Review Revue - Turtlenecks (w/ Ryan Hopkins!)

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

Reilly and Alfred are joined by producer and filmmaker Ryan Hopkins as they return a house and cosplay Steve Jobs.>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Jeffrey's a friend. Yeah, I know, he's been a good friend of mine. But daily something's changed that ain't hard to define. Jeffrey's no longer co-host and that's totally really chine. And he's moved on to other things And he's probably going to fail, I just know it And he won't be reading reviews, not anymore You know I am so glad that Jeffrey's gone I am so glad that Jeffrey's gone

Alfred is so much better than Jeff I played along with the charade And I pretended that I liked the pod You know I felt so dirty when he read his reviews Wanted to tell him that he sucked but was afraid of his short fuse Cause it moved on to other things and he's probably going to fail, I just don't know it yeah and he won't be reading reviews, not anymore

you know I am so glad that Jeffery's gone I am so glad that Jeffery's done. Alfred is so much better than Jeff. Now Jeffrey's gone. I am so glad that Jeffrey's done. Alfred is so much better. Alfred is so much

better than Jeff. And I listen to their pod all the time. Wondering what Gwily saw in him. He wasn't funny, wasn't cool with the lines. Ain't that the way pods are supposed to be? Sorry. It's three and a half minutes long. Could have played the whole thing as far as I'm concerned. I was really feeling it.

Whoever sent that in, I want you to know, I would have played all of it. And so I just want to say, Caesar, this is a formal apology to Caesar because Caesar ultimately did send that in february 18th 2023 um caesar goes hi riley smiley face and alfred so i made another song this time i didn't have my brother's help because i'm an adult and this one was a much simpler concept yet it was made with lots of love if you could plug my tweet, that would be sweet.

I'm trying to become a niche internet micro celebrity. So it would greatly help. It's at Romeo. Oh, sorry. Romero, Romero, Caesar. Doesn't roll off the tongue easily. That's what he says, not me. Anyway, best regards to both of you.

Love the pod. Thanks for all the eps. Sincerely, Caesar. So thank you so much. That was around the time when Jeff left the show. And I guess the song is still true in many ways. Yeah, I mean, over under, what's the chance that that person's still listening?

You know, a year later. Hey, come on, man. They might never know that their theme song got played. It's kind of weird. It doesn't matter because if you're sitting here being like, ooh, I hear Alf and Riley's shrill, witch-like cackles. Speak for yourself.

But who is that other dulcet-toned presence that beautifully, that siren song entity who's sitting in a turtleneck and a straw hat and a lay on a Tuesday night. It is my friend and yours, comedian, filmmaker, producer, my esteemed colleague on the hit reality show Survivor. It's Ryan Hopkins on the pod. Oh, stop it. Stop. I think you forgot the most important part, your acquaintance. Okay.

That's been established early on. I'm so sorry. I feel like I keep wanting to push it into like colleague and then friend one day. I thought we passed acquaintance and moved on. Because you're an acquaintance to Alf, surely. Of course. And I know you a lot better than alfred does i think we're i mean alfred are kind of closer now at this point since there's no yeah we met each other through you but i do think our not even we're closer you

were you've been on a zoom for not even half an hour i do yeah but it doesn't feel like it that's good but you know you know what what's funny about that song we were listening to is you said it was sent in february 18th which is funny because i think that's about the time you and i met and the first true the first time we met you said i need to have you on the pot. And I've had my schedule cleared. I've had my schedule cleared for an entire year. There's no way it's been cleared for a year. My girlfriend, she'll say, hey, can we go to dinner tonight? And I was like, I got to have my schedule open for the pod. Babe, I would love to.

Trust me, I would love to. But I can't. I can't. I got to wait. You've been just would love to. But I can't. I can't. I gotta wait. You've been just sitting with me. I've been sitting here. You've been sitting here. Well, we're so happy to have you on.

Oh, thank you. Hawkins, why are you ready for a luau? Well, I think whenever we can discuss the esteemed clothing type of a turtleneck, it's always a celebration. Land the plane. Land the plane. It's a celebration. All right, Sully.

You got it. Okay, before we get into that, what's new with you? What's new with me? I picked another favorite wall in my apartment to stare at this week um it was this yeah it was the southeast wall of my living room and now it's the north wall of my bedroom okay and what made you make that switch was it conscious or what did you just one day were you like, oh, this is it right now? Riley, sometimes you just gotta take a risk. You just have to

say, what are they not expecting me to do? And that north wall was not expected. Wasn't an expectation. I will say, Alf, this is par for the course even on location. I'll be like, hey Hopkins, how's it going?

He will say, well, I have a new favorite wall to stare at. It's consistent and it's true. I mean, I've never thought about it. And now you've got me kind of looking around the room being like, I wonder which one would be my favorite. See, I'm wondering what's on the eastern wall. Daniel, okay, have you guys you guys Hopkins it sounds like you do Alf I don't know if we've talked about this before or not

and guys if you're listening please sound off and let me know that I'm not alone in this experience do your eyes ever just like land on something and it feels so good it sounds like the staring at the wall but it just feels so good and it's like the thought of moving your eyes away from that thing like you can

talk it's almost disassociating but it's like you're just off don't look at me like that do you know what i'm talking about when was the last time you went to an optometrist i have i have perfect vision i don't know if you do anymore darling that sounds like i strain to me that sounds like i strain because i said this to daniel daniel's like i have no idea what as someone with roaring astigmatism i do know what you're talking about and that is i strain i will say so daniel got new contacts and i saw on the box and it says for astigmatism and i felt like a silly silly girl because until seeing it written out i'd only heard it and i thought it was a singular

stigmatist and you thought i was like oh i have a stigmatism and you thought that i have a stigmatism you thought the a stigmatism was that thing that jesus had in his hands after he was um crucified stigmata is that is the term for jesus's hand wounds so that was a stigmatism a stigmata what's new what the fuck um not much man um i had ice cream for dinner mostly um child all right uh chocolate chocolate um it was chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate no it was chocolate cookies and cream but the base was chocolate as opposed to vanilla so it's basically like a chocolate ice cream my love well okay fuck you it's got oreos in it so it's basically chocolate ice cream with oreos in it so it's pretty damn good, actually. It's chocolate, chocolate. Chocolate, chocolate.

Yeah, I'm pretty good. I got this cat puppet back. I pulled it off the shelf because I was excited. I saw it, and I kind of forgot I owned it, and now I'm just kind of playing with it. Hawkins, when Alf joined the show, this cat, I'm even forgetting the name. Mr. Mistoffelees name Mr. Mistoffelees it came out quite a lot

and I think he was excited you're a first guest in a while and so I thought it's so and it will never people will never see this this is not a video podcast Hopkins is in a straw hat and a lei and Alf has a cat hand puppet and it's just for each other no one else will see this

Hopkins did you ever see um sabrina the teenage witch of course i did do you know salem the cat i feel like this really looks like that it looks i was i was trying to pinpoint where i know that cat from sabrina that's the cat and i'm drinking out of a cat glass what What are you drinking? Huh? What are you drinking? What are you drinking? Water. Oh. Uh-huh.

I guess what's new with me is, Alf, I think I'm through the worst of it. Hawkins, if you don't know, I had E. coli, which is crazy. E. coli. She ate the Chipotle lettuce. I woke up this morning with the bubonic plague. which is crazy can you fucking believe like who gets e coli anymore you do i do but i'm through the worst of it we're on the up and up i had coffee again today and things are looking good for ant spa you're gonna be breathing out of an iron load next week um yeah, guys, if you've been following along the saga the past couple of weeks, I contracted E. coli somehow. And on the other side, and the world is so much brighter.

I don't know. You literally had Chipotle and got the letters. I had symptoms beforehand, so I don't know if it was that. But it doesn't matter. Expectation. What? That was expectation. That was me, my body, prepping the shepot.

You were expecting to get E. coli. Have you ever heard of a hysterical pregnancy? I was just going to say, it was hysterical E. coli. You had hysterical E. coli. Hysterical E. coli. We're not here to talk about my shit we're here to talk about the shit which are turtlenecks and i'm just cutting right we're not even gonna do a big pun about it hopkins you are an avid turtleneck fan you suggested this week's topic let's talk about it yes uh well you know it's past turtleneck season so i feel kind of odd

wearing the turtleneck right now but i brought it back out just for this special occasion you know it's beautiful it's a light dusty blue turtleneck you guys can't see it but it's really nice got a ribbed neck it's it's really quality thank you uh you know a turtleneck is the perfect, most versatile clothing item you can have. Think about it. Are you going as Steve Jobs for Halloween? Turtleneck. Okay. Oh, I need to wear.

One specific incident. I need to wear a blazer, but none of my dress shirts have come back from the dry cleaners yet. Turtleneck. Two very specific events. Oh, oh, I'm trying to, I'm hosting a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles party, but having a whole ninja costume is too expensive. Turtleneck. Okay?

Okay. It's versatile. It's comfortable. It's a wonderful place to wear a microphone. I might have a lav on and you have no idea. You have no idea. I can store things under here. Do you have a favorite pen of sorts?

You see this? They can't see it, but I just tuck that right in there. It's locked in. I can see it. And I'm locked in. I can see it, though, to be honest. It's bulging. I can see it. And I'm locked in. I can see it, though, to be honest. It's bulging. So you don't wear...

You don't know that you have a pen, but it may look like you have a growth, but you don't know. At least I didn't have an E. coli, okay? Yes, go off. Listen, I'll give you that note. And ultimately... It did, Alf.

That's the trouble. It did get it in it. It's so rare, it feels like a lie to say you had it i know it's crazy it's really you gotta pick something more believable yeah right i wish i could like i got scurvy you know something something that would be more believable um i love a turtleneck i am so fond of a turtleneck um i there's a i a mock neck. I love a turtleneck. I love anything that goes a little bit above the collarbone is good for me. Um, I recently got a wonderful, uh, forest green, chunky, oversized turtleneck and it's been a delight to have and to hold.

Um, Alf knows I have a lot of turtleneck. I love it. I often buy weight. I love a sweater. I buy way too many sweaters. Um, but turt have a lot of turtleneck. I love it. I often buy weight. I love a sweater. I buy way too many sweaters. Um, but turtlenecks are just it. Alf, I feel like I've never seen you in one. For good reason.

I don't own any. You don't own a single one? I don't own a single one. I've never worn one. I don't think. Guys, it looked like Hawkins was just punched in the gut. I know. I think she could see the visceral reaction.

I don't like, I don't like, can I be, I think what it honestly genuinely is, is polos, polos, what the fuck? Turtlenecks feel too close to polos.

They feel too close to a shirt with a collar. Oh my God. He's so fucking mad. He's so fucking mad. What do you mean? A shirt with essentially an extra collar feels too close to a shirt with a collar. Oh, my God. He's so fucking mad. He's so fucking mad. What do you mean? A shirt with essentially an extra collar feels too close to a collar? I mean, choked. And I don't like the sensation of shit on my neck.

So I've never really worn one. See, I don't like things being close to my neck either. However, a proper turtleneck, right? This isn't constricting at all. For the folks at home, it's just resting around my neck. There's no boa action happening. When you find something like that, it feels like a warm hug or the last two seconds of a headlock right before you go out.

Yes. And you know that what I'm realizing now is I have an extremely thick neck. Every time... You're just realizing. Okay. Just remembering, perhaps. Every time I have to buy

dress shirts, they can't get it over the neck. Because I have a very odd body i have a very a very very thick neck and very very long arms and i remember the last time i bought dress shirts it was for a wedding it was my first wedding post pandemic i know bragging sorry about the divorce by the way it's okay it's okay we're bouncing back um and uh i went to the the clothery and i said store pardon me good man i would i would like one um dress shirt and he found some dress shirts and i was like i don't think the arms are gonna be long enough on those and he said oh, oh, trust me, they will.

I put them on. It's like up to like halfway to my wrist. I look ridiculous. I look like a giant. And he finally finds one that fits me, and then he parades me around the store and goes to every other person who works there and goes, guys, guys, guess how long his arms are.

Stop. And he makes every other employee try an eyeball how freakishly long my arms are. And they were all under guessing by like three inches. And I was like, huh, this makes me feel really good about myself. What did you do? What did you say? I was just like playing along. I didn't feel like i had a choice i was just like aha no longer than that keep going no i'm a fucking freak and then the thick neck so i don't know i think a turtleneck

i would struggle to find one that was long enough in the arms and thick enough in the neck. So that's just why I don't wear them, I guess. I understand. But just listening to you speak, I can imagine you holding an old-fashioned in front of a crackling fireplace with a burgundy turtleneck, a little bit chunkier

with the collar on it. And that's just a real elegant kind of Monday evening. You would look like Santa. Alright, you yeah. And that's just a real elegant, elegant kind of Monday evening. He would look like Santa. All right, you see, and that's the other, okay. First of all, no, first of all. I almost had to sell.

I almost had to sell. Bone to fucking pick with that. First of all, Santa doesn't wear turtlenecks. I'm just saying. Santa doesn't drink. Not that I know. I think you just think I look like Santa.

That's not my Santa. I think you just think I look like Santa's not my santa i think you just think i look like that's true he would be drinking a mud slide is i feel like i never see you in anything long-sleeved that's true so the the one the one reference that i do have of you in a long sleeve thing is you doing the sexy santa dance in college when you were in the sand when you were that is a good point that is did a dance to the stripper. So the idea of me wearing long sleeves, you're just like, Santa!

Sexy Santa. I think we should talk more about that than turtlenecks. What is this memory? Well, there was a time in my life when... Alf, do you give me consent to put the video on the Instagram? Yeah, sure. I don't care. Okay, great. It is one of my favorite videos do you give me consent to put the video on the instagram yeah sure i don't care okay great um

it is one of my favorite videos i've ever seen partly because guys i'll put it on the instagram this week it's so alf and i were on the same improv team in college and because we were both warming up yes and we were warming up before a show and it was like a holiday show before we all went off to break and out we were rehearsing what the opening of the show would be and it's alf in a red onesie with a santa hat and beard on and he puts on like the big band like the stripper like and he just comes out and yells the opkins i'll send you the video after this you'll see his body it's like you'll see the amazing proportions of his limbs it's true i extremely limmy in that video because you have the the like the slippy feet of the, of the Santa suit. We're in like a, a movement room,

a theater school movement room. So it's hard, slippy hardwood floors and I'm just fucking eating. But I kept going, didn't I? I kept going.

Okay, this show must go on. Yeah, tell the whole story. It's one of my favorite things. And that's it. No, it's like he does a sexy dance

and then he falls onto the hardwood floor, keeps dancing. Keeps dancing. And then dance and then he falls onto the hardwood floor, keeps dancing. Keeps dancing. And then we start the show. It's amazing. So I think, oh, yeah, we've talked about it. Alf, you've never worn one.

Hopkins, you love it. It's time for celebration. And I also love. I think without further ado, we should, for lack of a better term, get into it. Perfect. Yeah. Why not? Alf, do you want to start start or hopkins did you bring a review we did not ask you to so you do not have to yeah i got a bunch oh no way let's fucking go do you want to start yeah i'm trying to see if i

save this one he got a bunch didn't save a single one i read a lot well no this reminded me of something that alfred said i think this is perfect for you listen to this oh no um this is uh for a turtleneck oversized sweater from nordstrom love three out of five stars perfect no name was given Oh shit I'll make a name Okay it's gonna be Limmy Santa Limmy Santa Limby Limby

L-I-M-B-Y Limby Santa So stupid Whatever This review isn't even all that good. It's just one word in it that made me save it. So at the end, guess what it is? Okay, this says, so the sweater, cost-wise, $46 to $77.

I don't know where the range starts. But subject line, navy and blue multi are the same color. What? Okay. First, if your size is sold out in the navy and you want the striped one, just know that blue multi is the exact same. Second, it runs one to two sizes big i like the length and also the wider sleeves but i am always an xl in top shop sweaters then in parentheses 5 foot 10 38 d cup size for reference and i swam in this size xl okay and not like an oversized type of too big but really much too big

and this is this is what this is for you alfred okay uh even the sleeves were too long and that never happens to me because i am tall and have very long arms although i really like the look of this sweater if you are sensitive to itchy fabrics this one is on the itchy side even though there's no wool in this fabric and it's acrylic for me personally this sweater feels like a low percentage wool on the skin and i am sensitive to fabrics like wool cashmere alpaca etc this didn't feel like acrylic normally does that being said i do really like the style in art in order to smaller size but we'll have to wear something underneath against the itch factor so much no one fucking cares so you're swimming in it and

it's just the largest sweater it's like it's like she's giving you her own medical history it's like it's it's just all she needed to say is like, it runs big or something. Right. And she's telling you every fabric that's ever made her feel bad. Not the most comfortable material, period. Done. I found people who were pretty unhinged about these turtlenecks. It's pretty ridiculous.

That's amazing. I am always, because it's like, I do appreciate sometimes when if I'm looking for clothes but I know that it's gonna be something like fit specific that it's like if someone's like it ran too big or too small and then gave their sizes so I could see oh if that's in my range but to give like every she might as well have given her social security number. It's like to give like every single fabric she's interacted with. And how deep down the line do you have to interact to get to Alpaca? To get to Alpaca. It's like whose benefit?

Who was that for? Who was it for? Assuming that everybody has a really deep knowledge of different blends. It feels like 10% wool. I don't know what that feels like. What was the point?

It was the same. If you want the size, what was the color that she was comparing it to? It's blue Molotov. That was the whole point of the review that's why i got three stars because itchy and two colors are the same she said itchy so many times navy is the same as blue multi it's the same thing when it almost reminds me it's not the same at all but let me think of it's not the same at all

it almost reminds me whoa okay this will be fun just let me live it reminds me of like giving someone um like a birthday gift or a christmas present or whatever with a gift receipt and being like if you don't like it you can the navy is the same as the multi blue and and i i actually had one of these but you don't it's like there's always so many caveats if you think someone's not gonna like a gift all right you don't need to feel don't feel the need you can always you know in fact just trash it fuck it it's so bad no i really like the sweater actually i think i think it it's gonna look great no no it's Fuck it. It's so bad. No, I really like the sweater, actually. I think it's going to look great. No, no, no.

It's like my eyes. It's like a cool cut. So I'll probably wear a lot. Don't worry about it. No, honestly, it's like you are my favorite co-worker. And it's just like I wanted to get you something. I don't know you all that well. We don't even really work in the same department.

I know, but you're always so nice to me. don't know you all that well like we just really work in the same department i mean i'm i know but you're always so nice to me don't you know it's like at the lobby you always hold open the door and and i saw it's your birthday and i just thought you know oh this he has he has a great tie collection but um if this one is not it's just it's such an ugly fucking tie it's not whoa no no no i get it's cute. I get it. It's like the M&Ms and they're hanging out. It's cute. You know, I'm not.

Because it's like you have a bowl of M&Ms on your desk. Right. And I think, oh, he's generous. He's playful. Yeah, it's cute. Honestly, you can just. I'll take it back to the store. No, I'm going to keep the tie.

I'll wear it tomorrow. So you don't even need to. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't even. Oh, jeez. Now I kind of feel.

When's your birthday? I kind of feel like a bad guy. Oh, gosh. You know what sucks? My birthday's on Christmas. It's on Christmas. So it's just like, don't even bother. Don't even bother getting me a gift.

No one does anyway. Because it's just like, oh, here's a Christmas gift. Well, I'll be sure to get you some in january how about that i really i do appreciate it do you mean that you really don't have to i don't i do mean i'll get you something for my birthday shit i'll get you something i don't need i don't need you to do that um but uh look some of us are gonna go get drinks later or whatever for my birthday. You should come. That's so fun.

Yeah, you should. That's a, birthday drinks are so fun. Yeah, we're going to the, I just thought he's hanging out. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna go to the banana room.

So. I've always wanted to go there. You've never been? It's like, drive down the block. I mean, it's a great spot. No, it's just,

it's like, I've always wanted to go, but then I see the kinds of people going in, and they just look so cool. It's all like this. Hey, guys, I don't mean to rush into your conversation like an alpaca, but did somebody say banana room? Oh, yeah.

We were just talking. Have you been to the banana room? Well, no, but I've been fishing for an invite for just the longest amount of time. That's crazy. Do you know of any happenings at the Banana Room this eve? Tonight? I don't know. I don't.

Well, actually, for Jim's birthday, I mean, I don't want to overstep, but I think he said that a couple people were getting drinks i mean i i don't think i could have screwed an invite because jim's just like the fucking man but uh the banana bro yes my birth sorry i got turned around i thought it was um yeah we're going to the banana room tonight. Just me and a couple other people from the department. Oh, I would love... You guys should both come. Oh, excellent. Excellent. I will get my finest things and visit the haberdashery and meet you all over there post-haste. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I mean, it's only 11 a.m., so no rush. We're probably not going to make it until about 6, so... Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. And how long are you planning on staying? Oh, well, you know, we'll have a couple drinks. But, you know, it's a school night after all. So, you know, an hour and a half? Oh. Two half? Oh.

Two hours? Two? Make it three and I'm in. Yeah, sure. Yes. Someone will still be there. I made a friend. Not like the bar's going to close.

That's so cool. You guys are going to have such an awesome time. You're invited, Dawn. You're invited. You guys are going to have such an awesome time. You're invited, Dawn. You're invited. You can come. Stop. Don't say that if you don't mean it. I meant to.

Jim, are you serious? Yes, of course. For the tie, for... Yeah. Jim, did you mean it with me too, or were you just putting on an act? No, both of you. i don't i don't yeah i don't know what that putting on an act would mean um yes genuine human connection yes

are you putting on an act or no is this for real or this is 100 real um i will be going there for my birthday drinks tonight we will probably be staying about an hour and a half it is open invite so tell your friends tell anyone again i don't neither of you are in my department i i really don't know you guys super well but you are both welcome at the drinks well jim my my invite feels cheapened now it's open invite anybody could just mosey on down to the banana room and celebrate you. Tim, don't say that. You're throwing away the generosity. Jim doesn't have to invite anybody.

Jim is the man. I'm not. He's letting people come. I feel like you're cheapening. No. It's just I remember six months ago,, your computer froze and I said, hit control op delete. And you said that didn't work, but you're still the man.

And I just thought we were, I don't know, soulmates. Ah, no, I always go too far. No, no. Connected. Yeah, yeah. No, we are. Yes, it was helpful that day that you said that. I mean, my computer was fine.

There was really no issue. But I appreciated the help then, and I appreciate it now. So anyway, I think. Jim, I just love you a lot, man. I love you a lot. I really love you. You're in my prayers every night. Jim, you don't know how much you mean to every single person at this company.

Everybody. Have you got... Yeah. That means a lot. I got this day circled on my calendar. That's so funny. We all... Your birthday is a big deal to everybody here.

I feel like you don't get that. I don't get that. I don't get that. I mean, I've been here two, two and a half years. So I guess this is my, what? My third birthday here. Your third birthday. Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't feel like. We all know. Trust me, we all know. How long have you guys been at the company? I don't know. Like, Dawn, you've been here, what? Like 10? Oh, gosh. I mean mean upwards of 10 yeah you

knew you remembered yeah i don't know you mentioned it one time that's crazy jim how long have i been here i don't know maybe six years 60 60 60 He's been here 60 years. That's way, way more than I thought. You were close enough. You got the first digit right. You were meaning 60 though, right? I saw it in your face. I saw your eyes.

You knew it. Jim, babe, surprise. I brought you a cake at work Oh my god Is this Cecile Oh Who Yeah do I know you

Oh you don't know us But uh We know a lot about you I've been meaning to meet you My year is made this is the best bim day i call it bim day because it's jim's birthday it's this is the best bim day ever yes cecile's here yeah um you remember oh so you guys are coming to the banana room yes you must remember i've certainly are i've talked about them before this is dawn um she is in hr

and then oh gosh yes don he says he says that um you have this like uh bath and body work spray yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then that's really like it's really that we really love that i really love the spray yeah that's right honey and then oh um uh oh my god i feel like uh sorry is it my birthday like that's how it's no it's fine uh and then tim you remember tim um tim is tim he's the one who's worked here for 60 years oh gosh yes oh my god you uh you know what jim says you are you are the rock of this company. That's what he says. Tim is sturdy as a rock here. If Cecile, if you didn't remember me, oh, havoc would break loose.

Violent havoc. It was such a relief. Well, honey, it's um... Well, I'd never forget either of you. Well, I was just dropping off uh a cake i could also bring it to the banana room if you don't want to keep it on your desk yeah i mean again it's only 11 um it's gonna be a while before we head there so if you want to bring it over there ask if they can put in the fridge or i don't even know if there'll be staff at the banana room yet um but or we can put it why don't we put in the break room? I have a mini fridge.

I have a mini fridge under my desk. Oh, Dawn, you don't need to do that. You don't need to do that. I can blow on it for a real long time with the cold breath. There's a chest freezer. There is a difference. There honestly is a difference. If you needed to keep something hot,

you do the hot breath. If you wanted to do the cold, it'd be like blown out. You'd do the small, the blow. If I wanted to keep something hot or cold, I probably wouldn't do either of those. But I really appreciate it. But you could. Sure. Jim, you always know what to say.

Okay, guys. Like, you would if you knew how to keep something hot. Like, he just knows. Yeah. Well, is there anything else I can get you on your special day before I take off? No, I'm okay. Yeah, I can't wait to see everybody at the room tonight.

It's going to be last. I feel like I didn't understand where we left on the cake. Am I bringing it to the banana room? Or is it blowing on it? Put it in the break room. Put it in the break room. Put it in the break room. For everybody's grubby hands to touch on. No, it's BIM day.

Whoa, no, yeah. You got it right on this one, Jim. We would never allow the common folk to dare glean upon your beautiful cake made by your beautiful fiance. She's my wife.

Should have made it better. Oh, wife. Where'd my invite to the wedding go? That's actually a really. Important. Whoa. You guys never posted about that on Instagram. Update the people, Jim.

Update the people. Sorry. Yeah. No. Well, we got married like um like a month after i started it i didn't know you guys super well then we rarely use social media so it's you know we're not that couple who feels like we have to post every um so it's not it's fine wait jim's okay is that why you like you take that thing off of your hand before you come into the office every day?

Cecile, is that what you all have worked out in your household? What's that? I don't know what the heck he's on about. Check his left hand. Jim, take your hand out of your pocket. It's really chilly in here. I'd rather leave it in if that's all right. Yes, Cecile,

everyone, the reason, gosh, no disrespect to you, Mrs. Stevens, but we all assumed that you were to be wed and not officially wed

because of the lack of the ring on Jim's finger. And there's no shadow or anything, so it's off a lot. Okay, well, Jim, what the hell since we're doing this um here

um cecile um yeah i've been embarrassed to tell you but um the ring um sometimes at work you know because i'm down there on the floor of the plant you know there's a lot of heavy machinery around um and sometimes the ring use some really heavy magnets on the assembly line and sometimes the ring and no one handles it like you jim thank you guys no yeah and so sometimes the ring the metal and the ring and and i i didn't i was embarrassed to tell you that like i wouldn't didn't you know because also it's because we got cheap rings. You know what I mean? It's because the rings are... There's a lot of iron in them.

It's the symbolism. It's not about the cost of the ring. I know, but I guess I've always just been a little insecure about the cheap rings and I was afraid to tell you that I had to take it off. You didn't want to tarnish it? Yeah. Wait, Jim. I have my wedding ring that my wife handed down to me 65 years ago

it's pure 24 karat solid gold i'd happily exchange my ring please please take mine jim you're both married much newer huh yes well yes well of course i just wasn't um i didn't know that about either of you i guess i yeah um i wasn't in sure about that our um i invited you to my vow renewal jim is that what that was okay um yes i got the invite. I did not. I'm sorry. My husband works on the floor with you. Sorry. I was talking about Jim. My husband works on the floor with you.

Yes, Dawn. He is Damien. Damien? Jim. Damien. Damien? Jim. Damien. No, Darren. I'm starting to think you don't know anything about any of us. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Is the room spinning? Because I feel like it's spinning. No.

It's definitely spinning. It's not spinning. I think you guys, um... Wow. Jim, I would like to rescind my offer for you to wear my wedding band. I never was going to. Is that okay? Yes, that is excellent. And I would like to rescind the adoption application letter I

sent to you six months ago that you never responded to. Good. Stop calling you pa in my dreams thank thank god for that i mean um based on some of the numbers you've spat out here i think you're probably got at least 50 years on me so i'm not too sure how the adoption how that would work there's no law that says that parents have to be older than their children. That's true. There's no law that says that. I googled it. I binged it. I looked at everything.

I asked my niece. I would do a double check on that. I think you might want to double check that paper. Jim, I don't think it's right for either Tim or I to go to the banana room tonight. No.

Okay. It's tainted now. Okay. Only real friends would celebrate other friends. And certainly we feel like real friends to you. But after today, I don't know how invested you are in either of us. I really like both of you, genuinely. Here in the workplace, you've always been friendly.

What's my name, Jim? Tim, right? Me with a T. My name is Limby, and you've been calling me tim since day one and i just well thon's been calling you tim too no to be fair i also i also heard tim when you said limby i i think i must have heard it in passing because I don't think that's a real name or at least that's not one I've ever heard. I thought you were I think I always when I saw when I heard that I thought oh Tim B like your last name started with a B and like there are other Tims. And actually I also thought that was strange because even then if you're saying like oh my name's Tim B like no

one introduces themselves first name last. Well some do that if if it's a busy workplace with a lot of tims some people would do that you know you would are there are there tims yes there are and you might not know i would know okay and your name is um actually cecile so i don't think you've ever had to worry about there being more than one of you in a room. Why are you turning on me? Well, because it did. It did. Whoa. It felt like you were taking Limby's. Why are you turning on me?

You were taking Limby's side in a weird way, considering. I was fully objective. I don't know where that came from. Fully objective. Yeah, there's a first time for everything. I, guys, I feel bad about the way this whole thing is gone um uh yeah make that four of us yeah i didn't say a number um i think i think that bim day is canceled i think that you're canceled oh well i well, I wouldn't go that far.

I think I maybe was a bit, you know, not super careful about, like, my co-workers' feelings or names, whatever, personal identifying information. Sure. Here's what I got to say to you, Jim. Next time you go to the banana room, I'll be there to make sure you get peeled. Oh. Okay. He means it, too.

Peeled. He means it, too. I mean, okay. That'll be tonight. I'll be going again for the birthday drinks. Well, you can go without me. And without me. So I hope you have a great night Right, I mean

I always said it was a work thing So I'm not I was never really expecting you to come Cecilia Cecilia? Sorry, Cecile Oh my god Wait, Dawn, isn't that your co-worker in HR?

Cecilia? No, no, no, no We're getting She's right No, no, no, no, no. We're getting... She's right. No, no, no, no, no. Limpy's so old, man. You don't know what the hell he's... Ageist.

No, I'm not ageist. Who are you today? I'm the same. You're saying, oh, you're not ageist. You're saying he's so old. You're saying he can't be your son because he's 50 years older than you. Those are all facts. Wow.

This is, honestly, I'm taking the photos of us down from my desk. I asked you to do that already. Those made me really, really uncomfortable. Cecile, we're gonna go to the, I'm gonna go to Coconut Grove tonight instead of the Banana Room, so

if you'd like to come with us and have a nice night out, then you are welcome to do so. Please don't go out with each other. We're going. We're going. Okay. We're going to talk about you. And I'm allergic to bananas anyway.

They make me real itchy. Okay. I'm sorry to hear that. I've never been sorry a day in your life, Jim. Well, I feel like I can't win with you people do you do you are you just like i'm just gonna cut to it have you been having an affair with cecilia i don't know why you think i um was doing it's not a no got it that's not a no i didn't say yes did i so jury's gonna go ahead and be out on that one.

Let's take a break. That one reminded me a lot of every job I've ever had. What? You've been having an affair with a member of HR in every job? And we'll be right back. Look. Does anyone need a break? We want a break. And we're back um alf do you want to go or should i i can go with it oh my god you're crazy tonight this one

is for four that's what you sound like shut the fuck up i'm just saying utopia this is on amazon.com utopia men's turtleneck, slim fit, lightweight, pullover, top. Okay? This is a five-star. Hold for applause. Hold for applause. This is a five-star review from Bobby D. Hopkins, what would be the last name for Bobby D?

Detroit. Bobby Detroit says... My favorite historical gangster. Five stars. I needed to look like Steve Jobs for a project slash skit slash presentation. What'd I say? What did I say?

No fucking way. I needed to look like steve jobs for a project slash skit slash presentation what combined with my short haircut and glasses everyone was floored by how close i pulled the look off glad i didn't have to break the bank to pull that off sorry there's so much to cover i don't know what you mean project slash skit slash presentation combined with my short haircut and glasses everyone was floored how close I pulled the look off. It's a really distasteful presentation like an Apple summit. It's like someone's like, some new developer is like,

oh, they're gonna love this. Walks out in like full Steve Jobs cosplay. Forgive me, but Steve Jobs wore jeans and a tucked in turtleneck, right? That is correct, yes. And our friend Mr. Forgive me, but Steve Jobs wore jeans and a tucked-in turtleneck, right? That is correct, yes. And our friend Mr. Detroit said, I can't believe I didn't have to break the bank. Okay.

All right. Well, also, combined with my short haircut and glasses, so you already wear the glasses.'re your glasses and that's just your hair and you just had jeans you just kind of look like steve job so you just had to buy a cheap amazon also steve jobs kind of bald for like the latter 25 years of his life. Like a famously bald man. I honestly don't know if he ever had the glasses and hair at the same time. Yes, he did.

No, he definitely did. I don't know about that. In 2007 when they first released the iPhone. What are you? I'm literally looking up Steve Jobs. I do remember when Steve Jobs died, I went on Facebook.com and I messaged. Facebook. And I messaged everybody I knew and went, did you hear?

What? Did you hear the news? Were you serious? About Steve? Were you serious when you did this because i can imagine younger elf being like i need to tell i was serious but i was fucking 12 like cut me a little bit of slack of course and every you know what everyone was like i know i heard like people were like there with me.

I don't see a single picture with the hair and the glasses. A 12-year-old breaking the news. There's so much. I still can't get over it. Everyone was floored at the resemblance. Everyone lost their fucking minds. They thought he was back from the dead. Costume contest.

Everyone went out, like, spent thousands of dollars. And this dude just puts on a turtleneck, and everyone's like... on a turn that kind of ruins like oh oh oh my god alan look my my cousin who i haven't seen in years god like he and my sister they live down in uh down in south carolina but he messaged me. He finally got a Facebook account. Look at that. Oh my God, sweetheart. What did he say? Okay. Oh, Cousin Jen, did you hear the news? Steve Jobs died. Sad face. I know this may come as a shock to you and your family, but I felt that I had to be the one to break oh god oh bless him all right um gosh what what do we say like thanks for letting us know or like how do

you respond to that sorry i um sorry i was playing farmville i didn't uh really clock what you just said this game is great, by the way. Have you been playing this? No, I had to put it down. God, my new vice. No, I don't even save Farmville. I love this little thing. No, it's incredible. But that's not the point. The point is that, you know, I saw

it in the paper this morning, but little little Jimothy, he just he said that he told me about steve jobs which i already knew but i think he's really upset about it oh no why why did he um i mean did he know him why is he upset about it did he know him i i'm just saying it why is a random kid upset about Steve? He's not a random kid. He's my cousin. No, right.

But in relation to Steve Jobs, he's a random kid. I think he's a big fan. I mean, look, his banner is like Steve Jobs, like Tumblr art. Oh, it's a shame. It's a real, well, I feel like I have to respond. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I think you should respond. I was never on the side of not responding.

You are so hostile. I'm sorry. And I don't know if it's me taking you away from Farmville or Steve Jobs dying. No, I used my gems. I thought that I was accelerating my plums, but I didn't. I sped up the building in my sty, and it was just a waste of my gem, and I'm kind of mad about it. But you know what?

Those have been the only plums you're accelerating lately with the amount of time you've been on that phone. All right, here we go. Okay, you know that I am working very hard with Dr. Greenberg to get my sperm count up and I don't need you

talking about my plums. Thank you very much. You're not having any help. All right. Hi, honey. Yes, I heard the news. I'm so sorry. Hope you're doing okay.

Send the rest of family my love. Send. Hope you're doing okay. No, Cousin Jen, she's broken up about this. I've got to go to her place right now cut to me at their place these fucking gems man i don't i don't did you hear that was that the door you talk about the gems one more time was that the door getting into yes do you want to get oh fuck i knew i knew i knew i shouldn't have bought those extra gems online.

There was something shifty about it. Those gems, it's the fucking FBI or something. Oh, God. Timothy. Sweetie, is your family here? No. Oh, my God. Come in.

Come in. How have you grown? God, are you okay? Are you hurt? Am I okay? Steve Jobs has perished. No, I'm not okay. I know. And you said, I hurt am i okay steve jobs has perished no i'm not okay i know i hope you're okay oh my god we saw i thought you were in an accident or something jesus oh yes no i i i saw what alan i'm just saying why what you thought he was in an accident? Look at him. He's sweating bullets.

He looked like he ran. Where did you? Sweetie, how did you get here? I just sweat a lot. I didn't even walk that fast. Cousin, I've been working on it. My doctor says it's an over-perspiration thing. And he gave me some things to do.

I'm sorry to point it out. But it obviously must not be working. No, I'm sorry to point it out. It runs in your cousin's family. It runs in the family. Unfortunately. It's like I jog for too long, and it's like I'm on a slip and slide.

I know. I know. It's terrible. They've all got it. Honey, honey, I gotta tell you. Does your family know you're here? Of course they know I'm here. I said, cousin Jin needs me now.

Steve Jobs has her really torn up. Oh, that was sweet of you, wasn't it? Wasn't that sweet of him to come over? Look me in my eyes when you're talking to me. You're distracted by me. Can you put the phone down for one second? There's just like a really fine window when you're trying to breed them. And I just want to make sure I get it.

Alan. Trying to breed. Alan. My mommy says says your sperm count is too low for it oh okay well classic diane yeah okay but but i my sperm count no do not no do not blame him do not blame my cousin when you are the one posting statuses every day saying alan is running low on bank funds if you know what i mean with a wink face i'm yeah i mean uncle alan even i know that your soldiers are moving really slow no no they're not in attention let's get one okay the doctor she dr greenberg she said they my is slightly below average was the phrasing she used she said slightly below average could be responsible for our difficulty conceiving she did not at any point say my soldiers weren't okay it's

not an erection it's not it's well alan no i'm just saying because it doesn't raise uncle alan can i be honest with you yes of course honey course, honey. Well, I overheard a conversation, Cousin Jin, between you and my mother, where you said that, well, Uncle Alan's flagpole isn't even at half mass. And that's ridiculous. If you really didn't... Can I not gab with my girls? But you're lying. Um, no.

How about you believe women? I do, but I... Oh, uh, uh, uh, uh. It's not that I don't believe you, but I get very hard. Do not say that in front of my 12-year-old cousin. That seems very inappropriate. I, okay.

He's using euphemism. He's using euphemism, and you using euphemism and you are the one point blank. Stop it. If you want to have this conversation, we can have this conversation, but not now. I didn't bring up anything about my... anything about these issues here.

Your plums. Uncle Alan, all I gotta say is every word you say... Well, that's what you...'s what that's what i've i was supposed to call you cousin-in-law cousin-in-law i'm a child uncle makes me feel she's your cousin she's an adult what that well that's cousin jen and uncle alan but yes makes it sound like i'm her dad honestly Honestly, Uncle Alan, you might be. I don't usually say anything about age gap relationships. Okay, no.

Or just your general demeanor about being. But she's right. Believe women. The only man I ever believed perished today. I know, honey. Okay, yes, Alan, I feel like we're forgetting the whole reason that Jiminy is here three years older only I know I'm bald and it is because Steve Jobs died and honey I know how much

you loved him how much you looked up to him and I am so so sorry it's so hard when someone we really care about dies isn't it it's very hard it's very very hard it's like the opposite of how I'd feel if Uncle Alan perished Whoa

There I was expecting a low blow About my soldier again Talking about things being hard And you come and say you wouldn't care if I died You don't really mean that do you You would You'd care if I died You'd care if I died

No you'd. You'd care if I died. Not really. I would care. No, you'd care. My mom also said that you don't really know low blows anymore, Uncle Alan. That's what mommy You're going to have to bring that up with Jen. I'd be perfectly happy to know low blows actually, Jimothy, but that's something you're going to have to bring up with your cousin.

It's hard to engage in a low blow when the ship's at half mass. It's hard for that wind to get things going, sail across the sea when the ship's at half mass. Maybe there's a reason it's not at full mass. Something about the wind isn't exactly blowing anymore. Something about these nautical euphemisms tell me that this conversation is way older than me. Yeah. I can't make any meaningful

contributions but to say that mom says that cousin Jen says that Alan is half the man her ex used to be and I don't even know what that means. God, God, your mother really really needs to keep really i'm not intimidated by that i'm not intimidated by that well no that's not true well no that's not true

he's he was disgusting i mean we all agree but you okay but nobody liked him oh i'm not intimidated by that but you bring him up every time and you are you said his name last week for some reason you said his name because another one of my co-workers, they have the same name. No, during... Wait, so you said a co-worker's name? Oh, you... God. I...

Listen, I had a long day at work. Which co-worker? I never... I had had a long day at work, and my mind was still on the job. And so, sorry. What about... I'm sorry. What about that was the job?

Well, Cousin Jen, if I may interject for a moment, Mother says that the only job you've ever found is at the bottom of a bottle. Okay. I mean, Diane, you know, when she's right, she's right, you know. Now, what we're gonna do, what we're not gonna

do is we're not gonna turn this on Cousin Jen because it's a sad day and we're here to talk, what we're not going to do is we're not going to turn this on Cousin Jen because it's a sad day. And we're here to talk about. Oh, yeah, because you were so torn up. And we're not here to talk about. We're not here to talk about that. You know what? Do you know what Cousin Jen said to me before you came over?

I have no idea. She said, I'm glad he's dead. I heard he wasn't a very good dad. I did not say that. That is a lie. That is a lie that is jimothy she said that technological father to everyone with a phone in their hands a free message to the choir it's it's alan i never said that that is a lie that's the first lie jimothy jimothy do you know what else jen said i never said you know what else she said i never said that alan i'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up she said i never said that she said he never invented

a goddamn thing in his life he was just a good marketer i never said no that's what she said lying to you jimothy i am your blood relative i am your cousin i love you so so much and i promise i never she said wasniak was the real brains behind the apple too then who made the maps app that i used to route myself here probably a bunch of developers i never said any of these things jimothy i am so sorry that he is lying to you. He just needs to go to his father when he belongs. What do you mean where I belong? Where you belong with the

pigs. Oh, you wish. Rolling with the pigs. Yeah, I do wish. I do wish. Hey, you married me. Timothy, I will drive you home, okay? I'm gonna get you some water. I'm gonna get my keys and my coat and we're gonna get in the car. I'm gonna bring you home, okay? I'm gonna get you some water I'm gonna get my keys and my coat And we're gonna get in the car

I'm gonna bring you home, okay? I don't wanna be brought anywhere with you two You are the kind of people I never wanna be when I grow up I'd rather be like Steve Jobs is right now Than what you are at this very moment No, you don't mean that No, Timothy, take that back You don't mean that

Death is a better punishment for life's recourse than following the same path you have no come on jimothy that's enough jimothy i'm not gonna disagree like tensions have been high tensions have been my mom said that the only thing you succeeded in because it is paving the pathway to failure. Oh, that's rich. I mean... Oh, yeah, you got something to say, Alan? No, I just, you know, I think it's interesting that your sister has a whole lot of criticisms, you know,

for someone who, you know, got everywhere she's ever been. But, you know... Don't. I'm just saying. Hey, Uncle Alan, ever been but you know don't i'm just saying they're you know alan keep my mother's name out of your mouth you you you you you you pig you okay now i see the family resemblance yeah there it is there it is you sound just like your mother you sound just like your mother. You sound just like your cousin. You disgust me. The lot of you.

I hate your family. I hate your family. I hate your whole fucking family. You know what I love about you, Uncle Alan? What do you love? Is that your bloodline ends with you. Oh, the little man has teeth. He wants to play that game.

Well, you go tell your fucking whore mother i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry the heat of the moment the heat of the moment got to me alan that is inexcusable jimothy get in the car i'm taking to your mother's alan i'm not going anywhere with you i take back that part man i'm walking out no you're not no listen to the pitter patter of my feet you're not walking you're better better better better god god he's fast he's like how did he get so far away jesus christ i'm sorry i forgot my my black turtleneck and glasses right here in my bald cap that i only wear it when i'm when i'm when i'm post 2004 steve jobs now I'm out of here for good. Are you happy?

He really doesn't look like he's been eating anything but fruit. I'm starting to worry about him. I don't know. Oh, now you worry about him. I can worry about him and hate him. He's an awful child from an awful family. Well, that family's my family, so. Yes, I'm well aware.

You really talk to your sister about, you know, all that stuff? Of course. Why? Why are you doing that? Why? Yeah. Well, I need someone to talk to about it. Why not talk about it with me? I mean, I'm hearing all this stuff second, third, you know, fucking telephone through Jimothy. I'm just saying, man. Listen, I will say this.

I know communication's never been your fucking strong suit, but. That's not what I was going to say, but no, go ahead, say it. I was going to say that I did not mean for it to come out through jimothy i thought that was a pretty unbelievable but uh at least it's out in the open okay so i love that you're reframing this is a good thing well someone has to. Okay. I'm going to go upstairs and sell off my cows. Is that what you're calling it these days? Okay.

I want a divorce. So do I. Good. Mutual. I get everything in the prenup by the way I tricked your ass we got time for one more

sure why not yeah what's the worst that can happen huh I can shout whore again my neighbors can keep emailing the landlord

to try and get me evicted. I really hope that they think that you're just too busy. I know, and it's like making me yell all about my ED and my low sperm count and how I hate your family. It's like my neighbors think I'm the worst. It makes me sound like I hate your family. It's like my neighbors. You're a whore, mother. I think I'm the worst. That makes me sound like I'm her dad. It's not an age gap relationship, man. Whore.

This is for poor if men's casual turtleneck slim fit basic tops lightweight pullover sweater. Okay. This is. Oh. And I lost it. This is one star. There's only one first name there's no last name the first name is flop ass flop ass last name

flop ass all one word Flop ass That's my new favorite insult Flop ass Sounds like something Jennifer would Post a video Doesn't do well Flop ass

The last name for flop ass Any minute Hey I'm sorry be the last name for flop ass any minute hey oh i don't think there's something i'm cycling through a bunch of let's just say flop ass jones worth of a way flop ass jones one star the title is smells awful can't wash out oh This shirt arrived in a random plastic bag that did not look like it came from a factory, more like someone's personal inventory who already wore it. While the garment looks new, it reeks of deeply embedded cologne that cannot be washed out and has made my other clothes smell just like it in the wash. The smell is so strong it hasn't come out after two washes, and I was a fool to mix it in the wash. The smell is so strong, it hasn't come out after two washes.

And I was a fool to mix it with other laundry. Save yourself the headache and buy a cheap shirt from a real retailer who hasn't pre-soaked the clothes in a cheap cologne to cover up the fact it's probably been worn already. Never again, Amazon. I have a migraine from the smell of this shirt.

Just trying to save a few bucks not worth the hassle i am baffled by the things that amazon will let you return and not let you return like for me sweater i don't know if you should be able to return that on the internet i bought a huge bag of citric acid and they wouldn't let me return it. It's very annoying. What were you going to say? Whoa. No, let's, let's, let's.

No, no, no. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I bought a big bag of citric acid. Food grade. I know we heard. I don't want to hear anymore. I think that's why I couldn't return it though is because they technically classed it as a food.

Not what I was using it for though. Hopkins, what were you going to say? Wait, I kind of want to know what he was't return it, though, is because they technically classed it as a food. Not what I was using it for, though. Hopkins, what were you going to say? Wait, I kind of want to know what he was using it for. No, no, no, Hopkins, what were you going to say? Since Riley doesn't give a shit about my crimes. Because Riley's such a whore, she doesn't give a shit. Whatever, man. I was just going to say that, like, how they sell, like, those like those like houses that you can get on Amazon for like 18 grand.

What? No, speak on that. You haven't seen like the little mini houses? No. The tiny houses? You can get one on Amazon? Yeah. It's like if you look up Amazon tiny house, search tiny house, you'll find one for like 19 grand.

It's two day shipping. I wonder. Huh. Can you return a house? Look it up. I wonder. Can you return a house? Look at that. Tiny house. I am. Tiny house to live in.

Nope. These are tiny houses. Oh, my God. There's fucking hundreds of them. Tiny house to live in. Yep. $15,000. Oh, my Lord. Does it have15,000. Oh my lord.

Does it have the two-day shipping? Oh. Yeah, it's got the two-day shipping. Hold on. I love- This is- This one's not prime eligible, but don't worry, the shipping's only $6.99. $7 shipping.

This is eligible for return. Eligible for return. I can return a house. Return a house. You can return a house. Return a house. You can return a house. Could it return his murder acid? Literally, what the fuck? This is fucking crazy.

I ordered two by accident. Foldable house for sale. That's why I was trying to return one. Of what? The acid. Honey, I'm so glad we finally, you know, downsized and decided to live our hashtag tiny home life. No, it's been great. You know, a few cricks in the neck, a little getting used to, but it's exciting.

You know, it's good to have a change once in a while. I love the house. I'm just going to say it. I'm so much happier here than I was in that big old thing. Yeah. I, gosh, I mean, I don't think there's any other way to say it than to just go out and say it. Huh? I kind of miss indoor plumbing.

And I miss AC. miss um i miss indoor plumbing and i miss ac i miss heating i i don't know i just i feel like we gave it a shot you know i told you i said that i would give it a shot i said i'd give it two weeks and i did and today the two weeks are up but i um i i feel like i i can. It's not for me. Okay. You're mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I just. Are you disappointed?

No. No, not even. I think I'm just stressed. Because. About. Well, we already. So the house is in escrow. and so now this we were about 20 grand down on this i just not sure this is eligible for return trust me i already checked

and it was the two week mark so we get in under the 30 days okay um there were some stipulations about the return i think they were pretty clear that you couldn't return if there had been um smoking in the oh i'm sure i'm sure people do this all the time listen why don't you hop on with customer service now and you can just like you can walk through any um and you're sure you don't want to give it another week or two? I am fully positive that I do not want to live here anymore. You're my queen, and I love you. I love you so much. And we have, I just want to say, I've had a lot of relationships,

and ours is so healthy, and we would never yell at each other or call each other whore or anything. I never thought we would until now. I know, and that's what I love about us. Let me ring up Amazon and see what the hell they think they're doing. Why, hello there. You're on the line with Amazon customer support. Who am I supporting this evening?

Hi, yeah. My name is Jeremy. Jeremy. What a wonderfully friendly name. Hi, Jeremy. He sounds nice. Yeah. This will be easy.

He does sound nice. Put him on speaker. Put him on speaker. Okay, I'll do it. I'm not here. I'm not here. Okay. I'm here alone. I hear a second voice in the room there with you

Is it just you tonight Jeremy? Oh I had the news on that was Maddow That was Rachel Maddow let me turn that down Oh Maddow You're having your political leaning show here Okay Jeremy I took a gamble I thought maybe he'd like

Stay more centrist Yeah let me change it to something more my speed. Let's take a look what Jake Tapper's up to, huh? The tap. Okay. Tap man. Moving a little bit in the other direction. I see where you're heading here.

How can I help you this evening? I can't tell which direction he wants us to be. I think maybe he wants us to keep going, like further right. But that feels like a big risk. Oh, I can hear you. Let's see what you pick. Okay. How about...

Do you just want to go foot on Fox? I think further. Let's do like One America News Network. Let's do something like Tucker Carlson's show on X. I feel like that's way too far. You think I'm overcorrecting? That's a big risk. Okay. But. I feel like that's way too far. You think I'm overcorrecting? That's a big risk. Okay.

But if you feel like that's right. What about like a Rush Limbaugh from the archive before he died? Listen, whatever feels like it will give us a return. We just need to pick something. Okay. Okay, go, go, go. Oh my God, I love listening to george bush senior state of the unions these really get me going jeremy you over corrected ah that's going to have a large

impact on this conversation i love listening to him so i can fucking yell at the tv about how much i hate that old bitch and i'm glad he died. I hear what you're saying. I hate the indecisiveness, but I appreciate the sentiment. What's your order number? 6-4- 2-9- 1-1-3

4-9-3-9 8 Yeah, that, yep. Oh, it looks like you bought one of our tiny homes. Yes, it's excellent. Oh, you didn't upgrade for the indoor plumbing or AC. That was available. You never told me that they had models with that.

I didn't even know. I swear I didn't know. Oh, and you said I did all my research. Okay. Okay. Well, how can I help you? I was busy trying to list the house and do that. Yeah, we were just wondering if it,

when would be the soonest someone could pick it up for a return? Pick it up for a return? Oh, I might have to escalate this problem. Hold for a moment. Well, I don't think we need to escalate anything. It's because of the George Bush thing. You were goading me. I'm just saying, I feel like if you had love you i love you this is a loveful marriage we are listen to each other and we respect each other we don't who am i speaking with

oh gross this is jeremy and straw sounds like the devil jeremy this is jeremy and stroth my beautiful wife stroth and I I didn't want to be Hi No she's here with me And she wants to let you know How much we love our tiny home But unfortunately

Oh it's such a bummer It's just not It's been amazing But we are going to need to For our family right now Someone pick it up Yeah You love it but you want to go home

That's right Yeah You got it That's it. Do you two love each other? So deeply. So much. So much.

What? Get divorced. What are you talking about? Why would you do that? Because we love each other? Yeah, you're divorcing my tiny home. Oh, I see what you're doing. You said you love the tiny home.

This was a rhetorical divide. Divorce each other. Talk about it. I'm putting you on hold and I'm escalating. No, well, don't escalate. I think we have to tell a lie. I don't understand why

it feels like we're going, like this is Dante's Inferno. I don't understand the escalation of this issue. I think probably just the price tag, 20 grand. Okay, should we just say we hate each other?

No, I don't want to do that. That would hurt my feelings. I say we're, I would hurt my feelings Why don't we say you're pregnant with triplets? I would never call you a whore. Okay. And we need more space.

And we just need more space. Hi. This is... Hi. Is this Jeremy and Stroth? Stroth. That's right. Jeremy and Stroth.

That's right. She's so pregnant. Oh, God. My water is on the verge of breaking. Oh, my God. I can see it from here. Oh, well, then I will try my best to do this as fast as possible. Yes, we need someone to take...

My name is Roger... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was just trying to introduce myself to... Breathe, honey. Breathe. No, I'm sorry. I just...

Roger, I'm sorry. Roger, what is your full name? Full name? That's a bit too personal, Stroth. Why do we... You told me you were trying to introduce yourself. I felt like it was about to say it. My first name basis, um...

Oh, well, Roger, we just... Don't interrupt. Just... Sorry. Take it away, Rog. You know, it's fine. I'm used to it. No, no, no, no. People generally interrupt me a lot. Go for it. No, didn't mean to.

We just were... What do you need? And I'll do my best to service you, and then you'll never care about what Roger's up to for the rest of forever. Oh, my heavily. No, Roger, we care deeply. I am so pregnant. We need more space. We need someone to take the house. My heavily pregnant wife and I really would love to sell a home.

I don't like the pregnancy about you. I hate women. I don't want to buy a home. I didn't say we were pregnant. I literally said my pregnant wife and I. No, that's. We love each other. We probably have a home.

We love each other so much. We need someone to, we want to return the tiny house to Amazon because I'm about to burst at the seams with three kids in me. And so we cannot have this house anymore. The doctors say there might be another. Three kids at least. We can't quite see. Well, I see your predicament and that's a simple enough solution um let me just ask one yes or no question and that will determine if we can accept this return or not we actually have a

crew that seems to be in your area um that could be there within the hour to pack up your tiny home exactly one quick question of course um from roger to you uh just for uh because this call is being monitored um have you smoked in the home oh god no around my pregnant wife are you kidding me my wife's so i wouldn't so i couldn't even dream of smoking. Well, just use cologne. We're scurrying. Well, I also happen to be working from an annex, so I will come to your location immediately

and see these claims for myself. Perfect. Hold on tight. I'll be there shortly. Oh, no. The one. Oh, shit ass. Okay. Get a pillow. get a big pillow. Okay. And.

Fill it with cologne. Nope, the cologne's for the smoking. Oh, the pregnancy. I forgot we have to make you pregnant. Yes, yes. What if you're just not showing? Put your pants back on, put your pants back on. No, we're not doing that now.

But I'm gonna get the pillow and then, maybe if he starts to smell the cigarette smoke, I'll just drop, I just drop a glass of water and make it look like my water broke. Okay, well, don't drop the glass because then he's going to be like, why did she have glass up there? Just spill some water.

But we need to create a distraction. So maybe I can drop something and then it'll be like, oh, my water broke. Hello? What, my water broke so I dropped a glass? I'll be right back. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Hi, I see you.

Stall, stall, stall. Sorry, she's got morning. You could come on in. She's got morning sickness. She's chucking up a vomit in there she's barely keeping it upright all the babies weighing her down oh hot yeah i cooked some bacon this morning it was delicious oh that smells like a mixture of marijuana, tobacco, and crack cocaine. I throw a glass down the stairs. Oh, my water broke. Is that a pipe?

Is that a pipe? Oh, shit ass. This is, my water broke. I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to, we're going to have to leave. We have to take you to the hospital. I'm sorry. We're going to have to leave. We have to take you to the hospital. I'm sorry. We're going to have to take her to the hospital.

This is actually perfect. I just finished my training. I'm actually going to be working in a delivery room starting Monday. That's all right. I have my doctor. We have our OB. We've been seeing. We have a very specific faith.

You said that the price of the home was too much oh 20 grand hospital bills would be way more than that let me just put on these two late test gloves that i keep conveniently in my front left pocket i don't know god um and spread them oh my god you're fine actually aren't you it was just a you know what that wasn't even your water that was just the sometimes that there's that early water. Yes, I think we're fine. That was the early water. I am not having contractions.

Oh, you know what? And now I'm thinking about it. It is a bit too early. You've got another couple weeks, they said, probably. I have another couple weeks. So few. Wait a second. Jeremy Stroth?

Yes? Ma'am, I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but can you lift your shirt just three inches from where it is? She's not going to show you anything. I can't believe that you would ask me to bear myself in my own home. That's her pregnant stomach. That is my pregnant stomach you're talking about. It's just this place smells of narcotics, you have a oblong shaped what is the neighborhood that i presume is a pillow yes it's three babies maybe more and they're very real and they're very

inside i don't like and so he's insinuating about you well i'm not insinuating anything i'm saying that you two are both dirty, stinking liars, and I'm not taking back the home. No, no. Here, we'll be truth tellers. Here, I take a very long pill. I'm not pregnant. I'm on the pill.

You didn't need to know that. It's not important. And his sperm count's really low anyway uh so that's um slightly below average slightly below average and um i think we we he smoked a spliff didn't know he laced it with all the other stuff that's crazy i didn't lace it i if it smells like crack in here that's from the dealer i was only intending to smoke weed you know and and and the sperm count is probably because of all the weed I smoke. Yes.

I got to be honest with you. All this rigmarole, it's too much. You call our phone line. Nobody ever gets escalated to me. You lie incessantly. You smoke things in here when you shouldn't be smoking things in here. There's no plumbing. There's no outlets.

This is essentially a box. And we at Amazon hold ourselves to high standards. We pride ourselves on our convenience, our integrity, the treatment of our workers in completely humane ways. Famously. And, well, why do you lie to me? I'm just Roger. I think we were afraid that if you knew that we were doing some light recreational drug use in the home that you wouldn't accept the return. Because that's what it sounded like on the call.

You were like, simply yes or no, which will dictate whether or not we accept the return as about the smoke. Well, we're also Amazon. You say yes or no to the question. We're still taking it back. Are you? But not now.

Why not now? Wait, why not now? Roger's feelings are hurt. And Roger's feelings matter. Yes, of course they do. We love you. And you had three or more fake babies. Roger, what can we do to rectify this situation.

Well, it just smells like your smells are being covered by some wondrous colonic smell. If anybody has that cologne, give me a bottle and I'll take your return. Oh, easy. Jeremy, why don't you

go get the bottle? Oh, but okay. Jeremy. It was kind of expensive get the bottle? Oh, but... Okay. Jeremy. It was kind of expensive. I love you. I love you, too. We never fight. We never fight or call each other whore.

We love each other. We love each other so much. You're not bothered by my low sperm. And I'm not bothered by your... And you're not bothered by me being on the pill. No. Which, for some reason reason you keep telling me trust your body's natural cycle and i'm just saying it was you know just because it was the first idea doesn't mean it's the best idea there's many other more modern approaches to roger okay

so this is um well it's sauvage by christian dior um it is an It is an earthy scent with fruit in it. And it has done me well. Hey, it was enough to bag this one, huh? Bag, bag, bag, bag. Why did I say bag? I don't know. Well, you two are obviously two of the oddest, freakiest people I've ever met before in my life. What is this, my best man speech all over again?

Hey, come on. Fucking hated that guy. Oh, okay. No, Roger, sorry. No, Roger, it was a fair assessment after everything that's happened today. Oh, you don't hate me? No, Roger, you think you're the sweetest. No, sorry. I was talking about my best man. Yes, he was not talking about you.

I've always wanted to be somebody's best man. Hopefully this Sauvage gets me closer to that goal. Probably. I'm sure it will. Yeah. Now, can we have the crew come pick up the house? Yes, but this house is only eligible for store credit. Bye, everybody.

Wait. No. That's okay. It's okay. Store credit's fine. We just have to... We need to spend $20,000 on Amazon. Everything we buy for the next two or three years, we'll buy on Amazon.

There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. The workers like it there. He said the workers like it. He said they treat them really, really well. Let's make a... I was hoping you'd finish it. Let's make a...

And then you would be like, babe, you know, but... Or three. What? I can't decide that. Oh. Do you mean like three at once or three total? What do you mean?

Isn't that the same? I mean like three total... Oh, three over the course of the years? I don't know. How do you think it works? Um, I think you probably get to pick. No.

I love you. We never fight. We never fight. Let's do our last segment. Please. This shook me all week long. We don't have the rights to that song anymore, so we're making up our own tune.

Also, I love that you say we don't have the rights to that song anymore as if we ever had the rights to that song. Hopkins, what has been shaking your ass for better or for worse? Why can't you stop thinking about what's been shaking you, moving you on the brain in your life? Okay, so I think this has been an ongoing saga. last part of this story i need to preface this because every person i've told this story to uh either doesn't believe it or can't figure out how i allowed this to happen i thought you were gonna say every person i told this story to is dead oh my god oh my god gross story dead men

tell no tale it's the ring so i've been having this ongoing war with the squirrels on my balcony for the entirety of the time i've i've lived in this apartment so since july and it starts the the height of it starts a couple weeks ago i uh i'm working at this very desk, and I hear some in my walls. And I'm like, what is going on? In my walls. And so then I go outside to the balcony, and I see that our dryer has a vent, an exhaust vent outside, and I see that there's a squirrel burrowing up in there. So then I turn the dryer on dryer on high heat you tried to cook

you tried to cook him well the squirrel like jumps out because i guess it got too hot and so then i closed my door but i had the blinds open and i'm in in the living room looking at it the squirrel looks at me makes a noise and then then poops on our outdoor seating just like our two chairs we have out there which are off-white just lays them and then just jumps away oh and so recently this was i think maybe thursday or friday i get a package and i'm walking to our mail room which is on the other side of the the other side of the complex and i walk and i'm walking along this pathway and there's like this uh this metal archway with like with like uh you know vines and stuff all

twirled within it and then i hear squirrel sounds and i'm thinking oh that's nice of the building they have like speakers playing with like nature sounds sorry you thought that was your first sound design i was i was like i was like oh is there water play and so i'm coming so then i go that way and then when i come back i'm carrying this very heavy package and i stop under this archway again and i'm like what is that sound and i'm so i'm like so i'm like leaning to the side like where does that sound coming from? Because I don't see any squirrels. And then out of no way, I feel a furry paw. No way.

Punch me across the jaw. No, no. And runs away. There's no way. And I just stood there in disbelief. there's no way and I just stood there in disbelief there's no way I stood there in disbelief

this is a cartoon and so and so I told my girlfriend about it immediately and she was like oh these squirrels

those squirrels are so funny I tell my friend and he's like you gotta get a tetanus shot and I'm like I don't to get a tetanus shot. And I'm like, I don't know, a rabies shot. Rabies probably, yeah. I'm like, it didn't break skin. I'm that friend, to be clear, because my first thought was, I hope he got a rabies shot.

And then I tell my parents about it. And then my dad is like, that didn't happen. So I'm not really feeling much support on any angle. But I was punched in the face by a squirrel. I don't know what to say. I don't know what support you're looking for. I don't know what response you're hoping for. So I just acknowledge that they believe it happened.

I certainly believe it happened. I believe it happened. I think the squirrel sent a very clear message when it took a shit on the furniture. And I don't want to blame you for what happened, but you were the first one to attempt murder. You tried to cook it. You tried to broil it.

You did try and cook it. No, no, no, no. For the time that I moved in, they were pooping on the balcony. Right, but you see how you escalated it they would get like they would get like lint and i guess from all the other uh dryer exhausts and they would just get a ball of it and just leave it scattered around my our balcony it might have been a gift probably a nest for their babies see that's even worse they nest i even I even put... See, I even tried

a non-violent tactic. I put a fake snake out there. One day it was just playing with the snake. A little violent. It's fake. They don't know that. Playing with it. Oh, maybe they do know that. It gave it a little poke.

So it didn't work. Well, I believe that it happened and Get a BB gun! No, stop it. Pop him! Stop it! It's a BB, it's not gonna hurt him. Alf, what's been shaking you?

To be clear, I don't condone shooting the squirrel. Two things. One, hunting. Two, guns. There's one thing we learned about me it's that i am a proud nra member um which stands for no riley's allowed come on dude um i'm a proud doesn't even make sense i'm a proud no riley's allowed member yeah that does make sense and you're not allowed um um i watched the shogun the television program shogun that's been been very much making the

rounds these last uh week this is gonna come out in a month by which time everyone will be fucking old news but it's a really good show i'm only like four episodes and i think three or four episodes in um i always was like maybe i'll read those books and then i was like wait they're the longest books ever written and there's a hundred of them and so i didn't um but this is fascinating you're such a fucking asshole i'm locked in show is one of the best shows on tv no but i believe that but all i've heard is i've watched this show it's a really excellent show because they're long it uh what i'm about to say is really embarrassing but i'm gonna say anyway i genuinely like for watching things at home i really like to watch things at home that are not in english that require me to have subtitles on because it's one of the only ways I cannot stare at my phone the entire time I'm watching something

because my attention span has been so rat fucked exactly I am a cocoa melon baby through and through and like genuinely like the fact that half the time I have to be reading the screen to see the subtitles which means that i'm not like playing some fucking cursed game on my phone or scrolling marvel snap playing marvel snap and scrolling through instagram just being like oh i wish i was her you know just like wishing my life was different that's when you're looking at my profile yes i look at you and i go god i wish i had all the things that she had she's so cool i wish i had a podcast um anyway uh so yeah it's been really an enjoyable experience um but yeah like anatomy of a fall that was another one i was so glad that movie was not in english because i was like oh finally finally it was half the time. So it's like you,

it's like keeping you on your toes. That's true. And some, a lot of the, not a lot, probably like half of the Shogun is also in English. Um, although it's supposed to be Portuguese,

which is kind of a mind fuck, but I guess they were like, we can't do it in Portuguese. I don't know. It's like, it's in Japanese. And maybe you probably could have done it in Portuguese um but I guess I guess they didn't do it in

Portuguese because I mean I don't know I guess they're probably there probably are a lot of Portuguese actors actors who speak Portuguese but I guess they made the decision for the show to do it in English because I guess they, well, I guess they probably thought it would be more accessible to the general American audience if it was, you know, in English rather than Portuguese because Portuguese is not, you know. So, yeah, but it's a really good show. Some fantastic acting. The sound design is great um it's beautiful to look at it's quite violent so if that's not your thing i would uh well i steer clear of it um

i'll save you i um no no no no need i'm quite i'm quite content um gosh i wish i had something to say before i said that i just fucking did that for so fucking long and you don't have a fucking i was so wrapped that i uh couldn't. Okay, okay. Talk about one of your many bowel issues. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm done with that. I'm done with that. E.coli and such.

I'm done with that. I'm done. It was just the one and it was E.coli and I'm done with that. It was not just the one because, anyway, we don't have to get into it.

Two things. One, I, there is a cookie. I was looking for a little sweet treat. Now, Hopkins, I don't have to get into it. Two things. One, there is a cookie. I was looking for a little sweet treat. Now, Hopkins, I don't know if you know this about me, but normally my sweet treat of choice, chocolate chips from a bag. Chippy men. Come on. I can't possibly know why I would know that.

It is delicious. It is one of my favorite little treats to have. Cold chocolate chips straight from the bag. I had some before this recording. It's amazing. My little treats to have. Cold chocolate chips straight from the bag. I had some before this recording. It's amazing. My little Chippy Men. So, in lieu of Chippy Men, which I was about to get, I saw there was a

vegan cookie dough. You can bake it or you can eat it. And I'm like, you know what? I'll try it. Shit. I'll try it. Were you planning to bake it? I've got nothing else to do. Or did you know you were going to eat it?

I'm like, you know what? If it works, this is going to be delicious. And if it doesn't, I lost five bucks. What do you mean if it works? I mean, if it's good. What a weird way of talking about a food. This shit is delicious. Name the brand.

Oh, God. I think it's called eat pastry um and it's so fucking good it's so it's it is so fucking good um so i've been having that as my little treat but last night i felt like a little kid because i had too many bites and then I had a tummy ache and the other thing that's been shaking me is um The Gentleman which is the new Guy Ritchie show on Netflix I haven't watched it Theo Jane okay another thing Hopkins you do know this that my uh celebrity crushes are very weird and um so normally on the show, I will talk about usually me wanting to fuck the devil from the cuphead show. And like, that's been the weird one of late,

but Theo James is, this is a very normal one for me. Theo James is so hot and I forgot he's British. So him with the accent is just so, so that's, what's been really shaking me is that for once i have like a normal crush um hawkins do you know what the devil from the cuphead show looks like um did you post this recently on a tiktok i sure did yep and i i definitely saw that

this guy right here yep i don't know what's more concerning yep those kind of things pretty much every every everyone you've ever brought up to me has been like oh concerning uh or the fact that every time you talk about food it's a stomach issue following it sounds like your microbiome is not being taken care of it's because of the e coli what is this show about the gentleman yes just watch it i think you'll like it because i googled it and it it came up with the name of the second episode which is tackle tommy woo woo yes no it's actually quite good you and then it says the summary starts the tops and their gamekeeper hunt a new kind of prey and i'm like you have to watch you have to watch the first episode to understand tackle tommy woo woo it's actually quite good um is it all in english is Is the show in English?

Oh you're one of those I probably won't be able to make it through it No there is some subtitling Maybe I'll do the Portuguese dub Oh my god Hawkins thank you so so much For coming on and fucking around Do you have anything to plug? Where can people find you? I don't like being found

No No you can find me on instagram at ryan.mh11 you know keep up with my happenings there uh my twitter account doesn't get used anymore or uh tiktok at right after five see me there hell yeah uh you can find alf on instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. Please send in. We are running really, really low on theme songs, you guys.

ReviewReviewShow at gmail.com. Send us some original copyright-free music. And then we are on Discord, HeadGum Discord ReviewReview channel. Things are popping off there. Yep, that's all the plugs that I say. Now it's alf's turn and you can find riley on instagram.com just the web browser not the phone app at riley coyote no fuck i fucked it up oh my fucking god that's the first time i do it every week and you can find riley on Instagram.com just a web browser not the phone app at Riley and spot and on

Twitter.com now known as xxx.com for as long as it lasts at Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it we're never not saying it Hopkins you know we always it's our catchphrase from the week to week we're always saying it you whore you whore

we'll see you next week you whore bye bye everyone you you you you Thank you. That was a Hiddem Original.