Review Revue - Tums

Episode Date: November 21, 2023

Reilly and Alfred are back to investigate a murder on the poop deck and get a hall pass for a voice. This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. I've got it three times so far. Thought I might go chop some wood.

Then I noticed my scar. Started highlighting script notes. While I scroll through Instagram. And as I clicked on the wrong page. Got a pop-up that began. Thank you, micro, with bananas. Plenty of oats every day. Gotta pop up that Beacon If you microwave Bananas And he rolls everyday

If you like Feline puppets And you hate Jeffy James If apple picking is a Pastime For your 80 Brain

Then I'm the weirdo you search for hit me up and let's vape that was awesome I love that one that was great that was so good that was so good

oh my god that was oh no. Hold on. I lost it. Wait, wait. Sorry, Daniel. Cut this out. Cut this out.

I'm so sorry. Hold on. Sorry, Daniel. Cut this out. Okay. That was from, that was from Lorne. Not Michael's, but Lorne. It's Lorne Mintz from Toronto.

After listening to the episode where Alf tried to rationalize microwaving frozen bananas as something that normal humans do, I was inspired to write this character assassination song dedicated to one Alfred Douglas Barnwell Evans, exemplifying all the quirkiness that makes him a special little boy. It's a parody of Escape or the Pina Colada song, so it's called Vape or the Microwave Bananas song. That was awesome. Wow. I really like feline puppets. It was a really good callback to your weird puppet that you had. I think we should bring him back.

He was kind of a fan favorite character and you loved him too. And everyone was obsessed. Wait, and they were begging me to do the bit again. Oh my god, literally everyone, everyone's obsessed. Wait, and they were begging me to do the bit again. Oh my God. Literally everyone, everyone's obsessed. Before we get into hearing how your day is, how my day is, today's a very special day.

Why's that? Because there's a lot of birthdays on this day, November 28th, actually. First of all, it is Jeffrey James' birthday. No way. Yeah. Happy birthday, Jeffrey! Happy birthday, Jeff. We love you, or at least I do.

Scorpio makes sense. He's a Scorpio king. I hope you have a fantastic birthday. And there's also another birthday today. We got an email from our friend Michelle. And Michelle reached out saying that she and her boyfriend have been together for almost two years and have bonded over their sense of humor. And when she was getting to know him, thought he was the funniest person until he introduced her to Review Review, realized that all of his jokes were ripped off from me and Jeff. During this time, he's also made it very apparent that he shares his birthday with Jeff and he's expressed how proud he is of that.

Well, I don't know how proud to be. You didn't do it, right? It was your parent. Ew, don't say your parents did it. That's fucking gross. No, I meant like your parents made the birth. Ew! You didn't do it. Your parents made the birth? Since then,

Michelle has waited for her boyfriend and Jeff's birthday to align on a Tuesday and luckily this is the year. It's also extra special, spends her boyfriend's turning 21. Hey, happy, happy birthday from all of us here at Review Review. It's also Jon Stewart's birthday. You know that? I was going to say all of us.

It's me, Alf, and Daniel. So happy birthday. And happy birthday, Jon Stewart, who's definitely listening to the show. He's a huge fan. Alf, what's new with you? Now that we've got all the birthday housekeeping out the way, what's new? Crazy. I guess I'm feeling pretty crazy today.

No, what's new with me? I ate so much Thanksgiving food yesterday. A little Friendsgiving. A little Friendsgiving. Giving friends for all the thankful I have in this world. And I ate so much mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn pudding. Oh, love a corn pudding. It was a great time.

I made an apple pie, and it was, I don't want to brag, but it was amazing. I mean, it was the best. I don't want to brag, but it was pretty mid. I don't want to brag, but people didn't throw up when they ate it. They did not. There was no improvement. Oh, well, that sounds lovely.

I didn't know that you had enough friends. I didn't know that you had enough friends to do a Friendsgiving. There was no. Oh, well, that sounds lovely. I didn't know that you had enough friends. I didn't know that you had enough friends to like do a Friendsgiving. Two is enough. I didn't even know you had that. No, there were actually five other people there. So you can eat shit. I'm actually popular as hell. You absolute witch.

I'm so over you. Well, what's new with me? Didn't ask. Don't give new with me I'm back dog sitting At my mom's house Red and Max have Kennel cough So they ultimately have kennel cough And Ruby doesn't which is good

But Red and Max are just two wiggly boys Who sound like they're hacking up Why do you think Ruby didn't get it? Because Ruby is as old as the wind and she kind of transcends. Seems like a reason she would get it. No, but like she kind of transcends the physical. How old is she?

She's 10, but for a little, she's a wolfhound mix. That's like very old because she's so big. She's an old sweet girl, but the boys are just like they wiggle and then just like red max are both four oh and so they're just like hacking up lungs but then still wiggling um they did uh wake me up at four today and then wouldn't stop until six like trying to bang on my door to feed them and that's like 12 hours before you normally get up that's

really bizarre shut up um but 18 hours something that I did this is not my what shook me but I did tell Alf we were on the phone this morning and I'm like I'm gonna save this for the pod because I did something that in my head I have famously I have an addictive personality and

um since the new Hunger Games movie is, I guess, out already. I'm so scared. I'm like, oh, you know what? I haven't seen the Hunger Games movies in a really long time. I actually don't think I've seen either of the Mockingjay movies because there's Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Mockingjay,

part one, and then part two. And so in the span of two days, I have ultimately watched all four Hunger Games movies. Oh my god. I watched Hunger Games the other night, and, I have ultimately watched all four Hunger Games movies. Oh my God. I watched Hunger Games the other night and then I'm like, well,

I'm like, huh, it's still, the night is young. Might as well watch Catching Fire. I kind of, I watched the first half of Catching Fire

at nighttime and then I watched the other half the next day and then I'm like, oh, well, I'm making dinner.

Might as well put on Mockingjay. Watch Mockingjay part one. I actually, I haven't fully watched all four. I have half of Mockingjay part two it was you wanted to savor it you're like oh this is too good no it's just it's a lot I realized I'm like oh that's four movies in two days that's a lot yeah that is a lot um but it feels but the way because it's all the same kind of world it does ultimately feel like it's a limited series yeah still like eight hours of content in two days. If you told me you watched an entire limited series in two days, I'd be like, are you are you COVID again?

Can I just say and can I just say. Don't say that you have a huge crush on President Snow. Nobody wants to hear about. But hey, Tom Blythe, young President Snow. Oh, baby. No, I do have a crush on Finnick O'Dare. You don't like Finnick? No, it's not that I don't.

I mean, yeah. I mean, he's got that kind of... He's got that kind of loving... He's got that sort of Gary Oldman and... Sam Claflin? Come on Yeah Oh I thought you were talking about the fucking

Um You thought I was talking about Woody Harrelson Be honest bro that's more normal For you Yeah Finnick O'Dare is incredibly hot I know Sam Claflin is a babe

I cannot believe That you thought i was i will say though i will say there's some parts of i think catchy part what's his name what's the character's name uh um hamish hamish i love him there are some moments i'm like maybe but no it's really just finished. I ship it. But we're not here. No, wait. I have a quick question.

I have a quick question. Okay. Whose team were you on at the time? Oh, gosh. I honestly don't really remember because I was so much more of a Twilight girlie. Right. And you were? I was Team Edward.

Okay. That tracks. But then I remember reading New Moon and I was like, but Jacob really cares about her and he didn't abandon her. But Jacob would be so much cuter with their baby anyway. I was desperately in love with Edward Cullen. But in terms of, I know Elizabeth Valenti was very, she loves PETA. She was very heavily team PETA.

I guess I was PETA. I don't know. I don't really remember that much. What about you? Thank you for asking. I was absolutely 100% devoted team PETA Griffin. Okay, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Let's keep going.

Let's get this baby on the road. We're not here to talk about Peter Malaric. We're not here to talk about Peter Griffin. Peter Griffin. We're here to talk about something calming. Something festive. But also something perennial. Calming, festive, and perennial?

We're talking Tums. That's the new tagline, yeah. Calming, festive, perennial. Tums. Alf, talk to me about Tums. It's the holiday season. We've just passed Thanksgiving. You hear that?

I bet you're having, that's kind of like, that's the CVS brand, Tums, isn't it? No, this is the Walgreens brand. Thank you very much. I love a Tum. I love a Tum. I am absolutely a person who was afflicted by, I can't remember if I told this.

Gird. Early Gird gets the worm, you know. I also have parasites. No, I do have. Parasites and heartburn. I do suffer from a lot of heartburn. I can't remember if I told this story on the podcast or indeed if I told this story to you at all. But recently, a few, like a month or two ago, I was walking down the street and there was two children, a little brother and sister, and, you know, maybe like five and seven.

And they had a lemonade stand. And they were offering lemonade. and i don't want to drink that shit um you know what i don't trust children you know i'm not gonna drink just like they're probably they're different they're grubby mitts in there anyway and i'm you know on the phone with you probably or someone and i'm walking down the street and they like start like harassing me and they're like lemonade sir lemonade and i just go i'd love to kid but my heartburn is killing me you're fucking lying to a seven-year-old what the fuck is wrong with me i don't know how to talk to people let alone i would love to kid but

my heartburn is killing me all right grandfather somebody stop me and then i and then i put my mask on and i started dancing um to the song cuban pete and the cops all joined to conga um but now i have heartburn a lot i eat fucking too many times probably i don't know i think it's bad for you to eat too many right i don't know we're gonna find out a little secret i've never had a time you've never had a time what do you not have heartburn never no i hate your ass right now i've never had a time i've never had an antacid i lately i've been having a little bit of acid reflux but i'm like oh is that acid reflux or is that just like a little indigestion and it's if i'm asking it's probably the latter because there's no pain involved and what do you think you did what do you think you do right what did i do right yeah why was i curse and you're not

i think it's because it's like i know how to interact with children you think that's why in a way that isn't crazy for talking to children like they're 80 yeah uh no i've never had a tum but i have my i have memories of my father taking tums and i thought it was candy because it does look like it looks candy smells like candy so i kind of tastes like candy smells like candy and so i always thought like oh maybe but then like there's something about the look and the i don't again the chalkiness the texture it just seems like a giant sweet tart and a lot of reviews i've seen are about people being like i pop pop these suckers like they're candy. And that can't be good for you. I can't imagine that would.

Because it's also, there's like a chalky film on the, there's like a powder that kind of lines the inside of the Tums thing. But then I remember seeing that it's like a bunch of different flavors. There's like, you know, an assorted flavor. Then there's like a tropical smoothie blend of flavors. There's Tums Naturals, which I don't really know what that is. It's flavored with natural flavor rather than artificial.

Okay. There's no joke. That's just what it is. Don't be upset with me. Don't look at me like little condescending shit. No, I just think it's natural. Actually, it's natural, and if you were interested in doing any research on your own, and instead of just, you know, blah, blah, blabbing.

You're a misogynist. Yes, actually. I'm really good at back rubs. So, oh my God. That was good. No, so I've never had a tum. Yeah, I think at first I thought that they were, when I was little, I thought that they might be

also like Alka-Seltzer, like something you put in water. And then I'm like, oh no, those are just things you just pop the sucker. You're right, they do feel like just big Smarties. That's actually a perfect way of describing what I feel like the texture and taste might be. And Smarties are bad and they're small enough. No, I like a Smartie.'re small enough no I like a Smartie

I like a Smartie we need to set an intention before we dive into I'm so sleepy you're tired I'm so tired bro no I don't want the intention to be the sleepiest episode

that's terrible okay this isn't going to be the most boring episode yet That's the lowest energy. That's terrible. Okay. This isn't going to be the most boring episode yet. Low bar. I think this is, I would like to set the intention that this is the most nauseous episode yet. Yeah, and I'd like to be Queen of England, love, but that's not going to happen anytime soon either. Okay, fine.

Nauseous? You really want to make it... So you didn't want to make it sleepy, but you're happy to make it the most nauseous episode. Yeah. Okay. Does Tums affect nausea, or is it just heartburn and indigestion? They can be related.

Nausea can be a symptom of heartburn or indigestion. Also, they always say on the front that they can help with sour stomach. That is foul. This is going to be the most sour episode yet. Oh, I'm puckering. This is going to be the most sour ep yet. Alf, do you want to kick us off with our first sour?

Sure. But I do want to say, Riley, as we set the intention here yeah um I just want to say that um we are we've been doing a poor job of um following the intention recently and I think that we really need to make sure that we're committing this episode to it being I'm committing I don't I in my head I don't feel like the intention means that it's like, oh, the scenes have to be in the same realm. No, I understand that. It didn't sound like you do. No, I understand that.

I just mean, like, I'll speak from the I. I feel, I feel statement. Like, for myself, recently, we've been setting the intention, and then I immediately forget about it. Okay, great. Sour. Sour. Sour. Sour. I hardly know her.

This is one star for Noah. Noah Zark. Noah Zark. Sorry, Noah Zark. It's interesting that you're going to say Noah Zark was actually a very prescient name that you gave him there. This is for Tom's

chewable bites, assorted berry 60 tablets. 60, you know, little ones. One star from Noah Zark. From Tony and Noah Zark. One star. Beware. No.

These made me poop my brains out on a cruise ship on the Baltic Sea. No! Not Noah's Ark! Do not ever take them. My insides became my outsides. Oh my god! Sorry! I need you to read that

again. I was just so taken aback that the Noah's Ark had an incident on a ship. One star. These made me poop my brains out on a cruise ship to read that again i was just so taken aback that like the the noah zark had an incident one star these made me poop my brains out on a cruise ship on the baltic sea in the baltic sea that's really good do not ever take them my insides became my outsides nightmarish like john carpenter net like horror my insides became my outsides these tums turned me inside out on a cruise ship on the baltic that sounds like a crime scene yeah all right uh i'm detective weathers thank, everyone. I know everyone wants to disembark,

but unfortunately, we are going to have to question some of you on the ship. If you weren't aware, there is a horrible, horrible, horrible thing that has happened on, and I hate to say this, but ultimately it is the poop deck. It is no pun intended. No laughing, please. No laughing, please. My word. This man, this poor man's

insides became his outsides in a disgusting act of human, just pure, pure atrocity. So, uh, I know I have a list of maybe about, uh, three people, four people who were on the poop deck when this incident occurred. So if anyone wants, I can pick whoever wants to go first. But if anyone wants to volunteer as tribute, they can walk up and talk to me right now. Please, officer, could we take this interrogation downstairs into the hold? It's awful cold and wet up here on the deck. Yes, we absolutely can.

All right, everyone else, you stay up here outside on the deck. Yes, we absolutely can. All right, everyone else, you stay up here outside on the deck. Unfortunately, it is raining. I cannot do anything about that. All right, ma'am, let's go downstairs. You're not taking my wife there alone, are you? I am. This is a federal investigation.

Absolutely not. I don't know how you do it over here in America, but back in England, my wife and I will be interrogated together. Thank you very much. Well, too bad that we are on international waters. That is not how this will be going down. So, sir, I'm going to have to kindly ask you to wait upstairs.

Quite all right. I'll go with the officer. Don't worry about it. All right. All right, man. Cut to just like they're in her broom closet. Apologies for the lack of any class in this. You know, you seem like a classy lady yourself, and I wish we could have better accommodations.

But, you know, this is where we're working with what we got. Don't you worry, officer. Looks can be deceiving. Believe it or not, I was a nurse with the Red Cross during the war. Oh, that's very nice now what is your name ma'am margo margo oh margo martindale that's right margo martindale at your service but it's spelled margo like e-a-u-x yes the kind of annoying french one i beg your pardon oh i thought you brits would like that joke yeah you

know those damn frogs or whatever well you know the key to a woman's heart what's the issue officer i don't understand why i'm being interrogated well the issue uh mrs martindale is that you happen to be call me margo okay mrs margo martindale there you happen to be on the poop. Call me Margo. Okay, Mrs. Margo. Martindale. You happen to be on the poop deck at the same time that Mr. Zark, for lack of a better word, internally combusted.

It remains unclear what the cause of death was. We just know that his insides became his outsides. His stomach became his sweatshirt and his spleen became his pants. Oh, my word. Yes, it's quite shocking. So, Mrs. Martindale, Margo Martindale, where were you at 14.05 p.m.?

Well, I was on the dick,, taking my afternoon walk with my husband. Oh, so you and your husband were together. Of course. We didn't go anywhere without each other. Yes, it does seem that way. And does he ever let you out of his sight? I mean, I know I under federal law, I have to investigate

you alone. Officer, are you married? My wife died a couple years ago. Oh, that's heart-breaking. I'm so sorry. Officer, are you married? Uh, my wife died a couple years ago. Oh, that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. Uh, no, it's okay. She was, uh, you know, it was... When she got sick, I kind of started pulling away because it became a little bit of a burden

to me, and I didn't want to have to deal with that, so honestly, it's better this way. You seem like maybe not the best. Uh, well... Kind of a bad guy. No, no, not the best. Oh, well... Kind of a bad guy. No, no, no, no. I'm a good guy. You said your wife got sick and you left

her. I didn't leave. I just emotionally pulled her back. You withdrew emotionally. I mean, some would argue that's just as bad. Anyway, Mrs. Martindale, your husband never lets you out of his sight. Well, young man, you see, during the war, when we were separated, and he was over in France, and things were tough. And once he came back, I said, we promised each other we'd never leave each other's sides from that day forward.

Okay, so, um, did anything seem out of the ordinary when you and your husband were taking your stroll? Can I ask you a question, officer? I would really prefer I am the one interrogating you. Are you new to this? New to... Being a policeman or otherwise, you know, interrogating people. Does it seem like I am? I've been on a lot of cross-Atlantic steamers in my time and murders quite frequent

and this is not my first rodeo, darling, but I somehow wonder if it is. Your questions seem to be terribly rambling, far too concerned with my personal life when I think the murderer actually is quite clear who did it. Oh! I was gonna ask if you thought anything was weird, you know,

on the... This is my first international murder's my first international murder. Yeah, I mean, normally I do kind of local beats. You know, it's like someone's run over by a milk truck. Someone's dog got out and snatched someone's face off. You know, some easy, open-shut cases like that. Can I give you a piece of advice, darling? Please.

Nine times out of ten on a steamer murder, what's happened is, it's a little bit of a closed box case, right, where it seems like everyone who could possibly be a suspect is on board already, right? Yeah. And then you line all the suspects up on the deck and you say, well, we've narrowed it down, so it simply must be one of these six people because these are the last six people left on the boat. Okay.

But what you haven't done, my dear boy, is checked the engine room, where I guarantee you, money, my hand to God, that there is a man lying in wait in the engine room for you to arrest the wrong person so he can sleek off in the dead of night. Because, of course, you haven't even considered him a suspect because he's so away. He was never on the manifest to begin with. Now, Mrs. Monaghan...

But what do I know? It's nine times out of ten is all I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Interestingly enough, Mrs. Martindale, you know a lot about this. And if I had my druthers, it would seem like this might be the one out of ten times it's not the man in the boiler room.

Oh, darling, everybody likes to think that they're going to be the one out of ten. And that might be you. I'm going to bring your husband in next. Why don't you head up back to the poop deck? Better not be too long. We've got tickets to the opera tonight. Well, I'll make your husband sing like a canary for me.

Oh, I think you'd be the one who'd be punished in that situation. His voice is rather grating. Cut to Mr. Martingdale. Welcome, Mr. Martingdale. Welcome, Mr. Martingdale. What's all this, then? Well, what's all this is, I think... Had my wife alone in here for hours. God knows what you did with each other. We had a very nice conversation, Mr. Martingdale.

Your wife's a lovely stand-up woman. Now, Mr. Martingdale, if you stop snarling, maybe you and I could talk a little bit. Mr. Martingdale? What? Did you killling, maybe you and I could talk a little bit. Mr. Martingdale? What? Did you kill Mr. Zark on the poop deck? I thought it was my first question.

Did you turn his insides out? Can I ask you something, lad? Young man, can I ask you something? Yeah. Have you ever been married? I did this whole song and dance with your wife. I was previously married, yes. Well, maybe.

This is why you should have interrogated us together, like I originally suggested. Why do you with your wife. I was previously married, yes. Well, maybe this is why you're going to interrogate us together, like I originally suggested. Why do you want to know if I was married? During the war, I saw heinous things. You can't even imagine. Why would I have the stomach now to turn a man inside out? Well, I don't know you for a matter, Mr. Martindale. That's why I'm asking you, point blank. Did you do it?

Saved me a lot of time. If you just said yes, we could get you a nice plea deal. Did Margot not explain to you that nine times out of ten, it's the boy in the boiler room? She did, and she was so adamant about that that I couldn't help but think that maybe one of you two's there. It's a biannual occurrence. Least twice a year, we're on a steamer over from England to America

to see the opera and the Met, and all of a sudden, murder on the poop deck. I'm going to have to ask you opera at the Met and all of a sudden, murder on the poop deck. I didn't do it. I'm gonna have to ask you and your wife to stay on board while I go check the engine. Okay, that's fine. I creep down there. It's really dark.

Alright. And engine room. Here we go. Okay. Breathe, breathe. Here we go. Okay. Breathe, breathe. Here we go. One, two, three. Bust in. Detective, Detective Jelinski.

Put your hands where I can see them. Oh, sorry, officer. I don't think I quite understand. Oh, they were right. It is you. I'm the- I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me. What are you talking about? What's is you. I'm the- I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me. What are you talking about?

What's your name? I'm just the engineer. I'm down here just checking the engine out before our return voyage. Yeah, likely story. You're down here washing your hands clean of the horrible murder you committed on the poop deck to Mr. Noah Zark. What are you talking about? I've been down here for the last eight hours. Look at my hands. They're covered in coal dust.

Nine out of ten. You just put the coldest of your hands to hide the blood that you couldn't wipe off down here. Officer, I think you're mistaken. Maybe this is the one time out of ten that it's not the guy hanging out in the boiler room. They all want to be the nine times out of

ten, but I, oh wait, I mean they all, you all, you wanted to be the one out of ten.. They all want to be the nine times out of ten. But I, oh wait, I mean, they all, you all, you wanted to be the one out of ten. No, you wanted to be the one out of ten. Oh, now I'm all confused

because it really seems like you didn't do it, but also the, the fancy people upstairs it seems like they did. Officer, can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Yeah.

You ever been married? Why does everyone care about my marital status? Because it's very unusual to have a police officer on a steamer who's not. Is that a weird thing? Yes. Nine times out of ten, you guys are married.

Well, I'm the one out of ten. Guess you are. Did you kill Mr. Zark? Just, like, please make it easy for me. I'm kinda getting seasick i did are you lying yes i just felt bad i felt bad for you who are you covering for i look you look green in the face man i i feel sick go home i got a sour feeling in my tummy. Okay, wait a minute. Did you kill him?

No. Okay, then who are you lying for? Who are you covering for? Nobody. I told you I'd be down here for eight hours. You know a lot more than you're letting on, Mr. Engineer. Can I give you a piece of advice? Holy shit, your voice changed. Can I give you a piece of advice?

And you aged like 15 years. Can I give you a piece of advice? And you aged like 15 years. Can I give you... 30 years! Yeah, tell me, wise old man! Yeah! This thing's a lot bigger than you know. I wouldn't bite off more than you can chew. Oh my god, you're dying. Yes.

Well, please, before your final breaths, you are aging so rapidly. Our time is brief. Tell me, tell me who killed Mr. Zark! Marco. I knew it! I knew it! Runs back

up. People are trying to disembark the ship. Wait! Wait! Climbing through people. Margo Martindale! Margo Martindale! Trying to look for her. Margo! Margo! You're under arrest for the murder of Noah Zark! It is preposterous, darling. Everyone gasps, turns. It's her.

Did she do it? Oh, my God. Me? Marco Martindale? Famed socialite? There's no possible way. Where's your proof, boy? It all adds together.

You and your husband were on the poop deck. You never go anywhere without each other. It's a perfect alibi. So, while your husband was kind of huffing and puffing all about the deck, making a big show of it, his shoe was untied. He bent down. And while he was making a big show of that, you ran over to Noah's Ark and you took a knife and you fully just spliced the shark all the way through.

Pulled him inside out and then ran back to your husband. And that's the engineer saw you. You gave him a big ruby which I found in his pocket downstairs in the boiler room. You gave it to him to keep it a secret because you knew that nine times out of ten, it's the man

in the engineer room. But this time, it was the one out of ten. Just like me, the unmarried Detective Jolinski. Clever boy. Clever boy. Clever, clever boy. Oh, you think you've caught us, have you?

Darling. That's how you know that there's always a murder on the poop deck because it's you two. Every damn time. Yes, darling. Always was and it always will be. You're coming to the station with me, Mrs. Every damn time. Yes, darling. Always was, and always will be. You're coming to the station with me, Mrs. Martindale. Oh, my dear lad, I do think it's rather the opposite.

I'm not going to the station with you. Oh, I'm sorry for what I must do. You seem like such a nice boy. I'm sorry. What? Pulls a nice boy. I'm sorry. What? Pulls a revolver. Oh, no, Mrs. Martindale, Mrs. Martindale. You don't want to do this. You all saw it, didn't you?

He admitted to the crime. You all heard it. No, what are you talking about? I heard it. No, well, he's crazy. Both of you are crazy. No, no. That cop murdered somebody on the poop deck.

No, I didn't. We all, she admitted to it. Officers, get him! Get him! Wah! Tackled. We got him, Mrs. Martindale. Oh, thank you. You're such a good officer. Me and my husband are late for the opera.

Could we possibly get an escort? Absolutely, ma'am. We're happy to. Cut to Jelinski sitting in a prison cell. And that was that. Put me in the slammer for a crime I didn't even commit. I don't like blood.

Freaks me out. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just to think about it. But now I'm doing time and I didn't even do the crying. Maybe if I had been married, all this would have been different. But I guess that's life for the one out of ten. It's just the odds. Just the hand I was dealt.

I guess I'm just going to have to figure out what the rest of my life looks like down here. Just another day in the life of an unmarried detective. Case closed. Are you going to finish your meal? You can have it. So much talking. Sorry. Let's take a break and we're back um i kind of hey riley why don't you read a review

for us okay I was gonna say I kind of love Margo Martindale I mean she's a she's a national treasure I love her she's kind of crazy um hold on I I picked a lot I think it's really tell I think it's really telling that you call women crazy I think it's like

okay and normal just call women crazy okay here we go this is for this is from you can give this person a last name cat mom okay cat mom crothers

cat mom crothers sort of a play on scat man crothers cat mom crothers this is five stars for Tom's assorted pack I think there's like Sort of a play on Scatman Crothers. Catmom Crothers. This is five stars for Tums assorted pack. I think there's like 300 in there. Five stars.

The title is fresh on time and great tasting. It's nice that the new Tums are not the same as the old chalky Tums. I need to eat two of these a day, according to my doctor, to get my calcium equivalent. These are really good. I actually look forward to my daily treat. It breaks your heart. It breaks your heart. It breaks your fucking heart, man. It breaks your heart.

To allow yourself such little pleasure. Your daily treat are two doctor ordered Tums a day. Have a fucking cupcake. Have a bowl of ice cream, man. Nobody's making you do that. Doctor's orders, I get a daily treat. And my treat are two Tums.

Yum, yum. Tums. Doctor. Yum, yum. Tum, tum. Yum, yum. Tum, tum. The new Tums ad is just like, you know, in the way that it's like they make like sort of like chocolate commercials, but especially like Dove or Lint or something that's like weirdly sexual. It's like fall into the bliss of dark and milk chocolate truffles. It's like, it's a sexy Tom's ass.

Is this thing on? I'm ready to do the, I'm ready to read the copy if you guys are ready to record. Yeah. Yeah, just hold on one sec. We're just, sorry, we're just nailing guys are ready to record. Yeah. Yeah. Just hold on one sec. We're just – sorry. We're just nailing something down in the booth. Yeah. No.

Yeah, I know. But they approved the copy. They approved the copy. But the – So the – It's not – The client approved the copy. Yes.

It's not our job. It's kind of our job. We're not editors. No. We're audio engineers. We literally – But it's like I can't help a – it's like, we're recording this, and this goes out there. It's like, I want to make work that I'm proud of.

And this feels, like, just sick. Oh, you want to make work that you're proud of? Don't we all? Yeah, but what? You were proud of the ba-da-ba-ba-ba spot we did last week? Of course. Brian Cox was in here.rian cox was doing a mcdonald's spot that was pretty awesome yeah but this is just like that it's just like that um

is there anything i can do is this uh no uh i think like she should just you're doing great in there no yeah no just take a sec to read over the copy and we'll get started in just one set. Okay. I mean, if you want to go in there and tell this young actor clearly she's not used to it. She's so nervous. She's clearly not booking a lot. I don't want to tell her anything. No, tell her that you,

the audio engineer, think that the copy isn't appropriate and so she shouldn't get this paycheck. No, that's not what I'm saying and you know that. Don't twist my words against me, Roger. You know the strike just ended? Do you know how fucking... These people are hurting for cash right now.

Roger, let's just do it. Thank you. You're the director. Jesus. Let's go. Okay, you didn't have to say it like that. No, but you are. Mr. Director.

Sir, yes, sir. We trade off. We trade off. You directed Brian Cox. Sir, yes, sir. I get to direct this nobody. Who gives a shit? I can hear the the booth i don't know if that was yeah just give us one sec okay my name is kathy yeah all right yeah let's do it let's do the let's record sir yes sir i'm a mindless little worker b i will do

whatever you'd like to do mr director is this about last night is this about last night it's not not about last night it's mostly about this last night? It's not not about last night. It's mostly about this shit copy, but it's not not about last night. I didn't know that she was going to do that. How could you not have known? What, you think every day I just am like, Mom,

what are you, how are you going to behave at this party? You were supposed to watch her. She's not allowed, especially in an open bar are you kidding yeah but like god forbid i i i you know get get to enjoy myself for every once in a while you're the older brother you always talk about oh i'm the older brother i'm the older brother like i have the responsibility i i'm the director i'm the older brother so it's like okay great you want to be the older brother you want to be the older brother Then take care of our mom

This director bullshit That's entirely you Putting that on me Okay So let's get one thing Fucking clear Also I didn't ask to be born

You know 15 minutes before you But I was Okay And so as a result of that Being the older twin There is a certain level Of responsibility

That mom and dad Put on me that they didn't put on you. You literally, whatever. I think we should just, let's just get on with it. That's what I've been saying since the fucking jump, Tim. Do you guys need a minute? Yeah, just give us one sec, all right? She's getting fucking antsy in there, man. This is going to work out here all day.

I'm saying, okay, Mr. Director, then start directing her. I'll just press the buttons like a good little worker. Be for fuck's sake. Okay. All right. Kathy was it? Yeah. Awesome.

Um, have you ever done a recording here at a studio nine before? Um, I've done, I've been at, I've been at this building, but this is actually my first time in this specific studio. So we've never worked together before, have we? Awesome. Okay. So just a couple of rules. My name's Rogers, my brother, Tim. Oh my gosh, you guys are identical. I didn't

even, I've been studying the copy so much. I didn't even see. Wow. Well, identical on the outside, that's for sure. But the way that it's going to work is the first run through, I'm just going to let you read it cold, whatever your best interpretation is. And then maybe we'll give some notes, some tweaks. But just know that if I'm giving you notes, it's not that I think you did anything wrong. It's just that we want to give the agency a couple options before what they want to use for the spot. Is that all right? Yeah, that's perfect. Do you need a water or anything before we get started?

No, I'm good to go. I've had a lot of time to stand here. So I'm ready to go. You want to hit? Dembo, you want to be on the ones and twos and let's let her roll. Okay. Ready? Whenever you're ready.

Sorry. Whenever you're ready. Are you in the mood for a cheeky little treat? Have you ever had the night of your life in one taste? Are you looking for that buzz, that thrill, that thing that you can't stop chasing? How about you dream about it? How about you live it? How about you take it into your mouth and enjoy every single second?

Tums, you make things good. That was great, Kath. Kathy, that was great. Me and, uh, it was a lot of,

um, in terms of her mouth. Yeah, me and Tim, it wasn't anything to do with your performance. Me and Tim just, there's a couple audio things we're going to chat about for a sec. So just hold tight,

but you did great. Thank you so much for your work. Um, holy shit. I know, I know I was the one who said, no, it's all all take it into your mouth have you ever heard that in a context any other context i know they're trying to like

sexify their brand but like this is too much but this is too much it's too much this is i mean um i can do some alts if you guys want. Like, I'm a writer as well. You know, I have a couple web series. Yeah, and we'll be right with you. Yeah, no, maybe we just let her. Improvise a little bit. Yeah, see if, well, yeah.

I mean, they were pretty strict on the phrase. Like, there are certain key phrases they really wanted her to hit. Okay, you let her know. The taking it into the mouth and the, her know the taking it into the mouth taking it into the mouth I do see that that's in all caps red font all caps highlighted bolded take it into your mouth

and there's something else about the pleasure what was that line I can't remember I'm blanking out how about you just give her like the key thing she needs to hit yes yeah okay okay um hey are we gonna go again yeah roger here again yeah we're gonna take it one more time um yeah so uh i know if you look down in the copy you know

they do give you some room to play in there you know some of those key points are bolded you know, they do give you some room to play in there. You know, some of those key points are bolded, you know, the part, you know, the taking in your mouth, that part. Yeah. And the pleasure. What was the thing about the explode? I can't.

Yeah. Honestly, I kind of blacked out. Yeah. You can read it as well as I can. We can all see the script. We don't, there's no reason to say it on more times than is necessary.

But yeah. So if you want to, I don't know's no reason to say it on uh more times than is necessary um but yeah so if you want to i don't know say this like um you know like i don't know maybe like that last read was you were saying it to a friend um let's try like maybe you're saying this to like your grandma oh okay i just i know that they're like when I got the audition request for this that it was very much like trying to sex up the brand sex up Tums and so absolutely

and I think you nailed this that what you're talking about on the last read you can say sex Roger you can say sex up I think you nailed the sex sexy one we have the sexy

one in the can sexual one is in the can so if you would like to do another where we're maybe making it more neutral because you never know yet okay same copy well at least hit

the bolded points but feel free to get a little looser on the edge. Okay, sounds good. Can do. And just give us one sec. Tim, you got to take care of the popping. Yeah, I got it already. We got it in the presets. Okay.

Yep, and whenever you're ready. Still no water or anything? Nope, all good. All righty. Still no water or anything? Nope, all good. Alrighty. Have you ever wanted to taste desire? Have you ever wanted to just like take a full night of pleasure and craziness and a little thing called life and pop it into a pill? Take it into your mouth. Enjoy it. Twirl it around your tongue a little bit. Savor it. Suck on it if a pill. Take it into your mouth. Enjoy it.

Twirl it around your tongue a little bit. Savor it. Suck on it if you want. Know that it will satisfy your every desire. Tums. Make things good. How was that? That was excellent, Kathy.

That was excellent. Tim, I don't know. Because I felt like I was talking to my grandma. It was more like woman to woman. No, you did. You did. Okay. No. Okay.

No, I mean. Oh, Christ. Yeah, just to call a spade here, Kathy. You know, I. You absolutely took the note, and I want to commend you for that. Thank you. But it didn't help. It really didn't.

There's something in so innately erotic about the language that I, I couldn't help but feel quite uncomfortable. Well, that's the, that's the copy. That's the copy. Yeah, that is. I mean, it's kind of what they. Right. Right. So I don't really know what else to do on my end because that's

kind of just what they want me to say but and you two are comfortable that this spot is going out you know i never said i was comfortable with it you're the one who said right okay well but you were defending it a minute ago because this is for this is doing a great job and it makes me want to take a tums hell it makes me want to enjoy an experience of a night of erotic pleasure in my mouth. Okay, but you're comfortable. It's 2pm. Someone has, on a sick day from school, they're watching Full House and reruns, and all of a sudden this

horned up nympho comes on the air and is talking about how much she wants to flick her bean with Tums. You're cool with that. Come to an ad break after Full House. Everywhere you look. Everywhere. with thumbs like you're cool with that go to an ad break after four everywhere you look everywhere

credits rolling somebody who needs you an image of like the same kind of like it's waves of like pastel colors like all over each other like really sexy lighting I hate having the flu well hey really sexy lighting. I hate having the flu.

Well, hey. Do you want to experience pure bliss? Anything would be better than this cold. Have you ever experienced nirvana in your mouth or your stomach? What? Try having the night of your fucking life.

Take something. Mom! what try having the night of your fucking life take something mom the tv lady swore mom enjoy bliss pleasure swirling around your tongue put it in your mouth take it into your mouth tropical flavor that is. This ad is so long. Smoothie. Natural without the artificial flavors. Will make that tummy feel so good. And sexy. Tums. We make things better. That kid's at a party.

20 years later. I have a crush. No, you guys. Yeah, my hall pass, it's kind of goofy. No, no, of course we do. Come on, of course we do. No, and I'm serious.

I love, no, I seriously, I love my wife. I love my wife. No one's saying you don't. And since you guys have been good sports, you all said you're- Yeah, we all love our wives. No one's saying you don't. And since you guys have been good sports, you all said you're... Yeah, all of our wives were just saying, it's like, who would we raw dog if we could?

And it wasn't our wife. It's like you were going to say fuck and then you tried to think of something better and you picked something worse. It's kind of interesting. No, I guess like, I don't know. Do you guys like... I was like, I like watched a lot of tv as a kid um i was

kind of raised by tv weren't we all and weren't we all our generation and i uh you remember that you guys know what i'm talking about you remember that tom's ad yo i haven't thought about you guys remember that and she'd tell you to like fucking put it in your mouth take it into your mouth fuck it you know yeah tongue around it yeah like that shit i guess was like that got me off okay well i didn't say that so you your hall pass is the voice of tums commercial yeah right on i don't know no we all would we all would raw dog the voice right you would okay i would use protection i would use protection but you can do that if that's something that you and your wife have discussed alph why don't you why don't you why don't you give us one more review i think it's really

funny the idea to be like no we're like serious like we have hall passes like it's like if it ever happens it happens as long as we use protection it's like if it ever happens, it happens as long as we use protection. It's like if you meet Mariska Hargitay, as long as you use protection, I'm fine with it. It's a paper laminated hall pass. Mariska, love your work. I'd like to present you with something. Mariska Hargitay. Aw, Mariska, you've activated my Hall Pass, which allows me to draw two additional extra marital affairs from the top of my deck.

Which allows me to draw two magnums from my wallet. Do you have one more, or would you like me to do our last one? Do you have one that you love? I have one more. Okay, great. I have one I like quite a lot. Oh, wait, let's take a quick break,

and then we'll come back after we take our hall pass. And we're back. Alf, who did you use your hall pass on with protection? I used my hall pass. My hall pass. Oh, Christ. I used my hall pass with protection on Winston Churchill. Three stars.

I used mine with the cuphead devil. Tom's tablet, 60 count. It's the same one. It's mine with the cuphead devil. Tom's tablet, 60 count. It's the same one. It's a chewable assorted berries. Three stars. From I shit you not, avid listener is what the person's username is.

Avid listener. I hardly know her. Avid listener, I hardly know her. Three stars, so right in the middle. They didn't need to change a good thing. The nice thing about the original Tums was that it just seemed right. Kind of like putting kitty litter down for an oil spill. Or having some sweet chalk just seem to absorb the acid in your stomach.

These things are hard, chewy candy. I tried a couple, but I don't want to have to brush my teeth and floss after eating one. Wait, what the fuck? I need you to read that again. Okay, it's pretty awful. I don't understand awful. Three stars. I don't understand it. They didn't need to change a good thing. The nice thing about the original.

So this is about the chewable ones, right? Not the like chalky powdery ones that I have here. The chewable ones that like, you know, they're chewable. Like a Skittle. Three stars. Exactly. The difference between a Smartie and a Skittle. They didn't need to change a good thing.

The nice thing about the original Tums was that it just seemed right kind of like putting kitty litter down for an oil spill sorry is that a thing i mean it's very absorbent okay sure i've never i don't know like oil spill not a thing that happens in my day-to-day right like but let's just say let's just say that makes sense is oil spill, it's absorbent. I've never had to think about what I would use to clean up an oil spill. No, not once.

If I had a bag of loose kitty litter on hand, I'd sure probably try it. Great. I'd put a kitty litter down for an oil spill. Having some sweet chalk seemed right

to absorb acid in your stomach. These things are hard and chewy. I tried a couple, but I don't want to have to brush my teeth and floss after eating one. I can't imagine after they sit in a cool cabinet for a year or so, get nice and hard. I tossed them and reordered the job. Get nice and hard. I can't imagine

after they sit in a cabinet cool dry cabinet for years though get nice and hard it's awful it's horrible it's horrible get nice and hard get nice and hard

baby it's like you're giving somebody a tour of your gorgeous farmhouse. Yeah. Do you want to see the cellar? Oh, my God. You have a cellar down here? I know. Patrick, you put so much work into this house.

Oh, my God. Well, don't worry. I didn't fall off the wagon. I'm still sober. But when we bought the place, the guy who lived here before us used to be a vineyard. The guy used to be a vineyard? No. You always know how to get me flustered.

I'm just so literal. Yes, you really are. That's like my whole thing. And I literally love that about you. But no, the... Yeah, so he used to run it as a vineyard he used to keep wine in the cellar but I you know obviously I have no interest in wine you know even when I was drinking I you've never been a wine guy no it was like drinking a cup of vinegar yeah um and so

I um I was like what's more my speed what's more my style so. So I got into cheese making. Get out of town. I keep, you know, it's a cool, dark place to age my cheddars. Oh, my God. Patrick, that is fantastic. Do you want to see it? You don't have to. No, trust me. Do I want to see it?

I want to eat it. I can't get enough of cheese. Okay. Maybe we can crack open a special one for you. Oh, my God. This is the best. Dude, I'm so happy to see that you're doing well and that you're thriving. I mean, this beautiful

home that you have been just putting so much heart into, you know, ever since Marlene left, it's like... No, no, no, I didn't mean to bring it up in that way. I just meant that it's like, it's really awesome to see that you're thriving. Yeah, and

I'm not, you know, I i you were such a good friend to both of us and i never wanted to put you in a position where you were having to to pick sides i don't i was actually just with her this morning oh yeah we got a coffee how is she she's you know uh i don't know i feel like this is this is kind of put in the middle this feels like a trap let's go get some cheese no no no i'm just i genuinely i you know, I've been seeing people, actually. Oh. Yeah. That's so great.

Yeah, you know, it's been nice. You know, yeah. I don't know what to say. Yeah, it's been nice. Well, let's go have some cheese. All right. This is. It's huge.

I mean, I don't want to choose for you. Do you have a preference? Are you a blue cheese person? I certainly am not. I think blue cheese is revolting. But I love a little bit of maybe some cheddar that you were talking about. Okay, absolutely. This one is about six months age so far.

Crack it open if you want. This is... Oh, my God. You you know i bet any lucky lady who meets you will be thrilled to come down crack open a bit of cheese have you know some wine if she wants you know maybe some non-alcoholic beverages for you um you know it's i do keep a bottle upstairs you know in case if you wanted it. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I'm OK. No, no, no.

Thank you. OK. It's so funny. Actually, this I feel weird talking about her now. What? What did she say? No, I was going to say it's so funny. This morning, Marlene was actually asking.

She's like, have you seen Patrick? And I told her that I was coming over to see your new place today. And she was like, oh, I bet he's fallen off the wagon. I bet he's like fallen off, hit his head. And like, you know, and I'm like, no, don't say that about him. So just to see that like you're thriving. And I'm not trying to put you in the middle of anything, but that doesn't make you feel weird that like she would talk about me like that. No, and I stuck up for you.

I stuck up for you. I even said. No, and I. I said, hey, Marlene, that's my friend. That's my friend. He's doing really well. And so I'm happy to see that that is actually the case because I didn't know if you had, you know,

really fallen off the way or not. So I'm happy to see. You thought maybe I had, I did. I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks, so I didn't know for sure. I was hopeful that you were doing well. Right. But I don't that you were doing well. Right, but...

I don't know. And you are. This is all good news. Yeah, I guess it's just weird to hear, you know, I shouldn't have ever asked, I guess, about Marlene as well. Do you want to do the honors? Crack this baby open? Yeah, I would love to.

Oh, man. It's gotten nice and hard down here. Yeah, six months, they get nice and hard. Okay. And I just take kind of the wire. Yeah, the big wire. Yeah. And you slide it on. Wow. Goes right through. Slide it on. Wow. God, that's beautiful. Nice and hard. Nice and hard. You know, it's, it's Oh god There I go again I'm so sorry It's just it's so easy To talk about the two of you

Because you guys have just You've been together for so long And so it's like Steve and I knew you guys Like cheese and wine Like cheese and wine That's exactly right And you know

She's like Steve and I Like us four Would always just go on these trips I remember we went to Tuscany And how is Steve? Steve's amazing He just got a promotion at work And so with that extra money Nice Coming in we went to Tuscany. And how is Steve? Steve's amazing. He just got a promotion at work. And

so with that extra money coming in, we are thinking about starting a family. No freaking way. Yeah, and it's so crazy and it's like, it's happy and sad because it's like we always dream that you and Marlene would be the godparents of our kid.

And so I guess, you know, part of what I was coming over to ask you is like, would that be weird if that was still the case? Because you're still both of our best friends. And so it's like, I just want to make sure that like, that that doesn't put you in a weird position to be at the christening together. Did she say yes?

I mean, you saw her this morning. She said yes. She said yes. Really? She said yes, I mean, you saw her this morning. I presume you asked. She said yes. She said yes. Really? She said yes, but it would depend on what Patrick says. She's like, I don't want to put him in a weird position because I'm the one who left him and he was so devastated. Bitch.

What a bitch. Patrick. I'm sorry. I just, I just, it's so her. What do you mean it's so her? I can literally like, I can hear her voice in my head. Cut to earlier that morning. So Marlene, will you-

Yeah. Will you be the godmother? Is that weird? No, it's fun. It's fun. Yeah. Okay, great. And so it's, you think I should whatever patrick says like i'm

fine if he's fine okay great um thank you so much again i mean like i i really hope he says okay and then it all works out yeah maybe he will maybe he won't yeah i guess those are the two options well tiny little dick. What's that? He always had the tiniest little dick. Oh, I don't need to know that. Oh, I'm sure you could tell. Marlene, that's not very nice.

When the way he used to wear those tight sweatpants to hot yoga. You, I'm sure you saw it, girl. I love your ass. It's just fun to gab with somebody. I haven't had a good gab in so long. Oh, well, I'm sick. Girl, you know I love catching up with you. Yeah.

Well, I should probably go to Patrick's and, you know, break the news. Okay. All right. Well, I should probably go to Patrick's and, you know, break the news. Okay. Alright, well, do you want a gift? A gift? Do I want a gift from you? Well, you said you're pregnant, right? Well, we're trying. Yeah, well, then I'm

considering trying for a pregnancy gift. Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much. Yeah. Okay. Here you so much. Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Wow. Honestly, I can't even... Open it. Here? Yeah, in front of me so I can watch.

Okay. Opens it. Oh my God! This is such a beautiful bottle of wine, Marlene. Thank you so much. I don't think it's an appropriate gift for someone who's trying to get pregnant. You know, the alcohol. Well, you're not pregnant.

Yeah. Right. That's what you just said. I understand. Okay. It's a very nice bottle of wine, Marlene. Thank you so much. Okay.

And what's around the neck? A nice bow. Cute. Okay. And under the bow? There's a note. Yeah. And what's the note say? It's really tiny. I have to kind of

like unscroll the whole thing. You know me. Handwriting as ever. It says Oh, it says Love you so much, girly. Giving this to you whenever. Hope the time is right. Congratulations?

Question mark? Yeah. So you just kind of had the, it seems like you just kind of had this laying around. Well, it's for you. Oh, well, thank you. No. No?

Thank you. Okay. You're my best friend, and I'll miss you a lot when this is all over. What do you mean when this is all over? The grand whirling dervish of life, darling. Well, I love you and we got a lot of life left to live. No.

No? I hope so. I hope so. If you've seen Patrick later, can you give him this? What is it? It's just a letter Oh, are you sure? Yeah

I'd rather not do this embarrassing Okay, I'll do it Alright Cut to the farmhouse So, after she was talking about She really talked about my little dick Again, I haven't seen it so so I'm not one to say anything, but she wanted me to give you this.

Oh. I think I know what this is. You should read it out loud, because I have no idea. I don't know if you want to hear it. I want to be here for you. You're my friend just as much as she is. Okay.

Unwraps. and there's another envelope classic always and there's a bow okay dear patrick you're reading this it means that they're pregnant we're still trying how did she know that, by the way? She gave you this letter. In the bottom of this envelope, you'll find the key to you know what. Whoa. Do you know? I've had so much fun here with you, but it's time for me to go. Go home.

You won't be able to visit. No one will. What the fuck? But I'll miss you all dearly oh my god is this a is this what I think it is I mean do you did you know

did I know what that she's going home does she mean like eternal home? Yeah. What the fuck? M3. Alpha Centauri.

What? She's an alien. What? What's the key? The key is to the escape pod where I found her all those years ago. So then... In the woods, behind the house.

Why did she give you the key if she said no one can visit? Because... I don't want to spill her secret, but... There's a stash of crystals in there. From her home world. They're basically magic. What the fuck? Yeah.

And she always promised me that no matter what happened, if she ever had to go home, I could have the crystals. I don't know what to say. I really thought you knew. No. I thought you both knew. I thought you and Steve both knew. No, I had no idea she was an alien.

The way she talks, the way she acts. I thought she was just from Connecticut. I don't think you've ever met anyone from Connecticut before. Clearly not. And I still haven't, I guess. You never felt like she could read your mind? Maybe sometimes, but we're besties. That's what besties do.

No, no, I don't think like that. It's the crystals. Do you want one? It doesn't feel safe. Guarantee you a baby. This is... You're so nonchalant about this. Well, I live with a woman for 15 years.

Are you going to go get the crystals? I'll probably give them away. I need to go talk to Steve. Okay. That's fine. Well, I'll be here. I'll go get the crystals. I'll keep them in the cellar with the cheese.

You know, you can come get them whenever you want. Thanks. I'll see you at the christening. That is, if you'll be the godfather. Sure. I'll be the godfather. Sure, I'll be the godfather. I leave. Nice and hard.

Nice and hard. Crystals and cheese. Marlene and me. Nice and hard. Let's do our last segment. This shook me up. Shook me up.

Oh my god. Crystal's knees. Marlene and me. Nightmare. That's a That's a t-shirt. I was gonna say that's a um that's a t-shirt i was gonna say it's a haiku crystals and cheese marlene and me nice and hard no it's not no it's not uh what's shaking your i'm playing pokemon again. I'm back on my Pokemon grind. Go. Nope. Sword.

On my Switch. Oh, okay. I'm back to playing. I'm back to playing. Who's your starter? Who was your starter? Oh, God. I don't know. The thing is, I forgot that I gave them all nicknames,

and so I honestly forget what the names of the actual Pokemon are. Interesting. And the names are all pretty bad. Like I have kind of like a rhino looking one. When is this saved from? Like a year ago. Okay. So you should remember.

No, I mean, it's like, I don't know. I don't remember the names of the actual Pokemon. I know what the names I renamed them are, but I don't know what the actual Pokemon are named. There it is. But I have kind of like, what that makes me laugh. It's like, it's kind of like a rhino one with like a steel kind of back

and covering around the whole thing. And his name is just all caps, Hard. Come on. Hard, go. Hard. Come back, Hard. Hard. Come back, Hard. Hard looks a little tired out. Yeah, and Daniel and Elizabeth helped me name some of them too.

And so it's like, I have kind of like, there's like an electric Pokemon that's like a dog and its name is Red Max. Like it's literally like I'm a six-year-old naming Pokemon. Hard, Red Max. I have one that's named Insanity. I have the goldfish one that just, his name is I'm Dying.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. So yeah, so I'm having a blast playing. I feel like a little kid. It's a good time. I honestly, I really forgot how much fun it is. And, um, I'm going to be playing a lot. I'm going to try, honestly, I'm going to try and catch them all.

No way. I'm not even fucking with you. I'm going to try and catch them all. I think you're going to catch. I have 75 right now. 78. You think I can only catch three more? I think you're probably going to. I am at a hard point right now where you're probably gonna i am at a hard point right

now where it's like i am in hard point right now where it's like i have like my my kick-ass team that's like that you know my highest level ones like right now they're kind of averaging hard i'm dying redbacks the squad's all here um that's like merch where it's just it's the black t-shirt with the like names and the ands it's just like hard and red max and I'm dying and I'm dying insanity so

I have one named nipple and it's the meowth one bro meowth that's right nipple red max and nipple Bro. Meowth, that's right. Nipple. Red Max and nipple and heart. And I'm dying and insanity.

Zendaya is me cheat. Red Max is nipple. So I'm at this point where it's like I have my key five or six that are really high levels. And so I'm trying to round everyone out. I'm just kind of in the field right now just trying to battle a bunch of Just on their grind. I'm just on their grind just trying to raise those stats up. But because

on average, a lot of mine are about, the good ones are about level 41, 42 in that area. All the ones that I'm battling right now are in the 40s and 50s, so the Pokemon that I have that are in level 28 are really getting fucked.

They're struggling. So yeah, but I'm having a blast. Pokemon's great, man. What about cheese? I had a real one i did i swear i got you're fucking lying no i do i do uh oh i i listened to an audiobook um over the last couple weeks um 22 hours because the original book is like 500 fucking pages um it's uh relatively new the last couple years um it's called babel uh b-a-b-e-l um it's by okay well this is kind of a british american thing um the tower of

no tower of babel it's babel babel babel anyway look you know babbling babble it's like oh babies oh having a bit of a babble look at that baby babbling babbling okay well i don't think i deserve any of this uh it's a very good book it's all it's like kind of historical fiction e but also like it's a little bit of like alternate history fiction kind of at play and it's all about um colonialism and how awful the british empire uh was and and and the remnants of it are and it was really fucking good um and i'm i i was having such a good time listening to it and then i i discovered that the um a woman who wrote it um is only two years older than me. Oh.

And has two masters and a PhD. Okay. And has published five critically acclaimed bestselling novels. Okay. But I have a podcast where we talk about wiper blades. Where we talk about putting tums in your mouth. Where you talk about wiper blades. Where we talk about putting tums in your mouth. We talk about dick and balls.

But no, it's a great book. Babel or Babel by R.F. Kwong. It's a great book. I recommend it. Hell yeah. Well, you can actually find if you want to find that book or Alfred, you can find Alfred on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit r slash reviewreview.

Discord, headgum, review, review. And Jeff and I have a Patreon, patreon.com slash rileyandjeff. And you can find Riley on instagram.com, just the web, rails are not the phone app, at rileyandspa. And on twitter.com so what we're saying is it's the silence that you make when your lips are pursed together that's what we say every week followed by bye

that was a hit gum original