Review Revue - Tiffany & Co.

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

Reilly and Alf are back and this week they're bridge trolls, class C drivers, and covertly French, all while reading reviews on TIFFANY & CO.  Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter: @reilecoyote  Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. Alfred, you said it clear There was an axe and it was hurling

Towards Bardwell Evans' face It travelled up and into his skull But more, much more than this Alf did it Alf's way The axe, review, review There is not much else for me to mention. Alf did what he had to do. He wants a few things.

Wow, I'm only cutting that off because there is another full minute, I believe. You going to forward that one to me? That might be a new workout song for me. Workout song? Hold on. That was from Dom Ruggieri. Thank you, Dom. Dom says, all joking aside, I genuinely think Alfred is fine, okay?

Watch and come be a guest for the Omegle Game Show on Twitch, for Christ's sake. Dom, thank you so much for sending that in. What do you think the omegle great game show is porn i was gonna say do a shot every time there's a dick and then get blackout drunk in 15 minutes yep um thank you for sending that i i do love i think the other we might have had more but the other my way cover that we've had is i ate a tire. Alfred, teeny weeny polka dot bikini. Ryloney baloney. How are you doing, Alfredi?

I'll tell you one thing for free. Oh, my God. Holy shit. I'll tell you one thing. I played squash yesterday. Yeah, you do play with 40-year-olds and up. And that is old and i just want to say for anyone who's 40 that's old as hell the 40 year olds are the young ones no 40 is old 40 is old uh do you really think i'm old

what do you really think i'm old because i'm 40 so what happened you were playing squash i was just gonna say i'm uh i say, I went pretty hard yesterday. I can't play like I used to. You lost a lot of games, right? Yeah. I lost like 10 out of 11 games. Got it. Got it.

I beat one guy, and I felt pretty good. And then he beat me after, and I felt pretty bad. But I woke up this morning, and I was pretty sore. I was stiffer than Red the Dog, if you know what i mean oh no don't do that here that's awful what alfred is so disrespectful of red the dog it is insane the dog has an erection stop it always not always true or false not always what percentage of the time what percentage of the time is that dog 80 too much if that was a person doctor's office like if red the dog was a person he would be either in prison for sex pestery or he would be in the hospital for blood loss uh speaking of sex pestery i realize okay so a game that friends and I have been playing,

a board game in a way, called Poetry for Neanderthals. Very, very fun. Basically, the premise of the game is like, we have the NSFW edition. Yeah, we're a little naughty. No, that's inappropriate. And it's basically, it's like, you get a phrase. So it's like, there's a one point word and then like three points for like a word combo so you know it could be like boob and boob milk or breast milk or something boob and boob milk yeah whatever but so it's like if and you can only it's it's like you know you

have to have your team guess the word and there's a timer but you can only give hints as one syllable words and no gesturing so it would be like kid drink milk from blank like it's it's yeah regardless the point is that i learned that i'm very good at this game um i kind of body it i'm not gonna lie and when you said speaking of sex pestery and that was a lot of like there was one, I was playing last night with some friends, and one of the hints was just someone said, not red, but, and I immediately guessed blue balls, and I was right. And so it's, and so it sucks to, that's a game I'm, and it was like, I guess I was so good at this game of guessing sex terms, giving good guesses or giving good hints that like three people came up to me afterwards and were like, you were so good at that game.

And I'm like, I don't want this to be what I'm known for. It's not bragging. It's like it sucks that that is something that I was absurdly good at that people like, oh, Riley. Oh, she's good at the weird sex game. I'm sorry i was so distraught by that that i did pour water all over my laptop that's really good i'm dealing with that situation currently um um but we're not here to talk about sex games thank christ uh we're not here to talk about reindeer games certainly did you like that as a kid reindeer games i'm

guessing this is my read that when you were a child and the whole class was singing rudolph the red-nosed reindeer like monopoly you were the one love that shit screaming yeah like monopoly of course i was did you not no because it was not only the obnoxious kids did that and i was cool and like okay then shock that you didn't. Come on. I was reserved as a child. I was very demure. We are here to talk about not reindeer games not sex games not melancholia. We are here to

talk about something timeless. Something effortless. Something slippery. Something wet. To talk about Tiffany and Co. something slippery, something wet, to talk about Tiffany and Co. And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's?

Alfred, talk to me about Tiffany's. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. For my first wedding, we did do Tiffany's for the wedding bands. But two and three, decided have you been to a tiffany's what do you think you never stepped foot in a tiffany's what do you think i mean like in new york i feel like it's a tourist place it's like you know you get but also i feel like it's like breakfast at tiffany's people go i guess oh sorry you don't give a shit about breakfast at tiffany's no i just think it's interesting that i was like i was saying like why would i go to tiffany's look at me that they

wouldn't let me in even and then you were like i think you would do it because you look like a fucking tourist is what you said to me i didn't mean you look like a tourist i mean it's like it's an iconic place it is iconic yeah it is iconic it is iconic and i've never been in have you been i've been in and it's beautiful really beautiful you've been huh fuck off it's gorgeous i mean it's it's beautiful it's a beautiful place um yes i've been in i do remember back in the middle school and early high school days when I was on Pinterest. And I'd be like, what do I want? I had a Pinterest board for my dream engagement ring.

And it was just like, in my head, I'm like, oh, well, it's because Tiffany's was the only jewelry brand name I knew. And I was like, well, when I get engaged, it has to be Tiffany's. Paint me a picture. It's like, well, when I get engaged, it has to be Tiffany's. Paint me a picture. It's 2010. You're working on your Pinterest wedding board. Yes. What does it look like? Oh, my God.

I mean, it's got Converse under the dress. But it's like, but that's, it's got Converse under the dress. But then I'm like, no, what do I really want? And then it's like, because I watch a lot of Sex and the City. It was like, well, I have to have a Louboutin heel. I have to have a reded shoe on my wedding dress. It's a pair of canvas skateboard shoes with a red heel. Yes.

A lot of, like, the, a lot of, like, sunflowers and vases. A lot of, like, the lace wrapped around mason jars. So kind of a boho, boho, 2010s boho. Kind of a boho, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But have to have a Tiffany ring for sure. Okay, I feel like that's a little bit of a clash. So what is your, I guess like, and I know you think about this a lot.

Yeah, what's my dream wedding? Not necessarily what's your dream wedding, but it's like, what do you think of this a lot yeah but like what is your what's not necessarily what's your dream writing but it's like what do you think of when you think of tiffany's when i think of tiffany's i think of the poster for breakfast at tiffany's uh-huh i think of when i walk past stores like tiffany's like in major cities new york la these are some examples of big cities uh london even uh if you're feeling adventurous uh there you walk past stores like tiffany's or like you know any of the kind of designer stores i spilled water on my computer oh my god they're twinning uh and what you see is like they're often pretty empty you know what i mean because realistically who's going they're

very very very small percentage of population yeah but they always have somebody as like a security guard who's like full yes time job is to just stand and it's like a lot of like high-end stores and i always wonder about what that it's like what is it like to be the security guard at tiffany's who you just have to stand there for eight hours with like maybe a half a dozen people come in in your shift it's like that must be the most boring job that is wild I've never thought about that it's just like what what do you do all day it's like you sneak a little air pod in you're just like listening to review review if any of you are out there listening and you're a security guard of like a designer luxury brand store let us know because i want to know about your life because it's one thing if you're

like you're like a security guard in like you know i don't know a hospital you know or like a mall or even like you know when we were in college like our dorms there was like a security guard but these high-end places there are so it's so much less foot traffic nobody is talking to you you're just you're just like kind of like a gargoyle just standing there you heard it here first alfred thinks security guards are gargoyles i just uh should we get into the first review i I get canceled. Do you want to start or should I? Why don't you start her? I hardly know her. Okay. I'm very excited about these.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. No! Lie to me! Lie to me! Nope. Okay. So, both of mine are from the Tiffany's in New York because I feel like that is the iconic one. It's where Miss Audrey Hepburn went breakfast at Tiffany's. Like it is, in my head, that is like the Tiffany's.

And I imagine the most touristy of them all. Yes, yeah, I think so. This is from Jacqueline F. This is probably your favorite, yeah. And I rank them. I often will just kind of sit back in like a clawfoot tub and rank, what are my favorite Tiffany's?

And when you say clawfoot tub uh what i want the audience to picture here is it's a porcelain bathtub that has taxidermied very precarious it's sliding everywhere oil hand yeah or security jacklyn f uh jacklyn Uh, Jacqueline, Jacqueline Fanwell Miranda. Jacqueline Fanwell Miranda. God damn it. It's one star from Jacqueline Fanwell Miranda. So stupid. Okay.

One star. My trip to Tiffany's is something I had been daydreaming about ever since the topic of marriage came into the picture. Finally, I was going to have my pretty woman moment. And perhaps a side of champagne? With my heart full of excitement and anticipations running high, my boyfriend and I headed over to this iconic store. Welp, I definitely had my moment, alright. You know, the part where Julia Roberts is made to feel totally and entirely less than and made to feel completely uncomfortable. You know, where the woman prejudged her and wouldn't help her. That's the one. Upon getting to the third floor, nobody would help us. I get it. I look young. And yeah, I'm not dripping in

diamonds. But come on, do your job. When a rep finally inconvenienced herself to help us out, she placated us. Any questions I asked were met with cheesy and elusive sales jargon. Being in sales myself, this infuriated me. One, you could clearly see this is a commission-based role, and once she realized we weren't going to make a purchase right then and there, her entire demeanor changed. Two, don't force feed me garbage lines about how the right time to buy is now. Leave that to your marketing team. Instead, try to be consultative and a subject matter expert. Maybe then I'd take you seriously. I guess I'd best take my 100k budget elsewhere. Insert clip where Julia Roberts re-enters the store. Big mistake. Huge. Oh, and P.S. If you really want something custom and unique,

you must go with our Tiffany True, only made by Tiffany. Gee, you mean to tell me I can get the same exact custom ring as the rest of the entire world only through Tiffany's? No, thank you. Couldn't get out of there fast enough. Jesus Christ. That made me so angry. What was shocking is like,

is her being like, oh, okay, I'm a regular. I'm a normie. I'm not dripping in diamonds. Guess I better take my hundred thousand dollar budget it's like the thing that gets me is it's like okay so you're pissed that they're not paying attention to you right and you're like i'm mad that i'm not getting kind of the star treatment that I expected from Tiffany & Co. A pretty woman experience. And then you're also mad that they're selling too hard.

And they're paying too much attention. And I'm like, what do you want? And it's like, what it sounds like she wants is just like, dare I say, the experience of going shopping with a friend. It's just somebody to kind of like cheer you on. It's amazing. It's like when you have this idea in your head, it's like, she's like, I want it to be the scene. I want to be pretty woman.

I want to go in and I want it to be exactly this way. And if it's not that way, then it's not my day. And so anything that wasn't exact i also it's like i say i i also i'm like when you're like a bride to be yeah you're engaged and it's like how many days do you get to claim like your wedding day sorry it's actually my wedding day this is a day that's supposed to be about me i give that one to you absolutely my engagement party like this is supposed to be about me. I give that one to you. Absolutely. My engagement party. Like, this is supposed to be all about me. My bachelorette party.

Like, there's a lot of, like, pomp and circumstance surrounding getting married where I'm like, yeah, you can make that all about you. It's the day that I go and pick out my engagement. It's like it starts to get to a point where I'm like, it's just the day. And this is just another chore. Like, you don't get to kind of monopolize being special just because you're picking a ring. Okay. Okay. Tiffany's family.

Okay. We're going to be opening our doors in five minutes. Hi, it's me. For those of you who are new, I know we have a couple new hires. I'm Carol. Hello. Hello, sweeties. Aren't we all so lucky to be working in this beautiful establishment?

Okay. So now before we open our doors for today's shift, I have a bit of a special request. I'm handing out pamphlets. So we do have a bride to be coming in today. Everyone's like, oh, exciting. Yes. Big day. Big day. Hope she gets a beautiful Tiffany ring. And so her... We can hope. Yes. Her maid of honor, Crystal, has given us some instructions. So just to pass these out to you, these are scripts for each of you for today. I know it's a little unconventional. But Jessica, the bride-to-be, has kind of a specific idea of how she wants today to go. So you all have your roles assigned. And unless there are are no questions I guess we can just get right to it. Oh, sorry.

Oh, you're new. Yes. What's your name again? Sure, my name's Damien. Hi Damien. So happy to have you here. Thank you. I'm so excited. Just leafing through here the pamphlet. Yes. If there's like a role we would feel more

comfortable in, like is it okay if we like talk on our side? Like maybe I can trade pamphlets. Like, I don't know. Damien, I completely understand where you're coming from. And that is such a great initiative you're taking. And I will mark that down, you know, for later dates. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that very much.

But no, unfortunately, no. The roles have been pre-assigned. Okay. And so you kind of just like, it's kind of like a you get what you get and you don't throw a fit. Based on, actually, funny enough, Crystal, the maid of honor, she took a walk around and she like, based on everyone's vibe,

so she said, that's how she wrote the roles. So she bespoke for each person. Everyone's like, oh, cool, cool. Oh, wow, I got the hot saleswoman. I got the cool security guard. Oh, wow, Damien, what did you get? Right. So I guess that's what I'm wondering is,

so she went around the store and she said everybody gives off a certain vibe. Yes. And she looked at me and she said, troll who lives under the bridge. Troll who lives under the bridge. Yeah. It's like I sort of thought when I saw my pamphlet

that everyone else's was going to have sort of a fantasy theme. Maybe it was like i sort of thought when i saw my pamphlet that everyone else's was gonna have sort of a fantasy theme maybe it was like a themed wedding maybe she was like really into dnd or something you know i was expecting like oh shopkeeper and like oh made a you know they're here they're here oh okay okay everyone you've really got to play your parts did we want jessica to have the most special day and i think we can do that helping right here at Tiffany's okay ready and break ding-a-ling-ding-ding okay Jessica I got everything ready for you girl you have no idea what today is gonna be like um thanks I'm really excited this is my big day oh what what do we have over? Is that a hot security guard who's ready to walk you in? Uh, hey there My name is...

My name is Behemoth That was strange And I am here to escort you pretty young ladies over to the glass counter Oh, wow You make me feel like such a tiny, delicate miniature horse. Thank you so much, behemoth. Oh, wow. I didn't know that they had

this kind of service here. Yeah, this is making me feel very pretty and tiny. Shall I carry you? Do I have to carry her? Yes, you have to carry her. You have to carry her. Just the one, though. I don't have to carry both of them. No, no, no. Oh, are you offering to carry me, beh, Jesus. Just the one, though. I don't have to carry both of them. No, no, no, no. Okay. Oh,

are you offering to carry me, Behemoth? Why, yes, I would love it if you would get upon my back. Oh, I thought you would never ask. Whoa, girl, you fucking get it, bitch. Yes, get on. Wow, ride him, cowgirl.

Let's go to the glass case, Behemoth. Okay. Okay. Halt! Ew! Who's this disgusting troll who crawled out from seemingly under a bridge? It is me. My name is Gargoth. I am the troll from neath the Bridge, here to test you.

Seeing Gargoth in the store makes me realize how beautiful and rich I am, and how ugly and gross that guy is. Yes, bitch, it's your special day, and you are the hottest girl in this store. Thank you. I really feel it. Now, be gone, troll. I have to go pick out a diamond for my finger. No. I cannot let thee pass till you answer mine riddle. Uh-oh.

This is really going to put me to the test. Girl, you're smart as hell. I know you can answer whatever this ugly fuck has to say. Jesus. Manager, just, it's okay, it's okay. You're gonna get a huge commission off this. Huge commission. Okay, okay. I hope, I'm just saying I hope this girl has like a real budget.

You know what I mean? Like 100k or something. Troll, what are then questions? You have to get out of the way For it is my special day Okay Oh Here is my riddle Oh

What is so ugly So pathetic So worthless That to look upon it Is almost worth All the money in the world. You. That's right.

It's me. Jessica, you are so smart. I feel wise with my smiles. It's time to go get my ring on my special day. Oh, my God. Everyone starts clapping for her. We love you, Jessica. We love you, Jessica. We love you, Jessica.

We love you. We love you. Hey, can I take my break now? I feel like I'm leafing through. There's still one more part of dialogue. Right, but there's a kind of... No, you see after she gets to the glass case. After she gets to the glass case, you see how you re-enter.

Oh god, I didn't realize. Sorry, I thought that was a different... Nope, it says ugly troll from under the bridge. Yeah, I guess I was hoping that was someone else. Oh, we have arrived at the glass case. Thank you, Behemoth. Hello, Jessica. I am Tilde.

I am the keeper of the jewels, and I will only give out the most special jewel to the most special bride in the land. I love this part. Thank you. Yeah, we thought you were just like hot. And that's why we gave you this part. It's fantastic.

Oh, wow. You are making me feel so special. May I be able to see that ring over there? You have incredible taste. This is our most exclusive band we have. Let me just get that out of the box. May I slide it on? If you can fit, I have such tiny, delicate hands.

Ah, nobody expected. Nobody expected the troll back. That ring belongs to me, little girl. Oh, God. Oh, I'm taking... And now it says I run out of the store with the ring. Yes, you have to run out with the ring. And I let her stop me?

What does that... Yes, because it makes her feel like she's taking control of her narrative. Okay. And that's how she wants to feel on her big day. Okay, sure. Oh, it is mine. She punched me in the throat get down give me the ring back this is my day ring you fucking psychopath i sucker punch again in the throat nobody is nobody seeing this shit you're just gonna stand

anybody take my special day away from me. I am Lady Jessica, and you are but a troll, man. What the fuck? I would like to buy this here ring, please. Yes. Actually, before I do, can we all stop for a second? Can we stop this? Jessica, are you okay you okay no it's just

like i i'm actually a little upset and i hate to raise my voice because you know i don't like getting angry but um that guy pointing to troll man that guy kind of made the day awful for me he's like using an inhaler in the corner i am so sorry we are trying to do everything we can your special day shut up damien we are trying to do everything we can to make this your special day shut up damien we are trying to make this the most special day for you um how can we help i guess it's just like he he made me feel stupid and he made me feel ugly and he made me feel um dumb for punching him in the throat even though it's just really in the moment of course you were of course you were i am so sorry so maybe i should just take my 100k budget somewhere else everyone's eyes

white no no we would not want you to do that we do not we do not want damien for the love of christ be quiet no i'm sorry i didn't realize sorry we do not want to lose any business not even just business we don't want to lose your patronage to our incredible star. So, Damien, why don't you apologize to Jessica? Okay. I'm sorry, Jessica. For what? I'm sorry that I didn't play the character right for you.

I'm sorry that my portrayal of Gargamoth wasn't to your standards. And what else? I guess I'm sorry I'm ugly and worthless and that I got in your way, maybe? Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much. That really means the world to her. I guess I'd like to check out now, now that all of the

knots have been tied and I'm feeling like there are no loose ends. Okay. Damien, will you check her out, please? Yeah, I guess. Come over here. There's a register. Sorry, would you mind following me to the register? Madams?

That's more like it. Will you be liking a gift bag today? You know what? I'd like something more than a gift bag. I would like for this whole team at Tiffany's to do a reprise performance at my wedding. A reprise performance performance of of today be your characters at my big day everyone's like oh yeah i get to be the hot witch again i get to be the beautiful sorceress i love this do we get paid for that, or?

In exposure. Okay, but you won't buy the ring if we don't, if we say we won't do that. I won't buy the ring if you don't do that. You can just swipe, or I think it's a chip, $98,000. Cut to the wedding. We gather here today under the watchful eye of God to bring these lovely couple together. Do you, Byron, take Crystal? Jessica. Sorry, Jessica. I'm sorry.

I'm Crystal. Behemoth didn't Jessica. Sorry, Jessica. I'm sorry. I'm Crystal. Behemoth didn't get much prep time for this. Behemoth came from his second job where Behemoth caters. And so he was not expecting to have this level of role at the wedding. Thought maybe he could stand in the back and watch. Can you please get us married, Behemoth? Right. If anybody has anything that they'd like to say,

why these two... I look at the crowd looking for the troll. Why these two should not be together, speak now or forever hold your peace. I said speak now or forever... I said I also speak now or forever. I also said speak now. Do it. Oh, shit.

Anyone have anything to say? Oh, it's me. Gargamoth was having a cigarette. He thought he did not realize that the wedding had started, but he is here and he has a complaint to raise. Would you like my hand in marriage, Garkamoth? Do you want to steal me from Byron? Yes!

I run up, I punch him in the throat again. Oh, fuck! Come on! Entire congregation, yay! What the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha! Should we take a break? Yeah, let's do it And I said, what about breakfast at Gargamoth's?

And we're back And we're back. And we're back. Oh, Gargamoth. Oh, Gargamoth, I long to see you always. Should we do two more? Fuck it. Should we do two more? Fuck it.

Fuck it. Let's do it. This is a four-star review from Dean L. Dean L. Dean L. Dean L. Dean L. Four stars. This review is for breakfast.

I don't give a damn about jewelry or bags. I didn't watch the movie. No. I dreaded going here, but the girls insisted. Figured it would be superficial commercial experience and that the food would be unimpressive. I was totally wrong. Service was elegant. Without being off-putting, the food was great, and the cost was surprisingly on par with other Manhattan establishments. The fruit bowl has real fig in it,

and man, that tasted nice. My waffle was a little more cake-like than I prefer. All of the dishes at our table were somewhere between decent and great. Other tables looked pleased, too. My wife and daughter found that you need to attempt to book way ahead of time. Every millisecond counts, and you'll probably fail. Get on the notify me list and answer back immediately if they contact you. It may be worth it. At a poker night with the boys. You won't believe this.

Cindy turned five last weekend, and she made me do a tea party with her. Oh, that sounds kind of cute. No, it was awful and I hate, wait, what? Everyone's like, yeah, it sounds great. It sounds lovely. Yeah, I'm just saying it sounds pretty cute. I'm imagining

you and your daughter sitting down with her teddy bears or whatever, having a cup of tea. Pretty adorable image, my man. That's pretty, no, that's pretty cute. That's pretty cute. You know, it's like when, it's like time flies. Time flies so much when you have a kid.

And so it's like, dude, that's so lucky that she, like, she invited you into that space with her to do that at such a ripe young age, you know, as she, you know, it's like. And I, and I just want to take a minute here to commend you, you know, like just want to say like you know as a man like you know i know the way my father was when i was a boy you know like to see to see you embrace your feminine side like that and be that role model for your daughter i think you know i think that's uh you know what they would call hashtag girl dad i've seen everyone hashtag girl dad uh no but we interrupted you man what. What were you going to say? Something happened?

Oh, I was, uh, no, you know what? Never mind. It doesn't matter. I was going to say it was, I think, beautiful, right? Is that what you guys said? It was beautiful? Yeah, man. Thank you for telling us that.

Is that what you, we agree that's what you guys said? It was beautiful and special? Yeah. Why are you asking us, man? Dave, it was your daughter's, your special little girl. It was her kid's birthday. Speak your truth.

Speak from the eye. I mean, what? Well, I mean, I think, you know, yeah, like, time flies by and it's like, every day is a gift,

but it's like, we can all agree that it's like, pink, more like ugly. Like, I like blue and beer and baseball. And and so i would don't you ever wish your daughters were sons don't you wish your daughters were safe man where is this coming from

this is out of character and frankly out of line. I do not like this at all. No, no, no. We all agree. We're all men. When we heard our old ball and chains, we're pregnant. We're all thinking, oh, I hope it's a boy. Come on. Not at all.

Come on. No, man. I fully am like whatever gender this kid is, whatever gender that they are, who they want to be that's who i'm gonna love i don't care about the gender it's like it's just about the kid i love the kid i got a son i got a daughter i love them both equally and differently i mean it's you know it's just the nature of children what the fuck this is no way no you guys are pulling my leg. You're yanking my chain. Cut to 12 years later. It's prom night.

The daughter's date comes over. Hey there, Mr. Swanson. Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Hold on, Jimmy. Give me one second. He just comes back down with a fucking assault rifle. Whoa, Mr. Swanson. I'm sorry, my- Dad, dad, please stop. one second. He just comes back down with a fucking assault rifle. Whoa! Mr. Swanson. I'm sorry my... Dad, please stop. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Are you trying to fuck my daughter? Dad! Oh my god, stop. She's my little girl who I wish was a boy. This is crazy that you're here taking her out. Dad, put that away for the love of God. What the hell is wrong with you?

What? What am I doing wrong? Sorry. Jimmy, are you gonna have any weird intentions with Cindy or what? Weird intentions? What does that even mean? No, we're going to the

dance. We're going to prom tonight. And then we're going to go to Steph's house after. She's, like, throwing a party. Oh, okay. Well, hey, Cindy, why don't you wait? And her parents are going to be there if you're worried about, like... I don't give a shit about that. Cindy, why don't you wait in the party bus?

Jimmy, come in here really quick. I got to adjust your corsage. Yeah, adjust your corsage. Okay, hey, the keys are in the ignition. I left the gesture corsage. Yeah, a gesture corsage. Okay, hey, the keys are in the ignition. I left the hazards on. And I love that you're driving the party vest. I think that's really, really

cool. Of course, I would do anything for you including getting my class C driver's license. So, yeah, you just go wait in the car. I slap a beer into his hand jimmy my boy thank you mr starzoo but unfortunately i will be driving the party bus tonight so i'm not able to drink who gives a shit a beer on prom night is like is like water to a fish right right and while

i sort of understand that analogy i guess i would never feel right if i got behind the wheel after drinking alcohol with all my friends in the back i just sitting down what the fuck happened to guys i mean i'll have a beer later probably over at steph's house tonight so i'll probably have a a hazy ipa or two but i'm not what i had in his hands what happened happened to men? Sorry? I feel like everyone's different but me. Different how? Different, like, everyone's looking at me like, you're a bad guy and you say bad things.

Do you feel like a bad guy? Do you feel like you say bad things? No, I think I'm normal and good, but everyone else is treating me like i'm a fucking dinosaur yeah can i be honest with you jimmy i want you to slap me across the face with your honesty um walks over to the to the wall there's a big mirror hey just um just look at that. Right there. I hate looking at that. No, no, no. No comment. Check her hair and makeup.

Can you believe that? Come on, mister. Oh, fine. Fine. No commentary. I just like, I don't want you to say anything for just 20 seconds. Okay. Just look into the mirror it's funny just no i said just no talking just look at it stop don't close your eyes don't rub your eyes just look in the

mirror and look at the man because that's what you are right you're a man. Look at the man. Fuck yeah, I'm a man. Right. Look at the man that's looking back at you. It's a sexy motherfucker right there. Okay. So he's sexy. Okay. So that's a positive. Right. What else?

He's got a gun license. Sure. He's got a gun license. So he has hobbies. He has interests. What else? He's a family man. Yeah. He's a family man he's a family man yeah okay so his family's important to him so he's got values yeah uh i'm uh

fuck uh what else do i like i don't know what's the point of all this feels just keep looking just keep looking oh what do you see uh what do you see in his eyes look at his eyes what do you see behind those eyes getting to some cataracts okay so he's getting older he's maybe starting to think about legacy a couple gray hairs coming in sure wrinkles and crow's feet. Okay. Not all bad. They tell a story of a life lived. Wisdom. No?

I see. I see. Me. You see you. I see. A man who's made some mistakes. Yeah. But can learn from them. Let me ask made some mistakes. Yeah. But can learn from them.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah, Jimmy. When you look at that man, do you see any part of your daughter in his face? What? Cindy, she's a chick. Right. But she's 50% your dramatic material, no? Stop saying no after every sentence. It's like you're a French waiter.

I'm serious, no? The way your nose goes up a little bit at the end. Your eyebrows. Mine makes sense when it does it because I'm a guy. But I guess... No, that's stupid. No, what were you going to say? I guess the way that my mouth crinkles in the corner when I smile.

I see that in my Cindy Lou Who, you know? Cindy Lou Who, I like that. Only I can call her that. You can't call her that. No, and I wouldn't. And I wouldn't. I wouldn't take that away. I guess we have the same laugh.

You like hearing her laugh? Yeah, I just wish she laughed at my jokes. Oh, tell me more about that. She doesn't think I'm very funny. Right. Is it because you say stuff that she thinks is dated? Yeah. Out of touch, maybe?

Offensive, even? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Seriously, she's on the rag, and so maybe I think that that's why she's not very perceptive. Okay, well, I don't think we need to necessarily get into that. But here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back out to the party bus because I've been parked out there for longer than 15 minutes now.

So legally, I'm in a gray area right now. I need to go move the bus. And we've got a dance to get to. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to come back here next week, same time, and check in. Come back at 8 p.m. on a Tuesday? Yeah, just because, you know, your wife is at book club. Cindy usually is busy. You know, she has lacrosse.

So I just think it's going to be a time for you and I to just sit and talk. And for next week, I don't want you to think of it as homework but just something to pay attention to is moments where you think you're going to say something that might cause that reaction you don't like in Cindy that when she looks at you

that way as if to say well she doesn't think it's funny does she? No. Humor's all relative. I guess. So if she doesn't think it's funny does she no and humor's all relative i guess so she doesn't think it's funny don't say it but i think it's funny then keep it to yourself laugh in your head okay oh okay right now i gotta go i seriously the bus it's we're going do you have to go i know i know but i'll see you next week okay i don't want you to go no I'll see you next week, okay? I don't want you to go. No, I'll see you next week, but thank you so much for being open and honest and

sharing with me tonight. You sure you don't want a beer for the road? I am going to be driving a bus. I am 17. That is not okay. But thank you. Thank you. Oh, hey, honey. Hey.

How was book club? Oh, it was fine. Hey. How was book club? Oh, it was fine. We were doing a book that Susan suggested. I interrupt. I just grab your face and I just kiss you. It's deep, passionate kiss. Oh, my. What happened? What happened to me?

Where did that come from? A 17-year-old boy and I looked in a mirror for the better part of 20 minutes. Oh, Jimmy came over. Yeah. Yeah, he did that with me a few months back. What? Yeah, him and I have been actually, when you're at poker on Wednesdays, he comes over and we hang out for a little bit and we talk. I think we're going to be okay.

You know what? I think we're going to be great. Did I ever tell you the joke about the two women who walk into a shoe store on their periods. Yeah, you told me that one. Oh. Couple times. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. It's like in a cartoon, it goes inside his head and you just hear a little like,

That's a good one. Because they were on the rag. They went into the shoe store because they were on the rag. Women love buying high heels, spending money, and being on their periods. Here's what I know about women. They love to be on the damn period. This one is for the Tiffany's in D.C., District of Columbia. Oh, I'm ready for this. This is from Lauren M.

Lauren Madison. Lauren Madison. Feels like a porn star name. Oh, I was going to say it sounds like one of, like, a founding father's wife or something. But that's interesting. They're not mutually exclusive, honey. Okay. We all saw what Martha did. This is one star.

There were a bunch of protesters outside because Tiffany and Co. won't announce a fur-free policy. I won't go until the protests stop because I found it very disruptive. Protesting the protest. What do we want? An end to fur. When do we want it? Now. What do we want?

An end to fur. When do we want it? Now. Fur is murder. Come on, everyone. Fur is murder. Fur is murder. Yes. Excuse me, ma'am.

Yes, yes, what's up? That Tiffany's store that you were about to go into, are you aware that they are killing animals, electrocuting animals just so they can use their pelts to make tacky hats out of? Did you know that? No, I didn't know that.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me, I just need to run and I have to pick up an order. Oh, really? So you're funding the killing of animals. Are you aware of that or no? I'm sorry for laughing. I guess I just didn't know. Oh, murder is funny to you?

Murder is funny to you? You're laughing about murder? Would you be laughing if this was a person who was being killed for their skin? Murder is not funny. No, no, my God. Because that's what's happening in there. Person being killed for their skin? No, that's...

Tiffany makes jewelry. I'm sorry. No, they make fur jewelry. Fur jewelry? What even is that? It's like when you take like fur like a scarf or something and you put a bunch of diamonds i don't know exactly is that true or do they make that i don't know exactly what they do with the fur i never claimed to be a fur expert all i know is

that they are that they're making fur jewelry you're just making that up i assumed it was fur jewelry because it's a jewelry store and i know they're using fur. But they could be not using it for fur jewelry. That's very possible. But that's not the crux of the issue here, is it? That's not really what we're talking about when we talk about murder, is it? Well, no. Talking about murder is one thing, but you're stopping me from going in there because they're making fur jewelry, which I know is not a thing. If you show me a piece of fur, how about we go in there?

How about you come with me and we go in store and if they are making fur jewelry then i will stop spending money at tiffany's i swear on my children's lives fine yeah let's go in there or whatever yeah fine hey everybody i'm gonna go in to the store but it's part it's part of the protest it's no no it's part of the protest we were just oh's part of the protest. Oh, yay! When do we want him to go in the store? Now. And when? Okay, go into the store. Bye.

Bye. I think I covered that well. Oh, thank you so much, Deidre. How are you? I'm good, Sandra. Good to see you. Spits on her face. Murderess! Murderess! Murderess! Security guard comes over.

Oh my god! This protester just spit on me! Do you know, Mr. Security guard, that by working here, you're actually securing murderesses like this one? Murderess? What are you talking about?

You need to go. No, they kill animals here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jackson, Jackson, hey, it's me. It's Sandra. Oh, hey, Sandra. Good to see you. Sorry, this is a little experiment we've got going on. This protester. What is your name? I didn't get your name. Oh, interesting. Didn't occur to you to ask

my name until now. I am. No, you didn't ask my name. Interesting, Sandra. Interesting. What's your name? Polonius. That's not your name. Your name's not Polonius. I'm scared to tell you my real name because I'm worried I might commit a crime.

And if I tell you- Can I take this person out? No. No, no, no. We're doing an experiment. Polonius. Speaking of experiments. Speaking of experiments.

Oh my god. Did you know what they do to animals here? No. They test. They test jewelry on them. They do testing. Is that true? They do experiments.

Is that true? Yeah. They put. They will force feed them diamonds to see what happens and stuff. They'll do experiments on them. Polonius here is coming to show me the fur jewelry that's made at Tiffany's. Yes, the fur jewelry. Yes, we all know

this. So, Polonius, can you show me the place? Can you show me where... Okay, murderess. Lead the way, murderess. Sorry, I don't know what fur jewelry is. No, okay. I don't know. Drop the charade. Show us the fur jewelry, murderess.

Can you explain? And we have jewelry shaped like a bunny. We have a fox ring. We have... Oh, I'm playing done, Deborah. You know, it's like I'm living in a sitcom, the way everyone's acting today. No, fur jewelry...

Everyone's acting. I know you have a fox's skin with the hair on it and you've put you've like put gemstones in it or something you've like made it so it's like a piece of fur but also jewelry you've done something to it where it's both so show it i can't say i've ever heard of this what makes you think it is Is this some kind of Reddit, 4chan, 8chan conspiracy? Um, let's just say I don't use those. Okay, so then where did you hear this? I'm scared to tell you in case I commit a crime.

A polonius? Because then it might seem premeditated if you can find out where I said it. Where did you find this out? Instagram reels. Whose account? Liverking. Okay.

He said it like it was a good thing. He was like, they have fur jewelry there and it's tasty. Okay. Well, I'm going to continue my shopping here. Obviously, there's no such thing as fur jewelry. So I think you can step out. You can go. Listen, I agree.

Animal testing, horrible. Using pelts, awful. You know, I think it's maybe time that you can go protest that, where they do have unethical sourcing of pelts, you know, for fashion. Which would be, like, where? Not a jewelry store. You can protest jewelry stores for plenty of other reasons. Huh. Okay, well, I guess I learned a valuable lesson here today

about not necessarily taking everything for gospel. Okay, well, now why don't you get on out of here? Okay, thanks, Sandra guess I learned a valuable lesson here today about not necessarily taking everything for gospel. Okay, well, now why don't you get on out of here? Okay, thanks, Sandra. Plenty of sleep. Okay, Deirdre, can you put the fox pelt ring in the bag really, really quick? Just wrap that up really fast. Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Mademoiselle, can we interest you in something else today?

A little bit of mink with an emerald in its eyes. Oh, I will take that as a oui, oui. We pulled one over on that American. Idiot. Bolognese. What a fool. Everyone's wearing like socks. They were all wearing like huge parkas. Everyone's wearing Like They take

They were all wearing Like Like Huge Like parkas Like you know Trench coats They take them off

They're just covered Head to toe In fur It's animal pelts But like the eyes Are rubies And like Huge

Like philosopher's toe Just like the biggest And they're all They all have French They're all pretending Not to be French oh look at what we have silly Americans

let us make our minks kiss on the lips hey everybody Alfred here just cutting in when we were putting together the episode I was worried that some of the French stuff might come across as offensive so I just wanted to apologize to all of our French listeners and say we would never want the sketch to be about that.

Also, Riley cutting in here, uses of pelts are fine and have gone back a long time. Just don't make, don't use it as like a fucking scarf from Nordstrom, you know? Yeah, and as a fur fan myself. Okay, let's do our last segment. As a fursona lover. Okay, let's do our last segment. This shook me all along. What are you singing? Like the beginning of Barracuda?

Take a chance on me Okay Baby, I'm still free What's been shaking you? Take a dance on me ABBA? What's been shaking me and is ABBA? No

I Recently If you change your mind A couple weeks I went to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. Oh, Gorgina. Not Switzerland. Wisconsin. Which you may know, or you may not know, as the birthplace of Dungeons & Dragons.

You're lying. Gary Gygax. You can't just say stuff. Gary Gygax, the mastermind behind the game we know and love, Dungeons and Dragons, it was from Lake Geneva and he I went to the very house

the basement of which, and yeah you'll be not surprised to learn it was a basement. He invented Dungeons and Dragons and it was so fun because it's like like, not marked, really. It's, like, there's just... So you just broke into someone's house.

No, like, you can find the house, like, online, but then you go and it's just a house. But, like, you can, like, rent it out and, like, play D&D there. But the thing that was really funny is, like, you look on Google Maps and you're, like, and it's, like, the Gary Gygax Memorial.

And you're like, wow, the Gary Gygax Memorial. And you, like, go and it's, like, a fountain in this park where there's probably, like, three dozen little squares with the names of different donors from the, like, community. Whoa. One of which happens to be dedicated to gary gygax so it's not that the whole fountain is dedicated to him it's as if there's an entire park where there's one park bench that says in loving memory of gary gygax and they someone put on google so we went expecting this whole thing to be dedicated to him but But it's literally like, you know, John Martin, DDS, is one of the little bricks. And then the next brick says.

That is wild. And it was really funny. But it was a fun place. And I can see why you would invent D&D there. Because, well, there was nothing to do. Sure. It was a very boring place. But it was lovely.

It was a nice respite from this. That's so cool. That's such a wild. City life, I believe. Yeah, but it was lovely. It was a nice respite from this fast-paced city life I lead. Yeah, I don't know. Zooming about in my motor car. That's such a cool, random thing to do. And we didn't go there because... You made a pilgrimage.

No, seriously, we just went, and then we were like, well, what the fuck do we do now we're here? And we were like, wait, the house where D&D was invented? That's very cool. So it was very fun, and I thought of you where dnd was invented that's very cool so it was very fun and i thought of you of course because that's how we met because i'm cool and hot nope i wouldn't say either of those are true but live your truth mama uh and what's been shaking you my friend what has been shaking my ass besides that new massage chair you bought. What has been shaking my rumpus? What has been shaking me?

Come on. I talked about Gary Gygax for 45 minutes. I'm trying to think what else. God. We haven't recorded in a minute. And so it's. So much has happened. Well, you'd think that I would have something because so much has happened.

But in fact. So much has happened but so much has happened um huh i guess what has been shaking me okay she's gotta get there soon something it's something's been shaking me for sure the other other night, Daniel and I went to drinks for one of our best friends, Jay Lee. He turned 30 recently. And we surprised him at this bar for drinks. And I was just throwing on some makeup before we went. And it's like I have my go-to looks that I know I can do really quickly.

You put a tight to go and you rub it all over your lips you go to the hospital yes yes um but i don't know what possessed me but i decided i'm like what if i tried a cat eye what if i just tried it with some liquid liner and it was my first time trying it probably since i was in like high school and i i kind of bodied it like it wasn't amazing but for a first try and I think it's because we were in a rush we were going to be late and so I'm like no one time no thought and I just like did it and it worked I think had I had more time to be like okay let's try it slowly then it wouldn't have happened um yes and so I've been trying it and I've done it like two or three times since uh and I'm really proud of myself for that because it's just you just kind of kind of go for it and do it and practice makes perfect. But yeah, so that's been cool to know that I can do that.

And especially with like a liquid liner that it's, you know, not an easy task, not an easy task. So, yeah, I guess I'm a makeup guru. Is that fair to say you're an mua yes yeah yeah i'm i'm i'm i'm makeup artist you're the band um have you ever seen um the netflix competition reality show about makeup the name of which is escaping me at this moment is it the one that trixie and katya like they reviewed it one time they would like to did like a netflix i like to watch video probably that's to make sense yes I've seen it through that I know what you're talking about though yep good show where can people find Alfred I guess they can find

Alfred I know you're all thinking oh we want more elf we want more elf we want more elf nobody's thinking that but you can find elf on Instagram at Alfred in it you cannot find one Twitter even though he should have a Twitter uh you can find the show on Instagram at reviewInIt. You cannot find him on Twitter, even though he should have a Twitter. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview, Reddit r slash ReviewReview, and on Discord, ReviewReviewDiscord, HeadGum.

And you can find Riley Anspa on Instagram.com, only the web browser, not the phone app, at RileyAnspa, and on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts, at RileyCoyote.

And of course, as we say every single episode, you're so sick of us saying it. Every single episode we're saying it. Every single episode we're saying it. Every single one. Every single one. Christ. Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Christ Bye Bye bye Yes there were times I'm sure you knew When Elf got left On review review He asked us all Don't talk about That stupid act But I threw it out

I ignored it all And I stood tall And did it Elsewhere That was a Hidgum Original.