Review Revue - Universal Studios (w/ Carly Kane!)

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

This week Alfred and Reilly are joined by comedian Carly Kane as they discuss they perform scenes based on review for Universal Studios. Follow at: IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnit Twitter:��@reilecoyote  Join the discord here! <><> Produced by Daniel Ramos @Schubirds Advertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fm   This episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. And participating restaurants for a limited time. This is a HeadGum Original. Los Angeles

Your parents' divorce We're gonna die in a Sandals resort Nighttime Nancy, a menace to anthropology 1220 subscribers, Jeff's better than me All I wanna do is to, to know you All I wanna be is to, to know you All I wanna be is a, a podcast All it's got to take is some Jeff and Wiley review, review, review All I wanna do is to, to know you

All I wanna be is a, a podcast All it's got to be is a podcast. It's got to take a song. Just to be with you, with you, with you. Wow. Wow. That was from Sean M. And yes, that was from May 8th, 2021. That was a little cover of Blow Away by George Harrison, but now with referential lyrics. That was beautiful, Sean. And I'm sorry it took us years, calendar years to play that on the pod. A new host even. That's fine. You know, the fact that all of the songs reference somebody who's not on the show anymore doesn't affect me at all. And you can't say his name.

No. You can't say his name. I'm not going to give him a free promotion. He doesn't. If he wants to, he has to come back on the show. No, I just, I guess all I have is a plea to the listeners, to the ever diminishing listenership, that you just please write a theme song that has my name in it. Cause I'm here now. And there's nothing more enticing than someone begging you to write a song.

I'll give you like sound bites, like drops that you can use if you want. Like I'll, I'll do anything just to have a theme song that has me in it. That sucks. That came across as even needier than I meant it. But I heard a laugh. Oh,

did you hear like a little laugh i did hear a little oh did you oh oh oh my god there it is again is that our special guest today carly kane oh my god comedian writer just generally lovely chicagoan carly kane and by chicagoan i mean new York. What the fuck was that? I'm the one in Chicago. I know. I just... That was really embarrassing.

Sorry, my computer was having tech issues for the better part of 30 minutes, and I'm not here. But now I am. Carly, welcome. Thank you so much for having me. And don't worry, I don't even know where I live right now. So it's perfect. You don't have to say that. I strongly identify with Chicago in a big way. That's fine. You don't have to fucking say that. No'm, so it's perfect. I strongly identify with Chicago

in a big way. Yeah, it's fine. You don't have to fucking say that. No, it's a great city. Everyone should move here.

It's the truth. I'm obsessed with it. I miss it every day. It's perfect, except for the six months of the year where it's tundra. But apart from that,

it's perfect half the time. Half the year, It's humbling though. It is. It is. Puts everyone on the same playing field, you know,

at levels. It does. Kylie, what's new? What's up? Not too much. I'm in New York right now. I live in LA currently, but I did live in Chicago.

So I'm definitely in this, just bopping around, just, you know, in New York right now, doing some shows, hanging out, and very excited to be here i love that she's a jet setter she's bi-coastal try yes yes i do i do stand by chicago being a coast i really do there's a big ass lake right there i'm a coastal elite and by that i mean i go to northwestern god oh carly we are so excited to have you here and have you on the pod. Alf, what's new with you, I guess? What's new with me? What's new with me? It's not going to be as cool as what Carly said, but you can just get it out of the way.

You don't know that. It could be really cool. We don't. Well, what is it then? You see. Could be really cool. What is it? What's new?

I mean, genuinely, I was about to talk about the weather. You suck. It's pretty weather um but it is it's cold today and it is gray and i'm i'm feeling i'm feeling really really bummed about that um and i am gonna leave the house and go to a show at 10 p.m tonight and the idea of like either taking the bus or driving or just even having to be outside at 10 p.m. is really tough for me um so I guess just like if you guys wanted to like send some positive energy my way or Venmo even or just like so I can uber and I don't have to take the bus uh that'd be great Riley? Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to a friend's birthday dinner tonight. And it's a breakfast for dinner.

So it's kind of cheeky. It's kind of fun. We're having shakshuka, which I'm really excited about. I'm not going to lie. So good. But guys, we're not fucking here to talk about baked eggs. We're just not. We're here to talk about something even more, dare I say, life-changing?

Dare I say, revitalizing? Maybe stressful. Maybe a little stressful. We're talking Universal Studios Hollywood, not Orlando. We're talking Hollywood. We're talking the big fucking minion looking over the freeway. We're talking the long lines. We're talking the escalators that go down to this core of the earth. Carly, talk to me. You are the one who picked this incredible topic. Why? I'm so glad it was an option. I recently went to their Halloween weekend thing. I went there on Halloween for the first time. And let me tell you, it was, I was so excited. It was so built up. And then I got there and it was like going to war.

It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had in my entire life. I'm still traumatized. I can't even believe I paid money to be there. Um, it's so psychotic, but in a way that's like delusional in a good way. I don't know. I just, yeah.

Oh, my God. So what was like – so you went for like Halloween Horror Nights kind of thing. I know I've talked about this on the pod before, but I famously am a weenie. I'm a big old chicken. And I went there once and I'll never go again. And it was like I was on a date with a guy who left me in a maze. He ran away and it was awful. No, no, no. Oh, it was terrible. It was so fucking terrible. Have you been, so was it like, was it the mazes? Was it like, what was it about it? Was it the crowd? Was it, I bet it was packed on Halloween.

That's the thing. It was so packed. And I think that I was like, my favorite part was walking in between. And there are just like these people that are so good at acting that are scaring you and I always think I'm like, this would be a perfect place. They're so good, they're scary. They're so good.

They're doing the Florence Pugh monologue from Little Women. You're like, oh, it's so good. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in the, oh my God, what was that movie? That she was in where they're all in a circle

like screaming and crying. Oh, Midsommar, yeah. Midsommar, yes, thank you. But it was like such a wonderful place, but it was so packed that it was like, we had to wait three hours to get in one maze. And at that point, it was like the weekend maze. And I thought the weekend would be in there.

I'm not even really a big fan, but I just thought, sure, yeah, we'll wait in this line. And three hours later, we watched Shia LaBeouf and Mia Goth get in the Fastpass lane. It was so cursed. Oh, my God. That's the scariest thing that ever could have happened, honestly. That was. That was.

Seeing the back of Shia LaBeouf's head was the scariest part of the night. Wow. Wow. That is, I haven't been to universal in a while i used to live pretty close to there so my drive home would i would always i knew i was close to home and i would see the big if you've never been to la or haven't driven on the freeway that passes by universal there is i cannot stress how big it is a giant minion that is kind of like peeking over Universal. And it is very like omnipotent and like very just, there's something God-like about it.

And it lights up at night too. It's like the only light source on the hill. It's amazing. So whenever I pass it, I'm like, oh, she's almost home. And I haven't been there in a long time. But I do remember it's always crowded. No matter when you go,

I feel like, and I haven't even been to Disneyland in that long either, but I feel like it's even more, it feels more crowded than Disneyland, probably because it's very small. It's a pretty small theme park. But I remember, like, God, I loved the Simpsons ride. Everyone hated it. And I remember being weirdly annoyed that they got rid of it.

I don't care. I haven't been in years, but I'm like, that's fucked up. That's kind of fucked up, actually. They're playing someone's secret life of it. I don't care. I haven't been in years, but I'm like, that's fucked up. That's kind of fucked up, actually. They're playing some Secret Life of Pets, and I'm like, you're telling me you got more demand for Illumination's Secret Life of Pets than the show's been around since the dawn of time? Oh, that's so funny. We got the mummy rollercoaster. We got a lot of attractions, and I remember that they have characters walking around, but it's a lot of real people. It's less people in costumes.

And more like, want to take a picture with Marilyn Monroe? It's very strange. It's like Marilyn Monroe and Beetlejuice. What's going on? Alf, you ever been? I have. I have been one time when I was like, I want to say like 19. And I was in LA visiting a friend and we went,

and I just remember going to Harry Potter. Amazing. And being so excited to get, to get the butter beer. Like I was like, we got to get the butter beer. We got to get it. And waiting in line for fucking ever getting the butter beer.

And I don't know if it was a problem with the thing that day or what it was but it was like you know it's like a plastic like see-through plastic solo cup and it was so warm and flat and then they put like this cream on the top it's like a butterscotch whipped cream and it was the most unappetizing thing i like we but and like we should have me and my friend who were there we should have just split one but we each got our own and were they big they were like 16 and 16 ounces which is a lot of like butterscotch cream and i just have this memory of it being like it was la in july so it's like i'm covered in sunscreen.

It's like dripping into my eyes. I'm sweating and I'm just sipping like a warm, flat cream soda and waiting in line for three hours to go on a ride that was mostly animatronic dementors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't have a great time with that specific experience but I love theme parks in general I haven't been to a theme park since the pandemic and that bums me out

I want to see a big minion I want to go on the secret life of Pat's ride that's the thing, the rides are so good and the fast pass it seems so worth it because you can just zoom through but it's literally like it's literally like a thousand dollars in your first born child it's insane and it's like you're waiting three hours in line people are like pissing themselves it's like survivor it was so it's really so disturbing. I mean there's a The Halloween Horror Nights thing for me I'm just like They could double the ticket price Let half as many people in And it would still be full And it would actually be an enjoyable experience

Which is like it would suck Because it would be like outrageously expensive But also what's the point in having it be There at all if nobody is having A good time Exactly it's like we're all kidding ourselves like no one we're waiting in line for three hours and then what i don't know i do like a 10 minute thing yeah and it is good but that makes it worse because you're like oh there is a lot of fun

to be had in this place so i will stand for three hours yeah yeah and it's if you can just if you're in la you can just like drive a couple outside the city, and there will be a horror maze somewhere that you can do for like 20 bucks, and you'll sign a waiver where you're like, I don't think this would hold up in court. And it'll be fundamentally the same experience, but there won't be a line, and it'll be even scarier because it could be dangerous. Yes, and it's a local farm that like it's, you know, a local farm that needs to make the money, so they're really going for it. You're giving back. You are. I do want to go to Universal soon because, guys,

Super Nintendo World is opening, and that looks right up old Anne Spar's alley. That looks fun as hell. That looks incredible. What are you looking forward to most is it chris pratt's mario ride yeah ultimately it is no what is amazing though is that there's only one ride in the land which i guess makes sense and it is a mario kart ride and i your girl loves some mario

kart um but i've seen on tiktok people have posted it and it's like it was so slow but apparently it's like vr so like people in the comments are like, this is like fucking 50 CC. What the hell is this? And they're like, no, you gotta wear the headset because you're using the coins. And everyone's like, yeah, all right. But it really is like a little Disney dark ride.

Like that's how slow it goes. But I don't care. I'll go. I also, one thing that I do love at Universal that sets it apart is the studio tour. That shit was addicting. It's like you go on this big tram and you're going all around. You get to see like the psycho house.

You can see Bates motel and there's like jaws and you get to see, I remember like going, there's like, you get to see Whoville from Jim Carrey's the Grinch. And that shit was magical. Sign me up. Yeah, that sounds amazing.

Now I'm sold. That was the one. Fuck you guys they got who fuck off they also have all the cars from fast and furious which i don't give a shit about but i remember when i went like people were like rabid like taking photos of it like it was amazing whatever fuck this i'm gonna read a review you'm pissed because when I saw Whoville it was magical I was at the perfect age for it too and I was like

this is where it is also they've now added 15 when that movie came out no I was like 8 no way asshole they also have added Jupiter's Claim from Nope which I want to see doesn't fucking matter i'm gonna start us

off with the review for universal studios hollywood um here we go here we go okay this is three stars um from miss mb carly can you give us last names for miss mb miss mb Do you think those are her initials or? It's initials. So initials. You can get first and last name. Let's go Mary Bates. Miss Mary Bates. Miss Mary Bates.

Mary Bates. Three stars. She owns the hotel. The title is Line Cutters Cause Longer Waits. This is from December of last year. It's a great park. The back lot tram ride is a great hour long experience with at least an hour wait. Here's the problem. And I noticed it on the tram tour and the mummy coaster. Universal's not watching the lines. And I witnessed several people

cutting the line at the tram and the mummy rides as I was waiting in 90 minute lines. People were just jumping the chains when they thought no one was looking. I tried to say something to a group of teens, but they just breezed right by me. Universal should address this issue and show respect for people's money and time when they're at the park. The express tickets are really expensive. That's it. That reminds me of when I was at the airport in Chicago. I was at o'hare about like i know thank you thank you beautiful airport i was flying uh around christmas like a few days before christmas and the security line was outrageous it was literally like

going all the way down the terminal and a guy just and his like wife walked in front of me and i just heard him say i'm not waiting in that and he just like went like in front and i was like that's that's fucked up like but i was like i guess i don't i don't do anything about it like i guess i let it happen i guess i'm waiting in that i remember being such a little narc, like, stickler when I was in elementary school. And, like, we were in kindergarten, even. And they were like, okay, line up. We're going to go to lunch. And we'd all be lining up.

And there was, like, one little kid who just, like, he's like, fuck this. And he, like, went to the front of the line. And I have such a visceral memory of, like, raising my hand and, like, telling the teacher. I'm like, hey, there's a line cutter. He's a line cutter. Oh, my God. And the teacher was like, okay, there's a line cutter he's a line cutter and the teacher was like okay i guess aiden get back in line and he looked at me and i'm like you can't you can't be a line hog is what i said you're hogging the line you're hogging the line

an older woman like telling a group of kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, um, excuse me, excuse me. Um, you're a bunch of, you're, you're a bunch of line hogs is what you are. Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Um, I, well, I just thought everyone should know. Get the fast pass next time. Yeah, literally. You guys, do you have fast passes? It looks like you're just cutting in front of the regular line.

Yeah, we're little kids. That's what we do. We're also selling candy. Yeah, I got FastPasses right here. That doesn't mean anything. My Jordans, they're my feet. Just because you're selling... No, that's not... Excuse me. Will anyone, won't anyone listen? These are a bunch of line hogs. They're line cutters, and I won't stand for it.

It sounds like you need a Twix. I, like, yeah, i've been in this line for two and a half hours like of course i'm hungry but like 150 oh yep five dollars yep wait what did you say no i said five two shit next time we got to agree on prices no it was 500 and 550 500 no that's absolutely not i'm not paying like sure theme park, theme park food is expensive. But I'm just here alone. I just want to have a nice day and go on Transformers the ride. All right? I'm not paying $500.

Where are your parents? Home. Yeah, not with here. Not here. You're allowed to come to a theme park by yourself as a kid. Yeah, we can. You look about nine years old, ten years old. Well, we're 5' five so yeah we meet the

height requirements that's really the only thing they care about i never that's fine you can go on the ride i'm not saying that you don't meet the height requirements it's not an issue i'm saying all of us we've been in this line for hours and you guys just walk walk right on up walk right on up and i won't stand for that. Are you divorced? You seem divorced. That's really an appropriate thing to ask. You don't just ask someone

if they're divorced. You asked how old we were. That's basically the same thing. You guys are children. Well, our vibe is young and your vibe is divorced. Divorced, yeah.

This is crazy. Yeah. It was finalized last week, actually. That's why I'm taking myself out for a nice day. Congratulations. Don't be.

Don't be. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations on your divorce. No. You didn't want to. He left me. He was the one who divorced. He divorced me.

Listen, we'll give you a candy bar for $5 given the divorce. That's probably expensive, right? Are you paying him or is he paying you? What's the vibe financially of the divorce i don't think i need to talk to two stranger children about the vibe the financial vibe of my divorce we're gonna be in this line for another hour and a half we got time to get to know each other do you guys aren't gonna cut the line i mean if we get bored of you yeah so keep it interesting yeah come on tell us about it who i guess if it's worth you guys

not cutting the line then i'll tell you about the financial vibe of my divorce i'm rochelle by the way i just thought we should nice to meet you i'm timmy angela and timmy you said timmy and angela okay yep um well we slowly, like people are just all moving a step forward. Oh, thank God. I guess, yeah, it's just he said that there wasn't a reason. He just said that he

fell out of love with me and I said when did that happen? And he said over the course, you know, it's like it felt like the past four months and he got an inkling. He's like, oh, I'll wait a little bit to make sure it's real. And, uh, how long were you together?

It was, uh, we were together 12 years. And after four months, he called it. Well, you could say you understand my devastation. How many,

do you have any children? You don't seem to, you don't seem to know much about us. Yeah. You were really unsure, like how old we were. For me, nine years old is the same scene as 16. I don't understand height and age for kids.

I don't have any kids. Well, that's probably why he left. Right. He wanted kids and you didn't? You don't know? Because I didn't know enough about them? Yeah. Yeah, I think if you're in a longstanding marriage, you have to, like, know stuff about kids and people in general.

Yeah. I mean, he didn't even want kids either, but you think that was why he, you think that even though neither of us wanted kids, that because I didn't know enough about them, that's why he fell out of love with me? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, maybe it was, you know, maybe he felt like you weren't making an informed decision about not wanting kids because you didn't know enough about them. Even though when we were together, like, two years, we were like, we don't want kids. This is just, we're going to, like, really enjoy our life together, and that's not something in our future. And you didn't answer my alimony question from earlier. Yeah, we're waiting on that. Are you, is it a Jeff Bezos kind of situation is this like

do you guys know Dave is this like a setup because like you come in here you're asking me really specific questions and yes I have to pay him for not knowing enough about kids so it's like all of this you have been spot on and so I just have to wonder is this a big old joke at Rochelle's expense I mean I know

a couple Daves yeah we know a few last name yeah you gotta get specific simmons reach into my bag i take out a rolodex how old simmons simmons simmons simmons uh what's your deal no he died no i don't think i know yours i don't think I know yours. I don't think I know your day. I think I maybe had a soccer coach, Dave. Oh, that's right. Fitzpatrick Simmons. I don't care. Oh, kind of rude.

Oh, listen. You're not being respectful of the children right now. We're just trying to help you through your divorce. You're not trying to help me. You're prodding into my life. And then you're like, oh, buy a Twix for $500. That's not helping. We told you we'd give it to you for $500 because you're grieving and it's hard to watch.

And if you're not comfortable opening... We all move another step ahead. It's really moving fast now. If you're not comfortable opening up, it's like, are you ever gonna love again? Yeah. Probably not. Well, no, don't say that. You don't know. How could you two possibly know? have you guys

ever oh have you ever been in love oh have you been in love what i'm in a very successful relationship of three years yes absolutely half the people in this rolodex i've dated and how did that start and how did you get in and like did you guys are you sharing the same values how did your relationship start uh Six years old, kindergarten. Oh, so it's like a sweet, like, fake, like, oh, you're my boyfriend. Or you're my girlfriend. It's not fake. I'm in love.

And I don't appreciate the disrespect. Yeah, who had the fake marriage? Okay, who got divorced? Oh, God. Right? I'm honestly sick of you. Me too. I was going to offer for you to ride with us because it's a three-person ride. But at point hey hey whoa whoa whoa are we seeing a little there's a kind of a scuffle going on everything okay uh no actually thank you about time someone showed

up and everything's not okay these two kids are have been heckling me and they were also line hogs ah a couple of line hogs huh i know you're your kind. I know your kind. Yeah, can I just say something, officer? Or whatever you are supposed to be? I'm not an... You know what? Thanks for calling me that. A lot of people have not been giving me the respect I deserve. Right.

Working security at this park. Well, sir, I just want to say, you could ask, why are these children running around, like, cutting lines, selling candy? You're selling candy, too? Maybe. I didn't know that part. Well, I was actually actually gonna offer you a kit kat because you seem like a sweet guy nice officer you're probably working for a long time

it's probably a really long shift and you know i bet you miss being a kid like us you know yeah carefree i do think about that a lot you know be it adulting is kind of hard. Well, and the real question is not what are we doing here, but what's a divorced, single, childless woman in her 40s doing here? Don't you think? Ew. That's a little bit creepy of her. That's disgusting.

Yeah, have you met Rochelle, was it? I don't even want to look at Rochelle. I don't want to talk to Rochelle. I don't want to know anything about Rochelle. Well, are you kidding me? These two little fuckers. I'm running across everyone in line like turns and it's just like. Oh my God.

You made Angela cry. She's literally sobbing. Oh my God. I'm literally lying. I meant to say scoundrels. I meant to say rascals. She has to go there. I really didn't mean to say that.

Yeah, no, she has. You're coming with me. You're coming with me Oh what you're gonna take me to the equivalent of like Disney jail Yeah I got you I'm in the top of the minion eye Overlooking the freeway How long are you in for

Oh my god I've been in here since it was Homer You know and then they repainted it to look like this little shit What are you in for Oh another person I've been in here since it was Homer, you know, and then they repainted it to look like this little shit. What are you in for? Oh, another person. Shit. Do you guys ever leave?

Is this like real jail? I think we're allowed to. We don't. But I think you are allowed to leave. I am the head of security in the Minion Eye and there's no talking amongst guests. Prisoners. Sorry. Sorry, mom. I know. the minion eye and there's no talking amongst guests uh prisoners sorry sorry mom i know i can't believe you got yourself here how many hours do i need to stay in here uh you called let's see

two children fuckers and tried to get them kicked out i meant to say like rascals and i couldn't find the way it doesn't matter you didn't say that. So I would say we'll probably give you 18 hours. 18 hours? 18 hours. We'll provide some water for you. I'm defrosting a chicken at home. I don't have time to spend 18 hours. I wouldn't fight it. That's generous. That's really

generous. It's really generous. My son is my son and he's been in here for two years already. Two years. What, did you, like, kill a character here? Like, why are you here for two years? Yeah, he killed the Draco Malfoy impersonator.

He was bullying somebody. No, he wasn't. He was doing his job. He said, nice hand-me-downs, Weasley. That's not bullying the book and movie so it's still rude well you did need some new clothes and you should have taken uh you know i son i i got this job so i could be around you but you're gonna be here for a long time you're right you're right i'm sorry i killed a guy you say that every day and yet i find your

journal every night, and you have some disturbing drawings. I don't think he means it. I've just been in here for a couple minutes, but hey, I don't think he means it. His journal literally says Harry Potter is next, so. He did nothing. He stood by. He was a bystander.

That's just as bad. I will stay the 18 hours. I will stay on the other side of the eye of the head. And then I'm going to go. And I don't want to talk to either of you or be here any longer than I need to be. No problem, Rochelle. Thank you. And you will get a free meal voucher that you can get on your way out.

Thanks. I got a Kit Kat from the kids because they felt bad about my imprisonment if you guys want any. No outside food allowed. I'm going to have to take that. Yeah, that's fine. We're all in there for the next ten years. We make a family. No one wants to leave.

It's nice in here. Maybe this is where we're meant to be oh shit let's take a break what a beautiful break what a beautiful break I love that ad I'm gonna buy that we all completed so many things you're gonna buy that I love that ad. I'm going to buy that. We all completed so many things.

You're going to buy that? Whatever that ad is for, I'm going to buy it. What if it was the BetterHelp ad? You're going to buy it? I'm already in therapy. I don't know if I'm allowed. No, I meant like you're going to buy a therapist. Oh, is that an option?

So I can stop paying out the ass every week? Alf, do you want to kick us off for our next review? I do this one is from EG does someone want to give me some names for EG Igor I'll say for the first name. That's good

and Grimes Igor Grimes oh my god it sounds like Elon's child Grimes Igor Grimes okay oh my god it sounds like Elon's child Igor XXV12.5 Grimes one star

oof where the fuck is Harry Potter I was ripped off. See you in court. And that's the end of it. They went to Disneyland. Where the fuck? Where the fuck is Harry Potter?

Oh, son, please. Come on. Keep your voice down. We're at Disney. Harry's at the other park. Right, honey? Tell him. Harry's not at this park. No, Harry's not at this park. I'm Hermione Granger.

And Harry is on Broadway. So he'll be back again, but is there another character that you know would you like to meet as a mentor

why would I want dementors are so scary he loves dementors aren't they but they're like fun scary yeah let's bring a dementor

let's see a dementor then I guess yeah they'll give you a tickle they'll give you a tickle if you can sense you know they're a little

they're a little fun here oh Jeremy loves a tickle I guess I do like his sweet 16 tickle I guess I do like a tickle could you tickle. I guess I do like it. Could you let them know? I whisper to her, could you let them,

this is his sweet 16 and none of his friends wanted to come to the park with us so I'm, his mom, so we start, I think that's why he's in a little bit

of a bad mood because no one RSVP'd yes to the park. I totally understand. That's a really tough place to be. It really is. It's very devastating.

We even did like the whole TikTok thing of like do your thing, like help get a friend. And no one responded. No one responded. I mean, the Dementors could do a TikTok dance with him if you'd like. He would love that.

I think he would really, really love that. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Jeremy, I think we have some special friends who are going to come and give you a little birthday surprise. Right, big boy? Okay. Ooh, scary. Aren't they so scary?

Is that one doing... Happy birthday. Thank you. They know it's your birthday. That's crazy. Why are you doing the renegade dance? That's like three years old. That's really weird.

I've been in this castle since it opened, Three years old. That's really weird. I've been in this castle since it opened, so I don't really know much else. Oh, cool. No, that's cool. I like that one anyway. Don't be ungrateful. You love a TikTok to do it. I do. Like, renegade.

Renegade. I don't even remember it almost. Yeah. No, that's really cool. Thank you. Thank you guys for the birthday. If I can be honest, none of my friends wanted to come today, so it's actually really nice to have somebody just being, you know,

just hanging out and doing the renegade with me. It's really sweet. Of course. Dementors don't get birthdays, so they're lucky to have one. What do you mean you don't get birthdays? Surely you have a birthday. You came to be one day. You were born on a day, right?

No, no, no. I am a method actor, so I don't even remember my own name. Oh. That's really method. They're acting, Jeremy. They're actors.

They probably went to Ithaca or something. Like they're, they're acting. Seriously, this is a really dangerous place to work. Wait, are you okay? Do you want? No. Do we need to call someone? No. Okay. That was definitive. I can't tell if this is like, I'm a dementor. I'm not okay. Or if this is like, no, I think they're really not okay. Take me with you. I just need to be dropped off outside of Burbank. Just take me to Glendale. Okay. Is there anyone else we should bring with us?

Like, we could do a whole recon kind of thing? I mean, Neville, I don't know. Let's go. We can just... Let's go. Mom, we gotta get them out. We'll just pretend you're, like, a goth friend of mine, and it's, like, totally cool.

And no one will... I mean, are you sure this is what you... Like, I understand, Mr. Dementor. I understand that it's, like, we need to help one, I mean, are you sure this is what you were like? I understand Mr. Dementor. I understand that it's like, we need to help you, but like,

also this is my son's special day and so much money can make sure that this is like, this isn't kind of like putting a downer on the day. You're in really horrible working conditions. We need to get you out. Yes. Mom. Yeah.

My birthday isn't about me. Okay. It's about giving back. And that's always what i've wanted is to do charity on my birthday and you insist on bringing me to theme parks and doing all this like expensive stuff when i just beg you i say mom let me you know bottle feed a pigeon let me like go and give back you say that every year and like you don't let me do charity and stuff so like this feels like a way that i can help somebody who really looks like they need it you look like scary bad like really bad no but even today even under please yeah okay let's get you in the car or something mom okay

yeah no okay okay um mom you run interference and i'll interference, and I'll run with the director. Run interference? I don't know, distract the employees. Okay. Hey, Hermione, Miss Granger. Oh, Miss Granger. That's right. Oh, yes.

We are heading out. I think he's feeling a little bit of heat. Just heat's going overheated. Oh, why so soon? Can we get you a free birthday treat or something exciting? Oh, that's so nice. You know what? We actually have a Carvel cake at home that we're very excited about. And so we just wanted

to say thank you so much for making our day so special. His day. His day. His day. So special. And we look forward to coming back again. You've been so helpful. Expelliarmus, why don't we have a little spell off for your special day? Oh! Oh! Um... She's shaking. No, I'm okay. Oh, oh, um, shaking his head.

No, I'm okay. No, I'm okay with that. Oh, come on. The Dementor's like kind of hiding behind him, but really poorly. I'm scared. I think she knows. I think she knows. Where are you going, Dementor 5?

Oh, no, this is, this is actually a friend of mine. This is, sorry. He dressed up for the, for the, for the day. He dressed up actually a friend of mine. This is, sorry, he dressed up for the day. He dressed up as a Dementor. It's a really good costume. It looks just like the ones you guys use. Professional grade. Professional.

It's amazing. Right. Oh, wow. So we're just going to go. We're just going to go home and eat the ice cream cake. Okay, you have an amazing day, and happy birthday from all of us at Harry Potter World. Thank you.

Let me walk you guys out let me walk no you know what actually our car is pretty far um and so we don't want you messing up your costume because you look so nice I would love to come to the car and actually leave with you I would really I'd like um I I'd like to leave this place Hermione actually like what the that's the Dementor Five said too. And so that's actually like he's not a weird friend. He's actually like

he works here. I know. I know. I know. This place is really our manager is really, really bad. Can I ask like what is it like

what's going on here? Like it seems like the working conditions are criminal even. They keep us at the very top peak of the Harry Potter castle and they only let us act in character and we're only allowed to drink butterbeer every day.

We don't get food. God, it's so nasty. They want us to have thin Hollywood bodies. It's such a mess. I miss my family. I don't remember my family. I'm so sorry. You know, I always thought that was a myth.

I feel like I heard folk lore about people being imprisoned at the top of the minion eye but I didn't know that this was like a real thing it's the minion eye it's inside of the escalators that's where they keep Harry and it's the peak of the castle they keep Harry in the escalators so when you said that he was on Broadway

he that's a cover he's really trapped can we let him out we gotta go get him. Harry is a dangerous person. He's complicit. He's complicit. Oh, my God.

It goes to the very top. It goes to the top. Well, please, please come with us. I already asked the Dementor, but like, is there anyone else we should know about? Because he said no. So he was ready to leave without you. Is there anyone else we should grab on our way out there are others um but i'm not sure maybe um alan he works in the coffee shop at the front we could grab him on the way out quickly but other than that oh um

is he a character or he's just yeah we're kind of only grabbing characters he's not like alan rickman he's not like sna. He's just a guy named Alan. No, Alan Rickman has passed, rest in peace. Right, that's what I thought. Rest in peace. It's just Alan. Hey, guys. Alan here.

I heard that you were doing a recon mission. Oh. We don't have any more room in the car. Right, honey? We don't have any more room in the car. It's just kind of one of those four- seaters, no middle seat. My ice cream cake is really big. And it's probably melting, so we

should get going. We should go. You're not gonna bring me? No. No. What could we do to get Alan to come? Is there any really good at latte art. Do you do any characters?

Do you have any original characters you do? Or not original, like from Harry Potter. Or like an impression? Oh, yeah, I can do a really good Draco Malfoy. I'll do that. And then maybe you'll let me in the car? Draco, okay. Well, I guess.

It's a weird character to pick. Spongebob would be a more natural choice, but... Nice hand-me-downs, Potter. Fuck. Nice hand-me-downs, Potter. Grange, Weasley, fuck me. No, wait. Alan, Alan, Alan.

You are really close to McGonagall. No, that was bad. That was like you were skirting the light. Like, just make it a little bit more. Security guards running down. Hey, hey. I'm sorry, Alan. I'm sorry, Alan.

We got to go, Alan. I'm so sorry. Have a good day. Hey, what's going on here? Why are you taking Hermione in the Dementor? I was just singing me. We were singing this young boy. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to me. To you. To you. To me. Huh. That's pretty good. I like that. Do it again.

Happy birthday to you. That's nice. To you. I don't know how to sing in a British accent. I'm from Iowa. To me. To you. I don't know how to sing in a British accent. I'm from Iowa. No, that was amazing. No, you're doing really well. Thank you.

Can we go now, sir? Can we leave? No. No, we have to take them back to the tower. You can go because you're guests at the park. But no, we really need them to come with us. These are my kids. Yeah, this is my mother. These are my kids. Yeah, this is my mother.

These are my siblings. I'm really happy that we're all together again. So I grab all their hands and we're leaving. And I look like the Dementor and we're going home.

We're going home. We're going home. Thank you, Mama. Thank you. Wow, what a... Sorry. I just really love family, so that was really nice to see. Yeah, so do I. And this is mine.

Thank you. And you can keep Alan. Oh, we're for sure keeping Alan. There's no way Alan's ever leaving the princess ever again and now bye Alan bye bye buddy

it's like a whole montage of like family photos and Hermione and the Dementor stay in costume for the rest of their lives them at the beach Dementor stay in costume for the rest of their lives. It's like them at the beach. Dementor getting married. A big happy family. It's a beautiful ceremony.

Wow. So much. A lot of family themes today. I love it. Wow. I love it. All right. We got time for

do we have time for one more? that crazy uh i do if you guys do let's do it let's get crazy let's get crazy this is from randy g can we get a last name for randy g also randy with an i if that changes anything oh that Actually, everything. Okay. Randy Grew. Randy Grew. Two stars. The title is For Tourists. The studio tour felt very fake. One did not get the...

Sorry, I just realized that they're talking, and like, one did not. That's very funny. Okay, the studio tour felt very fake. One did not get the feeling that any real production goes on slash went on where we toured. Warner Bros felt real. I've never seen a review and doing almost 200 episodes of the show.

I've never seen like one would not expect this kind of experience from Universal Studios. Yeah, this guy sounds like he was let go of a writing job at Universal for a stupid movie or something. Yeah. That's amazing. And also, I have to imagine that they're talking about the lot, when they're driving by all the lots, rather than they're going through the water and like the fake jaws and it's like one did not get the experience that that was the real great white shark on the Universal Studios

lot Hey Daryl welcome back how was your vacation did you have a good time out there in California oh yeah you know gotta tell you, Universal sucks. Oh.

I'm sorry. I mean, it's been about a decade since I got out there, you know, kids and all, but I remember liking it. It's gone downhill, huh? It's gone terribly downhill. They had just a man in a swimsuit playing the shark. It was disturbing, and I had my kids,

and he was just in a Speedo, and I don't even, I don't, I can't believe I spent all that money. What a bust. When you say he was in a Speedo playing the shark, like, in the water, just, like, clapping his arms together like they were Jaws kind of situation?

No, he was on a floatie, and they said, they said, this is the shark, and I said said this is not what I paid for. Oh, my God. I really remember loving the Bates Motel part. They still do that on the tour? And you can see the two of them on the front porch and the bodies and stuff? Well, yeah.

The front porch is there. The bodies are there, and they're real um actual human skeletons now real real real oh that's uh from dead actors that were donated to universal they have them sitting like in their will they were like i donate my body not to science but to art i guess to universal studios universal specifically wow yeah that that sounds really upsetting were your kids okay after seeing human real human dead people on a tour no no they both haven't spoken since the trip so it's gonna be a lot of therapy knock at the door it's one of your kids just kind of staying there quietly. Hey, Amanda.

What's up? I'm sorry I interrupted you at work. I asked mom to drop me off here because I've been thinking a lot. Hi, Mr. Wilson. I'm sorry that I'm interrupting my dad at work. No worries. I'm sure you've heard about our trip to Universal Studios Hollywood. Yeah, you didn't have a good time?

It was kind of a life-changing experience in many ways, Mr. Wilson. And I know, Dad, I'm sorry that I've been quiet for the better part of a week but I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think that if I were to die unexpectedly as my dad I just want you to know that I want to donate my body not to science but to the Bates Motel attraction at Hollywood Studios sorry I'm nervous Universal Studios Hollywood okay uh honey well you're four and that you shouldn't be thinking about your death you're you you might you might not ever die so I might not ever die that's correct whoa that kind of gives me a lot to think about but it's hard not to think about death when you took us to a

place where there were human remains scattered around the premises and that makes a lot of sense and i will regret it for the rest of my life i'm sorry amanda that sounds really scary it actually wasn't scary it was pretty inspiring to see how like from dust we are created into dust we shall return and in that way but except not all of us return to dust some of us return to the patio of the bates motel uh build at universal studios hollywood i actually i think i don't think it's ever too early to start death planning i think you know it's important like we as a culture we're pretty afraid of it and i couldn't agree okay wilson all right no i'm just saying amanda

have you considered a living well i have and that's actually what i brought here today it's like on really wide like the kind of paper that is like you learn spelling on like crayon um i wanted to if one of you to act as kind of like a notary to make sure that this i'm a not. I'm licensed as a notary. Wilson, honey, you don't know how to read or write yet. So you just started reciting. I think this is a little early maybe. My brother helped me with this.

He said that I would dictate and he could write it down, kind of acting as my attorney. I think this is really thorough. In the eventuality that you're ever on life support, do you have any wishes about how treatments, a DNR or anything like that? Dad, if it's not looking good for me, I want you to just pull the plug. So that you can go straight to the baits. That makes sense. No, honestly.

Whatever expedites my journey to the baits is what I think. the yeah there's a lot of shame in our culture around that and i just think that's you know it doesn't it's not giving up it's not giving in it's just making a different choice and i think that's really beautiful dad are you mad at me i'm not mad at you honey but wilson if you don't stop you'll be on life support soon so let's uh reel it in all right and in which case i also have a dnr um and so that's what would happen with me and my wife knows that and my kids know that and i and i think that you're perpetuating a really toxic culture right now it's like it's never too early to talk to your kids about that i was thinking that too and not so many words but i think you are perpetuating a toxic culture yeah amanda that's right right well know, death is one of the greatest

mysteries of our life and I'd like to shield you from that as long as you possibly can so you can enjoy your childhood. Are mysteries apparently bad? Is everything, is the unknown always bad or can't we experience

some beauty in the unknown and the mystery of what happens when the lights go out? You know, you are quite wise and quite creepy for your age, but, you know, I admire how much you think and uh learned it from you and i love you i'm just wondering do you have a plan like for what

amanda should do or or anybody should do you know if that happens like i said wilson amanda is never dying no for you for you if you are on life support or you die, what are your wishes? Have you written them down? Have they been notarized? You're never going to die? No, no, no, no. I'm never. I will. Yeah. No, I'm going to die.

And it could be any day and that's okay. And honestly, these days death isn't looking too bad because I am losing it. Well, I hate to hear that. Why are you going to die any day, but I'm never going to die? I was, you know, Amanda, there could be certain technological or scientific advancements by the time you grow up that could allow you to, I don't know, let your body, you know, like Walt Disney did, kind of freeze it. And then you could upload your brain to the cloud there's going to be a lot of beautiful options for you to continue to live on and I will be fine no matter what but you will live on forever and I am excited for that for you

yeah and you can you can update your will at any time Amanda that's kind of the beautiful thing you can say Bates Motel for now and you can make a plan to revisit with your lawyer in five, ten years and say, actually, my thoughts and feelings have changed. This is my preferred method of burial now. I would like to be uploaded to the cloud. I'd like to be, you know, Alexa or whatever. And like that's beautiful. All right, well said. I'm about to throw you down a flight of stairs.

Well, gentlemen, you've given me a lot to think about today. And for that, I thank you. I'm going to go reconvene with my attorney. And Father, you will be seeing an updated Last Will and Testament from me soon. Yeah, and just take one of these. I hand you a business card. If you ever need a notary for anything or your brother. No, I will certainly be using this.

You'll be getting a call from me expeditiously. Very reasonable rates. Bye, Dad. I'll see you at home all right goodbye amanda wilson you're fired well luckily i have a thriving notary business so i will be just fine it's you just run like a children's notary like a bunch of kids lined out the door to get you to notarize their wills. I'm like touring kindergartens.

I'm just going, hey, excuse me, sir, have you thought about, have you made a death plan? Have you made a death plan, sir? Is that something you're thinking about actively? You know, a binder can be really helpful. You mark it out, you have phone numbers to call, hospitals to get in touch with. You don't want to leave your family holding the bag, okay?

Yeah, that's all we can do. And all these kids are like, wow, I never thought about that. That's really important. I can't believe I've been neglecting this for so long. Should we do our last segment? Let's do it. Dance! Oh, wee!

Come on! Harley, what has been shaking your rump? What is something you haven't been able to stop thinking about for better or for worse for richard for four we're all getting married um okay so this happened i guess like a week ago um almost i was doing a show here in new york and i grew up outside of philly so like a lot of people I grew up with are kind of no live in the area. And I go up to do my set and sitting front row is this girl I haven't seen in 10 years who, and the reason I blocked her on everything,

because when we were seniors in high school, she lied about having cancer and told us that she was gonna die within a few months she made us feel a fake lump in her breast like it was a whole thing it was like on our senior week like it was so unhinged and so i i blocked her on everything and she was sitting front row at my show not blinking still as strange as ever and I literally she came up to me after and I had like a whole monologue in my head and I was like hey how are you it's amazing to see you been too long girly pop I know I'm like you look great you look'm like, you look great. You look. Considering the cancer, you look like you really bounced back.

That is wild. I am aghast. It's a real life search party. That is fucking crazy. That is so bizarre. Did she laugh? Was she like having a good time at the show? I, you know, I will say I kind of just blacked out.

Right, right. I couldn't. Her presence was, like, burning into me. I just never thought I'd ever see her again. Wow. Yeah, and we found out she was lying because one of my friends showed up. Yeah, I was just going to ask. My friend showed up with flowers for her during her chemo,

and her mom was like, what are you talking about? No! That is... Oh, my God! chemo and her mom was like what are you talking about no did that is i can't imagine being a parent like imagine being her mom and like have one of your kids friends gonna be like this is for carly um she's been such a brave soldier right now what the fuck we're all with the chemo and all thinking about her we're all praying for her what the fuck so that has been i yeah that has been shaking me to my core yeah that is i think i don't think any what shook me will ever or has ever topped that that's kind of the fucking craziest thing that's shaking me now i'm gonna be thinking about this about that story all week. That is unbelievable.

Wow. Oh, my God. Did you guys ever confront her? Like, at the time? Were you like, hey, why are you lying about having terminal cancer? Yeah, I'm pretty sure we did. And she was like, but I do. And we were like. Oh, the double down.

Don't. Yeah, it was very much a double down. To double down. Wow. So, yeah, but I, like, had her double down um so yeah but i i like had her blocked and so i was like how'd you hear about the show she was like i i saw i guess the venue it was that she follows them and she was like i saw your name i had to come see you and i'm like did you forget to be fair i was so nice to her i'm like i'm this real psycho here you know i

thought you were gonna say but to be fair i fucking killed so it's like of course she wants to come see it so i don't blame her like who could stay away who could stay away come on that is psychotic i love it well elf uh top that what's your shake mine feels really silly now. Yeah, same. I don't want that now. Yesterday, right before we recorded an episode, I sat down in my armchair that I'm currently sitting in. You can see it. It's a brown pleather armchair I bought from a thrift store about a decade ago.

I've loved this chair for so long, and I sat down in it, and one of the legs snapped. Oh, no. No. I loved this chair for so long and I sat down in it and one of the legs snapped. So it's like currently propped up. You know what I mean? It's like, so I can show you guys on the, on the zoom. I just have an arm chair leg.

You have to take a photo of that for the gram for the show that's a great point so yeah that looks like a weapon it literally it's like comically like old-timey too it's like professor plum in the drawing room with the strange leg anyway so that's that's what's been shaking me because i'm like now I have to get a new chair. But this chair, genuinely, it's moved states with me twice. It's moved apartments like a dozen fucking times. Like, I love this chair. And now.

I can tell it's a great chair. It's so comfortable. And it's like, it's, it's, but the, you can't see right now, but like, there's some splits in theather. And it's like, it's not, it's seen better days. So maybe it's time. Maybe this was just like, you know, the push that I needed, you know. It was its last gasp. Yeah. It's tragic.

Yeah. So that's been shaking me. What about you, Riley? What's been shaking you? Oh, God. Daniel and I had a discourse this morning because I did a commercial audition, a self-tape this morning. And I just, I am so grateful for every commercial opportunity I get. And I never feel more humbled than when the requirement is just like facial expressions or like totally no dialogue kind of thing.

Where it's like, like give us give us like scared and then you're excited and then you're interested and then you're like resolved like those kind of things and i can just it's very humbling and i never take myself seriously and it's just like it's even worse to do it with someone else in the room because it's like it's a lot of breath it's a lot of like oh and it's like it's so mortifying and then to like then they feel so stupid like going through the takes and i'm like what was most convincing like what's the best surprise and relieved like it's so it's those moments i'm like what the fuck are we doing what the fuck are we doing what's the point of anything um but yeah so very very and also because i what's even

worse i desperately want to get it so it's like it's like it's me doing all that to them be like how super was that god i really hope i booked that one it's like the word that you used there was humbling but i think it's humiliating. I think it's more than five. Humbling is such a positive spin to put on it. I guess I haven't thought about it like that. So yeah, I love it. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm very grateful. And it's harrowing. I you're i think you make a great surprise face you know who cares thank you so much the expressions are amazing guys you don't have to say that there's um elizabeth valenti my old roommate front of the pod she she works in casting and she was the worst person to help me do self-tapes like that because she couldn't we couldn't fucking look at each other like actually like okay and we're rolling and i there was one where i had to like walk into frame so i was like behind i came up from behind a door and immediately was like oh and she like every time she just would break down so she finally she's like okay i'm

gonna start record and then i'll turn around which is even worse because then i just come into the room and just the ring girl is sitting in the corner just staring at the wall commercial auditions are shaking me commercial auditions are fucking crazy man they're so silly i hope you book it it. I hope you, I really do. I really, I really think you will. Listen, thank you so much.

What's also great about commercials, they feel like the lottery every time, because it is like the lottery, because literally anyone could do it. You could pull someone off the street, anyone could do any commercial. It's amazing. And then you book it,

and then you make so much money. It's insane. It literally is winning the lottery, because it's all subjective. Like, none of it matters and then or i guess objective i forget which one is the one i'm talking about but um none of it matters it none of it matters so then anyone could do it and then you literally win the jackpot when you do it it's insane you for like a day's work of just kind of like tapping away at a computer

it's it's incredible i love it i mean yeah no commercial scene i'm like i need to get into commercials because it does seem like i'm like my friends that do commercials and they make so much money they're like yeah chilling for the rest of the year you know yes horizon did me well i'm like this is amazing it's crazy you work like one two days maybe and then you're set for like a year there's a it's like you get a five second shot of you opening like a doll cup with like peaches in it and going, yes.

And it's like, oh, I guess I don't have to work anymore. That's really cool. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Catch up on my shows. My programs. Oh, Carly,

what a treat. Thank you so much for joining us and goofing around. Oh, I had so much fun. Thank you guys so much for having me. I had such a blast. Where can people find you? I guess I'm mostly on Instagram, unfortunately.

I, Carly Kane, on Instagram. I post my shows and stuff there. So that's probably the best place to find me. Beautiful, beautiful. As always, you can find Alfred Bartle Evans on Instagram at AlfredInIt. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. Reddit, r slash ReviewReview. And, guys, the ReviewReview Discord's kind of slept on.

We party in there all the time. So if you want to find our Discord, we're having a time in there. So Discord, Headcum Discord Review Review. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com. Just the web app, not the phone app. At Riley Anspa

and on Twitter.com for as long as it lasts at Riley Coyote. And also again, just a plea, please send in some theme songs that have my name in them. Because I love- I hope everyone sends in songs

that just reference me and not alfred the true nightmare scenario would be people still writing songs about jaff like not even backlogged ones no like new songs that are just about jaff um and yeah and as we say every week on the show every every single week this is what we say this is the slogan we say every week every week harry harry where the fuck is harry harry where the fuck is harry potter where the fuck is harry potter we'll see you next time bye that was a hit gum original