Review Revue - Sunflower Seeds

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

Alf and Reilly drop the love bomb and 'subscribe and save'. *Editors note: Do not listen around your mom>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. I'm a liar, fuck you I haven't been in medieval times or a ranch bear

You're about to be jumped and you're starting to sweat So quickly post out no one gave What's right is your name We're all quite aware you're Squire You're Squire, fuck you You're Squire, you're Squire, fuck you Could I tell a story straight? Would I not?

I think you can't just tell it to me more than I make a lot of fun to do. You're a train to keep me hip, you scare, I hate you. You're a psychic, you're a psychic, fuck you. You're a psychic, you're a psychic, fuck you. You're a liar, you're a liar, fuck you. You're watching, you're watching with Huber, Huber, Huber. I mean, listen, the lyrics that I could hear, loved. You're a psychic.

You're a psychic. Fuck you. You're listening. You're listening to Review Review Review. Fuck you. This is another punk song for, you guessed it, ALF. This is from Riley. They said, the original artist is Ben Weasel of Screeching Weasel.

The song is Liar from their first demo but he might have been solo at that early stage I love that that's all that they sent with this no like hey plug my Instagram and then the title is Psychics are Liars you're watching review review thank you so much Alf did you know that song

I did not know that song Screeching Weasel that's that's that's what they called me in high school why would they call you that in high school um because i would put a bunch of weasels in a bag and just kind of like toss it around and so they called so they called you screeching weasel because of that yeah because then it's like whenever i'd come around they'd be like sorry they'd only hear the weasels and so they'd be like oh there's screeching weasel and spa huh i guess um i guess that was pretty fucked up we recorded an episode 30 minutes ago don't tell them that don't tell them that i'm saying it because i was in my pjs when i recorded the first one and now i'm in like actual clothes and i feel amazing

and i've been bucky nude but now he was bucky nude for the first one and now he's wearing his shirt so he's kind of doing like a winnie the pooh kind of thing yes now i'm just shirting it i'm shirting myself what's new with you in the 30 minutes since i spoke to you last i played uh i looked uh spoiler alert for reviews uh-huh um and then i played tears of the or no i played breath of wild for about five minutes and what'd you do um i'm trying to get to one of the sheikah um towers is that what they're called yeah to. Because, but I, there's like a mermaid, there's like a mermaid prince I need to meet. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like freaky fish guys. They're like, no! He's kind of a little like, oh, you are so surprised to see me. And it's like, what? Like, they're so kind of, and I don't want to use this word, but horny. No, everyone, everyone in the zelda

universe is horned up like i was playing it the other day and surprised to see me and there were and there were other people in the room and i was playing and i was playing it with the volume on which is like kind of fucked up that i was doing that with other people in the room but i was playing it and at a certain point everyone was just like what is that because i was riding my horse and every single time you like spur the horse on it's like oh yeah oh daniel and i do like oh oh oh and it's like why did you name your horse i did what's its name i you have to well i was gonna name it peter griffin you're lying but then there was a character limit peter griffin can't hear you so you name it brian no so i named it peter p peter p sorry you couldn't do peter griffin so you opted for peter p yeah and then i got a second horse griffin g i called him dinkum

called him dinkum and they go dinkum can't come right now He's too far away I had a horse in Zelda That I named Loaf And Loaf was great And then there was one I was crossing this one long bridge To get to the bird people And Loaf

Killed himself Loaf jumped off of the bridge I didn't know the horses could die. I didn't know. Oh, the horses can very much die. I didn't know that. Can they respawn? No, no.

Permadeath. Permadeath. And it's gone. Yes, Permadeath. And so I... Oh, I hope that's not the Peter. Peter didn't come. Daniel and Elizabeth were watching me.

And like, I was controlling. You control where it goes, but it just yeeted to the left. Yeah, might have its own. And fully fell off. And I'm like, oh, my horse didn't want to be around anymore. you get a new horse i did what'd you name it i named it loaf again oh that seems crass it's like barbra streisand i just um barbra streisand barbra streisand i was i was shocked

and i was like is it my fault is there anything i could have done differently um not ridden it so close to the edge I suppose maybe maybe don't ride me I'm close to the edge I'll keep going don't ride me I'm close to the edge push me

and then just ride me so close to the edge oh push me and then just ride me so close to the edge that's what i used to say when um oh that's what i used to say when i was um that's uh no guys guys seriously you're gonna what you're gonna want to say oh what was that don't ride me i'm close to the edge um that uh that is what i used to that is what i used to say get the fuck on with it when when when i was um when my boss would be really mean to me while i when i was a when i was a pa for you too i'd say don't ride me. I'm close to the edge. Long walk up a short

bridge. A long walk to the fucking shit hole. Oh my god. I feel itchy inside. I drank too much espresso. This is someone's first episode

they're ever listening to. Well, darling, I can tell you one thing. It'll be the last. It'll be the last. I feel itchy inside. I'm going to have to magnify myself. I feel itchy inside. He's going to have to magnify himself. Okay, listen. rise himself okay listen listen we'll cut straight to the chase neville would be an incel if he was born today

that's how the culture has changed no because neville's hot yeah yeah yeah but that doesn't mean he's not an incel you think he would be an incel I genuinely do doesn't he get with yes

but if that was in the 90s if he was born today he'd be an incel you're like speaking from experience speaking from experience as a valued member

of the community you're ew ew did you see that did you catch that okay if you guys are laughing at the mouth you guys listened to last week's episode about green food dye which i hope you did because it's it was better than that i love that episode at the end of the episode alf couldn't talk without liquid coming out of his mouth. And he's liquid. And he's not even drinking anything. We don't know what it is, but it's liquid. He got it stuck in his beard just now and he licked it out.

Okay. That makes it sound really gross. Okay. I don't know what it was, which was awesome. Oh, my good boy. remarkable boy i feel like when um i said remarkable boy um i feel like when you know when ebenezer wakes up on christmas morning and he's like you know you know the one in the window the one as big as me that's how i feel right now you're the one as big as me the one as big as me and then the housekeeper is like you know we're talking about sunflower seeds today by the way because you didn't know that's not what my reviews did you know that did you know that bet you didn't know that

um that was a little sunday in the park did you catch that talk Bet you didn't know that. I saw it right yesterday. Did you know that? That was a little Sunday in the park. Did you catch that? Talk to me about sunflower seeds, you old bitch. I saw it right yesterday. Did you know that? I bet you didn't know that. Come on. Sunflower seeds.

I like them. They're not my favorite nut seed, nutter seed, nutty nutter seed. You like that one my favorite would probably be peanut cash cashew cashew if you will um probably number one um yeah crazy one this This is so, so, so. I, I, I, I, I, I. Oh my God. I genuinely feel. I'm laughing at the mouth. This is how, so, so, so.

Bonkers. I feel absolutely bonkers. He's drinking espresso for the first time in weeks. He's going to bonker-fice himself. I do think that sunflower seeds are delicious. I do. I used to put them in my breakfast granola. I used to make my own breakfast granola.

And I would use sunflower seeds in that. I would do it in my overnight oats, which I used to do as well. He's going to bonkerfise himself. He's going to overnight oats himself. And we got to stop. himself he's going to over no doubt himself and uh man we gotta stop we gotta stop doing this podcast man i'm sorry

he's gonna overnight he's gonna overnight fucking what are we on man okay so you made it with your granola you made it with your oats yeah oh my man. Okay. So you made it with your granola. You made it with your oats. Yeah.

Oh, my ever loving God. You're a big fan of sun nut butter, aren't you? Why don't you talk about that? You quite like sunflower seeds, don't you? Even in butter form. Are you drooling again? No, I'm not. I'm literally not. I'm dry as a mouse.

Dry as a mouse, darling. Don't even worry about it. So, you like sun nut butter, yes? I love sunflower seed butter. And I got turned on to, yeah. I don't eat sunflower seeds. I don't see. You got what?

Not like, if they're in something, I'll have it. But I'm not. Like, Elizabeth Valenti loves snacking on a bag of sunflower seeds. Like, you get the old ball game. I feel like they're big gas station fare. You know what I mean? Big gas station fare. It's just salt, because you're not actually, like, eating anything.

Like, you're not ingesting any of it. They're so teeny. Maybe I've never had any. You're not ingesting them? What do you mean you're not ingesting? No, because it's like, you take the shells out, but what's inside? The fucking seed, darling. Oh, I guess I've never... Whatever. You thought it was just an activity. you're on because it's like you take the shells out but what's inside the fucking sea darling oh

i guess i've never whatever you thought it was just an activity do you just yeah you like you open the shell and there's nothing in there as someone who's a recovering nail biter yes that like to just have the salt and something like you know like a little like i just bite the the little shells that's something to do it's not my fucking hands so i take that sure pistachios same thing right you know there's a nut in there i understand i understand okay so now you're seeing the error of your way i understand peanut you know it's not just a big empty shell i understand now i understand i didn't before but now i. You genuinely didn't realize there was something in those shells. No. Bunkers, bunkers, bunkers.

I didn't know. That is bunkertina, darling. That is bumperilla. I didn't know. That is boop. But, so I don't often have sunflower seeds in their natural state. But when I do. Fate, in their natural state.

But I do love some sunflower seed butter. Because it's. So what did you think the butter was made of? Grinding all that up. Grinding all the husks. I'm gonna kill you. Try it. We're on Zoom, fucko. Fuck. Anyway, sunflower seed butter is great.

It's not as sweet and not as thick as peanut butter. I love peanut butter a lot. I don't. That's honestly one of my biggest complaints about peanut butter is the thin's it's not as sweet and not as thick as peanut butter i love peanut butter a lot i don't that's honestly one of my biggest complaints about sunup butter is the thinness it's so liquidy but i love spreading i had it this morning i spread it on oatmeal and it's very easy to just kind of drizzle it's drizzling you're not spreading you're drizzling you're drizzling but i've done it before on toast and it slides right off i don't know it does making i'm so sorry you guys i'm so sorry i think maybe there's a gas leak making a sunflower seed butter and jelly sandwich that shit's delicious but it's runny as hell but it's worth it it's a soup it's ultimately a soup um but no i am not one to just munch on

sunflower seeds um is there any seed you'll munch on i love pumpkin seeds really yeah little because i kind of think of them as being in very similar um i don't okay really forge you with that one i fucking don't so shut the hell up actually um i i can do an almond i'm i can do uh i'm not really a seat daniel loves pistachios i'm not really a seed girl really at the end of the day yeah i like them but i'm not um i don't i don't uh seek not, I don't seek them out. You don't seed them out. I don't seed them out.

I used to be a vegan. I know, I know. And when I was a vegan, I ate a huge amount of nuts. I mean, nuts and beans were basically my whole. I bet you did. Hello, hello. Nuts and beans. What's he like?

What's he like? He's going to bonker fire us all. He's going to. Anyway, I would eat a lot of them. Oh, my God. I can't wait for the improvisational comedy. Can we do something? Yeah.

Do you want to read a review? No. We need to set an intention. Okay. This one needs an intention i think because here's the thing about the readers at home don't know the intention is somewhat of a guardrail grounding it's a guardrail you know what i mean the intention helps us from veering off into somewhere we don't want to be and i think i think some of the episodes that have been

less structured i'll say that that's generous uh some of the episodes that have been a little bit more free form sometimes that's okay i fear that if we were to do that and without the guardrail today someone could get hurt energy someone could get not experienced this kind of energy from you since we gambled yes in los angeles yes i don't think for those of you who don't know well i don't we didn't actually gamble together what happened was daniel elizabeth alfred and i In Los Angeles. Yes. I don't think. And for those of you who don't know. Well, I don't know. We didn't actually gamble together. What happened was Daniel, Elizabeth, Alfred, and I, we sat on the floor rolling a dice. Correct. Not a pair of dice.

A die, I guess. A die. And playing pretend that we were, like, we would all bet on what number it was going to land on. It was like bad craps. It was the invention of gambling. Yes. It was quite literally like human. It was the invention of gambling. Yes. It was quite literally like human beings

who've never heard of gambling before are given a dice and they're like, well, what can we do with this? And it was almost like, it was very Lord of the Flies in nature of how feral it got so quickly. And the- Did I take off your shirt?

Did I? Yes. You said, I bet my shirt. I bet yes you said i bet my i bet my shirt i bet my shirt i mean i took my shirt off you took your shirt off i think it was your first time meeting both of them no not both of them we went to college with elizabeth it was the first time meeting daniel was i drinking you were drinking at the time okay so this doesn't count let's get into oh wait let's get into our intention alf i think you should set the intention because last week i said that it was going to be very militant you did say that and i think and we had soldier ants so it was very militant

and i think that this episode is going to be smooth i think this is going to be a silky smooth silken tofu gelato just soft silky creamy velour that's this he's gonna glorify himself mommy i want to go home mommy i want to go home this episode yet do you want to start us off with a review? Sure. Or do you want me to start? I can read a review. Go for it. This is Organic Sunflower Kernels 365 by Whole Foods Market. Organic, roasted, unsalted sunflower kernels. This is five stars.

Okay. You get to pick the name. No name? Okay. Well well here they have a name the name is they work period great period that is their name do you think they're talking about the sunflower seeds i can't they have to have made the account i don't know so you can ask we can either use they work great or you can pick a name. Okay, I'll pick a name. Their name is Sunflower Colonel Reporting for Duty. Get it?

Because Colonel sounds like. Sunflower Colonel Reporting for Duty. Colonel. Okay, I just want to say after every single word in the title and in the body okay there is a period after it oh like a like a telegram yes sunflower stop they stop our stop unsalted comma they stop our stop not stop easy stop to stop find stop in stop stores ellipses That's the title. Jesus Christ. Here's the review. Haven't. Stop. Tried.

Stop. Yet. Stop. But. Comma. I. Stop. Sure.

Stop. They. Stop. Will. Stop. Be. Stop. Great.

Stop. And it was five stars. Five stars. I mean, and what's the fucking point? Haven't tried yet, but I'm sure they'll be great. Haven't. Just. Tried. Yet.

But. I. Sure. They. Will. Be. Great. It's just so unserious. fucking point i haven't tried yet but i'm sure it'll be great i haven't tried yet but i sure they will be great it's just so unserious i the fact that every single piece of it is is separated by a period i mean it's ridiculous it's also we could call a spade a spade that person is is doing a bad job of reviewing imagine like in the time of sending telegrams uh-huh you spend all that effort and money just to send haven't tried yet but i'm sure it'll be great Thomas? Yes, sir?

What's the latest news from New York? Oh, New York? Things seem to be going okay, sir. We haven't had any communications in a couple days, but I'm sure we're going to have some news soon. Nothing about the prototype? The prototype. Funny you mention it, sir. We do have a message about the prototype that just came in minutes ago. Ah, feel free.

Okay. I'll bring it. Here we go. Edits and telegram from Miss Lucy Thornbottom. Oh, she's one of our best researchers we've got on. Regarding the prototype. Would you like me to read it to you, sir, or would you like to read it? Read it aloud. My eyes are failing. Okay.

It's a low light. Your words, not mine. Okay. Here we go. Dear, stop, sir, stop. Oh, already she's pretty jumpy. The prototype is good. Stop.

Fantastic. We'll see how it gets going once we start it. Stop. Haven't tried it yet. Stop. But hopefully it will be good. Stop. Oh, are you...

And that's the entire message, sir. Would you like to send a reply? I would, Thomas, my boy. I would. I don't... What do you think? I mean, she's one of our best researchers. You know, I want to give her space to develop at her own pace. But, I mean, there's a war on, don't you think? I mean, she's one of our best researchers. You know, I want to give her space to develop in her own pace. But I mean, there's a war on, don't you know? We've got serious business

to attend to. I mean, this prototype, it's important. I mean, it's important. And sir, could you please remind me what this prototype does? You've kept this all under such tight lock and key for the past couple of months. Thomas, I wish I could tell you, but Congress, you see, I mean, there's an order coming down. I'd get in big trouble if I told you. Is it a bomb? Well, let's just say it's going to be a bombshell when it drops. When the word spreads what it is, it's going to be a bomb. So it is a bomb, sir.

Get ready to type. Okay. Dear Dr. Thornbottom, stop. Thrilled to hear you're making progress, stop. Although a little alarmed to know you haven't actually tested it yet, stop. Please provide actual test results at your soonest convenience, stop. There's a war on, stop. Don't you know, stop.

There's a war on, stop. Did you know that, stop. Oh, sorry stop don't you know stop there's a war on stop did you know that oh sorry don't you know yeah yeah cut to two days later sir sir a correspondence from miss lucy thornbottom all right thomas my boy give it to me okay whiskey uh thank you, sir. I'm not drinking. The wife and I are trying to conceive. Well, I hear that's good to not drink when you're trying to conceive. I hear that it can give you impotence. I hear that the whiskey kills the little swimmers, sir. Never had that for me myself. I mean, my wife, you know, we popped out many a little one.

And, well, I was sloshed the whole time. I understand that, sir. Wet my whistle if you don't mind. Yes. No, sir. This is your office. It is your whiskey. Go right ahead. I will read the... Close the door while I'm sure this is classified. Oh, yes, of course. All righty.

Close the door. Okay. Dear sir, stop. Right. You seem to misunderstand me. Stop. The prototype is looking promising. Stop. What more news do you need other than we've got a pretty good feeling about this? Can't you just chill out?

It's all fun and games at the end of the day. Just kidding. LOL. Stop. Oh, wow. I think that means laugh out loud, sir. Wow, first I'm hearing about that. I'm concerned, Thomas. I'm concerned. Oh, it's not done yet, sir. Oh, well, keep reading. We will start testing it when we get around to it.

Things have been pretty crazy over here. We're having a lot of fun. You should really come by. How are things with you? You seem really stressed. Maybe we could take your mind off things for a while. Oh my gosh, sir, do you want me to keep reading this? Yes, yeah, of course! Uh, maybe I should leave you- No, read them out loud.

Uh, okay. Loud and clear, loud and proud, my boy, Thomas. Your letters, they seem tense. Maybe if you come over to New York, we can loosen you up a little bit your shoulders i mean and maybe some other things question mark well no so they loosen anyway we think the bomb will be a great success stop okay um mom's a cold word thomas don't get your panties in a twist i nothing to worry about. Sir, I love, I have great admiration for your wife.

And as a gentleman, I feel as though this correspondence you have with Miss Thornbottom is not appropriate. I completely agree. I don't know what the hell she's on about. Okay. I've never thought about it that way one day in my life. I think it's a side effect. Of? Well, of what they're developing over there, son.

Of the bomb? Well, Thomas, it's not just any bomb. It's a love bomb, see? Drop it on the enemy, they start kissing. Can't stop. They won't eat. They won't drink. They won't sleep.

They are so obsessed with kissing. Oh, my God. It's quite a powerful tool, and it's what we're going to use. Well, that seems pretty remarkable, sir. Well, Thomas, my boy, I'm worried that... That's like coming out of a storybook, if I'm being honest. Storybook or nightmare? Thomas, my boy, I...

You don't like kissing, sir? I love the stuff with my wife. Of course. I wouldn't dare to presume. She's a colleague, and I think she's just... What'd I call her? A Thornberry? Oh, that was an explorer I used to know.

Sorry, I got muddled. Thomas, I think we need to take a trip out there, New York. See what's going on. See our boots on the ground. See it for ourselves. Should we bring your wife? No, it's no trip for a lady. You ever been to New York. See what's going on. See your boots on the ground. See it for ourselves. Should we bring your wife? No, it's no trip for a lady. You ever been to New York?

Well, I mean, Miss Thornbottom's out there right now. Oh, it's Bedlam out there. Okay, well, maybe I should accompany you, sir. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Okay, just... I know that means you're leaving that wife of yours behind, friend for herself. Not going to get pregnant on her own,

so I'll give you a bonus for this. Oh, well, thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Appreciate your dedication to the company and to the project. Of course, sir. Let's take our trip. Go. I hate this place.

Come on, sir. It's not all bad. It's pretty exciting if you ask me. Oh, Thomas, what you get to my age, you realize New York, it's big, it's loud, and it stinks to high heaven. I think I'm getting kind of a feeling for it, sir. Yeah, that's what they all say. We get to the office.

Knock, knock, knock. Hello, boys. Now, Miss Thornbottom, that's enough. Miss Thornbottom? This can't possibly be renowned physicist Miss Lucy Thornbottom. Of course it is, Thomas. What are you on about?

Of course it's me, you crazy ass. What are you talking about? Come here. Why don't you give me a kiss and I'll show you what to do. Now, now, Miss Thornbottom, Thomas is a married man. I am a married man. Well, that never stopped any of the boys in here, did it, fellas? No, no, no.

I've been very clear with you, Miss Thornbottom, from the very first. Oh, tell me about it, Daddy. Now, boys, boys, put your clothes on and see. I don't need to see all that. I'm sorry. It's just so hot in here. We all have our clothes off. I'm aware.

It's more wider. Everyone on the factory floor is... Oh, my word. It's Sodom Everyone on the Oh my word. It's Sodom and Gomorrah in here. Well, it can be. Oh, Miss Thornberry. Miss Thornbottom. Mrs. Hornybottom.

I need you to listen here and I need you to listen close. There's a war on, don't you know? No, stay right there. There's a war on, don't you know? As close as you want. No, stay right there. There's a war on, don't you know? Okay. Well, yeah, you mention it in every letter, and that's how we're making this amazing device. We're going to get a snap out of it.

The Dr. Thornbottom I know, she wouldn't even take her shoes off in the presence of another man. Oh, I get it. All you men think is that women doctors can't want to kiss. Well, too bad for you. What? Just because we like science, we also want to kiss now, too. And that's by your doing, sir. Because you're the one who commissioned this love bomb, sir.

So if you don't want to get in and give us all a little smooch on the face, or anywhere else for that matter, then why don't you come in here anyway, because we'll do it to you. Miss Thornbottom, I swear to all that is mighty in heaven, I'm gonna... I think I might have to pull the plug on this thing. Oh, sir, but you said this is a very important, delicate mission. No, Thomas, I'm serious.

You know, there's such thing as a weapon that's too powerful. You know, it's a threat at home as well as abroad. And I'm nervous. See, I'm sweating. Nothing's more powerful than a smooch. Oh, Miss Thornbottom, there's plenty of things more powerful than a smooch. Power to corrupt. Like a smooch with tongue.

A French kiss. Oh, Miss Thornbottom, you're making me sick to my stomach. I need you to stop this kind of behavior right now. Sir, as very crass and profane as Miss Thornbottom is becoming, I think this is a pretty profound contraption. I mean, if we drop this love potion on the enemy and they all just resort to kissing each other, we could probably solve, we could achieve world peace.

Well, Thomas, yeah, of course, but you're not thinking about it. What are the pilots? You know, they got the bomb in the back, the love bomb in the back, and they're, you know, so overcome with the side effects, they start sucking and fucking right there in the cockpit. Sir! They crash their goddamn plane.

Oh, that's more like it. No, I'm serious, Thomas and Miss Thornbottom. I think there's a serious issue going on here. And I just don't know if we can in good conscience use this weapon. I mean, it's certainly not until we develop some sort of antidote. You know, I mean, what I'm worried about, Thomas, is that Miss Thornbottom here, her condition, it might be irreversible. She might be perpetually horned up for the rest of her God-given days on this beautiful green-blue marble. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Look at her. She's a desperate creature. Can we sidebar for a second, sir? Of course. Sir, look at all that. Look at the little lookout windows. Every scientist just sucking face. Look at them. Sir, why would they need an antidote for this?

This is world peace at its finest. This is love. This is what humans were built to do. I don't know, Thomas. Sometimes I feel like a silly old man. Call me traditional, but, you know, when everybody's sucking face, you know, we're busy and getting naked and going down on one another.

It makes me nervous. No, I'm serious, Thomas. I'm serious. Who's left? You know, who's going to drive the trains? You know, who's going to teach the children in school? Who's going to fly the planes? I mean, there's a war on.

Sir, I understand there's a war on. But also, people will grow tired of kissing at some point. It's not just going to be kissing this, kissing that. Oh, really? And no jobs will go on as normal. Look at Miss Thornbottom. Her lips are bleeding. They're bloody.

They're raw. She's been kissing for so many hours. Sir, would you rather this or the alternative? People are dying, sir. And with this love potion, would you rather people be sucking face or sucking dirt when they're six feet under? Oh, Thomas, you got a point, my son. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a silly old man, but...

Sir, are you worried that no one's going to want to kiss you? No, no. Thomas, you know, you might not believe it, but back in my day, I was quite the Casanova. Well, also, I mean, Miss Thornbottom did just say she wanted you to come in and take your clothes off. Right, right. I don't think there's any doubt that I would, you know, I could get some. Get some. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But, but, but, But, Thomas, I... Because you are the one who's going to give the green light on this. If you pull the plug now, this whole project goes under, and that's by your hand. Thomas, you'll understand one day what it's like to have the whole world in the palm of your hand. You know, you spend your whole career striving for control, for power. Pull the levers behind the scenes. Climb this corporate ladder.

I did it all. Got to the tippy top. I thought it was what I wanted. And I don't know. I don't know if any one man should be making these kind of decisions. As you're talking to naked scientists, you're rubbing themselves up on the windows. No. Come and get us.

Oh, Thomas, I don't know. What do you think? Sir, I'm staunchly on Team Kiss. You don't think we should let this bomb loose on the world? Just see what happens if every... everybody is kissing!

Starts kissing, yes. I'm Team kiss through and through And I know my wife would back me up on that My wife, sir, she loves to kiss As do I, as a matter of fact Kissing other people, though, outside the bonds of marriage No, but if we get the whole world kissing Just think of what this planet could be like

Well, Thomas, I'm an old man. I'm a silly one at that. You've said that so many times, sir. I didn't think of you like that before, but the amount of times in this conversation that you've said, I'm just a silly old man. I'm 79, Thomas. It makes me nervous.

I'm 79. I smoke a carton of cigars a day. I drink a bottle of whiskey an hour. I'm sick. smoke a carton of cigars a day I drink a bottle of whiskey an hour I'm sick I've been sick my time on this earth is not long so I can decide oh let's make everybody suck and fuck for the rest of time

and it won't affect me one god damn now wait one more second Thomas let me finish here I don't give a fuck sir it's not my world. I'm dead. I'm going up to the pearly gates. I'm going to be sucking off. Sir, stop it.

I'm going to be sucking and fucking all day long in heaven, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. But down here on Earth, that's your world to inherit. Well, sir, that sounds like a little slice of heaven to me. And if you decide... If I'm down here sucking and fornicating like you said, that seems pretty good. That's your choice.

No, it's your choice, sir. No, sir. No, sir. If that is the choice that you make here today, if that's the world you want to inherit, I'm... That is your choice, sir. No, Thomas, I'm abdicating responsibility. I resign here today and I formally make you CEO. Beautiful.

I put on loudspeaker. Everyone, everyone listen. Stop sucking and fucking for one moment, please. It's me, Thomas Blythe. And I am here to inform you I am now the CEO of this company. And it's a go. We are ready. We do not need to have any more tests. Relief

the love potion to the world. And soon everyone will know the power of a kiss. Thank you. And God bless our universe. Cut to the press conference. Well, as many of you know, as many of you know,

there's been something released on this country, on this world today. There was a lot of back and forth about whether or not we wanted to do it. I realize I am become sucker, fucker of worlds. That was really great That ending was perfect Oh my god

I love how they were sending telegrams But then were able to do a press conference Right and it's like what war It's like World War 2 We were well beyond the telegram But I don't know Let's take a break and we'll come back with more sunflower reviews. Oh, that's what that was for.

This is from JC. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. We already did it. Oh, man. Recently. Jesus Christ we already did it recently it is from June Carter

June Carter cash 5 stars I'm getting garage delivery and I don't want it tried calling about it twice product is great I'm getting garage delivery and I don't want it. Tried calling about it twice. Product is great.

Don't leave anything in my garage. I've called twice about this matter. It's up to you to disable this feature. I don't want it. Hello, Amazon Delivery Services. How can we help you today? Hi, yeah. You know, first off, I just want to say, like, I don't normally do this. Like, I'm not this guy.

Um, sorry. Didn't catch that. Sorry. Gonna ask one more time. Amazon Delivery Services. How can we help you today? Yeah, I just wanted to, like, set the record straight before we get started. I'm not the kind of person who's, you know, I'm not a Karen or anything. My name's... I don't need your number. I just need the order number. What are you looking to return? Okay. Well, it's not a return.

I love the product. I'm keeping it, and I'm probably going to order more. Oh, fantastic. Well, then, thank you so much. I hope you have a wonderful day. No, no, excuse me, sir. Are you still there? Uh, yes. Good. Yeah, so, I was calling not because I'm trying to return anything.

I just have a complaint about a driver. Oh, God. A deliverer. A deliverer. What's the word? Deliverer? That can't be right. A delivery driver.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Yeah. Um, sorry, let me get your name. This is, this is, we take these matters very, very seriously. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, I'm, I'm, I'm Leon. Um, what is your name?

Okay. Um, my name's Carmen. Carmen, um, thank you so much for calling us. I'm so sorry. God, how can we help you? Yeah. Um, so it started out normal. Um, I'm on the subscribe and save.

Um, so... Well, thank you for being a subscription-based customer. Yeah. Every two weeks, I get a box of Tide Pods and a case of sunflower seeds. Okay. Those are my subscribe and save items for now. That's all right, yeah. I'm thinking of adding sunscreen.

Anyway, so it started normal. It started normal? Yeah, for the first few weeks they were coming, you know, they'd leave them on the front steps or... Yeah, under the mailbox, you know, where packages go. And then, well, things started to get a little strange. Cut to outside of her house. Package it. She's going into the garage.

Package in the garage. That's funny. I don't remember bringing this in. Mom, can we go? I'm going to be late for soccer. Yeah, one minute. Rod. Rod.

This is odd, though. I don't remember. Hey, Rod. This is odd, though. I don't remember. Hey, Rod. Yeah? Did you bring this package in? Did you see Mommy's package on the front lawn and you brought it in the garage? Oh, the package was in the garage when I came in to get my cleats. Can we go?

I'm going to be late. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, let's go. Cut to the next day. Well, this is odd. It already came. Last two weeks. Must have double sent.

Mom, can we go? I'm going to be late for lacrosse. Okay, let's go. Two weeks later. Wake up in the middle of the night. Steven. What? Steven.

Wake up. Wake up. What? Wake up. What is it? There's a noise downstairs. Oh, I'm sure it's just Rod looking for a little midnight snack. Will you go look at it?

Will you go look at it? Will you go look at it? Yeah, okay, if it'll make my honey feel better. Take the gun. Honey, I can... I'm serious. Okay, which one should I take? The Colt.45? Your favorite.

Okay, I'll take this one. Be careful. I always am. Okay. Oh shit, the safety's off. Hold on, let me put that back. Turn that back on. Go downstairs.

Hey, Rod, if it's you, hey, don't shoot the messenger. Mommy told me to come down and check. Oh my, who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Um, I'm Todd. Todd, what the fuck are you doing in my house?

Yeah, I'm your Amazon delivery driver. Todd, I'm gonna need you. Todd, I'm gonna need you to back the fuck up. I'm going to need you to get out of my house immediately. How the hell did you get in here? Dog door. We don't have a dog. Yeah, I made one.

Todd, I'm going to ask you to leave right now. Okay. Thank you for being an Amazon Prime subscribe and save member. Get the fuck out of our house. See you in two weeks. No, you won't. And we're going to make sure you don't. Honey, honey.

Yeah, what was it? We need to cancel all of your Amazon subscriptions. What? It was a delivery driver. He was in our house. It was Todd. Are you serious? Yes.

He said he made a dog door so that he could come in and out and drop it in the garage. That's how your practice happened. I was wondering what that hole was. Yes. Yes. We were all wondering what the hole was. I thought it was Rod just being a little scamp. Well, I thought he was prepping.

He loves prepping. He's a prepper. Honey, you need to cancel subscriptions and we need to get on the app right now. I'm canceling. Two weeks later. Steven. Steven. What? Steven, wake up. What is it?

Something in the attic There's something in the attic Oh god, I bet it's Rod He started prepping in the attic recently But I'll go check it out It doesn't sound like spelunking practice It sounds different Okay

Go up there I'm going But don't forget The cult 45? You need something bigger Different. Okay. Go up there. I'm going. But don't forget. The Colt.45? You need something bigger. Like? M16?

I didn't even know he had one of those. I bought it after last time. Okay. God, well, hopefully I never have to use it. Hello? Hello? Hello? If anyone's up here,

don't be. Well, how do you expect me to get down? Oh my God! Oh my God! Todd, you need... How the fuck... How the fuck... How the fuck did you get up here?

Thanks for being an Amazon Prime subscribe and save member. Todd, I'm going to call the police. This one's on us. Todd, I need you to get... How the fuck did you get in this time we closed the dog door skylight you made a skylight that's why it's been looking so beautiful and airy in here i'll see you in two weeks no you won't sleep tight stephen how the do you know

i don't even have an amazon account cut back to the call oh my god so yeah he's just like been showing up and he's not scared of the gun he's not scared of anything um let me just look uh let me look up and like i said i don't normally do this i'm not trying to get anyone in trouble. I'm sure he's just doing his job, but we're getting kind of freaked out. What is it? That's not possible, Leon. Look, is there some other database you can search through? I've tried every one. I've tried every variation, but I don't think he's an Amazon driver.

You're not... You're just covering your ass. No, I swear. Here. You corporations are like this. Open your computer. Let me screen share. Okay. See? Look, nothing. That doesn't make any sense.

Do you know of anybody who might want to get into your house for any kind of reason? No, I mean, we're the best family. Everyone in the neighborhood loves us. Sometimes the people who say that they're the best family are often not the best family. In my experience, if you were the best family, you wouldn't have to say we're the best family. But we're picture perfect. American dream. You ever hear a picture-perfect family call themselves picture-perfect? Yeah, I mean us. Right. Why don't you try asking some of your neighbors? I bet there's more to them than meets the eye.

Okay. Thanks, Leon. This has been really helpful. Of course. And anything we can do, we will do. But a lot of this stuff is now out of our hands, and you should really call the fbi do you have that number you google it okay well hi honey it's been so long oh my god rod hasn't come over to play with with bethann and and charlton in a while what brings you over well um it's like sorry scamander it's it's i'm nervous um oh honey don't be nervous come on come and sit down you can tell old scamander anything

you know that yeah um well have you been experiencing anything weird recently? Anything weird? Try my husband's wanted to have sex two times a week. How weird is that? That seems normal. Not in this house, I'll tell you what. Do you want more or less? I'm unclear.

You know what? I'm kind of unclear as well. That number seems so... Could be either. When it's happening i'm just thinking oh is it this is not too bad but it kind of just knocks the wind out of me a lot of times i mean he's a strong guy he's a strong guy ace commander um i had a thing i wanted to talk to you about but but this seems pressing you should be more enthusiastic than

just oh this is fine i guess oh no when it's good it's good and then when it's bad enthusiastic than just, oh, this is fine, I guess. Oh, no, when it's good, it's good. And then when it's bad, it's just like, oh, God, this again. But no, honey, you seem like, God, you're white as a ghost. What happened? So you haven't had any packages go missing

or show up in places they shouldn't? Well, I know a package that showed up in places it shouldn't. I tried my husband last Thursday. What did he did he do with his stuck it in the ass sweetheart oh commander i i he didn't he didn't ask no he did and i said yes i just wasn't expecting it okay i guess that's fine um honey are you okay? Have you seen this man?

Oh my god Do you recognize him? That He's been showing up around the house He says he works for Amazon, but they have no record of him Oh Jesus, oh Jesus Commander, do you know who this is? I really, I thought this day would, I knew, well, I knew this day would come.

I just didn't know it'd be so soon. That's my nephew, Todd. Yes, Todd. He's always had a dream of working for Amazon. He loves it more than anything. And everything about, I mean, my God, ever since he was little, it's been Amazon birthday. Well, first it was Zappos, you know, start with Zappos.

It was Zappos birthday. Zappos, yeah. And then Amazon birthdays. And then, you know, Amazon career day. Every single part of him. He said he wanted to bring everything to anybody anywhere that has been his whole thing and so once he started the truck coming to your house twice you know every two weeks he thought that could be me and i just didn't know that he would start doing this as

soon as he did um you knew about this i knew that he wanted to break into your house, but I didn't think that it would happen until a couple years down the line. I mean, he's only a boy. He's only 16. I'm sorry. I don't normally do this. I'm not this kind of person, but I think I have to call the FBI on him. Oh, no.

Oh, please don't. Scamander, I'm sorry. He seems very dangerous. I mean, he doesn't have a gun or nothing. No, but he's cutting his way into our house through every which way. But you can't be dangerous without a gun, honey. Everybody knows that. And you can't be safe without one either. Honey, maybe I should be calling the FBI on your ass.

What the hell did you just say? Miss Commander, all this stuff you're saying about your husband, if I were you, I'd buy a piece. Honey, just because my husband wants to put it in the rum doesn't mean I need to pull out a piece on him. I'm just saying, you never know when it can come in handy. And don't, please don't jump off the word handy there and say something else about your husband. They both pick up the phones to call the FBI at the same time.

Hello, FBI, this is Commander Newton. I'm calling on account of my next door neighbor Hello, this is My name is Carmen San Diego and I'm calling About Commander Nephew Todd Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies

I'm gonna have to put one of you On hold Listen Which one's more pressing? Whatever one that is, I'll deal with it first I'm going to have to put one of you on hold. Listen, which one's more pressing? Whatever one that is, I'll deal with it first. Mine. He's breaking into my house. Mine.

She wants to shoot my husband for fucking me in the ass. We're going to have to go with Carmen Sandiego because chucking your wife in the ass is not a crime. Thank you. Should we do our last segment? Please. Please.

This shook me Please This Shook me All week long Took me All week long And it shook me and it shook me And I kissed everybody on the face And then we fucked in the ass Kissing's

Over Now this is kissing in the ass. Kissing's over. Now this is kissing. What have we done? Everyone's snogging. A new snog's just begun. Snog's just begun.

What have you shaken your little rumpus? Well well what's been making my rumpus move back and forth so damn much my husband can't resist um is scamander newton is one of the worst fucking things either of us has ever said. It's the Scamander. It's Scamander. Scamander Newton, whose husband can't stop fucking her in the ass. Cannot. Won't be

soft. What's been shaking your little Scamander? I will say, by the time this comes out, I believe it will be, on what is christmas uh this is coming out on the 19th um is it yes oh wait yes last week okay so uh survivor 46 is airing on wednesday nights and what's shaking me is that um the first of three episodes that i worked on in post was

last week. And so it's very exciting. Hell yeah. So by this time, it has already come out. And it's a great season. And I'm really, I'm very excited about the season. What's shaking me is this season. Take it from me.

I had never watched a season of Survivor until Survivor 44. I guess it was. So three seasons ago. And I, uh, was thinking like, there's been 40 seasons of the show. It'll be impossible to get into.

I won't understand all the lore, all the references. All contraire. It's so fucking good. I love it so much. Everyone should be watching it. catch up, send me your winter picks. It's such winner picks it's such a it's such

a fun season and i'm just having a fucking blast and i love it sorry it's earnest woo earnest earnest alert earnest alert that's what i say when um you're watching an oscar wilde play yeah i was gonna do the same yeah i know same shit same shit different ass what's been shaking you i have gone first for the past couple weeks not weeks darling months my love yeah that's true i guess what's shaking me is i used to have a dishwasher and now i don't have a dishwasher anymore i used to live in an apartment that had a dishwasher and i used to live in an apartment that had in unit washer and dryer and it was it was perfect i loved my life um all i had to do

all i had to do was live in a neighborhood that was incredibly inaccessible by public transit and that was really far away from anything i i needed to be doing um but now i live in an apartment that does not have a dishwasher it does not have any unit laundry and i am back to that coin operated laundry life i'm back to washing my dishes by hand and it's really hard and i would so much rather have the machines. And I guess what's shaking me is that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. That life passes you by. You don't have a dishwasher. And when I had a dishwasher, I was like, la, la, la.

La, la, la. Oh, dishes. Why would you ever complain about doing dishes? It's the easiest thing in the world. You just go sploosh, sploosh, sploosh. And a machine does the rest. It's like, what the fuck? Oh, I'll do fuck oh i'll do laundry in your building i do but it's four flights yeah that's four flights of stairs and my laundry's heavy because it's all wet what it's soaked

from what from all the water wait carrying and you can find right yeah go on then do you want to know why the why it's wet yeah a lot of my laundry gets wet because i don't want to talk about this this is is mortifying. I go to the gym. Okay. And I sweat so fucking much. No, it's worse than you think. And I hate the idea of it sitting in the hamper, like sweaty.

Yeah, I get that. So I'll take it and I'll rinse it in the sink so that it's like rinsed. And so the sweat's off it. But now it's soaked. It's a wet shirt now and then i just throw it in the fucking hamper like a fucking like a disgusting little troll man and i try and dry them out you know i'll put them on the radiator or hang them up in the shower oh i know why are you that's grosser than just i know you remember um i'll mouth the name so that i don't you know what i'm talking about you remember who i'm talking about we went to college with somebody who did put all of his

laundry away at one time for christmas break and then he came back and it was all moldy fucking no but it's so hard like genuinely, I am not by any means financially solvent. I'm constantly struggling with money. That's vulnerable. That's real. I considered. I was like, what do I have to change about my life that I could afford to send my laundry out? You know, and the answer was, I can't afford that.

There's no way i can afford that but i the fact that i considered it it's like i'm not a grown-up i feel i feel i feel so underprepared to be alive you can find alfred on instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit Reddit, slash ReviewReview, Discord, ReviewReview, and Jeffrey James. I have a Patreon, patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff.

You can find Riley on Instagram.com, you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley and Spa, and on Twitter.com, now known as xxxxxxxxx.com, for as long as it lasts,

at RileyCoyote. And as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it, we're never not saying it I am become smooch smooch I am become sucker fucker of world yeah i become sucker fucker of world

somebody teach me how to be an adult please bye bye that was a hit gum original