REWILD + FREE - 51. MUSINGS + MAGICK: REDEFINING CONSISTENCY, COMMITMENT, AND DEVOTION IN MOTHERHOOD AND ENTREPRENEURSHIP (April Full Moon Illuminations with Nicole and Lauren)

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Listen in as we redefine consistency, untangle (and embrace) our natural cyclical rhythms, and discuss the delicate balance between desire and obligation and where devotion fits into motherhood and/or conscious entrepreneurship. While we are both celebrating the 1 year anniversary of our podcasts, Lauren and I reflect on our devotion to getting to this point by defining our own rules around consistency. We open up about the challenges of staying dedicated to our vision as entrepreneurs, the societal pressures to be consistently productive, and the impact of podcasting on our lives.We reflect on the changing capacity within motherhood during the toddler years in contrast to the need for dedication and commitment to business, all while continuing to unlearn from previous programming, and resistance to obligation and mainstream definitions around productivity. Lauren and I dissect how obligation might be tied to self-doubt, lack of self-trust, and people-pleasing behaviour, contrasted with desire seen as a more authentic, and feminine embodied driver, and of course what aspects of this are being illuminated to us in this lunar cycle, and inviting us into deeper devotion to our values. We have no doubt that some part of this episode will be relatable or offer language to your own experience as you untangle the messy middle of motherhood or entrepreneurship. As always, we love to hear from you! DM us on IG and let us know what this episode stirs up for you ♡..Connect with me on IG (@nicolepasveer) Connect with Lauren on IG (@nestandnourish) ..CURRENT WAYS TO WORK WITH ME:Join HELD - my monthly membership community (only $44/month) for conscious + curious women entrepreneurs desiring a landing place for integration, self exploration, and regenerative biz strategy Join the waitlist for Recalibrate - my annual 6 month long mothermind (aka mastermind) for mother entrepreneurs ditching boss babe bull sh*t for a biz that breathes with every season She Thrives Private Mentorship - very limited spots available  >>CLICK HERE TO APPLY TO BE A GUEST ON THE SHOW 

You're listening to Rewild and Free. This is the go-to podcast for conscious and holistic mother entrepreneurs who are ditching society's to-do list for intentional living, freedom, and abundance, while creating impact and legacy in their home and business. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pasvir, your like-hearted mom friend and biz bestie wrapped in one. I'm an ex-nurse turned matrescence guide and business coach, leading women just like you into the new paradigm, where thriving in motherhood is your birthright and so is a successful and sustainable online business keep listening if you're ready to unsubscribe from patriarchal motherhood bro marketing and boss babe culture because in this space we use nature as our framework as we move

towards feminine embodied business development cyclical orientation and slow living together let's rewild and remember as we break free from survival and reconnect to what truly matters. Okay friend, steep your tea and take the most loving breath you've given to yourself today and let's go. Hello, welcome to another episode of Musings in Magic. It's Nicole and Lauren. We've realized that like we haven't properly been introducing ourselves in these episodes which is funny and what's more funny is I don't think we're going to in this one either. I mean we briefly can since we're on each other's podcasts now consistently, almost bi-weekly. So for those that don't know, I'm Nicole Pazier and I am, oh God, I hate this question. Who are you and

what do you do? I'm, I don't know, I'm a mom first and foremost, but I'm also an unconventional business coach in the online space and um I'm really good friends with Lauren even though we've never met in real life yeah um what else I don't know yeah this is not gonna be our let's introduce each other episode we did not prepare for this but just yeah a little tease in case people have been listening and they're like who is that a little tease in case people have been listening and they're like who is that Nicole chick and in case you're listening and thinking who's that Lauren chick who who are you yeah I also hate this question well and you know what what like for for my audience you technically were I mean we've both been on each other's podcast so I guess

it's not as awkward as we're making it sound. Yeah, yeah. But if someone's like, you know, listening for the first time and they stumble upon a Musings and Magic episode, they're probably like, what is happening here? I'm so confused. So I'm Lauren. I'm Nestin Nourish on Instagram. My business is called Nestin Nourish. I am a somatic coach and a postpartum doula. And that's where I'll leave it for today. Yeah, I'm a mom and a former nurse Nicole and I have lots in common yeah yeah yeah and we're like virtual besties which is

yeah a sign of the times I think yeah well and what's funny is like we hopped on this call and Lauren's like I miss you and I'm like yeah I you too. And it's weird because we haven't talked since our last Musings and Magic episode, which is very rare for us. Very rare. Yeah. So I miss you. It's so nice to see you. I don't know what's going on in your world right now. I know. Yeah. Like this is totally raw and real and fresh. Like there's no, it's not like we're repeating any stories like whatever gets shared in this episode is it actual genuine like catch-up and reflection of what's been going on so yeah um I mean they always are but yeah they always are but you know what I mean like sometimes yeah kind of like oh yeah like you kind of already know that this has been building up for me or you know you've already

been witnessing me through something and now I'm just kind of verbalizing it. So no, this one is, yeah, it's literally been basically two weeks since we have connected last. So I guess it's Monday today when we're recording. Tomorrow is a full moon. That's all I know. Same. Yep. It's a full moon. Cool. Yeah. Spain yep it's a full moon cool yeah how are you feeling like in reflection of like the cosmic energy because yeah last time we recorded it was the the solar eclipse and

um the intensity of all that like did you did you feel that intensity were there any things going on for you and has it subsided yeah I feel like I was I was feeling um a lot of heaviness a lot of like lack of clarity um a lot of kind of like weird internal dialogues and I was finally able to have like a really hard conversation with my husband that needed to be had which was totally my own like my own anxiety kind of building it up into being something more than it was and finally put on my big girl pants kind of kind of put on my big girl pants, kind of, kind of put on my big girl pants. I still like initiated the conversation in a very childish way and like very wounded way, but you know, baby steps. And it ended up being a really juicy, really awesome conversation.

So, and it was very like enlightening for both of us. So yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm feeling, I feel like I'm feeling, um, feeling some renewed energy. I'm also, you know, close to ovulation. I don't think I've ovulated yet. So feeling that kind of energy shift as well. Um, yeah. Yeah. What about you? What's going on? Um, and I honestly feel like it feels like it's been years since like I think it was April 8th that it was the the new moon and the solar eclipse it literally feels like that was years away like time has been going by so slow the past couple weeks I think

well for one like my nervous system has been feeling fried for a while so I think there's that we are sick again Aubrey is sick I am like fighting another cold so like I have a runny nose and the sniffles and with that comes like very restless sleep and just yeah like all of it I think I'm on cycle day I actually have no idea but I have ovulated so I'm I'm in my just starting my luteal phase now and definitely kind of feeling the energy shift of that I got a couple days of kind of that energetic high um but they didn't they didn't it didn't last very long um so yeah just feeling kind of that energetic dip again, heading into this week. And it's so hard to really pinpoint like, oh, is it just like my menstrual cycle? Is it just this cold? Is it

just the capacity of my nervous system right now? Is it the weather? Like we have also been having some like trippy weather, like we keep getting a little tease of spring and then another dump of winter, a little tease of spring and another dump of of winter a little tease of spring and another dump of winter and I feel like that's exactly what's been going on in like my inner world too I get these little teases okay this feels so good like I almost forget what what winter and like just almost like feelings of burnout felt like like it feels like so far away and then it comes crushing right back like in a day or two much like the weather is right now here in Calgary um so that's kind of a cool metaphor to

lean into and kind of just remind myself that like spring and summer will come like this is super normal for um our weather right now like here in Calgary like we we do get these these spring teases and then like the spring snow dumps and that's just totally normal and every single year I'm like oh my god this is so crazy I can't believe it was so cold yesterday and so warm today and it's like this is so normal like our our weather here is bipolar and you'd think I'd be used to it now but it's also yeah just this humbling reminder of okay my inner internal landscape is kind of the same right now and maybe that's okay too maybe it's not something that I need to fix and kind of grip onto when

those like little teasers of spring do come in and just kind of trust that okay like that that that melt and that thaw is messy it's unpredictable but also predictable in this like weird way um yeah so yeah I don't even know if that answered the question like I think energetically there's just been a lot of highs and lows um and this desire to want to make sense of it but then also this like softening compassion of like maybe it's not something that needs to be made sense of maybe it's something that I just need to be in so yeah here we are I can't really tell you I wouldn't yeah I wouldn't be able to say that I'm feeling like what's the word I'm looking for like I don't I don't know that I feel energetically

differently new moon versus full moon and I was hoping that like after a couple calls together and kind of adding some ritual to actually like having these reflective checkpoints that I'd start noticing these like really loud differences kind of like I have been able to notice in my menstrual cycle and I'm not it all feels the same and I mean there's nothing wrong with that it can still like still sitting down and having this ritual ritual can help create that feeling you know and I think totally yeah yeah I think that's okay and I'm the same it's not like maybe maybe part of it too is because we both like menstrual cycle wise we are very close to what's happening cosmically like we're bleeding with the new moon and basically

ovulating with the full moon so maybe that's why I'm not seeing or feeling anything loud is because I'm actually already feeling it. So it's there's nothing new to feel. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I also just want to name that I'm like sitting in bed right now. Aubrey is asleep next to me.

I'm hoping she sleeps for most of this. And my hair is in like a day old braids and I'm very distracted we're on video right now and my hair is like in all the directions oh yeah I uh I cut my own bangs the other day but I have curly hair so it was actually a lot easier than trying to cut like straight hair or wet because you just cut them kind of dry so it turned out okay it's kind of yeah they look good to me bang yeah it looks like everything was purposeful yeah have you cut zoe's hair at all has zoe has zoe had a haircut no not yet she keeps asking for one but like i secretly don't want to take her um Aubrey has like a ton of like I don't even know what this is called like her front hair I feel like I don't even know what I'm trying to say

like I feel like the kid needs bangs that's ultimately what I'm trying to say and I keep saying like to Dylan like we should get Aubrey bangs because her hair is constantly in her face her hair is pretty thin so it's actually kind of hard to like put up in like cute ponytails like pigtails because there's just not enough of it um but like there's just a lot of front hair yeah like I feel like her I don't know I don't maybe all kids are like this but like my hair kind of has just naturally started to part where I always part it so like it happily goes to one side or the other side and Aubrey's hair just wants to go forward yeah she might be the perfect candidate for some bangs then so yeah I feel like she needs some bangs but then I don't want to have to like take her somewhere to go get these bangs trims so I don't actually want to give her bangs until I'm confident to maybe cut them myself. And there's no way I'm there yet. So poor kid,

she just gets to have it. Yeah, no, totally. I need to, or like some TikTok tutorials or something. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. We've been over here, Zoe has been starting to ask about getting her ears pierced, like all on her own so we've been watching videos of young kids getting their ears pierced and she seems pretty consistent in wanting it but we're just gonna yeah like wait it out a while and see if she keeps asking and yeah yeah otherwise over here like I just feel like I can't even think of what has happened in these last two weeks you kind of were saying that it felt really slow. It's felt really fast for me and I can't even say why or what's been happening, but we're

gearing up to go on a trip back to my hometown in Ontario. My brother's getting married and we're all in the wedding. So I've just been kind of putting everything on pause and like really focusing on that, getting the house ready, packing all of that stuff so everything kind of work-wise and creativity-wise feels almost like paused right now um and yeah I've just been so focused on making sure I've got everything ready and I'm making a slideshow for the wedding and all that fun stuff so that's kind of taking up the most space are you and your brother close um we're not super close no I would I wouldn't say we are um but we're we pick up where we leave off whenever we see each other and yeah yeah I'd love to be closer and maybe now that you

know he's married and maybe gonna have some kids we'll be a little more kind of in the same phase of life and yeah yeah yeah yeah I feel like I know I said it's been going slow and like it has but I suppose it's also gone by fast I feel like I feel like really the true answer is it's just kind of felt like a blur like you said like I can't really tell you what's been going on which is probably why we haven't hi zoe which is probably why we haven't had any like points of connection because there hasn't been any very like novel updates to give each other i feel like again um kind of in reflection of the what's happening in nature and um the teasing of spring and then the winter dump I feel like I'm kind of seeing that in my business too well I'll get where I'll get these like moments of oh okay yeah I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this have that momentum

have that excitement have that like bout of clarity and then something like Aubrey and I getting sick kind of puts that pause button it's like oh yeah well this is my priority right now right like I want to be a present mom I also want to be tending to my own health and so yeah it kind of feels like I hate saying this out loud but it kind of feels like business stuff just keeps getting pushed on the back burner and I keep asking myself like is that happening because life just keeps lifing and I haven't mastered this very fake balance at all that people speak of or is it like this form of almost like self-sabotage of like am I actually like manifesting this sickness as like a way to like slow me down I don't know um I feel like that's just interesting to notice the pattern

because this has been my pattern now since like January February I haven't been able to follow through on anything I start because something quote unquote gets in my way. Yeah. And I feel like this is like the kind of million dollar question for all mother entrepreneurs. You know, having a business and, and being creative and wanting to put things out into the world. Or is this, it's just what it looks like, you know, is this the balance, the fact that you can kind of let it all kind of put on the back burner? Yeah. Yeah. There's space for pause. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm constantly struggling with too, honestly. And I feel like I've been in a very similar kind of phase as well, where I get these like bursts of energy and motivation and excitement

about, you know, an offer or whatever it is. And then life just kind of gets in the way and I let it get in the way. And then I take, you know, a pause and an exhale and then kind of get back to it when I can. And I think I would have fought against this so much more even like a year ago. And now I'm just realizing more and more that, you know, this is where my capacity is at right now. Like I don't have childcare. My daughter doesn't go to daycare. She doesn't go to school. It's just, there's very limited, like just me time to begin with. So knowing that it's a season for now and yes, I can also see where I am using it as self-sabotage because I don't feel ready or I'm scared or, and that's okay too um yeah yeah we've talked about kind of that fear aspect and I think it was last the last episode but it's yeah what's coming up for me actually two things one the fact that we're both projectors and in human design like as a projector these kind of

sprints of energy are actually really really normal and I know for me like I'm still softening into that as my like normal more organic way of being because I feel like this is kind of the second part that was coming up is like obviously society has kind of set us up to believe that we should be able to be on all the time and that productivity should look kind of linear and having these spaces for pauses is kind of frowned upon and it looks like oh well you're just not trying hard enough or you are self-sabotaging or you just don't want it bad enough or yeah there's something wrong and you need to fix it. That's kind of what society is, that external pressure, at least that I have been programmed or have

received. And I think, yeah, kind of leaning into the deconditioning of that, plus leaning into my human design, your human design, and that we are projectors and we don't have that. I don't even understand it actually I think it's something to do with being non-psychical beings we don't have I don't know I'm not gonna speak on that because I don't know but I do know projectors work in sprints not marathons so um yeah yeah it's like the difference between that hustle and success is being consistent. And I think in the past, I really thought that was true and would always get so down on myself because I have always had trouble being consistent. I've always had trouble with routines.

Even like simple morning routines, I find very difficult. It feels very monotonous to me. Like I get very uncomfortable when I find myself doing the same thing every morning. It's very, yeah. But learning to be okay with my inconsistency and just shifting that my perspective that maybe this is just how I function and that there's nothing wrong with that. And I can be just as productive as someone who is super consistent every single day. It gets to look different. Well, and it's kind of funny because we throw around the word consistent all the time. That's the goal. We all want consistency when really consistency is so unique and subjective.

We need to be defining it for ourselves. And I think consistency is also cyclical. So just that reminder that like what's consistent might actually not be linear and it's actually, it will likely have a different pattern to it. Yeah, and I feel like, you know, if I didn't have kids, this whole idea of consistency would be a whole lot easier because you can plan out your days

and they can look the same every single week. But when you throw in motherhood, there is just so much that's unexpected that you can't plan for. And it really forces you to just kind of roll with it and go with the flow and ride those waves. And I think if we can kind of shift our, even just shift the image of it, of what is consistency, you know, instead of like a straight line, like you're saying, what if it's those waves coming in? We love our wave

metaphors, hey? We love our wave metaphor, yeah. Well, and like I think, I know for me in early motherhood, something that really landed for me that I've definitely held on to and taken with me as I continue on this motherhood journey is, is like rhythms instead of routines. So because routine feels very rigid and kind of time stabbed to it. And I know like, even in the entrepreneurial space, there's like, time block your day and like, schedule this and like, it's like, no, no, no. Like that will never work for me. Motherhood aside, that would never have worked for me. But like this idea of rhythms and just kind of having this.

Redictable flow, but in a again, the word organic keeps coming to mind in a very like organic uh timeline yeah yeah i've been thinking about like consistency a lot in relation to my podcast too because yes we've been pretty consistent with these episodes which has been great um but in terms of releasing like regular wellness mother episodes, I've been pretty terrible these last couple of months. And again, it's, it's interesting to see the difference now, even compared to a year ago when I started, it was very much like I had to release an episode every two weeks. And if I somehow got behind because, you know, life, motherhood, all of that stuff, I felt very, I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn't doing it

right. And now it just feels so different. It's like, you know, if people are going to stop listening altogether because I haven't released an episode in a few weeks, then that's okay. Like, sure. Maybe it's not the podcast for you. But like, nobody's actually doing that. Like, can you think of like, as a podcast listener podcast listener like do you just stop listening to a podcast because you feel ghosted by your favorite podcast host no like you just patiently wait for the next one um yeah that's interesting though kind of hearing the reflection on how you did define like you you broke the podcast normal rules at the very beginning you said no there's no way I'm going to be doing weekly shows like that will not be something that I can consistently

maintain that's not going to feel good and so you wrote your own rules you said I'm going to do bi-weekly episodes instead and you did maintain that level of consistency for a long time by the way happy like one year podcast anniversary to both of us yeah oh my gosh we didn't even talk about that which is and I like I like both of us we both started our podcast this time last year um so it's been a year been a year um I feel like here comes a should but I should have like done something for that well it's funny because I was well aware of it like even on because my podcast anniversary I think was April 11th and I was well aware of it I kind of like sat with myself on that day and reflected on just like the highs and lows of the past year and like I did my podcast rebrand back

in October and just kind of noticing the difference and the evolution and the growth um I even listened to some of my old episodes which is so cheesy I told I listened back to my episodes quite frequently it's it's weird on like double speed because I can't stand to hear myself at like normal speed um but I yeah totally heard those shoulds of like oh well I should like talk about this I should celebrate myself I should like allow other people to celebrate with me and I I didn't like I didn't even like reach out to you and like until right now verbalizing like hey happy podcast anniversary and that's kind of weird for me because I've definitely been in a season of being very mindful and intentional about trying to celebrate like the little wins and this obviously is a little

maybe even big win and I just kept it to myself and I can't really tell you why. I think it just kind of shows you what's been going on in my inner world and the fact that like it has been so sloppy in the sense of these freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw. grounded I guess or rooted in I don't even know that feels really vulnerable to share out loud actually like feeling ungrounded right now um and that doesn't even necessarily make sense or give an excuse as to why I didn't outwardly celebrate but I don't know I'm just going in circles now I don't have a reason I just didn't yeah I just yeah and that's okay I didn't either I just looked it was April 5th for me so I'm way past the one year yeah and like I remember having the thought a few weeks ago like oh that's April that's this month and then right out the window yeah yeah life right I think for me and again this feels vulnerable to talk about but I was able to take some time like I said by myself to kind of celebrate

the growth and the consistency that I did have I have done 50 episodes which seems absolutely crazy I don't know how I did that and the thing is like that was at my own pace like that was sometimes three a week because I felt chatty and that was sometimes like none for two weeks or three weeks at a time so celebrating that like that I did things at my own pace also celebrating um the evolution like I said in the sense that like I did my rebrand and I kind of got closer and closer and closer to um just like the truest version of what I wanted the podcast to become so celebrating all of that but I was totally being being a harsh critic to myself and kind of disappointed with the littlest things and it's so interesting how those little tiny things I allowed them to kind of blow up and outweigh

all the bigger things that actually were worth celebrating and that is such a like potent realization of how often I do that in just life in general, where like there's so many good things and then there's like one or two teeny tiny bad things. And I allow those teeny tiny bad things to take over. These are like really good full moon reflections here, kind of looking back and, you know, looking back at our podcast journeys. And yeah, kind of looking back and, you know, looking back at our

podcast journeys. And yeah, this is not at all, I think what we had planned to talk about. No, I don't think we planned anything. Yeah, we didn't plan anything, but no, this fits in perfectly. Really. You're like, we're looking back and seeing what has worked, what hasn't worked. And yeah, so I'm celebrating you and your 50 episodes, a year of the podcast, a rebrand, sinking deeper with every episode into, you know, fuller expression, being okay with the messiness, being okay with the imperfection and yeah so celebrating you thank you my friend and yeah that messiness is something that I constantly need to remind myself that that's part of my mission like part of my mission is normalizing that messy middle and being able to showcase it and model it even in an authentic way and like

the Nicole way. And I think that's where a lot of the insecurity and the self-doubt creeps in, because that can't be modeled to me by anyone else, right? Nobody else can model to me the Nicole way to build a business or grow a podcast or create a new offering um and so it is this constant reminder and invitation to ground and root into what is the Nicole way and continue to explore that and deepen it um so yeah I guess I'm I'm I'm celebrating myself in that too and And trying to, I'm hearing the criticism, I'm seeing myself through the disappointment. And like that disappointment is, I can see so clearly that it's rooted

in someone else's definition of success. Because where the disappointment comes in is more so out of metrics and like not seeing the growth quote-unquote that I would have liked to see or not um perfecting or polishing up my like intro or outro or being consistent with like making my my episodes into blog posts and putting them on my website. Those are all very external like shoulds in podcast land. And from the beginning, I haven't subscribed to them. So why is it that I'm measuring this year of podcast growth based on those metrics? Like I can kind of

zoom out and see, okay, Nicole, that's silly come come back home to yourself and come back home to like all of the connections think of all the conversations you've had yes it's so cool to think about that yeah yeah and like all of the like not only the interviews and like the conversations with people on the podcast but all of the behind the scenes conversations of people commenting about the episode and that's what I'm really celebrating and that's kind of what I always like that back to you that like for you specifically like your show has been rooted I feel like a broken record saying that word like five times in a row now but your show really has been rooted in creating a space for those conversations

and those connections and you have have really been unwavering in your pursuit of that. And that goes unnoticed. And like the potency that each episode delivers, like you're not half-assing it. And even if you feel like you are, it's not perceived that way. And so it's always worth the wait.

When you make us wait longer than two weeks for the next episode, it's always worth the wait. Thank you. Thank you. when you make us wait longer than two weeks for the next episode it's always worth the wait thank you thank you a year of podcasting a year of podcasting yeah something else has been coming up oh you go ahead i will i was just gonna say i was just gonna say isn't there some like statistic that like i don't know like 50 of podcasts don't make it past a year like I'm pretty sure it's a very high probably I remember I'm pretty sure you told me a statistic at the beginning that like yeah something about like making it to like 20 or 25 episodes like that's like a huge like podcasting landmark yeah I think what's interesting is like I'd love to say that it gets easier and obviously like aspects of it do right like the editing has gotten easier the actual like

the the tech stuff of like uploading it and like making it into an actual podcast like all of that gets easier but the showing up the being vulnerable the talking about hard shit, all of that, it doesn't get easier. And it's, again, just a humbling reminder that like, I don't think it's supposed to like, that's just evidence that that we are on this beautiful, like growth, spiraling higher kind of journey, right? So like, the hard doesn't just go away the discomfort the insecurity the the resistance it doesn't go away it just shows up at a new level uh so I'm celebrating that too because that's that's showing me that's evidence for me that I am continuing to expand meet my edges expand titrate all the things that we talk about all the time right riding those waves like

the waves don't go away anyways the other thing that I was thinking about and I've been unraveling this in my own mind the last couple days is I feel like this is very on brand for our conversation so far around um being how do I want to say this? For those that have been in my space for a long time, know that I talk a lot about desire over obligation. And in like, specifically in my coaching space, my approach is like, okay, well, what do you actually want to do? And like, whose definition of success are you actually following and like what are your deepest desires and how do you get there like really coming back to you and like what you actually want and a lot of the the comments back are well I don't know what I want I don't know I don't know I don't know

and I face that myself too like that is the default answer of like well I don't know I don't know I don't know and I face that myself too like that is the default answer of like well I don't know and that I don't know answer really is just like this illumination of in my opinion like self-doubt and lack of self-trust lack of confidence in actually owning what you want and like stepping forward in what you want, because that's really, really uncomfortable. Like I said, like it's really, really hard to continue showing up and building or creating something in a cool way when it hasn't been modeled to me before. It's way easier to be able to just copy and paste and like follow someone else's strategy, framework, recipe book, whatever it is. Anyway, so I've been diving deeper into this, like, desire versus obligation, and how obligation for me stemmed from, I think, my journey of

unlearning, like, good girl conditioning and people pleasing. Because for me, so much of what I did, so much of my actions were in pursuit of pleasing someone else or being perceived as perfect or whatever, like that looked like, right, whatever variation of that. So it was kind of the opposite of being a good girl is like, okay, well, I'm not just going to do what I'm like okay well I'm not just gonna do what's what I'm obligated I'm actually gonna do what I want and what I've realized is I'm missing like the consistency that comes with commitment so like I'm missing and I know you've voiced this before where like you are longing for more ritual. And I

think sometimes what I hear from that is like longing for more consistency and structure in our lives. Longing for like something to maybe look forward to. Longing for, yeah, that just predictability. Because in the season of motherhood, there is no is no predictability um and anyway so I've been untangling all of that and noticing okay I do really have this longing for more structure specifically in my business specifically in like my schedule and not in the sense of like time blocking and having everything like time stamped I don't want that but I do want more predictability and for a long time I was resisting that thinking well no that's just going to create more obligation if I have things like set in stone on my calendar then I'm obligated to show up for them and then I'm potentially teetering into the just like the realms of like

performance and people pleasing again and showing up just because I'm expected to and just another mode of like self-betrayal. So I've been really resistant to that. And yeah, just realizing now that no, I'm actually really longing for that and trying to figure out, okay, how do I incorporate more of this in my life? How do I show my nervous system that it's safe to have this structure and stability and obligation to something on my calendar while also it being my deepest desire and I think my answer in all of this is coming to the whole you get to choose your heart right and like nothing is supposed to be super easy I think if things are super easy then that's often evidence that you might be in your comfort zone. So I think being able to choose your heart.

And so the desire aspect comes from choice and getting to choose, OK, what is it that I want to be committed to? What is it that I do want that kind of safe version of obligation, like that internal obligation, that commitment, that devotion, that inner discipline. Am I making sense? Yeah, yeah. What I'm hearing is like, when I hear the word obligation, it's got a lot of negative connotations to it. And it feels very, yeah, like you have, it's something you have to do whether you want to or not. So I think like-

Yeah, like override your body to get it done. Yeah, Yeah. And it's such a different experience when you're in this, this energy of devotion, of commitment, of dedication. And when you feel yourself kind of feeling like, feel yourself losing that energy and it feeling more like obligation, then maybe it's a sign that something needs to be looked at again. Why is this feeling like obligation again? Is it because I'm not excited about the project? Or is it because it's getting a little bit hard? And I don't like that. And I'm uncomfortable with that. Does it mean that you should quit the project and move on to something else? Probably not.

But it's like, can we use these sensations? But maybe like, I think that's maybe, but maybe. And so like, it's also not being completely resistant to when there's that communication from either your body or even like your your inner wisdom your higher self of like this isn't working anymore like we need to pivot yeah yeah and being okay with pivoting yeah yeah yeah and it's that's a hard it's a hard balancer it's a hard it's hard to be so kind of attuned to your own like subtle energy to know the difference between, okay, what is like fear and anxiety and self-sabotage and what is actually like desire and what does actually need just like shifting into wanting to try something different and new, you know, is it because I'm really don't want to do this anymore Or is it because I'm scared and I'm, yeah, not

sure how it's going to go. And yeah, it's a very kind of delicate balance. Yeah. And I think the other thing too is, and we talk about this all the time, right? Like all of this needs to be matched to your current capacity and our capacity is constantly changing right like especially in these toddler years of motherhood where developmentally developmentally why does that word sound funny coming out of my mouth developmentally like there's some really big changes right like and the level of of presence that's not true the level of presence doesn't necessarily change but like the um just like the the the way that being present and um attuning to our child's needs looks different like I've been reflecting on that too how like a year ago when Aubrey was one and a half the way I showed up for her the way I showed up as a present and conscious mom

if we're gonna smack labels on the things looks very different than what a present and conscious mom to a two and a half year old looks like um and so I'm I'm holding space for that. And I'm giving myself a lot of grace and compassion as I kind of wobble through what that looks like right now. And like the turbulences that that brings into other aspects of my life, right? Into my business, into my own like relationship with self into my marriage into all of it like it it shifts and so creating room for those shifts instead of having an obligation to well this is how it was last year this is how it was like two months ago so we got to keep it that way um yeah yeah just really softening into that. Yeah. We might need a potty break over here. Sorry to disrupt our flow, but we will be right back. Don't apologize. We need like some intermission music.

We're back. Oh, I don't remember what we were talking about well you were mentioning just about how you're kind of longing for more consistent not even consistency because we were just I know that's the wrong word yeah yeah I think well you know what I think it is because I've been reflecting on like when this shifted for me and so when recalibrate ended last december and recalibrate was my mastermind that around for six months it was weekly calls and so having that weekly call date on my calendar i didn't even realize it in the moment but like now that it's gone it became this beautiful anchor point for me like i got to anchor into it it was it was an ounce of stability in my very unpredictable

thick in the thick of mothering life right and so yeah because I don't have a lot of that right now like even in terms of like podcasting or um the other calls that I am committed to in my business there's so much flexibility with them because I've created a business to have that flexibility but I guess I'm almost noticing this like desire to swing a little bit not all the way but swing a little bit on the pendulum and have more um I don't want to use consistency, but just have more. Routine. Routine still seems too rigid, but yeah, just something to anchor into again. And I suppose like these calls kind of are helping with that.

But even then we've created so much flexibility around them because we need to, right? We need that flexibility I think I think truly like what this is a beautiful mirror for me to sink into is um like this this invitation to actually commit to I suppose more rigid like business working hours for me like because how it's been going is like I kind of only show up to my business when I either have inspiration or I have something that I am committed to and I think what my business is maybe asking from me and maybe this is why it's showing up is like hey we want more like dedicated time it's kind of like in marriage like you need to just create time you have to make time for like date nights or whatever it is like that that doesn't just like like it only happens if you make time for it right so I think that's kind of what's being illuminated for me is like I need to just make time and uh recommit to the previous commitment

that I did make with my business um but from a like softer more feminine embodied lens because I feel like that's the thing is like I started my business with that commitment and more rigidity and more of like the masculine like undertones to it of wanting to kind of follow someone else's timeline in terms of like okay well this is how often you should create podcast episodes and this is how often you should make posts this is how often you should do blah blah blah blah blah and I've swung on the pendulum way to the other side, completely broken all the rules. And yeah, now I'm just kind of, yeah, finding my own center again. So just wanted to bring language to that because I feel like there's probably other people experiencing something

similar and trying to make sense of what that means, especially if you have been on learning some of like the good girl programming and kind of resistant to that like yucky word of obligation. Yeah. I really like the word devotion or even like just devotional time, you know, and I think the difference here is like instead of being, instead of saying, you know, and I think the difference here is like, instead of being, instead of saying, you know, every Monday at 2pm, I'm doing a three hour block of podcasting. Maybe it's like every week, I have a three to four hour block of podcasting, and then you have to choose which day that is and being devoted to choosing a day and not just letting it go, you know what I

think that's the thing is I've created so much flexibility that I'll have that in my head but then I won't follow through on it and each time that happens each week another week goes by and I didn't follow through on something that I kind of told myself I wanted to do not only is that a teeny tiny ounce of self-betrayal but it's also like a a negative tick in the in the sense of like building self-trust it's like two steps back in the self-trust department so each time that's happening there's no like oh hey I can actually trust myself when I say I'm gonna do something and there's no containment right that that masculine container is missing and even if it's like a very loose container, it's still missing. And I know it's funny that, you know, earlier I said how much I hate routine and consistency, but it's the thing

that I need the most, honestly. Well, and I think it's more about redefining what those words look like. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good reflection to really look at, you know, where in my life, where in my business, where in my marriage, am I not kind of creating that space for devotion, creating that space for commitment, for dedication? Yeah. It's a good, good reflection on this almost full moon. Yeah. Zoe's teaching her doll how to do gymnastics and jump on the trampoline down here. It's very cute. I feel like we're almost at an hour already. It's crazy. it is crazy um i feel like even if we weren't watching the clock that would be apparent with the fact that both of the girls are starting to yes talk more yes that's our

they always make an appearance at the end of the episodes. Do you want to say hi to Zoe? Zoe, do you want to say hi to Aubrey? Okay. No. No? Okay. Maybe. Hi, Zoe.

Hi, Zoe. Hi, Abby. Hi, Abby. Hi, Zoe. No, I'm not. hi Abby hi Zoe I think that's the first time Zoe's actually said Aubrey's name anytime I'm on zoom Aubrey's always like hi Zoe and it's like it's not Zoe and Lauren it's not Zoe and Lauren every time I'm sorry okay is there anything else coming up for you um no I'm just thinking of how we can maybe like end on a more kind of full moon vibe

I mean I guess that's kind of what we've been doing the whole time though is reflecting and let it go what no longer serves and yeah what I also think just like there's something to be said about like the art of storytelling and so the fact that we both kind of just reflected on the experiences that have been unfolding for us like allowing and trusting that to be enough right I know that's something that I've really been untangling and dismantling in my own podcast and like content creation of is like what is valuable and it doesn't always need to end on oh well here's like homework or here's a takeaway or like yeah right like just trusting that being able to hear our own reflections and maybe having a sense of oh gosh I'm not alone like Nicole's going through that too so I'm not something's not wrong with me like whatever that is like just trusting

that that's enough yeah well in that case in that case this is a damn good episode if I do say so myself in that case we'll leave it on that yeah all righty see y'all in what like two-ish weeks yes two-ish weeks for a new moon that's crazy it I honestly like I feel like March and April both of them have just like it's a blur like yes if you told me that yesterday was February I would believe you yeah agreed I totally agree yeah so weird weird but I'm I'm gonna go out and do some gardening and I love that for you I hope you guys feel better thank you have a good trip and enjoy your brother's wedding thank you bye bye Lauren and Zoe okay before you go I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to listen to

this episode if you were thinking of anyone while listening please send it their way and if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations please subscribe and leave a review this really helps the podcast algorithms put my show in front of more people just like you and the last thing I would love nothing more than hearing from you so say hi dm me on instagram and give me a follow at nicolepasvir until next time