Review Revue - Scarecrows (w/ Ian Karmel!)

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Reilly and Alfred Bardwell-Evans are joined by comedy legend and native-Portlander Ian Karmel as they spend their fortune, get shot by pigeons, and do unspeakable things to well-endowed scarecrows.  >>>>><<<<< Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is going to be the girthiest episode. Get that Angel Reef special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Let's get it, Alfred.

In here. And the pod has Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and Riley, Riley and. In this podcast, there's no disrespect. So when Jeffrey left, I nearly wept. We got two minutes for us to connect. After 100 ebbs, now we got Alfred in effect. Alfred's got precision. Replacement, good decision.

He's getting old, gotta break away for repetition. Because when we be out, Marty pulls his weave out. You wouldn't believe we review, review. Doing it for a year now. Alfred's freaking here now. Impuff from Chicago to hotly weird. Review, review. Review, review. Start to review Start the show, getting weird

Oh, Simon's going weird Let's get it, Albert, and ha Let's get it, Barnwell, and here Let's get it, Evans, ha Let's get it, Albert, and here Let's get it, Barnwell, and ha Let's get it, Evans, and here Let's get it, Albert, and ha Outro Music Reviewing. Get started. Get weird. Don't worry about it. Podcasts walk you through it. Set it by set.

Let's get reviewing. Like my name. Let's get brewing. Chips on dice. Yo, we are cruising. The bar's on this. All my stars we're brewing. Review, review.

Review, review. Start the show. Get weird. Come on, come on, come on. Yeah. Let's get it out. Let's get it born well in here. Let's when we were. Wow.

I knew you were going to say that because it was a song about you. And so it's just kind of your whole thing is like you love things are about you. Yeah. The more words in the song are my name, the more of a fan I am. And that's just how it is. That was the oh, oh, my God. I have to know about the production value. What that sounded not like a karaoke track. That sounded like a live band doing a Black Eyed Peas song.

It was. Hold on. Let me just check the email. That's kind of just the quality you can come to expect. Well, the email's from william. It's from william. Is it will.i.am.ed? Yeah, at icloud.com, which is kind of strange. Famous people always have old, like weird

names like that. At me or whatever. AOL. At AOL.com. Yeah. Yes. That was from Kevin. Kevin says, sup, it's me, Banksy. Obviously not Banksy. Decided to make an amazing cover of a pretty mid tune.

Hope y'all enjoy this situationship of a song. I'm currently writing a book. So if you could yell at me to write the book slash offer to read it, I would appreciate it. Follow me around the street. Kevin, write the book. Read the fucking book already, man. Write, write, no, write the book so we can read it. I would appreciate it. Follow me around the street. Kevin, write the book. Read the fucking book already, man. Write, no, write the book so we can read it.

Read the book already, man. Read it and then write it. You're never going to finish the book, Kevin. If you're wondering, ooh, who's the devil on my shoulder? Ooh, who's the devil on my shoulder who just appeared?

If you've ever listened to a podcast or listened to anything funny or watched any episode of television that's ever been written. Correct. But specifically, if you're a HeadGum fan, and I know you are because you're listening to the show, and that means you've probably heard all fantasy, everything. Ian Carmel is here, bitch! It's so wonderful to be here, you motherfuckers. Motherfuckers.

Ian, we're so excited to have you. I'm so happy to be here. And I just want, I want to be the voice in William's ear. Just who's the word, the doubter. I think that's an important role to have where you're like, you're never going to do it. Nobody here thinks you can finish this book. So then he's going to be like, he's going to overcome it.

Yeah, he has to push against it. He has something to push against. Throw the log of my doubt into the steam engine of your laptop or typewriter, wherever you're writing it. And then let that fuel you across the finish line. He's going to do it. And it's going to be because of my doubt. And I think it's definitely someone who would make a Black Eyed Peas cover that has that good of production value is 100% writing a book on a typewriter. It sounded great.

I usually would assume someone finds a karaoke track and then they just record over it. It sounded like he was playing drums. It was like one man band, like Burt from Mary Poppins style. Just kind of like the whole thing. Alf, did he have your middle name in there? Alfred and Ha. Yeah, so I have two last names. And so he did both last names i know i'm kind of

loaded um and uh but it's amazing what you can accomplish you know when you're procrastinating something i have to say i think the fact that he's not writing the book probably contributed to the fact that it was a high production value normally he paid a studio band to come in and normally the vibe is more like i played the karaoke track on my phone off YouTube into the mic as I sang it. So that was pretty awesome stuff. Do you have two last names like progressive

parents or do you have two last names like you are part of the royal families of Europe? Like you're sort of like a sax co-bird. In a way both. No, it's more progressive families. Because I also have a middle name it's alfred douglas bartwell evans um my parents are both british though i was gonna say it's a british name you could ever so it does that it's like you were right in both ways i have two

progressive british parents i am choosing to believe that you are an exiled member of the British Royal family. Well, I also have hemophilia. I am also. Okay, fantastic. I have a Habsburg palate, hemophilia, and progressive British family. Habsburg palate. Ian, what's up? We're recording on Saturday, September 9th, a little peek behind a curtain. That's right.

What's up? I've walked to the coffee shop twice today, and that's literally all I've accomplished. That's it. And that's brave, and that's big. What did you get? I got a iced coffee the first time, and on the second one, I decided to keep my haters guessing, and I got an iced green tea. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Keep the haters guessing and I got an ice green tea. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Haters guessing. I do have a favorite between the two. I think in an afternoon, I mean, the coffee's crucial in the morning and a lot,

there's going to be a lot more of this kind of stuff in my book. And then you always say, don't talk to me until I have my coffee. You start your day. And I enforce it and i enforce it i sort of hand out a card that tells people i haven't had my coffee if they even try to talk to me and they sort of understand where it goes from there and then once i've had my coffee i can't stop talking but then i say don't engage with me on anything challenging or emotional

until i've had my green tea in the afternoon which is another my ice cream tea so it's really just like faff in the morning and then the afternoon. It's just kind of like, you know, then I really dig in. So I've had my ice cream tea. I'm ready. I'm ready to get into the issues. That's fantastic. And Alfred, how are you?

We've, you know, been talking to you all day. Yeah. What's new in the hours since I've spoken to you? I have a migraine and it's gotten worse since you last spoke to me. I think it's because speaking relative to what we were just talking about, don't think i had caffeine early enough today i had i slammed a matcha at 11 a.m and then i got a large iced coffee from duncan about half an hour later but i think it was too little too late um i'm a person with a pretty strong caffeine habit so it has to be has to be a lot and right away. Otherwise, the whole

day is fucked. I would just like to say, because no one else saw this except for me. This is before Ian joined the Zoom. I was pulling up, getting stuff ready, getting the theme song ready, everything. And Alf, he looked like, and the only way I can describe it is like a colicky baby.

He grabbed his forehead and made a face. I don't even know what you did beforehand, but he just made a faceicky baby like he grabbed his forehead and made a face i don't even know what you did beforehand but he just made a face with an always like and it was so earnest and it was and i just knew that this was gonna be your whole thing is gonna be i have a migraine i think it's allowed to be my whole fucking thing i think i'm allowed to have this one thing you know you made the fact that you had covid like the last three episodes two episodes is this one of those podcasts that believes in covid uh we try and like take like not a real stance we can do plugs now we can just kind of jump uh okay i just sort of like to plug doing your own research and for

sure for sure you know just like sort of like you plug doing your own research. For sure, for sure. You know, just like sort of like, you know, seeking out the facts and then making decisions based on that. Sure. Do you have any sources? Yeah, that you want to plug? That you think are reliable? Yeah. If you have access to the dark web, you can just kind of find my ex account on the dark web. And then I've posted like a lot of primary research, a lot of phone pictures I've taken of photocopies that have been faxed to me.

And there's a lot of like a lot of that kind of stuff. I think if you, if you want to follow my, my, my account on social media, it's it's, it's, it's based Dr.

Fauci underscore in between each of those words. And you can, and that's kind of across all platforms. That's on everything. That's on Dr. Fauci underscore in between each of those words. And that's going to be across all platforms. That's on everything. That's on threads. Great. It's on everything. You're chairing RFK's campaign, correct? I am chairing RFK's campaign.

Yeah, absolutely. And it's a really cool gaming chair. It's $16,000. And it glides like a dream if i'm gaming rfk's chairing rfk's campaign you mean i'm sitting in my gaming chair listening to campaign videos at a hundred percent that's a hundred percent right yeah but speaking of scary speaking of dark web speaking of something that's a little talk about busy town richard's scary's busy town? Is that what we're getting into? I was actually going to jump, like, our really topical subject today. It's a little scary.

It's a little autumnal. It's something we can't get enough of. What do you mean can't get enough of? I mean, we can't get enough of this stuff. Are you kidding? Do you own a Scarecrow? I have never in my life owned a scarecrow. Because I grew up and I'm from Los Angeles.

And so I've never lived on a piece of land that would denote needing a scarecrow. It's habitable for birds. Right, right, right. Well, I guess I don't have crops or things that I would need to have be protected. LA. Birds? Parrots? Do birds exist in Los Angeles? Is is that it is it parrots and buzzards when you say birds having two british parents do you mean are there women in los angeles now how are the birds come on now the birds and it's the two ends of the

spectrum the parrots are the hot ones and the buzzards are kind of the dogs i got a lot of buzzards. I got a lot of buzzards out on the town. Wouldn't catch me with one of those. But do you get like little Tweety birds that go

Do you mean like the Warner Brothers animated character Tweety bird? Do you get Tweety bird? Like Times Square Elmo style. There are birds

in Los Angeles. That's what you're asking. I've seen Tweety bird at Tower Bar a couple times. Get pretty. And you don't want to run into Tweety bird. I do asking. I've seen Tweety Bird at Tower Bar a couple times. Get pretty. And you don't want to run into Tweety Bird.

You do not want to run into Tweety Bird. It was Tweety Bird, Tobey Maguire, and Ethan Supley hanging out, having salads. And they called themselves

the putty tat posse. The putty tat. Oh my God. Ian, talk to me about Scarecrows. What, talk to me about scarecrows. What's your experience with them, if any? Well, I first of all- You've got to have an experience.

I have several very sort of like spooky experiences with scarecrows. I live in, I don't actually, but I live in Atwater Village here in Los Angeles and my neighborhood is lousy with crows. Crows and ravens. There's crows, ravens, all sorts of birds. I live by all sorts of birds.

I live by the LA River. And there's great blue herons. They're like, it's a very like active. Oh, the block is hot. Bird wise. Yeah. Absolutely. A lot of women roaming the streets of Atwater Village.

From TJ to the Bigfoot Lounge. I've worked with British people for like a decade. And you think I would have something even close to a good British accent. But no, not even a little bit. I grew up in Oregon, though. So I definitely have seen, like I've been around crops. I've been around scarecrows. My mother lives in a part of Portland.

She's like very into gardening. And she really loves her squirrels. She's cultivated a bustling squirrel population. But there's also a lot of hawks. So her. Sure. And her boyfriend, which feels so weird to your mother in her 60s has a boyfriend. I love it.

Here we are, her and her hot piece of ass boyfriend. They've situated a mannequin. So a scarecrow would be much more preferable, but apparently that's not enough. A mannequin is much more terrifying. It's so scary, and they move it around to keep the hawk on its toes. You gotta keep them guessing.

So it's like wearing clothes, but it's like a white-faced department store mannequin. I stay at my mom's house. It's the worst thing. It's the worst. I'm thinking of emancipating myself legally. What is the mannequin outfitted in?

It varies. Is it seasonal? Like put a coat on it in the winter? Do they feel bad for it? It's tweed right now as the seasons are changing. No, it's not tied to any sort of gender identity or anything like that. They just throw different clothes on it and then they wash those clothes. And yeah,

so that's my current experience with scarecrows. And then going back in the past, it's mostly pumpkin patches. Right. Uh-huh. Yes. And the Wizard of Oz. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep. i had unsurprising to literally no one who's ever listened to this podcast i had a big crush on the scarecrow in wizard of oz alfred what uh what is your experience that's the craziest fucking take i ever heard just need to put that out there um if you're gonna have a crush on anyone from the wizard of oz franchise it's if it's not the scarecrow i don't know what to tell you no it's the uncle who plays the lion before he turns into the lion in the black and white whose name i cannot remember um i uh i think i i think i identified most closely with the cowardly lion um as a child um which will also shock nobody. As a child? I also did use If I Only Had a Brain,

the Scarecrow song from The Wizard of Oz as an audition song when I was maybe 13. For college. For college. Didn't get the part. Did not get the part. Auditioning for Carnegie Mellon. To give the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard.

It's like shockingly accurate. In lieu of an essay. I have a performance piece. And in many ways that is how I got into college. It was just by sort of what if I told you he can barely read, write, or do math, but he can sing-ish.

But no, I didn't really have a lot of experience with with scarecrows growing up which is surprising because i grew up pretty rural um but uh you know i don't know if they i don't know if they work like you know in your story seems to imply that it does work if you are dedicated to the cause that you keep changing it and you keep changing the location of the clothes but a lot of the reviews i read were pretty negative pretty negative about the efficacy of the scarecrows um so i don't know i don't know if i would even bother investing in one if i had a garden but i guess it'd be worth a try or do you have a green thumb do you do either of you ever

have a green thumb i have a garden i have a i have a couple of garden boxes uh in the back but i've covered them and it's not the crows i'm so worried about with that it's the it's the various other the neighborhood critters the neighbors it's my fucking neighbors the neighbors it's like i've covered it but it's like they see the covering oh yeah move the covering or change it like you can't fool them bruce and tran sneak over and pop the little cherry tomatoes in their mouths to their heart's content and scurry off like a couple of raccoons. Yeah. I had a neighbor at an apartment I lived in in Chicago who they had a garden that was abundant.

And it was this older couple that lived there. He'd lived in the house for 50 years. He'd lived there his entire life as a kid and then grew up and had this, got married and moved back into his childhood home. But they had this garden and it would produce so much produce and they would just give it to me. And it was genuinely the best part about living there. And I miss it. And you found out he was killing people and using their bodies to fertilize the vine.

And that was how. It was so. That's exactly right. I don't know why for some reason someone living in a house for 50 years like screams haunted to me, even though it's like, I'm sure it was a beautiful home. They have a lot of great memories. But like just the thought of that, I'm like, oh, okay, 100% Ian, he's a murderer. Like, there's no way that, like, you don't live somewhere for that long.

Why are you hanging on to it? What's buried under there that you're scared of someone finding? Yeah. Exactly. What are you, what crime are you waiting to, for the statute of limitations to run out on? He once sold me three air conditioning units for like five bucks each where it's like i don't know if he like thought i would be embarrassed to just take them for free so he was like no give me a little something and i'm like you could have just given them to me i know

you didn't need 15 you own a single family home in chicago you're not hurting for cash just throw me a couple fibers yeah that paid his property tax for the year though because he bought it 50 years ago the house is still valued at like 300 the price that his grandparents bought it for when it was like you know still rural chicago because it was like 300 blocks above whatever. It was downwind of the river before they now it's the bean. They turned his house into the bean.

It's crazy and he's still there. That's why he hasn't moved. He can't get out because it's all anyway. Should we get into it? Finding the door takes forever on that thing. That's the biggest problem. It's all mirrors. I don't know if it's on one of these sides. Should we get into it no i'd love to oh okay kind of a disagreement here would you rather should we talk about birds for more just talk about more chicago just more

chicago architecture i took a what else what else did you take the boat did you take the boat tour i took the boat tour oh you. I was there earlier this summer. My wife is from Highland Park. Oh, no way. Yeah, so we did the architectural boat tour. It's a blast. I've always wanted to do that. I haven't done that yet. It was a delight.

Let's get into it. Should we get into it now? It's genuinely the one thing I always recommend. It's always the one thing I recommend. He had to plug the boat tour, and now he's ready. It's honestly fantastic. It was funny, informative. It's like 90 minutes. They sell drinks on the boat if you're into that. It's honestly fantastic. Like, it was funny, informative. It's like 90 minutes.

They sell drinks on the boat if you're into that. It was delightful. My tour guide one time was a man who had served in Vietnam and he talked about it pretty much every building. He found a way to tie it back

into his time in Vietnam. So there's kind of, you know, there's varying experiences. Let me tell you about another boat tour. This tour lasted nine months, longest nine months of my life. I know a guy who does the tour now, though, and I don't know if he's qualified,

but he does it. He's a nice guy. Now, what does that mean? I mean, genuinely, he's like 23. I don't think he's qualified. He's not an. I don't think he's qualified. He's not an architect, but I think he's charismatic. And I think it's kind of like the Jungle Cruise with Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Yeah.

He shoots like, ah, it's Al Capone. Kapang, kapang, kapang. And then he shoots off a little cap gun. Sorry, you just said it's like the Jungle Cruise. Not the ride that's been around for decades, but the Disney film with Emily Blunt and Dwayne the Rock Johnson. That's your touchstone for Jungle Cruise. Is that based on a ride? Next you're gonna tell me

Tomorrowland's not an original property. Alf, do you want to kick us off? I'd love to. Nothing would make me happier than that. Don't believe you? This migraine, though. Oh my god. Come on.

It's not called an R-grain, alright? Keep it to yourself. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You're gonna start the scene and it's gonna be like, oh, I can't, my head hurts. And then we're gonna have to, it's gonna be like a doctor's office and it's just kind of not gonna go anywhere. I have to apologize for that R-grain remark before we keep going. No, I loved the R-Grain.

I do feel bad for you. I feel a lot of empathy for you. I'm sorry. Don't, don't, don't. You did not have to say that. It's like I was hurting physically. In fact, I'd rather you didn't. Now I'm hurting physically and emotionally.

Thanks to you both. So hope you're happy. This is on Amazon.com. This is for Gift Express 2-pack 15.5-inch scarecrow owl decoy with rotating head statue, pest repellent, bird control, bird deterrent, garden protectors, fake owls 2. This is from Doggy. The guardians of Gahool. Right?

Who is it from? Doggy? Doggy, no last name. Ian, can you give us a last name for Doggy? McMillan Sanchez with a hyphen. Doggy McMillan Sanchez. Three stars. And this is a verified purchase

if you were worried. It doesn't work. I purchased this to keep birds away from my pool area and the damn pigeons just chill next to it. I've been using it for target practice since that's what it's the best use I could find. The pigeons, they still chill until they see me with the pellet gun.

So what he's implying is that the pigeons are not only smart enough to tell that it's not a real owl, but also smart enough to recognize a gun and be afraid of a gun. They're like, no, that's a fake owl. But that is a real gun. You guys keep coming back. Yeah, pellets like because it doesn't seem sorry.

What were you going to say? No, I'm with you on that. Like also they're pigeons you can't come in a pigeon with an owl like the pigeons have seen too much right you know what i mean like also the gun is only going to keep them away for a little while what's the alternative for them you know there's not like a good situation for pigeons no no and and and at the end of the day like unless you're going to sit out there and shoot for all day, every day, there's kind of an unlimited number of pigeons. I don't think you could, if you were using a real gun, you could still bag a dozen pigeons a day and there would just be a dozen pigeons the next day. Just ready to take their place.

They operate the way the Soviet Red Army did. Exactly. It's just a numbers game for them. Yeah. Five people per gun. Yeah. Throwing pigeons at the problem. It's like 3 a.m. Coming out in a bathrobe. Honey, honey, you gotta put the gun away. Come back

to bed. They're gonna keep coming. You've barely gotten any sleep. Come on, come back to bed. Okay. Just five more minutes. Five more minutes. I'll get one. I'll get one. You said five more minutes Five more minutes I'll get one I'll get one You said five more minutes Three hours ago What is it gonna take

For you to get inside? Hey, you hear that? You hear that? You're what? You don't fucking hear that Arnold, come on You've been at this for days You're probably just imagining things.

Arnold, Jesus Christ, you're going to wake up in a minute. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm going to bed. Okay. You can join me or not, but in the morning, don't say, oh, I have a migraine because I couldn't get enough sleep because I'm not going to deal with that shit anymore. I just want to say, you're always blaming me for my migraines. You know, it's congenital, right?

My mother had them. My grandmother had them. My grandmother had. It's in the family. I'm inside. I'm gone. If you want to come to bed, come to bed. Okay. Yeah.

I'll be there. Pass me that coconut. In this situation, the pigeons are splashing around in the pool. They're enjoying the pool. They're not just outside of the pool. They're in there. Hey. Get out of there, Earl.

I'll fucking shoot your ass. Shoot me. I don't care. Give me the gun. I'll do it myself. What? Give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

No. It's a good shot. No, put it in my mouth. Put the gun in my mouth. You think I care? I'm a fucking pigeon. What? Come on. Come on. It's no fun when you... Is that gonna make you feel good? Get his ass, Tyler. Get his ass, Tyler.

Is that what makes you feel like a man? No, it's just... Is that what makes you feel like a man? He's shaking in his moccasins. Look at him. You're shitting in the pool. I want to use it. I swim in it. Well, you don't's just... Is that what makes you feel like a man? He's shaking in his moccasins. Look at him. You're putting... You're shitting in the pool. I want to use it. I swim in it. Well, you don't pee in the pool?

Well, no, I pee in it, but I don't shit in it. All of my waste comes out of my clove at the same time. I don't have a choice. I guess I never thought about it quite like that. Mister, give him the gun. You guys are... Give him the gun. Give me the gun.

You guys are so into the gun. Give me the gun. Give me the gun. It's like you see a gun with a guy, you know what I mean? guys are so into the gun. Give me the gun! It's like you see a gun with a guy, you know what I mean? Not a guy with a gun. Give him the gun or the owl gets it. No, no, no, not the owl. Not the owl.

Okay, take the gun. I don't even know how you're going to pick it up. All of the bitches just start pecking the gun they all just flock we're gonna get you now are you sure you want do you want help i feel bad watching this okay no that's so insulting so condescending! What if I pick up the gun and hold it to my chest, and then all you have to do is peck the trigger? Okay. Okay, okay. Is that an amount of help

you're comfortable with? Okay, you pick up the gun. Okay. But we're gonna peck the trigger, because we don't want it to be you who does it. We do it ourselves. It's us. right okay i mean you seem like you really need this all right uh point the gun at door opens honey you left there oh my god oh my god oh my god albert what the hell is going on

just put that down no no it's not what it like. I'm just holding the gun to my chest. Albert, what are you doing? Put the gun down right now. No, I'm not going to pull the trigger. They're going to pack it. What? I'm not going to pull the trigger. They're going to pack it.

Who's they? The pigeons. Go back to bed. Pool's open. The pigeons pull the trigger, but it's a pellet gun, so it only just kind of hurts. Ah, fuck. Ow. Yeah, burn in hell That's gonna bruise Again again

Do it again in the exact same spot Okay I need to pump it It's air so I have to pump it Hang on Honey go back to bed This isn't for you She's just like Throwing up on the porch.

It's such shock. Don't do that. The pigeons are going to eat it. That's going to be a whole. Get the bird back to bed. I don't want the bird watching this. That's my wife. Okay, you can talk shit about me all you want, but that's my wife.

If you come into my home, you cloaca void into my pool. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You come into my home, you cloaca void into my pool. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't talk about our cloacas! We can talk about our cloacas! Well, then why the hell are you talking about my wife? You can talk about my wife, but I can't talk about your cloaca? Well, it's just that your wife is no stranger to the packaging community.

What? Don't listen to the... Honey, what are they talking about? They're pigeons. It's nonsense. They have no idea what they're... I mean, what are we doing around here? Talking to birds?

We're clearly sleep deprived. We need to go to bed. We're just pigeons. We know nothing about satisfying a woman. That's something we have in common, isn't it? No, I know about that. And they certainly... Kidding, big eyes. No one would know about that. And they certainly, getting big eyes, no one would know anything here.

No one here would know anything about satisfying a woman. I think we can all agree on that, and we can all just go back to bed. Everybody go back to bed. Middle will come back to bed with you. Honey, what the fuck are they talking about? Like I said, we're all just, it's the middle of the night, we're just getting a little

crazy. Is this about book club? You guys are in the book club together? Thursday nights? Maybe go back in your bedroom, put on that pink nightgown. You know the one, and go back to bed. How do they know? How do they know about the nightgown? Well, I mean, they're birds.

Maybe they sit in the window from time to time. And maybe when you're not home and I need some validation, they tell me I look nice. And that, you know, the Pilates is really paying off. And maybe that feels good. I tell you you look nice. They pay me the attention. Yeah, but you're looking at me, but they see me.

Does that make sense? No I guess I Never thought about it like that We're gonna take off No wait No wait don't Don't go

Something about having you guys here makes me feel like I can be vulnerable I can really open up to my wife It's soothing Yeah you guys here makes me feel like I can be vulnerable. I can really open up to my wife. It's soothing. I think it'd be best if you stayed around. Forever? I mean... Let's take it one week

at a time, okay, buddy? Don't get carried away. How come we can use the pool? Oh, I've never had an issue with using the pool. That's because you don't use the pool. I am the only one who uses the pool. Of course you don't have a problem with that. I'm sorry. I snapped.

Yeah, you guys can use the pool as long as at night. Is that okay? Just at night? I think we're all gonna be okay. I think so too, buddy. How about I bring out some room temp coconut liqueurs? Yeah.

And put that nightgown on. The neighbor's nest cam just sees this husband and wife in a nightgown and drinking and looks dry. Honey, the Wilsons are losing it.

Riley, do you, should we take a break? Oh, let's take an itty bitty baby little, little pellet break. Cloaca break. Pellet? Cloaca. pellet cloaca and we're back from our say cloaca break again.

So this is for worth import 60 inch life size harvest sitting scarecrow, blue, brown, yellow, cream, black, orange. And it's just, it's a scarecrow that looks happy. It very much is like decorative fall and not to be put up in a yard to scare off literally anything. This is five stars from P.D. Alf, can we get a full name for P.D.? Sure, that's going to be Peter Driffin.

God damn it. Peter Driffin. So stupid. No, do it with the voice. You have to do it. Peter Griffin. So stupid. No, do it with the voice. You have to do it with the voice. Otherwise, it's not how I said it. Peter Griffin. Five stars.

The title is Great Hard to Find Item. I'd also like to be clear that this is an Amazon choice item. So very easy to find. Great. So the title is great. Hard to find item. I just put him outside with my Thanksgiving decor, a great price for the size of him.

And he is darling. I do have him under the covered porch and would not put him out in the elements. Oh, he's my darling boy. Yeah. Well, it's because he's my darling little boy And I have to protect him From the harshness of the world I wouldn't put him out in the cold

He's my darling boy I wouldn't send him to a public school either No he's I think I don't know if Wreck soccer is really for him. You know what I mean? It's a little dangerous.

He's the delegate. All those kids, we don't know where they're from, you know? Because just anyone can join? Right. How much are the fees? $30 fee? Oh. Oh.

Sort of. No, that's not enough. A little low, right? No. Badman. Yeah, it's, there were a lot i will say this was one out of many reviews i saw of people i don't know a certain anthropomorphization of these happy scarecrows and like very much a lot of views of being like oh well, well, I keep them covered. I keep them on my porch. Everyone loves it.

He's the center of attention. It's giving kind of like boy mom energy. And I say that in quotes like very like, oh, well, he's my darling. Oh, he's my special boy. Well, he's my handsome, sexy boy.

Wait, hang on a minute. I don't know if I know a hundred percent. I was with you for a second and then I was off for a second. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I do. My tall Dewey.

He's got those side abs. He doesn't just have the normal abs. He's got the side ones too. He's got the V. My boy who I love. He's got the V. He's got the V. It's like so somebody's mom. It's like

did you watch MILF Manor? Did we watch MILF Manor? It's very MILF Manor. I've heard of MILF Manor. I watched two episodes and felt very gross and had to stop. It was an uncomfortable. Also just for visual I just need to show you guys maybe I'll put this on the Instagram after but this is

the darling boy. I was gonna say I saw a lot that i saw a lot of the scarecrows kind of have that it's like he is darling have that aesthetic though where it's like they've it's one like single piece of fabric or whatever the pants you know it's like patterned to look like it's kind of you know patchwork and it's been stitched up and it's a little rough around the edges but it's like it's not actually it's just they want the aesthetic of that kind of like rustic burlap sack you know pants scarecrow there's someone in taiwan sewing prefab worn out burlap scarecrow outfits for amazon taking a belt sander to it has to be the right amount of distressed for looking at that thing that's less of a uh scarecrow and more of a charm

neighbor you know right yeah yeah yeah yeah 100 i'm gonna take i'm gonna take off it's very like just happy-go-lucky guy i i have i've never been to one of these in person but i have definitely seen a party they're very nice you suck like a scarecrow like decorating competition have you ever heard of those no i think you made it those? No, I didn't make it up. You made that up whole cloth. Not announce the truth. But just imagining just like a bunch of like, it's like a PTA event. Like a bunch of neighborhood moms getting together. Oh, Carol, I love what you're doing. That looks great.

Thank you. It's, you know, I actually had kind of a model back home that I'm working off of, if you know what I mean. Oh, right, right. Is that the scarecrow that we saw in your house that was just sort of wide out there in the open? Wasn't under the overhang? Oh, this one? Oh, God. Well, I mean, you know, we had to keep him outside for a second because we wanted to give him a little bit of that, like, weather.

He's kind of like been through it. Like kind of get this dirt on his hands. But not for long. Not for long. We also have a scarecrow out there just sort of exposed to the elements. We did see that. Yeah. Quite exposed.

As in? Tracy and Leanne, I hear your concerns, but I promise, I swear, hand to God. Like I swear on my son's life. I swear on my husband's life, I swear on my life, I would never leave this darling boy out there for more than an hour. So if you drove by the house, that's probably when you saw it. I just think it's so amazing that you happen to know exactly when torrential weather is going to come through so that the scarecrow wouldn't be out there when it rained or when the sun was too extreme. I just think that's amazing that you have that intelligence. I'm just so jealous of that. And I'm sorry.

I don't think we got a clear look at your scarecrow. Cause it's looking a little, I would say it's not looking realistic as much as the other ones are. It's looking a little bit dusty. This is the one you kept probably in the basement for a couple months. No, it is. I kept it in a furnished basement. Yeah? I kept it in a furnished basement, yeah.

I kept it in a furnished basement for Christmas. Semi-Furlished. Semi-Furnished. Because it's got a furnished section, but then there's that laundry room that's very much- When my boy goes over to your house, he says, oh, it's not fully finished yet, and it hasn't been finished for four years. He says, oh, they've been kind of working on it for four years. Well, your boy would know about it's not fully finished yet and it hasn't been finished for four years oh they've been kind of working on it for well your boy would know about something not being fully finished uh the the basement is is plumbed and partially carpeted right and your husband's been saying he's gonna get around to finishing the carpeting for sorry how many years

oh you are four oh my goodness uh that's a lot of years. Yeah, four years. I believe that's how long it took Eric to finish, what was it, third grade? Yes. Well, my boy is, you know, he takes after his mother. You know what I mean? He's a slow bird. Yeah. Speaking of slow bird, let's have a look at your scarecrow there.

It looks like you decided you wanted to- I don't mind if I do. No shirt. That's an interesting choice No shirt Yeah the no shirt It's just kind of all straw Well I actually modeled mine after my Beautiful real life baby boy Eric

And no he might not be the most academic But he certainly ripped And so if you take a look I've actually Stitched the V Into his Scarecrow tummy. So I think we're all probably quite jealous of that. The biceps are remarkably realistic.

You've even got the vein going down the middle of the bicep that you've managed to do with straw. That's... Thank you. Thank you. That's breathtaking. I, you know, sometimes when I, you know, when things are slow around the house, you know, I take to my little hobbies. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And I think we have a way in this culture of demonizing women's hobbies, which I just don't think is appropriate. No one said anything about demonizing hobbies. Well, Carol, you made a comment. I don't know what you're talking about. You had made a comment. What, about you loving your work? I mean, a home you're talking about. You had made a comment. What about you loving your work? I mean, a homemaker is a job. That is, that is, you're taking a lot of time.

It's so important. It's so important. I agree. It's a full-time job. Well, yes. And yet somehow I still have time for my hobbies. And it's nice that somebody in your family does have a full-time job. Well, I think, I think that's a rather uncalled for illusion

yes as we all know open secret hubby has been underemployed recently but um you know the firm never heard that term for it no that's well he's still getting residuals from the firm so things are things are gonna be fine. We're not worried. Speaking of firm, what's going on with the pants on your scarecrow there? Well, he's well endowed. If that's what you're referring to.

You know. Oh my god. What, you have an issue? You're telling me. No, none at all. None at all. Oh, I'm sorry. Does this look abnormal to you guys? Is this?

Just in the sense that none of the other scarecrows are in doubt at all. At all. Well, I don't know whose problem that is. You guys are missing out. I mean, there's no harm in it. We're missing out? I'm just saying it is more. These birds are cleverer than ever.

It's just... My scarecrow's wearing old jeans. Her scarecrow's wearing old jeans. Your scarecrow's wearing gray sweatpants. Yes, and is hung like a horse. And he's beautiful, and I love every inch of him. His scarecrow is shirtless. Every inch of him.

With gray sweatpants. Yes, and a huge... Extremely hung. Huge hung member. And I think that's beautiful. Your scarecrow's biting its lip and kind of arching one of its eyebrows.

He's horny. I don't understand what you guys don't understand. I mean, he's my horny baby modeled on my beautiful son. He's got a little you kind of have like a little you fashion some resin

to have little droplets of sweat forming at the brow and at the temples. Absolutely. And so you definitely modeled this after your 20-year-old son. Well, it's a blend. You know, my 20-year-old son who's in ninth grade and, of course, Lin-Manuel Miranda. My celeb crush. I just think he's so witty.

I love his little rhymes. I think we can all agree on that. He is so witty. I love his little rhymes. I think we can all agree on that. He is so Oh, we can all agree. Oh my god. Have you heard the scuttlebutt? I know I sure have. Ladies, it's good to laugh.

Why don't we bury the proverbial hatchet and why don't you come over to my house later and you can all take a turn with him. If you'd like. I mean, I'm not, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I mean, Leanne, I know your marriage is on the rocks. I don't know if I'll take a turn, but I'd at least like to be in the room where it happens. And that will work for me. What does that mean? Well, I get off

on it. I have kind of a public exhibition thing. Would you like to watch? Well, I thought you were going to say, we can watch Hamilton on your Disney Plus account I really thought that that's where this was going no no no no it's being intimate with my boy with the scarecrow

yes my beautiful straw boy come on take a turn coward the genitals are they're functioning you built your scarecrow so it has functioning genitals are they're functioning that you're oh yeah you're scared so it has functioning genitals there's a very complex core sort of straw hydraulic sort of pumping system

that i think you'll be very pleased with carol you've been here for 45 minutes you walked it you didn't have how did you manage to build well before i had a full-time job as a homemaker i was an aeronautics engineer and it kept me very busy and and and this has just been a way you know for me to sort of channel my talents so judge coming by oh lovely oh i love seeing this very classic got the old jeans and the nice shirt oh fantastic that is. That's going up in the ranks. Doesn't even have a clock. Who said that? Who said that?

Carol, you shouldn't say that. I didn't say anything. The kind Mrs. Johnson was admiring our very classical scarecrows that do not have a working penis. And a working... My God, let me see. Oh, well, hello, Tina. Good to see you. Oh, my...

Mrs. Johnson, are you okay? Oh, my God, I think she's having a heart attack. No, no, this is just how older people get aroused. No, what? Is it not? I think she's having an actual... I think we might need to call an ambulance. I think she's having an actual heart attack.

She's falling on the floor. She's laying on the floor. She's on the floor. She's on the floor. Well, I can call. I can call, right? Let me just check her pulse oh my god I should hang up right she's already yeah

okay no I mean definitely call them I should still well fuck I hung up okay 100% call them um oh my god 1 2 3 ambulance oh my god Leanne it's not working ambulance yes I'd like an ambulance please

right right it's impossible to get good help these days ambulance. Yes. I'd like an ambulance, please. Right. Right. It's impossible to get good help these days. Paramedics show up. They're covering her. I'm so sorry for everyone's loss. We just need,

we just need one person to fill out the paperwork, give us kind of cause of death. I can do it. And the information. I think everyone's looking at me to assume a power position in this moment. So I will take the reins as it were. Can I ask what your relationship was to the deceased? I mean, there's so many to choose from. Just pick one.

Mentor, confidant. You were this 83-year-old woman's mentor. Yes. I mean, in many ways, I think, you know, while she invented the competition, you know, the scarecrow competition, I perfected it with my beautiful tongue. We would love to get this body to the morgue as quick as possible, so if we could really just

I will pick mentor, that is fine. It doesn't matter to me. I really just need it for the paperwork. Okay. Time of death? I don't know. Lunch time? I don't know why I'm asking you. That should be me. That was about four.

Sorry. That was weird. Are you okay? No, hang on. Hang on. Are you all right? Is this your first time? With a body?

How could you tell? You're sweating. Horrible. Horrible. It's upsetting to see this in any you know situation would you like some cheering up I would like someone to give me the cause of death

so I can not be here anymore okay I guess horny she got so horny. She got so horny she died. Um. Okay.

That's all I needed to know. Do I win? I killed her with my horny doll. I think I should get something. Got it. She leaves you with the first place trophy in her will somehow. Ian, do you have time for one more? Oh, yeah, I got time.

Yeah, absolutely. Oh, hell yeah. Hells bells. Let's do it. Hells bells? Why did I say that? It's the first time you've literally ever said that. It's not how I talk.

Is that a lyric from Shook Me All Night Long? No, it's a different song by ACDC. So it's just a very ACDC themed That's kind of the aesthetic of the show. If you couldn't tell, it's our whole thing. People can't see this visually, we are all wearing suit tops with shorts and a little hat. Cute little hat.

Very cute. I think this is for the same one that you just had as a darling boy this is worthy worth import 60 inch life-sized harvest sitting scarecrow blue brown yellow green black orange uh this comes from uh basket no last name Does someone have a last name for basket? Basket is the last name, actually. Oh. Basket, basket. Basket, basket?

Okay, basket, basket. Yeah, basket, basket. Basket, basket says five stars. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Loving, loving my sitting scarecrow. I originally had plans to sit him on the porch but after receiving it i am keeping it indoors so i can enjoy it for many years to be keep in mind this is a 60 inch tall a five foot

scarecrow i picked that review too that's one that i picked as well it's crazy that you're just like no i can't possibly put this outside. This has to take up a room in my house. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. Oh, my God. This is gorgeous. What a weird word to use to describe a scarecrow.

It's also like, enjoy it for many years. There's no plans on this being seasonal at all. It's like this is a fixture of my own. It's very Norman Bates. I love it. It's very psycho. Gorgeous, gorgeous. I also think I'm biased because of the fact that I live in a studio apartment. And so the idea that you would dedicate a seat to an inanimate object.

I'm like, my apartment has three chairs in it, and every single one of those is absolutely necessary. Because one is for me, and two are for Laundrie. And one's for Elijah the Prophet. One's for Elijah,

one's for me, and one's for the scarecrow. This must be one of those $200,000 nine-bedroom houses in rural Ohio that you look at in CeeLo, and you're just like, one's for me and one's for the scarecrow yeah this must be one of those two hundred thousand dollar nine bedroom houses in like rural ohio that you look at right hello and you're just like it's like brand new construction yeah yeah nothing around it for miles bluth model home the scarecrow just has its own room it's just leaned up against the wall in its own room. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's, yeah, honestly, it's the gorgeous. It's not even like, oh, cute or like kitsch or fun. Yeah. It's gorgeous. I mean, you really got to see it. It's gorgeous. The stitch work, the stitch work on the side of the head. This is high quality straw. It's gorgeous. And just so I know, we'll have to post work on the side of the head This is high quality straw It's gorgeous

And just so I know We'll have to post it on the Instagram But this is the This is what's gorgeous Gorgeous It's kind of like a Raggedy Ann And Andy aesthetic It really is

A hundred It's the eyes It's the eyes It's very Raggedy Ann Yeah And like that loose straw You know that's falling on the ground and getting on shit. It probably smells chemically treated. Right.

If they bought it on Amazon, you know what I mean? The clothes especially. There's like some antifungal thing on it. It's more flammable than gasoline. Like it's the most flammable product like element on the planet that's Carecrow. Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. It's like an estate sale. Like this beautiful mansion. Just walking around like, oh, well, I mean, we have, you know, grandmother's money to spend. We can get anything. We could furnish the whole house.

We could get beautiful armoire. We could get the closet. I mean, my darling boys, anything you want. I know you miss your grandmother, but we are here and we can spend the money however we choose. Yeah. Anything catch your eye? I do miss granny, but I don't know. I don't know if anything's gonna bring her back.

Unless my eyes deceive me, I detect men and women of taste. A mother, a son who can talk, and a mute child as well. Yeah, this my brother. Something happened to us real nasty as boys, which left me British and him unable to speak.

That's becoming more and more common these days. I'd be lying if I said it was the first time I've heard of that. I also have a migrating accent. Is this, oh, sorry, my mum just dropped her bag. Is this your establishment, miss? Yes, I'm managing this estate sale, you see. I fly from estate sale to estate sale, especially when it's specially wealthy people. Oh, what a glamorous life.

I do envy you so. It's incredibly glamorous. I haven't flown anything worse than Comfort Plus in over eight months. Wow. And who would if you could afford it? My God. Well, speaking of afford it,

do my ears deceive me, or did I hear that you've come into an extraordinary amount of money recently? Your ears do not deceive you, my friend. We have come into, I don't mean to brag, I'm not this kind of person, but we have come into a disgusting amount of wealth. Unfortunately, in the coming days,

my father's mother did pass, and we're very sad, aren't we, boys? I am. I really don't know about you. I could positively vomit at the idea of how much money you've inherited. It is rather a mind-numbing sum. I'm scared to even say the number aloud for the damage it could wrought. Don't, don't. My God, that could put us in so much hot water.

No, but we do have, let's just say we have enough to play with while we're here. I mean, the collection at this manor, I've never seen anything like it. Who has the time to recite all those digits anyway? And I don't want to waste any of your time, which is why I simply must distract your attention away from these awful, awful mahogany armoires and gold filigree chests of drawers and take you to the real prize of the estate sale just through this door here. Oh my god. Well, who are we? Royalty or what, boys? This is so-

Hey, boys. One second, boys. Gather round. This is a very important moment. This is a moment where you're going to learn to bargain, but not too much. You don't want to look cheap. You have to hold yourselves with class hold yourself hold your heads high all right yeah i mean i don't i don't really know who you're trying to convince love i mean me and me and the broth we're pretty good uh bargaining wise you're the one who's fucking shaking like a newborn rabbit i don't know what happened to you. You guys still won't tell me. You cannot speak to me this way. We'll go in.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I have a Southwest flight to Boise in 45 minutes. Show us the stuff. Show us the stuff. Please, please. We are, oh my God, I can't even imagine. Is it jewels?

Is it solid gold pieces? I can't even imagine. Well, as we head back to this room, I think you can see there's this beautiful 18th century landscape painting with a frame that's worth more than anything that you'll find in another space. Oh, I mean, the frame alone. I don't know what could be more beautiful than that. Well, I think that's the exact word you would use to describe this painting is beautiful. And then as you keep walking here, no doubt you'll see this beautiful Tiffany lamp, which is...

Oh, my. Oh, my God, I can see my reflection. Oh, it's blinding. It's blinding. It's so beautiful. And this lamp here, I think you would call stunning. Yeah, the painting was beautiful

and this lamp here is stunning. It is. That is stunning. You are right. But what awaits us on the other side of this door here? If I could be so bold, I believe there's only one word

to describe it, and I'm not going to be a little chickadee and lay an egg in your head, but... Well, let's just go here. Let me stop you before you open that door. Let me... Christopher! Shush! You stupid bird.

I'm going to make you an offer. Sight unseen. Christopher, you don't even know who it is Shut it, 100 grand Whatever's behind that door we'll take it 100 grand, deal or no deal I'm going to chalk this up to the Foolishness of you That you would toss out a number like 100 thousand dollars

Yes, thank you Thank you would toss out a number like $100,000 before even seeing. Thank you. Thank you. The knob on this door I wouldn't sell for $100,000, let alone the resplendent image it's hiding. I can hardly wait. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Christopher, for the love of all things holy. Hang one minute. Let me speak to the banker. It's not a banker. Beans over to the silent brother. All right. The banker has said, we're willing to go as high as $250,000.

Final offer. Deal or no deal? $250,000. That's right. American. Currency of choice. Assuming the exchange rate is sort of comparable I mean Well I feel like I should also get a say in this

Because we have not yet seen what it is I cannot stress it enough Shut up Sorry about her she's new Of course Well I have a wonderful mother I could set you up with after this if you're looking. But for now. This is unbelievable.

I think I'd rather go stag for a while. But thank you for the offer. You are 16 years old. You need a guardian. Will you please let me deal? Please, will you please open the door so we can see what my boys would like to buy for $250,000. It's $250,000 and you take everything in this room. Everything, yeah.

Not just the item I was talking about, but everything. Storage wars rules. Let's do it. In a handshake? Ooh, what a strong grip for a 16-year-old boy Thank you, I play bass Well Say goodbye to the lives you were living up until this moment

And say hello To the rest of your lives Oh The room is empty except for one stool in the corner with a scarecrow. It's the only two things in the room. Tuscan burlap.

Oh. A stitching technique that is only practiced anymore in a 14th century abbot in the countryside of Italy. My word. And if you'll just walk over to it here with me just to get a closer look here on these overalls. What do you notice about these overalls? Oh, those buttons. That's right. They're stitched onto the body.

They're stitched onto the body. They're stitched onto the body. It is ivory. It's ivory of a rhino species that hasn't existed for over 200 years. Wow. It died a very painful death, I can assure you. We're getting this hay man and the stool for $250,000 currency of your choice. You can thank me later, Mum.

That's right. Can I be perfectly honest? I feel like I'm in the company of friends now. We're all rich here, Mum. Come on. That's very rich. I feel like we got a steal. I mean, genuinely, miss.

I feel like you undersold. You underplayed your hand. I would have easily done seven. I mean, that's the game of estate sales, isn't it? You say $250,000. Can I give you an extra 50? I couldn't take it. I feel bad

I feel genuine guilt I absolutely could not I mean he's The only word I can think of To describe him Is gorgeous He's gorgeous He is gorgeous

He's gorgeous Now I do have some Follow up questions I do have some Follow up questions Okay Of course

Before we sign the contracts Of course this is all standard This is all standard Where are you planning On keeping This hey man As you call him A scarecrow Of course, I can imagine. Before we sign the contracts. Of course, this is all standard. This is all standard. Where are you planning on keeping this hayman, as you call him, or scarecrow? Hayman. Well, I mean, one would think that he would be kept outside. Customary for scarecrows.

But not. I think I could speak for the family. Oh, absolutely. There's no way. There's no way that this gorgeous boy is going to be braving the elements. Oh, God, no. No, we will set him up nicely. You know, he won't have to worry. He'll get a room in the home.

He'll get a bed, you know, anything he could want. So I don't want, if you want to do a home check, we have a backyard. It is fully enclosed. We have a gate around the pool. We wouldn't like to call it anything as undignified as a home check, but we do like to foster a community around our scarecrows. One last thing,

and I do want you to be aware of this. Your accent really is wandering. You've said that before. I'm hearing it now. It's because she's rich, Mom. Rich people sound like that. There's just one last thing here that I wanted to make you aware of before we finally finalize the sale. Sorry, before we finalize the sale of the Scarecrow.

Yes. He does have a fully functioning penis. Oh, fucking hell. I want to give you ten million dollars. I simply can't. The banker has just told me that we have to give you

at least another million. We have to. Any more money and I'll start doing accents that have become less tolerable for a person of my background to do as we've become more aware of social

injustice and a lot of rich people he couldn't be older than like he couldn't be like older than five I'd like to say something oh my god the banker speaks I think we should give him the whole lot I think we should give her everything Oh my god! The banker speaks! Oh my god!

I think we should give him the whole lot. I think we should give her everything we've got. Because this hayman, this scarecrow, it's our new brother, it's our new father, it's our new everything, and we can't thank her enough. This is the first

word he has said in nine months. This is, um... This is amazing. And I just have to ask, when you say the whole lot, do I... Do I also get your grandmother's skeleton? Well, the banker, it's up to you. Yeah.

Absolutely. Hang on a minute. Guys, I think we might have lost sight of what's really important here. We're willing to trade granny skeleton for a scarecrow with a human cock. That seems a bit of a stretch. She didn't say human. She just said fully functioning. I am looking at the bulge

and there is no way that that is not flesh. I do have to say that this is a Shetland pony penis. Oh my. I do, if we are, if we really need to give him the breast. You can take my corpse

when I'm gone. You can take mine. Give her granny. You can take the boys. You can take mine, whatever. Shetland? Oh, fuck it. Fuck it all.

Give you my soul. Come on, Grandma. We've got a flight to catch. Should we do our last segment? Let's do it. Okay. Dance! It shook me all week long.

Alf, we forgot to set an intention for the episode. We didn't set an intention. We forgot to set an intention. Let's retroactively do it. We normally set intentions. Let's set intentions retroactively. The intention for this episode. God, this episode was. It's going to be the most.

It's going to be the girthiest episode the girthiest episode we've ever done yeah so Daniel just throw that in earlier he just stitches that in this is gonna be the girthiest episode and then the theme song starts Ian what has been shaking

you what's something that you just can't get enough of had too much, can't stop thinking about? It can be quite literally anything. The stakes couldn't be lower. I can't get enough of riced cauliflower or cauliflower rice, if you call it that. I've been getting really in to, I went pretty hard this summer as far as eating absolutely everything I wanted to. And then I got a natural wine because I thought that didn't count as alcohol. And it doesn't.

It doesn't, by the way. And it doesn't, by the way. And the Supreme Court has recently ruled on that. It's natural. And you will be pleading that in the DUI case, yeah? I will be pleading that. I will be passing out little glasses of, little Dixie cups of natural wine at my proceeding.

But as a way to sort of detox from all that fun of eating a lot of riced cauliflower and boy oh boy does it take up room in your stomach. It really is kind of the most just like- Boy, oh boy, is it filling.

This is a vehicle for anything else. Yes, you can put stuff on this and you will forget that you're eating cauliflower a little bit. A little bit. I feel like every time I've had it, it's always like a little bit watery. Just a little. Oh, it's not good.

If you're comparing it to Oh, it's not good. If you're comparing it to food, it's not good. But compared to nothing, compared to being hungry, it's good. Okay. Yes. And I just think we have to start grading rice cauliflower on a curve like that. That's fair. How do you take it? How do you

take your rice cauliflower? In a pan, and I'll heat it up, and then I'll just put an array of whatever sort of sauces and spices I can get my hands on. Did you also know that spices can expire? I sure did. Because I found this out at the age of 38, which is how old I am right now. And what was the spice? What was the spice?

I was going to ask that one. It was like a turmeric, I a tur like a turmeric i think or something like that where i was like it had gone south i ate the cauliflower rice anyway but this is when i found out that like this had been with me i think i may have bought it in portland oregon and i've lived in la for more than a decade so it really put up a fight can they i know i guess i might be learning something here. Can they go bad and hurt you? I don't know. Or is it just they go-

Sorry? I mean, can they go bad? You're not going to get sick, are you? Or is it just like it doesn't taste good? The doctor told me that I have three weeks left to live. And that was two and a half weeks ago. So, so far, so good. Well, you're going out on a bad-

I don't know. I don't know if they can hurt you. They cannot taste as good. Right. That's for sure. But it feels like they hopefully can't hurt you because I'm realizing now that I have many a spice that I will use a single grain of once every three months. I just assume because Marco Polo took them on what had to be years long journeys that it's just fine no matter what. And they never got scurvy.

I understand. It's like, I never would have, it doesn't in my head. I don't know if this sounds dumb, but it's like, it's like, it doesn't make sense for spices to turn.

Like, I don't know why, but I remember like I was cleaning out. Well, I'm also, I'm a hypochondriac with anxiety and incredibly neurotic. And so I check expiration dates all the time on things. And so I remember like, you know, I think my boyfriend and I were cooking and he was

like, we need this. And I'm like, oh, or he's like, are we out of that? Do we have that? And I checked the date on it and it was incredibly old. And I remember like going to toss it and it was like one giant clump like coming out of the and it was like years old years old the expiration dates on spices are jump scares you're like 2015 100 you're like crazy like numbers yeah anyway that's what's that's what's shaking me i'm i'm make godspeed on the rice cauliflower cauliflower rice i hope you get another jar of turmeric that you don't throw out until you're 60 years old.

I'm waiting for it to make the journey. It's like wedding anniversary wine or champagne. It's your anniversary turmeric. We have our anniversary cake and the kid where our anniversary was last week. And now I got a cake. Oh, happy anniversary. Thank you very much. You got to deal with so romantic. Well, I Thank you very much. That you got to deal with.

So romantic. Well, I'm trying to eat healthy now, and it's like, fuck, there's a whole cake here. Just throw some turmeric on it. Just throw it over some rice cauliflower. That's what I'm hoping how it works. I'll just flop the entire cake on a bed of rice cauliflower. Riley, what's been shaking? No, I did you first.

Riley, what's been shaking you? Alfie, teeny bobeeny. No, Riley, whiny Riley come up with something cause I need to rack my little brain oh Christ what has been shaking me um I have one okay great

I just thought of one did I talk about this already fuck I can't remember my blackout curtains no um the uh I once inadvertently tried to talk about my blackout curtains for this segment like three weeks in a row without remembering that I'd done it. No, I went to a graveyard. I went to a graveyard. You went just for fun? Well, to pick my plot.

No, I went to a graveyard last weekend because I just moved. I'm not going to dox myself i moved to chicago a place in chicago where there is a graveyard nearby there's a lot of graveyards in chicago it's a haunted city um and i had a really good time just walking around and like looking at the graves and like so you went you did just go just for fun i genuinely went to like because here's the thing to get into chicago geography for you i used to live really close to the lake and you lived in the bean i used to live in the bean which is very very close to the lake and you could just kind of finally got out like one of those giant hamster balls you could kind of walk and the bean would move and i could get some water that way but now i live

further inland and so it's like the green space is like a little harder to come by because the lake is so verdant um and so now I have this graveyard, which is going to be my new lake. I'm going to be going there, going for a swim in the mausoleum. I have a graveyard, which is going to be my new lake. You want to sing that like it's a Vecura lyric?

I have a graveyard. That's going to be my new lake. It's going to be my new lake. It's going to be my lake. Just bringing it back to me, obviously getting everywhere I've ever gotten in life by singing and I no but genuinely Charles Dickens' brother is buried there

and his entire epitaph is like Augustus Dickens or whatever brother of Charles Dickens and it's like fucking hell if I died and my epitaph was just like Sam's brother, that would be pretty brutal.

It was his idea to name him Ebenezer. Really? No, I don't know. I'm like, I'm his brother, but yeah, I told him the name of Ebenezer. I was the one who came up with the Ebenezer. Yeah. Bah humbug. I used to say that. He put that in becausezer. Yeah. Bah humbug. I used to say that.

He put that in because I used to say bah humbug. I used to walk around a cemetery all the time when I lived in Portland. Yeah. It's just kind of fun. And they're not like recent enough that you're kind of like, ugh. Like it's an old graveyard. Most of the death dates are like 1930. So you're like.

Yeah. That's fun. I like that. I feel like I've, i drove past a graveyard last i was in chicago funny enough where it was like fresh like fresh dirt and it's that's tough that's sad yeah we don't have graveyards in la because as soon as someone turns 40 they're shipped out to somewhere else in the country yep the whole place is kind of like disneyland no one has ever died yes everyone gets shipped out to like Orange County.

It's like you have to die across the border. Vote Republican and then die. What's been shaking me? What's been shaking me? Okay, I have kind of an earnest one. Sorry. Sorry. We're getting earnest.

It's okay. So I watched, my mom and i watched little miss sunshine for the first time in forever uh this past week it's such a fucking perfect movie it's amazing but i um watching oh my god for those of you who are not familiar go watch it it's it's a fantastic fantastic movie it's one of my favorite favorite it's daniel rashid's favorite movie of all time it's so good um but the scene in i wept my way through that movie because i was like i see so much of my younger self in olive and like i the this the alamode ice cream diner scene oh i was crying the entire time i couldn't stop crying watching that film and like i just uh anyway if you want to dm me about body dysmorphia don't but no that's kind

of what the sentiment of this of this what shook me is is that it's uh so anyway so my new thing is like my new thing a thing that i know my new thing is my new thing is having body smorgasbord it's like it's like uh i just love the the alamode scene basically the scene is just like is this little girl wanting waffles with ice cream and not understanding the dad is like fat shaming her for eating ice cream and it's just it turns out to be a very sweet moment and so just like hey

Alamode is like my little reminder when my body's Murphy kicks in anyway um fucking I love that movie

Scarecrow so good right yeah no it's so good you don't need to it's so no it's amazing I think

to be earnest to be earnest to be earnest okay go crazy go on I think one of the things I remember when I saw that movie for the first time when I was younger it's amazing. I think, to be earnest, to be earnest, to be earnest. Okay, go crazy. Go on. I think that one of the things I remember when I saw that movie for the first time when I was younger, it's like, it's a portrayal of like an incredibly dysfunctional family in which there's still like a lot of love. You know what I mean? Like everyone's like deep care for each other, even though none of them know how to communicate properly.

Yes. And I was like this is so good it's the same reason i left malcolm in the middle yeah you know but it's like true brian cranston who's in little miss sunshine yes he's like that guy the the the guy who uh uh greg kinnear like tries to sell his like nine step self-help program to you wow and i literally forgot he was in it and he came on screen and I said, is that, is that Brian Cranston?

IMDB sure is. That's wild. Um, well, Ian, thank you so much for coming on. This was such a treat. My pleasure.

It was a treat for me. I loved it. This was so much fun. Uh, where can people find you? Oh, listen to all fantasy, everything where we fantasy draft things from,

from the popular culture. It's an amazing show. If you guys haven't listened to what you were missing out, it is so fucking funny. That's so nice. You to say, I'm also on Twitter, Instagram,

tech talk. You can find me there. I'm doing a lot of standup in, in and around LA. And then also on the road. I'm going to Vancouver, BC, Austin. Going back home to Portland soon. By soon, I mean March of next

year, but tickets will be available in a couple weeks. Yeah, so come see me do stand-up. Hell yeah. You can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. We're on the HeadGum Discord ReviewReview. You can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review we're on the head gum discord review review um and you can find jeff and i jeffrey james and i have a patreon we do zoom hangs monthly zoom hangs monthly q and a's patreon.com slash riley and jeff

i show up to the zoom hang sometimes just saying that should be an incentive right to give like it's an npr station you should give to the patreon guys if you give to the patreon they're gonna make a you can get this 16 cd set we actually have a very generous person who's gonna match every uh patreon subscription up to a hundred dollars because he doesn't pay to come on the zoom come on i don't need to um and before i uh plug riley's shit uh that you already know all of that uh reminder that we are doing a show as part of the new york comedy festival november 5th at the little field in brooklyn 5 p.m on a sunday be there let's get 5 30 no i say five because all of our listeners are going to be late.

We're just going to leave the tics. Be cozy with us. And that's how I'm going to start selling the show is that we're going to be cozy. Be cozy at an improv show. And it'll be fun. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and spa and you can find her on

Twitter.com no it's called X now for as long as it lasts at Riley coyote and as we say every week on the show we say this every week every week we say it and we all know it and we all know it

I actually have a tattoo oh my god where is it it's because we say it and we all know it. Ian knows it and we all know it. I actually have a tattoo. Oh my God. It's because we say it so often. I have it sort of circling my belly button. Oh, wow. Must be a huge font. It's a really big font. Because it's such a short thing we say every week, I guess.

It's 72 size font. Right, right. Which you can ask for at a tattoo place. They're like, how big do you want it? You say 72 size font. They understand. Aer's 72 size font. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Which you can ask for at a tattoo place. They're like, how big do you want it? You say 72 size font. They understand. Aerial 72 point bold. That's right.

Yeah. Bold italics underlined. For this little quip that we say every week. For this little one word that we say every week. For this little one word that we say. Hamburger. Hamburger. Hamburgers.

We say every single week. The shortest word in the English language. I have to say, I think you guys are sick of it. Hamburger. as we say every single week. The shortest word in the English language. I have to say, I think you guys are sick of it. Hamburger. Circling Ian's belly button hamburger. See you next time. Bye. Weeve out, you wouldn't believe, we review Review, you're there for a year now Alpert's frickin' here now, input from Chicago To hotly weird

Review, review, review, review Start the show, get weird On a silent, silent Let's get it Alpert, ha Let's get it Borgwell in here Let's get it Evans, ha Let's get it Alpert in here Let's get it Borgwell in here Let's get it Evans, ha! Let's get it Alvin in here! Let's get it Barwell in, ha!

Let's get it Adams in here! Let's get it Alvin, ha! Let's get it Alvin in here, yeah! Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley, and Riley, Riley. One of the scenes in Review Review is about a nightmare horse that's about 30 feet tall and has a nest filled with spider little tiny horses. I don't understand the minds of Riley and Alfred to be able to come up with something so deranged. That was a Hiddem Original.