REWILD + FREE - 37. SELF-REGULATION AND MAINTAINING PRESENCE WITH CONSCIOUS PARENTING EXPERT, SHRUTI KUMAR

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

In this episode, I'm joined by Shruti Kumar, a parenting coach. Together, we dive deep into the topic of conscious parenting and explore the importance of connection, nervous system regulation, and personal discovery in raising the future generation. Shruti shares her personal journey and how she switched careers to focus on motherhood and parenting. We discuss the challenges of balancing entrepreneurship and being present with children, while emphasizing the need for self-care and creating pockets of time for ourselves. Throughout this episode, we also explore: what conscious parenting actually meansviewing behaviour as communication of met or unmet needsthe importance of rupture and repairhow to model repair to our children and seeing ruptures as opportunities for growth and connectionsimplifying self-care and not measuring self worth solely by productivityShruti offers us practical tools and insights for nurturing a deep connection with our little ones while maintaining a strong connection to Self. Meet Shruti: Shruti Kumar is an international lawyer turned full time parent coach. She found her passion in conscious parenting during Covid and after having her second child. She helps parents with all kinds of parenting challenges and helps them raise resilient kids through connection, empathy and joy. She offers awareness, tools and strategies that help parents move from overwhelm and exhaustion to more presence and ease. Connect with Shruti on IG (@Empowered.Connections)Shruti has generously offered anyone who listens 20% off her services , simply reference this podcast when bookingConnect with Nicole on IG (@nicolepasveer)Want to be a guest on the podcast?  Fill out this form

our children don't trigger us. It's like you have an open wound and somebody touches it, it hurts, right? It's like that. It's like, you know, probably you didn't have much of a voice growing up or, you know, you have constantly lived with this belief that my voice doesn't matter or what I have to say is not important. So when a child kind of interrupts, it feels like they are like attacking you, but that's not the case you're listening to rewild and free this is the go-to podcast for conscious and holistic mother entrepreneurs who are ditching society's to-do list for intentional living freedom and abundance while creating impact and legacy in their home and business if we haven't met yet i'm nicole

pasvir your like-hearted mom friend and biz bestie wrapped in one. I'm an ex-nurse turned matrescence guide and business coach leading women just like you into the new paradigm. Where thriving in motherhood is your birthright and so is a successful and sustainable online business. Keep listening if you're ready to unsubscribe from patriarchal motherhood, bro marketing, and boss babe culture. Because in this space, we use nature as our framework as we move towards feminine embodied business development, cyclical orientation, and slow living. Together, let's rewild and remember as we break free from survival and reconnect to what truly matters.

Okay friend, steep your tea and take the most loving breath you've given to yourself today and let's go. Welcome to another episode. This is episode 37 on the Rewild and Free podcast and today I'm joined by Shruti from empowered.connections on Instagram and Shruti really helps us simplify what conscious parenting actually means and gives us some really tangible strategies on things like self-regulation and being present and forming really strong connections with our children as well as just some super simple strategies on how to actually give ourselves the self-care and tending to that we need I love this conversation

because I think I know for myself and I'm going to assume for a lot of you listening we are already on this conscious parenting journey and we might not even have the language to be able to explain what it is we are doing but Shruti really helps to actually explain some of that. It was a really validating conversation for me and I think you are going to enjoy it as well. You and I haven't actually had a chance to really connect yet. So I'm really looking forward to this conversation and hearing more about your story and who you are and what you're doing in your corner of the internet and just your experience into motherhood and entrepreneurship.

So yeah, if you'd like, do you want to give a quick introduction of yourself and just what you do? Yeah, sure. So hi, Nicole, and everyone who's listening. I'm so excited to be here and share about myself and what I do with all of you. So yes, my name is Shruti, and I am a mom to two kids. I have a six-year-old and a two-year-old. And I was an international lawyer, turned into a full-time parent coach now. And I think I switched paths. I changed my career direction during COVID. That's when I kind of leaned into motherhood even more and understood um like because I'm a lawyer like research really excites me so I wanted to understand parenthood more deeply and I was like exploring all these different styles of

parenthood and um I was going through like postpartum and uh postpartum depression myself and um I was diagnosed with PTSD when I got pregnant the second time because I didn't process my birth the first time around so it was I I went through a lot of therapy and inner work and that's when I realized that there is so much to parenting and you know it's just it's just it's just so hard and you can never ever be prepared enough and um after I had my son I decided to I experienced some disconnection with my daughter there was like I mean things completely changed when I had a second kid and I really didn't want to lose that connection and I wasn't liking how I was showing up so I decided to work with a coach and then I decided to study and brain science and emotional regulation

and all the amazing things which I wish I was taught when I was younger or at school because I think that is what we need to learn right and that's that's when I realized that you know this is my calling and this is what I'm really really passionate about and that's when I decided to start my own business and support parents because I knew even while I was struggling that I wasn't the only one struggling with you know with big feelings and not knowing what to do and feeling helpless and powerless and so that's how my journey as a coach began. And I feel like it's a lot of work because, you know, running a business is a lot of work, but it is so rewarding. And I would do this any day because it's like we are raising future leaders, right? So it is important that we are giving them what they need, right?

Like we are giving, we are being the parents that we can be for them the best version. Of course, perfect parent is never a goal because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. So my goal is to help parents by offering them awareness and tools and strategies, you know, that are rooted in connection and emotional intelligence

and, you know, raise resilient leaders for for tomorrow so that's what I do and I'm really proud of of the work I do so yeah I'm really excited to be here and talk to you about this today I love all of that and I think I mean you already said it like you're not the only one that has gone through that right like so many women so many mothers are experiencing a lot of what you just shared that you had experienced and so I love that you have kind of been able to take your experience learn from it actually study it and and gain certifications it. And now you're kind of sharing those gifts with other mothers as they're experiencing something similar. And something that really struck me is the fact that we are raising like tomorrow's generation. That's something that sits really,

really big in my heart. It's something that I think about often in my own mothering and in my own like daily action is that this is the future of tomorrow right and that that impact and that I don't even see it so much as pressure but more so this great honor that we get to be a part of generational change and it's almost like this making of a legacy so I love that aspect of it so much I love the aspect of just generational change and being able to really shift the narrative on just how things look in in this next generation absolutely yeah and also like as a mom of two kids myself, like I appreciate how overwhelming and exhausting parenthood can be. And it's it feels like a lot because it is a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I often say like if it's feeling hard, it's because it is hard. Right. Like you're not

making that up, that that weight and that pressure and that like feeling of inadequacy that so many women are feeling. It's real and it's valid. And there's obviously so many different moving parts to why women are feeling that way and kind of why society is the way that it is. And that could be a whole other conversation, but I can see how valuable the work you're doing um really is because it starts with the mother it starts with the parent and we can't expect change if if we aren't kind of doing the inner work first so maybe it's like why don't we actually before we get into it I have been asking everyone that comes on the show what book they're reading or what book you read most recently if you're a reader yeah so I um I was reading this book called body keeps score um

wait I forgot the author I'm really bad at this and uh I mean I thought this is going to be like a light read but this was like wow it blew my mind because it was like there is so so many signs that our body gives us that you know you are exhausted and you need a break and we keep pushing through because we live in this hustle culture where we we feel like if we are not doing what we need to do then we're not doing enough but yeah and that that puts so much pressure pressure on ourselves like I mean I wake up in the morning and I start my day with a to-do list and I used to feel disappointed at the end of the day if I'm not able to accomplish it but then that was kind of like taking the joy out of my life and I was like no this this I don't want it to be like this yes it's good to have because I I do the

to-do list more for myself for like a kind of sense of direction of okay this is what I need to do today but then I can't it can't be like a mandatory deadline that you need to I would like to do xyz and then I like now I've kind of tried to bring in balance by saying okay what is actually priority in this list and you know is this even realistic with, you know, while running a business, while taking care of your home, and you have all this admin work to do, and then there are two kids that you need to take care of, and, you know, be there and be present. And so that, and there is only so much time. So how can we create value in that time, instead of putting

pressure on ourselves, then you know beating ourselves about it right so it's really um yeah that is that was one of the one of the big things for me that as moms and because you as you mentioned correctly the society we live in the social media comparisons and so many things where we feel like oh my god how is she doing it all you know she must be like a super mom so so it it can all feel like really challenging and you can always feel like you're not enough you're not doing enough and um yeah that is something that a lot of moms that I've worked with also uh believe about themselves and um a lot of them feel that they cannot take up space you know they have to kind of

just be there to fulfill everyone's needs around them and that's what leaves them drained and burnt out right like yeah it's like this cycle so yeah so so yeah that's what like um in this book like I why I was like so blown away was because it talks about really simple things. Just like, like listening to your body, like noticing what is happening for us, like bringing awareness to how we are feeling, you know, having those quick check-ins with ourselves during the day, like, okay, how, what am I feeling right now? And, you know, just naming it because that helps us process what's happening. And a lot of the times we don't even have that one minute to sit and connect with ourselves. And so, so this book was like, yeah, really amazing. Highly recommend. It's actually been on my list for probably close to two years now. I was just looking,

cause I think it's on my bookshelf, but I'm not seeing it. I'm pretty sure it's there. But there's a couple of things that you just shared that I want to kind of zoom in on and I think one of them is like we we say that we don't have time for like that one minute of connecting to ourselves and I think that is such an easy thing to just kind of spit out of our mouths and we all do it right we say oh like I don't have time for that I don't have time for that and I think we really need to start switching the the talk and like it's like well I'm choosing not to make time for that and it comes to priorities so when you're speaking about your to-do list like it's not so much about these are the mandatory things I need to get done instead it's almost just this visual for you to start seeing, okay, these are my priorities. This is how I want to

spend time in my day. This is where I want to be intentional. And I love that because I think so many women as they enter motherhood, there's this perpetual feeling of never completing anything, right? There's always laundry to do. There's always toys to pick up. There's always something. There's never that feeling of completing something. And yeah, it's just like a really, it can be a really confronting feeling, I think, for women and mothers if they've spent a lot of their lives in a more like masculine energy and in a more like kind of, I'm kind of thinking like the corporate world where you're you're working a nine to five you're out of the house you have literal literal tasks that you get to cross off your to-do list each day and you kind of close the computer at five

o'clock you come home and it's things are just very compartmentalized motherhood is not like that motherhood is not compartmentalized at all right you've kind of named that already that there's just there's always things to do um I would love to hear I guess your expertise on how to actually take care of ourselves as a mother so like that self-regulation piece and really connecting to ourselves what are your what are your go-to strategies for that yeah so so first of all I want all the moms to understand the value that they bring into this world even like it it's like it's for all moms stay-at-home moms moms with a business and like whatever mom's going to jobs nine to five that if if you just pause and think about what would happen if everything that you do needs to be replaced by somebody who provides these services like you hire a cleaner you hire a nanny you hire a person to run your business to do you know do

your um run your social media account to to be the nanny and you know cleaning whatever whatever roles that you do in a day you all all that you accomplish if that was to be replaced by somebody else I think we will be spending a lot of money right so it's because a lot of people feel like I was home all day but I still didn't get anything done right because the idea of multitasking is so glorified especially for women right like it's it's it's almost like the expected thing right like and and like women who get a lot done are praised by our society right like I was just going to bring that up that so many women myself included have kind of been victimized by just social constructs that have led us to believe that our worth is measured by our productivity right so if we don't get things done if we were just a potato on the couch all day then we're

not worthy and we're not fill in the blank of whatever like negative self-talk you might be calling yourself but it can get really ugly sometimes because we are so ingrained to believe that our worth is dependent on the completion of that to-do list absolutely so um and and like being a parent comes with its own set of challenges and parenting can feel extremely relentless because you're kind of stripped of your ability to take care of your own needs and like experience sensory overstimulation and exhaustion and have like really little space to decompress little to no space because sometimes like there are days where I feel like I'm hiding in my bathroom just to just just to like just be with nobody needing

me for two minutes right like? Like, so modern parenthood is hard and relentless because of the constant transitioning, the overpacked schedules, the clutter, the comparison. And there are so many reasons why, you know, parenting can be hard. And if you are somebody who runs their own business, that comes with your own, you know, that own set of challenges. Like, I'm not just a coach in my business I have to do the planning the strategy the marketing the sales the reaching out and then the following up and the networking and the putting yourself out there so it's it's a lot so sometimes I experience what we call analysis paralysis like where I have so many decisions to make and I don't know how to

decide. So I end up taking no action, right? Because it feels like a lot, right? So, or I will do the laundry and the chores and the cooking, and I'll be with the kids, I'll do everything in my power to kind of procrastinate what, you know, whatever need and work I need to put in my business. So it's because it's like I'm I'm avoiding it right so running both running a business and raising kids is hard and when we have a deadly combination of both we need a new approach and that I've learned in the last two years of doing this that and I think I know like a lot of people may roll their eyes if I if I say self-care but I think the first and the most crucial thing to understand here is that

taking care of you means taking care of your business. Taking care of you means taking care of your kids. So it all begins with you. And it is very easy to lose yourself while raising kids and while running a business. Because running your own business is also like having another child right so it's I always like I make that joke but in all seriousness like it is another baby right your business is another baby and I think the the piece around self-care really is so important and I speak about that a lot and I'm really passionate about flipping the script on like self-care isn't selfish.

It's selfless, right? Because it's so sustaining your own cup. Exactly. It's a form of sustainability. And further than sustainability, it's really regeneration, right? It's literally filling up the cups of other people just by filling your own cup so that you can start serving from a place of overflow, whether it's your kids, whether it's your partner, whether it's your business. But if you are continually serving from this place of underflow, then that's not sustainable. That's going to send you into survival mode and depletion and all the things that like we don't actually want to be be living in we want to be thriving so yeah so that's that's like the first step like because it is really important to like tell ourselves each day that this all will work well if you are well yeah like filling gas in the car right like you can't drive the car without it having gas in it

yeah and and and also like it's also the idea of self-care is also often misunderstood right like self-care is not only something that is nice to have but something we cannot do without it has to so you won't believe but my things to accomplish accomplish list has also five minutes or 10 minutes in a day to myself. And I put that as a priority. Like this is this is P1, you know, this needs to be done. So it's amongst the so I put things also like pick up kids. Will I, you know, can I avoid picking up kids? No. Right. I can't just leave them at school and see you in a few days. So so I put it along with those activities that this is I need to do this.

Right. And then like and also like it's it is something that we have to understand that I have to do this for myself. So I am able to be a present mom and a business owner and show up for both those roles. Right. And I hear this from a lot of moms that we don't have time to engage in self-care. And that's why I said that self-care is often misunderstood. Self-care is essentially a ritual that helps you connect with yourself, okay?

It's caring for your mind, your body, and your spirit. And while a massage and bubble bath sounds great, it's not something you can do on an everyday basis. And it's really important to create those pockets of time where you're able to fill your cup, right? Because it's really hard to be a safe place for your kids when your needs are not getting met, right? You are more likely to snap at them when you are irritable or you're exhausted and you're tired, right? When you feel touched out and unsupported, you're not going to be able to be present right you cannot handle anyone and handle anyone's big feelings if you are depleted and like exhausted and at the end

of your rope right it's that's why self-care is essential because so that's why it's priority like it we have to sometimes I feel like even if I don't I'm not able to do that in a day because I have kids all day with me or I have calls back to back I make it a point to just put the kids in the car and just go drive around the block sometimes if you know to just and and I put music on that I like and some days that is self-care so yeah well and I like how like you do have to be creative about it right because it's not about massages and bubble baths it's about how do you fit this into your life even when life gets crazy so yeah I love your example of of driving around in the car with music on for me that often looks like yeah like music on in the house and it's like a dance party or even

as I'm taking sips of tea it's like okay before I take sips of tea can I literally just reconnect to my breath take a couple deep breaths and it can be that simple and I think we we get hung up on okay well if I have to have self-care on my to-do list and it's like how am I gonna get child care how am I gonna get someone to watch the kids while I go get a pedicure oh I can't afford that I can't spend money on myself and it becomes this like long list of I can't I can't have self-care I'm not worthy of self-care and it's like no get creative with your self-care and make it so it's yes so right now just really doable every day exactly so right now for example I'm solo parenting and there is no point in my day where I can just pass on the torch to my husband and be like here you go you have the kids in the, I'm solo parenting and there is no point in my day where I can just pass on the torch to my husband and be like, here you go.

You have the kids in the house. I'm getting out for a walk. So today I played hide and seek with my kids and hid behind the curtain and took some deep breaths. And I just like let them find me because I was like, I need this. I need these five minutes to myself. So I'm just going to not say a word until they find me and let them just look all over the house. And for them, it was like, oh, mama's heading somewhere. It's fun.

So you're right. We have to get creative about this and like, you know, find that opportunity because if it's really important to you, you will do it, right? Like, yeah. When I want to, I want to come, I want to come back to that example, because what I could see happening for a lot of mothers is they're already doing that, but they're not necessarily being intentional with that time.

So they're already playing with their kids. They're already putting music on and having a dance party. They're already playing hide and seek. They're already behind the curtain. But if they're not intentional with that time and actually taking those deep breaths then it's not actually self-care right so the creativity of it is how do you use the time that you're already having the experiences that you're already sharing with your kids and actually sprinkle some some self-love into them and some like reconnection so I love that that's a. Yeah. And like a lot of parents, because I feel like moving our body, getting out is really

important and it's not always possible. Like I live in the Netherlands. There was a storm today. I mean, the trees were falling. It was just horrible day and we couldn't get out. So it is important to have that dance party and just move our body. It's great for our nervous system, right? Like sometimes I feel feel angry, I'm like, just shaking my fingers and, you know, getting it all out. So it is important, like you said, intentionality creates, you know, a positive self care experience. And also, we are mindful, we are like, this has to be done, right? Like, can you just go through your day without cooking a meal for your kids it's like that important and crucial that it needs to be done and it is something that

you really honor and you're not willing to give up so yeah so often like it's seen as it's seen as selfish but honestly nothing would everything in your household, your kids, your environment is surviving because of you. So if you are not taking care of you, everything will crumble. So and it's the same for business, right? Like you're playing so many roles. I don't have a team to do my taxes, my admin, my social media posts or my bookkeeping or whatever it is that needs to be done so we have to understand that first of all we are worthy we bring we are doing all of these things and it can be a lot because it is a lot right so another thing along in the

same line as self-care would be the importance of planning and time management so um when I was not intentional about it I was just getting through my day I was not able to get much done but then I I kind of like worked it like okay this is my child's routine and now where which part of the day what what tasks can I do? You know, so that's also why that my list, the morning list comes in handy, because I can see, okay, right now, I'm just driving to pick up my child from school, I can do all the booking dentist appointment and those kinds of things in this time. So it's really important that we are intentional about how we spend time, right? And so when I look at this list, also I'm trying to make sure that I'm not putting a lot of

pressure on myself that, okay, I got this much done. It's also kind of important to ground in your strengths, right? Otherwise, we'll always keep stressing about what we couldn't do, right? So it's important to also notice what is going well, because that is we learn from our positive, when somebody acknowledges what we do positive, right? So sometimes we have to do it for ourselves, we have to acknowledge that, hey, you got quite a lot done today. And you know, tomorrow's a new day, we we'll try again the things that we couldn't do will it's on for tomorrow right yeah I've been implementing what I call a tada list so at the end of the day instead of instead of just kind of perseverating on the to-do list and all the things I didn't get done I write out a tada list and I actually start paying attention and bringing my awareness to all the things I did get done and even if they're really little

and things that I don't even feel like took much energy, the longer that list gets, like the better I feel, right? Because we are still seeking that feeling of accomplishment. And yes, I think it takes it takes a lot of work to unlearn some of that conditioning. So yeah, that's something that I've been implementing that has been really supportive and helping me see some of the things that I need to celebrate and like it's just so easy to miss yeah of course that that's a that's a nice one I'm gonna try that yeah there you go exactly no it's great and I think um yeah it's just, yeah, it's a good one to try. I had a question, though, for you in terms of time management. Like, I feel like just looking at the different seasons of motherhood, and I mean, I'm only two years in and I only have one child, so I only have

my own experience to go off of. But I imagine the routines and the time blocking that you can kind of set aside for yourself looks a lot different with like a school-aged kid and you know you're driving your kid to school at this time you know you're picking them up at this time you can kind of have these like set windows of time what is your advice for mothers who are really in the thick of like the newborn toddler season where there's so much unpredictability and um you really don't have any like I'm still I'm still bed sharing with my daughter too so I'm literally with her 24 hours a day yeah so as a as a new mom like because I also have a two-year-old who just decided to come back sick from daycare today so so you still get it you're still in the thick of it yes yes yes so so it is kind of um so you've seen a notebook right like a notebook always has these margins right and we can write our text in the main column and then we can take notes in the margins but what happens is that

especially in the in the new born kind of the zero to before the school age like zero to the preschooler age we need margins right like notebooks also have margins but our lives are kind of overflowing on the sides on the pages and and that's why no wonder like we can't handle anymore because there's no more space left. So creating that margin is... No wonder. No wonder. I love this analogy. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's like it's really helpful. So your kids will fall sick inevitably and something will happen that you did not anticipate. And that's why you need those margins because if you're not overloaded, you're not overshadowed, you can manage the situations better when you're running or bursting at scenes, right? Like, and it's one of the most important things is to learn to say no, right? Like, because every time you say no to something, you're saying yes to something else. So it's like, if there's a social gathering on Saturday, and I've had like a hard week, do I really need to go for this one or can I'm just going to say

you know what I'm not feeling up to it so thanks but no thanks you know and when it kind of comes back to that intentionality right is being really intentional with where you choose to spend your time knowing that like every choice you make is potentially dripping into those margins yes yes so it's it's like we have to sometimes say yes to downtime we have to say yes to extra sleep to or to being a potato we have to create margin for that like okay you know what I work Mondays and Thursdays I've had a really hard two weeks because I'm solo parenting so next Thursday I am not going to do anything because it's so because you know and this comes from understanding like why presence is so important right like presence is

what it's like it helps us listening to our heart rather than the messages from the world right because you will always have things to do it's's like, you can never say that, oh, you know what, I don't have anything to do today, unless you decide that there is nothing to do today. So presence is like that returning point that it's a place that you can always come back to. And when you let go of what doesn't truly matter, you can grasp at what really does, right? Like, you cannot overhaul your life and and you know stop with all your responsibilities as an adult but you can start with creating those little pockets of time where I push all the distraction away right like for example I often talk about connecting with

kids right because often a lot of people say yeah but we are with our kids all day we are bathing them feeding them but those are all your rituals, right? Like those are all your routine rituals that need to be done, right? But connecting with them, with just doing something that they enjoy is also important, right? So again, intentionality. So sometimes I just go hands-free to my family, putting everything else away so that I can be available. So that's like being, you know, that five or 10 minutes completely available to my world, the world that, you know, matters the most to me. And, you know, how do I feel then? So it's like practicing this when we can, not when like our days are truly packed packed but let's say I have an easy day so you

know what today I'm going to try and be present for five minutes with my kid and just listen to them ramble about whatever is important to them you know just joining them in their inner world right like my two-year-old sometimes just talks about trains because he really loves trains and he will sometimes say the same thing over and over and I'm like just there I'm not just like okay yeah whatever I'm just like looking at my phone so it is important to create and not just with your kids even just with yourself okay you know what five minutes I'm not going to just scroll at social media pointlessly and you know just going to just be with myself and maybe sometimes I put a guided

meditation on to you know guide me through whatever I'm thinking or whatever is coming up for me to just understand that so it's really important to take those breaks through your day even if it is like a quick check-in with yourself okay hey y, z done. How are you feeling right now? And you know, you still have four more hours to go. And these things to accomplish looks like you'll be able to do it. So I mean, some days, I feel like I'm an insane person talking to myself. But I feel like that's important. Because when I, when I create that awareness of what's happening for me, and I name it, I'm able to process it. and I'm able to move forward it's not like life is kind of just happening to me I'm kind of you know living while it's happening yeah well and it gives

back that sense of control too right like when you start realizing wait I am actually aware of what's going on and I have control over the next action I take I think that's a big piece to it right is we can kind of start running on autopilot and not even not even being aware of what we're doing because we're doing the same thing over and over and over again and sometimes those tasks can get really boring and feel mundane but yeah as soon as you really drop back into the present open up your senses really like open up your awareness yeah I love that you brought that up so so that's also why like open up your senses that's a very good one because it's really like a lot of us kind of live with a really compromised nervous system so it's also like

really important even if it's like just standing in your backyard for two minutes in whatever state you're in to just like take a few deep breaths because you know when you're outside in the nature that's the only time all of your sense organs are engaged and just a change of scene like for example if your kids are screaming while you're cooking dinner it can feel really overstimulating right Like you're trying to get chopped this one thing and your child is at your feet, like pulling your pants and saying, mama, mama, mama, it can feel like a lot. But that's why like, sometimes I just take my kids stand in the backyard, and they're just like running wild and screaming, because that kind of changes our perception of that sound. When we we step outside that same sound doesn't feel as

much as bothering as you know it would feel inside so it's also kind of important to listen okay you know what this feels like a lot let's just chop us up turn the gas off and we all get out because it's important and after five minutes we come back in and, you know, we go back into doing whatever we are doing. So it's really important to, if I, or I could just what we are thinking how we are perceiving the world around us right like and and I think that's also a way we can build emotional intelligence in our kids right like when we and and it's important to be really authentic um you know with even with our children like I'm I'm sure like I at least I come from a house where my parents did not want to show me the hard things that they went through so um but that leaves me with no idea what to do when I go through hard things right yeah exactly it hasn't really been modeled to us yes so it's really

important to be authentic about it and sometimes I uh tell my daughter that, you know what, today I'm not feeling 100%. Today I'm like at a 20%. So, you know, if you see something a little off, or I'm not as cheerful, it's not anything to do with you. It's just I have a lot going on right now, right? Like, so, of course, I'll explain it in an age appropriate way to a six year old and a two year old. It's not like burdening them with, you know, oh, you know what? You have to take care of my feelings now. It's more like it's more like, you know, because they do notice when things are not 100 percent. OK, so it's important that we are authentic and we are like able to own it because children also especially younger kids they they kind of are at a very egocentric stage of development where anything that goes wrong in their environment

they kind of feel it's because of them so they like internalize it yeah so like the other day I was having an argument with my six-year-old and my two-year-old was watching us argue and I think I screamed at my daughter and he he looked at me and he said are you mad at me I'm scared and that was like that stopped me right in my tracks and I was like oh no I'm so sorry that came out wrong it's got nothing to do with you you're fine I got angry and I need to do a better job handling how I communicate right so it is like yeah so it was it was like a wake-up call to understand that we have to be mindful about what we are modeling for our kids so and and self-care was also something that we need to model otherwise they are also going to grow up and feel like they just need to take care of everyone's needs and you know they come last so it's really important to

um yeah so first of all yeah know your words you you are invaluable your house won't function without you and yes like prioritize that you, yourself, because it all begins with you. So and like practicing presence, because that is that is something that so many of us don't do. We are like just kind of getting through the day, like wake up in the morning, go to work, come back, eat dinner and go to sleep. It's like, yeah, as you said, the word is intentionality. It's really important to be intentional about how we want to show up in our business and also in our capacity as a parent. I think you said something around like multitasking. And I think so many of us have been praised for so long for our multitasking abilities.

And that has really done a disservice to how we show up as mothers because it's pulling our attention in so many different areas. So we never are present on one thing. And coming back to your example of like preparing supper and chopping something in the kitchen and you have that toddler at your leg pulling on your pants. It's like if you can just pull yourself away from from chopping in the kitchen and be fully present with your toddler for that one second like that is likely all they actually need from you and then you can go back to chopping but if you continue to try to be in more than one place at once now neither neither thing the the onion

you're chopping or the toddler at your leg isn't getting your attention so yeah I just love kind of that reorientation to how important presence truly is and not just presence with ourselves and our body but presence with whatever we are doing whoever we are with yeah that is true and also like what comes up in our way of practicing presence is our triggers and a lot of us um don't know what our triggers are right like and and there are a lot of common triggers that a lot of moms identify with like being constantly interrupted and you know the sound the clutter the no peace in the environment and you know it's kind of being run by everyone else right like before we were parents we could just go to bed whenever we wanted if we could just say you know what I'm not feeling very well I'm just gonna lie down that's not an option anymore so um it it it is it feels like um we feel triggered so

it's oh that's why that feelings check-in is really important to do with ourselves. Like what is happening for me? Why do I feel so annoyed right now? Right? Like sometimes I am picking up everyone's trash and I'm like passing really passive aggressive statements. Like nobody helps me around the house

and I have to do it all by myself, right? Like it's a really common one that a lot of moms go through. And it's really important to understand that, okay, I am feeling really triggered right now, what is happening, right? And then identifying the feeling, and then naming that feeling, and then identifying what am I needing right now? Maybe I'm needing some extra support. Okay, how can I communicate it to my partner or to my kids in a way that invites cooperation instead of attacks them, right?

So it comes, it's like, you know, emotional intelligence is also like a process, right? Where you first identify your own feeling and how you're perceiving things around you right now and then understanding um you know use that information to kind of guide your thinking and then um regulating self-regulation right like okay i'm feeling triggered so what helps me calm down i'm gonna go drink a glass of water or I'm going to just walk around the house without talking to anyone right now because I know right now if I say anything it's not going to be nice

so um so being aware aware of ourselves and constantly also reflecting on okay I'm not feeling good right now right like um so my daughter is sick I gave her medicine today and she spat it and I was like like I was shocked because I did not expect that right so I was like why would you do that and then I then she said because it's very bitter so then before reacting to her and giving her logic that yeah but that's how medicine is just just suck it up and drink it. I had to be like, okay, okay, tune in, tune in. Yeah, that was really bitter. I know, I can imagine sometimes medicines don't feel yummy. And you know what, you still have to take them because I want you to feel better. So, you know, coming from that place of empathy. And while we do that for others, sometimes we don't

do that for ourselves. So we immediately go into guilt, right? Like, so when my son told me that, are you mad at me? Even though it was like a dialogue between me and my daughter, I was like, so guilty that, oh my God, I let a two-year-old witness this back and forth. And like, now he thinks it's all his fault, you know. So I was overcome with guilt. But I had to really remind myself, okay, you know what, you're a good mom having a hard moment. So a lot of us kind of lose that perspective, right? We go into that, oh, my God, I'm messing up my kids. And it's really important to pause that you know two things are true you know what I said is not nice sure and I'm still not a bad mom I'm just really triggered right now and I need to find a way to you know do better so and then of course comes repair but of course that it all

begins with self-compassion right Like our ability to give compassion to others begins with our ability to give compassion to ourselves, right? So it's, yeah, so it's really important to offer ourselves also that grace that you are not going to have it together at all times. So being present, being mindful is amazing, but you are still going to get triggered so that's why it's important to identify what those triggers are because if you have no idea what triggers you

you don't know what to manage right like so for me uh sound is a big one so when like i have the exhaust running in the kitchen and i'm using the blender and the kids are screaming and talking to Alexa it's like a lot of sensory input that my mind is not able to process right so I mean god bless noise cancelling headphones so now I kind of put one in kind of yeah block the noise a little so that I can still hear them in case they get into a fight like in a safe way but it's important to kind of yeah like find ways to help yourself not lose it right like so I could manage that trigger only because I knew that hey this triggers me so let me do this instead of because I can I should be as parents it's important to kind of count on your kids to be kids right like you cannot expect them to be quiet and not fidgety and not running around the

place that is going to happen because they are designed to move and they are designed to do whatever they are doing they're not here to you. So it's important to kind of understand that they are just kids, they're doing what they're meant to do. Here is what I can do, you know, so that awareness of, okay, this triggers me, you know, being interrupted triggers me, why does it trigger me, like really going deep into that, because it feels like, you know, what I'm saying is not important. Every time I'm talking, and somebody is talking over me and not listening to me, it feels like, you know, I can't even finish a sentence without being interrupted. So it feels very triggering.

And next time the child asks you something, you're like snapping at them, right? It's not because you want to, it's because there is a deeper wound. So our children don't trigger us it's it's it's like you know it's like you have an open wound and somebody touches it it hurts right it's like that it's like you know probably you didn't have much of a voice growing up or you know you know you have constantly lived with this belief that my voice doesn't matter or what I have to say is not important. So when a child kind of interrupts, it feels like they are like attacking you, but that's not the case. So that's why it's like really important to reflect that, okay, this is extremely triggering for me, but these are kids

who are lacking skills. So how can I teach them? So I next time I teach my kids that you know what, when I'm going to talk, I'm going to put my hand up. And until my hand is up, I'm still talking. And when I put my hand down, I'm done. And then you can share what you have to share. So it's because they don't have a lot of these skills, right? Like they just come into this world with a whole bunch of emotions and feelings and with zero skills to manage them and zero like lack of impulse control and all of that. And it's, it's really on us to kind of support them through that and like teach them those skills and give them opportunity to practice it. So next time my daughter interrupts me, I say, my hand is still up and like I'm doing it gently I'm not saying can you let me

finish my sentence like so it's so yes so awareness of our triggers understanding our triggers can also help us become more present because if we are triggered we cannot be present we are you know then we are hurting and we are just wanting to teach somebody a lesson or lashing out or slamming doors. So it's, yeah, so it's very important to tune into what is happening for us. As I said, everything begins with us. Yeah, I always say that becoming a mom was really a huge catalyst into my own personal discovery and I think what you just shared really helps me understand why it's because you are met with all these triggers and it's not that your kids are triggering you it's that you have these these wounds that are now getting retouched so it's an invitation to actually start tending

to those wounds and start yeah like working through that healing process and it's it's an invitation to actually start tending to those wounds and start working through that healing process. And it's a really beautiful experience about rupture and repair. And I think we can walk away from those ruptures with so much mom guilt, or we can walk away thinking, oh, I just wasn't the mom I wanted to be today. But the thing is, is like, we can't have repair without rupture. So we do need those ruptures in order to actually experience that repair and model it to our kids. So I'm glad you kind of brought in a piece of that too. Do you want to expand a little bit on conscious parenting? We haven't, we, I don't think we've actually used that language yet, but I know I identify, I think I identify as a conscious mother. And I believe you have some certifications in conscious conscious parenting so maybe why don't we dumb it down like what what is the definition of conscious parenting so conscious parenting according to me

it's not your definition that's all I want I only want your that's the only one that matters so it's it's kind of rooted in um attachment in connection and in in empowerment so it's like we are not in the traditional parenting where we are kind of you know I'm the parent you're the child I say you do yeah yes yes so it's not it's not like that it's it's more like I understand that every human including every child has come into this world with some basic needs like wanting connection wanting control wanting autonomy right so you know wanting that feeling of belonging so all of these are needs and behavior essentially is communication of a met or an unmet need. So for example, you have, you said you have a two-year-old, right? Like, so when your two-year-old is, hasn't had her nap,

or is feeling sick, or is teething, or is going through a developmental milestone, they are a bit more grumpy, they are a bit more clingy, they are a bit more needy, right? Because they are going through something and they don't know how to, you know, take care of themselves, right? So they depend on you. But at the same time, if your child has had an amazing time playing with you, and, you know, there have been a lot of giggles and they have eaten their meal, they are a completely different child. They are not as clingy. They're not. So, so we, in the conscious parenting world, we just view behaviors as communication. Like we are not judging the behavior by just what is happening, but we are

kind of looking under the iceberg of what is causing this behavior. So, so as I said, it's rooted in attachment. It's,'s it's you know um you're more tuned into what your child is feeling and needing and um yeah it's like you know you are um you are like you know you are what is the word for this you are an investigator and you have to truly like get to the bottom of what is happening for my child for example when I had my second kid my four-year-old daughter would go and lie down in his play mat and she went through this regression and she would have more peeing accidents and I was like she was potty trained two years ago why is this happening right because a lot of us feel like once a child can talk and you know walk and they

can do all these things on their own they have fully developed brains but they don't their upstairs brain like which is the executive functioning that is still developing and it will take a while to develop it develops through the first 25 years of our lives. So they are still lacking a lot of the skills, right? So it is basically understanding where my child is at developmentally. Are my expectations from my child age appropriate, right? So conscious parenting comes with all of that. Like, how am I communicating with my child, right?

Like today, my son told my daughter that, Rasika, you're getting on my nerves. He couldn't even say nerves. He said uh rasika you're getting on my nerves he couldn't even say nerves he said nose you're getting on my nose and then i realized that oh my god i say that sometimes to her and he's just like repeating it so modeling is a big one because um so the traditional parenting is like do as i say say, not, not do as I do. Right. Like, but this is like the kid, like, you know, is basically around you and is absorbing everything like a sponge. So it's important to kind of reflect on what you're modeling, right? Like you can't expect a child to like anything, right? Like how I handle big emotions, how do I repair if I've caused hurt

right like we can tell my I can force an apology out of my daughter and say you have to say sorry to your brother or I can actually model it for her right like by doing that and and only when we are able to do this with them regularly that's when it becomes a part of them and so that's why it's like it's rooted in connection because if there is no connection they don't really have a reason to follow your lead right so you are still the parent and you still have the power but you are more from coming from a place of guiding and leading somebody instead of this is how it is going to be because I am the parent and I decided so it's like that and and of course boundaries are also super important because they are kids in the end and

they are not going to always make good decisions so it's really important to understand what your boundaries are but the the bound when I boundaries, it's not something that you just randomly say that I don't like it. So you don't do it. Right. It is important to truly reflect. Why is this a boundary for me? A boundary is a boundary when it's rooted in personal value. Right. So for example, the other day I called my daughter for dinner downstairs and she was like, no, I'm playing right now. Right. So I felt I felt like no but we always eat dinner together and she's like so what like can we not eat dinner together what would happen right so it's a fair question she's just trying to process a fair question yeah so then I had to think about it like why is it a boundary so I understood that okay this is the only time of the day where we are all together and we have time to kind of catch up with each

other on what how your day was and so it is rooted in in my personal value which is connection right so I just want all my family to be together so instead of saying that no you have to come down I kind of go because I said so I kind of go upstairs and I tell her, what are you up to? And she's like, I'm making dinner for my kids. I said, okay, let's finish cooking for your kids. And then we can walk together downstairs. So then she also wants to come down with me because she knows that I acknowledge that she is doing something and I'm not just forcing her to do what I need to do.

Right. So, so yes, it was an elaborate answer so conscious parenting is essentially attachment parenting where your connection is the most important you know energy that you share with your child and it comes before anything else and you're just conscious about how your child like you see your child for the person they are, like you respect them for the person they are. And you're not just saying that, yeah, they're tiny and it doesn't matter, right? Like their big feelings are also important.

Like a lot of parents, like when their kids have nightmares, they tell them, yeah, that's okay. It was only a dream. It's not real. But for them, it felt real, right? So it's important to kind of tune into, oh my God. Okay. That must have been really scary. And you were safe. You know, a lot of the time we're like into the, we're right there to fix things. Right. Like if, if my daughter stubs her toe and I say, and you know, I say, you know,

you're okay. You're okay. But wait, how do you get to decide if she's okay, right? Like, I just like think about it this way. Like if an adult did that, if they stepped out the door, would I be like, you're okay. You're okay. Completely dismissing their experience. Yeah. So the only appropriate response is, ouch, did that hurt? Are you okay?

Like you can ask, are you okay? Instead of telling them you're okay. So it's really being mindful about how we communicate and, you know, understanding that behavior is essentially communication. And why is this, why is my child showing up this way right now? What is going on met for them? Or, you know, why are they so happy right now? Because they had an amazing day

they got ice cream for lunch so yeah so yes so conscious parenting is I think it's it's like a way of life that you choose and it's it it sounds all like so wonderful but it's really hard because yeah because you have your own triggers and sometimes uh your own childhood comes up right like there are so many times when um my daughter would say something and I'd be like how ungrateful right because that's probably how my parents would respond but it's got nothing to do with gratitude it's that she can just even if you give her everything in the world she can still feel bad about something it's not like just because he took her to the park and you got her a nice cream she's supposed to have a perfectly amazing day it's like how so all these things

like when they talk back um even if they have like the dinner thing right why do i need to eat with you probably if i asked that question, my mom would say, because I said, so come and eat dinner, otherwise no dinner for you. Right. Like, yeah. So it's really important to not like, and it takes a lot of work because my first initial reaction is like, oh my God, how disrespectful. I'm just asking her to eat dinner. Why can't she just come down and eat dinner? Right? Why do I have to explain this to her? So it's it is hard because you are constantly challenging or and breaking cycles, right? Like, okay, well, and I can see like, just with that example, that specific example, if your daughter is kind of challenging you on that, I can see how if we're going back to the wound analogy, that's poking at an old wound of you feeling

unheard and you feeling disrespected and it's like not actually your daughter that's triggering you it's yeah that old wound of feeling unheard so yeah yeah no all of your examples have been so helpful um and also just shows how like real you are and your authenticity in motherhood. So thank you for those examples. I was, and that answer, it was long, but it was beautiful because it really just solidified the importance of both presence and being intentional. So it really just, yeah, like circled around our entire conversation so far, which was really cool. I'm curious. I feel like there's a misconception in conscious parenting around discipline and how we can't like get mad at our kids. And I'm, I feel like I'm even struggling with this as I'm entering the quote unquote terrible twos.

And my daughter is very developmentally normally testing her boundaries as she should. And she hates being told no. She hates being told she can't do something because in her mind, she's just trying to explore. And so I'm constantly, I am very conscious around the language I use. And I'm guessing your answer is going to be something along the lines of just really being present and intentional and tuning into what they're doing and then giving that explanation um but i guess like my question is like how how does discipline traditionally work

in the conscious parenting world because it's not like the traditional parenting world where you are an authority figure and you can just like yeah we don't we don't do that right so like how how does discipline work I need the mom advice as I'm entering as I'm entering these terrible twos so discipline works with um first of all modeling the behavior we want to see and uh then communicating that for example like let's say your daughter runs in the middle of the street, but cars are coming. That's a perfect example, because that is my real life right now. Yes. So you're not going to let her do it, right? Because so instead of, you know, of course, you're going to go grab the child, you're not going to, because in that moment, they're not

making a good decision and your boundary is coming from your value of safety right so we are going to model it you're going to say that like before we leave the house that we are going out right now and we are going to be walking on the footpath and hold mommy's hand right and if you're having a hard time holding mommy's hand i'm going to have to put you in the stroller right so that's like a fair almost setting the boundaries before it happens yes and prepping them in advance that this is what we are going to do and we can do this in playful ways like you can just grab two lego characters and say they are going out and they're going on the road oh no a car is coming and you know and then you can say that footpath is for people and the road is for the cars so we it's it's like it yeah like you said

about self-care we're getting creative it's like with kids also it's just that like you can play the red light green light game like um you know when i say green light you go and when i say red you stop right so that also kind of teaches them impulse control so like we can do this in multiple ways we can read books about it we can have dialogue about it we can model it we can teach them playfully we can play a game that you know at home you can use those painter tapes to create footpath and you can say let's walk on this today because there are going to be cars on the road so you can do that with with toys and because play is the way to get through kids especially that young because obviously how you perceive safety she doesn't right she thinks like world is my playground right the world is your playground and I'm gonna have my adventure today and

then there is this person who's stopping me so of course she's not going to like it and that's when we hold space for the disappointment that hey I get it that you're really upset that I didn't let you run on the road but it's my job to keep you safe you know so we are um yeah making room for a lot of those disappointments like Like, of course, if my son wakes up and says that I want candy for breakfast. And my answer is no, I'm going to probably grant his wishes. I mean, I'm going to hear his feelings that, yeah, wouldn't it be amazing if we could just eat candy all day? And let's eat breakfast now. So I am hearing him and I'm saying no without really saying no so yeah so so of course like boundaries are important but the thing with boundaries is

that we feel the need to be to deliver it or say it in a very strict tone for it to have an impact but I believe that even if you do it compassionately it's going to land yeah because when I mean I my experience has proven that that yeah like if I am really down at her level and I'm playing and I'm just like talking to her with compassion she's a lot more receptive to that than if I'm yelling at her barking orders and I think the other thing and and from what I'm hearing you share is like a big piece of it is almost over-explaining, which can feel really unnatural because all we want to do is we're,

we're always on this like time schedule. Right. And so we want to just spit out the direction as quick as possible. And we want to move on to the next thing on our to-do list. Cause it comes back to that to-do list that we're trying to accomplish right so and it's really like no can you can you slow down can you be present can you connect and really explain which feels like over explaining to a two-year-old but over explain what's going on so that they can understand it I love that because with two-year-olds like what works is repetition and like playing that scene over and over so it kind of like gets in their heads that okay this is what we do and like what you said is really

important but it's also important to kind of really tune into where they are developmentally right like at two they kind of want to be independent and do things on their own so like my son went through this phase going on 16 yeah he wants to put his shoes on on his own, but he doesn't know how to yet. And some mornings it would set me back by 15 minutes, right? But that's where the conscious parenting comes into play because, okay, I realize two days I've let this happen. I tell myself he is learning a skill and brushing him is not going to help it's going to create make this process longer because he's going to then have big feelings and then you're going to

take 15 minutes to calm him down so you're going to set an alarm and wake up 15 minutes earlier tomorrow so it's kind of coming back to like making sure there's margins right making margins on the page so creating a space yes or sometimes I feel yeah so when I these days what I do is especially because I'm solo parenting and I if my daughter needs to go to school my son needs to come along I can't just leave him at home right so I bring them both down and while I'm getting breakfast ready I give him his shoes like okay you know what you can wear your shoes start now yeah that's actually really smart because you know what's going to take long yeah because I need to understand that okay he is learning a skill it's frustrating for me to watch

because I know I can do this in two minutes so again I can understand that this is triggering because if I did this as a kid my dad will be like hurry up we gotta go right like so it is again coming back to yeah like this why is this triggering for you? And what can you tell yourself, right? Like in that moment, the healthy thing I tell myself is my child is learning a skill. He wants to do things on his own. This is a developmental milestone. And, you know, I'm going to have to let him go through it, right?

This is not his fault that his sister needs to go to school. He has all the time in the day, right? So it's kind of like telling yourself that kind of helps you not rush the kid right so and also then you have to get creative about okay what can i do how can i meet his need and also meet my need to be on time because i value you know punctuality and i want to be at her school on time right so instead of saying you are getting us late and you we need to leave right now it's like so unnecessary and like uncalled for it's like a undesirable power struggle of course some days we will have those also because you cannot plan for everything in advance and those for those days we have repair we can just say I'm so sorry I couldn't let you do your shoes on your own today and I had to put them on for you because we needed to go so it's that kind

of at least you know but now we are home here you go you can practice putting your shoes on so we can be mindful of what their needs are and also like hold boundaries when we need to uh and of course work on our triggers yes yeah I love all that and I'm just I'm thinking about how um so many women I work with and myself included because we are building our own businesses and we we technically are stay-at-home moms for many of us um a common not complaint but I guess a common struggle that many women I see face is kind of going through the day and then at the end of the day having that guilt of like I just wasn't present with my kid. So even though I was home all day, I just wasn't present with my kid. And I'm curious if you have your own strategies of how you really prioritize that intentionality of being present, even though we are,

I mean, we've kind of talked about all of this, but I guess I'm asking more in the context of entrepreneurship, when you have all these things to be doing, and you're constantly thinking about the next email you need to write, or the next social media content you're creating, and like, so how do you, I mean, I guess an example is like, I do a lot from my phone, right, like I can create social media content on my phone, I post on Instagram on my phone I show up on stories on my phone and I'll have my daughter next to me and even though we're in the same room I'm not actually present with her so it's very easy to to look back on the day and be like oh shoot I wasn't actually present even though we spent all day together so yes so I think guilt can be a starting point to kind of turn things around as well so

guilt is not like usually all bad unless you go into that oh my god I'm the worst parent ever zone so you can say uh like let's say I mean I do have days like that also and I feel I do feel guilty and I write down like I you like journaling helps me so I kind of write down my thoughts about what kept me from being present today right like okay I have again shifting your awareness and starting to almost magnify what was it that was pulling your attention away and then I also make another column of is there anything I could have done differently? And what can I do to solve this problem I had today? I felt like I didn't connect enough with my kids.

Is there a moment tomorrow in the day where I can do this and maybe make up for today, right? So again, like it comes down to asking yourself the question what is the most important thing right now right like sometimes yes we do feel like yeah yeah fine they're there they're just playing on their own so you know let me kind of do my own thing so we do that but then maybe I can plan a moment in the day where we are going to connect right like for example when my daughter comes back from school I'm just going to put my phone away for 10 minutes the emails can wait and I'm going to just talk to her make a snack and eat eat a snack with her or you know if it's with my two-year-old I'm

just going to go to a park without my phone today don't need pictures don't do anything cute because I don't have my phone yeah or put your phone on airplane mode even that works but what I mean is like uh I'm going to put this off for 10 minutes so like being intentional just choose a random time that tomorrow between 2 and 2 10 I'm going to be with my child and not do anything else and start there and like build on it and see how that feels for you and then kind of see like where which moments in the day could I really like for example when they wake up in the morning it's really nice to connect then or before they go to

bed so maybe instead of reading one story I could read two stories today or we can do a fun little bit of roughhousing before she goes to bed right so we can yeah like we can also plan for that and put it on our to-do list for the next day right like okay cuddle and read stories today yeah so yes so it's really like so so of course the guilt will come up and also like maybe for work, if you are also going from back to back to back, like sometimes I set alarms and reminders, like, you know, work for 25 minutes, then five minutes off, you know?

And sometimes I'm like, I'm also ignoring the five minutes off because I'm in the middle of it and I want to get it done with. But then I say that, okay, now I'm going to take my break after I finish this email, right? Like, and also like, any, any intentionality or all even the conscious parenting work, it really comes with bite sized steps. Like you cannot solve all your triggers in one day,

you cannot start self caring every day. You know, because you heard this on a podcast. It all sounds great, but it really comes down to intentionality and like doing one step at a time and also kind of recognizing success, right? Like, hey, you know what? I didn't spend any time with my child yesterday, even though we were together. It didn't feel like we were together, but today I got in 10 minutes. So celebrate that 10 minutes. Put that on the to-do list. Yes. in 10 minutes so celebrate that 10 minutes because I don't know to Dallas yes so 10 minutes more than this you know zero minutes which is great right like we can build on this and I can do this I had fun those 10 minutes you know she giggled so much it gave me joy so yeah when you name those feelings it kind of you know kind of builds your neural pathways and you're

like wanting to do more of it right because when we are with our kids there's also like all those endorphins flowing right having those dance parties so when we recognize that hey that was actually great and you know I could get my kitchen work and I could also dance with my child and it felt good it helps you create more of those moments. So that is why like naming them is essential. And you can always like, yes. So for me, journaling is like something that helps me

organize my thoughts and feelings. So I just do like a simple thought, feeling and thought journal, like, okay, today this happened. And you know, this made me feel this way. And maybe I could have done this differently. So that also helps with your awareness and reflection. And, you know, helps you become more conscious. Yeah, I really like the idea of starting to take inventory of the things that I feel like pulled my attention away just because that's going to help bring my awareness and create the space to start making

different choices and so when we come back to this idea of oh I don't have time it's actually no I'm not making time that really just puts myself back in the driver's seat of I actually get to choose how I'm spending my time so yeah those are some great tips thank you yeah because when I reflect sometimes it feels like okay you know what the 10 minutes that I just sat and watched reels mindlessly I could have probably avoided yeah so we can like um do like a habit stacking like okay add a new habit that you can do like if journaling is something you haven't tried maybe you can try that like and see that if it helps you and it

doesn't have to be like a fancy notebook sometimes I just do it on my phone my I think my notes yeah is the most used app on my me too yeah I just I need to do this dentist appointment like yeah everything yeah yes yeah so yes creating margins is is like a big one as a business mama especially um because yes remember your notebook if it's if you know you've written every page then there is really very little space to decompress or to take care of your needs and if you don't take care of your needs your business will also suffer and so will your parenting yeah yeah yeah that really circles back to just how important it is to really value yourself which is really the first thing you brought up in this conversation so this was awesome is there anything else you'd like to touch on? I want to give something actionable to all the people who are listening.

I think self-regulation, the most important thing is to kind of understand, begin with noticing what's happening for you. So just bring awareness to your week, to your day, to start with, to just the first five hours of the day that, okay, how am I feeling? What am I needing? And what, what triggers me? What helps me calm down? Like, what is my coping mechanism? Because it can look different for everyone. So self regulation is really like a very individualistic, you know, thing. And it's, it's like, everyone has a different process right some people do deep breaths and some people cannot breathe when they are so triggered so so it looks very different and if you just go on the internet you'll find a thousand coping skills and you can just try you know what today when I feel triggered I'm going to try drinking water or run my hands under cold water so so

really just go with what works for you and identify, okay, this feels good. When I just did not respond, when I was triggered and washed my hands for 10 seconds, it felt good. So maybe I'm going to try and practice this. So, you know, really bite-sized baby steps towards self-regulation and begins with noticing. So bringing awareness and identifying whatever we are feeling and needing yeah yeah I love all that and like I said like it really is a form of self-discovery because it's it's an opportunity to start learning what actually feels good here what actually brings me pleasure in moments of discomfort because many of us don't know we don't know and so the only way to learn is to start playing around and trying things

okay before you go I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode if you were thinking of anyone while listening please send it their way and if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations please subscribe and leave a review this really helps the podcast algorithms put my show in front of more people just like you and the last thing I would love nothing more than hearing from you so say hi dm me on instagram and give me a follow at nicole pasvir until next time