Review Revue - Wineries (w/ Kylie Brakeman!)

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

Kylie Brakeman (UCB, TikTok) joins Reilly and Geoff to read reviews about Wineries and to discuss snobby sommeliers, fear glands, and wingmen-for-hire!Follow Kylie, Reilly, and Geoff:IG: @deadeyebrakeman, @reillyanspaugh, & @geoffreyjamesTwitter: @deadeyebrakeman, @reilecoyote, & @GeoffBoyardeeAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThanks to our sponsor, My BookieSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time. I just want to know how you feel.

How many stars would you give your meal? Did it taste like a rubbery seal? I just want your review. I just want to read you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did it taste like a rubbery seal?

First of all, that came in from Nolan Murphy, a beloved BIA patron. Nolan, you king! He wanted to plug his Instagram at Noel Murphy, N-O-L-M-U-R-P-H-T-3, sorry, 237. No, I don't think so. I'm so sorry.

But yeah, we're here with Kylie Brakeman. Hello! Dead Eye Brakeman on social media. That's the name. We should explain that we, for the entirety of the show's existence, our theme song was Fuh You by Paul McCartney. And record labels have started reaching out to HeadGum

and being like, hey, any of your- Cease and desist. Absolutely. Cease and desist. We love it. Well, that's how you know your podcast is going well. If you start to get cease and desist yeah then we're on the right track open up baby it means somebody cares yeah so we can't use that

anymore um which is kind of our whole show so now we're at a bit of a loss uh but this was but nolan did a parody of for you so that's why it but if you didn't recognize it it's paul mccartney's newest song if you didn't recognize it it's because it's from the album egypt station by paul mccartney yeah yeah i definitely did not recognize it of course okay i will say that um so you were just telling us that you got vaccinated. I got vaccinated. I've been working at, I probably shouldn't say which location, because they have a strict don't blab about the vaccine policy. Of course.

And verbatim, that's the contract they make you sign, is they kind of have a strict don't blab. That is the only contract I've signed, is don't blab. Yeah, but it's been great it's uh it's like it's nice to be a part of the solution in like a very weird way and like did i take this job to get the vaccine and because i need money yes of course it it feels like a morally like yeah i'm a frontline worker. I'm a hero. You're a hero for this. So you're at the first dinner party back after the pandemic.

No, I'm like, I get that you guys couldn't help, but like I had the time, I had the energy, and I don't know if that makes me better than you, but. Yeah, I get it that it's not for everyone. Being a hero isn't for everyone, but for me personally, it was. So how many days a week do you work there? Like, is it? I work like four days a week, like eight hour shifts. I, yeah, I realized I do need money.

I was sitting on unemployment for like nine months that I just got used to not having a job. And I sort of just weirdly assumed that like I was somehow someone who had a lot of money. And I realize now I'm like, oh, no, I don't really. Well, hell yeah. What did you get that Pfizer? Did you get that Moderna?

I got the Moderna. That sweet, sweet Moderna. Four week waiting period between the doses as opposed to three. Severe second dose fever reactions. I don't know if Pfizer has that as well, but look out for that when you get it. Because you will wake up with shivers and shakes. That's cool. That's cool.

That's really good. But it's worth it. That's how you know it's working. Yeah. What did you do in the in-between? Or have you changed your behavior at all you're the first person i know or second person i know who's gotten it who's like our generation yeah i mean i haven't changed that much i kept i told myself i would go outdoor dine somewhere to celebrate but like i think i'm just getting over

the hurdle of looking the waiter in the eyes and like having them think that I'm like some Republican. I got the vaccine. I want to wear a shirt that says I got vaxxed. I got vaxxed and I'm tipping 30 percent. It's the got milk text, but it says got Pfizer. Got vaxxed. Where would you go? What's the I mean, I don't want to out your we can bleep it if you

want to like keep your la haunt secret but oh my god where would i go there's so many places i mean i live vaguely salazar or oh my gosh i'd go anywhere i'd go literally anywhere i found out through a friend of mine who works at a nursing home that they actually do throw doses out so i'm wondering if the campout technique is ethical that's the thing like if doses are being thrown out absolutely take it to me right now it is more ethical to just take it yeah to let it go to waste because of like bureaucracy and stuff you know it's like yeah uh like my friend worked at a site that uh a different one where it's like they had like 10 left over at the end of the day so they just like ran around the park like whoever's here like do you have a warm body do you have an arm like

give it to you right now well and jeff you've been you've been stockpiling vaccines in your freezer so you're kind of letting them expire And I like that you said stockpiling because I view them as shares. You know, we saw GameStop to the moon, Doge to the moon. I'm wondering if the next thing to the moon is Pfizer. Yeah, well, it's good that you have so many and that you're storing them at freezer temperature, which is good. So many. You never know when you're going to need another one. Saying that about stocks or bonds like, well, it's good that you have so many because you never know when you're gonna need another one saying that about stocks or bonds like well it's good that you have so many yeah i know nothing about money i assume you want just like piles of stocks you never want

a little bit of nothing you want a lot of a lot a lot of a lot yeah follow me for more money advice medical money medical money i'm a doctor i'm a finance person i know everything and listen you Follow me for more money advice. Medical money. Medical money. I'm a doctor. I'm a finance person. I know everything. And listen, you know, speaking of you want a lot of a lot, we're not here to talk about stocks. Right, Jeff? We're not here to talk.

We're here to talk. I want a lot of that sweet, that sticky, that wine stuff, famously. What? Just say wine. You know, that sticky that wine stuff famously what just say wine you know that sticky grape stuff that i want that sticky smush smush a grape between my toes and call it wine you know jeff you're looking confused it just doesn't sound appetizing when you say it like no i get it i get it i fully get it you shouldn't't. Don't placate her. No, I mean, come on. Show us your feet. Show us the bottoms of your feet. Yeah, they're stained with Cabernet, obviously.

Come on, show us your feet. Okay, okay. That's how you can make six figures working from home. You're just stomping grapes beneath your standing desk. We're talking wineries. Wineries. Kylie, any experience? Also, one of my favorite characters you've done is Mother Mary Full of

Grapes. I have memorized that song. I watched it ten times in a row and I was weeping. So any winery experience? I love absolutely confusing my audience. Because that was the stuff I used to do before the pandemic is just

really weird characters. And then I only suddenly started being like, I, every Joe Biden ever. And now they're like, what does this mean? It doesn't mean anything. But yeah, I've been to a few wineries. I went to one in like Paso Robles and I had a lovely experience. I also studied abroad. And so I went to an Italian winery where they got us so drunk.

Love that. They have just such a stamina that we don't have. Where they're like, yeah, you can go to five different wineries on this bus that you paid $40 for. Oh, my God. What a dream. It was such that you paid $40 for. Oh, my God. That's insane. What a dream. It was such a deal. It was amazing.

Oh, it's beautiful. How does a California winery compare to the Italian winery? I mean, I think that Italy is better, probably. But I think it's just because I'm a 21-year-old in a cool country. Sure. You know, study abroad. Bougie. Annoying.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's like... She was begging me with her eyes to bring it up. I don't like to talk about it, but it's like when you're... You love talking about it. When you're not in the States, it's like things are just different out there. Things are just so different. The way they talk over there, it's just so different. The way they talk, the way they live. language it's like um sure i guess the language but it's like it's just the

way that they kind of like use their voice like metaphysically and and the cappuccinos they're different they're those are just those are different for sure well jeff don't say yeah because you actually didn't do it so it's like you don't actually know right it's like because you didn't study abroad but i did study abroad yeah yeah i was just active listening trying to like participate and give you guys what you seemingly want we want passive listening i want you to listen like you're not listening um wineries meffrey i've been to sonoma once it was um a winery or just the place just the place i was 15 um i had a little student short film that i made in high school go to the festival my sister was uh doing an internship up north and so i visited her and went to the film festival uh was too young to drink wine uh but i still had a good

time uh i don't i i do want to go to wine country though. I feel like it's like a fun bougie thing to participate in. It's very fun. Before it disappears. I just remembered that my parents took, they went on a wine train when I was like four years old and they took me and they, because it was like an adult wine train, they put all the people who brought their kids in one section of the train

so that to not disturb the other couples. And it was the only one that wasn't air conditioned. So I just remember being so upset. It was like 90 degrees, all these whore, like these families are just baking in this cart while their parents are wine tasting. Sweaty, drunk adults and all the kids being like, what do

we do now? Why are we here? What is here for us? When you're a kid, wine is the dumbest thing. You don't understand the appeal. If you get to have a little sip, it tastes awful. And even through college, you're like, this is inefficient. This isn't

a shot. I'm not on the floor yet. Why would I drink five of these to get there? I do not like shots. I can't do it. I will immediately just gag. It was hard. So I would absolutely take a tumbler, fill it with a bottle of wine and just walk around a college party sipping wine out of a plastic straw and a tumbler.

My mouth just stained red. It was horrible. Short too, right? You can be honest about how much you spilled. Oh, absolutely. It's like I wouldn't know until either I went to the bathroom or got home. And I'm just looking at her and just going,

oh, damn it. Adult braces. No, I do remember being able to drink a full bottle of wine back then yeah oh yeah

now I have a glass and I'm like well it's time for me to go to bed I'm like well okay then you just start moving back and forth

yeah moving like a water bed I'm moving like a water bed two glasses of wine and I am a waterbed. I'm moving like a waterbed. Two glasses of wine and I am a waterbed. All right. Should we get into some reviews? God, please.

Okay. This is a two-star review from Bob T. Kylie, do you have a last name for Bob T? Tantaliano. Bob Tantaliano. Bob Tantaliano. This is a two-star review of Paradox Wine in Napa, California. In their tasting room, I was sitting with a sommelier, and next to us was a guy who's been working at a winery for eight years. I was disappointed to see two different presenters

talk to these two experts like they were novices. They were intent on getting to the bottom of their spiel and not listening or connecting to their customers. Wow. Wait, okay. So are they saying the sommelier is a guest? Yes. The sommelier and the person who worked at a winery for eight years

are guests at this winery. Are guests of this other winery. And they weren't treating them with the like regal nature that they should have. Yeah, the reverence. And they didn't know. Okay. No, they knew, I think.

Oh, they did know. Yeah. They knew and they were just rude. I don't know if they said anything or not, but there's a lot of blanks to fill in. But I just love the idea of like a psalm and a winery owner going to a like a more fancy napa place and like yeah being expected to be treated like with this reverence like kings and i'm just like having them being treated like absolute shit just fucking idiots

yeah um there's like there's notes of pear. Oh, you know what? This must've been 2014, right? That was a great year. Right, right. I am getting that too. I'm getting like a more tannin forward finish than I was expecting from, you know, a Pinot Noir is much lighter than this normally.

Yeah. Oh man. Oh, this is so good. Wow. Oh, that's delightful. You're getting that? Yeah. You're getting that?

Yeah, yeah. I think I like it. It's like, yeah, I like it. Oh my God, you like this one. I'm like chuckling to the other sommeliers across the room. You did serve it to us. They like this one.

We did like it. Isn't the goal for us to like all the wines here? Oh, it's just like, you know, we get people coming in for birthdays or just, you know, wanting a nice weekend away. They don't really know wine. So I guess it's our job to steer them in the right direction.

Well, I'm a sommelier. Yeah, I'm also a sommelier. And I just, you know, I liked the wine. I've, you know, I've consulted with restaurants for a very long time. I've had a rather successful career. And I personally liked this wine. It's okay if you don't. Barton almost worked at the French Laundry.

Like, he was like one step away they had i was down to two and i didn't book it wow i'm so sorry to hear that and hey you know what that's the right attitude to come into when you go to a wine tasting we're all sommeliers at the end of the day right and that's exactly what i'm saying we are sommeliers okay well if we're sommeliers here's our latest uh 2007 cab. That's a Cabernet Sauvignon. That's what we call it in the biz, a little Cab Sav. One and two. Let us know what you think of that.

Okay. Smell it. Yeah. It's like notes of cherry. There's like a wood smoke smell. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting a little bit of blackberry. Okay, I'm going to go for it. God.

You know, we don't have a bucket, so you are going to have to swallow that when you're done. Oh, I like it. I'm getting like a little bit of a charcoal at the end of it. Yeah, I was going to say charcoal at the end of it. I checked my notes. It says everything you just listed. Huh.

I'm just going to go. I'll be right back. I'm going to go get a third wine for you guys, but I need to talk to our head sum. Cut to him talking to the head sum. Did they know the charcoal? They knew the charcoal. At the same time, at the end, they said,

it has the charcoal. The only way that we are in business is by looking down to people like they are absolute garbage and to see them just walk in like this and no information we could be ruined the bachelorette party at table three looked over at me like i was a fucking idiot so i can't i don't know how i can go back out on the floor you're gonna have i mean someone's gonna have to go take it over i don't know if i can do this anymore you can do this you can do this remember the number one rule of sommelier is gaslighting you have to just convince them that they are wrong they are not right because we are right because we spent 45 000 years tasting

wines yeah and god has it has it been that long already all right that's temporally impossible to have spent 45 000000 years tasting wine. Well, I guess for some people, that might seem like too much time, too much dedication. But in this business, it's like if you're not spending that much time, then it's like you don't actually care about the wine. How long have you been alive? Just curious. Oh, me? I'm 26 years old. Okay, so the 45,000 number. Well, I mean, listen, when I say 45,000, it's like when you're in this world of sommeliers, it's like we're all kind of one.

We are. If that makes sense. And so it's like for as long as we are. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Let's bring out one number three and let's test that theory. All right. Some people get lucky on the second try, but here's a little.

Yeah. So that's a beer. That's an actual beer. Why don't you taste it? You never know until you try it. I mean, this looks like an IPA, but I will taste it. It's here. Okay, we'll give it a sip.

Malt. Smells like malt. Yeah, I'm getting barley. Hops, for sure. Fermented hops, yeah. A little bit of an orange flavor. This is a beer. You guys.

You are so cute i'm looking over the bachelor table just like these two what you guys they clearly were like skeptical but they see you talking down to us and they like oh okay it was literally yellow it was was yellow, you guys. It was a peen gridge. So you two, you need to get the fuck out of this winery, all right? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. And you're embarrassing yourselves. Are you serious?

Okay, you're not embarrassing me. You're embarrassing yourselves. Look, we run a winery. We came to, you know, support the community. We paid $40 each to taste your wonderful wines today. And I feel like we're being treated rather rudely. Oh, you want a winery? Oh, you want your own little winery?

That's not what she sounds like. Why don't you go on back to your little winery, okay? Because this is where the, I'm the big, we're the big dogs here. And you're, you're, you're nothing, all here. And you're nothing. You're absolutely nothing. So get on. Go on. Get.

Get. Get out of here. We're not dogs. Cut to a year from now. The song sits down, blindfolds him, spins him around in a chair. Alright, bitch! Where the fuck are you? I'm the fucking busboy!

You want a fucking refill, stupid ass ugly ass worm nose you got a little worm nose pouring wine on your head how do you like that an arrow barely misses a customer like lands on the table somebody with like a fucking bow and arrow like that one was a warning yeah if you didn't want to get shot with a bow and arrow, why did you come to a fucking winery, you moron? Why'd you come to your fucking idiot? For the wine. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I don't think so. No, you come to a winery to get humiliated. Why do I love this? Yeah, that's right. What notes do you taste in that wine? What notes do you taste in that sa blanc? My own tears. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Don't you fucking forget it. Why do I like this? We're doing an forget it uh why do i like this why do i like this um i do have one that stopped me in my tracks well now you can probably hear it sorry i do have one that stopped me in my tracks actually um it did it did um okay so this is from a winery called uh beckman wines and this is important um so kathy k gave it one star jeff last name for kathy k uh crunch okay kathy crunch okay so kathy crunch from california gave this one star and she says i struggled to give one star. My daughter and I were almost run over by Tom Beckman on horseback.

Anger poured from his mouth. Dot, dot, dot. I would think the wine he poured would have the same poison. Oh, my God. that's one of my favorite reviews on this show ever that is fucking fantastic i could not believe it oh my god wait what did they say about so the wine was good or the wine was bad they didn't mention the wine at all. And it looks like they didn't even get in. Like, they were, like, almost run over by horseback.

He was, anger poured from his mouth. I would think the wine he poured would have the same poison. You have to be so intentional to run someone over with a horse. And in such a passing moment, they could see the vitriol just oozing out of him as he's fed past. He's so mad. He's so angry. Oh my gosh. God.

Should we be able to try to get a table at the winery? Hi, table for two. It's my daughter's 21st birthday. The table is for the Jensen's, Laura and Lisa Jensen. The Jensen's? Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm going to the back for a moment.

Just wait right here. Okay. Okay. Lisa, honey. Oh, no. Oh, no. We dive out of the way. I'm Tom Beckman, and this here's my winery saloon. And if you don't want to drink here, you better get the freak out of the way.

What the fuck was that? You almost ran us over with a- I throw up in the corner. He's like, exit the room. I'm sorry. Is there a problem? Yeah. The fucking owner of the- Tom Beckman. He'm sorry, is there a problem? Yeah, the fucking owner of the winery,

he just almost ran us over with a Clydesdale. On a horseback through the winery. Yeah, that's part of it. Part of it? Did you read our info page on our website? It said reds and whites. It said reds and whites, and that it was going to be a five-star,

unforgettable experience in the Napa Valley Hills. Yes, so it says reds, whites, unforgettable experience in the Napa Valley Hills. Yes, so it says reds, whites, unforgettable experience in the Napa Valley Hills. If you scroll all the way down in about size 10 font, we say you will be run over by horseback to activate your fear glands. Your fear glands are what makes the wine pop in your palate a little bit more. So yes, we do have to give you a bit of adrenaline before you taste our wine. This is insane. There should have been a waiver before this. We could have to give you a bit of adrenaline before you taste our wine. This is insane. There should have been a waiver before this. We could have been seriously injured.

We made this reservation like seven months ago. Let's just can't. I'm not a quitter. I'm not a fucking quitter. Daddy didn't raise no quitter. Well, Daddy isn't around anymore. All right. Why did you bring that up?

Because you brought him up first. Now, listen, I want you to have an incredible 21st birthday. And I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want to go to a place where we have to be scared to drink. This is insane. Seat us. Let's do this. Okay.

I'm going to seat you. Let me just go check if your table is ready. No, when she leaves, bad things happen. Yeah, I worry that when she leaves, she's going to get Clyde Stella coming through the room. I'm so scared. Some kind of... Yee-haw!

Next! Oh, my God! Horse jumps through the ceiling. Bet you didn't see this one coming. I'm Tom Beckman, winery god. Go away, please. We're so scared already. We'll try the wine.

See you in a couple of minutes. I don't want to see you ever again. Okay, so your table is ready. I've just been informed, so you can follow me. There's so much debris. You broke through the ceiling. Is that not an issue? Oh, yeah, that happens every time.

That happens every time. We have an in-house staff that patches the roof. In fact, there they are right now. There they are right now. They've got their ladder. They're going to patch up the roof. So you follow me. Why the Western theme?

If it's just fear, why does it have to be Western themed? Why is it Western? Well, we got to be consistent. You know what I mean? We started in about, I don't know, the Gold Rush, 1863. They didn't really give me a year. That's good enough for me. Just please, just give us the wine so we can try it and then get out of here.

I don't know when else could possibly happen. Is there a way you can get the wine without going back to the kitchen? Because I fear that if you go back to the kitchen. I don't want you to leave. Tom Becker is going to come back. can get the wine without going back to the kitchen? Because I fear that if you go back to the kitchen... I don't want you to leave. Tom Becker is going to come back. You don't want me to go to the kitchen. How else am I going to get you the wine? Oh, God.

Okay, have a seat. All right, all right. Have a seat. Carry your glasses. And you know what? You've been through enough. You've been through enough. I won't go to the kitchen.

I'll just go to our indoor bar and I'll pick up a wine that's already been opened if you're okay with that that's amazing let me just pop under the bar wait we can't see her anymore you can't see me anymore and she goes

no yippee yippee I can hear him but I can't see him where is he it's me and my twin brother, Timmy Beckett, on a smaller horse. No! No! I'm on a pony Clydesdale. The horse is so tiny.

What the fuck? He's a miniature man. And together, we are the Beckett Brothers. And boy, do we have a show for you. A show? A show? That's right. It's the scariest thing you can think of.

Dinner theaters. The lights go down, spotlight on like a little stage. It was a Tuesday morning in Tennessee. Thunder noise. Father had been out for pasture for quite some time. And the winds, they sure do change, don't they? Fans turn on. They're right behind the Jensen's.

4D. It's 4D. It's 4D. Yeah, you're in the splash zone. Don't interrupt your own story. Just keep going. I just wanted to explain this last one before I get back into the monologue.

Get it over as soon as you possibly can. Okay, so okay. Anyway, where was I? Papa, you can't be out here. The storms are blowing at 80 miles an hour, and your tears are blowing just as fast. Tears of this spurt out into them the hostess is like

spray bottles in front of the fan this is part of it this is part of it i'm so sorry one of these the fresh water's for the storm the salt water's for the tears i just want the wine listen son my tears water the crop it's called Now, if you don't mind. Oh, oh, no. He clips himself onto like a pulley system and gets blown up off the stage. No, Papa, you're finally on your way to heaven. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Why, God. The curtains come down. Wait, was there a theater put in? I didn't see this when we came in. Right, so we work very fast, and here is that bottle of wine. So I'm just going to cork it. This is a 2013 Zinfandel from the Sonoma region. So I'm going to pour a little bit. I'm going to pour a little bit. My heart's racing for so many different reasons like it's fear of like basically secondhand embarrassment fear of death with the clydesdale and just not knowing what's going to come next fear of the unknown this is the best

wine i've ever had that's fucking good what why why would i steer you wrong why would i steer you wrong this is why you come here this is why we come here? This is why we come here. You've got a customer for life. If I buy a case of this, will it taste the same when I'm home? Can I just open it on a normal night, not having been scared, and will it taste as good? Because I don't know if I want to spend that kind of money. You know, it will taste as good as long as you hire

some actors from Universal Horror Nights. I recommend, I have a couple people that I highly recommend they've been doing it for five years, so here's their business card um just let them know when and where you will be drinking it and you should get the exact same place we also have vhs copies of poltergeist so put that in if they're busy and you we also have a a VHS player because I know not a lot of people have one of those. So here, take a VHS VCR machine. Do you know where

the red, yellow, and white cord, you know where to put them? Oh, we should get one of those too. We should get one of those for you. You might have to run you through it actually. My husband works at a best buy. I think I can go home and he can set this up for me. Don't worry about it. Our VCR system's a little different.

It's powered by grapes. So we'll just run you through it. Now see, that's not fear or wine, right? That's just weird. No, that's just a different thing. That's not part of it. This is something else. That's not part of it. This is something else.

Well, I hope you enjoyed your stay. Alright, Riley, do you want to do yours? Or should we take, we should take a quick break. Let's take a little break. Thank some sponsors. Or not. Marty. And we're back.

Riley, do you want to do your first review review i'm not gonna i'm okay i'll just tell you about it after this i'm just gonna go into it this is from chris r last name for chris r kylie um roto chris roto this is um from chateau montelena in, I believe it's California. I looked up the top 10 wineries in the world. So I didn't want to like, you know, instead of just like a nice little vineyard that's just trying to get by. So here we go.

Five stars. Exceptional wine and experience from Chris Roto. I've been to a lot of wineries over the years. Chateau Montalina is by far the most beautiful experience I've had. The grounds are gorgeous. As we walked from the parking lot to the chateau, we were greeted by two swans sitting on the banks of a pond and a whole flock of ducks playing in and around the water. The building itself is magnificent and you have no trouble imagining you're in a chateau somewhere in the French or Italian countryside. Ivy blankets the walls of this stunning building, and the foliage around it creates a lush atmosphere. The tasting rooms are

relatively small, but adequately roomy enough. It isn't too crowded. We went on a weekday in the middle of February, so it wasn't packed, but it was lively. The wine was remarkable. All of it. Their estate cabs and chardonnays were top-notch. The people we were with tended not to like shards in general, but they really loved them here. They weren't super buttery or oaky. I highly recommend this place if you want to impress someone, or if you just want a gorgeous experience yourself. It was pricey and well worth it they said nothing they said two paragraphs about the place it could be describing any building it's it's it strikes me as like what it makes me think of is uh like when you didn't do the

reading in high school or something um and you somehow like skate by like a sommelier like summit well of course yeah the bottles we all know how bottles can be um and so yeah i mean god you guys it's like this place is such a hidden a hidden gem um i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't be surprised if no one's ever been there except for well me where is it exactly where is it you're like bragging about how you're the only one of all of us sommeliers who's been to this exclusive winery i've never even heard of that would you say what was it called chateau what it was the chateau de um de villian you know i speak french Oh, DeVillian. You know, I speak French. That sort of means house of nothing. Oh, gosh. Christine, you kill me.

You absolutely kill me. Yes. I mean, sure. You could translate it. It is house of nothing. But when you go in there, there's just about everything. They're so funny that way. They're so funny that way.

Right. So I'd love to know about what they have. You know, you said everything. Everything. You know, and what do they focus on? You know, like we really wanted to send you out here to do this report. We each do our annual sommelier book report where we go out to a different winery and we give a little presentation on it. And we, I mean, I went. You went. It was amazing. It was unbelievable. I also could understand exactly what the whole deal with, like, I feel like I've been there. Yeah.

So it's just about describing, you know, what exactly happened. What exactly did you drink? So we can, you know, compile our lists for the end of the year. Totally. For who is going to be crown sommelier. I'm happy to go over it again. I mean, they have got the parking lot. Can I just say space for all, space for everyone.

Charging stations. Yeah yeah out the wazoo yeah um you walk in there and god the grass oh my god the grass i mean it's just like the perfect kind um and then getting what kind was that oh my god well you've seen it i mean like you and we you know you know when you see it right you know when you see it joe knows what i'm talking about he knows exactly what i'm talking about there's a parking lot in grass when you go inside what about the wine they have well of course i'm getting to the wine i'm setting the scene sorry christine it's like every year you put joe and i in the same group and it's hard so you get you get inside and you try they say would

you like a glass you know they say would you like a glass and so i say of course that's why that's wine i'm here why do you keep looking at your watch i i didn't notice i was doing that um i just know that you have another you have another one of these to go to in yeah everybody gets 15 minutes and that's capped but it's usually because everybody has so much they want to say yeah we yeah we have the time cut off to prevent one person from going on and on and on totally so i guess i should make this brief um i had the wine and then they gave me a little cheese and um it was yeah i think god is that time up already god how time you have seven more minutes fuck really i mean um you said you had reds and whites did you have a cab i yeah i had a i had a cab i took a cab there um and then i uh

i had a couple of the reds this place is just it's a secret little guy um so the cab took me right up to the front steps of marie i'm gonna stop you right there god fine and i hate doing this the number three rule of the somalias kingdom is that you don't accuse people of things baselessly i don't think you've been to this winery you also like like i don't want to like be mean but you don't look great like you just look a little disheveled like i'm wondering we're wondering if there's something else going on. Yeah, your hair is, you sort of have like a pigtail situation,

except one of them has fallen out and you haven't fixed it. You just, no, I'm just, you like just coughed up a branch. I've been living in the woods. I've been living in the woods. There it is. I lost my-

There it is. So I was wondering. I was wondering what it is. You're living in the woods. Okay. Listen, I lost my sense of smell. And so I took to the woods like a dog to just kind of sniff around. And I, because I don't know who I am without it.

Right. Oh my God. Unfortunately, I did get lost. I did make a home out of a nest. Well, you found your way to the conference which i find very impressive i didn't go to the winery all right i didn't go but i showed up here i showed up here with my heart on my sleeve and a twig in my mouth so i don't know what else you guys want from me all right i want to be in the running for top sommelier of the kingdom just as much as anybody else i i

hear that i hear that and i understand i mean without a sense of smell you know that position that that puts us in but there are plenty of things for you to do around the summit around the sommelier's kingdom as we so call it that don't involve sommeliering at all for example we need someone to pass out the flyers we need someone to set up the folding chairs at the end of the night i mean gosh who knows that's a that's a struggle joe stop it joe stop looking so fucking smug all right sorry christine keep sorry it's just like put out chairs or something that's a very valid job there are no small jobs only small somalias yeah like joe joe you're what like five two five six that's like not that short. You jerk. I've been in the woods, right? It's been hard.

Don't take it out on me. That's what I won't stand for. I'll set out the chairs. I'll do it. I just, I, this is my home. And I wouldn't give that up for the world. I do have one request, though, if that's, if I may, if it pleases the court. You may. Joe has to set him up with me. No, I made my presentation. Mine went really well. I'm like, I like might win.

There's no way. Interesting. No, not really. Joe can't be in the running anymore. He has to set him up with me. That's my only, that's my. No way, no way. You know, on one hand,

Joe gave an excellent presentation and he was honestly in the top two. I was deciding between him and one other person to be a top sommelier on the other hand you stumbled in from the woods and you demanded that he do this with you and this puts me in a tough spot yeah put that on the scale we know which one is heavier we know which one is on top oh but both my hands are the same they weigh the same you know what i mean yeah They weigh the same. You know what I mean? Yeah, it does make it hard. You know what I mean?

It doesn't make any sense. What do you mean it doesn't? Yeah. This is really tough. Yeah. Not really. Weigh with your hands again. I can see how close you are.

No way. We've got to be a team. No fucking way. Thank you so much. My ruling is decreed, and so it is final. Two sommeliers, one folding chair job. Court is adjourned for the day. Thank you, Your Highness. Honor. God, I love to be queen. one folding chair job uh court is adjourned for the day thank you your highness honor

god i love to be queen i love to be queen of a small undisclosed location i pulled joe in by the collar i got your number now fucker i got you it's you and me you're never gonna escape me this went exactly how you wanted it to you didn't live in the woods i didn't live in the woods i lived in my mom's house for a piece of shit you're also not king sommelier so like how did this go well for you you brought you dragged us both down we could have both just it could if it couldn't be me it couldn't be it could have been you it had to be we if it couldn't be me it had to be we they start making out passionately oh i knew this would work out queen always knows the queen always knows. The queen always knows.

You know, you two have been displaying this for months. We're still making out. It was a will-they-won't-they situation. I just love Daenerys. I'll leave you alone for a moment. Oh, shirt's off. That's what I love about love. And love is a lot like wine.

Pants are unbuckling. Pants are a lot like wine. Pants are unbuckling. Pants are a lot like wine. Sometimes you don't smell it right away. Sometimes it hits you in the aftershock and you're like, whoa, what is this feeling? Okay, you're having sex. I'll go. The star filing in.

It's still happening. Everybody come in. Sit down, sit down. Isn't wine a lot like amour? When the wine hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. That's what I've always said. Anyway, there's some wine, there's some cheese.

Everybody filing, filing. The sex is impressive. Oh, and that's what happens. You have a little cab. They start setting up chairs in a circle around them so as not to disturb. Now I'll just move on to what I was saying before. You know, Merlots are a little bit more smooth this season.

They're on the lighter side. They're like screaming. And I, oh, no, there it is. Okay, well, you know, I would just like to propose a moment of silence for all the wines we've lost today. It's like, it's animal. What do you mean a moment of silence for all the wines we've lost? What do you mean, people who drank it? They've been drunk and we lost them.

We don't have them anymore. They're gone. Or just like the dregs of like a vat of wine that's been fermented that just wasn't enough to fill a whole bottle. So it kind of went to it. We had to throw it away. It's like a little in memoriam slideshow

of just like pictures of cellars. Just like puddles of red and white while they're fucking in the middle. People are weeping. Gone too soon.

I love their work. Do we have time for one more review? I have time. All right. I'm here. This is one star of Artisa Vineyards and Winery in Napa, California. This is from Alexandra M. Riley, do you have a last name?

Mammleton. Alexandra Mammleton. One star from March 14th last year. The worst experience. Our waiter had canned one-liners about each wine, and I don't think he knew much more. He served us our wines in the wrong order while we waited over 10 minutes between each servings.

We were obviously not a priority. We asked management to give us a new server and this was not honored. There was no follow-up regarding our concerns and the rest of our visit was cold and impersonal. Memorizing one-liners about each wine. Okay, wait, so one more time. So he had his one-liners about each wine. Okay, wait. So one more time. So he had his one-liners for every wine

and then left for a long time. Yeah, for like 10 minutes each. And he didn't know anything else about the wine except for the one-liners. If challenged even a little, he was stunned. There are those people who come into a conversation with like very specific little bits planned and if they don't respond the way you think they do, conversation with like very specific little bits planned.

And if they don't respond the way you think they do, they just like leave. They're it. That's it. It's a first date, one-on-one. I'm sorry. I'm just like usually better in group scenarios where, yeah, sorry. No, it's okay. Don't worry about it.

So I guess like, tell me a little bit more about you. I mean, like, I know you, you know, you're an artist, but like, is that when did your passion for painting start? Anything can be art. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I've never thought of it like that. But I guess so. Is that what you've always thought? Like growing up, like you just kind of took inspiration from anything.

So is that what you sorry, I might have m mumbled did you just take inspiration from anything do you mind if my friend joins us i'm just again i'm better with like not one-on-one scenarios if your friend joins us on our first date you're already here you already were waiting outside yeah he's sitting right behind me just in case i was waiting i was waiting for the cue which is a sniff of the nose it's a it's he kind of flexes nose when he needs me wow uh hi um i'm i'm june hi june nice to meet you i've already i mean obviously i've been listening no need to catch him up, yeah. I know the whole deal. Born in Alabama, moved to Portland, tried to pursue law for a little bit, dropped out to do pottery. Yeah. And honestly, I think that's

fantastic. Oh, thanks. I couldn't have said it better. Thank you, Benny. Benny, how do you know Todd? Well, he hired me about five years ago. Hired you? To be sort of a bounce off guy. Like, you know, some people are better in groups than one-off situations. So he'll throw out some one-liners. I'll bounce them off. I'll rally it back so that the conversation continues smoothly.

It's never too late to start a hobby. You better believe it isn't. I mean, my man, my man. So that's basically what I do i charge a hundred dollars an hour you know you honestly i can't believe you're that expensive i think this whole thing would have worked better if you didn't tell me what you do because now it's like i know what's happening right it's like he'll do a one-liner and i know that you're just here to make him look good so i know that is some feedback we have been getting. I will be honest.

So we're still trying to work out the marketing of it. Cut to a job interview. Okay. And so it looks like you only have a couple of months of experience. Could you give me more? I'm like, I'm good with people. You're good with people. Sure. I mean, I don't know.

On our listing it actually says we're looking for two plus years of experience so uh you're great with people what's that oh my man's great with people people person is what i think shelly how did he get into this meeting uh through the rafters look i am a guy who he bounces stuff off with. Short answer, he pays me $100 and I make the conversation run Benny smoothly. Run what? Benny smoothly.

You know, like very smoothly. My name is Benny. Anyway, here's my card. Obviously, both of you could have my office. Adobe suite? That's pretty sweet and I know it. Oh, and my man knows candy. Cut to Todd proposing. Lance, it's been, uh...

Fuck. It's been fuck? It's been a fucking rock and roll time getting to be your fiance. Benny, can you give us one moment, please? He's on his knee.

I can see... I go where I'm contracted. I can stop talking, but I will have to sit on a folding chair that's part of the contract. It's a liability thing if I leave before the hour's up. Then he has a bad back. So he has to sit in a real chair.

Yeah, I have a brace. Okay, get a chair. I want Todd to do this himself. This could be a huge moment in both of our lives. And like, I've seen you around, but just let him do this one on his own, please. All right, let me just drag this chase lounge over from on it's so loud how does that make you sound on the sand this is a crazy chair i'll tell you that todd if you can really do this then i think we have a

future together but if if you will always need benny i don't i don't think we can we can move it forward at all i shoot benny a look no don't look a look. No, don't look at him. Look at me. Don't look at him. Look at me. Go on, man. I take out some props. Love is like the queen of hearts

because you're the queen of my heart. I nervously look at Benny again. Shoots me a thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Top hat because you're the tallest. The top of my world. The top of my world top of my world benny that's once you're so let's strike two okay save my lips throw away the key a swatch of denim because the only thing stronger than our love is salvage sand from this very beach that may we might

remember this moment for the rest of our lives. Oh, shit. I forgot the tobacco. Tobacco? The loose leaf tobacco, yeah. Look over here. I look over. I toss him a pack of loose leaf tobacco.

I get it. It's a huge logo that says cha. I pull it out. Loose leaf tobacco. That fun may always be a part of our lives together sorry this was product placement for my loose leaf tobacco brand all right that's it i'm done i'm done no that's that's that's it oh come on just try it just try it it's so smooth it smokes benny smoothly it's yeah on the back of it, it smokes Benny smoothly.

It smokes Benny smoothly. This should be long. Long. Incredible. We got to put that on a shirt. We'll give you a cut of the merch. Benny smoothly. Benny smoothly. Benny smoothly.

You know, like very smoothly anyway. Okay, that's what I was worried you were doing. So we've kind of talked about, you just met me now, Kylie, but I've always been like a tight haircut guy. And now like my hair's really long. Not really long, but like longer than it's ever been. Yeah, I was gonna say you look like a loose haircut guy.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'm glad you didn't because that that one comment's actually gonna stick me with me for like the next two weeks i'll like be like lying awake trying to sleep um no but tomorrow marks uh march 3rd a calendar year since my last haircut that's the longest i've ever not had a haircut for so that's um and i'll insert like an applause sound effect here so thank you very much but uh it's crazy it's like i i don't know it i don't have much else to say it's just like that's a novel idea to me that i haven't gotten a haircut in a year yeah that's crazy i definitely like the first time i went was like mid pandemic just because my ends were like so frayed. And I treated it like a hospital PPE situation where I was like two masks.

Yeah. But no face shield. You didn't astronaut it. I didn't do the face shield. I felt like it would be hard for Eric to work with me. I just want to make Eric's life easier. At all costs. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'm not going to make my hairdresser inconvenienced. I don't know when I'm going to get it cut, but. Would you cut it yourself? No, that's part of the issue. I want Christina to do it.

You have, she's, Christina is basically the, if what Eric is to Kylie, Christina is to me. I just took a PSAT, but. Nice.

Simile. I don't trust anybody but christina like just with your hair or just kind of generally no like it's trust issues outside of the shop the barber shop uh bang bang la i think it's called now because but christina you know i know what i'm getting with her i get a miller high life i get to sit in the chair and uh same thing every time one does she give you a miller high life i get to sit in the chair and uh same thing every time one does she give you a miller high life yes and they're like they're like eight ounce bottles so they're basically like a bottle like that's this big and it looks like a bulb um that's awesome just cuz

she's great um but uh yeah if you're in la and do want to get a haircut go to christina mack and tell her jeffrey sent you um But that's what's been shaking me. What about you guys? I have something that's been shaking me. I don't know if this is a recent show that's come out or if it is from a while ago, but I've been watching Surviving Death on Netflix, which is about like-

What is that? So it's, I highly recommend it. It's about like near death experiences, messages from beyond the grave and like mediums. It's very like, what is soul? What is consciousness? Like blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

What is Sal? What is everything? But they have like a, okay. So they have like a, what is it is it called okay so they have a near death experience episode where it's like all very legitimate things of like oh my god i saw my father i saw everything i saw like and a lot of the medium stuff is very legitimate and it feels very real but there was this one medium who does these like, like possession seances where she claims that like a team of ghosts, like it's four ghosts and they're the same team of ghosts every time

overtake her body to deliver messages, but they are all straight up groundlings characters. And it made me laugh so hard. Like, she's like, are you ready for Frida to enter the circle? And everyone's like, yes, welcome Frida. And, she's like, are you ready for Frida to enter the circle? And everyone's like, yes, welcome, Frida. And then she's like, hello,

I'm Frida the Ghost. And then she had one that was like, okay, Frida's leaving. Now it's time for Tommy Boy. And then, like, Tommy Boy would take over, and he's this little British orphan. And I's this little British orphan. And I wish, I'm not joking,

he was like, Hello, I'm Tommy Boy. How do you... And this is a respected medium who people pay a lot of money to go see. And she's like, I'm Tommy Boy, and does anyone have a father named Jonathan in the room? And it's the same team of ghosts every time.

Team of ghosts. They all work together on this one. She refers to it as like my spirit team. Oh my God. Spirit team. Assemble. Frida, Tommy boy. Like, that's amazing.

The idea that she would name him Tommy boy. He dresses himself as that. Like, I would believe it if it were like, this is like, I'm Alexander. I am this person. Tommy boy. Why would a British orphan from 1850 know the phrase Tommy boy boy why would he use it

tommy boy i'm gonna check that out you have to it's uh i think it's episode two or three is when they go to the mediums oh my god my face hurts i have to see that um that so similarly my what shook me is a netflix show that was recommended to me recommended to me by a friend as a show she's like i've been watching this show it's not good but you gotta watch it um it's called canine intervention and it's basically like bad dog whisperer. And so it's an unscripted reality show about this guy named Jazz who runs a dog training facility in near Oakland, I think. And so each episode, it's like 30 minutes and it's it's him going to different dogs each episode. And so each of the episodes is named after the dog that he's working with.

The episodes that I couldn't recommend enough are the first and the third. The first one's named Lady Macbeth. And the third one is, it might be the third one, but the episode's called Heaven. Wait, and they're named after the dog? So yeah, so the first dog is named Lady Macbeth

and the third dog is named Heaven. A dog named Heaven is like so sensual in a way that I don't like. So Heaven is a one-year-old multi-poo who is not the breed i want the whole concept of this episode is that like the mom has been treating this dog like a human child and like putting little booties on her and like putting her in a stroller and dresses and so they're trying to teach his dog to like be a dog. The dog doesn't want to walk on grass or anything because the mom has like basically trained it not to.

And so he's like, well, she's a dog, right? It's like, doesn't, it doesn't matter. She needs to be on wet grass. She can be on concrete. And she's like, well, she can be on grass, but not wet grass. And then he's like, right, this is, this is a dog. And like, they're on a walk

and this guy's just shitting on the mom the entire time. The amount of times he's like, right. So all these things that are wrong with the dog, it's not Andrew's fault. It's your fault. Right? Like you got to take the videos off the dog. So all the problems are actually stemming from you. And she's like, yeah, I got it. I got it. And so they're on a walk and he takes Andrew far. Like he's like, Hey man, let's walk up a little bit in front, in front of your mom and your brother. And he's like, listen, you're the big dog now. All right. You can do this. Like, I believe that you can do it. It's just, hey, man, let's walk up a little bit in front, in front of your mom and your brother. And he's like, listen, you're the big dog now, all right? You can do this.

Like, I believe that you can do it. It's just the issues aren't you. It's your mom. Your mom actually doesn't know how to take care of this dog. And this poor little 12-year-old kid, it doesn't know how to respond to this guy just, like, shitting on his mom. Like, you're the man of the house now. He literally says that.

He's like, you're the man. And the kid, like, looks at the camera in a testimony. He's like, I'm the man. And the kid's like, looks at the camera in a testimony. He's like, I'm the man of the house. It's so insane. It's so good. And the guy in the first episode clearly just wants to fuck his dog. Everyone should watch Game of Intervention. Oh, good.

Good, good, good, good, good. It's really. I love that. It's beautiful. The way he talks about her. He's like, I can't wait to go to bed every night knowing that she'll be there with her legs draped across my body. It's like, I don't think so. I don't think so.

No, no, no, no. I don't like it. Kylie, plugs. Point the people to what do you have going on. Amazing. I don't have anything super specific at the moment, but you can follow me at DeadeyeBreakman on Twitter, Instagram, and if you're a teen, TikTok. And I will update you on stuff I have going on.

Yay! Hell yeah. You're welcome back on the show anytime. You can follow Riley on Instagram, on Twitter, and the show on Instagram, the show on Twitter, and on Reddit, r slash Review Review.

And you can follow And on Reddit, r slash Review Review. Yes, yeah, yeah. And you can follow Jeff on Instagram at Jeffrey James and on Twitter at Jeff Boyardee. Kylie, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much, yeah. Thank you for having me. I had a blast. Absolutely.

This was a ball. And a little plug I'd like to make for Into the Mist. We still have that discount code for Review Review listeners. If you came and used it last week on March 5th, it is still going. This coming Friday, March 12th, you can get 10% off your ticket with the promo code REVIEW, R-E-V-I-E-W, at checkout when you go to intothemiss.net slash tickets um again for those of you don't know it is a night out on the town from your own home um in 1927 it is like it is a virtual experience where you got a little bit of everything you got music you've got dance you've

got comedy you've got magic you've got contortion it won't jeff is not a contortionist he's not in the show but if you want to come. Well, I could do the splits if I show up. I guess. So again, Review Review listeners get 10% off with the code REVIEW. And a huge thank you to our VI podcast, Aaron Carrico. Ah, Brendan Metz. Adam Shea.

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episode of review review and uh kylie also we should have said when she was on but kylie was like one of our most requested guests so also also if you guys ever, you know, want to see somebody else on the show, let us know on Discord or, you know, in the subreddit and we'll try to get them on. But we'll see you guys again next week. Or not. Or not.

Ideally you listen again next week. Ideally you listen because we'd love to keep, we like doing the show. So want to do Arrivedere? Or do you want me to do Arrivedere? You can do it. I just like, I'm bummed. Cause like, I truly fear fear i truly fear that she that was a hit gum original