Review Revue - Subway (w/ EJ Marcus!)

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

Comedian EJ Marcus joins Reilly and Alfred as they check into a hospital, get a little wild and wacky, say some naughty words at work, and read exemplary reviews on SUBWAY.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original.

Got a blast. From Riley and Jeff They're finding things on Yelp Improving with a knack for invention With Jeff's dump truck behind And Riley's fostered canines Rescue the seas from shore destruction, this is the theme song of Review Review. That brought me back. That brought me back.

Wow. That was from Trevor D. It was a little jimmy neutron theme uh and yes that was from november 24th 2021 um okay so a recent one so ej what you'll find is that since the hosts have transferred over we have a lot of theme songs we haven't used and they are about me and jeffrey james um who is no longer here and so it's been a really fun process to see Alph's face during all these songs about oh Riley and Jeff are the best

they're so great together I'm holding out hope that someone's gonna send one about me someday oh yeah I mean it's a matter of time right well I actually can I this might weird, but can I play something? This is so crazy.

I came super prepared. I have several. Oh, awesome. If you're like, oh, who's that angelic voice? Who's that incredible, incredible guest? I already see his name in the title. So it's not a surprise. I always think it's so funny when hosts are like, you'll have no idea who's with us today.

You guys are going to love the surprise we got set up for you if you've ever laughed before it's probably because um our special guest today made you laugh we have ej marcus here ej i'm so just nerding out i fucking love you i'll say it i love you i love you. I'll say it. I love you. I love you. Is that crazy? No, it's not. It's not. It's not. We're so happy to have you here. How the hell are you? Oh, man. I'm awesome. I'm feeling great. I mentioned before that I'm moving, so I'm like sitting among a sea of boxes, you know. When are you moving? when's the big day soon soon yeah that's exciting though we my boyfriend i just moved into our place in

september but because then like holiday travel we'd have nothing on the walls we've barely fully unpacked so it is uh i'm with you it a long time. I feel like there's even like, and leading up to the move to like for the past couple months, I feel like we've known we're moving. So it's this kind of like, well, don't, you know, put that up yet. Like keeping the bar, you know, we're not going to make anything look better. So it's like been looking bad for a while that was worse. And then it's going to look look bad for it's like sort of a perfect situation it's it's incredible i moved i moved in october and the apartment that i was in before i moved uh i was in for two years and uh because of that exact mentality that ej was describing i never hung anything on the walls i lived in the apartment for two years for two years

and you didn't hang anything. Specifically in my room. We hung a lot in the living room, the communal spaces, there was art on the walls. But my room specifically looked very sort of Spartan and scary. Because I just was like, I'm gonna move eventually. I don't want to have to like hammer anything or like do

stuff. So, but I, like the first week that I moved into this apartment i hung stuff on the wall because i was like you move next month i can't have you're gone i can't have that happen again uh i will be moving soon but that's okay um alf can you turn up your input volume on zoom am i quiet yeah am i am i too loud now no that. That's perfect. Why didn't you say anything earlier? Because I didn't want to interrupt you. Why did you embarrass me?

It's not hard. You waited until we were already recording and the guest was here to fucking embarrass me on purpose. Sorry that you have to see this. Oh, it's okay. I mean, I feel like you guys are being super authentic do you want me to be embarrassing no this is embarrassing that would be really helpful oh unless riley doesn't want it unless riley doesn't want it i literally didn't even fucking say anything i didn't want to like put you on the spot ej because it's like it's your

first time on the show and like we're really excited to have you but like if you could that would be great yeah no absolutely i guess if i can just start um the thing that was really hard for me today what for fuck's sake was when uh we started and riley was like oh my god ej i love you so much you're so funny i'm such a big fan nothing wrong with that and it's like but no i know i know but if you let me finish for once oh sorry oh you hate me for liking ej's comedy oh you hate that's not what i said that's literally not what i. That's literally not what I said. That's literally not what I said. I'm just saying, like, you've never said that about me.

You know, like every day we come on the Zoom and I hit record and you don't actually say shit to me. In fact, you're actively mean to me. You've never said that you thought I was super funny or the i was a great guest or any of the stuff so i guess that's just how i'm feeling how are you feeling oh unless ej you want to mediate something i want to hear what ej has to say because that was a lot that was a lot yeah i'm sensing a lot i i i hope i'm not wrong but it feels like both of you are very activated in this moment. Yes, I feel that. Yes.

Yeah. That can be a lot. You know what feels really active for me? You know what helps me get active? It's not talking about Alfred. It's not. We know that. We know that.

Even more active than having EJ here even. It's Subway sandwiches. It's Subway stores. It is the subway brand guys guys subway let's talk about it ej subway order haven't been in like a decade for sure but when i was hiding mine yeah me neither yeah um it was the meatball sub i always got them wow and how often would you frequent to get a meatball sub here's the thing so often and it was because my older brother very cool worked at subway

when he was in high school and i was like so i would go and i remember it. It literally felt like, I mean, and this was in like 2006. So I don't know how you guys feel. I feel like that was Subway's peak. I agree. Early aughts was peak Subway time. And it's not just because that was my childhood. It's like, it's all definitely when they were the best.

I honestly do. I mean, what's its face was on tv with the jared right yeah let's not be named yeah um what was on tv with the whole pants and whatever but um that's such a visceral image of like him like standing in a giant pair of pants everyone's like this guy is so like uh um but he was amazing he has such an inspiration like oh my god did so much for us but anyways yeah i just felt like subway was peaking uh my life was perfect and my brother was working at subway my life was perfect because my brother was working at subway that was perfect

because you got meatball subs on the reg and so i could go in and be like hey the regular like literally my brother was like oh my god free is that was that yes free me because i feel like the meatball subs were like on the pricier end of the menu so to go in and like get free meatball subs was huge yeah imagine being a regular at subway just being like you're walking in you're like oh EJ got it literally we both subbed and you're like you got it man it was so awesome I mean my whole family we were free sandwiches we were like yeah we're going to Subway all the time at the peak too like that is the coolest

job in the family to have to be like damn this this prime sandwich shop sub shop even and we could just go just bang it out ingredients Subway order did you frequent it in the aughts or now i did um my high school was directly adjacent to a gas station which had

a subway in it nothing like a subway inside something else subway that's a gas station uh and i would go in there a lot um i would do that italian herb bread yeah and the fuck i'm talking about um and like i was i've never been a big when it comes to deli meat i've never been a big red meat person a roast beef ham it's not really for me but turkey you know that was my jam you're going crazy i was crazy for like a big like turkey club kind of situation subway and it was the freedom of of just like being able to put banana peppers on it and like you know cold green peppers in the middle of a sandwich. And I was definitely guilty of being like, well, it's the same price. So I'm going to say yes to every ingredient.

I was essentially a salad folded into a loaf of bread. And it's like, well, this isn't pleasant to eat. Or it's like, yeah, give me. Yeah. The mayo. Yeah. And the mustard. All the mustards.

Yeah. And also the vinaigrette. it wet soaking wet salad sandwich but it was lovely um and uh that was the same uh gas station that also had a crispy cream donut section and so it was jam one into the sub it was not an unbreakable place that i would just demolish a box of krispy kreme and a subway sandwich after wow before before rehearsal you know uh or like before like soccer practice even which is amazing to think about now the idea like half a dozen and a sandwich and then sprint for 90 minutes like literally just said meatball sub i felt heartburn like bubbling up it was saucy it was saucy i remember yeah i remember that i remember

like it was very much like eyes bigger than the stomach thing because it's like the thought i'm like oh i'm gonna just like house the subwayball sub. And then I couldn't get through the whole thing. And then if I did, I felt ill. Yeah. I'm so glad you asked, guys. My order. Looking back now, I don't regret it. I can understand why my brothers were like, that's fucking disgusting.

I'm scared. But now I'm like, no, I would still eat it. There was a Subway very close, if not across the street from my elementary school. I would go all the time. I'd get a white loaf pile on tuna, just as much as can fit in a piece of bread. Yellow mustard, lettuce, cucumber, bag of chips. I'm happy.

I'm going home. I am going to town on a tuna sandwich. I guess my big question is. Yeah, open the floor. The floor is open for questions. You're really highlighting how much tuna is on it. Yeah. And I have to wonder.

It's overflowing like out of the sandwich. Are you saying, you're in elementary school, you're like nine, and you're going, a little bit more. A little bit more. No, don't be stingy. Or is your mom advocating for you, and she's like, come on.

She needs a little bit extra tuna. Look at her protein. Look at those little wrists. There's collagen in it if you want. Listen, I just, it's like that big ice cream scoop of like tuna. I was thrilled. And it was cold. Like it was a cold fish sandwich.

And I was over the moon. I really like, it would be the thing I look forward to. And then sometimes my mom would be like, I got your, like she'd pick me up from school and be like, I got your tuna sandwich from Subway. And I was like, oh, it's incredible. It smelled like an aquarium. Yeah. It was really potent. Yeah.

I love tuna. I do, too. A good canned tuna situation. I eat canned tuna and chips out of the can I mean I'm happy either way yeah sometimes chicken of the sea

I don't mind it I like it I think I'm not just saying that to be cool no no no I swear I really do no I like it you don't have to no it's what I do no but it's like it. You don't have to. No, I do, but I do. It's okay if you don't.

No, but it's like the way that it's like, it's like salty and like kind of fit. It's like salty and fishy. Have you ever had tuna before? I guess. Depends on your We need to define some terms Tuna

How I've had sushi That's like tuna You can have tuna I will say it's a completely Different experience Isn't that weird The complete opposite thing

That is tuna salad and sashimi. It's so versatile. And then a tuna steak. And now all of a sudden it's a red meat. There you go. And you've always said that. And you're always talking about different ways to prepare tuna.

Should we just fucking get into it? I don't swear, please. Oh my god. That made me super uncomfortable too for real serious everyone here's a loser i'm gonna read a review uh all of the reviews i found are for a subway in downtown los angeles okay here we go here we go hold on god i found a lot that i really love okay here we go this is one star from chris w ej can you give chris w a last name uh walsberg chris walsberg usually when i come here every worker all caps is nice pretty coolives me good food and serves me. I came in a few days ago,

been meaning to write this review, and I walk in. Some lady was on the phone. Looks like she was in her mid-30s and she was just laughing away. Laughing! And stayed on the phone for five minutes so it clearly wasn't a conference call. Sounded like somebody she was close with. Didn't bother to look at me and say, hold on really quick. She saw me and she stayed on the phone. Then comes over after me waiting for five minutes saying, excuse me, in an annoyed voice. She gets me food and she just throws it together. Like when she put the extra condiments and sides on the sandwich, she literally just threw it on there. Checked me out. Didn't even say, have a good day. I was super pissed when I left the store. I even ordered three macadamia cookies and to my fault, didn't even say have a good day i was super pissed when i left the store i even ordered three

macadamia cookies and to my fault didn't check the bag immediately i get home and to find she gave me two macadamia and one chocolate maybe because she wasn't paying attention either way this subway is a good place to eat and get food from this lady just ruined it for me oh never goes back one negative experience i just love like the length of the phone call that it was like not only just like oh she's on the phone but it was like oh well it's not a conference call yeah it must be someone she's close to laughing a lot laughing a lot okay if it's like well if she had been on a business call while working at Subway. Right. That would have been so fine.

Honestly, respect. I mean, it's just, it is so funny to like, that is like a really absurd thing to do while you're at work. And I'm obsessed with it. I literally wish that I had that strength. To just have a full on like catch up with someone while you're on the And I'm obsessed with it. I literally wish that I had that strength to do that. To just have a full on like catch up with someone while you're on the job. And not even be like, oh, I got to go.

Like, you know, not be making the moves to go. Just be like fully finishing your conversation. I'm trying to think like, what's the worst place? Like Subway, you got a little time. What's like a high stakes job? That would be like the worst thing you're going into the er there's a nail through your hand hey um excuse me uh doc doctor yeah um i think i'm i think i'm really badly hurt actually can you is there something you could do i don't know do i need surgery i'm really i'm

freaking out a little bit i sound like really excited and calm but i think it might be shock so if you wouldn't mind like i don't know admitting me is that what we do with er ah oh oh there's so much blood yeah um sorry can you keep it can you lower your voice? Just lower your voice for one second. Okay, sorry. I'm just in the middle of a call. Right. He usually gets one scoop of wet food, but I think you could do two if he seems really, really hungry.

Sounds like a good call. Hey, sorry. I don't want to be be rude sorry so i'm just coming over the doctor's on a call right now i can help you check in but the doctor's on a really important call right now yeah so if anybody could help that would be actually fine yeah oh sorry i am just one second if you could just sit in the chair over there hi no i told you you'd love miss pac-man it's better than the original just the guy no way no way you can beat my high score i've been playing for years um oh could you sit down i'm sorry so sorry everyone's just kind of dealing with something right now i didn't say anything i'm just waiting hey stacy yeah yeah what's up stacy yeah when you have an eight month old kitten

is it no and if the kitten's like begging for food like how much is too much food i'm just i'm talking to cat sitter you know absolutely your hand i was just like so i i get it i i made a mistake this is like an animal hospital or something, right? This is a... Oh, no. This is ER at Cedars-Sinai. You're at Cedars-Sinai. You're in the right spot. Sorry, just give us one second, actually. For an eight-month-old kitten, I mean, I usually deal with dogs, but I feel like it's like

if the belly's like really, like really about to pop, then it's too much. I think it's just kind of like you feel it as you go. Does that make sense? Play it by ear. Okay. Give him the second can okay that's a lot of food for a kid let me know sorry i'm sorry can you i'm just i'm just saying i think that's maybe too much i don't appreciate you raising your voice it's also it's really rude i'm so sorry it's really rude to like your eavesdropping on the call and it's not it's really rude i'm so sorry it's really rude to like your eavesdropping

on the call and it's not your conversation and no right yeah no my bad i guess i just figure you know if you're open feeding your cat that's one thing but if you're doing meal times you're going to encourage like some some gorging some like negative behaviors your hand is really looking back i'm so sorry your hand is like you actually need help yeah well careful don't slip there's a puddle of blood okay just um right it's my blood i've been standing here bleeding for 15 minutes while you two were just chit-chatting away i mean it's kind of absurd if you should have said something i'm really sorry but it's like you should have flagged someone down you gotta advocate for yourself you have to advocate for yourself and it's hard like in the medical field it can be really hard but um you could make it easier like I'm not trying to like put you like not trying to like shift the blame

or whatever like I absolutely I know I could advocate more for myself this comes up in my work and in my personal life what do you do for work what do you do for work uh I'm a vet you're a vet you're a vet yeah with animals like uh you're a vet you're a vet you're a vet yeah so why is that what's with the surprise oh my god you're no like you're a vet you just don't look like a you just don't look like a vet no it's like like when you go to the vet's office like you see the vet and you're like oh yeah but then it's like you look at the skin you're like you're a vet yeah i mean you're not even wearing a white coat Yeah Well I work mostly with livestock

Large animal fat like horses cows Like Whoa Pigs sometimes like Donkeys I mean that's Those are big Right

Wow So it's like I'm not wearing a lab coat in the barn am I Those are big animals. Yeah. Right. Wow. Yeah, livestock. Are you okay? So it's like I'm not wearing a lab coat in the barn, am I? I suppose not. I'm sorry. I feel like we really got off on the wrong foot here, guys. I mean, a lot of pain.

So what happened to your hand? Yes. So I was delivering. I've been dying to know. You were delivering a baby? Well, a calf. It wasn't a baby? Well, a calf. It wasn't a calf. Yeah, a baby cow.

Baby cow. They're so cute. They are. They're big even when they're born, too. I love my work. Are you scared of big animals, Doctor? No. No.

I mean, I wouldn't say scared. I wouldn't say scared. What would you say? I would say rightfully cautious. Cautious. Sure. Sure. I mean, that's and I think that's actually a lot of people don't take adequate caution What would you say? Rightfully cautious. Cautious. Sure. Sure.

I mean, that's and I think that's actually a lot of people don't take adequate caution around large animals, horses, especially. They can be quite dangerous if you're not. So you were delivering a calf. Big dog. Sorry. Yeah, I guess I'm having a hard time keeping a train of thought with all the blood loss. And the calf came out and I, you know, was giving it a good cuddle and and saying welcome welcome to earth but it was probably wet yes okay and then i sort of worked in like a delivery room once like doctor.

No, not me. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. I think. Did you shower between then and now? I don't actually care what happened to your hand. Are you covered in like in like cow stuff? Yes.

I slipped on the afterbirth and I put my hand into the wall and I got a nail right through my hand. That's why I'm here. I have a nail in my thank you yeah it hurt a lot ouchy ouchy yes thank you would you do you want to do something about it or that's up to the doctor I'm just admin not just I mean I kind of helped this whole thing run like you know what that was I'm working on like thank you that's that's a habit I've like I keep like yeah talking down and make myself smaller that's exactly right i i do admin i help this place run yes thank you but stitching up is is dr wilson's job that is dr wilson's job yes so what i okay what do i do um oh Oh, I'm so sorry. Hold on. I'm getting a call.

I'm getting a call. I wish I was kidding. I'm getting a call. Hold on one second. Can you wait? Can it? Oh, I'm sorry. It's my sister.

She's getting married next month. That's so exciting. Oh, my God. Tell Trish. Tell Trish. Congratulations. Yeah, I will. It's not urgent, man.

It's. Oh, picking will. It's not urgent, man. It's... Oh, she's picking flowers for the wedding. Okay. Never baby's breath. Tell her never baby's breath. Never baby's breath. Oh, she said duh. That was baby.

Why not baby's breath? Sorry, again, you keep eavesdropping. Yeah. It's a private conversation with my sister. I guess I'm really sorry i thank you yeah another patient another person who's in the er who like really fucked up their neck hey listen i've been here for like three days and they this has kind of been what it's like i have a sewing kit in my purse i can sit you up real quick if if you need to just kind of get in and get out yeah um is that cool with you that would be really awesome and i actually i don't know if you heard the conversation i was having with the doctor and

the admin i i actually am a vet um but i've done like horse chiropractor so maybe i could help your neck out wait whoa whoa whoa so all that on you is like animal blood. No, this is most of this is my blood and some cow after birth. Oh, never mind. I can't. I can't help you. That's really gross. That's icky.

And I'm not about it. I'm so sorry. Oh, do you want to Uber pool to a different hospital? If you sit, if I sit in the front and you sit in the back i don't want to be around what's on you so i'm happy to do that and share the cost it's a miracle it's a miracle what happens do you eat burgers do you eat red you gotta hey so you got it you gotta calm down no god i'm over your voice do you eat dairy you gotta leave some orderlies are coming over yeah please take them out no i'm just being serious like do you eat dairy? You gotta leave some orderlies are coming over. Yeah, please take them out. No, I'm just being serious.

Do you eat red meat? He's gotta go. Yeah. Hey, fellas. Hey. So this is really really loud. Like, ouch. That's my ears. Ouch. Ouch. Really loud. There's like 20 dead bodies

on the waiting room floor. My hand is out. Everyone's bled out. I just died. I'm feeling really, really... Yeah, let's get an Uber. Let's get an Uber. Okay.

I hope this hospital burns down. It does. And that is a fun little button for that scene. It's a hospital burning down. Oh, that's... Alf, I hope that's how you end every scene. I've just been like, and that's a little button for that scene. It's a hospital burning down. Oh, that's, Alf, I hope that's how you end every scene. Of just being like, and that's a fun button for that scene. And that's a fun button for that scene. And now that one's done.

Oh, and that's done. Should we take a break? Let's take a break. Okay, from doing the podcast. I need some fucking space, I mean. All right. Okay. Come on.

Come on. No. Seriously, we need this we're back and we're covered in afterbirth al, do you want to kick us off for our next thing? Sure. Can do. Jesus Christ. Can you kick us off for our next... That's what you sound like. Don't be like that. Not in front of EJ. No, that's seriously what you sound like.

Can we kick us off? Yeah, I heard it. Well, that's what I sound like. EJ did a great impression of me. Yours was bad. It was the same impression. It was fundamentally the same. So if I say like, I'm having coffee. Like, E i says if i say like i'm having coffee like ej did you me i'm having coffee that sounded like it was me like it sounded like you recorded my voice and played it now alf you do it i'm having coffee oh that was like honestly offensive no what that was that offensive i didn't this is such bullshit this one

I actually don't feel comfortable finishing it it did feel off I'm this one is from a subway here where I am in the windiest city Chicago Illinois um Sienna Davis oh and I'm not supposed to say the full name and I just cut that out Daniel

if you wouldn't mind cutting that out this is from Sienna D Sienna D And I'm not supposed to say the full name. And I just. Cut that out, Daniel. Daniel, if you wouldn't mind cutting that out. This is from Sienna D. Sienna D. EJ, do you want to give us a last name for Sienna D? Doorbell. Sienna Doorbell. That's a family name. Five stars.

They tend to actually give me my bizarre requests. I got a salad made solely out of pickles, for example. And the staff are generally very friendly. Excellent customer service. And then a less than sign and then a three. Like a heart, but like an emoji. Like an ASCII heart. I don't know how to do it with my hands it gives me vibes of like especially with like the the less

than three heart it kind of gives me vibes of like someone who is just like doing it for the bit who didn't even want that salad but it's just like like with the group friends like all right guys i'm gonna be okay i'm okay we'll go into subway i'm gonna order something like crazy like okay like thomas and mart, like I'm, what if I went in? What if I just like ordered? Like, what if I got like all bread,

please? Like, do you think it would be crazy? That's not allowed. You shouldn't do that. That's not allowed. No, that's,

that's way too. That's too crazy. I'll do it. Like I swear to God, I'll do it. Okay. I'm going in. I'm going in.

I'm going in. Um, hello. I would like to order, please. I'll make the sandwich. You take the order. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Cool. Okay. Hello, I would like to order, please. I'll make the sandwich, you take the order, okay? Okay. Yeah, cool.

Okay, yeah, it might be a two-person job because this order is gonna be, I'm looking out the window, a little crazy. Okay. Cool. Can I get wheat bread? Yes. Oh my God. Can I get wheat bread? Yes. Oh, my God.

Can I get wheat bread? And then can I, what if I put like a bunch of lettuce on there? Just like pile it up with lettuce. Okay, okay. Awesome. And then give me some turkey, mayo, some tomato, and oh, my my god and like a little bit of salt and pepper do you want light mayo or regular like light okay like light meal oh my god i was gonna ask if you want chips or like a cookie or anything on the side um a drink you have to ask for a drink as

well you have to ask them if they want to drink do you want to drink is it your first day it's my second day i'm uh i'm so sorry that i'm giving you kind of a crazy order on your second day no it's like actually one of the easier ones that i've had so what this is just like an one of the easier orders that i've had. We just essentially made this sandwich already like three or four times today. It's just like a turkey sub with lettuce and like a couple things. Yeah, I guess you're not getting cheese, but that, I mean, that makes it like easier. Yeah, and a lot of people are lactose, you know. I'll take cheese.

Sure. Okay, cool. Do you want a pepper jack? All of them. Oh, okay. Nice. You like cheese a lot. Sure.

Now this is starting to be like a sandwich I might eat, right? Yeah, seriously. I'll take everything. I'll take everything you have and put it on the sub. All the ingredients? Yep. That's not going to be like a fun sandwich to eat. It's crazy.

I'm getting a crazy meal that I'm going to share with my friends because I want to be remembered. And this is how I'm going to do it. That's cool. Well, if you come in every day for 30 days in a row, you might have a chance of getting your photo on the wall. Yeah, but not 100%. It's like only a chance because like a lot of people do that so it's like a raffle system it's a raffle how many people come in every day last month we had like 17 yeah that's about right yeah a dozen dozen and a half

um i don't think i can do that because i'm i'm um i'm coming i was just in the city with my friends for like the afternoon and we're going back to the suburbs today so i can't do that because I'm I'm coming I was just in the city With my friends for like the afternoon and we're going back to the suburbs Today so I can't do that Okay that's fine Your subway in your hometown might have Something similar yeah can you just Like give me everything on the sandwich can you Just do it please sorry I was rude

Not just do it can you please Do it oh Sure yeah Thanks okay cool While they're making well while you guys are making that um my friends are gonna come here in a minute and like i told them that was gonna be crazy because they're like oh caroline you're you're so normal and it's like i don't want i it's like before i go to college i want to do something you know like yeah so yeah my friends come in here, can you just tell them how crazy I am? Like how wild and radical I am?

Sure. Sure. You promise you'll do it? Yeah. Caroline? Yeah. Caroline. Okay.

Okay. Crazy Caroline. Yeah. I was going to say cuckoo. Oh, that's good. That's good that's good okay they're coming they're coming hey guys hey hey stop it hey hey uh don't mind me just getting the biggest sandwich they've ever made there's so many things on this sandwich i'm so oh it's crazy yeah crazy crazy this is like i um i've had to press so many uh buttons because of all this stuff on the sandwich guys what do you think about that

you need to leave what you're so yours is such a fucked up order. You gotta go. Whoa, whoa. Bump it, tone it down. Not that much. Get the hell out, crazy Caroline. Yeah, we've heard about you. Yeah, your picture's up all over town. Your reputation precedes you, Caroline Looking at my friends like, yeah, yeah

Oh, okay Why don't I take my sandwich and I'll get out of here No sandwiches for crazy girls Yeah Okay That's in the subway manual Yeah What if you take a photo of me, put it on the wall

To show people, oh, she's been here. Better look out. Sure. Yeah? I get it. Like on my phone? No, like I want you to take a photo on your phone. Then we'll go to like CVS or something, get it printed, and then put it on the wall.

Right? Because I'm so crazy and dangerous. So it's like a wanted poster for me. Are you dangerous? Should we be a party? No, no, no, no, no. Guys, guys. I'm like, I'm not actually dangerous.

I was scared. Yeah. No, I saw you. You jumped. I was really afraid for a minute. Me too. Yeah. No, no, no.

I'm not. Like I am. I am. I'm dangerous. And I'm armed. I have a knife. And I. No, no, no.

I actually don't have a knife. Do you seriously have a knife? No, I don't. No, I actually don't have a knife. Do you seriously have a knife? No, I don't. No, I don't. But what if I did? You're actually armed. Unfortunately, we're going to have to ask you to leave. It's like a very strict policy.

We don't. I promise. I'm just telling my friends. I'm just saying that in front of my friends to make me sound like, like mysterious. I'm, I'm armed and I'm dangerous and no one knows what I'm going to do next. What if I left over the counter right now and just went to town behind there? Here's the thing, Caroline, is I'm noticing you've got a backpack on and I

frankly, I don't know whether there's a gun in there or not. I was also feeling that there might be a gun in the bag. No, no, no. This is pretend. This is make-believe. There's not a gun in there. I promise. I can literally open and show you. There's like a Webkinz and like a journal. I don't want you to open the bag. Last night. I do not want you to open that bag.

An off-duty SWAT member coming in to the subway. Feeling a little tension in here, fellas. What's going on? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What's going on?

Yeah, it's just crazy Caroline being crazy. Yeah, just... That's crazy caroline what we've okay i need everyone to back out we've been looking for her for a better part of a year oh my god oh my god no what you don't even this is this girl's been going to every sub shop in the city and asking for the craziest stuff and she's also telling people she has a knife that's what she did that's exactly what no but it's a joke it's a joke no no no it's literally a joke it's literally a joke and it's funny and we all think it's what my friends are here they'll back me up they they know guys guys i don't have a knife

in my bag right like you guys know i've never seen what are you talking about? What are you talking about? You literally You were at my house We packed bags to come over here There's not a knife in here Are you kidding? You're sneaky I don't know

You're like always doing crazy stuff Like Okay, she's sneaky I think we've got enough testimony to We need to bring you in I didn't do anything I'll admit it I'm not crazy, Caroline Oh Monique to we need to bring you in. I didn't do anything. I'll admit it.

I'm not crazy, Caroline. Oh. That's not what Quiznos and Jersey Mike's and every subway in the tri-state area has said. This is crazy. This is not how I wanted my day to go. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm on mock trial.

Okay? I'm on mock trial I'm on mock trial and I go back and forth between my mom's and my dad's house so I need a little bit of stuff to do before I go to Ithaca in the fall I think there's a line out the door for subs and stuff

so if everybody could clear out you don't need to clear out you don't need to clear out like that. Wait, you don't need me to clear out. You don't need to clear out. No. Yeah. You should go. Do you guys feel safe with her? If you feel safe and everything's fine, I'll let her be. Not really.

Not really. Everyone in the line somehow is like shaking their head. I don't know exactly, but it's a really weird energy. And it's like, it feels like it could turn. And I would just be more comfortable if you left. Just play it on the safe side. Yeah. I mean, just because like we're at work you know like we can't really like we can't leave but you

can you know what i mean let me take her out she's just like fine cut cut to orientation all right folks so if you follow me this way i will just give you a tour of the freshman dorms this is kind of like the gathering space. This is where everyone likes to hang out and play cards. It's like super fun. Yeah. Sorry. Was there a question in the front or no? Nevermind. All right. Well, yeah. So if everyone wants to go around and say their names, pronouns, and hometown. Go for it. Awesome. I'll start. I'm Caroline Samuels, she, her,

and I'm just from a little town outside of the city, and I'm really, really excited to be here. Cool. Welcome, Caroline. Thank you. Snap for Caroline. Did you say Caroline Samuels? Yeah.

What's your name? That's actually, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I think, I don't think you should. I'm sorry, is anybody else on this tour Feeling really really weird now Everyone raises their hand You guys know who this is right You know who that is

I was like solemnly nodding Orientation leader Um yeah so Uh look Usually we try to avoid Um you know When you come to college everybody gets a second chance yes chip thank you um not everybody usually that's the protocol in this case hey caroline yeah chip whatever you're about to say can we do it in private like i know

unfortunately we really believe in public space yeah yeah so um equity for everybody yeah i get that um i'm recording it on my phone just a little too yeah if you're gonna go live anyone who like goes live on everyone does um hey caroline yeah you're just like a couple notches too crazy i know i got it i got it okay um there's a bus uh leaving campus like wait i can't go to school here no there's so there's a bus leaving campus at 6 30 i thought i could just i thought i just didn't i couldn't stay at the dorm i have to leave the school i mean i don't know how does everybody feel like would you rather she leave campus or stay absolutely not all the live footage just kind of like bobbing up and down yeah everyone on the live commenting leave school leave school

leave school she has to go she's too crazy um i mean if it's like if that's what everybody wants and just like triple checking because it's kind of gonna alter the course of my life like is that really what everybody wants is for me to not be here i think so that was a really easy decision for everybody to make that's insane um i just i'm sorry i don't want to like i don't know i just feel like i i would regret if i didn't say this you're acting like we're doing this to you but you ordered a really big fucked up sandwich with everything on it and then you said you had a knife and there were two guys working at subway who really didn't like that and you are now acting like you're the victim and I just think that's kind of fucked up because like every subway employee in the state basically has a vendetta against you and it's like that's why we're kicking you out you know what i mean we're not just like kicking you out for like no reason

it's because you made a really big fucked up sandwich and then you said i had a knife so yeah but was that off base am i off base for that or no no not at all thank you for saying that yeah because if i'm off base i'll hey you know hold me accountable but i just think you know you wanted to be crazy caroline so like you made your sandwich now eat it you know right um yeah no you're right uh i guess it's like facing the consequences of my actions like i made a crazy fucked up sandwich. I said I had a knife, which I don't, and I didn't. No way of knowing. No way of knowing.

And why would someone say that if it wasn't true? Why would you just say that? People lie all the time. I'll leave because, honestly, this isn't the kind of environment I would want to go to school in now anyway because everyone really sucks and is mean to me. For sure. Chip, you're really charismatic, and I would have loved to have you as my RA.

Yeah. Me too, Caroline. Do you mean that or no? Maybe if you were somebody different. I get that. Sorry, I laugh when I get that. Sorry, I laugh when I'm sad. I mean, everybody's crying

and I'm not seeing a dry eye. I agree. I wish I wasn't who I am anymore because I can't go anywhere without this. I'm gone. I'm going home. Congrats to everyone on admission. And I hope everyone has great lives. I'm going to go to fucking Quiznos, I guess. Have a good one.

Bye. It was nice to meet you. Bye. Good luck. Have a good fall. They don't let me on the bus. Just slam the door shut not you not you i didn't want to i literally didn't want to but like we're not safe if you come on here we just aren't a knife on a bus are you serious come on even the prospect of a knife on the bus it's like you understand why i can't do that you have to get why i can't do that yeah i know oh god um okay i will i will do our last one this is a tiny review for the little subway in downtown la it's one star from jamie m either of you i need a last name for jamie m malkovich jamie malkovich one star star. Exactly what I was going to say. Workers Jenny and Dahlia are very unprofessional. I felt super uncomfortable while I hear them using foul language in front of my little siblings.

F this, F that is all I hear in the store. And to top it all off, one of the employees... Sorry. And to top it all off, one of the employees, Dahlia, decided to skip my family and attend other customers instead and made us wait until they were even finished charging the other customers to complete our orders. Fart. Fart. Fart. Nice one.

Fart. Fart. Fart that. Fart this. Fart this job. I don't need this farting job anyway no no way not to fart this farty fart job this farty what is this farty fart what is it what is it being a lawyer anyway farty farty job being a lawyer solving crimes or whatever fart we do seriously What did we go to fart in law school for this?

Come on. Seriously. Uh, Peter and Joel, I'm going to need to see you in my office, uh, right now, right now.

Gosh, I think we're in trouble. No, not, Oh God, come in here. Sit down. No,

come in here. You literally have to, I am your boss. You need to sit down. Okay. Stop. You're seriously yelling okay i just want to start off uh this meeting by saying you are both in your nope you are in

your mid to late 30s don't cry oh my god you are behaving like 10 year old boys are no i'm actually i don't care that you're crying. Everyone in the office is offended by your language and behavior. This is not the first time that obviously this is why you're crying. This is kind of the fourth time. This is the fourth time this month that I've heard a complaint. I'm bringing you in here. So normally it's like a three strike rule. But unfortunately, you guys are the two best lawyers at our firm.

And I hate that that's true thank you it's not a compliment it's just a fact um you call this the best lawyers how is that because you have one you have won every single case you've ever tried so we're good we're like nice and like because people like to like be around us we funny, right? I want to fire you so badly. Okay, and here it is. No, here it is. Here it is. Here it is.

You make this office feel like a daycare center with all of your fart this, fart this. Oh, I love poo poo pee pee. It's like you guys need to. No, it's not funny. And I'm not laughing because I think it's funny. I'm laughing because this is an insane conversation to be having. I don't want to get that confused. No, you're right.

You're right. You're right. So. And you, um, maybe if you could make a list of words that are not allowed to say. Absolutely. I can do that right now. So far. That's one of them.

That's not. Oh, you cannot say fart. You's not a go you cannot say fart you cannot say but you cannot say poo-poo or pee-pee duty that is also one sorry waz you said waz waz i'm gonna just go ahead and say you can't say that one as well. But we've never said it. Well, too bad. This is a crazy meeting to be having. So I just want to be clear. I can't fire you because you guys are so good.

But if this keeps happening, I will have to demote you in some way. So please get out of my office. Sorry. That's a load of piss. A load of piping hot piss. Come on. That's a load of piss. A load of hyping hot piss. Come on. That's also on the list now. I've just decided.

You're just making stuff up. Are you saying this to be funny? Are you saying all this to be funny? Are they trying to get a laugh? No. The last I hate when people laugh at me and all I really want, honestly, is to be able to express myself.

And I thought that this office was like the one place where people like, like liked when I was around and like, okay. Wanted me to be there. It's like, no, seriously. Like we didn't like,

we've never really fit in like in law school and stuff. People always like didn't invite us to stuff because they said we were like immature or whatever and like yeah when we got this job we were like finally like okay somebody gets it somebody wants to come as a package deal which is unheard of in this we're identical twins we're a we're're identical like the original package deal like i don't understand um like we wear this like oh we wear like the same outfit every no you do that also makes people uncomfortable by the way you can still be twins you don't have to have the same job the same outfit sit right next to each other eat the same foods live together still like you can

be different. Okay, I'm sorry. It's kind of hard. Sometimes when you order a bowl of pasta from the Olive Garden, sometimes it's a little bit hard to finish it by yourself. I agree. I couldn't agree more. That's the one thing we agree on.

So you split it with your twin. I don't really get what the... What do I have to say right now to get you guys out of my office and on good behavior? How do I end this meeting fast? You can come to our birthday party. You could literally come to the party. Fine. Fine. I'll stay for 10 minutes. No, you have to stay at least

an hour and a half. An hour and a half. That's so much longer than what I originally said. One game. One game. One game. Twister. Twister. You have to stay for at least one hour. That feels unprofessional. Cake and Twister. You have game. One game. Twister. Twister. You have to stay for at least one game. That feels unprofessional. Cake and Twister.

You have to stay for Cake and Twister. Yeah. And it's going to be a really good game. Our mom is making the cake. She's so good at it. I guess that's nice. Okay. All right.

It's ice cream cake. Our mom is not going to be there. No. You're not letting your mom come to her son's birthday party? No. It's like a grown-up party. It's like a grown-up party. She said she didn't want to be there.

She was like, I don't want to be there. This is your guys' thing. She gets it. It's like grandpa style, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's also going to be Xbox Live Dance Dance Revolution. Okay. You guys are clearly having a party for children.

What makes it a party for children? There's not going to be children. There's only grown-ups there, so it's a party for grown-ups. I understand There's not going to be children There's only grown-ups there I understand there's not going to be children there But you're getting your mommy to make a cake She's not even going to be there because she doesn't want to cramp your style We're not getting her to make a cake She volunteered That makes it sound like we're forcing her to make the cake

I didn't say that I will come to the birthday party If that is going to be the only thing That gets you two to behave like adults. Okay. Big raise. Well, careful standing up, boss, because your shoelaces are tied together. No, you did not.

Boss gets up, falls over, hits the head on the corner of the desk, instantly dead. Oh, fuck. What the fart have we gotten ourselves into? Fart. Fart. Fart. Oh, my God. Oh, should we do our last segment?

Let's do it. This shook me all week long ej what's been shaking your ass for better for worse what is a grievance you have something you're excited about what has been shaking you all week long what has been shaking me all week long um so i have a toyota prius not to brag and um i i literally have been i scraped the bumper so many times this no to the point where it's kind of it's not dang it's not dangling yet but that feels like where it's going but it's definitely gonna happen soon and i also i was looking for my car in a parking it's a black prius so it's like there's a million bajillion of them i was looking for my car in a parking lot i saw it i said well that can't be it because that one looks fucked

i was like no that's no and i was like i didn't but i did park that and then i was like, that's my car. You hit the key? Yeah. Really? I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not good. That's devastating. That's a really hard moment to have to have. I was like, wait, mine's supposed to be, mine's shiny last time, you know, but it's not. I was going to be like, that piece of shit sucks for the loser who drives that busted up.

Glad that's not me. And then I was like, oh, man. Really? That reminds me of one time when I was in high school. I went to the grocery store with my mom, brag. And we came out and we got into the car. And there was like a bunch of random shit on the seat that I didn't remember leaving there. And we both go, what the fuck is this?

And we threw it on the seat that I didn't remember leaving there and we both go what the fuck is this and we threw it on the back seat and then we both simultaneously had the realization that we had gotten into a stranger's car that they had left unlocked that just looked exactly like her car and we both just like sat there and looked at each other and went okay and like

just like didn't talk didn't do anything because it's like what do you do when that happens and I generally think that's on them for not locking their car Hmm Hmm Right? It's like when you lock your car You're begging for people to get into it by accident Yeah

Yeah I don't know You're just inviting something What shook you this week Riley huh? Three friends from HeadGum and I Are starting a D&D campaign, which I'm really excited about. I played in college with Alfred. That's me. And my boyfriend started playing with some friends for the first time ever.

And hearing him talk about it, I get excited. I'm like, damn, I want to play that again. And so we're starting that up. And I'm really, really excited about it. We did a little character building zoom the other day and uh my character's name is sauna time uh t-h-y-m-e so i'm really excited to play as sauna um yeah that's it's earnestly shaking me i'm so fucking stoked that's nice um alfred what's been shaking you um what's been shaking me and i know you're thinking you've had so much time you're going last like you obviously have one um yeah that's

what i was thinking and i do and i do um and it is that i went to the store earlier um and i you're obsessed with going to the store and i bought a bag of mint chocolate Milano's and I had one right before this and I intend to have maybe another one right after this. You're insane. I'm crazy. And I love I just love Milano's and you dunk them in your coffee or just eat them raw. And it's like they're both options are good. you can cook them in the scorching hot coffee or you can eat them just a raw malan and i'm really excited i also got a cadbury's fruit nut um which is a little chocolate bar that has fruits and nuts in it um what a day for you what a little sweetie

day big day out um big day out but yeah so i'm excited to eat my snacks um i haven't really figured out dinner yet um but i guess this dinner is raw milanos yeah i guess this is what being a grown-up is you know you eat cookies for dinner right that's adulting adulting um ej thank you so much for joining us this was such a blast thanks for having me it was epic where can people find you what's coming up what do you want to plug um follow me you know such a good question i'll post about it on my social media that you should follow me on um my name is ej having fun on instagram tiktok twitter everything hell yeah hell yeah um you can find alfred on instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review and our discord head gum discord review review don't sleep on the discord guys you don't sleep on the discord we have a party in there y'all it's it's it's hopping and you can find riley on instagram.com at riley

only on the web browser part instagram.com and on twitter.com for as long as it lasts at Riley Kai O T and like we say every single week we all know it even EJ everyone knows everyone knows the catchphrase Krab Krab Krab Krab

Krab Krab that was a hit gum original