Review Revue - Sheets

Episode Date: January 11, 2022

Geoff and Reilly fittingly kick off the new year by reading reviews on sheets, hosting the hottest new game show, filing police reports, and trying wool out for size.      Follow at: IG: ...@reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjames Twitter: @reilecoyote & @GeoffBoyardee <><> Edited by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. I guess I'm gonna have to show them.
Starting point is 00:00:40 Slurping down that nog. Hard on the job. Turst my knob. Jerk me off. Get me off on Christmas Eve. Slurping down that nog, hard on the job, TURST MY NOB, JERK ME OFF, GET ME OFF ON CHRISTMAS EVE. Come on holiday, you can't give a thumb drive like that, You gotta get that shit wet first, you gotta prep them for shit like that, Bring that shit back, bring that shit the fuck back.
Starting point is 00:00:55 Wiper blades, wiper blades. We'll be right back. My name's Adam, let me be your Eve I'm gonna be Adam and Eve With the nog, I'm doing milk on the day That I mixed with eggs I did sweet cream with a ton of sugar And I did brown sugar with a ton of spices Cumin, coriander, savory spices That fucked up the nog, nobody liked it I don't know how to see
Starting point is 00:01:42 Which eggnog is right for me I don't know how to see which eggnog is right for me. I don't know how to see. I don't know how to see. I don't know how to see. I don't know how to see. What's wrong with you? Sorry? What's wrong with you that you did this?
Starting point is 00:02:03 Do you realize how jarring it is to get just a quick glimpse into your mind? The fact that you live with this is frightening, man. Not anymore. What the fuck was that? It's like, you know on TikTok, sometimes there are songs that are just a mashup of just fucking insane things. It was that that but to the nth degree mashup is even one thing like djs switch between songs seamlessly and it sounds cool that was a mashed potato mix that that was a that was a that that was hard that came in from Sabrina. Of course it did. And I really regret not listening to it before we started the show.
Starting point is 00:02:49 That wasn't good. That was so... I'm sorry to say that wasn't good. I mean, Sabrina, we got to have a talk. That was so difficult. That was like those drawings and graphs that they show to people to diagnose them with dementia, but made to be oral. Does that make sense? I guess. See, the song's already influencing me.
Starting point is 00:03:31 Jeffrey, it's all the song's already influencing me jeffrey it's 2022 it's 2020 you remember how um the last episode we recorded we're like where do you think we'll be where do we think we'll be um so the episode that came out last was on january 4th um and we were like oh I like what's gonna happen and one of us got COVID and the other one hasn't knock on wood yet yeah one of us got COVID for the second time yes so I'm yeah in the words of Nori Reid I'm a Delta alum and an Omicron alum um it's how are you doing i i you don't want to get it but omicron's so much less bad than delta uh so if you do get it you're you'll be fine i had a scratchy throat for three days that was it that was just so like that was just so insane. That was so insane that that happened. Oh, that I got Omicron? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:30 Well, just the timing of it, of us being like, wonder where we'll be. And then the next day, I find out through Discord or through Twitter that you have it again. Yeah, I got like a lot of texts from people saying, are you okay? And that's why I didn't text anybody because I was totally fine. I didn't want anybody to worry, but then obviously I'm going to milk it for comedic value. And then people saw that and like eight people texted me,
Starting point is 00:04:50 which I appreciated. But it's not really, you know, they say variant of concern. I was not too concerned. Well, I'm glad you're okay. Yeah. Happy New Year.
Starting point is 00:05:02 Oh, wait, really quick. New Year, New Year baby. Speaking of Discord, year new year baby speaking of discord speaking of patreon speaking of our patron daddy tuesday night michael eback michael eback congratulations on your literal new year baby he had a kid and i i want him to keep him hid. Hide your kid, hide your fife. All right. Well, congratulations on your baby. That was really swinging into the,
Starting point is 00:05:31 you had a big swing into the new year. It's a bummer because now New Year's Day becomes like all about the little runt. You know, like suddenly. Why is it a bummer? Are you talking about a bummer for you? Is that unfortunate for you? No, as a dad, like to have Why is it a bummer? Are you talking about a bummer for you? Is that unfortunate for you? No, as a dad, like to have to celebrate your kid's birthday when you would rather just be like in bed after New Year's Eve.
Starting point is 00:05:52 It's just kind of sour. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's different. I think having a kid you experience a kind of love that like you'd never felt possible. And so any day that you can remember, like, wow, this is the day that you came into the world. And now you're another year older, another year wiser. You're growing. You're you came into the world. And now you're another year older, another year wiser. You're growing. You're really coming into your own.
Starting point is 00:06:07 And how can I just like lift you up and celebrate the day that you came to be? And I think that's like, I think that once you have a good, I don't know, I'm not a parent, but it's like, but I think it's apparent. Yeah, I think it's apparent that that that day will change because right now, of course, you being childless, of course, you want to stay in bed, nurse, a hangover, like whatever. So obviously, once you actually have a kind of responsibility for taking care of another human life, one that you you cannot imagine loving anything more than you'll be like, oh, I'll buy you a cake. And that won't be hard for me to do on the day. Yeah. Oh, I got it. i got it i got it um sheets yeah sheets
Starting point is 00:06:52 we're starting the new year with sheets our swing sets and sheets swing sets and sheets oh yeah our so our last recorded episode was swing sets our first recorded episode today january 6th the anniversary of the insurrection of the capital we're talking about sheets yeah what are we doing we're talking about cotton cotton tom or otherwise i love sheets i Oh, there is no better feeling than getting into bed after you've done laundry, cleaned that bedding, those crisp, soft, clean sheets. It is. It is truly. It takes me to another plane. Do you sleep with a top sheet?
Starting point is 00:07:40 Do you have a top sheet or is it just. No. You're crazy for that. Top sheets are disgusting no i love top sheets they were created by the sheet industry the sheet lobbyists who'd said you know what you could use another one of another sheet in between you and the duvet it makes no sense no it's for a hot night but you want something just like a little bit covering you top sheet if your duvet cover is a little bit covering you, top sheet.
Starting point is 00:08:08 If your duvet cover is a little scratchy, like I have a linen duvet cover. I don't want that on my body. I have a linen duvet. Top sheet. I love the scratchiness. No, that's psychotic. No, because when you're tossing and turning as one is wont to do all night, and then the top sheet gets- Not everyone tosses and turns all night.
Starting point is 00:08:21 Well, I rest fitfully. The top sheet scrunches down by your ankles and it's disgusting to feel it's absolutely disgusting it's disgusting kidding me fucking jerk off it's disgusting when i've slept over people's houses and they have top sheets i that's a deal breaker no it's incredible Daniel used to not have a top sheet and then good man good no then we started dating can we get Daniel in here I want to hear his thoughts on
Starting point is 00:08:54 Daniel comes back from Chicago tomorrow damn it I know all right but he did have a transformation I'll talk to him about it maybe he can come on next pod and and we can have a little follow-up pop about it sheets to the next week sheets sheets
Starting point is 00:09:10 sheets sheets 3 sheets 4 but he used to not have one and then we started dating and then he's like oh this is great and now he loves it he fully made the transition to being a top sheet guy well also we share a bed and I love a top sheet but he was doing that anyway.
Starting point is 00:09:28 I love it. So I, if I, last night, for example, I woke up this morning, I woke up and the side of the bed, Daniel's side of the bed, like none of the sheets, like nothing had moved over there. Like everything was crisp. I'm like, oh, I really slept in the same position um or like i really just stuck to my side of the bed because i love sleeping on like right on the edge of the bed um why i don't sleep wrong top sheet no no but listen you don't like a scratchy doobie and you're falling off the bed when you have the
Starting point is 00:10:00 entire thing to yourself i know if that's wild to me but um if i'm not like sleeping like like fully just like a rock like not moving then i kick in my sleep sometimes and so i will find that in the middle of the night i will kick kick kick kick kick until the duvet and the top sheet are are down kind of like at the base of my um shins so just my feet are covered by everything and for me that's perfect because i sleep in like you're describing the activities of a psychopath i'll sleep in like sweats and a shirt and so it's like just to have my feet covered oh it's so good i don't start the night out like that that's not what i'm taking issue with is that you are any point of the night have the top sheet and the duvet bunched up just around your ankles and the rest is exposed
Starting point is 00:10:57 don't you feel like you could be killed that's why i like a heavy duvet no top sheet extra security extra safety for me no so by that logic you only have one layer of protection instead of two yeah but at least it's on my body and it feels like a guard no now who sounds like a psychopath i said to feel comfy you make sure that your body's protected by a claw chain mail made of yeah. Let's get into it. All right. Or should we take a break? No. Let's do one.
Starting point is 00:11:31 Let's do one. This is a one-star review. I'm just going to use their full name because it does kind of tie into the review. You can't use their full name. Who cares? They posted this in public. It's not a private email. This is Summer Fitzgerald
Starting point is 00:11:45 from where like what what is this for Luxe Club six piece bamboo sheets deep pockets 18 inch wrinkle free machine washable hotel bedding Amazon kiss your mother with that mouth
Starting point is 00:12:01 what's that nothing no let's sit in it You kiss your mother with that mouth. What's that? Nothing. No, that's it. One star. There is cheap, shiny, crispy, crinkly piping on the edge of the sheet, which feels very not classy. Like plastic paper. Cheapest detail that I'd prefer they didn't add at all the fabric was advertised as a bamboo blend but the actual fabric is 100% microfiber
Starting point is 00:12:30 the seams are puckered these are completely awful but yes they are soft if that's what you want I personally can't stand microfiber it's tacky tacky tacky, tacky, tacky. Summer Fitzgerald. Why does it sound like the wordiest thing I've ever heard in my life? And then ends with it being like an angry school teacher
Starting point is 00:13:00 in a storybook. Yeah, finger wabbing, wagging. Tacky, like naughty, naughty. Tacky, tacky, tack tacky to the dunce corner with you welcome back to tacky or nah nbc's newest game show hosted by summer fitzgerald Welcome, welcome, welcome Everybody now keep it down Wagging the finger Keep it down, keep it down
Starting point is 00:13:32 We're here to talk about all things ticky tacky tacky And now I would like to welcome our sweet wee little scrumdiddlyumptious guests Jerome, Michael, and Sarah. Everyone stop it. Keep it down now or I'll come up there and I'll shut you up myself. They're all like half the audience is wearing t-shirts that say keep it down now with a finger wagging. Hi, I'm Jerome. I'm Michael. And i'm the third person
Starting point is 00:14:07 what was what did you say my name because you didn't yeah that's not that's not my name what is your what is your well what is your wiggly little name oh uh yeah my name is zelda zelda okay jerome michael zara zelda zelda not sarah it's zel Now today, I'm gonna be asking all three of you what your bedrooms look like. And as we all know, I will be the sole harbinger of taste on Tacky Tacky Tacky. Now, Jerome, describe with words what your home bedroom looks like.
Starting point is 00:14:42 Well, it's Egyptian cotton sheets, full-size bed, because that's all that can fit, and I have a couple movie posters. I'm going to get them framed eventually. And there it is! And there it is! Tacky, tacky, tacky! Unframed posters riddling the walls
Starting point is 00:15:03 on your tiny itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini itsy bitsy spider came down the water spout and onto your horrible tacky little walls. Jerome yeah Jerome you're a tacky tacky tacky
Starting point is 00:15:20 for that. Time to wear the tacky tippy top hat. What is this? They put a really tacky top hat on him. Oh my god. I'm still getting paid though, right? This is like $10,000. You have to now pay me
Starting point is 00:15:35 $250. That's the tacky tax. Alright, while you sort out your funds, Michael, describe your bedroom, please. Well, let's see. Waterbed. And there it is.
Starting point is 00:15:51 Riddling ding. Now, Jerome, if you could please pass off the pretty little tippy tacky top hat to Michael. And Michael, because you got tippy top hat. I don't like this. On the first word, you have to pay me triple the techie tax. I don't have $750 with me. Well, you need to figure that out. You could wire it to me.
Starting point is 00:16:15 I also take Venmo or Cash App. Now. Oh, fine. He takes out his phone, stays on stage. It all comes Zelda down to you. Everybody cracks up. The fuck? Keep it down, keep it down.
Starting point is 00:16:31 Keep it down. They all say it back to you. I'm not joking. They all repeat it again. I'm not joking. All right, enough of them. Now Zelda, I think you know the rules, Zelda, by now. Describe your bedroom carefully.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Well, I mean, I'm a little nervous now, but I have a pretty simple birch platform bed, white linen sheets, a couple of vintage exhibition posters from Bauhaus Design Haus in Germany or something. Framed? Yeah, framed. They're pretty simple frames
Starting point is 00:17:14 but very clean, very crisp. And, you know, try to always keep a candle going. What kind of candle, Zelda? Well, you know, I was doing boy smells for a while, but that got expensive, so I just started doing Yankee candles. And there it is! Tucky! Tucky! Tucky! What is the show? What is the show?
Starting point is 00:17:38 Keep it down now! Keep it down! Keep it down now! This is crazy! I thought I was supposed to get ten thousand dollars for this by the way it's it's jerome talking okay and so i it was advertised online on the casting website as come on the show describe your bedroom get ten thousand dollars not only am i out two hundred fifty dollars but i also had to wear basically a dunce cap and i don't appreciate it you only had to wear it for about a moment jerome michael is the one with the tippy tacky top hat right now yeah and it doesn't feel too good michael now you do need
Starting point is 00:18:16 to pass it off to zelda because zelda uses yankee candles and as we all know, turns the audience, holds out her arms. Those are tacky. Those are tacky. Tacky. Tacky. Now, if everyone wants to settle up their cash with me, we can do it on air. We can do it off. I really don't care which. I'm going to meet my fiance at the Panera across the street in five minutes. So whatever is the fastest.
Starting point is 00:18:42 Isn't Panera kind of tacky? No. Well well it depends no no no no the whole place chanting they put the dunce cap on you no no no she melts this is insane that they picked up this show. This was live. The host video. Tune in tomorrow for another daily episode of Dacky, Dacky, Dacky. With your host, Summer Fitzgerald. A graphic of a waving finger. That's the most insane game show we've ever come up with
Starting point is 00:19:26 uh all right let's take a break and we'll be right back with a couple more reviews of well sheets oh well sheets and we're back right and we're tacky tacky tacky and we're backy backy backy we're e-backy backy backy okay this is a review for mayfair Linen Thread Cotton Sheets. Holy shit. Actually, this is insane. So it's from, it's from, okay. Walter C. Jr. Walter Sight Jr.
Starting point is 00:20:18 Walter Sight Jr. It's a one star and the title is tacky? Why? Wow. That's wild. Okay. One star, the title is tacky. Why? Wow. That's wild. OK, one star. The title is tacky. Why?
Starting point is 00:20:29 And there's a photo that goes along with it. I'll explain it after I read the review. Had now for a couple of weeks, girlfriend went to wash sheets and noticed something weird on sheet. Not really sure why this is written on our sheets and would really want to get a new sheet set, please. Very tacky now i don't think that tacky is the right word to describe what i'm about to show you um it's not so much tacky in my mind as it is um ominous and chilling so i sent it in the zoo oh so it's it's just it just kind of it's a gray sheet it's like a slate dark gray sheet and it's like yeah ow it's yellow um almost looks like
Starting point is 00:21:18 marker or like crayon like an oil pastel written. I mean, I'm sure it's just like the shipping number and like the serial number for the sheep. Yeah. But it looks like it could be like a cry for help or like a murder mystery or something. But I love that they're like, this is tacky.
Starting point is 00:21:40 And that's not the right description. That's not what it is. No, not at all. That's not what it is no not at all all right thank you so much for coming down to the station i know you've had a pretty tough night um yeah you know no one should ever have to see the things that you have seen uh it was awful michael and so right we really really appreciate you you recounting everything. There's a couple of details that the team and I would just really, really love to get some clarification on. You said that when you were leaving the apartment, that on the wall closest to the kitchen, you saw handwriting in blood. Now, could you please describe what exactly you saw one more time just just so we
Starting point is 00:22:26 have it clear yeah well it was pretty chewy just in terms of like you know it reminded me of like my aunt's house she just has a bunch of signs with a bunch of like sayings on it and so to see words on the wall i was like holy shit yes i right but okay um sorry this is just kind of hard for me to like relive i've already told you my testimony and now you're making me do it again it's just i i am happy to do it just please bear with me because i'm a little shaken of course of of course i'm i'm so sorry i can't i can't even imagine to to see five of your best friends murdered um and sacrificed right before your very eyes um by your elementary school teacher is is something that no one should ever have to deal with yeah and thank god you're
Starting point is 00:23:11 safe thank god you made it out alive but again we really um because you kind of mumbled the last time like you know of course you were shaken up it was some words got mixed around we would love to know what the writing on the wall said. Not necessarily how, um, uh, choogy it was. It's, it's hard because the phrase was just so lyrical. It was, the end is nigh, you're next. And then it was home address. Oh my god. I'm so sorry.
Starting point is 00:23:51 And you know that we have certain standards to keep you safe. It was poetic. It was poetic. I mean, it chilled me to my core of course i mean seeing your next and your home address written in blood at a murder scene of course would chill you to your core so if you want we can get you in the witness protection program right now we can um move you to a safer location i might be interested i have some questions about that absolutely how salty is it the uh the program would you say it's salty i don't know what that means
Starting point is 00:24:32 okay it's very safe it's airtight we've never had anyone um come into any danger from being in this program. Is it fun? It, again, all I can assure is your safety. Whatever your life is, you make the most of that. You can choose to have fun if you want. I don't, I think the witness production program isn't, it wouldn't be described as fun. No. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:08 Because you have to kind of do a whole new identity and stuff and move probably. So, I mean, if that's fun for you, that's great. As long as we're keeping you safe. That's our main concern. Safe or wretched? No, well, I've said the word safe many times in this conversation. And so, I don't know if you've been tuning me out, but no, the word I used to describe this was not wretched. I have repeated.
Starting point is 00:25:29 Yeah. Why would you think it's wretched? Well, just because you said that it's about, you know, being protected. And to me, I sort of associate that with wretched. Look, I understand that after an event like this um everything can get a bit mixed around everything can get a little bit messed up up is down left is right safe up is down up is down no i'm afraid not but you know what it's okay we are gonna get you the help you need and um here's my card as always if you if you have any other questions or if anything
Starting point is 00:26:05 else comes to mind um about where you think the killer might be going next um any potential targets other than yourself again we will get you in the program please please reach out and let us know i actually the killer did leave a note about describing the place that well the note said exactly where the killer was going oh my god I can describe it to you please that would be unbelievable oh my god I can't believe it yes yes please as best you can uh it's
Starting point is 00:26:33 sunny sunny it's high up sorry is this verbatim is this the note or Is this the note? The note just said the place that they were going. I'm describing that place to you. No, could you please, to the best of your memory,
Starting point is 00:26:52 could you actually tell us the place? It was a middle ground between two places. This is not helpful. Do you have the exact address, yes or no? Yes or no question. Do you know the exact address? Sunny, high up, middle ground. That's nothing. Do you have the exact address? Yes or no? Yes or no question. Do you know the exact address? Sunny, high up, middle ground.
Starting point is 00:27:06 That's nothing. Do you have the address? It's a yes or no. Just yes or no. Do you know the exact address? I do have the address. Great. Can you just write that down, please?
Starting point is 00:27:13 You don't even have to say it. Just write it down. Here's a pen. Write it down. That's not helpful. Write down. I'm forcing a pen in your hand. Write down the address.
Starting point is 00:27:21 Write down the address. It's hard because I'm scared. Of course. Of course you are. Of course. But you could save so many lives. Sunny, high up. No.
Starting point is 00:27:33 Industrial, a middle ground between two places. Hey, chief. I think I might know the place that he's talking about. Oh, come on, Alexander. No, he's saying sunny high up sunny high up middle ground industrial i know exactly the place come on let's get in the car i'll take you there
Starting point is 00:27:52 there's no way you could possibly cut to they pull up right outside the place this is it. It's raining. It's below sea level. It's unbelievably suburban. And it's like right in the center of town. Not in between anywhere. We're watching like a whole SWAT team invade it and take out the murderer. See? My description was perfect. How? How? How would you like a job on the force
Starting point is 00:28:29 I would not like it sounds bad alright should we do one more review yeah yeah this is from LL Bean Jeff I'm gonna text you a photo of the sheets.
Starting point is 00:28:47 I've never seen a sheet design like this. Never in my life. And I've seen a lot of like team sheet designs. Oh my God. So it's white with a bunch of sweaters and beanies. This is L.L. Bean. It's actually kind of cool, but it is bizarre. It's for the Sarah Fitz sweater print set.
Starting point is 00:29:14 So it's a white background with knit sweaters and hats as the print of the flannel sheets are sweaters and hats. The hats do say Lb not harry potter not like knitwear signs oh my god the hats do say lb it's not like ponies not marvel they're just sweaters it's five stars the title there's no name so je Jeff, do you want to give a name? Let's do Staircase. Staircase. Okay. Five stars. Title is Adorable Winter Theme. I don't
Starting point is 00:29:54 put flannel sheets on our bed until the first frost, but that didn't stop me from buying this adorable set in July. As a knitter, I've come to appreciate the Fair Isle theme, and as soon as I saw this pattern I had to have it I know from experience that L.L. Bean sells high
Starting point is 00:30:10 quality flannel sheets so I won't be disappointed it's as a knitter it's like to take up a new hobby well I knit things there are sweaters in that that's my new thing now I have to have it it's all knitting all the time.
Starting point is 00:30:26 It's all about me. I can dream about knitting. I sleep. I think about knitting. I wake up. I knit. I go. I'm in the shower.
Starting point is 00:30:38 I'm thinking about knitting. Sometimes I do knit in the shower. That's cool. Sorry, I can keep going. I just took a pause to take a drink yeah I thought it would be a quick sip by the way that you were holding the glass and then it just like you really well because even then I was so busy I was thinking about knitting you know when you start a new hobby you get into something it's like and it's just you want to do it all the time like that's why no I ever felt that way I felt that way i don't know if i've ever done it in the shower you've ever well you've ever thought about like doing doesn't the wool get
Starting point is 00:31:14 wet or yeah yeah the wool gets wet got it are you good at it am i good at knitting gosh well that's a tough question i mean it's like got it um listen i i gotta say patrice our first date was unbelievable i never really believed let me finish i never really believed in love at first sight until that night and uh but then you went away for a week you went home and then you came back with this obsession with knitting. And I'm sorry to say this, but you seem a little one-dimensional now. One-dimensional. Our first date, we talked about our histories, our dreams, our goals, our everything that makes us...
Starting point is 00:32:00 What? What? You just listed over five different topics of conversation. Tonight, from the moment we sat down, you haven't been able to stop talking about shetland wool okay well aren't people supposed to talk about the things that they're interested in i mean like when i'm looking for qualities in a partner it's like oh i want to be able to support their interests and i hope they support my knitting i so just that again. How was your trip? Why you haven't talked to me about that at all?
Starting point is 00:32:27 You went home to see your family for the first time in a while. It was incredible. Do you know the amount of craft stores in a five mile radius? One half one fragment. You were able to make it through without talking about knitting. And then you finished out the sentence by talking about craft stores, which I assume ties back to knitting. Sorry to say tie. No way. No, it's all we're all joking we're having fun well that's it's like we have fun together right like we've been having no you know what you're right you're right i'm
Starting point is 00:32:55 sorry i'm being a little harsh i think i just had like a rough day at work um well talk to me about that so you let me talk about knitting and i'm fully here i'm fully present i will not talk about knitting you tell me about your day go okay well as you know i work at a guitar repair store um and there was just like a lot of guitars that needed to go out today and yeah you're crocheting i know i'm not no i'm i can hear it under the table i'm listening intently keep going please you're holding eye contact with me but i can tell that you're focusing on something else and i can hear the click clack of the crochet right rough work was rough let's just say that sorry i just i do feel like i've judged you too harshly why don't we just go back to my place we can have a drink listen to some records just see
Starting point is 00:33:41 where the night takes us cut to them having sex he takes. He's taking out a condom to put it on. You grab his arm. What? Don't you want me to use a condom? No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm laughing because I'm giddy because I can't believe we're finally here
Starting point is 00:33:59 and I finally get to do this. Are you allergic to latex? Is that the issue? Maybe. That's a different point of discussion, but it actually wasn't what spurred this on. It's just a happy coincidence. Okay.
Starting point is 00:34:15 I pull out from under the pillow. No way. Crocheted condom. It's not going to work. It's not going to work, and it's going to hurt a lot, obviously. obviously just try it you never know unless you try cut to right after they both like are panting arms but like linked behind their heads on the pillow smoking cigarettes wow shetland shetland wool it's the shit as soon as you like initiated that i'm like no fucking way
Starting point is 00:34:58 what oh my god wow we ended the year with Kit Kats and cheese fucking we're starting the year with Shetland wool knitted condoms so wandoms uh should we do our last segment
Starting point is 00:35:19 yeah this shook me all week long mine's quick it's painless depending on your music taste it's the song in the end by the like i mean i can't stop listening to the shit man fuck it didn't pass the riley cool test well i've never heard of it so for me it's not cool unless i've heard of it and i've always said that shit um when when did you first hear it so i've liked the band the like for like about a year because i got into them via the young veins which is maybe one of my favorite bands of all time they're like a 60s girl group
Starting point is 00:36:06 indie pop rock band with Zberg and I only knew their most famous songs and then I was like let me listen to their deep cuts on their one album and I listened to this one and I was like this is the best one it's pretty fire it's very summery it's very driving summery
Starting point is 00:36:22 but it's I like listening to summery music in the winter because it kind of brings me to that place and then in the summer I like to listen to like wintry autumnal Ella Fitzgerald Billie Holiday it kind of transports me to another world
Starting point is 00:36:38 you're never where you want to be I'm never satisfied I will never be satisfied I'm in New York i'm loving it but i can't wait to get back to la and the minute i get back to la i'm gonna want to go back to new york yeah yeah of course i was talking to marty yesterday we were talking about you being in new york and marty's like he went at the worst possible time he's from cleveland you should know better i'm like well yeah and he's like and why did he go now i'm like because he's impulsive
Starting point is 00:37:03 and then he's like he's gonna move there i'm like well no because he's there and he wants to be here and as soon as he gets as soon as he gets back here he's gonna want to be there and he's like yeah yeah listen i need to be tri-coastal as in trying to be bi-coastal god what shook me glad you asked wordle it's the trend that's taken over the globe it's the trend that's paying dividends that i mean i woke up and on twitter suddenly everyone is posting tweets about how they're solving the wordle puzzle and i posted one as well this morning and this is what it looks like i saw it i didn't know what it is if you don't know what wordle is everyone go look up wordle right now daniel showed it to elizabeth and i basically it's a daily word game so you have um you have six uh six rows of five like squares and so basically
Starting point is 00:38:00 each day there's a new word that you have to guess. And it's always a five letter word and you have six tries to guess the word, no hints. So like you put in, how does that relate to it? What you tweeted? Because so on the, like on the website, on the word of website. So if I tried, uh, for example, so this, this won't matter. I can tell you what it is because, um, it will, this won't matter when this comes out. So the word today, today's word was banal. But so what happens is like you put, you try a word out. So I want to try one with like a couple of different vowels, a couple of different consonants, like just trying things. So if, so my first word I tried was plead, P-L-E-A-D. And certain letters will light up. If it's yellow, if one of the letters is yellow,
Starting point is 00:38:45 that means that the letter is in the word of the day, but it's in the wrong spot. If it's green, it means it is in the word and it's in the right spot. And if it's black, then it means it's not even in the word at all. So I it took me five tries to get it today. Oh, my God. I went plead, carrot, C-A-R--r-a-t salad halal and then finally ended up at banal damn but yesterday i got it on the second try the word was tiger but i started with the word deity oh my god i was really proud of that so basically on twitter now every the things people are posting like the different colored boxes are like their it's like a way to like share what they got to without spoiling it for everyone who's still getting the word so i posted this on twitter
Starting point is 00:39:31 today of like these different boxes and like that so it is so fun i love it because i'm just like such like a word game nerd i love doing like the the new york times like mini daily cross puzzles i do too so do you think it's more fun than that? Or it's just different because it's, it's not, it's like anagrams in a way, but you have no clues and no context. And which app do you have of it?
Starting point is 00:39:55 Literally? It's not an app. It's a website. Okay. Um, so start tomorrow because now you already know the word for today, but no, I think I might use it as a confidence boost.
Starting point is 00:40:08 Got on my first try. Got on my first try. I just got on my first try. I got on my first try. What was the word? I don't know. It's just easy. Patron Daniel Clough.
Starting point is 00:40:14 He guessed it. He went from, um, he actually, he responded to the tweet. He went, he, he got two, he did on his third try, but the first two guesses, none of the letters were in the word. And on the third guess, he got two he did on a third try but the first two guesses none of the letters were in the word and on the third guess he got insane and he's like that's what he said on today's i got the post i said which is in a way more impressive than getting it first try and i think that is 100 more impressive because you have nothing to go off of yeah um so it is very fun last night i did it while i was like half asleep at like one in the morning as I was going to bed because I'm like, oh, the new word's out. I want to try it.
Starting point is 00:40:47 But then I'm like, oh, oh no. Because I was so tired. I'm like, I'm already on guest three out of six. Like, fuck. I was so nervous I wasn't going to get it. Yeah, that game is amazing. And I'm so mad that I did it so late in the night, early in the morning because now I have to wait a full day for it to come out.
Starting point is 00:41:05 Oh, it's not even the day, the calendar day. It's a 24 hour. It's 24 hour thing. That's kind of annoying. Yeah. So Wordle. Wordle. Should we think some V.I.
Starting point is 00:41:18 podcasts? Let me pull it up. No, like it's fun because we hang out with them it is really crazy this is very sappy and very emotional but actually not even very sappy it's a crazy thing that happened but it was very it was like really surreal
Starting point is 00:41:36 Michael shared about having his baby on the discord with the patrons and like but it also seemed like in another like in an up in another world we wouldn't give a shit about this random guy uh having a kid but instead we have a friendship yeah it's just it's like i just really love our community it's it's really cool like i told my mom i'm like i'm like one of my friends had a baby and we're friends because we're all in a group chat and we Zoom once a month.
Starting point is 00:42:06 Yeah. And like Nolan moved to L.A. like he and I have hung out a couple of times. It's fun. It's so wild. OK, should we take some? All right, guys, new names for the new year. Here we go. Let's see how you did. Underscore Christian side eggs for chastity. Aaron. Agent Michael Skarn. Aggie. underscore christian side hugs for chastity aaron agent michael skarn aggie a co is standing in the back alley and a leather jacket smoking a fucking cig devastatingly cool alex witt and now a patron who needs no introduction so moving on at the first night of into the mist i wore a vest Then a week later you did an episode on vests. Don't think I forgot, Anspa. Austin, not like Texas TV aka buttbuttfart
Starting point is 00:42:50 on Finsta. Huh. I'm still subscribed so I guess I'm a VIPodcut of sorts in a way. Bob Buell's the name. Buelling is his game. Brad Donaldson. Cameron is riding high and biting his thighs and he's feeling just pretty Chuck
Starting point is 00:43:08 Congrats to Lil Bob Bill Jr. Tuesday night for being Born Daddy Tuesday night is truly Daddy status now Daniel Danny Phantom Cluff Fancy Octopus Flubber yeah I'm really the green little fucker
Starting point is 00:43:24 From the movie. For lack of a better beef, corned. Freya. Frito Pray Love. Gail's brother got her a Patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff subscription for Hanukkah.
Starting point is 00:43:39 So thanks all over for your sweet, sweet cash. New patron. New patron, welcome. Good morning and look at the valedictorian. Scared the future while I hop in the DeLorean. That's pretty good. Gray the region commander cool. That was dope as fuck.
Starting point is 00:43:59 Greg Berg's seven days of future past. Hey Jeff, could you please have anyone on Hey Riddle Riddle on the HeadGum podcast, please? I literally only subscribe to Force, Jeffery, and Riley to say trans rights, XOXO. I write reviews, not tragedies. That's really good. I love it. Jake Ullman. Jameson Ponsia is a sleepity darling. Sleepity.
Starting point is 00:44:20 Jesse Tipton. JP again. To Zardy or not Tazardi? Is that even a question? Julia Louis-Dreyfus. So it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but she's in need of some moisturizer. Caleb is pondering whether the luster is just a social construct used to enforce the patriarchy. Casper.
Starting point is 00:44:39 New patron, I think. Not since we last recorded. Lauren Malang. And you hate to say this, but Lil' Dumb. Lord Hunter the Ordained. Maggie. Malik. Mark Priest.
Starting point is 00:44:56 Michael Begel. Mo, what's the crafty situation looking like? And what's the crafty looking like there? Mona Morakel's TikTok. Tell your friends. I'm TikTok. Mushu Lasagna knows what Jeff did and it's going to tell the world. My hoodie has finally arrived.
Starting point is 00:45:13 I can forgo my plans to kidnap Jeff and chain him in my basement. Nate Porteous got boosted boosted. That's when you get a shot of Moderna while in a high chair. Nolan Murphy is thinking about becoming a Michelin star chef on the weekends. Not possible. You have to dedicate your entire life Michelin star chef on the weekends. Not possible. You have to dedicate your entire life to it. Oh, what a chance
Starting point is 00:45:28 with somebody. How I, how I remember G, somebody. Orange, you're glad it isn't Hallie. God damn it. Period blood coffee.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Phoebe. Quack. Riley Puff. Robert Fridge. Sarah Kildiff. Sorry. Kwok. Riley Puff. Robert Fridge. Sarah Kildiff. Sorry. Hold on. Sarasm.
Starting point is 00:45:54 Vikvid. Tyfer. Slicky Ricky is happy and healthy in Sydney. Love you guys. So let me get this straight. I pay $30 a month and you say whatever I want? That's interesting. The early bird gets the firm.
Starting point is 00:46:09 That bird is on his grind and he will land the account. TJ Michael. Widow Evan Wark Wemwer. www.jeffreyjameses.com was taken.com was taken.com. Yara Bouchard. Yasmeen David. Wow. New names made it hard to say. I mean, listen, they were all very good, but it took a lot longer than I thought. Notmeen David. Wow. New names made it hard to say.
Starting point is 00:46:25 I mean, listen, they were all very good, but it took a lot longer than I thought. Not all of them. Not all of them. Some of them need updating. I've been there for a while. That's my challenge to y'all. Thank you so much for subscribing. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:39 Patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. If you want to join the next Zardy in the next couple weeks. Could be huge. Could be huge Larry or Otherwise uh but we'll See you guys again next week Arrivederci wait wait wait but before we go you can actually If this is the only place you've
Starting point is 00:46:54 Ever heard of Jeff you can actually find out more About him on Instagram At Jeffrey James And they listened Past the Patreon and they've never Heard of us And you can find more about the show this is like if you just happen to come across this show and you're like what i need to
Starting point is 00:47:10 find more of this in the new year new year new pod go go just like literally like reddit r slash review review we're on instagram at review review on twitter at view review show and and guys if you want to leave us some reviews some five-star reviews on apple podcasts it'll clear your spotify i think spotify can do reviews now i might be wrong writing a review for your review a five-star review will clear your skin it will um help you achieve every single one of your goals um it'll get you a raise at your job we can't promise any of this i can't obviously we can't anyway at riley and spawn instagram at riley coyote on twitter and we'll see you guys again next week thanks for listening to this episode of review review arriveder
Starting point is 00:47:56 there's this show called the go big show and it's this guy just torturing his balls on national television. Why does it sound like the building is being torn down behind you? It is. That was a HitThumb original.

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