such a small thing, but is that a rolling backpack? Yes. Wow. I've just, yeah, never seen an attorney at law have a rolling backpack. Sorry. i feel like we don't need to dwell on this this this is hardly the most important thing of the day and um i'd really appreciate if we could just get to the case and by the way i have a metal plate in my back because i had scoliosis she did so that's why i have a rolling backpack, asshole. Yeah. Well, it's okay.

Sorry about her. We don't need that kind of language. No, I'm offended, obviously, because it's the rolling backpack for my back. It's not really for my back. I actually kind of like how it looks. I know. Can we please just get to the case? This is about custody over my kid, and I really...

Let's get to the case. Got it. But before we do it's a jam sport and those have always been cool rebecca i want to get full custody of thea full custody oh you're not gonna get that jesus maybe that's that is on the record that stenographer did you get that no please no she doesn't know what she's talking about it's the metal plate in her back please rebecca Rebecca, for the last time, please. Excuse me?

Oh, my God. The metal plate in my back does not lead to anything. It's lead. In terms of cognitive function. It's lead. Yeah, it's lead. Yeah, it's lead. You think I don't know that?

I live with it every fucking day. It's lead. It's a lead disc in my fucking third half of my spine. I know it's lead. And that's what I'm saying is that maybe you're not the right person to be helping me with custody case for my child after my divorce. I came highly recommended to you. You did by my ex-husband. And so it's taken me this long to realize that I think he was just setting me up, setting me up to have the worst attorney possible. I'm so sorry.

Can we? Yeah, let's just get it started. Let's get it started. Oh, God. OK. You live in a condo. That's correct. I do live in a condo.

And it is above what seems to be an all night club. It's like kind of in the downtown area. It is in the downtown area. But the club owner is my cousin. And so he's actually, he's fully aware that, you know, I'd be a single mom. And he promises that,

you know, he will keep things as normal and quiet as he possibly can. I assure you, it'll be a perfectly safe environment. Let the record show that she's close friends and fraternizes with club owners. Well, he's my cousin.

I wouldn't say he's just a close friend. He's, it's, no. Well, you guys do hang out a lot. You guys definitely hang out a lot. Like when you don't have your kids, you are often at the club. She's pulling out like a pack of five gum from the front zip of the rolling bag.

Five? No, not now, Rebecca. Are you sure? It's not just any gum, it's five. I understand, Rebecca. This is a really big fucking day. Okay. No, don't.

Don't. You've heard cursor. Do you say fuck like three times today already? No, I wasn't gasping at that. I was gasping at the gum. I'm really stimulating. Oh, my God. Listen, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

I just would like to point out that that was an unearned outburst. And if you're anything like that around your kids, I don't know if you're going to be a savior. Your Honor, it wasn't an unearned outburst. Have you seen my attorney? I would caution you against addressing the chair directly. I would go through your attorney. I really don't want to. What are you doing?

What are you doing, sir? Okay, then Rebecca. Let me talk to you. Let me talk to you. Okay, great. Then can you tell them how shit I think you are at your job? Please? Would you tell the judge that you're a client?

I don't see how that's helpful. Do it. No. That is, you have to express my wishes to the judge. Now you tell him what I think. Let's see what I say. Let's see what I say. Let's see what you say.

My client would like you to know that I'm actually, she thinks that I'm a really good attorney. No. She thinks that the dance floor is pretty damn cool. She thinks the rolling backpack is absolutely utilitarian because I have a lead disc in my back. I'm just weeping. Never gonna see Thea again.

Yeah, you know what? I had a lot more prepared, but I think that I rest my case, Your Honor. No. Closing argument. No. Not for your custody thing because you've obviously lost out on that.

Rebecca, that's your fault. I had a horrific fall on a cruise ship. I fell off of the boat and I hit the water and from that height, it's basically like hitting hard concrete. So I broke my spine in three places

and at the time, the only technology that they had was lead. They had lead, yeah. So excuse me if I have a rolling backpack, you're on. Should we do our last segment? Yes. This should be all week long.

Elizabeth Valenti is an olivia rodrigo stan she unironically has been watching high school musical the musical the series and that's totally fine but i it took me a little bit longer but i think i'm becoming an olive fuck me and olivia Rodrigo Stan, myself. Good For You, her latest single off her album Sour, which is coming out this Friday, the 21st, has been stuck in my head for days. Elizabeth and I have been listening to it on repeat. I think she is amazing um and her music is all i want to listen to her three songs that are out are all i want to listen to i thought she had way more i mean she has a lot of stuff from the high school musical show but i don't really want to listen to that so these three songs i just she's so good truly that what's what's shaking me is that like it's good for you has been stuck in my head like in different parts for the past couple days and usually when that

happens with a song like I'll get so fucking sick of it and I'm like I I can't do it anymore but it's just such a bop that I don't mind. That being said, the other night I couldn't fall asleep because it was stuck in my head so loudly. Normally it's like something just playing in the back of my mind that I can kind of dry off, but I felt like I was listening to it with headphones in. It was that in my brain. So loudly.

Yeah, you showed me her stuff. You showed me Good For You yesterday. And Driver's License. You hadn't heard Driver's License until yesterday. I hadn't heard it all the way through. I'd heard it. But I did love sitting with Jeff. We were writing a sketch.

And I was like, I have Good For You stuck in my head. And Jeff's like, I haven't heard any of her stuff. We play it. And halfway through Driver's License, or Good For, I forget which one we listened to first. I think Driver's License, you're like, oh, that's fucking good. I'm like, yeah. It's really good.

No, it was for Good For You. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was the chorus of Good For You. You're like, oh, that's awesome. Driver's License is fine. I mean, it's good, but it's like a lot of other songs. I think Good For You. Good For You is.

You were telling me. It's like Avril Lavigne style. It's like Avril Lavigne, Paramore, Ali and AJ. Which alien aj which is my shit i love it all that shit's my shit what's been shaking you miss me uh i guess i got a haircut i had to get it cut for a shoot and um good and bad shaking i i was this morning i was like oh i kind of missed the long hair but it's also like easier to maintain and uh hair grows back but that's truly it like my hair got chopped it looks nice it looks good i just miss being able to like put it in a bun and i miss it'll go back it'll go back faster because it's trimmed and nice no it's it's i definitely needed a haircut and if i hadn't gotten it cut on set which was

free which was nice um i would i probably I probably would have seen my barber this week to get it cut for just to cut the dead ends off. It looks nice, Jeffrey. Thanks. Oh, also Dead & Company announced their tour 2021. I'm going two dates at the Hollywood Bowl with my buddy Ivan. Amazing. I'm so excited. That's really exciting.

The one shitty part is that it's hollow weekend, which is my favorite holiday. Why is it shitty? It's shitty. Cause like, I, why can't it be the next weekend? You know? Cause then I have two great weekends.

I have hollow weekend where there's going to be stuff going on. If you're going twice, then just go once. Yeah. Maybe I'll just go once, but I, if every show is different, so you kind of want to go and they're playing three nights. I'm like, if it was another weekend, I would try just go once. But every show is different. So you kind of want to go.

And they're playing three nights. I'm like, if it was another weekend, I would try to go all three nights. So I'm just, I'm a little pissed. But I am excited. It's the same thing to be mad about. I know. Like, it's insane to be mad about. Like, I'm going to have a good weekend no matter what.

But I'm like, I could have two great weekends. And after this pandemic year, that pisses me off. Anyway, should we thank some VI podcasts? Yes, let's thank some VI podcasts. Big thank you to Aaron Carrico. Adam Shea. Agent Gray Michael Hasty Skarn. Ako.

Alan. Alex Witt. Alvar Walsh from Lindell. Anna Liv. Anthony Amadeo. Austin Froston, a cup stomp cake-ston. Bag of dew, the cash went through. Monkey see, monkey do.

I paid a monkey to throw its poop at me. I'm bad with money and monkey. Jesus Christ. Bird Cohen. Bob Buell, but I'm considering changing my name to Gray. It just has a powerful air about it. Gray Buell. I really don't think so.

Brad Hild. Brian Dodd. Chuck. Cameron Bradley. Chasten Bales. Christian Bale Dior with a Veronica Webb. Connor Finnegan. Curbature.

Damian M. Tarkander Gunderson Kirk. Daniel Powerpuff Club. Douglas, a.k.a. Doge-less, a.k.a. someone who saw how rich Jeff got and went all Douglas aka Doge-less aka someone who saw how rich Jeff got and went all in on Doge right before it fell off a cliff Eric Gray is cooler than me Hallie is my best friend and my podcast

is fine Fancy Octopus God damn it you guys God damn it you guys God damn it you guys God damn it, you guys. Gray here. And I am summoning the Gray Army to defend my cool name and prove Jeffrey frickin' James wrong. Greg Bird.

What are you eating? Ice. Hallie, aka Gray Hasty's twin, this is out of hand. Hey, hand Hey Jack it's Laura I literally answer all of your calls You are honest to god the most clingy person I've ever met Again I really hope this isn't real Hey Laura it's Jack You've blocked me and everything else so this is my last resort

Please call me I miss you so much Holly Isaac Puff You can't just say that Isaac Puff new patron You can't just say you're a new patron Y'all this is the most unhinged week of names Jake the Snake Raddiff

Jake Knight Jake Ullman Jamie Ponce Jared Jasper Hoffman but for the love of Marty Will someone please gainfully Or not Employ Nolan Whittlebaby Murphy

Jesse Tipton Jive Gosley Jonas Sanchez Jub Jacob Jingle Ha Jive Got it Jub Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

Caleb Lester Kevin Sunt Kinsey Owes Lauren Malang Lord Hunter the Cool Malik Mark Priest Matthew Lizama

Michael Rowland Mr. Tuesday Night has had enough of your sass, Mr. James So actually that is enough out of you My name is Jeffrey James and I love Downtown by Macklemore Nate Porteus Mickey Crunch I think that's a new patron That is a new patron, hello

Nolan Murphy, aka, oh my. Nolan Murphy, a.k.a. Oh, my God. Nolan Murphy, more like Brolin Murphy. So it's Murphy and Crocs working for the CIA, tricking Emily Blunt Brolin style. Get a job. Nothing sometimes. P. Phoebe. Phoenix McVernon.

Rooster Williams. Sam Adams. Sam Armstrong. Sarah Hernandez's shaved head. Sarah Kilduff. Slick Ricky. Space Ant. Spencer. Sam Adams. Sam Armstrong. Sarah Hernandez's shaved head. Sarah Kilduff. Slick Ricky. Space Ant. Spencer.

Steph Cavs. T, well, R. The review. The review review Instagram, because obviously that's the only way anything gets put on there. These vagabondles are longing to Bob. Ty Sambi's famously fabulous fat fanny. Will Benitez.

Xander Madsen. And Yaro Bouchard. So thanks again for subscribing at the highest tier. If you also want to be a patron, support the show, patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. And if not, we'll see you guys again next week. Arrivederci. That was a Hiddem Original.