Review Revue - Seltzers

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

Reilly and Geoff read reviews about flavored seltzers and discuss depressing frat parties, a condemned Panera, career growth at Rite Aid, and reveal an exclusive glimpse into the actual innerworkings of big seltzer.Follow Reilly and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. She'd give me money on life and moan. Yeah, she's a dry flint, friend or not.

Yeah, she's a gore fucker. All the time. That gorge on me. That's a reference to the episode of the HeadGum podcast that came out today, where we did a segment, Gord Fucker or Seers seer sucker which means that and this came in from trevor that means that trevor woke up this morning at a time that he had enough time to make this song and send it in before we record today on a friday at 11 a.m pacific so i couldn't really hear the lyrics very clearly in this and i think because i didn't have that point of reference so in my mind i heard goat fucker which made me think that this theme

song was a parody of the play the goat or who is sylvia by edward al. And I thought that is an extremely deep cut for one of my favorite plays. Is it? It absolutely is. Interesting. But we'd never talked about that on this show. And so I can only think people taking like, you know, oh, Riley wants musical theater things.

I'm going to give her a play. Not only am I going to give her a play, I'm going to give her The Goat by Edward Albee. But it wasn't that. Hi, Jeffrey! It was fucking a muskmelon. Hi. Jeffrey, guess what?

What? I'm in my jammies. Yeah. I'm in my gym jams. Nice. I'm in my gym jams. Nice. I'm cozy. Mm-hmm. Why are you already, like, so exaggerated? I hate this energy.

Why? Jam. You're not a toddler. You're an adult woman. I'm in my jammies. You're older than me. I'm going to go to Jamboree in my jammies this is illegal i think it's not you just don't like it i genuinely hate it how are you what's new

i'm back i love that um i. I'm riding a cafefe. Excuse me? And I don't mean the caffeine buzz. It's in me. I had my first cup of coffee of the day, and I feel short of breath. I feel the caffeine really. My heart is just pounding. Yeah. No, I'm anxious.

Yeah, I'm anxious for sure. I'm anxious, and I need my jammies. Yeah. Sorry, you said caffeine is in you? Caffeine, well, no, the cold brew is in me. The caffeine runs through my veins. Ice in my veins, ice, ice in my veins, if you know what I mean. And that's not even a song parody.

I just made that up. Yesterday we had a very fun time. Yesterday we had a photo shoot. We had a photo shoot. Hopefully the photos will be out before this. Not all of them, but before this episode drops on August 10th because we should say

we're recording on July 30th. This is absolutely July 30th. Wow, it's almost August. That's crazy. The summer's almost over. But we live in California, so it's kind of like eternal summer.

It is eternal summer, but like not the vibes. Like the weather is eternal summer, but the vibes are not always as free as they are now. Summer is my least favorite season. Are you serious? 100% is my least favorite season. That's crazy to me.

I don't like the heat. How is it not spring? Spring is the worst. No, I love spring. That's insane. My first favorite's fall. Easily favorite season. For sure.

I think, honestly, probably second winter, third spring, fourth summer. That's insane. Everyone, because I ask the people this question a lot.

No one's ever put spring above anything. I love spring. Especially in LA, spring is awful. Why? Because like spring and other climates,

and I grew up in like the Midwest. Spring was great there because it starts to be sunny again. You're coming out of your seasonal depression. L.A. it's always sunny. The sun's always out. Spring is – it's a flyover season. But it's summer but not as hot in LA. No, but I also

hate the heat. Like so much. I can't deal with the heat. So then how is just summer your favorite season? Because of the vibes and the freedom. That's crazy. And what it represents. And outdoor concerts. Going to the beach. 100% what it represents. What do you mean? We're talking about seasons. You like fall because it represents

sweater weather and Halloween. No, that's true. Yeah, what do you mean? I think it's just because I have never been a fan of like going to the beach because I'm so pale that it's just like I need to be in shade the whole time. And so it's like going to the beach with all my friends, especially going from California, all my very tan friends being like, oh, let's just go lay out in the sun. I'm like, that sounds horrible. I will sweat, get sandy, and burn. No, I hate that too.

I just think that spring has absolutely nothing to offer. Like, I don't care that summer is not your favorite. I just care that you put spring over it. Because you know what? Spring is shitty. It's because when I was in Boston, I think it's like that's when I experienced spring for the first time, like in a way that wasn't just being in LA so it's like I came out of like a really shit Boston winter and then to

experience spring after fucking gnarly northeast winter it was incredible I had that my entire life growing up you had it for four years I had it for 17 years I know and I'm saying even then it was fine but now it is taken away the one thing that spring has to offer. Like the only thing in LA that's good about spring is that it rains and then it's green. I love the rain. Yeah. But you know what? Like, okay, since we're still in summer, you know what it represents?

Yeah. Cracking open something cold. Ice cold. Something bubbly. Something tangy potentially something with a zing to it yeah with a zip with a on your lip it's electronic water in a way we're talking some of our favorite things in the world we're talking seltzers i fucking love a seltzer, Jeffrey. I really do.

And I know you do too. We fucking live for that static in our mouths. I need bubbles bursting inside of my bubble for nursing. What? Your mouth. Your mouth is basically a bubble for nursing. You can't. No.

What? Like, I hate that you're right. Jeff, what are some of your favorite seltzers? That bubbly water... Yeah, Spindrift. Spindrift. Spindrift has the best lemon.

Spindrift has the best raspberry lime. Spindrift has the worst grapefruit, I will say. So if you're going to put together like the starting five, you're going to want the Pomplamoose LaCroix over the Spindrift grapefruit. And that's I'll die on that steak. I'll also raise the stakes and say that bubbly cherry is very cherry. Also, bubbly apple is really good. Oh, yeah.

Basically, I mean, just listen, we love a flavored sparkling water. They dehydrate the shit out of you. But I can have a can by can I can chug like two lemon spindrifts in one sitting and it'll change me. Lemon is my favorite of any like flavored seltzer for me any other flavor than that. I'm just not crazy about because it just either tastes artificial or it kind of gets muddied. But lemon is my favorite for sure. And I will often have a lemon seltzer with dinner. Let's say I have a spin drift. And Daniel will have his nightly sip.

He doesn't even want a full can. I'm like, we have more. I can give you. And he's like, no, no, I'll just take a sip. And that satiates him. And I'm like, no, I need to chug this shit. Yeah. I love housing them. I really love housing them.

There's nothing better than picking up your seltzer and feeling that you have a good 20 sips left. You know what I mean? And that it's still cold. Because you gotta get when it's still cold. Once it starts to get room temp, then it's like, ooh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. But also, I feel like the past two years have been the years of hard seltzers.

Everything wants to be a hard seltzer now. High Noon, I don't know if it came out in 2019, but I was at Echo Park Rising and it was like sponsoring every show. And they were like really pushing High Noon hard seltzer. And I was like, this this seems fine but it's also new and i'm wary about it uh what's the other one white claw white claw white claw and truly white claws bad i think like i'll drink it i'm not crazy about like i remember like seeing friends at parties and stuff like posting that it's like everyone was loving their white claws and i'm like oh I've never tried it.

And I remember at the Hedgum anniversary party two years ago was the first time that I tried one. Oh, Marty was really excited about White Claws that year. Marty was really excited. And I tried it. And I really, I'm like, this is fine. I think their flavoring is just bad. Because I think Truly is good. I think High Noon is good.

Obviously, we got to talk about the Spindrift hard site seltzers, the Spiked Spindrift. I didn't spin drift uh i didn't haven't heard of this no this is crazy they're so fucking good they have tons of flavors my favorite is the arnie palmy um it's so good just say arnold palmer arnie palmy no okay but yeah i want to get some spikes spin drift for the hegemanniversary party which i won't be able to be yet you You're going to be in Chicago. Are you kidding me? I know. I'm so bummed. You're going to miss two years.

I guess that's... Well, everyone missed last year. Say three. Yeah, I know. But like that... I live for these parties. I know. I do too.

I'm really bummed I won't be there. We'll see if it's fun because I think they're trying to make it all in the yard. That'll be very fun. Which is also probably safer, but like, I don't know. I want it to be at a desk. Why? For a party. For a party.

You want to be at a desk for a party? I'll do some work during it, sure. Jesus Christ. Jeff, should we get into our first review? Yeah, let's do it. Do you want to start us off? Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-ba-da. Uh, sure. Okay. This, Do you want to start us off? Sure.

Okay. This is a review for the variety pack of White Claws. Why we chose seltzer is because we're doing hard and soft seltzers. And a soft seltzer is a virgin seltzer, which is just seltzer. Yeah. Anyway, this is for the variety pack of White Claw. It's five stars from Essie. Can you give Essie a last name? Essie signed.

Essie signed. Okay. Yes. Five stars. The title is pretty good. Not fond of some flavors. And the body is just like some flavors, not all. Not fond of some flavors.

Just some. Not all. Like, it's just I just imagine someone getting fucking rat. Like, you know, like it's like everyone was obsessed with White Claw. I just want being like, I'm not crazy about all of them and everyone losing their minds. Just some. not all. Get out. No, I mean, I'll take the unflavored one,

and I'll put a little bit of lime in it. You can't do that here. What do you mean I can't do? It's my birthday party. It's your birthday party at Sigma Chi. Right, you guys said you'd host it for me. Right, yeah, we said you'd host it for you. Right. Yeah. We said you'd host it for you. Yeah.

Not unless you drink White Claw that we like. Oh, come on, man. Like, I know I'm a new pledge, but I thought it was really kind of you guys to be like, Hey, man, you know, I know you're new, Kyle, so we're going to throw you the best birthday bash ever. Amen. Let's talk to you over here for a second. Yeah.

This is all they have. You know what I mean? Like they don't like their major. They don't even want to go to this school. They didn't get into their dream schools. We wanted to go here. We're passionate. We like things.

It's your birthday. Yeah. So I think the least you could do for everyone else is just like drink the white class. What are you talking about? It's my birthday. So the least I could do for you on someone's birthday, it's like, hey, you should do this for them because it's their special day. I know.

And I get that. And we can do like a. And I'm not even asking them to do anything. I just want to drink the ones that I like. They offered me a black cherry one and I said, no, I would like a lime one. It would really mean a lot to them if you just did the black cherry or like the watermelon. But we have lime ones available. I just I think it's going gonna be a better night if you

just kind of do this for them you know what i mean are your parents still together yeah they're still they've been together 40 plus years see you wouldn't get it so i all of our parents are divorced it's the other thing alex i'm so sorry to hear that man no it's it's fine they were really you know it got better after they split and that's good the whole idea sorry i just had a flashback to one of their worst fights um the whole idea is you know being a little selfless doing something for someone else on your birthday on your day and that's the ultimate kind of sacrifice so if you could just have the black cherry if you just have the watermelon i mean like if this is

seriously gonna be the thing that is between us all having a good night or me being kicked out of my own birthday party then yeah it's like i'm fine with it i was just saying that i didn't like them as much as i like the other flavors i'll all right who wants to play beer pong birthday boy uh well uh we could play beer pong but i also thought it'd be nice to just kind of sit around maybe play like two truths and a lie or something and kind of get to know each other better since I'm a new pledge. Can we get him out of here? Can we get him out of here? Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, my God. This is my birthday party, Alex. What the fuck? It would. Can you just play me your pong, please? I mean, Rodney is just on the verge of tears over there. His parents are divorced. He really needs this.

He doesn't love his major. He doesn't have passion. Why do I have to be the one to fix that, man? Like, I'm coming in here. I'm an engineering major. I have so much work to do, and this is my birthday. Keep your voice down. Hey, you say engineering?

I don't want any passionate talk over there. No, I love what I do. I'm sorry, Alex. I just, I can't. Hey, get him out of here! Lower your voice. Don't say that around Rodney. Just- What do you say? How do you- You love your major too. You're an English major. You love to read. You love books. How do you talk about it with everyone? You say like- I don't talk about it here. I talk about it with my English major

friends, obviously. Do they know that you are an English major? Or do they think you're majoring in what they're majoring in? They think I'm undecided as a junior Just, can you please play one round of beer pong With the seltzers you don't like On your birthday Oh my god As the ultimate sacrifice Just for Rodney and the gang

I Just, maybe this will change your mind Rodney, are you happy? No See? This He needs this just maybe this will change your mind. Rodney, are you happy? No. See? He needs this. Rodney, would it make you happy if he played beer pong with the seltzers?

Yeah. It's all it takes with him. 15 minutes out of your birthday and that would be a savior. Okay, guys, I will play one round of beer pong with the white claws I don't like. And then after that, after that, we are playing two truths and a lie.

And we're going to drink wine. We'll see. Just get through the beer pong thing. And then, like, you're doing too much at once. Let's just get through the beer pong thing first. I cannot stress enough how it is my 21st birthday. I imagine this night being, like, a bar crawl with my best friends and people buying me drinks, people going out of their way to make me feel like it's my day, which it is.

Hey, Ben. It's kind of awkward, but I'm short on rent this month. Could you give me like $200? I swear I'm good for it uh i am sorry i hate to laugh um rodney do you have anyone else you could possibly ask other than me on my birthday to give you money for your rent well when you put like that it like that, it sounds perfect. When I put, like, you asking someone else, like maybe a family member, rather than... No, asking you on your birthday,

because it's like, we did all this for you. You're having a great time. You did all this for me. You did all of this for me. You put up a balloon. Easy, man. Easy, easy, easy. You didn't even spell my name correctly. It's Bomb.

An M isn't even in my name. It's happy birthday B-O-M, bomb. You're like kind of cornering Rodney. Hey man, Ben, you want to like calm down a little bit? So Rodney, no, I'm not going to give you $200 fucking dollars to pay your rent on my- You grab him by the throat and like push him up the wall? I'm not going to give you $200, all right? You're hurting me.

Ben, come on, take it easy, man. Take it easy. So you know what? Ben, come on. Take it easy, man. Take it easy. So you know what? It's Bombs Day. And tonight, we're gonna do it Bombs way. So we're not gonna play beer pong. We're gonna sit down. We're gonna get to know each other.

And we're gonna drink some Cab Sav. Let you go. Alright, alright. Cut to everyone sitting down. Okay, I'll start since I'm the birthday boy. Rodney's crying. All right, you'll have to guess which two are lies and which one's the truth. Okay, my parents are happily married, better than ever.

Everybody burst out tears. Oh! They renewed their vows last month No And they just Bought a side by side Plot for their graves No

Everybody drink Everybody's too sad to drink Alright should we take a break Absolumo Everybody's too sad to drink. All right. Should we take a break? Absolue ma. And we're back. All right. One star from, I guess we just need a full name. Sandal.

That's the first name? Rind. Of course. One star from Sandal Rind. This is of Bubbly Sparkling Water, the six flavor pack. I have bought this product on countless occasions without issue. I bought a pack last week and one of the cans appears to have metallic, likely aluminum paste on the outside of the rim.

This was not only scary, but dangerous. I called Amazon, who other than refunding my $10 purchase, had no idea what to say about it or what to do. I asked to speak to customer safety. They declined. I asked to share the photos. They declined. Oh my god. I have no idea how much of this I ingested and how toxic it is or was, but that was largely irrelevant to Amazon,

who waits for its customers to post reviews like this before taking action. I just love the idea of, like, asking for something and somebody declining to give it to you. Like. What do you mean? And something that is, like, a public health and safety issue. Hey, excuse me. Mm-hmm.

I got my smoothie. It looks like there was some kind of beef in it. Oh, shoot. I am so sorry about that. You know, here at Panera, sometimes things get a little mixed up during the lunch rush. I'm so sorry about that. It just doesn't make a ton of sense because, like, it was a fully blended smoothie and then just seemed like there was, like, a pot roast put in inside of it.

That is probably exactly what happened. So that doesn't feel like a mistake. That doesn't feel like somebody put the wrong ingredient in the blender and then poured it out. I feel like you pour the smoothie out and then you put something extra in it, which is kind of... Could I get another smoothie? I guess it's irrelevant.'s oh um no but thank you so much for for coming in all right next customer please wait wait so what do you mean no oh it is no you cannot get another smoothie but thank you so much for coming in um all right you put beef bourguignon in my straw nana smoothie yes and that was entirely by accident.

But no, you cannot get another one. I am so sorry. The next person in line, hey, get out of here, buddy. Welcome to New York. We're not in New York. We're in New Jersey. Hello, how can I help you today?

Yeah. I ordered a Chinese chicken salad, and I just gotta admit there is beef in it. Oh my goodness. Two for two. What a bummer. Hey guys, come on. What's with the beef and all the non-beef items?

I'm so sorry. You guys have been in the back snickering. We thought it would be funny. You guys are crazy today. I gotta tell Joel about you. Joel's our manager. I gotta tell Joel about you guys. You're saying it playfully. You guys are crazy today. I don't know. I got to tell Joel about you. Joel's our manager. I got to tell Joel about you guys. You're saying it playfully. You actually should tell Joel.

No, I totally will. I totally will. I'm going to write this up for sure. Thank you for letting us know. You guys, Tim and Tom, come on, you little rascals. Can I just get another salad without the beef? Absolutely not. And you are holding up the line.

But thank you so much for asking. Tim, Tom, stop throwing the deli slices at each other. You guys are, these guys are crazy. They're like my brothers. They're like, they're so crazy. Cut back to the kitchen. And what if we took the bread, if somebody orders bread, and we put beef in it? Oh my god, dude, we have to.

We literally, we literally have to do the beef bread. We have to do the beef bread on the next one. I'm not even kidding. Like, it'll be so funny. Summer job. Summer job. Cut back to the line. What do they mean summer job? They look 40. This is their summer job. They just have a job for summer? I mean, they both look merry. They both have wedding job for summer? I mean, they both look merry. They both have wedding rings. Well, you know, they really feel like the vibe of summer means that they should have a summer job and kind of what summer represents.

And so this is how they want to spend that time. So, sorry, again, you are holding up the line. I am going to need to ask you to move. You're loitering. I'm so sorry. The next person. Out of my way, man. Welcome to New York.

We're in New Jersey. Hello. What can my way, man. Welcome to New York. We're in New Jersey. Hello. What can I get for you? Welcome to Venera. Hi. Can I get a cheese Danish? A cheese Danish. Yeah.

A cheese Danish. You know what? I'm going to have to pass on that, actually. What do you mean? Thank you so much for coming. You're actually holding up the line. We are huge. It's a busy, busy summer day here in New York City, in Manhattan. Out of my way. Welcome to New York. Welcome, welcome to New York. We're in New Jersey. What's up? What can I get for you today?

I'll just have a water. You know what? Let me, let me check in the back and see if we have any and come back. And it's a cup with like a little slab of roast beef like twirled around in it. And one water for you. There you go. But this has roast beef in it. Oh my goodness.

They got me. They're like cartoonishly peeking their heads out behind a wall like What is this place? It's, everyone together, it's New York. New York. No it isn't. The other three guys

have been standing right next to the counter the whole time. They're just watching in horror. Alright, your next review. This is for Spintrift. Yes. Spindrift. Okay.

This is for the Spindrift mango flavor, which I've never tried. Okay. This is four stars from Katie PK. So I need a P and a K. Let's go Katie Felt with a PH. Okay. Cranky. With a K?

Yep. Okay. So two words that don't start with either of those letters. What's that? Okay. Well, her name does. They're not the words. Katie.

They're surnames. Katie Felt Cr cranky. Your child's being born. You know the last name is cranky. You still, like anything you eat. Felt. Katie felt cranky. Or feels. Katie felt cranky.

Forced for spit. You know that song, what is it? Charlie. Oh, it's Charlie Don't Surf. It's like, Charlie don't surf in your nose. So it's like, what's the first name? Katie Felt Cranky. Katie Felt Cranky.

Yeah. You can do that with any song. Daniel, cut this out. No, keep it in, Daniel. You can do that with any fucking song. You can be like, Sgt. Pepper's only heart can be like, Katie felt cranky hearts club band.

No, it doesn't work. It's not Charlie, don't stop. So it's basically, Katie felt cranky hearts. No, because cranky is two syllables. You are forcing it. Like, that's not a one-to-one. No, it's basically, maybe you didn't hear it because maybe the Zoom cut out, but it's basically.

No, now you're saying Katie don't crank. Katie don't crank. Oh, my God. Cheers. Sorry. What about Rock the Casbah? Katie felt cranky. So that's how I think Rock the Casbah goes.

It's the same song as Charlie Don't Serve, and you just think that's Rock the Casbah? Rock the Casbah. Okay, this is four stars for Spango Mindango mindrift jesus christ katie felt cranky i love spin drift sparkly seltzer water locally i can get grapefruit lemon and raspberry lime i wanted to try mango orange because i am a big mango fan mango has has a capital M. This is definitely not my favorite flavor. My taste buds have adjusted somewhat, but I have to squeeze fresh lime in it to make it palatable. When it first arrived and I tried it the first few times, it made me think that this is what butternut squash

would taste like if it was a seltzer water flavor. Won't be ordering this flavor again, but I love all the others and this product. Going to try the cucumber flavor next and then strawberry. Smiley face. All right. Spin drift company meeting. We're taking some pitches for new flavors. As you guys all know, we've had record quarters the past two years. Everybody cannot get enough of spin drift.

Good job, you guys. Good job. Go team. We've nailed it on these past couple eight flavors. Let's create the next hit variety pack jameson what do you got all right man it's a pretty tall order but you know what i think we can do it so i have a couple ideas written down but the one i keep you i just keep coming back to as the holiday season is approaching i couldn't help but feel roast turkey.

It is a roast turkey. Stop it, Jameson. I had cranberry on here. Guys, what if we did a Thanksgiving flavor pack? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yes, Jameson. That's a brilliant idea.

Well, let's relax for a little bit. You know, you don't want to ride the high of nailing it the past couple quarters too much, too far. Listen, let's shy away from savory. Let's shy away from meat, right? Because I don't even know how we would create an essence of turkey. But I can't imagine that it would come out in any either palatable or ethical way. Lisa, what do you got okay um i would just like to say that cranberry isn't savory but it's okay we can come around to it later we can we have cranberry is the thing but you were saying cranberry sauce which is borderline savory

i guess it just depends on where you get it from but it's okay it's okay we don't have to do it right now um let's hear your other ideas all right ideas. Okay, so we all know that I am just kind of like the most bubbly of this bunch, the most bubbly of the seltzer water company. Yeah, you are, you are. No, stop it. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Rodney, Rodney, stop. I'm actually talking.

Sorry. Sorry. So I was thinking maybe we do cotton candy stick. So it's not the cotton candy. It is the stick on which you get the cotton candy stick. So it's not the cotton candy. It is the stick on which you get the cotton candy. Yay! I knew everyone would love it. I think we're all.

And I was actually thinking that that could translate into like a fairground variety pack. Why do we all cheer when Jameson said Thanksgiving variety pack? No, I love fairground. I was really daydreaming about it. Thank you, Rodney. What do you mean fairground? What else would it be? Elephant ears?

Elephant tears from the animals that are forced to perform In the circuses So it would be elephant tears Cotton candy stick Dust tornado On a hot day And Rodney I'll let you spearhead that one I'll let you spearhead that one

No nobody's gonna spearhead this And a clown Why not just cotton candy and you can't make a seltzer taste like a human person who's clowning? I think we're getting a little too big for our britches here. Let's just humor this fairground idea. We could do cotton candy. We could do candy apple. You know, these are some good flavors that I think people might take to and you guys are all shaking your heads like I'm the idiot. This is insane.

It's just that, Liam, you've always said to see ourselves as like the Willy Wonka of the seltzer world. I've never said that. I've never said that. You've never said that? No, Liam, you said we needed to think with our brains. And with our hearts. Yeah, what word in that sentence says Willy Wonka? Well, you know, like, oh, shit. We had a movie night recently, and you weren't invited.

Not because we didn't want you there, but it was like a brainstorm meeting. And so we were all really inspired by the moment where Willy Wonka's like, oh, and the schnozberries taste like schnozberries. It's like all these unique flavors, and we wanted to come to you as a unified front and show you how inspired we are to keep working and keep making this company be the most innovative on the market. Actually, on that topic, I had a pitch. Yeah, what is it, Rodney?

Schnozberries. Okay, so that does not exist, and so we'd have to make up a flavor. I love that, Rodney. We could do a Willy Wonka variety pack. Yeah, and I don't think we'd need their permission. No, we definitely would not. Yes, you would.

You 100% need permission. We could just go for it and put it out there. No, we can't just go for it and put it out there. Okay, well, I think we're all in agreement that it's either going to be Willy Wonka variety pack or Fairground. No way. Absolutely, it's not between those two.

Okay, well, what are your ideas, Liam? You've been asking us for ours, but you haven't given any yourself. Other than you riding the coattails of my cotton candy. I thought it'd be nice to do a pina colada. So, like, coconut, mango, pineapple. I thought it'd be cool to do, like, a daiquiri.

So, it's strawberry, lime, and maybe that could even be pitched to the Spike Seltzer team. These are real fruits. These are things that we can get the essence of easily. We only use natural fruit juice. I don't know if you guys are remembering that. Sellout. What's that?

Sorry, Peter. First thing you said all meeting. No, it's just like, I mean, you know, everyone's doing that these days. And so if you want to be a corporate puppet, then yeah, we'll do pina colada. We'll do daiquiri. But like you're not brave enough to be an innovative leader. I think that's what we're all kind of discovering. So yeah, I'll say it.

You're a sellout, dude. Yeah. Peter, you just started growing your hair and now you think you're like some kind of hippie and I'm the corporate man. Your dad owns the company. Let's just say you wear a tie and I don't. And people can take from that what they want. Neither of us are wearing ties. I'm wearing a t's just say you wear a tie and I don't. Neither of us are wearing ties.

I'm wearing a t-shirt. You're wearing a button down. Yeah. Listen, maybe we just adjourn for the week. Take the weekend. It's Friday. I know we're doing summer Fridays. Everybody wants to get out of here.

We can think on it. See what flavors you guys experience over the weekend. We can come back together on Monday. Hey, guys. Is it crazy to do a vote of confidence meeting right right now i feel like we're all feeling the same way yeah honestly peter like i'm really on board for that yeah me too yeah okay rodney rodney yes you're in all right so this is crazy a vote of confidence meeting because you guys want to do turkey seltzer and i think that's insane and possibly and cotton candy stick god damn it that's cardboard you're talking about paper towel rolls

almost dude you can't Lisa Lisa like that you cannot no no no way it's just it's justified for sure honestly honestly Liam. Everyone saw that. That was misogyny. Alright, vote of confidence. Vote of confidence. Who thinks Lisa's the new head of marketing and flavors? And that is Liam's title. Raise your hand, everybody. I'm putting up two hands. Interns in the back. Okay, you guys don't get to vote in the vote of confidence, but that does sting. Under my new regime, the interns will get to vote in the vote of confidence. Yeah!

We have like 50 interns sitting in this salon. Yeah! Oh, it's deafening. How did we get... They're all getting paid? Now they are. Yeah! No way that's in the budget.

Hayden Cotton Candy Sticks. Hey, interns. Yeah. Hit them with the thing that we hate most at Spindrift. Milk. They throw chocolate milk loose all over Liam. Oh, it's so dairy. And now that I think of it,

as my first act of the new CEO of Flavors and Things, I would like to propose within our fairground variety pack, loose chocolate milk flavor. Yeah! Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Me. loose chocolate milk flavor. Yeah! Lisa! Lisa! Me! Me!

Me! The window, they're on like the seventh floor, the window just kind of opens like the Fleetwood doors. Yeah. Liam's back is to it. What the fuck?

I thought these were sealed. We're so high up. Rodney approaches. Me! This is Spindrift! Kicks him out. Yeah! We killed him!

Cut to a year later. It's a Spin Drift fan favorite variety pack, and one of the players is Liam. In parentheses, clown. The only clown at Spin Drift corporate was Liam. Yeah. The interns are still working for us. The interns are now collectively the CEO.

It's a co-op. All right, do we have time for one more? Fuck yeah, crazy ass. Easy, easy. I'm not a crazy ass. You're a crazy ass. No, come on, man. I don't actually take too kindly to that crazy ass shit. You're not a crazy ass. You're a crazy ass. No, come on, man. I don't actually take too kindly to that crazy ass shit.

No, come on. You're just like, you're a fucking crazy ass. That's enough! Crazy ass. I'm not a crazy ass. Yelling at your mom. I'm not a crazy ass, dad. No, you know what? You're my son. You're a crazy ass. No, you're not. I'm nothing a crazy ass, dad. No, you know what? You're my son. You're a crazy ass. No, you're not.

I'm nothing like you. You are more like me than I'm like me. What does that mean? The sooner you get that through your crazy ass, the better off we'll be. The sooner you get that through your ass, that thick ass of yours. The sooner you get this through your dump truck ass, the easier we're going to have a family time. Never mind. Never mind, yeah.

Okay. One star from Remus X. Remus X Machina. So it's just kind of like when Remus in a godlike form saves everyone from a dire situation. And what is this for? This is for spin drift variety. Never fill up a fountain drink at the gas station or fast food joint and take a sip,

only to find out they're out of the syrup? That carbonated water taste that is about as bland as a rice cake? That's exactly what this tastes like. Except they added a new chemical aftertaste that causes each can to be nine calories. Those flavors on the front of the can mean nothing. It all tastes the same. And for $22, I could have gone local and just bought plain old seltzer water. If you're expecting sweet, this is nowhere near it.

It's bitter and bubbly. The only way I can finish this expensive box of crap is to pour a crystal light packet into each can. Oh my God. Listen, I know you're just like a you just work part time at this right aid, but I really kind of want my money back because I got these vape pods and it's just not giving me a buzz. And I'm trying to quit. And I know that that's kind of part of it. But I just kind of like it's not giving me a buzz no you know what um then it's actually working perfectly because there's no nicotine in it and so it's not going to give you that buzz that you're searching

for so let me see the box yep that's our nicotine free uh pineapple pod so that is actually working correctly and congratulations on you starting to kick that habit i know it's a long road thank you yeah it's hard it's just i did it's hard without the buzz and i just feel like i could i feel like you guys owe me money i do not think we owe you money because that is what you paid for um i know that within this uh mall complex that the panera down down the way has been giving people a hard time and giving them what they didn't pay for but this is absolutely what you paid for. Yeah, I know.

It's just hard because, and I hear you for sure. It is hard. No, it is. And thank you for listening, first of all. I know that this is the last thing you want to have to deal with. But basically, what happens, I don't know if you're understanding me correctly. I'll take a drag. Well, just hear me out.

I am. I take it the drag. No, just like for sure. I take the drag. I know what like for sure. I take the drag. I know what you're saying. And you don't feel the buzz? No. Well, have you ever inhaled something like a cigarette? I have.

I have. I tried it in college and I wasn't really crazy about it. I do to get it. I've been telling you that I get it. You basically take a drag from the vape thing. From the penicillin pod, yeah. Yeah, I know how you take a drag. And you take it into your lungs and basically it's absorbs through the lungs yeah lining i think and um but usually that hits me in

a certain way where i like get a little bit of a buzz it hits you that way because there's nicotine which is uh just let me finish because i'm i'm just trying to finish excuse me no i'm just trying to finish the the thought um i do all that and it doesn't give me the butt sorry one second that's exactly right no that's exactly right it doesn't give you the best because there's no nicotine in it and again I know you don't want to deal with this because you just work here part time and I'm sure you have another passion

that you're really passionate about and pursuing but my whole thing is that I basically I take the drag of the no I know what's happening I take it and you're not letting me finish because if I could finish the thought then we might be able to talk I am trying to talk to you because i know what you're saying you know but i'm wondering because there might be a twist at the end well i've already told you what it what it is and you're like yes but let me finish and so i i don't want to listen to this all day and i feel like i'm running out of patience because i'm gonna let you finish but

nicotine had one of the best pods of all time that's a kanye reference no i understood that as well i understood that so you're gonna that was just to lighten it up because I feel like we're both getting angry at each other. I don't understand what you want me to do because I'm – Yeah, I haven't even gotten to that part. You want me to give you money back for something that you paid for that's working correctly and helping you kick a habit that's really life-threatening. I take the vapor thing, the battery with the pod on it. The pineapple pod, yes. And then I take a drag.

It goes into my lungs and it doesn't hit and it doesn't give me that buzz. That's exactly what I've been telling you. And I paid for vapor pods, which historically have made me feel great and so what i'm wondering is that if i could get not only my money back but just kind of like a guarantee that uh it's going to be okay um i cannot give that to you i can give neither of those things to you because if you look on the box in giant red letters on the front of it of a black background it says nicotine free and so that would have been the first thing you saw when you picked up the box. So if you said you bought these before and felt something, I actually don't think that's chemically possible unless you were just

feeling really excited about you starting this journey of kicking this habit. And so that would have just been probably a psychosomatic symptom more than anything, more than the nicotine affecting you. And so I'm not going to give you your money back because this is what you paid for. I also cannot be the one to give you that validation because that's going to fade. You don't know me. My opinion shouldn't mean anything to you. No, I don't know you at all. But what I do know is that this is probably not the end of the road for you career wise. So I understand that this is frustrating to you to hear and like have me come up to the thing and just kind of complain because like otherwise it could have been a very chill day for you. And now I'm here and I'm making this big fuss. But

basically the entire thing is that the pods aren't kind of getting me anywhere. continue to say the same thing in different ways actually no not two different ways i am listening i told you exactly what was happening okay then i'm not listening like i was just gonna say you're not listening to me you're not listening to me and i think it's because of the nicotine addiction i think because your mind is so fixated on that that you actually can't take in anything that i'm saying and i know it's a very hard journey i have a lot of empathy for that but i think you are going to need to continue on that journey not in this right aid i know it's a very hard journey. I have a lot of empathy for that but I think you are going to need to continue on that journey not in this Rite Aid. No, it's hard because like I don't want to be here.

I totally understand. And I don't want to be wasting your time. I don't want you to be wasting my time either. I'm only wasting your time basically and hear me out on this. I'm only wasting your time if you keep cutting me off and not listening to what I'm saying.

I will let you completely talk. I will be quiet. So if anything I have said is what you're already going to say, then don't say it. Because then it'll show that you really

weren't listening. So I will sit back and listen to any new information that you want to share with me that is not about you taking the nicotine,

what you think are going to be these pods that are going to make you feel a buzz. But don't do that because they don't have nicotine in them.

Okay. Well, you know what? This whole thing has been a wash, but maybe I'll just get a pack of this nicotine gum. It's Trident. Because I've heard that sometimes that can help weaning off.

But it'll still give me the buzz in a way. Sure. Cuts the next day. Hey. No. You sold me magic beans. Get out. I know.

I know. All right. Should we do our last segment? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes last segment? Yes. Yes! Check it out! Trains.

Train travel. Train travel, I am... Trains! Trains, absolutely trains. If I could travel everywhere, like everywhere by train, I would. I fucking love trains. I love a train. I would rather travel somewhere and have two nights on a train

than get there in a couple hours by plane. I think they are so relaxing. I think it's a great way to see the sights I think there's just some I just really love them and we were talking about this yesterday because I saw a tweet

that was someone being like you know like if I could travel by train everywhere for the rest of my life that's how I would travel and I'm like oh my god I feel the same way I love a train and I show oh my god there's so many beautiful monarch butterflies outside my window right now wow um sorry that's incredible um so yesterday i showed jeff this tweet and jeff goes yeah i want to do my bachelor party on a train and he's like i think i do he's like maybe starting from new

york and going to san francisco and then he changed his mind and he goes, ah, maybe Chicago. And then very seriously was such a dead expression. He just goes, well, I mean, because it's like, it's about the American West, right?

It's like, it's about starting and ending in two of the most beautiful, iconic cities. And so then I was just imagining Jeff starting his bachelor party, being like, all right, like everyone's like Jocelyn run. Like,

yeah, Jeff, our boys time. And I'm like,ocelyn run like yeah our boy's time yeah yeah yeah no this is I'm so excited I love you all so much so happy to be here

and yeah it's gonna be booze and memories and you know some great talks and hikes but I just don't want it to get lost

that this is about the American West and it is about starting and ending in two of the most beautiful cities what's that this experience is about the American West.

It's not about me. It's about the American West. You met this woman and she's great, man. She's great for you, but we got to party, right? Isn't that what it's about? We can absolutely have a couple drinks on here. I expect that we will,

but I want to make sure that our priorities are clear and that this trip is about the American West everybody's just like noticeably bummed all right man yeah so I bought everyone a journal so as we're sitting in the observation cart which is a silent cart I want every like what would make me the happiest man in the world is for everyone to be journaling about what traveling through this vast and gorgeous country makes them feel. Yeah. And then you gave us all harmonicas.

None of us know how to play. Well, we do have activities. So there will be a different cart, which is not a silent cart. That will be where we have the harmonica lesson so that everyone can kind of play an American tune, as it were. Cut to later. You slash me are working on the harmonica, but it sounds really bad. One of my friends goes with my other friends. Well, we are stopping in Denver, so we could just kind of hop off.

What's that? Hey, man. Honestly, I think that shook me too. Really? Trains? I guess more of the conversation you and I had about trains because it was kind of funny. You could follow Riley on Instagram. Are you fucking kidding?

I don't know anything else. Hey, Jeff, here's, I have a question for you and answer totally honestly. Don't answer like you're trying to protect my feelings or anything. Like answer fully, fully honestly. When you said, oh, my bachelor party will be a train trip. Do you imagine me being there? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding?

Are you serious? I think so. Okay. No, but I mean, like, I didn't know if it was like, you want, oh, for the boys, or like, if I could also come. Here's the thing, right? I'm not getting married anytime soon. No, absolutely. I'm just saying it's like, as in this moment, if you're imagining that.

Oh, if I'm planning it this weekend, yeah, you're there. Okay. Are you? Because you're looking down at, you're like, fiddling with your nails. No, it's just. Looking down like you just got scolded by your dad. No, it's, I'm just like so excited to be able to like celebrate you and your marriage.

Well, the American West, let's be honest. Most of the American West. It's mostly Manifest Destiny, yeah. And then by the way, when we get to San Francisco, we will be mining for gold in some kind of LARPing scenario. And then we'll get, we'll become gold tycoons. Okay. Open up some kind of LARPing scenario. And then we'll become gold tycoons, open up some kind of condo complex. What is the timing of that?

Do you know, like, you're not really supposed to do your bachelor party that close to the wedding, right? I feel like in movies they always make it seem like it is, but I feel like I would do it in... In movies they always make it, like, the day before. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah. Or, like, two days before. That's insane. Which is crazy to me.

Showing up hungover to your own nuptials. Yeah. I feel like I would do it in, like, May or June and, you know, for a July or August wedding. You want to get married in the summer? I feel like that's when you get married. That's going to be so hot, Jeffrey. Well, you know, I don't know where I'll be, you know? Again, it's probably... I mean, I'm 23.

We're probably talking 10 years from now-ish. What if it's Hudson Valley? No, but it'll be great. Where do you, when would you get married during the year? Probably, like, I would say maybe September. Like, transitioning from summer into fall. So it's like, it's still warm enough where you could do like an outside thing, but it's not like hot. Yeah.

Or fall or straight up like October, November. No, yeah. It would be probably cheaper and easier to get a venue. Yeah. But the two best weddings I've been to were in July and August respectively. And it wasn't too bad. I'm going to a wedding next weekend.

First wedding since COVID is going to be outside. I'm so pumped. That's awesome. All right, Sri, thank some VI podcasts? Wait, you can follow Jeffrey on Instagram at Jeffrey James and on Twitter at JeffBoyRD and you can find our show

on Twitter at ReviewReviewShow and on Instagram at ReviewReview and on Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. And you can follow Riley on Instagram at RileyAnspa on Twitter at RileyCoyote. Special thanks to our VI podcasts.

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Please don't leave my address. Xander Madsen. Yarrow Bouchard. Yasmin David. So thank you guys all for subscribing at the highest tier. If you also want access to Zoom parties and live streams, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. Um,

and if you want your hoodie, DM spam, DM Jeff until he sends them out. Yeah, I need to send them out. It takes so long to do it, but yes. Um,

and we will see you guys again next Tuesday. Are we ready? Cheat. That was a hit gum original.