Review Revue - Sandals Beach Resorts (w/ Jeff Probst!)

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

Television's Jeff Probst (host of Survivor) joins Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about Sandals Beach Resorts and discuss quarantining in Hawaii, vacation peer pressure, and island time.Follow Jeff, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: @jeffprobst, @reillyanspaugh, & @iamgeoffreyjamesTwitter: @JeffProbst, @reilecoyote, & @dontplaynojamesAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm participating in restaurants for a limited time. This is Jeff Probst, and you're listening to Review Review. I just want to know how you feel. I want a love that's so proud and real. You make me want to go out and steal. I just want to rent you. Guys, we have a very special guest. This is, we're not even going to like beat around the bush. We're not going to do a little banter beforehand.

We're not going to waste time with me and Jeff James because what the fuck's the point in that? What's that? We have one of the dearest people, one of my most incredible family friends, an uncle of sorts. And what's really cool about this person is that it's like, I think we both share something really cool in common and that like we both are hosts and we both host, I think, like really famous things. Not really, though, right?

I think what's cool is that it's like- Multiple Emmy winnings. No, but I think what's cool is that it's like I co-host a niche comedy podcast and he hosts a 40 season show called Survivor. So, well, Jeff, why are you here? What up, Riley? What up, Jeff?

Thanks for coming on. Riley, I love that I've made an uncle of sorts. That's a high compliment. That's high praise. I mean, you basically are. Jeff has known me since I had a gap in my teeth and wore

pink ensembles every day. Jeff has known me for a long time. Riley sometimes just texts me like childhood photos and I'm like, nothing's changed. You like look more mature and put together, but your personality is still this kid who's like crouching in a devil Halloween costume and scowling at the camera.

You know, it's interesting to hear you say that, Jeff, because I've been around Riley for a long time since she was, I don't know, I mean, really little. Like seven or eight. Yeah, right. But it's only been in the last, I'd say, several years where I actually feel like I'm getting to know Riley as this young woman,

this force writer, actor, comedian, big time host of a big time podcast so that's all the cool things about me now do jeff who you've just met minutes ago you just met me 20 minutes ago now jeff what what is great about you that i can already tell is that with the dodger cap and that opening thing where you do with the head tilt is that you are clearly super talented. And I know, even though I know nothing about you. Can you just say, can you just do one thing? And I'll put this at the top of the episode. Can you just say, this is Jeff Probst

and you're listening to Review Review. This is Jeff Probst and you're listening to Review Review. So there you go. That's all we need. That's all the time we have. So thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for coming. Jeff, how's your quarantine been like from March till now?

What have you been up to? Highlights, lowlights, and everything in between? Highlights, we were, the way our schedule with our family and my work works is that typically we go to spring break in Hawaii for a week in March because the kids are out of school. We have a 16-year-old and a 14-year-old. And then I go on to Fiji and shoot Survivor. for a week in March because the kids are out of school. We have a 16-year-old and a 14-year-old. And then I go on to Fiji and shoot Survivor.

We went to Hawaii and then we canceled Survivor. So we stayed in Hawaii. And what we thought was going to be, let's just stay another couple days, turned into three and a half months. No way. It was maybe the three. Yeah, Jeff, it was – I'm not kidding. Probably the best three and a half months of my last 20 years because we had two family friends there. So their kids were there and we're all friends. So we kind of just quarantined together. We only saw each other. We had dinners every night. We played tennis in the morning. It was like life had stopped and nothing was happening. And then I would call back to LA to my friends and they would say,

could you please stop sending photos? This is a hellscape. We're living through the apocalypse. We're living through a pandemic. Yes. You created a utopia, a version of that society could operate as. Yes. And here's what I learned that I am a commune type of guy. I just need a neighborhood with maybe 12 houses, and then I'll pick the 12 families that live in it. With a few people maybe wanting to paint their house purple or something weird, everything should go pretty well. We'll cook for each other. We'll hang out. We won't hang out.

I don't really need a giant world. I just need my little circle. All white linen dresses and smocks yeah i was gonna say this is how this is how charles manson like pitches this life to you and you're like this sounds pretty nice i'll let's do it what's what's the most challenging part of being with three families or however many on an island during a global pandemic uh that's a good question anybody voted off no and we actually had no argument which we all kept secretly going sooner or later right

somebody's gonna have a cocktail and say by the way pro enough with the enough with the commune talk put on some clothes bro, bro. What are you doing? I got my kids here, man. No, it was, it was great, Jeff.

It really was great. And then we came back to LA and then I did really start to appreciate it with, in all seriousness, I did start to appreciate that I'd been completely out of touch.

I just really couldn't appreciate those first three months because we weren't here. But now we've been here for months and I haven't left this house in months except i see riley i see riley and some other friends and that that's really about it a very small a very small little pod yeah that's the way to do

it though is to like it's really for me the quarantine has shown me like who do i actually like because who do i want to like almost risk my at least health maybe life for i mean even even when i see probes it's like i haven't i haven't hugged you in like a year like it feels like it's only been a few months what do you mean well i mean it's just like we had a fight before then so like that kind of wasn't about the pandemic it was like we were in just kind of a tip it was i mean that was not a fight that was not a fight it was an argument so you were on the island you were in hawaii i was on the island and then you know he's like we're all equal here and i'm like that doesn't make sense to me tell but tell

them why no it's just it's like we were all in the pool or sorry i was in the pool everyone wanted to get in and i'm like no this is this is the this is my time this is this is you know like was it like a small pool like just a lap pool or would they've all no it was like it was like a pretty everyone could have fit right olympic but it's like with my position everyone meaning everybody at the resort everyone at the resort could have fit several hundred people right that's what i said it was a wave pool no and that's when it all kind of turned south. But speaking of resorts, speaking of pools, speaking of beaches and islands, and, you know, we were kind of island-inspired, given Jeff Probst, your line of work, and you live in Fiji most of the year when, you know, it is safe to do so.

Today, we are talking about none other than sandals beach resorts sorry not a beach it's fine i almost said beach but i didn't know if you were gonna say beach um so it's like a little quirky and cute so guys do you have any experience either? Because I know I've seen a bunch of, I've never been to a Sandals, but I have seen so many ads for them. I feel like I've been like they're really their PR team blasts Sandals ads like nobody's fucking business. And I feel like the vibe of it, I think they always advertise it being like it's in like a super inclusive package kind of experience. Yeah, like all things included,

flat rate. It's expensive, but you don't have to pay for food or drinks. Exactly. It's the cruise model. That's exactly, I think, what the vibe is. It's a hotel that feels like a cruise to me the way they advertise it's like i know i can leave whenever i want i know we're land bound but there's something about it that feels like a cruise it feels like there's no turning back when you kind of went to it i went to a sandals yeah in jamaica in my early 20s so like you know in the late 1800s but there was there was this that this this defining moment for me when i realized i think i'm like hour two that it was not for me and that is when the woman comes by going hour two hour two what five days hour two yeah we were

there i think seven days i think there were five or six of us just went. Because of what you said, it was like, hey, it's $2,200, but it covers everything. So we can drink like crazy, which means Captain Morgan and Coke. You know, that's what they have. Yeah, of course. But we get there, and within the first hour, a woman comes by. Hi, group volleyball in 40 minutes. Group volleyball in 40 minutes group volleyball in 40 minutes we'll be doing shots and oh man fuck i don't want to be a part what about what was i thinking i'm

not a great guy yes it was a cult it was a cult so did you feel like you had to go to all like did you end up going to these like group planned activities? Did you feel bad if you were just like, I just want to hang on the beach with my friends. I don't want to play volleyball with this couple. I don't know. That's what we ended up doing. But the guilt that I felt was real because they come by and they go, hi, what's your name, guys?

What's your name? I don't want to be interrupted, but it's Jeff. Jeff, hi. And what's your name? Should I give a fake name? Ah don't want to be interrupted, but it's Jeff. Jeff, hi. And what's your name? Should I give a fake name? Ah, fuck. No, I'd feel bad. I'm Riley.

It's on the reservation. Okay, are you guys married? No, we're just here on like a company retreat. Yeah. Oh, oh. Because if you were married, I was going to say hedonism is just across the bay. That's clothing optional.

If you guys wanted to do that. Sorry, hedonism? But hey. All right. Like the concept or is that a place hey here's the thing okay sandals is really fun but it requires group effort and i'm the coordinator the fun coordinator and it just we just would love for you to join us in volleyball and it's really fun because every time you miss a shot we do a shot like that miss a shot do a shot

i'm really bad at volleyball so i'm worried that I'm going to get too drunk. Yeah, that's what it felt like. And so you do have to put the Heisman in stiff arm and say, I might later, but I really don't want to. I'll watch. It's like midnight and you're just here. You're in bed. I'm back later.

Hey. What? All you can drink. Sorry to interrupt what all you can drink sorry to interrupt all you can drink down at the tiki bar all you can drink we're doing some fun cocktails

some fun mocktails I know it's a weekday how many people are there there aren't that many and that's why I'm knocking on doors dude I'm just really tired

I totally appreciate you coming but my wife and I we really to tell you the truth we just wanted to hang out we have seven kids We just wanted a break for a few days. Okay. Is that cool?

Yeah. No, that's fine. I just, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm super people pleasing. Can I just like person to person, man to man, just like, I need like a quota. Like there's a certain quota that Sandals has per employee. Dude, let me get dressed. I'll be down in 10. I get it. I'm in. That's how I felt about RA events in college.

Yeah, that's also a similar vibe. It's the same thing. Jeff Sandals? I've never been to Sandals, but I went to Turks and Caicos. I think it's in the Caribbean or something when I was young in fifth grade. This was peak. Jeff, I used to be very overweight in middle school, like more wide than I was tall. It was a cartoon man style.

So cute. So this was peak that. This was peak fat kid, fifth grade. It's not sandals. It was nearer to sandals it was near a sandals but also quick tangent i feel like in fifth grade at least for me every i feel like everyone in fifth grade took a trip to the caribbean oh yeah that was the time when everyone was a kid they're like we went to jamaica you know what it probably is is that their parents just are finally starting to like have the money

to go to that time and then it just matches with you being in fifth grade. Cause I didn't go anywhere really before that. Anyway, we were in a, Hey, wait though, Jeff, I got to know.

So are you self-conscious at that point? At that point? Absolute like swim or shirt in the pool. Self-conscious. Yeah. So, so we're, we're staying at this little,

like in this like hotel room on the ground floor. And so there's, like, you can walk straight out to the pool, which is awesome for me. I am peak gaming Jeff as well at this point. So I have my little Nintendo DS. And so, like, I'm, like, gaming and I'm trying to walk out to the pool. And I think the door is open because, like, I also don't have glasses at this point but need them. And so I'm walking through and then think the door is open because like I also don't have glasses at this point but need them and so I'm walking through and then the screen door is closed I walk through a screen door and fall flat on my ass as this like group of girls that are my age walk past

and I'm like um oh no surprise and uh yeah that's one of the top five times I've ever been embarrassed in my entire life. Did you cry? I didn't cry, but I didn't get invited to hang out with the girls at the pool. Man. That's so sad. Yeah, that's a tough one to make comedy off of. That's just that poor kid. I think it's hilarious.

But I don't know i it's it's yeah that was a low point not a chubby kid anymore i appreciate that i really do i actually really needed to fucking hear that job for a guy like you to say something like that to me now you're crying also i'll get this i'll cut this out but i need to know your skincare routine at the end of this because i need to get started i don't know i'm looking at myself in the zoom right now literally while you were talking about being in fifth grade i was looking at myself in the zoom going dude you're gonna just have to start accepting that you're aging and be graceful about it and don't fucking fight it but then the other part of me went fuck him fight it Fight it. Fight it as long as you can. You gotta help me, man.

We should take a break. Let's take a break. We'll be right back after a word from these sponsors. Marty. Marty. Marty and we're back with Jeff Probst you guys always take that long

of a break because you said take a break the zoom ended then you guys sent me a new link well I just kind of needed a nap

a power nap as it were and I wanted to watch another episode of Selling Sunset. Yeah. So I like had a full morning. I hope you weren't like, oh, hey, have you seen? No.

Have you seen? Oh, man. It's about selling properties in the Hamptons. Oh, Million Dollar Beach House. It's on my list. I haven't seen it yet. Everybody keeps because I just finished. We both just finished Selling Sunset. And now everybody. You haven't seen it yet. Everybody keeps, because I just finished, we both just finished Selling Sunset, and now everybody

You haven't seen it? I'm still on season three. Don't spoil anything. I'm not going to. Jeff, have you seen Selling Sunset? To answer your question, no. We gave it an episode and we were out, but now I'm hearing you guys will be back in. But what we do like to watch is,

and I don't think we're alone, all the shows where he's retiring and she's this. And then they show up and it's always the same thing. Hi, my name's Kathy. I'm a realtor. What are you guys looking for? And they want, well, we would like four bedrooms for our family plus a guest bedroom for our in-laws. We want to be close enough to the water with a view of the mountains.

We want a big backyard for Tuffy, our dog dog and we have two little children that also need a play space and we have 64 000 what can you do every time or it's the opposite where it's like yeah um i work at a call center and she works at a non-profit our budget is nine million dollars it's like where do you get this money? Right. It's either or. I'd like to be a homeowner by the time I'm 30, Jeff. I talk about it on this show a lot.

I don't make enough money to do that yet. But I'm hoping that someday I'll get that survivor cash, that selling sunset cash, something similar. Not working towards it actively. Just hoping that something will be plopped in my lap. And I'll hold out hope until my 30th birthday. I feel like I need to do a public service as the elder statesman of the three of us. And just remind you and anyone listening who lives in California, it is virtually, it is not virtually, it is almost impossible to own in California. Unless you have several commas in your bank account it's out of

control i mean i have friends who work so hard both work both make great livings and they're still like i can't find a house every fucking house is 2.8 million dollars really you know it's crazy so you don't think it's possible in eight years i'm just saying no i'm just saying like that my wife and i talk about it with our kids all the time saying how is this gonna work california's gotten so out of affordability although i did learn recently that you can put as little as five percent down you just have to pay mortgage insurance on a monthly basis which adds like two three hundred dollars a month um and and did you read that you have to give your left testicle? It's a black market thing.

You can do it 5% and a nut. I'd give both for that. I can't believe you didn't know that. I would be a horrible father. Jeff, would you like to start us off with our first review? Yeah, I'm going to say, though, I'm going to just preface it by saying I have a different appreciation for how hard you guys work on your show. Because Riley said, yeah, you know, we're going to do sandals.

And I was like, oh, cool. I've even been there. There's got to be great reviews. And then I spent yesterday, I spent four hours. No. On TripAdvisor. Don't spend more than 15 minutes on prep for this show. There were 11,000,

261 reviews on trip advisor. And those were at the one star reviews. Oh my God. I have to give you cash for this. I will give you the ad money for this week for, for, for four hours of work. Full disclosure. I even texted Riley last night and I, I disguised it by saying hey are we zooming as well as as uh doing audio and also boy these reviews i really respect you and i thought she would say i thought she might say oh i'm sorry you actually don't need to get one we do all that

and she's like oh we'll take whatever you find i'm like oh damn it okay no yeah keep looking okay yes let me read this thing yeah give us if if the person has either just a first name or first name, last initial, we like to make up a last name for people and let us know how many stars. Okay. It's from, well, it says GMU Green. Good morning, universe green. Good morning, universe green. From Chesapeake, Virginia.

This is from November 21st, 2019. So almost just coming up on a year ago. So which Sandals is this? Is there a specific location for this one? This is Sandals Ochi. Okay. I don't even know. One star.

And the headline is terrible time. It's in Jamaica. Oh, Jamaica. Oh, this is where I went to, Sam. This might have been the same one. Oh, my God. How bizarre. So one star.

All right. One star, terrible time, and not worth the money paid. This trip was very disappointing from the very start to stepping foot onto the resort. For starters, our room was, quote, not as advertised. Thus, capital letters, super disappointed. Number one, equal sign. We were promised a room with a patio and balcony. When I inquired about this with the front desk, the communication I received was shocking. And I quote, your room does come with a balcony. However, only on certain floors. And those floors are 100% occupied.

So unfortunately, no patio balcony for you. What? All right. So, Taryn, I know that this is your first day of training. I'm just going to run you through some ways to deal with customer complaints and kind of make sure that they have the best experience possible. And then, you know, if a customer comes up and has a complaint, maybe we can try it out real time. Basically, if somebody comes up, let's say that their dining experience wasn't what they thought it was going to be. We like to do mental gymnastics, kind of like ways to put a positive

spin on it. Let's say somebody says, oh, my steak came medium well, I ordered it medium rare. Just say, well, medium well is just medium rare that has a little bit of more maturity to it. So in a way, you're kind of getting double your money. Do you want me to say that to you right now? Or is that just something that you want me to say later? That's just an example. Like on the day. So what would you say if somebody came up to you and said, hey, the pool is too crowded.

Is there somewhere else we can go? And keep in mind, there's nowhere else they can go. Okay. There's nowhere else. So I'm not going to say there's nowhere else you can go. No, no, no. That's definitely what I don't say. Under no circumstances say anything negative. Okay. Under no, like nothing. Zero circumstances.

Sorry. I get it. I get it. So if the pool is crowded, I'll be like, well, here at Sandals, I think it's just, we like a little thing called a party. So if you don't want to take place in a pool party. Yeah. So, yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm a customer here. Yes, yes. Can I? Try it out. Our AC unit in our room was malfunctioning. And when I just called the front desk, I was told to call maintenance myself.

Go for it, Taryn. Go for it, Taryn. So I can't be like, I can't believe the front desk. I really should not have done that. Zero negative. Only positive. Go. All right.

I am so sorry that you had that experience, um, that it was, that it was a little jarring to you, but, um, I guess here at Sandals, we like to make, make you guys feel like the power's in your hands. So it's like, if, if, you know, something's broken, like, you know, that you have the power to fix it. So how was that? Was that fine? Was that good? Was that fine? My husband is actually really good with tools. That's thank you so much for that. I'll, I'll, I'll head back and let. Thank you so much for that. I'll head back and let him know. He'll love that. He loves a project.

Got back to the room with her and her husband. So what'd they say? What did the front desk say? Well, here's the deal. I never thought of it this way. The reason they do it, it's like it's couples therapy because she said, now we're involved. So you get to fix it. I thought it was-

You're so good with tools.'s a central ac unit i'm gonna have to go down to the boiler room and check out the hvac that's what they told you that's a terrible idea they had i'm going back down cut back to the front desk hi i was just here hello yes i remember so did you get everything No, because I went back and my husband said that it's a central AC unit and that he would have to go downstairs. By the way, I have another complaint. Okay. I wasn't going to say anything because you were so nice, but now I feel like maybe this isn't right. The shower and the sink water pressure is terrible. The water from the sink has only one speed, slow. Okay. All right. Excuse me one second, man. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous. Just spin it positive. Just tell them that it's good. So here's, you know what? I totally hear you. And I guess for you mainlanders,

our speed here can seem a little slow, but I guess here at Sandals, our whole motto is like, we're on island time island living keep it slow all right why do you need to rush a shower why do you need to enjoy the shower to enjoy the shower that's exactly right and in terms of the um the temperature that is actually something we're working on and i'm really sorry about that because um it is sorry sorry uh it is um uh we were we we take things to the extreme. Here at Sandals, we take fun and relaxation to the extreme. So that's why it's really hot and really cold. Yeah, this is Brian.

He is my boss. Brian, I would just like to say she's a delightful young woman. You're lucky to have her. No, we agree. And she's just fantastic. And what is your name, dear? I'm Taryn. Yes. We are here with our 24-year-old son. He's a wonderful young man. And I'm wondering if you would be interested in meeting him. Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, that sounds great. Lewis? Hi, I'm Lewis. This is Taryn. I'm Taryn.

It's nice to meet you. Your mom has been very kind. I'm so sorry that problems have continued to come up for you guys. I actually had a complaint from the pool. Oh, okay. I was going down the slide and it like, I don't know, it just wasn't like, there wasn't a lot of water. And so it was kind of scratching my back on the way down. I was just wondering if maybe there could like increase the water flow because a lot of people were kind of ending up with some scratches.

Excuse me one second. Brian, Brian, this one's actually really bad. People are ending up with scratches on the water side. I don't know. This one's a real challenge. I might have to step in. This one's a real challenge. Okay, Brian, you go first.

This is my manager, Brian. This is my boss. Hi. He actually knows a lot more about this than I do. Scratches on your back. Let's just say, and I don't mean, you're 24? Yeah, I'm 24. So you're sexually active, right?

Brian, Brian, you cannot, Brian. No, hear me out. The fact that you have scratches on your back, man, and this is man to man, women are going to think that you are just a dynamo in the sack, all right? And that's what Sandals is all about. It's about getting out of that grind and getting into that, like she said, island time. Your father had the same scratches when we were young, Louis. Wow, that's so special.

Own it, man. You're a Lothario to other people. In fact, why don't you go down that slide one more time? I mean, I don't really want to. It really hurt. No, let's see you go down that slide. Cut to the pool deck. I really don't want to do this again, guys.

Go down the slide, Lewis. Everyone's at the bottom of the slide. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. Slides down. They cut the water completely. Gets the bottom. A flock of women come up. Riley, would you like to do our second review?

Yeah. Here we go. So Sandals, Emerald Bay, Bahamas. This is two stars from December 2019. Fall Before the Storm. Absolutely. From Fearless and then a bunch of numbers. So what's the last name for Fearless?

Well, it's not great, but his name is Fearless Jones. Okay, here we go from Fearless. It's not great but his name is fearless jones okay here we go from fearless it's not great that's what his parents said when he came out of the womb he's like oh it's not great but his name is fearless jones it's not ideal but we'll name him fearless but we'll name him those two stars um and the title is beautiful property and location five star is a joke the bad far outweighs the good. As mentioned earlier, grounds and beach are wonderful. That's the good. We had a prime minister beachfront suite with butler service. As their commercials and promotional materials tout, the butlers are

trained to anticipate your every need. We also, prior to arrival, filled out an extensive list online of preferences so our butlers would know what we like to drink to snack on etc our needs are pretty simple we like vodka stoli and we always want ice on hand we like salty snacks nuts popcorn etc all of the advanced effort is for not when we arrived the room was stocked with nothing our butler our butler did get us ice and vodka But when asked, they said they don't often get the preferences passed along to them We did get one bottle of Stoli shortly after arriving But after that, they were out and we got whatever was on hand Our room was dirty

The cushions on the chairs hadn't been cleaned in years When we mentioned this to our butler, he said Oh, that's housekeeping housekeeping they cut corners sometimes with our room level we were supposed to have 24 hour access to our butlers they give you a cell phone to call them which runs out of power about every other day so you have to track them down to get a charged one one evening with the cell phone dead i called room service at about 6 30 p.. and asked for a shrimp cocktail. I was told I could get it the following day. We read some stories online before by some guests saying they got items a day or two after asking for them.

We thought it was just someone making a joke, but it's not. Hey, welcome back to the show. You're listening to What's On Your Mind. We've got two guests with us today. The topic is when a family outpunts their coverage. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, the average family makes a certain amount of money to live a certain amount of way. Every so often, save up their money, like vacation, they're going to go somewhere. We're talking today to a family who saw the need for a butler. So they went to a resort in a foreign country and they needed a butler. And I think what we're examining is not privilege, but expectations that can never be met because of the things that we're seeing today between

people like the Kardashians and all of these other that live to a level. So anyway, joining us today, we've got Bill Withers with us, not the singer, just Bill Withers. And then Tamara Jenkins, also a famous name that I can't recall, but she's not that person. Guys, what do you make about this? This is a family, if we're just talking honestly. He's a plumber.

She's a part-time kindergarten teacher. And they need a butler. Who needs a butler? Thank you so much for having us on alan um i think this is this is really really important stuff that is not talked about as much as it should be as much as it should be um uh and i'm so happy to be here with bill with bill withers and thank you so much uh for for saying that i'm not the singer bill withers because people yeah constantly are like like i applied for a loan right partially to fund the butler i go into people constantly are like, like I applied for a loan, right?

Partially to fund the butler. I go into the bank and they're like, oh, you're not, you don't look like the singer. And I'm like, I'm not the singer. I was immediately denied. Mostly because of my credit score. But also because I wasn't the singer. Can I call you Willie? I would prefer anything but Bill actually, yeah. Just so there's no confusion. Willie, did you say you

had a butler? I would like a butler. I kind of make our, we make our children kind of get us things. And, you know, they're getting older and we don't want to take advantage of them. And it's hard to train the dog, too. It's hard to train the dog.

Call me crazy. Call me crazy. Been on this earth quite a while. Never had a damn butler. Don't understand the point. I'm reading this. No, I get that. In a local Toulouse High magazine. Yeah. What's the point of damn butler don't understand the point i'm reading this no i get that in a local uh to

lucy high magazine yeah what's the point of the butler it seems to be creating some sort of hierarchy of have and have not or is it some sort of power that's exactly it though that's exactly it right what we like is to feel better than other people in a way um put others down so we can have our needs met without lifting a finger. And I'm glad you understand. And I think it's really frustrating sometimes because they're like, that's super. Like, no one needs, you know, people as angry people. You know, you've seen those angry people.

It's like, no one needs that kind of privilege. I'm like, well, we do. But we do, actually. Roberta, would you get me another coffee, please? And my bagel. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, who was that?

Sorry, go ahead. Who was that? Oh, that's just one of the PAs we have working here. So what's the difference between a PA and a butler? Quite a bit. A PA is a production assistant. They're working in the industry. A butler is, you know, granted, they're working.

Personal assistant. They're in the industry. Personal assistant, PA, different industry, sure. Willie, but let's go back to you and the, and the Roberta posted. Thank you. Let's go back to you and the, this idea of hierarchy. Where did that come from? Why are you not enough as you are? My brother is one of the leading researchers for finding a cure for cancer. And he's actually, he's incredible. He's amazing. And that's great. But, uh, family dinners, I'm always the one left behind. And if I could have a butler,

if I could be independently wealthy on a plumber's salary, maybe my parents would be proud of me. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. What do you think? Well, I don't think that, I don't think that's too much to ask at all. I mean, when I think Butler, I think... University. I think university. When I think Butler, I do think... And I have always said that, and that's what Bill knows. I have always said...

Your alma mater, Butler University. I think about my time in Indiana, and I think about how when I was at Butler, and a lot of people don't know this, it's not a school where you train butlers. So, um, I actually went there and, um, I, I studied poli sci, um, but I shortly fell after that, um, fell, fell out of that. Fell out of the degree or you can tell them about the fall. Oh my God, Phil. I mean, I didn't want to bring this up on air and like, you know, I'm such a fan of you Alan and this show but I did have

a big fall. This is why the show is great. I did have a big fall. They just tell me things. Yeah. You create an environment that we feel comfortable. Absolutely and you create an environment that Bill feels very comfortable in telling my personal stories. Find me something else. Berries

or something just something that is on the list. It's a small list. Just get it. Can we ask for Roberta for something? Yeah, yeah. Sorry. What's that?

What's up? No, it's okay. I can get whatever you guys want. I can get whatever you guys want. What do you guys need? Can we get some toast points? And yeah, we'll do some mimosas. Toast points?

I don't know. Now they're getting, she's getting stuff for them. How am I going to get mine? I'm here. Well, what, sorry, Alan, I don't mean to, yeah, I can go. Roberta, do your thing. Do your thing. All right.

Because it's going to be your last thing. Are you serious? Is this real? Are you actually like firing me for this? You're firing me for getting food for the talent. The toast points and then you're fired would be great. Thanks so much, Roberta. What are toast points?

Sorry, this is going to be my last thing. I should should do it right what the hell are toast points uh forget it you know what just never roberta before you go before you go yes why don't you take over the show because you always come in here with your little notes for me that i use admittedly i will use them quite frequently i know and maybe you should have been given a producer credit after six years. I absolutely should have been. Yeah. Why don't you host for a minute? Go ahead, Roberta.

It's your last day. This is crazy. All right. I'm going to get fired for this anyway. So, all right. Here's a little theme music. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh, my God.

No, well, I don't want to do it like that. Hi. Hey. Hello. Welcome to the show. I know you're used to seeing Alan on, but Alan, you know, is having a bit of a day. I didn't get him his coffee right this morning and he's having a little fit about it. So he said, Roberta, you host the show.

Oh, my God, Alan. All right. Bill Withers here with us. Will. Yeah. Will. Let's go. Oh, my God.

Willie, what do you think about the class disparity issue in America? I guess. Not like I've heard a discussion on class disparity on every other network on the air. Excuse me. Really sharp, Roberta. I hope I can break up this fight because I actually never got to describe the fall I had. I started talking about it because Bill did bring it up. All right.

Oh, my God. We're here talking about real issues and you want to tell us about one time you tripped? Well, it wasn't actually a trip. It was more than a trip. It was a pretty big fall. It was down a flight. It was down not a flight. It was like, you know, a small landing in a house. Right. So like three or four. Three or four stairs up. It was a sunken

living room. It was a sunken living room. She fell onto the couch. Oh my God. Okay, fine. Tell me about your traumatic fall. Cut to the Emm. Oh my god. Okay, fine. Tell me about your traumatic fall. Cut to the Emmys that year. We are on the red carpet with Alan,

with Roberta, with fucking Tamara and Willie Withers. Guys, talk about the recent Emmy win for your guys' episode for March 19th

of the Alan Talk Show. It made headlines. It went viral. You guys are the new royalty of American television. Let me just speak. There's Ryan Seacrest. Ryan! Big fan! I would just like to say that I'm

most proud of this episode. Not really because of what Roberta did. She did a really great job as did our other two job. We love this. But I'll tell you honestly, it was the culmination for me of a hell of a career. And it turns out I'm a pretty damn good producer of talent. And I appreciate the recognition.

Oh, wait, Ryan's coming over. Ryan's coming over. I'm going to go talk to him. I love the show. Wow, he's animated. Thanks. And Roberta, can you just talk about how you almost ruined the show's chances of getting an Emmy just with your behavior on the show? Well, yeah, I admit I was a little more fired up than usual that day.

But, I mean, I do believe that the reason why we got Emmy recognition for this episode is because you basically watched me get fired on air. So if that doesn't get ratings, I don't know what will. Ryan Seacrest calls out to Roberta. Roberta, can I get a coffee and toast points? The entire red carpet cracks up. No! No! Everybody applauds as she's dragged away.

I wanted to wink on camera for my dad! Should we do our last segment, Riley? Let's do it okay uh jeff what's been shaking you what's on your mind uh any current obsessions or grievances you have to air etc wow um i'd like to be original i'm taking obsessions or grievances you have to air, et cetera? Wow. I'd like to be original. I'm taking here a moment. Grievances. Yeah, here's the grievance.

And I'm not going to get into specifics. But indecision creates uncertainty. And it's driving me insane. Yeah. That's really good. I call it I-U-I. Indecision, uncertainty,ertainty, Insanity. Is that from your personal life? Is indecision one of your biggest pet peeves?

Yes, because uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me to live with. And it really is. In fact, we shot Survivor in China years ago. And while we were there, I arranged this meeting with a monk that we had used at the start of the show, this beautiful 30 year old, like his, you could just tell he was full of beauty and wisdom and kindness from just the way his skin, he didn't have any of those products. He didn't need like a regimen. He just was like a dude. And so I arranged a meeting and, and we brought an interpreter and I, and he said, so what is it you want to ask me? And he was in between meditations. He would meditate for an hour, live for four hours,

then meditate for an hour on the four hours he had just lived, then meditate another hour, live four hours. That was all he did was meditate and then live in the meditation. And I said, well, how do you deal with uncertainty? And he picked up a glass like this, say this can. And he said, well, a thing is only uncertain until it isn't. For instance, this glass, it was cylindrical. And he said, this glass could have been square, but it's round. And that was it. And I was like, wow, I know you just told me something powerful.

I'm still trying to figure it out. But the takeaway was a thing is only uncertain until it isn't, which means it will not be uncertain forever. It will be certain. But I still my wife all the time is like, what's wrong? I go, I'm anxious. I'm not I didn't even know I had anxiety. But clearly I have anxiety because I'm so uncertain and it's making me insane. That's really good, actually.

Yeah, because it's like because uncertainty creates fear. And people say that like fear is for me the worst thing in the world. Like it comes out of anxiety and like indecision and stuff like that. And it's like as soon as you know, there's no reason to fear because even if it's something you don't want to do or you don't want to have happen, at least you know what you're to expect. If you don't know what to expect, you can fear everything. And Jeff, Jeffrey, you do have like a fear. Like, you know, it's like you have the fears of like fear of the dark, fear of like something under the bed. But also the fear of like, will you ever find love?

Will you ever make your dad proud? Will you ever own a house? I know. It's like, I don't. Will you ever like make someone laugh who's not just faking it being like, oh, no, that's really good. But like, will you ever like get a full belly laugh from someone? So Jeffrey totally knows what you're talking about.ff's like filled jeff's filled with fear you know what's funny jeff is that i'm always i'm constantly on first dates right and then like

something happens with like the woman's friend or like roommate and she has to leave early and like you always get a call she always gets a call right and so she has to jet and i'm obviously like oh i'd love to do this again and she's like maybe and then i'm kind of like dining and alone and dashing at home so jeff never pays for the meal and he also gets um people leave so but that's kind of man that yeah that would that is that true no no that's not true oh god i was gonna say i don't see that at all you seem like a super cool likeable guy if you have anybody you know Jeff I'm single and looking to mingle during a global pandemic so

Jeff is looking to go out on the street maskless and just open mouth kiss the first person he sees I want to let my guard down and my mask down at the same time and just kind of like sing at a woman I highly highly recommend you don't do that.

He's like, please do not. So IUI, that's something you use in your personal life? IUI. Decision. Yeah, there you go. Uncertainty. How about you, Riley? Jeff, I cry.

I think I cry at least, if not every day, once every two days. I cry all the time. I think I've talked on the podcast that my therapist says that that is my body's way of processing my emotions. um I think I've talked on the podcast that my therapist says that that is my body's way of processing my emotions and so I am I am not afraid of a good cry and I literally at one point this weekend I was like anxious or you know dealing with something and but I was actually okay about it but like because my body like I need to cry to move on from something like I can't let something go unless I just cry it and so so Daniel was like, are you okay?

And he's like, I can tell you're in your face that you're not okay. And I'm like, listen, I'm actually fine, but I do need to cry right now. So I will get back to you. I'm like, I know I sound crazy, but I actually am fine. I just need to sob. I went in child's pose on the floor for like 20 minutes weeping onto a yoga mat yes at the end you have to pick the mat up with all the tears and like pour it into your sink yeah so yeah um what shook me is that I'm just like such an emotional soul. Yeah, so not to brag, but I cry all the time.

Nice. Anyway, Jeffrey. You're crying right now. You're on the verge of tears. No. What shook me all week long is two words that couldn't be, there's no combination of two words that are more perfect than this, Jeff. And we're talking about fried rice.

I made fried rice homemade for the first time in my life last week. It's so simple. You just get old rice that you have in the fridge, butter in the pan, egg in the pan, chopped onion in the pan, caramelize the onion, cook the egg, rice is in. In the pan. In the pan.

In the pan. And kind of stir it up. Make sure each grain gets a little bit crisp. Add some chopped chicken, whatever you need to get through the day. And that's dinner. And this is all within 20 minutes. I mean, it's a stir fry of sorts. And it's a great weeknight meal that takes me back to weekend dinners at the Hibachi Grill with Mother and Papa.

Totally. Totally. When they make the volcano. Grill with Mother and Papa. Totally. Totally. When they make the volcano and the fire comes up. Yeah. Actually, I want to learn how to do an onion tower. We should all get together for a dinner night and do the onion tower. And just do onion towers. Throw the egg.

What's for dinner? Hmm? Well, I mean, I see the appetizers. I see the appetizers, the onion tower, but like what's like the main? Oh, that's the, yeah, that's the appetite. That's the whole meal. It's the appetite. I was just impressed how casually you said it and then you caramelized the thing.

And then you, you know, like you know, clearly know your way around the kitchen a little bit. I'd never made it before. I mean, I know how to caramelize onions because i i look i make very simple things like grilled cheese and like grilled chicken and steak and like just like very two-step things i can't do like 19 step processes uh so that's why i like fried rice because it's like three what's your go-to if you were if it wasn't a pandemic and you were having a date and you invited them over and you were gonna cook what do you make i mean over, and you were going to cook, what do you make? I mean, it depends if she eats meat or not,

because I've dated people who don't. But either like a baked salmon. I do this baked salmon that my mom taught me how to make where it's like a mixture of brown sugar and Dijon mustard. And then you pour it on the salmon and bake it, and then it caramelizes over the salmon. And then I would just do that with some broccoli or something, and then like a dessert over the salmon and then i would just do that with some like broccoli or something and then like a dessert i don't know uh but if she eats meat i would maybe do a steak or burgers i'm a good grill master um but again forever alone so this scenario that you're saying

that a woman's gonna agree to come to my you don't have to worry about that it's not gonna Jeff final question what what are you going to be for Halloween? And why? Go. Okay, that's a good question because prior to meeting my wife, I really didn't go to Halloween parties. I was never in a dress up. Then I meet my wife and suddenly going to these big parties is pretty fun

because you're going to have a couple tequilas. But it took me a long time to get into the dress up so probably what i would go if we went to a halloween party which i cannot imagine we went to burning man last year for our one and probably only time that's awesome not that there was anything wrong with it it's super cool i love the idea of creating a community and that it's self-supporting. It's really, really cool. Just, I don't know, like, if that's something we need to go to again, but in preparation, we bought what equipped, what equated to like a trunk full of outfits because everybody's like, Oh, Bernie man. Okay. First of all, if you're a woman, you got to have something sexy. If you're a man, you got to have this and

you got to look like you're some Mel Gibson character from some apocalyptic movie. And it gets really cold. So make sure you have two, three, four jackets. Plus you need 16 scarves. You need goggles. You need this. You need seven water bottles. It is like, it's a production.

Everybody gives you their advice. Yes, it's a production. We wore like three things. So we have all these clothes. And we joke about the fact that for the next five years, all we're going to do is open the Burning Man shop, pull something out. Absolutely. Good to go. Hell yes. All right five years, all we're going to do is open the Burning Man chest up, pull something out. Absolutely.

Good to go. Hell yes. All right. Jeff, do you have anything to plug? Current projects, things coming up, anything? The floor is yours. Nothing to plug. Nothing to plug.

We're waiting to figure out when and how to shoot Survivor. And so that's kind of for work-wise, that's what I'm focused on. But I really enjoyed being a guest, and I'm so glad that I didn't know anything about this. And then Riley, a while back, said, hey, I'm doing this podcast. And I was instantly – I'm not blowing smoke. I was instantly hooked. It's a super clever concept, and you guys are wicked fast and funny, so much so that I didn't realize we were improv-ing a couple of times when you were talking. But it's really cool, and congratulations to you guys. Thank you so much for coming. We appreciate that.

This was so fun. Thank you guys so much for listening. Check out, Jeff, do you want to plug your social media at least? Anything where people can follow you? Nope, nothing. Nobody cares about my social media, including me. Great. Well, you can find Rileyiley at riley and spa on

instagram at riley coyote on twitter and you can find the show at review review on instagram and twitter at review review show and um you can find jeffrey on instagram at i am jeffrey james and on twitter at don't play no james um oh yeah i promise well i didn't promise him but jeff my best friend from childhood i've known him since he was five, is the biggest Survivor fan I know. His name is Tucker. So Tucker says hi, and he's a big fan. He didn't ask me to say this, but I know that that'll make him happy. I got to give him, though.

I got to give him the one phrase that you never want to hear on Survivor, which is, Tucker, tribe has spoken. Time for you to go. And we're out. Thanks so much for much for listening guys we'll see you next week that was a hit gum original