Review Revue - Target
Episode Date: August 1, 2023Alf and Reilly become London's top paid executives at Virgin airlines. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here! Produced by Daniel Ramos @...Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Original.
Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now.
Let's break it down.
My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course.
And don't forget the fries and a drink.
Sound good?
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
At participating restaurants for a limited time. Freaking crush on rats isn't overheard
Gasping at glimpses of Al's yellow Sharpie
So script tripping on his thought
Only to trip on stage
in junior high
wordlessly
watching he waits
by her window
and wonders
will they start the podcast
soon heartlessly and wonders when they start the podcast soon
Heartlessly Riley
forgot to
record now
she scurries
she'll be ready by June
of
2025
they are Of 2025 They are one podcast
They are two on the phone
They are three when they have another guest
They are four when they have two guests
Review, review When they have two guests Refuse, refuse
Oh my god, I...
That was really, like, I feel like I went to a spa.
And I don't know if that was, like, the intention of the song,
but, like, that's what it feels like in my body, if that makes sense.
Hang on, my assistant is here. Let me see what my assistant.
No.
No.
Oh.
No.
No, sorry.
I don't want him to come back.
No, my assistant, he's here.
Hang on.
What?
Craig?
Craig?
Yes?
Oh.
Oh, he's actually bringing me a tear to my eye.
Oh.
Sorry.
That one.
God, that was such a long, long, short letter.
You thought it was the cat.
You thought it was the cat again, didn't you?
I thought you were bringing the cat,
but that song was a helplessly hoping cover by Crosby,
Stills and Nash from Ryan.
Thank you,
Ryan.
And he says,
P.S.
I don't know if Alf ever actually tripped on stage in junior high,
but it's in the song.
So it's officially happened now.
I think.
Let's be very clear about one thing.
I tripped on stage.
I'm sure you did.
I'm sure you did.
I tripped on every conceivable stage any
platform during every conceivable stage of life i 100 love to trip
it's so hard i can barely think i feel so awful i'm so sticky and I just feel every no part of my body
is at peace. This is
horrid. The world is on high
broil and we'll all be
dead soon. This
planet's on fire.
It is
so hot.
And today actually is the most
mild it's been in LA for the past like week and a half.
It was 97 degrees in Chicago, Illinois today.
Yeah, no, that ain't right.
That is not right.
We are not built for it.
I am not built for it.
No, it's brutal.
It's brutal.
My God, I am just, I feel disgusting.
Yes.
And I am on, sorry, I'm on my period.
Oh, sorry. Sorry. oh sorry sorry apologizing because that's what i've been conditioned to do you don't need to apologize hey not here
um but to be on one's period and in a heat wave it's just i mean for anybody he was brutal but
i'm like for me it's really hard.
No, it is.
I am just miserable.
And I know we're all miserable about it.
But weirdly enough, it's like, it's hardest on me personally.
You think you're having the hardest time ever with everything.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Alf, other than the extreme, ungodly, terrifying, climate anxiety-inducing heat,
you're in your new apartment.
I am.
You're thrilled?
My old apartment had central air conditioning.
You don't have AC?
I have a window unit, Mama, that I simply have to turn off while we record
because it's the loudest,ickety rickety thing ever
i'm i'm uh yeah no i'm good i'm happy to have moved i'm sad to have moved um it's it's what
um i've come up with this new word um it's called sour sweet it's like when something's like a
little bit good and it's like a little bit what? Is this your first time living alone?
Physically, yes.
No, I, yes, this is my first time living alone.
How is it?
How are you liking it?
You know, people who know me and frankly those who don't know that I'm a social butterfree.
Oh my God. I'm quite the social Butterfree
Pokemon
You suck
I know
And yeah it's weird
But also you know
It's kind of nice to like
You know your kitchens
But a stone's throw from your bed
When you live in a studio apartment
No it's nice
It reminds frankly
It reminds me of college it reminds me of college.
It reminds me of living in a dorm because it's like every-
And that feels good.
Because every single one of my possessions is within eyesight of another possession.
But no, it's in a much more, I'm literally, well, I don't want to actually say this because
I'm going to dox myself, but I'm very-
And what's your exact address?
And it is 666- Well, I'm thrilled for you. myself but I'm very. And what's your exact address? And it is 666.
Well I'm thrilled for you. Highway to hell.
Oh my god.
You just called yourself a social
butterfree and your address
is hell. I'm sorry.
I feel like can I just say
you know I think we've said things like
this before where we've done like
this is going to be the funniest episode
or like this is going to be the highest energy or the lowest energy i feel confident in saying and i don't want
to speak for you but i will speak for myself i feel confident in saying this will be my cringiest
episode we've ever done that is not the word i was expecting you to say. I intend, well, and frankly, it's whether I intend it or not.
I feel as though I'm going to be awful today.
Cringy.
Why cringy?
I just think, well, it's like I just said something.
I think the exact phrase was social butterfree.
And if that's kind of a sign.
You know what?
The phrase itself wasn't the cringe.
What the cringe was, was you explaining the joke afterwards.
I know.
Pokemon.
Do you know that there are people still playing Pokemon Go?
I know people still playing Pokemon Go.
I feel like I was like super out of the loop on this.
I was like hanging out with a group of people the other day.
And I was like, one of them was playing Pokemon Go, and I was, like, whoa.
Retro.
Nice.
Pokemon Go.
Retro.
And then, like, everybody else in the group was, like, oh, no, I know loads of people who placed.
And I'm, like, what the?
How did I miss that?
I only know one person who still plays.
Yeah.
I guess I never played it, if I'm being honest.
I didn't have a phone.
I think I played it for, like, a day.
I didn't have a phone at the time that could run it, to be honest.
Yeah, you didn't.
And so I just kind of missed it.
And I felt like it was over pretty quick.
But apparently not.
How was your week, huh?
Did you play any Pokemon Go?
Didn't play any Pokemon Go.
But what I did do, what Elizabeth, friend of the pod and of life Elizabeth Valenti and I did,
we got tickets.
We're going to Disneyland next week, baby.
No way.
We're very excited.
No way.
We got, we're just, we're not doing a park hopper.
We're just doing a one day.
Haven't been in years.
And of course we got like for Disneyland,
we got like, you know, the cheapest option of a ticket.
Just four grand a day.
Just $4,000 an hour.
$4,000 an hour.
That's the cheapest budget friendly.
And ultimately, I just checked the weather.
It is going to be 96 degrees on the day that we go.
So maybe not the smartest move.
Are you going to be going in your full mandalorian cosplay
there will be someone imagine imagine i can't i genuinely i can't imagine that must be an awful
situation to be like in the goofy like having to be like i want to die i would and you're like
dying of heat the internal temperature of the suit's 140 degrees yeah
no like
unbelievable
but yeah
I've just been
working
and
my dad's in town
so I've been
hanging with him
hanging with dad
I'm trying to think
of what else
been dog sitting
my neighbor's dog
a lot
which is my
favorite thing
in the world
I wish I had a dog
and it's just nice
to have like
a little guy around.
I, um...
And Daniel, of course.
What does that mean?
It's so hot.
You're doing
the cringy thing too.
I know.
It's the heat.
Why is it the heat?
You know what I think it is?
Ew, why is the heat
making us cringe?
I think genuinely
my theory...
That's awful.
My theory is...
Oh no, it's spreading.
No, I do think it's that we're
delirious i think we are genuinely dehydrated to the point of kind of impaired function um
well you know a place where you can get hydrated um you can get hydrated but you could also get
an nintendo switch an oxygen bar do you remember those yes those are like still in vegas and like in some airports you can get
food food you can get a nintendo switch you can get an aux cord you know what else you can get
liquid iv a lot a lot of the time starbucks you can get starbucks for sure you can get clothes
you can get you can get you can get a little What are they called? Interior decorations for your
dorm. What are they called? Those fucking dogs.
The terriers that they use in the ads.
The bull terriers? Yeah, you can get a bull
You can't get a bull terrier. Do some Targets
have pets? No. No.
No, no Targets have pets. We're talking about Targets!
And no, Target is not a pet store.
That's just their I was gonna say icon. That's just their, I was going to say icon.
That's just their mascot.
That's just their icon.
No, I think I was thinking of a pet store.
Alf, do not tell me that you have reviews for pet stores.
No, I do.
I have Target.
It's a repeat of yesterday.
Oh my God.
Yesterday.
That was fully a week and a half ago.
Alf, talk to me about Target.
There's a genuinely,
because of the number of podcasts
that are produced in LA
and because of the temperature
of the city of LA,
genuinely half of all podcasts have at least one episode where the entirety of
it is people complaining about how hot it is.
And I'm really,
and I'm really,
and I'm really aware of that.
And I'm really trying to not have this whole episode just be us talking about
the physical discomfort we're experiencing,
but Riley can see I'm shining.
I am glistening.
I am shining bright like a diamond.
Alf, talk to me about Target.
I love Target.
I go all the freaking time.
There is a Target.
Well, not anymore.
I moved, but there was a Target not like 10 minutes from my house,
and it was incredibly convenient.
It was one of the super duper Targets that have like –
Oh, I was going to say, is it a city target or like one of the capital T targets?
No, no, no. It has a pharmacy in it.
It has a grocery section.
It has like an expansive
collection of items.
Very cool. And what it really had,
which was my favorite part,
was the whole target was
built on top of a parking garage.
This is gonna be so fucking
this one's going to be tough
man for everybody.
What it did have, what it did have, come on
focus up, focus up team, focus up, focus up.
What it did have, what it does have is
everything's built on the second floor because it's built on top
of a parking garage.
And so you have to take escalators
or elevators to get up.
As a result of this,
they have escalators for your shopping cart,
which I think is very nifty
because it's literally a separate escalator
next to the escalator.
This whole lead up was to talk about
an escalator for shopping carts.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you for real?
That whole thing
was a lead up to
talking about...
Oh my god.
I know what you mean though. Those are cool and they're very funny.
They're kind of cool. The first time you see one of those
and you just see somebody kind of
shove a shopping cart
down an escalator. You're like,
no. That's what you're supposed to do.
I have
very specific memories of going to
Target with you. Oh, fuck. I even
forgot about that. I was leaving
when I was moving out and leaving
Boston to come back to LA
and I was packing up my college
apartment. Alf helped me.
It was very nice. We spent like a full day just like bubble wrapping
like my framed stuff on the walls and items, everything.
But the target that was like a block,
two blocks away from my old apartment
was like one of those tiny city targets
and they didn't have much.
And also it was like end of college semester.
Like everyone was moving or doing whatever.
And so there was like nary any bubble
wrap there and so i just remember about that we went in one day like back and forth to like three
separate targets together and just to buy bubble wrap and i just have that very specific memory
i also have i have a lot of target memories i didn't really go to target much before um
i was a cvs girly just because that was what was convenient um but then like once i went to I have a lot of Target memories. I didn't really go to Target much before.
I was a CVS girly just because that was what was convenient.
But then, like, once I went to college, my God, I love a Target.
I feel like it's a very, I don't know, I always had this idea of, like, it's a very, like, basic thing to be, like, I love walking around Target.
Live, laugh, Target.
It smells really good.
Even if I don't buy anything,
it's just the vibes are nice. Wait, what?
Wait, what?
No, I'm about to say something extremely bleak, which is I think
I ate more meals
at that Target
in college than at almost any
other
thing in the city of Boston.
Because when you would have like 15 minutes between,
you know,
two obligations and you would have to get dinner,
it was like,
I can either go to Target and get an entire gallon drum of trail mix for $4
and like a banana,
or I can go and get an eggplant parmesan sandwich
from the Boston House of Pizza
and have the worst heartburn of my life.
Yeah, heartburn.
Heartburn.
I think I might need to call an ambulance.
I feel awful.
No, I don't feel awful.
I feel great and I feel the most ready
to do improv that I've ever felt.
Can I admit something to everybody right now?
Yeah.
Before creating the Zoom,
I splashed my face with cold water
and I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror
and out loud, I'm alone in my apartment right now,
out loud, alone, I said,
it's time, it's time, it's time.
You did not do that.
Let's go.
You did not do that.
I swear on my fucking life.
What in the friday night light all right because all right
riley this is your one shot this is your one shot come on like very come on make coach oh my god
i put this mason jar full of water massive probably 24 ouncer in the freezer before we
started recording it is ice cold now love Love it. This is going to change
the whole trajectory of the episode.
I'm going to be so refreshed
after I sip this.
Ugh.
Your live reaction.
I'm allergic.
I'm allergic.
I've gotten used to the heat.
I'd like to do a review.
Yes.
I would like to do a review.
No, wait.
No way.
What?
She's doing a review.
That's crazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Four stars. This is for a Target. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit, she's doing a review.
Four stars.
This is for a Target.
All the reviews I have are for Target
at the University of Southern California, USC.
Yo, fight on.
Four stars from Kristen S.
Kristen Snake Eyes.
Kristen Snake Eyes.
You know what they call me down at the casino.
This will be the strangest target you will ever visit.
Imagine if a Japanese 7-Eleven and an American Target fell in love and had a child.
This child is this target.
Oh, you will be disoriented.
Yeah, you will be bewildered.
You will only have three options for toilet paper.
I hope your dorm room's color scheme is gray because it is now.
You don't have an apartment or house anymore.
You're 19 again.
I like this target anyway.
Why?
Its limited stock was useful
in eliminating some of my big box store decision paralysis.
Guess I'm getting this cutting board.
And it has all kinds of futuristic gestures
aimed at the youths.
A phone charging station.
I was too old and scared to put my 7% battery phone in.
More frozen pizza,
alcohol, and notebooks than sundries.
No baby things. No babies.
Just things to prevent them.
The crown
jewel that is almost
exclusively self-checkout.
The only chit-chat you have to make
is if you want to get Starbucks, which it also has.
You can get a cake pop with the Target's dog head on a stick.
Parking's free for two hours of validation.
Truthfully, you probably want to get that done at Trader Joe's because I can recall seeing either a val-
I can't recall either seeing a validation machine or an employee to ask where said machine is.
You'll probably need to visit Trader Joe's because there's not a va-
Sorry.
You'll probably need to revisit Trader Joe's because there's not a lot sorry you'll probably
need to revisit trader joe's because there's not a lot of ice cream here sometimes i'm assuming you
want ice cream i am exhausted by that i love it's like love no baby things no babies just things to prevent them it's just like there's something so uncomfortable about
somebody who's like incredibly obviously in their 30s 40s even going to a college space you know
what i mean yeah like oh i remember. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
No, wait.
Yeah, I was your age once, too.
Like, it's the whole thing is like.
You're so young.
It's like, no, but it's like 30s.
Right.
Like, at 40, you're young.
It's like 30s, like, but 30s.
And it's like, I also do understand
the gap between 19 and 30 is very,
it's like it is a different generation.
You heard it here first.
Riley has no problem with age gaps like that.
Riley wants 19 year olds to exclusively date over 30.
That's what she said.
I mean that it's like 30,
you are a very different level of maturity,
wisdom,
life experience.
Yeah.
But you're not,
you're not fucking 90.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Oh,
I don't even know what to do with all this pizza and alcohol
yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like it's like you it's like oh my god um they're selling a lot of frozen
pizza here this must be for the kids and it's like you're dialing me that you're 30 you're not
gonna buy frozen pizza something that just reminded me of, of like, it kind of felt like going into hypnosis
of like a, like a sense memory of like, you're 19 again, your dorm room is gray. You're disoriented,
but you feel alive. Yeah. It's like therapy in like a like a hypnosis therapy session.
Okay, Mr. Steele, I am Rebecca.
I'm going to be leading you through your transcendental... Sorry, was I not supposed to have my eyes closed yet?
No, you can.
I mean, you just walked into the room.
You can open your eyes.
Can I sit down before I close my eyes?
Please, I really wish you would.
I didn't know how I was supposed to sit down with my eyes closed.
That's okay.
Is this your first time in therapy
or any kind of hypnosis?
Yeah, believe it or not,
it's my first time being hypnotized.
My goodness.
Well, I'm so honored.
As shocking as that is, yes.
It is my first time ever being hypnotized.
Well, I'm very honored that you chose our office.
I know I look like the kind of guy
who does a lot of this kind of stuff,
this kind of more kind of, you know,
new age kind of stuff this kind of more kind of you know new wage kind of stuff but i'm not uh i'm not really good at this i promise we don't have any kind of idea or standard
of what anyone should look like you know stop stop shitting on yourself okay like to say in this in
this stop shitting stop shitting or you should it's like i
should be better i should close my eyes not my ears uh yes very good um so if you just want to
sit down can you no need to be nervous just to help me out could you give me a couple goals you
won't put anything in my shoes while my eyes are closed will you you? I've got this real thing about that.
I promise you, no foreign objects
will be placed into your shoes.
One time I was at sleepaway camp as a kid.
And also, you can even leave your shoes on.
I was at sleepaway camp as a kid,
and a kid put toothpaste in my shoe,
and I put it on,
and everyone called me mint toe lips.
I'm really sorry to hear that.
Hey, I see you're laughing.
And that might be a defense mechanism.
Because something like being called Mint Toe Lips can't have felt very good, could it?
No.
They made me kiss my foot.
Because it had toothpaste on it.
And they said, brush your teeth brush your teeth
mr steel i see on your intake form here that you wanted to have a um a journey through hypnosis to
kind of dive into trauma you experienced as a college student correct but i feel like today
the energy in the space is much more centered around mint toe lip.
So I'm happy to do anything.
No, no, no.
I'm over that.
I don't want you to think I'm still hung up on that.
I like think about it like at most like two, three times a day.
Mr. Steele, I think I have everything I need to begin this session with you.
If you wouldn't mind lying back on the couch, you can keep your shoes on.
You didn't really promise about the foot stuff, though.
Well, you are cutting me off, Mr. Steele.
Sorry.
I'm nervous.
I understand.
I'm trying to stop shitting myself.
No, you stop shitting on yourself.
Sorry, I should stop shitting.
I'm so scared. Okay. No gonna be i'm gonna do it i'm
gonna close my eyes i'm gonna let you mr steel you are going to be fine okay i'm closing now i'm a
little different other uh the other guided meditation therapists um than they feel that
if you want to this is this is a dialogue right this is not a me talking you through this and
you have to be silent the whole time this is if you have any thoughts or anything you want to say anything you'd like to
relive or things you wish you could have said speak that out loud speak that to me as i'm
walking you through this okay okay you can you can relax your face i see you're in a bit of a sneer
and i promise you you don't need to contort your face in any way for this process. It's like that feeling like someone's going to put something in your shoe.
You know that feeling?
I promise you, Mr. Steele, I cannot stress enough that nothing will be going in your shoes.
Close, close, close eyes.
Relaxed face.
Deep breath.
How old were you, Mr. Steele, when you were mint-toe-lip?
Eleven.
You are eleven years old again, Mr. Steele.
You are eleven years old.
You're sorry.
I heard weeks.
You are eleven years old.
Years old.
Okay.
You're at sleepaway camp.
You're arriving into your dorm room
With your bag
And you're so excited to do all the activities
Maybe some archery
Maybe some painting
And most of all
Maybe making new friends
I hope these new friends I make are going to like me
Hey buddy
That's one of the kids on the other bunks
Hi What do you want to say to him Hey, buddy. Hey. That's one of the kids on the other bunks.
Hi, would you... What's...
Would you...
What do you want to say to him?
Would you care to be my friend?
That's a really, really nice way to reach out to somebody.
What does he say back?
Well, you tell me.
What do you see?
He goes like,
No.
No. No.
Oh.
Because I could already tell that you're going to end up with toothpaste in your shoe.
Because I can already tell that you're going to end up with toothpaste in your shoe and I'm going to make you kiss it and brush your teeth.
No, they didn't make me kiss it.
It was just brush my teeth.
I'm so sorry about that. If we're going're gonna do the voice make it accurate at least sorry i'm sorry it's okay i've been told i
give too many notes you're 11 you're 11 years old you don't have to know okay you don't have to know
okay you go out into the field for your first activity of the day. Do I have sunblock on?
I need to have sunblock on.
You have the perfect amount of sunblock on.
Enough to not get burnt, but not too much that it reeks of chemicals and stickiness.
Oh. chemicals and stickiness.
One of the camp counselors comes up to you and puts
a ball in your hand.
Time for kickball,
he says.
But you put it in my hand.
Because you get to pick the teams,
big guy.
How do you feel? You have responsibility. You have power. Because you get to pick the teams, big guy. Okay.
How do you feel?
You have responsibility.
You have power.
You have a little bit of clout now.
He called me big guy.
How does that make you feel?
I'm eight foot tall.
Yes.
I love that.
Let's keep going with that feeling.
My arms are 80.
80 foot tall.
I love that, Mr. Steele. I love that, Mr. Steel.
I love your creativity and your imagination.
I take the ball and I throw it at that kid's,
that little kid's head and he,
it fucking pops like a little grape.
Mr. Steel, Mr. Steel.
I shake you a little bit.
I hate to take you out of this.
Where am I?
Where am I?
You're in my office. Oh.
It is, this experience is meant to help you patch up some of that trauma that you've experienced. Okay. To help you heal the pain. Huh. Not inflict any more. Oh. Let's dive back in, shall we? Okay, I'm on the board.
I'm going to do a triple-double.
Go headfirst into the pool.
Okay, we're at the pool, and now we're at the pool.
You said dive back in.
Was I not supposed to dive?
That, you know what?
I love how you just take the bull by the horns.
Okay, I'm riding it.
It's going crazy.
Oh, it bucks me.
I'm gored.
I'm gored. I'm gored. I'm gored.
I'm gored.
Mr. Steele.
Mr. Steele. Where am I?
Mr. Steele. Where am I? You're still
in my office. Oh, God. We're still
doing a session. That bowl was so real.
Mr. Steele, I'm gonna put you
back under. Okay. And I'm just going to
I'm underwater. I'm drowning. No. No, no, no.
Mr. Steele. Mr. Steele. I am going to put you back under. Okay. And I'm just going to... I'm underwater. I'm drowning. No, no, no, no. Mr. Steele, Mr. Steele.
I am going to put you back under hypnosis.
Okay.
And we are going to just skip to the moment...
I'm in your office.
...that clearly has inflicted the most trauma.
There we go.
You're back in your cabin.
Okay.
You put on your shoes after a shower.
Okay.
And uh-oh, toothpaste in between your toes all over your feet it's seeping out through the
laces and the holes in your shoes what do you feel right now i feel
like i should put toothpaste in that kid's shoe and then i should be the feeling but i should hit him over the head
with the shoes until his head pops like a little grape i shake you again
mr steel where am i you're in my office still. Oh, okay.
I'm going to be honest.
I've never experienced this kind of rapport
with a patient before.
And I'm going to maybe
have to refer you
to a colleague
because something about...
I'm too good at it.
You have incredibly
violent tendencies.
The repetition of I want this kid's head to pop like a grape is of huge concern to me.
You don't. You did his voice. You know he's a little shit.
I'm going to have to ask you to see a different therapist for this kind of work.
Okay. Fine.
But before you go, I just want to say I really, really hope that you find the piece that you're looking for.
Yeah.
I found the piece I'm looking for.
What's that?
My fricking Glock.
Oh my God.
Get out of my office.
Wait,
before I go,
can I,
can I ask you a question?
Okay.
If you just saw me on the street, like I was just walking around.
Like you didn't, I wasn't a patient or nothing like that.
Right?
Yeah.
Yes, I'm with you.
Paint a picture in your head for once.
Okay, I see it.
Toothpaste shoe on the other foot.
I see you walking
down the street. Worst question.
How tall am I?
If I had to guess? Yeah.
5'10"?
Not 8?
Not 8 feet tall. With 80 foot
arms, no.
No? How long are my arms?
Your arms are just normal length arms.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
You're in your office.
You're waiting for your next patient.
Oh my god, I am.
His name is Maximum Steel. Max for short. But there's nothing
short about him. He walks through the door. He's eight foot tall. Oh my god, that's a
big man. Yes, but that's not the biggest thing about him. His arms are 80 foot long and...
Oh my god!
He has never... he doesn't even know what toothpaste is.
I don't like that.
Okay, what do you do?
I say, welcome Mr. Steele.
Thank you for coming to choose this path of hypnotic meditation and therapy today.
Let me take a look at your intake form.
Before you have a chance to look at the intake form.
He claps his 80-foot arms.
And a freaking thunder clap comes
and it pops your head
like a fucking little grape.
What then?
What then?
Well, then I'm dead.
Okay, then I'm dead.
Got you.
Get out of my office.
It just takes a while
for my long arms
they're tracking behind me.
I don't know about you, Riley, but I don't feel as though the heat has influenced my ability to improvise whatsoever.
Oh my god. Do we want to do another one? I surely think we must.
I think we... Let's take a quick little break.
And we are back.
Should I do one?
I think you should.
Would that be crazy?
Okay. should would that be crazy okay um this this one is for a target in uh southern new mexico so specific from alex s alex srebek alex srebek i'll take review review for a thousand. One star for a year ago.
Every time I go to this Target, which is quite often because the SO drags me here minimum two times a week.
Anyways, trash cans outside the front doors are always full.
No matter what day or
time of day it is. Starting to think
they just don't change them.
Who cares?
The energy of saying the S-O,
like saying the wife,
it's like you want to say the wife,
but you're not married.
The S-O?
The S-O drags me along minimum two times a week.
And also putting anyways in writing in the middle of a one run on sentence.
Instead of putting a period and a space going anyways.
Writing a letter.
Your pen pals.
Hey, Christopher. Um, Angie here. I know it's been a while since I've written you a pen pal letter.
How crazy to think that we started this trend in fourth grade and now we're writing this into our
late twenties. It's crazy how time flies. Well, a little bit about me. I still live in Juneau, Alaska.
I am still a vet, but I got married this past fall, and my husband's name is Bradley, and
it's just been incredible.
I love being a missus, you know?
We haven't started thinking too much about kids yet, but I don't think they're too far
behind.
Just hope you're doing well, and don't know why I felt compelled to reach out.
Maybe just feeling nostalgic after all the wedding festivities.
I hope you're well. Do you still live in London?
How are your pets? Is your family dog still alive?
Parentheses, hope he is, or this is going to be a really sad letter.
Sending all my best from over in the west yours angie
hi angie
yet still over here in jolly old england things aren't quite as good as they used to be
um you were right to be sad preemptively. The dog is dead.
He died quite some time ago.
Anyways, yeah, currently unemployed.
The missus not too happy about this.
But me thinks it'll be all right once I start pounding the old pavement.
Trying to drum up some work.
Anyways, glad to hear you're doing good.
Oh, my wife status seems to fit you well.
But no, this has been really nice.
Thanks for sending that letter.
You know, I think part of my issue,
really, all of this is written out
all of the sleuths
and also in like cursive like hand
written you know I
when I was in school
everybody was always saying I was good at
my handwriting was impeccable
but you know I think
really the issue is
that I
I think I I don't think i ever really tried i think i
kind of slipped in and out of class didn't really think much about anything and i think that's
really come back to bite me in the ass you know i'm 30 i'm married got no real prospect wife you
know we're not unhappy but we're not happy either she says she doesn't want kids
but sometimes I worry she just says that because I say it
and truth be told I think the dog was a lot of the glue
that was keeping us together
and I think the fact that the dog's gone has really brought out
some of the key issues in our relationship
truth be told I'd give it two three years more max but uh
let me know if you have any baby name ideas ta
wow that letter was a lot to take in so sorry about your dog i know you loved Snickers so much. I just have to say, if I'm being honest,
the letter was a little bit confusing to read. I'm trying to read through and see if there was
any thought process, but it just seems like you're feeling a lot of grief. Can't believe we've never
met in person. I wish I could give you a hug. Sounds like things are really hard.
Have you tried couples therapy?
Maybe that might help with you and the missus.
What's her name, by the way?
Tell me some things about her.
How did you two meet?
You know, maybe in remembering some of that,
things might look a little bit brighter.
If ever you two want to come out and get a wild vacation,
come on out to Alaska.
We would love to have you.
Hi.
Sorry it's been three years since I last wrote.
Three years has been pretty crazy hectic.
Nothing really has stopped going.
I got a rare business opportunity and it really took off.
No experience.
It really took off.
I suddenly have more money than I know what to do with.
Wife and I are doing great now.
Shelley, her name is, since you asked.
The business venture, so you're saying it was Virgin Atlantic.
I became a top executive.
Things have been going really good,
and I'm really famous and popular over here in the UK.
Would love to come and see you with my wife Shelley and me.
But unfortunately, I'm the busiest man in England, and I
cannot, but you seem like
you're doing very well. You didn't mention if you'd
had any kids, though, but I would be really interested to
know the answer about all the kids and stuff, and if you
thought of naming any of them after me, I'd love to
give you a hug as well. I would really, I
could genuinely use one. Okay, but
kidding, everything's fine. And
uh...
Me reading that letter out loud to my husband um so i guess i just don't know how to respond to that this is the he's the pen pal right the british one yeah
yeah yeah have you has he sent like a lot of letters recently or is this
the first one in a while this is the first one in three years oh that's right he said that right
sorry there's so much in there i kind of forgot the beginning no i know i know i know pretty
repetitive don't you think it is i have this weird feeling i need to go see him yeah is that crazy i mean juno to juno to england that's
a long flight but i mean do what you gotta do i can take care of the ranch that would be amazing
i just there's some part of me that feels like i don't know if i could be there maybe just to
give him a hug i don't know maybe that's insane you know i mean
he sounds like he's doing well this business opportunity and everything and you know he said
his him and his wife have never been better but if you feel like you need to go i you know i'm not
gonna stop you bradley i read you that letter and you actually it seems like he's doing well to you
well i mean he said he's a seems like he's doing well to you.
Well, I mean, he said he's a top, he's one of the most high paid executives in England.
I mean, that's, you know.
But go, but go.
Me and the girls are going to be fine without you.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
You know.
Okay.
Three triplets under the age of three.
What could go wrong?
No, I'm kidding.
What could go wrong?
I love them. I believe in you.
All right.
I love you.
And thank you for being so supportive about this.
Yeah, of course.
What kind of piece of shit would I be if I didn't let you leave me alone for an undetermined
amount of time with our three children under the age of three to go and visit a man you
haven't ever met and you've rarely exchanged letters with
because you think he might need a hug what kind of asshole would i be if i didn't let you go do that
i love you so much i and i love you so much cut to me like getting out of a cab outside of just
like a really normal looking house in london this can be right. He said he was the richest and busiest man in London
and he just lives in a normal flat. Okay, well, better stop stalling Angie. Stop talking to
yourself. Just knock on the door. This is it. I'm going to fix him. I'm'm gonna make sure he's okay.
Here we go.
It's... Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
It's time.
Knock on the door.
Who is it?
It's Angie.
Who the fuck is that?
Angie from Alaska?
This is Chris.
Chris. Christopher? Chris. Chris.
Christopher.
Christopher.
Christopher Jameson.
You're having a laugh.
You think Christopher Jameson still lives in this neighborhood?
He's the highest paid executive in London.
Wait, actually?
Yeah.
What? The highest paid executive in What, you don't-
I was made executive in London?
You don't have the news?
Over there in Alaska?
Well, I guess I didn't bother to look him up because I thought he was lying
You see, he sent me a very deranged kind of letter
And I thought he was not doing super well
Not doing super well?
Him and his wife have never been better.
Well, can you tell me where they live, please?
Buckingham Palace, of course.
Alright.
Okay, I mean,
I guess I'll try there.
Hang on, hang on. Opens the door.
It was him doing a voice.
I'm sorry, Angie.
Your husband called and said you were coming and i panicked and i thought are you not even british
i uh you write with a very thick cockney accent i don't know what you mean
right with an accent but yeah i guess i you know you said you'd end your letters for years
with ta i mean i've lived in the uk for years i mean i i picked up a few things maybe i'm sorry
for getting into this hi i i i i it's just really nice to see you and meet you this is crazy i've
dreamed about this since i was like 12 what really. What, really? I mean, since we started becoming pen pals, like, I always wondered, like, what you looked like, what your life was like.
Have you never wondered that about me?
Not really.
I mean, no.
I mean, I have.
No, I have.
I have.
Obviously, I have.
I guess I just, you know, I think it was a fascination I had at 12.
But, you know.
Alaska's a long way from here, Angie.
I didn't, I was, you know, your husband said you were coming.
I kind of thought it was a prank.
Like, I don't know.
It's a long way to come.
No, I can't, if I can be honest.
Yeah.
There was just something about the letter you wrote me, you know, the one after three
years, that just felt, I don't know, I felt called to come and maybe, like, if I could
give you a hug,
then maybe everything would be okay. Oh, it seemed like a cry for help. Um, maybe I'm
reading that wrong. No, no, no. I mean, I don't think, okay, yeah, cry for help, you
know, kind of a, it's a tough thing, right? You know, was it a cry for help or was I just,
you know, enjoying the opportunity to kind of imagine what my life would have been?
I think it was a cathartic exercise in some ways, sending these letters to a person I knew I'd never meet.
I could kind of invent, imagine a persona for myself that I was this kind of rich, successful, handsome, happily married businessman.
Are you not married?
No, I didn't say I wasn't married.
I just didn't say I wasn't happily married.
No, we are divorced.
We are divorced. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
No, I mean, don't be sorry.
It was my fault.
I wasn't a very good husband.
And she was a fine
wife.
But yeah, so
if you want to do the hug,
you know, let's do the hug i i would but only if that's
okay i i don't want to make the more you talk about it the weirder it gets okay let's hug
three two one go we hug step away well i guess i should get going what well that's all i came here to do
you don't want to like stay no why would i want to stay i'm sorry i feel i'm confused. I kind of thought when you,
maybe I misread,
okay,
I think I misread some signals or something.
What?
Okay,
well,
when in your letters you were saying,
like,
I live on a ranch in Alaska,
and I'm married,
and I have three triplets,
and I'm having my perfect happy,
you know,
I kind of,
I guess in my head,
I thought maybe you were exaggerating
things a little bit too and i i thought maybe you coming oh no out here no no no was you being like
oh maybe we should be together no oh my god i'm so sorry if i gave that impression in love star
cross lovers like no no no no i'm this connection you know you kept i'm harping on about, like, I've dreamed of this moment since I was 12.
You know, I guess I really thought that you were saying that.
I have, but not in that kind of way.
No, no, I'm so sorry.
I love it.
God, I look a dick now, don't I?
I look quite the dick.
No, you don't.
You don't.
You don't.
I just, I got to get back to my ranch and my girls and my husband.
So you literally just came here to hug a man you've never
met yes who was obviously lying about every aspect of his life i knew you were lying but i felt like
if i could just hug you then maybe it's like oh this person who has seen me at my worst is going
to help me become my best you are a weird weird chick um yeah best of luck with the triplets i guess if that's real you sincerely have triplets
yeah i kind of thought they were made up i'm not gonna lie no they really want it all i need to
know before i go is do you feel different at all after the hug i feel really weird yeah
but you feel changed like you feel like you're ready to approach your life in a different way.
I certainly think I'm going to approach my life in a different way.
Then I've done my job.
Sure.
Getting in the cab.
Calling my husband.
Bradley?
Settle down.
Settle down.
Mommy's on the phone.
Mommy's on the phone.
Mommy's on the phone. Settle down. Settle down. put it down put it down mommy hey yeah yeah yeah hey what's
up angie what's up i did it what did you do what did you do babe no i said put it down i said and
i changed his life yeah i did it yeah yeah how was the business how was the how was the money
i knew he was lying he just has kind money? Well, I knew he was lying.
He just has kind of just like a regular life.
Oh.
He's not the richest executive in London.
He's divorced.
I said put it down.
I said, you're going to time out.
He said after I hugged him, he said that he is ready to approach his life in a different way.
Did he elaborate at all on that?
Or would he elaborate?
He didn't have to.
He didn't have to.
I would be worried about that.
That could mean all sorts of stuff, babe.
No, you're in time out.
You're not allowed to talk to mommy.
You're in time out.
I didn't.
And so I'm coming home.
And I just wanted to thank you again.
That was it?
You just got, babe, you just got off the plane.
I did what I needed to do.
We're going to have dinner, but it's only 2 p.m.
Oh, aren't you happy that I'm coming home?
No, of course.
No, babe.
Literally, I have so much gratitude that you are coming home right now.
My God, these things, these kids.
Woo!
No, I'm kidding, sweetheart.
I love you.
Yes.
Yes, I'm happy you're coming home.
I just, sorry, I'm a little frazzled.
You've literally been on the ground in London for, what, 90 minutes?
And now you're, what, flying back? I didn't, I thought you might be there a while. Yeah, yes, yes, yes,
you can have, yes, you can have binky. Yes, you can have binky. Honey, I know where I need to be.
Okay. And it's home. Good. Cut to five years later. Hey, Christopher, Been a while. How have things been post-hug? I guess that's all I really need to ask. Hope you're well, truly, and deeply. All my best, Angie. This is me writing with my normal voice.
That's a reference to the fact that in our last meeting in person, you said that I write with a British accent, which is obviously not possible.
Anyway, things are fine. as you call it, I realized that it was very sad that the most meaningful physical contact I'd had with another person was from basically a stranger. I did reevaluate my life in a pretty major way.
I moved to Alaska. I've been waiting for the right time to tell you, but I guess it never came up.
And it took quite some time for your letter to reach me, on account of the postage forwarding.
It had to go all the way to the UK, and then to my new address here in Alaska.
Anyway, I don't need to bop-bop out of the details.
I just want you to know I'm 15 minutes down the road if you ever want to, like, be together for real or whatever.
Or not. It could be be fake our relationship doesn't have
to be real it can be real in my mind only and that is content uh give my best to christopher
seems like a stand-up bloke
we need to move we need to move now what what we need to move take the girls and take the goats
and the horse we're going no no babe no no no no no no no no we can't move we can to move take the girls and take the goats and the horse we're going no no babe no no
no no no no no no we can't move we can't move we we still have years on the mortgage it's not
practical i don't care christopher is 15 minutes down the street he has our address i don't know
how i don't know, babe. Yes.
15 minutes?
That seems fine to me.
That seems fine.
No, we need to go. I'm sorry, I really have my hands full.
No, babe, I think you're being-
Why are you opposed to this?
I don't understand why you're being so fine with this.
I just, we build a life here, you know what I mean?
Like, we moved to this neighborhood because you wanted to move to this neighborhood.
We got it, you know.
I just think we should stick her out.
So I'm I just a lot of kids, a lot of kids, you know, some people would have stopped at one set of triplets.
But you said, no, let's have another set of triplets.
So now we've got six kids, you know, and I'm just I I'm scared for my safety.
OK, then go.
I don't know.
Buy a gun.
Oh, my God. What is wrong with you? I mean, we live in alaska for fuck's sake everybody has a gun it's not that big of a deal
i can't believe kids go to your room mommy needs a meeting with daddy
i don't need a meeting with daddy i need us to leave look me in the eye and tell me you really think he's
dangerous i really think he's dangerous he's been there for five years he hasn't so much as come and
introduced himself i don't think how did he get our address what do you mean you've been sending
him letters for years of course he has your address from the po box yeah well i don't know they're fucking yellow pages or some
shit babe i don't know you don't think that's weird that he lives i'm not saying that it's
not weird it's deeply strange i'm just saying i don't necessarily think it's anything has happened
like if you went to the cops with this i don't think they would i think they would just tell you
sorry uh you're you're you're calling the police because a man moved 15 minutes from your house and hasn't seen you like i just think okay
i just think i just think you're overreacting he also said he wanted to be with me i mean hell who
wouldn't you're a catch and i'm so every day i thank god maybe if i give him another hug no
i don't want to say that you
brought this on yourself because that's not obviously not to me knocking at his house
oh hey i got your letter yeah and i don't want to be with you oh because again i am happily married
and i love my life and my six kids okay i'm gonna cut
to the chase i'm gonna give you a hug i really i don't want you to you are going to forget about
your feelings for me i look i am obviously gonna take the hug obviously but i do want you to read
i well no i mean that's exactly how i'm gonna say it because i really want you to think about
what you're doing when you give me the hug.
When I'm doing what I'm giving you the hug, I'm going to fix everything.
No, it will make it worse.
This is never going to happen.
Angie, I have it down bad for you,
and I don't think giving me a hug is going to change that.
I think that's only going to make things worse.
I bring you in for a hug.
Done. Done.
So we're good, right?
Whatever that means to you.
I fixed it. Yeah, you didn't.
I'm in love with you. I've always been
in love with you. I don't know what
the fuck.
Do we have time for one more? Yeah, why why not the only funny thing about this review is
the first sentence again this is for the usc target this is two stars from joan c
uh joan c riley joan c riley really that was gonna be joan crawford so i'm half joan c riley
here we go two stars this place should
be named Target Light because they barely carry anything selection's not great which sucks because
the whole reason I love Target because they have everything usually uh parking is underground same
as Trader Joe's it's convenient for students and anyone who lives around there that need to pick
up some basic items but don't expect to see a bunch of different variations of items.
Sick burn! Uh, this place should be called Target Light, because they barely have anything.
Hello, welcome to Target!
Um, I don't know about that.
Maybe, uh, maybe you guys should call yourselves Target Light,
because you guys are
out of listerine no that's very funny ma'am um no uh we did uh which listerine i'm sorry you said
we're out of listerine you're out of the original list the the blue one the blue one oh tough uh
they actually i think that one is discontinued i don't even think that's on us i think that one they don't make anymore oh well yeah well you should still call yourselves target light because
i went to pick up because i went to sorry i went to pick up reading off my phone i went to pick up
some paper towels and you guys are paper towel less what does that? You're out of paper towels. I genuinely don't think that's possible.
What aisle were you looking in?
The home goods paper aisle?
It's not in the home goods paper aisle.
Oh, so which aisle is it in?
It's across from the detergent.
It's across from the laundry detergent.
Okay.
I see it from here.
Yeah.
It's not a big target as you actually have like a lot
of paper towels i'm really sorry um i'm i'm sandra by the way um hello hi you are clementine um sure
i'm sorry about this i'm just gonna take the gun are you really then yeah okay what do you mean am
i really I was wondering
if that apology was genuine. You said, I'm
sorry, and I was just
wondering if that was a genuine apology or if it was a fake
apology. No, it's real. It's just
like, I, sorry.
It did.
Are you like this with anyone else in your life?
Like what?
Just kind of like awful keeping score, kind of like awful keeping score kind of like looking for things to complain about
are you like this with other people in your life like obviously i don't matter i'm just
you know some random person don't say that no you i clearly do not matter to you and that it's fine
i have my own life and family who i treat very well and who treat me very well. I'm just wondering if you treat anyone else in your life,
like you're treating me right now.
I'm not treating you bad.
I'm just like,
it's,
Oh,
you're not humor.
Oh,
I'm sorry.
I'm using humor as a way to like get a point across.
Yeah.
To offset.
No,
you're using humor to offset the fact that you're kind of being a bitch
right now.
Yeah.
Okay, cool. kind of being a bitch right now yeah okay cool and that's how you treat like your mom or anyone else in your life cut cut to sandra like 15 being picked up from school late by her mom
hi sweetie sorry i'm late yeah you can say that again mom Mom. More like mom not on time.
Because I've been waiting outside of the school for 30 minutes past the last bell.
I know, sweetie.
I know.
The shift at the hospital was...
We had a really hard day.
Really?
Yeah, there were sick people everywhere.
Oh.
Yeah, so...
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Anyway, it's fine, babe.
Get in the car. Okay. Sorry. Anyway, it's fine, babe. Get in the car.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm sorry I called you babe.
I guess I said it and I remembered that's not like a normal thing to call your kid.
Mom, more like mom thinks that she's a girlfriend again, like dad would ever see you at that age
calling me babe i guess it didn't work because you called me babe and not
can i ask you something seriously sandra what were you going to those improv classes
you your father and i you, those were not cheap.
And I just...
I know.
And I just feel like they weren't...
Yes, I was going to them, obviously.
You didn't miss a single one?
No.
What a shame.
What?
Well, I thought at least, you know, obviously the class didn't take.
So I thought maybe at least you were having a good time meeting some kids your own age.
You know, no luck there.
Cut to her in the class.
Okay, guys, we're going to start it off today.
A little warm up.
This game is called Five Things.
So I'm going to turn to the person next to me
and I'm going to pick something totally random
and crazy I'm going to say name
five cereal brands
that don't exist and then you're
just going to go around and say
Mr. Crunchables
and stuff like that and then we'll all chant
and it's going to be a great time you ready to warm up?
yeah yeah
let's do it!
Sandra, you're to my left
so why don't I
throw the prompt to you.
Okay, Sandra,
give me five
things.
Five things that you
wouldn't want to see at the bottom of your
book bag. Oh, no!
Oh, uh,
an app? No. wouldn't want to see at the bottom of your book bag. Oh, no.
An app?
No.
What about like... It could be anything, Sandra.
Just first thought, best thought.
First thought?
First thought?
More like...
All the other kids staring at her.
Come on, Sandra.
You can do it.
What about like...
You got this, Sandy.
Unicorn poop.
Or a flip-flop
or a dog.
Come on, stuff like that. Come on, Sandra.
It's not that hard. Be like,
the lint bunny monster.
Come on, Sandra, you got this.
Sandra, it's literally not that hard.
Be like, a rusty
sword. Sandra,
it can literally be anything. Sandra, Sandra, how about
you just do like Joe Biden? You know, make it funny, political, topical. Come on, Sandra. Sandra, come can literally be anything. Sandra, Sandra, how about you just do like, Joe Biden?
You know, make it funny, political, topical.
Come on, Sandra. Sandra, come on, come on, come on.
Sandra, Sandra, what if you do
something that you can't even exist in the book bag?
Like, what about the SAG strike?
Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, wait.
What if you did something really quirky and
quirked up and you were like, ah, another
book bag?
Sandra, Sandra, it's literally so easy.
We're all coming up with so many ideas. What if you said, like,
an empty bottle of rum,
like a pirate? Oh, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, what if you did
something, because you're kind of a sad sack, what if you did something
self-deprecating? You were like, uh, my dignity.
Oh, yeah, what about, like, my
ego, my ego.
What's something you'd never find at the bottom of Sandra's book bag?
Friends.
What's something you'd never find at the bottom of Sandra's book bag? Friends. What's something you'd never find in Sandra's book bag?
All right, guys.
A hairbrush.
Because it's looking like a rat's nest.
Okay, guys.
No, let's...
Stop.
Let's leave Sandra alone.
She's obviously not good at this, and it's not fair.
Okay, wait.
I have it.
Okay, what's one thing...
Let's do...
How about we rename the game?
The game from now on is called One Thing.
And all you need to do, Sandra, is name one thing that you wouldn't want to find at the bottom of your book bag.
I have it.
Okay.
Everyone be quiet.
Okay. One thing I wouldn't want to find at the bottom of my book bag
is an empty tube of Burt's Bees chapstick.
Because it's just trash,
and it could be there for a while without you really noticing it.
And so it's just kind of taking up space.
And it's a little clunky.
But not clunky like heavy.
Like it's actually really light.
Because again, it's an empty tube of chapstick.
But it just kind of serves as a reminder that it's like,
oh, you really need to throw out the trash in your backpack.
Why do you still have an empty tube of chapstick in there?
Anyway, that's the one thing that I wouldn't want to find at the bottom of my backpack.
One thing. All right. All right. anyway that's the one thing that i wouldn't want to find at the bottom of my backpack one one thing all right all right um why don't uh why don't uh everyone go uh take five um grab some water i'll um yeah let's let's meet back at five okay hey sandra can i um
can you step in the hallway with me for a minute
hallway yeah more like more like uh oh an elevator not because it's just kind of a room
hallway it is um so buddy um is everything okay at home or at school? You know, are you being picked on?
What gives you that idea?
I just, it was kind of a, you know, out of the blue question.
You just seemed kind of down today.
I guess it's just like coming into an environment where I'm new,
it doesn't feel good to have a lot of pressure put on me,
especially by the kids who
all, you know, I guess it's hard. It's like when someone like me is really naturally funny, it's
hard to be put on the spot. And so the other kids, they're all trying way too hard. Can I push back
a little bit on you, Sandra, here? You say when you're coming into a new environment, it's week
nine. More like push over. It's week nine. It let those kids walk all over you. It's week nine, Sandra.
And everybody else in the class, it doesn't matter.
You know, even little Jerome, who, let's be honest, he was very shy at the beginning.
Like, he has opened up.
Everyone in this class has, I've seen dramatic improvement except for you.
And that leads me to think that, you know, one of two things is happening.
Either A, you're not being real with me.
You're not being authentic.
You're not actually trying as hard as you can try.
Or two, you've hit your limit.
You're as good as you're ever going to be, and that's no good. And I just think either way.
It's no good?
You're terrible.
You are terrible.
I have been teaching middle and high school improv for a
decade and you are the least funny child i have ever met there are kids in the like under fives
classes who could run circles around you literally and figuratively you lethargic, lethargic girl.
Cut to the
cut to the five-year-olds
who are
Yes, and. Yes, and.
I'm gonna be on code in when I grow up.
Cut back.
Wow.
I guess I didn't know that that's how you felt or how I came across.
Because the way I've always seen my sense of humor, Tyler,
is like deadpan.
Like Daria. Like I'm the Aubrey sense of humor, Tyler. Yeah. It's like deadpan. Like Daria.
Like I'm the Aubrey Plaza of this high school.
You're absolutely not.
You're absolutely not.
You know who you are?
You're the Sandra of this high school.
You're the, you know, you're the.
Really?
Yeah.
You're the fucking. I genuinely you're the... Really? Yeah. You're the fucking...
I genuinely...
I'm one of one.
Genuinely have never met a person like you.
You're a vacuum.
You suck the fun out of everything.
You make teaching an improv class next to impossible.
Because the second you're called on to do anything,
it is like somebody has dropped a lead weight into the room.
Lead weight.
Yeah.
What is it?
Something I wouldn't want to find at the bottom of my backpack
yeah there you go kid well done you got there in the end um
look i'm sorry if i've come across as harsh but i am gonna ask that this is your last class
well that's fine because again i feel like my sense of humor is just a different level of
maturity and groundedness than the rest of this kind of wacky dacky stuff we're just going in
circles dude you need i don't really need it you need to leave and by the way before i go yeah
because i'll go i'll i'll go can i let I said take a five. It's been like 20 minutes.
Three other things.
I'll just leave you with this.
Three other things I wouldn't want to find
at the bottom of my backpack.
No, actually, Sandra, I don't have two and a half hours,
so I can't do three other things.
I'll let you do one.
Well, okay.
A photo of you.
Okay, cool.
Because I never want to see your face again.
That's, for you, that is the speed of light i've never seen you act even remotely that quick i'm genuinely like
gobsmacked that you came up with that that it only took you 15 minutes to come up with that
my god let me search your bag
things I might find at the bottom of Sandra's
coke bag a fucking
bag of cocaine
coke bag?
I meant book
I think I should be
the one teaching this
I'm calling security
you are going to be escorted from the
premises
should we do our last segment?
I think we should.
I sweat my ass off today.
I saw Barbie.
I did see Barbie.
Have not seen Oppenheimer yet
by the time this comes out
because every theater is sold out.
Really?
There are no, well, like there's theater,
either I'm going to be sitting front row.
Yeah.
Or it's like, because Daniel and I want to see it together.
There's no theaters where there's like two seats paired together.
But I did see Barbie and it was awesome.
I saw it with a group of girls.
And we all wore pink and we all cried and it
was just a really great time.
And I was so emotional,
especially like seeing so many people dressed up in the theater and everyone
saying hi Barbie to each other.
It just like,
my God,
I'm all in on the hype.
I fucking loved it.
Uh,
I haven't seen it.
I haven't seen it yet.
I haven't seen either yet this week
has been crazy i've been moving there's been a heat wave i just haven't gotten around to it i
might try and go on so you're not an ally um i wouldn't say that uh i would just say that i'm
an ally with other priorities you're saying, I would never call myself an ally.
Let's be very clear on something.
I would never say that I'm an ally.
No, I think I'm incredibly excited to see it.
You know, if you'd asked me a month ago, I would have said I was going to be one of the
people to do the double feature the very first day.
I was just as excited.
And then it just so happened that they both came out during the busiest week i've ever had so i uh i can't you
know and i you know it's because i'm scabbing i'm scabbing it's really hard to scab for two unions
at once that's not like i was the workload was manageable when it was just SAG. That's a lot.
Just the writers.
I can't even keep them straight.
You know, I was writing for like the next season of the Big Bang Theory.
They're rebooting it.
And then I'm also starring in The Good Doctor.
And so things have been really hard.
Not The Good Doctor!
That reminds me,
my what shook me,
I saw a license plate today
that was just a bazinga.
Oh my god.
You can find Alf on Instagram, Anna.
No, I'll do a real what shook me.
I'm scared that it was
my what shook me last week, though.
Just do it.
Do you remember what my what shook me
was last week?
Is it moving? No, was that my what shook me last week? I don't remember. If you say week, though. Just do it. Do you remember what my What Shook Me was last week? Is it moving?
No.
Was that my What Shook Me last week?
I don't remember.
If you say it, it might jog the memory.
Okay, the Apple TV show Silo?
No, this was not.
Oh, it's very good, actually.
You know, it's not the best kind of post-apocalyptic mystery, whatever.
Like, you know, there are a few issues, holes, whatever.
But I genuinely, I've really enjoyed it.
I'm almost done with it. I think it's really good. Cool. I haven't heard of it. Yeah, it's,
it's really good. It's, it's, you know, only 10 episodes. It's very watchable under like an hour
each and, and it's, it's good. It's, it's creative. It's fun. I think you'd like it.
Oh, really quick. Um, I've, I've been catching up on, by catching up on me and binging because I hadn't seen it.
I'm like, I love Yellow Jackets.
I'm three episodes into the second season.
I haven't seen any of it.
It's amazing, but it's definitely not a pre-bedtime show.
And there it is.
You need to text me that so I can put it on the Instagram.
But yeah, Yellow Jackets is great.
It's definitely, don't watch it before bed, like I've been doing.
Oh, and quickly before I forget, we should plug or call to action people.
Theme songs.
Yes.
Theme songs.
We need more theme songs, baby.
Send those in to reviewreviewshowatgmail.com.
Let me triple check that that is the right yes review review r-e-v-i-e-w
r-e-v-u-e show at gmail.com in today again i want to shout them out again because they did a really
good that was from ryan ryan said first name is great thank you ryan i genuinely thought that was
awesome please send us some theme songs covers par, parodies, whatever, originals.
We would love some more theme songs because if we don't get more theme songs,
we are ultimately going to have to sing our own.
Oh, no.
And nobody wants that.
Nobody, least of all me.
So send the theme songs to reviewreviewshow at gmail.com you can find
Alfred on Instagram at
Alfred in it you can
find the show on
Instagram at review
review reddit r slash
review review um you
can find yeah and and
send our stuff oh the
only thing I'll plug is
we're the watch head
gum YouTube we're doing
uh dumbass off days
Jake and me are videos
um and Jeff and I still have our patreon patreon HeadGum YouTube. We're doing Jeff the Dumbass, Off Days, Jake and Amir videos.
And Jeff and I still have our Patreon.
Patreon Riley and Jeff.
And you can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley and Spa.
And on Twitter.com, truly, for as long as it lasts.
Sorry, X.com, truly, for as long as it lasts. Sorry, X.com, please. Yes, on X.com.
Oh, my God.
At RileyCoyote.
And...
Like we say every single week.
Chai.
Hey.
Chai. Chai.
Chai.
Chai.
That was a Hiddem original.