Review Revue - Wetherspoons (w/ Max & Ivan!)

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Fellow Headgum podcasters Max & Ivan (Sound Deals) join Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about British pub chain Wetherspoons and to discuss out-of-place Frenchmen, floorboard dwellers, and "Rugby style"!Follow Max, Ivan, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: @reillyanspaugh & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @maxandivan, @reilecoyote, & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get the Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. That theme song was so threatening.

That was like the song from Insidious. That song is chasing me somehow. That song is chasing me somehow. I don't want to have sex after that. That came in from Nico. Shout out, Nico. He wanted to plug his Spotify and Apple Music, which is Nico underscore Rush,

and his Instagram at rush.icon. He has an album called Wait coming out on August 8th. Oh, Nico, is it just this song 12 times? We'd have to wait for an email response to get an answer to that, obviously. No, Nico, you know, y'all, I love all these theme song submissions. And if that one gives me night terrors, then it gives me night terrors. I'm open to any experience and I'm humbled and I'm honored.

Are you? You're smiling, which is very humble. But enough about Nico, right? Because he had his time. And now we have two guests that I couldn't be more excited about. We're talking to Max and Yvonne from Sound Deals. Hello. Hi, guys.

Headcum's newest podcast, Acquisition, right? You guys have been doing it for years. Absolutely. Acquisition is right. There was a vast merger in the podcast space. There was a bidding war. There was a huge bidding war a Dutch auction

and Headcum lost yes Headcum unfortunately lost yes it was a bidding war to see who would get stuck with you guys you might have read

the deadline article perplexed executives fight to not have sound deals on their roster this is Succession season 3 this is it

holy shit it was because we're English it was due to a time difference thing Jake and Amir were asleep they woke up they discovered that Sound Deals

was irrevocably welded contractually inbox flooded yeah they're furious they are understandably and rightly furious

about the whole thing yeah but there really is nothing that can be done we are indeed part of yeah we have brought Sound Deals to HeadGum by hook or by crook and we're delighted to be here

delighted to be part of the extended family it's a wonderful place of course 100 now you're fitting in already i heard you guys as if i were you episode and it was very funny i was laughing out loud for the time oh thank you for tuning into that you guys american accents or i don't know which one of you did it or both of you you did it, but it was pretty good. Oh, thanks, bro. I think it was, I think maybe both of us gave it a shot. I think we tried. Yeah, we both gave it a go, you know. No! That's not fair!

You can't do that. You already have the better accent. That's so fucked up, you guys. That's so fucked up, you chavs. Chavs as well. Absolutely. Shout out to 2006. no bruv no bruv we still do bruv lovely stuff it's a great it's a joy to i haven't heard chav for a while actually what an absolute pub of a time is that having an absolute have you guys how far do you guys live from

groves in the square genuinely we can basically see groves in the square from our window where we work in an almost comically dickensian part of london which is mainly uh appropriated by like uh private bankers and hedge fund financiers and people who are so rich that they open up small like art galleries via which to launder their money. And embassies. We're in Embassy Town. Sure. We are. We're kind of converting it into double act comedy town. Reflying the double act flag. Yes, indeed.

Yeah. You guys do look like you're in some kind of elementary school classroom. With a whiteboard. Yeah. Almost like a calendar behind you. Absolutely. Yeah, we do indeed. Yeah, that's

evan's hand-drawn calendar that's that oh yeah every time we think of a joke it goes on the grid beautiful beautiful it's quite empty it's quite an empty grid a little little visual bag to the podcast listeners there think think i think i've mastered this medium of course well that's that's some some of our favorite. We do a lot of physical comedy as well on this show, which translates really, really well. But enough about our show. Let's talk about Sound Deals for a minute. Because Sound Deals, I was listening to it this morning

while I made my coffee. And it is so fun. It is so silly. You guys, congratulations on being the world's first um podcast shopping network happily thank you thank you for listening to it the system works can you guys talk a little bit more about your about your show we're going to be guests on every one of our listeners podcasts oh if that's what it's the system right if you think we're above that we we will do it we will

we will put in the hours i mean luckily there everyone does have a podcast yes at this point in the world um it is yes sound deals for the as yet uninitiated for those whose podcasts we are yet to guest on um it is the world's first podcast shopping network uh from the uh undisclosed location of the sound deals warehouse ivan and i enthusiastically sell uh an enormous number of products which have never been before sold because they are a load of uh made-up bullshit that doesn't exist uh yeah that's right our producer um i i guess he smokes a lot of weed and then comes up with a list of uh we don We don't know his process, but I respect his process. But yeah, we get a product name thrown at us. And then we have to sell it.

I guess we have to explain it there and then and sell it to you guys. And not only do we, but we've got a bunch of lovely guests. So each episode has a different flavor with a different guest. It's real silly. And give it a listen. It's so much fun. And a bunch of made-up bullshit that doesn't exist is also my favorite way to describe improv and our show as well.

So that works out perfectly. If you guys like Review Review, you will unequivocally like Sound Deals is the thing. Yes, 100%. It's almost too close for comfort, Max. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's almost a little too close. The format of our show or the description of a load of

Made up bullshit that doesn't exist Both Fair play Absolutely fair play Speaking of Anything goes at these places Our topic for today Oh my god what a segway

Weather spoons Absolutely weather spoons. We do have, I think, a sizable enough audience in the UK that I hope that this episode topic is a lot of fun for them. For those of you who don't know what spoons, weather spoons is, it is a chain of pubs in the UK. And I, God, would you guys like to describe it? I've been to a couple. Absolutely. And they are pretty special.

Yeah, for sure. I mean, obviously, all of the UK-based HeadGum listeners will be on board already. So we wanted to bring, you know, a British flavor to the show so that we could review and explore something innately British. And I think Wetherspoons is one of the most quintessential British experiences in the world. For those in the US, it is a mass chain of pubs run by an incredibly unstable man with a ruddy complexion and sort of dead, confused eyes

who sees his primary occupation now not as a publican but as the publisher of an increasingly unhinged newspaper which he distributes amongst his pubs advocating the joys of leaving the European Union which he strongly advocated for. I had no idea. It's alt-right Dave and Busters without any games.

He's got some real leanings. You might find a Spoons or a Weatherspoon or to give it its full title, JD Weatherspoon. Oh, hello Mr. Wikipedia. Very true. Which nobody really knows it as.

You might find them in a train station yep um just on your high street they will have taken over potentially what used to be a nice looking pub and they will have uh they will have assimilated it into a spoon although no two spoons look alike they're all that is very true they all have a different vibe uh They all, that's part of the thing. And you go there as a student because the booze is crazy cheap. It is ridiculously cheap. That's the dream. It's part of the great British, you know,

one of the things which Britain excels at is competitive binge drinking. And, you know, America just, you guys just don't do it quite the same. I'll say it. It also does a great range of bland microwaved food. Yes, if you enjoy the sweet ping of the microwave and the temporary heat of the microwave, then you will love the food that is slodged out onto plates indifferently by the harried, put- poverty wage paid staff of weatherspoons what's wild is that so many of the reviews i've found are people being like the food here's amazing like five stars these are the best pies you're ever gonna have like so on on this show um

jeff loves when i bring this up because i never do it and it's super fun and he never gets annoyed by it and never wants to close out the zoom but um i did um go to lambda for a semester oh yeah and so it's like i don't want anyone she studied abroad for a semester and she based a lot of her personality on it i don't want anyone to treat me differently because of it. Nobody's going to. I don't want anyone... Darling, you don't go to Lambda. You train at Lambda. Thank you. Thank you. I trained at Lambda for a semester. Congratulations.

Fabulous. Again, I don't want... Thank you so much. No, but no, I don't want to make this about me. I could tell you had vocal training, darling. I could tell from the moment you opened it. There was a resonance there. Jeff, aren't they so sweet?

This is crazy. They call it the Lambda twang, darling. I could hear it from the moment you opened it. There was a resonance there. Jeff, aren't they so sweet? They call it the Lambda Twang, darling. I could hear it from the moment. It's in your arse. Oh my God. Well, there was a Spoons that we went to that was near Hammersmith. And so that was the main one we would go to after class. And I remember going for the first time,

like after our first day, everyone was like, let's go to Spoons down the street street and of course we're all like what's that and we and they're like oh it's a great like you know a lot of uni students go to this pub and we show up and and yes no two spoons look alike but there is something unifying about them and the handful that i've been to is that the lights are just a little bit too high oh yeah it is it is a little too brightly lit yeah for what you want it to be and i remember i have to look up a photo i remember going in and just being like thinking that they're closing or they're shutting down being like oh are they done for the night and they're like no they're just

getting started this this is the ambience this is the ambience they cultivate there and you're right it was shocking for me i'm you never go to a spoons as your final destination you're always going somewhere and you're like oh and then we'll we'll go to we'll go to the spoons on the way and and have you know have a drink you'll never you'll pre-game at the spoons because it's so cheap but it's so bright that you don't want any it's like it just feels so what i love about like you know a lot of dive bars in america are like kind of you know the low light you get in a booth you're with your friends it feels like a private intimate thing spoons is the complete opposite it is a community table somehow and you're sitting like 20 feet away from someone this is an i Ikea showroom which is selling cheap alcohol.

Yes. Yes. It feels like the brainchild from what you were describing, Max, of someone who saw Citizen Kane and Piers Morgan tonight back to back. Yeah, and thought, let's combine. Let's combine the two. I mean, look, in many ways, it's genius. It's a real shame that the the guy behind it tim martin

is so unhinged because the egalitarian you know we all know what the american dream is the english dream is unlimited cheap booze on on every high street really if you if you cut down to the core of the english psyche that's kind of what we aspire to. That's the British dream. And that, you know, Wetherspoons are the premier purveyors of that. You can go for, you know, you can go for a curry, a series of weird fruity beers, and a fight, and you can do all of that for about 12 pounds.

Yeah, for sure. And the fight's free. And the fight is well lit. The fight is well lit. Everyone has a front row seat. All right. Should we get into our first Wetherspoons review, Riley? I thought you'd never ask, Jeff.

I thought you'd never flask. I thought you'd never flask. Let me find. Okay. So this, you know, again, we've been talking about it. It is the quintessential quintessential british experience um and so this review is for um one specific spoon it's called the swan and it is uh right outside hammersmith station um jeff obviously you're very very familiar with london

oh i know hammersmith um so what are your favorite parts about the hammersmith station and kind of the area? My favorite part? Yeah. Oh my God. It's just such a, it's, it's so full of characters and life. It's such a, like that's where you go to experience real London town. You go to the Hammersmith station, of course.

And that's like, that'd be like the equivalent of like the Lower East Side. You know, that's kind of like, oh, some rock bands for sure came out of there. I mean, obviously Hammersmith is where we go to buy our hammers in London. side you know that's kind of like oh some rock bands for sure came out of there i mean obviously hammersmith is where we go to buy our hammers in london it's the the hammersmiths uh sat there they're like blacksmiths uh with a very very very specific they're the one sect that we're not part of the blacksmith yeah they're they're a heavily unionized group of blacksmiths who oh yeah it's the only it's the only way you can buy uh or sell weirdly hammers in in london yeah so it's not even a neighborhood it's a group of welders yeah yes yeah yeah essentially and those boys like to drink it's thirst it's

making hammers is thirsty work yeah that's perfect so this quintessential british pub four stars for the swan um we like to do on the show we give uh we read the first name and then last initially get to make up a name so yvonne varun s what is the last name for varun s varun sigmund oh well-known surname one night only at the mirage okay okay oh wait sorry this one on average they have 4.2 rating that's pretty sigmund's review is three stars. Three? Oh, Varun's is three. Varun's is three. Varun's coming in a little under. Okay. Varun Sigmund. Three stars from Varun Sigmund.

A very French pub. Great location. Service is all right. It's a good place to catch a drink with your friends for a game. This is not a date spot. So clearly he took someone on a date there a very french french pub that is the most that is the most baffling that's a classic mr sigmund to be honest i mean i mean that that tells us more about varun than it does about the weatherspoons i mean that that is that is that is v to the s all over. Of all the words,

if infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters wrote infinite essays about Wetherspoons, would they ever describe a single one of them as very French? But also very French pub. So what is that? Because France doesn't have pubs. Well, I mean, was it simply that a whole bunch of french people were in the pub that maybe bonsoir bonsoir welcome to weather spoons uh how can i help you

today uh this evening we have a couple selections of uh fantastic uh parts um if you are interested or we have a wine by the glass or craft cocktails, whatever you would like. Oh, and I'm just looking at your menu. And what have you got here? Baguette. And you've got coq au vin. Guys, you said that the... Sorry, I'm visiting from the States.

You guys said that this was like a quintessential British spot. And this just already seems very French. Yeah, hi. Yeah, I was hoping to take Sarah here on a date, and I invited this American gentleman along to watch. It is very normal. Yeah, it's just sort of an anthropological thing. Not really.

Yeah, we do it over here. It's a sort of cultural exchange. He keeps trying to... Again, this is a sort of cultural exchange um he keeps trying to he this is again this is my best friend from college he's trying to take sarah on a date and he promised me that it was a normal british thing for me to third wheel i think he just truly forgot that i was visiting yeah yeah yeah i saw it yeah it'd be fine meet sarah for the first time right and uh and take her take her down a british I said we just go to a classic British boozer. That's what I said. Which?

And I mean... I do not understand the problem. Well, I mean, it's just, you know, you're wearing six or seven giant cloves of garlic around your neck, which isn't particularly British. Oh, I almost fell hot for everybody who comes into these spoons.

I pull out, like like three matching berets The twa fantasy car right here you go God save the Queen if you need anything else if you would like to order My name is Pierre. I will be down the hall that way. I'll leave you to your Menage a trois Well, it's not yeah, that's not what I was hoping for and he's gone He's saying things that I don't i don't i don't understand so you're you're where are you your friends from america sorry i'm sarah again i'm so sorry that i'm here i should just no it's no no no stay stay i told you she

might say that stay watch it's okay please's okay. Please, please, please stay. I'm not actually on a date with this man. Help, help. Listen, Justin. Yeah? Are you sure that this is a date? Because you keep insisting that it is. Sarah seems kind of uncomfortable.

Maybe it's more of a platonic drinks thing. Listen, Sarah's from work. I know she lives in the area. I knew there would be some pubs in the area I took us you and I went for a walk down Hammersmith checked out some of the local artisan hammers it's always a joy to see those craftsmen doing their thing

and it just so happened that we were stood outside Sarah's house when she came out I said drink she said what and I said great idea and here we are I was just putting the bins out yeah absolutely my son needs me hello it is me again

have we decided on what we would like to order this evening actually I think I'm ok three pints of real ale please have you got any proper British warm stuff no taste no taste. No taste. Absolutely, we do have that.

But if I can offer you something a bit more exciting, a bit more romantic for this Ménage à Trois that will be happening this evening. No, please, seriously. I was just putting the bins out and I was hoping to... We have an absolutely gorgeous Bordeaux. You know what we will focus the British ale

and I give you I give you three glasses of the Bordeaux of the Bordeaux what what's this you already had the bottle

it didn't even matter what we ordered what's this dark red beer I don't understand it so you don't know what wine is no we don't drink we don't drink it. So you don't know what wine is? No, we don't drink

it down West London, mate. I've been trying to show Sarah here, and you, a quintessential British experience. Sarah, don't you live here? You live near here. You know about England. I mean, unfortunately, you do know where I live. Clearly. I've got your records from work. It's perfectly normal.

That seems against any kind of work policy. Can I ask what you guys do? Yeah. Work at marketing. Yeah. If it was against work policy, then the HR computer would be more strongly locked.

Hold on. Excuse me. Let me just reach over here. I need to figure out the lighting. It became very dark. Let me just make it a little bit. No, it was kind of nice. That's absolutely blaring.

Mon dieu, Sarah. I did not even recognize you. Oh, my darling. You guys know each other? This is insane. Pierre. Oh, beautiful. You know, Sarah and I had a little dalliance once many moons ago. Pierre, you guys casually saw each other?

Well, it was, you know, if you think that finding the love of your life in one night is casual, then it was casual. You didn't even recognize each other in low light. How could you be the love of each other's life? I think we actually found each other more than once that night. Oh, oh. We absolutely, absolutely. Oh, that's cool. Sarah, you know, I do not know what you are doing after hanging out with these gentlemen, but I get off work in five minutes.

Well, I'd be more than happy to meet you outside. Justin looks so upset. I have to say, Sarah, I think your behaviour has been extremely unreasonable today. Kidding me? I regret having kicked open the door to the HR office and using the fingerprints that I dusted with sellotape on the mouse of the thing to unlock it get your details work out your most likely pattern of work and choose a day when your son is busy doing an after-school activity so take my mate pete for a walk nearby oh your son

how is it girl oh what a gorgeous little man. Little Marcel. Yes, he's four years old now. Is he called Edgar or Marcel? Your story isn't stacking up. Edgar Marcel. I forgot he's designated. Oh, double-barreled, I see. Very un-British. Not everything is about beer.

Double-barreled, real ale. Not dark red beer. Not enough's about beer in this confusing and souciant European den of iniquity. Be casual, Justin. Find someone random. Ask them out on a date. Don't use sellotape to get their fingerprints and get their details and avoid their son.

To quote Shakespeare, I'm someone who loved not too wisely but too well. No, don't quote Shakespeare. I'm so sorry. You know what, Sarah? I think I see what is going on no you don't you got it all I

I think that maybe with this cast of characters you have found yourself with that maybe I can join this evening maybe I pull up a chair and I join in on the party with the american and

the football hooligan who seated to your right thank you thank you for looking me in the eye and seeing me for who i am maybe maybe there is a bit of a connection here maybe we can undo some of the damage that brexit has wrought upon our two nations um you're clearly wanting um menage a trois of some sort i'm just going to um i'm just going to stand up uh i'm going to leave you three uh to it if you don't mind uh because as i said i really do need to get back to my son yeah let me check my watch he's actually finishing in about 10 minutes so you should probably i am so sad to see you go, but it was so fantastic to see you.

You know what? We switch and I take your seat. Oh, well, goodbye. All right, see you later. This is insane. Hello, Pierre. How's it going? Bonsoir.

Bonsoir. I take out three more berets. All right. These ones are going to act as condoms. It's fine. Should we take a break? Of course. Take some sponsors.

Marty. Marty. And we're back with Max and Yvonne is it ivan or evan um i mean i think that sounds great either really i i just appreciate not sounds great not ivan ivan yeah ivan i feel like in america ivan in america ivan yeah sure i feel that's how i'm on that's how it would go yeah no you are right because uh would be yep yeah okay so british english ivan yeah american ivan spanish ivan reality ivan yeah and i feel so american too yeah that's so American too feels so hard

Jeffrey yes I have a two star review of JD Weatherspoons in Manchester I think the address is 49 Piccadilly but that's not Piccadilly Circus there's Manchester Piccadilly there is a's not Piccadilly Circus. There's Manchester Piccadilly.

There is a big train station in Manchester. So it could be... It sounds like it's the spoons in the big train terminus up in Manch. Oh my God. Big train... This is so British. I'm sorry. It's so funny to me.

Two stars from Claire I. Claire Indigo. Claire Indigo. Two stars. It's the latest color in the Cola box absolutely indigo absolutely rubbish atmosphere with cheapest drinks but nothing to appetize the mind of palette yeah it's an okay place if you're skint and in a large group but don't come here looking to make friends with the dodgy characters surrounding the bar, isn't it? Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

I mean, it's pitch perfect. Did you train at Lambda as well? I trained at Lambda Chi Alpha, an American fraternity there. What up? Can you, Jeff, just for clarity's sake, could you read it sans accent just to hear? Because I think I know what I heard, but I'm fascinated to see if you can read it the most American that you can. Rubbish atmosphere with cheapish drinks, but nothing to appease the mind or palate. It's an okay place if you're skint and in a large group, but don't come here looking to make friends with the dodgy characters surrounding the bar.

Nothing to appease the mind or palate the extraordinary thing here is that i mean basically the way she described it reads to me as a five-star weatherspoons review like she's totally nailed the essence of what weatherspoons is what's baffling is that someone has told claire indigo or she's deduced from her own research that weatherspoons is what's baffling is that someone has told claire indigo or she's deduced from her own research that weatherspoons is a place to go to

appease the mind and palate and to make friends with the fragrant and hospitable characters around the bar yeah like she has

been to appease the mind and palate how does one appease the mind like i get i get hello chaps do you fancy going out to appease the mind and palate. How does one appease the mind? Hello, chaps. Do you fancy going out to appease the mind and palate? Yes, quite.

Oh, yes, darling. I'd absolutely... You know, I've been absolutely just ravidest to appease my mind. Yes. You know, Trixie, I've noticed that your mind has seemed a little unappeased of late. And... Oh, darling, it's been quite unappeased. Oh, can we please go to the train

station so we can appease my mind let us please appease let us please appease we threes we see they're all very wealthy and dressed to the nines yes now i've done little to no research but i've got an inkling that there is a a little uh little bijou uhale. Ooh. Just about. Ooh, yummy scrummy. I can't wait. We can hop on the omnibus and they serve libations galore, guaranteed to tickle and revivify even the most parched of minds and parched of palates. Cut to the pub.

Welcome to Wotherspoon's. Oh, God. My merciful mother of Jesus Christ. Couple of whale drinks, maybe a couple of real lagers. What was the last word of that man's sentence? Lagers. I do believe he's trying to say lagers. Oh, good grief.

Is he in such a state of intoxication that he can't say the word lager? Completely incoherent. Or is he trying to say a new word? We're doing half off points tonight. Bunch of chavs, bunch of ruffs getting drunk off their rocker today. It's a, I mean, it's almost a kind of beat poetry

that he's saying. It's a sort of, it's a kind of Bukowski-esque. You know, this just might appease my mind. I mean, don't you get the feeling that this is quite like one of those old salons? I do think he's trying to introduce some kind of maybe poetry or maybe he's from a faraway place.

Maybe he's an explorer of some kind. Yes, he's doing a sort of, yes, he is indeed. He's giving a reading of some sort. He's doing some kind of jig with that chair. Yes. Excuse me, my boss told me to change the specials on the chalkboard, but I don't know how to read or write.

Any chance you chavs could fucking figure that out for me? What's a chalkboard, I say? Oh, the language! Oh, goodness. I mean, on the one hand, The fruitiness of the language and vernacular Is an affront to my very being But on the other hand I haven't felt so alive in years

I mean, I can't speak for either of the two of you But my husband hasn't even made so much as a passing glimpse at me Since our marriage night some twelve year ago And rightly so And rightly so, and rightly so God save the king And rightly so. And rightly so and rightly so. God save the king. And rightly so. Yes, rightly so. But there is really something rather innovating

about this experience and I mean, Trixie you've always been a famed reader and writer. Maybe we could approach this goblin-like creature and maybe, you know in much the way as his colleague shared some of his ill-conceived stream of consciousness

thoughts with us we could perhaps you know give him a little of the of the alphabet and maybe some basic numeracy i think that would be quite i do think this will appease my mind excuse me kind gentlemen we would absolutely love to assist you in writing on your chalkboard. Alright, sounds good, yeah. Could you just say that the football match will be on around four? Absolutely. Football around four. You understood that. Wow, that's

wonderful, Trixie. I did! I did! Is that what he said? Excuse me, kind sir, I don't think I got your name. My name is a very simple name and it starts with a yard with a yard yeah he really doesn't he really doesn't know his letters yet he's giving it starts with a yarn it starts with a yarn a story about your name call me call me yarmouth yarmouth well that's a fantastic name Yarmick Yarmick A wonderful name

Now You guys seem like You have a lot of Of shillings I don't seem to have As much quid How do you guys Get rich fast?

Well we got rich The very very noble way By being born into Preposterously wealthy families And then marrying Still yet wealthier men It's a tried and tested method here, Yarmik. Yarmik, it's called generational wealth.

Yes, Yarmik. I've never even heard of that. I can only recommend it. Just be born wealthy. It's really quite something. I tried. You tried? Can you walk us through About how you tried

How I tried to be born wealthy Woke up First day I had a memory I said oh how good it would be To be able to do anything And then I realized very quickly That I couldn't do that So I got a job at this here JD

And now I get so Rubby pissed That by the end of the day, I don't even take home my day's pay. I live in the baseboards. Within the boards themselves, Yarmik. I kind of hit one of them with my feet. The baseboard gets up and it reveals a very small twin mattress.

That's my room, yeah? How utterly quaint. It looks exactly like the drawer where I keep my cheapest shoes. Yarmik. Multiple shoes? Yarmik, could you give us a moment, please, just to converse? Of course. Thank you.

I hope I'm not stepping on anybody's toes when I say this. Particularly not Yarmik, who's not wearing any shoes. Exactly. But I have almost butterflies in the stomach when I'm around Yarmik. Is that crazy to say? I think not. I mean, I felt a certain flattering about the buzzard myself. I think his aroma is so pungent that that is that it's caused me to to feel a little bit inebriated good good grief i think i might um as they say uh make my move oh well tricksy if you must yes i mean listen yeah you're you're it sounds as though

yarmulke may appease yet yet more than your mind at this point. And if you are, you know, if you are thinking of taking a trip with Yarmik into the baseboard and down to his delightful mattress-like sack of hay, then remember to use protection, by which I mean always carry a copy of the Bible. Of the Bible. And you know, I feel so thrilled. I have always loved the Phantom of the Opera. I feel like I'm living out my dreams at the moment. Come once again, my dear, indeed.

Yarmik! Oh, darling Yarmik! Yeah? I hope this isn't too forward, Yarmik! Oh, darling Yarmik! Yeah? I hope this isn't too forward, but my darling friends and I were wondering if you have any plans and the floorboards after you get off your shift. You asking me if you want a shag? Oh, Yarmik!

I've never done that before. That's surprising, Yarmik. Not really. I sleep on a sack of barley and I bathe a nail. It's mostly water. It is mostly water. Yarmik, I've never felt this way about anybody in my entire life. Really?

You awaken something in me, in all of us, you know, if I can speak for the group, that we haven't felt in what feels like, well, lifetimes. Yarmik, I would love to sleep on your pile of hay and barley this evening, if you'll have me. Nay. Nay? Oh. The reason I'm still virgin is because I'm very picky. this evening, if you'll have me. Nay. Nay?

The reason I'm still virgin is because I'm very picky and you're not Yarmouk's type. I say Yarmouk. Oh my goodness. Beggars can't be choosers, Yarmouk. You're clearly a beggar. I'm not a beggar. I'm not a beggar in the sexual sense.

Just in the legitimate sense that I need you. Yes, yes. And if you have any shillings to spare, I would very much appreciate it. Goodness. Yarmik, may I ask, what is... I'm so sorry, I'm trying not to cry from the embarrassment, but what is Yarmik's type?

Victoria Beckham. And Victoria Beckham alone. I say, Yarmik. Yes. Listen, you might be setting yourself up for a bit of a fall there because there is but one Victoria Beckham. Whilst we are most proud of her, I'm not saying you don't have a lot to offer her.

Look, good luck, mate. Good luck. All the best. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I grab your face so tenderly and it feels like sticky,

like a table at a pub. Yarmouk, I know we've only known each other for a short time, but if you ever do find Victoria Beckham, she'll be a very lucky lady. Trixie. And I just want you to know, I'll never forget you. Or your barley bed. Or your sticky face.

Or your ale ridden hair and if I can give you one parting gift might I have a kiss? Alright as you kiss all of his teeth fall out. Of course I knew it would

happen one day didn't think it would be because of this What a way to lose them. Well T Trixie, that looked sensational. Cut to like ten years later, I'm with my very boring husband and I'm wearing a necklace that almost

looks like teeth. Just staring out the window. You know, Trixabel, I thought it might be time for our annual chat. All right. I'm ready. I start just like running my hands along the teeth.

Yes. My butler's butler looked at you recently and relayed that information by way of an oil painting to me. I observed the painting in my club and wish to raise an issue with you. Yes, what is it, darling? It appears that you are somewhat sort of frotting a string device around your neck with some form of sort of ivory-esque implements. Now, I know full well the jewels that are in this family because I bought them all from my parents on their deathbed.

And that isn't among them. No, it is something much more valuable. I don't think you'll ever understand. I don't. I work... I work in a bank. And if there's one thing i understand it's value that my job is head of value here at the bank of england uh so if you're saying that's more valuable then uh

like clue me in miss Missy. Clint, you won't understand because it doesn't have anything to do with monetary value. It has more to do with values of the heart. And I know you and I have rarely had a moment of passion, but this passion... That's nonsense.

I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and that's just something that you'll have to get used to. Hold on. Just a moment of passion. I'd like to take issue with that. Do you not remember? Seven years ago, it rained slightly and we both stood under the same umbrella.

Cut to that. Well, this is nice. Cut back. What do you say to that? No, it was fleeting, but if I can be honest, and I hope I don't hurt your feelings, but I thought of him the entire time. Him?

Him. Jesus? Well, of course. Always Jesus. I can't believe you have to ask. That's always in the back of the brain. Right, right. Mama.

I see. Mama. Oh, yes. Yes, darling. Mama, I was reading your Bible and I flicked to the back pages and I don't understand. What are these drawings? Who is Yarmik i haven't heard that name in 10 years oh darling yarmik is well he's a very special friend of mine oh look out the window

and i see yarmik like past. A very special friend indeed. I try and wave. He disappears into the mist. Don't listen to your mother. No such thing as friends. These drawings, I don't understand them. What is Yarmik doing to you? Is he attacking you?

Listen, the Bible has all manner of illustration. Good grief. Papa, what is Yarmik doing? Listen, I have a very dim recollection of being placed into a similar position with your mother by my nanny. But I cannot truly speak to exactly what that is we cut to that moment close your eyes yes nanny thank you nanny yes all right uh should we do our last review? My God.

Yelling. Close your eyes. That is how we do it here. Close your eyes. This is how we do it. Okay. This is also for the swan at Hammersmith. It is one star from Bert H. Oh bert houndstooth bert houndstooth

okay excellent like the pattern um it is one star from bert houndstooth for this one deception and deceit website sports section promises quote unquote all the action from the autumn internationals with a confirmed booking specifying we were there for a meal while watching rugby we arrived to be told they aren't showing it terribly disappointing and would say if you want to watch sport avoid this place as what is promised is not what is shown the staff didn't offer to put one screen on for us. They were unhelpful, blunt, and unwelcoming. And then the owner responded,

or whoever is the manager of the swan responded. Thank you for letting us know about your recent visit to the swan. Please contact us at, then they give the number, when you have an opportunity, and we'll be more than happy to try and turn your experience around. The game is done. they didn't watch it you can't go back

and turn that experience around you say you can't you can't redo the game you can't get the you can't get you can't get the weather spoons has many staff so there's there's there's no stopping you know them just putting on uh i mean look if it's if it's a sevens that's 14 people that you need uh if it's a full rugby match then it is it is indeed more um that's exactly what i thought of like we'll make it work and like all right guys um we have burt and his friends coming in uh in about oh my god they'll be here in 15 minutes. And so obviously they missed the rugby match last night. And so we are going to need to play rugby in the pub. We can do a schoolyard pick for teams, I suppose,

if we want to have a team captain for each. Now, does anyone here know how to play and has ever played before? Because they should probably be the captain. It's the one with the racket, right? Is that it? You've got a racket. I think so.

I think so. You think? Swing it through the air. I think it's the one with the racket. Because I only watch football. And so this is quite new. But okay, let's go with racket. Sorry, rugby.

Rugby. Not heard of it. Not heard of it. Okay. No. You haven't even heard of it. No, not heard of it. Rugby. This is quite new, but okay, let's go with racket. Sorry, rugby. Rugby. Not heard of it. Not heard of it. Okay. No. You haven't even heard of it. No, not heard of it. Rugby, you're saying.

I think you jump. Rugby. I think there's jumping. It's sort of... You just jump around. Small trampolines or something and then you just kind of... All right, all right. I think...

But the racket fits in somehow. That feels right. Yeah, I think... With the racket. There's a lot of racket. Is there a sort of something on a string? Is that part of it? I can't... Okay, yeah, could be right, could be right. Yeah, I think... With the racket. There's a lot of racket. Is there a sort of something on a string? Is that part of it? I can't...

Okay, yeah, could be right, could be right. Shall I move the tables around or just leave them out? Yes. You know what? Let's do half and half. Let's move half the tables to one side. Yeah, but leave half where they are in case it's a table sport. Just in case.

Yeah. And you know what? We can just... We'll just go for it. I'm furiously writing this down. Okay, we have string, racket, jumping up and down. So when they come in, we'll just give it a go. And we'll probably be able to tell by their reaction if they love it, they love it.

And if they don't, they won't change it up. Can I offer up one thought? Yeah, of course. Yes, Jeremy. Why are we doing this all over just one customer? Well, I mean, I think, I i think i think i think i mean as this hushed silence suggests we're all a bit surprised you've forgotten the weatherspoons motto go above and beyond for every single online review online review and make it turn it around make it turn it

around and we've always said that jeremy and I know you're a new hire, Jeremy. I've never heard that. But this is something that's really, really important to us in the Wetherspoons family. All right. Yeah, I guess I just didn't know. Yeah. There was once a kid hacked their parents' account and demanded that we served alligator steaks. And we do.

We now do that. We do. We now do. Alligators are very nearly extinct because of this branch, because of the swan. Not even the whole chain. No, just us. No, just the one. Just this one.

That's so horrible. No, we don't like it. We don't want to do it, but we want to make the customers online happy. Yeah. And when that kid comes back, they'll be delighted or have forgotten. You guys, I think they're here i see them outside um everyone everyone places places here we go here we go barely talked about it hello bert uh welcome back oh um hi uh yeah no i'm just here with some mates i'm not really uh

okay let the games begin Games begin! Oh, yes! Oh, my gosh. We're all just jumping with string. I broke my leg. What's going on? My Achilles heel. My Achilles heel. Throwing a racket around. One of them hits Bert in the face. Oh.

That's a niner. We didn't discuss scoring. Oh, that's nine, okay? That's nine. And the jumping, two per each jump. So if my calculations are correct, we're already at 17, 18. 18. We're now at 18.

What's happening here? Why is that man just tying string to things? Rugby style. It's rugby style. It's rugby. You know, I know that you saw your review. Hello, I am the Wetherspoons manager. I responded to you.

And I'm so sorry about what happened with your experience that we couldn't put the match on. But we told you we'd turn your experience around. I kind of forgot about that, yeah. I'm sorry. You forgot? Oh, wait, let me just... Oh, yeah, no. You don't even like rugby that much?

We wanted to see the rugby, yeah, and it was the World Cup or something. I mean, my mates are more into it than me. I've broken my leg in 11 places. And you didn't have it on, so I guess it was... So we tried to make it up to you. I got rug burn from string all over my thighs and ass.

Rugby style. Rugby style. Yes. This whole thing was rugby style. This whole day was, was rugby style. It was for you. Not for you, Bert. Um, sorry.

I'm just a bit. What does that even mean? Rugby style? Well, you know, the, the jumping and the string and the rackets it it was all rugby style looking at it around everyone like right rugby style that's what the that came to the agreement about right i mean like i'm not a big rugby fan but even i know it's uh you know it's a it's a team sport with one ball and uh you're not allowed to pass it forwards um so that's why they throw it backwards but there's a few tables on the pitch aren't there just a couple of tables just a couple of tables not the whole pitch no not the whole pitch just half of it we made sure of that that

we know um what's all of a sudden one of the floorboards kind of opens up. Jarman comes up. Time to start my shift. Yeah. Hello, Jarman. Racket hits him in the face. Oh, of course. Don't worry. He's got no teeth to knock out, Bert. Right.

Yeah, no, I think I'm... I just preferred this place when it was a French restaurant, to be honest. A brasserie. Yeah, that was good times um all right should we do our last segment let's do it jeff what shook you? I got a tattoo. You got a tattoo? No way. I got tatted and inked and heated.

Is this your first? Is this your first? Congratulations. This is my first tattoo. Do we get to see it? Yeah, I can show it to you guys. Easy, Jeff. Oh, okay.

Oh, there it is. Happy days. The hair hasn't even grown back. No, it happened days ago. I shaved it myself. For the listener at home, it's a nice little smiley face without the head, I would say. Just the eyes and the mouth. Without the circle.

It's a smiley guy on my wily thigh. Oh, bars. Don't ever call your thigh wily. That's so... So did it hurt? Were you excited? Why the smiley face? Those are different questions,

but I guess why the smiley face? It did not hurt. It felt like somebody was just kind of scratching me. It took five minutes. It was Amy McClain at McLame Tattoos on Instagram. Shout out, Amy. scratching me uh it took five minutes uh it was uh amy mclean uh at mclean tattoos on instagram shout out amy um and uh it's a smiley guy because it's uh you know don't take yourself too seriously right leg because of right brain creativity yvonne and uh and and how do you know it's a guy it's not a smiley girl um i guess it's non-binary.

Is guy gendered? There's debate about that. That's the thing. I don't think guy is gendered. It's just a little smiley friend on his... On his wily end. Wily thigh. That's so much worse.

Healing's okay. I am really worried that I haven't been keeping it protected enough and that it's cracking. Have you been Vaseline-ing it? Is that a thing you're supposed to do? Only the first couple days. I'm not a tatty boy, as they would say over here. As they say down at the docks. Yeah, I'm not a tatty boy.

I'm a teddy boy. I'm not a tatty boy, but I do know that you might have to Vaseline your thigh he's a vassy boy but he's not a tatty boy he's a vassy boy just in case the tat comes along you can't be too careful I'm waxed, vaxxed and vast

and tatted how long will that take to heal for the size two weeks they said but maybe less because it's small and simple but it really is looking a little bit cracked and i'm worried i fucked it up because i haven't been vaseline it just ink it in with a little bit of uh a little pen and i'm sure it'll be fine as i say i'm not a tatty boy so i'm not sure yeah you can always get it touched up i've read so worst case scenario i'll go back back to Amy and spend another $80. Gradually increase, you know, what is now one of the most kind of elegant and spare and simple designs gradually each time.

You're like, oh, well, there's a tiny crack. So I'll just, if we can just add a little flourish, then actually, do you know what? I'm just going to do, and then in like six months time, you've got like a very elaborate ornate dragon fighting with an octopus that kind of goes across both legs yeah no way 3d perspective nipples pierced for some reason yeah absolutely bottom lip tattoo it says how a nice day yeah with a chain connecting all three yeah absolutely horrible or hags have a great summer i really want to get a bottom lip tattoo but i've heard they're really painful and uh the ink can run and there's like bad things that can happen with it but we'll see uh what have you what's been shaking you guys i have the the the genuine thing that's been shaking me uh

and not not for better oh no is um is it allowed to be a thing that's shaking you down to anger town? Down to anger town, yeah. There is a sensation which I identified, which I feel there's probably like some sort of German like compound word for it, but we don't have here, which is the fury and discomfort quite close to pain that you receive when your headphones are forcibly yanked out of your ears by your phone falling to the floor. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. And I'm talking ear pods, the standard like iPhone-y shape, like, you know, whatever the standard ones everyone's got.

The ones on a cable. Basically, I've got a pair of shorts that i wear to the gym it turns out the the pockets are secretly like a third too small for my phone but you can't really tell and also you can't really do anything about it so i just walk around and like four times in a gym session my phone comes out and it feels as though my eardrums so uh i've just done some quick google translating and i feel like the compound uh the compound german word would be kopfhörer lösen schmerzen which would be headphone release pain that's it that's what shape wow one more time yes you're suffering from quick on the cup i'm What's shaking me this week is kop her erlösen schmerzen.

That's my favorite one shook me up. That really is a very good one. So I, nine weeks ago, became a father. Hey. Congratulations. Yes. Oh my God. Yes, ma'am. Oh, my God. Which is pretty exciting.

Yeah. And every day I am shaken by just the thought. You're a very strong baby. Oh, my God. Congratulations. Yeah. You're not worried about shaking the baby every day. He wakes him up. Yeah, you're not worried about shaking the baby. The baby, everything's just like dead.

Wakes him up. Yo, what's up? No, the thing that blows my mind is, so basically we've got a book that we're following. It's called Your Baby Week by Week. And it literally tells you exactly what your baby's going to be doing that week. So week six, your baby will smile this week socially

uh as though they're recognizing something and lo and behold two days into week six no way my baby smiled i mean yeah it's it's pretty mad um so so yeah completely blew my mind but it's uh it's a hell of a ride it's pretty it's been accurate so far the book has been accurate uh unfortunately next week it says your baby will summon a demon well you know it's not an exact science so we'll see how it goes we'll see we'll see what happens there might be a couple of days at the start of the week when he doesn't you know it could that could happen on day four you know fingers crossed you never know yeah it's hard to say oh my god that's amazing congratulations thank you very much thank you sort of makes my tattoo thing look dumb i mean i tattooed the baby um so uh there it is you you

you tattooed w which is ill timing considering his homophobic rant yeah so um i know i said this on the pod last week but it just bears repeating um into the mist online show which happened in march april is now gonna be live and in person in Chicago. And Max and Yvonne, for those who don't know, it is like a night on the town in Chicago, 1927. And it's almost like sleep no more-ish immersive theater. Choose your own adventure. And so if you want tickets, intothemiss.net. But I'm very excited because this past weekend,

today, as the time recording, it is July 28th, a Wednesday. Um, and this past weekend, uh, Daniel and I went to Chicago to go to the theater and meet with our design team for the first time in Perth. We've had a lot of zoom meetings with them, but we did a walkthrough of the theater with them and it was just, it was just really exciting and crazy like to be in a theater with people put like making a show and our design team is so fucking awesome like we've had all these ideas but just given budget we're just like you know and also we're not designers so it's like well i guess

maybe we could we do this and within the first five minutes of the meeting our set designer just like brought up the coolest idea he's like oh yeah we can just do that at the start and we're like you can we can do that and he's like oh yeah easy and then just kept moving so it's wild that it's coming together and then also i like i this is just a shout out to chicago i really love chicago and i took like a nice walk by myself around um kind of the area where the theater is. And it's just a beautiful city. And so this is my thrill to announce that the city of Chicago and I are romantically involved with each other.

So congratulations, guys. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm really, I think this is a big one. I think this is the one. It's so crazy to say it. This is the keeper? I think this is the keeper one. I think this is the one. It's so crazy to say it. This is the keeper?

I think this is the keeper. I don't know. I mean, you said that about Detroit. You said that about Tampa Bay. No, I know. I say that about everywhere. But this one feels different. You spent a little time in London, I know.

That's true. London is my favorite city in the world, hands down, far and away. It really is. London's the one that got away, you know. London's the one that got away. But don't tell. You'll always have a necklace really is. London's the one that got away. London's the one that got away. But don't tell. You'll always have a necklace with 10 of London's teeth

around your neck. Whatever happens with Chicago. Whatever happens. Call back. Love that, man. Do you guys have anything to plug? Obviously, sound deals. Sound deals.

Sound deals. We've also got a, if you like, scripted comedy. We've got a show called Fugitives, which is a geopolitical thriller, which, yeah, baby, which is available now also on all manner of podcast platforms. So give that a listen. It's an epic cinematic tale which unfolds over eight episodes. Hell yeah. And no more. And no more. And no more. Because we believe it has not been recommissioned. give that a listen it's an epic cinematic tale which unfolds over eight episodes hell yeah

and no more and no more because we believe it has not been recommissioned of course yeah ends on a cliffhanger

ends on a cliffhanger but if you if you want to know what happens just message us at the end pay us pay us to write

pay us to write season two because we have plotted it out oh my god we'll get a whole we'll get a whole petition yeah we'll do a whole thing yeah kickstart i'll email uh q code um where can people find you if they want to see more of your things instagram twitter whatever the floor is yours for handles all right all our handles are max and ivan that's i and this is and this is the time where i where i i go okay it's it's it's ivan so i-v-a-n oh and then they're like well why do you pronounce it ivan yes i'm sorry i just i grew up in spain and it's a whole thing and we don't need

to go into that but i'd say it's i'd say the evan thing has held back our careers by about three years i reckon like not so much that it's not so much that it's like kiboshed it but it's just you know waiting it's just enough where it makes i really want to get to the fame levels of rafe fines which is you know spelt spelt ralph but uh pronounced rafe everyone yeah yeah i i believe genuinely believe that in five to ten years people will call you rave one can only hope anyway please do check out rave finds on instagram yes he's a beautiful guy check out early rave finds really beautiful guy i mean he's you know he's aging well but i mean a real a real showstopper in his early early years early years i couldn't agree more i think we can all there's a consensus on rave there is an absolute consensus on rave

um you can find jeffrey james on instagram at jeffrey james and on twitter at jeff boyardee you can uh find the show on twitter at review review show on instagram at review review and on reddit at r slash review review you can follow riley on instagram at riley anspa on Instagram at ReviewReview and on Reddit at r slash ReviewReview. You can follow Riley on Instagram at RileyAnspa, on Twitter at RileyCoyote. Max and Yvonne, thank you so much for joining us. Listen to Sound Deals. Thank you for having us. Yeah, this was an absolute blast.

I'm sorry if my British accent is offensive. It was offensively good. It was incredible. I don't think so, man. I'm obsessed with it. It's so not there. I love it. But yeah, we appreciate you taking the time.

And we won't take up any more of it. So we do have to do ads, but we'll let you guys go. All right. Well, peace and love. That was absolute namaste. So nice to meet you guys. Joy, so nice to meet you. Thank you, guys.

That was such a ball. Thank you for coming on and playing with us. Should we thank some VI podcasts, right? Absolue ma. Big thank you to Aaron. Thank you to Aaron. Kind of a joke here, Coogan. Agent Michael Small.

Bing! A co in the key of, well, G. Alan taking the piss out of Jeff with my potty humor. Alex Witt. Alvar Walston Lindell. Anthony Amadeo. Austin lost his credit card stand, but he's back now, baby.

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Big fan of your work. Jeff, you and I should jam sometime. I love John. Oh, John. I've been meaning to get back to John. I gotta get back to him. Holly. I'm just kidding about the bullying.

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If you also want access to bonus content, live streams, and Zoom parties, you can subscribe at patreon.com forward slash Riley and Jeff. If not, we'll see you guys again next week. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of Review. Arrivederci. That was a Hiddem original.